Episode 109: Medium ; Tarrare
A new takeout place has opened up in Riley’s neighbourhood, so naturally, they're eager to see what the place is made of. However, the numbers involved in Riley’s takeout order end up summoning the ghost of Tarrare - a legendary French weirdo who ate damn near everything.
+Transcript
SOUND: Riley and their mom argue outside the basement. It’s muffled; unintelligible. It sometimes sounds like human speech, but is regularly smattered with creepy, loud ghoul noises.
Evelyn: [Nervous] Hey everybody, welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Evelyn, your Ghost--
SOUND: Loud ghoul screech.
Evelyn: You get the idea. Riley’s just outside, uh, settling something. They'll be back soon, I hope.
SOUND: The door opens, Riley enters.
Riley: [Yelling at their mom] You know what? I wish I hadn't had you, either!
SOUND: Riley slams the door and groans. Footsteps down the stairs.
Riley: [Quietly mutters angry complaints]
Evelyn: You okay?
Riley: I’m fine.
Evelyn: Want to talk about it?
Riley: [Exhales] One time - just one time - I’d like to be able to get my mail without being lambasted by my mother.
SOUND: Riley shuffles through their mail.
Evelyn: Ooh, lambasted. That's a good word.
Riley: She complains about the smell, but you know what? It'd be a lot easier to shower regularly if there wasn't a dead pizza guy in my bathroom!
Evelyn: Yeah, it’s unfair of her to put that on you.
Riley: Lemme tell you, I cannot wait to eat her corpse when she dies, just to get rid of her, you know?
Evelyn: You know how I feel about cursing, Riley, but what the fuck?
Riley: Ghoul funeral rite. It happens to all of us.
Evelyn: I forget sometimes how...not...human...you are.
Riley: It’s just your mind’s way of coping with absolute reality. Why do I always get so much junk mail?
Evelyn: I’m still stuck on the whole “eating your mom” thing.
Riley: It’s rude to linger, Evelyn. [Re: the mail] Bill, bill, bill, junk mail, changed address, bank notice…
Evelyn: But it’s not just the cannibalism thing, you can do a lot of weird stuff.
Riley: Such as?
Evelyn: Well, your blood is toxic, and you can bend all your joints in every direction, and you can do that weird mouth thing and eat stuff that’s bigger than your head. Am I missing anything?
Riley: I mean, I can shapeshift.
Evelyn: Wait, what!? Is that a Riley thing or a ghoul thing?
Riley: Ghoul thing. We can turn into anything we've eaten recently.
Evelyn: How come you've never done this around me?
Riley: Because my diet consists mainly of microwave meals, rodents, and bugs, and I don't want to look like any of that shit.
Evelyn: Could you turn into me?
Riley: Anything we've eaten recently. You left my system long ago.
Evelyn: But I'll always be in your heart.
Riley: [Irritated] Yup.
SOUND: Paper rustling.
Riley: A-ha!
Evelyn: What’s that?
Riley: It’s a reply from Mills and Mills and Mills and Mills. It’s a publishing house, I submitted one of my short stories.
Evelyn: Ooh, which one?
Riley: The one about the ghoul who falls in love with their dentist during a root canal.
Evelyn: Oh, I liked that one, it was sweet.
Riley: I changed the ending at the last minute to be a little more tragic: they end up eating his hands by mistake during the surgery, so it doesn't work out.
Evelyn: Less sweet.
SOUND: Paper tears.
Riley: Shit. They rejected it.
Evelyn: Oh no!
Riley: Apparently it’s an “affront to both literature and decency.” Their words, not mine.
Evelyn: That seems a little harsh.
Riley: [Sigh] You know, sometimes, Ev, I don't even know why I bother. It's like banging my head up against a brick wall, except the bricks are all letters saying “your writing sucks balls, Riley, give up.”
Evelyn: Maybe doing some podcasting will cheer you up? I'll let you pick the topic.
Riley: I appreciate the effort, but some days, you just can't save.
SOUND: Paper still rustling.
Riley: Junk mail, junk mail, junk mail, death threat from a fan, junk mail, [pleasantly surprised] anthrax, junk mail…What’s this?
Evelyn: It looks like a pamphlet. [Reading] “Last Chance Texas-Style Barbecue?”
Riley: [Gasps] You’re right! It’s for a new takeout place that just opened. Evelyn, do you know what this means?
Evelyn: That pile of bones in the corner is gonna get bigger?
Riley: Yes. But it also means that they won't know about my past indiscretions. Which, in turn, means that they'll deliver here. Which means, Evelyn, that the day is saved!
Evelyn: Yay!
SOUND: Shuffling, as Riley approaches the laptop.
Riley: Let’s get on GhostMates immediately and order ourselves a FEAST!
Evelyn: I mean it's really just for you, but woo! Teamwork!
Riley: [Typing] So much choice. Damn my limited internal real-estate.
Evelyn: If it makes you feel any better, your bar is higher than most. Remember that time you ate a whole dead goat in one sitting?
Riley: I’d just watched the finale of Oedipus 3000, I needed to comfort-eat. [Typing] God, why can’t it all be right here, right now? The space-time continuum is a fucking joke.
Evelyn: So what kind of stuff do you use shapeshifting for?
Riley: How come you're so curious about all this?
Evelyn: Well, I've known you for a while now, and I didn't even realise you basically had superpowers.
Riley: It’s an evolutionary hold-over, like the gallbladder. We used to use it to lure travellers off the road, but these days we've got well-stocked graveyards and fast food, so the whole shapeshifting thing is just a party trick. We can imitate voices, too.
Evelyn: Anyone’s voice?
Riley: [In Evelyn’s voice] Yup, anyone’s. Now let me order my food.
Evelyn: Ghouls are so weird.
Riley: [Typing] Only if you consider humans to be the default organism - which, by the way, is a fucked up thing to do.
Evelyn: Yeah, I guess you're right. You know, if I could shapeshift, I'd probably turn into a dog.
Riley: [Baffled] Why?
Evelyn: Everyone loves dogs!
Riley: Your mind is a scientific marvel, Evelyn.
SOUND: Riley clicks.
Riley: Aaaand done.
Evelyn: What did you order?
Riley: The sixteen, the ten, the seventeen, and the ninety-eight.
Evelyn: And what's that in English?
Riley: Rack of ribs, barbecue chicken, quarter pounder, and the chilli. I feel like I'm being rude, talking about this. Can ghosts get hungry?
Evelyn: I mean, I haven't experienced hunger since I died. I just kinda vaguely miss the concept of food and eating.
Riley: Oh cool, I regret nothing, then.
Evelyn: So what do you wanna talk about while we wait?
Riley: Actually, I do have a pretty incredible story for you. It's got action, suspense, tragedy, comedy, and a sense of sophisticated ennui.
Evelyn: I know what those words mean individually!
Riley: So it all started at the ATM. I still had half a stick of salami, but the cows were beginning to descend…
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Whip crack! Followed by aggressively southern banjo music, playing throughout.
BBQ Dad: Are you ready to experience the taste of Texas? Are you in the mood for some barbecue? Do you really love eating ridiculous quantities of meat? Well you’re in luck, ‘cause The Last Chance Texas-Style Barbecue is now delivering with GhostMates.
SOUND: Cow mooing, followed by another whip crack.
BBQ Dad: Yessir, we’re delivering mouth-watering ribs, burgers, pork, sausages and tender beef brisket with our famous Texas flavour, right here in the greater Tallahassee area. The law drove us out of our original location in Fort Worth, but now all the health and safety concerns have been dealt with, and we are back on top. We ain’t got rats, we ain’t got possums, we might still have some bats, maybe a couple pythons, but they taste like chicken anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
SOUND: As he’s talking, the music starts to get steadily louder.
BBQ Dad: Come on down to our location right in the heart of the Ochlockonee River Wildlife Management Area, and try our award winning all-meat Texas chilli. You’ll go absolutely buck wild for Grandma’s famous brisket rolls. What’s our secret recipe? What are you, a cop? Don’t ask me that. Shut up.
SOUND: Steak sizzling on a barbecue. The banjo continues to get louder.
BBQ Dad: (shouting) If you use the GhostMates app and enter the promo code- (to the person playing the banjo) Bubba! Stop playin’ that god damn banjo so loud!
SOUND: Bubba makes some dejected noises before resuming the tune, extremely quietly.
BBQ Dad: If you use the GhostMates app and enter promo code ‘WE SLAUGHTER’ you’ll get 20% off your next order, and a free side of cheesy fries. The Last Chance Barbecue- a real taste of meat. Yeehaw!
SOUND: Whip crack.
[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]
Riley: --And then the car drove into a telephone pole and exploded.
Evelyn: Wow, the number of twists and turns in that story was incredible. But I think the recording glitched out.
Riley: Shit. Oh well, I won’t tell it again, it’d only ruin it.
SOUND: Doorbell upstairs.
Riley: Oh wow, the food arrived right after I finished that story! How convenient.
SOUND: Riley excitedly running up the stairs, on all fours. Door opens.
Riley: [from upstairs] Thank you.
Bubba: [Unintelligible noises]
SOUND: Bubba hands them the bags of food. The door closes. Riley, carrying the bags, comes downstairs.
Evelyn: Listeners, just so you're not deprived of the mental image I've got right now: Riley is coming downstairs on all fours like some kind of goblin, but they're still somehow carrying all the food.
Riley: [Mouth Full] It’s a gift.
SOUND: They click on their laptop.
Riley: Let’s see...do I want to tip ‘Bubba’? Well, we want to stay in this restaurant’s good books in case I do anything inadvisable in the future, so...yeah, ten dollars.
Evelyn: I’m glad you’ve thought ahead this time.
Riley: And now, time to eat.
SOUND: Riley tears through the paper.
Riley: Oh god, it smells so fucking good.
Evelyn: You've got that scary look in your eyes again, Riley.
Riley: [Chewing] This burger. Holy shit, Evelyn, if only you were alive.
Evelyn: Now I feel like you're just rubbing it in.
Tarrare: Could you describe the taste out loud, mon ami?
SOUND: Evelyn and Riley scream.
Tarrare: I did not think it was an unreasonable request, but whatever.
Evelyn: Who are you?
Riley: [Mouth full] Yeah, and what are you doing in my basement?
Evelyn: Riley, this is not the time for eating!
Riley: [Gulps] I’m sorry, it’s a really good burger!
Tarrare: Yes, but why? What are the specifics? Juicy? Tender? Moist?
Evelyn: What are you? Some kind of frog-man?
Tarrare: Do you say that because I am French?
Evelyn: Oh gosh, no, no, no, just because of the big eyes, slimy skin, and the fact you've got mouth for days.
Tarrare: If you must know, my name is Tarrare. I am a human being, and a ghost, like you, mademoiselle. In my time, during the Revolution, I was known for my great appetite - when I was alive, I'd eat a cow a day, and still need four more courses to be anywhere close to satisfied. I was a freak - poked and prodded and experimented on, but nobody ever made the effort to truly know me, so I wander the earth, a stranger to all but myself. A hungry soul, unable to eat, forever unsatisfied.
Riley: Wow. Sounds like a real bummer. [Eats a bite of burger]
Tarrare: Are you two recording a podcast?
Evelyn: How do you know what a podcast is? I only died sixteen years ago, and it took Riley a whole day to explain it to me.
Tarrare: Podcasts are the bane of my non-existence. The only time anyone speaks my name these days is when my tragic life story is being trotted out for cheap laughs on quirky comedy podcasts. I did not eat that baby, damn it! I did not!
Riley: Uh, nobody said you did?
Tarrare: [Quiet rage] Justin McElroy said I did.
Evelyn: Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm Evelyn, and this is my best friend, Riley. Do you have a last name, Tarrare? For the show notes.
Tarrare: Well, technically speaking, Tarrare is just my stage name. My real name is Jean-Luc Baptiste Gérard Alain Marcel--
Riley: Let’s stick with Tarrare.
Tarrare: [Sighs] Fine. Tarrare it is.
SOUND: Riley bites into their burger.
Riley: [Eating] So like, why are you here? Did I eat you too? Cause I feel like I'd remember eating someone as weird-looking as you. No offence.
Tarrare: None taken. You did not eat me, Riley, but I am here because of what you're eating.
Riley: [Gulps] Could you be a little more specific?
Evelyn: Yeah, that’s kinda cryptic.
SOUND: Tarrare sighs.
Tarrare: Your order: Sixteen. Ten. Seventeen. Ninety-eight. It corresponds to the exact date of my death - the sixteenth of October, seventeen ninety-eight.
Evelyn: Oh wow, you're so old!
Riley: [Eating] So that's all it takes?
Tarrare: What, did you want more?
Riley: That combo can't be that uncommon. I mean, aren't you just getting summoned constantly, all over the world?
Tarrare: No, only with orders from the Last Chance Texas-Style Barbecue.
Evelyn: Why?
Tarrare: Because the owners are my direct descendants.
Riley: [Gulps; coughs] Wait, I’m sorry, wait, wait. Hold up, time out, just a sec.
Tarrare: [Exhausted] What?
Riley: [Genuinely surprised] You fucked?
Tarrare: Please, it was the eighteenth century, everyone was ugly and smelled like shit. I was only slightly uglier and shittier than the average Parisian.
Riley: Yeah but, I mean, just look at you. Was she blind?
Tarrare: No, she was my one true love, Pauline, the lobster-clawed woman. We worked together briefly at a freak show in Dieppe, until the tension was too great to bear and culminated in a night of passionate big-top love-making. Of course, this made things weird at work, and we had to go our separate ways for professional reasons. When I left to join the war effort, she took her own life with nightshade wine out of despair. She must have given birth to our secret lovechild before then.
Evelyn: Oh no! That’s so awful!
Riley: And almost aggressively French.
Tarrare: My life has been a carousel of tragedy and woe. From my vicious beatings at the hands of the Prussians, all the way back to my father abandoning me when I was but ten years old. [Tearful] Papa, why wasn't I good enough for you? Why didn't you love me? I just wanted to--
SOUND: Riley is quietly munching.
Tarrare: Will you please stop eating!? You’re killing me here, metaphorically speaking.
Riley: Oh, speaking of, all this barbecue is human flesh.
Evelyn: What!?
Riley: You would think they'd put that on the website for allergy reasons, but apparently that's not the world we live in.
Evelyn: Are you positive it’s human?
Riley: Evelyn, you of all people should be aware that I know what human beings taste like. [Chewing] Really, I should have seen this coming, seeing as the delivery guy was wearing a mask made of human skin, but I don't keep up with fashion - I figured it might've just been what was in this season, you know?
Tarrare: [Sighs] This doesn’t surprise me. My descendants are terrible people - when I first manifested, I attempted to connect with them, and the oldest one chased me out with a broom handle, and accused me of being a homosexual.
Evelyn: Wait, Riley, so could you turn into the people you've just eaten?
Riley: Uh, yeah, in theory, I'm a little rusty, though.
Evelyn: Please? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top? I'd love to see it!
Tarrare: I am, how you say, terribly lost. Both in a wider, existential sense, and also in the sense I have no idea what either of you are talking about.
Riley: It’d take too long to explain. Which one do you want me to try?
Evelyn: Try the burger first!
Riley: Okay, just gimme a sec, and don't look at me while I'm doing it, I need to concentrate and I can't do it while you're watching.
SOUND: Riley grunts in the background, like they're trying to take a shit.
Evelyn: So, uh, Tarrare, I'm sorry your dad threw you out.
Tarrare: You know, when my father abandoned me, it left a hole I wasn’t able to fill. I never saw him again after that day. On my deathbed, I assumed that the hunger that plagued me would die with my body, but I think it was what he did that put the hunger in my soul.
SOUND: Freaky, fleshy noises.
Businessman - Riley: I did it! Guys, look, I fucking did it! Fuck, British accent. That’s weird.
Evelyn: Oh my gosh. You look totally different!
Businessman - Riley: Well, yeah, it’s shapeshifting. That’s the point.
Tarrare: What strange wonders this new world holds. You'd have done gangbusters at the freak show.
Businessman - Riley: I wonder who this guy was. He looks like an accountant.
Evelyn: Could you try the chilli now?
SOUND: The freaky, fleshy noises again.
Riley: Was one not enough?
Evelyn: I just wanted to see who was in it, is all.
Riley: Fine. Just look away.
SOUND: Riley continues to grunt and strain.
Evelyn: So Tarrare, do you think if you got a chance to talk to your father again, you'd feel better?
Tarrare: Perhaps, but who knows? It doesn't matter now. He died hundreds of years ago. I'm doomed to wander the earth, getting roasted on podcast after podcast until the sun swallows up the world and roasts us all.
SOUND: Freaky, fleshy noises. Riley now speaks in a weird, warped voice.
Abomination - Riley: Uh oh.
Evelyn: Holy moly!
Tarrare: Sacré bleu!
Abomination - Riley: I didn't know I could do this…
Evelyn: You look like twenty different people at once. It’s hurting my brain, and I can't even experience physical sensation!
Abomination - Riley: They must've put a lot of people in that chilli. One sec.
SOUND: Freaky, fleshy noises. Riley’s back to normal.
Riley: I’m gonna be sore in the morning.
Evelyn: I didn't know you could mix and match different parts.
Riley: Me either, guess you learn something new every day.
Evelyn: [Gasps] Brainblast! Tarrare, do you remember what your dad looked like?
Tarrare: Of course, I only wish I could forget, so I might know peace someday.
Riley: Evelyn...I know what you're gonna say, and I hate it.
Evelyn: It’s the least we can do for Tarrare! So, describe your father to us.
Tarrare: He was quite an average looking man, to be honest.
Riley: ...That’s not anything I can use.
Evelyn: Uh, yeah- maybe let’s be more specific. What color were his eyes?
Tarrare: Brown.
SOUND: Squishy eyeball noises.
Evelyn: And what about his hair?
Tarrare: Brown, but a light brown. Much like the color of the wood on that desk.
SOUND: Rustling hair noises.
Evelyn: And his skin?
Tarrare: Pale, and heavily pockmarked.
SOUND: Squishy skin noises.
Evelyn: Okay, so let’s get more detailed - how did his nose look?
Tarrare: Just, you know, normal.
Riley: I can’t work with that.
Tarrare: You know, he just had a normal nose. Just the nose that you think of when you think of what a nose looks like.
Riley: That could mean anything! Are we talking normal normal or French normal?
Tarrare: Here- just…give me a piece of paper, I’ll draw him.
Riley: You’re a ghost! You can’t hold the paper! You know what? I’m pausing the recording. This is gonna take a while.
SOUND: Shuffling, click, silence. A pause. Then click, and the sound’s back.
Evelyn: We’re almost there, I think you just need to make the moustache a little bigger.
Riley: This episode better get a million downloads for this shit.
SOUND: Freaky, fleshy noises.
Evelyn: Perfect. Tarrare, you can turn around now.
Tarrare: [Gasps] My god...it’s the spitting image of him...Papa?
Riley: [Sighs] Yes, son, it is I, your father.
Tarrare: [Deeply emotional] Papa, it's been so long, I thought I'd never see you again.
Riley: [Phoning it in] It’s been a long time, but neither time nor distance can dull the flame of my love for you, son.
Tarrare: [Choking up] Really? Because you'd think, if that were the case, you'd have let me stay in your home you, how you say, fucking asshole!
Evelyn: Oh wow, I didn’t see this coming.
Tarrare: You were a terrible father! All you ever did was drink and smoke and womanise--
Riley: This is all just standard, boilerplate French dude activity.
Tarrare: If you were any man at all, you'd have made sure that your family lived a happy and prosperous life. I shat myself to death in a Versailles hospital at twenty-six! Are you happy about that?
Riley: Uh, no?
Tarrare: Just what I thought! And now our descendants are uncultured American cannibals.
Riley: But they make great twenty-people chilli.
Tarrare: I wouldn't know, because I'm dead, because you were an awful dad! You remember what you told me before you abandoned me? You told me that you wished you hadn't even had me!
Riley: [He’s struck a nerve] Oh. Did I, uh, did I say that?
Tarrare: Oui!
Riley: That’s...that’s a shitty thing for any parent to say to their kid. Whether it's your dad or your, um, mom…
Evelyn: Uh, Riley, you're going off-script. Is everything okay?
Riley: For what it's worth, Tarrare, you didn't need me. In spite of all the awful shit I said, your memory lives on hundreds of years later. I'm just a footnote in your story. You became a person worth remembering, and you didn't need me to do it.
Tarrare: Yes. I suppose you're right about that. Kiss my fragrant French ass, Dad, it’s been nice seeing you.
SOUND: Tarrare sighs. He sounds happier than before.
Tarrare: Strange. There’s a new lightness to me now, like something’s been lifted from my chest. You know, I don't even feel hungry anymore. [Laughs] I think it's time to go.
Evelyn: Go where?
Tarrare: Wherever comes next. Thank you, Riley and Evelyn. If we end up in the same place, I'll save a bottle of wine for the three of us.
Riley: We’ll hold you to that.
Tarrare: [Voice fading] Au revoir!
SOUND: Ghostly noises. Tarrare is gone.
Evelyn: You okay, Riley?
Riley: [Sniffs] Me? Oh yeah, I'm fine, all good. Just, you know, some of that hit a little close to home.
Evelyn: I think what you said about him is true for you too, Riles. You're awesome, and your mom doesn't have anything to do with it.
Riley: Can I change back now? This is getting a little uncomfortable.
Evelyn: Yup.
SOUND: Fleshy noises as Riley shifts back.
Riley: God, I feel like I just ran a fucking marathon. I should not have done that on such a full stomach, cause now I've got a stitch.
Evelyn: I feel like “full stomach” is an understatement.
Riley: What's that supposed to mean?
Evelyn: How do I put this...you ordered like four whole meals, and looking at you right now, I feel like people would offer you their seat on the bus.
Riley: This is a non-visual medium. The only people who can judge me are you and God, and I've already come to terms with that.
Evelyn: Hey, who said I was judging?
SOUND: Riley groans.
Riley: Did this episode even have a theme? I feel like we dropped the ball on this one.
Evelyn: I got to see you shapeshift and we saved a spirit from eternal torment, so that's pretty cool.
Riley: Tell that to the reviewers. [Winces] I’m gonna feel dead in the morning.
Evelyn: [Sympathetically snarky] Oh, poor you, I couldn't imagine how that feels.
Riley: Up yours, Hooper. Let me have my self-pity.
Evelyn: You can have some left-over chilli, if you want.
Riley: Let’s put it in the fridge. I think I lost my appetite…
[THE END]