Riley is contacted by Moxie, an excitable aspiring filmmaker and witch, who wants to adapt The Sword of R’lyeh into an independent movie. However, creative differences soon throw a wrench into the works...

+transcript

SOUND: Panicked fumbling from the microphone being haphazardly grabbed. Riley is in a state of manic excitement.

Riley: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I have the greatest, most important, and most groundbreaking news to share with all of you!

Evelyn: Yeah, tell ‘em, Riles! This is so exciting!

Riley: Your best ghoulfriend has just been contacted by a legit FILMMAKER! That’s right, a maker of films! And she wants to make…

Evelyn: Wait for it…Ghost drumroll! [makes drumroll noises]

Riley: An adaptation of my ingenious fantasy novel, The Sword of R’lyeh, into a real movie! No, maybe even an epic trilogy-- no, octology. I’ve been practicing my Oscar speech all morning. [clears throat] “First of all, fuck you, Mom, for not believing in me. In fact, fuck all--

SOUND: Riley’s Oscar screed is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: “And in conclusion, you can’t silence me, no matter how loud you play that music, because I still have four more hours of speech left!”

Evelyn: I think you got lost in the fantasy there, Riles.

Riley: I’m just planning for possible contingencies, in the event they try to suppress my truths.

Evelyn: [excitedly] So, can I read the email?

Riley: Go for it!

Evelyn: [clears throat] “Dear Mx. Almanzor,” Oh wow, she got your gender right!

Riley: [delighted] Right!? The bar of decency just got a centimeter higher!

Evelyn: It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is! Anyway, “I’m emailing you to say that I’m the biggest fan of your writing and I will fight anyone who says you’re not a genius to the death in single combat!”

Riley: You hear that, listeners? That’s the kind of devotion I want in a fan.

Evelyn: “I’m a practicing witch and a really good filmmaker and I would like to adapt the Sword of R’lyeh into an epic film asdjkdfk--.” I think maybe she fell asleep on the keyboard?

Riley: Whatever. Either way, the audience now understands how incredible an opportunity this is for all life in the universe.

Evelyn: “Sincerely, Moxie Colburn. P.S. I’d love to come down to the morgue and talk about it on your podcast. It’s at a morgue, right? Cause I’m banned from a couple of those. But nobody has to know. See you then. At the morgue. Byeeee!” And then a bunch of emojis. Mostly hearts, kissy lips, and then one of those red Japanese masks with the long noses. Not sure how to interpret that.

Riley: Trust me, it’s good. Also, this is a basement, not a morgue.

Evelyn: This is all so exciting! I love it when we have intentional guests!

Riley: Yeah! I wonder when they’ll get here. How do I look? Is my hair alright?

Mox: Your hair is perfect, you look amazing, and I’m already here! Jazz hands!

SOUND: Riley & Evelyn scream.

Mox: Oh no! Did I startle you!?

Riley: No, I’m screaming with excitement.

Evelyn: Me too!

SOUND: All three of them scream.

Mox: Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get right down to business. I’m so excited to meet both of you--

SOUND: Riley screams again, by themself.

Riley: I’m sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Please continue.

Mox: No, no! Screams are good! I love screams!

Evelyn: So this is Moxie?

Mox: Yep! Moxie Colburn at your service! Witch! Filmmaker! Special effects makeup extraordinaire! Part-time Über driver! Full-time Sword of R’lyeh super fan!

Evelyn: Ooh, you can see me! [beat; concerned] Oh no, you’re not a deranged murderer, are you? Or a cosmic being? Or technically undead? Or high on a number of illicit substances?

Mox: [snort laughing] Naw! I brewed up a potion just for this occasion! Took some really specific ingredients, too… Know where I can replenish my supply of Chex mix?

Riley: Walmart, probably. I’ll ask Tiffany. ANYWAY! Let’s talk about this movie. Or trilogy. Or Octology--

Mox: Pentadecalogy!

Riley: The movie.

Mox: The movie!

Evelyn: The movie!

Riley: Let’s talk about it.

Mox: Let’s.

Evelyn: Wow. We’re actually having a normal episode of the podcast for once!

Riley: Hell yeah! Eat my ass, NPR! Everyone knows your name stands for Nationally Pre-approved Reality!

Evelyn: Not true--

Riley: So, how do you wanna do this? How many actors do we need to hire? What scenes are you thinking of including? Tell me every detail I want to hear, exactly how I want to hear it!

Mox: Well! I was thinking of focusing on the Trial of Cord’dra’mah arc. Don’t get me wrong, all of it was dynamite, but the imagery of that part really inspired me.

Riley: Oh, you mean between pages 4,356 and 8,167? Will we include the hunt for Nahog the Terrible or are you thinking of leaving that for the sequel?

Evelyn: I remember beta-reading that part! It had some really interesting word choices!

Mox: OHHHH! Lucky! I would KILL to be able to beta read for the Sword of R’lyeh!

SOUND: Papers rustle excitedly.

Riley: Really? ‘Cause I have my latest manuscript right here!

SOUND: Mox gasps in excitement.

Evelyn: Let’s stay on task, people. We’ve got a movie to make!

Riley: Right, right. I can just email them to you later.

Mox: Down to business! I like that! First step, brainstorming!

Riley: But wait, why would we need to brainstorm? It’s all down there on the page.

Evelyn: Well, it’s an adaptation. What works on the page, doesn’t always translate well to the screen.

Riley: [a little dejected] Oh… Right. That’s… fine. I suppose.

Mox: Think of it like this: The book is its own thing, and so is the movie. That means there will be two whole amazing Sword of R’lyeh things out there in the world when we’re done.

Riley: [perked up] Two Swords of R’lyeh? I do like the sound of that.

Evelyn: Exactly! I’m really proud of how well you’re taking this, Riles.

Riley: Okay so...What’s the first step?

Mox: First, we need to identify the heart and soul of the Sword of R’lyeh! Movies are a lot more streamlined than books, so I think we need to figure out what makes this story work as well as it does. I think the emotional core of the movie will definitely be the friendship between R’lyeh and Eve the Bard.

Evelyn: I like where this is going!

Riley: I mean, that would be a pretty cool aspect to have in the film. It’s been really fun to write! But what about all the action, and the set pieces, and all the scenes of R’lyeh being a genius and a badass?

Mox: Those can still be in there! My friend Yoga Keith knows Taekwondo, karate, and Wii Sports, so he can be the on-set stunt coordinator.

Evelyn: And I know first aid from girl scouts if anyone gets injured!

Riley: I’m going to play R’lyeh, obviously.

Mox: Have you ever acted on camera before?

Riley: No, but I normally stare straight ahead into the wall when we’re recording the show, so I just have to face the camera, right?

Mox: Yes! With as much eye contact with the camera as possible. Really make the audience feel seen!

Riley: I always thought all the best parts of movies were when the actors look directly at the screen, so I’m glad that I’m hearing it confirmed by a real filmmaker.

Mox: Anyone who knows their stuff will tell you, acting is all in the eyes and nowhere else.

Evelyn: Which is good because Riley is like, 90% eyes.

Mox: I know! It’s captivating!

Riley: Where will we get the armor? It has to be authentic medieval pig iron.

Mox: Yoga Keith is also a blacksmith.

Evelyn: We’re learning some fascinating things about your friend Keith, Moxie.

Mox: Yoga Keith. Oh, also, I had a few teeny, tiny, itty bitty ideas for plot alterations, just to ease the transition. How do you feel about cowboys?

Riley: Hate ‘em.

Mox: How do you feel about cowboys in Sword of R’lyeh?

Riley: Don’t like it.

Mox: I hear what you’re saying, but what if the Sword of R’lyeh had cowboys in it!

Riley: [pained struggle noises] What are your other ideas? I’m being open-minded.

Evelyn: [whispering] Proud of you!

Mox: You know the orcs R’lyeh fights on the Wall of Martia?

Riley: Actually, it’s In the Wall of Martia, it’s more a conceptual wall, but yes, I remember the orcs I wrote.

Mox: Well, I was thinking, “orcs as enemies” is such a played-out trope. What if… they were friends coming to help R’lyeh in a time of need?

Evelyn: Awww, that sounds nice.

Riley: [frustrated] But then who is R’lyeh going to suplex in that scene? They’re not even in a time of need if they don’t have orcs to fight!

Mox: I always saw R’lyeh’s real battle as being more of an internal struggle against their own insecurities.

Riley: [indignant] It is not! It is an external fight against orcs inside of a giant fuck-off wall!

Evelyn: Didn’t you just say that The Wall was conceptual?

Riley: Film is a visual medium! The Wall can be real, and I’m the writer, so that’s that.

Mox: There’ll still be other action scenes, though! I have this amazing idea!

Riley: I’m listening…

Mox: R’lyeh falls… into a snake pit!

[beat]

Riley: What?

Mox: Snake pit! A pit of snakes! Snakes in a pit. A bunch of little guys down there. Snake pit. R’lyeh falls into it.

Riley: No.

Mox: [devastated] But… But why not…?

Riley: Because it’s stupid! Riley- I mean, R’lyeh is too cool and genius-brained to ever fall into a snake pit, like some dunce in that adventure game I can’t beat. Plus, if R’lyeh fell into a snake pit, which they wouldn’t, they’d actually enjoy it, because they’d just eat all the snakes!

Mox: [scandalized gasp] How dare you! What did those innocent little noodles ever do to R’lyeh?

Riley: Calling them noodles doesn’t make them less edible!

Evelyn: Wait, can we back up? Isn’t the point of a snake pit that it’s dangerous?

Mox: Well, this would be more of a friendly snake pit… Still lots of blood and violence, but from the fall!

Riley: I thought you were a fan! R’lyeh’s armor grants them various sorceries that include immunity to fall damage.

Mox: I don’t remember that in the book.

Evelyn: [whispers] Riley, you’re confusing your book’s canon with your D&D character.

Riley: There’s only one canon, Evelyn! And it’s whatever I say it is! I am the author! Master of story-craft! You think you can point a camera at my brain and make it do the chicken dance, well, no way! I don’t need this! [beat] Wait… Actually, I do need this. [sigh] I’m gonna go stand outside for a minute and calm down. Sorry.

SOUND: Riley leaves, the door slams behind them.

Mox: [hesitant, sad] I feel like I messed everything up… Did I mess everything up?

Evelyn: No, it’s okay! I actually really liked a lot of your ideas. And I’m sure Riley will come around eventually, too, they’re just a little bit precious with their stories, and they’re slow to adapt to change, too. How about we workshop some of those ideas?

Mox: [perked right back up] Yeah? I’d love to! I have so many more!

Evelyn: I’ve got some ideas too! Like what if Eve the Bard got more songs?

Mox: Oh! Eve can narrate the epic final battle… through song!

Evelyn: Yes! And maybe she helps R’lyeh defeat the Dark Lord through the power of friendship!

Mox: Yes, yes, yes! Then we’ll get started on the screen test--

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Ominous music, serious tone.

News Reporter: A series of violent and unexplained murders in the Tallahassee metro area has been leaving police shocked and horrified. Bodies torn apart, heads crushed, and the one thing in common has been an open box of the controversial new cereal, “Psych-O’s”, on the kitchen table...

SOUND: Cut to edgy, giggling, 90s-style cereal mascot: Killer Joe.

Killer Joe: Hey kids! It’s Killer Joe, and I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna go crazy for a fresh box of Psych-O’s, the only cereal packed full of pure PCP, for the cereal-killers in your life! You’ll do anything to get them - lie to your parents, hurt your friends, shoplift from the local supermarket, and more. They taste just that good.

SOUND: A bound, gagged victim lets out a muffled cry.

Killer Joe: Ooh! Somebody’s hungry! And it’s only been five minutes since his sixth bowl of Psych-O’s, but who am I to deny a guest what he wants?

SOUND: Maniacal laughter. Nasty noises. Screaming. Cut back to News Reporter.

News Reporter: Psych-O’s, they’re literally addictive. Keep them away from your kids today.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

SOUND: People walking & talking around. The slight echo of a more cavernous studio space. Noises of Moxie playing with equipment.

Yoga Keith: [quietly but with force; in the background] High kick! Hiyah! Karate! Reach for the sun!

Evelyn: We’re here at the set Moxie rented out! It’s really cool, and I’m hoping Riley will turn up sometime soon. They’re missing Yoga Keith’s awesome fight choreography demonstration!

Yoga Keith: [battle exertion noises]

Evelyn: He’s so flexible!

Mox: I know. What a hunk’a eye candy, huh?

Evelyn: How is all the equipment coming along, Moxie?

Mox: We’re looking real good! I’ve got the cameras, stands, lights, snacks, death lasers... Just need the star to show up now!

SOUND: The door is kicked down.

Riley: Alright, I’m here to save this movie-- Is that a snake pit?

SOUND: Subtle snake hissing.

Riley: They’re so… Small.

Mox: We’ll fix it in post.

Riley: Whatever. I’m here to save this movie with my badass fighting skills and unparalleled knowledge of the source material!

Evelyn: Yay! So Riley, Moxie and I talked it over, and I’m actually going to be the assistant director--

Mox: It’s going to be amazing! I’ve never had an assistant director before!

Riley: So who’s going to be playing Eve the Bard, then? Mox: Yoga Keith is!

Yoga Keith: Hiyah! [strums mandolin]

Riley: [impressed] He is undeniably limber. For a human. But why can’t you play her? The book isn’t autobiographical, but you’d be perfect for the part - by sheer coincidence.

Evelyn: Awww! I’d love to, but the cameras would have trouble tracking me with my whole… being dead thing.

Mox: And besides, this is only a screen test, we won’t be using it for the final movie. So Yoga Keith is just acting as a temporary stand-in before full casting. Right, YK?

Yoga Keith: HIYAH!

SOUND: Yoga Keith karate chops a block of wood in half.

Evelyn: Whoa, he just karate chopped a whole block of wood in half, he’s perfect!

Mox: Yeah, he does things like that.

Riley: And now it’s my turn to do something cool. What scene is this?

Mox: This is the battle of the Wall of Martia.

Riley: Where’s the wall?

Mox: We’ll fix it in post.

Riley: And why is there a snake pit at the Wall of Martia? Which, by the way, is a paddling pool full of about eight of the least threatening snakes I’ve ever seen.

SOUND: More quiet hissing.

Mox: Like I said, we’ll fix that in post.

Evelyn: While you were taking that break, Mox and I did a first draft of the script. I actually took a screenwriting elective in college, so I remembered a lot of the formatting.

Mox: You should see the ending she wrote. It made me cry for like, five whole hours! Then I took a lunch break, then I cried for like, another whole five hours. Then I had to call up my best friend to tell her I loved her, and now we’re here. I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Riley: That’s great and all, but people don’t watch movies to cry, they watch them to see the lives of cool strangers they wish they were. Speaking of, where’s my armor?

SOUND: Clanking as Yoga Keith approaches, holding the armor.

Yoga Keith: This pig iron was really difficult to work with, but I think I’ve finally got it. For aesthetics, I mixed a little of Geoffroi de Charny with a touch of William of Poitiers for texture. What do you guys think? Riley: [trembling voice] It’s… perfect... Wow, guys… This is kind of really coming together. I think this might actually work ou--

SOUND: Distant explosion.

Riley: What the f--

Mox: Aw, the special effects wagon blew up... I knew I shouldn’t have put the plastic explosives next to all those torches, but I couldn’t afford to rent a bigger wagon. Most of my money went towards the snake pits.

Riley: Why do you have plastic explosives?

Evelyn: For the car chase that Mox and I wrote into act two.

Riley: Excuse me? Cars? That’s not a part of the book, that’s a Pixar movie!

Mox: Exactly! No one knows how to drive in medieval times, which is why they all crash and explode! Except for R’lyeh, who’s smart and talented enough to know they should be on a horse.

Evelyn: You can add the explosions back in during post-production, right?

Mox: Post-production solves everything!

Riley: I’ll admit, that’s pretty rad, but it still spits in the face of historical accuracy, and I can’t pretend I’m fully comfortable with that.

Evelyn: But Riley, everyone knows orcs went extinct around the tenth century, and you still include them despite The Sword of R’lyeh clearly being set in the late medieval period.

Riley: That’s totally different, and you know it! Why did you add so much stuff?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been re-reading Save the Cat, and it says that it’s important to have conflict and rising action in Act 2, or the audience will get bored. In the original story, a lot of it is inner monologue about how great R’lyeh is, which doesn’t translate very well to the screen.

Riley: Haven’t you ever heard of narration? All the best movies use it!

Mox: You’re right! I’ll add it in post. Anyway, put your armor on, we’re almost ready to start filming!

Riley: But I don’t know my lines. Or where to stand.

Mox: You don’t need it, you just need to feel it! I believe in you!

SOUND: Clanking & shuffling as Riley puts on the armor and gets in place.

Riley: Okay. Here I am. What now?

Yoga Keith: Don’t forget your sword, I forged it this morning.

SOUND: He throws Riley the sword. They catch it.

Riley: Thanks, Yoga Keith.

Yoga Keith: No biggie.

Mox: Alright, I’m rolling. Say the line!

Riley: What line?

Evelyn: The line, Riles!

Riley: I don’t know what line it is! I was never given a script!

Yoga Keith: [whispering to Riley] Hark, an army appears doth yonder.

Riley: The army can wait, I need to figure out this line, Yoga Keith!

Mox: Okay, okay, maybe they just need to be read in. Keith, take it from the top!

SOUND: Mandolin strum.

Yoga Keith: [in character] Oh my strong and dear friend, R’lyeh, how fortuitous it is that there is no army to be seen. This means we will have more time to do taekwondo. Hiyah!

Evelyn: Great job, Yoga Keith! Just like we rehearsed!

Riley: Wait, you had rehearsals? When? Also, none of this is in the book!

Mox: We rehearsed from about six in the morning ‘til about five minutes before you walked in.

Yoga Keith: You were a few hours late, so I played all the parts.

Riley: A stick got caught in my scooter’s wheel, sue me! Can I at least see a script before we film anymore?

Mox: Good, that’s just how we wrote it! Now jump into the snake pit!

Riley: THAT was the correct line?

Evelyn: We went very postmodern with our adaptation, like Charlie Kaufman! Yoga Keith, next line! You can do it, buddy!

SOUND: Mandolin strum.

Yoga Keith: [in-character] Stride forth, my brave and noble friend R’lyeh, for there is no unexpected snake pit that you will most certainly fall into!

Riley: I have fall damage immunity! And my eyes are too good to miss that stupid rubber snake pit.

Mox: The snakes are real! And they have names! That’s Freddy, Jason, Dracula, Elvira, Chucky--

Riley: I’m not falling in the stupid pit! It’s not gonna happen!

Evelyn: Do the R’lyeh voice, Riley! Like at D&D! It’ll help immerse people in the scene!

Riley: I would if I knew my fucking lines! Script! Please!

Yoga Keith: [whispering to Riley] Eve, my trusty bard. Fetch me my finest chainmail for this upcoming battle. But before that, sing me a song to boost mineth spirits.

Riley: Again, Keith, I can’t respond to Eve’s lines if I don’t know what mine are!

Yoga Keith: [whispering louder to Riley] The army approaches even more so than it had previously approached. Somehow.

Riley: I don’t like that Eve is getting all the coolest lines. I’m feeling upstaged.

Evelyn: Those are your lines, Rile-- R’lyeh!

Riley: [unsure] The army approaches--

SOUND: Frantic mandolin strumming

Yoga Keith: The army is here! Everyone who isn’t as cool as you, my strong and perfect friend R’lyeh, must retreat!

Mox: [frantic, excited] Cue the thunder!

SOUND: Thunder booms overhead. All lines are shouted over the storm.

Riley: Is… Is it raining in here? What!?

Mox: Magic! It isn’t real-real! Keep going!

Riley: The army is--

Evelyn: Next line!

Riley: What is it?

Mox: It’s the Smoking Ents of T’iffany!

Riley: What? No, not those-- But where are they, anyway?

Mox: We’ll add it in post!

Evelyn: It’s stunt time, Riles! Do your thing!

Riley: Where? What? How? And don’t say anything about a snake pit if you want to keep your heads!

Yoga Keith: Don’t worry! It’s a stage sword!

Riley: A stage sword!? [breaks into a frustrated, feral scream] I can’t work under these conditions! This is bullshit, all of it! This stupid set!

SOUND: Riley grunts with exertion as they smash up the set with their sword.

Riley: This whole place is nothing but a big lie! A giant interwoven web of lies and deceit! And deception! I’ll tear it all down!

SOUND: Frantic mandolin music.

Mox: Wow, that stage sword is doing a lot of damage. YK really pulled out all the stops with that one.

Evelyn: They’re destroying the whole set! Keep playing, Yoga Keith! The music will calm them!

SOUND: The mandolin builds in intensity.

Yoga Keith: [panicked] I’ve got blisters on my fingers!

Mox: Toes! Toes, Yoga Keith, use your toes!

SOUND: Swoosh! Riley’s sword swings through the air. They continue to flail wildly and smash up the room around them.

Riley: Nothing will survive my wrath!

Evelyn: Do the voice, Riley! I believe in you!

Riley: [unintelligible angry yelling]

Mox: What are they doing?

Riley: I defy you, snake pit!

SOUND: Riley picks up the snake pit and flips it. Snakes go flying. Panicked hisses.

Mox: Oh no! My babies!

Riley: Slither away, you stupid freeloaders! Everyone betrayed me! I’m fed up with this world! [continues to scream]

Evelyn: [concerned] Riley!

Mox: Yoga Keith! Use your taekwondo, it’s our only hope!

Yoga Keith: I can’t play mandolin and do taekwondo at the same time! Curse my limited talent! I’m a failure! Don’t look at me!

SOUND: Mandolin drops to the floor. Yoga Keith runs away crying.

Evelyn: Yoga Keith, no! We’re nothing without you!

Riley: I am the flaming sword of justice! There is no escape!

SOUND: Riley smashes more things. Explosions. Mox and Evelyn scream. Audio cuts out.

[BEAT]

SOUND: The audio clicking back on. They’re back in the basement.

Mox: I had a lot of fun on-set last week! So, I’ve spent the last few days cleaning up the footage, and I think you’re really gonna like what you see. I did a lot of re-reading of the Sword of R’lyeh, and I’ve really narrowed down the spirit of the series.

Evelyn: That’s so cool! How are you feeling, Riley?

Riley: Better now. I was a little upset at the time, but all that senseless destruction was great for releasing pent-up rage. So, let’s see what you managed to salvage from that unmitigated disaster of a screen test.

SOUND: Click as Mox hits play.

[SWORD OF R’LYEH MOVIE BEGINS - ALL S.O.R AUDIO IS ITALICIZED/BOLDED. R’lyeh’s audio is pitched down slightly, and Eve the Bard’s is pitched up. All lines are repurposed audio from the prior sequence]

SOUND: Mandolin music fades in. Epic fantasy ambiance.

R’lyeh: I am the flaming sword of justice!

SOUND: Thunder. Swords clash epically.

Riley: Holy shit… That’s the Wall of Martia! And R’lyeh looks so cool!

Eve the Bard: Stride forth, my brave and noble friend R’lyeh, for there is no unexpected snake pit that you will most certainly fall into!

SOUND: Fearsome hissing of hell serpents

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, the snakes are huge!

R’lyeh: I defy you, snake pit!

SOUND: R’lyeh strikes at the snakes.

R’lyeh: Slither away!

Riley: [really getting into it] Yes, yes! Get ‘em!

Eve the Bard: The army is here! Everyone who isn’t as cool as you, my strong and perfect friend R’lyeh must retreat!

R’lyeh: Nothing will survive my wrath! [unintelligible angry yelling]

SOUND: The most epic battle you’ve ever heard. R’lyeh wins, of course.

Mox: [as an enemy soldier, pitched down] Wow, that [obvious cut] sword is doing a lot of damage.

Evelyn: They’re destroying the whole [obvious cut] Yoga Keith: army [obvious cut] Evelyn: We’re nothing!

Evelyn: Oh wow, that’s me! Mostly!

Riley: [completely enraptured] Shhhh! I don’t want to miss a second of this!

SOUND: The awesome battle continues. Occasional dragon noises. Intense mandolin.

R’lyeh: There is no escape!

Eve the Bard: I’ve got blisters on my fingers!

SOUND: Whale noises.

R’lyeh: This whole place is nothing but a big lie! A giant interwoven web of lies and deceit! And deception! I’ll tear it all down!

SOUND: They ride the space whale away to the moon.

[MOVIE ENDS!]

Riley: [in disbelief] That’s… the whale. They got the space whale.

Mox: Told you I’d fix it in post.

Evelyn: How did you do all that?

Mox: Editing and special effects magic. [beat] [gigglesnorts] Well, mostly magic.

Riley: [awe; joy] This...is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! You two actually made the Sword of R’lyeh even cooler than it already was! And I didn’t even think that was possible! The fucking sword and the armor and the Wall of Martia and the armies and even the stupid fucking snakes were somehow cool as shit!

Evelyn: But hey, it wouldn’t have been possible if you didn’t bring so much passion to the table, Riles. That’s the beauty of group projects: Everyone makes it possible together.

Mox: Though working with an awesome filmmaker helps too, of course. [beat] I’m talking about me.

Riley: I don’t even know what to say. This is the best thing ever. I wanna watch it again right now. Can we watch it again right now?

Evelyn: Maybe wait until after we record, for the sake of the listeners.

Riley: That’s fair. Will there be more of this?

Mox: I mean, I’m not opposed to making more! Oh! And the next one can have even more explosions! And snakes! And it’ll be called the Rage of R’lyeh!

Evelyn: And more Eve the Bard, too! If Yoga Keith wants to reprise the role.

Mox: You know Yoga Keith, he’s down for anything.

Riley: You know what? That makes two of us. Now let’s wrap this up, I wanna watch it again!

SOUND: Riley clicks “Play”.

[SWORD OF R’LYEH MOVIE BEGINS]

SOUND: Mandolin music fades in. Epic fantasy ambiance.

R’lyeh: I am the flaming sword of justice!

SOUND: Thunder. Swords clash epically.

[END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Shaun Kingham, Gus Zagarella, and Henry Galley. With episode art by Shaun Kingham and Jasper Taylor. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Kelly Nugent as Mox, Zane Schacht as Yoga Keith, Henry Galley as Killer Joe, and Scott Thomas as The Newsreader.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Long before ‘dying’ at the hands of his cabin boy, Captain Cishmale docks ship at a rustic, nautical tavern and attempts to prove his manliness to a group of fellow seafarers.

+transcript

Sam Sarnie: Hello, America! I’m Sam Sarnie, entrepreneur, supermarket owner, and on the run from the FDA. You may remember me from that other ad I was in. Lately, the Less Is Morgue team have been enjoying two traditional staples of British Christmas - My famous Mushy Peas Pudding Pie, and coincidental explosive diarrhea. So I’m delivering this message on their behalf while they work out the demons!

Less Is Morgue will be taking a brief break over the rest of December, with episode seven, Lights, Camera, Putrefaction coming out on January 7th! That’s right, America, January 7th! It’s a real Bobby Dazzler. I’m marking January 7th right now in my Page Three Girl calendar - Sorry Ella, my love for you will never die, even though you did, from casserole-poisoning! But wait! There’s more: Those wacky weirdos from the Less Is Morgue team may even have some goodies for you before then, but don’t hold me or them to that! I’ve been reliably informed that some of the most stonking episodes are yet to come! And that’s a good thing!

In the meantime, here’s a bonus episode giving some well-deserved pathos to everyone’s favorite tragic hero: Captain Cishmale! This is Tales from the Sea, written by my fellow countryman Charlie Porritt, and featuring the voice talents of a bunch of filthy, suet-averse Americans. Namely, Gus Zagarella, Scott Thomas, Jeremy Showell, Josh Rubino, and Zane Schacht. Gotta run, folks, there’s some cabbage that needs boiling! Happy Holidays!

SOUND: Spongebob-esque music plays, the clink of metal tankards and the low rumble of chatter fills a dockside tavern. Thomas Woke is telling a story to a group of fellow pirates.

Thomas Woke: And then, the two marooned wickies realised, there was no sense in fightin’ each other any longer. And so they both lived in harmony on that island together, and died peacefully in their sleep.

SOUND: Confused murmurings from pirates.

Short Jim Bronze: Was that really the endin’ ta that story, Tom? Thomas Woke: [wheezes] Nay, only joshin’ ya lads! One man killed the other with an axe, then was pecked to death by gulls!

SOUND: The pirates explode into raucous laughter.

Thomas Woke: [over the laughs] The looks on ye faces, I had ya goin’ there! One-Eyed William: [over the laughs] T’was truly the deeply disturbin’ psychological thriller that ye promised it would be!

SOUND: A door slams as it is thrown open, causing the laughter to abruptly stop. Heavy, peg-legged footsteps as a figure hobbles into the tavern.

One-Eyed William: Are ye lost, friend?

Capt. Cishmale: No, I’m not and I’m not ya friend, either.

Thomas Woke: If ye be lookin’ ta start trouble, ye best be startin’ it elsewhere.

Capt. Cishmale: [scoffs] Pathetic, the lot of ya. Call yaselves seafarin’ men?

Short Jim Bronze: Aye, we do. I’m Short Jim Bronze, that there behind the bar be One-Eyed William and this is Thomas Woke, our crew’s beloved storyteller. And who might ye be?

Capt. Cishmale: Ya mean ta say, ya haven’t got the faintest idea who you’re talkin’ to?

Thomas Woke: Are ye well-known among sailin’ folk?

Capt. Cishmale: Of course I am! What kinda sissy question is that?

One-Eyed William: There’s no need for hostility! Look, perchance we all got off on the wrong foot-

Capt. Cishmale: Ya dare mock me peg leg?!

One-Eyed William: T’was but a figure a speech! What say we get ye a tankard ‘a grog and ye can introduce yerself to us properly.

Capt. Cishmale: As much as I’d normally detest the idea of humorin’ a gaggle of beta males like yourselves, I’ll accept in the interest of not payin’ for service to which I am entitled.

SOUND: Drink pouring. Tankard placed on table. Cishmale glugs.

Short Jim Bronze: Err...’tis customary that we make a toast.

Capt. Cismale: [sighs] Urrgh, fine. Just make it quick.

Thomas Woke: Allow me. [to all] Should pale death and treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, and god who hear’st the surges roll, deign to save our suppliant soul.

Capt. Cismale: Sounds like more sissy-talk to me. You boys pirates or butt-pirates? [chuckles to himself]

Thomas Woke: Ye talk a mighty big game, sailor. Man what talks so high and mighty best have the reputation ta boot. Indulge us if ya will, what’s yer name?

Capt. Cismale: You fools don’t know greatness when it sits before ya? I’m Cishmale, Captain Heteratio Cishmale of the mighty Pecker II, and as for reputations, I’m sure mine would have docked at this tavern long before I did!

SOUND: More confusion from the pirates.

One-Eyed William: Cish-male, ye say? Can’t say that any of us have heard of ye.

Capt. Cismale: Impossible, scrawny miscreant!

One-Eyed William: I literally be taller than ye.

Capt. Cismale: I’m known to be saltier than any seadogs, or seamen for that matter.

Short Jim Bronze: Very well, Cishmale. If ye truly wish to live up to yer high-talkin’, why not regale us with a tale of derrin’-do? If we ‘ere find it a testament to the manliness yer claimin’ ta have, then the lads here will hoist a tankard in yer honor.

SOUNDS: Pirates cheer.

Short Jim Bronze: If not, then you’ll be payin’ for all our drinks. Then we’ll probably bar ye, because frankly, y’aren’t pleasant company.

Capt. Cismale: Pah! Why bother? The stories I could tell ya would make all of you wet your britches, like the little girls ya all are!

One-Eyed William: Now hold on there, Cishmale. That’s no respectful way to talk about women.

Capt. Cishmale: Whadda you know, ya cycloptic cuck.

One-Eyed William: Well, now me feelin’s are hurt as well.

Capt. Cishmale: Very well, I shall tell ya a tale!

Thomas Woke: I look forward to seein’ how it compares ta mine.

Short Jim Bronze: Aye, that’s true! Before ye joined us so...abruptly, Cishmale, Tom here was tellin’ us a grim and grizzled fable, of two stranded lighthouse keepers slowly succumbing to a madness that took hold a’ them.

Capt. Cishmale: [outraged] What?! Seems awful gay to me, what are ya, Tom? Some kinda sapphic homophile?

Thomas Woke: Actually, my partner Ephriam and I have been together many a year, married at sea we were.

SOUND: Pirates all aww.

Capt. Cishmale: Enough, I already stopped listening to ya! Gather ‘round then, as I tell you all a tale that would make Neptune nut if he could hear it.

SOUND: Thundercrack, rain and the sound of waves crashing. Epic piratical music.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] It was a stormy night, winds a-howlin’, waves a-crashin’, cheeks a-clappin’. I was a lad at the time, fresh-faced and clench-buttocked, servin’ aboard the SS Righteous Indignation under the renowned seafarin’ adventurer, Cap’n Chad Thundercock!

Capt. Thundercock: [Arrr’s for an uncomfortably long time] me laddie!

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] Together we’d scour the high seas, singin’ songs that told of the downfall of Anita Sarkeesian. For years we searched for chests to unlock, booty to plunder-

SOUND: Music and background sounds cut out.

Short Jim Bronze: Now, hold yer seahorses there! That’s quite an outdated and sexually objectifyin’ metaphor ta be usin’, it perpetuates all sorts’a old-fashioned ideas about gender equality that have no place in modern society.

Capt. Cishmale: I’ve never even looked upon a woman, why don’t ya go cry about it somewhere else!

SOUND: Music and background sounds resume.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] Anyways, Cap’n Thundercock and I were the ideal specimens of men, rugged, muscular, with no compunction for any lilly-livered liberal ways a’ thinkin’!

Capt. Thundercock: [sounds drunk in every line] Avast, Heteratio, me fine boy! Raise that mast and chart us a course for the Zipangu regions! I hear tale that there be womenfolk there made of the finest cloth known to man! Which is just as well, seein’ as we be runnin’ low on toilet paper.

Capt. Cishmale: Aye, mighty Thundercock! [narrating] We were settin’ out, all was well, when suddenly, from out of the ocean’s bowels came a turd of grim fate!

SOUND: Music and background sounds cut out.

One-Eyed William: Caught sight of yer own reflection, did ye?

SOUND: Pirates laugh.

Capt. Cishmale: Shut ya mouth, dog! Or I’ll poke out your other eye.

SOUND: Music and background sounds resume. There is a huge wave and the sound of a ship rocking. Familiar whale noises as a certain bigmouth bass swims by.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] I’d never seen a bass with a mouth so big, let alone in saltwater!

SOUND: Crashing, wood splintering.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] The bigmouthed bastard struck our portside with such a force, it brought the ship’s mast crashing down. Naturally, if I’d been underneath it, I would’a easily shrugged it off with me mooscles, but poor Cap’n Thundercock had grown flabby in his old age.

SOUND: A crash and scream of pain as Captain Thundercock is pinned under the fallen mast.

Capt. Thundercock: Help me, laddie! This heavy piece a’ wood is weighin’ me down! While I’d normally joke about bein’ used to that problem, I do actually think my legs are broken.

Capt. Cishmale: But Cap’n, surely you’re strong enough to lift it! I thought you were a mighty man, young and in your prime!

Capt. Thundercock: Dang and blast it Heteratio, ye’ve seen right through me! I’m not as young as I was, thirty-five is a rough age, why just look at me balding hair and belly like the blubber of a whale!

Capt. Cishmale: But you told me those were to fool your enemies, so you could catch them off-guard and surprise them with your awesome strength.

Capt. Thundercock: I lied to ye, lad. ‘Twas out of shame that you’d think me less of a man. Ye’see, Heteratio, masculinity’s a prison, harder to escape than any gaol. It takes a man stronger than I to look at himself and say ‘I don’t have to bow to these old standards, I can be confident in mysel-’

SOUND: The swing of an axe and a fleshy squelch, Captain Thundercock screams in pain.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] Naturally, he was talkin’ crazy from his injuries, so I hacked his legs off.

SOUND: Inspirational, uplifting music plays as the hacking and Captain Thundercock’s screams continue faintly.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] For, ya see, Cap’n Thundercock’s words struck a chord with me, moved somethin’ deep in my soul. He was right, and that day I learned an important lesson about manliness.

SOUND: Music abruptly cuts off.

Thomas Woke: Ye came ta see, through horror at yer own actions, that masculinity be a nebulous concept?

Capt. Cishmale: What? No! Seeing Thundercock cry over his injuries made me realise that emotional sincerity is for ladyfolk, and he was right, I did think of him as less of a man. Especially after I chopped his legs off.

SOUND: Background sounds resume.

Capt. Cishmale: So there I was, trapped aboard a sinking vessel with a legless cap’n.

Capt. Thundercock: Legless? Nonsense, I’m only on me first drink a’ the day.

Capt. Cishmale: No, I meant ya had no legs.

Capt. Thundercock: Oh, my mistake, carry on with yer story, lad.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] The elements were against us, so I did what any sane, truly-masculine individual like myself would do. I pulled my Cap’n off.

Capt. Thundercock: Pull me off, laddie!

SOUND: Suggestive grunting noises.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] That’s right, I pulled my Cap’n off the deck where he lay, and then [beat] I tossed him!

Capt. Thundercock: No, don’t toss me, Cishmale!

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] But toss him I did, right overboard-

Capt. Thundercock: Noooooo!

SOUND: Splash.

Capt. Cishmale: [narrating] Right into the bigmouthed bass that sealed his fate with it’s...very large jaws.

SOUND: Bigmouth Brad consumes Captain Thundercock. The music and sounds of the sea fade as Cishmale permanently returns to the tavern.

Capt. Cishmale: So, ya see, the lesson I learned that day was that bein’ manly is all about bein’ the strongest lubber around, bein’ willing ta do the things that everyone else is too afraid ta do, and putting your own survival before that of others.

SOUND: Cricket noises. Beat, then sounds of a scuffle.

Capt. Cishmale: Unhand me, ya dogs! Men don’t get this close to other men, it ain’t natural! No, don’t throw me out! Nooo!

SOUND: Cishmale is hurled out of the tavern.

Capt. Cishmale: [distant] Snowflakes the lotta ya. One-Eyed William: Thanks fer helpin’ me remove that barnacled bastard from me tavern, lads!

Short Jim Bronze: No trouble, I’ll be honest we’re glad ta see him gone!

Thomas Woke: Aye, agreed. What a sizeable fool.

One-Eyed William: Well, lads, drinks all around!

SOUNDS: Pirates cheer, tavern music starts up again.

Short Jim Bronze: ‘Ere, Tom, why don’t ya cleanse our souls with some better tales? Somethin’ we can all really dissect in a meanin’ful, critical and intellectually-rewardin’ way?

Thomas Woke: Aye, I think I have just the tale. Tell me, lads, did I ever tell ye the Tale of the Black Freighter?

[YER FOND OF ME LOBSTER, AIN’T YE?]

Evelyn finds a book on improv comedy. Things descend into madness shortly after.

+transcript

Evelyn: [excited] Hey, hey, hey everyone, if you’re listening to this, it means you probably love to laugh! [Makes snare-drum noise]

Riley: What!? This isn’t a comedy podcast-

Evelyn: Play along! Do your weird fact!

Riley: One out of ten doctors say that laughter is the best medicine. But when a Seattle physician flooded the ICU with laughing gas, his medical license was immediately revoked. You just can’t win these days. I’m Riley, your best Ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn! Your ghost host with the… jokes! Eh, Eh, Eh!

SOUND: INTRO MUSIC.

Evelyn: Eh! Do you get it, Riles? You get it? The jokes? Cause I’m gonna talk about comedy today?

Riley: Ev, you’re giving me a ghost elbow. I get that you’re having fun, but I can’t feel those.

Evelyn: Tell me, have you ever heard of the giggle-tastic Lafferson Twins?

Riley: That depends. Have they heard of me? And if so, who’s asking?

Evelyn: Firstly, I’m asking. And secondly, they’re only the funniest comedians since Larry the Cable Guy!

Riley: [horrified] Larry the Cable Guy?

Evelyn: Exactly, and that’s saying something! Larry’s a triple threat. Jokes, goofs, and cable installation! [impression] Get her done! [laughs]

Riley: You think he actually installs cable?

Evelyn: Duh! Do you think they’d let him lie about something like that on TV?

Riley: [snickers] Sure, and the Undertaker runs actual funerals, too.

Evelyn: Yeah! He gave me a pretty touching service.

Riley: Y’know, the more I learn about your funeral, Hooper, the more I hope you never have another one. Now, who the fuck are the Lafferson Twins?

Evelyn: They built the Ignore The Pain Podcast Network! They’re titans in our industry! They’re also the hosts of “Man, That Sucks” and “Knuckle Shuffle!”, among other comedy podcast hits! You really should know them.

Riley: Oh, I don’t listen to other podcasts. It might influence the show.

Evelyn: But what if they were a good influence?

Riley: Oh no.

SOUND: Pages as Evelyn levitates the book.

Evelyn: Listeners, I have purchased the last book on comedy that we’ll ever need. It’s the Lafferson Twins’ new release, “The Last Book on Comedy You’ll Ever Need.”

Riley: Well, I admire their resolve to get people to stop buying similar products. Three stars.

Evelyn: I think you mean two stars. Specifically, you and me! After we absorb this book’s secrets, we’ll be comedic goshes! I’ll be the next Seinfeld and you can be my Kramer!

Riley: I’ve been burned on books of secrets before. I’ve been speaking my mom’s death into the universe for years, and at this point, I think the universe is scared of her.

Evelyn: This is totally different. The problem with books like that is that the writers usually don’t have experience in whatever they’re talking about. Not like the Lafferson Twins, they’re the Rodney Dangerfield of making people laugh. [impression] I don’t get no respect!

Riley: I can’t imagine why.

Evelyn: Why don’t we play one of my favorite bits from their improv show, “Man, That Sucks”? You’ll see what I mean once you hear those tummy-twisting funnies.

Riley: Ev, we’ve infringed on copyright multiple times on this show for music, movies, and TV, and I couldn’t give a shit. But playing another podcast on our podcast? How low have we sunk?

Evelyn: Do you mean any of that or are you just ranting?

Riley: [grumbles] Okay, fine. We’ll play the bit.

Evelyn: Yay! Evelyn wins again!

SOUND: Evelyn hits the play button.

Banshee: It really would suck if you were scuba diving and your snorkel turned out to be a large piece of pasta.

Chimera: The biggest pasta.

Banshee: Da Big a’ pasta.

Chimera: So the water makes it stop being rigid, and you just drown with a floppy noodle on your face?

Banshee: That’d really put an al dente in your self-esteem.

Chimera: [pretending to drown] I’m drowning because my snorkel was pasta! This is such a fu-silly way to die.

SOUND: Both laugh.

Chimera and Banshee: Man, That Sucks.

SOUND: Evelyn pauses the clip.

Evelyn: [laughing] You see what I mean, Riles?

Riley: ...No?

Evelyn: They came up with all of that on the fly! They’re geniuses!

Riley: Geniuses? Really? That’s a word that should only be reserved for actual geniuses, like authors, and people who know about the Deep State.

Evelyn: They did write the book. And they have this other great bit about the Deep Dish State in episode 512...

Riley: Oh, so that’s a joke to them. There are some lines comedy shouldn’t cross.

Evelyn: Well, why don’t we cross some lines right now. But the safe ones! Like a crosswalk.

Riley: I’m more of a jaywalker, but sure, why not. We might as well give the listeners something to really fracture their funny bones.

Evelyn: That’s the spirit! And luckily for us, the book is arranged into fun exercises that even beginners can do. By the end of this, we’ll be the next Austin Powers! [impression] Groovy, baby!

Riley: Austin Powers is a fictional character. Mike Myers is the comedian.

Evelyn: [impression continues] Yeah, baby, yeah!

Riley: Really? This is the impression you’re gonna stick with?

Evelyn: [impression continues] Oh, behave.

Riley: I’m deeply disturbed. What’s the first exercise?

Evelyn: The Lafferson’s call this exercise “Pirate Ping-Pong” or “Riff-Raff Whiff-Whaff”.

Riley: Those both sound awful.

Evelyn: It says here we’re supposed to trade incoherent noises back and forth and try to make a conversation out of them. Bonus points if they’re pirate noises.

Riley: What are the points for?

Evelyn: Apparently, they don’t matter.

Riley: So we just make weird sounds? I’m pretty good at that.

Evelyn: Yar! Let’s set sail for comedy! I mean… just yar.

Riley: I’ll give you an easy pitch, and start us off with a [horrible noise]

Evelyn: [horrible noise]

Riley: [even more horrible noise]

Evelyn: [very bad noise]

Riley: [absolutely terrible noise]

Evelyn: [worst noise]

Riley: Whoa, whoa, Evelyn! You can’t say that in this house!

Evelyn: Wait, what did I say?

Riley: I know you didn’t mean it, but what you just said was actually something really fucked up in ghoulish.

Evelyn: Oh no! I had no idea!

Riley: If my mom heard you, it’d be Bloody Mary all over again. Let’s move on.

SOUND: Page turns.

Evelyn: Right, sorry. The next game is called “Three Line Scene.”

Riley: As a prolific writer, I already hate this. You need hundreds, if not thousands of lines to make a good scene.

Evelyn: Au contraire, my good ghoul, you can do anything in the world of improv.

Riley: Let the record state, Evelyn is doing jazz hands.

Evelyn: “Three Line Scene” is an easy one. One of us begins by describing a situation, and the next person gives a “Yes, and” statement.

Riley: Yes, and?

Evelyn: Yes! And then the last person builds off the previous two lines with a final “yes, and” statement, closing out the scene.

Riley: Uh...Maybe I’ll understand it better if I see it in action?

Evelyn: Yes. I’ll start. [beat] “Gee, it sure is hot in this office today.”

Riley: “Yes, and that’s because the whole building’s budget has been slashed by corporate and they’re blaming us workers for the faulty air conditioning. It’s another example of how the big wigs on top are keeping the little guy down.”

Evelyn: [uncertain] “Yes, and also the water cooler is empty.”

Riley: I think that one was pretty good, Ev. I might just have a knack for this improv stuff.

Evelyn: Okay… We’re still warming up, so I’ll start another one. [beat] “Boy, I can’t believe our pick-up truck broke down at the foot of this big mountain.”

Riley: “Yes, and we need to abandon it now, because if we don’t get over this mountain fast, the Night Gaunts will descend upon us and rend the blood from our ventricles.”

Evelyn: “Yes, and I’ve heard there’s a great diner on the other side of this mountain too.”

Riley: Boom! We nailed another one! I’m so good at this!

Evelyn: Uh… Yeah. Why don’t you start the next one? I’m sure it’ll be just as good.

Riley: Okay, here we go. Brace your sides for maximum splittage.

Evelyn: [strained] Bracing.

Riley: “For a thousand years, the tomb of the Demon Lord Yoguron has stood, guarded by the eight shamans of the five elements.”

Evelyn: “Yes, and...Uh...“

Riley: Oh, my bad. I’ll provide some more context on the shamans. The first shaman, who represents the element of surprise, is known as Boobookeys, and his seventeen family members are…

Evelyn: Three Line Scene is over. Let’s move on to the next exercise.

Riley: Fair enough, I think we pretty much kicked ass on that one. Do your worst, Laffersons!

Evelyn: The next exercise is called “Fortunately, Unfortunately”. One of us says positive things, and the other one says negative things.

Riley: That’s true. But what’s the game?

Evelyn: Basically, you’ll say “Fortunately” followed by a nice thing, and I’ll build on that with “Unfortunately”, followed by a not-so-nice side effect of the first thing. Then we just keep going, and see how long we can keep it up.

Riley: So I talk about things I like and you try to ruin them? I’ve been playing this game against society my whole life.

Evelyn: Why don’t you start us off, then?

Riley: Let’s get positive. “Fortunately, there's still three entire pizzas to eat.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, the toppings are all sardines.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I happen to like sardines very much.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, these actually aren’t sardines. They’re tin cans.”

Riley: “Fortunately, these will make good additions to my tin can collection.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, your tin can collection was stolen last week.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I know who did it, and after I finish these three pizzas, I’m gonna pay them a visit.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, the people who stole your tin can collection are the dragon mafia, some of the most powerful gangsters in Tallahassee.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I’m an unstoppable badass and those punk-ass bitch dragons don’t even know what’s coming for them.”

Evelyn: Uh… um… “Unfortunately, the pizza guy was an informant working for the dragon mafia, and now that they know who you are, they’ve assembled all of their top goons.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I run with the roughest crew in the universe, including the eight shamans of the five elements...”

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Soft music. Gentle evening seaside ambiance. Waves lick at the shore. Melancholy.

Sheldon: Remember when your mom and dad took you walking on the beach, right before the accident? That was a good day, huh? You felt so sad to leave, without even knowing that once you got into your friend’s car, that’d be the last time you ever saw them. And the one thing that anchored you to reality when you got the news, was the sand left in your shoe from earlier that very day.

At Sheldon’s Sandy Shoe Shop, we’re here to keep that bittersweet memory alive, because maybe if you can feel that sand between your toes, your parents might still be alive too. And isn’t that why you’re still here, at the end of the day? You go to sleep each night, hoping everything that came before was little more than a dream.

You hope someday you’ll be woken up by the rumbling engine of their car pulling into the driveway. You open the door and hug them, tears streaming down your face. They ask you why you’re so worked up, and tousle your hair. You smile and say, “Nothing. Just a bad dream. I’m so glad you’re home.” But it wasn’t a dream, the sands of time can only flow one way. And now, that same sand can be in your shoes too, so you’ll always have that gritty, irritating reminder of what you’ve lost.

But hey, what a beautiful day at the beach. Best enjoy it while it lasts.

SOUND: No more words. The beach ambiance and music slowly fade.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, the Demon Lord Yoguron’s force field is too powerful for the Sword of Five Elements to pierce.”

Riley: “Fortunately, there’s a sixth element that’s only unlocked by the other five elements coming together: the element of friendship!”

Evelyn: Awww that’s so touching! I mean, “Unfortunately, one of the eight shamans isn’t here because they’re still dealing with personal stuff.”

Riley: “Fortunately, they’ve grown as a person and are here in spirit.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, this means Yoguron is dead.”

Riley: Wait, wouldn’t that be fortunate?

Evelyn: I lost the thread of this plot three hours ago.

SOUND: Paper rustling.

Riley: Fortunately, I wrote the whole thing down.

Evelyn: Unfortunately, I think it’s time we moved on to a different exercise.

Riley: Fortunately, I’m game. What’s the deal?

Evelyn: “The Alphabet Game.” Basically, I’ll say a sentence that starts with the letter A, then you’ll start your sentence with B, and we’ll keep going until we go through the entire alphabet. Which is great because that means this game has a finite end!

Riley: Okay, you start.

Evelyn: “Afraid to tell you this, but your house is filled with puppies.”

Riley: “But my fridge is full! How will I store them all?”

Evelyn: Can’t say I like this direction.

Riley: Do you want to play the game or not?

Evelyn: Either you stop talking about eating puppies or I won’t play.

Riley: Fine!

Evelyn: Good.

Riley: How about a new game? This one is causing friction already.

Evelyn: I think you’re right. Sorry for lashing out there, Riles.

Riley: Just know I didn’t mean anything by it.

Evelyn: ‘Kay.

Riley: Let’s take another look at that Lafferson book.

SOUND: Pages flutter.

Evelyn: Most of these games require more than two people, which is weird considering the book was written by twins.

Riley: Not that weird, seeing as improv tends to attract people with, quote “lots of friends”, unquote.

Evelyn: Oh! I got one!

Riley: Please, tell our listeners all about it.

Evelyn: Questions only!

Riley: Right, sorry, can you tell our listeners about it?

Evelyn: So it’s a game where we act out a scene but we can only speak in questions.

Riley: This sounds way more fun than the alphabet game. There’s no way we could have kept that one up.

Evelyn: Understandable, it’s a pretty challenging game.

Riley: Very challenging.

SOUND: Xylophone music.

Evelyn: What’s that music?

Riley: Xylophone. Sorry, it’s my new ringtone. I’m getting so many spam callers lately.

SOUND: Beep. Music stops.

Evelyn: You really should start silencing your phone while we record.

Riley: Zip it. Let’s just get into this.

Evelyn: “Excuse me. Do you know the time?”

Riley: 5:58. Oh fuck, I mean “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Evelyn: “Why would I ask if I didn’t want to know?”

Riley: “Wouldn’t I like to find out?”

Evelyn: “Why don’t you ask me?”

Riley: “Why should I do that?”

Evelyn: “Didn’t you just say that you wanted to find out?”

Riley: “What makes you think that I would believe you’d even tell me?”

Evelyn: “What are we even talking about?”

Riley: “What branch of the government are you working for?”

Evelyn: “What?”

Riley: “You want to do this the hard way?”

Evelyn: “The hard way?”

Riley: “What size thumbscrews are least comfortable for you?”

Evelyn: “When did this game become so violent?”

Riley: “That’s a question I’ve been asking myself since Barcelona.”

Evelyn: Riley, that’s not a question.

Riley: “How do you know my name?”

Evelyn: “Do you mind breaking character for a second?”

Riley: Sure, Ev, what’s up?

Evelyn: You got really lost in the role.

Riley: I sure did. Isn’t improv comedy great? It’s so rare to find a new hobby I actually enjoy.

Evelyn: That wasn’t comedy! You were just reenacting the torture scene from that R-rated superhero movie we watched last week!

Riley: Reenacting? More like elevating. I’d like to think my acting was way better than Keith Manjaw’s.

Evelyn: The point of these games is to make ourselves and the listeners laugh. I’m starting to think we might not be doing the best we can.

Riley: Well, it’s not like the Lafferson’s are comedy gold anyway! [voice mimicry] “I’m drowning because my snorkel was pasta.” [normal voice] Shit. I just realized how funny that is.

Evelyn: It’s hilarious! We need to up our game.

Riley: Okay then, Hooper. You tell me what part of all this certified comedy platinum wasn’t up to your sophisticated comedic standards?

SOUND: Teddy comes downstairs.

Teddy: Hey, Riley! Hope I’m not interrupting your internet radio show. I just thought I heard some really funny jokes down here and wanted to say: Keep it up! You’re making your old man proud.

SOUND: Teddy exits. Beat.

Riley: Evelyn, we need to become a hundred times better at comedy right the fuck now.

Evelyn: I know, I know. It’s just so difficult when we’re only two people.

Riley: That never stopped the Lafferson’s! Maybe we need to start crossing outside the safe intersection of comedy and push the envelope, you know? Break boundaries, smash mailboxes, eat babies!

Evelyn: Weren’t you saying earlier that some lines shouldn’t be crossed?

Riley: If it means being funnier than whatever my dad thinks is funny, there’s no line that I won’t cross.

Evelyn: See, now that just feels like you’re using comedy as a cheap ploy to lash out at inconveniences in your immediate environment rather than taking a bigger picture look at--

Riley: Evelyn, stop joking around. I needs the funnies.

Evelyn: [panicked] Okay, Okay, Okay!

SOUND: Frantic page turns.

Evelyn: I’ve got it! This is our ticket to comedy mega-stardom!

Riley: Yes! YES!

Evelyn: [extreme reverence] Advanced Comedy Techniques from the Lafferson Goof Vault. For a thousand years, they’ve been guarded, and now, they’re finally revealed to us mere comedy mortals.

Riley: Jeez, the Lafferson family has been in the comedy business a long time.

Evelyn: Good comedy is timeless, Riley. My gosh, can you even imagine the power? We’ll be even funnier than Larry the Cable Guy. And perhaps even...dare I say it...Gallagher.

Riley: It’s divided into sections. This first one is, “Words That Are Always Funny.”

Evelyn: Feast your eyes on these bad boys. They’ve got “alfalfa”, “spleen”, and even... “nincompoop.” This is some heavy duty ordinance. We need to tread cautiously.

Riley: Bacon bacon monkey monkey!

Evelyn: A wooly cowpoke got bamboozled while spelunking!

Riley: That jumbo gumbo fell on Columbo!

Evelyn: Rutabaga watermelon garbage can.

Riley: [beat] Masticate.

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley chortle like Beavis and Butthead.

Riley: I can feel us getting funnier by the second! This episode will be downloaded by all the funniest people in the world!

Evelyn: [impression] Yeah, baby! Shagadelic!

Riley: What’s the next section!?

Evelyn: It’s just a mostly blank page that says “My wife” on it.

Riley: [impression] “My wife!”

Evelyn: [laughing uncontrollably] You just said “my wife.”

Riley: [louder] “My wife!”

Evelyn: ‘Cause it’s like, your wife! [laughing through tears] I wish I had a wife!

Riley: Then she’d be… “Your wife!”

SOUND: Evelyn wheeze-laughs. Riley turns the page.

Riley: “Catch-phrases that will kill an entire room” Why are the Lafferson’s selling this? I don’t normally care about the public good, but this shit is dangerous.

Evelyn: Hey, Riley? [New York Accent] “I’m walking here!”

SOUND: Riley cracks into uncontrollable laughter.

Riley: Oh no!

Evelyn: Here comes another one... “I’ll have what she’s having!”

Riley: [dying] Ev, stop, I’m gonna pee!

Evelyn: “No soup for you!”

SOUND: Riley screams and bites into the table.

Evelyn: Riley, you’re eating our table!

SOUND: Riley pulls away from the table.

Riley: Shit… [Urkel] “Did I do that?”

SOUND: Evelyn cackles.

Evelyn: [crazed] If I could breathe right now, I couldn’t breathe!

Riley: It’s like they’ve hacked into the DNA of comedy itself.

Evelyn: It’s got another section here on topics that are always funny to joke about.

Riley: Oh yeah? Stop holding out on me, Ev, what are they!?

Evelyn: Weird things your kids did. Weird things your dog did. Amusing sex anecdotes.

Riley: We’ll get in touch with Fred.

Evelyn: Amusing drug anecdotes.

Riley: We’ll get in touch with Tiffany, Shaz, and Flauros.

Evelyn: Raw depictions of personal struggles with mental health.

Riley: I’ll get in touch with myself.

Evelyn: Poop and/or farts.

Riley: Of course! The great equalizer!

Evelyn: Oh, they’ve got a final note here, too. "NOTE: Avoid discussing politics and real world issues whenever possible. Comedy isn't meant to make people think, it's meant to make people laugh. So shut up and keep laughing! - This Note Was Sponsored By The Executive Branch of the US Government."

Riley: We need to move to the next section. If we linger here too long, we might get too funny, too fast, and somehow destroy the world.

Evelyn: Is that a thing?

Riley: I don’t wanna find out. What’s next?

Evelyn: “Postmodern Comedy.” Wow, this is getting heady. Are we talking more Derrida or Foucault?

Riley: These just look like shitposts, to be honest. Like this one is just a black-and-white picture of Robert Downey Jr. and the caption says “I killed my wife.”

Evelyn: It says “My wife!”

SOUND: Riley high-pitch laughs and slaps their knee with incredible force.

Riley: Ow, I just slapped my knee out of alignment!

Evelyn: We’re at the last section now. We’re almost comedy geniuses, Riley!

Riley: Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Evelyn: “Pratfalls Not Pitfalls: Comedy Cliches To Avoid Like The Plague.”

Riley: What gives? We’ve crossed the line, and now we’re crossing back over?

Evelyn: I guess comedy can’t all be just raw chuckle-power. You need to know how to properly wield your newfound laugh strength. Like a Samurai sword.

Riley: All I heard was samurai sword, but I completely agree. Let’s ride this chuckle choo-choo back to sanity. [beat; murmuring] What the fuck am I saying? God, this is your brain on Lafferson...

Evelyn: “When you’re playing to a crowd, try not to rely on antagonizing the audience.”

Riley: Those ungrateful pricks? They’ll get what they’re given, and like it.

Evelyn: “Don’t overuse jokes about your wife.”

Riley: “My wife?”

Evelyn: “Also avoid running a catchphrase into the ground. It won’t be funny the twelfth time.”

Riley: [sadly] “My wife...”

Evelyn: I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t even know what half of those catchphrases were referencing, I just kind of got caught up in the moment.

Riley: The other half was lost on me. It just felt like a good way to get easy laughs, you know? This shit can be addictive - I get why so many comedians are emotionally damaged weirdos.

Evelyn: I think coming up with our own jokes is more rewarding in the long run.

Riley: Of all the times we could have benefitted from editing, this is one of them.

Evelyn: The next tip is “Don’t over-explain your jokes. ”

Riley: What do they mean by that?

Evelyn: They also say “Prop comedy is best left to the professionals, and there are none.”

Riley: We could be the first.

Evelyn: Should we?

Riley: I only said we could. Let’s not get crazy. Why are you so obsessed with prop comedy all of a sudden?

Evelyn: And moving on to “Never say ‘and moving on’.” [beat] Noted. “Lastly, remember that comedy is a collaboration between you, your improv partners, and the audience. So make sure that all of them and you are having a good time.”

Riley: Wow, this whole experience was honestly pretty damn fun. You’ve sold me, Evelyn. The world has one more improv enjoyer in it now. God help us all.

Evelyn: Heck yeah!

Riley: Are we still going to become comedy gods, though? Cause that sounded pretty sweet.

Evelyn: We’ll be something even better: Happy!

Riley: I can vibe with that. Want to do more improv exercises before we wrap this puppy in bacon and shove it down the hatch?

Evelyn: Riley! What did I say about puppies?

Riley: Sorry, sorry, old habits die hard.

Evelyn: But I am down for some more improv games. Maybe we should turn the recording off first, though. Not every joke’s worth broadcasting.

Riley: When has that ever stopped anyone?

Evelyn: And moving on…

[End]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Henry Galley and Gus Zagarella. With episode art by Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley and Chimera Lafferson, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Addison Peacock as Banshee Lafferson, Scott Thomas as Sheldon - Bazinga - and Matt Bradford as Teddy. With special thanks to Larry the Cable guy for all that he does for us.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Evelyn collects the soul of her beloved dog, Peppermint, from the afterlife. Riley, feeling jealous, tries to get a pet of their own.

+transcript

SOUND: Cheerful barking and panting.

Evelyn: Good puppy, good puppy!

SOUND: Dog barks again.

Evelyn: Hey listeners, so we’ve got maybe the most special guest of all time on today’s episode! Let me introduce you to Peppermint, the dog that Olivia and I had when we lived together!

SOUND: Peppermint pants.

Evelyn: Since I’m free to travel between afterlives now, I decided as a treat I’d go check out Dog Heaven. By the way- Don Bluth was right, they’re all there. Every single dog. Including, the best dog ever, isn’t that right? Hey? Hey? Bark if you’re the best dog ever!

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Good Peppermint! Riley’s gone to the store to pick up more cherry-flavored AA Batteries, so this is gonna be a big surprise for them. And before you say anything- it’s fine, Peppermint is totally incorporeal. Riley can’t do anything bad. That’s an official Evelyn Hooper guarantee! The one downside to Peppy’s ghostliness is that she can’t fetch the ball, but that’s okay, since we can still play her favourite game- wrestles!

SOUND: Peppermint growling and snorting playfully, dog collar jangling.

Evelyn: I’m gonna getcha! I’m gonna getcha! Who’s a big, tough girl? Is it you? It’s you!

SOUND: Door opens, shopping bag dropped to the floor.

Riley: What the fuck am I looking at here, Ev?

SOUND: Peppermint barking defensively.

Evelyn: It’s okay, down, girl! That’s just my best two-legged friend, Riley! They can be a little intimidating, but trust me, they’re friendly when you get to know them!

SOUND: Peppermint snorts.

Evelyn: Riley, I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine, Peppermint! Riley: See, people say I can’t go around eating their pets, but then start naming them after flavours! Where’s the logic here? I can’t win! Evelyn: You seem less impressed than I’d hoped. Riley: Why should I be impressed by a ghost dog? Evelyn: I got her a day pass from dog heaven so we could hang out! Riley: I imagine I have a lot of enemies in dog heaven. Evelyn: I was careful not to mention you by name. Riley: What’s so great about Peppermint? Evelyn: What’s so great about her? Look at her, Riley! Look at her! Peppermint, sit!

SOUND: Peppermint sitting.

Evelyn: Good dog! Now speak!

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Good Peppy girl! Now roll over!

SOUND: Dog tag jangling.

Evelyn: Good girl, good girl, Peppermint! Oh, you’re so smart! Yes, yes you are! Riley: Big deal, I can do all that shit, and nobody ever gave me a participation trophy. Evelyn: You have higher brain functions, Riles! Riley: Ha! So you admit I’m smarter than a dog. Evelyn: I live in hope that you are. Riley: Why do you need this dumb dog, when you have me! I’m smart, I can talk, I’m housebroken, I can eat things and then assume their forms. I could be any animal, if you give me enough time and a skeleton key to the local zoo. Evelyn: I know, but Peppermint is my dog. Riley: So? Evelyn: She’s….my dog. Riley: Yeah, exactly, she’s a dog. Evelyn: My dog! She’s like a member of my family.

[ Beat ]

Riley: Oh, right, that’s a good thing for some people. Yeah, okay, I get it. Evelyn: Riley, are you jealous of Peppermint? Riley: What? Of course not. Jealousy is beneath me. Evelyn: It’s okay, Riles, I won’t let you be a third wheel. You can play with Peppermint too! Riley: Dogs don’t like me. Evelyn: Peppermint’s a ghost, it’s fine. Let her sniff your hand. Riley: Alright…

SOUND: Peppermint sniffs.

Riley: I can’t read dog body language. What’s she thinking, Evelyn?

Evelyn: She likes you!

Riley: You’re just saying that to make me feel better, I bet she doesn’t actually.

Evelyn: Riley, she’s a dog. She can’t lie.

Riley: Dogs can absolutely lie. They can be assholes, too. Haven’t you ever seen those class traitors from Paw Patrol?

Evelyn: That’s a cartoon, for babies.

Riley: There’s elements of truth to every cartoon, Ev. It’s how they indoctrinate the youth.

Evelyn: Look, why don’t you try playing with Peppermint for a minute, let her get used to you.

Riley: [sighs] Urrgh, fine. Umm, hey Peppermint, catch.

SOUND: Riley throws a ball. It phases through Peppermint, who whines in disappointment.

Evelyn: What did you think she was gonna catch that with?

Riley: Well, I got nothing.

Evelyn: I’m sure we’ll find a way you can interact with Peppermint. Because she wants to play with you, I’m sure she does. Hey? Hey, Peps? You wanna play with Riley, right?

SOUND: Peppermint pants.

Evelyn: You’re so friendly! You’re so friendly, arentcha, girl? Who’s a friendly puppy?

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Who’s a friendly puppy ? Is it you? Is it Peppermint?

SOUND: Evelyn devolves into unintelligible baby talk. Peppermint pants happily and her tag jingles as Evelyn pets her.

Riley: Those weren’t words, Ev.

Evelyn: [demon voice] It’s been seventeen years since I’ve gotten to pet a dog, let me have this!

Riley: Okay, okay! Jeez. Bite my fucking head off, why don’t you.

SOUND: Peppermint whines.

Evelyn: It’s okay, girl, I’m not mad at you! I love my lil’ Peppy-Beppy!

Riley: I’m sick of this! If Evelyn’s gonna ignore me to fawn over some stupid animal, I’ll just….I’ll get my own pet! See how she likes it.

Evelyn: Did you say something, Riley?

Riley: Enough of this! I’m leaving.

SOUND: Riley storms up the stairs and out the door.

-- [ WEIRD AD TIME ] SOUND: Cheerful music.

Sam: Are you overwhelmed by flavor? Do you think boiling is the superior cooking method? Do you like breakfasts that make you think ‘Oh, what the heck, nobody lives forever’?

Hello, America! I’m Sam Sarnie, co-founder of Sam and Ella’s Original British Supermarket - Bringing you all the taste, or lack thereof, of England! We’ve got all your favorites from across, and sometimes even in, the pond!

Like spotted dick, mucky drippings, rumbledethumps, boiled shoe, racism, coal, sparkling drippings, toad in the hole, the palest blancmange you’ve ever seen, neeps, teabags on toast, tatties, a yorkshire pudding who’s just asking questions about the validity of nonbinary genders, limescale, Dr Who, Cheddar and VAT, BREXIT, percy pig crackling, drippings classic, and premium Chip Butties - Now with more Butts!

So come on down to Sam and Ella’s Original British Supermarket, now opening its first American location, in memory of dear Ella, who died of food poisoning. I miss you, my love. And you won’t want to miss these incredible deals! Sam and Ella’s Original British Supermarket: We’re open!

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

--

SOUND: Evelyn is still playing with an excited Peppermint. A door slams in the distance and Riley descends into the basement. Thud as Riley drops an iguana.

Riley: Here, look upon this wretched thing!

Evelyn: Riley, is that an iguana?

SOUND: The iguana hisses, Peppermint growls.

Riley: This is Morton, the Sovereign of The Moon. I found him hibernating in the bushes and claimed him as my own. I took him to the pet store and got him all the required accoutrements. We’ve fucking bonded or whatever. Bet your dumb dog is feeling pretty dumb now, huh?

Evelyn: Riley, are you just trying to make my dog jealous?

Riley: Depends, is it working?

Evelyn: No, Riley, she’s a dog. She’s just watched you walk down the stairs, drop a two foot lizard on the desk and say a bunch of things that she has no context for.

Riley: She’s jealous, I can sense it. I bet you’re jealous too.

Evelyn: Why would I be jealous?

Riley: Because I have a bitchin’ pet iguana and you don’t. I’m probably even a better pet owner than you.

Evelyn: You’re eating the iguana right now.

Riley: [mouth full] AND WHAT OF IT?

SOUND: Riley gulps.

Riley: Iguanas are invasive anyway, the government would thank me. Not that I want their approval. [Burps]

Evelyn: That was your pet, Riley.

[Beat]

Riley: Oh, fuck, Morton! What am I gonna do with all his accoutrements?

Evelyn: Well...anyway...While you were out, I wanted to see if I could still get Peppermint to do all the tricks that Olivia and I taught her. And guess what? She can! Watch this! Peppermint!

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Peppy, let’s sing a song for Riley! [encouraging] Awoo! Awooo!

SOUND: Peppermint howls for an extremely long time.

Evelyn: Good girl, Peppy! Thank you! Riley, thank her.

Riley: [emotionless] Thank you for that terrible song, Peppermint.

Evelyn: Do you wanna see if you can get her to do any tricks? She can sit, beg, speak, sing, roll over, shake hands…

Riley: Can she subscribe to patreon, or is freeloading one of her tricks, too?

Evelyn: Riley, stop being such a grump. Ask Peppermint to do something.

Riley: Alright, fine. Uh...Peppermint....sit.

SOUND: Dog collar jingling.

Riley: Riveting. Now, stay there and stop hogging all the air time!

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: I’m sorry, Evelyn, but I will not take being usurped in my own home! I’m going off to find another pet. Then you’ll be sorry!

Evelyn: Fine, don’t eat this one.

Riley: You don’t know me!

Evelyn: Yes I do!

SOUND: Riley leaves. Peppermint whines.

Evelyn: Aw, it’s okay, girl. Riley just doesn’t like new things. They’ll get used to you.

SOUND: Peppermint barks. Riley returns.

Riley: I present you with my next pet!

SOUND: Cat yowling. It’s gurgling and guttural. Pack a day smoker cat voice.

Evelyn: I swear to gosh, Riley, if you eat that cat I will possess you and force you to throw it back up.

Riley: I just ate a whole iguana, Evelyn, I think I’m good until dinner. Anyway, me and this cat are bonding. Look.

SOUND: The cat babbles angrily and scratches Riley. Riley hisses in pain.

Evelyn: [sarcastic] Wow. You’re so bonded. What’s its name?

Riley: Well, according to the tag, it’s Fugly. But that’s a stupid name. I think her new name is gonna be….Morton 2, Heir to the Moon.

Evelyn: She has a tag?

Riley: Yes.

Evelyn: That’s someone else’s cat! You just stole someone else’s cat!

Riley: It’s civil asset forfeiture!

Evelyn: That’s absolutely not what that means! What if the owner comes looking for it?

Riley: Cats go missing all the time, I should know.

Evelyn: I love you, Riley, but sometimes, you make it hard. Maybe try petting her.

SOUND: Riley pets. Fugly’s babbling turns to purring. It sounds like a lawn mower on fire.

Evelyn: Well, at least she looks kinda happy for now….

Riley: That’s because we’re bonded, Evelyn! I can practically read her thoughts.

[beat]

Riley: She wants Peppermint to leave.

Evelyn: Stop putting mean words in the cat’s mouth! Peppermint is great with cats, one of her best friends was a tabby.

Riley: Well, not this one. A dog killed her mom for drug money when she was just a kitten. Ever since then, she’s harbored a deadly grudge...

Evelyn: Riley!

SOUND: Fugly begins to softly yowl.

Riley: [yelling] Stop yelling, Evelyn! You’re gonna scare the cat! Oh, fuck-

SOUND: Fugly begins to slice and dice Riley to ribbons. Screeching and hissing. She is extremely upset. Riley is genuinely frightened.

Riley: Shit, shit, I’m being betrayed! Ouch!

SOUND: Fugly runs off. The jingle of her bell collar fades.

Riley: Now you’re just leaving!? I thought what we had was special! [beat] I’m never being kind to a cat again. It’s not worth it.

Evelyn: That’s what you get when you kidnap poor innocent animals, Riles.

Riley: We wouldn’t even be in this situation if it wasn’t for Peppermint! This is all her fault!

Evelyn: What!? Come on, Riley, can you just let it go? Don’t be jealous of Peppermint, she’s a dog! She’ll never replace you in my heart, even though she is the most special dog in the whole wide world!

SOUND: Peppermint pants and rolls over.

Evelyn: Aww, does someone want a tummy rub? Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl?

SOUND: Evelyn scratches Peppermint’s belly.

Evelyn: Look at her leg twitching, isn’t she just the best?

Riley: The cuteness has no power over me. She’s on thin fucking ice, Ev.

Evelyn: So, what, you’re gonna go get another pet?

Riley: [defensive] N-no! Shut up, that’s not even what my plan is !

Evelyn: Riley, I can see you walking up the stairs to leave.

Riley: [distantly] No, I’m going to...return some videotapes.

Evelyn: Oh, fair en- wait. I thought VHS tapes were obsolete now.

Riley: [super quick] Sorry Ev, can’t hear you, bye!

SOUND: Door slamming.

Evelyn: They’re going to get another pet. I’ll pause the recording.

SOUND: Stop, Start. Riley returns.

Riley: Get ready to get shitted on, Hooper. I found an absolutely foolproof pet. I went to the local petsmart, and I asked them for the least edible pet they had. And the guy there gave me this. I present to you, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift.

SOUND: Eldritch noises. Audio glitching.

Evelyn: That’s great, but, uh….what is it?

Riley: I dunno, it’s like….you know, it’s a thing.

Evelyn: A thing?

Riley: Yeah. You know. It’s one of those….things.

Evelyn: Alright, I guess. So, uh...do you wanna see if Morton and Peppermint get along?

Riley: I mean, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift is my pet, but sure.

SOUND: Eldritch noises. Peppermint growls and barks.

Evelyn: They don’t seem to like each other.

Riley: Fine. You play with your pet, and I’ll play with mine. C’mere, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift. Let’s talk to the listeners about the immutable power of the Deep State-

SOUND: The audio gets extremely garbled and unintelligible as Morton approaches the mic.

SOUND: The episode cuts back in.

Evelyn: I’m so glad you returned that pet to the store, Riles.

Riley: Yeah, me too. I didn’t realise how badly it was gonna break reality around it.

Evelyn: Plus, it really didn’t get along with Peppermint.

Riley: [deadpan] What a tragedy.

Evelyn: Oh, come on, Riley. Give her a chance. She’s a good dog, and she’ll be your friend if you let her!

SOUND: Calculator, shuffling papers, Peppermint woofs happily.

Evelyn: See, Riley? She loves you, she’s filing your taxes!

Riley: I’m so sick of this fucking dog! [mocking] Oh, the dog’s singing a song! Oh, she’s doing your taxes! Oh, she’s unified Korea and brokered peace in the middle east! [normal] Gimme a break!

Evelyn: Riley, you’re blowing this way out of proportion.

Riley: No I’m not! You’re my best friend, god damn it, and by being my best friend you’ve implicitly agreed to not have any other friends! Exclusivity! That’s how it works in this capitalist hellhole we call society!

Evelyn: Even if that were true-

Riley: And it is!

Evelyn: No. Even if that were true, I cannot stress this enough, Peppermint is my dog. I love her, but the nature of our relationship is fundamentally different. Yes, I can wrestle with Peppermint, and I can rub her belly and scratch her lil’ puppy chin, but I can’t discuss Professor Huh fan theories, or argue about music, or play board games, or host my podcast with her! You can have more than one friend, Riley! In fact, I strongly encourage you to try it.

Riley: Sorry, were you saying something? I was waiting for Ars Socia to boot up so I could get a dog of my own. [typing] I am looking for…Hell...hounds…aaand summon.

SOUND: Ars Socia app sound and then summoning noise.

Glasya-Labolas: It is I, Glasya-Labolas, Terror of the Free Peoples. I return to your mortal coil. This building isn't within fifty feet of a school, is it? There are certain court orders pertaining to my location...

Evelyn: No, no! Bad puppy, bad puppy, Riley why?

Riley: Dogs is dogs, Ev.

Evelyn: But Glasya-Labolas is the worst boy.

Glasya-Labolas: Oh, I’m a bad boy.

Riley & Evelyn: Shut up.

Riley: Alright, listen up, Sticky-Wings. Your new name is Morton Episode 4: A New Hope.

Glasya-Labolas: Oh, discipline. I find this acceptable.

SOUND: Peppermint growls and barks.

Glasya-Labolas: Ah yes, I see you have brought me a new concubine for my harem as an offering. Our passion will be legendary.

Evelyn: Out!

Glasya-Labolas: Nobody ever lets me have fun anymore. Do not summon me again.

SOUND: He disappears.

Riley: He blocked me.

Evelyn: Thank frick. Well, now that you’ve failed at all your attempts to make me jealous of your pets, do you think you can finally-

SOUND: An ad starts playing on Ars Socia. Chipper guitar music.

Todd: [in the ad] Hey everybody! It’s your old pal, Todd - Developer of this very app! Nobody else is buying ad space on here, so I’m doing it myself!

SOUND: Peppermint growls defensively.

Evelyn: Ugh, it’s a Todd ad. Skip it.

Riley: It’s unskippable.

Todd: Do you want a pet, without the guilt of becoming attached before it dies? Then ToddDogs are the animal-adjacent solution for you!

Riley: Hey, wait a minute-

Evelyn: Riley, no.

Riley: Look, Evelyn, a broken clock is right twice a day. Maybe these Todd Dogs are the perfect solution to my problem!

Todd: [in the ad] You’re right, it is! That’s the beauty of targeted advertising.

SOUND: Riley yelps and throws their phone.

Todd: [through phone] Thank you for purchasing your very own ToddDog Version1.4. It’s under your bed, right now. Waiting.

Riley: I’m already beginning to sense this was a mistake.

Evelyn: Check under the bed.

SOUND: Heavy breathing under the bed. Riley pulls the Todd Dog out. Peppermint barks defensively. Evelyn “Eeps!” in horror.

Riley: Alright, everyone...say hi to Morton 5, I fuckin’ guess. Say hi to the listeners, Morton. ToddDog: [wheezing] Kill me….please….

SOUND: Peppermint whimpers.

Evelyn: Yeah, I hate it too, Peppermint.

Riley: Stop judging Morton 5, he’s valid!

SOUND: Riley’s phone buzzes.

Riley: That must be the ToddDog receipt or something. Hold on.

SOUND: Riley looks at their phone.

Riley: Wow, these things come with a user manual. It’s 400 pages long. [reading] “ToddDogs are a great pet-style item for the whole family, but please keep a few important things in mind when taking care of it. Avoid rough play with your ToddDog, as it may break. It won’t actually die, but it will break. Do not get your ToddDog wet. Exposing your ToddDog to temperatures lower than 60 degrees will cause it to go into shock. Do not take your ToddDog to a vet, they can only be treated at the ToddStore by registered ToddDog Todd-nicians.”

Evelyn: They’re way more high maintenance than they sounded in the ad.

Riley: I’ll say! So much can break them or get them sick, but apparently they can’t actually die. [to the ToddDog] Sorry, Morton, ol’ bud dy. ToddDog: [wheeze] My suffering continues.

Evelyn: It looks so...sad.

Riley: Nah, he’s just cold. Let me put him under the first Morton’s heat lamp.

SOUND: Heat lamp flicking on. Melting noises. The ToddDog squeals.

Evelyn: Riley, your ToddDog is melting.

ToddDog: [rasping] I was never meant to live. I am an affront to all that is good and pure.

Riley: Okay, let’s switch off the heat lamp, the fumes are starting to make me feel woozy.

SOUND: Heat lamp switches off. Riley sighs. ToddDog pants.

Riley: You know what? I give up. You and Peppermint win, Ev.

SOUND: Riley slumps down on the bed. Peppermint makes a gentle ruff noise.

Riley: What? Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t you know we’re enemies?

SOUND: Peppermint ruffs again.

Riley: [warming to Peppermint] That thing you’re doing with your eyes, stop that!

SOUND: Peppermint approaches, panting.

Riley: No! Away with you! I didn’t sign up for this.

SOUND: Peppermint lays down.

Evelyn: She’s just laying next to you, Riles. See? I told you she likes you.

SOUND: Peppermint makes affectionate noises.

Riley: God damn it, you weren’t supposed to infiltrate my heart like this. That space is reserved for blood and Kevin Jonas.

SOUND: More cute Peppermint noises.

Riley: [quietly] You are actually kinda cute, I guess. Maybe I was a little harsh on you earlier.

Evelyn: Awww, did somebody make a friend?

Riley: Hey, hey, let’s not go that far. Let’s say...Four-legged associate.

Evelyn: I’ll take that as a win. Don’t you see how much more fun it is when we’re all just having a good time together? We don’t need to compete for affection.

Riley: I guess you’re right. I still feel a little left out by the fact I can’t physically interact with her, though.

Evelyn: Ehhh...Given how Morton one through five went, that’s probably best.

Riley: Hey, I- Actually, no, that’s fair. [Beat] I’m sorry for being all weird and possessive earlier. I don’t want to be, it’s just, Y’know...I’m not used to this. I’ve never really had a friend before, I’m still figuring it all out. It should really come with, like a handbook or something. Like Morton 5.

ToddDog: Death... would be a blessing, and my life is a sin.

Evelyn: It’s okay, Riles. You’ll get there. And for what it’s worth, I think you have a lot more friends and people who care about you than you realise.

SOUND: Peppermint barks and pants happily again.

Riley: You’re not so bad, dog.

Evelyn: You can call her Peppy.

Riley: We’re not quite there yet.

Evelyn: Fair enough. Baby steps.

SOUND: Peppermint barks again.

Evelyn: Good Girl!

Riley: Yeah...Good Girl.

[THE END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Meg Molloy Tuten, Shaun Kingham, and Henry Galley, with additional material by Alex Whitington. With episode art by E.J. Smith and Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Rob O’Dwyer as Glasya-Labolas, Chad Ellis as Todd, Scott Thomas as the ToddDog, and Henry Galley as Sam Sarnie.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Riley and Evelyn host a Less Is Morgue Halloween Extravaganza! What could possibly go wrong?

+transcript

SOUND: Tinny, spooky music playing diegetically. There are different miscellaneous Halloween noises, from screams to distressed cats.

Evelyn: Hellooooo everyone! It’s Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most, bringing you a very scaaary Halloween episode of Less Is Morgue! But, before we get started, I think it’s really important to give a content warning before I play some of the really spooky sound effects on this soundboard I bought from Target! So first, be warned, this one is a spooky laugh.

SOUND: Evelyn clicks the button. A tinny spooky laugh.

Evelyn: Ooooh, who do you think laughs like that? Maybe a scary person! But I don’t like to judge from first impressions, the guy can’t help how he laughs! He’s just having a good time - but maybe a time so good it’s scary! Anyway, second warning, here’s some rattling chains!

SOUND: Evelyn presses the button. Tinny chain rattles.

Evelyn: Maybe it’s a spooky prisoner! But don’t get too scared though, it might just be a dog! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Riley: Y’know, Evelyn, just playing sounds while we’re talking is the fast-track to automation. If Big Podcast had their way, they’d replace us all with those soundboards!

Evelyn: Don’t be such a sourpuss, Riley, it’s just for Halloween fun! There’s still three hundred sounds I need to warn the listeners about!

Riley: Three hundred? Bullshit. There aren’t that many scary things.

Evelyn: They’re pretty specific, the next one is a raven that knows your name.

Riley: My name? Right...

Evelyn: No, seriously, listen!

SOUND: Tinny Raven’s voice says “I know your name, Thomas.”

Evelyn: Wait, wrong button.

SOUND: Tinny Raven voice says “I know your name, Ryan.”

Evelyn: Okay, I stand corrected. It doesn’t know your name.

Riley: Overlooked again, like all true geniuses.

SOUND: Less Is Morgue intro.

Riley: Let’s get this back on track. By which I mean, play the track.

SOUND: Click. Evelyn plays adorable Halloweeny music.

Riley: No, Evelyn, scarier!

SOUND: Click. Tinny spooky music begins again.

Riley: Perfect. [serious] On Halloween night, the veil between our world and the great beyond is thinner than one-ply toilet paper. Therefore, all kinds of weird, scary shit can happen. Like [sighs] Evelyn having a mostly physical body again for the evening.

Evelyn: I’ve been hitting all these buttons with my fingers! My real fingers! And if I’m feeling spicy, I can even use my whole arm to press a bunch at once.

Riley: You can, but should you?

SOUND: A cacophony of spooky sound effects, including another raven voice saying “I know your name, Philomena.”

Evelyn: Sorry Riles, I couldn’t hear you over all those sounds.

Riley: [groans] As always, in the brief periods of time where Evelyn is given the poisoned gift of physicality, she’s trying to, quote, “Make up for lost time”, unquote. However, this time, she’s not exactly resurrected, more like rocking a semi-corporeal ectoplasmic husk, like Slimer from GhostBusters.

SOUND: Shuffling, wrappers.

Evelyn: I’m going to eat ALL the candy!

Riley: Earlier, she was going to carve “All the pumpkins”, and now it looks like someone murdered the Lorax in here. Also, she’s got a pile of candy amassed in the corner that I can only describe as “threatening.” We’re about to discover if ghosts can experience nausea.

Evelyn: I’ve got sixteen years of Halloween to catch up on, and I’m taking all of you with me!

Riley: Spoken like a peppy suicide bomber.

Evelyn: --On my spooky, fun Halloween express! Soundboard, go!

SOUND: The soundboard says, “Toot toot, all aboard...THE GHOST TRAIN!”

Riley: Halloween isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be shit-pantsingly scary.

Evelyn: Don’t you mean pant-s-wordingly scary?

Riley: Grammar has no place on Halloween. No earthly law does. It’s the one night of the year where it’s socially acceptable - nay, socially mandatory! - to frighten people. Any other day of the year, it just gets you banned from Quiznos.

Evelyn: So that’s why Quiznos is closed...

Riley: Look at our costumes, for one. I’ve gone for something that would strike fear into the very bones of any intelligent, free-thinking individual.

Evelyn: I thought you were going as one of the Blues Brothers.

Riley: No, Evelyn! I’m a G-man! A man in black! A heartless, soulless government stooge! Dressed like this, I could blend in among them, and destroy them from within...Wait, what were we talking about?

Evelyn: And I’m dressed as--

Riley: A corporate character designed to shift the blame of climate change onto the individual?

Evelyn: --Sally Sprout, my favorite underrated Middle-Aged Tree Men character! The rest of the fandom always thought she was shoehorned in, but she always resonated with me.

Riley: I imagine the Middle-Age Tree Man marketing team was devastated to learn of your passing.

Evelyn: Honestly, if we were all a little more like Sally Sprout - focused, dedicated, selfless - we’d be-- Oooh, sour skittles!

SOUND: Evelyn fishes out some sour skittles.

Evelyn: [mouth full] They don’t make them as sour as they used to, but a skittle’s a skittles.

Riley: I think it’s more that you don’t have an actual body right now, just ghost-goo in the shape of a body. Your tongue and hair are effectively the same material.

Evelyn: Or maybe...I just need to eat more to get the effect!

SOUND: Evelyn guzzles more skittles.

Evelyn: I think I’m starting to feel a tingle!

Riley: You may wanna go easy on those, isn’t that like your tenth bag? Maybe leave some room for the Hersheys, Baby Ruths, Reese’s Pieces, Twizzlers, marshmallow fluff...

Evelyn: [manic laugh] What’s it gonna do, kill me? Too late! Skittle time!

SOUND: Unpleasant skittle-eating noises.

Evelyn: I’M CHASING THE RAINBOW! NO CANDY IS SAFE!

Riley: I think you’re about to be the first ghost to experience a psycho-somatic sugar high. Or the first to shit her leotard. One of the two.

Evelyn: Let’s go trick or treating and expand the candy horde! Evelyn needs more good-good!

Riley: Finally, we agree on something! While you’ve been gorging your ectoplasm on skittles, I’ve been saving myself...

Evelyn: You’ve eaten ten fun-sized snickers.

Riley: A mere palate cleanser, Evelyn. [Riley burps] Human and ghoul traditions play out differently on Halloween. While you’re going door to door, begging for candy, we’re lurking in the bushes, waiting for you.

Evelyn: But Riley, you can’t eat people on Halloween, that ruins the fun for everyone who isn’t a ghoul!

Riley: Au contraire! If you’re one of the survivors, the knowledge you didn’t get chomped makes the candy taste even sweeter!

Evelyn: I think that’s just survivor’s guilt.

Riley: Tasty survivor’s guilt. Besides, if it was someone you knew, you can have their surplus candy too. [beat] Unless the ghoul ate it. Really depends on the size of your friend.

Evelyn: On second though t, we’re staying in the basement tonight, where Riley can’t leave my general line of sight. I think it’ll be safer and more fun -- just like Sally Sprout always says “It’s fun to be safe!”

Riley: I’m beginning to see why everyone hated her.

Evelyn: A lot of fans thought she was introduced to be a potential romantic partner to Redwood, but I headcanoned both of them as gay.

Riley: Point is, Halloween is a night of pure terror. Whether it’s watching horror movies so scary that they invert your asshole, or dealing with streets filled with vicious, rampaging heathens! It’s an anything goes, trick-or-be-tricked, battle royale where the only real treat is survival, or getting to enjoy the thrill of a fresh kill.

Evelyn: With pumpkins!

Riley: Yes, there are sometimes pumpkins.

Evelyn: I think you just need to chill and enjoy yourself, Riley. You may have experienced Halloween before, but you’ve never experienced Halloween Evelyn-style! Trust me, nothing actually scary happens on October 31st!

SOUND: Click. Werewolf howl. However, it’s suddenly cut off by a serious newsreader.

News Reader: We interrupt this spooky sound effect to deliver an important news bulletin - Something actually scary is happening for the first time on October 31st.

Riley: I feel confused, yet vindicated.

Evelyn: Shhhh, listen!

News Reader: The supermax afterlife Tartarus 6 has experienced a major breach. A number of dangerous criminals from across the multiverse are now on the loose. Those who are unable to evacuate the mortal realm, please remain in your homes, to give yourself a comforting false sense of security. Statistically, it may not be your house. [breaks into dramatic evil laugh] More at eleven.

Riley: Which one is eleven?

Evelyn: The spooky witch cackle. Let me see…

SOUND: Spooky witch laugh. Cut off by the newsreader.

News Reader: We interrupt this witch cackle to tell you it actually was your house! Look behind you, you doomed fools!

SOUND: Ominous vapors and dimensional warping.

Baron of Perishing: The night is young, and aching to be ours. We have come to sire the end of your world! Nay, of every world and everything! Tremble, primitive children of the cosmos, consign yourselves to madness as you fathom the unfathomable, gaze upon the ungazeable, and taste the umami of your reckoning. We are from beneath the beyond, to the left of the infinite, across the street from pure chaos! Hold your breath and breathe us in, for as previously established, this night is ours!

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn scream a prolonged horror scream.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Steady footsteps up to an old wooden doorway. The door creaks open for an uncomfortably long time. Then a bat screeches and flaps.

Spooky Sal: You might think you’re in an ancient, scary castle, but no, you’re probably at home, listening to me in my home studio in Sarasota. Salutations! My name is Spooky Sal, but you can call me SpoOOoky Sal of Spooky Sal’s Sarasota Scary Sound Store! We’re the leading providers of sinister synthesized stock soundscapes, and if the haunted castle didn’t do it for you, worry not! We can provide many more options for the discerning customer: Like an Arby’s full of wolves!

SOUND: Deep fat fryers and wolf noises.

Waiter: You actually gonna order anything or just chew on my legs?

SOUND: Back to Spooky Sal.

Spooky Sal: Or an IRS Agent with a chainsaw!

SOUND: Chainsaw noises.

IRS Agent: We’ve noticed some irregularities!

SOUND: Back to Spooky Sal. As the scene progresses, the goofy elements drop away, leading to a quieter and more dread-inducing tone.

Spooky Sal: And of course, we have our premium range, full of more “true to life” fears. Like hearing a phone ringing in the middle of the night, wondering if that bang you just heard was an engine backfiring or a gunshot, or hearing something snap underneath you as you walk across an old bridge over running waters. Or, the scariest sound of all: Silence. [getting quieter] When all you can really hear is your own breathing...Or at least, you hope it’s yours.

SOUND: Silence, for a few seconds. Then a window smashes quietly in the distance.

Spooky Sal: [concerned] Did you hear that? Was that on my end, or yours? It must have been me, right? Couldn’t be… Listen closely. Do you hear that? Are those...footsteps? Quiet at first, but getting louder, little by little. Wait...What’s that scraping noise? It sounds like metal - old, rusty metal - scraping against wood or brickwork. No! Don’t turn, don’t look. It’s just a sound, isn’t it? Don’t look. If you look, you make it real. But it’s hard to ignore, isn’t it? It’s getting louder, getting closer. Keep breathing. Do you think it can hear you breathing? What is it? [panicked] Don’t turn around! Whatever you do, don’t turn around. You don’t want to see its face. Something terrible will happen if you see its face. Close your eyes. Close them tight, and keep them closed. Maybe it won’t notice you. Maybe it’s like all those times you were young and afraid, and you hid underneath the covers because, on some level, you knew it might protect you. Do you feel safe now? Do you feel protected?

SOUND: Spooky Sal stops talking. Just the sound of footsteps and scraping getting closer. There’s quiet breathing now, but it isn’t you. It’s right behind you. A few seconds of quiet, only that subtle breathing.

IT: [right next to your ear] Turn around...

[WEIRD AD TIME OVER]

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn continue their scream until both run out of breath and stop.

Baron of Perishing: I could get used to the screams of mortals. Admittedly, that was a bit much. Of course, I wouldn’t expect any less from those beholding me: The Baron of Perishing.

Riley: [terrified] What the fuck is that thing behind you?

Evelyn: Look out, Baron of Perception, he’s sneaking up on you! [wince of pain] Oh gosh, so that’s what a sugar headache feels like…

Baron of Perishing: Pay no attention to him! He’s merely my silent ward.

Evaporo: Trick-or-treat, mortals? Ha! I’ve already chosen for you - it’s TRICK! But it will be such a treat for me, the mighty Evaporo! The Evaporator of Worlds!

Baron of Perishing: I said SILENT! You’re supposed to let me do the talking; my voice has the necessary gravitas for this kind of intimidation.

Riley: No offense, man. But you’re basically a white guy in a button-up, and those are only threatening in herds.

Evelyn: The tentacle on his forehead is a little grody, but not scary.

Baron of Perishing: Haha! This is merely a form your feeble minds can comprehend!

Riley: Oh yeah? How come the other guy is an optical illusion?

Evelyn: He’s like a cataract that ate all the other ones!

Riley: He’s like a gaping sore in the fabric of accepted reality!

Evelyn: He’s like two Rorschach tests making a baby on black paper!

Evaporo: He’s like the guy who’s going to evaporate you and all you hold dear! Starting with that pile of candy!

SOUND: Evaporo evaporates all the candy.

Evelyn: No! My skittles! The rainbow is dead! [weeps]

Evaporo: And there’s more where that came from! And less where this came from! Goodbye, swivel chair! Hello, evaporated swivel chair!

SOUND: Evaporo evaporates Riley’s swivel chair.

Riley: Hey, my chair! It supported me more than my parents! You’ll pay for that!

Baron of Perishing: We pay for nothing, for everything is ours! Those fools on Tartarus 6 thought they could-

Riley: Dude, shut up, we’re trying to deal with Evaporo right now. We’ll take care of you later.

Evelyn: Pull up a chair. Oh wait.

Baron of Perishing: Stand down, Evaporo. I think these mortals understand what your deal is. Maybe they need to be reminded who I am.

Riley: You said you were the Baron of Punishment?

Evelyn: No, Riley. He said he was the Baron of Pestilence.

Baron of Perishing: I am the Baron of Perishing! And I hail from a faraway place with a strange-soundin g name!

Riley: Oh yeah, what’s it called?

Baron of Perishing: Your language doesn’t have enough apostrophes to pronounce the name of my former home. But it rhymes with [unusual noise].

Riley: It was your parent’s place, huh? No judgement here. I know how that is.

Baron of Perishing: My parents are suffering and subjugation!

Evaporo: Which rhymes with evaporation! [evil cackle]

Baron of Perishing: Seriously, stop! We all get it, Evaporo. You’re laboring the point.

Evelyn: Why are you two here? Halloween is supposed to be fun! This is really scary!

Riley: Told you so.

Evelyn: Not now! I’m too full of candy to concentrate. Soundboard, give me the good vibes!

SOUND: Click. Raven says, “I know your name, Evaporo!”

Evaporo: Then you should know to fear it!

SOUND: Evaporo evaporates the soundboard.

Evelyn: The soundboard! No! Halloween is ruined!

Riley: Oh come on! It had Evaporo, but not Riley? It’s not that uncommon!

Evelyn: I can’t take this anymore. I’ll phase through the wall and fetch help!

Riley: Evelyn, wait!

SOUND: Frantic running. Whack! Evelyn hits the wall and falls over.

Riley: ...You’re semi-corporeal.

Evelyn: [hurt nose] Why didn’t you grab me?

Riley: What was I meant to grab? You’re wearing a leotard!

Baron of Perishing: [ahem] You asked why we were here. If you’re quite done, we’d like to explain.

Riley: Of course. Forgive us for making your home invasion awkward.

Baron of Perishing: We saw an opportunity to escape from our ultradimensional cell on the supermax afterlife, an opportunity that only comes once a year on your dimension’s October 31st.

Evelyn: Why didn’t you escape last year?

Baron of Perishing: My methods need not be scrutinized by you mere mortals! All you need to know is… the stars have finally aligned in my favor and I…

Evaporo: And I was transferred to his cell last week, so I helped him escape by evaporating the guards.

Baron of Perishing: [clearly annoyed] Yes, which was all according to my brilliant plan!

Riley: Well, we knew that part. But why our house? The man on the radio said it was statistically unlikely.

Baron of Perishing: Not when this basement is registered as an afterlife. The walls between dimensions are especially thin down here.

Evaporo: Which makes them so much easier to evaporate!

Baron of Perishing: Especially when I order you to do it. [nervous laugh]

Evelyn: Well, you picked the wrong basement! This is Less is Morgue! We’ve tangled with way worse than you! Maybe not him though.

Riley: Yeah, Evaporo is terrifying.

Evaporo: Soon your fear itself will evaporate, along with the rest of you!

Evelyn: No, not now! I’m not done having a body yet!

Riley: It’s okay. You’re my best friend, Evelyn. We had a good run. Maybe if he doesn’t evaporate our souls, we can both be ghost hosts.

Evelyn: I think that’s wishful thinking, Riles. He’s Evaporo!

Evaporo: And it’s Evapor-over for both of you!

SOUND: Evaporo tries to evaporate Riley and Evelyn but it doesn’t work.

Riley: Huh. Being evaporated feels exactly like not being evaporated.

Evelyn: He’s toying with us! He’s going to do it when we think we’re safe.

Evaporo: No, my powers aren’t working. I’m honest enough to tell you that.

Baron of Perishing: Why would you tell them that? It weakens our bargaining position!

Riley: I’m sorry, what are we bargaining for here?

Evaporo: I swear. This never happens to me. Maybe I’m a bit dehydrated.

Evelyn: Evaporo drinks water? The mysteries deepen.

Baron of Perishing: You know, Ev, you’re being very embarrassing right now.

Evelyn: How am I embarrassing you?

Baron of Perishing: I was talking to Evaporo.

Evelyn: Oh, that makes more sense.

Evaporo: Well, maybe if someone didn’t order me to evaporate ALL the guards and the cell, and the veil between worlds, and that rude teen that insulted your forehead tentacle--

Riley: No, that was my meal! You monster!

Baron of Perishing: To be entirely fair, Ev. You did also evaporate several trees, a motorcycle, and a liquor store of your own volition.

Evaporo: So now you’re criticizing me for doing my favorite thing? I expected better of you, Barry, but my expectations have since evaporated!

Baron of Perishing: First of all, you don’t have a favorite thing, you have one thing!

Evaporo: If you can’t handle me when I’m evaporating what I want to evaporate, you don’t deserve me when I’m evaporating what you want me to evaporate!

Riley: Uh oh, they’re arguing like my parents.

Evelyn: Should we get your mom down here? She might be able to--

Riley: No, there must be another way!

Baron of Perishing: I call the shots around here! Don’t forget who I am! I’m the Baron of Perishing!

Evaporo: Don’t lord your title over my infinite headlike-appendages! Purchasing a few protons worth of matter in the Andromeda galaxy doesn’t make you a Baron! And even if it did, what does a noble rank matter to us? We’re quantum abominations! The laws of physics can’t hold us, so why the fuck would we care about land ownership?

Baron of Perishing: You wouldn’t understand! You’ve never dreamed of anything but evaporation! We’re unknowable eldritch horrors, stop being so knowable!

Evaporo: I know who I am! Do you? You’re only unknowable to yourself!

Baron of Perishing: Evaporo, please! Not in front of the mortals.

Evaporo: Who cares, when my powers return, I’ll evaporate them!

Baron of Perishing: You can’t just evaporate all your problems away!

Evaporo: Yes, I can! You should try it sometime! Oh wait, you can’t! Cause I was locked up for evaporating my own dimension, and you were locked up for running non-euclidean pyramid schemes!

Baron of Perishing: I destroyed many lives, financially! Why do you have to bring up the things I’ve done rather than vaguely gesturing at things I could do!

SOUND: The Baron and Evaporo continue to argue in the background. Riley and Evelyn speak in hushed voices.

Riley: Evelyn, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Evelyn: That these two have an extremely toxic friendship?

Riley: Yes, but also, maybe we can get Evaporo to evaporate our problems. Starting with the Baron of Putridness!

Evelyn: I think it was the Baron of Perfidy…

Riley: Whatever! Let’s drive a wedge between these dweebs!

SOUND: Riley loudly clears their throat.

Baron of Perishing and Evaporo: WHAT!?

Riley: Baron of Perishables. Evaporo. Me and Evelyn have been talking.

Baron of Perishing: Oh yes?

Evelyn: It’s clear you two have very different goals.

Baron of Perishing: Nonsense! Our goals are aligned in the pursuit of ultimate power. Two great pistons in an unyielding engine of-

Evaporo: Hey, my powers recharged! Take that, bookshelf!

SOUND: Evaporo evaporates the bookshelf.

Baron of Perishing: Will you stop being so impulsive! Every time I get a good flow on you undermine me by indulging your infantile whims.

Evaporo: Infantile? Infantile is needing cults to constantly validate you!

Baron of Perishing: At least I HAD cults! You evaporated yours!

Evaporo: And I LOVED doing it! You should know that about me by now!

Baron of Perishing: I am BEGGING you to think about presentation, just once! I hate being seen with you.

Evaporo: Why focus on presenTATION when I could be focusing on-

Baron of Perishing: DON’T SAY IT. I CAN’T HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN, IT’S LOST ALL MEANING.

Evelyn: Stop fighting! Sally Sprout says that “When you fight, no one’s right.”

Riley: [whispering harshly] Evelyn, getting them to fight was the whole plan. Say literally anything else...

Evelyn: But I’d be betraying the uniform… Riley: Evelyn, it was hand-stitched by someone on Etsy. It was going to betray you first. You’re pulling an Evaporo right now, Ev. Work with me!

Evelyn: Come to think of it, Sally Sprout also said “Let’s get to the root of the problem… by pushing an already bad relationship to a boiling point of mutual resentment.” [under her breath] I’m sorry, Sally.

Riley: Screw this! Hey, Evaporo!

Evaporo: What?

Riley: Are you really going to take that from a guy who looks so easy to evaporate?

Evaporo: Hmm. Somehow I’ve never thought of that before.

Baron of Perishing: Ha! He wouldn’t dare! I give this enterprise structure! Panache! Without me he’d just hop from dimension to dimension, evaporating everything in his path.

Evaporo: Ooh.

Baron of Perishing: Mindlessly winking worlds out of existence while giggling like a toddler.

Evaporo: Heehee. It is pretty funny. Baron of Perishing: No accumulation of power! No amassing followers! No multi-level marketing strategies, planned to the last detail over nights and nights of meticulous- Evaporo: Yeah, you’re right Riley. Fuck this guy! I’ll start with his dumb hat!

Baron of Perishing: You capricious boob! You’re nothing without me! You’re nothiiiiiing!

SOUND: Baron’s voice fades into evaporation-death.

Evaporo: Pretty sure that’s you, buckaroo. Evapor-one, Baron-zero.

Evelyn: It worked, Riley, he evaporated Baron Pepperoni!

Riley: I love it when a plan comes together. Guess this is a fun Halloween after all.

Evelyn: So how do we get rid of Evaporo now?

[BEAT]

Riley: Shit.

Evaporo: [evil laugh] Someone once told me that I couldn’t evaporate all my problems away. And now he’s evaporated along with my guilt! Nothing’s going to hold me back!

Riley: Damn. Nothing is holding him back. We’re so evaporated.

Evelyn: Sally was right! “When a friend evaporates their friend, the rest of the world is bound to end.”

Riley: That was a quote from the show?

Evelyn: It was really ahead of its time.

Riley: I wish I grew up with a cartoon that would prepare me to be evaporated by a supreme cosmic evil.

Evelyn: There’s a rhyme for that too, Riley. “When you are faced with an evil guy, make him sad so he will cry.”

Riley: I don’t know what would make Evaporo sad, other than not evaporating us?

Evelyn: We need to dig into his past wounds, awaken his ancient traumas! Then, he’ll do the opposite of evaporate… and reform!

Riley: Here’s a Riley rhyme for you: “It doesn’t work if the guy’s just a jerk. ”

Evelyn: “It’s worth a try, because we’re about to die!”

Evaporo: My powers are returning to me again. I didn’t mention it, but it took a lot out of me to evaporate that other guy. You two totally could have run away and I probably wouldn’t have found you. I’m surprised you waited, unless you want to be evaporated? Which is ideal for me, because it’s happening either way.

Evelyn: You might be able to evaporate us, but you can’t evaporate your past! Something tragic must have made you choose the path of evil! Who hurt you, Evaporo?

Evaporo: Wait, you really want to know?

Riley: [lying, badly] Sure, we really feel like you’ve earned some pathos.

Evaporo: [touched] Nobody’s ever asked me that before! Well...Long ago, before I was known as Evaporo, when I was just a humble liquid, there was a time in my existence when I [sniffles] couldn’t evaporate things. Every time I think back on those painful memories, I just want to evaporate things to make me feel better!

Evelyn: Isn’t there anything else? A lost pet? Unrequited love? Financial trouble?

Evaporo: I’ve evaporated all those things! And I’d do it again!

Evelyn: I failed. We’re doomed.

Riley: Don’t beat yourself up, Ev, you tried your best.

Evaporo: [maniacal laugh] I’ll evaporate everything, and right now, you’re in my way!

Riley: Wait, before you evaporate us, you can only do this on Halloween right? Because the veil is thin? Evaporo: Thin enough to EVAP- Riley: Sure, sure. But you’ve only got… seven minutes of Halloween left on this dimension? Won’t you just get whipped back to Tartarus 6? Evaporo: I never thought of that! Because it was only tangentially related to evaporation! Oh no! Riley: But surely it’s Halloween SOMEWHERE right? In some dimension?

Evaporo: That’s true! And they probably all have at least one populated basement that acts as a dimensional conduit!

Riley: Right!

Evaporo: And without that dweeb Duke Pizza, I can EVAPORAMPAGE!

Evelyn: Wait…

Evaporo: Thank you, Riley! Thank you, Evelyn!

Evelyn: I’m not sure I want credit for this.

Evaporo: It’s time to strike out on my own! Make something of myself! And make nothing… OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!

SOUND: Evaporo cackles maniacally as he evaporates the barrier to the next dimension.

Evelyn: What did we just do! Did he… did he just say he’d evaporate everything? Riley: Not our everything, Hooper. Not our everything.

Evelyn: I feel like I compromised my morals a lot today.

Riley: You okay, Ev? You don’t look so good. Evelyn: Tell you the truth… now it’s no longer Halloween… these skittles are going right through me.

SOUND: Dozens of skittles and a unitard hit the ground.

Evelyn: “Goodbye skittles, goodbye Sally, goodbye corporeal reality.” [sighs] That’s an Evelyn Hooper original.

Riley: Look on the bright side. We’re not evaporated!

Evelyn: But my Halloween was evaporated. I can’t believe that we spent most of our night dealing w ith those jerks.

Riley: Ev, take it from a professional night owl - It’s not tomorrow until you go to sleep. You may not be able to eat candy or wear a goofy costume...or watch me devour a teenager...but you don’t need a body to watch Hocus Pocus and scary Kevin’s Top Sevens videos.

Evelyn: Yeah...I guess it doesn’t really matter how much Halloween indulgence you have, as long as you’re spending time with your best friend. I’ll sure miss the candy though.

Riley: I’ll eat enough candy for both of us. Someone has to clean up these skittles.

Evelyn: I take it all back, Riley. Halloween is scary.

Riley: [eating skittles] Don’t judge me. It’s Kevin Time.

SOUND: Click. Kevin’s video/outro begins.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Happy Halloween, Top Seven Squad. I hope you’ve all had a fun, safe evening. And if you haven’t, the footage of your death may end up on one of my future videos. Before we get into today’s banger upload- Top Sixteen Halloween Hate Crimes Caught on Tape - we have a quick word from our sponsor: Spooky Sal’s Sarasota Scary Sound Store.

He’s Florida’s leading provider of existentially unsettling earworms. In fact, he sent over one of his Premium Soundboards. Let’s take a listen…

SOUND: Raven caws, then says, “I know your name, Kevin’s Top Sevens - Please Subscribe.”

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Now that’s chilling.

News Reader: We interrupt this self-aggrandizing sound effect to bring you an important message. Don’t touch that dial now, we’re just getting started: This extra spooky episode was written by Alex “The Alien” Whitington, Henry “The Gallows” Galley, and Gus “The Italian” Zagarella, with audio engineering by Scott “The Left Hand Enthusiast” Thomas. This episode starred Alexis “Fire and Brimstone” Bristowe as Riley, Meg “Curse of King-Tuten-Khamun” as Evelyn, Maddie “The Mothman” Rambissoon as The Raven, and Scott Thomas and Henry Galley as literally everyone else.

Executive Produced by Uri “The Undertaker” Sacharow, art by Meg Molloy Tuten, with a theme song by Nick “The Nightcrawler” Heilman and Makayla “The Ghost Rider” Crider.

Want to give this show your spooooky monetary support? Find us on Patreon. And follow us on our scaaaaary social media, linked in the show notes. Thank you for listening to Less Is Morgue, and of course, Happy Halloween…

SOUND: Tinny witch cackle. Back to Kevin.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: That isn’t my name. Huh. Anyway, on with the video. Number Sixteen-

SOUND: Evaporo manifests in the room.

Evaporo: Ah yes, a new dimension to Evaporate! How wonderful! I think I’ll start with you!

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Shit, not again!

SOUND: Kevin screams and is evaporated.

Evaporo: [uncomfortably close to the mic] Now that I carry bottled water, my powers are unlimited! Ahh, feels good on my infinite throat-like protrusions. And since I’m here...time for a little Halloween fun of my own!

SOUND: Evaporo’s maniacal giggle fades. Layered mass-evaporation noises.

[END]