Episode 206: Whose Whine Is It Anyway

Evelyn finds a book on improv comedy. Things descend into madness shortly after.

+transcript

Evelyn: [excited] Hey, hey, hey everyone, if you’re listening to this, it means you probably love to laugh! [Makes snare-drum noise]

Riley: What!? This isn’t a comedy podcast-

Evelyn: Play along! Do your weird fact!

Riley: One out of ten doctors say that laughter is the best medicine. But when a Seattle physician flooded the ICU with laughing gas, his medical license was immediately revoked. You just can’t win these days. I’m Riley, your best Ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn! Your ghost host with the… jokes! Eh, Eh, Eh!

SOUND: INTRO MUSIC.

Evelyn: Eh! Do you get it, Riles? You get it? The jokes? Cause I’m gonna talk about comedy today?

Riley: Ev, you’re giving me a ghost elbow. I get that you’re having fun, but I can’t feel those.

Evelyn: Tell me, have you ever heard of the giggle-tastic Lafferson Twins?

Riley: That depends. Have they heard of me? And if so, who’s asking?

Evelyn: Firstly, I’m asking. And secondly, they’re only the funniest comedians since Larry the Cable Guy!

Riley: [horrified] Larry the Cable Guy?

Evelyn: Exactly, and that’s saying something! Larry’s a triple threat. Jokes, goofs, and cable installation! [impression] Get her done! [laughs]

Riley: You think he actually installs cable?

Evelyn: Duh! Do you think they’d let him lie about something like that on TV?

Riley: [snickers] Sure, and the Undertaker runs actual funerals, too.

Evelyn: Yeah! He gave me a pretty touching service.

Riley: Y’know, the more I learn about your funeral, Hooper, the more I hope you never have another one. Now, who the fuck are the Lafferson Twins?

Evelyn: They built the Ignore The Pain Podcast Network! They’re titans in our industry! They’re also the hosts of “Man, That Sucks” and “Knuckle Shuffle!”, among other comedy podcast hits! You really should know them.

Riley: Oh, I don’t listen to other podcasts. It might influence the show.

Evelyn: But what if they were a good influence?

Riley: Oh no.

SOUND: Pages as Evelyn levitates the book.

Evelyn: Listeners, I have purchased the last book on comedy that we’ll ever need. It’s the Lafferson Twins’ new release, “The Last Book on Comedy You’ll Ever Need.”

Riley: Well, I admire their resolve to get people to stop buying similar products. Three stars.

Evelyn: I think you mean two stars. Specifically, you and me! After we absorb this book’s secrets, we’ll be comedic goshes! I’ll be the next Seinfeld and you can be my Kramer!

Riley: I’ve been burned on books of secrets before. I’ve been speaking my mom’s death into the universe for years, and at this point, I think the universe is scared of her.

Evelyn: This is totally different. The problem with books like that is that the writers usually don’t have experience in whatever they’re talking about. Not like the Lafferson Twins, they’re the Rodney Dangerfield of making people laugh. [impression] I don’t get no respect!

Riley: I can’t imagine why.

Evelyn: Why don’t we play one of my favorite bits from their improv show, “Man, That Sucks”? You’ll see what I mean once you hear those tummy-twisting funnies.

Riley: Ev, we’ve infringed on copyright multiple times on this show for music, movies, and TV, and I couldn’t give a shit. But playing another podcast on our podcast? How low have we sunk?

Evelyn: Do you mean any of that or are you just ranting?

Riley: [grumbles] Okay, fine. We’ll play the bit.

Evelyn: Yay! Evelyn wins again!

SOUND: Evelyn hits the play button.

Banshee: It really would suck if you were scuba diving and your snorkel turned out to be a large piece of pasta.

Chimera: The biggest pasta.

Banshee: Da Big a’ pasta.

Chimera: So the water makes it stop being rigid, and you just drown with a floppy noodle on your face?

Banshee: That’d really put an al dente in your self-esteem.

Chimera: [pretending to drown] I’m drowning because my snorkel was pasta! This is such a fu-silly way to die.

SOUND: Both laugh.

Chimera and Banshee: Man, That Sucks.

SOUND: Evelyn pauses the clip.

Evelyn: [laughing] You see what I mean, Riles?

Riley: ...No?

Evelyn: They came up with all of that on the fly! They’re geniuses!

Riley: Geniuses? Really? That’s a word that should only be reserved for actual geniuses, like authors, and people who know about the Deep State.

Evelyn: They did write the book. And they have this other great bit about the Deep Dish State in episode 512...

Riley: Oh, so that’s a joke to them. There are some lines comedy shouldn’t cross.

Evelyn: Well, why don’t we cross some lines right now. But the safe ones! Like a crosswalk.

Riley: I’m more of a jaywalker, but sure, why not. We might as well give the listeners something to really fracture their funny bones.

Evelyn: That’s the spirit! And luckily for us, the book is arranged into fun exercises that even beginners can do. By the end of this, we’ll be the next Austin Powers! [impression] Groovy, baby!

Riley: Austin Powers is a fictional character. Mike Myers is the comedian.

Evelyn: [impression continues] Yeah, baby, yeah!

Riley: Really? This is the impression you’re gonna stick with?

Evelyn: [impression continues] Oh, behave.

Riley: I’m deeply disturbed. What’s the first exercise?

Evelyn: The Lafferson’s call this exercise “Pirate Ping-Pong” or “Riff-Raff Whiff-Whaff”.

Riley: Those both sound awful.

Evelyn: It says here we’re supposed to trade incoherent noises back and forth and try to make a conversation out of them. Bonus points if they’re pirate noises.

Riley: What are the points for?

Evelyn: Apparently, they don’t matter.

Riley: So we just make weird sounds? I’m pretty good at that.

Evelyn: Yar! Let’s set sail for comedy! I mean… just yar.

Riley: I’ll give you an easy pitch, and start us off with a [horrible noise]

Evelyn: [horrible noise]

Riley: [even more horrible noise]

Evelyn: [very bad noise]

Riley: [absolutely terrible noise]

Evelyn: [worst noise]

Riley: Whoa, whoa, Evelyn! You can’t say that in this house!

Evelyn: Wait, what did I say?

Riley: I know you didn’t mean it, but what you just said was actually something really fucked up in ghoulish.

Evelyn: Oh no! I had no idea!

Riley: If my mom heard you, it’d be Bloody Mary all over again. Let’s move on.

SOUND: Page turns.

Evelyn: Right, sorry. The next game is called “Three Line Scene.”

Riley: As a prolific writer, I already hate this. You need hundreds, if not thousands of lines to make a good scene.

Evelyn: Au contraire, my good ghoul, you can do anything in the world of improv.

Riley: Let the record state, Evelyn is doing jazz hands.

Evelyn: “Three Line Scene” is an easy one. One of us begins by describing a situation, and the next person gives a “Yes, and” statement.

Riley: Yes, and?

Evelyn: Yes! And then the last person builds off the previous two lines with a final “yes, and” statement, closing out the scene.

Riley: Uh...Maybe I’ll understand it better if I see it in action?

Evelyn: Yes. I’ll start. [beat] “Gee, it sure is hot in this office today.”

Riley: “Yes, and that’s because the whole building’s budget has been slashed by corporate and they’re blaming us workers for the faulty air conditioning. It’s another example of how the big wigs on top are keeping the little guy down.”

Evelyn: [uncertain] “Yes, and also the water cooler is empty.”

Riley: I think that one was pretty good, Ev. I might just have a knack for this improv stuff.

Evelyn: Okay… We’re still warming up, so I’ll start another one. [beat] “Boy, I can’t believe our pick-up truck broke down at the foot of this big mountain.”

Riley: “Yes, and we need to abandon it now, because if we don’t get over this mountain fast, the Night Gaunts will descend upon us and rend the blood from our ventricles.”

Evelyn: “Yes, and I’ve heard there’s a great diner on the other side of this mountain too.”

Riley: Boom! We nailed another one! I’m so good at this!

Evelyn: Uh… Yeah. Why don’t you start the next one? I’m sure it’ll be just as good.

Riley: Okay, here we go. Brace your sides for maximum splittage.

Evelyn: [strained] Bracing.

Riley: “For a thousand years, the tomb of the Demon Lord Yoguron has stood, guarded by the eight shamans of the five elements.”

Evelyn: “Yes, and...Uh...“

Riley: Oh, my bad. I’ll provide some more context on the shamans. The first shaman, who represents the element of surprise, is known as Boobookeys, and his seventeen family members are…

Evelyn: Three Line Scene is over. Let’s move on to the next exercise.

Riley: Fair enough, I think we pretty much kicked ass on that one. Do your worst, Laffersons!

Evelyn: The next exercise is called “Fortunately, Unfortunately”. One of us says positive things, and the other one says negative things.

Riley: That’s true. But what’s the game?

Evelyn: Basically, you’ll say “Fortunately” followed by a nice thing, and I’ll build on that with “Unfortunately”, followed by a not-so-nice side effect of the first thing. Then we just keep going, and see how long we can keep it up.

Riley: So I talk about things I like and you try to ruin them? I’ve been playing this game against society my whole life.

Evelyn: Why don’t you start us off, then?

Riley: Let’s get positive. “Fortunately, there's still three entire pizzas to eat.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, the toppings are all sardines.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I happen to like sardines very much.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, these actually aren’t sardines. They’re tin cans.”

Riley: “Fortunately, these will make good additions to my tin can collection.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, your tin can collection was stolen last week.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I know who did it, and after I finish these three pizzas, I’m gonna pay them a visit.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, the people who stole your tin can collection are the dragon mafia, some of the most powerful gangsters in Tallahassee.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I’m an unstoppable badass and those punk-ass bitch dragons don’t even know what’s coming for them.”

Evelyn: Uh… um… “Unfortunately, the pizza guy was an informant working for the dragon mafia, and now that they know who you are, they’ve assembled all of their top goons.”

Riley: “Fortunately, I run with the roughest crew in the universe, including the eight shamans of the five elements...”

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Soft music. Gentle evening seaside ambiance. Waves lick at the shore. Melancholy.

Sheldon: Remember when your mom and dad took you walking on the beach, right before the accident? That was a good day, huh? You felt so sad to leave, without even knowing that once you got into your friend’s car, that’d be the last time you ever saw them. And the one thing that anchored you to reality when you got the news, was the sand left in your shoe from earlier that very day.

At Sheldon’s Sandy Shoe Shop, we’re here to keep that bittersweet memory alive, because maybe if you can feel that sand between your toes, your parents might still be alive too. And isn’t that why you’re still here, at the end of the day? You go to sleep each night, hoping everything that came before was little more than a dream.

You hope someday you’ll be woken up by the rumbling engine of their car pulling into the driveway. You open the door and hug them, tears streaming down your face. They ask you why you’re so worked up, and tousle your hair. You smile and say, “Nothing. Just a bad dream. I’m so glad you’re home.” But it wasn’t a dream, the sands of time can only flow one way. And now, that same sand can be in your shoes too, so you’ll always have that gritty, irritating reminder of what you’ve lost.

But hey, what a beautiful day at the beach. Best enjoy it while it lasts.

SOUND: No more words. The beach ambiance and music slowly fade.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, the Demon Lord Yoguron’s force field is too powerful for the Sword of Five Elements to pierce.”

Riley: “Fortunately, there’s a sixth element that’s only unlocked by the other five elements coming together: the element of friendship!”

Evelyn: Awww that’s so touching! I mean, “Unfortunately, one of the eight shamans isn’t here because they’re still dealing with personal stuff.”

Riley: “Fortunately, they’ve grown as a person and are here in spirit.”

Evelyn: “Unfortunately, this means Yoguron is dead.”

Riley: Wait, wouldn’t that be fortunate?

Evelyn: I lost the thread of this plot three hours ago.

SOUND: Paper rustling.

Riley: Fortunately, I wrote the whole thing down.

Evelyn: Unfortunately, I think it’s time we moved on to a different exercise.

Riley: Fortunately, I’m game. What’s the deal?

Evelyn: “The Alphabet Game.” Basically, I’ll say a sentence that starts with the letter A, then you’ll start your sentence with B, and we’ll keep going until we go through the entire alphabet. Which is great because that means this game has a finite end!

Riley: Okay, you start.

Evelyn: “Afraid to tell you this, but your house is filled with puppies.”

Riley: “But my fridge is full! How will I store them all?”

Evelyn: Can’t say I like this direction.

Riley: Do you want to play the game or not?

Evelyn: Either you stop talking about eating puppies or I won’t play.

Riley: Fine!

Evelyn: Good.

Riley: How about a new game? This one is causing friction already.

Evelyn: I think you’re right. Sorry for lashing out there, Riles.

Riley: Just know I didn’t mean anything by it.

Evelyn: ‘Kay.

Riley: Let’s take another look at that Lafferson book.

SOUND: Pages flutter.

Evelyn: Most of these games require more than two people, which is weird considering the book was written by twins.

Riley: Not that weird, seeing as improv tends to attract people with, quote “lots of friends”, unquote.

Evelyn: Oh! I got one!

Riley: Please, tell our listeners all about it.

Evelyn: Questions only!

Riley: Right, sorry, can you tell our listeners about it?

Evelyn: So it’s a game where we act out a scene but we can only speak in questions.

Riley: This sounds way more fun than the alphabet game. There’s no way we could have kept that one up.

Evelyn: Understandable, it’s a pretty challenging game.

Riley: Very challenging.

SOUND: Xylophone music.

Evelyn: What’s that music?

Riley: Xylophone. Sorry, it’s my new ringtone. I’m getting so many spam callers lately.

SOUND: Beep. Music stops.

Evelyn: You really should start silencing your phone while we record.

Riley: Zip it. Let’s just get into this.

Evelyn: “Excuse me. Do you know the time?”

Riley: 5:58. Oh fuck, I mean “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Evelyn: “Why would I ask if I didn’t want to know?”

Riley: “Wouldn’t I like to find out?”

Evelyn: “Why don’t you ask me?”

Riley: “Why should I do that?”

Evelyn: “Didn’t you just say that you wanted to find out?”

Riley: “What makes you think that I would believe you’d even tell me?”

Evelyn: “What are we even talking about?”

Riley: “What branch of the government are you working for?”

Evelyn: “What?”

Riley: “You want to do this the hard way?”

Evelyn: “The hard way?”

Riley: “What size thumbscrews are least comfortable for you?”

Evelyn: “When did this game become so violent?”

Riley: “That’s a question I’ve been asking myself since Barcelona.”

Evelyn: Riley, that’s not a question.

Riley: “How do you know my name?”

Evelyn: “Do you mind breaking character for a second?”

Riley: Sure, Ev, what’s up?

Evelyn: You got really lost in the role.

Riley: I sure did. Isn’t improv comedy great? It’s so rare to find a new hobby I actually enjoy.

Evelyn: That wasn’t comedy! You were just reenacting the torture scene from that R-rated superhero movie we watched last week!

Riley: Reenacting? More like elevating. I’d like to think my acting was way better than Keith Manjaw’s.

Evelyn: The point of these games is to make ourselves and the listeners laugh. I’m starting to think we might not be doing the best we can.

Riley: Well, it’s not like the Lafferson’s are comedy gold anyway! [voice mimicry] “I’m drowning because my snorkel was pasta.” [normal voice] Shit. I just realized how funny that is.

Evelyn: It’s hilarious! We need to up our game.

Riley: Okay then, Hooper. You tell me what part of all this certified comedy platinum wasn’t up to your sophisticated comedic standards?

SOUND: Teddy comes downstairs.

Teddy: Hey, Riley! Hope I’m not interrupting your internet radio show. I just thought I heard some really funny jokes down here and wanted to say: Keep it up! You’re making your old man proud.

SOUND: Teddy exits. Beat.

Riley: Evelyn, we need to become a hundred times better at comedy right the fuck now.

Evelyn: I know, I know. It’s just so difficult when we’re only two people.

Riley: That never stopped the Lafferson’s! Maybe we need to start crossing outside the safe intersection of comedy and push the envelope, you know? Break boundaries, smash mailboxes, eat babies!

Evelyn: Weren’t you saying earlier that some lines shouldn’t be crossed?

Riley: If it means being funnier than whatever my dad thinks is funny, there’s no line that I won’t cross.

Evelyn: See, now that just feels like you’re using comedy as a cheap ploy to lash out at inconveniences in your immediate environment rather than taking a bigger picture look at--

Riley: Evelyn, stop joking around. I needs the funnies.

Evelyn: [panicked] Okay, Okay, Okay!

SOUND: Frantic page turns.

Evelyn: I’ve got it! This is our ticket to comedy mega-stardom!

Riley: Yes! YES!

Evelyn: [extreme reverence] Advanced Comedy Techniques from the Lafferson Goof Vault. For a thousand years, they’ve been guarded, and now, they’re finally revealed to us mere comedy mortals.

Riley: Jeez, the Lafferson family has been in the comedy business a long time.

Evelyn: Good comedy is timeless, Riley. My gosh, can you even imagine the power? We’ll be even funnier than Larry the Cable Guy. And perhaps even...dare I say it...Gallagher.

Riley: It’s divided into sections. This first one is, “Words That Are Always Funny.”

Evelyn: Feast your eyes on these bad boys. They’ve got “alfalfa”, “spleen”, and even... “nincompoop.” This is some heavy duty ordinance. We need to tread cautiously.

Riley: Bacon bacon monkey monkey!

Evelyn: A wooly cowpoke got bamboozled while spelunking!

Riley: That jumbo gumbo fell on Columbo!

Evelyn: Rutabaga watermelon garbage can.

Riley: [beat] Masticate.

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley chortle like Beavis and Butthead.

Riley: I can feel us getting funnier by the second! This episode will be downloaded by all the funniest people in the world!

Evelyn: [impression] Yeah, baby! Shagadelic!

Riley: What’s the next section!?

Evelyn: It’s just a mostly blank page that says “My wife” on it.

Riley: [impression] “My wife!”

Evelyn: [laughing uncontrollably] You just said “my wife.”

Riley: [louder] “My wife!”

Evelyn: ‘Cause it’s like, your wife! [laughing through tears] I wish I had a wife!

Riley: Then she’d be… “Your wife!”

SOUND: Evelyn wheeze-laughs. Riley turns the page.

Riley: “Catch-phrases that will kill an entire room” Why are the Lafferson’s selling this? I don’t normally care about the public good, but this shit is dangerous.

Evelyn: Hey, Riley? [New York Accent] “I’m walking here!”

SOUND: Riley cracks into uncontrollable laughter.

Riley: Oh no!

Evelyn: Here comes another one... “I’ll have what she’s having!”

Riley: [dying] Ev, stop, I’m gonna pee!

Evelyn: “No soup for you!”

SOUND: Riley screams and bites into the table.

Evelyn: Riley, you’re eating our table!

SOUND: Riley pulls away from the table.

Riley: Shit… [Urkel] “Did I do that?”

SOUND: Evelyn cackles.

Evelyn: [crazed] If I could breathe right now, I couldn’t breathe!

Riley: It’s like they’ve hacked into the DNA of comedy itself.

Evelyn: It’s got another section here on topics that are always funny to joke about.

Riley: Oh yeah? Stop holding out on me, Ev, what are they!?

Evelyn: Weird things your kids did. Weird things your dog did. Amusing sex anecdotes.

Riley: We’ll get in touch with Fred.

Evelyn: Amusing drug anecdotes.

Riley: We’ll get in touch with Tiffany, Shaz, and Flauros.

Evelyn: Raw depictions of personal struggles with mental health.

Riley: I’ll get in touch with myself.

Evelyn: Poop and/or farts.

Riley: Of course! The great equalizer!

Evelyn: Oh, they’ve got a final note here, too. "NOTE: Avoid discussing politics and real world issues whenever possible. Comedy isn't meant to make people think, it's meant to make people laugh. So shut up and keep laughing! - This Note Was Sponsored By The Executive Branch of the US Government."

Riley: We need to move to the next section. If we linger here too long, we might get too funny, too fast, and somehow destroy the world.

Evelyn: Is that a thing?

Riley: I don’t wanna find out. What’s next?

Evelyn: “Postmodern Comedy.” Wow, this is getting heady. Are we talking more Derrida or Foucault?

Riley: These just look like shitposts, to be honest. Like this one is just a black-and-white picture of Robert Downey Jr. and the caption says “I killed my wife.”

Evelyn: It says “My wife!”

SOUND: Riley high-pitch laughs and slaps their knee with incredible force.

Riley: Ow, I just slapped my knee out of alignment!

Evelyn: We’re at the last section now. We’re almost comedy geniuses, Riley!

Riley: Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Evelyn: “Pratfalls Not Pitfalls: Comedy Cliches To Avoid Like The Plague.”

Riley: What gives? We’ve crossed the line, and now we’re crossing back over?

Evelyn: I guess comedy can’t all be just raw chuckle-power. You need to know how to properly wield your newfound laugh strength. Like a Samurai sword.

Riley: All I heard was samurai sword, but I completely agree. Let’s ride this chuckle choo-choo back to sanity. [beat; murmuring] What the fuck am I saying? God, this is your brain on Lafferson...

Evelyn: “When you’re playing to a crowd, try not to rely on antagonizing the audience.”

Riley: Those ungrateful pricks? They’ll get what they’re given, and like it.

Evelyn: “Don’t overuse jokes about your wife.”

Riley: “My wife?”

Evelyn: “Also avoid running a catchphrase into the ground. It won’t be funny the twelfth time.”

Riley: [sadly] “My wife...”

Evelyn: I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t even know what half of those catchphrases were referencing, I just kind of got caught up in the moment.

Riley: The other half was lost on me. It just felt like a good way to get easy laughs, you know? This shit can be addictive - I get why so many comedians are emotionally damaged weirdos.

Evelyn: I think coming up with our own jokes is more rewarding in the long run.

Riley: Of all the times we could have benefitted from editing, this is one of them.

Evelyn: The next tip is “Don’t over-explain your jokes. ”

Riley: What do they mean by that?

Evelyn: They also say “Prop comedy is best left to the professionals, and there are none.”

Riley: We could be the first.

Evelyn: Should we?

Riley: I only said we could. Let’s not get crazy. Why are you so obsessed with prop comedy all of a sudden?

Evelyn: And moving on to “Never say ‘and moving on’.” [beat] Noted. “Lastly, remember that comedy is a collaboration between you, your improv partners, and the audience. So make sure that all of them and you are having a good time.”

Riley: Wow, this whole experience was honestly pretty damn fun. You’ve sold me, Evelyn. The world has one more improv enjoyer in it now. God help us all.

Evelyn: Heck yeah!

Riley: Are we still going to become comedy gods, though? Cause that sounded pretty sweet.

Evelyn: We’ll be something even better: Happy!

Riley: I can vibe with that. Want to do more improv exercises before we wrap this puppy in bacon and shove it down the hatch?

Evelyn: Riley! What did I say about puppies?

Riley: Sorry, sorry, old habits die hard.

Evelyn: But I am down for some more improv games. Maybe we should turn the recording off first, though. Not every joke’s worth broadcasting.

Riley: When has that ever stopped anyone?

Evelyn: And moving on…

[End]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Henry Galley and Gus Zagarella. With episode art by Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley and Chimera Lafferson, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Addison Peacock as Banshee Lafferson, Scott Thomas as Sheldon - Bazinga - and Matt Bradford as Teddy. With special thanks to Larry the Cable guy for all that he does for us.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!