Episode 205: All Dogs Go To Tallahassee
Evelyn collects the soul of her beloved dog, Peppermint, from the afterlife. Riley, feeling jealous, tries to get a pet of their own.
+transcript
SOUND: Cheerful barking and panting.
Evelyn: Good puppy, good puppy!
SOUND: Dog barks again.
Evelyn: Hey listeners, so we’ve got maybe the most special guest of all time on today’s episode! Let me introduce you to Peppermint, the dog that Olivia and I had when we lived together!
SOUND: Peppermint pants.
Evelyn: Since I’m free to travel between afterlives now, I decided as a treat I’d go check out Dog Heaven. By the way- Don Bluth was right, they’re all there. Every single dog. Including, the best dog ever, isn’t that right? Hey? Hey? Bark if you’re the best dog ever!
SOUND: Peppermint barks.
Evelyn: Good Peppermint! Riley’s gone to the store to pick up more cherry-flavored AA Batteries, so this is gonna be a big surprise for them. And before you say anything- it’s fine, Peppermint is totally incorporeal. Riley can’t do anything bad. That’s an official Evelyn Hooper guarantee! The one downside to Peppy’s ghostliness is that she can’t fetch the ball, but that’s okay, since we can still play her favourite game- wrestles!
SOUND: Peppermint growling and snorting playfully, dog collar jangling.
Evelyn: I’m gonna getcha! I’m gonna getcha! Who’s a big, tough girl? Is it you? It’s you!
SOUND: Door opens, shopping bag dropped to the floor.
Riley: What the fuck am I looking at here, Ev?
SOUND: Peppermint barking defensively.
Evelyn: It’s okay, down, girl! That’s just my best two-legged friend, Riley! They can be a little intimidating, but trust me, they’re friendly when you get to know them!
SOUND: Peppermint snorts.
Evelyn: Riley, I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine, Peppermint! Riley: See, people say I can’t go around eating their pets, but then start naming them after flavours! Where’s the logic here? I can’t win! Evelyn: You seem less impressed than I’d hoped. Riley: Why should I be impressed by a ghost dog? Evelyn: I got her a day pass from dog heaven so we could hang out! Riley: I imagine I have a lot of enemies in dog heaven. Evelyn: I was careful not to mention you by name. Riley: What’s so great about Peppermint? Evelyn: What’s so great about her? Look at her, Riley! Look at her! Peppermint, sit!
SOUND: Peppermint sitting.
Evelyn: Good dog! Now speak!
SOUND: Peppermint barks.
Evelyn: Good Peppy girl! Now roll over!
SOUND: Dog tag jangling.
Evelyn: Good girl, good girl, Peppermint! Oh, you’re so smart! Yes, yes you are! Riley: Big deal, I can do all that shit, and nobody ever gave me a participation trophy. Evelyn: You have higher brain functions, Riles! Riley: Ha! So you admit I’m smarter than a dog. Evelyn: I live in hope that you are. Riley: Why do you need this dumb dog, when you have me! I’m smart, I can talk, I’m housebroken, I can eat things and then assume their forms. I could be any animal, if you give me enough time and a skeleton key to the local zoo. Evelyn: I know, but Peppermint is my dog. Riley: So? Evelyn: She’s….my dog. Riley: Yeah, exactly, she’s a dog. Evelyn: My dog! She’s like a member of my family.
[ Beat ]
Riley: Oh, right, that’s a good thing for some people. Yeah, okay, I get it. Evelyn: Riley, are you jealous of Peppermint? Riley: What? Of course not. Jealousy is beneath me. Evelyn: It’s okay, Riles, I won’t let you be a third wheel. You can play with Peppermint too! Riley: Dogs don’t like me. Evelyn: Peppermint’s a ghost, it’s fine. Let her sniff your hand. Riley: Alright…
SOUND: Peppermint sniffs.
Riley: I can’t read dog body language. What’s she thinking, Evelyn?
Evelyn: She likes you!
Riley: You’re just saying that to make me feel better, I bet she doesn’t actually.
Evelyn: Riley, she’s a dog. She can’t lie.
Riley: Dogs can absolutely lie. They can be assholes, too. Haven’t you ever seen those class traitors from Paw Patrol?
Evelyn: That’s a cartoon, for babies.
Riley: There’s elements of truth to every cartoon, Ev. It’s how they indoctrinate the youth.
Evelyn: Look, why don’t you try playing with Peppermint for a minute, let her get used to you.
Riley: [sighs] Urrgh, fine. Umm, hey Peppermint, catch.
SOUND: Riley throws a ball. It phases through Peppermint, who whines in disappointment.
Evelyn: What did you think she was gonna catch that with?
Riley: Well, I got nothing.
Evelyn: I’m sure we’ll find a way you can interact with Peppermint. Because she wants to play with you, I’m sure she does. Hey? Hey, Peps? You wanna play with Riley, right?
SOUND: Peppermint pants.
Evelyn: You’re so friendly! You’re so friendly, arentcha, girl? Who’s a friendly puppy?
SOUND: Peppermint barks.
Evelyn: Who’s a friendly puppy ? Is it you? Is it Peppermint?
SOUND: Evelyn devolves into unintelligible baby talk. Peppermint pants happily and her tag jingles as Evelyn pets her.
Riley: Those weren’t words, Ev.
Evelyn: [demon voice] It’s been seventeen years since I’ve gotten to pet a dog, let me have this!
Riley: Okay, okay! Jeez. Bite my fucking head off, why don’t you.
SOUND: Peppermint whines.
Evelyn: It’s okay, girl, I’m not mad at you! I love my lil’ Peppy-Beppy!
Riley: I’m sick of this! If Evelyn’s gonna ignore me to fawn over some stupid animal, I’ll just….I’ll get my own pet! See how she likes it.
Evelyn: Did you say something, Riley?
Riley: Enough of this! I’m leaving.
SOUND: Riley storms up the stairs and out the door.
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--
SOUND: Evelyn is still playing with an excited Peppermint. A door slams in the distance and Riley descends into the basement. Thud as Riley drops an iguana.
Riley: Here, look upon this wretched thing!
Evelyn: Riley, is that an iguana?
SOUND: The iguana hisses, Peppermint growls.
Riley: This is Morton, the Sovereign of The Moon. I found him hibernating in the bushes and claimed him as my own. I took him to the pet store and got him all the required accoutrements. We’ve fucking bonded or whatever. Bet your dumb dog is feeling pretty dumb now, huh?
Evelyn: Riley, are you just trying to make my dog jealous?
Riley: Depends, is it working?
Evelyn: No, Riley, she’s a dog. She’s just watched you walk down the stairs, drop a two foot lizard on the desk and say a bunch of things that she has no context for.
Riley: She’s jealous, I can sense it. I bet you’re jealous too.
Evelyn: Why would I be jealous?
Riley: Because I have a bitchin’ pet iguana and you don’t. I’m probably even a better pet owner than you.
Evelyn: You’re eating the iguana right now.
Riley: [mouth full] AND WHAT OF IT?
SOUND: Riley gulps.
Riley: Iguanas are invasive anyway, the government would thank me. Not that I want their approval. [Burps]
Evelyn: That was your pet, Riley.
[Beat]
Riley: Oh, fuck, Morton! What am I gonna do with all his accoutrements?
Evelyn: Well...anyway...While you were out, I wanted to see if I could still get Peppermint to do all the tricks that Olivia and I taught her. And guess what? She can! Watch this! Peppermint!
SOUND: Peppermint barks.
Evelyn: Peppy, let’s sing a song for Riley! [encouraging] Awoo! Awooo!
SOUND: Peppermint howls for an extremely long time.
Evelyn: Good girl, Peppy! Thank you! Riley, thank her.
Riley: [emotionless] Thank you for that terrible song, Peppermint.
Evelyn: Do you wanna see if you can get her to do any tricks? She can sit, beg, speak, sing, roll over, shake hands…
Riley: Can she subscribe to patreon, or is freeloading one of her tricks, too?
Evelyn: Riley, stop being such a grump. Ask Peppermint to do something.
Riley: Alright, fine. Uh...Peppermint....sit.
SOUND: Dog collar jingling.
Riley: Riveting. Now, stay there and stop hogging all the air time!
Evelyn: Riley!
Riley: I’m sorry, Evelyn, but I will not take being usurped in my own home! I’m going off to find another pet. Then you’ll be sorry!
Evelyn: Fine, don’t eat this one.
Riley: You don’t know me!
Evelyn: Yes I do!
SOUND: Riley leaves. Peppermint whines.
Evelyn: Aw, it’s okay, girl. Riley just doesn’t like new things. They’ll get used to you.
SOUND: Peppermint barks. Riley returns.
Riley: I present you with my next pet!
SOUND: Cat yowling. It’s gurgling and guttural. Pack a day smoker cat voice.
Evelyn: I swear to gosh, Riley, if you eat that cat I will possess you and force you to throw it back up.
Riley: I just ate a whole iguana, Evelyn, I think I’m good until dinner. Anyway, me and this cat are bonding. Look.
SOUND: The cat babbles angrily and scratches Riley. Riley hisses in pain.
Evelyn: [sarcastic] Wow. You’re so bonded. What’s its name?
Riley: Well, according to the tag, it’s Fugly. But that’s a stupid name. I think her new name is gonna be….Morton 2, Heir to the Moon.
Evelyn: She has a tag?
Riley: Yes.
Evelyn: That’s someone else’s cat! You just stole someone else’s cat!
Riley: It’s civil asset forfeiture!
Evelyn: That’s absolutely not what that means! What if the owner comes looking for it?
Riley: Cats go missing all the time, I should know.
Evelyn: I love you, Riley, but sometimes, you make it hard. Maybe try petting her.
SOUND: Riley pets. Fugly’s babbling turns to purring. It sounds like a lawn mower on fire.
Evelyn: Well, at least she looks kinda happy for now….
Riley: That’s because we’re bonded, Evelyn! I can practically read her thoughts.
[beat]
Riley: She wants Peppermint to leave.
Evelyn: Stop putting mean words in the cat’s mouth! Peppermint is great with cats, one of her best friends was a tabby.
Riley: Well, not this one. A dog killed her mom for drug money when she was just a kitten. Ever since then, she’s harbored a deadly grudge...
Evelyn: Riley!
SOUND: Fugly begins to softly yowl.
Riley: [yelling] Stop yelling, Evelyn! You’re gonna scare the cat! Oh, fuck-
SOUND: Fugly begins to slice and dice Riley to ribbons. Screeching and hissing. She is extremely upset. Riley is genuinely frightened.
Riley: Shit, shit, I’m being betrayed! Ouch!
SOUND: Fugly runs off. The jingle of her bell collar fades.
Riley: Now you’re just leaving!? I thought what we had was special! [beat] I’m never being kind to a cat again. It’s not worth it.
Evelyn: That’s what you get when you kidnap poor innocent animals, Riles.
Riley: We wouldn’t even be in this situation if it wasn’t for Peppermint! This is all her fault!
Evelyn: What!? Come on, Riley, can you just let it go? Don’t be jealous of Peppermint, she’s a dog! She’ll never replace you in my heart, even though she is the most special dog in the whole wide world!
SOUND: Peppermint pants and rolls over.
Evelyn: Aww, does someone want a tummy rub? Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl?
SOUND: Evelyn scratches Peppermint’s belly.
Evelyn: Look at her leg twitching, isn’t she just the best?
Riley: The cuteness has no power over me. She’s on thin fucking ice, Ev.
Evelyn: So, what, you’re gonna go get another pet?
Riley: [defensive] N-no! Shut up, that’s not even what my plan is !
Evelyn: Riley, I can see you walking up the stairs to leave.
Riley: [distantly] No, I’m going to...return some videotapes.
Evelyn: Oh, fair en- wait. I thought VHS tapes were obsolete now.
Riley: [super quick] Sorry Ev, can’t hear you, bye!
SOUND: Door slamming.
Evelyn: They’re going to get another pet. I’ll pause the recording.
SOUND: Stop, Start. Riley returns.
Riley: Get ready to get shitted on, Hooper. I found an absolutely foolproof pet. I went to the local petsmart, and I asked them for the least edible pet they had. And the guy there gave me this. I present to you, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift.
SOUND: Eldritch noises. Audio glitching.
Evelyn: That’s great, but, uh….what is it?
Riley: I dunno, it’s like….you know, it’s a thing.
Evelyn: A thing?
Riley: Yeah. You know. It’s one of those….things.
Evelyn: Alright, I guess. So, uh...do you wanna see if Morton and Peppermint get along?
Riley: I mean, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift is my pet, but sure.
SOUND: Eldritch noises. Peppermint growls and barks.
Evelyn: They don’t seem to like each other.
Riley: Fine. You play with your pet, and I’ll play with mine. C’mere, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift. Let’s talk to the listeners about the immutable power of the Deep State-
SOUND: The audio gets extremely garbled and unintelligible as Morton approaches the mic.
SOUND: The episode cuts back in.
Evelyn: I’m so glad you returned that pet to the store, Riles.
Riley: Yeah, me too. I didn’t realise how badly it was gonna break reality around it.
Evelyn: Plus, it really didn’t get along with Peppermint.
Riley: [deadpan] What a tragedy.
Evelyn: Oh, come on, Riley. Give her a chance. She’s a good dog, and she’ll be your friend if you let her!
SOUND: Calculator, shuffling papers, Peppermint woofs happily.
Evelyn: See, Riley? She loves you, she’s filing your taxes!
Riley: I’m so sick of this fucking dog! [mocking] Oh, the dog’s singing a song! Oh, she’s doing your taxes! Oh, she’s unified Korea and brokered peace in the middle east! [normal] Gimme a break!
Evelyn: Riley, you’re blowing this way out of proportion.
Riley: No I’m not! You’re my best friend, god damn it, and by being my best friend you’ve implicitly agreed to not have any other friends! Exclusivity! That’s how it works in this capitalist hellhole we call society!
Evelyn: Even if that were true-
Riley: And it is!
Evelyn: No. Even if that were true, I cannot stress this enough, Peppermint is my dog. I love her, but the nature of our relationship is fundamentally different. Yes, I can wrestle with Peppermint, and I can rub her belly and scratch her lil’ puppy chin, but I can’t discuss Professor Huh fan theories, or argue about music, or play board games, or host my podcast with her! You can have more than one friend, Riley! In fact, I strongly encourage you to try it.
Riley: Sorry, were you saying something? I was waiting for Ars Socia to boot up so I could get a dog of my own. [typing] I am looking for…Hell...hounds…aaand summon.
SOUND: Ars Socia app sound and then summoning noise.
Glasya-Labolas: It is I, Glasya-Labolas, Terror of the Free Peoples. I return to your mortal coil. This building isn't within fifty feet of a school, is it? There are certain court orders pertaining to my location...
Evelyn: No, no! Bad puppy, bad puppy, Riley why?
Riley: Dogs is dogs, Ev.
Evelyn: But Glasya-Labolas is the worst boy.
Glasya-Labolas: Oh, I’m a bad boy.
Riley & Evelyn: Shut up.
Riley: Alright, listen up, Sticky-Wings. Your new name is Morton Episode 4: A New Hope.
Glasya-Labolas: Oh, discipline. I find this acceptable.
SOUND: Peppermint growls and barks.
Glasya-Labolas: Ah yes, I see you have brought me a new concubine for my harem as an offering. Our passion will be legendary.
Evelyn: Out!
Glasya-Labolas: Nobody ever lets me have fun anymore. Do not summon me again.
SOUND: He disappears.
Riley: He blocked me.
Evelyn: Thank frick. Well, now that you’ve failed at all your attempts to make me jealous of your pets, do you think you can finally-
SOUND: An ad starts playing on Ars Socia. Chipper guitar music.
Todd: [in the ad] Hey everybody! It’s your old pal, Todd - Developer of this very app! Nobody else is buying ad space on here, so I’m doing it myself!
SOUND: Peppermint growls defensively.
Evelyn: Ugh, it’s a Todd ad. Skip it.
Riley: It’s unskippable.
Todd: Do you want a pet, without the guilt of becoming attached before it dies? Then ToddDogs are the animal-adjacent solution for you!
Riley: Hey, wait a minute-
Evelyn: Riley, no.
Riley: Look, Evelyn, a broken clock is right twice a day. Maybe these Todd Dogs are the perfect solution to my problem!
Todd: [in the ad] You’re right, it is! That’s the beauty of targeted advertising.
SOUND: Riley yelps and throws their phone.
Todd: [through phone] Thank you for purchasing your very own ToddDog Version1.4. It’s under your bed, right now. Waiting.
Riley: I’m already beginning to sense this was a mistake.
Evelyn: Check under the bed.
SOUND: Heavy breathing under the bed. Riley pulls the Todd Dog out. Peppermint barks defensively. Evelyn “Eeps!” in horror.
Riley: Alright, everyone...say hi to Morton 5, I fuckin’ guess. Say hi to the listeners, Morton. ToddDog: [wheezing] Kill me….please….
SOUND: Peppermint whimpers.
Evelyn: Yeah, I hate it too, Peppermint.
Riley: Stop judging Morton 5, he’s valid!
SOUND: Riley’s phone buzzes.
Riley: That must be the ToddDog receipt or something. Hold on.
SOUND: Riley looks at their phone.
Riley: Wow, these things come with a user manual. It’s 400 pages long. [reading] “ToddDogs are a great pet-style item for the whole family, but please keep a few important things in mind when taking care of it. Avoid rough play with your ToddDog, as it may break. It won’t actually die, but it will break. Do not get your ToddDog wet. Exposing your ToddDog to temperatures lower than 60 degrees will cause it to go into shock. Do not take your ToddDog to a vet, they can only be treated at the ToddStore by registered ToddDog Todd-nicians.”
Evelyn: They’re way more high maintenance than they sounded in the ad.
Riley: I’ll say! So much can break them or get them sick, but apparently they can’t actually die. [to the ToddDog] Sorry, Morton, ol’ bud dy. ToddDog: [wheeze] My suffering continues.
Evelyn: It looks so...sad.
Riley: Nah, he’s just cold. Let me put him under the first Morton’s heat lamp.
SOUND: Heat lamp flicking on. Melting noises. The ToddDog squeals.
Evelyn: Riley, your ToddDog is melting.
ToddDog: [rasping] I was never meant to live. I am an affront to all that is good and pure.
Riley: Okay, let’s switch off the heat lamp, the fumes are starting to make me feel woozy.
SOUND: Heat lamp switches off. Riley sighs. ToddDog pants.
Riley: You know what? I give up. You and Peppermint win, Ev.
SOUND: Riley slumps down on the bed. Peppermint makes a gentle ruff noise.
Riley: What? Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t you know we’re enemies?
SOUND: Peppermint ruffs again.
Riley: [warming to Peppermint] That thing you’re doing with your eyes, stop that!
SOUND: Peppermint approaches, panting.
Riley: No! Away with you! I didn’t sign up for this.
SOUND: Peppermint lays down.
Evelyn: She’s just laying next to you, Riles. See? I told you she likes you.
SOUND: Peppermint makes affectionate noises.
Riley: God damn it, you weren’t supposed to infiltrate my heart like this. That space is reserved for blood and Kevin Jonas.
SOUND: More cute Peppermint noises.
Riley: [quietly] You are actually kinda cute, I guess. Maybe I was a little harsh on you earlier.
Evelyn: Awww, did somebody make a friend?
Riley: Hey, hey, let’s not go that far. Let’s say...Four-legged associate.
Evelyn: I’ll take that as a win. Don’t you see how much more fun it is when we’re all just having a good time together? We don’t need to compete for affection.
Riley: I guess you’re right. I still feel a little left out by the fact I can’t physically interact with her, though.
Evelyn: Ehhh...Given how Morton one through five went, that’s probably best.
Riley: Hey, I- Actually, no, that’s fair. [Beat] I’m sorry for being all weird and possessive earlier. I don’t want to be, it’s just, Y’know...I’m not used to this. I’ve never really had a friend before, I’m still figuring it all out. It should really come with, like a handbook or something. Like Morton 5.
ToddDog: Death... would be a blessing, and my life is a sin.
Evelyn: It’s okay, Riles. You’ll get there. And for what it’s worth, I think you have a lot more friends and people who care about you than you realise.
SOUND: Peppermint barks and pants happily again.
Riley: You’re not so bad, dog.
Evelyn: You can call her Peppy.
Riley: We’re not quite there yet.
Evelyn: Fair enough. Baby steps.
SOUND: Peppermint barks again.
Evelyn: Good Girl!
Riley: Yeah...Good Girl.
[THE END]
Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Meg Molloy Tuten, Shaun Kingham, and Henry Galley, with additional material by Alex Whitington. With episode art by E.J. Smith and Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Rob O’Dwyer as Glasya-Labolas, Chad Ellis as Todd, Scott Thomas as the ToddDog, and Henry Galley as Sam Sarnie.
Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.
Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!