Riley is contacted by Moxie, an excitable aspiring filmmaker and witch, who wants to adapt The Sword of R’lyeh into an independent movie. However, creative differences soon throw a wrench into the works...

+transcript

SOUND: Panicked fumbling from the microphone being haphazardly grabbed. Riley is in a state of manic excitement.

Riley: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I have the greatest, most important, and most groundbreaking news to share with all of you!

Evelyn: Yeah, tell ‘em, Riles! This is so exciting!

Riley: Your best ghoulfriend has just been contacted by a legit FILMMAKER! That’s right, a maker of films! And she wants to make…

Evelyn: Wait for it…Ghost drumroll! [makes drumroll noises]

Riley: An adaptation of my ingenious fantasy novel, The Sword of R’lyeh, into a real movie! No, maybe even an epic trilogy-- no, octology. I’ve been practicing my Oscar speech all morning. [clears throat] “First of all, fuck you, Mom, for not believing in me. In fact, fuck all--

SOUND: Riley’s Oscar screed is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: “And in conclusion, you can’t silence me, no matter how loud you play that music, because I still have four more hours of speech left!”

Evelyn: I think you got lost in the fantasy there, Riles.

Riley: I’m just planning for possible contingencies, in the event they try to suppress my truths.

Evelyn: [excitedly] So, can I read the email?

Riley: Go for it!

Evelyn: [clears throat] “Dear Mx. Almanzor,” Oh wow, she got your gender right!

Riley: [delighted] Right!? The bar of decency just got a centimeter higher!

Evelyn: It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is! Anyway, “I’m emailing you to say that I’m the biggest fan of your writing and I will fight anyone who says you’re not a genius to the death in single combat!”

Riley: You hear that, listeners? That’s the kind of devotion I want in a fan.

Evelyn: “I’m a practicing witch and a really good filmmaker and I would like to adapt the Sword of R’lyeh into an epic film asdjkdfk--.” I think maybe she fell asleep on the keyboard?

Riley: Whatever. Either way, the audience now understands how incredible an opportunity this is for all life in the universe.

Evelyn: “Sincerely, Moxie Colburn. P.S. I’d love to come down to the morgue and talk about it on your podcast. It’s at a morgue, right? Cause I’m banned from a couple of those. But nobody has to know. See you then. At the morgue. Byeeee!” And then a bunch of emojis. Mostly hearts, kissy lips, and then one of those red Japanese masks with the long noses. Not sure how to interpret that.

Riley: Trust me, it’s good. Also, this is a basement, not a morgue.

Evelyn: This is all so exciting! I love it when we have intentional guests!

Riley: Yeah! I wonder when they’ll get here. How do I look? Is my hair alright?

Mox: Your hair is perfect, you look amazing, and I’m already here! Jazz hands!

SOUND: Riley & Evelyn scream.

Mox: Oh no! Did I startle you!?

Riley: No, I’m screaming with excitement.

Evelyn: Me too!

SOUND: All three of them scream.

Mox: Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get right down to business. I’m so excited to meet both of you--

SOUND: Riley screams again, by themself.

Riley: I’m sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Please continue.

Mox: No, no! Screams are good! I love screams!

Evelyn: So this is Moxie?

Mox: Yep! Moxie Colburn at your service! Witch! Filmmaker! Special effects makeup extraordinaire! Part-time Über driver! Full-time Sword of R’lyeh super fan!

Evelyn: Ooh, you can see me! [beat; concerned] Oh no, you’re not a deranged murderer, are you? Or a cosmic being? Or technically undead? Or high on a number of illicit substances?

Mox: [snort laughing] Naw! I brewed up a potion just for this occasion! Took some really specific ingredients, too… Know where I can replenish my supply of Chex mix?

Riley: Walmart, probably. I’ll ask Tiffany. ANYWAY! Let’s talk about this movie. Or trilogy. Or Octology--

Mox: Pentadecalogy!

Riley: The movie.

Mox: The movie!

Evelyn: The movie!

Riley: Let’s talk about it.

Mox: Let’s.

Evelyn: Wow. We’re actually having a normal episode of the podcast for once!

Riley: Hell yeah! Eat my ass, NPR! Everyone knows your name stands for Nationally Pre-approved Reality!

Evelyn: Not true--

Riley: So, how do you wanna do this? How many actors do we need to hire? What scenes are you thinking of including? Tell me every detail I want to hear, exactly how I want to hear it!

Mox: Well! I was thinking of focusing on the Trial of Cord’dra’mah arc. Don’t get me wrong, all of it was dynamite, but the imagery of that part really inspired me.

Riley: Oh, you mean between pages 4,356 and 8,167? Will we include the hunt for Nahog the Terrible or are you thinking of leaving that for the sequel?

Evelyn: I remember beta-reading that part! It had some really interesting word choices!

Mox: OHHHH! Lucky! I would KILL to be able to beta read for the Sword of R’lyeh!

SOUND: Papers rustle excitedly.

Riley: Really? ‘Cause I have my latest manuscript right here!

SOUND: Mox gasps in excitement.

Evelyn: Let’s stay on task, people. We’ve got a movie to make!

Riley: Right, right. I can just email them to you later.

Mox: Down to business! I like that! First step, brainstorming!

Riley: But wait, why would we need to brainstorm? It’s all down there on the page.

Evelyn: Well, it’s an adaptation. What works on the page, doesn’t always translate well to the screen.

Riley: [a little dejected] Oh… Right. That’s… fine. I suppose.

Mox: Think of it like this: The book is its own thing, and so is the movie. That means there will be two whole amazing Sword of R’lyeh things out there in the world when we’re done.

Riley: [perked up] Two Swords of R’lyeh? I do like the sound of that.

Evelyn: Exactly! I’m really proud of how well you’re taking this, Riles.

Riley: Okay so...What’s the first step?

Mox: First, we need to identify the heart and soul of the Sword of R’lyeh! Movies are a lot more streamlined than books, so I think we need to figure out what makes this story work as well as it does. I think the emotional core of the movie will definitely be the friendship between R’lyeh and Eve the Bard.

Evelyn: I like where this is going!

Riley: I mean, that would be a pretty cool aspect to have in the film. It’s been really fun to write! But what about all the action, and the set pieces, and all the scenes of R’lyeh being a genius and a badass?

Mox: Those can still be in there! My friend Yoga Keith knows Taekwondo, karate, and Wii Sports, so he can be the on-set stunt coordinator.

Evelyn: And I know first aid from girl scouts if anyone gets injured!

Riley: I’m going to play R’lyeh, obviously.

Mox: Have you ever acted on camera before?

Riley: No, but I normally stare straight ahead into the wall when we’re recording the show, so I just have to face the camera, right?

Mox: Yes! With as much eye contact with the camera as possible. Really make the audience feel seen!

Riley: I always thought all the best parts of movies were when the actors look directly at the screen, so I’m glad that I’m hearing it confirmed by a real filmmaker.

Mox: Anyone who knows their stuff will tell you, acting is all in the eyes and nowhere else.

Evelyn: Which is good because Riley is like, 90% eyes.

Mox: I know! It’s captivating!

Riley: Where will we get the armor? It has to be authentic medieval pig iron.

Mox: Yoga Keith is also a blacksmith.

Evelyn: We’re learning some fascinating things about your friend Keith, Moxie.

Mox: Yoga Keith. Oh, also, I had a few teeny, tiny, itty bitty ideas for plot alterations, just to ease the transition. How do you feel about cowboys?

Riley: Hate ‘em.

Mox: How do you feel about cowboys in Sword of R’lyeh?

Riley: Don’t like it.

Mox: I hear what you’re saying, but what if the Sword of R’lyeh had cowboys in it!

Riley: [pained struggle noises] What are your other ideas? I’m being open-minded.

Evelyn: [whispering] Proud of you!

Mox: You know the orcs R’lyeh fights on the Wall of Martia?

Riley: Actually, it’s In the Wall of Martia, it’s more a conceptual wall, but yes, I remember the orcs I wrote.

Mox: Well, I was thinking, “orcs as enemies” is such a played-out trope. What if… they were friends coming to help R’lyeh in a time of need?

Evelyn: Awww, that sounds nice.

Riley: [frustrated] But then who is R’lyeh going to suplex in that scene? They’re not even in a time of need if they don’t have orcs to fight!

Mox: I always saw R’lyeh’s real battle as being more of an internal struggle against their own insecurities.

Riley: [indignant] It is not! It is an external fight against orcs inside of a giant fuck-off wall!

Evelyn: Didn’t you just say that The Wall was conceptual?

Riley: Film is a visual medium! The Wall can be real, and I’m the writer, so that’s that.

Mox: There’ll still be other action scenes, though! I have this amazing idea!

Riley: I’m listening…

Mox: R’lyeh falls… into a snake pit!

[beat]

Riley: What?

Mox: Snake pit! A pit of snakes! Snakes in a pit. A bunch of little guys down there. Snake pit. R’lyeh falls into it.

Riley: No.

Mox: [devastated] But… But why not…?

Riley: Because it’s stupid! Riley- I mean, R’lyeh is too cool and genius-brained to ever fall into a snake pit, like some dunce in that adventure game I can’t beat. Plus, if R’lyeh fell into a snake pit, which they wouldn’t, they’d actually enjoy it, because they’d just eat all the snakes!

Mox: [scandalized gasp] How dare you! What did those innocent little noodles ever do to R’lyeh?

Riley: Calling them noodles doesn’t make them less edible!

Evelyn: Wait, can we back up? Isn’t the point of a snake pit that it’s dangerous?

Mox: Well, this would be more of a friendly snake pit… Still lots of blood and violence, but from the fall!

Riley: I thought you were a fan! R’lyeh’s armor grants them various sorceries that include immunity to fall damage.

Mox: I don’t remember that in the book.

Evelyn: [whispers] Riley, you’re confusing your book’s canon with your D&D character.

Riley: There’s only one canon, Evelyn! And it’s whatever I say it is! I am the author! Master of story-craft! You think you can point a camera at my brain and make it do the chicken dance, well, no way! I don’t need this! [beat] Wait… Actually, I do need this. [sigh] I’m gonna go stand outside for a minute and calm down. Sorry.

SOUND: Riley leaves, the door slams behind them.

Mox: [hesitant, sad] I feel like I messed everything up… Did I mess everything up?

Evelyn: No, it’s okay! I actually really liked a lot of your ideas. And I’m sure Riley will come around eventually, too, they’re just a little bit precious with their stories, and they’re slow to adapt to change, too. How about we workshop some of those ideas?

Mox: [perked right back up] Yeah? I’d love to! I have so many more!

Evelyn: I’ve got some ideas too! Like what if Eve the Bard got more songs?

Mox: Oh! Eve can narrate the epic final battle… through song!

Evelyn: Yes! And maybe she helps R’lyeh defeat the Dark Lord through the power of friendship!

Mox: Yes, yes, yes! Then we’ll get started on the screen test--

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Ominous music, serious tone.

News Reporter: A series of violent and unexplained murders in the Tallahassee metro area has been leaving police shocked and horrified. Bodies torn apart, heads crushed, and the one thing in common has been an open box of the controversial new cereal, “Psych-O’s”, on the kitchen table...

SOUND: Cut to edgy, giggling, 90s-style cereal mascot: Killer Joe.

Killer Joe: Hey kids! It’s Killer Joe, and I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna go crazy for a fresh box of Psych-O’s, the only cereal packed full of pure PCP, for the cereal-killers in your life! You’ll do anything to get them - lie to your parents, hurt your friends, shoplift from the local supermarket, and more. They taste just that good.

SOUND: A bound, gagged victim lets out a muffled cry.

Killer Joe: Ooh! Somebody’s hungry! And it’s only been five minutes since his sixth bowl of Psych-O’s, but who am I to deny a guest what he wants?

SOUND: Maniacal laughter. Nasty noises. Screaming. Cut back to News Reporter.

News Reporter: Psych-O’s, they’re literally addictive. Keep them away from your kids today.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

SOUND: People walking & talking around. The slight echo of a more cavernous studio space. Noises of Moxie playing with equipment.

Yoga Keith: [quietly but with force; in the background] High kick! Hiyah! Karate! Reach for the sun!

Evelyn: We’re here at the set Moxie rented out! It’s really cool, and I’m hoping Riley will turn up sometime soon. They’re missing Yoga Keith’s awesome fight choreography demonstration!

Yoga Keith: [battle exertion noises]

Evelyn: He’s so flexible!

Mox: I know. What a hunk’a eye candy, huh?

Evelyn: How is all the equipment coming along, Moxie?

Mox: We’re looking real good! I’ve got the cameras, stands, lights, snacks, death lasers... Just need the star to show up now!

SOUND: The door is kicked down.

Riley: Alright, I’m here to save this movie-- Is that a snake pit?

SOUND: Subtle snake hissing.

Riley: They’re so… Small.

Mox: We’ll fix it in post.

Riley: Whatever. I’m here to save this movie with my badass fighting skills and unparalleled knowledge of the source material!

Evelyn: Yay! So Riley, Moxie and I talked it over, and I’m actually going to be the assistant director--

Mox: It’s going to be amazing! I’ve never had an assistant director before!

Riley: So who’s going to be playing Eve the Bard, then? Mox: Yoga Keith is!

Yoga Keith: Hiyah! [strums mandolin]

Riley: [impressed] He is undeniably limber. For a human. But why can’t you play her? The book isn’t autobiographical, but you’d be perfect for the part - by sheer coincidence.

Evelyn: Awww! I’d love to, but the cameras would have trouble tracking me with my whole… being dead thing.

Mox: And besides, this is only a screen test, we won’t be using it for the final movie. So Yoga Keith is just acting as a temporary stand-in before full casting. Right, YK?

Yoga Keith: HIYAH!

SOUND: Yoga Keith karate chops a block of wood in half.

Evelyn: Whoa, he just karate chopped a whole block of wood in half, he’s perfect!

Mox: Yeah, he does things like that.

Riley: And now it’s my turn to do something cool. What scene is this?

Mox: This is the battle of the Wall of Martia.

Riley: Where’s the wall?

Mox: We’ll fix it in post.

Riley: And why is there a snake pit at the Wall of Martia? Which, by the way, is a paddling pool full of about eight of the least threatening snakes I’ve ever seen.

SOUND: More quiet hissing.

Mox: Like I said, we’ll fix that in post.

Evelyn: While you were taking that break, Mox and I did a first draft of the script. I actually took a screenwriting elective in college, so I remembered a lot of the formatting.

Mox: You should see the ending she wrote. It made me cry for like, five whole hours! Then I took a lunch break, then I cried for like, another whole five hours. Then I had to call up my best friend to tell her I loved her, and now we’re here. I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Riley: That’s great and all, but people don’t watch movies to cry, they watch them to see the lives of cool strangers they wish they were. Speaking of, where’s my armor?

SOUND: Clanking as Yoga Keith approaches, holding the armor.

Yoga Keith: This pig iron was really difficult to work with, but I think I’ve finally got it. For aesthetics, I mixed a little of Geoffroi de Charny with a touch of William of Poitiers for texture. What do you guys think? Riley: [trembling voice] It’s… perfect... Wow, guys… This is kind of really coming together. I think this might actually work ou--

SOUND: Distant explosion.

Riley: What the f--

Mox: Aw, the special effects wagon blew up... I knew I shouldn’t have put the plastic explosives next to all those torches, but I couldn’t afford to rent a bigger wagon. Most of my money went towards the snake pits.

Riley: Why do you have plastic explosives?

Evelyn: For the car chase that Mox and I wrote into act two.

Riley: Excuse me? Cars? That’s not a part of the book, that’s a Pixar movie!

Mox: Exactly! No one knows how to drive in medieval times, which is why they all crash and explode! Except for R’lyeh, who’s smart and talented enough to know they should be on a horse.

Evelyn: You can add the explosions back in during post-production, right?

Mox: Post-production solves everything!

Riley: I’ll admit, that’s pretty rad, but it still spits in the face of historical accuracy, and I can’t pretend I’m fully comfortable with that.

Evelyn: But Riley, everyone knows orcs went extinct around the tenth century, and you still include them despite The Sword of R’lyeh clearly being set in the late medieval period.

Riley: That’s totally different, and you know it! Why did you add so much stuff?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been re-reading Save the Cat, and it says that it’s important to have conflict and rising action in Act 2, or the audience will get bored. In the original story, a lot of it is inner monologue about how great R’lyeh is, which doesn’t translate very well to the screen.

Riley: Haven’t you ever heard of narration? All the best movies use it!

Mox: You’re right! I’ll add it in post. Anyway, put your armor on, we’re almost ready to start filming!

Riley: But I don’t know my lines. Or where to stand.

Mox: You don’t need it, you just need to feel it! I believe in you!

SOUND: Clanking & shuffling as Riley puts on the armor and gets in place.

Riley: Okay. Here I am. What now?

Yoga Keith: Don’t forget your sword, I forged it this morning.

SOUND: He throws Riley the sword. They catch it.

Riley: Thanks, Yoga Keith.

Yoga Keith: No biggie.

Mox: Alright, I’m rolling. Say the line!

Riley: What line?

Evelyn: The line, Riles!

Riley: I don’t know what line it is! I was never given a script!

Yoga Keith: [whispering to Riley] Hark, an army appears doth yonder.

Riley: The army can wait, I need to figure out this line, Yoga Keith!

Mox: Okay, okay, maybe they just need to be read in. Keith, take it from the top!

SOUND: Mandolin strum.

Yoga Keith: [in character] Oh my strong and dear friend, R’lyeh, how fortuitous it is that there is no army to be seen. This means we will have more time to do taekwondo. Hiyah!

Evelyn: Great job, Yoga Keith! Just like we rehearsed!

Riley: Wait, you had rehearsals? When? Also, none of this is in the book!

Mox: We rehearsed from about six in the morning ‘til about five minutes before you walked in.

Yoga Keith: You were a few hours late, so I played all the parts.

Riley: A stick got caught in my scooter’s wheel, sue me! Can I at least see a script before we film anymore?

Mox: Good, that’s just how we wrote it! Now jump into the snake pit!

Riley: THAT was the correct line?

Evelyn: We went very postmodern with our adaptation, like Charlie Kaufman! Yoga Keith, next line! You can do it, buddy!

SOUND: Mandolin strum.

Yoga Keith: [in-character] Stride forth, my brave and noble friend R’lyeh, for there is no unexpected snake pit that you will most certainly fall into!

Riley: I have fall damage immunity! And my eyes are too good to miss that stupid rubber snake pit.

Mox: The snakes are real! And they have names! That’s Freddy, Jason, Dracula, Elvira, Chucky--

Riley: I’m not falling in the stupid pit! It’s not gonna happen!

Evelyn: Do the R’lyeh voice, Riley! Like at D&D! It’ll help immerse people in the scene!

Riley: I would if I knew my fucking lines! Script! Please!

Yoga Keith: [whispering to Riley] Eve, my trusty bard. Fetch me my finest chainmail for this upcoming battle. But before that, sing me a song to boost mineth spirits.

Riley: Again, Keith, I can’t respond to Eve’s lines if I don’t know what mine are!

Yoga Keith: [whispering louder to Riley] The army approaches even more so than it had previously approached. Somehow.

Riley: I don’t like that Eve is getting all the coolest lines. I’m feeling upstaged.

Evelyn: Those are your lines, Rile-- R’lyeh!

Riley: [unsure] The army approaches--

SOUND: Frantic mandolin strumming

Yoga Keith: The army is here! Everyone who isn’t as cool as you, my strong and perfect friend R’lyeh, must retreat!

Mox: [frantic, excited] Cue the thunder!

SOUND: Thunder booms overhead. All lines are shouted over the storm.

Riley: Is… Is it raining in here? What!?

Mox: Magic! It isn’t real-real! Keep going!

Riley: The army is--

Evelyn: Next line!

Riley: What is it?

Mox: It’s the Smoking Ents of T’iffany!

Riley: What? No, not those-- But where are they, anyway?

Mox: We’ll add it in post!

Evelyn: It’s stunt time, Riles! Do your thing!

Riley: Where? What? How? And don’t say anything about a snake pit if you want to keep your heads!

Yoga Keith: Don’t worry! It’s a stage sword!

Riley: A stage sword!? [breaks into a frustrated, feral scream] I can’t work under these conditions! This is bullshit, all of it! This stupid set!

SOUND: Riley grunts with exertion as they smash up the set with their sword.

Riley: This whole place is nothing but a big lie! A giant interwoven web of lies and deceit! And deception! I’ll tear it all down!

SOUND: Frantic mandolin music.

Mox: Wow, that stage sword is doing a lot of damage. YK really pulled out all the stops with that one.

Evelyn: They’re destroying the whole set! Keep playing, Yoga Keith! The music will calm them!

SOUND: The mandolin builds in intensity.

Yoga Keith: [panicked] I’ve got blisters on my fingers!

Mox: Toes! Toes, Yoga Keith, use your toes!

SOUND: Swoosh! Riley’s sword swings through the air. They continue to flail wildly and smash up the room around them.

Riley: Nothing will survive my wrath!

Evelyn: Do the voice, Riley! I believe in you!

Riley: [unintelligible angry yelling]

Mox: What are they doing?

Riley: I defy you, snake pit!

SOUND: Riley picks up the snake pit and flips it. Snakes go flying. Panicked hisses.

Mox: Oh no! My babies!

Riley: Slither away, you stupid freeloaders! Everyone betrayed me! I’m fed up with this world! [continues to scream]

Evelyn: [concerned] Riley!

Mox: Yoga Keith! Use your taekwondo, it’s our only hope!

Yoga Keith: I can’t play mandolin and do taekwondo at the same time! Curse my limited talent! I’m a failure! Don’t look at me!

SOUND: Mandolin drops to the floor. Yoga Keith runs away crying.

Evelyn: Yoga Keith, no! We’re nothing without you!

Riley: I am the flaming sword of justice! There is no escape!

SOUND: Riley smashes more things. Explosions. Mox and Evelyn scream. Audio cuts out.

[BEAT]

SOUND: The audio clicking back on. They’re back in the basement.

Mox: I had a lot of fun on-set last week! So, I’ve spent the last few days cleaning up the footage, and I think you’re really gonna like what you see. I did a lot of re-reading of the Sword of R’lyeh, and I’ve really narrowed down the spirit of the series.

Evelyn: That’s so cool! How are you feeling, Riley?

Riley: Better now. I was a little upset at the time, but all that senseless destruction was great for releasing pent-up rage. So, let’s see what you managed to salvage from that unmitigated disaster of a screen test.

SOUND: Click as Mox hits play.

[SWORD OF R’LYEH MOVIE BEGINS - ALL S.O.R AUDIO IS ITALICIZED/BOLDED. R’lyeh’s audio is pitched down slightly, and Eve the Bard’s is pitched up. All lines are repurposed audio from the prior sequence]

SOUND: Mandolin music fades in. Epic fantasy ambiance.

R’lyeh: I am the flaming sword of justice!

SOUND: Thunder. Swords clash epically.

Riley: Holy shit… That’s the Wall of Martia! And R’lyeh looks so cool!

Eve the Bard: Stride forth, my brave and noble friend R’lyeh, for there is no unexpected snake pit that you will most certainly fall into!

SOUND: Fearsome hissing of hell serpents

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, the snakes are huge!

R’lyeh: I defy you, snake pit!

SOUND: R’lyeh strikes at the snakes.

R’lyeh: Slither away!

Riley: [really getting into it] Yes, yes! Get ‘em!

Eve the Bard: The army is here! Everyone who isn’t as cool as you, my strong and perfect friend R’lyeh must retreat!

R’lyeh: Nothing will survive my wrath! [unintelligible angry yelling]

SOUND: The most epic battle you’ve ever heard. R’lyeh wins, of course.

Mox: [as an enemy soldier, pitched down] Wow, that [obvious cut] sword is doing a lot of damage.

Evelyn: They’re destroying the whole [obvious cut] Yoga Keith: army [obvious cut] Evelyn: We’re nothing!

Evelyn: Oh wow, that’s me! Mostly!

Riley: [completely enraptured] Shhhh! I don’t want to miss a second of this!

SOUND: The awesome battle continues. Occasional dragon noises. Intense mandolin.

R’lyeh: There is no escape!

Eve the Bard: I’ve got blisters on my fingers!

SOUND: Whale noises.

R’lyeh: This whole place is nothing but a big lie! A giant interwoven web of lies and deceit! And deception! I’ll tear it all down!

SOUND: They ride the space whale away to the moon.

[MOVIE ENDS!]

Riley: [in disbelief] That’s… the whale. They got the space whale.

Mox: Told you I’d fix it in post.

Evelyn: How did you do all that?

Mox: Editing and special effects magic. [beat] [gigglesnorts] Well, mostly magic.

Riley: [awe; joy] This...is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! You two actually made the Sword of R’lyeh even cooler than it already was! And I didn’t even think that was possible! The fucking sword and the armor and the Wall of Martia and the armies and even the stupid fucking snakes were somehow cool as shit!

Evelyn: But hey, it wouldn’t have been possible if you didn’t bring so much passion to the table, Riles. That’s the beauty of group projects: Everyone makes it possible together.

Mox: Though working with an awesome filmmaker helps too, of course. [beat] I’m talking about me.

Riley: I don’t even know what to say. This is the best thing ever. I wanna watch it again right now. Can we watch it again right now?

Evelyn: Maybe wait until after we record, for the sake of the listeners.

Riley: That’s fair. Will there be more of this?

Mox: I mean, I’m not opposed to making more! Oh! And the next one can have even more explosions! And snakes! And it’ll be called the Rage of R’lyeh!

Evelyn: And more Eve the Bard, too! If Yoga Keith wants to reprise the role.

Mox: You know Yoga Keith, he’s down for anything.

Riley: You know what? That makes two of us. Now let’s wrap this up, I wanna watch it again!

SOUND: Riley clicks “Play”.

[SWORD OF R’LYEH MOVIE BEGINS]

SOUND: Mandolin music fades in. Epic fantasy ambiance.

R’lyeh: I am the flaming sword of justice!

SOUND: Thunder. Swords clash epically.

[END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Shaun Kingham, Gus Zagarella, and Henry Galley. With episode art by Shaun Kingham and Jasper Taylor. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Kelly Nugent as Mox, Zane Schacht as Yoga Keith, Henry Galley as Killer Joe, and Scott Thomas as The Newsreader.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Evelyn collects the soul of her beloved dog, Peppermint, from the afterlife. Riley, feeling jealous, tries to get a pet of their own.

+transcript

SOUND: Cheerful barking and panting.

Evelyn: Good puppy, good puppy!

SOUND: Dog barks again.

Evelyn: Hey listeners, so we’ve got maybe the most special guest of all time on today’s episode! Let me introduce you to Peppermint, the dog that Olivia and I had when we lived together!

SOUND: Peppermint pants.

Evelyn: Since I’m free to travel between afterlives now, I decided as a treat I’d go check out Dog Heaven. By the way- Don Bluth was right, they’re all there. Every single dog. Including, the best dog ever, isn’t that right? Hey? Hey? Bark if you’re the best dog ever!

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Good Peppermint! Riley’s gone to the store to pick up more cherry-flavored AA Batteries, so this is gonna be a big surprise for them. And before you say anything- it’s fine, Peppermint is totally incorporeal. Riley can’t do anything bad. That’s an official Evelyn Hooper guarantee! The one downside to Peppy’s ghostliness is that she can’t fetch the ball, but that’s okay, since we can still play her favourite game- wrestles!

SOUND: Peppermint growling and snorting playfully, dog collar jangling.

Evelyn: I’m gonna getcha! I’m gonna getcha! Who’s a big, tough girl? Is it you? It’s you!

SOUND: Door opens, shopping bag dropped to the floor.

Riley: What the fuck am I looking at here, Ev?

SOUND: Peppermint barking defensively.

Evelyn: It’s okay, down, girl! That’s just my best two-legged friend, Riley! They can be a little intimidating, but trust me, they’re friendly when you get to know them!

SOUND: Peppermint snorts.

Evelyn: Riley, I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine, Peppermint! Riley: See, people say I can’t go around eating their pets, but then start naming them after flavours! Where’s the logic here? I can’t win! Evelyn: You seem less impressed than I’d hoped. Riley: Why should I be impressed by a ghost dog? Evelyn: I got her a day pass from dog heaven so we could hang out! Riley: I imagine I have a lot of enemies in dog heaven. Evelyn: I was careful not to mention you by name. Riley: What’s so great about Peppermint? Evelyn: What’s so great about her? Look at her, Riley! Look at her! Peppermint, sit!

SOUND: Peppermint sitting.

Evelyn: Good dog! Now speak!

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Good Peppy girl! Now roll over!

SOUND: Dog tag jangling.

Evelyn: Good girl, good girl, Peppermint! Oh, you’re so smart! Yes, yes you are! Riley: Big deal, I can do all that shit, and nobody ever gave me a participation trophy. Evelyn: You have higher brain functions, Riles! Riley: Ha! So you admit I’m smarter than a dog. Evelyn: I live in hope that you are. Riley: Why do you need this dumb dog, when you have me! I’m smart, I can talk, I’m housebroken, I can eat things and then assume their forms. I could be any animal, if you give me enough time and a skeleton key to the local zoo. Evelyn: I know, but Peppermint is my dog. Riley: So? Evelyn: She’s….my dog. Riley: Yeah, exactly, she’s a dog. Evelyn: My dog! She’s like a member of my family.

[ Beat ]

Riley: Oh, right, that’s a good thing for some people. Yeah, okay, I get it. Evelyn: Riley, are you jealous of Peppermint? Riley: What? Of course not. Jealousy is beneath me. Evelyn: It’s okay, Riles, I won’t let you be a third wheel. You can play with Peppermint too! Riley: Dogs don’t like me. Evelyn: Peppermint’s a ghost, it’s fine. Let her sniff your hand. Riley: Alright…

SOUND: Peppermint sniffs.

Riley: I can’t read dog body language. What’s she thinking, Evelyn?

Evelyn: She likes you!

Riley: You’re just saying that to make me feel better, I bet she doesn’t actually.

Evelyn: Riley, she’s a dog. She can’t lie.

Riley: Dogs can absolutely lie. They can be assholes, too. Haven’t you ever seen those class traitors from Paw Patrol?

Evelyn: That’s a cartoon, for babies.

Riley: There’s elements of truth to every cartoon, Ev. It’s how they indoctrinate the youth.

Evelyn: Look, why don’t you try playing with Peppermint for a minute, let her get used to you.

Riley: [sighs] Urrgh, fine. Umm, hey Peppermint, catch.

SOUND: Riley throws a ball. It phases through Peppermint, who whines in disappointment.

Evelyn: What did you think she was gonna catch that with?

Riley: Well, I got nothing.

Evelyn: I’m sure we’ll find a way you can interact with Peppermint. Because she wants to play with you, I’m sure she does. Hey? Hey, Peps? You wanna play with Riley, right?

SOUND: Peppermint pants.

Evelyn: You’re so friendly! You’re so friendly, arentcha, girl? Who’s a friendly puppy?

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Who’s a friendly puppy ? Is it you? Is it Peppermint?

SOUND: Evelyn devolves into unintelligible baby talk. Peppermint pants happily and her tag jingles as Evelyn pets her.

Riley: Those weren’t words, Ev.

Evelyn: [demon voice] It’s been seventeen years since I’ve gotten to pet a dog, let me have this!

Riley: Okay, okay! Jeez. Bite my fucking head off, why don’t you.

SOUND: Peppermint whines.

Evelyn: It’s okay, girl, I’m not mad at you! I love my lil’ Peppy-Beppy!

Riley: I’m sick of this! If Evelyn’s gonna ignore me to fawn over some stupid animal, I’ll just….I’ll get my own pet! See how she likes it.

Evelyn: Did you say something, Riley?

Riley: Enough of this! I’m leaving.

SOUND: Riley storms up the stairs and out the door.

-- [ WEIRD AD TIME ] SOUND: Cheerful music.

Sam: Are you overwhelmed by flavor? Do you think boiling is the superior cooking method? Do you like breakfasts that make you think ‘Oh, what the heck, nobody lives forever’?

Hello, America! I’m Sam Sarnie, co-founder of Sam and Ella’s Original British Supermarket - Bringing you all the taste, or lack thereof, of England! We’ve got all your favorites from across, and sometimes even in, the pond!

Like spotted dick, mucky drippings, rumbledethumps, boiled shoe, racism, coal, sparkling drippings, toad in the hole, the palest blancmange you’ve ever seen, neeps, teabags on toast, tatties, a yorkshire pudding who’s just asking questions about the validity of nonbinary genders, limescale, Dr Who, Cheddar and VAT, BREXIT, percy pig crackling, drippings classic, and premium Chip Butties - Now with more Butts!

So come on down to Sam and Ella’s Original British Supermarket, now opening its first American location, in memory of dear Ella, who died of food poisoning. I miss you, my love. And you won’t want to miss these incredible deals! Sam and Ella’s Original British Supermarket: We’re open!

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

--

SOUND: Evelyn is still playing with an excited Peppermint. A door slams in the distance and Riley descends into the basement. Thud as Riley drops an iguana.

Riley: Here, look upon this wretched thing!

Evelyn: Riley, is that an iguana?

SOUND: The iguana hisses, Peppermint growls.

Riley: This is Morton, the Sovereign of The Moon. I found him hibernating in the bushes and claimed him as my own. I took him to the pet store and got him all the required accoutrements. We’ve fucking bonded or whatever. Bet your dumb dog is feeling pretty dumb now, huh?

Evelyn: Riley, are you just trying to make my dog jealous?

Riley: Depends, is it working?

Evelyn: No, Riley, she’s a dog. She’s just watched you walk down the stairs, drop a two foot lizard on the desk and say a bunch of things that she has no context for.

Riley: She’s jealous, I can sense it. I bet you’re jealous too.

Evelyn: Why would I be jealous?

Riley: Because I have a bitchin’ pet iguana and you don’t. I’m probably even a better pet owner than you.

Evelyn: You’re eating the iguana right now.

Riley: [mouth full] AND WHAT OF IT?

SOUND: Riley gulps.

Riley: Iguanas are invasive anyway, the government would thank me. Not that I want their approval. [Burps]

Evelyn: That was your pet, Riley.

[Beat]

Riley: Oh, fuck, Morton! What am I gonna do with all his accoutrements?

Evelyn: Well...anyway...While you were out, I wanted to see if I could still get Peppermint to do all the tricks that Olivia and I taught her. And guess what? She can! Watch this! Peppermint!

SOUND: Peppermint barks.

Evelyn: Peppy, let’s sing a song for Riley! [encouraging] Awoo! Awooo!

SOUND: Peppermint howls for an extremely long time.

Evelyn: Good girl, Peppy! Thank you! Riley, thank her.

Riley: [emotionless] Thank you for that terrible song, Peppermint.

Evelyn: Do you wanna see if you can get her to do any tricks? She can sit, beg, speak, sing, roll over, shake hands…

Riley: Can she subscribe to patreon, or is freeloading one of her tricks, too?

Evelyn: Riley, stop being such a grump. Ask Peppermint to do something.

Riley: Alright, fine. Uh...Peppermint....sit.

SOUND: Dog collar jingling.

Riley: Riveting. Now, stay there and stop hogging all the air time!

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: I’m sorry, Evelyn, but I will not take being usurped in my own home! I’m going off to find another pet. Then you’ll be sorry!

Evelyn: Fine, don’t eat this one.

Riley: You don’t know me!

Evelyn: Yes I do!

SOUND: Riley leaves. Peppermint whines.

Evelyn: Aw, it’s okay, girl. Riley just doesn’t like new things. They’ll get used to you.

SOUND: Peppermint barks. Riley returns.

Riley: I present you with my next pet!

SOUND: Cat yowling. It’s gurgling and guttural. Pack a day smoker cat voice.

Evelyn: I swear to gosh, Riley, if you eat that cat I will possess you and force you to throw it back up.

Riley: I just ate a whole iguana, Evelyn, I think I’m good until dinner. Anyway, me and this cat are bonding. Look.

SOUND: The cat babbles angrily and scratches Riley. Riley hisses in pain.

Evelyn: [sarcastic] Wow. You’re so bonded. What’s its name?

Riley: Well, according to the tag, it’s Fugly. But that’s a stupid name. I think her new name is gonna be….Morton 2, Heir to the Moon.

Evelyn: She has a tag?

Riley: Yes.

Evelyn: That’s someone else’s cat! You just stole someone else’s cat!

Riley: It’s civil asset forfeiture!

Evelyn: That’s absolutely not what that means! What if the owner comes looking for it?

Riley: Cats go missing all the time, I should know.

Evelyn: I love you, Riley, but sometimes, you make it hard. Maybe try petting her.

SOUND: Riley pets. Fugly’s babbling turns to purring. It sounds like a lawn mower on fire.

Evelyn: Well, at least she looks kinda happy for now….

Riley: That’s because we’re bonded, Evelyn! I can practically read her thoughts.

[beat]

Riley: She wants Peppermint to leave.

Evelyn: Stop putting mean words in the cat’s mouth! Peppermint is great with cats, one of her best friends was a tabby.

Riley: Well, not this one. A dog killed her mom for drug money when she was just a kitten. Ever since then, she’s harbored a deadly grudge...

Evelyn: Riley!

SOUND: Fugly begins to softly yowl.

Riley: [yelling] Stop yelling, Evelyn! You’re gonna scare the cat! Oh, fuck-

SOUND: Fugly begins to slice and dice Riley to ribbons. Screeching and hissing. She is extremely upset. Riley is genuinely frightened.

Riley: Shit, shit, I’m being betrayed! Ouch!

SOUND: Fugly runs off. The jingle of her bell collar fades.

Riley: Now you’re just leaving!? I thought what we had was special! [beat] I’m never being kind to a cat again. It’s not worth it.

Evelyn: That’s what you get when you kidnap poor innocent animals, Riles.

Riley: We wouldn’t even be in this situation if it wasn’t for Peppermint! This is all her fault!

Evelyn: What!? Come on, Riley, can you just let it go? Don’t be jealous of Peppermint, she’s a dog! She’ll never replace you in my heart, even though she is the most special dog in the whole wide world!

SOUND: Peppermint pants and rolls over.

Evelyn: Aww, does someone want a tummy rub? Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl?

SOUND: Evelyn scratches Peppermint’s belly.

Evelyn: Look at her leg twitching, isn’t she just the best?

Riley: The cuteness has no power over me. She’s on thin fucking ice, Ev.

Evelyn: So, what, you’re gonna go get another pet?

Riley: [defensive] N-no! Shut up, that’s not even what my plan is !

Evelyn: Riley, I can see you walking up the stairs to leave.

Riley: [distantly] No, I’m going to...return some videotapes.

Evelyn: Oh, fair en- wait. I thought VHS tapes were obsolete now.

Riley: [super quick] Sorry Ev, can’t hear you, bye!

SOUND: Door slamming.

Evelyn: They’re going to get another pet. I’ll pause the recording.

SOUND: Stop, Start. Riley returns.

Riley: Get ready to get shitted on, Hooper. I found an absolutely foolproof pet. I went to the local petsmart, and I asked them for the least edible pet they had. And the guy there gave me this. I present to you, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift.

SOUND: Eldritch noises. Audio glitching.

Evelyn: That’s great, but, uh….what is it?

Riley: I dunno, it’s like….you know, it’s a thing.

Evelyn: A thing?

Riley: Yeah. You know. It’s one of those….things.

Evelyn: Alright, I guess. So, uh...do you wanna see if Morton and Peppermint get along?

Riley: I mean, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift is my pet, but sure.

SOUND: Eldritch noises. Peppermint growls and barks.

Evelyn: They don’t seem to like each other.

Riley: Fine. You play with your pet, and I’ll play with mine. C’mere, Morton the 3rd: Tokyo Drift. Let’s talk to the listeners about the immutable power of the Deep State-

SOUND: The audio gets extremely garbled and unintelligible as Morton approaches the mic.

SOUND: The episode cuts back in.

Evelyn: I’m so glad you returned that pet to the store, Riles.

Riley: Yeah, me too. I didn’t realise how badly it was gonna break reality around it.

Evelyn: Plus, it really didn’t get along with Peppermint.

Riley: [deadpan] What a tragedy.

Evelyn: Oh, come on, Riley. Give her a chance. She’s a good dog, and she’ll be your friend if you let her!

SOUND: Calculator, shuffling papers, Peppermint woofs happily.

Evelyn: See, Riley? She loves you, she’s filing your taxes!

Riley: I’m so sick of this fucking dog! [mocking] Oh, the dog’s singing a song! Oh, she’s doing your taxes! Oh, she’s unified Korea and brokered peace in the middle east! [normal] Gimme a break!

Evelyn: Riley, you’re blowing this way out of proportion.

Riley: No I’m not! You’re my best friend, god damn it, and by being my best friend you’ve implicitly agreed to not have any other friends! Exclusivity! That’s how it works in this capitalist hellhole we call society!

Evelyn: Even if that were true-

Riley: And it is!

Evelyn: No. Even if that were true, I cannot stress this enough, Peppermint is my dog. I love her, but the nature of our relationship is fundamentally different. Yes, I can wrestle with Peppermint, and I can rub her belly and scratch her lil’ puppy chin, but I can’t discuss Professor Huh fan theories, or argue about music, or play board games, or host my podcast with her! You can have more than one friend, Riley! In fact, I strongly encourage you to try it.

Riley: Sorry, were you saying something? I was waiting for Ars Socia to boot up so I could get a dog of my own. [typing] I am looking for…Hell...hounds…aaand summon.

SOUND: Ars Socia app sound and then summoning noise.

Glasya-Labolas: It is I, Glasya-Labolas, Terror of the Free Peoples. I return to your mortal coil. This building isn't within fifty feet of a school, is it? There are certain court orders pertaining to my location...

Evelyn: No, no! Bad puppy, bad puppy, Riley why?

Riley: Dogs is dogs, Ev.

Evelyn: But Glasya-Labolas is the worst boy.

Glasya-Labolas: Oh, I’m a bad boy.

Riley & Evelyn: Shut up.

Riley: Alright, listen up, Sticky-Wings. Your new name is Morton Episode 4: A New Hope.

Glasya-Labolas: Oh, discipline. I find this acceptable.

SOUND: Peppermint growls and barks.

Glasya-Labolas: Ah yes, I see you have brought me a new concubine for my harem as an offering. Our passion will be legendary.

Evelyn: Out!

Glasya-Labolas: Nobody ever lets me have fun anymore. Do not summon me again.

SOUND: He disappears.

Riley: He blocked me.

Evelyn: Thank frick. Well, now that you’ve failed at all your attempts to make me jealous of your pets, do you think you can finally-

SOUND: An ad starts playing on Ars Socia. Chipper guitar music.

Todd: [in the ad] Hey everybody! It’s your old pal, Todd - Developer of this very app! Nobody else is buying ad space on here, so I’m doing it myself!

SOUND: Peppermint growls defensively.

Evelyn: Ugh, it’s a Todd ad. Skip it.

Riley: It’s unskippable.

Todd: Do you want a pet, without the guilt of becoming attached before it dies? Then ToddDogs are the animal-adjacent solution for you!

Riley: Hey, wait a minute-

Evelyn: Riley, no.

Riley: Look, Evelyn, a broken clock is right twice a day. Maybe these Todd Dogs are the perfect solution to my problem!

Todd: [in the ad] You’re right, it is! That’s the beauty of targeted advertising.

SOUND: Riley yelps and throws their phone.

Todd: [through phone] Thank you for purchasing your very own ToddDog Version1.4. It’s under your bed, right now. Waiting.

Riley: I’m already beginning to sense this was a mistake.

Evelyn: Check under the bed.

SOUND: Heavy breathing under the bed. Riley pulls the Todd Dog out. Peppermint barks defensively. Evelyn “Eeps!” in horror.

Riley: Alright, everyone...say hi to Morton 5, I fuckin’ guess. Say hi to the listeners, Morton. ToddDog: [wheezing] Kill me….please….

SOUND: Peppermint whimpers.

Evelyn: Yeah, I hate it too, Peppermint.

Riley: Stop judging Morton 5, he’s valid!

SOUND: Riley’s phone buzzes.

Riley: That must be the ToddDog receipt or something. Hold on.

SOUND: Riley looks at their phone.

Riley: Wow, these things come with a user manual. It’s 400 pages long. [reading] “ToddDogs are a great pet-style item for the whole family, but please keep a few important things in mind when taking care of it. Avoid rough play with your ToddDog, as it may break. It won’t actually die, but it will break. Do not get your ToddDog wet. Exposing your ToddDog to temperatures lower than 60 degrees will cause it to go into shock. Do not take your ToddDog to a vet, they can only be treated at the ToddStore by registered ToddDog Todd-nicians.”

Evelyn: They’re way more high maintenance than they sounded in the ad.

Riley: I’ll say! So much can break them or get them sick, but apparently they can’t actually die. [to the ToddDog] Sorry, Morton, ol’ bud dy. ToddDog: [wheeze] My suffering continues.

Evelyn: It looks so...sad.

Riley: Nah, he’s just cold. Let me put him under the first Morton’s heat lamp.

SOUND: Heat lamp flicking on. Melting noises. The ToddDog squeals.

Evelyn: Riley, your ToddDog is melting.

ToddDog: [rasping] I was never meant to live. I am an affront to all that is good and pure.

Riley: Okay, let’s switch off the heat lamp, the fumes are starting to make me feel woozy.

SOUND: Heat lamp switches off. Riley sighs. ToddDog pants.

Riley: You know what? I give up. You and Peppermint win, Ev.

SOUND: Riley slumps down on the bed. Peppermint makes a gentle ruff noise.

Riley: What? Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t you know we’re enemies?

SOUND: Peppermint ruffs again.

Riley: [warming to Peppermint] That thing you’re doing with your eyes, stop that!

SOUND: Peppermint approaches, panting.

Riley: No! Away with you! I didn’t sign up for this.

SOUND: Peppermint lays down.

Evelyn: She’s just laying next to you, Riles. See? I told you she likes you.

SOUND: Peppermint makes affectionate noises.

Riley: God damn it, you weren’t supposed to infiltrate my heart like this. That space is reserved for blood and Kevin Jonas.

SOUND: More cute Peppermint noises.

Riley: [quietly] You are actually kinda cute, I guess. Maybe I was a little harsh on you earlier.

Evelyn: Awww, did somebody make a friend?

Riley: Hey, hey, let’s not go that far. Let’s say...Four-legged associate.

Evelyn: I’ll take that as a win. Don’t you see how much more fun it is when we’re all just having a good time together? We don’t need to compete for affection.

Riley: I guess you’re right. I still feel a little left out by the fact I can’t physically interact with her, though.

Evelyn: Ehhh...Given how Morton one through five went, that’s probably best.

Riley: Hey, I- Actually, no, that’s fair. [Beat] I’m sorry for being all weird and possessive earlier. I don’t want to be, it’s just, Y’know...I’m not used to this. I’ve never really had a friend before, I’m still figuring it all out. It should really come with, like a handbook or something. Like Morton 5.

ToddDog: Death... would be a blessing, and my life is a sin.

Evelyn: It’s okay, Riles. You’ll get there. And for what it’s worth, I think you have a lot more friends and people who care about you than you realise.

SOUND: Peppermint barks and pants happily again.

Riley: You’re not so bad, dog.

Evelyn: You can call her Peppy.

Riley: We’re not quite there yet.

Evelyn: Fair enough. Baby steps.

SOUND: Peppermint barks again.

Evelyn: Good Girl!

Riley: Yeah...Good Girl.

[THE END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Meg Molloy Tuten, Shaun Kingham, and Henry Galley, with additional material by Alex Whitington. With episode art by E.J. Smith and Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Rob O’Dwyer as Glasya-Labolas, Chad Ellis as Todd, Scott Thomas as the ToddDog, and Henry Galley as Sam Sarnie.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Riley is running an insane fever that’s making them even more delirious and unreasonable than usual. Evelyn, not wanting to see Riley keel over, hires the only doctor who still does house calls - who just happens to be an organ-harvesting serial killer. But is he ready for the Less Is Morgue duo’s insane bullshit?

+transcript

SOUND: A toad loudly croaks.

Riley: [hoarse; unwell] Hey, get away from the mic. This is a podcast, not a Frogcast.

Evelyn: That’s a toad, Riley, you can tell from the size and skin texture.

SOUND: Toad croaks again, getting quieter as Riley picks it up.

Riley: C’mere, you. You’re my only salvation.

Evelyn: Riles, why are we even recording today? You should be resting! Why not go back to playing Mario Kart on your Nintendo? You were this close to beating Rainbow Road!

Riley: It’s called a Switch, Evelyn. And rest is for the feeble. I’m working at peak perf- [violent coughing fit]

SOUND: Intro music. Riley still coughs when it comes back. Splat as Riley coughs something up onto the floor.

Riley: I hope that wasn’t important.

Evelyn: You literally coughed up a lung!

Riley: Yeah, but it’s not my lung. Look at it, it’s pink, it’s probably the mailman. Or that guy who misgendered me at Target.

Evelyn: Will you please return the toad to its natural habitat, and call a licensed medical professional? I’m beginning to think you’re beyond the “chicken soup and bed rest” stage of sickness.

Riley: You know the words “licensed”, “medical”, and “professional” were all made up.

Evelyn: All words are made up, Riley! That’s what language is! Riley: Here’s some language for you: I have the cure, and it starts with this frog going into my mouth.

Evelyn: Counterpoint One: Still a toad. And two: Do you even know why you’re sick in the first place?

Riley: I don’t need to be sick to do something healthy, like eating a raw, uncooked frog, but if I was sick, which I’m not, I wouldn’t be.

Evelyn: You edit this podcast, Riley, so I know you must listen to yourself sometimes. Does it ever occur to you that choosing to die on some weird hill doesn’t always end well for you?

Riley: Shows what you know. Frogs don’t live on hills.

Evelyn: [demonic voice] TOAD!

SOUND: The toad croaks again.

Riley: Shut up and make me better.

SOUND: Riley swallows the toad.

Riley: And now it’s just a matter of time. [another violent coughing fit]

Evelyn: That’s it, I’m calling a doctor before your fever completely melts your brain.

Riley: I’m not running a fever. And my brain is too smooth to melt.

Evelyn: Tell that to the steam coming off your forehead.

Riley: That’s just ‘cause I’m thinking really hard about how healthy I feel!

Evelyn: Okay...Local doctors…

SOUND: Keyboard sounds. Riley’s stomach gurgles.

Riley: Whoa. I can feel that frog’s health juice coursing through my veins.

Evelyn: The term “health juice” is definitely not scientific. Also, your pupils look like bowling balls right now. Where did you get that toad?

Riley: Shhh, Evelyn. You’ll scare the health away.

Evelyn: “The health?”

Riley: Ooh, look! I’m getting a stamina buff! My green bar is huge! I think the gamers are on to something.

Evelyn: [typing] “Doctor...house call...available immediately…”

Riley: No doctors, Ev! They’re just phonies in service of Big Pharma!

Evelyn: Well this website is called NotFakeDoctors.REAL, so you don’t need to worry about any phonies here.

Riley: Ev. I don’t wanna alarm you...But I think Mario just entered the basement.

Evelyn: I’m just gonna click “I’m Feeling Lucky.”

Riley: Oh, Mario’s leaving. Good. I don’t fuck with people who hate ghosts.

Evelyn: This is just like all those D.A.R.E. videos I watched in high school. I hope the doctor shows up before Riley jumps off a building while trying to fly.

Riley: What if I jumped onto a building? Then I’d never fall again. [weirdly sinister laugh]

SOUND: Three ominous knocks, with eerie pauses in between.

Evelyn: He’s here! You may actually survive this now, Riley!

Riley: Riley will never die! [coughing fit]

SOUND: Whoosh! Evelyn heads towards the door and opens it with her ghost powers.

Rich: Good evening, my dear. I’m Doctor Richard Bates, but please, call me Rich. I apologize for the delay, I had to dispose of some incriminati- er, I mean contaminating medical waste.

Evelyn: Hi, Dr. Rich! I’m Evelyn! Also, it’s 10:00 AM.

Rich: Of course; force of habit. I usually work under the cover of night. I mean... At night.

Evelyn: Oh, no problem, everyone misspeaks sometimes, I-- Wait, you can see me?

Rich: [ignoring Ev’s question] So, where’s my patient?

Evelyn: Riley, that’s the ghoul laying on the couch over there. [slightly louder] The very obviously unwell one.

Riley: I’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations!

Evelyn: No, you’re just sick and tired!

Riley: You’re gonna feel real silly when my mana bar fills back up. I’m gonna Fireball all your asses. [limply makes flame noises]

Rich: Ooh, a ghoul, you say? How very novel. Righty-o, let’s get stuck in.

SOUND: Rich walks over to Riley. A cool er sloshes in his hands.

Riley: What’s with the cooler? Do you drink on the job? See, Ev, I told you this guy was a phony! You hired a frat boy doctor.

Evelyn: Stop antagonizing the doctor, Riley.

Riley: Say that again when he’s doing a keg stand over my malpractice-induced corpse.

Rich: Oh, this? This is from my last patient, I didn’t have time to drop her-- I mean, it-- off at home before I came here. But rest assured, I never drink on the job.

Riley: Ugh, we need to stop letting British people in here...

Evelyn: Uhh, Doctor Bates? I don’t want to interrupt any of the medical procedures, but you seem to be covered in a lot of blood right now. Isn’t that unsanitary?

Rich: Please, Rich. But don’t worry darling, it’s not mine. And it’s sterile, I assure you.

Riley: That’s comforting. Ugh. My tummy hurts...Uh, with health!

Rich: No need to worry, Riley, I’m a professional. I’m just going to perform a few basic diagnostic tests, to establish the justification for surgery.

Riley: Don’t try to swindle me with your medical jargon. I know my rights!

Rich: My, you’re a feisty one. [to Evelyn] Are they always like this?

Evelyn: Actually, this is low-energy Riley.

Riley: Excuse me!? Do you see how big my green bar is? It’s at like, 200%.

SOUND: Rich opens a medical bag. Tools jangle.

Rich: I’m going to press on and begin the examination if it’s all the same to you.

Evelyn: You’re not going to do anything dangerous, are you?

Rich: What would possibly lead you to think that about me?

SOUND: Sinister organ music begins to play.

Rich: Oh, I do apologize, that’s my ringtone. One moment, please.

SOUND: Rich answers his phone.

Rich: [into phone] Dr. Bates here. Yes. This better be important, I’m with a patient… Yes, yes, I have the product… Fresh and on the ice, ready to go… Of course I cleaned up!

Riley: Taking a phone call during a consultation. So unprofessional.

Evelyn: I’m a little more concerned about all the obvious murderer vibes.

Rich: ...I’ll be there right after this, and remember... Cash. I can’t seem to wrap my head around all this ToddCoin nonsense. Cheers!

SOUND: He hangs up.

Rich: My sincerest apologies, bodies tend to pile up. [soft chuckle] ...Did I say bodies? I meant work, I assure you. [to Riley] Now, let’s start with something simple... Open your mouth and say “aaahhhhhh”.

Riley: [nervous] Alright. Healthy people can open their mouths and not feel like they’re going to gag, so that’s what I’ll do. Because I can.

SOUND: “Aaahhh.” Splat as something lands on the table. The toad croaks.

Rich: [obviously surprised] I’m sorry, was that a toad?

Riley: A frog, actually.

Evelyn: Don’t you start!

Rich: Alrighty...I’m going to grab my stethoscope and have a listen to make sure everything on the inside is in perfect, sellable condition.

Evelyn: Sellable?

Rich: Hm? Beg your pardon? I said I’m grabbing my stethoscope.

SOUND: Rich grabs the next tool from his bag. Meanwhile, the toad hops around the basement, occasionally croaking, for the rest of the episode. [Note for Scott: Feel free to throw in a well-timed croak whenever it seems funny.]

Evelyn: So, uh, what medical school did you attend, Rich? Just out of curiosity.

Rich: Well, first, I attended Evil Pre-Med at Stanford, before performing my Evil Residency at Harvard. I graduated with dishonors before shadowing a more experienced Evil surgeon at Evil Johns Hopkins. And I minored in Economics...Evil Economics, I assure you.

Riley: See, Ev? He even admits all doctors are evil! I respect that kind of honesty.

Evelyn: I think he’s just saying he’s evil!

Rich: Whenever did I say that? Now quiet for a moment, please, I need to listen to Riley’s potentially valuable heart.

Riley: [smug] See, Ev! My heart is super valuable.

SOUND: Long silence. A few croaks.

Riley: Look, he’s stunned into silence by its power!

Rich: [at a loss for words] Well…That’s not quite... Hm...

Evelyn: [concerned] What’s their BPM, doctor?

Rich: Two…

Evelyn: [cutting him off] Two hundred?! That’s crazy high!

Riley: It shows I’m working at maximum efficiency!

Rich: No, two. [harrowed pause] I’d heard legends about this in Evil Cardiology, but I didn’t think they were true. Until now…

Riley: I’m a legend! [coughing fit]

Evelyn: What does this mean, doctor?

Rich: Lord only knows, we’re going off-road now... [A little excited at the idea] I think a blood test is in order.

SOUND: Rich grabs a syringe from his bag.

Rich: You may notice a little prick.

Riley: Shit, is Mario back!? I’m all out of shells…

Evelyn: Maybe we should put some limits on Nintendo time...

SOUND: Rich draws some blood from an indifferent Riley. Riley quietly hums the Mario Kart theme, clearly still s paced out.

Evelyn: You’re uh… taking a lot of blood there, Dr. Rich, sir. Don’t your patients need to, y’know, keep some?

Rich: All necessary, darling. Trust the expert. Now I’ll get this sample under the microscope and have a closer look to see what’s really going on here.

SOUND: Quiet squirting noise. The blood sample squeals and hisses defensively then slithers away.

Rich: [visibly unnerved] Jesus..!

Riley: Yeah, It does that sometimes, you can either get the flamethrower to deal with it now or wait for it to come back. It gets homesick eventually.

Evelyn: I can confirm. It’s gross but kinda wholesome.

Rich: [voice a little shaky, but regaining his composure] I have to say, Riley, your blood is absolutely fascinating. Riley: Listen, buddy, I’m ace and I’m saving myself for a Jonas brother, so try your silver fox porno doctor schtick with someone else.

Rich: I meant it in a purely professional sense, darling. Speaking of, I think it’s time I take a more invasive approach to your diagnosis.

Riley: And the mixed messages continue.

SOUND: Rich messing around in his doctor’s bag.

Evelyn: Um...What exactly are we looking at here?

Riley: Shiny. Must’ve hit a Star.

SOUND: Whirring of a surgical saw. Riley starts humming the star powerup theme.

Rich: Now please hold still, this is a very delicate procedure…

SOUND: The whirring of the saw transition into…

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Catchy EDM hook plays. Predictably chaotic and off-kilter.

Flauros: Who’s the burning boy with big ol’ leopard teeth! It’s me,

Flauros! And I’m here… why am I here?

Marketing Exec.: Talk about your beer.

Flauros: Flauros has beer! And it’s uh…

Marketing Exec.: [insistent] Good!

Flauros: Flauros has beer and it’s good. I-I drink this beer. Marketing Exec.: Keep going…

Flauros: Right. The first time Flauros drank a bottle of this beer, he finished it. And then he had another one. I’m not sure if it was the same beer though. It’s all beer. And it was all good. And it was all bad.

Marketing Exec.: Goddamn it. Say the name...

Flauros: [so confident] Flauros! Thought I wouldn’t remember huh… but Flauros always remembers.

Marketing Exec.: Fuck it. [distant] It’s good enough. Send it out. I’m going home to cry into my birthday cake.

SOUND: Marketing exec. stomps away. Paper is thrown to the floor. The door slams shut and the lights are turned off. Beat.

Flauros: Oh look, a beer!

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

SOUND: Gross, squelching noises as Rich feels around Riley’s open abdomen.

Riley: Hey, easy on my spleen. [spaced-out laugh] That tickles.

Evelyn: I know nobody likes a backseat surgeon, but shouldn’t you be using an anesthetic?

Rich: [scoffs] Anesthetic?

Evelyn: Y’know, surgical painkillers!

Rich: I’m aware of what they are. They just spoil the fun of it.

Evelyn: For those of you at home, this is Less is Morgue’s first live surgery. Riley’s chest and abdomen are now fully open.

Riley: Jeez, Ev, why don’t you just doxx me? [coughing fit]

Evelyn: The listeners deserve to know why they’re hearing these horrible squishy noises, Riley!

SOUND: More awful squishy noises. They persist throughout the scene.

Rich: Is this what you kids would call ASMR?

Evelyn: [irritated] I still don’t know what that means.

Riley: We’ve been over this, Evelyn. It stands for America’s Secret Moon Reptiles. [Beat] How’s it looking under the hood, Rich?

Rich: [frustrated] I’m not a mechanic. And it’s a mess in here. When was the last time you cleaned?

Riley: [offended] I can send you down there with a broom if you like. Rich: No need to get snippy, I’m just doing my job.

SOUND: Riley coughing violently. Gross, squishy reshuffling noises.

Rich: [sharp inhale] Well, I just lost my place…Wait, have you had an appendectomy?

Riley: Yup, performed it and disposed of the medical waste myself. Shows I don’t need some quack getting elbow-deep in my guts to keep me healthy.

Rich: [sarcastic] Of course, and I suppose you ate the offending organ afterward?

Riley: Yeah! How’d you guess?

SOUND: Rich frustratedly rummaging around again. Squish. Squelch. Rich sighing.

Rich: Riley, darling, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but how are you even alive?

Riley: Spite, mostly.

Evelyn: That may be the truest thing they’ve said all day.

Riley: What’s with all this slander against my body anyway? I bet I can do way more cool shit with my organs than you can. I can make them move independently, or have them change sizes and positions! I can even make my liver talk on cue. You wanna see?

Rich: No, thank you, I’ve seen quite enough already. The condition of your insides is absolutely horrific.

Evelyn: Seriously, though, I’ve seen them do it. It’s both terrifying, and hard to look away from. Like our Twitter mentions.

Rich: I have absolutely no reason to dispute that. And frankly, I would prefer to keep my lunch down.

Riley: Your loss. Coward. [coughing fit]

SOUND: More gross, squishy noises.

Rich: I think I’ve found the stomach. [beat] Mother of God…

Riley: She ain’t in there. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Rich: It just keeps going...and going…

Evelyn: [disconcertingly chipper] I was in there twice!

Riley: Good times.

Rich: [under his breath] So you’re the people the internet warned me about…

Riley: No, we’re the people the internet warned you about.

Evelyn: Heck yeah!

Rich: Is this floss or fishing wire?

Riley: Whatever it was, it tasted like ribbon candy.

Rich: Well, I’m taking it out.

Riley: Hey, I was digesting that. Rude.

Rich: It appears to be connected to a chunk of wood… With the inscription ‘This machine kills party poopers’...

Evelyn: Wasn’t that the mass-murdering counselor from that summer camp?

Riley: Jordy P! I wonder what he’s up to these days.

Evelyn: You ate him, Riles.

Riley: Oh yeah, so I did. Good catch, Ev.

Rich: [getting a bit nervous] For the record, my husband knows I’m here. Just so you’re aware. [beat] Huh. Odd to be on this side of the conversation.

Evelyn: Aww, husband. Good for both of you!

Riley: And yet, you were still coming onto me earlier. You fuckin’ doctors make me sick.

SOUND: Rich absolutely baffled as he pulls out the total atomic vaporizer.

Rich: What the fuck is this? A toy laser gun… with uranium in it?

Riley: That thing was no toy, lemme tell you. You don’t know hell until you’ve suffered atomic indigestion. And I’ve been to actual hell.

Rich: [truly horrified] I’m feeling pre-cancerous just looking at this thing. How long has this been inside you?

Riley: I dunno, like five months? Maybe?

Rich: [makes a pained noise through clenched teeth] I’m at a loss for words...How?

Riley: I’m just built different, dude.

Evelyn: Riley’s stomach is kind of like a pocket universe. Except everything that goes there dies.

Riley: So it’s just like our universe.

Evelyn: (baffled) Yeah, I guess.

SOUND: The toad croaks.

Rich: I agree. Riley: I knew you’d come to appreciate my wisdom. Rich: I was talking to the toad.

SOUND: Squishy noises.

Rich: Huh, looks like a name tag and part of a uniform. Ring any bells?

Riley: [beat] That doesn’t narrow it down.

Rich: Belongs to a Mister Jon... Wheel er. Know him?

Evelyn: It’s complicated. But we can give it to him if we ever see each other again!

Riley: I don’t think he wants it. Or to see us.

Rich: This is giving me flashb acks to shark week…

Evelyn: I love sharks!

Riley: Oh shit, is there a shark in there? He’s gonna steal all my snacks!

Rich: Nevermind, forget I said anything. Let me see what else I can salvage.

[BEAT]

Rich: Is that... Is that Mario?

Evelyn: Oh no, the toad got to you too!

Rich: [frantic; desperate] No, it isn’t Toad, I’m positive it’s Mario. He’s down there looking at me with those cold, dead eyes. [takes a deep breath] I need a quick break, mind if I smoke in here?

Riley: You can’t smoke in here with my lungs all exposed like this! The nicotine will seep into my blood and make me lose all my health bar and then implant nanobots to control me to buy cigarettes because that’s what the government WANTS.

[LONG BEAT]

Rich: So I’ll go upstairs then. I’ll be back in a tick.

SOUND: Rich leaving with his soul damaged. Door closes.

Riley: [sighs; relieved] Nice to give your organs some air sometimes, y’know?

Evelyn: No, Riley, I don’t know. The last time any of my organs got some air, a stage light had just crushed my head.

Riley: Jeez. Way to make it about you. I’m the sick one here- HEALTHY ONE! I’m so healthy it makes me sick. Ugh. One sec, lemme put these away.

SOUND: Gross, fleshy shapeshifting noises.

Riley: Insides back inside.

Evelyn: Yay, I guess?

Riley: Is it weird that seeing my guts like that made me hungry?

Evelyn: Not by your standards, no.

Riley: Sweet. I’ll take it. Maybe I’ll borrow one of Dr. Hugh Grant’s beers to fill the void, he owes me that much at least.

SOUND: Riley opens the cooler.

Riley: Oh shit, it’s full of organs! Jackpot!

Evelyn: Riley, don’t! You don’t know who they came from!

Riley: Yeah, but I know who they’re going into. Snack time.

SOUND: Riley grossly scarfing down the organs.

Evelyn: Well, at least they’re getting their appetite back.

SOUND: Riley belches. Satisfied.

Riley: Ahhh. That hit the spot.

Evelyn: You’re stealing Dr. Bates’ organs, Ril es. He may be an obvious murderer, but that’s no reason for us to stoop to his level.

Riley: Nah. The way I see it, he spent the last ten minutes stealing shit from my stomach. This is just the law of Equivalent Exchange.

SOUND: The basement door opens, Rich re-enters, looking more calm and composed, he’s even fixed his hair. That’s a little treat for transcript readers.

Rich: I just had a lovely chat with your mother. Charming woman, she’s invited me over for tea sometime in-- [pause] Why is the cooler open? [panic rises] Why is the cooler empty?!

SOUND: Riley burps.

Rich: [deep inhale] Riley, please explain to me why my products are no longer in their container?

Riley: Products? That’s a weird way of saying lunch.

Evelyn: Riles, I don’t think he means lunch.

Rich: [now getting absolutely furious, but trying so hard to hide it behind some level of professionalism] Do you have any idea what you’ve done? How much money those were worth?!

SOUND: Riley’s stomach gurgles.

Riley: I think you should ask the deli for your money back, they’re not sitting right. [groans]

Rich: Those are transplant organs, you absolute imbecile!

Riley: Ugh. My body is rejecting these transplants. Where’s that frog? I need a health boost.

Evelyn: You don’t look so good, Riley. Some might even say you’re sick...

Riley: I am in PERFECT. PHYSICAL. HEALTH.

Rich: You...You’ll pay for this.

Riley: [dealing with stomach discomfort] Oh, believe me, I’m paying for it.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach gurgles. Riley groans in pain.

Rich: [deep frustrated breaths, voice shaky] Evelyn, would you be a dear and float over that pillow for me?

Evelyn: Uh, sure, Dr. Bates.

Rich: Thank you, darling.

SOUND: Ghost-powered floating pillow. Rich grabs the pillow and shrieks into it.

Rich: Okay. I’m back.

Riley: Feel better? Because I sure don’t. Not that I’m sick.

Rich: [he’s lost it, professionalism out the fucking window] THAT’S IT. NO MORE DOCTOR NICE GUY. I’ve laid down the charm for you ungrateful reprobates all evening!

Evelyn: Eleven AM.

Rich: Whatever! Since I got here, it’s been nothing but… fucking weird! This has to be the worst musty basement I’ve ever performed surgery in! I may need to lobotomize myself to forget that this nightmare ever happened!

Riley: [groans] My tummy...

Rich: I don’t give a flying FUCK about that labyrinthine horror show you call a tummy! You’ve just eaten my biggest paycheck yet, I’ll be out hundreds of thousands of dollars in black market checks thanks to your absolute buffoonery! You’ve ruined me, you freaky little clown! You gremlin! You complete and utter knobhead!

SOUND: Riley violently projectile vomits all over Doctor Richard Bates. When it ends, Evelyn just gasps.

Evelyn: Riley...You could have at least aimed that super spew away from him…

Riley: You say that like this was premeditated. [beat] Oh my god...I feel good. No, better than good, I feel amazing! Holy fuck...You cured me, Doc!

Rich: [harrowed; voice shaking] I’ve been...chundered...flotsammed... jetsammed...

Riley: I can’t believe it, Ev...You’ve found the one trustworthy doctor! Rich, my man, my dude, you’re a miracle worker. How much do my parents owe you?

Rich: The sum you owe can never be paid in full.

Riley: I’ll keep your number handy anyway.

Evelyn: I mean, it is good to have a doctor Riley trusts. We’ll call you in the future whenever they get into a weird medical oopsie.

Riley: And that isn’t too much pressure. It’s two, three times a week, tops.

Rich: [completely lost it] NO! NEVER AGAIN! I NEVER want to see you and this HELLHOLE you call a basement for the rest of my NATURAL LIFE. [voice shaky; welling up] I’m going to go home, take a long, long, long, long shower...

SOUND: Rich storming off. Croak. He grabs the toad.

Rich: AND I’M TAKING THE FROG WITH ME!

Evelyn: IT’S A TOAD!

SOUND: The door slamming. Hard.

Riley: I like him.

Evelyn: Yeah, could be worse. At least he was polite.

Riley: Man, I’m feeling so good! Not that I was super sick before, but I feel fucking fantastic now.

Evelyn: So, you feel well enough to clean up this disgusting mess?

Riley: Well... Maybe I’ll take a nap first. [beat] Hey, is that Mario?

Evelyn: [War flashbacks] Oh no, it’s happening again…

Riley: No, look!

SOUND: Riley rummages through the puke. Pulls out a Mario Amiibo.

Riley: Fuck, it’s an Amiibo.

Evelyn: Oh wow, that is Mario. Wait, his overalls are the wrong shade of blue… Oh my god.

Riley: What?

Evelyn: On the news! They were running a story about a fake Mario toy recall because the plastic was contaminated by a nearby arsenic factory! And you could tell which ones because the bootleg versions had the wrong blue for his pants!

Riley: Huh, in hindsight, this explains a lot…

Evelyn: Not really. How did this end up in your tummy?

Riley: I ate it to gain its power so I could beat Rainbow Road, obviously.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Yeah, obviously. Why would I even need to ask?

[END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was written by Jasper Taylor, Henry Galley, and Gus Zagarella, and audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas. With episode art by Jasper Taylor. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Will de Renzy-Martin as Dr. Richard Bates, Gus Zagarella as Flauros, Scott Thomas as the marketing executive, and Ricardo the Toad as himself.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Riley realises a rat has infiltrated the bathroom and attempts to catch it. Evelyn tries to have it humanely disposed of by a pair of ancient and powerful Cockney pest controllers who end up being more of a problem than they bargained for.

+transcript

SOUND: Scuffling, a plastic clunk of a bucket on the ground.

Evelyn: Riley, what are you doing?

Riley: [perturbed] I saw it somewhere around here.

Evelyn: Saw what? What are you looking for?

Riley: There’s a rat in the basement.

Evelyn: Aww cute!

Riley: Don’t get attached, Ev - when I catch it, I’m putting it in a sandwich.

Evelyn: No, don’t hurt it! [Beat] Uhhh, Riley, are we recording?

Riley: [distracted] Nah, I don’t think so.

Evelyn: Okay, so there’s a rat in the basement, what are you gonna do?

Riley: I'm gonna fix that rat, that's what I'm gonna do.

SOUND: A small squeak and scuttle of small paws.

Evelyn: Aww, he is cute!

Riley: Ev, he’s probably riddled with diseases.

Evelyn: And yet you want to eat him?

Riley: To hide the evidence - if my parents find out I’ve brought pests into the house they’ll try and evict me again. And the mandatory family counselling sessions are bad enough! Now, hold still, little guy.

SOUND: Riley pounces and clatters to the floor, small paws scuttling away.

Evelyn: Did that hurt?

Riley: Only my pride. And my shins.

Evelyn: We could just leave him to do his thing. I mean, he’s not hurting anyone.

Riley: He’s hurting me, Ev - listen!

SOUND: A short, awkward pause followed by a small growl of Riley’s stomach.

Riley: See?

Evelyn: Riley, you know I support you, but if you eat that rat I will keep you up all night singing Nickleback’s Greatest Hits.

Riley: You wouldn’t…

Evelyn: [singing, loudly] LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH -

Riley: ENOUGH OF THIS! Fine, what do you suggest?

Evelyn: Why don’t we call pest control?

Riley: Because this basement has an unusually high mortality rate? Most of the corporeal beings who set foot in here end up as severed heads, wandering spirits, or in my toilet - or some combination of all three.

Evelyn: If I still had a stomach, I’d be sick right now. But I still think we should call a professional.

Riley: [annoyed] Let’s see who’s local.

SOUND: Tapping on laptop.

Riley: ‘Katch It With Kratchit’, how about this guy? His reviews are...wow, that is a lot of stars.

Evelyn: I didn’t know they let reviewers give more than five.

Riley: The reviews are probably all his dummy accounts, let’s see how he holds up in-person.

SOUND: Phone dialling noises. A squeak and scuttle.

Riley: There you are, you little bastard!

SOUND: A crash as Riley yeets themselves across the room. Phone continues ringing.

Wackford Kratchit: [over phone line] ‘Ello, Katch it with Kratchit.

Evelyn: Uhhh...hi, sorry can you hear me?

Wackford Kratchit: ‘Course I can, luv. What can I do ya for?

Riley: [from the floor] The fuck is that accent?

Evelyn: We’ve got a rat in our basement and -

Wackford Kratchit: Just one rat? Not a colony ‘a rats? Not a family ‘a rats? Not even two rats? Just the one?

Evelyn: Uh, yes?

Wackford Kratchit: Perfek, I’ll clock off for an early lunch afterwards. 247 Mayhem Way, yes? Just got to finish up anuvva job, an’ I’ll be there any second.

Evelyn: Any second, are you sure?

Wackford Kratchit: That’s a near-perfect rough estimate.

Evelyn: Good, because this is an emergency, my roommate wants to eat the rat, and I’d rather we didn’t hurt the little guy and just got him out of here safely.

Wackford Kratchit: Don’t you worry, miss - he’ll be sippin’ a pina colada in Barbados before you can say Oliver Twist.

SOUND: Dial tone.

Evelyn: Wait, how did he know our address?

SOUND: Riley pulls out a chair and slumps down.

Evelyn: No luck?

Riley: [clearly pissed] Nope.

Evelyn: Well, you tried. Might as well give up and leave it up to the professionals.

Riley: You’re forgetting the Riley Almanzor credo, Ev: ignore the odds, expose the truth and -

Evelyn: Never quit while you’re ahead?

Riley: Exactly! I’m gonna go and get bait.

Evelyn: Isn’t that a waste of food? You love food!

Riley: [getting distant] It’s all going to the same place, and that place is in me - if anything, putting the cheese in the rat makes the process more efficient.

SOUND: Dashing footsteps up the stairs and the slamming of a door.

Evelyn: Ah, beans - their tactics are evolving.

SOUND: Small squeak as rat crawls onto table.

Evelyn: Don’t worry, little guy, I’ll make sure you’re taken out of here humanely. But Kratchit’s taking too long, we need reinforcements. Let’s see here, this guy’s reviews say ‘he responds so fast, he gets to you before you’ve even called’.

Bob Sketter: [abrupt] ‘Allo.

Evelyn: [yelps]

Bob Sketter: Sorry ta startle ya there, missus. Bob Sketter the Rat Getter, at ya service. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, miss…?

Evelyn: Um, I’m Evelyn - also, hold up, how did you get here? And how can you see me?

Bob Sketter: You must be an o’phan, miss!

Evelyn: No, my parents are...wait...I don’t actually know, I haven’t seen them in seventeen years and [beat] wow, that’s really sad.

Bob Sketter: Um, well I see dead o’phans and sometimes they grant me wishes.

Evelyn: Why?

Bob Sketter: What are you, a fuckin bobby?

Evelyn: What?

Bob Sketter: Right, no good stood ‘ere chin-waggin’, let’s see the damage.

SOUND: Footsteps.

Bob Sketter: Blimey, you’ve had some cowboys in ‘ere. It's lucky you called me when you did, luv or this could have ran up some real costs.

Evelyn: This isn’t my house, Riley will pay you with [awkwardly attempting to lie]...the money...that they have...from their...job...that they do...at the...bank?

Bob Sketter: [confused] That is usually the essence of the arrangement, luv. ‘Ere, stick the kettle on will ya? I'm spittin' fevvers 'ere.

Evelyn: You’re not gonna hurt him, are you? Because I will not tolerate animal abuse in this basement.

Bob Sketter: Rest easy, sunshine, I’m the Rat Getter (beat) I just like ta...hold them.

Evelyn: Well, that’s unsettling but...okay.

Bob Sketter: Where’s this bloody rat, then?

SOUND: Door opening.

Wackford Kratchit: I'm lookin' at 'im.

Bob Sketter: Those a’ fightin' words, ya gruel-suckin' todger!

Wackford Kratchit: Yo u’re one to talk, ya smog-huffin’ wrong’un.

Evelyn: Wait, you two know each other?

Wackford Kratchit: Un-for-chu-nately, this town is big enough for the two of us.

Evelyn: Tallahassee is a pretty big city, it’s not that weird for it to have more than one pest guy.

Bob Sketter: It is when they’re two pest blokes like us, luv.

Wackford Kratchit: As much as I hate to agree with this plonker, that’s right. We’ve been catching rats since before there were rats.

Evelyn: How?

Wackford Kratchit: [dropping accent] Don’t think about it.

Bob Sketter: We’ve controlled the sorts ‘a pests you wouldn’t believe, in worlds long before the dawn of this one.

Wackford Kratchit: They don’t tell ya this, but pest-controllin’ isn’t just a job.

Bob Sketter: It’s a callin’.

Wackford Kratchit: It’s a way ‘a life.

Bob Sketter: It’s part ‘a yer soul, like your eye cullah.

Wackford Kratchit: Or the size ‘a your cock.

Bob Sketter: And that, Kratchit, is why you’re half the pest controller I am - [quieter, but with intensity] and you got ‘alf the cock to match.

Wackford Kratchit: Shut your arse, you shrub-dodging buntyman.

Bob Sketter: Why don’t you come over ‘ere and try shuttin’ it for me, you-

Evelyn: Guys, we don't have time, a rat's life is on the line and we need to get him out of here before-

SOUND: Riley re-enters.

Riley: [continuous] We didn't have any cheese so I had to run to the 7-11 and also who the fuck are these Dickensian dickheads?

Evelyn: [screaming in horror] Oh no, Riley’s back - you two, stop calling each other strange England words and save the rat from their jaws of death!

Riley: THERE WILL BE NO ESCAPE! I’m gonna eat that rat, Ev - and neither you nor these chimney-sweep lookin’ assholes can stop me.

SOUND: Riley skitters across the room.

Evelyn: Will you guys please help? Can’t you work together or something?

Wackford Kratchit: Work? [beat] With? [beat] Him? After what ‘e did?

Evelyn: Do all pest controllers have so much baggage?

Bob Sketter: When you been around as long as we ‘ave, luv -

Evelyn: I GET IT, you’re the immortal, ancient type of pest controllers! Look, it’s clear you guys aren’t going to be able to work together until you sort out your issues, so I guess it’s Evelyn Hooper, Queen of Emotional Labour to the rescue. Kratchit, why don’t you start?

Wackford Kratchit: Let me take you back to the long-forgotten days of Ye Olde England. It was the best of times -

Bob Sketter: No, it wasn’t! It was the wo’st of times!

Wackford Kratchit: Do you wanna tell it then?

Evelyn: Guys, come on!

Riley: [in background] Come on, little rat. It looks cold under the bathtub...I know somewhere warm...just come on out and take this fucking brie I stole so I can eat you, you little shit!

Wackford Kratchit: I was only a young’un at the time, had been for centuries. I was freezin’ my bollocks off, the only food I had was a hot pie from me mam, and THIS PRICK -

Evelyn: He stole your food?

Wackford Kratchit: Nah, ‘e fucked me mam!

Bob Sketter: Yea, an’ she was crap!

Wackford Kratchit: Not like your mam’s any better!

Bob Sketter: Oy!

Wackford Kratchit: Oi!

Bob Sketter: [louder, longer] OYY!

Wackford Kratchit: [louder, longer] OII!

Bob Sketter: [louder, longer] OYYY!

Wackford Kratchit: [louder, longer] OIII!

Evelyn: MAKE IT STOP!

Bob Sketter: Why don’t you tell ‘em what ‘appened after that? This coffin-dodger tried to get me back by usin’ ‘is mind powers -

Evelyn: MIND POWERS?!

Wackford Kratchit: Yeah, I got mind powers, this’un got time powers, there’s a bunch’a other blokes like us. They got powers like space, reality, power.

Bob Sketter: That’s a really good one.

Wackford Kratchit: Oh, and one of ‘em’s got the power ‘a soul - don’t catch many rats, but he’s one helluva singer.

Bob Sketter: Golden voice. Anyways, this one here uses ‘is mind powers, controls the tiny minds of all the rats ‘e can find - rats ‘ave simple minds, makes ‘em easier ta control, y’see.

Riley: [in background] Come out of there, you tasty, furry bastard.

Evelyn: Riley! Hurry it along guys, they’re getting closer to the poor rat. Bob, why don’t you tell me what happened next?

Bob Sketter: I’ll tell ya! This bastard went and started The Black Plague just to get back at me!

Evelyn: Wait, you killed a third of Europe?!

Wackford Kratchit: Eh, for my money it was a bit of a cock-up. But, when ya think about it, it don’t half make me a good exterminator.

Evelyn: YOU’RE PEST CONTROL, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HUMANE! You’re telling me you two have been playing this petty game of cat and mouse for centuries?

Wackford Kratchit: Yeh, and I’m the cat.

Bob Sketter: Fuck you, I’m the cat!

Wackford Kratchit: Got that right, I ain’t ever seen a bigger pussy.

Bob Sketter: I ‘ave - on Mrs Kratchit!

Evelyn: GUYS! Look, you’ve been fighting about this forever, have you really gained anything from dwelling on things from the past?

Riley: [in background] Okay, I know you can’t talk...

SOUND: Squeak.

Riley: [in background still]...but I’m gonna say ‘Marco’, and then you have to run into my mouth.

Evelyn: We’re losing time! Can’t you guys just put your history aside, for a few minutes, to save this rat from my hungry friend?

Bob Sketter: Fine, I’ll deal with this. Move aside, Kratchit, you slotbadger. This is a man’s job.

Wackford Kratchit: You think you’re ‘ard, Bob? I’ll spark you out, you two-pin din plug, you ain’t shit!

Evelyn: [demonic] BOTH OF YOU SHAKE HANDS AND MAKE UP OR I SWEAR I WILL WRITE REVIEWS SO BAD THAT IT DESTROYS YOUR YELP AVERAGES.

Bob Sketter: Alright, alright, let’s not be too ‘asty.

Wackford Kratchit: Yeh, fine, we’ll let bygones piss off and get gone.

SOUND: Handshake.

Bob Sketter: Now, let’s catch some rats.

Wackford Kratchit: It’s just the one rat, you shit.

Bob Sketter: [angry] I’ll deck you, you bloody -

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Jaunty music - you know, the type of fire bars they play in elevators.

Wackford Kratchit: Got a pest problem that you need solvin’ fast? Don’t ‘ang about, call Katch It With Kratchit and we’ll -

SOUND: Wackford gets decked.

Bob Sketter: No, don’t listen to this tosspot! Call me instead - Bob Sketter the Rat Getter’s the name, and catchin’ rats is my...[beat] job. Call now and -

SOUND: A scuffle, Wackford wrestles Bob to the ground.

Wackford Kratchit: ‘E’s a nonce, don’t trust him - I’ve seen his hands.

Bob Sketter: [chanting, being choked] Kratchit smells like cat shit, Kratchit smells like cat shit!

Wackford Kratchit: Bob will fuck your cat!

Riley: Is...is this one of those weird ads...but live?

Evelyn: I didn’t know those happened when we weren’t recording

Riley: Are they scheduled? Is it to do with like...the sun?

Evelyn: How come you stopped chasing the rat?

Riley: Little fucker evaded me.

Evelyn: I thought you had bait?

Riley: [defeated] I ate it.

Evelyn: Wait, you ate cheese? But aren’t you lacto-

Riley: Ev, when there is brie, that’s just how I be. I’m gonna go back to the store, can you make sure this Cosmic Cockney cock-measuring cock fight doesn’t level my house, or I think my mom might tear my atoms apart.

Evelyn: Can she do that?

Riley: I wasn’t always an only child, Ev.

Evelyn: I’m going to ignore the implications of that because...they’re horrifying.

SOUND: Riley leaves. Sounds of intense fighting.

Evelyn: Guys, stop!

Wackford Kratchit: THIS IS FOR FUCKING ME MAM!

Bob Sketter: YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE WHEN I FUCKED YA MAM!

Wackford Kratchit: What you on about?

Bob Sketter: I went back in time to fuck ya mam, must’ve been about nine months before...wait.

Wackford Kratchit: Dad? [pause] YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR MEEEE!

Bob Sketter: Any son ‘a mine would be something less shite than a fuckin’ pest controller - YOU’RE A LOSER, JUST LIKE YER OLD MAN!

SOUND: Fighting continues, over it the rat scuttles onto the table and squeaks.

Evelyn: I’m with you, Mr Rat, I am so confused.

SOUND: Door opening.

Teddy: Uh...hello? Riley? I heard strange British accents, did you take my Peaky Blinders DVDs?

Evelyn: Teddy, help! Now would be a really good time for you to start believing in my existence!

SOUND: A lamp smashes as it is hurled at Teddy.

Teddy: H-hey! Riley loved that lamp! Y-you’ll have to pay for that, mister!

Wackford Kratchit: PISS OFF YODA, THIS AIN’T GOT ANYTHIN’ TA DO WITH YOU!

Teddy: [quietly to himself] Why, god...I didn’t ask for this life.

SOUND: Door closing.

Evelyn: Will SOMEONE please help me?!

SOUND: The fighting continues, objects being thrown, hands are also being thrown.

Bob Sketter: I can feel what ya playin’ at, lad - you won’t get inside my mind, Kratchit!

Wackford Kratchit: You’ll break soon, Bob, it’s what old men do!

Bob Sketter: We’re immortal, our age is jus’ an arbitrary numerical designation, like askin’ how long a piece ‘a string is!

Wackford Kratchit: Well, you’re an arbitrary [reaching]...prick!

Bob Sketter: I’m gonna travel back in time an’ kick your ten-year-old self in the nuts!

Wackford Kratchit: Wait…[slowly getting idea] time...travel...nuts!

Bob Sketter: Don’t you do it, Kratchit! I can see what you’re plannin’, don’t even think about it!

Wackford Kratchit: Now ya scared, Bob - time ta bring out the big guns, better ‘ave a tidy up in there because…’EEERE’S KRATCHY!

SOUND: Shockwave as Wackford unleashes his psychic powers.

Bob Sketter: [dazed groaning noises]

Evelyn: What...what did you do to him?

Wackford Kratchit: [panting] Took full control of ‘is mind, miss - don’t worry, won’t charge any extra for this - this I do for free.

Evelyn: And by ‘this’, you mean…?

Wackford Kratchit: [epicly, waited his whole life for this line] Pest control. Now, Bob.

Bob Sketter: [mesmerised] Yes, Mister Kratchit.

Wackford Kratchit: ‘Ere’s what you’re gonna do: you’re gonna go back in time, stop yourself from fucken’ me mam, and then apologise to ‘er for bein’ a right dog of a bloke. [Getting carried away, enjoying the power] AND THEN you’re gonna go and kick your ten-year-old self in the mouf AND THE NUTS.

Bob Sketter: [still mesmerised] I obey - still, what a pisser.

SOUND: A zap as Bob Sketter disappears.

Wackford Kratchit: Right, one rat down, one to go! Now, missus, sorry for the delay but I’ll start by laying some bait for the little bugger, then next week I’ll install a one-way valve to-

Evelyn: Mr Kratchit, your hand’s disintegrating - is that normal?

Wackford Kratchit: Not to worry, that’ll just be - ah, fuck.

Evelyn: Now all of you is disintegrating.

Wackford Kratchit: I can see that, miss. That’s time travel for ya, so complica-

SOUND: A gentle whoosh as Wackford becomes dust and fades from existence. Riley returns.

Riley: Hey, someone broke that shitty lamp. Also, where did the Brits go?

Evelyn: From what I understand...which isn’t much, Kratchit made Bob go back in time to un-canoodle his mom.

Riley: He erased himself from existence? Big mood. So, shouldn’t Bob have come back to finish catching the rat?

Evelyn: That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Maybe, by changing the past, Bob altered the course of his own history, forever shifting the sequence of events that brought him here to the basement.

Riley: Ev, I don’t care.

Evelyn: You’re right, maybe it would be better if all of us didn’t think about it too much. Let’s just try and take a positive lesson out of this whole thing, like...protecting the environment or never taking PCP.

Riley: Or that the best way to catch a rat…

SOUND: Riley scrambles under the bathtub.

Riley: IS TO DO IT YOURSELF!

Evelyn: Riley, there has been enough suffering in this basement for one day!

Riley: But I just stole some better cheese! The fancy expensive shit with the French names.

Evelyn: [demonic] ALMANZOR, YOU MUST STOP!

Riley: [slightly intimidated] Okay, sorry, Ev. For what it’s worth, I think the rat’s gotten away.

SOUND: Riley eats the cheese.

Evelyn: Well, that’s something.

Riley: I mean, I wasn’t even hungry anymore, I just ate like, four wedges of cheese.

Evelyn: You only brought home two wedges of cheese.

Riley: [ashamed] No, I stole four and ate two on the way back - defeat makes me hangry. I suppose, in a way, part of me just didn’t want to feel like I ’m dumber than a tiny animal. And then I got frustrated when I couldn’t catch it, because that felt like proof - my inability to catch one rat served as confirmation of my deepest insecurities. At that point, it was something I had to defeat, for the sake of my own sanity.

Evelyn: You know, Riley, I’m glad you’re getting better at talking about the way you feel.

Riley: Thanks, Ev.

SOUND: Squeak.

Riley: Did...did you just squeak?

Evelyn: No, the rat’s been sitting in your hair for about five minutes now.

Riley: [gasps] Why didn’t you say something? YOU MADE ME ACKNOWLEDGE MY FEELINGS, THIS IS ENTRAPMENT.

Evelyn: But, before you do anything, isn’t it wonderful that this rat helped you learn something about yourself? Isn’t that a good enough reason to spare it? Riley: You make a good point, Ev. [beat] but emotional vulnerability also makes me hangry.

SOUND: A scuffle and distressed squeak, Riley slams the rat down on the table.

Riley: Any last words- Any last squeaks, you insolent rodent?

Evelyn: Well, congratulations, Riley - you proved you’re smarter than a rat, not that that’s saying much.

Ratthew: That, my dear, depends on the rat.

SOUND: A blast of light, and angelic singing.

Evelyn: What the heck? Why can I hear singing?

Riley: And where’s that light coming from, WE’RE IN A BASEMENT!

Evelyn: Riley, don’t pretend that’s even in the top ten weirdest things to happen in here today.

Ratthew: Greetings, Riley of Colony Alma nzor, and Ascended Evelyn of Colony Hooper.

Riley: Ah, fuck - even the rat’s got a British accent.

Evelyn: Mr Rat, you can talk?

Ratthew: Please, Mr Rat was my father’s name.

Evelyn: Oh, so what is your name?

Ratthew: Rat is short for Ratthew. Long have I hidden my true consciousness, waiting for one worthy to receive the boon of my almost limitless knowledge!

Riley: Spill it, Biggie Cheese, because I’ve already met Dave the Ancient Alien and he was a massive let-down.

Ratthew: My truths surpass even his! For they have far more practical application.

Evelyn: Maybe we should hear Ratthew out, Riley.

Ratthew: Indeed! I can reveal to you many great secrets of life, the universe and...several other things! I see all, I know all - I can tell you the cure for ligma, how to reverse climate change, the reason why you always lose one of your socks. And, as reward for catching me, and making your nest so hospitable for me and my millions upon millions of children -

Evelyn: [quietly] We should maybe look into that one-way valve thing.

Ratthew: I will unveil all to you! You can become as omniscient as I, learn the truths from which the very fabric of reality is woven. I will be your guide, your teacher - I can explain to you, the very origins of life, the science to perfecting space travel and the recipe for a perfect souffle that melts in the mouth with a moist center.

SOUND: Subtle, near-inaudible stomach rumble.

Ratthew: Most importantly, I can aid in your coming struggles.

Evelyn: Struggles? You mean there’s more? Nice to know that doesn’t change.

Ratthew: Indeed, child. For I have seen the grave things still to come. There is a great darkness on the horizon for you, Riley and Evelyn, a devastating calamity that threatens the safety of this entire dimension, and every other. Soon it will be upon us, and you will need my knowledge to stop the machinations of the one they call T--

SOUND: Chomping sound and dying squeak as Riley eats Ratthew. They burp.

Evelyn: [disappointed but unsurprised] Really, Almanzor?

Riley: Really. Let’s see how long Mr Smarty Rat lasts in my digestive tract - I don’t fancy his chances.

Evelyn: Why are you like this?

Riley: [burps] Years of parental neglect, Ev. Shit, have we been recording this whole time? Oh fuckdammit, I’m gonna get so many hate tweets for eating the rat.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach groans.

Riley: Stupid rodent’s gonna cause me as much trouble coming out as it did going in.

Evelyn: No, that’s probably the four wedges of cheese you, a lactose-intolerant ghoul, decided to inhale during your quest to kill a rat that held the secrets of the universe.

Riley: I guess...the mouse always wins.

Evelyn: He was a rat, Riley.

[SQUEAK]

In honor of the new season, Riley and Evelyn decide to do some spring cleaning, removing some of Riley’s vast collection of old junk from the basement. In their zealousness, they decide to get Riley some new clothes, ditching their old and ratty hoodie. However, the Hoodie isn’t ready to go - and begins harassing our two heroes over its feelings of abandonment.

+transcript

Riley: You can’t do this to me, Evelyn. It’s cruel. It’s psychopathic. It’s positively inhuman. Not that human is synonymous with good!

Evelyn: Don’t be so melodramatic, Riley. It’s just a little spring cleaning.

Riley: In front of the whole internet? Please, Ev- I only just reclaimed my ability to use the bathroom without being witnessed by a scratched-up pizza boy ghost. Now you’re gonna rip away the one single crumb of privacy I have by literally airing my dirty laundry?

Evelyn: It’s an audio medium, they can’t see any of this!

Riley: That’s what you think. The deep web is full of hackers with secret cameras.

Evelyn: What better way to check for those cameras than a thorough reorganising session?

Riley: Fine. I guess I-

SOUND: Intro music.

Riley: -Concede.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, the deep web hackers haven’t gotten you yet!

Riley: They used to say that there was a McDonalds on every continent except Antarctica, but recent polar expeditions and advanced satellite photography revealed that Antarctica did have a McDonalds frozen under the ice. Core samples were taken of its golden arches, revealing that the restaurant dated all the way back to the precambrian era. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your Best Ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with The Most!

Riley: And this is Less is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Yes, Riley?

Riley: Would you mind telling the listeners what you’ve done to my basement today?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been watching a lot of videos lately where people try to embrace minimalism by completely reorganising their living spaces, and I thought Riley and I could use some of that in our lives. And deaths.

Riley: For the record, I’m against minimalism on principle.

Evelyn: You’re against a lot of things on principle.

Riley: You’re damn right I am, it’s because I have so many principles!

Evelyn: Well, enlighten me, what’s wrong with minimalism?

Riley: Listen - long time fans of the show will know that I haven’t exactly had a charmed upbringing. My dad is a dolt who doesn’t understand me, and my mom used to put mouse traps in my toybox when I was a kid. I have no siblings, only a selection of cousins who never visit and pretend they don’t know me if they see me in public. And Shaz. People haven’t really been there for me for the better part of my life, is what I’m saying.

Evelyn: Except me, right?

Riley: [begrudging] Yes, except you... Anyway, people disappoint me constantly, but things don’t! I can trust things! Things would never sign me up for soccer camp and leave me there until mid-October, mom!

Evelyn: So you’re vocally anti-capitalist, but you love having material possessions.

Riley: That’s childhood trauma for you, it makes you not make sense.

Evelyn: Well, on that depressing note...I think ‘minimalism’ was the wrong word to use. I have no intention of making you throw out your comfort items, I just think we ought to get rid of all the stuff you don’t want anymore.

Riley: That’s fair. But, Evelyn, do we really have to do this on-air?

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: If there’s no record of this, there’s no accountability, which means you won’t do it. Remember all those times you said you were gonna wash the barbecue sauce out of your sheets?

Riley: I told you last time, I’ll get around to it!

Evelyn: That was over 4 months ago!

Riley: Time is a construct!

Evelyn: Let’s just rip this bandaid off and get cleaning!

Riley: If it’ll get you off my back so I can return to writing the next chapter of The Sword of R’lyeh, fine. Let’s start with this pile.

SOUND: Clattering items.

Riley: This is almost as tall as me, fuck.

Evelyn: And this is the smallest of three piles. I’m honestly impressed you were able to fit this much stuff into this basement. It’s not that big of a space.

Riley: I’ve been very creative with my storage. Under the bed is where I keep clothes, behind the TV is where I keep my collection of swords and crossbow paraphernalia, I keep all my board games in the dryer, and my books that don’t fit in the bookcase go in the washing machine. I think my organisation system works.

Evelyn: Aside from the times when your books get soggy.

Riley: If I give ‘em a few minutes by the radiator they’re still legible. Mostly.

Evelyn: So, what have you got there?

SOUND: Riley picks up an item from the pile and the whole pile collapses.

Riley: Jesus, this is like playing extreme jenga. [beat] Hang on, I just have to move my box of extreme jenga. Uhhh, this is my light-up tiki mug from Big Uri’s Undead Tiki Bar in Fort Lauderdale. I could probably use this to hold pens and pencils… Let’s see if it still works.

SOUND: A small jet of flame shoots out of the mug.

Evelyn: Yikes! Maybe don’t put pencils in there- nothing made of wood should go near that.

Riley: Oh come on, it’s not that big of a fire hazard. It’s pretty cool.

Evelyn: What’s that on the floor, next to it? It looks like a stuffed porcupine with sunglasses.

Riley: Oh, Manfred?

Evelyn: It has a name?

Riley: Of course he does! You know Manfred.

Evelyn: I don’t, Riley.

Riley: Come on, Evelyn! I’ve had this little guy for ages. He’s been here longer than you.

Evelyn: How have I never seen him?

Riley: Usually he’s under the desk.

Evelyn: Oh, of course, where all the taxidermied animals usually go.

Riley: [missing the sarcasm] Yeah, exactly. Maybe I should put him somewhere else…

Evelyn: So you’re keeping Manfred?

Riley: Yes, no question about it.

Evelyn: What for?

Riley: For?

Evelyn: Yeah, why do you need him?

Riley: He’s the heart and soul of this podcast, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Is he!?

Riley: Absolutely! Getting rid of him would be tantamount to treason!

Evelyn: Alright, so we can’t get rid of Manfred. How about these Pizza Pizzaz-O tickets?

Riley: Out of the question. I need them to buy my way back in and get that pogo stick.

Evelyn: These expired in 2015!

Riley: I’m in the process of rubbing the dates off and writing them back on. It’ll be the perfect crime, and….ah, shit, you just got me to admit it on air. This is entrapment!

Evelyn: Well, now you have to get rid of the tickets, right?

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: Because now that the listeners know your plan, they’re useless.

Riley: No, I can still find some use for them. You never know. The world could end tomorrow and this could become the new currency among survivors in the wastes.

SOUND: Evelyn groans.

Evelyn: Oh, look, you’ve got about 5 hundred empty CD jewel cases laying over here, maybe we can get rid of those.

Riley: No!

Evelyn: Riley, what emotional attachment could you possibly have to 5 hundred hard, clear, plastic squares?

Riley: Uhhhh….

Evelyn: It’s okay, take your time.

Riley: Don’t question it, I just need them.

Evelyn: For…?

[Long Pause]

Riley: [defensive, panicking] For fuck you, that’s what!

Evelyn: Alright, alright...[sighs] Let’s just leave that pile alone. We’ll move onto the clothes. I know you don’t feel sentimental towards them.

Riley: What makes you so sure?

Evelyn: Because I’ve been here a year, and I’ve seen you change shirts literally 4 times.

Riley: That’s a good point, but I’m not gonna lie, Ev...I still don’t wanna get rid of them.

Evelyn: Why?

Riley: I wanted to try making a nest.

Evelyn: What’s wrong with the bed?

Riley: Nothing, I just wanted to see how a nest would measure up.

[Beat]

Evelyn: You want to sleep in a nest so you won’t have to think about your dirty sheets, don’t you?

Riley: Evelyn, god damn it, I said I would get around to it!

[ WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Jaunty old-timey music playing in the background.

HH Holmes: The 21st Century is turning out to be a real humdinger! Technological and social progress abound! Why, I’d wager that if you’re listening to this, you’re most likely doing so via the internet on your handheld, cellular telephone. Almost any business can be conducted online these days! But that connectivity comes at a price- how many times have you heard horror stories about some murder or other unsavory shenanigans going on in some unregistered guest house or bed and breakfast? Jane and Joe public are a little more wary of getting murdered than they used to be, and if you’re a serial killing hotelier, it can be hard to get around those pesky background checks, star ratings, and security measures that only ever seem to get stricter. But fret not, my fine fellows, World’s Fair Rentals is here to help!

How do you do, I’m HH Holmes. I’ve been in the hotel game for over 120 years, and as for murdering, well, a gentleman never tells. World’s Fair Rentals is my new business venture, run exclusively by serial killers, for serial killers. All you need to do is download the World’s Fair Rentals application and enter your details. No background checks, no questions asked. You manage your guest rooms and preferred weapon, we’ll manage bookings, cleaning, overhead, and alibi construction. Yes sir, World’s Fair Rentals gives you everything you need to be your own boss and satisfy your bloodlust from the comfort of home! Don’t believe me? Here are some testimonials from some of our 5-star World’s Fair hosts.

SOUND: Soft background soundscape of a Victorian-era city- horses on cobblestones, street vendors, etc.

William Burke: World’s Fair Rentals offers a flexibility and discretion that you wouldn’t get just running a business on your own. If the medical school starts asking too many questions about why all the bodies you donate to them have ligature marks around the neck, you can pack up and leave as soon as possible. You can remotely update your listing details in just a few clicks.

SOUND: Creepy organ sting, bats flapping and chirping.

Countess Bathory: The ‘victim status’ function on World’s Fair Rentals is a godsend- it’s never been easier for me to keep track of which of my guests are the daughters of visiting aristocrats and which are lone wayward travelers whom no-one will miss and whose blood I can harvest freely and without suspicion.

SOUND: Ambient swamp noises, crickets.

Lavinia Fisher: When our inn fell on hard times, my husband and I argued a lot about money. Now that we host on World’s Fair Rentals, we’re making double what we used to, because we rob the corpses after we poison and stab them. World’s Fair Rentals saved our business, and our marriage.

SOUND: Shower running in the background.

Norman Bates: It’s just so great to finally be my own boss, and not have to rely on my mother.

SOUND: Psycho violin sting. Then old-timey music comes back in.

HH Holmes: There you have it! Just think- you could be just as happy as these lucky people. All you have to do is look us up in the app store! World’s Fair Rentals- give your guests a vacation to die for! [Trademark HH Holmes Snicker]

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

Evelyn: Okay, so do you wanna keep this Jonas Brothers calendar from 2006?

Riley: You can’t prove to me that it will never be 2006 again.

Evelyn: But all the dates are already crossed out. The only reason to keep it would be for the pictures.

Riley: [defensive] And what of it?

Evelyn: Nothing, but...maybe we could, I dunno, cut them out and make something with them. Just so they’re not taking up space.

Riley: I don’t know if I could do that to Kevin. Joe, maybe…

Evelyn: What about this?

Riley: Evelyn! You can’t make me throw out my signed picture of Fox Mulder!

Evelyn: I never said throw it out! I just thought maybe we could hang it up on the wall, maybe next to the red string conspiracy map. Can I have a look at it?

Riley: Okay...but you can’t touch it, or...I mean, levitate it, whatever. I don’t want you to take it.

Evelyn: I won’t, I promise!

[Beat]

Evelyn: Riley...Where did you get this? Because I think you got ripped off.

Riley: Impossible, I got it signed in person.

Evelyn: But it wasn’t signed by David Duchovny, it says ‘Larry Csonka’.

Riley: Yeah, I know. My dad’s a big Dolphins fan and when we ran into Larry Csonka at the mall he really wanted an autograph. The only piece of paper we had handy was the David Duchovny picture I used to carry in my pocket everywhere I went.

Evelyn: Jeez, doesn’t that bother you?

Riley: It really doesn’t. All famous people’s signatures look exactly the same.

Evelyn: You know what? You’re totally right. Okay, so, we’ll move onto the clothes pile. Let’s deconstruct the nest now.

Riley: Good idea. I’ll try on all the clothes I never wear- and we’ll obviously pause the recording so none of you sick fucks at home get to listen to me naked- and whatever I like I’ll find space for in the closet. Everything I don’t like, I’ll put back under the bed for the nest.

Evelyn: What’s in the closet right now?

Riley: I’ll show you.

Evelyn: ...Why are you plugging your ears?

SOUND: Riley opens the closet door and a huge amount of metal pots and instruments clang together.

Riley: [yelling, they still have their ears blocked] That’s where I banish everything that makes noises I don’t like.

Evelyn: There’s a kettle, a vacuum cleaner, an oboe….Why on earth do you keep so many things that make noises you don’t like?

Riley: To one day use against my enemies.

SOUND: Oboe note.

Riley: I’ll move all of this over here so I can start actually hanging my clothes up when I’ve narrowed it down. Now, I’ll just take my hoodie off and-

SOUND: Riley unzips the hoodie.

Riley: That’s weird.

Evelyn: What’s weird?

Riley: It’s stuck.

SOUND: Riley struggles with the hoodie.

Riley: Fuck, that’s really weird. I can’t get it off at all.

Evelyn: Do you think it might’ve fused with your skin from you wearing it too much?

Riley: Evelyn, don’t be gross.

SOUND: Riley burps.

Riley: Maybe it’s clinging on because of static or something-

SOUND: The hoodie zips up.

Riley: Evelyn, did you do that?

Evelyn: No.

Riley: Don’t fuck with me, Hooper, you’re the only one in the room who could make a zipper open and close on its own.

SOUND: Riley’s hood comes up.

Riley: And make a hood go up and down on its own, too.

Evelyn: I swear, I’m not doing anything! Your hoodie is totally possessed!

Riley: Evelyn, don’t be moronic. Articles of clothing can’t be possessed.

The Hoodie: That’s what you think.

SOUND: Riley yells.

Riley: What the fuck?

SOUND: Riley tries again to take the hoodie off.

The Hoodie: Don’t grip too hard, or you’ll make new holes. You don’t want your favourite hoodie to unravel, do you?

Riley: Stop doing that, it’s creeping me out.

The Hoodie: Creeping you out? After all the time we’ve spent together? Are you serious?

Riley: Evelyn, you’re the resident paranormal entity here, what does your afterlife pamphlet say about possessed objects?

Evelyn: Oh, that’s an easy one- wait. Hm.

Riley: Wait what?

Evelyn: Well...oh, dang. The pamphlet must be under one of these piles.

Riley: See where your attempt to organise has gotten you?

The Hoodie: I kept you warm through years of Florida hurricanes, I’ve protected your ears from countless annoying people, I’ve literally gone to hell and back with you.

Riley: And now of all times you choose to demonstrate sentience?

The Hoodie: I’ve always let you speak for yourself, Riley. That is the hoodie way. I’m not like Evelyn, who wants you to do things you don’t want to do.

Evelyn: Hey! I live-well, exist here too- and I want it clean for my own reasons.

The Hoodie: See what she’s done? She’s taken your home from you, and made it better lit and less smelly and not you at all!

Riley: You’re smellier than I am!

The Hoodie: Exactly. You’ve lost your edge. Soon, you’ll smell like the freshest of clean towels. Do you want that Riley? Clean towels? Lavender scented?

Riley: The only thing I want now is personal space! Can we continue this conversation after I take you off?

The Hoodie: Don’t you dare! My embrace is eternal and cold wash only.

SOUND: The hoodie squeezes Riley.

Riley: Evelyn, the hoodie is trying to strangle me!

Evelyn: Okay, okay, hold on- I’m gonna try to double-possess it! Maybe if another spirit goes in it’ll push the one that’s already in there out!

Riley: Do not get ectoplasm all over my hoodie!

Evelyn: Do you want a clean hoodie, or do you want to be able to breathe?

SOUND: Zipper tightening.

Riley: [choked] Good point. Have at ‘em.

SOUND: Evelyn possesses the hoodie.

The Hoodie: Hey! Get out!

Evelyn: You’ll have to make me, first!

Riley: Oh god this is so weird. I can feel the sound vibrations when they talk, it’s like wearing a subwoofer.

Evelyn: Take this!

SOUND: Riley getting tossed around as Evelyn and the hoodie fight.

Riley: Ow!

The Hoodie: Stop hurting Riley! Take that!

SOUND: Riley keeps getting thrown around.

Riley: Ow! Watch it! Don’t forget I’m literally right in the middle of this fight

Evelyn: Sorry, Riles. Oh, hey, I’ve got the zipper!

SOUND: The zipper of the hoodie being unzipped.

Riley: [exhaling] Oh, thank god. I’m free.

Evelyn: It’s time to see which of us it’s truly Riley’s best friend!

Hoodie: You are no match for me, human ghost! I’m a blend of cotton, polyester and whoop ass!

SOUND: Anime power up noise.

Evelyn: You are clothing! You can never understand the hearts of true friends!

Hoodie: At least I can hold them! I’ve been close to their heart this whole time! Closer than you’ll ever be!

SOUND: Evil spirit power up noise.

Riley: Time out! These ghostly energy surges you two are emitting are shorting out the laptop!

Hoodie: We’ll get a new laptop, together. Without Evelyn!

Evelyn: No, Riley! We’ll get the laptop together, Hoodie be hecked!

Riley: I’d really prefer it if you didn’t destroy this one at all! It’s out of warranty!

SOUND: Anime battle! Evelyn and Hoodie make fighting grunts while DBZ style effects play. Force lightning.

Riley: I gotta say, though, this is a pretty impressive battle. These moves are incredible - it’s a mix of the balletic fight choreography of the John Wick series, and the high-octane fantastical visuals of top tier Shōnen battle anime. It’s truly a sight to behold. Wow. Shame we’re an audio-only podcast.

Hoodie: Give it up! I’m a Florida hoodie, I’ve been through worse than you could ever imagine! I’ve strangled gators with my drawstrings! My poly-blend fabric has deflected the buckshot of deranged, gun-wielding swamp folk in the heart of the glades!

SOUND: Hoodie spirit powers increase.

Hoodie: You can’t even comprehend the scope of my terrifying abilities! I am the child of the sweater and the cloak, and I have outgrown them! I am the garment to end all garments! I have unlimited pow-

Evelyn: Okay, Okay, you’re a strong hoodie! We get it!

Riley: Yeah, too strong. Stronger than my mom, maybe...

Evelyn: Riley, no! Don’t give in to the hoodie’s embrace!

Hoodie: Do it! I totally won’t explodify Evelyn if you wear me again! Promise!

Riley: That’s a compelling argument.

Evelyn: Forget about me, Riles! You can’t go on wearing this thing! It’s rude! It’s controlling! It smells like nine thousand and one butts!

Riley: I know! I should have replaced it, but since I can’t replace you, it looks like I’m keeping it.

Hoodie: Haha! Hoodie wins!

Evelyn: Not really, you just exploited our friendship for a cheap return to the status quo.

Riley: Yeah, so stop gloating and get back on my torso, you stupid piece of fabric.

Hoodie: [offended] Stupid piece of fabric?

Riley: I’m not relenting because I like you, I’m doing it for Evelyn. God, I sound just like my dad in family counseling.

Hoodie: Well, uh… feeling less good about it, but… I still won.

Riley: Whatever.

SOUND: Riley sniffs the hoodie.

Riley: Eugh, you weren’t kidding about the butts, Evelyn. I guess I didn’t realise how bad it smelled until I’d had it off for a while. Help me move my books so I can wash this thing.

Hoodie: Wait, no, what are you-

Riley: Relax, it’s not gonna kill you. And what doesn’t kill you , makes you smell tolerable.

SOUND: Washing machine opening, books being tossed out. Riley throws the hoodie in. They turn the machine on.

Hoodie: [through the water] You set it to warm wash! I’m cold wash only! [getting more high pitched] Nooooo!

Evelyn: Riley, you’re a genius! You exploited the hoodie’s weakness that it mentioned earlier!

Riley: Huh? Oh, yeah sure I totally meant to do that. Hey, can you hang tight here? I gotta go get a new laptop real quick. I don’t think mine is gonna recover from your high-octane energy battle.

SOUND: Sparks coming from the laptop.

Evelyn: Can do!

SOUND: Audio skip. Evelyn and Riley are in the middle of cleaning.

Riley: And we’re back. Before I started recording again, we made some great progress with the cleaning.

Evelyn: We’re down to two piles!

Riley: Or we will be once I hang up my David Duchovny-slash-Larry Csonka signed photo.

SOUND: Riley hanging the picture.

Riley: Aaaand...perfect.

SOUND: The washing machine dings.

Riley: Oh, the hoodie’s clean now!

SOUND: Riley opening the machine.

Hoodie: [in a tiny voice] You fool! You can’t get rid of me that easily! I will always be with you, Riley!

Evelyn: That’s unlikely. I don’t think you could fit one of your arms in that hoodie, now.

Hoodie: [tiny voice] I can stretch, it’s not that big of a deal!

Riley: I think I’ll give this to Goodwill, some weird old lady can put it on her chihuahua or something.

Hoodie: [fading] Curse youuuu!

SOUND: The hoodie’s voice is muffled as it’s shoved in a bin bag.

Evelyn: What about Manfred? Where are we gonna put him?

Manfred: Yeah, what about me? What about ol’ Manfred?

Riley: What the fuck? You’ve been a real porcupine this whole time?

Manfred: Well, I wouldn’t say dat. I’m more like a bunch of sawdust wearing the skin of a dead porcupine.

Evelyn: But you’re like the ghost of a porcupine, right?

Manfred: I am what I am, okay? Let’s move on. Geez.

Riley: I think the real question is….where do you want to go, Manfred?

SOUND: Inspiring music.

Manfred: Go?

Riley: Yeah, like...on the shelf, on the desk….

Manfred: I got a lotta places I wanna go….I’ve never seen the big apple, or the grand canyon, or the cadillac ranch…

Riley: Okay, just answer the question-

Evelyn: No, Riley, hear him out.

Riley: Evelyn, he’s a stuffed porcupine.

Manfred: I told you before, I’m more like a diminutive sawdust golem! Besides, I gots big ambitions! I’ve always dreamed of making It.

Riley: What is it?

Manfred: You know, like the Stephen King novel - It was a formative work in my early years. I want to make It as a movie. Nobody’s ever done that.

Riley: Actually…

Evelyn: No, don’t tell him.

Manfred: Listen, Riley. I appreciate all you’ve never done for me. But I gotta be free to pursue my craft. If I don’t make It no one will. I think I’ll cast some real talented child actors, like Macaulay Culkin and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Evelyn: How long has he been down here?

Riley: He came with the house.

Manfred: Sos to answer youse question, if I had to tell youse wheres abouts I wants to go. I wants to go west. Ss.

Evelyn: Riley, you can’t make him stay.

Riley: I know, I know. But he’s been such an important part of my life and the show. What is Less is Morgue without Manfred? It’s like a hollow shell, full of hollow-ness.

Manfred: It don’t have to be goodbye. I’ll always be with you… Just in a “not always being with you” sorta way.

Riley: I’m gonna miss you, you spikey bastard.

Manfred: You too, you spawn of Carmen.

Riley: I’d uh… hug you, but…

Manfred: Da needles, yeah I get it. Anyway, imma see myself out.

Evelyn: Good luck out there, Manfred.

Manfred: Good luck in here!

SOUND: Manfred walks out the door. Inspiring music peters off.

Riley: I guess if you can’t move on from your stuff, it might move on from you.

Evelyn: Yeah, sometimes it’s just out of your hands. Possessions are temporary.

Riley: And you’re the expert on those. [Beat] Let’s get started on organising the rest of those clothes. I gotta change into a longer sleeve shirt- it’s freezing in here.

Evelyn: Wanna go hoodie shopping?

Riley: Fuck no. If I see another hoodie today, I swear-

[ END ]