Riley is contacted by Moxie, an excitable aspiring filmmaker and witch, who wants to adapt The Sword of R’lyeh into an independent movie. However, creative differences soon throw a wrench into the works...

+transcript

SOUND: Panicked fumbling from the microphone being haphazardly grabbed. Riley is in a state of manic excitement.

Riley: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I have the greatest, most important, and most groundbreaking news to share with all of you!

Evelyn: Yeah, tell ‘em, Riles! This is so exciting!

Riley: Your best ghoulfriend has just been contacted by a legit FILMMAKER! That’s right, a maker of films! And she wants to make…

Evelyn: Wait for it…Ghost drumroll! [makes drumroll noises]

Riley: An adaptation of my ingenious fantasy novel, The Sword of R’lyeh, into a real movie! No, maybe even an epic trilogy-- no, octology. I’ve been practicing my Oscar speech all morning. [clears throat] “First of all, fuck you, Mom, for not believing in me. In fact, fuck all--

SOUND: Riley’s Oscar screed is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: “And in conclusion, you can’t silence me, no matter how loud you play that music, because I still have four more hours of speech left!”

Evelyn: I think you got lost in the fantasy there, Riles.

Riley: I’m just planning for possible contingencies, in the event they try to suppress my truths.

Evelyn: [excitedly] So, can I read the email?

Riley: Go for it!

Evelyn: [clears throat] “Dear Mx. Almanzor,” Oh wow, she got your gender right!

Riley: [delighted] Right!? The bar of decency just got a centimeter higher!

Evelyn: It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is! Anyway, “I’m emailing you to say that I’m the biggest fan of your writing and I will fight anyone who says you’re not a genius to the death in single combat!”

Riley: You hear that, listeners? That’s the kind of devotion I want in a fan.

Evelyn: “I’m a practicing witch and a really good filmmaker and I would like to adapt the Sword of R’lyeh into an epic film asdjkdfk--.” I think maybe she fell asleep on the keyboard?

Riley: Whatever. Either way, the audience now understands how incredible an opportunity this is for all life in the universe.

Evelyn: “Sincerely, Moxie Colburn. P.S. I’d love to come down to the morgue and talk about it on your podcast. It’s at a morgue, right? Cause I’m banned from a couple of those. But nobody has to know. See you then. At the morgue. Byeeee!” And then a bunch of emojis. Mostly hearts, kissy lips, and then one of those red Japanese masks with the long noses. Not sure how to interpret that.

Riley: Trust me, it’s good. Also, this is a basement, not a morgue.

Evelyn: This is all so exciting! I love it when we have intentional guests!

Riley: Yeah! I wonder when they’ll get here. How do I look? Is my hair alright?

Mox: Your hair is perfect, you look amazing, and I’m already here! Jazz hands!

SOUND: Riley & Evelyn scream.

Mox: Oh no! Did I startle you!?

Riley: No, I’m screaming with excitement.

Evelyn: Me too!

SOUND: All three of them scream.

Mox: Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get right down to business. I’m so excited to meet both of you--

SOUND: Riley screams again, by themself.

Riley: I’m sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Please continue.

Mox: No, no! Screams are good! I love screams!

Evelyn: So this is Moxie?

Mox: Yep! Moxie Colburn at your service! Witch! Filmmaker! Special effects makeup extraordinaire! Part-time Über driver! Full-time Sword of R’lyeh super fan!

Evelyn: Ooh, you can see me! [beat; concerned] Oh no, you’re not a deranged murderer, are you? Or a cosmic being? Or technically undead? Or high on a number of illicit substances?

Mox: [snort laughing] Naw! I brewed up a potion just for this occasion! Took some really specific ingredients, too… Know where I can replenish my supply of Chex mix?

Riley: Walmart, probably. I’ll ask Tiffany. ANYWAY! Let’s talk about this movie. Or trilogy. Or Octology--

Mox: Pentadecalogy!

Riley: The movie.

Mox: The movie!

Evelyn: The movie!

Riley: Let’s talk about it.

Mox: Let’s.

Evelyn: Wow. We’re actually having a normal episode of the podcast for once!

Riley: Hell yeah! Eat my ass, NPR! Everyone knows your name stands for Nationally Pre-approved Reality!

Evelyn: Not true--

Riley: So, how do you wanna do this? How many actors do we need to hire? What scenes are you thinking of including? Tell me every detail I want to hear, exactly how I want to hear it!

Mox: Well! I was thinking of focusing on the Trial of Cord’dra’mah arc. Don’t get me wrong, all of it was dynamite, but the imagery of that part really inspired me.

Riley: Oh, you mean between pages 4,356 and 8,167? Will we include the hunt for Nahog the Terrible or are you thinking of leaving that for the sequel?

Evelyn: I remember beta-reading that part! It had some really interesting word choices!

Mox: OHHHH! Lucky! I would KILL to be able to beta read for the Sword of R’lyeh!

SOUND: Papers rustle excitedly.

Riley: Really? ‘Cause I have my latest manuscript right here!

SOUND: Mox gasps in excitement.

Evelyn: Let’s stay on task, people. We’ve got a movie to make!

Riley: Right, right. I can just email them to you later.

Mox: Down to business! I like that! First step, brainstorming!

Riley: But wait, why would we need to brainstorm? It’s all down there on the page.

Evelyn: Well, it’s an adaptation. What works on the page, doesn’t always translate well to the screen.

Riley: [a little dejected] Oh… Right. That’s… fine. I suppose.

Mox: Think of it like this: The book is its own thing, and so is the movie. That means there will be two whole amazing Sword of R’lyeh things out there in the world when we’re done.

Riley: [perked up] Two Swords of R’lyeh? I do like the sound of that.

Evelyn: Exactly! I’m really proud of how well you’re taking this, Riles.

Riley: Okay so...What’s the first step?

Mox: First, we need to identify the heart and soul of the Sword of R’lyeh! Movies are a lot more streamlined than books, so I think we need to figure out what makes this story work as well as it does. I think the emotional core of the movie will definitely be the friendship between R’lyeh and Eve the Bard.

Evelyn: I like where this is going!

Riley: I mean, that would be a pretty cool aspect to have in the film. It’s been really fun to write! But what about all the action, and the set pieces, and all the scenes of R’lyeh being a genius and a badass?

Mox: Those can still be in there! My friend Yoga Keith knows Taekwondo, karate, and Wii Sports, so he can be the on-set stunt coordinator.

Evelyn: And I know first aid from girl scouts if anyone gets injured!

Riley: I’m going to play R’lyeh, obviously.

Mox: Have you ever acted on camera before?

Riley: No, but I normally stare straight ahead into the wall when we’re recording the show, so I just have to face the camera, right?

Mox: Yes! With as much eye contact with the camera as possible. Really make the audience feel seen!

Riley: I always thought all the best parts of movies were when the actors look directly at the screen, so I’m glad that I’m hearing it confirmed by a real filmmaker.

Mox: Anyone who knows their stuff will tell you, acting is all in the eyes and nowhere else.

Evelyn: Which is good because Riley is like, 90% eyes.

Mox: I know! It’s captivating!

Riley: Where will we get the armor? It has to be authentic medieval pig iron.

Mox: Yoga Keith is also a blacksmith.

Evelyn: We’re learning some fascinating things about your friend Keith, Moxie.

Mox: Yoga Keith. Oh, also, I had a few teeny, tiny, itty bitty ideas for plot alterations, just to ease the transition. How do you feel about cowboys?

Riley: Hate ‘em.

Mox: How do you feel about cowboys in Sword of R’lyeh?

Riley: Don’t like it.

Mox: I hear what you’re saying, but what if the Sword of R’lyeh had cowboys in it!

Riley: [pained struggle noises] What are your other ideas? I’m being open-minded.

Evelyn: [whispering] Proud of you!

Mox: You know the orcs R’lyeh fights on the Wall of Martia?

Riley: Actually, it’s In the Wall of Martia, it’s more a conceptual wall, but yes, I remember the orcs I wrote.

Mox: Well, I was thinking, “orcs as enemies” is such a played-out trope. What if… they were friends coming to help R’lyeh in a time of need?

Evelyn: Awww, that sounds nice.

Riley: [frustrated] But then who is R’lyeh going to suplex in that scene? They’re not even in a time of need if they don’t have orcs to fight!

Mox: I always saw R’lyeh’s real battle as being more of an internal struggle against their own insecurities.

Riley: [indignant] It is not! It is an external fight against orcs inside of a giant fuck-off wall!

Evelyn: Didn’t you just say that The Wall was conceptual?

Riley: Film is a visual medium! The Wall can be real, and I’m the writer, so that’s that.

Mox: There’ll still be other action scenes, though! I have this amazing idea!

Riley: I’m listening…

Mox: R’lyeh falls… into a snake pit!

[beat]

Riley: What?

Mox: Snake pit! A pit of snakes! Snakes in a pit. A bunch of little guys down there. Snake pit. R’lyeh falls into it.

Riley: No.

Mox: [devastated] But… But why not…?

Riley: Because it’s stupid! Riley- I mean, R’lyeh is too cool and genius-brained to ever fall into a snake pit, like some dunce in that adventure game I can’t beat. Plus, if R’lyeh fell into a snake pit, which they wouldn’t, they’d actually enjoy it, because they’d just eat all the snakes!

Mox: [scandalized gasp] How dare you! What did those innocent little noodles ever do to R’lyeh?

Riley: Calling them noodles doesn’t make them less edible!

Evelyn: Wait, can we back up? Isn’t the point of a snake pit that it’s dangerous?

Mox: Well, this would be more of a friendly snake pit… Still lots of blood and violence, but from the fall!

Riley: I thought you were a fan! R’lyeh’s armor grants them various sorceries that include immunity to fall damage.

Mox: I don’t remember that in the book.

Evelyn: [whispers] Riley, you’re confusing your book’s canon with your D&D character.

Riley: There’s only one canon, Evelyn! And it’s whatever I say it is! I am the author! Master of story-craft! You think you can point a camera at my brain and make it do the chicken dance, well, no way! I don’t need this! [beat] Wait… Actually, I do need this. [sigh] I’m gonna go stand outside for a minute and calm down. Sorry.

SOUND: Riley leaves, the door slams behind them.

Mox: [hesitant, sad] I feel like I messed everything up… Did I mess everything up?

Evelyn: No, it’s okay! I actually really liked a lot of your ideas. And I’m sure Riley will come around eventually, too, they’re just a little bit precious with their stories, and they’re slow to adapt to change, too. How about we workshop some of those ideas?

Mox: [perked right back up] Yeah? I’d love to! I have so many more!

Evelyn: I’ve got some ideas too! Like what if Eve the Bard got more songs?

Mox: Oh! Eve can narrate the epic final battle… through song!

Evelyn: Yes! And maybe she helps R’lyeh defeat the Dark Lord through the power of friendship!

Mox: Yes, yes, yes! Then we’ll get started on the screen test--

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Ominous music, serious tone.

News Reporter: A series of violent and unexplained murders in the Tallahassee metro area has been leaving police shocked and horrified. Bodies torn apart, heads crushed, and the one thing in common has been an open box of the controversial new cereal, “Psych-O’s”, on the kitchen table...

SOUND: Cut to edgy, giggling, 90s-style cereal mascot: Killer Joe.

Killer Joe: Hey kids! It’s Killer Joe, and I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna go crazy for a fresh box of Psych-O’s, the only cereal packed full of pure PCP, for the cereal-killers in your life! You’ll do anything to get them - lie to your parents, hurt your friends, shoplift from the local supermarket, and more. They taste just that good.

SOUND: A bound, gagged victim lets out a muffled cry.

Killer Joe: Ooh! Somebody’s hungry! And it’s only been five minutes since his sixth bowl of Psych-O’s, but who am I to deny a guest what he wants?

SOUND: Maniacal laughter. Nasty noises. Screaming. Cut back to News Reporter.

News Reporter: Psych-O’s, they’re literally addictive. Keep them away from your kids today.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

SOUND: People walking & talking around. The slight echo of a more cavernous studio space. Noises of Moxie playing with equipment.

Yoga Keith: [quietly but with force; in the background] High kick! Hiyah! Karate! Reach for the sun!

Evelyn: We’re here at the set Moxie rented out! It’s really cool, and I’m hoping Riley will turn up sometime soon. They’re missing Yoga Keith’s awesome fight choreography demonstration!

Yoga Keith: [battle exertion noises]

Evelyn: He’s so flexible!

Mox: I know. What a hunk’a eye candy, huh?

Evelyn: How is all the equipment coming along, Moxie?

Mox: We’re looking real good! I’ve got the cameras, stands, lights, snacks, death lasers... Just need the star to show up now!

SOUND: The door is kicked down.

Riley: Alright, I’m here to save this movie-- Is that a snake pit?

SOUND: Subtle snake hissing.

Riley: They’re so… Small.

Mox: We’ll fix it in post.

Riley: Whatever. I’m here to save this movie with my badass fighting skills and unparalleled knowledge of the source material!

Evelyn: Yay! So Riley, Moxie and I talked it over, and I’m actually going to be the assistant director--

Mox: It’s going to be amazing! I’ve never had an assistant director before!

Riley: So who’s going to be playing Eve the Bard, then? Mox: Yoga Keith is!

Yoga Keith: Hiyah! [strums mandolin]

Riley: [impressed] He is undeniably limber. For a human. But why can’t you play her? The book isn’t autobiographical, but you’d be perfect for the part - by sheer coincidence.

Evelyn: Awww! I’d love to, but the cameras would have trouble tracking me with my whole… being dead thing.

Mox: And besides, this is only a screen test, we won’t be using it for the final movie. So Yoga Keith is just acting as a temporary stand-in before full casting. Right, YK?

Yoga Keith: HIYAH!

SOUND: Yoga Keith karate chops a block of wood in half.

Evelyn: Whoa, he just karate chopped a whole block of wood in half, he’s perfect!

Mox: Yeah, he does things like that.

Riley: And now it’s my turn to do something cool. What scene is this?

Mox: This is the battle of the Wall of Martia.

Riley: Where’s the wall?

Mox: We’ll fix it in post.

Riley: And why is there a snake pit at the Wall of Martia? Which, by the way, is a paddling pool full of about eight of the least threatening snakes I’ve ever seen.

SOUND: More quiet hissing.

Mox: Like I said, we’ll fix that in post.

Evelyn: While you were taking that break, Mox and I did a first draft of the script. I actually took a screenwriting elective in college, so I remembered a lot of the formatting.

Mox: You should see the ending she wrote. It made me cry for like, five whole hours! Then I took a lunch break, then I cried for like, another whole five hours. Then I had to call up my best friend to tell her I loved her, and now we’re here. I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Riley: That’s great and all, but people don’t watch movies to cry, they watch them to see the lives of cool strangers they wish they were. Speaking of, where’s my armor?

SOUND: Clanking as Yoga Keith approaches, holding the armor.

Yoga Keith: This pig iron was really difficult to work with, but I think I’ve finally got it. For aesthetics, I mixed a little of Geoffroi de Charny with a touch of William of Poitiers for texture. What do you guys think? Riley: [trembling voice] It’s… perfect... Wow, guys… This is kind of really coming together. I think this might actually work ou--

SOUND: Distant explosion.

Riley: What the f--

Mox: Aw, the special effects wagon blew up... I knew I shouldn’t have put the plastic explosives next to all those torches, but I couldn’t afford to rent a bigger wagon. Most of my money went towards the snake pits.

Riley: Why do you have plastic explosives?

Evelyn: For the car chase that Mox and I wrote into act two.

Riley: Excuse me? Cars? That’s not a part of the book, that’s a Pixar movie!

Mox: Exactly! No one knows how to drive in medieval times, which is why they all crash and explode! Except for R’lyeh, who’s smart and talented enough to know they should be on a horse.

Evelyn: You can add the explosions back in during post-production, right?

Mox: Post-production solves everything!

Riley: I’ll admit, that’s pretty rad, but it still spits in the face of historical accuracy, and I can’t pretend I’m fully comfortable with that.

Evelyn: But Riley, everyone knows orcs went extinct around the tenth century, and you still include them despite The Sword of R’lyeh clearly being set in the late medieval period.

Riley: That’s totally different, and you know it! Why did you add so much stuff?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been re-reading Save the Cat, and it says that it’s important to have conflict and rising action in Act 2, or the audience will get bored. In the original story, a lot of it is inner monologue about how great R’lyeh is, which doesn’t translate very well to the screen.

Riley: Haven’t you ever heard of narration? All the best movies use it!

Mox: You’re right! I’ll add it in post. Anyway, put your armor on, we’re almost ready to start filming!

Riley: But I don’t know my lines. Or where to stand.

Mox: You don’t need it, you just need to feel it! I believe in you!

SOUND: Clanking & shuffling as Riley puts on the armor and gets in place.

Riley: Okay. Here I am. What now?

Yoga Keith: Don’t forget your sword, I forged it this morning.

SOUND: He throws Riley the sword. They catch it.

Riley: Thanks, Yoga Keith.

Yoga Keith: No biggie.

Mox: Alright, I’m rolling. Say the line!

Riley: What line?

Evelyn: The line, Riles!

Riley: I don’t know what line it is! I was never given a script!

Yoga Keith: [whispering to Riley] Hark, an army appears doth yonder.

Riley: The army can wait, I need to figure out this line, Yoga Keith!

Mox: Okay, okay, maybe they just need to be read in. Keith, take it from the top!

SOUND: Mandolin strum.

Yoga Keith: [in character] Oh my strong and dear friend, R’lyeh, how fortuitous it is that there is no army to be seen. This means we will have more time to do taekwondo. Hiyah!

Evelyn: Great job, Yoga Keith! Just like we rehearsed!

Riley: Wait, you had rehearsals? When? Also, none of this is in the book!

Mox: We rehearsed from about six in the morning ‘til about five minutes before you walked in.

Yoga Keith: You were a few hours late, so I played all the parts.

Riley: A stick got caught in my scooter’s wheel, sue me! Can I at least see a script before we film anymore?

Mox: Good, that’s just how we wrote it! Now jump into the snake pit!

Riley: THAT was the correct line?

Evelyn: We went very postmodern with our adaptation, like Charlie Kaufman! Yoga Keith, next line! You can do it, buddy!

SOUND: Mandolin strum.

Yoga Keith: [in-character] Stride forth, my brave and noble friend R’lyeh, for there is no unexpected snake pit that you will most certainly fall into!

Riley: I have fall damage immunity! And my eyes are too good to miss that stupid rubber snake pit.

Mox: The snakes are real! And they have names! That’s Freddy, Jason, Dracula, Elvira, Chucky--

Riley: I’m not falling in the stupid pit! It’s not gonna happen!

Evelyn: Do the R’lyeh voice, Riley! Like at D&D! It’ll help immerse people in the scene!

Riley: I would if I knew my fucking lines! Script! Please!

Yoga Keith: [whispering to Riley] Eve, my trusty bard. Fetch me my finest chainmail for this upcoming battle. But before that, sing me a song to boost mineth spirits.

Riley: Again, Keith, I can’t respond to Eve’s lines if I don’t know what mine are!

Yoga Keith: [whispering louder to Riley] The army approaches even more so than it had previously approached. Somehow.

Riley: I don’t like that Eve is getting all the coolest lines. I’m feeling upstaged.

Evelyn: Those are your lines, Rile-- R’lyeh!

Riley: [unsure] The army approaches--

SOUND: Frantic mandolin strumming

Yoga Keith: The army is here! Everyone who isn’t as cool as you, my strong and perfect friend R’lyeh, must retreat!

Mox: [frantic, excited] Cue the thunder!

SOUND: Thunder booms overhead. All lines are shouted over the storm.

Riley: Is… Is it raining in here? What!?

Mox: Magic! It isn’t real-real! Keep going!

Riley: The army is--

Evelyn: Next line!

Riley: What is it?

Mox: It’s the Smoking Ents of T’iffany!

Riley: What? No, not those-- But where are they, anyway?

Mox: We’ll add it in post!

Evelyn: It’s stunt time, Riles! Do your thing!

Riley: Where? What? How? And don’t say anything about a snake pit if you want to keep your heads!

Yoga Keith: Don’t worry! It’s a stage sword!

Riley: A stage sword!? [breaks into a frustrated, feral scream] I can’t work under these conditions! This is bullshit, all of it! This stupid set!

SOUND: Riley grunts with exertion as they smash up the set with their sword.

Riley: This whole place is nothing but a big lie! A giant interwoven web of lies and deceit! And deception! I’ll tear it all down!

SOUND: Frantic mandolin music.

Mox: Wow, that stage sword is doing a lot of damage. YK really pulled out all the stops with that one.

Evelyn: They’re destroying the whole set! Keep playing, Yoga Keith! The music will calm them!

SOUND: The mandolin builds in intensity.

Yoga Keith: [panicked] I’ve got blisters on my fingers!

Mox: Toes! Toes, Yoga Keith, use your toes!

SOUND: Swoosh! Riley’s sword swings through the air. They continue to flail wildly and smash up the room around them.

Riley: Nothing will survive my wrath!

Evelyn: Do the voice, Riley! I believe in you!

Riley: [unintelligible angry yelling]

Mox: What are they doing?

Riley: I defy you, snake pit!

SOUND: Riley picks up the snake pit and flips it. Snakes go flying. Panicked hisses.

Mox: Oh no! My babies!

Riley: Slither away, you stupid freeloaders! Everyone betrayed me! I’m fed up with this world! [continues to scream]

Evelyn: [concerned] Riley!

Mox: Yoga Keith! Use your taekwondo, it’s our only hope!

Yoga Keith: I can’t play mandolin and do taekwondo at the same time! Curse my limited talent! I’m a failure! Don’t look at me!

SOUND: Mandolin drops to the floor. Yoga Keith runs away crying.

Evelyn: Yoga Keith, no! We’re nothing without you!

Riley: I am the flaming sword of justice! There is no escape!

SOUND: Riley smashes more things. Explosions. Mox and Evelyn scream. Audio cuts out.

[BEAT]

SOUND: The audio clicking back on. They’re back in the basement.

Mox: I had a lot of fun on-set last week! So, I’ve spent the last few days cleaning up the footage, and I think you’re really gonna like what you see. I did a lot of re-reading of the Sword of R’lyeh, and I’ve really narrowed down the spirit of the series.

Evelyn: That’s so cool! How are you feeling, Riley?

Riley: Better now. I was a little upset at the time, but all that senseless destruction was great for releasing pent-up rage. So, let’s see what you managed to salvage from that unmitigated disaster of a screen test.

SOUND: Click as Mox hits play.

[SWORD OF R’LYEH MOVIE BEGINS - ALL S.O.R AUDIO IS ITALICIZED/BOLDED. R’lyeh’s audio is pitched down slightly, and Eve the Bard’s is pitched up. All lines are repurposed audio from the prior sequence]

SOUND: Mandolin music fades in. Epic fantasy ambiance.

R’lyeh: I am the flaming sword of justice!

SOUND: Thunder. Swords clash epically.

Riley: Holy shit… That’s the Wall of Martia! And R’lyeh looks so cool!

Eve the Bard: Stride forth, my brave and noble friend R’lyeh, for there is no unexpected snake pit that you will most certainly fall into!

SOUND: Fearsome hissing of hell serpents

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, the snakes are huge!

R’lyeh: I defy you, snake pit!

SOUND: R’lyeh strikes at the snakes.

R’lyeh: Slither away!

Riley: [really getting into it] Yes, yes! Get ‘em!

Eve the Bard: The army is here! Everyone who isn’t as cool as you, my strong and perfect friend R’lyeh must retreat!

R’lyeh: Nothing will survive my wrath! [unintelligible angry yelling]

SOUND: The most epic battle you’ve ever heard. R’lyeh wins, of course.

Mox: [as an enemy soldier, pitched down] Wow, that [obvious cut] sword is doing a lot of damage.

Evelyn: They’re destroying the whole [obvious cut] Yoga Keith: army [obvious cut] Evelyn: We’re nothing!

Evelyn: Oh wow, that’s me! Mostly!

Riley: [completely enraptured] Shhhh! I don’t want to miss a second of this!

SOUND: The awesome battle continues. Occasional dragon noises. Intense mandolin.

R’lyeh: There is no escape!

Eve the Bard: I’ve got blisters on my fingers!

SOUND: Whale noises.

R’lyeh: This whole place is nothing but a big lie! A giant interwoven web of lies and deceit! And deception! I’ll tear it all down!

SOUND: They ride the space whale away to the moon.

[MOVIE ENDS!]

Riley: [in disbelief] That’s… the whale. They got the space whale.

Mox: Told you I’d fix it in post.

Evelyn: How did you do all that?

Mox: Editing and special effects magic. [beat] [gigglesnorts] Well, mostly magic.

Riley: [awe; joy] This...is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! You two actually made the Sword of R’lyeh even cooler than it already was! And I didn’t even think that was possible! The fucking sword and the armor and the Wall of Martia and the armies and even the stupid fucking snakes were somehow cool as shit!

Evelyn: But hey, it wouldn’t have been possible if you didn’t bring so much passion to the table, Riles. That’s the beauty of group projects: Everyone makes it possible together.

Mox: Though working with an awesome filmmaker helps too, of course. [beat] I’m talking about me.

Riley: I don’t even know what to say. This is the best thing ever. I wanna watch it again right now. Can we watch it again right now?

Evelyn: Maybe wait until after we record, for the sake of the listeners.

Riley: That’s fair. Will there be more of this?

Mox: I mean, I’m not opposed to making more! Oh! And the next one can have even more explosions! And snakes! And it’ll be called the Rage of R’lyeh!

Evelyn: And more Eve the Bard, too! If Yoga Keith wants to reprise the role.

Mox: You know Yoga Keith, he’s down for anything.

Riley: You know what? That makes two of us. Now let’s wrap this up, I wanna watch it again!

SOUND: Riley clicks “Play”.

[SWORD OF R’LYEH MOVIE BEGINS]

SOUND: Mandolin music fades in. Epic fantasy ambiance.

R’lyeh: I am the flaming sword of justice!

SOUND: Thunder. Swords clash epically.

[END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas, and written by Shaun Kingham, Gus Zagarella, and Henry Galley. With episode art by Shaun Kingham and Jasper Taylor. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Kelly Nugent as Mox, Zane Schacht as Yoga Keith, Henry Galley as Killer Joe, and Scott Thomas as The Newsreader.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!