Episode 101: Pizza Time
Riley and Evelyn, a pair of misfit friends on different sides of mortality, try in vain to host a professional podcast pilot.
Ordering a pizza and eating the pizza boy doesn’t help.
+ Transcript
Riley: Aaaand we’re recording.
Evelyn: Oh my gosh, so they can hear me?
Riley: Yup.
Evelyn: [Excited] Hey! How is everybody doing? What's Earth been like since I died!? Do people still say “Cool beans”?
Riley: [Rapid-Fire Answers] This isn't live, it’s only gotten worse, and no, nobody has ever said “Cool beans.”
Evelyn: Oh. Right.
Riley: Wanna do the honors?
Evelyn: Hey guys! If you're listening to this, it means you’ve got good taste in podcasts, and there’s life after death.
Riley: In 2012, a Florida man died after consuming two-dozen live roaches in a competition - this is fifteen fewer than my personal best. Welcome to the show.
Evelyn: [Encouraging] Nailed it!
Riley: I'm Riley, your...Do I have to say it?
Evelyn: It’ll be super cute!
Riley: Are you sure?
Evelyn: Totes!
Riley: [Shudders] I’m Riley, your best Ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!
Riley: Let’s keep this tight, the pizza guy will be here any minute now.
Evelyn: What toppings did you get this time?
Riley: Pinky fingers, centipedes, and woodlice on a barbecue base.
Evelyn: [Weirdly Cheerful] That’s disgusting.
Riley: I would have gotten the roaches too, but they said they were all out. How do you run out of roaches?
Evelyn: Where’d you order from?
Riley: Zagarella’s Pizzeria, on Monroe Street. You know, the one run by that Cyclops and her husband?
Evelyn: Oh, I’ve been there before! I bet they've still got plenty of rats.
Riley: [Worried; Frantic] Oh god, we’re digressing. We’re digressing! I knew this would happen.
Evelyn: Aren't people here to listen to us chat?
Riley: It’s bad podcast etiquette! We need to get to some kind of point, or the reviews are gonna tear us a new one!
Evelyn: Why not just cut the parts you don’t like?
Riley: That’s not the point. [Beat] Fuck, did we even say the podcast’s name? DOUBLE FUCK, DID WE EVEN LEAVE SPACE FOR THE INTRO MUSIC?
Evelyn: Wait, we have intro mu-
SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.
Evelyn: --Sic? Don’t you think we’re kind of overdoing it?
Riley: Good podcasts have music. We’re trying to create a sleek, professional, podcasting experience here, Evelyn.
Evelyn: YOU ORDERED A PIZZA!
Riley: Professionals have to eat too! And besides, you died before podcasts were even a thing, what do you know?
Evelyn: Oh, speaking of, how about we tell them how we met? That might be a good place to start.
Riley: Sure, fine. Go for it.
Evelyn: [Clears Throat] Okay, so - it was January 7th, 2004. Nickelback was playing at Club Downunder on the FSU campus. I was with Liv, my girlfriend, and we’d just bought matching t-shirts.
Riley: [Disgusted] Matching. Nickelback. T-shirts.
Evelyn: Don’t diss Nickelback. Chad Kroeger played at my funeral, it was heartwarming.
Riley: I apologize for being the first person to diss Nickelback.
Evelyn: Anyway, the concert was the bomb before the accident. We were in the mosh pit, when a light fixture came loose and fell right on top of me. I was dead before they played “Leader of Men”.
Riley: So it wasn’t all bad, then.
Evelyn: It’s haunted me to this day.
Riley: At least they played it as you were lowered into the grave, in front of all your friends and loved ones. That must’ve been cathartic.
Evelyn: It was epic. I only wish I could have been there.
Riley: You were already in the afterlife at that point, right?
Evelyn: Yup! The waiting room.
Riley: So what's that like?
Evelyn: You ever been to the DMV?
Riley: I don't drive.
Evelyn: Right, doctor’s waiting room?
Riley: I don't trust doctors.
Evelyn: Line for a rollercoaster?
Riley: I’m banned from all the amusement parks in Florida.
Evelyn: Beetlejuice?
Riley: Can you just describe it?
Evelyn: It’s like the most snooze-inducing place you can imagine, but you’re metaphysically incapable of sleep.
Riley: Well, that sucks.
Evelyn: It MAJORLY sucks!
Riley: So then what did you do?
Evelyn: Well, I filled out my paperwork for sixteen years.
Riley: [Sincerely baffled] Every time you tell me this, I just can’t imagine an amount of paperwork that would take sixteen years.
Evelyn: One of the segments requires you to write down every meal you ever ate.
Riley: [Confident; Up-Beat] Oh, I could ace that. I remember everything. On this day, five years ago, I ate two dead rats and half a pound of Chef Boyardee’s canned unicorn meat.
Evelyn: Don’t forget the eight spiders you swallow every year. That’s the one that got me.
Riley: Ev, you know I eat way more than eight spiders a year.
Evelyn: Oh yeah, you eat lots of things. Don’t you, Riley?
Riley: [Sigh] Here we go again.
Evelyn: Why don’t you tell the next part? You tell it better.
Riley: [Gritted teeth] No, I think you can tell it better, Evelyn.
Evelyn: I dunno. You know the inside story better than I do.
Riley: I ate her corpse out of her grave.
Evelyn: AND THE TRUTH, WILL SET YOU FREE!
Riley: And yet, you're still here…
Evelyn: To be fair, I had no idea that being eaten by a ghoul would mean that my sixteen years of paperwork would be for nothing. It’s okay though, I still had seven years left to go.
Riley: Always looking on the bright side. Great.
Evelyn: Why did you eat my body, anyway?
Riley: My normal cemetery installed razor wire on the fences. In hindsight, the gaping wounds probably would have been easier to manage than this.
Evelyn: At least we got a cool friendship origin story out of it, though, right?
Riley: [Sarcastic] Yeah. Totally worth the trouble. This all happened about a week ago, listeners.
Evelyn: And now we’re besties!
Riley: [Uncomfortable; Defensive] Uh, Evelyn, no offence, but I barely know you - and you don’t know me.
Evelyn: We can change that! What’s your favorite color, favorite animal, and favorite flavor of ice cream? Then I’ll tell you mine.
Riley: I don’t want the deep state to know any of those things about me. Their kompromat file probably has enough blackmail material already.
Evelyn: Aw beans.
Riley: Before I ended up saddled with Moaning Myrtle here, the plan was to make a podcast where I could share my thoughts on the scary, confusing, and corrupt leviathan we call “society.” But I guess now, we’re doing whatever this is. Evelyn: And it’s gonna be totally rad!
Riley: Personally, I think the rules of this whole haunting thing are nebulous bullshit. I'm not even your final resting place - by all rights, you should be haunting my bathroom. BUT! Since you're here anyway, I figure I should at least get you some better music, so music is gonna be today’s topic.
Evelyn: I have so much Nickelback to catch up on.
Riley: Or, alternatively, you could listen to good bands.
Evelyn: Riley! You name one band better than Nickelback!
Riley: I don’t even know where to begin with that. That’s like asking who’s a better blind date than Jeffrey Dahmer. The answer being: literally anyone but Jeffrey Dahmer.
Evelyn: Who’s Jeffrey Dahmer? Is he a musician?
Riley: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ONE!
Evelyn: So you’re telling me if I started to sing the first few bars of “How You Remind Me”, you wouldn't know the lyrics?
Riley: [Frustrated grunt] Alright, fine, I concede - but it doesn't mean we shouldn’t aspire to something better. Anyway, this band is moderately decent. Here, take a look.
SOUND: CDs clattering.
Evelyn: What did you expect me to catch that with?
Riley: [Annoyed] Just read the sleeve.
Evelyn: The Beastie Boys? I already know that one.
Riley: No, this is The Beastly Boys. They’re all cursed French nobles with their souls tied to a rose.
Evelyn: One rose between all of them?
Riley: Hell yeah, that’s why they’ll never break up. They’re awesome.
Evelyn: What’s that one under Radiodead?
Riley: Oh, this?
SOUND: CDs clattering.
Riley: How did I know you were going to notice Bridgewater Triangle?
Evelyn: Is there something wrong with them?
Riley: No, they’re just kinda mainstream. Little too “Mumford & Sons.”
Evelyn: Then why do you have one of their CDs?
Riley: The lead violinist is a werewolf and I heard he killed a few people in college, so that’s pretty cool.
Evelyn: Uh huh. Do you like any of these bands because of their actual music?
SOUND: Footsteps.
Pizza Man: Hey, front door was open, did you order a-?
Riley: INTRUDER!
Pizza Man: No, wait!
SOUND: Ghoul mauling a man to death; Pizza man screaming, then gurgling.
Evelyn: Riley! Riley! Stop! You’re killing the pizza man!
Riley: [Mouth full] Pizza? [Swallows] Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me. Shit.
Evelyn: There’s blood everywhere, Riley! Jesus! Why did you do that!?
Riley: [Fast; Defensive] He entered my space without warning me! It was self-defence! We’re in Tallahassee, the Castle Doctrine applies!
Evelyn: You literally invited him here! He was delivering your pizza!
Riley: Okay, I get it, I made a mistake, I'm sorry!
Evelyn: That's a little more than a mistake! I thought ghouls only ate dead people.
Riley: Well, we sometimes eat living people, and zombies are the best of both worlds so we really don't get along with them.
Evelyn: Maybe just exercise a little more caution next time before you go all [makes a monster growling noise]?
[BEAT.]
Riley: [Genuinely worried] Do you see him anywhere? I do not have the spoons for two ghosts right now.
Evelyn: No, no. I think the rules are different when “eaten by ghoul” is the cause of death. He’s probably in the great DMV in the sky already.
Riley: Is it in the sky?
Evelyn: You know, nobody ever clarified.
[PAUSE]
Riley: Well, I probably shouldn’t waste a perfectly good pizza man. You want some, Ev?
Evelyn: Oh sure, yeah. I’ll eat that human flesh with my totally corporeal mouth. That I can eat stuff with.
Riley: Forget I said anything.
SOUND: Ghoul chowing down.
Evelyn: Are you at least gonna eat the pizza, so he didn't die in vain?
Riley: We’ll see how much room I've got after finishing his body. Evelyn: And you wonder why you have so many half-eaten pizzas lying around.
Riley: Do you wanna give us like a little musical interlude? It’s gonna get...gooey.
Evelyn: I thought you'd never ask! [Deep inhale]
SOUND: Evelyn singing Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me”, with Riley eating the pizza man in the background --
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: A thunder crack.
SOUND: Grandiose Greek Music.
Zeus: God of Thunder, King of Olympus, Head Honcho of the Greek Pantheon - hi, I’m Zeus. You may know me from such Greek Myths as all of them, and if, like me, you slide down the River Styx with all kinds of nymphs, you run the risk of catching harpies, Scylla, Charybdis, or, even worse, Genital Sisyphus. So when it's time to wrap that Cyclops, you're gonna need a Herculean prophylactic.
That - in addition to my hefty child support bills - is why I’m shilling Agamemnon Condoms, the only brand willing to overlook my many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many transgressions. What can I say, I love horsin’ around, swanning around, and sometimes even bulling around.
SOUND: Moo sound effect.
Zeus: [Laughs] Oh, ain't I a stinker? Just remember: when you're about to sling a thunderbolt, it can only be Agamemnon: A condom fit for a God.
Note: this product is not suitable for mortal consumption. Use by mortals may result in rashes, abrasions, madness, and death. Consult your local oracle before using Agamemnon condoms. Results may vary.
SOUND: Another thunder crack.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Evelyn: [Finishes singing Nickelback song] Is it over?
Riley: Yeah, I can probably fit the rest in the fridge, we should be good.
Evelyn: You, uh, feeling okay?
Riley: Little bloated, but otherwise fine. And you’re sure that the pizza guy won’t be “going ghost?”
Evelyn: No, but these are probably the kinds of questions you should ask yourself BEFORE killing random people.
Riley: Well, if I’m gonna do it, at least it’s in the privacy of my own home. [Burps]
Evelyn: If you leave the door open all the time, it’s not private!
Riley: It's not like anybody’s out tonight.
Evelyn: Half of your block are nocturnal creatures! It's like three vampires, a couple mad scientists, and a chupacabra!
Riley: They’re all shut-ins, anyway.
Evelyn: Like you.
Riley: Yeah. What’s your point?
Evelyn: You should invite them over sometime. Just because I can’t interact with them doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Riley: Oh yeah, sure, I can just “invite” people “over.” [Beat] You can’t see it, listeners, but I just did air quotes. Because that’s ridiculous.
Evelyn: It’s not ridiculous! You just have to remember not to murder everyone so hard when you meet them!
Riley: I don’t murder everyone.
Evelyn: Name five people you know that aren’t dead. Family don't count.
Riley: Ha! That’s easy. Um...you? ah, fuck. No. Give me more time.
Evelyn: It wouldn’t kill you to make friends, Riley. Take it from someone who’s already dead. Oh, and by the way, shout out to other non-corporeal entities in our audience! If you’re dead or just in between dimensions, send in your calls, ‘cause I’d really like to meet you.
Riley: That’s not how it works, Evelyn. But they can get in contact on Twitter.
Evelyn: What’s twitter?
Riley: Oh, it’s just this really terrible website full of angry people yelling at each other about pointless bullshit, but for some reason, everyone’s still on it.
Evelyn: Can ghosts use Twitter?
Riley: No, dead people can’t use Twitter, it’s not like voting.
Evelyn: Aw man.
Riley: I don't even know why you're so obsessed with making friends - shouldn't you be rattling chains and making creepy clown dolls come to life?
Evelyn: Imagine what it's like being me for a second: nobody can see or hear you, and you can only interact with technology.
Riley: You realize you just described my dream, right?
Evelyn: Just because I’m dead doesn't mean my life has to be over.
Riley: [snort]
Evelyn: [Surprisingly Demonic] Look, I can either make friends or just bother you constantly.
Riley: [Tone shifts to mock-cheerful] You know, maybe it would be a good idea for you to make some new friends, put yourself out there more, mingle.
SOUND: Ghostly apparition noises.
Pizza Man Ghost: Ow, my head…
Riley: Oh, come on! This is the one thing we didn't want to happen!
Evelyn: Huh, guess I was wrong. Oopsie.
Riley: If I can’t count on you to know the ghost rules, why do I keep you around?
Evelyn: Because neither of us have a choice, maybe?
Riley: Yeah, come to think of it, that probably has something to do with it.
Pizza Man Ghost: Hello?
Evelyn: Hold that thought, Riley. HEEEYYYY NEW GHOST FRIEND!
Pizza Man Ghost: Is this 247 Mayhem Way? I’ve got a delivery for a Riley Almanzor?
Riley: This poor bastard, he doesn’t even know.
Evelyn: Aww, don’t be mean. You remember how I was.
Riley: Oh, I remember.
Pizza Man Ghost: Hold on, something’s off… I thought there was only one person in here before…
Evelyn: He can see me! This is huge!
Pizza Man Ghost: Wait, I threw out my back last week, how come it doesn't hurt?
Evelyn: You’ll get used to the lack of physical sensation.
Pizza Man Ghost: Where am I?
Evelyn: You’re on Less is Morgue! The only podcast where a ghost and a ghoul--
Riley: Uh, Evelyn, read the room.
Pizza Man Ghost: Wait...You didn’t…
Riley: Oh boy, here we go…
Pizza Man Ghost: [Gasps] You did! Holy shit, you killed me! You assholes!
Evelyn: To be fair, Riley killed you.
Riley: Great, just throw me right under the bus, why don't you.
Evelyn: What? You did kill him!
Riley: Please don't undermine me in front of the dead pizza guy.
Pizza Man Ghost: Hey! I have a name!
Evelyn: Had, technically. You'll wanna start using the past tense.
Riley: So what was your name? I'll need it for the show notes.
Pizza Man Ghost: Jon.
Riley: Is that normal John, like J-O-H-N, or the douchey J-O-N one?
Pizza Man Ghost: Just J-o-n. [Exhales] Jesus. So that was it? That was life?
Riley: Yeah, surprisingly short and uneventful, wasn't it?
Pizza Man Ghost: Well yeah, thanks to you, it was!
Riley: I think this whole “pushing the blame onto other people” mentality isn't helping anyone, Jon.
Evelyn: It’s also important to take responsibility for your actions, Riley.
Pizza Man Ghost: Well, you didn't exactly stop her!
Riley: Stop them.
Evelyn: I physically can't stop anything, which is something you're probably gonna understand soon.
SOUND: Strange, Ghostly Floating Noises.
Pizza Man Ghost: Shit, why am I floating!?
Evelyn: Oh, lucky! That means you're heading to the afterlife. Pizza Man Ghost: What!?
Evelyn: You know that song Spirit in the Sky? It's basically like that, but with more paperwork.
Riley: If there's like a God or Gods or something, can you tell them I'm sorry about the whole “killing you” thing and I'll try not to do it again for a while?
Pizza Man Ghost: [Fading out as he talks] Screeewwwww youuu twoooooo…
[Angelic Music as he Ascends - Then Abruptly Stops. Awkward Silence]
Pizza Man Ghost: Wait, why’d I stop? Is there normally supposed to be… turbulence?
Riley: Don’t look at me, I don't understand any of this bullshit.
Evelyn: Maybe you--
SOUND: A sudden burst of flame; whole cast yelps in shock.
Azfar: Alrighty, I'll take it from here, folks.
Riley: [Horrified; Outraged] I don't know or care who you are, but I want you out of my fucking house!
Evelyn: Isn't it your mom and dad’s house?
Riley: Technically, yes, but the basement is mine!
Azfar: My apologies. The name’s Azfar, demon of the fifth circle, Assistant to the Vice-Vice-Vice President of the Infernal Affairs department. I'm here on behalf of the underworld.
Evelyn: The underworld?
Azfar: We used to call it Hell, but the underworld is a little more tourist-friendly.
Evelyn: That’s fair.
Riley: Are you here to punish Evelyn for her awful taste?
Azfar: [Chuckles politely] Actually, I'm here for him.
Pizza Man Ghost: Me?
Azfar: You’re Jon Wheeler, right?
Pizza Man Ghost: Yeah…
Azfar: Well, Jon, me and my associates have been crunching the numbers regarding the fate of your immortal soul, and you, my friend, are Hellbound.
Pizza Man Ghost: WHAT!?
Evelyn: Shouldn't it be Underworld-Bound?
Azfar: I know what I said.
Pizza Man Ghost: How come I'm going to hell? I've never hurt anyone!
Azfar: On the contrary, Jon, let's take a look at your file.
SOUND: Papers rustling.
Azfar: Okay so, just last week you illegally downloaded three movies that are still in theatres.
Pizza Man Ghost: Is that it?
Azfar: Oh, far from it!
SOUND: Page flips.
Azfar: You've also downloaded the unofficial PDFs of several eBooks without paying, and let's not even get into all the music you've ripped from YouTube.
Pizza Man Ghost: So you're sending me to hell...for piracy?
Azfar: A lot of people worked very hard to create the entertainment you're stealing, Jon, it's not a victimless crime.
Evelyn: You can't take him to hell for it! That just feels like overkill.
Azfar: I’m a demon, kid, overkill is my middle name. Now, come along, Papa Johns, we just finished polishing the slide covered in razor blades.
Evelyn: What if, uh, what if we take custody?
Riley: Out of the question!
Evelyn: Come on, Riley, he’s gonna go to hell!
Riley: Just having one of you is like a living migraine, two of you will kill me! And besides, Azfart--
Azfar: Azfar.
Riley: Whatever. All his points about copyright and stuff seemed pretty solid.
Evelyn: Oh come on, Riley, I know you don't believe in laws!
Riley: I just don't want other people in my space!
Evelyn: What if we keep him in the bathroom?
Riley: That’s where I bathe and shit, Evelyn!
Azfar: Could we wrap this up? I have a lot of appointments today.
Pizza Man Ghost: I don't wanna go to hell!
Evelyn: Please, Riley! It's our fault he's dead, we owe him this!
SOUND: Riley groans loudly.
Riley: Alright, fine! I guess it's the least I can do after killing him. But he's gotta stay in the bathroom, he can't come out and mess with al l my stuff.
Evelyn: So what do you think, Mr. Azfar? Can we keep him in there instead?
Azfar: Hmm. It's highly unusual, but there aren't any explicit rules against it. How nice is the bathroom?
Evelyn: It's awful, they never clean it.
Azfar: Wonderful! I'd say we have a deal here, then.
Evelyn: Woo! Isn't this great, Jon?
Pizza Man Ghost: I mean, it's better than literal Hell.
Evelyn: I'll take it!
Riley: I'm not happy about any of this.
Azfar: I'd call that a job well done. Come along, Jonny boy. We've got some loose ends to tie up before you take your rightful place on the porcelain throne.
Pizza Man Ghost: At least I'm not gonna get tortured in hellfire forever, I guess.
Azfar: Oh, just wait until you see the paperwork you've gotta read.
Pizza Man Ghost: Oh god, no--
Azfar: See you on the flip-side, folks.
Riley: Wait, was that it? I’m not complaining, but I feel like you should have done more to torment us.
Azfar: [Laughs] Oh, believe me, you two have enough problems coming down the pipe without my intervention.
Evelyn: Uhh...could you maybe expand on that, Mr. Azfar? It's a little vague and ominous.
Azfar: Sorry, no spoilers. I'll be back later with your new pizza boy - adios!
SOUND: Azfar snaps his fingers, another fiery boom. Azfar and Jon are gone.
Evelyn: And then there were two. What an episode! You think we should include Azfar in the show notes?
Riley: [Sighs morosely] I think we should probably wrap this puppy up. We digressed, we forgot to plug our socials, we committed second degree murder--
Evelyn: You committed second degree mur--
Riley: Let's not point fingers here, okay? Point is, this isn't exactly how I wanted the pilot to go.
Evelyn: I don't know, I think we did a pretty good job, considering it was our first time. And we had guests, too! Maybe we could do that every episode.
Riley: [They sounds like they hate this idea] Every episode? Sure, I'll just kill every delivery guy in the city - they can all haunt my bathroom - and then I'll have to walk to the stores to get my food, like some kind of animal.
Evelyn: They don't have to be delivery guys - when I get the hang of being dead, I'm sure I can score us more ghosts. And I bet you can book some cool monsters.
Riley: Yeah, cause my natural warmth and charisma just screams “networking.”
Evelyn: You’re too hard on yourself, Riley, you know that?
Riley: Ugh, how about we save the pep talk for later, you can help me clean up. My basement is covered in delivery guy.
Evelyn: Wait, You clean? This is news to me.
Riley: [Groans loudly] Let me live…
[Riley and Evelyn shuffle to turn off the mic - FADE OUT; OUTRO MUSIC]
OUTRO, READ BY SCOTT: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by Scott Thomas, and written by Gus Zagarella, Scott Thomas, Meg .Molloy Tuten, Alexis Bristowe, and Henry Galley. Script editing by Scott Thomas, Shaun Kingham, Alex Viney, and Henry Galley. Episode art by Alexis Bristowe. Starring Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Tuten as Evelyn, Jeremy Showell as Jon, and Scott Thomas as Zeus and Azfar. Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow. Want to find out more? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram at @LessIsMorgue. A final, special thanks to the people who helped us hone these first few episodes to perfection: Max Williams, B. Narr, Laly Villablanca, Jay Lingenfelter, Stacey Jones, Mads Upton, and Michael Sheets.