Episode 102: Be Our Guests
After deciding that the interview format works for them, Riley and Evelyn desperately try to hold down a guest, to variable success.
+ Transcript
SOUND: Riley snoring in the background.
Evelyn: [whispering] Hey, everyone. Evelyn here! Hope you had a good two weeks! We wanna thank you all so much for your support on episode one. If I had a physical body, I'd high-five all of you! Also, sorry I'm whispering, Riley's sleeping and I don't wanna wake them. It gets a little boring at night sometimes, so it's nice to talk to you. I'd hang out with Jon, but he's still a little cranky after the incident. Anyway, before we start episode two, I just wanna let you know that we now have a Kofi and a Patreon! So if you wanna help us buy real food and keep Talahassee's delivery people safe, you can support Less Is Morgue with your donations!
SOUND: A particularly unflattering snore from Riley.
Evelyn: We're gonna have oodles of fun bonus content, including minisodes and exclusive behind-the-scenes info on there soon! You can find the links on our website and on your social media. Stick around for the end credits to find out more! With that out of the way, I love you all, and I hope you enjoy the episode. Buh-bye!
--
[START OF THE SHOW]
Riley: Okay so, we've both agreed we're gonna keep things a little more orderly this time, right?
Evelyn: Right!
Riley: So no demons, no murder, no digressing.
Evelyn: I mean, the "no murder" stuff is gonna be down to you, but on the other two, yeah, totally.
Riley: And we're having guests.
Evelyn: Yup! In fact, I've already booked one for today's episode.
Riley: What!? Why didn't you mention this earlier?
Evelyn: I wanted it to be a surprise! I'm super excited about it,
Riley, you're gonna love him.
Riley: Fuck! I thought I was getting the guest this week!
Evelyn: Oh. We should probably work on our communication skills.
Riley: Great. Wonderful. Not a minute in, and we've already fucked it.
Evelyn: Can't you just cut this part?
Riley: Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub ghost audio out of a file? [Sighs] Alright, let's just cut our losses and--
SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.
Riley: Do the intro.
Evelyn: Hey everyone! If you're listening to this, it means you like having a good time, and there are other worlds than these!
Riley: In Tokyo, you can pay the Family Romance Corporation to imitate your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. Me? I do it for free. Welcome to the show. I'm Riley, your best Ghoulfriend. [Shudders] God, it never gets any easier to say.
Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!
Riley: You're listening to Less Is Morgue, the podcast where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.
Evelyn: Yay! That's us! So, what are we gonna do about our guest situation?
SOUND: Riley texting.
Evelyn: Riley?
SOUND: The text sends.
Riley: I just sent my guy a text and blew him off. We're good.
Evelyn: That seems a little harsh.
Riley: Podcasting is a dog eat dog world, Evelyn, and I'm starving.
Evelyn: Ha. Good one.
Riley: I'm not joking, I skipped breakfast for this.
Evelyn: What? Why?
Riley: I always get antsy before we record, why do you think I ordered a pizza last time?
Evelyn: Are you gonna do it again?
Riley: [Bummed Out] No. Zagarella’s Pizzeria doesn't deliver here anymore - last time was one pizza guy too many, apparently. Damn pepperoni fascists.
Evelyn: Wait, so other pizza guys have--
Riley: How about you just tell us about the guest?
Evelyn: Well, he's a makeup guru--
Riley: Riveting.
Evelyn: And! He's got over a hundred thousand followers on Instagram.
Riley: Who told you about Instagram? Wait, doesn't matter. A hundred thousand followers is a pretty big deal.
Evelyn: I know, right?
Riley: How'd you get him?
Evelyn: Turns out, he's actually a super nice guy, he loves supporting small creators.
Riley: What's his name?
Evelyn: Brains Vincent. His show is called “Morbid Makeovers.”
Riley: Huh, never heard of him. Name seems to ring a bell, though...
Evelyn: Maybe his face will jog your memory. He should be here any minute now.
[LONG SILENCE.]
Evelyn: Any minute now…
[SILENCE CONTINUES]
Evelyn: Any...Okay, I have no idea where he is.
Riley: Excellent start. Yours is a no-show and I just blew mine off.
Evelyn: Maybe he just got caught in traffic? He could still show!
Riley: Only we could go from having too many guests to not enough guests in the span of a minute. It’s like whatever the opposite of a super-power is.
Evelyn: Who was your guest gonna be, anyway?
Riley: Doesn’t matter! I was angry about the double-booking so I was maybe a little too brutal in the text. We’ll never get him to guest now.
Evelyn: Darn it. Who are we gonna interview, then?
SOUND: Riley types frantically.
Evelyn: What are you doing, Riley?
Riley: Something I haven’t done in years: checked Facebook.
Evelyn: Checked what!?
Riley: Yeah, we really don’t have time to get into that now. All that matters is we might be able to find someone local who could be easily persuaded to come down here on ultra-short-notice.
Evelyn: Who has that little going on in their life, Riley?
Riley: Pause the recording. Let’s find out…
SOUND: Evelyn pauses the recording. A few moments of silence.
SOUND: Click. The recording returns.
Riley: So, would you like to introduce yourself?
Evelyn: Doesn’t it make more sense for us to--
Erik: I am Erik D’Corah! Master of the Mystic! Conduit to the Spirit World! Tallahassee’s Most In-Demand Spiritual Medium! And I also have an upcoming ten-night show in Las Vegas, tickets available online at www.MagicalErik.com!
Evelyn: Little rude to interrupt me like that, but it got the job done.
Riley: Thanks for coming on such short notice, organization is kind of a shitshow around here. Do you want something to drink? Water? Tea? Whatever the hell keeps dripping from that exposed pipe in the corner?
SOUND: Drip, drip, drip.
Erik: No need! I brought my own refreshments, thank you!
SOUND: Erik slams his water bottle down on the table.
Erik: I knew that you would bid me to journey here - it was foretold by my tarot cards, which can be purchased at www.MagicalErik.com/Merch!
Evelyn: Is he our sponsor now, too? This jerk can’t even see me, Riley!
Riley: Tarot cards. Interesting. So you can predict the future?
Erik: Of course! What kind of psychic would I be if I couldn't? As a soothsayer, I can say the sooth, the whole sooth, and nothing but the sooth.
Riley: Can you do a live reading here on the show?
SOUND: Erik flips out a deck of cards.
Erik: I’d expect nothing less. Observe, as I peer into what is yet to come!
SOUND: He lays out the cards.
Erik: For you, Riley Almanzor, I have three predictions. The first…
SOUND: Erik flips a card.
Erik: Is that a witch will take your bones.
Riley: Pardon?
Evelyn: That’s awfully specific.
Erik: I can only interpret what’s on the cards, my dear. The second prediction…
SOUND: Erik flips another card.
Erik: Is to beware the ukulele. Nothing good will come of it.
Riley: Is it normal for all the predictions to sound like Tumblr shitposts?
Erik: AND THE THIRD AND FINAL PREDICTION…
SOUND: Erik flips the card.
Erik: Hmmm.
Riley: Is there a problem?
Erik: Well, this one could mean one of two things. One is that you may be making a new friend soon…
Evelyn: Awww!
Erik: And the other is that an event of dimension-destroying proportions will someday occur in this very basement.
Evelyn: Less awww.
Riley: Jesus. Can we get a little more specific on that last one?
Erik: My apologies, there’s only so far even a seer can see.
Riley: Alright, just gonna file that away with all the other vague anxieties. What made you want to come on the show, Erik?
Erik: I knew you were going to ask that!
Evelyn: That’s gonna get old.
Riley: [Harsh whisper] What are you, a greek chorus? [Normal] Sorry, Erik, please continue.
Erik: In addition to promoting my thoroughly thrilling upcoming Vegas show - I reiterate, tickets available at www--
Riley: [Losing patience] Yes, we got that part, but why else, Erik?
Erik: I was just getting to that! Point is, I heard tell that this basement is haunted.
Evelyn: Well, yeah, that’s the central premise of the show.
Erik: And I presupposed, who better than I, the nexus of noumena and pneumonia, to communicate with these entities of the beyond? That’s why, for the first time in podcast history, I am going to summon up my glorious power, and contact the dead, live on air!
SOUND: Evelyn laughing hysterically.
Riley: [Embarrassed] Wow. That’ll certainly be a first.
Evelyn: [Still laughing] This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.
Erik: For you, Riley Almanzor, and the listeners at home, I shall open up the passage between two worlds - parallel, but unable to touch. Star-crossed lovers, dancing on a cosmic stage.
Riley: [Irritated] Alright, we get it, let’s move it along.
Erik: The spirits! They move through me! [He begins speaking in tongues]
Riley: [To Evelyn] I swear to god, Evelyn, you say one word...
Erik: She is here! In the room with us! The spirit called...Emily.
Evelyn: I mean, he wasn’t that far off.
Riley: Don’t mock me with your pity.
Erik: Silence, ghoul! I’m communing with the infinite. She’s speaking to me, right now.
Evelyn: Ask him what I’m saying. Go on.
Riley: [Groans loudly, then phones it in] What does she say, oh great magician?
Erik: She says...she misses you, and cherishes the memories of your time together while she was alive.
Evelyn: He literally doesn’t know...anything. It’s almost impressive.
Erik: She’s also saying...wait a second, wait a second, it’s coming to me...she’s also saying, you all need to go to www.MagicalErik.com, and buy his forty-three step course on contacting the dead, so this terrible loneliness confounds her no longer.
Evelyn: I wonder what he’ll do if I rattle his water bottle.
Riley: It’s worth a try.
Erik: Of course it’s worth a try! The course has a 97.4% success rate!
Evelyn: And here...we...go…
SOUND: The water bottle rattles on the ground; Erik shrieks loudly.
Erik: The fuck was that? Did you do that?
Riley: Uh, no?
Erik: Jesus Christ, the spirits, they’re really here!
Evelyn: This is even better! I’m gonna do it again.
SOUND: The bottle rattles again; Erik screams again.
Erik: Fuck this, I can’t die now, think of my investments!
SOUND: Erik runs up the stairs, opens the door, and slams it.
Riley: Well, that was fucking dreadful.
Evelyn: I feel like I somehow know even less after that.
Riley: In hindsight, a white guy wearing a jewel-encrusted turban with a three-piece tuxedo probably should have been a red flag.
Evelyn: I thought the cape kind of suited him, at least.
Riley: Either way, this brings us back to a big, fat, zero. Let’s just write it off and grab lunch.
Evelyn: Come on, Riles. You don’t have to be such a debbie downer.
Riley: I have every right to be a debbie downer! I’m living in the real world - and that means avoiding disappointment by having subterranean expectations!
Evelyn: I feel like maybe you’re just used to people treating you badly so you always assume the worst. Sometimes, good things just happen.
Riley: Don’t you dare Dr. Phil me. Do you really believe a guest is just gonna walk in?
SOUND: Basement door opens.
Brains Vincent: Heeeeeey, is this Less Is Morgue?
Evelyn: [Gasps] IT’S BRAINS VINCENT! HE’S HERE! GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN!
Riley: Great. Now I look like a dick.
Brains Vincent: Sorry I’m late. A Shoggoth was blocking Oak Street so I had to take the long way round.
Evelyn: It’s okay, we’re still recording! Come on down, Brains!
SOUND: Footsteps as Brains Vincent descends into the basement.
Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] Evelyn!
Evelyn: [Whispering] Yeah?
Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] You didn't tell me he was a zombie!
Evelyn: [Whispering] I thought it was implied, with the whole "brains" thing. He invented Zomtouring!
Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] This is gonna be a disaster.
Evelyn: [Whispering] I thought it made sense, seeing as only you and the undead can see me. What’s wrong, Riley?
Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] Put two and two together, Hooper!
Brains Vincent: Is this seat taken?
Evelyn: Nope! Thanks so much for coming, Brains.
Brains Vincent: Really, it's no problem at all, I'm happy to help. You're Evelyn, right?
Evelyn: Yeah, we spoke over the phone.
Brains Vincent: Of course! Your voice is a lot less...raspy, in person.
Evelyn: [Laughs Nervously] Yeah, sorry about that, most tech doesn't mix with ghost voices. It takes us an hour to configure the microphones before we can record.
Brains Vincent: I get it, it's totally fine. C'est la Mort.
SOUND: Brains and Evelyn laugh together.
Brains Vincent: Who's your friend over there?
Evelyn: Oh, that's my co-host, Riley.
Riley: [Nervous, awkward] Hi.
Brains Vincent: They seem a little quiet...and sweaty.
Riley: Oh, uh, don't mind me, I'm just, uh, ventilating. It's a ghoul thing.
Evelyn: That's odd. You've never had to do that around me before, Riley.
Riley: I'm not lying.
Evelyn: I didn't say you were, I just--
Riley: [Sharp; Firm] How about you take the lead on this interview, Evelyn? After all, you booked our guest.
Evelyn: Um, sure, why not! So, Brains, how did you first get into makeup?
Brains Vincent: Well, I was never all that into cosmetics when I was alive. I just worked in Capital Circle, temping at a pet store.
Evelyn: Ooh, which one?
Brains Vincent: PetSmart!
SOUND: Riley’s stomach grumbles.
Riley: [Nervous] Sorry, pet talk, always sets me off. Carry on.
Brains Vincent: [A little confused] Huh. So anyway, one day they brought in this rare Sumatran Rat Monkey that some collector wanted to buy, but the little bastard got loose and just ate my face off my skull.
Evelyn: Oh gosh, that's horrible - don't you think so too, Riley?
Riley: [Nervous; Distracted] Yeah, what a lucky-- I mean, uh, nasty little fucker.
Brains Vincent: I died of my injuries at the hospital. Should have been expected, really - the mortality rate for employees at that PetSmart is super high, especially after they started selling those flesh-eating scarab beetles and the goldfish that can control your thoughts.
Evelyn: Why did you take such a dangerous job, Brains? Brains Vincent: That’s a funny story, actually. So it all started when I needed to get a new tank for Celine, my pet Axolotl…
--
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: A fire ignites. Chill lounge music plays.
Satan: Overworked? Underappreciated? Harbouring a dark soul full of terrible secrets? Then go to Hell! Literally!
Hello everybody, I’m Satan, but you may also know me as the Devil, Lucifer, and your mother in law. Am I right, fellas? [Laughs] I kid, I kid. You know, people are always saying that the wages of sin is death, but who can afford to die in this economy?
If you wanna go to Hell before you die, the answer isn't smoking - it’s renting or buying a luxury Morningstar Condo, off the side of the beyootiful River Styx. You like it hot? We’ll literally boil your fucking skin off. You like dogs? Ours have three heads! That’s triple the dog! And don’t get me started on the night life - all the coke-fuelled heavy metal superstars are here, and they perform nightly, or else!
So take a break from reality, and come take a vacation down under...the Earth’s crust. You may or may not have the time of your life! And if you use this limited-time-only promo code, IRenounceMyFaithForTheDarkLord, you'll get 25% off! Morningstar Condos - you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave! [Laughs Madly]
SOUND: Another fiery blast.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
--
Brains Vincent: And I guess on top of that, the hours just really worked for me. Gosh, have I really been talking for forty minutes already? I am such a chatterbox.
SOUND: Riley’s stomach rumbles again.
Brains Vincent: You wanna go get a snack or something, Riley? You’re not looking too good.
Riley: [Shaky, delirious] You know, Brains, that’s an excellent idea. I think I’ve got a family of dead opossums in the freezer to tide me over…
Evelyn: Come on, Riley, can’t you at least wait until after the interview? We’re in the flow now!
Riley: That depends, Ev, how do you want the interview to end? Like I told you, I haven’t eaten this morning…
Evelyn: Just carry on with your story, Brains.
Brains Vincent: Are you sure? Your co-host--
Evelyn: You’ll be able to cope for just a few more minutes, right, Riley? You wanted to be all professional this time, didn’t you?
Riley: [Deeply distressed] Mhmm.
Evelyn: Great! Carry on, Brains.
Brains Vincent: Well, okay. Anyway, my family still wanted to have an open casket - even though my face looked like leftover lasagna.
Riley: [Quietly, but with a lot of feeling] Please stop.
Brains Vincent: They spent thousands on Post-Mortem Reconstruction, so by the time I rose off the slab and ate the mortician’s brain, I looked phenomenal.
Evelyn: You barely even look dead, honestly!
Brains Vincent: Thank you! I try.
Riley: [Somewhat creepy] Yeah, you look...amazing.
Brain Vincent: [Unsettled] Uh, thanks, Riley. But here's the thing, I know that not everyone can afford to blow that kind of money on their looks, but that doesn't mean they can't be beautiful. That's why I started Morbid Makeovers: So all my fellow Zoms can look drop dead gorgeous on a budget.
Evelyn: [Totally Sincere] That’s so noble of you, Brains.
Brains Vincent: I mean, it's not all out of the kindness of my totally rotten heart, the brand deals are pretty lucrative, too. I even started producing my own cosmetics line with Dermal Decay.
Evelyn: Oh, wow! That's so cool!
Brains Vincent: I actually brought some here today, I was gonna do a live presentation, if you two are interested.
Evelyn: We’re totally down!
Riley: I wasn't consulted on this.
Brains Vincent: Yay! Okay, you got a mirror?
Riley: Not in here.
Evelyn: There's one in the bathroom, though!
Brains Vincent: That works! You wanna come with me, Riley? Seeing as you have a physical body.
Riley: I don't think that's a good idea.
Evelyn: Come on, Riley, don't be such a sourpuss!
Riley: I have very sensitive skin, the makeup might--
Brains Vincent: Riley, sweetie, all of my makeup is designed with zombies in mind - so ghoul skin shouldn't be a problem.
Riley: But you might not have my shades--
Brains Vincent: I’ve got like five different grays, we’ll be okay.
Riley: I mean, I know I will be, but--
Evelyn: [Chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it!
Riley: Stop peer-pressuring me!
Evelyn: We’ll put the pictures on our Twitter! It’ll be fun.
Riley: [Groans Loudly] Fine! I warned you.
SOUND: Riley and BV stand up, and begin walking to the bathroom.
Brains Vincent: We’ll be right back.
Riley: [Nervous] Sure we will.
SOUND: Bathroom door opens.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Hi, Riley.
Riley: Hi, Jon.
SOUND: Bathroom door closes.
Evelyn: Well, well, well, looks like it's just you and me, listeners. How’s your day going? [Pause] Really? That's nice. Did you know there are whole twitter accounts that just have pictures of dogs? I hadn't seen a dog in sixteen years, then boom, dogs everywhere! Dogs driving cars - can you believe that? Can you believe that there's a dog out there that can drive? I mean, how did the dogs learn how to drive? Is there a doggy driving school? I bet every dog that goes to driving school just aces it, because dogs are good at everything. I used to have a dog - she was a rescue and her name was Peppermint. She was a Pomeranian-Cross-Alaskan-Malamute, and--
SOUND: Bathroom door opens.
Evelyn: [Excited] Hey, Riley! Let's see this makeup…[Beat] Huh. It doesn't look like you're wearing any makeup. Except that dark lipstick...Wow, it’s really smudgy, too.
Riley: [Voice shaking slightly] He was literally...a walking corpse…
Evelyn: Where’s Brains Vincent?
Riley: I tried to warn you.
Evelyn: What!?
Riley: I am a mistake of nature, a mad beast.
Evelyn: RILEY!
Riley: What were you expecting, Evelyn!?
Evelyn: STOP EATING OUR GUESTS!
Riley: I'm a ghoul and he was a zombie. This was inevitable.
Evelyn: Stop invoking fate to excuse your mistakes!
Riley: It’s my right as an American!
Evelyn: You're impossible.
SOUND: Footsteps as Riley approaches; sits down.
Riley: [groans] Do we have any Pepto Bismol? Brains had like five pounds of makeup on him, and I'm paying for it.
[Silence from Evelyn]
Riley: Are we doing the silent treatment now? Come on, Evelyn, this is just childish.
Evelyn: I worked hard to book Brains Vincent, Riley. Do you have any idea how much energy it takes for me to manifest? I need to do that every time I type!
Riley: [Totally sincere] It wasn’t totally in vain, we don’t need to buy dinner now.
Evelyn: [Demonic voice] God damn it, Riley!
Riley: [Nervous] Okay, okay, I’m sorry! In my defence, you made Magical Erik shit his slacks and run for it. We’re even on guest-disposal this episode!
Evelyn: At least I just scared him off. Brains wasn’t that lucky.
Riley: Your negativity is not helping here.
Evelyn: He was a good man, Riley!
Riley: Be that as it may, we’re still a guest podcast with no guests. The reviews are gonna dismember us.
Evelyn: Oh, like how you dismembered--
Riley: Stay on task! We need a guest, pronto, and ours are either traumatised or masticated.
Evelyn: Ew, is that what he did in the bathroom?
Riley: [Gritted teeth] It means “chewed”, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Let’s check Facebook again.
Riley: Cause it worked so well the first time!
Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] DO IT!
Riley: Alright, alright! You know, I'm aware eating living or unliving people is wrong, but I feel like, throughout that whole interview, I was sending you pretty clear signals that I wasn't doing okay.
Evelyn: [sighs] Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry for yelling. None of this would have happened if I'd just let you leave to go calm down and eat.
Riley: It’s okay, I'm pretty full now, so we could literally have a guest made out of cotton candy and Hot Wings and I'd be fine.
Evelyn: Yay?
SOUND: Riley types on their laptop.
Evelyn: How about that guy?
Riley: He’s been dead for four years. Giant ants.
Evelyn: Yikes. Okay, how about her?
Riley: Also dead. Two years. Normal sized ants.
Evelyn: That’s no excuse, I’ve been dead for over ten years, and I’m here!
Riley: Yeah, but I didn’t eat any of these people. Face it, Ev, we’re doomed - the whole episode’s a wash. I just wanted to make an interesting, insightful podcast that provokes thought and discussion about what's really going on - like if NPR weren't too chicken shit to talk about all the reptilians in government - and instead, we’re knee-deep in scary, overwhelming bullshit! We might as well just give up now.
Evelyn: We can't give up that easily. You said it yourself, Riley, podcasting is a dog eat dog world, we need to persevere. You don't have to do this alone, I can help you!
Riley: Then what do you propose we do?
Evelyn: I scared off our first guest, you ate our second. It's clear that when we don't work together on these things, it always blows up in our faces.
Riley: Okay. Agreed. Even if I don't necessarily accept full responsibility for--
Evelyn: Riley.
Riley: Right, right, okay, teamwork, I get you.
Evelyn: We've got enough usable audio from Brains and Erik to make two thirds of a decent episode, we just need one more guest to fill out the time.
Riley: Where do you expect us to find a third guest on such short notice?
Evelyn: We pause the recording, get out of the basement, and search.
Riley: Is this just an elaborate attempt to make me go outside?
Evelyn: Not the intention, just a pleasant side-effect.
Riley: [Grunts] Fine, we’ll go out and beg people like Podcast panhandlers, makes just as much sense as anything we've done today.
Evelyn: That’s the spirit! Come on, let's go.
SOUND: Shuffling. Riley clicks off the recording. A few seconds later, it starts again.
Riley: Okay so...start by saying your name.
Tiffany: Your name.
Riley: No, your name.
Tiffany: Oh, Tiffany. [stoned chuckle]
Riley: That’s great, Tiff. You're on Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.
Tiffany: Where’s the ghost?
Riley: You can’t see the ghost.
Tiffany: Why, did I do something wrong?
Riley: No, no, you're doing just fine, Tiffany. You're just, y’know, mortal.
Evelyn: Is she okay? She seems a little spaced out.
Riley: It’s fine, she's always like this.
Evelyn: Are you sure? I'm a little worried about her.
Riley: She’ll be chill, I swear. Whenever I make my midnight Walmart runs to buy more canned Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, she never asks questions - plus, I really don't know who else we’re gonna get on such short notice.
Evelyn: Her eyes are like...really red.
Riley: So she likes to indulge in a little of the devil’s lettuce…
Evelyn: Like really, really, really red. And super glassy.
Riley: Or even a lot of the devil’s lettuce, who are we to judge? Maybe it'll make her a more forthcoming interview subject!
Tiffany: Who’re you talking to?
Riley: Evelyn. The Ghost.
Tiffany: Wait, there’s a ghost?
Riley: [Exasperated] Tiffany, we just…
Evelyn: Be nice! We really need to keep this one.
Riley: [Gritted teeth] Tell the audience a little about yourself.
Tiffany: Well, firstly, my name’s Tiffany, so get that down.
Riley: Yes, that has been established.
Evelyn: Ask her where she works.
Riley: Where do you work, Tiffany?
Tiffany: You already know where I work.
Riley: [Frustrated, trying really, really hard to be polite] Yes, Tiffany, but our listeners at home don't. So please, tell us about who you are, and where you work.
Tiffany: I work at the Capital West Walmart Supercenter.
Riley: Good. Yes. And you've got a dream to work in the music industry, right?
Tiffany: I really want to start a metal band.
Riley: That’s interesting! What instruments do you play?
Tiffany: Oh, I don't play any instruments.
Riley: So you sing?
Tiffany: No, no, I can't really carry a tune.
Riley: [So done] Are you what happen when pregnant women take ambien?
Tiffany: Could you rephrase the question?
Evelyn: Be nice!
Riley: So what role would you play in this metal band, Tiffany?
Tiffany: I can do a really awesome metal scream.
Riley: Do you have a name for the band? Or any songs written?
Tiffany: I figured I'd let the other band members deal with all that stuff, it's not really my area of expertise.
Riley: And what is your area of expertise?
Tiffany: Really sick metal screams.
Riley: Evelyn, how much longer? This is taking decades off of my life.
Evelyn: Just a little longer!
Riley: Maybe if I throw up what’s left of Brains Vincent, we can put him back together, and continue the interview
Evelyn: Let’s just hear what she’s got, it can’t be that bad
Tiffany: I’ll demonstrate for you.
SOUND: Tiffany begins dispassionately metal-screaming.
Evelyn: Wow, it’s that bad.
Riley: Evelyn!
Evelyn: Looks like we’re good for time now.
Riley: Great! [To Tiffany] Tiffany?
Tiffany: [Stops metal-screaming] Yeah?
Riley: Thank you, you've been a wonderful guest. Now get the fuck out of my house.
Tiffany: Okay. When will this be printed?
Riley: Printed? Tiffany, it’s a-- No, fuck this. Leave!
[Awkward Silence]
Evelyn: [Stage whisper] She’s still here.
Riley: Tiffany?
Tiffany: Yeah?
Riley: I just told you to leave.
Tiffany: Oh, I didn't think you were talking to me.
Riley: Who else would I be talking to?
Tiffany: Uh, the goat you've been referring to since you dragged me down here?
Riley: Goat?
Tiffany: Yeah, the imaginary goat.
Riley: Jesus Christ, Tiffany, I knew you were a little blazed but did I miss you getting into meth? I said Ghost. G-H-O-S-T.
Tiffany: Pfft. Ghosts aren't real.
Evelyn: Uh, yeah they are.
Riley: Evelyn says they are.
Tiffany: Well of course she does, she's biased cause she's a ghost.
Riley: I thought you said ghosts weren't real?
Tiffany: Yeah, cause they’re not. Duh.
Riley: Evelyn, I think I'm having an aneurysm.
Evelyn: She’s just--
Tiffany: Are you speaking to the goat again?
Evelyn: She’s gonna--
Tiffany: Or was it the Ghost?
Evelyn: I wish she'd stop interrupting my--
Tiffany: Goats are pretty cool, I guess. But also not real.
Evelyn: SENTENCES! That’s it!
Riley: Evelyn, what are you doing?
SOUND: Weird, ghostly noises. Tiffany screams. Silence.
Riley: [Nervous] Evelyn?
Tiffany - Possessed: Wow, she just would not stop talking. Sorry, I was starting to get a metaphysical migraine.
Riley: Did you just...did you just possess Tiffany?
Tiffany - Possessed: I guess so. I didn't know I could do this. Pretty cool, right? [Mocking] Ooh, I’m Tiffany, I like to yodel and also I have a…[Normal, Confused] Pat Sajak tramp stamp? Who is this person!?
Riley: I wouldn't make a habit of doing this. It’s kinda creepy.
Tiffany - Possessed: Riley, you eat people.
Riley: Point taken. So what now?
Tiffany - Possessed: I guess I better go drop her off at Walmart. Make sure she's okay. Be right back.
SOUND: Weird, lumbering footsteps. Consistent stumbling.
Riley: [Concerned] Hey, uh, watch out for the stairs, okay?
SOUND: Stumbling.
Riley: Evelyn!
Tiffany - Possessed: Sorry, sorry, I haven’t used a body in sixteen years, I'm a little rusty. Plus, she has like...a lot of stuff in her system right now.
Riley: Just don't break it. I don't need anymore ghosts in here.
SOUND: Possessed Tiffany continues to stumble up the stairs. The door opens, and then slams.
Riley: Why is this my life now?
SOUND: Ghostly noises. Evelyn returns.
Evelyn: I return!
Riley: That was fast.
Evelyn: Yeah, I stuck her in one of those ride-share cars and sent her home. I don't think I could have possessed her for much longer. It’s not a good feeling.
Riley: Then I guess that brings this disaster to a close.
Evelyn: I think it went pretty well, all things considered.
Riley: [Baffled] What I’d give to live in your world, Evelyn, it always sounds so much nicer than mine.
Evelyn: Well, considering the fact you ate our second guest.
Riley: And you scared off our first.
Evelyn: We managed to record a pretty good show. Maybe next episode, we’ll plan the guest thing in advance.
Riley: That, Miss Hooper, we agree on. [Riley grunts in pain]
Evelyn: What’s wrong?
Riley: All that zombie makeup isn’t meant for internal use. I’m gonna go get some Tums.
Evelyn: This feels like poetic justice.
Riley: Don’t make me call an exorcist, Evelyn…
[Riley and Evelyn shuffle to turn off the mic - FADE OUT; OUTRO MUSIC]
--
Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by Scott Thomas, and written by Henry Galley. Script editing by Scott Thomas, Shaun Kingham, and Henry Galley. With episode art by Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Jeremy Showell as Jon, Scott Thomas as Satan, Alex Viney as Brains Vincent, Graham Rowat as Erik D’Corah, and Nichole Goodnight as Tiffany. Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow. Want to find out more? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue.