Episode 103: Video Killed The Podcast Star
Irritated with Riley’s hipsterish frustration with modern TV, Evelyn cycles through a series of TV shows in order to prove the pretentious ghoul wrong. In the process, she might accidentally unleash a universe-destroying horror.
+ Transcript
Riley: All TV is a flaming garbage fire and no one can convince me otherwise.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!
Riley: Throw out your cable box, and unsubscribe from everything, that’s the only way they’ll get the message.
Evelyn: Welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost does the intro and the ghoul goes off-script, Riley.
Riley: They can’t keep getting away with it, Evelyn!
Evelyn: You can’t keep getting away with derailing our intro.
Riley: I’m talking about the big wigs and the fat cats who think they know better than us. Those assholes control what we see, they control what we consume, they control who gets banned from Pizza Pizzazz-O.
Evelyn: You’re still talking about TV, right?
Riley: Yes. Entertainment. The industry. Streaming services. It’s all connected and it’s all shit.
Evelyn: I dunno, I’ve seen some recent shows and they’re not so bad.
Riley: They are more than so bad. Not that you would know.
Evelyn: What’s that supposed to mean?
Riley: I’ve eaten your body, so I know for a fact that you have zero taste.
Evelyn: Wow, did I really taste that bad?
Riley: It was a joke. It means that everything you love is terrible.
Evelyn: Seriously though, what did I taste like?
SOUND: Intro music cuts off the awkward silence.
Evelyn: Rude. So we’re just not going to talk about it?
Riley: I’m more interested in talking about...anything but that.
Evelyn: [Sigh] Like television?
Riley: That’ll do. So, Evelyn, what shows have you been watching?
Evelyn: Well, I’ve been using your mom’s Silverstream account.
Riley: You mean my Silverstream account.
Evelyn: It’s under your mom’s name, though. So it’s your mom’s account.
Riley: Let me have this.
Evelyn: Well, SilverStream has all the episodes of that late-nineties sitcom Associates, so I watch that a lot when I'm bored.
Riley: Ugh. Watching Associates when you're bored is like putting out a garbage fire with piss. Yeah, it works, but at what cost?
Evelyn: Oh come on, Riley, it’s fun!
Riley: Of course you think that, you've been dead for sixteen years, you think emojis are exciting.
Evelyn: They are! They've got little eyes!
Riley: The whole streaming market is a house of cards, anyway. It's all gonna come crashing down soon.
Evelyn: What!? No fair, I only just got into it!
Riley: The entertainment industry has never been fair, Ev. It's a cruel and unforgiving beast - like my mom.
Evelyn: How come it's all gonna crash?
Riley: Well, SilverStream was there first, and when it started making money from rubes like us hand over fist, everyone else wanted a taste of that streaming gold - so now they're flooding the market. Hell’s getting a streaming service.
Evelyn: Hell makes TV shows!?
Riley: Duh. Where do you think reality shows come from? But it's not just that. Vampires are taking all the vampire movies and shows over to their own streaming service, same for stupid, delicious zombies. There's that service run by the Serial Killers Union that has all the good snuff films. And of course, The Crab Lord and his underwater kingdom off the coast of Miami are making their own streaming service, too. This is just the beginning, Ev. In the end, if you want full media coverage, you'll need to subscribe to so many different services that it'll basically be a cable package.
Evelyn: Well that's depressing. But still, it's even more of an excuse to enjoy it while it lasts!
Riley: [Sighing] Fine. I concede. Let’s take a look at what this gallery of bullshit has to offer.
SOUND: SilverStream start-up noise.
Evelyn: You know, they've got a bunch of new content. And they've been marketing the heck out of that new SilverStream-exclusive movie, Grave Boat.
Riley: Shh, shh. You hear that sound? It's me not giving a fuck about Grave Boat.
Evelyn: But it’s on the banners, it must be worth watching.
Riley: You are God’s perfect fool, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Aw, thanks, Riley.
Riley: My point exactly. SilverStream originals are just movies that suck too hard to get into theatres, no matter how they brand them.
[BEAT - SCROLLING NOISES]
Evelyn: That looks good! What’s that show?
Riley: You did not just point to a goddamn anime.
Evelyn: Why? Anime’s great! It’s the next big thing.
Riley: Yeah, that's because you died in 2004, when it was Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and Cowboy Bebop. Now it's “I can pull dinosaurs out of my sister’s quadrouple-D titties, oh and by the way, she's fourteen.”
Evelyn: Pardon…?
Riley: If you want, we can watch the trailer.
--
[ANIME TIME]
SOUND: Intense Anime Music.
Anime Boy: How can I ever become a grand magic mage if I can’t get my GPA above 3.5? I'm such a charmingly plucky underdog!
Anime Girl: You totally suck at life, Baka. Go drown yourself. I'm gonna treat you abusively until you show enough masculine traits to be deemed worthy of respect.
Anime Boy: Senpai, please teach me the true techniques. I’ll do anything for you, even though - despite you being a more competent and interesting character than me - you'll get sidelined for my narrative!
Anime Girl: Don’t saddle me with your emotional labor, B-baka!
Anime Boy: Wow, your glasses make me so hot.
Anime Girl: The fuck did you say?
Anime Boy: Something about grades.
Narrator: F.
[END OF ANIME…FOR NOW]
--
Evelyn: Is that the name of the show or just a general statement?
Riley: It’s how I feel about it. And that’s all that matters.
Evelyn: Y’know, I thought anime was all fantasy, and swords, and cool fight scenes.
Riley: I mean yeah, there is good anime, like Jojo’s, but anime as a whole is kind of like a dumpster. If you want the tasty stuff, you've gotta dig beneath all the used condoms and hypodermic needles.
Evelyn: What’s that one? That one looks like fantasy.
Riley: Kinda. It’s Isekai.
Evelyn: What’s that?
Riley: Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?
Evelyn: Of course, I love The Wizard of Oz!
Riley: Yeah, it's nothing like that. Just watch.
--
[ANIME TIME 2: ANIME TIMES]
SOUND: Whimsical fantasy music.
Salaryman: WHOA! I’m falling through an app on my phone into another world. How this sort of thing happens to 30-year old salaryman like me, I may never know!
SOUND: Magic portal closes.
Anime Maiden: Here ye, handsome stranger, welcome to Arterious.
Salaryman: Are we about to go on some kind of adventure?
Anime Maiden: Of course! You'll go on an exciting quest through our enchanted land - fighting monsters, encountering enemies who’ll learn to cower at your feet, bedding big-breasted maidens, and of course--
SOUND: Anime Maiden breaks into a coughing fit.
Salaryman: You okay there, fair maiden?
Anime Maiden: [cough] Oh dear, it appears I've been stricken with the plague.
Salaryman: That’s not infectious, is it? [cough]
SOUND: Wistful music cue.
Salaryman: And that’s how I came to be dying of the plague in another world.
[ANIME TIME OVER FOREVER]
--
Evelyn: What is that show called?
Riley: Dying of The Plague in Another World.
Evelyn: Well, it’s relatable I guess.
Riley: Okay, let’s get the fuck away from anime.
SOUND: Clicking, as they navigate the menu.
Evelyn: [Smug] What’s this? Continue watching? But Riley, I thought all television was bad.
Riley: There are exceptions.
Evelyn: Like what?
Riley: Something with nuanced characters, intricate plot threads, and a consistent sense of mystery and intrigue.
Evelyn: Oh, I love My Little Pony!
Riley: Ugh, god no. Try this on for size.
--
[PRETENTIOUS SCI-FI TIME]
SOUND: Intense sci-fi music.
Man: I know you slept with my wife.
Android: I only did it to find out if I was a man or a machine.
Man: Congratulations. You’re a man.
Android: What?
Man: I built you. My wife is your mother.
Android: NOOOOOOOOOO.
[RETURN TO NORMAL]
--
Evelyn: What was that all about?
Riley: Oedipus 3000. Third season.
Evelyn: And that’s… a good show?
Riley: You wouldn’t get it. You have to watch from the beginning. I’m gonna warn you, though, the first season’s a slog. Like, nothing worthwhile happens, but it's still super important to the continuity of the show.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I’m not getting any older.
Riley: Yeah, I guess you’re not.
Evelyn: I’ll let you know what I think, when I catch up.
Riley: If you catch up.
Evelyn: No. When. I’m not going to pass up the Riley Almanzor Gold Standard of Entertainment.
Riley: Alright, alright, that’s a little much.
Evelyn: The new Professor Huh series looks good. Have you seen that?
Riley: Professor What?
Evelyn: No, Professor Huh! It’s been on for 60 years, how have you never heard of it?
Riley: Probably because it’s some lowest common denominator crap.
Evelyn: Or it’s so underground that even you haven’t clocked it.
Riley: ...Go on.
Evelyn: It’s a sci-fi series about a man who travels to different places he knows nothing about, and usually either falls for a cheap tourist trap or gets mugged by a local.
Riley: That sounds predictable.
Evelyn: You’d think so, but the writing is actually very sophisticated. It shows active contempt for its younger fans.
Riley: Alright, I’ll bite. One episode.
Evelyn: Yay! Okay, let’s start from the beginning...
--
[WEIRD AD TIME]
Narrator: From the makers of hnnnngh… comes a theatrical experience that will never come to a theatre near you.
SOUND: Foghorn. Waves crash against a boat.
Celebrity Cameo: I can tell you right now… This boat… it’s a grave boat.
B-Lister: A grave boat?
Celebrity Cameo: You heard what I said. A grave boat.
B-Lister: What’s a grave boat?
Celebrity Cameo: You don’t wanna find out.
Narrator: Grave Boat. Getting Grave Reviews from multiple media outlets. Critics are calling it, “a movie.” And “an experience you physically cannot escape.”
Moviegoer 1: I’ve seen so many of those stupid pre-roll ads for Grave Boat, I’m gonna go out of my way never to see [Taken out by sniper]
Moviegoer 2: They told me I’d get to see my family again if I watched Grave Boat, but I don’t even know what it is. Is it like a movie?
Narrator: Yes, it’s a movie… it’s been streaming for months already. Grave Boat. Watch it. Please. It’s right there. Go on. Do it.
[WEIRD AD TIME OVER]
--
Riley: I can’t believe we watched over 60 years of television in one afternoon.
Evelyn: You look visibly older.
Riley: I am. It was pretty good, to be honest.
Evelyn: Guess my taste isn’t so bad after all.
Riley: Uh huh.
Evelyn: Speaking of…
Riley: Don’t.
Evelyn: Come on, can’t you even say I tasted like chicken? Everything tastes like chicken.
Riley: Oh, would you look at that. A new show’s trending. Looks like some old cartoon from the eighties: Middle-Aged Tree Men?
Evelyn: MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN!
Riley: I take it you know the show?
Evelyn: Know it? Riley, Middle-Aged Tree Men was my childhood! I watched it every saturday, I had all the figurines, I even went to the conventions to meet the voice actors.
Riley: I assumed back then they just had the interns do it.
Evelyn: Only for minor characters.
Riley: What’s it about?
Evelyn: It’s an action-adventure-fantasy about two heroes, Redwood and Silverbirch, who are middle-aged men that can also assume the forms of trees. They fight crime, promote recycling, and have a lot of homoerotic subtext. It was the best.
Riley: It sounds painfully dated.
Evelyn: [scoffs] Like all True Art, it’s timeless, Riley!
Riley: You do realize the toy shows of the eighties are an ugly mirror to our consumerist culture, right? They brainwashed kids into worshipping pieces of carcinogenic plastic.
Evelyn: Hey! I grew up on the show and I turned out fine!
Riley: Evelyn, you’re dead.
Evelyn: Well, it wasn’t action-figure cancer that killed me, was it, Riley?
Riley: You were a victim of your preferences, either way.
Evelyn: And now you’re going to be a victim of my preferences, too.
Riley: We’re not watching it.
Evelyn: Too late!
SOUND: Middle-Aged Tree Men theme song begins.
Riley: Oh, you did not just possess my laptop and hit the play button.
Evelyn: That is precisely what I did. Also, hush, it’s starting.
SOUND: The theme song, set to a rising Shepard Tone: MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! TELL YOUR PARENTS TO BUY EVERY TOY!
Evelyn: [Wistful] Oh, this brings back memories.
Riley: Repressed memories?
--
[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
SOUND: Filmation-esque music.
Redwood: Silverbirch, we need to stop those big wigs and fat cats from doing a pollution on the earth!
Silverbirch: Then let’s make like trees and show them who’s boss. Right, Morby?
Morby: Morby!
[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
--
Riley: What’s with the featureless white blob?
Evelyn: Oh, that’s Morby, I guess.
Riley: He doesn’t look middle-aged or like a tree.
Evelyn: I don’t even remember him being in the show, to be honest.
Riley: Fake fan.
Evelyn: I was six. Just watch it.
--
[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
Fat Cat: I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you two meddling guys in your mid-forties.
Redwood: You poor misguided villain. Let’s take a selfie with him, Silverbirch!
SOUND: Camera flash.
Silverbirch: Dab! Dab! I’m dabbing, Redwood, watch me dab!
[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
--
Riley: Are you sure this isn't a reboot?
Evelyn: There’s never been a reboot!
--
[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
Fat Cat: You haven't seen the last of me, Middle-Aged Tree Men!
Redwood: Oh yes we have. Morby, consume him: body, mind, and soul!
Fat Cat: Wait, what?
Morby: MORBY!
SOUND: Fat Cat screams as Morby assimilates him. Morby now speaks with a monotone version of Fat Cat’s voice.
[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
--
Riley: Man. Kids shows were brutal back then. Thanks, Reagan.
Evelyn: I don't remember any of this…
--
[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
Silverbirch and Redwood: Three cheers for Morby! The most important member of the team! Morby! Morby! Morby!
Morby: [Fat Cat’s Voice] Morby.
SOUND: Horrifying screams from Silverbirch and Redwood as Morby grows and consumes both of them.
[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]
--
Riley: What the actual fuck is going on? This is episode one, and everyone's dead!
Evelyn: This is ruining my childhood.
SOUND: Morby becomes louder. More threatening.
Morby: I am Morby. I am the end of memory. Your future is forfeit. You have no place to escape to. Run from your future, come to Morby. Morbyyyyy.
Riley: Umm… Evelyn?
Evelyn: Okay, next episode.
SOUND: Morby’s voice is in the room. An ominous, bass note swells.
Morby: There is no next episode, Evelyn Hooper. Morby is the first and final episode, and every episode in between. I am the vulture who feasts on time. I am the shadow of the turned page. Your innocence is my ambrosia, your lust for simplicity my bread.
Riley: Great, now I’m hungry and terrified.
Evelyn: (scared) Cancel your service.
Riley: I can’t. It’s my mom’s.
Evelyn: I knew it!
Morby: For decades I have slumbered, waiting for a new children’s toy franchise to imbue with my resplendent wholeness. I became impatient and instead settled for a pre-existing intellectual property. One which those same blind fools who shut me away would consume without any thought towards their own future.
Riley: Evelyn, I’m gonna be real. I do not like Morby. He’s the worst.
Evelyn: Don’t you get it, Riley? Morby isn’t from Middle-Aged Tree Men, he’s some kind of parasite who feeds on my generation’s nostalgia. He probably just latched onto this show because it was trending.
Morby: Morby is the next big thing. And soon, the only thing.
Evelyn: I just don’t understand. Why’d it have to be Middle-Aged Tree Men? Do you enjoy ruining what I love? Is that what you are? I bet you were never even a fan of the original cartoon.
Morby: Morby has no concept of its vessels. Only their power.
Riley: I’ve got it! (beat) Hey, Morby… Silverstream just added Heathers. You should get in on that.
Morby: Morby hasn’t seen Heathers, but Morby has heard good things.
Riley: Damn right. It’s a classic and it’s yours for the taking.
Evelyn: Riley! You’ll only make him more powerful!
Riley: Ev, it’s cool.
Morby: Heathers will be one with Morby, and after that, Morby will absorb this podcast, and also the universe.
Riley: Yeah. See you then.
SOUND: Morby slithers back into the TV. The sound in the room returns to normal.
Evelyn: Nice going, Riley! Now you've ruined everyone’s childhood! And their adulthood! And everything!
Riley: Good to know you’re a Heathers fan. We should watch it sometime.
Evelyn: Yeah, let’s watch the cult classic movie that now harbors a galaxy-devouring cosmic nightmare.
Riley: Oh, Heathers is fine. It’s not even on Silverstream. (beat) But what is on Silverstream is the Paramount TV reboot of Heathers.
Evelyn: Wait... Paramount rebooted Heathers?
Riley: Exactly, nobody’s heard of it. He’s so screwed.
Evelyn: So you’re telling me that as long as nobody watches something they weren’t going to watch anyway…
Riley: Our plane of existence and every DVD copy of Middle-Aged Tree Men is safe? You got it.
Evelyn: Riley, if I could hug you properly, I would. But you’re just going to have to settle for a ghost hug.
Riley: I may not feel it on my skin, but I feel it in here.
Evelyn: Did you just point to your stomach?
Riley: No, Evelyn, that’s my heart. I just have bad posture.
[BEAT]
Riley: Oh, and uh, Buffalo Wings.
Evelyn: Huh?
Riley: You tasted like buffalo wings.
Evelyn: So I did taste like chicken!
Riley: Yes, but a very specific type of chicken. My palette is highly discerning.
Evelyn: I thought you didn't wanna tell me.
Riley: Oh, trust me, I didn't, but after nearly being swallowed by an albino langolier, it’s not like I could get any more uncomfortable.
Evelyn: You wanna watch more TV?
Riley: I mean, we did watch TV all afternoon. But yes.
Evelyn: Aw, Riley, You’re the Beavis to my Butthead.
Riley: I have no idea what that means, but thanks, Ev.
[END]