Episode 104: Eternal Slumber Party
Stuck recording at night due to construction noise, Evelyn decides they should have a proper sleepover.
+ Transcript
Riley: We're recording at night again, because my neighbours were getting a dead tree removed today and they've literally just stopped.
Evelyn: Yeah, they were making so much noise.
Riley: Like, not just the tree getting cut down and chopped up, either. I think there was some kind of demonic portal or gate in the ground underneath it. This street has a problem with demon stuff, in general.
Evelyn: But it's fine! It's quiet now. We're still recording on the right day. Ooh, we should do the thing I was talking about earlier!
Riley: Evelyn, come on, don't be a child.
Evelyn: [Clapping] Sleepover episode, sleepover episode!
Riley: You live here too, it's not a--
SOUND: Riley is interrupted by the Intro music.
Riley: Real sleepover.
Evelyn: But Riley, the true meaning of sleepovers lives in your heart!
Riley: Ugh. Whatever, let's do the intro.
Evelyn: Hello internet, if you're listening to this, it means you're the honorary third person at our sleepover.
Riley: Today is the anniversary of an unknown man's death from eating library paste, so in his honour, tonight I'm drinking Elmer's School Glue. I'm Riley...your best ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.
Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghoul and a ghost talk about stuff.
Evelyn: The sleepover episode!
Riley: No.
Evelyn: We're gonna break out the Ben and Jerry's, put on a Disney movie, braid each other's hair, and share all our hot gossip with the listeners at home.
Riley: Okay, but do you realize that's basically impossible? You can't eat, I can't touch you and you can't touch me, and neither of us do enough to have gossip.
Evelyn: So you're still up for Disney?
Riley: I will consider it.
Evelyn: We should get into our pyjamas.
Riley: You can't change your clothes.
Evelyn: You don't know that. I've never tried. Maybe I just have to focus really hard...
SOUND: Evelyn strains, trying to manifest different clothes.
SOUND: A stack of books falls off a shelf in the background.
Riley: Didn't work, still got your Nickelback shirt on.
Evelyn: Heck.
Riley: It’s pretty cool that you can knock shit off shelves, though. That seems like an essential ghost skill.
Evelyn: Oh well. Just imagine I'm in my PJs.
Riley: What kind of PJs did you wear?
Evelyn: Basically a shirt like this one, but bigger, with no pants.
Riley: I just kind of sleep in my clothes.
Evelyn: But also with no pants.
Riley: Obviously. Show me a person who says they actually wear pants to bed and I'll show you a liar or a complete psychopath.
Evelyn: People who live where it's cold probably sleep with pants on.
Riley: We're getting wildly off topic.
Evelyn: So you're letting this be the topic?
Riley: What?
Evelyn: Sleepover.
Riley: Alright, fine. I'll concede to your demand.
Evelyn: Have you ever had a sleepover?
Riley: No. Nobody in my class ever wanted to come to my house. Apparently, it smells like formaldehyde and rot.
Evelyn: Ever been to a sleepover at someone else's house?
Riley: Why would I ever want to do that?
Evelyn: Because it's fun.
Riley: Sleeping in someone else's bed, and using someone else's bathroom? No thanks.
Evelyn: I used to love sleepovers when I was in school. Me and my friends would snuggle up under the blankets together and watch all our favourite animated movies. Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Humans Inc. - you know, the classics. And we'd pop popcorn and have pillow fights and stay up until 3 AM telling each other secrets, then we'd all just fall asleep on the floor in a big pile.
Riley: That's the gayest thing you've ever said to me.
Evelyn: Correct. Anyway, I figured we could maybe crack open some wine, lay some blankets and pillows on the floor, put on a movie, and give our listeners a sleepover experience.
Riley: I told you, I'm already drinking Elmer's school glue tonight. And you know what they say: wine before glue, good for you, but glue before wine, it's suffering time.
Evelyn: ...Do they say that?
Riley: I do. I'm they.
Evelyn: Well, can you open the bottle and pour me a glass anyway? Just for the sake of having it.
Riley: That seems like a waste of wine.
Evelyn: This stuff was like four bucks.
Riley: Fair enough.
SOUND: Riley cracks open the wine and pours a glass.
Riley: Alright, and now I’m gonna take my pants off. This is pants-removal ASMR right here.
Evelyn: What’s ASMR?
Riley: I'll tell you later.
SOUND: Riley unzipping, taking off, then tossing aside their pants.
Evelyn: You sit down here all day, why do you wear pants at all?
Riley: Listen- I may be a basement dweller, but I’m also a professional. Also, sometimes my mom forces me to go to the store and gives me very little notice.
SOUND: Riley stretches their legs.
Riley: And now I’m gonna move the mic so it’s pointing towards my bed.
SOUND: Mic stand scraping on desk, followed by bedsprings creaking.
Riley: So, what kind of sleepover games did you play?
Evelyn: Spin the bottle...which we can’t do, because there’s only two of us. Light as a feather, stiff as a board…
Riley: But we can’t touch each other.
Evelyn: Heck.
Riley: I have a suggestion.
Evelyn: Start telling!
Riley: Let’s play a round of Fuck, Marry, Kill.
[BEAT.]
Evelyn: Oh, right, right- I know that game, we just used to call it Wed, Bed, Behead.
Riley: You went to a private school, didn't you?
Evelyn: How did you guess?
Riley: You go first.
Evelyn: Alright, let me think. Okay: Chad Michael Murray, Alicia Silverstone, annnd... Rob Thomas.
Riley: iZombie Rob Thomas, or Matchbox 20 Rob Thomas?
Evelyn: What's iZombie?
Riley: That answers that. I think: Marry Rob Thomas, Kill Alicia Silverstone, and I guess Fuck Chad Michael Murray because he's the one left.
Evelyn: Why kill Alicia?
Riley: She didn't have to be in Batman and Robin, but she did it anyway.
Evelyn: Ouch. Anyway, your turn.
Riley: Okay....Lady Gaga, Keith Manjaw, and....Lele Pons.
[LONG SILENCE.]
Evelyn: Who?
Riley: Which one do you not know?
Evelyn: All of them.
Riley: [Sighs] Okay, Keith Sexbeard, Dr. Phil, and...the guy from that State Farm commercial.
Evelyn: Well...I know who Dr. Phil is. And I've seen a State Farm commercial, but it might be the wrong one.
Riley: This is exhausting.
Evelyn: Oh, Truth or Dare! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that first!
Riley: Oh, yeah, that might actually be fun. I’ll go first this time- Evelyn.
Evelyn: Yes.
Riley: Truth or Dare?
Evelyn: Uhhhh…Dare.
Riley: I dare you to…try to levitate that wine glass with your ghost powers.
Evelyn: Oh, gosh. I only just figured out how to do that kind of thing, and it was an accident.
Riley: C’mon, Hooper. The sleepover was your idea.
Evelyn: Alright, alright.
SOUND: The wine glass rattles, then explodes, spraying wine and glass everywhere.
SOUND: Riley and Evelyn yelp.
Riley: Well…at least it was white wine.
Evelyn: My turn. Riley.
Riley: Yes.
Evelyn: Truth… or dare?
Riley: Truth.
Evelyn: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Riley: My own appendix.
Evelyn: Why would you do that!?
Riley: Preventative measure, in case I ever got appendicitis.
Evelyn: …Alright.
Riley: Truth or dare, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Truth. Riley: If aliens came for you, and gave you the choice between stabbing a clone of yourself through the brain with a spear, or carrying one of their human-alien hybrid test tube babies, and if you didn’t pick one they would blow up the whole earth…..what would you do?
[BEAT.]
Evelyn: You know, when I used to play this with my friends it was stuff like...what’s your worst nightmare ... have you ever peed in the shower...would you make out with your boss….
Riley: That’s weak shit. Answer the question.
SOUND: Evelyn sighs.
Evelyn: How cute is a half-alien baby?
Riley: They’re really cute. They’re actually cuter than human babies, but you don’t get to keep it once it’s born.
Evelyn: Do I at least get visitation rights?
Riley: No.
Evelyn: Riley, I think you’re just trying to get me to say on air that I would stab a clone of myself in the brain with a spear.
Riley: No, I’m just making the choice more balanced.
Evelyn: Well...I mean...now I feel weird. I feel like I’ve gotta choose the spear, but I don’t want to give you the satisfaction.
Riley: You’re no fun.
Evelyn: Truth or Dare.
Riley: …Dare.
Evelyn: I dare you...Riley...to...play Bloody Mary.
Riley: Are you sure? I mean, we've already got one ghost in that bathroom.
Evelyn: No, no, it'll be fun! I’ll do it with you. When I was alive, I'd always chicken out before I could do it, but I feel like I could make it all the way this time. Got any candles?
Riley: Yeah, I think so. They're in here.
SOUND: They take out some candles.
Evelyn: Yay! To the bathroom!
SOUND: Riley and Evelyn go into the bathroom.
Riley: Hey, Jon.
Evelyn: Hi, Jon. Wanna play Bloody Mary with us?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Not especially, no.
Riley: Fair enough. Your loss.
Evelyn: How've you been holding up in here, anyway?
Pizza Ghost Jon: You know, living that ghost life...well, death. [beat] Actually, I've been meaning to ask: how come you look pretty much normal and I'm all slashed up?
Evelyn: Murder victims keep their wounds to make their killers feel bad.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Huh, is it working, Riley?
Riley: Stop trying to make me have feelings, Jon. I'm attempting to light candles here.
SOUND: Riley strikes a match.
Evelyn: Look, I know you're still kinda sour about Riley eating you.
Pizza Ghost Jon: No, Evelyn, I'm still very sour about Riley eating me.
Evelyn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, point is, I worry about you getting lonely in here. You're more than welcome to come join in on the sleepover.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh, I'm not lonely. I've got company here.
Riley: [surprised] Wait...who?
Brains Vincent: [muffled] Hey sisters!
Evelyn: [gasps] Riley, is that coming from inside you!?
Riley: No, Evelyn!
SOUND: Riley opens the medicine cabinet.
Riley: Brains!
Brains Vincent: Hey, that's my line!
Riley: What the hell are you doing in my medicine cabinet?
Brains Vincent: In my defence, you would have noticed me a lot sooner if you flossed more - and you need it, honey.
Evelyn: Brains Vincent lives! Heck yeah!
Riley: How!?
Brains Vincent: Well, you forgot to eat my head and spinal column, and that's kind of all I need to live.
Pizza Ghost Jon: They ate mine, so I'm wondering why you got special treatment.
Riley: Because zombie brains taste like ass and human brains taste like custard.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I can't tell if I'm disgusted or intrigued.
Evelyn: So you two have just been hanging out in here?
Brains Vincent: Yup! You know, we've got a surprising amount in common. We’re both huge ABBA fans.
Pizza Ghost Jon: And we both hate the Steelers!
Brains Vincent: And Riley!
Riley: Yeah?
Pizza Ghost Jon: No, we were just listing things we hate.
Riley: Oh. That’s fair.
Evelyn: Glad you're not dead-dead, Brains!
Brains Vincent: Thanks, sweetie!
Riley: Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a ritual to perform.
SOUND: Riley closes the medicine cabinet.
Brains Vincent: [muffled] Happy summoning!
SOUND: They turn the lights off.
Evelyn: Riley, can you hold my hand?
Riley: No. I physically can't.
Evelyn: Oh. Right.
Riley: Okay, here goes nothing.
SOUND: Ominous music plays.
Riley and Evelyn together: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
Evelyn: We did it right, right?
Riley: Yeah, I don't think anything is actually supposed to happen--
SOUND: Ghostly noises.
Riley: Holy shit!
Bloody Mary: Hellooo, you rang?
Evelyn: Oh, wow! We actually did it, listeners! Bloody Mary is right here, in the mirror, right now!
Bloody Mary: That's right, it's me, the one and only. What's up, sisters, are we having a sleepover? Oooh, is that a smashed bottle of wine on the desk over there? This sleepover looks fuuuun.
Riley: It was an accident. And I'm not a sister.
Bloody Mary: Yeah, yeah. Can one of you help me out of the mirror?
Evelyn: Sure! Jon, come here, I think this is a “ghosts only” job.
Pizza Ghost Jon: [Sighs] Fine.
SOUND: They pull Bloody Mary out of the mirror.
SOUND: She sips her drink. Several things get knocked over in the process.
Evelyn: So, Bloody Mary, welcome to Less Is Morgue! I'm Evelyn, this is Riley, and we're having a sleepover episode!
Riley: It's funny, they call you Bloody Mary but you're not especially bloody.
Bloody Mary: Common misconception, actually, I've had that moniker since long before I started scratching people's eyes out with my fingernails. The name’s a tribute to my favorite drink order.
SOUND: She sips her drink again and bites the celery garnish.
Bloody Mary: I can't get enough of these.
Riley: I can see that.
Evelyn: So, Bloody Mary-
SOUND: Bloody Mary shushing her.
Bloody Mary: No, no sweetie - call me Mary. Listen - I’ve been here for like 10 seconds, but I can already tell I love you guys. There’s just a great vibe in this room, y’know?
Riley: So you’re not gonna scratch my eyes out with your nails?
Bloody Mary: Well, the night’s still young...
SOUND: Bloody Mary starts laughing.
SOUND: Evelyn and Riley join her, nervously.
Bloody Mary: No, I kid, I kid. I love both of you and I would never. So, what fun stuff have you been doing at this sleepover? [at Jon] Any more cute boys hiding around here?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Uhhh no, just me. Unless you're into severed heads.
Bloody Mary: I’ve never been known to turn down some good head.
Riley: That’s Jon. He’s here all the time, it’s a whole thing.
Bloody Mary: [flirty] Oh yeah, he is. [to Jon] You’re not a delivery boy, you’re a delivery man. What kind of pizza have you got in that box, is it…extra sausage?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Well, now I’m uncomfortable.
Brains Vincent: [muffled] Me too!
Riley: So am I. Let’s get out of the bathroom so we actually have room to move around.
SOUND: The bathroom door closes.
Evelyn: Bloody Mary, since you’re here, do you wanna join our game of Truth or Dare?
Bloody Mary: Oh my god, yes, I thought you’d never ask! Truth or Dare is my favorite. [stage whispering] I’ve got some fun secrets.
Evelyn: Oh, good! This game gets a little boring with just two of us.
Riley: Excuse you, I was trying to make the game interesting.
Evelyn: Yeah, with your weirdo questions about aliens and stabbing clones in the brain.
Riley: You’re weak!
SOUND: Bloody Mary gulping down the rest of her drink in the background.
Bloody Mary: So, whose turn is it?
Evelyn: Well...I’ve gone twice, and Riley’s gone once, so--
Bloody Mary: Great, my turn! I choose truth.
Riley: Okay...fine, I guess.
Evelyn: Alright…Who’s your celebrity crush?
Riley: That’s a lame question.
Bloody Mary: Let’s see…I don’t wanna put anyone on blast, but...I do have one guy I’ve hooked up with who’s kind of famous…
Evelyn: Ooh, tell me!
Bloody Mary: Well, he’s tall, and he’s a sharp dresser, and he’s super mysterious - you can never tell what he’s thinking... because he doesn’t have a face. So hot.
Riley: Oh my god, you didn’t!
Evelyn: [completely lost] Who is he?
Bloody Mary: [stage whisper] His name rhymes with blender slam.
Riley: ...Does it?
Bloody Mary: Yeah, it does...I’m drunk, it doesn’t matter.
Evelyn: I have no idea who she’s talking about.
Riley: It doesn’t matter, he’s an internet celebrity from after your time, but before...uh...now times.
Bloody Mary: You don’t know who he is? Sweetie- sweetie...how?
Evelyn: I died in 2004.
Riley: Yeah, also, she’s kind of a fucking normie, so.
Bloody Mary: Riley, shh. Don’t be mean to your sister. Us women need to stick together-
Riley: I’m not a woman.
Bloody Mary: Whatever. Now, Evelyn...Evelyn, listen. We gotta catch you up on some culture. This is important. This is part of the zeitgeist.
Riley: It was cool 10 years ago.
Bloody Mary: SHH! SHUT UP. We’re watching Stone Bees. We’re binging it.
Riley: There’s like 200 episodes of that shit--
Bloody Mary: Time is fake. Put the video on.
Evelyn: She’s got a point, Riley. We did manage to somehow watch every episode of Professor Huh in the span of 4 hours.
Riley: That’s true, I guess. Temporal reality is pretty fucky in this basement. [sighs] Alright, let’s watch some Stone Bees.
[ WEIRD AD TIME ]
SOUND: Wind chimes, New Age music.
Goopy Female Voiceover: Plants are like...really good. When you keep plants in your home, it makes your space more beautiful, it improves your air quality, and most importantly, it improves your vibe. And here at Strange And Unusual Plant Box, we believe in the curative power of using plants to improve your vibe, by massively ruining other peoples’ vibes. If you subscribe to Strange And Unusual Plant Box for just 9.99 a month, you’ll receive a new, unique killer plant, carefully selected by our team of botanists, to be a perfect gift for someone you hate.
This month’s plant selection is a creeping space moss that grows anywhere, and we mean literally anywhere. If you don’t want to commit to the subscription, you can purchase any of our previous months’ plants. Some of our bestsellers include our talking carnivorous succulents, literal climbing vines, bonsai-sized whomping willows, and a rare species of orchid that releases deadly spores into the air twice a day.
Use promo code ‘Stolas’ on our website and we’ll throw in a free pack of deadly nightshade seeds. Strange And Unusual Plant Box - embrace your inner green witch, and start killing people you don’t like with weird plants.
[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]
Evelyn: Wow, so you and that guy were a thing?
Bloody Mary: Yeah, a million years ago…[wistful, horny] those tentacles.
Riley: Okay, calm down, this is a family podcast.
Evelyn: No, it isn’t.
Riley: It’s not a hentai podcast, that’s for damn sure.
Evelyn: So...Bloody Mary.
Bloody Mary: That’s meeee!
Evelyn: Are you two serious about each other? Because I think it could work. You’d make a cute couple.
Bloody Mary: No, no way. He’s a total sellout. And his ego is just...ugh. Like, yeah, I get it, you’re a ‘brand’...like, shut the fuck up. I’m more well known than you but I didn’t pay to get there, honey. I’ve never had to copyright my own name.
Riley: Wait...you mean [static noises] is trademarked?
Bloody Mary: SHH NO. Bleep that in post. You guys think [static noises] is relentless, wait until you meet his lawyers.
Riley: [deadpan] Spill that tea, sis.
Evelyn: Okay, so, Riley, I think it’s your turn now. Bloody Mary--
Riley: Oh no.
Evelyn: Bloody Mary, you can ask the question.
Bloody Mary: Riley! Truth or Dare?
Riley: Alright….I don’t want to do this, but I did truth on my last turn and I feel a strong need for balance in my life, so….[sighs] Fuck it, dare.
SOUND: Bloody Mary squeals and takes a sip from her drink.
Evelyn: ...When did you refill that glass?
Bloody Mary: Riley, I dare you to play the most embarrassing song that you like at TOP volume.
Riley: I don’t like any embarrassing songs. My taste in music is perfect.
Evelyn: I strongly disagree.
Riley: Shut up, Nickelback-liker.
Evelyn: I wear that title with pride.
Bloody Mary: Come on, Riley, everyone has a couple of dumb songs on their playlist. And you can’t go back on a dare, it’s binding. Like a blood oath.
SOUND: Riley groans, clicks their mouse a couple times, then hits play. They make a noise like this physically hurts them.
SOUND: Numa Numa starts playing full blast.
Evelyn: Oh my gosh, I love this song!
Riley: Your approval fills me with shame.
SOUND: Loud banging on the basement door. The music stops.
Riley: Alright, mom, it’s off!
SOUND: Footsteps leading away from the basement.
Bloody Mary: Ugh, buzzkill much?
Riley: Tell me about it.
Bloody Mary: Well...you know what else we love to do at sleepovers…
[PAUSE.]
Bloody Mary: [stage whisper] We play pranks.
Riley: Absolutely not.
Bloody Mary: Shhh, nothing bad, I’m just gonna play a lil prank on your buzzkill mom. I’m gonna go into the hall mirror and scare her.
Riley: She will kill you and then she will kill me.
Bloody Mary: It’s fine, I’m a ghost!
Riley: That will not stop her.
Bloody Mary: [getting farther away] What? Too late, I’m going upstairs.
SOUND: Ghostly noises as she phases through the ceiling.
Riley: Well, Evelyn...you wanted an interesting sleepover.
Evelyn: [extremely worried] So can your mom actually kill ghosts?
Riley: You’re safe, my parents think you’re my imaginary friend.
Evelyn: Why? They can hear my voice on the podcast…
Riley: They don’t listen. They say they want to, but I know they don’t.
SOUND: Clattering and indistinct yelling from upstairs. Bloody Mary falls back through the ceiling.
Evelyn: Holy smokes, Bloody Mary, are you okay?
Riley: I told her.
SOUND: Bloody Mary gets up off the floor and brushes herself off.
Bloody Mary: Gals, it’s been fun but I, uh...I have to go.
Evelyn: Aww, why? We were having such a fun time!
Bloody Mary: No, I have to go. Right now. I physically have to.
Evelyn: Why are you going back into the bathroom?
Bloody Mary: I can’t stop it, I have to go. I love both of you, bye guys. [to Jon] Pizza Man...you know how to call me.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that. Sorry.
SOUND: Bloody Mary is sucked back into the mirror.
Evelyn: What was that all about?
Riley: I knew it would happen…she should’ve listened. My mom used The Voice on her.
Evelyn: Are you serious?
Riley: Absolutely. Mom Voice is the most powerful method of banishment on Earth.
Evelyn: We’ll have to summon her again sometime, she was fun. How are we doing for time?
Riley: I think we’re good to wrap it up.
Evelyn: You still up for a Disney marathon?
Riley: Honestly? I kinda just want to go to bed.
[ END OF EPISODE]