Episode 105: Todd's Heaven
A discussion about board games and the downsides of death is scuppered when Todd, a creepy metaphysical conman, manifests in our hosts’ basements and pitches his latest scam.
+ Transcript
Evelyn: You know what the worst part of being dead is? It’s--
Riley: Wait, hold up, lemme see if I can guess.
Evelyn: Oh. Okay. Sure.
Riley: Is it not being able to experience physical sensation?
Evelyn: I mean, yeah, that does suck, but I was thinking about--
Riley: Never being able to see your family and friends again?
Evelyn: Well, yes, obviously, but--
Riley: Knowing you'll never be able to get a photo with Chad Kroeger unless they use a haunted camera?
Evelyn: [Demonic] OKAY! I GET IT! [Normal] Gosh, I don't even remember what I was gonna say, but now I just feel bummed.
Riley: Maybe we should play a game? That might cheer you up. And besides, Actual Play stuff is doing really well right now.
Evelyn: What kind of game?
Riley: Lemme see what I've got…
SOUND: Riley shuffles through a collection of board games.
Riley: How about Monopoly?
Evelyn: We tried Monopoly before.
Riley: Then let’s try it again. It’s fun.
Evelyn: I don't think that's a good idea. Monopoly brings out a darker side of you. It can get a little scary.
Riley: I don't know what you mean.
Evelyn: Last time, when you started losing, you yelled “Communism, bitch” and flipped the board. You didn't speak for like, a whole day after that.
Riley: I will not apologise for dismantling a corrupt system. [Pause] Maybe not Monopoly.
Evelyn: What about Pictionary?
Riley: Evelyn, this is audio, we might as well spend half an hour doing interpretive dances. Plus, Pictionary sucks.
Evelyn: I thought you were doing this to cheer me up?
Riley: I am, but I've also gotta think about the bigger picture. How about Clue?
Evelyn: I appreciate that you're trying, but that one is literally about death.
Riley: Uhhh. Uno? Chutes and Ladders? Hide the Pineapple? I think I've got one about dinosaurs in here somewhere...
Evelyn: Wait, you told me nobody ever came down here before I started haunting you. Why do you have all these?
Riley: When I was on my own I'd just play with myself.
[Beat]
Evelyn: Do you want to try that sentence again?
Riley: I don't believe in rephrasing. It's for cowards and politicians.
SOUND: Evelyn groans.
Evelyn: Why does the afterlife have these stupid rules, anyway? Who wrote the ghoul clause? What’s the point?
Riley: I mean if you think about it, life and death is a lot like chutes and ladders: the rules are arbitrary, and it's mostly pure chance disguised as meaningful choice.
Evelyn: Well, that's existentially terrifying.
Riley: Really? I feel like it takes the pressure off. It means I can't really be blamed for any of the dumb shit I've done.
Evelyn: I mean, I guess that's true.
Riley: Shit, wait, did we do the--
SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.
Riley: Intro?
Evelyn: Hey party people! If you're listening to this, it means that you're probably alive, but death inches ever closer!
Riley: People will tell you that Bigfoot didn't assassinate JFK - but he never gave a solid alibi. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I'm Riley.
[MOMENT OF SILENCE]
Evelyn: Say it.
Riley: Do I have to?
Evelyn: It’d make me happy.
Riley: That doesn't compel me, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Riley…
Riley: Fine! I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!
Riley: And on this show, we--
SOUND: Electrical noises, growing increasingly obtrusive.
Riley: What’s that noise?
Evelyn: Did you leave that snow cone machine plugged in again?
Riley: You leave Mr. Frosty out of this. This is...different.
SOUND: The electrical noises suddenly build to explosive proportions.
Evelyn: Hit the deck!
SOUND: BOOM! Followed by silence.
Riley: What the fuck was that?
SOUND: Casual footsteps approach.
Todd: Who the fuck was that, actually.
Riley: Sorry. Who the fuck are you?
Todd: Oh, where are my manners? Name’s Todd, nice to meet you.
Evelyn: Hi, Todd!
Riley: Get out of my basement!
Todd: Friends, pals, buddies, there's no need to get so aggressive. I'm a patron of the arts.
Riley: Well, this is where art comes to die. Now piss off!
Todd: I don't think you're quite comprehending what I'm offering you here, Riley.
Evelyn: How do you know their name?
Todd: I'm a big fan of the show, and I wanted to buy some ad time.
Evelyn: You probably could have just sent an email.
Riley: We don't have fans. And we don’t run ads.
Todd: Uh, yeah you do. I’ve heard them. Like the Zeus condoms and that crappy Grave Boat movie.
Evelyn: Oh, we don't license those. They just end up on the file somehow.
Riley: Our best guess is that the frequencies we tune into to pick up Evelyn’s voice also put us on the same wavelengths as some real weird shit.
Todd: So those ads aren't even monetised?
Evelyn: Nope.
Todd: [Shudders] Seems you guys really need a person like me.
Riley: We don't even know who you are, Todd.
Todd: Then please, let me sell you the dream!
Riley: I can already feel the migraine coming on.
SOUND: Twee, public-domain sounding acoustic guitar music begins to play.
Todd: Afterlives are like telecom companies - when you die, you’re generally stuck with the big five. You’ve got your Hindus, your Muslims, your Christians, your Jewish folks, your Sikhs.
Riley: What about whacky fringe religions, like Scientology?
Evelyn: Oh, they just go to regular hell.
Todd: Point is, it’s an oligopoly. But not only are you limiting your choices with those lame analog afterlives, they’re also full of old people. It’s like Facebook, it’s a retirement home up there.
Evelyn: Well yeah, most people who die tend to be old--
Todd: [Totally ignores Evelyn] Wouldn’t it be so much better if there was a newer, cooler afterlife? A place for millenial and gen Z ghosts, who don’t wanna rub elbows with a million dull, geriatric phantoms every day? You know, the kind of ancient ghosts who still think Gerry and the Pacemakers are the next big thing? You want an afterlife that you can rely on. An afterlife with ads tailored to your preferences. An afterlife with regular software updates and downloadable content!
Riley: That sounds horrible.
Todd: And that is where I come in! I’m something of a market disruptor - you know, an innovator, a blue sky thinker, always on my grind - and when I see a problem, my internal marketing engine gives me a solution. I’m the Steve Jobs of metaphysics. The Zucc of spiritual solutions.
Riley: The Jim Jones of venture capital.
Todd: Ooh, I like that. Mind if I use it in future?
Evelyn: [Baffled] You shouldn’t want to use it…
Todd: Look, I’ll cut to the chase: I’m offering an alternative to all the crap the other gods are trying to shill. My own, private afterlife, for young, trendy influencers. An Instagram-friendly Elysian Field. I call it...Todd’s Heaven.
Riley: Wow, how’d you come up with that?
Todd: [Completely missing the sarcasm] Months of rigorous A-B testing.
Evelyn: Two questions - Firstly, how did you even get here, and secondly, how the heck do you make your own afterlife?
Todd: First answer: Astral projection. It’s not that hard. Second answer: I bought a plot of land in the Midwest with some seed money and set up shop there. We’re still working out the kinks, but early adopters are getting a discount for helping with tests. Diego and Dalton Dupre are already there.
Riley: Those YouTubers who died doing the “eat plastic explosives challenge”?
Todd: The very same! Great guys. Great, great guys. They signed on immediately, after we finally managed to find their hands.
Evelyn: So they’re all just gonna be hanging out in a field in Kansas?
Todd: I could explain this all day, but that’d be terribly inefficient. All the details are in my book, right here.
SOUND: Todd passes the book to Riley.
Riley: [Incredulous] Todd’s Bible?
Todd: Actually, if you look closely, you’ll see there’s an umlaut above the second B, so it’s pronounced “Bibble.”
Riley: That’s not how letters work.
Evelyn: Why not just call it Todd’s Bible?
Todd: Todd’s Bibble has better SEO. Plus, it helps me avoid a potential copyright suit. [annoyed muttering] Thanks a lot, Yahweh.
Riley: Wait. So you’re trying to create a whole new belief system...about yourself?
Todd: Well, yeah, you can’t have an afterlife without a belief system. It’s all there in chapter four of the Bibble.
Riley: I get that you’re probably trying to do a nice thing here, but everything about it is stupid and terrible.
Todd: They called the iPod stupid and terrible when it first came out.
Evelyn: No they didn’t, everyone loved it. They made millions of dollars.
Todd: We’ll agree to disagree. What I’m offering you two lucky ladies--
Riley: I’m not a lady.
Todd: [Doesn’t miss a beat] What I’m offering you two lucky individuals, is some cold, hard cash in exchange for your on-air endorsement. Right now, Todd’s Heaven isn’t exactly moving the needle, but that’s natural for something on the bleeding edge of post-death technology. We’re leading this horse to water and the poor thing’s got no idea how thirsty it is.
Riley: Do you speak entirely in buzz-words?
Todd: I think you and your fans would benefit from the products I have to offer here. It could be a lucrative brand deal - Evelyn, you're guaranteed a place there, and Riley, you're more than welcome to have a free ride if you die before you're thirty. Which, given your diet and attitude towards self-care, is likely.
Riley: [Muttering] Dick.
Todd: This isn't just gonna be another flop, like Karma 2 or Ghost Pepsi, it’s gonna be huge - and you two can get in on the ground floor!
Evelyn: If you expect us to tell people about it on the podcast, wouldn't it make sense for us to at least see it first?
Todd: Uh, I…
Riley: Yeah, Todd, you can't expect us to shill your stuff when we don't even know if it's decent. And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, it probably isn't.
Todd: [Nervous laugh] Well, it’s early days, we’re prototyping, there’s a lot of bug-fixing and growth-hacking still left to do…
Evelyn: I’m sure it's not that bad, it'd just be a little peek.
Todd: [Frustrated] Oh, for the love of Todd, fine! But I won't have you judging it like it's a final product, because there's still so much crunch work we need to do.
Evelyn: Yay! I can't wait to see it!
Todd: Evelyn, you come with me. We’ll report back once you've been thoroughly impressed by the hipness and majesty of Todd’s Heaven.
Evelyn: Wait, won’t Riley have to come with us?
Todd: Nah, I’ll take temporary custody. Don't you worry, Riley, I'll have her back in one piece before you can say “Cutting-edge industry solutions”.
Riley: Hollow promises from a stranger currently invading my personal space don’t really ease my concerns.
Evelyn: [soft, while Riley speaks] Cutting edge...industry…What does that even...
Todd: Riley… [chuckles] Riley, Riley, Riley…
Riley: Stop that.
Todd: We’re not strangers! You know my name, don’t you?
Riley: Yeah, but that doesn’t--
Todd: See! Not strangers! You can trust me!
Riley: You sound like somebody about to snatch a child.
Todd: You would know, Myxter Almanzor.
Riley: You sure you’re comfortable with this, Evelyn? Cause you don’t have to do anything this smiley, man-bun-wearing creep says.
Evelyn: Aw, Riley, it’s okay! If something happens I’ll pop right back here.
Todd: Also, I get nothing from ghost-napping a small time podcast host. Far, far, far bigger fish to fry.
Riley: [grunts in annoyance] Alright. Not like I can stop you, anyway.
Evelyn: Right! Do you think you can hold down the fort while I'm gone?
Riley: I’ll survive.
Todd: Alright, then let’s go.
SOUND: The same loud, electrical noises as earlier.
Evelyn: See you all soooooooon--
SOUND: BOOM! Todd and Evelyn are gone.
Riley: [Sighs in relief] Peace at last. Now, it's time to do the podcast my way. The Riley Almanzor entertainment extravaganza we’ve all been waiting for…
SOUND: Long pause, something drips in the background.
Riley: Huh. Guess I needed a little more prep time for this. [Hums a tune, trying to think of what to say] Oh! I'm writing a novel, have been for a couple years now. It's High Fantasy, about a brave and gallant hero called R’lyeh who's trying to make their way through a world of loud, annoying people who always wanna touch their stuff. One sec, It’s written in longhand in all my notebooks…
SOUND: Papers rustling.
Riley: Ah-hah! Chapter Seven, where R’lyeh sticks it to their mom for telling them being an aspiring writer - I mean, uh, knight - isn't a real job. I'll read you an extract. “R’lyeh stands before her, sword in hand, ready to plunge it into her big, stupid, judgemental face…”
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: The dullest, most nondescript elevator music you've ever heard.
Bored Narrator: Do you like modern Top 40 music, but feel like it's a little too complex and cerebral for your tastes? Do you prefer music to tune you out of your body, like a kind of audio heroin? Do you think the quality of a song is inversely proportional to the amount of singing and number of instruments involved?
SOUND: The narrator gives a long, breathy sigh.
Bored Narrator: Great. We have the album for you. For the low, low price of 9.99, you can pick up a lightly-used copy of “Now That’s What I Call Noise 17.” Featuring all your favourite 2002 semi-hits and Public Domain easy-listening music. If your will to go on is incidental to--
SOUND: The narrator’s voice warps and then melts into silence.
Todd: While I'm sure we were all enjoying the ad for that wonderful product, I'm hijacking the signal with a very special message: There has never been a better time to sign up for Todd’s Heaven.
SOUND: Todd’s twee acoustic guitar music kicks into gear again.
Todd: With the fabric of reality growing weaker every day, the likelihood of large swathes of the population dying before thirty is increasing. Is this bad news? Of course not! Meatspace reality is going out of style. [Creepy, glitchy effect on voice] Everything’s decaying. [Laughs, returns to normal] But when life gives you lemons, you create a kind of lemon-counting app that disenfranchises lemon farmers across Florida. We can--
SOUND: The bored narrator begins to return, like a signal interruption.
Bored Narrator: This album is the answer to problems nobody has.
Todd: Oh, come on, I was just getting to the good part.
SOUND: Todd’s guitar music stops; the elevator music resumes.
Bored Narrator: If you call in with promo code [screams], we’ll add a dollar to the price. “Now That’s What I Call Noise 17.” It’s relentless.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Riley: “...And R’lyeh strikes the foul beast again with their sword, and screams, ‘In the modern world, you can make a living off of creativity if you find your audience! It’s called Patreon, bitch!’--”
SOUND: The same electrical interference, building.
Riley: [Sighs] I guess it was fun while it lasted. [Slurps]
SOUND: BOOM! Evelyn and Todd return.
Riley: Hey, how was Kansas? Crush any witches?
Evelyn: Nope, only my spirit.
Todd: What are you drinking? Is that milk?
Riley: [Slurp] What, this? No, I'm lactose intolerant, this is mayo. [Burps]
Todd: [Gags] Oh my Todd, that's horrifying.
Riley: I'm not forcing you to drink it. [Slurp] So, Evelyn, how was Todd’s Hypebeast Hellscape?
Evelyn: It’s the most Supreme merchandise I've ever seen in one place.
Todd: [Tuts] You say that like it's a bad thing.
Evelyn: All of the people there just stand around making six-second-long sketches and jokes. It's super awkward to watch in real-time.
Todd: That’s to be expected, a lot of them died during the Vine era.
Riley: And you've not even told them the app’s gone!? That's sick!
Todd: Where do you think the app went when it died? All of Tumblr’s porn is there, too.
Evelyn: But that's not even the worst part!
Todd: I feel like you're just being unfair now.
Evelyn: There’s a boombox in the center of Todd’s Heaven that just plays “MMMbop” constantly.
Riley: Wait, what? The Hansen song?
Todd: It’s a great song! Catchy, up-beat, nice rhythm…
SOUND: Todd begins snapping his fingers and humming MMMbop, as if to say, “see? It's great!”
Evelyn: Every time it ends it just plays again. It's looping eternally.
Todd: I'll be able to get the rights to more music when I have the capital!
SOUND: Riley slurps their mayo.
Todd: For Todd’s sake, will you stop drinking that? I feel like I’m gonna barf every time you do it. It’s revolting.
Riley: I’ll stop drinking the mayo when you stop awkwardly forcing your name into things.
Todd: [Frustrated] Then it seems we’re at an impasse. You know, you’re not the only influencers I’ve approached - RedPillWarrior500’s check is in the mail, and I’ve got a tentative “yes” from Dwayne Wayne Wayne.
Evelyn: Isn’t he a serial killer?
Todd: Well, yeah, if you wanna split hairs, but his execution is scheduled for before his 28th birthday, so he still makes the cutoff.
Riley: Has it ever occurred to you that you might be more successful if you focused on making a decent product rather than just constantly marketing it?
Todd: You clearly don’t understand the gig economy, Riley.
Riley: There’s a lot about this I don’t understand.
SOUND: Todd sighs.
Todd: Shame. Real shame. It’s as much my fault as it is yours - well, probably more your fault. You’ve really put me in a difficult position here.
Evelyn: We’re sorry!
Riley: No, we are absolutely not! We didn’t even invite you here!
Todd: [In his own world] Damage control. Of course, you understand I can’t let you release this episode. It’d be terrible PR for Todd’s Heaven, right as we’re beginning to take off.
Evelyn: There were like twenty people there, it really isn’t taking off.
Todd: Well, I have it on good authority that in a couple months Apple is going to release a faulty selfie-stick that explodes after three uses, so those numbers are IRRELEVANT! This episode is never going to air.
Riley: I shared an entire chapter of my novel, there’s no way in hell we’re losing that audio.
Todd: Funny you should mention that, because Todd’s Hell is really--
Evelyn: Maybe you should just go home, Todd. You can work on your next...thing.
Todd: I’m not leaving until I see this slanderous episode wiped from your hard drive. I’d hate to have to get my legal team involved. Or worse…
SOUND: Those electrical noises building.
Todd: [Creepy] After all, you have no idea what I’m capable of.
Riley: Why does this always happen to us? I just wanted to make a podcast, for Todd’s sake. [Beat] Fuck, now I'm saying it!
Todd: Delete the episode. Now!
Evelyn: Uh, how about we cut you a deal, instead?
Riley: I never approved a deal. We didn’t discuss this.
Todd: [returning to normal] I’m listening. Go on.
Evelyn: We’ll play a game! If we win, we get to upload the episode, and you leave.
Todd: Hmm. Not buying it so far. What if I win?
Evelyn: If you win, we’ll delete this episode, and we’ll record a new one where we talk about how great Todd’s Heaven is the whole time, free of charge.
Riley: WHAT!?
Todd: Okay, I’m back in. What’s the game?
Evelyn: Uhh…
Riley: Um…
Todd: I’m waiting…
Evelyn: Oh, Monopoly! The game is Monopoly.
Riley: [Exhausted] Sure, why the fuck not?
Todd: Alright, deal. But only if I get to be the car.
Evelyn: I’ll take the dog! Look at its cute lil’ fur mustache!
Riley: Guess I'll be the boot.
SOUND: Shuffling.
Evelyn: Riley, what are you doing?
Riley: I’m gonna pause the recording. This could take a while.
Todd: Capitalism, don’t fail me now…
SOUND: Click. Silence for a few seconds. When we return, shit’s real heated. Riley’s muffled, close snickering can be heard before they pull away to return to the game.
Todd: This is bullshit! You can't just take all my hotels!
Riley: Well, how else do you plan on paying us, Todd?
Todd: Uhh...Uhhhh...Can you maybe extend my credit?
Evelyn: Sorry, no can do, it's against the rules.
Todd: Oh, come on, can’t you just bend the rules for once and show me a little compassion?
Riley: That’s not really in line with the spirit of the game, Todd. Monopoly’s a bloodsport, and you just got bled.
Todd: [Muttering indistinguishable obscenities under his breath]
SOUND: Todd shuffling through cards and paper, fumbling as an idea hits him.
Todd: [desperate] Can I sell my car?
Riley: That’s not gonna cut it, considering the resale value. You know cars lose half their worth the moment they’re driven out of the lot? Pretty fucked up system.
Evelyn: Also, it’s technically not an asset in the game. How would you be able to play without a piece?
Todd: Please, I’ll do anything! This is my thing! [breaking up, genuinely frustrated] I’m supposed to be good at this!
Riley: And yet, here you are.
Evelyn: [Chipper] Hotels, please.
Todd: Alright, fine, take all the stupid hotels.
SOUND: Todd throws a handful of plastic hotels.
Todd: Take my shoes, while you’re at it! Want my wife? Kids? Take those too! My soul?! Hell, why not-- well, actually…
Evelyn: Do you have any of those things?
Riley: Doesn’t matter, game’s over.
SOUND: Todd groans in frustration.
Riley: And that, Todd, is called bankruptcy.
Todd: Don’t you dare ghoulsplain business to me, Almanzor, I know business.
Riley: Whatever you say, buddy. GG.
Todd: Oh, screw you. Screw both of you!
Evelyn: Nobody likes a sore loser, Todd.
Todd: I am not a loser. You're losers! I'm an entrepreneur - I'm making things that matter. Things that have value! Apps, websites, proprietary software! I’m not some morbid geek making a podcast in their literal basement! You think people are actually gonna listen to this bullshit? No studio? No celebrity guests!? You don’t even live in New York or LA!
Evelyn: Jeez, it was just a game! Lighten up, Todd.
Todd: [scoffs] It’s all a game, Evelyn! Life, death, business, Monopoly. And none of it matters unless I win!
Riley: Maybe it's time for you to leave. You’ve got some wounds to lick.
Todd: Oh, I'm going, but because I want to, not because you told me to!
Evelyn: I don’t really see how that makes a dif--
Todd: And one more thing! You may think we’re done here, but my grind never ends! People like me make the future. We get to decide what it looks like, and we get to decide who's allowed in it. Just keep that in mind next time you want to mess up my business. Todd out!
SOUND: Quick, electrical outburst, and BOOM! Todd’s gone.
Riley: What a drama queen.
Evelyn: It was nice to play a real game of Monopoly, though.
Riley: Leave it to you to find the silver lining of our podcast getting hijacked.
Evelyn: I mean, for a computer nerd with a God complex, he wasn't all that bad. Nobody ended up dead - or deader.
Riley: Yeah, I guess. At least he didn't try to eat the universe, that's a plus.
Evelyn: See? It’s easy to look on the bright side when you stop and think about it.
Riley: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Hooper, for someone with objectively terrible taste in everything, you’re surprisingly wise.
Evelyn: I dunno, I think I have pretty good taste in friends.
Riley: Okay, okay, anymore emotional sincerity and I’m gonna start feeling uncomfortable.
Evelyn: I’ll get you there one day.
Riley: How come you're so chipper, anyway? When we started recording you were getting the post-mortality blues.
Evelyn: Well, I realized there are things worse than being an earth-bound spirit stuck to a ghoul who doesn't get out much.
Riley: Like what?
Evelyn: Todd’s Heaven.
Riley: I really should have seen that coming.
Evelyn: Wanna go play Chutes and Ladders?
Riley: Sounds good to me, Ev.
[THE END]