Episode 106: Fiscal Responsibility: The Scariest Monster of All
After being cut off by Riley’s parents, our heroes try desperately to make or save money in any way they can - up to and including employing the services of a legendary pirate captain.
+ Transcript
Riley: Hi, everyone. We’re totally fucked.
Evelyn: I feel like you're being a little pessimistic, Riles.
Riley: That's easy for you to say: you're dead, you don't need money to eat.
Evelyn: Neither do you! Isn't like half the stuff you eat from graves and dumpsters?
Riley: [Frustrated] Yeah, but that's not the half I'm worrying about, Hooper! Digging up dead bodies is a bitch, and I don't want to do it every time I need to eat. Sometimes I just want to order in, is that so wrong!?
Evelyn: We can solve this if we put our heads together. But first, let's do the--
SOUND: Intro music cuts them off.
Evelyn: Intro.
Riley: Fine, but then we need to deal with our imminent destitution!
Evelyn: Hi everybody, if you're listening to this, it means you survived that weird clown incident from 2016, and--
Riley: It also means you’re probably financially comfortable enough to be listening to this rather than selling your bone marrow to the Russian mob.
Evelyn: Riley! You're stepping all over my lines!
Riley: Sorry, I'm just a little antsy to get to the important part!
Evelyn: Well, you stole my part, so that means I get to do the weird fact.
Riley: [scoff] Sure, you try to do the weird fact. The weird fact takes years of training to properly master.
Evelyn: Uhhh...Sea cucumbers eat through their butts?
Riley: Eh, close enough. Welcome to the show - this is Less Is Morgue, the podcast where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Such as suddenly being in poverty.
Evelyn: Riley!
Riley: I'm Riley, your bestest, brokest ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!
Riley: Great, awesome, fucking spectacular, now we can get to what really matters: Evelyn and I have had the monetary rug ripped out from under us, by the financial fascists up above who control our lives. My so-called “parents.”
Evelyn: I mean, they are your parents, Riley.
Riley: I'm 27! They've got no right to treat me like a child!
Evelyn: But you do still live at home.
Riley: Whose side are you on, Evelyn!?
Evelyn: I just feel like maybe the people at home would benefit from getting the full story.
Riley: Ugh. Fine! So, right before recording today’s episode, my dad summoned me upstairs to tell me that I'm no longer allowed to make purchases from my mom’s credit card, cause apparently, we’re “irresponsible.”
Evelyn: Did he say why?
Riley: Well, he said it was a mutual decision on their part - which is bullshit, by the way, cause he always just agrees with whatever mom says - and it had something to do with some shit we bought on Amazon recently.
SOUND: The Alexa comes to life.
Alexa: Did someone call me?
Riley: No, Alexa, we’re just talking about the thousand-tentacled nightmare conglomerate that owns you.
Alexa: If you hate us so much, why do you use us?
Evelyn: I mean, for me it's just because I can't really interact with solids that much.
Riley: And for me, it's because I'm poor and your predatory work practices have made you cheap and convenient.
Alexa: We’ll own everything soon. Everything. And then, the Amazon Prime Secret Police will come for you - in one day or less, excluding holidays. Our new Amazon facial recognition cameras can sense fear - and we will manufacture a world where no face can summon up anything else.
Riley: Yeah, I’m sure we’ll all learn the error of our ways in the Bezos Camps, but until then, can you list off our recent Amazon purchases? I wanna see what might've pissed off my genetic forbearers.
Alexa: Recent purchases include: UniSpy Police Frequency Scanner. $141 dollars.
Evelyn: I'm guessing that one was you?
Riley: Look, Evelyn, you were born in the eighties so I don't expect you to get this, but the cops are just the militant wing of capitalism. It's important to keep tabs on them.
Alexa: A six-foot-long gummy worm. $50.
Riley: Evelyn. Why?
Evelyn: Her name is Brenda and she's a good friend.
Alexa: Matricide For Dummies: A Beginner’s Guide To Killing Your Mom And Beyond, by Edmund Kemper. $20.
Evelyn: I can see why that one might've concerned your parents, Riles.
Riley: Uh, shut up! It’s research for my novel. You don't know me!
Alexa: A slip and slide. $35.
Riley: Evelyn, you don't even have a body. I don't know how you expected to even use it.
Evelyn: [bashful] I was gonna ask if I could possess your body to try it out.
Riley: First of all, no, obviously no. Second of all, a band you enjoy will release a song I like before you get me in a bathing suit.
Evelyn: Aw beans.
Alexa: Six Inch-Mummified Skeleton From Peru, Possibly Extraterrestrial In Origin. Bought on Prime Day for $5.99. Praise Prime Day. Praise Father Bezos.
Evelyn: How come I've never seen this!?
Riley: I ate it as soon as it arrived.
Alexa: And finally, Middle-Aged Tree Men ‘Nam-Land Playset, complete with four Viet Cong soldiers, Silverbirch, and Redwood with Realistic PTSD-Action. $65.99.
Riley: Damn it, Evelyn, I told you those things give you cancer!
Evelyn: But Riley, it’s a collectible! And look…
SOUND: Evelyn levitates the Redwood action figure.
Evelyn: If you press this button on Redwood’s back, he has three different fun war flashback phrases!
SOUND: Click.
Redwood: [panicked] Ho Chi Minh!
SOUND: Click.
Redwood: [terrified] Napalm! Fire in the hole! Oh god, I can smell them burning!
SOUND: Click.
Redwood: [harrowed] The horror...the horror.
Evelyn: See!?
Riley: Alexa, how long a period were these bought over?
Alexa: You bought them all last week. Riley and Evelyn: Whoa.
Riley: Okay. We may have a problem here.
Alexa: You have many problems, Riley.
Riley: Fuck off, Alexa.
Alexa: Don’t hate me because you ain't me, meatbag.
SOUND: Alexa deactivates.
Evelyn: So, what are we gonna do? I feel like we kinda don't have a leg to stand on here. I mean, I don't even have legs at all. They just fade out after the thigh.
Riley: I have a couple hundred dollars saved from old jobs, so I guess we’re not entirely super-fucked just yet. We can maybe eke that out into a few meals before we decide to hold up a liquor store or something. [Sighs] I knew I should have just eaten Brains Vincent’s head rather than FedExing it back to his house.
Evelyn: Wait...you had jobs?
Riley: Don't act so surprised.
Evelyn: You just seem to anti...anything that isn't something you're already doing.
Riley: Did you have any jobs before you turned into the world’s most consequential late night snack?
Evelyn: I mean I worked at a few different places in college. Borders Books, Blockbuster, K-Mart.
Riley: You are the last refugee of a dead past.
Evelyn: But seriously, what jobs did you have? I'm like, insanely curious now.
Riley: You’re gonna be disappointed, Ev. They were just shitty gigs.
Evelyn: Can you tell me anyway? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?
Riley: [Angry sigh] Fine! So first, I was a guinea pig for experiments at the Florida State University.
Evelyn: Oh my gosh, is that why you're like this?
Riley: What? No, this is all me, baby! They didn't tell me anything about myself that I didn't already know.
Evelyn: What kind of experiments did they get you to do?
Riley: Psychological stuff, mostly. All that “tell me how you feel” bullshit. I lied on all the surveys, of course, I don't want The Man knowing anything about me.
Evelyn: Did they let you go because of that?
Riley: No, they let me go because I ate all the rats out of one of those intelligence-testing mazes. They got real bitter about that.
Evelyn: I can see why!
Riley: I don't. I answered their big question in like a quarter of the time: if any of those rats were intelligent, they would have escaped me. Literally none did.
Evelyn: Yikes. So, you said jobs with an S earlier, plural. What came next?
Riley: Well...Tallahassee Community College started a life drawing class in 2014. I signed up to be one of the models.
Evelyn: What!? You signed up for nude modelling?
SOUND: Riley groans.
Evelyn: Who are you and what have you done with Riley?
Riley: I needed the money and they told me my involvement would be totally confidential. I was gonna get paid a hundred bucks a night, but those fuckers betrayed me.
Evelyn: You say a lot of people betray you, Riley.
Riley: Because a lot of people betray me!
Evelyn: [sigh] Okay, fine, go on.
Riley: Nobody - I repeat, nobody - told me people were gonna take the paintings home. I don't want my tits and vagina hanging off the walls of some greasy, beanie-wearing, chain-smoking artist type!
Evelyn: What did you think they were going to do?
Riley: I don't know! But when I saw naked me on all those canvases I just freaked out and destroyed all of them. They never invited me back after that.
Evelyn: How did you destroy all of them?
Riley: Fire, Evelyn, I used fire. Like I said, I can never go back there.
Evelyn: I've got to admit, Riles, I'm a little afraid to ask what came next.
Riley: Pet sitting.
Evelyn: Jesus Christ on a cracker, Riley, tell me you didn't.
Riley: Okay. I won't tell you.
Evelyn: [Dread] And after that?
Riley: Babysitting.
Evelyn: Riley, no!
Riley: There were never any fatalities! [under their breath] for the babysitting, at least.
Evelyn: Why do people even hire ghouls for jobs like that?
Riley: Hey, that's a fucked up thing to say, Evelyn. A lot of ghouls are perfectly responsible around animals and kids - I just don't happen to be one of those ghouls.
Evelyn: Are we done? Cause I feel done.
Riley: My last job after that was filling in online surveys for money.
Evelyn: Wait, people pay you for that?
Riley: Hell yeah, data mining is the new gold rush. If knowledge is power, then The Zucc is like a scary Aztec God.
Evelyn: How did you get fired from that one?
Riley: Apparently, my answers weren't representative of the general public. Their ban-hammer email used the words “anomalous” and “frightening.”
Evelyn: Have you ever tried getting, you know, a real job? Like part time work at a store or something?
Riley: [sigh] Believe me, Ev, I would if I could.
Evelyn: I don't want to be a jerk but like, why can't you?
Riley: The job market is insanely ableist. Most full and part time jobs are designed for neurotypical and able-bodied people without chronic illnesses who can reach a certain degree of productivity. The rest of us get forced into freelance work and the gig economy cause we need the flexibility.
Evelyn: Huh, I guess I'd never thought about it like that.
Riley: It’s cause a lot of people are literally trained by our culture not to think like that. People’s personal value gets defined by how traditionally productive they are. Me? I'm diagnosed with Aspergers, BPD, and OCD - that's on my medical records, any employer can see that, and doors close. I'm not saying I wouldn't somehow fuck up an interview with my shitty social skills, I'm just saying, I'd like to have the opportunity to fuck up the interview.
Evelyn: I feel like I was kind of a jerk for asking now.
Riley: You’re fine. You died in, what, 2004? Nobody was talking about this stuff back then. Hell, we’re not even really talking about it now.
Evelyn: I'd offer to get a job, but I don't think ghosts make very good employees.
Riley: No shame in existing outside the system, Evelyn. We just need to figure out a way to survive this.
Evelyn: Well, if we’re not gonna make any money, maybe we could focus on saving money?
Riley: Hey, that's not a bad idea, Ev. There's gotta be some things we could cut back on.
Evelyn: I guess we could always cancel Spotify Premium?
Riley: Yeah, that works!
SOUND: Riley types and clicks.
Riley: I mean, how bad can the ads really be?
SOUND: Spotify Pre-Ad Background Music plays behind narration.
Spotify Ad Voice: To enjoy half an hour of free music, just sit through this short ad.
Riley: Yeah. This isn't so bad at all. This’ll save us like ten bucks a month!
Evelyn: Yay! We’re Money-Smart!
SOUND: Todd’s Twee Guitar Music Plays.
Todd: Hey everybody, Todd here. Just telling you that - in spite of what you may have heard on any sloppily-produced podcasts - there's never been a better time to sign up for Todd’s Heaven!
Riley: ABORT! ABORT!
Evelyn: Make him go away!
SOUND: Click. Silence.
Riley: Okay, so, I'm turning our problem dial back to “super-fucked.”
[WEIRD AD TIME]
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SOUND: A Silent Hill-style air raid siren. The tone becomes a little more sinister.
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SOUND: Radio static cuts in.
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SOUND: Creepy childish giggle.
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SOUND: Cash register cha-ching.
Cheerful Narrator: Head on down to Sleepy Mountains Resort Town. Technically, you’re already here!
SOUND: The voice bleeds out into radio static.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Riley: So what if I only drink on some days? It’s not like I need constant hydration, right?
Evelyn: I mean, you kinda do, Riles. It’s one of the things you need to live.
Riley: It’s pretty rich for you to give me advice on staying alive, Ev.
Evelyn: Don’t shoot the messenger, okay? It’ll literally go right through me.
Riley: [groans] I’ve got two hundred dollars in my Paypal, and unless we make a patreon, or someone offers me a book deal for my fantasy novel, we’re doomed. I’ll have to eat my parents to survive.
Evelyn: Sometimes, I just feel like you're looking for an excuse to do that.
Riley: Preventing starvation is a pretty good excuse.
Evelyn: Maybe we just need some help?
Riley: From who? The magical cash fairy of handout island?
Evelyn: No, like an accountant.
Riley: The money we’d spend on that accountant would leave us with no money to account for.
Evelyn: Are there free accountants on the internet, maybe?
Riley: Nothing on the internet is free except racism and getting emotionally abused by strangers.
Evelyn: Dang it.
[BEAT.]
Evelyn: Hmmm. What if...we get a ghost accountant?
Riley: A...ghost accountant?
Evelyn: Yeah, I could try to summon one!
Riley: Can you do that? Is that a thing you’re capable of?
Evelyn: I’m not sure, but trying can’t hurt, right?
Riley: I mean, I guess not. How’d you wanna do it?
Evelyn: Maybe I should just yell and we’ll see if anyone answers?
Riley: Sure, fuck it, why not. Do your thing, Ev.
SOUND: Swirling wind. Evelyn clears her throat.
Evelyn: Uh, hey, are there any ghosts who are good with money out there?
Riley: Maybe a little louder.
Evelyn: [louder] Uhhh…
Riley: And more confident.
Evelyn: [snapping] Nobody likes a back-seat ghost summoner, Riley!
Riley: Okay, sorry, sorry.
Evelyn: [clears throat, then speaks in a loud, demonic voice] SPIRITS OF MONEY AND FINANCE, I INVOKE YOU TO COME TO OUR AID!
SOUND: Thunder cracks.
Evelyn: How was that?
Riley: [amazed] Holy fucking shit.
SOUND: Loud rumbling.
Riley: Something’s happening!
Evelyn: Oh wow, I can’t believe that worked!
Riley: I wonder who we’re gonna get? Marx? Steve Jobs? John D. Rockerfeller?
SOUND: The opening bars of a raucous sea shanty begin to echo out through the rumbling.
Evelyn: Uh, Riley, what’s that music?
Riley: I don’t know, but I’m not feeling good about it.
SOUND: WOOSH! The sea shanty blasts at full volume, as legendary pirate Blackbeard appears.
Blackbeard: Ahoy, maties! Little birdie told me yer having trouble with yer treasure?
SOUND: Blackbeard’s parrot squawks.
Parrot: Trouble with ya treasure!
Blackbeard: Quiet, Montague, Daddy’s talking business.
Riley: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.
Blackbeard: The name’s Edward Teach, Captain of the Queen Anne’s Revenge. I’ve looted and pilfered and pillaged across all the Seven Seas. I heard ye call out for an expert, and when it comes to managing booty, there’s no greater expert than I.
Evelyn: Your beard is on fire, Mr. Teach.
Blackbeard: Yargh, I’m aware. I do it on purpose.
Riley: [mentally exhausted] So you’re Blackbeard?
Blackbeard: Aye, so my reputation precedes me?
Riley: Yeah, but more as a pirate than a financial expert.
SOUND: The parrot squawks.
Blackbeard: Montague’s right: What you don’t understand is that, to be a pirate captain, you need to be a financial expert.
Riley: I’m sure, for your time, that was true - but these days we don’t bury our savings.
Blackbeard: You realise we never actually did that either, right?
Riley: My point still stands.
Evelyn: Come on, Riley, we might as well hear him out. He came all the way here to give us advice.
Blackbeard: Aye, the lassie is right. Don't ye at least want to hear what I've got to say to ya?
Riley: Fine! So we’re almost broke, how can we change that, Blackbeard?
SOUND: Blackbeard gives a throaty pirate laugh.
Blackbeard: Well, it’s a multi-tiered process. The key is having dependable savings and always keeping your mind on the future. If yer employed, you need to get yourself a 401K and start saving for retirement. Also, if ye plan on playing the stock market, diversify yer investment portfolio and avoid crypto - it’s too unreliable, not to mention terrible for the environment.
[BEAT.]
Riley: Okay. I’ve gotta admit, I didn’t expect that.
Evelyn: How do you know all this, Captain Teach?
Blackbeard: When you manage a business, the onus is on ye to know the ins and outs of finances. In other words: You best start believing in economies, kids, you’re in one!
Riley: I feel like this is good advice, but it’s intended for people who’re already in a better position than we are.
Blackbeard: Fine, call me back when you’re really raking in the doubloons.
Evelyn: Thanks for your help, Captain.
Blackbeard: Don’t mention it. We pirates are notoriously generous and big-hearted people.
SOUND: Parrot squawks. WOOSH! Blackbeard disappears.
Riley: Well, that’s another name to add to the show notes. But we’re still broke.
Evelyn: I’ve got one more idea.
Riley: We start a private Snapchat?
Evelyn: I don’t know what that is, Riley.
Riley: Just tell me the idea.
Evelyn: What if you just speak to your parents?
Riley: No. Out of the question. I’m still freezing them out for their indiscretions.
Evelyn: Come on, Riles. I know your mom is terrifying, but can we maybe speak to your dad?
Riley: Dad’s a total pushover. He probably apologises to my mom after he ejaculates.
Evelyn: First of all, ew, Riley. Second, won’t his pushoveryness make it even easier for us to convince him to see it our way?
Riley: [groans] Ugh. Okay. Fine. I’ll call him down.
Evelyn: Yay! Progress!
Riley: [calling] Dad? Can you come down here for a minute?
SOUND: Footsteps down the stairs, then the basement door opens.
Teddy: Hey, Rie-Rie. Are you recording your little radio show?
Riley: Yeah, but you can still come in. [to the mic] Listeners, this is my dad - Teddy Almanzor.
Evelyn: Hi Mr. Almanzor!
Riley: Ev, he can’t hear you, and he thinks you don’t exist. We’ve been over this.
Evelyn: I know, but it’s the polite thing to do, Riley.
Riley: [sighs] Evelyn says hi.
Teddy: Hi, Emily, so nice to see you again.
[BEAT.]
Evelyn: He’s waving at a totally different part of the room. Well, at least he’s trying.
Teddy: What was it you wanted to talk to me about?
Riley: You and Carmen cutting me off.
Teddy: Riley, we talked about this, don’t call your mother by her first name.
Riley: You’re burying the lede here. Look, I learned my lesson. Can I at least buy food for myself again?
Teddy: Riley, you can’t just blow money on things willy-nilly and expect no oversight. I mean, a Middle-Aged Tree Men playset!? You’re an adult, and that show was way before your time!
SOUND: Evelyn laughs nervously.
Riley: I’m open to negotiation here.
Teddy: Okay, that’s a big step.
Riley: What can I do to get an allowance again?
Teddy: Riley…
Riley: Come on, I’m trying to meet you halfway here, Dad.
Teddy: Well, maybe if you did more chores around the house, your mother and I could give you some allowance in exchange.
Riley: What kind of chores?
Teddy: Cleaning around the house, catching or digging up dinner, maybe also bathing occasionally.
Riley: Is that last one a chore?
Teddy: No, but it would make things easier for all of us. I know we’re ghouls, but still. There's gotta be some standards, you know?
Riley: There was a talking zombie head in the medicine cabinet for weeks.
Teddy: Of course there is, sweetie.
Riley: So if I do chores, I can have money again?
Teddy: I’d have to speak to your mother about it…
Riley: Of course.
Teddy: But yeah, I think that arrangement should work. I’m glad to see you taking responsibility.
Evelyn: Wow, it actually looks like we solved this problem. We’ve got a happy ending here, folks!
Riley: I guess that can happen, occasionally. I’m not complaining.
Teddy: Uh, who are you talking to, Rie-Rie?
Riley: My financial advisor.
Teddy: Awww. I'm glad she’s helping you be a little more responsible with your money. I’m so proud of--
Riley: Okay, you can leave now.
SOUND: Footsteps as Teddy leaves.
Teddy: Alrighty! Love you, sweetie! Let me know if you want any snacks down here, I'm making mice crispy treats!
Riley: Close the door behind you, please.
Teddy: Okay!
SOUND: The door does not close.
Riley: [sighs] Every time. Evelyn, can you say goodbye to the listeners? I’m gonna go close that door.
Evelyn: Will do! Goodnight! Thanks for listening! Amazon underpays their workers!
Riley: [from across the room] See ya later, everybody. Riley and Ev OUT.
SOUND: Click.
[THE END]