Episode 107: You Will Not Get This Episode

Riley’s attempt to host a more orderly episode of the podcast falls apart when their guest - family friend, weird artist, and fellow ghoul, Shaz - gets disastrously high in order to see and hear Evelyn.

+ Transcript

Riley: Okay, so I’ve got a theory.

Evelyn: Oh no, not again.

Riley: You know why our podcast always goes off the rails?

Evelyn: Why?

Riley: We never write down our talking points.

Evelyn: I kind of like the loose, freeform conversations we have on this show.

Riley: Okay, but you're wrong, and my way is infinitely better.

SOUND: Papers shuffling.

Riley: I want this to be a serious endeavour, you know.

Evelyn: I do know, yes. You say it a lot.

Riley: Because, despite what you may believe, podcasting is a serious medium. The listeners are coming here to get information. They want to know what's what, and they rely on us to tell them the truth about what's really going on - like how McDonalds is putting Monsanto seeds on their buns to make us more suggestible to advertising. That one’s for free.

Evelyn: I thought the listeners came here to feel like we're their friends and we're all hanging out together.

Riley: No. So listen, I've got a family friend coming in as a guest today, they're involved in a big art exhibition that I thought they'd like to come in and talk about.

Evelyn: That sounds fun! [Beat] Hey, don't roll your eyes at me! And don't give me that look.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Your eyes just radiate...judgey...ness. Please blink.

SOUND: Comically loud, squishy blink noise.

Riley: There, are you happy?

Evelyn: I feel a little less unsettled now, yes.

Riley: So, before we do the intro, can I run these questions by you?

Evelyn: What kind of co-host would I be if I said no?

Riley: I'm gonna ask them about their artistic influences.

Evelyn: Sure.

Riley: I'm gonna ask them how they choose the objects they use in their artwork.

Evelyn: Right.

Riley: And I'm gonna ask them what other things they do for fun, because the people at home might care about that for some reason.

Evelyn: That's three things you're gonna ask them.

Riley: I know this guest well: trust me, they can easily talk for 45 minutes about three things. They once held a two hour conversation about the themes of sexual repression in the Toy Story movies - so I figured we could definitely get them to go off about something that actually matters.

Evelyn: Very smart of you.

Riley: It is, thank you for noticing. Now that we've done that, we sh-

SOUND: ABRUPT CUT TO INTRO MUSIC

Riley: -ould do the intro. [They take a breath] Welcome to Less is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, and I'm a raw spaghetti apologist.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn. I haven't eaten spaghetti in 16 years because I'm dead.

Riley: Our guest this week is a mixed-media artist involved in a touring installation that's gonna be in town for the next week and a half. It's called You Probably Won't Understand This, and it's a collaborative effort bringing together creatives from 12 countries, 8 species, and 5 dimensions.

Evelyn: Oooh, what country, species, and dimension, respectively, is our guest from?

Riley: 3rd, ghoul, and Australia.

Evelyn: Did you mean to answer in that order?

Riley: Absolutely. Everything I've ever done is intentional.

Evelyn: Not gonna touch that.

Riley: I should warn you ahead of time- they’re a very full-on person to be around. I’ve been to extended family barbecues where other guests have had to tag team to get through conversations with them.

Evelyn: We’ve met a lot of people who could be called full-on in a lot of ways. Can you be more specific?

Riley: Well, you know artists, Ev. Real artists like Shaz and me, we’re intense.

SOUND: Riley blows air as if taking a drag off a cigarette

Evelyn: Are you trying to smoke that pen?

Riley: Shh! The listeners don’t know that. (grumbling) It was for effect…

SOUND: Soft sound of plastic cracking. Riley spits.

Riley: Aw, fuck, I’ve got ink all over my mouth now. I’ll smear it around so it looks like lipstick.

Evelyn: No one’s gonna buy that that black smear is lipstick, Riley. You look like you ate a printer cartridge.

Riley: If I appear confident enough, people won’t question it.

SOUND: Two sets of footsteps upstairs, one in heels. Carmen says something.

Shaz: Yes, it is.

SOUND: Carmen noises

Shaz: No, I haven’t been fired, because nobody fires you for getting new piercings.

SOUND: Carmen noises

Shaz: Well I don’t, I work for a creative branding company and we all dress like this, so… Where’s Riley?

SOUND: Carmen noises

Shaz: Gracias.

SOUND: footsteps approaching the basement

Riley: (bracing themselves) Oh lord, they’re coming.

SOUND: Shaz opening the door

Shaz: Play me in.

Riley: Just come down the stairs.

SOUND: The door slams, then opens again.

Shaz: Just play me in.

Riley: This is my basement, not Letterman!

SOUND: The door slams, then opens again. Riley groans.

Shaz: Riley I see the keyboard! Fucking play me in, coward!

Riley: (To Evelyn) Do you see what I mean? Just...just bear with me for a second.

SOUND: Riley walks over to their cheap electric keyboard and hits the same note a bunch of times over and over. Shaz opens the door and slams it behind them before going down the stairs.

Riley: Stop waving, there’s no audience.

Shaz: You don’t know that.

Riley: I do. I checked.

SOUND: Thump; a bookshelf rattles slightly. Riley sighs.

Shaz: Tell then what I did.

Riley: No.

Shaz: Tell them!

Riley: [Sighs; Frustrated] They did a balletic dismount off the bottom step.

Shaz: And I dabbed. Three times. Really fast.

SOUND: crinkling swishing fabric noises

Shaz: I did it again. Oh, I love that black lipstick on you, Riley.

Riley: It was intentional.

[BEAT]

Shaz: So I see your mum’s as charming as ever.

Riley: Well, you’re not crying and your eyes aren’t bleeding, so it went about as well as you could hope. How’s the family?

Shaz: They’re alive.

Riley: I’m sorry.

Shaz: Not everyone has the same family dynamic as you, Ri-Ri.

Riley: How about you just introduce yourself to the listeners? I can already feel them writing a two-star review.

Evelyn: What’s the extra star for?

Riley: My Mom rates well for some reason.

Evelyn: Probably fear.

Riley: People say they like her better than me. I hope she never finds out, because if she does it’ll just give her another reason to be disappointed.

Evelyn: At least you know she doesn’t listen to the podcast.

Riley: Knowing my luck, she’ll start as soon as this episode’s up.

Shaz: Hey, hey, um, excuse me, I’m feeling left out here.

Riley: Sorry, you’re just gonna have to get used to it. Introduce yourself.

Shaz: Fine, rude. (they clear their throat) My name is Shannon Nagore Martinez Arcuni, that’s long for Shaz, and I am a Libra-Scorpio cusp, Pisces moon, rising Taurus, if anyone listening at home is single and interested.

Riley: They aren’t.

Shaz: They might be.

Riley: They aren’t.

[BEAT]

Shaz: Anyway, fact- I’m an artist. Second fact- today I found a severed foot on the beach. Third fact - I’m an icon and you’re blessed for having me here. Riley, Evelyn...are we ready to fucking do this?

Riley: You can’t talk to Evelyn.

Shaz: Yet.

SOUND: Shaz opens up their backpack and takes out a cocktail shaker.

Riley: What are you doing with that cocktail shaker?

Shaz: Being a considerate podcast guest, actually. Continue the interview.

Riley: Uh...okay, so- You’re in town because you're involved in the touring exhibition You Probably Won't Understand This right now, correct?

SOUND: the sounds of Shaz pouring things into the cocktail shaker and shaking them, which continue throughout the conversation.

Shaz: Yup. I had to pay for my own airfare, which sucks, because I also had to take time off my day job for this, but I feel like it’s still gonna be worth it for the exposure. And I think I’ve scavenged enough antique jewelry on this trip to make up for it. Turns out Americans really love being buried with their valuables.

SOUND: Gap in conversation, punctuated by drink mixing noises.

Riley: And you’re -

Shaz: It’s fine, just pretend I’m not doing this.

Riley: That’s a huge ask.

Shaz: Just do it, it’s fine.

Riley: Um...okay… So, you wanna tell the listeners a little about what you’ve contributed to the-

SOUND: Particularly loud shake of the cocktail shaker.

Riley: Can you stop?

Shaz: I’m finished, anyway.

SOUND: They slam it down on the desk.

Riley: What the hell is that, anyway?

Shaz: It’s a Louisiana Clam Slammer, with a personal twist- I keep the vodka and tobasco, but instead of celery, I use shrooms, instead of a lemon wedge, I use a tab of acid, and instead of clam juice I use 300 mL of NyQuil. And then just a pinch of Lush’s ‘French Kiss’, just to take the edge off a little.

Evelyn: What’s that, some kind of fancy cream cheese?

Riley: No, it’s bubble soap.

Evelyn: Ohhhh, okay, so you’re all like this.

SOUND: Shaz skulls the drink straight from the shaker.

Riley: Great, we’ve only made 8 episodes and somehow this is the third guest to come on here under the influence. Really cool and classy of you to do that to me, Shannon.

Shaz: Thanks, it is.

SOUND: Shaz burps.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Should we call a doctor? Their eyes are like...solid black right now and they’re sweating a whole bunch.

Shaz: I’m fine, that’s just the magic potion taking effect. This stuff works fast. It probably could’ve used more soap…

Riley: Wait...you can see Evelyn now?

Shaz: Yes. I made absolutely sure I would be able to. Because, unlike all of your other guests to this point, I went through the backlog of episodes, and familiarised myself with the lore.

Evelyn: Is it really lore if it’s just stuff that happens?

[Beat]

Shaz: Hi, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hi, Shaz.

Riley: You know you can get ghost-detecting cameras online, right? Or you could’ve brought a ouija board, or done literally anything else that didn’t involve (they drop their voice to a stage whisper like they’re worried their parents might hear) bringing drugs into my house.

Shaz: Every product that claims to give you ghost vision is a scam. The only tested and true way to enter the spirit realm is by either dying, or tripping balls. And come on, do you expect me to sit here while Evelyn spells out everything she wants to say? On this podcast? Where you canonically are unable to edit out dead air?

Evelyn: You really did do your research on the lore.

Riley: It’s not lore! This is real life, it’s just stuff that happened!

Shaz: Evelyn knows I’m right.

Riley: It doesn’t matter, you still recorded yourself doing drugs. You could’ve done that shit before you got here, it would’ve been less incriminating.

Shaz: You think I trust myself to get on the bus while I’m high?

Riley: You could’ve called a lyft.

Shaz: I don’t have the app.

Evelyn: Uber?

Shaz: They refuse to serve me.

Riley: Oh, did you try to take the face off of your driver to prove he was a reptilian, too?

Shaz: ...No, Riley, I just puked in too many of their cars and now I have a zero star rating.

[BEAT]

Riley: This episode is a total fuckshow already, I can feel it.

Evelyn: You’re being too hard on yourself, Riles. All serious interviews have some opening banter.

Riley: Evelyn. Look at our guest. Look at them.

Shaz: Guys, I don’t wanna alarm anyone but I think the floor just disappeared.

Riley: This fool doesn’t even know what planet they’re on. They’re in no state to be interviewed by anyone.

Evelyn: Well, maybe then we do this less as an interview and more as a casual conversation.

Riley: I wrote down questions, Evelyn. There are three whole questions on this piece of paper. (shouting) Shaz. Put the fake cactus down.

SOUND: plastic cactus being dropped onto the floor.

Riley: Now look at me. Look me in the eye.

Shaz: Which one?

[BEAT]

Shaz: No, I’m serious, you have like 14 and most of them aren’t on your face.

Riley: I’m trying to interview you right now and I’d really like it if you stopped derailing, because we’re working on limited time.

[BEAT]

Shaz: Hi Riley.

SOUND: Riley groans.

Riley: So, walk us- which is to say, me, Evelyn, and the listeners- through some of the work that you’ve contributed to the show. What’s your usual medium? What’s the creative process like for you?

Shaz: Well, first comes the conceptualisation stage. That’s when I gather my ideas from the ether, and drag them, kicking and screaming, into the meat of corporeality.

Riley: And...how do you do that, exactly?

[BEAT]

Shaz: Do you think washing machines can taste our clothes? Do you think they have soap preferences?

Riley: Do you wanna do this another time? When you’ve...I dunno, sweated this out?

Shaz: Do what?

SOUND: Riley groans.

Riley: [slowly, angry] I asked you how you conceptualise your concepts. And then you started to answer me, but then you asked me if washing machines can taste. Can you answer my fucking question?

Shaz: Oh, but of course. I get some ideas from my dreams, which I record using a dream camera.

Evelyn: Ooh, what’s that?

Shaz: It’s a device comprised of an empty loo roll, a kleenex box, glitter, and an assortment of holographic stickers. I put it in my mouth while I’m sleeping.

Evelyn: That sounds neat!

Shaz: I also find inspiration in the world around me. I take photos incessantly, of everything. I’ve taken 6 since I’ve been here.

SOUND: Phone camera shutter

Shaz: 7.

Riley: They’re all of your knees.

Shaz: Correct. Right now I’m inspired by my knees.

Evelyn: So, once you’ve got the idea, what do you do to psych yourself up to make it?

Shaz: A crucial part of my creative process is this new form of visualisation acupuncture that I invented, where I set my intention, I hold it in my mind’s eye, and then I spell the words ‘good art’ on my arm with thumbtacks.

Riley: I’m not even gonna lie... that’s metal as fuck.

Evelyn: How do you have enough space on your arm to do that?

Shaz: I am vast and my arms are thicc.

Riley: We can see that, but thanks for clarifying for the folks at home. (To Evelyn) You know, I think we’re salvaging this.

Evelyn: I’m glad you’re thinking positively!

Riley: Now, how did you actually get involved with the art collective-

Shaz: Hey Riley do you have a dog?

[BEAT]

Riley: God damn it I was so close.

Shaz: Riley. Do you have a dog or not?

Evelyn: They don’t.

Shaz: Oh, never mind, he’s gone now.

[BEAT]

Shaz: He melted.

Evelyn: Aw, that's a shame.

Shaz: Can you see any of this shit I'm seeing right now? Is this stuff that's going on on the astral plane?

Evelyn: No, I think they’re just hallucinations. But I like the idea of being able to see a dog, and I'm happy that you got to see one.

Riley: Stop encouraging them! You're an enabler!

Shaz: Hi Riley.

Riley: Can you let me finish my question now?

Shaz: Yes.

Riley: How did you get involved with-

Shaz: If the ceiling suddenly lowered down onto us I think I could phase through it because I can control my atoms.

Riley: SHAZ.

Evelyn: Well I know for a fact that I’d be able to do that, but I dunno if you can actually control your atoms.

Riley: EVELYN!

Shaz: Riley, can you stop fucking yelling? Every time you raise your voice your aura pulses a horrible shade of neon orange and it’s hurting my eyes.

SOUND: Riley slams their head on the desk.

Riley: I want to kill everyone in this room.

SOUND: They sit up.

Riley: Shaz, please, for the love of Ghoul Jesus, how did you get involved with the collective that put together this exhibition?

[BEAT]

Riley: Stop staring at your hand and answer me!

Shaz: Oh cool, the dog's back!

Evelyn: Ooh, yay! Describe him for me.

Shaz: Blue, with many shifting eyes.

Evelyn: Cute!

SOUND: Riley pushes back their chair and stands up.

Evelyn: Where are you going?

Riley: Upstairs.

Evelyn: Why?

Riley: You've usurped me, you've made me out to be a fool, so I'm going to go to the store and get myself a coke.

Evelyn: Aw, c'mon, you don't have to-

Riley: Yes I do. Yes I absolutely do.

Shaz: C'mon, Rye-Rye, stop being such an audio nazi and fucking engage with us on this show.

Riley: This is your fault! Don't turn this back on me like I came in here high off my tits, talking about spectral dogs!

SOUND: Shaz says something to Riley in ghoul speech and Riley responds. They have a very short but very aggressive argument with each other that culminates in them making agitated hyena noises at each other before Riley storms off.

Evelyn: Was that an argument or is ghoul just one of those languages that always sounds angry?

Shaz: We were definitely arguing.

Evelyn: What did they say to you?

Shaz: If you were meant to know, we would've said it in English.

SOUND: The door slamming upstairs. Carmen makes noises.

Riley: (through the door) No, mom, they haven’t left yet.

SOUND: Carmen noises.

Riley: Go buy your own damn eggs!

SOUND: The front door opens and closes upstairs.

Evelyn: So...how do you know Riley’s family?

Shaz: My older brother is married to Carmen’s niece.

Evelyn: Huh. What’s she like? Your sister in law, I mean. Is she-?

Shaz: -the kind of person who asks to speak to the manager, and then stabs the manager with a bowie knife? Yes. Absolutely.

Evelyn: Yikes!

Shaz: You know, Evelyn, I’m glad we’re getting some one-on-one time. Because, between you and me, and the listeners, I’m not good with group conversations.

Evelyn: I never would’ve guessed that about you. You seem very comfortable.

Shaz: Thank you, it’s because of the drugs. Which, incidentally I mainly took because I knew if you and Riley started talking a bunch and I couldn’t hear both sides of the conversation I’d absolutely McFucking lose it.

Evelyn: Fair enough. It is kind of confusing when I can’t talk to the guests, anyway. So, how do you wanna continue this?

Shaz: Riley made reference to some notes or something.

Evelyn: They took them with them, I think. But I think you answered most of the things they wanted you to.

Shaz: Cool. Let’s just keep it fun and flirty, loosey-goosey, off-script, off-road, doors plus no fuss.

Evelyn: I feel like I just had a stroke.

[BEAT]

Shaz: I really wanna go ask the washing machine what soap he thinks tastes the best, but before I do that I should plug my shit.

Evelyn: We can wait until the end to do that.

Shaz: No, I’ll forget. I'll write down my website so you can link to it in the shownotes.

SOUND: Shaz starts drawing.

Evelyn: This is a picture of a snail, Shaz.

Shaz: Ask him the URL and he'll tell you.

[BEAT]

Shaz: Hi, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hi Shaz.

SOUND: Shaz crumples up the paper.

Evelyn: What are you doing?

Shaz: I don't know.

Evelyn: You're eating the snail drawing.

Shaz: [with their mouth full] He told me to.

SOUND: They swallow.

Shaz: Do you like art, Evelyn?

Evelyn: Some of it, yeah. I took a few art history electives in college. I like modern art, mostly- Frida Kahlo, Barbara Kruger- I like surrealism, too. I used to have a poster of Magritte’s Son of Man up in my bedroom. I’m not familiar with contemporary work, though. Your kind of art seems a little out-there compared to the stuff I’m familiar with.

Shaz: That’s fine, not everyone can be as cool as me. One moment, please.

SOUND: Shaz stands up and walks over to the washing machine.

Shaz: Oh, you know what I wanna ask already? (pause) I’m not too loud, fuck you.

Evelyn: Listeners… Shaz is talking to the washing machine.

Shaz: (to the washing machine) Okay, yeah go for it.

SOUND: Shaz leaves a pause as if listening, then starts laughing hysterically.

Evelyn: Are you okay?

Shaz: [wheezing] She- can I tell Evelyn? She told me a joke- What does-

SOUND: They start laughing again.

Shaz: Nevermind, nevermind, I’ll tell you later.

Evelyn: Note to self- never say anything funny in front of Shaz.

Shaz: Did you say something?

Evelyn: No.

SOUND: Shaz sits back down.

Shaz: She says Tide tastes the best.

Evelyn: That would be good to know if I could do laundry.

[LONG PAUSE]

Shaz: Hi Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hi Shaz.

Shaz: What day is it?

Evelyn: The same one.

Shaz: Cool, cool. Hey, to any kids listening- don't do drugs. Well, maybe do drugs, do some drugs, but know your limits, and....uh....fuck....know your.....

SOUND: Pause. Shaz's stomach gurgles loudly.

Evelyn: You okay there?

Shaz: I don't feel so crash hot, actually. That Louisiana Clam Slammer is coming back to get me. Where's the bathroom?

Evelyn: Over there.

Shaz: [Quickly] Yep, cool.

SOUND: They get up and run to the bathroom. They throw open the door.

Shaz: Hi pizza man ghost, I'm so sorry for what you're about to see and hear.

Jon: Oh god, not again--

SOUND: The door slams. There are faintly audible vomiting sound effects.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Aggressive, slightly sinister electronic music starts playing while a British man starts talking loudly.

Voice Over: You could be one of the lucky few to make millions in the draw this week on Fred Bet. Go to Fred Bet.com to make bets on Fred.

SOUND: Cash register noises.

Voice Over: Fred is 55, he's single, he's an IT consultant, and he lives in Knebworth with his dog, Susan. You wanna make bets on Fred?

SOUND: The sound of a poker machine.

Voice Over: You can make any bets you want on Fred.

Bet on when Fred's gonna wake up.

Bet on if Fred's gonna have a cheese toastie or a burger for lunch.

Bet on if Fred's gonna finally say hi to the lady he always sees at the post office on Thursday.

Bet on which bus he takes home.

Bet on how long Fred gets to keep his job before he gets sacked.

Bet on if Fred's doctor is gonna find out about the brain tumor fast enough to operate.

SOUND: Poker machine jackpot noises.

Voice Over: You can win millions every week from betting on Fred! Go to Fred Bet dot com and place your bets on Fred.

Everyone's a winner, except for Fred.

SOUND: The music stops.

Voice Over 2: Over 18's only. Please gamble responsibly, unless you've got loads of disposable income - then you can just go hog wild, because, whatever, it's your money, I guess.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: --And then he like does this effect to make the video slow down and go black and white, which is really cool. I really wish people could do Tik Toks of the whole song, though. I feel like you could make some really good content with like 3 minutes of TikTok time.

SOUND: Riley comes down the stairs, slurping a soda.

Evelyn: Oh, hey Riley! I was just filling the dead air until you got back. But I think we got another spectral commercial in there somewhere so I dunno if the listeners heard the whole thing. It was about Tik Tok. Have you seen that?

Riley: The Chinese government spyware app? Yes, I have. Has Shaz finally fucked off?

Evelyn: No, they're in the bathroom. They're not feeling well.

Riley: Karma, bitch.

SOUND: The bathroom door opens and Shaz comes back to their seat.

Shaz: So the bad news is, I'm sobering up, so Evelyn - you're kind of just a blob right now. Say something?

Evelyn: That sucks.

Shaz: Yeah no you sound like you're talking through a soup can on a string.

Riley: How long were you in the bathroom?

Shaz: Longer than I expected. It ended up being kind of a three-hole situation.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Wh....what's the third hole?

Shaz: ...My mouth. What did you think it was?

Evelyn: I don't know.

Riley: Did you shit and puke out all the stupid, finally?

Shaz: Kind of. You missed a really good conversation. Totally loose and fun and flirty and fun and chill. Off-script, off-book, off-road...you get the idea.

Riley: I don’t.

Evelyn: We did have a really cool little conversation, though.

Riley: Well, I'll get to listen to it before we upload.

SOUND: They sit down.

Shaz: I hope you get a chance to come down and see the exhibit. I think you'll like it.

Riley: Yeah, I think I will.

Evelyn: Did that walk to the 7-11 do you some good?

Riley: Yeah, it did. Sometimes I just need some alone time.

SOUND: They slurp their coke.

Shaz: Evelyn's starting to fade a little.

Evelyn: Oh no!

Shaz: We've had a good time, though.

Evelyn: We did, and I'm sad Riley missed out on it.

Riley: I think it was for the best.

Shaz: Oh no, you're like full blurry now, you're like Gaussian Blurred to fuck. That's a little artist joke, for all you photoshop users.

Evelyn: Bye, Shaz.

Shaz: Bye, Evelyn.

[PAUSE]

Shaz: So I guess I'll go.

Riley: Yeah, it feels like it's about time. Sorry I said all that mean stuff about your mom.

Shaz: It's fine, I guarantee all of six listeners will have understood it, so we'll just pretend that argument didn't happen.

Riley: So, do you wanna-

SOUND: Shaz burps extremely loudly.

Shaz: Oh boy- kids, don't mix cough syrup with alcohol, and don’t mix that mix with other drugs. I feel like shit.

Riley: On that note, get out of my house.

Shaz: It was lovely speaking to you both.

Evelyn: Likewise!

Riley: Evelyn says she enjoyed talking to you.

Shaz: Me too.

SOUND: Shaz leaves.

Riley: Alright, so I better listen to what I missed out on. Speak to you all soon-

SOUND: Audio cuts.

Riley: Really gotta hand it to you, Ev- you're like the crazy person whisperer. It never ceases to amaze me how you can just wrangle these guests that I would've thought were impossible to get through to.

Evelyn: Yeah, when you talk to people on their level it's really not hard.

Riley: I don't get what you mean.

Evelyn: You know, just talk to them on their level. Like...don't yell at them, basically.

Riley: [clearly not on board] Well, maybe.

SOUND: Furious knocking, Carmen noises.

Riley: Hold on- They what?

SOUND: The door opens. More, less muffled Carmen noises. Riley sighs.

Riley: Evelyn, can you sign off for me? Shaz puked in the front hallway. I need to get a mop and bucket before the stain eats through the floorboards and into the foundation.

SOUND: Carmen noises

Riley: Ah, fuck, the eggs! I knew I was forgetting something!

[END OF EPISODE]