Episode 203: The Rattening
Riley realises a rat has infiltrated the bathroom and attempts to catch it. Evelyn tries to have it humanely disposed of by a pair of ancient and powerful Cockney pest controllers who end up being more of a problem than they bargained for.
+transcript
SOUND: Scuffling, a plastic clunk of a bucket on the ground.
Evelyn: Riley, what are you doing?
Riley: [perturbed] I saw it somewhere around here.
Evelyn: Saw what? What are you looking for?
Riley: There’s a rat in the basement.
Evelyn: Aww cute!
Riley: Don’t get attached, Ev - when I catch it, I’m putting it in a sandwich.
Evelyn: No, don’t hurt it! [Beat] Uhhh, Riley, are we recording?
Riley: [distracted] Nah, I don’t think so.
Evelyn: Okay, so there’s a rat in the basement, what are you gonna do?
Riley: I'm gonna fix that rat, that's what I'm gonna do.
SOUND: A small squeak and scuttle of small paws.
Evelyn: Aww, he is cute!
Riley: Ev, he’s probably riddled with diseases.
Evelyn: And yet you want to eat him?
Riley: To hide the evidence - if my parents find out I’ve brought pests into the house they’ll try and evict me again. And the mandatory family counselling sessions are bad enough! Now, hold still, little guy.
SOUND: Riley pounces and clatters to the floor, small paws scuttling away.
Evelyn: Did that hurt?
Riley: Only my pride. And my shins.
Evelyn: We could just leave him to do his thing. I mean, he’s not hurting anyone.
Riley: He’s hurting me, Ev - listen!
SOUND: A short, awkward pause followed by a small growl of Riley’s stomach.
Riley: See?
Evelyn: Riley, you know I support you, but if you eat that rat I will keep you up all night singing Nickleback’s Greatest Hits.
Riley: You wouldn’t…
Evelyn: [singing, loudly] LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH -
Riley: ENOUGH OF THIS! Fine, what do you suggest?
Evelyn: Why don’t we call pest control?
Riley: Because this basement has an unusually high mortality rate? Most of the corporeal beings who set foot in here end up as severed heads, wandering spirits, or in my toilet - or some combination of all three.
Evelyn: If I still had a stomach, I’d be sick right now. But I still think we should call a professional.
Riley: [annoyed] Let’s see who’s local.
SOUND: Tapping on laptop.
Riley: ‘Katch It With Kratchit’, how about this guy? His reviews are...wow, that is a lot of stars.
Evelyn: I didn’t know they let reviewers give more than five.
Riley: The reviews are probably all his dummy accounts, let’s see how he holds up in-person.
SOUND: Phone dialling noises. A squeak and scuttle.
Riley: There you are, you little bastard!
SOUND: A crash as Riley yeets themselves across the room. Phone continues ringing.
Wackford Kratchit: [over phone line] ‘Ello, Katch it with Kratchit.
Evelyn: Uhhh...hi, sorry can you hear me?
Wackford Kratchit: ‘Course I can, luv. What can I do ya for?
Riley: [from the floor] The fuck is that accent?
Evelyn: We’ve got a rat in our basement and -
Wackford Kratchit: Just one rat? Not a colony ‘a rats? Not a family ‘a rats? Not even two rats? Just the one?
Evelyn: Uh, yes?
Wackford Kratchit: Perfek, I’ll clock off for an early lunch afterwards. 247 Mayhem Way, yes? Just got to finish up anuvva job, an’ I’ll be there any second.
Evelyn: Any second, are you sure?
Wackford Kratchit: That’s a near-perfect rough estimate.
Evelyn: Good, because this is an emergency, my roommate wants to eat the rat, and I’d rather we didn’t hurt the little guy and just got him out of here safely.
Wackford Kratchit: Don’t you worry, miss - he’ll be sippin’ a pina colada in Barbados before you can say Oliver Twist.
SOUND: Dial tone.
Evelyn: Wait, how did he know our address?
SOUND: Riley pulls out a chair and slumps down.
Evelyn: No luck?
Riley: [clearly pissed] Nope.
Evelyn: Well, you tried. Might as well give up and leave it up to the professionals.
Riley: You’re forgetting the Riley Almanzor credo, Ev: ignore the odds, expose the truth and -
Evelyn: Never quit while you’re ahead?
Riley: Exactly! I’m gonna go and get bait.
Evelyn: Isn’t that a waste of food? You love food!
Riley: [getting distant] It’s all going to the same place, and that place is in me - if anything, putting the cheese in the rat makes the process more efficient.
SOUND: Dashing footsteps up the stairs and the slamming of a door.
Evelyn: Ah, beans - their tactics are evolving.
SOUND: Small squeak as rat crawls onto table.
Evelyn: Don’t worry, little guy, I’ll make sure you’re taken out of here humanely. But Kratchit’s taking too long, we need reinforcements. Let’s see here, this guy’s reviews say ‘he responds so fast, he gets to you before you’ve even called’.
Bob Sketter: [abrupt] ‘Allo.
Evelyn: [yelps]
Bob Sketter: Sorry ta startle ya there, missus. Bob Sketter the Rat Getter, at ya service. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, miss…?
Evelyn: Um, I’m Evelyn - also, hold up, how did you get here? And how can you see me?
Bob Sketter: You must be an o’phan, miss!
Evelyn: No, my parents are...wait...I don’t actually know, I haven’t seen them in seventeen years and [beat] wow, that’s really sad.
Bob Sketter: Um, well I see dead o’phans and sometimes they grant me wishes.
Evelyn: Why?
Bob Sketter: What are you, a fuckin bobby?
Evelyn: What?
Bob Sketter: Right, no good stood ‘ere chin-waggin’, let’s see the damage.
SOUND: Footsteps.
Bob Sketter: Blimey, you’ve had some cowboys in ‘ere. It's lucky you called me when you did, luv or this could have ran up some real costs.
Evelyn: This isn’t my house, Riley will pay you with [awkwardly attempting to lie]...the money...that they have...from their...job...that they do...at the...bank?
Bob Sketter: [confused] That is usually the essence of the arrangement, luv. ‘Ere, stick the kettle on will ya? I'm spittin' fevvers 'ere.
Evelyn: You’re not gonna hurt him, are you? Because I will not tolerate animal abuse in this basement.
Bob Sketter: Rest easy, sunshine, I’m the Rat Getter (beat) I just like ta...hold them.
Evelyn: Well, that’s unsettling but...okay.
Bob Sketter: Where’s this bloody rat, then?
SOUND: Door opening.
Wackford Kratchit: I'm lookin' at 'im.
Bob Sketter: Those a’ fightin' words, ya gruel-suckin' todger!
Wackford Kratchit: Yo u’re one to talk, ya smog-huffin’ wrong’un.
Evelyn: Wait, you two know each other?
Wackford Kratchit: Un-for-chu-nately, this town is big enough for the two of us.
Evelyn: Tallahassee is a pretty big city, it’s not that weird for it to have more than one pest guy.
Bob Sketter: It is when they’re two pest blokes like us, luv.
Wackford Kratchit: As much as I hate to agree with this plonker, that’s right. We’ve been catching rats since before there were rats.
Evelyn: How?
Wackford Kratchit: [dropping accent] Don’t think about it.
Bob Sketter: We’ve controlled the sorts ‘a pests you wouldn’t believe, in worlds long before the dawn of this one.
Wackford Kratchit: They don’t tell ya this, but pest-controllin’ isn’t just a job.
Bob Sketter: It’s a callin’.
Wackford Kratchit: It’s a way ‘a life.
Bob Sketter: It’s part ‘a yer soul, like your eye cullah.
Wackford Kratchit: Or the size ‘a your cock.
Bob Sketter: And that, Kratchit, is why you’re half the pest controller I am - [quieter, but with intensity] and you got ‘alf the cock to match.
Wackford Kratchit: Shut your arse, you shrub-dodging buntyman.
Bob Sketter: Why don’t you come over ‘ere and try shuttin’ it for me, you-
Evelyn: Guys, we don't have time, a rat's life is on the line and we need to get him out of here before-
SOUND: Riley re-enters.
Riley: [continuous] We didn't have any cheese so I had to run to the 7-11 and also who the fuck are these Dickensian dickheads?
Evelyn: [screaming in horror] Oh no, Riley’s back - you two, stop calling each other strange England words and save the rat from their jaws of death!
Riley: THERE WILL BE NO ESCAPE! I’m gonna eat that rat, Ev - and neither you nor these chimney-sweep lookin’ assholes can stop me.
SOUND: Riley skitters across the room.
Evelyn: Will you guys please help? Can’t you work together or something?
Wackford Kratchit: Work? [beat] With? [beat] Him? After what ‘e did?
Evelyn: Do all pest controllers have so much baggage?
Bob Sketter: When you been around as long as we ‘ave, luv -
Evelyn: I GET IT, you’re the immortal, ancient type of pest controllers! Look, it’s clear you guys aren’t going to be able to work together until you sort out your issues, so I guess it’s Evelyn Hooper, Queen of Emotional Labour to the rescue. Kratchit, why don’t you start?
Wackford Kratchit: Let me take you back to the long-forgotten days of Ye Olde England. It was the best of times -
Bob Sketter: No, it wasn’t! It was the wo’st of times!
Wackford Kratchit: Do you wanna tell it then?
Evelyn: Guys, come on!
Riley: [in background] Come on, little rat. It looks cold under the bathtub...I know somewhere warm...just come on out and take this fucking brie I stole so I can eat you, you little shit!
Wackford Kratchit: I was only a young’un at the time, had been for centuries. I was freezin’ my bollocks off, the only food I had was a hot pie from me mam, and THIS PRICK -
Evelyn: He stole your food?
Wackford Kratchit: Nah, ‘e fucked me mam!
Bob Sketter: Yea, an’ she was crap!
Wackford Kratchit: Not like your mam’s any better!
Bob Sketter: Oy!
Wackford Kratchit: Oi!
Bob Sketter: [louder, longer] OYY!
Wackford Kratchit: [louder, longer] OII!
Bob Sketter: [louder, longer] OYYY!
Wackford Kratchit: [louder, longer] OIII!
Evelyn: MAKE IT STOP!
Bob Sketter: Why don’t you tell ‘em what ‘appened after that? This coffin-dodger tried to get me back by usin’ ‘is mind powers -
Evelyn: MIND POWERS?!
Wackford Kratchit: Yeah, I got mind powers, this’un got time powers, there’s a bunch’a other blokes like us. They got powers like space, reality, power.
Bob Sketter: That’s a really good one.
Wackford Kratchit: Oh, and one of ‘em’s got the power ‘a soul - don’t catch many rats, but he’s one helluva singer.
Bob Sketter: Golden voice. Anyways, this one here uses ‘is mind powers, controls the tiny minds of all the rats ‘e can find - rats ‘ave simple minds, makes ‘em easier ta control, y’see.
Riley: [in background] Come out of there, you tasty, furry bastard.
Evelyn: Riley! Hurry it along guys, they’re getting closer to the poor rat. Bob, why don’t you tell me what happened next?
Bob Sketter: I’ll tell ya! This bastard went and started The Black Plague just to get back at me!
Evelyn: Wait, you killed a third of Europe?!
Wackford Kratchit: Eh, for my money it was a bit of a cock-up. But, when ya think about it, it don’t half make me a good exterminator.
Evelyn: YOU’RE PEST CONTROL, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HUMANE! You’re telling me you two have been playing this petty game of cat and mouse for centuries?
Wackford Kratchit: Yeh, and I’m the cat.
Bob Sketter: Fuck you, I’m the cat!
Wackford Kratchit: Got that right, I ain’t ever seen a bigger pussy.
Bob Sketter: I ‘ave - on Mrs Kratchit!
Evelyn: GUYS! Look, you’ve been fighting about this forever, have you really gained anything from dwelling on things from the past?
Riley: [in background] Okay, I know you can’t talk...
SOUND: Squeak.
Riley: [in background still]...but I’m gonna say ‘Marco’, and then you have to run into my mouth.
Evelyn: We’re losing time! Can’t you guys just put your history aside, for a few minutes, to save this rat from my hungry friend?
Bob Sketter: Fine, I’ll deal with this. Move aside, Kratchit, you slotbadger. This is a man’s job.
Wackford Kratchit: You think you’re ‘ard, Bob? I’ll spark you out, you two-pin din plug, you ain’t shit!
Evelyn: [demonic] BOTH OF YOU SHAKE HANDS AND MAKE UP OR I SWEAR I WILL WRITE REVIEWS SO BAD THAT IT DESTROYS YOUR YELP AVERAGES.
Bob Sketter: Alright, alright, let’s not be too ‘asty.
Wackford Kratchit: Yeh, fine, we’ll let bygones piss off and get gone.
SOUND: Handshake.
Bob Sketter: Now, let’s catch some rats.
Wackford Kratchit: It’s just the one rat, you shit.
Bob Sketter: [angry] I’ll deck you, you bloody -
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Jaunty music - you know, the type of fire bars they play in elevators.
Wackford Kratchit: Got a pest problem that you need solvin’ fast? Don’t ‘ang about, call Katch It With Kratchit and we’ll -
SOUND: Wackford gets decked.
Bob Sketter: No, don’t listen to this tosspot! Call me instead - Bob Sketter the Rat Getter’s the name, and catchin’ rats is my...[beat] job. Call now and -
SOUND: A scuffle, Wackford wrestles Bob to the ground.
Wackford Kratchit: ‘E’s a nonce, don’t trust him - I’ve seen his hands.
Bob Sketter: [chanting, being choked] Kratchit smells like cat shit, Kratchit smells like cat shit!
Wackford Kratchit: Bob will fuck your cat!
Riley: Is...is this one of those weird ads...but live?
Evelyn: I didn’t know those happened when we weren’t recording
Riley: Are they scheduled? Is it to do with like...the sun?
Evelyn: How come you stopped chasing the rat?
Riley: Little fucker evaded me.
Evelyn: I thought you had bait?
Riley: [defeated] I ate it.
Evelyn: Wait, you ate cheese? But aren’t you lacto-
Riley: Ev, when there is brie, that’s just how I be. I’m gonna go back to the store, can you make sure this Cosmic Cockney cock-measuring cock fight doesn’t level my house, or I think my mom might tear my atoms apart.
Evelyn: Can she do that?
Riley: I wasn’t always an only child, Ev.
Evelyn: I’m going to ignore the implications of that because...they’re horrifying.
SOUND: Riley leaves. Sounds of intense fighting.
Evelyn: Guys, stop!
Wackford Kratchit: THIS IS FOR FUCKING ME MAM!
Bob Sketter: YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE WHEN I FUCKED YA MAM!
Wackford Kratchit: What you on about?
Bob Sketter: I went back in time to fuck ya mam, must’ve been about nine months before...wait.
Wackford Kratchit: Dad? [pause] YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR MEEEE!
Bob Sketter: Any son ‘a mine would be something less shite than a fuckin’ pest controller - YOU’RE A LOSER, JUST LIKE YER OLD MAN!
SOUND: Fighting continues, over it the rat scuttles onto the table and squeaks.
Evelyn: I’m with you, Mr Rat, I am so confused.
SOUND: Door opening.
Teddy: Uh...hello? Riley? I heard strange British accents, did you take my Peaky Blinders DVDs?
Evelyn: Teddy, help! Now would be a really good time for you to start believing in my existence!
SOUND: A lamp smashes as it is hurled at Teddy.
Teddy: H-hey! Riley loved that lamp! Y-you’ll have to pay for that, mister!
Wackford Kratchit: PISS OFF YODA, THIS AIN’T GOT ANYTHIN’ TA DO WITH YOU!
Teddy: [quietly to himself] Why, god...I didn’t ask for this life.
SOUND: Door closing.
Evelyn: Will SOMEONE please help me?!
SOUND: The fighting continues, objects being thrown, hands are also being thrown.
Bob Sketter: I can feel what ya playin’ at, lad - you won’t get inside my mind, Kratchit!
Wackford Kratchit: You’ll break soon, Bob, it’s what old men do!
Bob Sketter: We’re immortal, our age is jus’ an arbitrary numerical designation, like askin’ how long a piece ‘a string is!
Wackford Kratchit: Well, you’re an arbitrary [reaching]...prick!
Bob Sketter: I’m gonna travel back in time an’ kick your ten-year-old self in the nuts!
Wackford Kratchit: Wait…[slowly getting idea] time...travel...nuts!
Bob Sketter: Don’t you do it, Kratchit! I can see what you’re plannin’, don’t even think about it!
Wackford Kratchit: Now ya scared, Bob - time ta bring out the big guns, better ‘ave a tidy up in there because…’EEERE’S KRATCHY!
SOUND: Shockwave as Wackford unleashes his psychic powers.
Bob Sketter: [dazed groaning noises]
Evelyn: What...what did you do to him?
Wackford Kratchit: [panting] Took full control of ‘is mind, miss - don’t worry, won’t charge any extra for this - this I do for free.
Evelyn: And by ‘this’, you mean…?
Wackford Kratchit: [epicly, waited his whole life for this line] Pest control. Now, Bob.
Bob Sketter: [mesmerised] Yes, Mister Kratchit.
Wackford Kratchit: ‘Ere’s what you’re gonna do: you’re gonna go back in time, stop yourself from fucken’ me mam, and then apologise to ‘er for bein’ a right dog of a bloke. [Getting carried away, enjoying the power] AND THEN you’re gonna go and kick your ten-year-old self in the mouf AND THE NUTS.
Bob Sketter: [still mesmerised] I obey - still, what a pisser.
SOUND: A zap as Bob Sketter disappears.
Wackford Kratchit: Right, one rat down, one to go! Now, missus, sorry for the delay but I’ll start by laying some bait for the little bugger, then next week I’ll install a one-way valve to-
Evelyn: Mr Kratchit, your hand’s disintegrating - is that normal?
Wackford Kratchit: Not to worry, that’ll just be - ah, fuck.
Evelyn: Now all of you is disintegrating.
Wackford Kratchit: I can see that, miss. That’s time travel for ya, so complica-
SOUND: A gentle whoosh as Wackford becomes dust and fades from existence. Riley returns.
Riley: Hey, someone broke that shitty lamp. Also, where did the Brits go?
Evelyn: From what I understand...which isn’t much, Kratchit made Bob go back in time to un-canoodle his mom.
Riley: He erased himself from existence? Big mood. So, shouldn’t Bob have come back to finish catching the rat?
Evelyn: That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Maybe, by changing the past, Bob altered the course of his own history, forever shifting the sequence of events that brought him here to the basement.
Riley: Ev, I don’t care.
Evelyn: You’re right, maybe it would be better if all of us didn’t think about it too much. Let’s just try and take a positive lesson out of this whole thing, like...protecting the environment or never taking PCP.
Riley: Or that the best way to catch a rat…
SOUND: Riley scrambles under the bathtub.
Riley: IS TO DO IT YOURSELF!
Evelyn: Riley, there has been enough suffering in this basement for one day!
Riley: But I just stole some better cheese! The fancy expensive shit with the French names.
Evelyn: [demonic] ALMANZOR, YOU MUST STOP!
Riley: [slightly intimidated] Okay, sorry, Ev. For what it’s worth, I think the rat’s gotten away.
SOUND: Riley eats the cheese.
Evelyn: Well, that’s something.
Riley: I mean, I wasn’t even hungry anymore, I just ate like, four wedges of cheese.
Evelyn: You only brought home two wedges of cheese.
Riley: [ashamed] No, I stole four and ate two on the way back - defeat makes me hangry. I suppose, in a way, part of me just didn’t want to feel like I ’m dumber than a tiny animal. And then I got frustrated when I couldn’t catch it, because that felt like proof - my inability to catch one rat served as confirmation of my deepest insecurities. At that point, it was something I had to defeat, for the sake of my own sanity.
Evelyn: You know, Riley, I’m glad you’re getting better at talking about the way you feel.
Riley: Thanks, Ev.
SOUND: Squeak.
Riley: Did...did you just squeak?
Evelyn: No, the rat’s been sitting in your hair for about five minutes now.
Riley: [gasps] Why didn’t you say something? YOU MADE ME ACKNOWLEDGE MY FEELINGS, THIS IS ENTRAPMENT.
Evelyn: But, before you do anything, isn’t it wonderful that this rat helped you learn something about yourself? Isn’t that a good enough reason to spare it? Riley: You make a good point, Ev. [beat] but emotional vulnerability also makes me hangry.
SOUND: A scuffle and distressed squeak, Riley slams the rat down on the table.
Riley: Any last words- Any last squeaks, you insolent rodent?
Evelyn: Well, congratulations, Riley - you proved you’re smarter than a rat, not that that’s saying much.
Ratthew: That, my dear, depends on the rat.
SOUND: A blast of light, and angelic singing.
Evelyn: What the heck? Why can I hear singing?
Riley: And where’s that light coming from, WE’RE IN A BASEMENT!
Evelyn: Riley, don’t pretend that’s even in the top ten weirdest things to happen in here today.
Ratthew: Greetings, Riley of Colony Alma nzor, and Ascended Evelyn of Colony Hooper.
Riley: Ah, fuck - even the rat’s got a British accent.
Evelyn: Mr Rat, you can talk?
Ratthew: Please, Mr Rat was my father’s name.
Evelyn: Oh, so what is your name?
Ratthew: Rat is short for Ratthew. Long have I hidden my true consciousness, waiting for one worthy to receive the boon of my almost limitless knowledge!
Riley: Spill it, Biggie Cheese, because I’ve already met Dave the Ancient Alien and he was a massive let-down.
Ratthew: My truths surpass even his! For they have far more practical application.
Evelyn: Maybe we should hear Ratthew out, Riley.
Ratthew: Indeed! I can reveal to you many great secrets of life, the universe and...several other things! I see all, I know all - I can tell you the cure for ligma, how to reverse climate change, the reason why you always lose one of your socks. And, as reward for catching me, and making your nest so hospitable for me and my millions upon millions of children -
Evelyn: [quietly] We should maybe look into that one-way valve thing.
Ratthew: I will unveil all to you! You can become as omniscient as I, learn the truths from which the very fabric of reality is woven. I will be your guide, your teacher - I can explain to you, the very origins of life, the science to perfecting space travel and the recipe for a perfect souffle that melts in the mouth with a moist center.
SOUND: Subtle, near-inaudible stomach rumble.
Ratthew: Most importantly, I can aid in your coming struggles.
Evelyn: Struggles? You mean there’s more? Nice to know that doesn’t change.
Ratthew: Indeed, child. For I have seen the grave things still to come. There is a great darkness on the horizon for you, Riley and Evelyn, a devastating calamity that threatens the safety of this entire dimension, and every other. Soon it will be upon us, and you will need my knowledge to stop the machinations of the one they call T--
SOUND: Chomping sound and dying squeak as Riley eats Ratthew. They burp.
Evelyn: [disappointed but unsurprised] Really, Almanzor?
Riley: Really. Let’s see how long Mr Smarty Rat lasts in my digestive tract - I don’t fancy his chances.
Evelyn: Why are you like this?
Riley: [burps] Years of parental neglect, Ev. Shit, have we been recording this whole time? Oh fuckdammit, I’m gonna get so many hate tweets for eating the rat.
SOUND: Riley’s stomach groans.
Riley: Stupid rodent’s gonna cause me as much trouble coming out as it did going in.
Evelyn: No, that’s probably the four wedges of cheese you, a lactose-intolerant ghoul, decided to inhale during your quest to kill a rat that held the secrets of the universe.
Riley: I guess...the mouse always wins.
Evelyn: He was a rat, Riley.
[SQUEAK]