Episode 202: An Oldie But A Hoodie
In honor of the new season, Riley and Evelyn decide to do some spring cleaning, removing some of Riley’s vast collection of old junk from the basement. In their zealousness, they decide to get Riley some new clothes, ditching their old and ratty hoodie. However, the Hoodie isn’t ready to go - and begins harassing our two heroes over its feelings of abandonment.
+transcript
Riley: You can’t do this to me, Evelyn. It’s cruel. It’s psychopathic. It’s positively inhuman. Not that human is synonymous with good!
Evelyn: Don’t be so melodramatic, Riley. It’s just a little spring cleaning.
Riley: In front of the whole internet? Please, Ev- I only just reclaimed my ability to use the bathroom without being witnessed by a scratched-up pizza boy ghost. Now you’re gonna rip away the one single crumb of privacy I have by literally airing my dirty laundry?
Evelyn: It’s an audio medium, they can’t see any of this!
Riley: That’s what you think. The deep web is full of hackers with secret cameras.
Evelyn: What better way to check for those cameras than a thorough reorganising session?
Riley: Fine. I guess I-
SOUND: Intro music.
Riley: -Concede.
Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, the deep web hackers haven’t gotten you yet!
Riley: They used to say that there was a McDonalds on every continent except Antarctica, but recent polar expeditions and advanced satellite photography revealed that Antarctica did have a McDonalds frozen under the ice. Core samples were taken of its golden arches, revealing that the restaurant dated all the way back to the precambrian era. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your Best Ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with The Most!
Riley: And this is Less is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Evelyn?
Evelyn: Yes, Riley?
Riley: Would you mind telling the listeners what you’ve done to my basement today?
Evelyn: Well, I’ve been watching a lot of videos lately where people try to embrace minimalism by completely reorganising their living spaces, and I thought Riley and I could use some of that in our lives. And deaths.
Riley: For the record, I’m against minimalism on principle.
Evelyn: You’re against a lot of things on principle.
Riley: You’re damn right I am, it’s because I have so many principles!
Evelyn: Well, enlighten me, what’s wrong with minimalism?
Riley: Listen - long time fans of the show will know that I haven’t exactly had a charmed upbringing. My dad is a dolt who doesn’t understand me, and my mom used to put mouse traps in my toybox when I was a kid. I have no siblings, only a selection of cousins who never visit and pretend they don’t know me if they see me in public. And Shaz. People haven’t really been there for me for the better part of my life, is what I’m saying.
Evelyn: Except me, right?
Riley: [begrudging] Yes, except you... Anyway, people disappoint me constantly, but things don’t! I can trust things! Things would never sign me up for soccer camp and leave me there until mid-October, mom!
Evelyn: So you’re vocally anti-capitalist, but you love having material possessions.
Riley: That’s childhood trauma for you, it makes you not make sense.
Evelyn: Well, on that depressing note...I think ‘minimalism’ was the wrong word to use. I have no intention of making you throw out your comfort items, I just think we ought to get rid of all the stuff you don’t want anymore.
Riley: That’s fair. But, Evelyn, do we really have to do this on-air?
Evelyn: Yes.
Riley: Why?
Evelyn: If there’s no record of this, there’s no accountability, which means you won’t do it. Remember all those times you said you were gonna wash the barbecue sauce out of your sheets?
Riley: I told you last time, I’ll get around to it!
Evelyn: That was over 4 months ago!
Riley: Time is a construct!
Evelyn: Let’s just rip this bandaid off and get cleaning!
Riley: If it’ll get you off my back so I can return to writing the next chapter of The Sword of R’lyeh, fine. Let’s start with this pile.
SOUND: Clattering items.
Riley: This is almost as tall as me, fuck.
Evelyn: And this is the smallest of three piles. I’m honestly impressed you were able to fit this much stuff into this basement. It’s not that big of a space.
Riley: I’ve been very creative with my storage. Under the bed is where I keep clothes, behind the TV is where I keep my collection of swords and crossbow paraphernalia, I keep all my board games in the dryer, and my books that don’t fit in the bookcase go in the washing machine. I think my organisation system works.
Evelyn: Aside from the times when your books get soggy.
Riley: If I give ‘em a few minutes by the radiator they’re still legible. Mostly.
Evelyn: So, what have you got there?
SOUND: Riley picks up an item from the pile and the whole pile collapses.
Riley: Jesus, this is like playing extreme jenga. [beat] Hang on, I just have to move my box of extreme jenga. Uhhh, this is my light-up tiki mug from Big Uri’s Undead Tiki Bar in Fort Lauderdale. I could probably use this to hold pens and pencils… Let’s see if it still works.
SOUND: A small jet of flame shoots out of the mug.
Evelyn: Yikes! Maybe don’t put pencils in there- nothing made of wood should go near that.
Riley: Oh come on, it’s not that big of a fire hazard. It’s pretty cool.
Evelyn: What’s that on the floor, next to it? It looks like a stuffed porcupine with sunglasses.
Riley: Oh, Manfred?
Evelyn: It has a name?
Riley: Of course he does! You know Manfred.
Evelyn: I don’t, Riley.
Riley: Come on, Evelyn! I’ve had this little guy for ages. He’s been here longer than you.
Evelyn: How have I never seen him?
Riley: Usually he’s under the desk.
Evelyn: Oh, of course, where all the taxidermied animals usually go.
Riley: [missing the sarcasm] Yeah, exactly. Maybe I should put him somewhere else…
Evelyn: So you’re keeping Manfred?
Riley: Yes, no question about it.
Evelyn: What for?
Riley: For?
Evelyn: Yeah, why do you need him?
Riley: He’s the heart and soul of this podcast, Evelyn!
Evelyn: Is he!?
Riley: Absolutely! Getting rid of him would be tantamount to treason!
Evelyn: Alright, so we can’t get rid of Manfred. How about these Pizza Pizzaz-O tickets?
Riley: Out of the question. I need them to buy my way back in and get that pogo stick.
Evelyn: These expired in 2015!
Riley: I’m in the process of rubbing the dates off and writing them back on. It’ll be the perfect crime, and….ah, shit, you just got me to admit it on air. This is entrapment!
Evelyn: Well, now you have to get rid of the tickets, right?
Riley: Why?
Evelyn: Because now that the listeners know your plan, they’re useless.
Riley: No, I can still find some use for them. You never know. The world could end tomorrow and this could become the new currency among survivors in the wastes.
SOUND: Evelyn groans.
Evelyn: Oh, look, you’ve got about 5 hundred empty CD jewel cases laying over here, maybe we can get rid of those.
Riley: No!
Evelyn: Riley, what emotional attachment could you possibly have to 5 hundred hard, clear, plastic squares?
Riley: Uhhhh….
Evelyn: It’s okay, take your time.
Riley: Don’t question it, I just need them.
Evelyn: For…?
[Long Pause]
Riley: [defensive, panicking] For fuck you, that’s what!
Evelyn: Alright, alright...[sighs] Let’s just leave that pile alone. We’ll move onto the clothes. I know you don’t feel sentimental towards them.
Riley: What makes you so sure?
Evelyn: Because I’ve been here a year, and I’ve seen you change shirts literally 4 times.
Riley: That’s a good point, but I’m not gonna lie, Ev...I still don’t wanna get rid of them.
Evelyn: Why?
Riley: I wanted to try making a nest.
Evelyn: What’s wrong with the bed?
Riley: Nothing, I just wanted to see how a nest would measure up.
[Beat]
Evelyn: You want to sleep in a nest so you won’t have to think about your dirty sheets, don’t you?
Riley: Evelyn, god damn it, I said I would get around to it!
[ WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Jaunty old-timey music playing in the background.
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SOUND: Soft background soundscape of a Victorian-era city- horses on cobblestones, street vendors, etc.
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SOUND: Creepy organ sting, bats flapping and chirping.
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SOUND: Ambient swamp noises, crickets.
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SOUND: Shower running in the background.
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Evelyn: Okay, so do you wanna keep this Jonas Brothers calendar from 2006?
Riley: You can’t prove to me that it will never be 2006 again.
Evelyn: But all the dates are already crossed out. The only reason to keep it would be for the pictures.
Riley: [defensive] And what of it?
Evelyn: Nothing, but...maybe we could, I dunno, cut them out and make something with them. Just so they’re not taking up space.
Riley: I don’t know if I could do that to Kevin. Joe, maybe…
Evelyn: What about this?
Riley: Evelyn! You can’t make me throw out my signed picture of Fox Mulder!
Evelyn: I never said throw it out! I just thought maybe we could hang it up on the wall, maybe next to the red string conspiracy map. Can I have a look at it?
Riley: Okay...but you can’t touch it, or...I mean, levitate it, whatever. I don’t want you to take it.
Evelyn: I won’t, I promise!
[Beat]
Evelyn: Riley...Where did you get this? Because I think you got ripped off.
Riley: Impossible, I got it signed in person.
Evelyn: But it wasn’t signed by David Duchovny, it says ‘Larry Csonka’.
Riley: Yeah, I know. My dad’s a big Dolphins fan and when we ran into Larry Csonka at the mall he really wanted an autograph. The only piece of paper we had handy was the David Duchovny picture I used to carry in my pocket everywhere I went.
Evelyn: Jeez, doesn’t that bother you?
Riley: It really doesn’t. All famous people’s signatures look exactly the same.
Evelyn: You know what? You’re totally right. Okay, so, we’ll move onto the clothes pile. Let’s deconstruct the nest now.
Riley: Good idea. I’ll try on all the clothes I never wear- and we’ll obviously pause the recording so none of you sick fucks at home get to listen to me naked- and whatever I like I’ll find space for in the closet. Everything I don’t like, I’ll put back under the bed for the nest.
Evelyn: What’s in the closet right now?
Riley: I’ll show you.
Evelyn: ...Why are you plugging your ears?
SOUND: Riley opens the closet door and a huge amount of metal pots and instruments clang together.
Riley: [yelling, they still have their ears blocked] That’s where I banish everything that makes noises I don’t like.
Evelyn: There’s a kettle, a vacuum cleaner, an oboe….Why on earth do you keep so many things that make noises you don’t like?
Riley: To one day use against my enemies.
SOUND: Oboe note.
Riley: I’ll move all of this over here so I can start actually hanging my clothes up when I’ve narrowed it down. Now, I’ll just take my hoodie off and-
SOUND: Riley unzips the hoodie.
Riley: That’s weird.
Evelyn: What’s weird?
Riley: It’s stuck.
SOUND: Riley struggles with the hoodie.
Riley: Fuck, that’s really weird. I can’t get it off at all.
Evelyn: Do you think it might’ve fused with your skin from you wearing it too much?
Riley: Evelyn, don’t be gross.
SOUND: Riley burps.
Riley: Maybe it’s clinging on because of static or something-
SOUND: The hoodie zips up.
Riley: Evelyn, did you do that?
Evelyn: No.
Riley: Don’t fuck with me, Hooper, you’re the only one in the room who could make a zipper open and close on its own.
SOUND: Riley’s hood comes up.
Riley: And make a hood go up and down on its own, too.
Evelyn: I swear, I’m not doing anything! Your hoodie is totally possessed!
Riley: Evelyn, don’t be moronic. Articles of clothing can’t be possessed.
The Hoodie: That’s what you think.
SOUND: Riley yells.
Riley: What the fuck?
SOUND: Riley tries again to take the hoodie off.
The Hoodie: Don’t grip too hard, or you’ll make new holes. You don’t want your favourite hoodie to unravel, do you?
Riley: Stop doing that, it’s creeping me out.
The Hoodie: Creeping you out? After all the time we’ve spent together? Are you serious?
Riley: Evelyn, you’re the resident paranormal entity here, what does your afterlife pamphlet say about possessed objects?
Evelyn: Oh, that’s an easy one- wait. Hm.
Riley: Wait what?
Evelyn: Well...oh, dang. The pamphlet must be under one of these piles.
Riley: See where your attempt to organise has gotten you?
The Hoodie: I kept you warm through years of Florida hurricanes, I’ve protected your ears from countless annoying people, I’ve literally gone to hell and back with you.
Riley: And now of all times you choose to demonstrate sentience?
The Hoodie: I’ve always let you speak for yourself, Riley. That is the hoodie way. I’m not like Evelyn, who wants you to do things you don’t want to do.
Evelyn: Hey! I live-well, exist here too- and I want it clean for my own reasons.
The Hoodie: See what she’s done? She’s taken your home from you, and made it better lit and less smelly and not you at all!
Riley: You’re smellier than I am!
The Hoodie: Exactly. You’ve lost your edge. Soon, you’ll smell like the freshest of clean towels. Do you want that Riley? Clean towels? Lavender scented?
Riley: The only thing I want now is personal space! Can we continue this conversation after I take you off?
The Hoodie: Don’t you dare! My embrace is eternal and cold wash only.
SOUND: The hoodie squeezes Riley.
Riley: Evelyn, the hoodie is trying to strangle me!
Evelyn: Okay, okay, hold on- I’m gonna try to double-possess it! Maybe if another spirit goes in it’ll push the one that’s already in there out!
Riley: Do not get ectoplasm all over my hoodie!
Evelyn: Do you want a clean hoodie, or do you want to be able to breathe?
SOUND: Zipper tightening.
Riley: [choked] Good point. Have at ‘em.
SOUND: Evelyn possesses the hoodie.
The Hoodie: Hey! Get out!
Evelyn: You’ll have to make me, first!
Riley: Oh god this is so weird. I can feel the sound vibrations when they talk, it’s like wearing a subwoofer.
Evelyn: Take this!
SOUND: Riley getting tossed around as Evelyn and the hoodie fight.
Riley: Ow!
The Hoodie: Stop hurting Riley! Take that!
SOUND: Riley keeps getting thrown around.
Riley: Ow! Watch it! Don’t forget I’m literally right in the middle of this fight
Evelyn: Sorry, Riles. Oh, hey, I’ve got the zipper!
SOUND: The zipper of the hoodie being unzipped.
Riley: [exhaling] Oh, thank god. I’m free.
Evelyn: It’s time to see which of us it’s truly Riley’s best friend!
Hoodie: You are no match for me, human ghost! I’m a blend of cotton, polyester and whoop ass!
SOUND: Anime power up noise.
Evelyn: You are clothing! You can never understand the hearts of true friends!
Hoodie: At least I can hold them! I’ve been close to their heart this whole time! Closer than you’ll ever be!
SOUND: Evil spirit power up noise.
Riley: Time out! These ghostly energy surges you two are emitting are shorting out the laptop!
Hoodie: We’ll get a new laptop, together. Without Evelyn!
Evelyn: No, Riley! We’ll get the laptop together, Hoodie be hecked!
Riley: I’d really prefer it if you didn’t destroy this one at all! It’s out of warranty!
SOUND: Anime battle! Evelyn and Hoodie make fighting grunts while DBZ style effects play. Force lightning.
Riley: I gotta say, though, this is a pretty impressive battle. These moves are incredible - it’s a mix of the balletic fight choreography of the John Wick series, and the high-octane fantastical visuals of top tier Shōnen battle anime. It’s truly a sight to behold. Wow. Shame we’re an audio-only podcast.
Hoodie: Give it up! I’m a Florida hoodie, I’ve been through worse than you could ever imagine! I’ve strangled gators with my drawstrings! My poly-blend fabric has deflected the buckshot of deranged, gun-wielding swamp folk in the heart of the glades!
SOUND: Hoodie spirit powers increase.
Hoodie: You can’t even comprehend the scope of my terrifying abilities! I am the child of the sweater and the cloak, and I have outgrown them! I am the garment to end all garments! I have unlimited pow-
Evelyn: Okay, Okay, you’re a strong hoodie! We get it!
Riley: Yeah, too strong. Stronger than my mom, maybe...
Evelyn: Riley, no! Don’t give in to the hoodie’s embrace!
Hoodie: Do it! I totally won’t explodify Evelyn if you wear me again! Promise!
Riley: That’s a compelling argument.
Evelyn: Forget about me, Riles! You can’t go on wearing this thing! It’s rude! It’s controlling! It smells like nine thousand and one butts!
Riley: I know! I should have replaced it, but since I can’t replace you, it looks like I’m keeping it.
Hoodie: Haha! Hoodie wins!
Evelyn: Not really, you just exploited our friendship for a cheap return to the status quo.
Riley: Yeah, so stop gloating and get back on my torso, you stupid piece of fabric.
Hoodie: [offended] Stupid piece of fabric?
Riley: I’m not relenting because I like you, I’m doing it for Evelyn. God, I sound just like my dad in family counseling.
Hoodie: Well, uh… feeling less good about it, but… I still won.
Riley: Whatever.
SOUND: Riley sniffs the hoodie.
Riley: Eugh, you weren’t kidding about the butts, Evelyn. I guess I didn’t realise how bad it smelled until I’d had it off for a while. Help me move my books so I can wash this thing.
Hoodie: Wait, no, what are you-
Riley: Relax, it’s not gonna kill you. And what doesn’t kill you , makes you smell tolerable.
SOUND: Washing machine opening, books being tossed out. Riley throws the hoodie in. They turn the machine on.
Hoodie: [through the water] You set it to warm wash! I’m cold wash only! [getting more high pitched] Nooooo!
Evelyn: Riley, you’re a genius! You exploited the hoodie’s weakness that it mentioned earlier!
Riley: Huh? Oh, yeah sure I totally meant to do that. Hey, can you hang tight here? I gotta go get a new laptop real quick. I don’t think mine is gonna recover from your high-octane energy battle.
SOUND: Sparks coming from the laptop.
Evelyn: Can do!
SOUND: Audio skip. Evelyn and Riley are in the middle of cleaning.
Riley: And we’re back. Before I started recording again, we made some great progress with the cleaning.
Evelyn: We’re down to two piles!
Riley: Or we will be once I hang up my David Duchovny-slash-Larry Csonka signed photo.
SOUND: Riley hanging the picture.
Riley: Aaaand...perfect.
SOUND: The washing machine dings.
Riley: Oh, the hoodie’s clean now!
SOUND: Riley opening the machine.
Hoodie: [in a tiny voice] You fool! You can’t get rid of me that easily! I will always be with you, Riley!
Evelyn: That’s unlikely. I don’t think you could fit one of your arms in that hoodie, now.
Hoodie: [tiny voice] I can stretch, it’s not that big of a deal!
Riley: I think I’ll give this to Goodwill, some weird old lady can put it on her chihuahua or something.
Hoodie: [fading] Curse youuuu!
SOUND: The hoodie’s voice is muffled as it’s shoved in a bin bag.
Evelyn: What about Manfred? Where are we gonna put him?
Manfred: Yeah, what about me? What about ol’ Manfred?
Riley: What the fuck? You’ve been a real porcupine this whole time?
Manfred: Well, I wouldn’t say dat. I’m more like a bunch of sawdust wearing the skin of a dead porcupine.
Evelyn: But you’re like the ghost of a porcupine, right?
Manfred: I am what I am, okay? Let’s move on. Geez.
Riley: I think the real question is….where do you want to go, Manfred?
SOUND: Inspiring music.
Manfred: Go?
Riley: Yeah, like...on the shelf, on the desk….
Manfred: I got a lotta places I wanna go….I’ve never seen the big apple, or the grand canyon, or the cadillac ranch…
Riley: Okay, just answer the question-
Evelyn: No, Riley, hear him out.
Riley: Evelyn, he’s a stuffed porcupine.
Manfred: I told you before, I’m more like a diminutive sawdust golem! Besides, I gots big ambitions! I’ve always dreamed of making It.
Riley: What is it?
Manfred: You know, like the Stephen King novel - It was a formative work in my early years. I want to make It as a movie. Nobody’s ever done that.
Riley: Actually…
Evelyn: No, don’t tell him.
Manfred: Listen, Riley. I appreciate all you’ve never done for me. But I gotta be free to pursue my craft. If I don’t make It no one will. I think I’ll cast some real talented child actors, like Macaulay Culkin and Leonardo DiCaprio.
Evelyn: How long has he been down here?
Riley: He came with the house.
Manfred: Sos to answer youse question, if I had to tell youse wheres abouts I wants to go. I wants to go west. Ss.
Evelyn: Riley, you can’t make him stay.
Riley: I know, I know. But he’s been such an important part of my life and the show. What is Less is Morgue without Manfred? It’s like a hollow shell, full of hollow-ness.
Manfred: It don’t have to be goodbye. I’ll always be with you… Just in a “not always being with you” sorta way.
Riley: I’m gonna miss you, you spikey bastard.
Manfred: You too, you spawn of Carmen.
Riley: I’d uh… hug you, but…
Manfred: Da needles, yeah I get it. Anyway, imma see myself out.
Evelyn: Good luck out there, Manfred.
Manfred: Good luck in here!
SOUND: Manfred walks out the door. Inspiring music peters off.
Riley: I guess if you can’t move on from your stuff, it might move on from you.
Evelyn: Yeah, sometimes it’s just out of your hands. Possessions are temporary.
Riley: And you’re the expert on those. [Beat] Let’s get started on organising the rest of those clothes. I gotta change into a longer sleeve shirt- it’s freezing in here.
Evelyn: Wanna go hoodie shopping?
Riley: Fuck no. If I see another hoodie today, I swear-
[ END ]