Episode 201: The People vs Riley Almanzor

Riley and Evelyn are back for the first episode of Less Is Morgue Season 2! But the celebrations are interrupted when Riley’s mom tries to sue them in order to force them to move out. Riley and Ev decide to take it to court, where the trial of the century (?) begins!

+transcript

Riley: Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Or has the Deep State silenced us?

Evelyn: OMG, we’re recording again!

Riley: Yep, we’re back, everybody. If you thought we’d never make a season 2...Fuck you, you’re wrong, and also you’re dead to me.

Evelyn: And thank you to everyone who came back! A lot has changed in the basement, but we’re still the same old Riley and Evelyn!

Riley: How have you been enjoying your new freedom, Ev?

Evelyn: It’s been pretty good! I’ve been able to revisit some of my favourite places from when I was alive, I got to see a bunch of dogs, and I’ve even met some new ghosts around town!

Riley: I’ve been enjoying having some privacy back. I can finally listen to Dildo Fusion without headphones, and my trips to the bathroom have never been so relaxing.

Evelyn: Yeah, you actually started showering again.

Riley: It feels good. Glad to be able to do it. So, Evelyn, you wanna do the intro?

Evelyn: Hey everybody, if you’re listening to this, then it means that you’re either new here, or you stuck with us for season 2! Either way, thanks!

Riley: People are always trying to send submarines down to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, but nobody cares enough to investigate the second deepest trench in the ocean. And that? That is where the Crab Lord lives. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: This is Less is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Listeners, we’re about to embark on a historical journey. I want you all to cast your minds back to 1998. Evelyn, how old were you in ‘98?

Evelyn: I was in my junior year at the Sacred Light Academy for Girls in Newport, and yes, before anyone asks, that is why I’m gay.

Riley: I was 5. Altogether, it was a simpler time for everyone.

Evelyn: Not really for everyone, Riley.

Riley: My point is, Facebook didn’t exist, and Giuliano Amato hadn’t done 9/11 yet. The internet was in its infancy, and international communication was much harder. Japan was on the edge of recession, and its artists were producing weird, low-budget content at never before seen speeds.

Evelyn: Is this gonna be about Digimon?

Riley: No, Evelyn. I told you I was keeping my Digimon hot takes off the record. This is about the most obscure and deep of deep web animes...a little project known as The End.Avi.

Evelyn: Why did you say the file extension?

Riley: That’s not the file extension, it’s part of the title.

Evelyn: There’s a file extension in the title?

Riley: Ev, we both know that weirder anime titles exist.

Evelyn: Fair point.

Riley: It’s believed to be an anime so horrifically violent and disturbing that even the Otakus won’t touch it. And yet, nobody can actually track down the file. Which, ironically, is believed to be an MP4.

Evelyn: So it’d be The End.Avi.MP4?

Riley: Exactly, Evelyn, keep up. I’ve been hunting this thing since I was fourteen years old, and I think I’m finally on the edge of cracking this mystery wide open. It all started by hiding outside the bushes of a local international video store that moves a lot of anime.

Evelyn: Riley, no! Is this what happens when I don’t supervise you?

Riley: Silence, Evelyn! I’m in the flow. So anyway, I don’t speak Japanese, but there is this one name that keeps coming up: Harry Gateaux. I think he must have something to do with the Big Cake industry, but I’m not entirely sure yet…

Evelyn: ...Do you watch subs or dubs?

Riley: Dubs. Dubs all the way.

Evelyn: That tracks.

Riley: What makes you say that?

Evelyn: Uh...no reason. SOUND: Riley’s mom banging on the basement door. Riley: Mom! Shut the fuck up, we’re trying to record down here! SOUND: Louder banging. Demonic noises. Evelyn: She sounds madder than usual.

Riley: Probably has something to do with the letters she keeps throwing down here.

Evelyn: What letters?

Riley: Some dumb shit about suing me? I eat all of them as soon as she pushes them under the door.

Evelyn: I’m sorry, suing you?

Riley: Because I won’t move out or get a ‘real’ job. Podcasting is perfectly honest work!

Evelyn: Jeez, I knew your mom hated you, but that seems a little- SOUND: The banging and snarling continues. Riley: I’M NOT SETTLING THIS OUT OF COURT AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! Evelyn, pause the recording. The End.Avi can wait.

Evelyn: Are you sure? I thought you were in the flow.

Riley: I was, but now that flow has been blocked by a large rock. And that rock is named Justice. And it waits for no man!

Evelyn: But if it’s a rock, it can’t not wait, because rocks can’t really move-

Riley: To the courthouse! SOUND: Intro Music Riley: So, listeners, it’s the next day. And we’re recording from the road. Well, from the Leon County Courthouse. Because I’m about to whip my own mom in a legal battle.

Evelyn: I still can’t believe she’s suing you. And I can’t believe you wanted to take it to court!

Riley: I have no money to settle it, Ev, what else am I supposed to do? And besides, I’ve got this in the bag. In case you haven’t noticed, I am very smart.

Evelyn: So, if you're going to defend yourself, do you at least know who the prosecution is?

Riley: The whomst?

Evelyn: You know, the lawyer your mom hired to argue her case?

Riley: Ah, yes...the bad guy lawyer.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Are you sure you're up to this, Riley?

Riley: Absolutely. SOUND: The courtroom doors swing open and John Knifeman, monster slayer, is dragged out by bailiffs. John Knifeman: This isn't over! The lawyer's a fleshgait! She's turned the kids against me! My own kids! My own WIFE! God damn you!

Bailiff: Don't make us tase you again, John.

John Knifeman: BUT MY WIFE! SOUND: The scuffle continues. John Knifeman gets tased. Riley: I'm definitely more up to it than him. At least I wore a shirt. And pants.

Evelyn: Whatever you say, Riles. I just want to make sure you know what you're up against. I watched a lot of Ally McBeal in my day, and one of the things I learned is that it's useful to know who your opponent is.

Riley: I ate the letter before I retained any of the information in it. And it doesn’t matter who the bad guy lawyer is, cause I’m gonna ream them with my facts and logic. SOUND: They walk through the door to the courtroom. Silence. Riley: Oh, fuck. I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.

Evelyn: What? What’s wrong?

Riley: I see red hair in the bad-guy lawyer box. Don’t make eye contact.

Parker: Riley!

Riley: Too late.

Evelyn: Parker?

Riley: I was hoping you’d be dead in a ditch somewhere by now.

Parker: No such luck! Glad to see you showed up, anyway. [Beat] Oh, did you not read the court notice? I’m the prosecutor! Your mom’s paying me to defeat you.

Riley: Why? No offense, but she could’ve gotten literally any other lawyer.

Parker: None taken. She wanted to psych you out because I think she assumes we’re friends?

Riley: Yeah, she does, actually… She keeps asking me when I’m gonna invite you over again.

Parker: Either way, she’s being very unethical. But, like, I couldn’t say anything. She’s terrifying.

Riley: I thought you were “good with people.”

Parker: I am, but I also value my life and I know my limits. And, let’s be honest here, your mother is really stretching the definition of “people.”

Evelyn: Wait, Parker...didn’t you say you got kicked out of law school?

Parker: I went back. Turns out, if you’re an articulate, good-looking man, colleges are willing to look over a lot. It’s fucked up, honestly! But, it works in my favour, so- [all of the confidence drains out of his voice] Ah, shit, you’re recording this aren’t you?

Evelyn: Yup! First episode of season two!

Parker: Oh, sweet! Congrats!

Evelyn: Also, weren't you doing arts law?

Parker: Ehhhhh, Art, Alimony, they both begin with an A. [sympathetic, lowering his voice slightly] Listen- I want you to know that I’ve got no stake in this argument, okay? I’m just here because I’m getting paid. And I know you’re gonna take this personally, because I would too if I was in your shoes, but I can’t go easy on you. Your mom said if I don’t give at least 120 percent, she’d sever one of my hands at the wrist.

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Ricky Forthewin.

Parker: Alright, best of luck. And seriously- no hard feelings. Pre-trial high-five? [BEAT] Parker: Okay, fair enough. Evelyn? SOUND: ghostly swishing Evelyn: There. That’s the best you’re gonna get.

Parker: I’ll take it. See you on the stand! SOUND: Shuffling and chatter as people take their seats Judge: Good morning. We’re here today for the case of Almanzor v. Almanzor. The defendant, Riley Almanzor, will be representing themselves. The Plaintiff: Carmen Almanzor, who is also the defendant’s mother, will be represented by...sorry, who are you?

Parker: Parker Matthews.

Judge: Right, whatever. Him. Due to a previous engagement, the plaintiff, Mrs. Almanzor, is not here today, however she wants all of you to know that she can see and hear everything. Be seated. SOUND: Everyone sits. Judge: What was this case again, Tim?

Bailiff: The mom’s suing her kid ‘cause they refuse to get a real job and move out, Your Honour.

SOUND: The Judge groans audibly.

Judge: Okay. This trial is perhaps one of the biggest wastes of time in the history of the Florida state court system. As such, I refuse to dignify it by using my real gavel. Instead, I’m going to make gavel noises w ith my mouth. Now, let’s get this crazy train rolling so we can all break for lunch by two. Mx. Almanzor, your opening statement.

Evelyn: Go get ‘em, Riley! I believe in you! SOUND: Riley stands. Riley: Thank you. Valued colleagues, my name is Riley Almanzor and I will be representing myself. [Clears Throat] The dictionary gives the following definition of the word 'Conspiracy'.

Evelyn: Oh, we are so boned.

Riley: A conspiracy is a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful. Unlawful, as in, against the law. Harmful, as in causing harm.

Evelyn: Please stop digging this hole, Riles, I’m begging you.

Riley: Valued colleagues, there is a conspiracy going on. A conspiracy to deny me the right to have a roof over my head. That conspiracy is called capitalism, and my parents are involved in it. I’m an adult - I’m legally allowed to live wherever I want, and the people out there that want to make me ‘go out’ and ‘get a job’ are the ones who should be on trial on this day. [BEAT] Riley: That’s it, that’s all I need to say. Case dismissed. SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. Judge: That’s my line. You don’t get to say that. Sit down.

Riley: Good luck trying to top that, Matthews.

Parker: I feel so much second-hand embarrassment for you right now.

Judge: Mr. Matthews, your opening statement. Try to make it a little less profoundly stupid than the last one. SOUND: Parker stands up. Parker: Valued colleagues, today I’m here to posit the argument that my associate, Riley Almanzor, is a nightmare with whom nobody should be forced to live. Yes, it is true that I got my law degree all of two months ago, but that still makes me more qualified to be standing here than my associate ever has been or will be. Friends, Riley Almanzor is here today representing themselves. Do you know who else did that? Ted Bundy. And look where that got him.

Riley: That’s real rich, him comparing me to Ted Bundy.

Evelyn: Remind me who Ted Bundy was?

Riley: A really shitty lawyer.

Parker: [continuing his statement] Am I saying that Riley should get the chair? No, of course not, but I do think that all options should be on the table. With all that said, I call to the stand my first character witness, Maria Zagarella. SOUND: Mama Zagarella comes to the stand. Parker: State your name for the record.

Mama Zagarella: Maria Zagarella.

Parker: So, Mrs. Zagarella, you're the owner of Mama Zagarella's Cyclops-Italian Pizzeria on Monroe Street.

Mama Zagarella: That's correct. I've been selling family-style pizzas to the people of Tallahassee for over 30 years, but now my business is falling apart, because this DEMON kept eating all of my delivery boys!

Parker: And when you say 'this demon', you're referring to the defendant, Riley Almanzor? [BEAT] Parker: I'd like everyone to note that Mrs. Zagarella just crossed herself. How many delivery drivers did the defendant kill and eat in the period before you banned them from your establishment?

Riley: Objection! This is a conflict of interest! I know for a fact that the bad guy lawyer-

Parker and

Judge: Prosecutor.

Riley: The persecutor, whatever, he's been guilty of eating multiple people and for him to call me out on it is highly hypocritical. Aren’t there laws against that?

Parker: I'd like to clarify, that's not the subject of this line of questioning, I'm merely referring to the incidents in relation to the defendant's effects on Mrs. Zagarella's business. I make no judgement on the act of people-eating. In fact, everyone who's eaten at least one person, raise your hand. SOUND: Shuffling as people start raising their hands. Parker: I count about 30 hands here.

Judge: I agree. We live in a frightening world. Please, continue.

Parker: Thank you, your honour. Anyway, Mrs. Zagarella - how exactly have the defendant's actions damaged your business?

Mama Zagarella: First they ate my nephew, Tony, and I let it slide because Riley was such a good customer. Then they ate my other nephew, Frankie, and I let it slide because Frankie was an asshole. But then...then they came for Jon. [she chokes up] Jon Wheeler was the best delivery boy I ever hired. He was like a son to me. He was my favourite, even over my own actual son. I'm sorry, Luigi, but you know it's true.

Luigi: [from the audience] Ma, he wasn't even your real son!

Mama Zagarella: Yeah, but he never drank on the job!

Parker: Mrs. Zagarella, I can see this is an emotional subject for you and your whole family.

Riley: Objection! I saved Jon from going to hell for video piracy!

Parker: That didn’t get him his job back though, did it? Judge: Quiet, you! Anyway, your objection is overruled.

Parker: Wonderful. Now that we've established all of that, I'll invite my colleague up to give their cross-examination.

Riley: I will gladly do that, thank you. SOUND: Riley stands up. Riley: Now, Mrs. Zagarella, if that is your real name- SOUND: Mama Zagarella whips out a pizza cutter. Mama Zagarella: Don't you come any closer to me! Don't talk to me, don't even look at me! I have a pizza cutter! I'll slice you like a deep dish, I swear to God! SOUND: Riley sits back down. Parker: No further questions, your honour.

Riley: Oh yeah? Well, I call my first character witness to the stand! Arcuni, get your ass up here! SOUND: Shaz takes the stand, while eating the last of a sandwich. Shaz: [mouth full] That was a little unprofessional, don’t you think?

Riley: I don’t. State your name for the record.

Shaz: Shannon Nagore Martinez Arcuni, that’s long for Shaz.

Parker: Objection. Is that a meatball sub?

Shaz: I'm sorry, am I the one being put on trial? Is it a crime to eat a fucking sandwich in this country?

Parker: Your honour, can we-

Judge: Overruled. That’s an excellent sandwich. Let them continue. SOUND: Shaz swallows and clears their throat.

Riley: So, Shaz, go on and tell the good people why, despite the fact that I am very mentally stable and extremely intelligent, you think I deserve to be allowed to live in the same house as my parents indefinitely.

Shaz: I think you would genuinely die if left to your own devices for too long.

Riley: Wrong! Incorrect! This isn't what we agreed on!

Shaz: But it's true! And honestly, sweetheart, it's the best argument anyone could possibly make in your favour. If you didn’t have some kind of supervision, your body would be found stuck in someone’s cat flap in a week.

Riley: You're grossly misrepresenting me. Start over.

Shaz: No. I'm right. You're the least stable person I've ever known. You should be here asking me to adopt you.

Riley: ADMIT THAT I’M SMART!

Parker: Objection. My colleague is leading the witness. SOUND: The judge makes gavel sounds. Judge: That's enough, Myxter Almanzor. Stop talking. Please. For all of us.

Riley: Fine. [grumbling, to Shaz] I’m ashamed to even know you, Shannon. [BEAT] Evelyn: Riley, you have to tag Parker in now. It’s like pro wrestling.

Riley: Oh, right. Uhhh....Matthews, go get 'em.

Parker: Thank you, I will. SOUND: Parker stands up.

Shaz: Go on, ginger, begin your cross-examination. You’ll have to torture me to make me talk.

Parker: This is neither the time nor the place for that.

Shaz: So you’re saying there is a time and a place for it? I like your style.

Parker: Mr. Arcuni, you're a friend of the Almanzor family.

Shaz: [Disappointed] Correct, I guess. Carmen Almanzor is my sister-in-law's aunt.

Parker: So you're pretty familiar with both the defendant and the plaintiff on a personal level.

Shaz: Correct.

Parker: And why have you chosen, of the two of them, to stand here as a character witness for the defendant?

Shaz: Because....my dear bitches, the bug-eyed being you see sitting before you, one Riley Almanzor, is not only goblin, and creacher, but also - definitively - babie. And that's B-a-b-i-e, your honour.

Judge: Thank you for clarifying the spelling of babie.

Shaz: You're welcome. Anywhom, every interaction I've ever had with Riley has made it painfully obvious that they're woefully underprepared for life among the living. I've personally seen them eat candles, and they wash their t-shirts in dish soap. As bad a parent as Carmen is, throwing them out onto the streets would be textbook babie endangerment.

Parker: I see what your point is, but I'm hesitant to accept any testimony from the ghoul who walked in here 20 minutes late, eating a meatball sub.

Shaz: Which I paid for. Just like I paid for my plane tickets. With money I earned. At my job. I'm a fully responsible adult, and I'm an excellent character witness, actually.

Parker: Is it true that you once guested on Less is Morgue while high on several drugs at once?

Shaz: I would like to clarify I was not high when I arrived. I merely became high because the co-host is a ghost, which, as we all know, no sober, living or mentally sane person can see. This proven scientific fact only further proves that I'm both alive and mentally sane. Parker: Fair enough. I can't technically say that you're wrong.

Shaz: No, you can't. All the evidence I'm presenting to you has pretty definitively shown that I'm a good character witness, and a stable adult, and, potentially, an excellent dad.

Riley: Objection. You can't adopt me. I'm older than you.

Judge: Overruled. That’s not the point of this trial.

Shaz: My point still stands.

Judge: Okay, your time is mercifully over. Go sit back down. SOUND: Shaz getting up and leaving the stand. Judge: [grumbling] I’m too hungover for this. [to Parker] Mr. Matthews, do you have another witness or will you be sparing us further torment?

Parker: Yes, your honour, I do. I call to the stand Captain Cishmale.

Riley: Oh son of a bitch, I thought we killed him!

Evelyn: You thought you and Chip killed him.

Riley: Semantics, Evelyn. Point is, the world is infinitely worse off for him continuing to exist in it.

Evelyn: Okay, that we can agree on. SOUND: Peg leg footsteps. Cishmale sits. Parker: State your name for the record.

Cishmale: Captain Heteratio Cishmale.

Parker: Now, Captain Cishmale, please explain to everyone here what your personal grievance with the defendant is.

Cishmale: Hark! ‘Tis a long and sordid tale. I met the defendant after I sailed through the gamer gate, following the destruction of my beautiful ship, the Pecker, by the monstrous breast known as...Moby Tit. It was a story as old and as natural as the sea: Man vs Boob.

Parker: And then?

Cishmale: This scallywag and their bosomy ghost companion joined me aboard the Pecker 2 - but instead of helping me slay the breast, and right the terrible wrong done unto me and me crew, they turned my cabin boy, Chip, against me, and shot me in the Facts! And that’s how I lost the Pecker 2, and my dignity. [Begins to weep] I’m not crying. I have allergies. It’s gay to cry.

Parker: Thank you, Captain, that will be more than enough [he clears his throat] Friends, here we have another clear-cut case of the defendant being a physical danger to the people around them. Look at this once proud sea captain, reduced to…

Cishmale: [Still Sobbing] No homo.

Parker: ...Whatever that is. I could continue this line of questioning for hours, but it would only prove what we already know - that Riley Almanzor is dangerous. [Sighs] Okay, he’s all yours, Almanzor. SOUND: Riley approaches the stand. Riley: Captain Cishmale, if that is your real name, the last time we saw each other, I had assumed you’d drowned after failing to harpoon the Moby Tit.

Cishmale: Oh, I survived, no thanks to you! It was my masculine ingenuity that won the day - I returned from being thrown into the depths by breathing nothing but my own farts for three days. When I got used to the taste, it was all smooth sailing. I surfaced as an even greater man, with a reinvigorated passion for revenge!

Riley: Cool, I hate that. Now, you continue to call yourself a sailor, despite no longer actively being the captain of a vessel of any kind. I don’t know about the rest of you, but that seems awfully dishonest.

Cishmale: Neptune’s asscrack, how dare you defame me this way! You may be able to take the sailor out of the navy, but you’ll never get the seaman out of me!

Riley: Valued colleagues, my associate, Mr. Matthews, has tried to convince you that I was unjustified in shooting this man in the testicle, but as you can clearly see, everything he says somehow manages to be the worst thing I’ve ever heard, every single time. Motion to disqualify the witness.

Judge: On what grounds?

Riley: He’s gross.

Judge: Motion carried.

Cishmale: Silenced again by the supposedly tolerant left! And you call this a courtroom! SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. Peg leg stomping and grumbling as Cishmale returns to his seat. Evelyn: Hey, Riley, I’ve got an idea. Riley: What?

Evelyn: How about you call me up as a witness?

Riley: I can’t do that.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: First of all, you’d have to possess me, and I’m sick of getting possessed for the sake of this stupid podcast. And secondly, I know you, Evelyn, you’re gonna go up there and you’re gonna say the same stuff that Shaz was saying about me being a creature and a baby and washing my clothes with dish soap, which I only did the one time, by the way.

Evelyn: Riley, you have to look at this realistically. You can’t just say ‘I deserve to live in my parents’ basement just because’. The only way you’re gonna win is by arguing that you can’t be trusted to live on your own.

Riley: But I don’t...want to do that? It’d be super humiliating!

Judge: Mx. Almanzor, do you have anything you’d like to share with the rest of us?

Riley: Yes. [they clear their throat] I would like to call myself as a witness.

Evelyn: Riley. Please.

Riley: Shut up, Evelyn, I’ve got this in the bag.

Parker: Alright, sure. So, Riley.

Riley: That is my name.

Parker: Some people in this courtroom might be concerned by the fact that you’ve been sitting here muttering to yourself this entire trial.

Riley: Yes, well, I definitely wasn’t talking to myself just now, because I don’t do that. I’m very stable. It’s just that there is a ghost that follows me around sometimes and gives me advice. I know you can see her, so don’t try and play that card.

Parker: Of course, I’m looking right at her. I’m just clarifying for the people who can’t see her. That would be Evelyn Hooper, your co-host?

Riley: Yes. Podcasting, by the way, is a real job, which is another reason why this suit is invalid. I’m currently making tens of dollars from patreon, a fact which the prosecco-

Evelyn, Judge and Parker: Prosecution.

Riley: -A fact which you have not brought up at any point during this trial.

Parker: I see. So, while I’ve been operating under the assumption that you have no independent source of income, you in fact are earning your own money on a reasonably regular basis?

Riley: Yes, so you can tell my trash garbage mom that I am contributing to the stupid economy.

Parker: So you… you could move out, if you wanted to? Hypothetically speaking. [BEAT] Riley: OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!

Parker: I don’t think I need to say anything else, friends. The defendant has been misleading this court about their so urce of income the entire time, they just admitted it, right now. No further questions. I call my next witness-

Riley: What about my cross examination?

Parker: You can’t cross examine yourself, Riley.

Riley: The hell I can’t! [in a slightly different voice] Hey, Riley, if that is your real name, do you think you should be allowed to live at home without paying rent? [in their normal voice] Yes, Riley, I do. Case closed. [BEAT] Riley: See? I did it. Fuck you.

Parker:...Anyway, I call my next witness, Brains Vincent. Who will be appearing from the flotation tank his severed head now lives in via Skype Link. SOUND: Skype call beep-boops. Here’s Brains! Brains: Heeey jury!

Parker: State your name, for the record.

Brains: Vincent Vincent, but my friends call me Brains.

Parker: So, Mr. Vincent, you were a successful beauty guru on Instagram and YouTube until just over a year ago, is that correct? Brains: Damn skippy.

Parker: Would you mind telling the court what specific incident caused you to abandon that career?

Brains: As you can see, I was devoured from the neck down. Without hands, I can no longer make my videos. I’ve had to move back in with my parents full time.

Parker: Ladies and gentlemen, that’s another person whose career and livelihood were ruined by the defendant’s actions. If they have that effect on strangers, imagine the stress that they cause to their own family.

Riley: Oh, motherfucker.

Evelyn: What?

Riley: Did you see that look he just gave me?

Evelyn: Yeah, he...did he just stick his tongue out at you?

Parker: Now, am I saying that Riley is to be blamed for their behaviour? Certainly not.

Riley: [quietly, with a lot of feeling] I know what he’s gonna try and pull.

Parker: Riley is, like all of us, a product of their upbringing.

Riley: SON OF A BITCH.

Parker: Mr. Vincent, before I hand you over to my colleague, how much time did you spend living in the medicine cabinet at 247 Mayhem Way?

Brains: About 4 weeks.

Riley: OBJECTION! I KNOW WHAT HE’S ABOUT TO DO AND I DON’T LIKE IT!

Judge: Overruled! Mr. Matthews, continue. I can only take this bullhonkey for so long.

Parker: How would you describe the general vibe of the Almanzor household?

Brains: In a word? Kind of a shitshow. Lot of arguing in that house. I could hear all of it through the pipes. Riley threatens to kill their parents on a near-daily basis, and Carmen regularly makes them cry. It's honestly heartbreaking. But then again, Riley did eat my entire body, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad for them.

Parker: And that, that, is the root of the problem. How could we expect anyone to develop into a well-adjusted member of society living in that kind of environment? The relationship between parent and child here is clearly not beneficial to either party - Riley is a powerful destructive force, but that is itself a result of Carmen's negative influence. And that is why the best course of action is obviously to separate them, by forcing Riley to move out. Now, I'll allow my colleague to cross-examine-

Riley: I will shit in your coffee, Matthews.

Parker: Why? I'm on your side here. I’m trying to get you out of an abusive home situation. Don't you agree with me?

Riley: I have never cried once in my entire life.

Brains: Yes, you have.

Riley: [to Brains] Shut up or I'll come to your house and eat the rest of you! SOUND: The jury gasps. Parker: You seem a little shaken up, Riley. Maybe you should skip this cross-examination- SOUND: Riley lets out an animalistic shriek and leaps across the courtroom towards Parker. The two of them start fighting. [ WEIRD AD TIME ] SOUND: A VHS slides into a VCR. Upbeat electronic music playing. Slightly fuzzy, Richard-Simmons-Esque retro-VHS audio begins to play. Klyle: Looking to get fit for summer? Improve your lifestyle? Get your legs so toned you could run away from your problems forever? Are you tired of trying fad diets and watching them fail every time, just like all your relationships? Well, the solution to all your problems is finally here! SOUND: Heavily modulated voice yelling ‘KLYLE’ Klyle: Hi, I’m Klyle, I’ve been training for over 300 years. People always ask me, ‘Hey Klyle, how did you get so stacked?’ and now, you can find out, using my 10-step method. My online course will cover cardio! SOUND: Treadmill running. Klyle: Self defense! SOUND: Punching. Klyle: Weights! SOUND: Weights being lifted. Klyle: One bicep curl! Two bicep curls! Three bicep curls! Ha-ha-ha! Plus so much more! You can find them all on my website - www. beefy the vampire trainer .com - for a monthly payment of 29.95. Plus, search for ‘Beefy the Vampire Trainer’ on instagram to find even more fitness tips and tricks, from me, Klyle! SOUND: Heavily modulated voice yelling ‘KLYLE.’

Klyle: In just six weeks, you too will be jacked enough to fight God for the crime of creating you! Ha-ha-ha! [He begins to cry]

SOUND: Heavily modulated voice yelling ‘KLYLE.’ Audio stops. VHS tape slides out of VCR. [ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ] SOUND: Parker and Riley are fighting. Riley: You piece of shit! Admit I’m a genius and I don’t cry! Admit it!

Parker: Brains was the one who said that you cry, why are you hitting me?

Riley: Because he doesn’t have a body to fight back with!

Brains: And whose fault is that in the first place?

Parker and Riley: Stay outta this, Brains! SOUND: Fabric ripping. Parker: Asshole! This was a new suit! SOUND: Parker bites Riley. Riley: Ow! SOUND: The judge starts making gavel noises. Judge: Order! Order! I can’t make the noises loud enough. God, this was supposed to be an easy decision. I should’ve followed my dreams and become a dancer-

Evelyn: Okay, listeners, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I gotta bring out the big guns. See, I was researching a little about pirates recently, and I learned that, in addition to being very good with finances, they also had their own maritime code. So...maybe this is a long shot, but I might know which of our old friends we can call on to help us out. SOUND: The sounds of Riley and Parker fighting continue in the background.

Mama Zagarella: Parker, use my pizza cutter! Do it for Jon!

SOUND: Evelyn clears her throat. Evelyn: [demonic] SPIRITS OF MONEY AND FINANCE, I INVOKE YOU TO COME TO OUR AID! SOUND: Blackbeard’s sea-shanty starts playing. Boom! He appears. Evelyn: Heck yeah! Just in time!

Blackbeard: Ahoy, Miss Evelyn!

Evelyn: Ahoy, Captain Teach! Thanks for showing up at such short notice.

Blackbeard: I didn’t expect we’d be speaking again so soon. How go yer finances?

Evelyn: Still not great, unfortunately. That’s not why I called you here. As you can tell, we’re in a courthouse right now.

Blackbeard: Aye, that we be. I swore I’d never set foot in one of these buildings during my lifetime, but hey, it no longer be my lifetime, so it’s all gravy. How can I be of service to ye, lass? Evelyn: Riley’s representing themself in court and it’s not going too well. I know that pirates had a lot of legal know-how, so I was hoping you could take over the case for us? We’ll owe you one.

Blackbeard: Hmm...This be quite the request to drop on me at such short notice. Typically, I’d need my first mate to serve as a paralegal while I develop me arguments.

Evelyn: I know, but I’ll fill you in while Riley’s over there suplexing the prosecution. Their mom is suing them to move out, but they have no money, and they can’t argue their way out of a paper bag. The prosecuting lawyer just made Riley appear emotionally vulnerable, so they started throwing down.

Riley: Ow, my ear! SOUND: Riley knees Parker in the crotch. He yelps.

Judge: You’re making a mockery of this court system, both of you!

Evelyn: We need you to make a compelling argument for why Riley deserves to stay at home with their parents! Preferably with a solid character witness! Please, Blackbeard - I promise we’ll return the favour!

Blackbeard: Is that a sailor’s promise?

Evelyn: I can give you a scout’s honour, will that do?

Blackbeard: Aye, So be it. I’m going in.

Evelyn: Yay! SOUND: Blackbeard possesses Riley. Parker: Uh...hey Riley? What just happened?

Riley-Blackbeard: Yarr, get off of me, ye scurvy dog!

Parker: [genuinely worried] ...How hard did I hit you?

Evelyn: That’s Blackbeard’s ghost!

Parker: I’m sorry? SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. Judge: Can someone please explain to me what’s going on?

Riley-Blackbeard: Judge, wenches and mateys of the courtroom, my name is Edward Teach, Captain of the Queen Anne’s Revenge, better known to all you landlubbers as Blackbeard. I have commandeered this vessel by request of the defendant.

Parker: Objection. You can’t just-

Judge: Overruled. Let’s see what he has to say.

Riley-Blackbeard: I realise that it may be unorthodox, but I be doin’ it for Riley’s own good. They’re as unfit for legal battle as a 2001 honda civic is for seafaring.

Cishmale: How dare you! The Pecker 3 is a fine and manly vessel! SOUND: The Judge makes gavel sounds. Judge: Order in the court! I’ve had it up to here with everyone’s shit today! Mr. Teach, continue.

Riley-Blackbeard: Arrgh, Mr. Vincent, though what you say be true, and there be much anger and disagreement in the Almanzor home, do ye believe that the defendant is entirely unhappy with their living situation?

Brains: Uhh, no. I guess not. They're not the best at self care, but they get by. If they could avoid interacting with their mom during the day they were generally happy. They seem to really like that basement, for some reason. And their dad isn't the worst.

Riley-Blackbeard: Aye, and there be the truth of the matter. Wenches and mateys of the courtroom, this be not a simple issue to resolve. Perhaps the defendant's mother is a salty trollop. But it would be folly to believe that just because a child be above the age of eighteen, the solution be to force them out. The plaintiff be offerin' no financial assistance, and the defendant has no other support network.

Shaz: [from the back of the room] My adoption offer still stands.

Evelyn: No, it doesn't!

Riley-Blackbeard: This case be not one for the court system. In this pirate's humble opinion, ye be more in need of family counselling. For my final character witness, I call to the stand- William Beauregard Slaughter.

Evelyn: Wait...who? SOUND: Bubba grunts unintelligibly before approaching the stand. Evelyn: Bubba's not his real name? SOUND: Bubba takes the stand. NOTE: all of Bubba’s ‘lines’ are via text-to-speech generator and should be accompanied by iPad typing noises. Riley-Blackbeard: State your name for the record.

Bubba: William Slaughter, but my friends call me Bubba.

Riley-Blackbeard: Thank you. And how, Mr. Slaughter, do ye assess the defendant's character?

Bubba: I think the accusations being leveled at you- I mean, at Riley- are completely baseless. And, I can say from personal experience that these accusations are made based on prejudice and petty family drama, not based on any real facts.

Riley-Blackbeard: So, Mr. Slaughter, ye be sayin’ that Riley’s situation be not unlike yer own.

Bubba: Yes sir. My father treats me about as well as Carmen treats her offspring. When I was 7 he made me stand on the roof and hold the TV antenna during a thunderstorm so he wouldn’t miss the Cowboys v Patriots game. I recognise the patterns of abuse here. Luckily I’ve had the support of my older brother but without that I think I’d be just as maladjusted as Riley. No offense.

Riley-Blackbeard: And what do ye say to the claims of the defendant being dangerous to themself and others?

Bubba: I think they’re extremely overblown and ableist. Speaking as someone with my own difficulties in communication and socialisation, I think that many people fear those of us who don’t adhere to normal social codes. If Carmen Almanzor and the people here arguing on her behalf today took the time to consider Riley’s point of view, they’d understand that if they were in similar situations, they’d probably commit some light murder as well.

Riley-Blackbeard: Thank ye fer that moving testimony, Mr. Slaughter. That will be all from me, yer honour.

Judge: Very well. Mr. Matthews? [BEAT] Parker: [slightly rattled by Blackbeard’s competence as a lawyer] Yep, cool. SOUND: He clears his throat. Parker: So, Mr. Slaughter- you work for your father at the Last Chance Texas Style BBQ, and you’ve never once had a problem with the defendant?

Bubba: Yes, sir.

Parker: I just find that interesting, because every other witness I’ve called up today has maintained that Riley is unstable and dangerous to, at the very least, the livelihood if not the actual lives of everyone around them.

Bubba: As I very clearly stated, those claims are wildly exaggerated.

Parker: I see. Can you clarify where you think the misunderstanding comes from?

Bubba: Once again, I said this already to the defence. It comes from an unwillingness to communicate or empathise with someone whose disability makes normal social rules irrelevant.

Parker: But regardless of mental illness, isn’t it also true that-

Bubba: Please let me finish, I have to type all of these words out. Anyway, if you keep framing actions that are a result of trauma, poor socialisation, and mental illness as dangerous to others, you’re taking the focus of the argument away from how Riley is the one who’s in the most vulnerable position. Framing them as the aggressor and trying to force them out isn’t going to solve anything. That doesn’t change the fact that the world isn’t suited to accomodate people like Riley.

Parker: Well, Mr. Slaughter, you’ve made a surprisingly articulate point. I will give you that. So, let’s say, hypothetically, you’re right. By extension, that would mean everyone here that Riley killed, or maimed, or shot in the balls is actually in the wrong.

Bubba: That’s exactly what I’m saying. For example, Riley likely wouldn’t have killed so many delivery boys if Zagarella’s pizza didn’t encourage their employees to walk into houses without knocking.

Parker: Really? [pause] Mrs. Zagarella, is that true?

Mama Zagarella: I mean, yeah, if the door’s open I don’t think you should have to knock. Come to think of it, maybe that is a security risk...

Parker: Duly noted. But what about Brains Vincent? He did nothing to provoke Riley, his only crime was being undead.

Brains: Well, actually, I listened to Less is Morgue episode 2, and before I showed up, Riley was very obviously suffering from extreme hunger, and Evelyn kept ignoring them. That one’s totally her fault.

Evelyn: Wow. Way to throw me under the bus, Brains.

Bubba: Do you see what I mean?

Parker: And as for Captain Cishmale-

Cishmale: [from the back] Women can’t drive!

Parker: You know what, no, I buy that one. Mr. Slaughter- can I call you William?

Bubba: No sir, you may not.

Parker: Mr. Slaughter, you’ve presented a very thoughtful argument. Thank you.

Judge: Alright, I think it’s about time we wrapped this trial up, because this nihilistic joke has already taken way longer than it should have in the first place. We’ll take a brief recess, then when we come back, I will announce my verdict. SOUND: Shuffling around as the trial breaks up. SOUND: Blackbeard un-possesses Riley Evelyn: Thanks a million, Captain Teach.

Blackbeard: Yarr, it were no trouble at all, Miss Evelyn. But I best be takin’ my leave now, I have to pick Montague up from the vet. He’s off gettin’ his beak cleaned. SOUND: Blackbeard vanishes with an echoing scurvy laugh. Riley: Ow, my head...Fucking hell, Hooper, did you possess me? Because I swear to god-

Evelyn: No, Riley, Blackbeard did!

Riley: What? Hold on - Parker!

Parker: Yeah?

Riley: Is she telling the truth?

Parker: Oh, yeah, Blackbeard’s ghost replaced you for the last chunk of the trial. He was really good. Like, I don’t know why you guys didn’t get him from the beginning if he’s cool with doing pro-bono work like that. Evelyn: Well, you know...Riley’s Riley. Riley: And I refuse to change!

Parker: That’s painfully obvious. Riley: So, what was the gist of his argument? Evelyn: I don’t know if we should tell you. Best just wait and see if we won first. Riley: Alright, fine. Bailiff: All rise.

SOUND: People standing.

Judge: Thank you, everyone. I have come to a decision. Now - this seemed pretty cut and dry when it started. A simple case of ‘shithead millennial refusing to be an adult’. But it turned out to be much more complex than that. Valued colleagues, it’s my opinion that, yes, Riley Almanzor is violent, delusional, pig-headed and severely antisocial. And yes, a lot of that is the result of Carmen Almanzor’s neglectful and emotionally abusive parenting. I would also agree that perhaps, in theory, separating them would be the best course of action. But to quote the insightful interpretation of Mr. William Slaughter-

SOUND: Bubba squeals.

Judge: - the world is not suited to accommodate people like Riley, and that is a fault of the system, not a moral failure of the individual. This trial has proven that the plaintiff and defendant are both awful people, but at least Riley has an excuse. Yes, Riley causes constant problems for everyone, but Carmen created this monster and has no right to try and sue her mistakes away. Therefore, it’s my opinion that Riley be allowed to stay in the Almanzor household for as long as they choose, with the proviso that they attend family counseling sessions and pay a small percentage of their Patreon earnings as rent. We’ll review this in about a year and change, but for now, I think we all just wanna go home and enjoy our Fridays.

SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. People start leaving the courtroom.

SOUND: Parker sighs.

Parker: Well, an attempt was made. It’s been nice knowing you two.

SOUND: Riley makes an incredulous noise.

Evelyn: Aw, it’s fine, Parker - you did your best and that’s what matters. Riley: Speaking of which, have you thought about which hand you wanna lose? Parker: I mean, I guess the left one? Riley: Now that you’ve said that, she’s gonna go for the right.

SOUND: Approaching running footsteps, a slicing sound, followed by a squirt of blood and a dull thump as Parker’s hand is severed at the wrist.

Parker: Mother fucker! Riley: See what I mean? [ yelling off to the side ] Nobody’s impressed, mom! You’re just giving me more ammunition for family counselling! Evelyn: How did she get here so fast? Riley: Doesn’t matter…she’s just taken the car and left with dad, so I guess we’re taking the bus home. Let’s go.

SOUND: Riley picks up Parker’s severed hand.

Parker: Hey, how about you give me back my hand so I can -

SOUND: Riley bites off a finger and eats it.

Parker: Okay, I guess not. Riley: [chewing] Hey, Parker...No hard feelings.

END OF EPISODE