Episode 131: Giving Up The Ghost
Finally deciding to free Jon from the bathroom, Riley and Evelyn hire a series of exorcists to get the job done, to extremely mixed results.
+transcript
SOUND: Toilet flush.
Evelyn: Couldn’t you have pressed record after you did that?
Riley: Evelyn, when nature calls, you don’t put it on hold.
Evelyn: That doesn’t answer my question.
Riley: Hello everyone. Welcome to the Less Is Morgue Season 1 finale.
Evelyn: You’re not even going to wash your hands?
SOUND: Jon sighs.
Pizza Ghost Jon: They never do.
Riley: We figured, before we claw our way into whatever bull shit insanity season two holds for us, we’d take the time to tie up some loose ends first. That’s why we’re recording in the bathroom today, a creative decision which I’m sure will attract an entirely new kind of fan. As always, Jon is here in the bathroom with us. Say hi, Jon.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Hey everyone, it’s Jon. I really don’t want to be here right now.
Riley: Which, incidentally, is exactly why we’re here today: Getting Jon out of the John.
Evelyn: We’re having the first live podcast exorcism! Yay!
Pizza Ghost Jon: You record these a week in advance. And I don’t get what’s so “live” about it when two thirds of us are dead.
Riley: Soon to be half, Jon, soon to be half.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Why now? And not, you know, a year ago?
Riley: I had bigger things going on. Like, I don’t know. Editing a whole podcast by myself?
Evelyn: Riley, everyone is proud of you, you don’t need to flex.
Pizza Ghost Jon: That takes up two days out of every two weeks. You had time to get me out of here.
Riley: I ran out of spoons. Sue me.
Pizza Ghost Jon: You only needed to make one phone call. “Hello, holy father, my bathroom has a dead pizza boy in it. Please let him go to heaven.”
Riley: You know I’m afraid of talking on the phone, Jon. And priests refuse to be in the same house as my mom. She makes bibles burst into flames.
Pizza Ghost Jon: That explains a lot about you.
Riley: Hey! I am nothing like that harpy-
Evelyn: Look, Jon, I think it’s totally reasonable that you’re upset. As members of the “Eaten By Riley Club”, I feel like we can talk about this. We’re in the same boat here.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Actually, Evelyn, there’s one big difference: I was eaten alive!
Riley: Okay! We get it! I did a bad thing, and I acknowledge that. In my defence, the whole “eating people alive” thing definitely got better after episode two, but that doesn’t excuse what I did to you, Jon.
Pizza Ghost Jon: That’s a start, I guess.
Riley: So! I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a solution. But first, let’s-
SOUND: Riley cut off by the intro music.
Riley: Do the intro. Evelyn?
Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means you survived all the way to the season one finale! That’s better than me, Jon, The Children of the All-Knowing Milton, Ryan Loeball, the campers from Camp One Counselor, Norm, Jordy P, Captain Cishmale, and Brian Wilson, the Ranger. And now to list the deaths that happened off-mic-
Riley: How about we don’t do that?
Evelyn: Okay, we’ll save it for Patreon!
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’ve seen things this year. Terrible things.
Riley: A bureaucrat once came down here and tried to check Evelyn’s Ghost License. I ate his liver with some animal crackers and a carton of apple juice. [Hannibal Lecter Noise] I’m Riley, Your Best Ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, Your Ghost Host With The Most!
[BEAT]
Riley: [Whisper] Jon, say something.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m Jon. I’m also a ghost. And I’m eternally trapped in this porcelain hell.
Riley: But not for long! Cause my brilliant, perfectly smooth brain has devised a strategy to get you safely out of here, and into whatever afterlife pizza boys who die on the job go to.
Evelyn: What’s the plan, Riles? Are we gonna google incantations again?
Riley: No, last time we did that we ended up saddled with that creepy electrician.
Evelyn: Oh, right. We don’t have a great track record with magic on this show.
Riley: Exactly. Sometimes, Ev, when you want a job done right, you need to contact the professionals. Thankfully, there were two of them stationed at the Tallahassee Community College. I found them on Facebook.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Great. So you’ve hired some weird freelance warlocks to come and play hacky-sack with my immortal soul?
Riley: These ghost removers are actually highly-scientific - and not shill science, like calories or statistics. I’m talking about real science. With beakers and shit.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Well, if that doesn’t just fill me with confidence…
Evelyn: How about we all just try to maintain a positive mental attitude? We’re more likely to achieve our goals if we all work together and hope for the best.
Pizza Ghost Jon: This bathroom is my Vietnam, Evelyn. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Riley: If we can put the pity party on hold for a second, I’m gonna give the ghost-removers a call and see what their rates are. I’ll pause the recording.
SOUND: The recording is paused. Then comes back. The toilet flushes again. Zipper zips up.
Riley: See, Evelyn, this is why getting hydrated is government propaganda. You can’t fight the power when you need to piss constantly.
Evelyn: How did the call go?
Riley: The call?
Pizza Ghost Jon: The ghost remover call?
Riley: Oh yeah! They should be here any time now.
SOUND: In the distance, a door opens, and two sets of footsteps enter the main basement.
Regina: My god, Delaney, the EMF readings are off the chart, it’s an unprecedented level of spirit energy. We’re looking at a KC-Class Haunting here.
Delaney: There’s nobody in here, just hundreds of bones! And is this some kind of ancient, cursed tome on the table?
Regina: “The Sword of R’lyeh…” Definitely seems eldritch in nature, but these strange glyphs it’s written in are unreadable...
Delaney: It feels like a trap. Do you think the ghosts called us here, Regina?
Regina: Unsure. The voice on the phone definitely sounded dead inside.
SOUND: The two of them stumble through the basement.
Riley: Aaaaand that’ll be them. [Calling Out] Hey, we’re in the bathroom!
Delaney: Oh fuck, it’s the ghosts! They’re trying to communicate!
Regina: That’s illogical. Ghosts rarely, if ever, defecate.
Riley: Not a ghost! I’m a ghoul, and I’m waiting for you in the bathroom. Please come in!
Delaney: What if they died pooping?
Regina: This could be an Eterna-Poop Situation. That’s an Elvis-Class Event.
Delaney: Should we engage Protocol Number 2?
Regina: I don’t see how that would… Oh, I get it. You’re pulling my leg.
Pizza Ghost Jon: And you say these two are scientists?
Evelyn: Remember, Jon, scientists only need to be super smart at one thing. They might be geniuses when it comes to ghost removal!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Notice how even you had to throw a “might” in there, Evelyn.
Riley: Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’ll go get them.
SOUND: Bathroom door opens.
Riley: Hey, Pinky and the Brain, we’re in here!
SOUND: Regina and Delaney scream.
Regina: Dear lord, it’s an aggressive corporeal being!
Delaney: It’s hideous! Look at the size of the eyes!
Riley: I live here, assholes, I’m the one who called you!
Regina: It appears that the occupying spirit has shrouded your physical form in some kind of nightmarish glamour.
Delaney: And it’s anything but glamorous!
Riley: I called you here to get rid of ghosts, not my self-esteem. Get in here.
SOUND: Riley hustles the two of them into the room. Door slams behind them.
Regina: Impressive physical strength, despite the wiry stature. This would make an interesting thesis paper. What did you say you were again?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Calling it now - this is gonna fail. Hard.
Evelyn: You don’t know that for sure.
Pizza Ghost Jon: They can’t even hear us, that’s a red flag.
Delaney: Holy crap, that stench. Oh my god.
Regina: The olfactory readings are off the charts.
Delaney: It’s like if a shit took a shit.
Regina: A classic AVGN-Class scenario.
SOUND: Riley snaps their fingers angrily.
Riley: Hello? Can we have some focus here, please? There’s a ghost you need to bust.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Can we not say “bust”? Doesn’t make me feel good.
Evelyn: Yeah, it feels kinda negative.
Riley: Shhh! I’m just using the official lingo.
Delaney: Was that the ghost you just responded to? Do you have the sight?
Regina: This would explain the freakish color and circumference of the optical sensors. I-Class Scenario, for sure.
Riley: Look, this pizza ghost has been in my bathroom for over a year. Since then, I have not known peace. Every shit is a battle. Snakes have manifested physically in my home - and not the tasty kind, the ouchy kind! I brought you here under the assumption that you’d be able to help me with this, not treat me like a lab rat in my own fucking home. Do you understand?
[BEAT]
Regina: Pizza Ghost, you say? That’s a whole different scenario. Do we have a class for that, Delaney?
Delaney: Depends. Is the ghost italian?
Riley: He’s Black.
Pizza Ghost Jon: You can be both, Riley. Like Giancarlo Esposito.
Regina: Was pizza the cause of his death?
Delaney: If it was, we need a list of every topping.
Riley: I mean...In a manner of speaking…
Regina: I just upgraded this haunting from “Casper” to “Overlook Hotel” Class. It’s looking like we’ll need to use the Total Atomic Vaporizer.
Pizza Ghost Jon: The total what!?
Evelyn: Vaporize whom!?
Riley: Uh...That sounds dangerous. I was thinking a little more...humane?
Delaney: Oh, it’s very humane, total annihilation in two eighths of a nanosecond, they won’t even know they’re double-dead.
Riley: Whoa, whoa, whoa, double-dead? This really isn’t what I ordered!
SOUND: The machine starting up.
Delaney: What was that? I can’t hear you over the machine!
Riley: You can’t just vaporise the ghosts! One of them is my friend, and I’ve already dicked the other one over enough!
Regina: Two ghosts? Fascinating. This will be an excellent test of the TAV’s power.
Evelyn: Riley, do something! I don’t wanna be vaporised!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Seconded!
Delaney: Five seconds till vaporisation!
Riley: Ugh. I’m never gonna leave this bathroom again, am I?
SOUND: Riley eats the Total Atomic Vaporizer. The sound is muffled, and then stops.
Regina: Dear god, they swallowed the Total Atomic Vaporizer.
Delaney: What possessed them to do that? [gasps] You don’t think…?
Evelyn: Riley! You did it! You saved us both!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Thanks fo r not being responsible for my second death.
Riley: [Whining] My tummy hurts.
Regina: The fact that you’re still alive after that is a medical marvel. Easily an MCU-Class scenario. Mind if I conduct some tests?
Riley: I’m about five minutes away from a bowel movement that might vaporise the Northern Hemisphere. I suggest you leave.
Delaney: I’m guessing we’re not getting paid for this one?
Regina: Don’t worry, Delaney. We’ll send the bill later. This is an IOU-Class-
Riley: FUCK OFF!
SOUND: Frantic footsteps, door slams.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Professionals, right?
Riley: Not a word, Jonny. Not a fucking word. I just ate a doomsday weapon for you. [Grunts in pain]. This is the mother of all heartburn.
Evelyn: Okay, that may not have gone exactly as well as we expected. But! I still think we’re generally moving in the right direction.
Riley: Oh, really? In that case, it’s your turn, Evelyn.
Pizza Ghost Jon: You’re the one who almost got us vaporised, Riley!
Riley: I HAVE BORNE THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS.
Evelyn: Fine. Simmer down, everybody. When life gives you indigestion, it also gives you: Evelyn Hooper!
Riley: Truer words have never been spoken.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Guess it can’t be any worse than having my atoms pulled apart.
Evelyn: That’s the spirit!
SOUND: Riley groans.
Evelyn: Come on, Riles, it wasn’t that bad.
Riley: That’s not the problem. Turn off the recording, I need a minute.
SOUND: Recording is turned off. Then back on. Then the toilet flushes again.
Evelyn: Feeling any better?
Riley: Marginally. Hey, Ev, you went to college. Do you know how to reconstruct atoms?
Evelyn: Riley, I was an English major.
Riley: Okay, so the medicine cabinet’s fucked, then.
Evelyn: I may not be able to un-vaporise the cabinet, but I have something to help Jon get out of the bathroom!
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’ll keep my expectations low.
Riley: Spill the beans. What’s your solution?
Evelyn: Good vibes!
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m so hosed.
Evelyn: More specifically, someone who will definitely not try to annihilate our ectoplasmic forms. She’s apparently a pretty huge deal in the paranormal community, and she’s written three books! She’s like a spiritual leader, I think.
Riley: Sounds culty.
Evelyn: She also does a lot of public speaking.
Riley: My point still stands.
Evelyn: And she probably won’t spend half her time here insulting you.
Riley: Well, that sounds like a step up at least. Where is she?
SOUND: Mystical chime. Zen choir.
Dr. Swanson: I’m already here, my children.
Riley: Holy fuck. Don’t startle me like that, I could level the block.
Dr. Swanson: Calm yourself, young one. All will be at peace. I’m Dr. Elaine Swanson, M.D, PhD, MSG. Author, Thought-Leader, Paranormal Philanthropist, Dream Weaver.
Evelyn: And according to your Wikipedia, one time organic restaurant owner.
Dr. Swanson: We don’t speak of that anymore. It’s all in the ether now.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I have no idea what’s going on.
Dr. Swanson: I heard your call, Evelyn, so here I am. I’m about to solve all your problems.
Eveyln: We’re so glad you could join us! How did you do it?
Dr. Swanson: Astral Projection. It’s really not so difficult.
Riley: So we’ve been told.
Dr. Swanson: The trick is [audio interruption] Anyway-
Evelyn: Uh...You broke up a little there, Dr. Swanson.
Riley: Yeah, this room has kind of a shitty connection. It’s why I stopped trying to stream Professor Huh while I’m on the toilet.
Dr. Swanson: It’s all fine, dears. We’ll fight through it - After all, isn’t anything good worth fighting for?
Evelyn: She’s so profound. I knew this was the right decision!
Dr. Swanson: There is a pain in this house. And a resentment - a burning, burning resentment. A hate, even. This person hates being here with every fibre of their being. They wish they could [Audio Glitch] the person who owns this place.
Riley: Could you repeat that last one?
Pizza Ghost Jon: [Cutting Riley Off] Yeah, yeah, that’ll be me, Dr. Swanson.
Dr. Swanson: What’s your name, my child?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Jon. Jon Wheeler.
Dr. Swanson: What happened to you, Jon? We can’t treat you if we don’t fully understand what ails you first.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Well...Riley ate me while I was trying to deliver them a pizza. Then a demon almost took me to Hell-
Dr. Swanson: The Underworld, honey. Hell is the whole of it, the entire infernal plane. The Underworld is where they punish sinners.
Pizza Ghost Jon:...Okay. Well, my sin was apparently downloading movies and stuff illegally, so I almost got sent to The Underworld. But instead, I got stuck in here. For a year.
Dr. Swanson: I can feel your pain, Jon. You’ve been here too long. You seek freedom, don’t you?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh God, Yes! I need to get out of this nightmare. After being here for a year, I kind of regret not just going downstairs.
Evelyn: It is actually pretty nice these days.
Dr. Swanson: You died too young, Jon. You want to move on, but you’re not yet ready to shed the world of sensation. There’s more you want to do here. You need a new earthly body.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I mean, it would be nice to have another shot at things, I guess. I wasn’t exactly satisfied with where I was when everything ended.
Dr. Swanson: You had more potential. That time was stolen from you by a monster of some kind, wasn’t it? Some sort of disgusting, vicious beast?
Riley: I’m right here!
Dr. Swanson: Ignore that, they’re bringing negative energy into the room. Would you like a second chance at life, Jon?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Of course I would, but I don’t even know if it’s possible.
Dr. Swanson: Oh, it’s possible, Jon, and anyone can do it. And it all starts with putting your faith into something bigger than yourself.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Like...God?
SOUND: Dr. Swanson laughs.
Dr. Swanson: No, no, no, my child. I’m talking about the Demon Prince Asmodeus, the mighty lord of the pleasures of the flesh.
Pizza Ghost Jon:...Beg your pardon?
Dr. Swanson: Prince Asmodeus, the king of experience. The dark stallion garbed in silken robes. The hungry flame that flickers in all mortal souls. If you put your trust, faith, and loyalty in him, anything is possible!
[Beat]
Riley: Uh, Evelyn? You said she wrote three books - what are the titles?
Evelyn: Lemme check...Oh.
Riley: What?
Evelyn: “Worshipping Asmodeus For A Better Sex-Life”, “Asmodeus Worshipping For Dummies”, and “The Bitch for Asmodeus: A Memoir.”
Riley: We really need to start doing better background checks for these people.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Look, Dr. Swanson, I appreciate that you’re trying to help me here, but I’m not sure I want to commit to swearing my allegiance to Asmodeus. I mean, my parents are Methodists. When they die, they’ll kill me!
Dr. Swanson: Don’t buy into all the propaganda, my child. Asmodeus only wants the best for you. He’s the most benevolent and beautiful of the seven Demon Princes. If you want to be reincarnated into a new body, by his glorious will, you can be.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Alright...How would I do it?
Dr. Swanson: Simple, dear. First, you get a child and a sacrificial dagger-
Pizza Ghost Jon: Okay, nope, no, we’re done here.
Dr. Swanson: Isn’t anything worth doing also worth spilling a little virgin blood on a goat-skeleton altar? It’s a matter of thinking positively, Jon-
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m feeling REALLY uncomfortable right now.
Dr. Swanson: You can [audio glitch] a child of Asmodeus [audio glitch] consecrate [audio glitch] the best peach cobbler you ever ate [audio glitch].
SOUND: The astral projection call drops. Silence. Jon sighs in relief.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Thank God, she’s gone. What happened?
Riley: Like I told you, the astral connection is crappy in the bathroom. The call must’ve dropped.
Evelyn: That was probably for the best. Sorry, everybody, I should’ve been a little more careful.
Riley: Don’t beat yourself up, Ev, you were trying your best. Nobody can fault you for that.
SOUND: Riley groans in pain.
Evelyn: You okay, Riles?
Riley: Yeah, still having some trouble with the Total Atomic Vaporizer. [Burps] Why didn’t I just smash it?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Cause you have a nasty habit of eating stuff without thinking?
Riley: Okay, Okay, I deserved that. Man, I need to get some fucking pepto. I’ll be right back, keep Jon entertained.
SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps fade into the distance.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Evelyn, you have the patience of a saint. I don’t know how you’ve been able to put up with direct Riley contact for over a year without going crazy.
Evelyn: I know you two got off on the wrong foot, Jon.
Pizza Ghost Jon: They ate my foot! They ate my everything!
Evelyn: But they’re a lot nicer than you think they are.
Pizza Ghost Jon: [Scoffs] Citation needed.
Evelyn: They helped me get through a rough break up, they rescued me from some tiny mad scientists. Heck, they saved the whole universe from Morby!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Okay, that last one is pretty compelling, but still...Aren’t they kind of an asshole?
Evelyn: They definitely have a rough, abrasive exterior, like a shark, but when you get past that…
Pizza Ghost Jon: They eat you alive.
Evelyn: Now you’re just being unfair.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Are you really happy down here? In someone else’s dark, dingy, creepy-as-hell basement? Is this really what you want to do with your afterlife, Evelyn? Or are you just looking for the positives cause you know you don’t have a choice?
[Beat]
Pizza Ghost John: Well?
Evelyn: I don’t know, Jon. I guess I just try not to think about it.
Pizza Ghost Jon: It’s all I've had to think about. Every single day. So sorry if I’m not exactly all smiles.
SOUND: Footsteps approach the door. It opens - Riley returns.
Evelyn: Hey, Riles. Feeling better?
Riley: Yes and no. My stomach is feeling better, but I can feel a pretty strong migraine coming on.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh yeah? How come?
Riley: I found this waiting for me at the door…
SOUND: The door creaks open a little further.
Erik: Greetings, one and all. It is I, the magnificent Erik D’Corah, here to save the day!
Evelyn: Oh no. Not him again…
Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh shit! I know this guy! I went to his Vegas show for my birthday in 2019.
Erik: I trust you had a phenomenal time, Old Sport.
Pizza Ghost Jon: No, it was terrible. You jumped into the crowd and shanked a guy for recording the show on his phone.
Erik: Well, you win some, you lose some. What can you do?
Evelyn: Wait...You just responded to Jon! You can perceive us!?
Erik: Of course I can! I’ve reached the marvellous height of my psychic powers. I can see further than ever before, like a pair of devilishly handsome binoculars.
Riley: “Further than ever before” is a pretty low bar for a phony psychic.
Erik: On the contrary, Riley, I’ve always been an incredible psychic.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, and I’m Naruto.
Erik: Take heed! Do you remember the predictions I gave you in episode two?
Riley: Those glorified shitposts, you mean?
Erik: Think, Almanzor, think! Do you remember prediction one?
Riley: I dunno. A witch will take my bones?
SOUND: Evelyn gasps.
Evelyn: Riley! That actually happened! Lilith took all your bones in episode fourteen!
Erik: Yes, Miss Hooper, Yes! And the second one?
Evelyn: Beware the ukulele?
Riley: Holy shit. Jordy P tried to kill us all with his ukulele when we went to camp!
Erik: Vindication! It feels so grand.
Riley: Okay, Cool your jets, buckeroo. Your third prediction was bullshit - No event of dimension-destroying proportions happened in the basement!
Erik: Ah, but you did make a new friend!
Riley: [Grumbles] Okay, that’s true.
Evelyn: Yay! Acknowledgement!
Erik: Face it, Old Sport, I’m an exceptional clairvoyant.
Riley: But you’re a below-average medium. How come you can actually talk to ghosts now?
Erik: That’s a rather epic tale in and of itself.
Pizza Ghost Jon: We’ve got an eternity to hear it.
Erik: Okay then. Gather round and listen close, my friends. Prepare for a story of highs and lows, of tragedy and redemption. Of addiction and recovery, of despair and hope, of darkness and light, night and day, good and evil, left and right, Coke and Pepsi-
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Bad, royalty free French horn.
Moof: This is the sound of Moof, and his three-hundred-year-Old French horn, believed to have been made from the armour of William the Conqueror himself. It would kill a lesser musician, but not Moof. He has mastered the beast.
SOUND: Bad horn-playing continues.
Moof: You can listen to Moof’s new album, “We Are All Moof”, on Spotify right now. Moof has called himself “The sound of a generation” and “the greatest French horn player who ever lived.” You will see God when you listen to Moof, and you will find the similarities striking.
SOUND: People begin to boo the French horn sounds.
Moof: I’ve also been told he’s dazzlingly handsome, and he has a huge dick. I’m not Moof, but I wish I was. He’s just really, really great. Stream my album- I mean his album, right now, only on Spotify.
SOUND: The booing and French horn begin to fade.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Erik: Long story short, I got the Lasik, and I can perceive ghosts now!
Pizza Ghost Jon: That story could have been at least an hour shorter.
Evelyn: I feel like I know less than I did before.
Erik: Are they always this rude?
Riley: Depends on the day.
Evelyn: So you think now you could use your new ghost skills to help free Jon from the bathroom, Mr. D’Corah?
Erik: Most definitely, my dear! I’m a thousand times the medium I used to be. With your permission, I can work my glorious magic and free Mr. Wheeler from his earthly bonds, so he can take his rightful place in The Beyond!
Riley: What do you think, Jon?
Pizza Ghost Jon: If it works, I’ll take anything right now.
Erik: That’s what I like to hear! Now, a small formality - I’ll need you to sign this contract.
SOUND: A loud thump.
Evelyn: Oh my goodness!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Fuck.
Riley: That’s not a contract, that’s a Stephen King novel. Do you really expect us to read that whole thing?
Erik: Of course not. Don’t be intimidated by the size. It’s mostly legalese. All Lorum Ipsums and Mea Culpas. More for me than you - I’ve learned to cover my ass since the Tulsa McClane incident.
Riley: Ugh, fine. You got a pen?
Erik: Of course, my dear.
SOUND: Pen scrawling.
Erik: Perfect. Just sign there, and here, and there, and under the picture of the clown, and sign your name backwards on this one. Initial there. A small self-portrait there. Your star sign there, your mother’s maiden name there, and your age and eye colour there.
SOUND: Pen scrawling ceases.
Erik: Splendid! We’re good to go, Old Sport.
Riley: Great, I feel like I need to give my hand a rest after that.
Pizza Ghost Jon: So, what happens now?
Erik: Just stand back and watch me work my magic. Worry not! You’ll be free of this horrible place in a jiffy!
Evelyn: This is so exciting, I can’t believe Erik is actually competent now!
Riley: I’m still feeling a little incredulous about it.
SOUND: Erik claps his hands together twice.
Erik: Silence! I must have complete focus. Exorcism rituals are extremely delicate procedures. [Clears Throat] Adeo facile decipi! Ego consequi ultioni subiaceas! Eius anima mea est!
Riley: Any idea what he’s saying, Ev?
Evelyn: No idea! But it sounds super official!
Erik: I beseech the forces of above and below to shatter the bindings of this tortured soul! To place his wretched incorporeal form under my charge, and rend his last tether to corporeality! NOW!
SOUND: A magical BOOM! A few seconds of silence as things settle.
Evelyn: Do you feel any different, Jon?
Pizza Ghost Jon: I feel...lighter. More mobile, like...I’m not stuck here anymore. Holy shit, this actually might have worked!?
Riley: Did Erik Fucking D’Corah actually just save the day, or am I just hallucinating this while I suffer from a Total Atomic Vaporizer-induced stroke?
Evelyn: No, Riley, he actually did it! It’s incredible.
SOUND: Erik chuckles.
Erik: Not quite, Old Sport.
SOUND: Erik’s chuckle becomes a full-blown laugh. A straight-up cackle. His laugh soon becomes the laugh of Satan.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m getting extremely bad vibes righ t now.
SOUND: Demonic, fiery sound effects as Erik completes his transformation.
Satan: You should’ve read the fine print.
Riley and Evelyn: Satan!?
Satan: The one and only!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh, come on! No fair!
Satan: I’m the Devil, Mr. Wheeler. “Fair” doesn’t mean much to me.
Evelyn: I thought you didn’t ever want to see us again!
Satan: That’s what I thought too, initially. But what can I say? I’ve got a tendency to stew in resentment - nobody’s perfect.
Riley: Fuck this, I’m getting the crossbow!
Satan: No, you aren’t. You’re going to stand perfectly still.
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers.
Riley: Shit, I can’t move!
Evelyn: Neither can I! It’s like I’m totally frozen!
Satan: That’s good, because I intend to take my time, and really savour this. [Satan gags] Sweet Styx, it smells awful in here. It’s worse than the Pit of Eternal Rot.
Riley: Why is everyone roasting my bathroom today?
Pizza Ghost Jon: It’s pretty awful.
Evelyn: Yeah, I try to avoid spending time in here when I can, and I can’t even smell.
Satan: Haven’t you ever heard of Febreze? This is ghastly. You’ve been in here for a year?
Pizza Ghost Jon: A year, one month, 26 days, seventeen hours, twenty minutes, aaaaand eight seconds. Not that I’ve been counting.
Riley: What the hell do you want this time, Satan?
Satan: Nothing complicated. Just some good, old-fashioned revenge for what you two fools did to my beloved Underworld! We haven’t had a rise in redemptions since you turned it into a tacky amusement park; nobody admits their sins and repents with a mouth full of cotton candy!
Evelyn: Hey, I tried my best! Doesn’t that count for something?
Satan: [Ignoring Her] And what’s more, my brothers have been roasting me relentlessly for what you did! The family group chat is becoming unbearable. It’s just constant mocking memes, and I blame your actions entirely!
Riley: We can’t help it that you have a shitty family! I can’t even deal with my own shitty family.
Satan: That’s besides the point. The Underworld sucks now, and it’s all your fault, so I’m going to take myself a consolation prize. [Low, sinister chuckle] The soul of one media-pirating little pizza boy.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh come on! Haven’t I suffered enough?
SOUND: Satan laughs.
Satan: Suffered? You don’t know the meaning of the word, Jonny Boy. I’ve spent millenia devising the cruellest and most despicable tortures to inflict upon the worst mankind has to offer. Murderers, pedophiles, telemarketers, door to door salespeople! People don’t repent and see the light because of God, they do it because I show them just how dark the darkness can be! And you will repent, Mr. Wheeler. You and all the other penitents - I’ll take you apart, atom by atom if I have to, and burn the sin out of your wretched little core.
Riley: Jesus, dude, you really need to chill!
Satan: [Full Demon Voice] SATAN HAS NO CHILL. IT ISN’T PART OF THE JOB DESCRIPTION.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I made a deal with one of your demon guys last year so that I wouldn’t go to hell!
Satan: Correct, but if you take a gander at the particulars of that deal.
SOUND: Paper ruffles.
Satan: [Clears Throat] “Jonovan ‘Jon’ Wheeler is to be spared the flames of hell, providing he remains in the purgatorial domain of one Riley Almanzor’s en suite bathroom for the rest of conceivable eternity.” In other words - If you leave the bathroom, your ass is mine.
Pizza Ghost Jon: But...you freed me! Isn’t that cheating?
Satan: You can’t cheat when you make the rules, kid. You can’t lose either.
Evelyn: Isn’t there some kind of appeal system for this? Can’t we get a lawyer?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I’d really, really like to get a lawyer right now!
SOUND: Satan laughs.
Satan: Oh, don’t you worry about that. There’s plenty in Hell.
Riley: Great. Now I have another reason to regret eating that stupid vaporizer gun. That probably would have been real useful right now.
Evelyn: Look, I’m really sorry for ruining The Underworld, but you can’t punish Jon for that. It was my decision, not his! Jon just wanted to not spend forever in the bathroom!
Satan: As much as it pains me to say it, I couldn’t punish you even if I wanted to. You’re a good person by all known parameters of judgement, and good people aren’t my department. You, on the other hand, Jon, are a complete monster. You refunded books on Audible that you actually enjoyed - Did you know the authors have to pay back the difference on refunded books? It’s horrifying.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I wasn’t aware of that!
Satan: [Full Demon Voice] IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SIN! I’ve wasted quite enough time in this filthy excuse for a bathroom today. Let’s head downstairs and get you processed.
SOUND: A hell-chasm opens up in the ground, with a number of demonic sound effects.
Satan: I can’t wait to try out my new thumb screws. I’ve been needing a pick-me-up lately. I do hope all the free movies were worth it, Jonovan.
Pizza Ghost Jon: When will thi s nightmare end!?
Satan: Going down…
SOUND: Satan begins his most dramatic evil laugh yet.
Riley: Wait!
Satan: [Full Demon Voice] WHAT!? [Normal] I hate it when people interrupt my laughs.
Riley: So you can only punish bad people, right?
Satan: Wasn’t I clear enough on that? I have a song prepared to further clarify if necessary. One second [Clears Throat, Prepares to Sing] I cannnn…
Riley: No, no, that won’t be necessary.
Satan: Shit. Nobody ever lets me sing the song.
Riley: If you’re gonna take anyone down to Hell for eternal torture, it should be me.
Evelyn and Jon: What!?
Riley: I literally killed Jon, for the stupidest reason ever, and it’s because of me that he’s been trapped in my bathroom for over a year. And it’s not just that - I’ve been a huge jerk. To Jon, and Evelyn, and...Well, everyone.
Evelyn: Riley! You don’t need to do this-
Riley: I can’t let Jon go to Hell! He doesn’t deserve it.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Riley, you don’t-
Riley: So if you wanna take the person - or, uh, ghoul - most deserving of punishment, let Jon go and take me. Trust me, I probably deserve hellfire a lot more than he does.
Satan: Oh, save it. You say that now, but when push comes to shove, you’ll back out as soon as you smell the brimstone. All you mortals are just selfish. You only hand over your souls willingly if you need to advance your music career.
Riley: Fucking try me, Red! I’ve lived with Carmen Almanzor for nearly 28 years. You’ve got nothing to threaten me with!
Satan: Is that a challenge I hear? Very well. I suppose I should bring you downstairs and help you make an informed decision. After all, it’s your eternity.
SOUND: Demonic whooshing. The chasm opens further, bringing the entire bathroom down to Hell. No more ghost filters - everyone is corporeal in Hell.
Pizza Ghost Jon: [exasperated] Guess we’re coming too…
Evelyn: At least we all have physical bodies in Hell. Maybe we can go back to that Nickelback restaurant-
Satan: Silence! Riley...How are you feeling about that deal now?
Riley: You haven’t done anything to me yet. I’m not a fan of the dry heat, but I can cope.
SOUND: Satan laughs.
Satan: I love that. The sarky ones are always the most rewarding to break. Let’s have a look at your sins first, then you’ll be ready for a nice damnation tasting plate.
Riley: I’ve already eaten an atomic lazer today, damnation’s a perfect dessert.
Satan: That attitude is getting extremely grating. Azfar!
SOUND: Azfar appears.
Azfar: What’s shakin’, boss-man?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Is it just me or do these guys sound really similar?
Evelyn: I don’t hear it.
Satan: Azfar, bring me the file on Riley Almanzor.
Azfar: Which sections?
Satan: The whole thing.
Azfar: Alright, I’ll get the wheelbarrow.
Riley: Wheelbarrow? Come on, there can’t be that much-
SOUND: An absurd number of papers being dumped out of a wheelbarrow.
Riley: Well fuck me, then.
Satan: Let’s have a look at section 16-B. [He clears his throat] In December of 2007, you mauled and devoured a department store Santa at the Capital West shopping centre because you had not gotten a pony for Christmas the previous year.
Riley: Or ANY OTHER YEAR!
Evelyn: You were still getting Santa photos at 14?
Azfar: That’s part of why it’s considered a sin.
Satan: And the punishment for that sin is right here, behind door number one!
SOUND: Door opens. Sleigh bells and sounds of suffering; popping; gore.
Satan: For all Christmas-related murders, your body cavity will be filled with cheap plastic toys, paper crowns, and groan-worthy dad jokes. Then you’ll be ripped in half, eight times a day, and 12 on actual Christmas! It’ll drive you crackers.
Riley: [scared] Holy shit.
SOUND: Door closes.
Satan: Is that fear I see in those buggy pink eyes of yours, Riley?
Riley: [intimidated] No. Obviously not. [normal] And if one more fucking person takes a shot at my eyes today, I swear to God, that file’s gonna get longer.
Satan: Speaking of the file, let’s take a looksie at section 200-G.
SOUND: Flipping pages.
Satan: Oh, this is a fun one! In June of 2018, you received your 6th strike from Pizza Pizzaz-O after traumatising a child in the ball pit!
Pizza Ghost Jon: [disgusted] Whoa, Riley!
Riley: It’s not as bad as it sounds! I was undoing the harm of the American educational system!
Evelyn: That doesn’t sound like a sin!
Satan: [chuckles] You are wrong! Azfar, read the transcripts.
Azfar: Sure thing, Jefe. [ clears throat ] Quote, “Your parents have probably already been replaced by cloud people. The only way to tell is to sneak up on them and set their hair on fire, because normal moonling hair smells really bad when you burn it, but cloud people hair smells like lavender. No, listen, don’t cry, just listen, okay? I’m telling you the truth, this is real life. Stop running. Why are you running? Come back.” End quote.
Riley: He’s reading it wrong. Of course it sounds bad with THAT inflection!
Pizza Ghost Jon: I mean, it’s better than what I thought he was gonna say, but maybe I just watch too much Dateline.
Satan: Do you have anything else to say for yourself, Riley?
Riley: [stammers] Uh...I plead the fifth?
Satan: The constitution doesn’t apply here. Especially the parts about cruel and unusual punishment! Speaking of, let’s open up door number two! Behold!
SOUND: Children screaming. School bell ringing.
Riley: [rattled] It’s...a perfect replica of my fourth grade classroom.
Satan: That’s right, because the punishment for traumatising other people’s children is being forced to recreate your own most awkward childhood moments on a loop, forever.
Riley: Oh, god, this is that time when I left an anonymous valentine on my crush’s desk, and when he told me he recognised my handwriting I vomited all over the place!
SOUND: The door slams.
Satan: If it’s any consolation, that’s nothing compared to the punishment we give to people who traumatise their own children.
Azfar: It involves corkscrews.
Pizza Ghost Jon: Who comes up with these punishments?
Azfar: Oh, we all put suggestions in a box and Satan picks the ones that make him laugh the hardest.
Satan: I’m a big fan of irony. Moving right along, how are you feeling about your offer, Riley? Any hesitation creeping in?
Riley: [clearly nervous] I stand unwavering?
Satan: Wonderful. I am loving that upward inflection. What do you think, Azfar, should we show them one more?
Azfar: You’re the boss, boss.
Satan: Perfect. Let’s read file number 4000-Z. [flips pages] Just last week, you ate a rack of ribs in your bed, got barbecue sauce all over the sheets, and didn’t wash them before you went to sleep.
Riley: Oh, come on.
Satan: In fact...let’s see...have they washed those sheets yet?
Azfar: They have not.
Riley: It’s on my to-do list!
Satan: Irrelevant! Time to see what’s behind door number three!
SOUND: Door opening.
Evelyn: Wait...that’s just someone’s college dorm.
Satan: It’s not someone’s college dorm! It’s where we send people who don’t wash their sheets- you have to live here, with a bachelor in his early 30’s who refuses to buy a bed and instead sleeps on a nest made of towels. His name is Chris.
Chris: Sup. You guys ever smoked DMT?
Evelyn: That’s horrible!
Riley: Not so fast, Evelyn, he might be onto something with the nest thing.
Chris: You guys ever seen Pulp Fiction? Changed my life.
Pizza Ghost Jon: I love that movie!
Satan: [annoyed] Okay, well...they can’t all be winners.
SOUND: Door slamming.
Satan: And that’s only three of your potential tortures! If I showed you all of them we’d be here all millennium. What do you say, Riley? Not so cocky now, are we?
Riley: You’ve certainly presented a selection of pretty horrifying fates, I’ll give you that.
Satan: Thank you, I try.
Riley: I think I’ve made my decision.
Satan: Go on.
Riley: If me going to hell means that Jon and Evelyn can go free, I guess I’m going to hell.
Azfar: The Underworld, actually!
Riley: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Evelyn: Riley, no! You can’t do that!
Satan: Really?
Riley: Yeah. I’ve spent a lot of this year thinking about how I’ve hurt people in my life, and even though sometimes it was because I wasn’t in a good headspace, I’ve come to realise that my intentions count for nothing if I don’t take accountability. So this is me, doing that.
Satan: You’re bluffing. You’re not just going to throw your soul away for a pair of annoying ghosts you barely know. I can see how much you’re sweating right now. You’re scared shitless.
Riley: Of course I am! This is eternal damnation we’re talking about! But if that’s what it takes to make things right for Evelyn and Jon, and that one mall santa, fuck it.
SOUND: Riley takes a deep breath.
Riley: Evelyn, Jon, I hope this makes up for everything.
Evelyn: Please don’t do it, Riley! I don’t wanna be dead without you!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I mean, I appreciate the sentiment but this is a little harsh. I don’t want you to be tortured...not forever, anyway.
Riley: I have never been mind-changed on a single thing, ever, and I refuse to start now. Enjoy heaven for me, guys. Thanks for an amazing year, Evelyn. And... sorry I ate you, Jon.
Evelyn: There has to be another way, Riley!
Riley: Doesn’t look like it from where I’m standing. And if this big, red, blowhard can promise you get to go to the afterlife you deserve, then a little eternal torture is a small price to pay. At least I won’t have to live with my mom anymore.
SOUND: Evelyn blubbers. Satan cackles.
Satan: So it’s a deal! Let’s shake on it.
Riley: If we have to.
Evelyn: Riley, please!
Pizza Ghost Jon: You really don’t have to do this for me!
SOUND: Demonic, magical sounds.
Satan: The contract is sealed! [Laughs] I’m going to turn the Underworld back into the palace of righteous suffering it was always meant to be - starting with you, Riley! It’s just too delicious.
Riley: So I guess this is goodbye, Ev.
Evelyn: I didn’t want it to happen like this, Riles!
Satan: I’m number one! Satan rules! Go Satan! Who’s the man?
Azfar: You’re the man, boss.
Satan: You’re damn right I am!
Evelyn: I won’t leave Riley! There’s gotta be something you can get me on! I used to smoke when I was a teenager! I secretly think I’m better than people who like pop music even though I know that’s just internalised misogyny! I’ve killed ants!
Satan: I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you, Old sport. Everyone get a hug in before we take Riley to their doom.
SOUND: Evelyn hugs Riley.
Riley: Jesus, you’re a tight hugger.
Evelyn: I’m making up for lost time. Do you wanna get in on this, Jon?
Pizza Ghost Jon: Hm...nah. I’d still rather not.
Riley: That’s fair.
Satan: Alright, that’s enough of that. Break it up. Come along, Riley.
SOUND: Door creaks open.
Satan: And you two can run along now, I’ve had my pound of flesh.
SOUND: Evelyn and Jon start to ascend.
Evelyn: I’ll never forget youuuu!
SOUND: The audio fades out. Cut to outro.
Scott: Thank you for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio-engineered by me, Scott Thomas- [audio warps and fades]
Production Note: Had you going there, didn’t we? ;)
SOUND: Less is Morgue audio returns. Evelyn and Jon abruptly stop ascending.
Pizza Ghost Jon: So, this shit again.
Evelyn: Why have we stopped?
Azfar: Well, it looks like we’re getting an urgent correspondence from upstairs.
Satan: Oh, of course, those non-euclidean pencil pushers need to put in their two cents...
SOUND: Mail room tube noises. Azfar opens the cylinder and reads the notice.
Azfar: [clicks his tongue] Well, well, well, this is quite the eleventh hour development. Says here that you can’t take Riley.
Satan: WHAT!?
Evelyn: Heck yeah!
Riley: Excuse me!?
Azfar: Well, in willingly and knowingly offering their soul up for eternal torment in exchange for nothing but the salvation of Evelyn and Jon, they have demonstrated the cardinal virtue of charity, specifically article 2, subsection 6: Self-sacrifice. And, according to the heavenly ordinances established by the amendment of ‘65, action that can be classed as a cardinal virtue cancels out any previous deadly sins.
Evelyn: Wait...are you saying...that Riley….our Riley….learned a lesson?
Azfar: Eh, there’s still plenty room for improvement, but that’s it in a nutshell, toots.
Satan: This is absolute horse piss! You can’t be serious!
Azfar: I’m not done reading the envoy, boss.
Satan: Of course not.
Azfar: It also says here that the spirits of Jonovan Wheeler and Evelyn Hooper are now formally unbound from their earthly remains, and, as per clause number 6 of the Hargreeves Act, they can pass between the ethereal and physical planes at their leisure.
Pizza Ghost Jon: And what’s that in English?
Evelyn: It means we’re not tied to Riley anymore, Jon! We’re free!
Pizza Ghost Jon: Fucking finally! Smell you later, assholes!
SOUND: Jon vanishes with a gleeful laugh.
Evelyn: Alright, Riley, we did it!
Riley: Fuck, you’re right, we did. It took a while, and I had to risk my eternal soul, but we got there eventually.
Evelyn: Wanna head back to the basement?
Riley: With you?
Evelyn: Yeah!
Riley: Didn’t you hear what Azfar said? You’re free to go. You can go haunt Chad Kroger now or whatever, you don’t have to stick with me anymore.
Evelyn: I know, but I want to! I think we should celebrate! I can go out any time I want from now on, but tonight I wanna order some barbecue and crack open a cheap bottle of white wine with my best friend and Roommate. But only if you’ll have me.
Riley: Fuck yeah, I will. Let’s see when Last Chance stops delivering.
Satan: Not so fast, you little shitters! You think you can make a fool of me like this and get away with it? I’ve ruined lives! I’ve toppled empires! I’m the Lord of Darkness, for fuck’s sake! I can’t be beaten by a pair of fucking...PODCASTERS!
Evelyn: If you need to blow off some steam, Mr. Satan, I’m sure there are still some pretty cool rides if you haven’t torn them all down yet!
Riley: Oh yeah, and I’ve heard those cotton-candy corn dogs do wonders for stress.
SOUND: Satan lets out a demonic roar.
Satan: Screw all of you, I didn’t want your stupid souls anyway! You’ll fuck up later, and then you’ll come straight back to me.
Riley: See you then, bud.
SOUND: Fiery BOOM! Satan has left the building.
Azfar: Sorry about that, folks, the boss can be a little high-strung sometimes. He’ll calm down after he’s had a glass of scotch and taken a lava bath.
Riley: Can we go home now? The battery on my laptop is running real low.
Evelyn: And the dry heat down here is crazy.
Azfar: Eh, you get used to it. How have you two been, aside from the whole “getting dragged into the abyss by the Father of Lies” thing?
Riley: Let’s just say you were right about a lot of wild shit coming down the pipeline. Glad it’s all over now.
Azfar: Oh...uh, sure. All over. Let’s not ruin the moment. Congrats on clearing all the darkness off your slate, Myxter Almanzor.
Riley: Thanks. This time I’ll try to keep it off.
SOUND: POOF! We’re back in the basement. Evelyn has her ghost voice again.
Evelyn: Whew! We’re back! What an end to the season, huh, Riley?
Riley: Yep. Leave it to us to end our first season on an actual deus ex machina. And people told me it was unrealistic to have one in the Sword of R’lyeh!
Evelyn: Is it weird that I feel like it’s only gonna get crazier from here?
Riley: Don’t jinx us, Evelyn. I want at least a couple weeks of calm before some other crazy bullshit inevitably happens to us.
Evelyn: It’s nice that Jon got to move on. I hope he comes back to visit sometime.
Riley: He absolutely won’t, Evelyn. The poor guy was practically a hostage.
Evelyn: Fair enough.
SOUND: Riley gasps.
Riley: The bathroom! I’ll finally have a single crumb of privacy! And not a moment too soon, because I’m getting another wave of atomic stomach cramps. I really should’ve just smashed that thing, huh?
Evelyn: Well, you can keep that in mind for next time.
SOUND: Riley’s stomach gurgles.
Riley: Wrap this up, Evelyn.
SOUND: Riley runs desperately for the bathroom and slams the door. They make an ungodly noise of sheer intestinal discomfort.
Evelyn: Thanks for listening to our first season, everyone. Your support means so much to us, and we can’t wait to see you again for season two. Stay safe, stay spooky, and if you were thinking about eating an atomic vaporiser weapon today….
SOUND: Riley groans in pain and flushes the toilet.
Evelyn: Maybe consider...eating literally anything else.
Riley: [from the bathroom] Why do I do this to myself?
THE END.