Halloween Special
Riley and Evelyn host a Less Is Morgue Halloween Extravaganza! What could possibly go wrong?
+transcript
SOUND: Tinny, spooky music playing diegetically. There are different miscellaneous Halloween noises, from screams to distressed cats.
Evelyn: Hellooooo everyone! It’s Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most, bringing you a very scaaary Halloween episode of Less Is Morgue! But, before we get started, I think it’s really important to give a content warning before I play some of the really spooky sound effects on this soundboard I bought from Target! So first, be warned, this one is a spooky laugh.
SOUND: Evelyn clicks the button. A tinny spooky laugh.
Evelyn: Ooooh, who do you think laughs like that? Maybe a scary person! But I don’t like to judge from first impressions, the guy can’t help how he laughs! He’s just having a good time - but maybe a time so good it’s scary! Anyway, second warning, here’s some rattling chains!
SOUND: Evelyn presses the button. Tinny chain rattles.
Evelyn: Maybe it’s a spooky prisoner! But don’t get too scared though, it might just be a dog! Wouldn’t that be nice?
Riley: Y’know, Evelyn, just playing sounds while we’re talking is the fast-track to automation. If Big Podcast had their way, they’d replace us all with those soundboards!
Evelyn: Don’t be such a sourpuss, Riley, it’s just for Halloween fun! There’s still three hundred sounds I need to warn the listeners about!
Riley: Three hundred? Bullshit. There aren’t that many scary things.
Evelyn: They’re pretty specific, the next one is a raven that knows your name.
Riley: My name? Right...
Evelyn: No, seriously, listen!
SOUND: Tinny Raven’s voice says “I know your name, Thomas.”
Evelyn: Wait, wrong button.
SOUND: Tinny Raven voice says “I know your name, Ryan.”
Evelyn: Okay, I stand corrected. It doesn’t know your name.
Riley: Overlooked again, like all true geniuses.
SOUND: Less Is Morgue intro.
Riley: Let’s get this back on track. By which I mean, play the track.
SOUND: Click. Evelyn plays adorable Halloweeny music.
Riley: No, Evelyn, scarier!
SOUND: Click. Tinny spooky music begins again.
Riley: Perfect. [serious] On Halloween night, the veil between our world and the great beyond is thinner than one-ply toilet paper. Therefore, all kinds of weird, scary shit can happen. Like [sighs] Evelyn having a mostly physical body again for the evening.
Evelyn: I’ve been hitting all these buttons with my fingers! My real fingers! And if I’m feeling spicy, I can even use my whole arm to press a bunch at once.
Riley: You can, but should you?
SOUND: A cacophony of spooky sound effects, including another raven voice saying “I know your name, Philomena.”
Evelyn: Sorry Riles, I couldn’t hear you over all those sounds.
Riley: [groans] As always, in the brief periods of time where Evelyn is given the poisoned gift of physicality, she’s trying to, quote, “Make up for lost time”, unquote. However, this time, she’s not exactly resurrected, more like rocking a semi-corporeal ectoplasmic husk, like Slimer from GhostBusters.
SOUND: Shuffling, wrappers.
Evelyn: I’m going to eat ALL the candy!
Riley: Earlier, she was going to carve “All the pumpkins”, and now it looks like someone murdered the Lorax in here. Also, she’s got a pile of candy amassed in the corner that I can only describe as “threatening.” We’re about to discover if ghosts can experience nausea.
Evelyn: I’ve got sixteen years of Halloween to catch up on, and I’m taking all of you with me!
Riley: Spoken like a peppy suicide bomber.
Evelyn: --On my spooky, fun Halloween express! Soundboard, go!
SOUND: The soundboard says, “Toot toot, all aboard...THE GHOST TRAIN!”
Riley: Halloween isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be shit-pantsingly scary.
Evelyn: Don’t you mean pant-s-wordingly scary?
Riley: Grammar has no place on Halloween. No earthly law does. It’s the one night of the year where it’s socially acceptable - nay, socially mandatory! - to frighten people. Any other day of the year, it just gets you banned from Quiznos.
Evelyn: So that’s why Quiznos is closed...
Riley: Look at our costumes, for one. I’ve gone for something that would strike fear into the very bones of any intelligent, free-thinking individual.
Evelyn: I thought you were going as one of the Blues Brothers.
Riley: No, Evelyn! I’m a G-man! A man in black! A heartless, soulless government stooge! Dressed like this, I could blend in among them, and destroy them from within...Wait, what were we talking about?
Evelyn: And I’m dressed as--
Riley: A corporate character designed to shift the blame of climate change onto the individual?
Evelyn: --Sally Sprout, my favorite underrated Middle-Aged Tree Men character! The rest of the fandom always thought she was shoehorned in, but she always resonated with me.
Riley: I imagine the Middle-Age Tree Man marketing team was devastated to learn of your passing.
Evelyn: Honestly, if we were all a little more like Sally Sprout - focused, dedicated, selfless - we’d be-- Oooh, sour skittles!
SOUND: Evelyn fishes out some sour skittles.
Evelyn: [mouth full] They don’t make them as sour as they used to, but a skittle’s a skittles.
Riley: I think it’s more that you don’t have an actual body right now, just ghost-goo in the shape of a body. Your tongue and hair are effectively the same material.
Evelyn: Or maybe...I just need to eat more to get the effect!
SOUND: Evelyn guzzles more skittles.
Evelyn: I think I’m starting to feel a tingle!
Riley: You may wanna go easy on those, isn’t that like your tenth bag? Maybe leave some room for the Hersheys, Baby Ruths, Reese’s Pieces, Twizzlers, marshmallow fluff...
Evelyn: [manic laugh] What’s it gonna do, kill me? Too late! Skittle time!
SOUND: Unpleasant skittle-eating noises.
Evelyn: I’M CHASING THE RAINBOW! NO CANDY IS SAFE!
Riley: I think you’re about to be the first ghost to experience a psycho-somatic sugar high. Or the first to shit her leotard. One of the two.
Evelyn: Let’s go trick or treating and expand the candy horde! Evelyn needs more good-good!
Riley: Finally, we agree on something! While you’ve been gorging your ectoplasm on skittles, I’ve been saving myself...
Evelyn: You’ve eaten ten fun-sized snickers.
Riley: A mere palate cleanser, Evelyn. [Riley burps] Human and ghoul traditions play out differently on Halloween. While you’re going door to door, begging for candy, we’re lurking in the bushes, waiting for you.
Evelyn: But Riley, you can’t eat people on Halloween, that ruins the fun for everyone who isn’t a ghoul!
Riley: Au contraire! If you’re one of the survivors, the knowledge you didn’t get chomped makes the candy taste even sweeter!
Evelyn: I think that’s just survivor’s guilt.
Riley: Tasty survivor’s guilt. Besides, if it was someone you knew, you can have their surplus candy too. [beat] Unless the ghoul ate it. Really depends on the size of your friend.
Evelyn: On second though t, we’re staying in the basement tonight, where Riley can’t leave my general line of sight. I think it’ll be safer and more fun -- just like Sally Sprout always says “It’s fun to be safe!”
Riley: I’m beginning to see why everyone hated her.
Evelyn: A lot of fans thought she was introduced to be a potential romantic partner to Redwood, but I headcanoned both of them as gay.
Riley: Point is, Halloween is a night of pure terror. Whether it’s watching horror movies so scary that they invert your asshole, or dealing with streets filled with vicious, rampaging heathens! It’s an anything goes, trick-or-be-tricked, battle royale where the only real treat is survival, or getting to enjoy the thrill of a fresh kill.
Evelyn: With pumpkins!
Riley: Yes, there are sometimes pumpkins.
Evelyn: I think you just need to chill and enjoy yourself, Riley. You may have experienced Halloween before, but you’ve never experienced Halloween Evelyn-style! Trust me, nothing actually scary happens on October 31st!
SOUND: Click. Werewolf howl. However, it’s suddenly cut off by a serious newsreader.
News Reader: We interrupt this spooky sound effect to deliver an important news bulletin - Something actually scary is happening for the first time on October 31st.
Riley: I feel confused, yet vindicated.
Evelyn: Shhhh, listen!
News Reader: The supermax afterlife Tartarus 6 has experienced a major breach. A number of dangerous criminals from across the multiverse are now on the loose. Those who are unable to evacuate the mortal realm, please remain in your homes, to give yourself a comforting false sense of security. Statistically, it may not be your house. [breaks into dramatic evil laugh] More at eleven.
Riley: Which one is eleven?
Evelyn: The spooky witch cackle. Let me see…
SOUND: Spooky witch laugh. Cut off by the newsreader.
News Reader: We interrupt this witch cackle to tell you it actually was your house! Look behind you, you doomed fools!
SOUND: Ominous vapors and dimensional warping.
Baron of Perishing: The night is young, and aching to be ours. We have come to sire the end of your world! Nay, of every world and everything! Tremble, primitive children of the cosmos, consign yourselves to madness as you fathom the unfathomable, gaze upon the ungazeable, and taste the umami of your reckoning. We are from beneath the beyond, to the left of the infinite, across the street from pure chaos! Hold your breath and breathe us in, for as previously established, this night is ours!
SOUND: Riley and Evelyn scream a prolonged horror scream.
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Steady footsteps up to an old wooden doorway. The door creaks open for an uncomfortably long time. Then a bat screeches and flaps.
Spooky Sal: You might think you’re in an ancient, scary castle, but no, you’re probably at home, listening to me in my home studio in Sarasota. Salutations! My name is Spooky Sal, but you can call me SpoOOoky Sal of Spooky Sal’s Sarasota Scary Sound Store! We’re the leading providers of sinister synthesized stock soundscapes, and if the haunted castle didn’t do it for you, worry not! We can provide many more options for the discerning customer: Like an Arby’s full of wolves!
SOUND: Deep fat fryers and wolf noises.
Waiter: You actually gonna order anything or just chew on my legs?
SOUND: Back to Spooky Sal.
Spooky Sal: Or an IRS Agent with a chainsaw!
SOUND: Chainsaw noises.
IRS Agent: We’ve noticed some irregularities!
SOUND: Back to Spooky Sal. As the scene progresses, the goofy elements drop away, leading to a quieter and more dread-inducing tone.
Spooky Sal: And of course, we have our premium range, full of more “true to life” fears. Like hearing a phone ringing in the middle of the night, wondering if that bang you just heard was an engine backfiring or a gunshot, or hearing something snap underneath you as you walk across an old bridge over running waters. Or, the scariest sound of all: Silence. [getting quieter] When all you can really hear is your own breathing...Or at least, you hope it’s yours.
SOUND: Silence, for a few seconds. Then a window smashes quietly in the distance.
Spooky Sal: [concerned] Did you hear that? Was that on my end, or yours? It must have been me, right? Couldn’t be… Listen closely. Do you hear that? Are those...footsteps? Quiet at first, but getting louder, little by little. Wait...What’s that scraping noise? It sounds like metal - old, rusty metal - scraping against wood or brickwork. No! Don’t turn, don’t look. It’s just a sound, isn’t it? Don’t look. If you look, you make it real. But it’s hard to ignore, isn’t it? It’s getting louder, getting closer. Keep breathing. Do you think it can hear you breathing? What is it? [panicked] Don’t turn around! Whatever you do, don’t turn around. You don’t want to see its face. Something terrible will happen if you see its face. Close your eyes. Close them tight, and keep them closed. Maybe it won’t notice you. Maybe it’s like all those times you were young and afraid, and you hid underneath the covers because, on some level, you knew it might protect you. Do you feel safe now? Do you feel protected?
SOUND: Spooky Sal stops talking. Just the sound of footsteps and scraping getting closer. There’s quiet breathing now, but it isn’t you. It’s right behind you. A few seconds of quiet, only that subtle breathing.
IT: [right next to your ear] Turn around...
[WEIRD AD TIME OVER]
SOUND: Riley and Evelyn continue their scream until both run out of breath and stop.
Baron of Perishing: I could get used to the screams of mortals. Admittedly, that was a bit much. Of course, I wouldn’t expect any less from those beholding me: The Baron of Perishing.
Riley: [terrified] What the fuck is that thing behind you?
Evelyn: Look out, Baron of Perception, he’s sneaking up on you! [wince of pain] Oh gosh, so that’s what a sugar headache feels like…
Baron of Perishing: Pay no attention to him! He’s merely my silent ward.
Evaporo: Trick-or-treat, mortals? Ha! I’ve already chosen for you - it’s TRICK! But it will be such a treat for me, the mighty Evaporo! The Evaporator of Worlds!
Baron of Perishing: I said SILENT! You’re supposed to let me do the talking; my voice has the necessary gravitas for this kind of intimidation.
Riley: No offense, man. But you’re basically a white guy in a button-up, and those are only threatening in herds.
Evelyn: The tentacle on his forehead is a little grody, but not scary.
Baron of Perishing: Haha! This is merely a form your feeble minds can comprehend!
Riley: Oh yeah? How come the other guy is an optical illusion?
Evelyn: He’s like a cataract that ate all the other ones!
Riley: He’s like a gaping sore in the fabric of accepted reality!
Evelyn: He’s like two Rorschach tests making a baby on black paper!
Evaporo: He’s like the guy who’s going to evaporate you and all you hold dear! Starting with that pile of candy!
SOUND: Evaporo evaporates all the candy.
Evelyn: No! My skittles! The rainbow is dead! [weeps]
Evaporo: And there’s more where that came from! And less where this came from! Goodbye, swivel chair! Hello, evaporated swivel chair!
SOUND: Evaporo evaporates Riley’s swivel chair.
Riley: Hey, my chair! It supported me more than my parents! You’ll pay for that!
Baron of Perishing: We pay for nothing, for everything is ours! Those fools on Tartarus 6 thought they could-
Riley: Dude, shut up, we’re trying to deal with Evaporo right now. We’ll take care of you later.
Evelyn: Pull up a chair. Oh wait.
Baron of Perishing: Stand down, Evaporo. I think these mortals understand what your deal is. Maybe they need to be reminded who I am.
Riley: You said you were the Baron of Punishment?
Evelyn: No, Riley. He said he was the Baron of Pestilence.
Baron of Perishing: I am the Baron of Perishing! And I hail from a faraway place with a strange-soundin g name!
Riley: Oh yeah, what’s it called?
Baron of Perishing: Your language doesn’t have enough apostrophes to pronounce the name of my former home. But it rhymes with [unusual noise].
Riley: It was your parent’s place, huh? No judgement here. I know how that is.
Baron of Perishing: My parents are suffering and subjugation!
Evaporo: Which rhymes with evaporation! [evil cackle]
Baron of Perishing: Seriously, stop! We all get it, Evaporo. You’re laboring the point.
Evelyn: Why are you two here? Halloween is supposed to be fun! This is really scary!
Riley: Told you so.
Evelyn: Not now! I’m too full of candy to concentrate. Soundboard, give me the good vibes!
SOUND: Click. Raven says, “I know your name, Evaporo!”
Evaporo: Then you should know to fear it!
SOUND: Evaporo evaporates the soundboard.
Evelyn: The soundboard! No! Halloween is ruined!
Riley: Oh come on! It had Evaporo, but not Riley? It’s not that uncommon!
Evelyn: I can’t take this anymore. I’ll phase through the wall and fetch help!
Riley: Evelyn, wait!
SOUND: Frantic running. Whack! Evelyn hits the wall and falls over.
Riley: ...You’re semi-corporeal.
Evelyn: [hurt nose] Why didn’t you grab me?
Riley: What was I meant to grab? You’re wearing a leotard!
Baron of Perishing: [ahem] You asked why we were here. If you’re quite done, we’d like to explain.
Riley: Of course. Forgive us for making your home invasion awkward.
Baron of Perishing: We saw an opportunity to escape from our ultradimensional cell on the supermax afterlife, an opportunity that only comes once a year on your dimension’s October 31st.
Evelyn: Why didn’t you escape last year?
Baron of Perishing: My methods need not be scrutinized by you mere mortals! All you need to know is… the stars have finally aligned in my favor and I…
Evaporo: And I was transferred to his cell last week, so I helped him escape by evaporating the guards.
Baron of Perishing: [clearly annoyed] Yes, which was all according to my brilliant plan!
Riley: Well, we knew that part. But why our house? The man on the radio said it was statistically unlikely.
Baron of Perishing: Not when this basement is registered as an afterlife. The walls between dimensions are especially thin down here.
Evaporo: Which makes them so much easier to evaporate!
Baron of Perishing: Especially when I order you to do it. [nervous laugh]
Evelyn: Well, you picked the wrong basement! This is Less is Morgue! We’ve tangled with way worse than you! Maybe not him though.
Riley: Yeah, Evaporo is terrifying.
Evaporo: Soon your fear itself will evaporate, along with the rest of you!
Evelyn: No, not now! I’m not done having a body yet!
Riley: It’s okay. You’re my best friend, Evelyn. We had a good run. Maybe if he doesn’t evaporate our souls, we can both be ghost hosts.
Evelyn: I think that’s wishful thinking, Riles. He’s Evaporo!
Evaporo: And it’s Evapor-over for both of you!
SOUND: Evaporo tries to evaporate Riley and Evelyn but it doesn’t work.
Riley: Huh. Being evaporated feels exactly like not being evaporated.
Evelyn: He’s toying with us! He’s going to do it when we think we’re safe.
Evaporo: No, my powers aren’t working. I’m honest enough to tell you that.
Baron of Perishing: Why would you tell them that? It weakens our bargaining position!
Riley: I’m sorry, what are we bargaining for here?
Evaporo: I swear. This never happens to me. Maybe I’m a bit dehydrated.
Evelyn: Evaporo drinks water? The mysteries deepen.
Baron of Perishing: You know, Ev, you’re being very embarrassing right now.
Evelyn: How am I embarrassing you?
Baron of Perishing: I was talking to Evaporo.
Evelyn: Oh, that makes more sense.
Evaporo: Well, maybe if someone didn’t order me to evaporate ALL the guards and the cell, and the veil between worlds, and that rude teen that insulted your forehead tentacle--
Riley: No, that was my meal! You monster!
Baron of Perishing: To be entirely fair, Ev. You did also evaporate several trees, a motorcycle, and a liquor store of your own volition.
Evaporo: So now you’re criticizing me for doing my favorite thing? I expected better of you, Barry, but my expectations have since evaporated!
Baron of Perishing: First of all, you don’t have a favorite thing, you have one thing!
Evaporo: If you can’t handle me when I’m evaporating what I want to evaporate, you don’t deserve me when I’m evaporating what you want me to evaporate!
Riley: Uh oh, they’re arguing like my parents.
Evelyn: Should we get your mom down here? She might be able to--
Riley: No, there must be another way!
Baron of Perishing: I call the shots around here! Don’t forget who I am! I’m the Baron of Perishing!
Evaporo: Don’t lord your title over my infinite headlike-appendages! Purchasing a few protons worth of matter in the Andromeda galaxy doesn’t make you a Baron! And even if it did, what does a noble rank matter to us? We’re quantum abominations! The laws of physics can’t hold us, so why the fuck would we care about land ownership?
Baron of Perishing: You wouldn’t understand! You’ve never dreamed of anything but evaporation! We’re unknowable eldritch horrors, stop being so knowable!
Evaporo: I know who I am! Do you? You’re only unknowable to yourself!
Baron of Perishing: Evaporo, please! Not in front of the mortals.
Evaporo: Who cares, when my powers return, I’ll evaporate them!
Baron of Perishing: You can’t just evaporate all your problems away!
Evaporo: Yes, I can! You should try it sometime! Oh wait, you can’t! Cause I was locked up for evaporating my own dimension, and you were locked up for running non-euclidean pyramid schemes!
Baron of Perishing: I destroyed many lives, financially! Why do you have to bring up the things I’ve done rather than vaguely gesturing at things I could do!
SOUND: The Baron and Evaporo continue to argue in the background. Riley and Evelyn speak in hushed voices.
Riley: Evelyn, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Evelyn: That these two have an extremely toxic friendship?
Riley: Yes, but also, maybe we can get Evaporo to evaporate our problems. Starting with the Baron of Putridness!
Evelyn: I think it was the Baron of Perfidy…
Riley: Whatever! Let’s drive a wedge between these dweebs!
SOUND: Riley loudly clears their throat.
Baron of Perishing and Evaporo: WHAT!?
Riley: Baron of Perishables. Evaporo. Me and Evelyn have been talking.
Baron of Perishing: Oh yes?
Evelyn: It’s clear you two have very different goals.
Baron of Perishing: Nonsense! Our goals are aligned in the pursuit of ultimate power. Two great pistons in an unyielding engine of-
Evaporo: Hey, my powers recharged! Take that, bookshelf!
SOUND: Evaporo evaporates the bookshelf.
Baron of Perishing: Will you stop being so impulsive! Every time I get a good flow on you undermine me by indulging your infantile whims.
Evaporo: Infantile? Infantile is needing cults to constantly validate you!
Baron of Perishing: At least I HAD cults! You evaporated yours!
Evaporo: And I LOVED doing it! You should know that about me by now!
Baron of Perishing: I am BEGGING you to think about presentation, just once! I hate being seen with you.
Evaporo: Why focus on presenTATION when I could be focusing on-
Baron of Perishing: DON’T SAY IT. I CAN’T HEAR THAT WORD AGAIN, IT’S LOST ALL MEANING.
Evelyn: Stop fighting! Sally Sprout says that “When you fight, no one’s right.”
Riley: [whispering harshly] Evelyn, getting them to fight was the whole plan. Say literally anything else...
Evelyn: But I’d be betraying the uniform… Riley: Evelyn, it was hand-stitched by someone on Etsy. It was going to betray you first. You’re pulling an Evaporo right now, Ev. Work with me!
Evelyn: Come to think of it, Sally Sprout also said “Let’s get to the root of the problem… by pushing an already bad relationship to a boiling point of mutual resentment.” [under her breath] I’m sorry, Sally.
Riley: Screw this! Hey, Evaporo!
Evaporo: What?
Riley: Are you really going to take that from a guy who looks so easy to evaporate?
Evaporo: Hmm. Somehow I’ve never thought of that before.
Baron of Perishing: Ha! He wouldn’t dare! I give this enterprise structure! Panache! Without me he’d just hop from dimension to dimension, evaporating everything in his path.
Evaporo: Ooh.
Baron of Perishing: Mindlessly winking worlds out of existence while giggling like a toddler.
Evaporo: Heehee. It is pretty funny. Baron of Perishing: No accumulation of power! No amassing followers! No multi-level marketing strategies, planned to the last detail over nights and nights of meticulous- Evaporo: Yeah, you’re right Riley. Fuck this guy! I’ll start with his dumb hat!
Baron of Perishing: You capricious boob! You’re nothing without me! You’re nothiiiiiing!
SOUND: Baron’s voice fades into evaporation-death.
Evaporo: Pretty sure that’s you, buckaroo. Evapor-one, Baron-zero.
Evelyn: It worked, Riley, he evaporated Baron Pepperoni!
Riley: I love it when a plan comes together. Guess this is a fun Halloween after all.
Evelyn: So how do we get rid of Evaporo now?
[BEAT]
Riley: Shit.
Evaporo: [evil laugh] Someone once told me that I couldn’t evaporate all my problems away. And now he’s evaporated along with my guilt! Nothing’s going to hold me back!
Riley: Damn. Nothing is holding him back. We’re so evaporated.
Evelyn: Sally was right! “When a friend evaporates their friend, the rest of the world is bound to end.”
Riley: That was a quote from the show?
Evelyn: It was really ahead of its time.
Riley: I wish I grew up with a cartoon that would prepare me to be evaporated by a supreme cosmic evil.
Evelyn: There’s a rhyme for that too, Riley. “When you are faced with an evil guy, make him sad so he will cry.”
Riley: I don’t know what would make Evaporo sad, other than not evaporating us?
Evelyn: We need to dig into his past wounds, awaken his ancient traumas! Then, he’ll do the opposite of evaporate… and reform!
Riley: Here’s a Riley rhyme for you: “It doesn’t work if the guy’s just a jerk. ”
Evelyn: “It’s worth a try, because we’re about to die!”
Evaporo: My powers are returning to me again. I didn’t mention it, but it took a lot out of me to evaporate that other guy. You two totally could have run away and I probably wouldn’t have found you. I’m surprised you waited, unless you want to be evaporated? Which is ideal for me, because it’s happening either way.
Evelyn: You might be able to evaporate us, but you can’t evaporate your past! Something tragic must have made you choose the path of evil! Who hurt you, Evaporo?
Evaporo: Wait, you really want to know?
Riley: [lying, badly] Sure, we really feel like you’ve earned some pathos.
Evaporo: [touched] Nobody’s ever asked me that before! Well...Long ago, before I was known as Evaporo, when I was just a humble liquid, there was a time in my existence when I [sniffles] couldn’t evaporate things. Every time I think back on those painful memories, I just want to evaporate things to make me feel better!
Evelyn: Isn’t there anything else? A lost pet? Unrequited love? Financial trouble?
Evaporo: I’ve evaporated all those things! And I’d do it again!
Evelyn: I failed. We’re doomed.
Riley: Don’t beat yourself up, Ev, you tried your best.
Evaporo: [maniacal laugh] I’ll evaporate everything, and right now, you’re in my way!
Riley: Wait, before you evaporate us, you can only do this on Halloween right? Because the veil is thin? Evaporo: Thin enough to EVAP- Riley: Sure, sure. But you’ve only got… seven minutes of Halloween left on this dimension? Won’t you just get whipped back to Tartarus 6? Evaporo: I never thought of that! Because it was only tangentially related to evaporation! Oh no! Riley: But surely it’s Halloween SOMEWHERE right? In some dimension?
Evaporo: That’s true! And they probably all have at least one populated basement that acts as a dimensional conduit!
Riley: Right!
Evaporo: And without that dweeb Duke Pizza, I can EVAPORAMPAGE!
Evelyn: Wait…
Evaporo: Thank you, Riley! Thank you, Evelyn!
Evelyn: I’m not sure I want credit for this.
Evaporo: It’s time to strike out on my own! Make something of myself! And make nothing… OUT OF EVERYTHING!!!
SOUND: Evaporo cackles maniacally as he evaporates the barrier to the next dimension.
Evelyn: What did we just do! Did he… did he just say he’d evaporate everything? Riley: Not our everything, Hooper. Not our everything.
Evelyn: I feel like I compromised my morals a lot today.
Riley: You okay, Ev? You don’t look so good. Evelyn: Tell you the truth… now it’s no longer Halloween… these skittles are going right through me.
SOUND: Dozens of skittles and a unitard hit the ground.
Evelyn: “Goodbye skittles, goodbye Sally, goodbye corporeal reality.” [sighs] That’s an Evelyn Hooper original.
Riley: Look on the bright side. We’re not evaporated!
Evelyn: But my Halloween was evaporated. I can’t believe that we spent most of our night dealing w ith those jerks.
Riley: Ev, take it from a professional night owl - It’s not tomorrow until you go to sleep. You may not be able to eat candy or wear a goofy costume...or watch me devour a teenager...but you don’t need a body to watch Hocus Pocus and scary Kevin’s Top Sevens videos.
Evelyn: Yeah...I guess it doesn’t really matter how much Halloween indulgence you have, as long as you’re spending time with your best friend. I’ll sure miss the candy though.
Riley: I’ll eat enough candy for both of us. Someone has to clean up these skittles.
Evelyn: I take it all back, Riley. Halloween is scary.
Riley: [eating skittles] Don’t judge me. It’s Kevin Time.
SOUND: Click. Kevin’s video/outro begins.
Kevin’s Top Sevens: Happy Halloween, Top Seven Squad. I hope you’ve all had a fun, safe evening. And if you haven’t, the footage of your death may end up on one of my future videos. Before we get into today’s banger upload- Top Sixteen Halloween Hate Crimes Caught on Tape - we have a quick word from our sponsor: Spooky Sal’s Sarasota Scary Sound Store.
He’s Florida’s leading provider of existentially unsettling earworms. In fact, he sent over one of his Premium Soundboards. Let’s take a listen…
SOUND: Raven caws, then says, “I know your name, Kevin’s Top Sevens - Please Subscribe.”
Kevin’s Top Sevens: Now that’s chilling.
News Reader: We interrupt this self-aggrandizing sound effect to bring you an important message. Don’t touch that dial now, we’re just getting started: This extra spooky episode was written by Alex “The Alien” Whitington, Henry “The Gallows” Galley, and Gus “The Italian” Zagarella, with audio engineering by Scott “The Left Hand Enthusiast” Thomas. This episode starred Alexis “Fire and Brimstone” Bristowe as Riley, Meg “Curse of King-Tuten-Khamun” as Evelyn, Maddie “The Mothman” Rambissoon as The Raven, and Scott Thomas and Henry Galley as literally everyone else.
Executive Produced by Uri “The Undertaker” Sacharow, art by Meg Molloy Tuten, with a theme song by Nick “The Nightcrawler” Heilman and Makayla “The Ghost Rider” Crider.
Want to give this show your spooooky monetary support? Find us on Patreon. And follow us on our scaaaaary social media, linked in the show notes. Thank you for listening to Less Is Morgue, and of course, Happy Halloween…
SOUND: Tinny witch cackle. Back to Kevin.
Kevin’s Top Sevens: That isn’t my name. Huh. Anyway, on with the video. Number Sixteen-
SOUND: Evaporo manifests in the room.
Evaporo: Ah yes, a new dimension to Evaporate! How wonderful! I think I’ll start with you!
Kevin’s Top Sevens: Shit, not again!
SOUND: Kevin screams and is evaporated.
Evaporo: [uncomfortably close to the mic] Now that I carry bottled water, my powers are unlimited! Ahh, feels good on my infinite throat-like protrusions. And since I’m here...time for a little Halloween fun of my own!
SOUND: Evaporo’s maniacal giggle fades. Layered mass-evaporation noises.
[END]