Riley is running an insane fever that’s making them even more delirious and unreasonable than usual. Evelyn, not wanting to see Riley keel over, hires the only doctor who still does house calls - who just happens to be an organ-harvesting serial killer. But is he ready for the Less Is Morgue duo’s insane bullshit?

+transcript

SOUND: A toad loudly croaks.

Riley: [hoarse; unwell] Hey, get away from the mic. This is a podcast, not a Frogcast.

Evelyn: That’s a toad, Riley, you can tell from the size and skin texture.

SOUND: Toad croaks again, getting quieter as Riley picks it up.

Riley: C’mere, you. You’re my only salvation.

Evelyn: Riles, why are we even recording today? You should be resting! Why not go back to playing Mario Kart on your Nintendo? You were this close to beating Rainbow Road!

Riley: It’s called a Switch, Evelyn. And rest is for the feeble. I’m working at peak perf- [violent coughing fit]

SOUND: Intro music. Riley still coughs when it comes back. Splat as Riley coughs something up onto the floor.

Riley: I hope that wasn’t important.

Evelyn: You literally coughed up a lung!

Riley: Yeah, but it’s not my lung. Look at it, it’s pink, it’s probably the mailman. Or that guy who misgendered me at Target.

Evelyn: Will you please return the toad to its natural habitat, and call a licensed medical professional? I’m beginning to think you’re beyond the “chicken soup and bed rest” stage of sickness.

Riley: You know the words “licensed”, “medical”, and “professional” were all made up.

Evelyn: All words are made up, Riley! That’s what language is! Riley: Here’s some language for you: I have the cure, and it starts with this frog going into my mouth.

Evelyn: Counterpoint One: Still a toad. And two: Do you even know why you’re sick in the first place?

Riley: I don’t need to be sick to do something healthy, like eating a raw, uncooked frog, but if I was sick, which I’m not, I wouldn’t be.

Evelyn: You edit this podcast, Riley, so I know you must listen to yourself sometimes. Does it ever occur to you that choosing to die on some weird hill doesn’t always end well for you?

Riley: Shows what you know. Frogs don’t live on hills.

Evelyn: [demonic voice] TOAD!

SOUND: The toad croaks again.

Riley: Shut up and make me better.

SOUND: Riley swallows the toad.

Riley: And now it’s just a matter of time. [another violent coughing fit]

Evelyn: That’s it, I’m calling a doctor before your fever completely melts your brain.

Riley: I’m not running a fever. And my brain is too smooth to melt.

Evelyn: Tell that to the steam coming off your forehead.

Riley: That’s just ‘cause I’m thinking really hard about how healthy I feel!

Evelyn: Okay...Local doctors…

SOUND: Keyboard sounds. Riley’s stomach gurgles.

Riley: Whoa. I can feel that frog’s health juice coursing through my veins.

Evelyn: The term “health juice” is definitely not scientific. Also, your pupils look like bowling balls right now. Where did you get that toad?

Riley: Shhh, Evelyn. You’ll scare the health away.

Evelyn: “The health?”

Riley: Ooh, look! I’m getting a stamina buff! My green bar is huge! I think the gamers are on to something.

Evelyn: [typing] “Doctor...house call...available immediately…”

Riley: No doctors, Ev! They’re just phonies in service of Big Pharma!

Evelyn: Well this website is called NotFakeDoctors.REAL, so you don’t need to worry about any phonies here.

Riley: Ev. I don’t wanna alarm you...But I think Mario just entered the basement.

Evelyn: I’m just gonna click “I’m Feeling Lucky.”

Riley: Oh, Mario’s leaving. Good. I don’t fuck with people who hate ghosts.

Evelyn: This is just like all those D.A.R.E. videos I watched in high school. I hope the doctor shows up before Riley jumps off a building while trying to fly.

Riley: What if I jumped onto a building? Then I’d never fall again. [weirdly sinister laugh]

SOUND: Three ominous knocks, with eerie pauses in between.

Evelyn: He’s here! You may actually survive this now, Riley!

Riley: Riley will never die! [coughing fit]

SOUND: Whoosh! Evelyn heads towards the door and opens it with her ghost powers.

Rich: Good evening, my dear. I’m Doctor Richard Bates, but please, call me Rich. I apologize for the delay, I had to dispose of some incriminati- er, I mean contaminating medical waste.

Evelyn: Hi, Dr. Rich! I’m Evelyn! Also, it’s 10:00 AM.

Rich: Of course; force of habit. I usually work under the cover of night. I mean... At night.

Evelyn: Oh, no problem, everyone misspeaks sometimes, I-- Wait, you can see me?

Rich: [ignoring Ev’s question] So, where’s my patient?

Evelyn: Riley, that’s the ghoul laying on the couch over there. [slightly louder] The very obviously unwell one.

Riley: I’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations!

Evelyn: No, you’re just sick and tired!

Riley: You’re gonna feel real silly when my mana bar fills back up. I’m gonna Fireball all your asses. [limply makes flame noises]

Rich: Ooh, a ghoul, you say? How very novel. Righty-o, let’s get stuck in.

SOUND: Rich walks over to Riley. A cool er sloshes in his hands.

Riley: What’s with the cooler? Do you drink on the job? See, Ev, I told you this guy was a phony! You hired a frat boy doctor.

Evelyn: Stop antagonizing the doctor, Riley.

Riley: Say that again when he’s doing a keg stand over my malpractice-induced corpse.

Rich: Oh, this? This is from my last patient, I didn’t have time to drop her-- I mean, it-- off at home before I came here. But rest assured, I never drink on the job.

Riley: Ugh, we need to stop letting British people in here...

Evelyn: Uhh, Doctor Bates? I don’t want to interrupt any of the medical procedures, but you seem to be covered in a lot of blood right now. Isn’t that unsanitary?

Rich: Please, Rich. But don’t worry darling, it’s not mine. And it’s sterile, I assure you.

Riley: That’s comforting. Ugh. My tummy hurts...Uh, with health!

Rich: No need to worry, Riley, I’m a professional. I’m just going to perform a few basic diagnostic tests, to establish the justification for surgery.

Riley: Don’t try to swindle me with your medical jargon. I know my rights!

Rich: My, you’re a feisty one. [to Evelyn] Are they always like this?

Evelyn: Actually, this is low-energy Riley.

Riley: Excuse me!? Do you see how big my green bar is? It’s at like, 200%.

SOUND: Rich opens a medical bag. Tools jangle.

Rich: I’m going to press on and begin the examination if it’s all the same to you.

Evelyn: You’re not going to do anything dangerous, are you?

Rich: What would possibly lead you to think that about me?

SOUND: Sinister organ music begins to play.

Rich: Oh, I do apologize, that’s my ringtone. One moment, please.

SOUND: Rich answers his phone.

Rich: [into phone] Dr. Bates here. Yes. This better be important, I’m with a patient… Yes, yes, I have the product… Fresh and on the ice, ready to go… Of course I cleaned up!

Riley: Taking a phone call during a consultation. So unprofessional.

Evelyn: I’m a little more concerned about all the obvious murderer vibes.

Rich: ...I’ll be there right after this, and remember... Cash. I can’t seem to wrap my head around all this ToddCoin nonsense. Cheers!

SOUND: He hangs up.

Rich: My sincerest apologies, bodies tend to pile up. [soft chuckle] ...Did I say bodies? I meant work, I assure you. [to Riley] Now, let’s start with something simple... Open your mouth and say “aaahhhhhh”.

Riley: [nervous] Alright. Healthy people can open their mouths and not feel like they’re going to gag, so that’s what I’ll do. Because I can.

SOUND: “Aaahhh.” Splat as something lands on the table. The toad croaks.

Rich: [obviously surprised] I’m sorry, was that a toad?

Riley: A frog, actually.

Evelyn: Don’t you start!

Rich: Alrighty...I’m going to grab my stethoscope and have a listen to make sure everything on the inside is in perfect, sellable condition.

Evelyn: Sellable?

Rich: Hm? Beg your pardon? I said I’m grabbing my stethoscope.

SOUND: Rich grabs the next tool from his bag. Meanwhile, the toad hops around the basement, occasionally croaking, for the rest of the episode. [Note for Scott: Feel free to throw in a well-timed croak whenever it seems funny.]

Evelyn: So, uh, what medical school did you attend, Rich? Just out of curiosity.

Rich: Well, first, I attended Evil Pre-Med at Stanford, before performing my Evil Residency at Harvard. I graduated with dishonors before shadowing a more experienced Evil surgeon at Evil Johns Hopkins. And I minored in Economics...Evil Economics, I assure you.

Riley: See, Ev? He even admits all doctors are evil! I respect that kind of honesty.

Evelyn: I think he’s just saying he’s evil!

Rich: Whenever did I say that? Now quiet for a moment, please, I need to listen to Riley’s potentially valuable heart.

Riley: [smug] See, Ev! My heart is super valuable.

SOUND: Long silence. A few croaks.

Riley: Look, he’s stunned into silence by its power!

Rich: [at a loss for words] Well…That’s not quite... Hm...

Evelyn: [concerned] What’s their BPM, doctor?

Rich: Two…

Evelyn: [cutting him off] Two hundred?! That’s crazy high!

Riley: It shows I’m working at maximum efficiency!

Rich: No, two. [harrowed pause] I’d heard legends about this in Evil Cardiology, but I didn’t think they were true. Until now…

Riley: I’m a legend! [coughing fit]

Evelyn: What does this mean, doctor?

Rich: Lord only knows, we’re going off-road now... [A little excited at the idea] I think a blood test is in order.

SOUND: Rich grabs a syringe from his bag.

Rich: You may notice a little prick.

Riley: Shit, is Mario back!? I’m all out of shells…

Evelyn: Maybe we should put some limits on Nintendo time...

SOUND: Rich draws some blood from an indifferent Riley. Riley quietly hums the Mario Kart theme, clearly still s paced out.

Evelyn: You’re uh… taking a lot of blood there, Dr. Rich, sir. Don’t your patients need to, y’know, keep some?

Rich: All necessary, darling. Trust the expert. Now I’ll get this sample under the microscope and have a closer look to see what’s really going on here.

SOUND: Quiet squirting noise. The blood sample squeals and hisses defensively then slithers away.

Rich: [visibly unnerved] Jesus..!

Riley: Yeah, It does that sometimes, you can either get the flamethrower to deal with it now or wait for it to come back. It gets homesick eventually.

Evelyn: I can confirm. It’s gross but kinda wholesome.

Rich: [voice a little shaky, but regaining his composure] I have to say, Riley, your blood is absolutely fascinating. Riley: Listen, buddy, I’m ace and I’m saving myself for a Jonas brother, so try your silver fox porno doctor schtick with someone else.

Rich: I meant it in a purely professional sense, darling. Speaking of, I think it’s time I take a more invasive approach to your diagnosis.

Riley: And the mixed messages continue.

SOUND: Rich messing around in his doctor’s bag.

Evelyn: Um...What exactly are we looking at here?

Riley: Shiny. Must’ve hit a Star.

SOUND: Whirring of a surgical saw. Riley starts humming the star powerup theme.

Rich: Now please hold still, this is a very delicate procedure…

SOUND: The whirring of the saw transition into…

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Catchy EDM hook plays. Predictably chaotic and off-kilter.

Flauros: Who’s the burning boy with big ol’ leopard teeth! It’s me,

Flauros! And I’m here… why am I here?

Marketing Exec.: Talk about your beer.

Flauros: Flauros has beer! And it’s uh…

Marketing Exec.: [insistent] Good!

Flauros: Flauros has beer and it’s good. I-I drink this beer. Marketing Exec.: Keep going…

Flauros: Right. The first time Flauros drank a bottle of this beer, he finished it. And then he had another one. I’m not sure if it was the same beer though. It’s all beer. And it was all good. And it was all bad.

Marketing Exec.: Goddamn it. Say the name...

Flauros: [so confident] Flauros! Thought I wouldn’t remember huh… but Flauros always remembers.

Marketing Exec.: Fuck it. [distant] It’s good enough. Send it out. I’m going home to cry into my birthday cake.

SOUND: Marketing exec. stomps away. Paper is thrown to the floor. The door slams shut and the lights are turned off. Beat.

Flauros: Oh look, a beer!

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

SOUND: Gross, squelching noises as Rich feels around Riley’s open abdomen.

Riley: Hey, easy on my spleen. [spaced-out laugh] That tickles.

Evelyn: I know nobody likes a backseat surgeon, but shouldn’t you be using an anesthetic?

Rich: [scoffs] Anesthetic?

Evelyn: Y’know, surgical painkillers!

Rich: I’m aware of what they are. They just spoil the fun of it.

Evelyn: For those of you at home, this is Less is Morgue’s first live surgery. Riley’s chest and abdomen are now fully open.

Riley: Jeez, Ev, why don’t you just doxx me? [coughing fit]

Evelyn: The listeners deserve to know why they’re hearing these horrible squishy noises, Riley!

SOUND: More awful squishy noises. They persist throughout the scene.

Rich: Is this what you kids would call ASMR?

Evelyn: [irritated] I still don’t know what that means.

Riley: We’ve been over this, Evelyn. It stands for America’s Secret Moon Reptiles. [Beat] How’s it looking under the hood, Rich?

Rich: [frustrated] I’m not a mechanic. And it’s a mess in here. When was the last time you cleaned?

Riley: [offended] I can send you down there with a broom if you like. Rich: No need to get snippy, I’m just doing my job.

SOUND: Riley coughing violently. Gross, squishy reshuffling noises.

Rich: [sharp inhale] Well, I just lost my place…Wait, have you had an appendectomy?

Riley: Yup, performed it and disposed of the medical waste myself. Shows I don’t need some quack getting elbow-deep in my guts to keep me healthy.

Rich: [sarcastic] Of course, and I suppose you ate the offending organ afterward?

Riley: Yeah! How’d you guess?

SOUND: Rich frustratedly rummaging around again. Squish. Squelch. Rich sighing.

Rich: Riley, darling, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but how are you even alive?

Riley: Spite, mostly.

Evelyn: That may be the truest thing they’ve said all day.

Riley: What’s with all this slander against my body anyway? I bet I can do way more cool shit with my organs than you can. I can make them move independently, or have them change sizes and positions! I can even make my liver talk on cue. You wanna see?

Rich: No, thank you, I’ve seen quite enough already. The condition of your insides is absolutely horrific.

Evelyn: Seriously, though, I’ve seen them do it. It’s both terrifying, and hard to look away from. Like our Twitter mentions.

Rich: I have absolutely no reason to dispute that. And frankly, I would prefer to keep my lunch down.

Riley: Your loss. Coward. [coughing fit]

SOUND: More gross, squishy noises.

Rich: I think I’ve found the stomach. [beat] Mother of God…

Riley: She ain’t in there. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Rich: It just keeps going...and going…

Evelyn: [disconcertingly chipper] I was in there twice!

Riley: Good times.

Rich: [under his breath] So you’re the people the internet warned me about…

Riley: No, we’re the people the internet warned you about.

Evelyn: Heck yeah!

Rich: Is this floss or fishing wire?

Riley: Whatever it was, it tasted like ribbon candy.

Rich: Well, I’m taking it out.

Riley: Hey, I was digesting that. Rude.

Rich: It appears to be connected to a chunk of wood… With the inscription ‘This machine kills party poopers’...

Evelyn: Wasn’t that the mass-murdering counselor from that summer camp?

Riley: Jordy P! I wonder what he’s up to these days.

Evelyn: You ate him, Riles.

Riley: Oh yeah, so I did. Good catch, Ev.

Rich: [getting a bit nervous] For the record, my husband knows I’m here. Just so you’re aware. [beat] Huh. Odd to be on this side of the conversation.

Evelyn: Aww, husband. Good for both of you!

Riley: And yet, you were still coming onto me earlier. You fuckin’ doctors make me sick.

SOUND: Rich absolutely baffled as he pulls out the total atomic vaporizer.

Rich: What the fuck is this? A toy laser gun… with uranium in it?

Riley: That thing was no toy, lemme tell you. You don’t know hell until you’ve suffered atomic indigestion. And I’ve been to actual hell.

Rich: [truly horrified] I’m feeling pre-cancerous just looking at this thing. How long has this been inside you?

Riley: I dunno, like five months? Maybe?

Rich: [makes a pained noise through clenched teeth] I’m at a loss for words...How?

Riley: I’m just built different, dude.

Evelyn: Riley’s stomach is kind of like a pocket universe. Except everything that goes there dies.

Riley: So it’s just like our universe.

Evelyn: (baffled) Yeah, I guess.

SOUND: The toad croaks.

Rich: I agree. Riley: I knew you’d come to appreciate my wisdom. Rich: I was talking to the toad.

SOUND: Squishy noises.

Rich: Huh, looks like a name tag and part of a uniform. Ring any bells?

Riley: [beat] That doesn’t narrow it down.

Rich: Belongs to a Mister Jon... Wheel er. Know him?

Evelyn: It’s complicated. But we can give it to him if we ever see each other again!

Riley: I don’t think he wants it. Or to see us.

Rich: This is giving me flashb acks to shark week…

Evelyn: I love sharks!

Riley: Oh shit, is there a shark in there? He’s gonna steal all my snacks!

Rich: Nevermind, forget I said anything. Let me see what else I can salvage.

[BEAT]

Rich: Is that... Is that Mario?

Evelyn: Oh no, the toad got to you too!

Rich: [frantic; desperate] No, it isn’t Toad, I’m positive it’s Mario. He’s down there looking at me with those cold, dead eyes. [takes a deep breath] I need a quick break, mind if I smoke in here?

Riley: You can’t smoke in here with my lungs all exposed like this! The nicotine will seep into my blood and make me lose all my health bar and then implant nanobots to control me to buy cigarettes because that’s what the government WANTS.

[LONG BEAT]

Rich: So I’ll go upstairs then. I’ll be back in a tick.

SOUND: Rich leaving with his soul damaged. Door closes.

Riley: [sighs; relieved] Nice to give your organs some air sometimes, y’know?

Evelyn: No, Riley, I don’t know. The last time any of my organs got some air, a stage light had just crushed my head.

Riley: Jeez. Way to make it about you. I’m the sick one here- HEALTHY ONE! I’m so healthy it makes me sick. Ugh. One sec, lemme put these away.

SOUND: Gross, fleshy shapeshifting noises.

Riley: Insides back inside.

Evelyn: Yay, I guess?

Riley: Is it weird that seeing my guts like that made me hungry?

Evelyn: Not by your standards, no.

Riley: Sweet. I’ll take it. Maybe I’ll borrow one of Dr. Hugh Grant’s beers to fill the void, he owes me that much at least.

SOUND: Riley opens the cooler.

Riley: Oh shit, it’s full of organs! Jackpot!

Evelyn: Riley, don’t! You don’t know who they came from!

Riley: Yeah, but I know who they’re going into. Snack time.

SOUND: Riley grossly scarfing down the organs.

Evelyn: Well, at least they’re getting their appetite back.

SOUND: Riley belches. Satisfied.

Riley: Ahhh. That hit the spot.

Evelyn: You’re stealing Dr. Bates’ organs, Ril es. He may be an obvious murderer, but that’s no reason for us to stoop to his level.

Riley: Nah. The way I see it, he spent the last ten minutes stealing shit from my stomach. This is just the law of Equivalent Exchange.

SOUND: The basement door opens, Rich re-enters, looking more calm and composed, he’s even fixed his hair. That’s a little treat for transcript readers.

Rich: I just had a lovely chat with your mother. Charming woman, she’s invited me over for tea sometime in-- [pause] Why is the cooler open? [panic rises] Why is the cooler empty?!

SOUND: Riley burps.

Rich: [deep inhale] Riley, please explain to me why my products are no longer in their container?

Riley: Products? That’s a weird way of saying lunch.

Evelyn: Riles, I don’t think he means lunch.

Rich: [now getting absolutely furious, but trying so hard to hide it behind some level of professionalism] Do you have any idea what you’ve done? How much money those were worth?!

SOUND: Riley’s stomach gurgles.

Riley: I think you should ask the deli for your money back, they’re not sitting right. [groans]

Rich: Those are transplant organs, you absolute imbecile!

Riley: Ugh. My body is rejecting these transplants. Where’s that frog? I need a health boost.

Evelyn: You don’t look so good, Riley. Some might even say you’re sick...

Riley: I am in PERFECT. PHYSICAL. HEALTH.

Rich: You...You’ll pay for this.

Riley: [dealing with stomach discomfort] Oh, believe me, I’m paying for it.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach gurgles. Riley groans in pain.

Rich: [deep frustrated breaths, voice shaky] Evelyn, would you be a dear and float over that pillow for me?

Evelyn: Uh, sure, Dr. Bates.

Rich: Thank you, darling.

SOUND: Ghost-powered floating pillow. Rich grabs the pillow and shrieks into it.

Rich: Okay. I’m back.

Riley: Feel better? Because I sure don’t. Not that I’m sick.

Rich: [he’s lost it, professionalism out the fucking window] THAT’S IT. NO MORE DOCTOR NICE GUY. I’ve laid down the charm for you ungrateful reprobates all evening!

Evelyn: Eleven AM.

Rich: Whatever! Since I got here, it’s been nothing but… fucking weird! This has to be the worst musty basement I’ve ever performed surgery in! I may need to lobotomize myself to forget that this nightmare ever happened!

Riley: [groans] My tummy...

Rich: I don’t give a flying FUCK about that labyrinthine horror show you call a tummy! You’ve just eaten my biggest paycheck yet, I’ll be out hundreds of thousands of dollars in black market checks thanks to your absolute buffoonery! You’ve ruined me, you freaky little clown! You gremlin! You complete and utter knobhead!

SOUND: Riley violently projectile vomits all over Doctor Richard Bates. When it ends, Evelyn just gasps.

Evelyn: Riley...You could have at least aimed that super spew away from him…

Riley: You say that like this was premeditated. [beat] Oh my god...I feel good. No, better than good, I feel amazing! Holy fuck...You cured me, Doc!

Rich: [harrowed; voice shaking] I’ve been...chundered...flotsammed... jetsammed...

Riley: I can’t believe it, Ev...You’ve found the one trustworthy doctor! Rich, my man, my dude, you’re a miracle worker. How much do my parents owe you?

Rich: The sum you owe can never be paid in full.

Riley: I’ll keep your number handy anyway.

Evelyn: I mean, it is good to have a doctor Riley trusts. We’ll call you in the future whenever they get into a weird medical oopsie.

Riley: And that isn’t too much pressure. It’s two, three times a week, tops.

Rich: [completely lost it] NO! NEVER AGAIN! I NEVER want to see you and this HELLHOLE you call a basement for the rest of my NATURAL LIFE. [voice shaky; welling up] I’m going to go home, take a long, long, long, long shower...

SOUND: Rich storming off. Croak. He grabs the toad.

Rich: AND I’M TAKING THE FROG WITH ME!

Evelyn: IT’S A TOAD!

SOUND: The door slamming. Hard.

Riley: I like him.

Evelyn: Yeah, could be worse. At least he was polite.

Riley: Man, I’m feeling so good! Not that I was super sick before, but I feel fucking fantastic now.

Evelyn: So, you feel well enough to clean up this disgusting mess?

Riley: Well... Maybe I’ll take a nap first. [beat] Hey, is that Mario?

Evelyn: [War flashbacks] Oh no, it’s happening again…

Riley: No, look!

SOUND: Riley rummages through the puke. Pulls out a Mario Amiibo.

Riley: Fuck, it’s an Amiibo.

Evelyn: Oh wow, that is Mario. Wait, his overalls are the wrong shade of blue… Oh my god.

Riley: What?

Evelyn: On the news! They were running a story about a fake Mario toy recall because the plastic was contaminated by a nearby arsenic factory! And you could tell which ones because the bootleg versions had the wrong blue for his pants!

Riley: Huh, in hindsight, this explains a lot…

Evelyn: Not really. How did this end up in your tummy?

Riley: I ate it to gain its power so I could beat Rainbow Road, obviously.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Yeah, obviously. Why would I even need to ask?

[END]

Scott: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was written by Jasper Taylor, Henry Galley, and Gus Zagarella, and audio engineered by me, Scott Thomas. With episode art by Jasper Taylor. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Will de Renzy-Martin as Dr. Richard Bates, Gus Zagarella as Flauros, Scott Thomas as the marketing executive, and Ricardo the Toad as himself.

Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow, and our theme song was composed by Nick Heilman and Makayla Crider.

Want to find out more about Less Is Morgue? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue, tumblr at LessIsMorguePod, and on our Facebook Page at Less Is Morgue Podcast. Want to support the show, and gain access to fun stuff like stickers, behind the scenes facts, and exclusive minisodes for as little as a dollar a month? Check out our patreon at LessIsMorgue!

Riley realises a rat has infiltrated the bathroom and attempts to catch it. Evelyn tries to have it humanely disposed of by a pair of ancient and powerful Cockney pest controllers who end up being more of a problem than they bargained for.

+transcript

SOUND: Scuffling, a plastic clunk of a bucket on the ground.

Evelyn: Riley, what are you doing?

Riley: [perturbed] I saw it somewhere around here.

Evelyn: Saw what? What are you looking for?

Riley: There’s a rat in the basement.

Evelyn: Aww cute!

Riley: Don’t get attached, Ev - when I catch it, I’m putting it in a sandwich.

Evelyn: No, don’t hurt it! [Beat] Uhhh, Riley, are we recording?

Riley: [distracted] Nah, I don’t think so.

Evelyn: Okay, so there’s a rat in the basement, what are you gonna do?

Riley: I'm gonna fix that rat, that's what I'm gonna do.

SOUND: A small squeak and scuttle of small paws.

Evelyn: Aww, he is cute!

Riley: Ev, he’s probably riddled with diseases.

Evelyn: And yet you want to eat him?

Riley: To hide the evidence - if my parents find out I’ve brought pests into the house they’ll try and evict me again. And the mandatory family counselling sessions are bad enough! Now, hold still, little guy.

SOUND: Riley pounces and clatters to the floor, small paws scuttling away.

Evelyn: Did that hurt?

Riley: Only my pride. And my shins.

Evelyn: We could just leave him to do his thing. I mean, he’s not hurting anyone.

Riley: He’s hurting me, Ev - listen!

SOUND: A short, awkward pause followed by a small growl of Riley’s stomach.

Riley: See?

Evelyn: Riley, you know I support you, but if you eat that rat I will keep you up all night singing Nickleback’s Greatest Hits.

Riley: You wouldn’t…

Evelyn: [singing, loudly] LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH -

Riley: ENOUGH OF THIS! Fine, what do you suggest?

Evelyn: Why don’t we call pest control?

Riley: Because this basement has an unusually high mortality rate? Most of the corporeal beings who set foot in here end up as severed heads, wandering spirits, or in my toilet - or some combination of all three.

Evelyn: If I still had a stomach, I’d be sick right now. But I still think we should call a professional.

Riley: [annoyed] Let’s see who’s local.

SOUND: Tapping on laptop.

Riley: ‘Katch It With Kratchit’, how about this guy? His reviews are...wow, that is a lot of stars.

Evelyn: I didn’t know they let reviewers give more than five.

Riley: The reviews are probably all his dummy accounts, let’s see how he holds up in-person.

SOUND: Phone dialling noises. A squeak and scuttle.

Riley: There you are, you little bastard!

SOUND: A crash as Riley yeets themselves across the room. Phone continues ringing.

Wackford Kratchit: [over phone line] ‘Ello, Katch it with Kratchit.

Evelyn: Uhhh...hi, sorry can you hear me?

Wackford Kratchit: ‘Course I can, luv. What can I do ya for?

Riley: [from the floor] The fuck is that accent?

Evelyn: We’ve got a rat in our basement and -

Wackford Kratchit: Just one rat? Not a colony ‘a rats? Not a family ‘a rats? Not even two rats? Just the one?

Evelyn: Uh, yes?

Wackford Kratchit: Perfek, I’ll clock off for an early lunch afterwards. 247 Mayhem Way, yes? Just got to finish up anuvva job, an’ I’ll be there any second.

Evelyn: Any second, are you sure?

Wackford Kratchit: That’s a near-perfect rough estimate.

Evelyn: Good, because this is an emergency, my roommate wants to eat the rat, and I’d rather we didn’t hurt the little guy and just got him out of here safely.

Wackford Kratchit: Don’t you worry, miss - he’ll be sippin’ a pina colada in Barbados before you can say Oliver Twist.

SOUND: Dial tone.

Evelyn: Wait, how did he know our address?

SOUND: Riley pulls out a chair and slumps down.

Evelyn: No luck?

Riley: [clearly pissed] Nope.

Evelyn: Well, you tried. Might as well give up and leave it up to the professionals.

Riley: You’re forgetting the Riley Almanzor credo, Ev: ignore the odds, expose the truth and -

Evelyn: Never quit while you’re ahead?

Riley: Exactly! I’m gonna go and get bait.

Evelyn: Isn’t that a waste of food? You love food!

Riley: [getting distant] It’s all going to the same place, and that place is in me - if anything, putting the cheese in the rat makes the process more efficient.

SOUND: Dashing footsteps up the stairs and the slamming of a door.

Evelyn: Ah, beans - their tactics are evolving.

SOUND: Small squeak as rat crawls onto table.

Evelyn: Don’t worry, little guy, I’ll make sure you’re taken out of here humanely. But Kratchit’s taking too long, we need reinforcements. Let’s see here, this guy’s reviews say ‘he responds so fast, he gets to you before you’ve even called’.

Bob Sketter: [abrupt] ‘Allo.

Evelyn: [yelps]

Bob Sketter: Sorry ta startle ya there, missus. Bob Sketter the Rat Getter, at ya service. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, miss…?

Evelyn: Um, I’m Evelyn - also, hold up, how did you get here? And how can you see me?

Bob Sketter: You must be an o’phan, miss!

Evelyn: No, my parents are...wait...I don’t actually know, I haven’t seen them in seventeen years and [beat] wow, that’s really sad.

Bob Sketter: Um, well I see dead o’phans and sometimes they grant me wishes.

Evelyn: Why?

Bob Sketter: What are you, a fuckin bobby?

Evelyn: What?

Bob Sketter: Right, no good stood ‘ere chin-waggin’, let’s see the damage.

SOUND: Footsteps.

Bob Sketter: Blimey, you’ve had some cowboys in ‘ere. It's lucky you called me when you did, luv or this could have ran up some real costs.

Evelyn: This isn’t my house, Riley will pay you with [awkwardly attempting to lie]...the money...that they have...from their...job...that they do...at the...bank?

Bob Sketter: [confused] That is usually the essence of the arrangement, luv. ‘Ere, stick the kettle on will ya? I'm spittin' fevvers 'ere.

Evelyn: You’re not gonna hurt him, are you? Because I will not tolerate animal abuse in this basement.

Bob Sketter: Rest easy, sunshine, I’m the Rat Getter (beat) I just like ta...hold them.

Evelyn: Well, that’s unsettling but...okay.

Bob Sketter: Where’s this bloody rat, then?

SOUND: Door opening.

Wackford Kratchit: I'm lookin' at 'im.

Bob Sketter: Those a’ fightin' words, ya gruel-suckin' todger!

Wackford Kratchit: Yo u’re one to talk, ya smog-huffin’ wrong’un.

Evelyn: Wait, you two know each other?

Wackford Kratchit: Un-for-chu-nately, this town is big enough for the two of us.

Evelyn: Tallahassee is a pretty big city, it’s not that weird for it to have more than one pest guy.

Bob Sketter: It is when they’re two pest blokes like us, luv.

Wackford Kratchit: As much as I hate to agree with this plonker, that’s right. We’ve been catching rats since before there were rats.

Evelyn: How?

Wackford Kratchit: [dropping accent] Don’t think about it.

Bob Sketter: We’ve controlled the sorts ‘a pests you wouldn’t believe, in worlds long before the dawn of this one.

Wackford Kratchit: They don’t tell ya this, but pest-controllin’ isn’t just a job.

Bob Sketter: It’s a callin’.

Wackford Kratchit: It’s a way ‘a life.

Bob Sketter: It’s part ‘a yer soul, like your eye cullah.

Wackford Kratchit: Or the size ‘a your cock.

Bob Sketter: And that, Kratchit, is why you’re half the pest controller I am - [quieter, but with intensity] and you got ‘alf the cock to match.

Wackford Kratchit: Shut your arse, you shrub-dodging buntyman.

Bob Sketter: Why don’t you come over ‘ere and try shuttin’ it for me, you-

Evelyn: Guys, we don't have time, a rat's life is on the line and we need to get him out of here before-

SOUND: Riley re-enters.

Riley: [continuous] We didn't have any cheese so I had to run to the 7-11 and also who the fuck are these Dickensian dickheads?

Evelyn: [screaming in horror] Oh no, Riley’s back - you two, stop calling each other strange England words and save the rat from their jaws of death!

Riley: THERE WILL BE NO ESCAPE! I’m gonna eat that rat, Ev - and neither you nor these chimney-sweep lookin’ assholes can stop me.

SOUND: Riley skitters across the room.

Evelyn: Will you guys please help? Can’t you work together or something?

Wackford Kratchit: Work? [beat] With? [beat] Him? After what ‘e did?

Evelyn: Do all pest controllers have so much baggage?

Bob Sketter: When you been around as long as we ‘ave, luv -

Evelyn: I GET IT, you’re the immortal, ancient type of pest controllers! Look, it’s clear you guys aren’t going to be able to work together until you sort out your issues, so I guess it’s Evelyn Hooper, Queen of Emotional Labour to the rescue. Kratchit, why don’t you start?

Wackford Kratchit: Let me take you back to the long-forgotten days of Ye Olde England. It was the best of times -

Bob Sketter: No, it wasn’t! It was the wo’st of times!

Wackford Kratchit: Do you wanna tell it then?

Evelyn: Guys, come on!

Riley: [in background] Come on, little rat. It looks cold under the bathtub...I know somewhere warm...just come on out and take this fucking brie I stole so I can eat you, you little shit!

Wackford Kratchit: I was only a young’un at the time, had been for centuries. I was freezin’ my bollocks off, the only food I had was a hot pie from me mam, and THIS PRICK -

Evelyn: He stole your food?

Wackford Kratchit: Nah, ‘e fucked me mam!

Bob Sketter: Yea, an’ she was crap!

Wackford Kratchit: Not like your mam’s any better!

Bob Sketter: Oy!

Wackford Kratchit: Oi!

Bob Sketter: [louder, longer] OYY!

Wackford Kratchit: [louder, longer] OII!

Bob Sketter: [louder, longer] OYYY!

Wackford Kratchit: [louder, longer] OIII!

Evelyn: MAKE IT STOP!

Bob Sketter: Why don’t you tell ‘em what ‘appened after that? This coffin-dodger tried to get me back by usin’ ‘is mind powers -

Evelyn: MIND POWERS?!

Wackford Kratchit: Yeah, I got mind powers, this’un got time powers, there’s a bunch’a other blokes like us. They got powers like space, reality, power.

Bob Sketter: That’s a really good one.

Wackford Kratchit: Oh, and one of ‘em’s got the power ‘a soul - don’t catch many rats, but he’s one helluva singer.

Bob Sketter: Golden voice. Anyways, this one here uses ‘is mind powers, controls the tiny minds of all the rats ‘e can find - rats ‘ave simple minds, makes ‘em easier ta control, y’see.

Riley: [in background] Come out of there, you tasty, furry bastard.

Evelyn: Riley! Hurry it along guys, they’re getting closer to the poor rat. Bob, why don’t you tell me what happened next?

Bob Sketter: I’ll tell ya! This bastard went and started The Black Plague just to get back at me!

Evelyn: Wait, you killed a third of Europe?!

Wackford Kratchit: Eh, for my money it was a bit of a cock-up. But, when ya think about it, it don’t half make me a good exterminator.

Evelyn: YOU’RE PEST CONTROL, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HUMANE! You’re telling me you two have been playing this petty game of cat and mouse for centuries?

Wackford Kratchit: Yeh, and I’m the cat.

Bob Sketter: Fuck you, I’m the cat!

Wackford Kratchit: Got that right, I ain’t ever seen a bigger pussy.

Bob Sketter: I ‘ave - on Mrs Kratchit!

Evelyn: GUYS! Look, you’ve been fighting about this forever, have you really gained anything from dwelling on things from the past?

Riley: [in background] Okay, I know you can’t talk...

SOUND: Squeak.

Riley: [in background still]...but I’m gonna say ‘Marco’, and then you have to run into my mouth.

Evelyn: We’re losing time! Can’t you guys just put your history aside, for a few minutes, to save this rat from my hungry friend?

Bob Sketter: Fine, I’ll deal with this. Move aside, Kratchit, you slotbadger. This is a man’s job.

Wackford Kratchit: You think you’re ‘ard, Bob? I’ll spark you out, you two-pin din plug, you ain’t shit!

Evelyn: [demonic] BOTH OF YOU SHAKE HANDS AND MAKE UP OR I SWEAR I WILL WRITE REVIEWS SO BAD THAT IT DESTROYS YOUR YELP AVERAGES.

Bob Sketter: Alright, alright, let’s not be too ‘asty.

Wackford Kratchit: Yeh, fine, we’ll let bygones piss off and get gone.

SOUND: Handshake.

Bob Sketter: Now, let’s catch some rats.

Wackford Kratchit: It’s just the one rat, you shit.

Bob Sketter: [angry] I’ll deck you, you bloody -

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Jaunty music - you know, the type of fire bars they play in elevators.

Wackford Kratchit: Got a pest problem that you need solvin’ fast? Don’t ‘ang about, call Katch It With Kratchit and we’ll -

SOUND: Wackford gets decked.

Bob Sketter: No, don’t listen to this tosspot! Call me instead - Bob Sketter the Rat Getter’s the name, and catchin’ rats is my...[beat] job. Call now and -

SOUND: A scuffle, Wackford wrestles Bob to the ground.

Wackford Kratchit: ‘E’s a nonce, don’t trust him - I’ve seen his hands.

Bob Sketter: [chanting, being choked] Kratchit smells like cat shit, Kratchit smells like cat shit!

Wackford Kratchit: Bob will fuck your cat!

Riley: Is...is this one of those weird ads...but live?

Evelyn: I didn’t know those happened when we weren’t recording

Riley: Are they scheduled? Is it to do with like...the sun?

Evelyn: How come you stopped chasing the rat?

Riley: Little fucker evaded me.

Evelyn: I thought you had bait?

Riley: [defeated] I ate it.

Evelyn: Wait, you ate cheese? But aren’t you lacto-

Riley: Ev, when there is brie, that’s just how I be. I’m gonna go back to the store, can you make sure this Cosmic Cockney cock-measuring cock fight doesn’t level my house, or I think my mom might tear my atoms apart.

Evelyn: Can she do that?

Riley: I wasn’t always an only child, Ev.

Evelyn: I’m going to ignore the implications of that because...they’re horrifying.

SOUND: Riley leaves. Sounds of intense fighting.

Evelyn: Guys, stop!

Wackford Kratchit: THIS IS FOR FUCKING ME MAM!

Bob Sketter: YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE WHEN I FUCKED YA MAM!

Wackford Kratchit: What you on about?

Bob Sketter: I went back in time to fuck ya mam, must’ve been about nine months before...wait.

Wackford Kratchit: Dad? [pause] YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR MEEEE!

Bob Sketter: Any son ‘a mine would be something less shite than a fuckin’ pest controller - YOU’RE A LOSER, JUST LIKE YER OLD MAN!

SOUND: Fighting continues, over it the rat scuttles onto the table and squeaks.

Evelyn: I’m with you, Mr Rat, I am so confused.

SOUND: Door opening.

Teddy: Uh...hello? Riley? I heard strange British accents, did you take my Peaky Blinders DVDs?

Evelyn: Teddy, help! Now would be a really good time for you to start believing in my existence!

SOUND: A lamp smashes as it is hurled at Teddy.

Teddy: H-hey! Riley loved that lamp! Y-you’ll have to pay for that, mister!

Wackford Kratchit: PISS OFF YODA, THIS AIN’T GOT ANYTHIN’ TA DO WITH YOU!

Teddy: [quietly to himself] Why, god...I didn’t ask for this life.

SOUND: Door closing.

Evelyn: Will SOMEONE please help me?!

SOUND: The fighting continues, objects being thrown, hands are also being thrown.

Bob Sketter: I can feel what ya playin’ at, lad - you won’t get inside my mind, Kratchit!

Wackford Kratchit: You’ll break soon, Bob, it’s what old men do!

Bob Sketter: We’re immortal, our age is jus’ an arbitrary numerical designation, like askin’ how long a piece ‘a string is!

Wackford Kratchit: Well, you’re an arbitrary [reaching]...prick!

Bob Sketter: I’m gonna travel back in time an’ kick your ten-year-old self in the nuts!

Wackford Kratchit: Wait…[slowly getting idea] time...travel...nuts!

Bob Sketter: Don’t you do it, Kratchit! I can see what you’re plannin’, don’t even think about it!

Wackford Kratchit: Now ya scared, Bob - time ta bring out the big guns, better ‘ave a tidy up in there because…’EEERE’S KRATCHY!

SOUND: Shockwave as Wackford unleashes his psychic powers.

Bob Sketter: [dazed groaning noises]

Evelyn: What...what did you do to him?

Wackford Kratchit: [panting] Took full control of ‘is mind, miss - don’t worry, won’t charge any extra for this - this I do for free.

Evelyn: And by ‘this’, you mean…?

Wackford Kratchit: [epicly, waited his whole life for this line] Pest control. Now, Bob.

Bob Sketter: [mesmerised] Yes, Mister Kratchit.

Wackford Kratchit: ‘Ere’s what you’re gonna do: you’re gonna go back in time, stop yourself from fucken’ me mam, and then apologise to ‘er for bein’ a right dog of a bloke. [Getting carried away, enjoying the power] AND THEN you’re gonna go and kick your ten-year-old self in the mouf AND THE NUTS.

Bob Sketter: [still mesmerised] I obey - still, what a pisser.

SOUND: A zap as Bob Sketter disappears.

Wackford Kratchit: Right, one rat down, one to go! Now, missus, sorry for the delay but I’ll start by laying some bait for the little bugger, then next week I’ll install a one-way valve to-

Evelyn: Mr Kratchit, your hand’s disintegrating - is that normal?

Wackford Kratchit: Not to worry, that’ll just be - ah, fuck.

Evelyn: Now all of you is disintegrating.

Wackford Kratchit: I can see that, miss. That’s time travel for ya, so complica-

SOUND: A gentle whoosh as Wackford becomes dust and fades from existence. Riley returns.

Riley: Hey, someone broke that shitty lamp. Also, where did the Brits go?

Evelyn: From what I understand...which isn’t much, Kratchit made Bob go back in time to un-canoodle his mom.

Riley: He erased himself from existence? Big mood. So, shouldn’t Bob have come back to finish catching the rat?

Evelyn: That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Maybe, by changing the past, Bob altered the course of his own history, forever shifting the sequence of events that brought him here to the basement.

Riley: Ev, I don’t care.

Evelyn: You’re right, maybe it would be better if all of us didn’t think about it too much. Let’s just try and take a positive lesson out of this whole thing, like...protecting the environment or never taking PCP.

Riley: Or that the best way to catch a rat…

SOUND: Riley scrambles under the bathtub.

Riley: IS TO DO IT YOURSELF!

Evelyn: Riley, there has been enough suffering in this basement for one day!

Riley: But I just stole some better cheese! The fancy expensive shit with the French names.

Evelyn: [demonic] ALMANZOR, YOU MUST STOP!

Riley: [slightly intimidated] Okay, sorry, Ev. For what it’s worth, I think the rat’s gotten away.

SOUND: Riley eats the cheese.

Evelyn: Well, that’s something.

Riley: I mean, I wasn’t even hungry anymore, I just ate like, four wedges of cheese.

Evelyn: You only brought home two wedges of cheese.

Riley: [ashamed] No, I stole four and ate two on the way back - defeat makes me hangry. I suppose, in a way, part of me just didn’t want to feel like I ’m dumber than a tiny animal. And then I got frustrated when I couldn’t catch it, because that felt like proof - my inability to catch one rat served as confirmation of my deepest insecurities. At that point, it was something I had to defeat, for the sake of my own sanity.

Evelyn: You know, Riley, I’m glad you’re getting better at talking about the way you feel.

Riley: Thanks, Ev.

SOUND: Squeak.

Riley: Did...did you just squeak?

Evelyn: No, the rat’s been sitting in your hair for about five minutes now.

Riley: [gasps] Why didn’t you say something? YOU MADE ME ACKNOWLEDGE MY FEELINGS, THIS IS ENTRAPMENT.

Evelyn: But, before you do anything, isn’t it wonderful that this rat helped you learn something about yourself? Isn’t that a good enough reason to spare it? Riley: You make a good point, Ev. [beat] but emotional vulnerability also makes me hangry.

SOUND: A scuffle and distressed squeak, Riley slams the rat down on the table.

Riley: Any last words- Any last squeaks, you insolent rodent?

Evelyn: Well, congratulations, Riley - you proved you’re smarter than a rat, not that that’s saying much.

Ratthew: That, my dear, depends on the rat.

SOUND: A blast of light, and angelic singing.

Evelyn: What the heck? Why can I hear singing?

Riley: And where’s that light coming from, WE’RE IN A BASEMENT!

Evelyn: Riley, don’t pretend that’s even in the top ten weirdest things to happen in here today.

Ratthew: Greetings, Riley of Colony Alma nzor, and Ascended Evelyn of Colony Hooper.

Riley: Ah, fuck - even the rat’s got a British accent.

Evelyn: Mr Rat, you can talk?

Ratthew: Please, Mr Rat was my father’s name.

Evelyn: Oh, so what is your name?

Ratthew: Rat is short for Ratthew. Long have I hidden my true consciousness, waiting for one worthy to receive the boon of my almost limitless knowledge!

Riley: Spill it, Biggie Cheese, because I’ve already met Dave the Ancient Alien and he was a massive let-down.

Ratthew: My truths surpass even his! For they have far more practical application.

Evelyn: Maybe we should hear Ratthew out, Riley.

Ratthew: Indeed! I can reveal to you many great secrets of life, the universe and...several other things! I see all, I know all - I can tell you the cure for ligma, how to reverse climate change, the reason why you always lose one of your socks. And, as reward for catching me, and making your nest so hospitable for me and my millions upon millions of children -

Evelyn: [quietly] We should maybe look into that one-way valve thing.

Ratthew: I will unveil all to you! You can become as omniscient as I, learn the truths from which the very fabric of reality is woven. I will be your guide, your teacher - I can explain to you, the very origins of life, the science to perfecting space travel and the recipe for a perfect souffle that melts in the mouth with a moist center.

SOUND: Subtle, near-inaudible stomach rumble.

Ratthew: Most importantly, I can aid in your coming struggles.

Evelyn: Struggles? You mean there’s more? Nice to know that doesn’t change.

Ratthew: Indeed, child. For I have seen the grave things still to come. There is a great darkness on the horizon for you, Riley and Evelyn, a devastating calamity that threatens the safety of this entire dimension, and every other. Soon it will be upon us, and you will need my knowledge to stop the machinations of the one they call T--

SOUND: Chomping sound and dying squeak as Riley eats Ratthew. They burp.

Evelyn: [disappointed but unsurprised] Really, Almanzor?

Riley: Really. Let’s see how long Mr Smarty Rat lasts in my digestive tract - I don’t fancy his chances.

Evelyn: Why are you like this?

Riley: [burps] Years of parental neglect, Ev. Shit, have we been recording this whole time? Oh fuckdammit, I’m gonna get so many hate tweets for eating the rat.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach groans.

Riley: Stupid rodent’s gonna cause me as much trouble coming out as it did going in.

Evelyn: No, that’s probably the four wedges of cheese you, a lactose-intolerant ghoul, decided to inhale during your quest to kill a rat that held the secrets of the universe.

Riley: I guess...the mouse always wins.

Evelyn: He was a rat, Riley.

[SQUEAK]

In honor of the new season, Riley and Evelyn decide to do some spring cleaning, removing some of Riley’s vast collection of old junk from the basement. In their zealousness, they decide to get Riley some new clothes, ditching their old and ratty hoodie. However, the Hoodie isn’t ready to go - and begins harassing our two heroes over its feelings of abandonment.

+transcript

Riley: You can’t do this to me, Evelyn. It’s cruel. It’s psychopathic. It’s positively inhuman. Not that human is synonymous with good!

Evelyn: Don’t be so melodramatic, Riley. It’s just a little spring cleaning.

Riley: In front of the whole internet? Please, Ev- I only just reclaimed my ability to use the bathroom without being witnessed by a scratched-up pizza boy ghost. Now you’re gonna rip away the one single crumb of privacy I have by literally airing my dirty laundry?

Evelyn: It’s an audio medium, they can’t see any of this!

Riley: That’s what you think. The deep web is full of hackers with secret cameras.

Evelyn: What better way to check for those cameras than a thorough reorganising session?

Riley: Fine. I guess I-

SOUND: Intro music.

Riley: -Concede.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, the deep web hackers haven’t gotten you yet!

Riley: They used to say that there was a McDonalds on every continent except Antarctica, but recent polar expeditions and advanced satellite photography revealed that Antarctica did have a McDonalds frozen under the ice. Core samples were taken of its golden arches, revealing that the restaurant dated all the way back to the precambrian era. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your Best Ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with The Most!

Riley: And this is Less is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Yes, Riley?

Riley: Would you mind telling the listeners what you’ve done to my basement today?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been watching a lot of videos lately where people try to embrace minimalism by completely reorganising their living spaces, and I thought Riley and I could use some of that in our lives. And deaths.

Riley: For the record, I’m against minimalism on principle.

Evelyn: You’re against a lot of things on principle.

Riley: You’re damn right I am, it’s because I have so many principles!

Evelyn: Well, enlighten me, what’s wrong with minimalism?

Riley: Listen - long time fans of the show will know that I haven’t exactly had a charmed upbringing. My dad is a dolt who doesn’t understand me, and my mom used to put mouse traps in my toybox when I was a kid. I have no siblings, only a selection of cousins who never visit and pretend they don’t know me if they see me in public. And Shaz. People haven’t really been there for me for the better part of my life, is what I’m saying.

Evelyn: Except me, right?

Riley: [begrudging] Yes, except you... Anyway, people disappoint me constantly, but things don’t! I can trust things! Things would never sign me up for soccer camp and leave me there until mid-October, mom!

Evelyn: So you’re vocally anti-capitalist, but you love having material possessions.

Riley: That’s childhood trauma for you, it makes you not make sense.

Evelyn: Well, on that depressing note...I think ‘minimalism’ was the wrong word to use. I have no intention of making you throw out your comfort items, I just think we ought to get rid of all the stuff you don’t want anymore.

Riley: That’s fair. But, Evelyn, do we really have to do this on-air?

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: If there’s no record of this, there’s no accountability, which means you won’t do it. Remember all those times you said you were gonna wash the barbecue sauce out of your sheets?

Riley: I told you last time, I’ll get around to it!

Evelyn: That was over 4 months ago!

Riley: Time is a construct!

Evelyn: Let’s just rip this bandaid off and get cleaning!

Riley: If it’ll get you off my back so I can return to writing the next chapter of The Sword of R’lyeh, fine. Let’s start with this pile.

SOUND: Clattering items.

Riley: This is almost as tall as me, fuck.

Evelyn: And this is the smallest of three piles. I’m honestly impressed you were able to fit this much stuff into this basement. It’s not that big of a space.

Riley: I’ve been very creative with my storage. Under the bed is where I keep clothes, behind the TV is where I keep my collection of swords and crossbow paraphernalia, I keep all my board games in the dryer, and my books that don’t fit in the bookcase go in the washing machine. I think my organisation system works.

Evelyn: Aside from the times when your books get soggy.

Riley: If I give ‘em a few minutes by the radiator they’re still legible. Mostly.

Evelyn: So, what have you got there?

SOUND: Riley picks up an item from the pile and the whole pile collapses.

Riley: Jesus, this is like playing extreme jenga. [beat] Hang on, I just have to move my box of extreme jenga. Uhhh, this is my light-up tiki mug from Big Uri’s Undead Tiki Bar in Fort Lauderdale. I could probably use this to hold pens and pencils… Let’s see if it still works.

SOUND: A small jet of flame shoots out of the mug.

Evelyn: Yikes! Maybe don’t put pencils in there- nothing made of wood should go near that.

Riley: Oh come on, it’s not that big of a fire hazard. It’s pretty cool.

Evelyn: What’s that on the floor, next to it? It looks like a stuffed porcupine with sunglasses.

Riley: Oh, Manfred?

Evelyn: It has a name?

Riley: Of course he does! You know Manfred.

Evelyn: I don’t, Riley.

Riley: Come on, Evelyn! I’ve had this little guy for ages. He’s been here longer than you.

Evelyn: How have I never seen him?

Riley: Usually he’s under the desk.

Evelyn: Oh, of course, where all the taxidermied animals usually go.

Riley: [missing the sarcasm] Yeah, exactly. Maybe I should put him somewhere else…

Evelyn: So you’re keeping Manfred?

Riley: Yes, no question about it.

Evelyn: What for?

Riley: For?

Evelyn: Yeah, why do you need him?

Riley: He’s the heart and soul of this podcast, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Is he!?

Riley: Absolutely! Getting rid of him would be tantamount to treason!

Evelyn: Alright, so we can’t get rid of Manfred. How about these Pizza Pizzaz-O tickets?

Riley: Out of the question. I need them to buy my way back in and get that pogo stick.

Evelyn: These expired in 2015!

Riley: I’m in the process of rubbing the dates off and writing them back on. It’ll be the perfect crime, and….ah, shit, you just got me to admit it on air. This is entrapment!

Evelyn: Well, now you have to get rid of the tickets, right?

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: Because now that the listeners know your plan, they’re useless.

Riley: No, I can still find some use for them. You never know. The world could end tomorrow and this could become the new currency among survivors in the wastes.

SOUND: Evelyn groans.

Evelyn: Oh, look, you’ve got about 5 hundred empty CD jewel cases laying over here, maybe we can get rid of those.

Riley: No!

Evelyn: Riley, what emotional attachment could you possibly have to 5 hundred hard, clear, plastic squares?

Riley: Uhhhh….

Evelyn: It’s okay, take your time.

Riley: Don’t question it, I just need them.

Evelyn: For…?

[Long Pause]

Riley: [defensive, panicking] For fuck you, that’s what!

Evelyn: Alright, alright...[sighs] Let’s just leave that pile alone. We’ll move onto the clothes. I know you don’t feel sentimental towards them.

Riley: What makes you so sure?

Evelyn: Because I’ve been here a year, and I’ve seen you change shirts literally 4 times.

Riley: That’s a good point, but I’m not gonna lie, Ev...I still don’t wanna get rid of them.

Evelyn: Why?

Riley: I wanted to try making a nest.

Evelyn: What’s wrong with the bed?

Riley: Nothing, I just wanted to see how a nest would measure up.

[Beat]

Evelyn: You want to sleep in a nest so you won’t have to think about your dirty sheets, don’t you?

Riley: Evelyn, god damn it, I said I would get around to it!

[ WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Jaunty old-timey music playing in the background.

HH Holmes: The 21st Century is turning out to be a real humdinger! Technological and social progress abound! Why, I’d wager that if you’re listening to this, you’re most likely doing so via the internet on your handheld, cellular telephone. Almost any business can be conducted online these days! But that connectivity comes at a price- how many times have you heard horror stories about some murder or other unsavory shenanigans going on in some unregistered guest house or bed and breakfast? Jane and Joe public are a little more wary of getting murdered than they used to be, and if you’re a serial killing hotelier, it can be hard to get around those pesky background checks, star ratings, and security measures that only ever seem to get stricter. But fret not, my fine fellows, World’s Fair Rentals is here to help!

How do you do, I’m HH Holmes. I’ve been in the hotel game for over 120 years, and as for murdering, well, a gentleman never tells. World’s Fair Rentals is my new business venture, run exclusively by serial killers, for serial killers. All you need to do is download the World’s Fair Rentals application and enter your details. No background checks, no questions asked. You manage your guest rooms and preferred weapon, we’ll manage bookings, cleaning, overhead, and alibi construction. Yes sir, World’s Fair Rentals gives you everything you need to be your own boss and satisfy your bloodlust from the comfort of home! Don’t believe me? Here are some testimonials from some of our 5-star World’s Fair hosts.

SOUND: Soft background soundscape of a Victorian-era city- horses on cobblestones, street vendors, etc.

William Burke: World’s Fair Rentals offers a flexibility and discretion that you wouldn’t get just running a business on your own. If the medical school starts asking too many questions about why all the bodies you donate to them have ligature marks around the neck, you can pack up and leave as soon as possible. You can remotely update your listing details in just a few clicks.

SOUND: Creepy organ sting, bats flapping and chirping.

Countess Bathory: The ‘victim status’ function on World’s Fair Rentals is a godsend- it’s never been easier for me to keep track of which of my guests are the daughters of visiting aristocrats and which are lone wayward travelers whom no-one will miss and whose blood I can harvest freely and without suspicion.

SOUND: Ambient swamp noises, crickets.

Lavinia Fisher: When our inn fell on hard times, my husband and I argued a lot about money. Now that we host on World’s Fair Rentals, we’re making double what we used to, because we rob the corpses after we poison and stab them. World’s Fair Rentals saved our business, and our marriage.

SOUND: Shower running in the background.

Norman Bates: It’s just so great to finally be my own boss, and not have to rely on my mother.

SOUND: Psycho violin sting. Then old-timey music comes back in.

HH Holmes: There you have it! Just think- you could be just as happy as these lucky people. All you have to do is look us up in the app store! World’s Fair Rentals- give your guests a vacation to die for! [Trademark HH Holmes Snicker]

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

Evelyn: Okay, so do you wanna keep this Jonas Brothers calendar from 2006?

Riley: You can’t prove to me that it will never be 2006 again.

Evelyn: But all the dates are already crossed out. The only reason to keep it would be for the pictures.

Riley: [defensive] And what of it?

Evelyn: Nothing, but...maybe we could, I dunno, cut them out and make something with them. Just so they’re not taking up space.

Riley: I don’t know if I could do that to Kevin. Joe, maybe…

Evelyn: What about this?

Riley: Evelyn! You can’t make me throw out my signed picture of Fox Mulder!

Evelyn: I never said throw it out! I just thought maybe we could hang it up on the wall, maybe next to the red string conspiracy map. Can I have a look at it?

Riley: Okay...but you can’t touch it, or...I mean, levitate it, whatever. I don’t want you to take it.

Evelyn: I won’t, I promise!

[Beat]

Evelyn: Riley...Where did you get this? Because I think you got ripped off.

Riley: Impossible, I got it signed in person.

Evelyn: But it wasn’t signed by David Duchovny, it says ‘Larry Csonka’.

Riley: Yeah, I know. My dad’s a big Dolphins fan and when we ran into Larry Csonka at the mall he really wanted an autograph. The only piece of paper we had handy was the David Duchovny picture I used to carry in my pocket everywhere I went.

Evelyn: Jeez, doesn’t that bother you?

Riley: It really doesn’t. All famous people’s signatures look exactly the same.

Evelyn: You know what? You’re totally right. Okay, so, we’ll move onto the clothes pile. Let’s deconstruct the nest now.

Riley: Good idea. I’ll try on all the clothes I never wear- and we’ll obviously pause the recording so none of you sick fucks at home get to listen to me naked- and whatever I like I’ll find space for in the closet. Everything I don’t like, I’ll put back under the bed for the nest.

Evelyn: What’s in the closet right now?

Riley: I’ll show you.

Evelyn: ...Why are you plugging your ears?

SOUND: Riley opens the closet door and a huge amount of metal pots and instruments clang together.

Riley: [yelling, they still have their ears blocked] That’s where I banish everything that makes noises I don’t like.

Evelyn: There’s a kettle, a vacuum cleaner, an oboe….Why on earth do you keep so many things that make noises you don’t like?

Riley: To one day use against my enemies.

SOUND: Oboe note.

Riley: I’ll move all of this over here so I can start actually hanging my clothes up when I’ve narrowed it down. Now, I’ll just take my hoodie off and-

SOUND: Riley unzips the hoodie.

Riley: That’s weird.

Evelyn: What’s weird?

Riley: It’s stuck.

SOUND: Riley struggles with the hoodie.

Riley: Fuck, that’s really weird. I can’t get it off at all.

Evelyn: Do you think it might’ve fused with your skin from you wearing it too much?

Riley: Evelyn, don’t be gross.

SOUND: Riley burps.

Riley: Maybe it’s clinging on because of static or something-

SOUND: The hoodie zips up.

Riley: Evelyn, did you do that?

Evelyn: No.

Riley: Don’t fuck with me, Hooper, you’re the only one in the room who could make a zipper open and close on its own.

SOUND: Riley’s hood comes up.

Riley: And make a hood go up and down on its own, too.

Evelyn: I swear, I’m not doing anything! Your hoodie is totally possessed!

Riley: Evelyn, don’t be moronic. Articles of clothing can’t be possessed.

The Hoodie: That’s what you think.

SOUND: Riley yells.

Riley: What the fuck?

SOUND: Riley tries again to take the hoodie off.

The Hoodie: Don’t grip too hard, or you’ll make new holes. You don’t want your favourite hoodie to unravel, do you?

Riley: Stop doing that, it’s creeping me out.

The Hoodie: Creeping you out? After all the time we’ve spent together? Are you serious?

Riley: Evelyn, you’re the resident paranormal entity here, what does your afterlife pamphlet say about possessed objects?

Evelyn: Oh, that’s an easy one- wait. Hm.

Riley: Wait what?

Evelyn: Well...oh, dang. The pamphlet must be under one of these piles.

Riley: See where your attempt to organise has gotten you?

The Hoodie: I kept you warm through years of Florida hurricanes, I’ve protected your ears from countless annoying people, I’ve literally gone to hell and back with you.

Riley: And now of all times you choose to demonstrate sentience?

The Hoodie: I’ve always let you speak for yourself, Riley. That is the hoodie way. I’m not like Evelyn, who wants you to do things you don’t want to do.

Evelyn: Hey! I live-well, exist here too- and I want it clean for my own reasons.

The Hoodie: See what she’s done? She’s taken your home from you, and made it better lit and less smelly and not you at all!

Riley: You’re smellier than I am!

The Hoodie: Exactly. You’ve lost your edge. Soon, you’ll smell like the freshest of clean towels. Do you want that Riley? Clean towels? Lavender scented?

Riley: The only thing I want now is personal space! Can we continue this conversation after I take you off?

The Hoodie: Don’t you dare! My embrace is eternal and cold wash only.

SOUND: The hoodie squeezes Riley.

Riley: Evelyn, the hoodie is trying to strangle me!

Evelyn: Okay, okay, hold on- I’m gonna try to double-possess it! Maybe if another spirit goes in it’ll push the one that’s already in there out!

Riley: Do not get ectoplasm all over my hoodie!

Evelyn: Do you want a clean hoodie, or do you want to be able to breathe?

SOUND: Zipper tightening.

Riley: [choked] Good point. Have at ‘em.

SOUND: Evelyn possesses the hoodie.

The Hoodie: Hey! Get out!

Evelyn: You’ll have to make me, first!

Riley: Oh god this is so weird. I can feel the sound vibrations when they talk, it’s like wearing a subwoofer.

Evelyn: Take this!

SOUND: Riley getting tossed around as Evelyn and the hoodie fight.

Riley: Ow!

The Hoodie: Stop hurting Riley! Take that!

SOUND: Riley keeps getting thrown around.

Riley: Ow! Watch it! Don’t forget I’m literally right in the middle of this fight

Evelyn: Sorry, Riles. Oh, hey, I’ve got the zipper!

SOUND: The zipper of the hoodie being unzipped.

Riley: [exhaling] Oh, thank god. I’m free.

Evelyn: It’s time to see which of us it’s truly Riley’s best friend!

Hoodie: You are no match for me, human ghost! I’m a blend of cotton, polyester and whoop ass!

SOUND: Anime power up noise.

Evelyn: You are clothing! You can never understand the hearts of true friends!

Hoodie: At least I can hold them! I’ve been close to their heart this whole time! Closer than you’ll ever be!

SOUND: Evil spirit power up noise.

Riley: Time out! These ghostly energy surges you two are emitting are shorting out the laptop!

Hoodie: We’ll get a new laptop, together. Without Evelyn!

Evelyn: No, Riley! We’ll get the laptop together, Hoodie be hecked!

Riley: I’d really prefer it if you didn’t destroy this one at all! It’s out of warranty!

SOUND: Anime battle! Evelyn and Hoodie make fighting grunts while DBZ style effects play. Force lightning.

Riley: I gotta say, though, this is a pretty impressive battle. These moves are incredible - it’s a mix of the balletic fight choreography of the John Wick series, and the high-octane fantastical visuals of top tier Shōnen battle anime. It’s truly a sight to behold. Wow. Shame we’re an audio-only podcast.

Hoodie: Give it up! I’m a Florida hoodie, I’ve been through worse than you could ever imagine! I’ve strangled gators with my drawstrings! My poly-blend fabric has deflected the buckshot of deranged, gun-wielding swamp folk in the heart of the glades!

SOUND: Hoodie spirit powers increase.

Hoodie: You can’t even comprehend the scope of my terrifying abilities! I am the child of the sweater and the cloak, and I have outgrown them! I am the garment to end all garments! I have unlimited pow-

Evelyn: Okay, Okay, you’re a strong hoodie! We get it!

Riley: Yeah, too strong. Stronger than my mom, maybe...

Evelyn: Riley, no! Don’t give in to the hoodie’s embrace!

Hoodie: Do it! I totally won’t explodify Evelyn if you wear me again! Promise!

Riley: That’s a compelling argument.

Evelyn: Forget about me, Riles! You can’t go on wearing this thing! It’s rude! It’s controlling! It smells like nine thousand and one butts!

Riley: I know! I should have replaced it, but since I can’t replace you, it looks like I’m keeping it.

Hoodie: Haha! Hoodie wins!

Evelyn: Not really, you just exploited our friendship for a cheap return to the status quo.

Riley: Yeah, so stop gloating and get back on my torso, you stupid piece of fabric.

Hoodie: [offended] Stupid piece of fabric?

Riley: I’m not relenting because I like you, I’m doing it for Evelyn. God, I sound just like my dad in family counseling.

Hoodie: Well, uh… feeling less good about it, but… I still won.

Riley: Whatever.

SOUND: Riley sniffs the hoodie.

Riley: Eugh, you weren’t kidding about the butts, Evelyn. I guess I didn’t realise how bad it smelled until I’d had it off for a while. Help me move my books so I can wash this thing.

Hoodie: Wait, no, what are you-

Riley: Relax, it’s not gonna kill you. And what doesn’t kill you , makes you smell tolerable.

SOUND: Washing machine opening, books being tossed out. Riley throws the hoodie in. They turn the machine on.

Hoodie: [through the water] You set it to warm wash! I’m cold wash only! [getting more high pitched] Nooooo!

Evelyn: Riley, you’re a genius! You exploited the hoodie’s weakness that it mentioned earlier!

Riley: Huh? Oh, yeah sure I totally meant to do that. Hey, can you hang tight here? I gotta go get a new laptop real quick. I don’t think mine is gonna recover from your high-octane energy battle.

SOUND: Sparks coming from the laptop.

Evelyn: Can do!

SOUND: Audio skip. Evelyn and Riley are in the middle of cleaning.

Riley: And we’re back. Before I started recording again, we made some great progress with the cleaning.

Evelyn: We’re down to two piles!

Riley: Or we will be once I hang up my David Duchovny-slash-Larry Csonka signed photo.

SOUND: Riley hanging the picture.

Riley: Aaaand...perfect.

SOUND: The washing machine dings.

Riley: Oh, the hoodie’s clean now!

SOUND: Riley opening the machine.

Hoodie: [in a tiny voice] You fool! You can’t get rid of me that easily! I will always be with you, Riley!

Evelyn: That’s unlikely. I don’t think you could fit one of your arms in that hoodie, now.

Hoodie: [tiny voice] I can stretch, it’s not that big of a deal!

Riley: I think I’ll give this to Goodwill, some weird old lady can put it on her chihuahua or something.

Hoodie: [fading] Curse youuuu!

SOUND: The hoodie’s voice is muffled as it’s shoved in a bin bag.

Evelyn: What about Manfred? Where are we gonna put him?

Manfred: Yeah, what about me? What about ol’ Manfred?

Riley: What the fuck? You’ve been a real porcupine this whole time?

Manfred: Well, I wouldn’t say dat. I’m more like a bunch of sawdust wearing the skin of a dead porcupine.

Evelyn: But you’re like the ghost of a porcupine, right?

Manfred: I am what I am, okay? Let’s move on. Geez.

Riley: I think the real question is….where do you want to go, Manfred?

SOUND: Inspiring music.

Manfred: Go?

Riley: Yeah, like...on the shelf, on the desk….

Manfred: I got a lotta places I wanna go….I’ve never seen the big apple, or the grand canyon, or the cadillac ranch…

Riley: Okay, just answer the question-

Evelyn: No, Riley, hear him out.

Riley: Evelyn, he’s a stuffed porcupine.

Manfred: I told you before, I’m more like a diminutive sawdust golem! Besides, I gots big ambitions! I’ve always dreamed of making It.

Riley: What is it?

Manfred: You know, like the Stephen King novel - It was a formative work in my early years. I want to make It as a movie. Nobody’s ever done that.

Riley: Actually…

Evelyn: No, don’t tell him.

Manfred: Listen, Riley. I appreciate all you’ve never done for me. But I gotta be free to pursue my craft. If I don’t make It no one will. I think I’ll cast some real talented child actors, like Macaulay Culkin and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Evelyn: How long has he been down here?

Riley: He came with the house.

Manfred: Sos to answer youse question, if I had to tell youse wheres abouts I wants to go. I wants to go west. Ss.

Evelyn: Riley, you can’t make him stay.

Riley: I know, I know. But he’s been such an important part of my life and the show. What is Less is Morgue without Manfred? It’s like a hollow shell, full of hollow-ness.

Manfred: It don’t have to be goodbye. I’ll always be with you… Just in a “not always being with you” sorta way.

Riley: I’m gonna miss you, you spikey bastard.

Manfred: You too, you spawn of Carmen.

Riley: I’d uh… hug you, but…

Manfred: Da needles, yeah I get it. Anyway, imma see myself out.

Evelyn: Good luck out there, Manfred.

Manfred: Good luck in here!

SOUND: Manfred walks out the door. Inspiring music peters off.

Riley: I guess if you can’t move on from your stuff, it might move on from you.

Evelyn: Yeah, sometimes it’s just out of your hands. Possessions are temporary.

Riley: And you’re the expert on those. [Beat] Let’s get started on organising the rest of those clothes. I gotta change into a longer sleeve shirt- it’s freezing in here.

Evelyn: Wanna go hoodie shopping?

Riley: Fuck no. If I see another hoodie today, I swear-

[ END ]

Riley and Evelyn are back for the first episode of Less Is Morgue Season 2! But the celebrations are interrupted when Riley’s mom tries to sue them in order to force them to move out. Riley and Ev decide to take it to court, where the trial of the century (?) begins!

+transcript

Riley: Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Or has the Deep State silenced us?

Evelyn: OMG, we’re recording again!

Riley: Yep, we’re back, everybody. If you thought we’d never make a season 2...Fuck you, you’re wrong, and also you’re dead to me.

Evelyn: And thank you to everyone who came back! A lot has changed in the basement, but we’re still the same old Riley and Evelyn!

Riley: How have you been enjoying your new freedom, Ev?

Evelyn: It’s been pretty good! I’ve been able to revisit some of my favourite places from when I was alive, I got to see a bunch of dogs, and I’ve even met some new ghosts around town!

Riley: I’ve been enjoying having some privacy back. I can finally listen to Dildo Fusion without headphones, and my trips to the bathroom have never been so relaxing.

Evelyn: Yeah, you actually started showering again.

Riley: It feels good. Glad to be able to do it. So, Evelyn, you wanna do the intro?

Evelyn: Hey everybody, if you’re listening to this, then it means that you’re either new here, or you stuck with us for season 2! Either way, thanks!

Riley: People are always trying to send submarines down to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, but nobody cares enough to investigate the second deepest trench in the ocean. And that? That is where the Crab Lord lives. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: This is Less is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Listeners, we’re about to embark on a historical journey. I want you all to cast your minds back to 1998. Evelyn, how old were you in ‘98?

Evelyn: I was in my junior year at the Sacred Light Academy for Girls in Newport, and yes, before anyone asks, that is why I’m gay.

Riley: I was 5. Altogether, it was a simpler time for everyone.

Evelyn: Not really for everyone, Riley.

Riley: My point is, Facebook didn’t exist, and Giuliano Amato hadn’t done 9/11 yet. The internet was in its infancy, and international communication was much harder. Japan was on the edge of recession, and its artists were producing weird, low-budget content at never before seen speeds.

Evelyn: Is this gonna be about Digimon?

Riley: No, Evelyn. I told you I was keeping my Digimon hot takes off the record. This is about the most obscure and deep of deep web animes...a little project known as The End.Avi.

Evelyn: Why did you say the file extension?

Riley: That’s not the file extension, it’s part of the title.

Evelyn: There’s a file extension in the title?

Riley: Ev, we both know that weirder anime titles exist.

Evelyn: Fair point.

Riley: It’s believed to be an anime so horrifically violent and disturbing that even the Otakus won’t touch it. And yet, nobody can actually track down the file. Which, ironically, is believed to be an MP4.

Evelyn: So it’d be The End.Avi.MP4?

Riley: Exactly, Evelyn, keep up. I’ve been hunting this thing since I was fourteen years old, and I think I’m finally on the edge of cracking this mystery wide open. It all started by hiding outside the bushes of a local international video store that moves a lot of anime.

Evelyn: Riley, no! Is this what happens when I don’t supervise you?

Riley: Silence, Evelyn! I’m in the flow. So anyway, I don’t speak Japanese, but there is this one name that keeps coming up: Harry Gateaux. I think he must have something to do with the Big Cake industry, but I’m not entirely sure yet…

Evelyn: ...Do you watch subs or dubs?

Riley: Dubs. Dubs all the way.

Evelyn: That tracks.

Riley: What makes you say that?

Evelyn: Uh...no reason. SOUND: Riley’s mom banging on the basement door. Riley: Mom! Shut the fuck up, we’re trying to record down here! SOUND: Louder banging. Demonic noises. Evelyn: She sounds madder than usual.

Riley: Probably has something to do with the letters she keeps throwing down here.

Evelyn: What letters?

Riley: Some dumb shit about suing me? I eat all of them as soon as she pushes them under the door.

Evelyn: I’m sorry, suing you?

Riley: Because I won’t move out or get a ‘real’ job. Podcasting is perfectly honest work!

Evelyn: Jeez, I knew your mom hated you, but that seems a little- SOUND: The banging and snarling continues. Riley: I’M NOT SETTLING THIS OUT OF COURT AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! Evelyn, pause the recording. The End.Avi can wait.

Evelyn: Are you sure? I thought you were in the flow.

Riley: I was, but now that flow has been blocked by a large rock. And that rock is named Justice. And it waits for no man!

Evelyn: But if it’s a rock, it can’t not wait, because rocks can’t really move-

Riley: To the courthouse! SOUND: Intro Music Riley: So, listeners, it’s the next day. And we’re recording from the road. Well, from the Leon County Courthouse. Because I’m about to whip my own mom in a legal battle.

Evelyn: I still can’t believe she’s suing you. And I can’t believe you wanted to take it to court!

Riley: I have no money to settle it, Ev, what else am I supposed to do? And besides, I’ve got this in the bag. In case you haven’t noticed, I am very smart.

Evelyn: So, if you're going to defend yourself, do you at least know who the prosecution is?

Riley: The whomst?

Evelyn: You know, the lawyer your mom hired to argue her case?

Riley: Ah, yes...the bad guy lawyer.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Are you sure you're up to this, Riley?

Riley: Absolutely. SOUND: The courtroom doors swing open and John Knifeman, monster slayer, is dragged out by bailiffs. John Knifeman: This isn't over! The lawyer's a fleshgait! She's turned the kids against me! My own kids! My own WIFE! God damn you!

Bailiff: Don't make us tase you again, John.

John Knifeman: BUT MY WIFE! SOUND: The scuffle continues. John Knifeman gets tased. Riley: I'm definitely more up to it than him. At least I wore a shirt. And pants.

Evelyn: Whatever you say, Riles. I just want to make sure you know what you're up against. I watched a lot of Ally McBeal in my day, and one of the things I learned is that it's useful to know who your opponent is.

Riley: I ate the letter before I retained any of the information in it. And it doesn’t matter who the bad guy lawyer is, cause I’m gonna ream them with my facts and logic. SOUND: They walk through the door to the courtroom. Silence. Riley: Oh, fuck. I’m fucked. I’m so fucked.

Evelyn: What? What’s wrong?

Riley: I see red hair in the bad-guy lawyer box. Don’t make eye contact.

Parker: Riley!

Riley: Too late.

Evelyn: Parker?

Riley: I was hoping you’d be dead in a ditch somewhere by now.

Parker: No such luck! Glad to see you showed up, anyway. [Beat] Oh, did you not read the court notice? I’m the prosecutor! Your mom’s paying me to defeat you.

Riley: Why? No offense, but she could’ve gotten literally any other lawyer.

Parker: None taken. She wanted to psych you out because I think she assumes we’re friends?

Riley: Yeah, she does, actually… She keeps asking me when I’m gonna invite you over again.

Parker: Either way, she’s being very unethical. But, like, I couldn’t say anything. She’s terrifying.

Riley: I thought you were “good with people.”

Parker: I am, but I also value my life and I know my limits. And, let’s be honest here, your mother is really stretching the definition of “people.”

Evelyn: Wait, Parker...didn’t you say you got kicked out of law school?

Parker: I went back. Turns out, if you’re an articulate, good-looking man, colleges are willing to look over a lot. It’s fucked up, honestly! But, it works in my favour, so- [all of the confidence drains out of his voice] Ah, shit, you’re recording this aren’t you?

Evelyn: Yup! First episode of season two!

Parker: Oh, sweet! Congrats!

Evelyn: Also, weren't you doing arts law?

Parker: Ehhhhh, Art, Alimony, they both begin with an A. [sympathetic, lowering his voice slightly] Listen- I want you to know that I’ve got no stake in this argument, okay? I’m just here because I’m getting paid. And I know you’re gonna take this personally, because I would too if I was in your shoes, but I can’t go easy on you. Your mom said if I don’t give at least 120 percent, she’d sever one of my hands at the wrist.

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Ricky Forthewin.

Parker: Alright, best of luck. And seriously- no hard feelings. Pre-trial high-five? [BEAT] Parker: Okay, fair enough. Evelyn? SOUND: ghostly swishing Evelyn: There. That’s the best you’re gonna get.

Parker: I’ll take it. See you on the stand! SOUND: Shuffling and chatter as people take their seats Judge: Good morning. We’re here today for the case of Almanzor v. Almanzor. The defendant, Riley Almanzor, will be representing themselves. The Plaintiff: Carmen Almanzor, who is also the defendant’s mother, will be represented by...sorry, who are you?

Parker: Parker Matthews.

Judge: Right, whatever. Him. Due to a previous engagement, the plaintiff, Mrs. Almanzor, is not here today, however she wants all of you to know that she can see and hear everything. Be seated. SOUND: Everyone sits. Judge: What was this case again, Tim?

Bailiff: The mom’s suing her kid ‘cause they refuse to get a real job and move out, Your Honour.

SOUND: The Judge groans audibly.

Judge: Okay. This trial is perhaps one of the biggest wastes of time in the history of the Florida state court system. As such, I refuse to dignify it by using my real gavel. Instead, I’m going to make gavel noises w ith my mouth. Now, let’s get this crazy train rolling so we can all break for lunch by two. Mx. Almanzor, your opening statement.

Evelyn: Go get ‘em, Riley! I believe in you! SOUND: Riley stands. Riley: Thank you. Valued colleagues, my name is Riley Almanzor and I will be representing myself. [Clears Throat] The dictionary gives the following definition of the word 'Conspiracy'.

Evelyn: Oh, we are so boned.

Riley: A conspiracy is a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful. Unlawful, as in, against the law. Harmful, as in causing harm.

Evelyn: Please stop digging this hole, Riles, I’m begging you.

Riley: Valued colleagues, there is a conspiracy going on. A conspiracy to deny me the right to have a roof over my head. That conspiracy is called capitalism, and my parents are involved in it. I’m an adult - I’m legally allowed to live wherever I want, and the people out there that want to make me ‘go out’ and ‘get a job’ are the ones who should be on trial on this day. [BEAT] Riley: That’s it, that’s all I need to say. Case dismissed. SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. Judge: That’s my line. You don’t get to say that. Sit down.

Riley: Good luck trying to top that, Matthews.

Parker: I feel so much second-hand embarrassment for you right now.

Judge: Mr. Matthews, your opening statement. Try to make it a little less profoundly stupid than the last one. SOUND: Parker stands up. Parker: Valued colleagues, today I’m here to posit the argument that my associate, Riley Almanzor, is a nightmare with whom nobody should be forced to live. Yes, it is true that I got my law degree all of two months ago, but that still makes me more qualified to be standing here than my associate ever has been or will be. Friends, Riley Almanzor is here today representing themselves. Do you know who else did that? Ted Bundy. And look where that got him.

Riley: That’s real rich, him comparing me to Ted Bundy.

Evelyn: Remind me who Ted Bundy was?

Riley: A really shitty lawyer.

Parker: [continuing his statement] Am I saying that Riley should get the chair? No, of course not, but I do think that all options should be on the table. With all that said, I call to the stand my first character witness, Maria Zagarella. SOUND: Mama Zagarella comes to the stand. Parker: State your name for the record.

Mama Zagarella: Maria Zagarella.

Parker: So, Mrs. Zagarella, you're the owner of Mama Zagarella's Cyclops-Italian Pizzeria on Monroe Street.

Mama Zagarella: That's correct. I've been selling family-style pizzas to the people of Tallahassee for over 30 years, but now my business is falling apart, because this DEMON kept eating all of my delivery boys!

Parker: And when you say 'this demon', you're referring to the defendant, Riley Almanzor? [BEAT] Parker: I'd like everyone to note that Mrs. Zagarella just crossed herself. How many delivery drivers did the defendant kill and eat in the period before you banned them from your establishment?

Riley: Objection! This is a conflict of interest! I know for a fact that the bad guy lawyer-

Parker and

Judge: Prosecutor.

Riley: The persecutor, whatever, he's been guilty of eating multiple people and for him to call me out on it is highly hypocritical. Aren’t there laws against that?

Parker: I'd like to clarify, that's not the subject of this line of questioning, I'm merely referring to the incidents in relation to the defendant's effects on Mrs. Zagarella's business. I make no judgement on the act of people-eating. In fact, everyone who's eaten at least one person, raise your hand. SOUND: Shuffling as people start raising their hands. Parker: I count about 30 hands here.

Judge: I agree. We live in a frightening world. Please, continue.

Parker: Thank you, your honour. Anyway, Mrs. Zagarella - how exactly have the defendant's actions damaged your business?

Mama Zagarella: First they ate my nephew, Tony, and I let it slide because Riley was such a good customer. Then they ate my other nephew, Frankie, and I let it slide because Frankie was an asshole. But then...then they came for Jon. [she chokes up] Jon Wheeler was the best delivery boy I ever hired. He was like a son to me. He was my favourite, even over my own actual son. I'm sorry, Luigi, but you know it's true.

Luigi: [from the audience] Ma, he wasn't even your real son!

Mama Zagarella: Yeah, but he never drank on the job!

Parker: Mrs. Zagarella, I can see this is an emotional subject for you and your whole family.

Riley: Objection! I saved Jon from going to hell for video piracy!

Parker: That didn’t get him his job back though, did it? Judge: Quiet, you! Anyway, your objection is overruled.

Parker: Wonderful. Now that we've established all of that, I'll invite my colleague up to give their cross-examination.

Riley: I will gladly do that, thank you. SOUND: Riley stands up. Riley: Now, Mrs. Zagarella, if that is your real name- SOUND: Mama Zagarella whips out a pizza cutter. Mama Zagarella: Don't you come any closer to me! Don't talk to me, don't even look at me! I have a pizza cutter! I'll slice you like a deep dish, I swear to God! SOUND: Riley sits back down. Parker: No further questions, your honour.

Riley: Oh yeah? Well, I call my first character witness to the stand! Arcuni, get your ass up here! SOUND: Shaz takes the stand, while eating the last of a sandwich. Shaz: [mouth full] That was a little unprofessional, don’t you think?

Riley: I don’t. State your name for the record.

Shaz: Shannon Nagore Martinez Arcuni, that’s long for Shaz.

Parker: Objection. Is that a meatball sub?

Shaz: I'm sorry, am I the one being put on trial? Is it a crime to eat a fucking sandwich in this country?

Parker: Your honour, can we-

Judge: Overruled. That’s an excellent sandwich. Let them continue. SOUND: Shaz swallows and clears their throat.

Riley: So, Shaz, go on and tell the good people why, despite the fact that I am very mentally stable and extremely intelligent, you think I deserve to be allowed to live in the same house as my parents indefinitely.

Shaz: I think you would genuinely die if left to your own devices for too long.

Riley: Wrong! Incorrect! This isn't what we agreed on!

Shaz: But it's true! And honestly, sweetheart, it's the best argument anyone could possibly make in your favour. If you didn’t have some kind of supervision, your body would be found stuck in someone’s cat flap in a week.

Riley: You're grossly misrepresenting me. Start over.

Shaz: No. I'm right. You're the least stable person I've ever known. You should be here asking me to adopt you.

Riley: ADMIT THAT I’M SMART!

Parker: Objection. My colleague is leading the witness. SOUND: The judge makes gavel sounds. Judge: That's enough, Myxter Almanzor. Stop talking. Please. For all of us.

Riley: Fine. [grumbling, to Shaz] I’m ashamed to even know you, Shannon. [BEAT] Evelyn: Riley, you have to tag Parker in now. It’s like pro wrestling.

Riley: Oh, right. Uhhh....Matthews, go get 'em.

Parker: Thank you, I will. SOUND: Parker stands up.

Shaz: Go on, ginger, begin your cross-examination. You’ll have to torture me to make me talk.

Parker: This is neither the time nor the place for that.

Shaz: So you’re saying there is a time and a place for it? I like your style.

Parker: Mr. Arcuni, you're a friend of the Almanzor family.

Shaz: [Disappointed] Correct, I guess. Carmen Almanzor is my sister-in-law's aunt.

Parker: So you're pretty familiar with both the defendant and the plaintiff on a personal level.

Shaz: Correct.

Parker: And why have you chosen, of the two of them, to stand here as a character witness for the defendant?

Shaz: Because....my dear bitches, the bug-eyed being you see sitting before you, one Riley Almanzor, is not only goblin, and creacher, but also - definitively - babie. And that's B-a-b-i-e, your honour.

Judge: Thank you for clarifying the spelling of babie.

Shaz: You're welcome. Anywhom, every interaction I've ever had with Riley has made it painfully obvious that they're woefully underprepared for life among the living. I've personally seen them eat candles, and they wash their t-shirts in dish soap. As bad a parent as Carmen is, throwing them out onto the streets would be textbook babie endangerment.

Parker: I see what your point is, but I'm hesitant to accept any testimony from the ghoul who walked in here 20 minutes late, eating a meatball sub.

Shaz: Which I paid for. Just like I paid for my plane tickets. With money I earned. At my job. I'm a fully responsible adult, and I'm an excellent character witness, actually.

Parker: Is it true that you once guested on Less is Morgue while high on several drugs at once?

Shaz: I would like to clarify I was not high when I arrived. I merely became high because the co-host is a ghost, which, as we all know, no sober, living or mentally sane person can see. This proven scientific fact only further proves that I'm both alive and mentally sane. Parker: Fair enough. I can't technically say that you're wrong.

Shaz: No, you can't. All the evidence I'm presenting to you has pretty definitively shown that I'm a good character witness, and a stable adult, and, potentially, an excellent dad.

Riley: Objection. You can't adopt me. I'm older than you.

Judge: Overruled. That’s not the point of this trial.

Shaz: My point still stands.

Judge: Okay, your time is mercifully over. Go sit back down. SOUND: Shaz getting up and leaving the stand. Judge: [grumbling] I’m too hungover for this. [to Parker] Mr. Matthews, do you have another witness or will you be sparing us further torment?

Parker: Yes, your honour, I do. I call to the stand Captain Cishmale.

Riley: Oh son of a bitch, I thought we killed him!

Evelyn: You thought you and Chip killed him.

Riley: Semantics, Evelyn. Point is, the world is infinitely worse off for him continuing to exist in it.

Evelyn: Okay, that we can agree on. SOUND: Peg leg footsteps. Cishmale sits. Parker: State your name for the record.

Cishmale: Captain Heteratio Cishmale.

Parker: Now, Captain Cishmale, please explain to everyone here what your personal grievance with the defendant is.

Cishmale: Hark! ‘Tis a long and sordid tale. I met the defendant after I sailed through the gamer gate, following the destruction of my beautiful ship, the Pecker, by the monstrous breast known as...Moby Tit. It was a story as old and as natural as the sea: Man vs Boob.

Parker: And then?

Cishmale: This scallywag and their bosomy ghost companion joined me aboard the Pecker 2 - but instead of helping me slay the breast, and right the terrible wrong done unto me and me crew, they turned my cabin boy, Chip, against me, and shot me in the Facts! And that’s how I lost the Pecker 2, and my dignity. [Begins to weep] I’m not crying. I have allergies. It’s gay to cry.

Parker: Thank you, Captain, that will be more than enough [he clears his throat] Friends, here we have another clear-cut case of the defendant being a physical danger to the people around them. Look at this once proud sea captain, reduced to…

Cishmale: [Still Sobbing] No homo.

Parker: ...Whatever that is. I could continue this line of questioning for hours, but it would only prove what we already know - that Riley Almanzor is dangerous. [Sighs] Okay, he’s all yours, Almanzor. SOUND: Riley approaches the stand. Riley: Captain Cishmale, if that is your real name, the last time we saw each other, I had assumed you’d drowned after failing to harpoon the Moby Tit.

Cishmale: Oh, I survived, no thanks to you! It was my masculine ingenuity that won the day - I returned from being thrown into the depths by breathing nothing but my own farts for three days. When I got used to the taste, it was all smooth sailing. I surfaced as an even greater man, with a reinvigorated passion for revenge!

Riley: Cool, I hate that. Now, you continue to call yourself a sailor, despite no longer actively being the captain of a vessel of any kind. I don’t know about the rest of you, but that seems awfully dishonest.

Cishmale: Neptune’s asscrack, how dare you defame me this way! You may be able to take the sailor out of the navy, but you’ll never get the seaman out of me!

Riley: Valued colleagues, my associate, Mr. Matthews, has tried to convince you that I was unjustified in shooting this man in the testicle, but as you can clearly see, everything he says somehow manages to be the worst thing I’ve ever heard, every single time. Motion to disqualify the witness.

Judge: On what grounds?

Riley: He’s gross.

Judge: Motion carried.

Cishmale: Silenced again by the supposedly tolerant left! And you call this a courtroom! SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. Peg leg stomping and grumbling as Cishmale returns to his seat. Evelyn: Hey, Riley, I’ve got an idea. Riley: What?

Evelyn: How about you call me up as a witness?

Riley: I can’t do that.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: First of all, you’d have to possess me, and I’m sick of getting possessed for the sake of this stupid podcast. And secondly, I know you, Evelyn, you’re gonna go up there and you’re gonna say the same stuff that Shaz was saying about me being a creature and a baby and washing my clothes with dish soap, which I only did the one time, by the way.

Evelyn: Riley, you have to look at this realistically. You can’t just say ‘I deserve to live in my parents’ basement just because’. The only way you’re gonna win is by arguing that you can’t be trusted to live on your own.

Riley: But I don’t...want to do that? It’d be super humiliating!

Judge: Mx. Almanzor, do you have anything you’d like to share with the rest of us?

Riley: Yes. [they clear their throat] I would like to call myself as a witness.

Evelyn: Riley. Please.

Riley: Shut up, Evelyn, I’ve got this in the bag.

Parker: Alright, sure. So, Riley.

Riley: That is my name.

Parker: Some people in this courtroom might be concerned by the fact that you’ve been sitting here muttering to yourself this entire trial.

Riley: Yes, well, I definitely wasn’t talking to myself just now, because I don’t do that. I’m very stable. It’s just that there is a ghost that follows me around sometimes and gives me advice. I know you can see her, so don’t try and play that card.

Parker: Of course, I’m looking right at her. I’m just clarifying for the people who can’t see her. That would be Evelyn Hooper, your co-host?

Riley: Yes. Podcasting, by the way, is a real job, which is another reason why this suit is invalid. I’m currently making tens of dollars from patreon, a fact which the prosecco-

Evelyn, Judge and Parker: Prosecution.

Riley: -A fact which you have not brought up at any point during this trial.

Parker: I see. So, while I’ve been operating under the assumption that you have no independent source of income, you in fact are earning your own money on a reasonably regular basis?

Riley: Yes, so you can tell my trash garbage mom that I am contributing to the stupid economy.

Parker: So you… you could move out, if you wanted to? Hypothetically speaking. [BEAT] Riley: OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!

Parker: I don’t think I need to say anything else, friends. The defendant has been misleading this court about their so urce of income the entire time, they just admitted it, right now. No further questions. I call my next witness-

Riley: What about my cross examination?

Parker: You can’t cross examine yourself, Riley.

Riley: The hell I can’t! [in a slightly different voice] Hey, Riley, if that is your real name, do you think you should be allowed to live at home without paying rent? [in their normal voice] Yes, Riley, I do. Case closed. [BEAT] Riley: See? I did it. Fuck you.

Parker:...Anyway, I call my next witness, Brains Vincent. Who will be appearing from the flotation tank his severed head now lives in via Skype Link. SOUND: Skype call beep-boops. Here’s Brains! Brains: Heeey jury!

Parker: State your name, for the record.

Brains: Vincent Vincent, but my friends call me Brains.

Parker: So, Mr. Vincent, you were a successful beauty guru on Instagram and YouTube until just over a year ago, is that correct? Brains: Damn skippy.

Parker: Would you mind telling the court what specific incident caused you to abandon that career?

Brains: As you can see, I was devoured from the neck down. Without hands, I can no longer make my videos. I’ve had to move back in with my parents full time.

Parker: Ladies and gentlemen, that’s another person whose career and livelihood were ruined by the defendant’s actions. If they have that effect on strangers, imagine the stress that they cause to their own family.

Riley: Oh, motherfucker.

Evelyn: What?

Riley: Did you see that look he just gave me?

Evelyn: Yeah, he...did he just stick his tongue out at you?

Parker: Now, am I saying that Riley is to be blamed for their behaviour? Certainly not.

Riley: [quietly, with a lot of feeling] I know what he’s gonna try and pull.

Parker: Riley is, like all of us, a product of their upbringing.

Riley: SON OF A BITCH.

Parker: Mr. Vincent, before I hand you over to my colleague, how much time did you spend living in the medicine cabinet at 247 Mayhem Way?

Brains: About 4 weeks.

Riley: OBJECTION! I KNOW WHAT HE’S ABOUT TO DO AND I DON’T LIKE IT!

Judge: Overruled! Mr. Matthews, continue. I can only take this bullhonkey for so long.

Parker: How would you describe the general vibe of the Almanzor household?

Brains: In a word? Kind of a shitshow. Lot of arguing in that house. I could hear all of it through the pipes. Riley threatens to kill their parents on a near-daily basis, and Carmen regularly makes them cry. It's honestly heartbreaking. But then again, Riley did eat my entire body, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad for them.

Parker: And that, that, is the root of the problem. How could we expect anyone to develop into a well-adjusted member of society living in that kind of environment? The relationship between parent and child here is clearly not beneficial to either party - Riley is a powerful destructive force, but that is itself a result of Carmen's negative influence. And that is why the best course of action is obviously to separate them, by forcing Riley to move out. Now, I'll allow my colleague to cross-examine-

Riley: I will shit in your coffee, Matthews.

Parker: Why? I'm on your side here. I’m trying to get you out of an abusive home situation. Don't you agree with me?

Riley: I have never cried once in my entire life.

Brains: Yes, you have.

Riley: [to Brains] Shut up or I'll come to your house and eat the rest of you! SOUND: The jury gasps. Parker: You seem a little shaken up, Riley. Maybe you should skip this cross-examination- SOUND: Riley lets out an animalistic shriek and leaps across the courtroom towards Parker. The two of them start fighting. [ WEIRD AD TIME ] SOUND: A VHS slides into a VCR. Upbeat electronic music playing. Slightly fuzzy, Richard-Simmons-Esque retro-VHS audio begins to play. Klyle: Looking to get fit for summer? Improve your lifestyle? Get your legs so toned you could run away from your problems forever? Are you tired of trying fad diets and watching them fail every time, just like all your relationships? Well, the solution to all your problems is finally here! SOUND: Heavily modulated voice yelling ‘KLYLE’ Klyle: Hi, I’m Klyle, I’ve been training for over 300 years. People always ask me, ‘Hey Klyle, how did you get so stacked?’ and now, you can find out, using my 10-step method. My online course will cover cardio! SOUND: Treadmill running. Klyle: Self defense! SOUND: Punching. Klyle: Weights! SOUND: Weights being lifted. Klyle: One bicep curl! Two bicep curls! Three bicep curls! Ha-ha-ha! Plus so much more! You can find them all on my website - www. beefy the vampire trainer .com - for a monthly payment of 29.95. Plus, search for ‘Beefy the Vampire Trainer’ on instagram to find even more fitness tips and tricks, from me, Klyle! SOUND: Heavily modulated voice yelling ‘KLYLE.’

Klyle: In just six weeks, you too will be jacked enough to fight God for the crime of creating you! Ha-ha-ha! [He begins to cry]

SOUND: Heavily modulated voice yelling ‘KLYLE.’ Audio stops. VHS tape slides out of VCR. [ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ] SOUND: Parker and Riley are fighting. Riley: You piece of shit! Admit I’m a genius and I don’t cry! Admit it!

Parker: Brains was the one who said that you cry, why are you hitting me?

Riley: Because he doesn’t have a body to fight back with!

Brains: And whose fault is that in the first place?

Parker and Riley: Stay outta this, Brains! SOUND: Fabric ripping. Parker: Asshole! This was a new suit! SOUND: Parker bites Riley. Riley: Ow! SOUND: The judge starts making gavel noises. Judge: Order! Order! I can’t make the noises loud enough. God, this was supposed to be an easy decision. I should’ve followed my dreams and become a dancer-

Evelyn: Okay, listeners, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I gotta bring out the big guns. See, I was researching a little about pirates recently, and I learned that, in addition to being very good with finances, they also had their own maritime code. So...maybe this is a long shot, but I might know which of our old friends we can call on to help us out. SOUND: The sounds of Riley and Parker fighting continue in the background.

Mama Zagarella: Parker, use my pizza cutter! Do it for Jon!

SOUND: Evelyn clears her throat. Evelyn: [demonic] SPIRITS OF MONEY AND FINANCE, I INVOKE YOU TO COME TO OUR AID! SOUND: Blackbeard’s sea-shanty starts playing. Boom! He appears. Evelyn: Heck yeah! Just in time!

Blackbeard: Ahoy, Miss Evelyn!

Evelyn: Ahoy, Captain Teach! Thanks for showing up at such short notice.

Blackbeard: I didn’t expect we’d be speaking again so soon. How go yer finances?

Evelyn: Still not great, unfortunately. That’s not why I called you here. As you can tell, we’re in a courthouse right now.

Blackbeard: Aye, that we be. I swore I’d never set foot in one of these buildings during my lifetime, but hey, it no longer be my lifetime, so it’s all gravy. How can I be of service to ye, lass? Evelyn: Riley’s representing themself in court and it’s not going too well. I know that pirates had a lot of legal know-how, so I was hoping you could take over the case for us? We’ll owe you one.

Blackbeard: Hmm...This be quite the request to drop on me at such short notice. Typically, I’d need my first mate to serve as a paralegal while I develop me arguments.

Evelyn: I know, but I’ll fill you in while Riley’s over there suplexing the prosecution. Their mom is suing them to move out, but they have no money, and they can’t argue their way out of a paper bag. The prosecuting lawyer just made Riley appear emotionally vulnerable, so they started throwing down.

Riley: Ow, my ear! SOUND: Riley knees Parker in the crotch. He yelps.

Judge: You’re making a mockery of this court system, both of you!

Evelyn: We need you to make a compelling argument for why Riley deserves to stay at home with their parents! Preferably with a solid character witness! Please, Blackbeard - I promise we’ll return the favour!

Blackbeard: Is that a sailor’s promise?

Evelyn: I can give you a scout’s honour, will that do?

Blackbeard: Aye, So be it. I’m going in.

Evelyn: Yay! SOUND: Blackbeard possesses Riley. Parker: Uh...hey Riley? What just happened?

Riley-Blackbeard: Yarr, get off of me, ye scurvy dog!

Parker: [genuinely worried] ...How hard did I hit you?

Evelyn: That’s Blackbeard’s ghost!

Parker: I’m sorry? SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. Judge: Can someone please explain to me what’s going on?

Riley-Blackbeard: Judge, wenches and mateys of the courtroom, my name is Edward Teach, Captain of the Queen Anne’s Revenge, better known to all you landlubbers as Blackbeard. I have commandeered this vessel by request of the defendant.

Parker: Objection. You can’t just-

Judge: Overruled. Let’s see what he has to say.

Riley-Blackbeard: I realise that it may be unorthodox, but I be doin’ it for Riley’s own good. They’re as unfit for legal battle as a 2001 honda civic is for seafaring.

Cishmale: How dare you! The Pecker 3 is a fine and manly vessel! SOUND: The Judge makes gavel sounds. Judge: Order in the court! I’ve had it up to here with everyone’s shit today! Mr. Teach, continue.

Riley-Blackbeard: Arrgh, Mr. Vincent, though what you say be true, and there be much anger and disagreement in the Almanzor home, do ye believe that the defendant is entirely unhappy with their living situation?

Brains: Uhh, no. I guess not. They're not the best at self care, but they get by. If they could avoid interacting with their mom during the day they were generally happy. They seem to really like that basement, for some reason. And their dad isn't the worst.

Riley-Blackbeard: Aye, and there be the truth of the matter. Wenches and mateys of the courtroom, this be not a simple issue to resolve. Perhaps the defendant's mother is a salty trollop. But it would be folly to believe that just because a child be above the age of eighteen, the solution be to force them out. The plaintiff be offerin' no financial assistance, and the defendant has no other support network.

Shaz: [from the back of the room] My adoption offer still stands.

Evelyn: No, it doesn't!

Riley-Blackbeard: This case be not one for the court system. In this pirate's humble opinion, ye be more in need of family counselling. For my final character witness, I call to the stand- William Beauregard Slaughter.

Evelyn: Wait...who? SOUND: Bubba grunts unintelligibly before approaching the stand. Evelyn: Bubba's not his real name? SOUND: Bubba takes the stand. NOTE: all of Bubba’s ‘lines’ are via text-to-speech generator and should be accompanied by iPad typing noises. Riley-Blackbeard: State your name for the record.

Bubba: William Slaughter, but my friends call me Bubba.

Riley-Blackbeard: Thank you. And how, Mr. Slaughter, do ye assess the defendant's character?

Bubba: I think the accusations being leveled at you- I mean, at Riley- are completely baseless. And, I can say from personal experience that these accusations are made based on prejudice and petty family drama, not based on any real facts.

Riley-Blackbeard: So, Mr. Slaughter, ye be sayin’ that Riley’s situation be not unlike yer own.

Bubba: Yes sir. My father treats me about as well as Carmen treats her offspring. When I was 7 he made me stand on the roof and hold the TV antenna during a thunderstorm so he wouldn’t miss the Cowboys v Patriots game. I recognise the patterns of abuse here. Luckily I’ve had the support of my older brother but without that I think I’d be just as maladjusted as Riley. No offense.

Riley-Blackbeard: And what do ye say to the claims of the defendant being dangerous to themself and others?

Bubba: I think they’re extremely overblown and ableist. Speaking as someone with my own difficulties in communication and socialisation, I think that many people fear those of us who don’t adhere to normal social codes. If Carmen Almanzor and the people here arguing on her behalf today took the time to consider Riley’s point of view, they’d understand that if they were in similar situations, they’d probably commit some light murder as well.

Riley-Blackbeard: Thank ye fer that moving testimony, Mr. Slaughter. That will be all from me, yer honour.

Judge: Very well. Mr. Matthews? [BEAT] Parker: [slightly rattled by Blackbeard’s competence as a lawyer] Yep, cool. SOUND: He clears his throat. Parker: So, Mr. Slaughter- you work for your father at the Last Chance Texas Style BBQ, and you’ve never once had a problem with the defendant?

Bubba: Yes, sir.

Parker: I just find that interesting, because every other witness I’ve called up today has maintained that Riley is unstable and dangerous to, at the very least, the livelihood if not the actual lives of everyone around them.

Bubba: As I very clearly stated, those claims are wildly exaggerated.

Parker: I see. Can you clarify where you think the misunderstanding comes from?

Bubba: Once again, I said this already to the defence. It comes from an unwillingness to communicate or empathise with someone whose disability makes normal social rules irrelevant.

Parker: But regardless of mental illness, isn’t it also true that-

Bubba: Please let me finish, I have to type all of these words out. Anyway, if you keep framing actions that are a result of trauma, poor socialisation, and mental illness as dangerous to others, you’re taking the focus of the argument away from how Riley is the one who’s in the most vulnerable position. Framing them as the aggressor and trying to force them out isn’t going to solve anything. That doesn’t change the fact that the world isn’t suited to accomodate people like Riley.

Parker: Well, Mr. Slaughter, you’ve made a surprisingly articulate point. I will give you that. So, let’s say, hypothetically, you’re right. By extension, that would mean everyone here that Riley killed, or maimed, or shot in the balls is actually in the wrong.

Bubba: That’s exactly what I’m saying. For example, Riley likely wouldn’t have killed so many delivery boys if Zagarella’s pizza didn’t encourage their employees to walk into houses without knocking.

Parker: Really? [pause] Mrs. Zagarella, is that true?

Mama Zagarella: I mean, yeah, if the door’s open I don’t think you should have to knock. Come to think of it, maybe that is a security risk...

Parker: Duly noted. But what about Brains Vincent? He did nothing to provoke Riley, his only crime was being undead.

Brains: Well, actually, I listened to Less is Morgue episode 2, and before I showed up, Riley was very obviously suffering from extreme hunger, and Evelyn kept ignoring them. That one’s totally her fault.

Evelyn: Wow. Way to throw me under the bus, Brains.

Bubba: Do you see what I mean?

Parker: And as for Captain Cishmale-

Cishmale: [from the back] Women can’t drive!

Parker: You know what, no, I buy that one. Mr. Slaughter- can I call you William?

Bubba: No sir, you may not.

Parker: Mr. Slaughter, you’ve presented a very thoughtful argument. Thank you.

Judge: Alright, I think it’s about time we wrapped this trial up, because this nihilistic joke has already taken way longer than it should have in the first place. We’ll take a brief recess, then when we come back, I will announce my verdict. SOUND: Shuffling around as the trial breaks up. SOUND: Blackbeard un-possesses Riley Evelyn: Thanks a million, Captain Teach.

Blackbeard: Yarr, it were no trouble at all, Miss Evelyn. But I best be takin’ my leave now, I have to pick Montague up from the vet. He’s off gettin’ his beak cleaned. SOUND: Blackbeard vanishes with an echoing scurvy laugh. Riley: Ow, my head...Fucking hell, Hooper, did you possess me? Because I swear to god-

Evelyn: No, Riley, Blackbeard did!

Riley: What? Hold on - Parker!

Parker: Yeah?

Riley: Is she telling the truth?

Parker: Oh, yeah, Blackbeard’s ghost replaced you for the last chunk of the trial. He was really good. Like, I don’t know why you guys didn’t get him from the beginning if he’s cool with doing pro-bono work like that. Evelyn: Well, you know...Riley’s Riley. Riley: And I refuse to change!

Parker: That’s painfully obvious. Riley: So, what was the gist of his argument? Evelyn: I don’t know if we should tell you. Best just wait and see if we won first. Riley: Alright, fine. Bailiff: All rise.

SOUND: People standing.

Judge: Thank you, everyone. I have come to a decision. Now - this seemed pretty cut and dry when it started. A simple case of ‘shithead millennial refusing to be an adult’. But it turned out to be much more complex than that. Valued colleagues, it’s my opinion that, yes, Riley Almanzor is violent, delusional, pig-headed and severely antisocial. And yes, a lot of that is the result of Carmen Almanzor’s neglectful and emotionally abusive parenting. I would also agree that perhaps, in theory, separating them would be the best course of action. But to quote the insightful interpretation of Mr. William Slaughter-

SOUND: Bubba squeals.

Judge: - the world is not suited to accommodate people like Riley, and that is a fault of the system, not a moral failure of the individual. This trial has proven that the plaintiff and defendant are both awful people, but at least Riley has an excuse. Yes, Riley causes constant problems for everyone, but Carmen created this monster and has no right to try and sue her mistakes away. Therefore, it’s my opinion that Riley be allowed to stay in the Almanzor household for as long as they choose, with the proviso that they attend family counseling sessions and pay a small percentage of their Patreon earnings as rent. We’ll review this in about a year and change, but for now, I think we all just wanna go home and enjoy our Fridays.

SOUND: The judge makes gavel noises. People start leaving the courtroom.

SOUND: Parker sighs.

Parker: Well, an attempt was made. It’s been nice knowing you two.

SOUND: Riley makes an incredulous noise.

Evelyn: Aw, it’s fine, Parker - you did your best and that’s what matters. Riley: Speaking of which, have you thought about which hand you wanna lose? Parker: I mean, I guess the left one? Riley: Now that you’ve said that, she’s gonna go for the right.

SOUND: Approaching running footsteps, a slicing sound, followed by a squirt of blood and a dull thump as Parker’s hand is severed at the wrist.

Parker: Mother fucker! Riley: See what I mean? [ yelling off to the side ] Nobody’s impressed, mom! You’re just giving me more ammunition for family counselling! Evelyn: How did she get here so fast? Riley: Doesn’t matter…she’s just taken the car and left with dad, so I guess we’re taking the bus home. Let’s go.

SOUND: Riley picks up Parker’s severed hand.

Parker: Hey, how about you give me back my hand so I can -

SOUND: Riley bites off a finger and eats it.

Parker: Okay, I guess not. Riley: [chewing] Hey, Parker...No hard feelings.

END OF EPISODE

Finally deciding to free Jon from the bathroom, Riley and Evelyn hire a series of exorcists to get the job done, to extremely mixed results.

+transcript

SOUND: Toilet flush.

Evelyn: Couldn’t you have pressed record after you did that?

Riley: Evelyn, when nature calls, you don’t put it on hold.

Evelyn: That doesn’t answer my question.

Riley: Hello everyone. Welcome to the Less Is Morgue Season 1 finale.

Evelyn: You’re not even going to wash your hands?

SOUND: Jon sighs.

Pizza Ghost Jon: They never do.

Riley: We figured, before we claw our way into whatever bull shit insanity season two holds for us, we’d take the time to tie up some loose ends first. That’s why we’re recording in the bathroom today, a creative decision which I’m sure will attract an entirely new kind of fan. As always, Jon is here in the bathroom with us. Say hi, Jon.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Hey everyone, it’s Jon. I really don’t want to be here right now.

Riley: Which, incidentally, is exactly why we’re here today: Getting Jon out of the John.

Evelyn: We’re having the first live podcast exorcism! Yay!

Pizza Ghost Jon: You record these a week in advance. And I don’t get what’s so “live” about it when two thirds of us are dead.

Riley: Soon to be half, Jon, soon to be half.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Why now? And not, you know, a year ago?

Riley: I had bigger things going on. Like, I don’t know. Editing a whole podcast by myself?

Evelyn: Riley, everyone is proud of you, you don’t need to flex.

Pizza Ghost Jon: That takes up two days out of every two weeks. You had time to get me out of here.

Riley: I ran out of spoons. Sue me.

Pizza Ghost Jon: You only needed to make one phone call. “Hello, holy father, my bathroom has a dead pizza boy in it. Please let him go to heaven.”

Riley: You know I’m afraid of talking on the phone, Jon. And priests refuse to be in the same house as my mom. She makes bibles burst into flames.

Pizza Ghost Jon: That explains a lot about you.

Riley: Hey! I am nothing like that harpy-

Evelyn: Look, Jon, I think it’s totally reasonable that you’re upset. As members of the “Eaten By Riley Club”, I feel like we can talk about this. We’re in the same boat here.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Actually, Evelyn, there’s one big difference: I was eaten alive!

Riley: Okay! We get it! I did a bad thing, and I acknowledge that. In my defence, the whole “eating people alive” thing definitely got better after episode two, but that doesn’t excuse what I did to you, Jon.

Pizza Ghost Jon: That’s a start, I guess.

Riley: So! I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a solution. But first, let’s-

SOUND: Riley cut off by the intro music.

Riley: Do the intro. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means you survived all the way to the season one finale! That’s better than me, Jon, The Children of the All-Knowing Milton, Ryan Loeball, the campers from Camp One Counselor, Norm, Jordy P, Captain Cishmale, and Brian Wilson, the Ranger. And now to list the deaths that happened off-mic-

Riley: How about we don’t do that?

Evelyn: Okay, we’ll save it for Patreon!

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’ve seen things this year. Terrible things.

Riley: A bureaucrat once came down here and tried to check Evelyn’s Ghost License. I ate his liver with some animal crackers and a carton of apple juice. [Hannibal Lecter Noise] I’m Riley, Your Best Ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, Your Ghost Host With The Most!

[BEAT]

Riley: [Whisper] Jon, say something.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m Jon. I’m also a ghost. And I’m eternally trapped in this porcelain hell.

Riley: But not for long! Cause my brilliant, perfectly smooth brain has devised a strategy to get you safely out of here, and into whatever afterlife pizza boys who die on the job go to.

Evelyn: What’s the plan, Riles? Are we gonna google incantations again?

Riley: No, last time we did that we ended up saddled with that creepy electrician.

Evelyn: Oh, right. We don’t have a great track record with magic on this show.

Riley: Exactly. Sometimes, Ev, when you want a job done right, you need to contact the professionals. Thankfully, there were two of them stationed at the Tallahassee Community College. I found them on Facebook.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Great. So you’ve hired some weird freelance warlocks to come and play hacky-sack with my immortal soul?

Riley: These ghost removers are actually highly-scientific - and not shill science, like calories or statistics. I’m talking about real science. With beakers and shit.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Well, if that doesn’t just fill me with confidence…

Evelyn: How about we all just try to maintain a positive mental attitude? We’re more likely to achieve our goals if we all work together and hope for the best.

Pizza Ghost Jon: This bathroom is my Vietnam, Evelyn. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Riley: If we can put the pity party on hold for a second, I’m gonna give the ghost-removers a call and see what their rates are. I’ll pause the recording.

SOUND: The recording is paused. Then comes back. The toilet flushes again. Zipper zips up.

Riley: See, Evelyn, this is why getting hydrated is government propaganda. You can’t fight the power when you need to piss constantly.

Evelyn: How did the call go?

Riley: The call?

Pizza Ghost Jon: The ghost remover call?

Riley: Oh yeah! They should be here any time now.

SOUND: In the distance, a door opens, and two sets of footsteps enter the main basement.

Regina: My god, Delaney, the EMF readings are off the chart, it’s an unprecedented level of spirit energy. We’re looking at a KC-Class Haunting here.

Delaney: There’s nobody in here, just hundreds of bones! And is this some kind of ancient, cursed tome on the table?

Regina: “The Sword of R’lyeh…” Definitely seems eldritch in nature, but these strange glyphs it’s written in are unreadable...

Delaney: It feels like a trap. Do you think the ghosts called us here, Regina?

Regina: Unsure. The voice on the phone definitely sounded dead inside.

SOUND: The two of them stumble through the basement.

Riley: Aaaaand that’ll be them. [Calling Out] Hey, we’re in the bathroom!

Delaney: Oh fuck, it’s the ghosts! They’re trying to communicate!

Regina: That’s illogical. Ghosts rarely, if ever, defecate.

Riley: Not a ghost! I’m a ghoul, and I’m waiting for you in the bathroom. Please come in!

Delaney: What if they died pooping?

Regina: This could be an Eterna-Poop Situation. That’s an Elvis-Class Event.

Delaney: Should we engage Protocol Number 2?

Regina: I don’t see how that would… Oh, I get it. You’re pulling my leg.

Pizza Ghost Jon: And you say these two are scientists?

Evelyn: Remember, Jon, scientists only need to be super smart at one thing. They might be geniuses when it comes to ghost removal!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Notice how even you had to throw a “might” in there, Evelyn.

Riley: Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’ll go get them.

SOUND: Bathroom door opens.

Riley: Hey, Pinky and the Brain, we’re in here!

SOUND: Regina and Delaney scream.

Regina: Dear lord, it’s an aggressive corporeal being!

Delaney: It’s hideous! Look at the size of the eyes!

Riley: I live here, assholes, I’m the one who called you!

Regina: It appears that the occupying spirit has shrouded your physical form in some kind of nightmarish glamour.

Delaney: And it’s anything but glamorous!

Riley: I called you here to get rid of ghosts, not my self-esteem. Get in here.

SOUND: Riley hustles the two of them into the room. Door slams behind them.

Regina: Impressive physical strength, despite the wiry stature. This would make an interesting thesis paper. What did you say you were again?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Calling it now - this is gonna fail. Hard.

Evelyn: You don’t know that for sure.

Pizza Ghost Jon: They can’t even hear us, that’s a red flag.

Delaney: Holy crap, that stench. Oh my god.

Regina: The olfactory readings are off the charts.

Delaney: It’s like if a shit took a shit.

Regina: A classic AVGN-Class scenario.

SOUND: Riley snaps their fingers angrily.

Riley: Hello? Can we have some focus here, please? There’s a ghost you need to bust.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Can we not say “bust”? Doesn’t make me feel good.

Evelyn: Yeah, it feels kinda negative.

Riley: Shhh! I’m just using the official lingo.

Delaney: Was that the ghost you just responded to? Do you have the sight?

Regina: This would explain the freakish color and circumference of the optical sensors. I-Class Scenario, for sure.

Riley: Look, this pizza ghost has been in my bathroom for over a year. Since then, I have not known peace. Every shit is a battle. Snakes have manifested physically in my home - and not the tasty kind, the ouchy kind! I brought you here under the assumption that you’d be able to help me with this, not treat me like a lab rat in my own fucking home. Do you understand?

[BEAT]

Regina: Pizza Ghost, you say? That’s a whole different scenario. Do we have a class for that, Delaney?

Delaney: Depends. Is the ghost italian?

Riley: He’s Black.

Pizza Ghost Jon: You can be both, Riley. Like Giancarlo Esposito.

Regina: Was pizza the cause of his death?

Delaney: If it was, we need a list of every topping.

Riley: I mean...In a manner of speaking…

Regina: I just upgraded this haunting from “Casper” to “Overlook Hotel” Class. It’s looking like we’ll need to use the Total Atomic Vaporizer.

Pizza Ghost Jon: The total what!?

Evelyn: Vaporize whom!?

Riley: Uh...That sounds dangerous. I was thinking a little more...humane?

Delaney: Oh, it’s very humane, total annihilation in two eighths of a nanosecond, they won’t even know they’re double-dead.

Riley: Whoa, whoa, whoa, double-dead? This really isn’t what I ordered!

SOUND: The machine starting up.

Delaney: What was that? I can’t hear you over the machine!

Riley: You can’t just vaporise the ghosts! One of them is my friend, and I’ve already dicked the other one over enough!

Regina: Two ghosts? Fascinating. This will be an excellent test of the TAV’s power.

Evelyn: Riley, do something! I don’t wanna be vaporised!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Seconded!

Delaney: Five seconds till vaporisation!

Riley: Ugh. I’m never gonna leave this bathroom again, am I?

SOUND: Riley eats the Total Atomic Vaporizer. The sound is muffled, and then stops.

Regina: Dear god, they swallowed the Total Atomic Vaporizer.

Delaney: What possessed them to do that? [gasps] You don’t think…?

Evelyn: Riley! You did it! You saved us both!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Thanks fo r not being responsible for my second death.

Riley: [Whining] My tummy hurts.

Regina: The fact that you’re still alive after that is a medical marvel. Easily an MCU-Class scenario. Mind if I conduct some tests?

Riley: I’m about five minutes away from a bowel movement that might vaporise the Northern Hemisphere. I suggest you leave.

Delaney: I’m guessing we’re not getting paid for this one?

Regina: Don’t worry, Delaney. We’ll send the bill later. This is an IOU-Class-

Riley: FUCK OFF!

SOUND: Frantic footsteps, door slams.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Professionals, right?

Riley: Not a word, Jonny. Not a fucking word. I just ate a doomsday weapon for you. [Grunts in pain]. This is the mother of all heartburn.

Evelyn: Okay, that may not have gone exactly as well as we expected. But! I still think we’re generally moving in the right direction.

Riley: Oh, really? In that case, it’s your turn, Evelyn.

Pizza Ghost Jon: You’re the one who almost got us vaporised, Riley!

Riley: I HAVE BORNE THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS.

Evelyn: Fine. Simmer down, everybody. When life gives you indigestion, it also gives you: Evelyn Hooper!

Riley: Truer words have never been spoken.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Guess it can’t be any worse than having my atoms pulled apart.

Evelyn: That’s the spirit!

SOUND: Riley groans.

Evelyn: Come on, Riles, it wasn’t that bad.

Riley: That’s not the problem. Turn off the recording, I need a minute.

SOUND: Recording is turned off. Then back on. Then the toilet flushes again.

Evelyn: Feeling any better?

Riley: Marginally. Hey, Ev, you went to college. Do you know how to reconstruct atoms?

Evelyn: Riley, I was an English major.

Riley: Okay, so the medicine cabinet’s fucked, then.

Evelyn: I may not be able to un-vaporise the cabinet, but I have something to help Jon get out of the bathroom!

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’ll keep my expectations low.

Riley: Spill the beans. What’s your solution?

Evelyn: Good vibes!

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m so hosed.

Evelyn: More specifically, someone who will definitely not try to annihilate our ectoplasmic forms. She’s apparently a pretty huge deal in the paranormal community, and she’s written three books! She’s like a spiritual leader, I think.

Riley: Sounds culty.

Evelyn: She also does a lot of public speaking.

Riley: My point still stands.

Evelyn: And she probably won’t spend half her time here insulting you.

Riley: Well, that sounds like a step up at least. Where is she?

SOUND: Mystical chime. Zen choir.

Dr. Swanson: I’m already here, my children.

Riley: Holy fuck. Don’t startle me like that, I could level the block.

Dr. Swanson: Calm yourself, young one. All will be at peace. I’m Dr. Elaine Swanson, M.D, PhD, MSG. Author, Thought-Leader, Paranormal Philanthropist, Dream Weaver.

Evelyn: And according to your Wikipedia, one time organic restaurant owner.

Dr. Swanson: We don’t speak of that anymore. It’s all in the ether now.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I have no idea what’s going on.

Dr. Swanson: I heard your call, Evelyn, so here I am. I’m about to solve all your problems.

Eveyln: We’re so glad you could join us! How did you do it?

Dr. Swanson: Astral Projection. It’s really not so difficult.

Riley: So we’ve been told.

Dr. Swanson: The trick is [audio interruption] Anyway-

Evelyn: Uh...You broke up a little there, Dr. Swanson.

Riley: Yeah, this room has kind of a shitty connection. It’s why I stopped trying to stream Professor Huh while I’m on the toilet.

Dr. Swanson: It’s all fine, dears. We’ll fight through it - After all, isn’t anything good worth fighting for?

Evelyn: She’s so profound. I knew this was the right decision!

Dr. Swanson: There is a pain in this house. And a resentment - a burning, burning resentment. A hate, even. This person hates being here with every fibre of their being. They wish they could [Audio Glitch] the person who owns this place.

Riley: Could you repeat that last one?

Pizza Ghost Jon: [Cutting Riley Off] Yeah, yeah, that’ll be me, Dr. Swanson.

Dr. Swanson: What’s your name, my child?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Jon. Jon Wheeler.

Dr. Swanson: What happened to you, Jon? We can’t treat you if we don’t fully understand what ails you first.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Well...Riley ate me while I was trying to deliver them a pizza. Then a demon almost took me to Hell-

Dr. Swanson: The Underworld, honey. Hell is the whole of it, the entire infernal plane. The Underworld is where they punish sinners.

Pizza Ghost Jon:...Okay. Well, my sin was apparently downloading movies and stuff illegally, so I almost got sent to The Underworld. But instead, I got stuck in here. For a year.

Dr. Swanson: I can feel your pain, Jon. You’ve been here too long. You seek freedom, don’t you?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh God, Yes! I need to get out of this nightmare. After being here for a year, I kind of regret not just going downstairs.

Evelyn: It is actually pretty nice these days.

Dr. Swanson: You died too young, Jon. You want to move on, but you’re not yet ready to shed the world of sensation. There’s more you want to do here. You need a new earthly body.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I mean, it would be nice to have another shot at things, I guess. I wasn’t exactly satisfied with where I was when everything ended.

Dr. Swanson: You had more potential. That time was stolen from you by a monster of some kind, wasn’t it? Some sort of disgusting, vicious beast?

Riley: I’m right here!

Dr. Swanson: Ignore that, they’re bringing negative energy into the room. Would you like a second chance at life, Jon?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Of course I would, but I don’t even know if it’s possible.

Dr. Swanson: Oh, it’s possible, Jon, and anyone can do it. And it all starts with putting your faith into something bigger than yourself.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Like...God?

SOUND: Dr. Swanson laughs.

Dr. Swanson: No, no, no, my child. I’m talking about the Demon Prince Asmodeus, the mighty lord of the pleasures of the flesh.

Pizza Ghost Jon:...Beg your pardon?

Dr. Swanson: Prince Asmodeus, the king of experience. The dark stallion garbed in silken robes. The hungry flame that flickers in all mortal souls. If you put your trust, faith, and loyalty in him, anything is possible!

[Beat]

Riley: Uh, Evelyn? You said she wrote three books - what are the titles?

Evelyn: Lemme check...Oh.

Riley: What?

Evelyn: “Worshipping Asmodeus For A Better Sex-Life”, “Asmodeus Worshipping For Dummies”, and “The Bitch for Asmodeus: A Memoir.”

Riley: We really need to start doing better background checks for these people.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Look, Dr. Swanson, I appreciate that you’re trying to help me here, but I’m not sure I want to commit to swearing my allegiance to Asmodeus. I mean, my parents are Methodists. When they die, they’ll kill me!

Dr. Swanson: Don’t buy into all the propaganda, my child. Asmodeus only wants the best for you. He’s the most benevolent and beautiful of the seven Demon Princes. If you want to be reincarnated into a new body, by his glorious will, you can be.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Alright...How would I do it?

Dr. Swanson: Simple, dear. First, you get a child and a sacrificial dagger-

Pizza Ghost Jon: Okay, nope, no, we’re done here.

Dr. Swanson: Isn’t anything worth doing also worth spilling a little virgin blood on a goat-skeleton altar? It’s a matter of thinking positively, Jon-

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m feeling REALLY uncomfortable right now.

Dr. Swanson: You can [audio glitch] a child of Asmodeus [audio glitch] consecrate [audio glitch] the best peach cobbler you ever ate [audio glitch].

SOUND: The astral projection call drops. Silence. Jon sighs in relief.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Thank God, she’s gone. What happened?

Riley: Like I told you, the astral connection is crappy in the bathroom. The call must’ve dropped.

Evelyn: That was probably for the best. Sorry, everybody, I should’ve been a little more careful.

Riley: Don’t beat yourself up, Ev, you were trying your best. Nobody can fault you for that.

SOUND: Riley groans in pain.

Evelyn: You okay, Riles?

Riley: Yeah, still having some trouble with the Total Atomic Vaporizer. [Burps] Why didn’t I just smash it?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Cause you have a nasty habit of eating stuff without thinking?

Riley: Okay, Okay, I deserved that. Man, I need to get some fucking pepto. I’ll be right back, keep Jon entertained.

SOUND: Door opens and closes. Footsteps fade into the distance.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Evelyn, you have the patience of a saint. I don’t know how you’ve been able to put up with direct Riley contact for over a year without going crazy.

Evelyn: I know you two got off on the wrong foot, Jon.

Pizza Ghost Jon: They ate my foot! They ate my everything!

Evelyn: But they’re a lot nicer than you think they are.

Pizza Ghost Jon: [Scoffs] Citation needed.

Evelyn: They helped me get through a rough break up, they rescued me from some tiny mad scientists. Heck, they saved the whole universe from Morby!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Okay, that last one is pretty compelling, but still...Aren’t they kind of an asshole?

Evelyn: They definitely have a rough, abrasive exterior, like a shark, but when you get past that…

Pizza Ghost Jon: They eat you alive.

Evelyn: Now you’re just being unfair.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Are you really happy down here? In someone else’s dark, dingy, creepy-as-hell basement? Is this really what you want to do with your afterlife, Evelyn? Or are you just looking for the positives cause you know you don’t have a choice?

[Beat]

Pizza Ghost John: Well?

Evelyn: I don’t know, Jon. I guess I just try not to think about it.

Pizza Ghost Jon: It’s all I've had to think about. Every single day. So sorry if I’m not exactly all smiles.

SOUND: Footsteps approach the door. It opens - Riley returns.

Evelyn: Hey, Riles. Feeling better?

Riley: Yes and no. My stomach is feeling better, but I can feel a pretty strong migraine coming on.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh yeah? How come?

Riley: I found this waiting for me at the door…

SOUND: The door creaks open a little further.

Erik: Greetings, one and all. It is I, the magnificent Erik D’Corah, here to save the day!

Evelyn: Oh no. Not him again…

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh shit! I know this guy! I went to his Vegas show for my birthday in 2019.

Erik: I trust you had a phenomenal time, Old Sport.

Pizza Ghost Jon: No, it was terrible. You jumped into the crowd and shanked a guy for recording the show on his phone.

Erik: Well, you win some, you lose some. What can you do?

Evelyn: Wait...You just responded to Jon! You can perceive us!?

Erik: Of course I can! I’ve reached the marvellous height of my psychic powers. I can see further than ever before, like a pair of devilishly handsome binoculars.

Riley: “Further than ever before” is a pretty low bar for a phony psychic.

Erik: On the contrary, Riley, I’ve always been an incredible psychic.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, and I’m Naruto.

Erik: Take heed! Do you remember the predictions I gave you in episode two?

Riley: Those glorified shitposts, you mean?

Erik: Think, Almanzor, think! Do you remember prediction one?

Riley: I dunno. A witch will take my bones?

SOUND: Evelyn gasps.

Evelyn: Riley! That actually happened! Lilith took all your bones in episode fourteen!

Erik: Yes, Miss Hooper, Yes! And the second one?

Evelyn: Beware the ukulele?

Riley: Holy shit. Jordy P tried to kill us all with his ukulele when we went to camp!

Erik: Vindication! It feels so grand.

Riley: Okay, Cool your jets, buckeroo. Your third prediction was bullshit - No event of dimension-destroying proportions happened in the basement!

Erik: Ah, but you did make a new friend!

Riley: [Grumbles] Okay, that’s true.

Evelyn: Yay! Acknowledgement!

Erik: Face it, Old Sport, I’m an exceptional clairvoyant.

Riley: But you’re a below-average medium. How come you can actually talk to ghosts now?

Erik: That’s a rather epic tale in and of itself.

Pizza Ghost Jon: We’ve got an eternity to hear it.

Erik: Okay then. Gather round and listen close, my friends. Prepare for a story of highs and lows, of tragedy and redemption. Of addiction and recovery, of despair and hope, of darkness and light, night and day, good and evil, left and right, Coke and Pepsi-

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Bad, royalty free French horn.

Moof: This is the sound of Moof, and his three-hundred-year-Old French horn, believed to have been made from the armour of William the Conqueror himself. It would kill a lesser musician, but not Moof. He has mastered the beast.

SOUND: Bad horn-playing continues.

Moof: You can listen to Moof’s new album, “We Are All Moof”, on Spotify right now. Moof has called himself “The sound of a generation” and “the greatest French horn player who ever lived.” You will see God when you listen to Moof, and you will find the similarities striking.

SOUND: People begin to boo the French horn sounds.

Moof: I’ve also been told he’s dazzlingly handsome, and he has a huge dick. I’m not Moof, but I wish I was. He’s just really, really great. Stream my album- I mean his album, right now, only on Spotify.

SOUND: The booing and French horn begin to fade.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Erik: Long story short, I got the Lasik, and I can perceive ghosts now!

Pizza Ghost Jon: That story could have been at least an hour shorter.

Evelyn: I feel like I know less than I did before.

Erik: Are they always this rude?

Riley: Depends on the day.

Evelyn: So you think now you could use your new ghost skills to help free Jon from the bathroom, Mr. D’Corah?

Erik: Most definitely, my dear! I’m a thousand times the medium I used to be. With your permission, I can work my glorious magic and free Mr. Wheeler from his earthly bonds, so he can take his rightful place in The Beyond!

Riley: What do you think, Jon?

Pizza Ghost Jon: If it works, I’ll take anything right now.

Erik: That’s what I like to hear! Now, a small formality - I’ll need you to sign this contract.

SOUND: A loud thump.

Evelyn: Oh my goodness!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Fuck.

Riley: That’s not a contract, that’s a Stephen King novel. Do you really expect us to read that whole thing?

Erik: Of course not. Don’t be intimidated by the size. It’s mostly legalese. All Lorum Ipsums and Mea Culpas. More for me than you - I’ve learned to cover my ass since the Tulsa McClane incident.

Riley: Ugh, fine. You got a pen?

Erik: Of course, my dear.

SOUND: Pen scrawling.

Erik: Perfect. Just sign there, and here, and there, and under the picture of the clown, and sign your name backwards on this one. Initial there. A small self-portrait there. Your star sign there, your mother’s maiden name there, and your age and eye colour there.

SOUND: Pen scrawling ceases.

Erik: Splendid! We’re good to go, Old Sport.

Riley: Great, I feel like I need to give my hand a rest after that.

Pizza Ghost Jon: So, what happens now?

Erik: Just stand back and watch me work my magic. Worry not! You’ll be free of this horrible place in a jiffy!

Evelyn: This is so exciting, I can’t believe Erik is actually competent now!

Riley: I’m still feeling a little incredulous about it.

SOUND: Erik claps his hands together twice.

Erik: Silence! I must have complete focus. Exorcism rituals are extremely delicate procedures. [Clears Throat] Adeo facile decipi! Ego consequi ultioni subiaceas! Eius anima mea est!

Riley: Any idea what he’s saying, Ev?

Evelyn: No idea! But it sounds super official!

Erik: I beseech the forces of above and below to shatter the bindings of this tortured soul! To place his wretched incorporeal form under my charge, and rend his last tether to corporeality! NOW!

SOUND: A magical BOOM! A few seconds of silence as things settle.

Evelyn: Do you feel any different, Jon?

Pizza Ghost Jon: I feel...lighter. More mobile, like...I’m not stuck here anymore. Holy shit, this actually might have worked!?

Riley: Did Erik Fucking D’Corah actually just save the day, or am I just hallucinating this while I suffer from a Total Atomic Vaporizer-induced stroke?

Evelyn: No, Riley, he actually did it! It’s incredible.

SOUND: Erik chuckles.

Erik: Not quite, Old Sport.

SOUND: Erik’s chuckle becomes a full-blown laugh. A straight-up cackle. His laugh soon becomes the laugh of Satan.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I’m getting extremely bad vibes righ t now.

SOUND: Demonic, fiery sound effects as Erik completes his transformation.

Satan: You should’ve read the fine print.

Riley and Evelyn: Satan!?

Satan: The one and only!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh, come on! No fair!

Satan: I’m the Devil, Mr. Wheeler. “Fair” doesn’t mean much to me.

Evelyn: I thought you didn’t ever want to see us again!

Satan: That’s what I thought too, initially. But what can I say? I’ve got a tendency to stew in resentment - nobody’s perfect.

Riley: Fuck this, I’m getting the crossbow!

Satan: No, you aren’t. You’re going to stand perfectly still.

SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers.

Riley: Shit, I can’t move!

Evelyn: Neither can I! It’s like I’m totally frozen!

Satan: That’s good, because I intend to take my time, and really savour this. [Satan gags] Sweet Styx, it smells awful in here. It’s worse than the Pit of Eternal Rot.

Riley: Why is everyone roasting my bathroom today?

Pizza Ghost Jon: It’s pretty awful.

Evelyn: Yeah, I try to avoid spending time in here when I can, and I can’t even smell.

Satan: Haven’t you ever heard of Febreze? This is ghastly. You’ve been in here for a year?

Pizza Ghost Jon: A year, one month, 26 days, seventeen hours, twenty minutes, aaaaand eight seconds. Not that I’ve been counting.

Riley: What the hell do you want this time, Satan?

Satan: Nothing complicated. Just some good, old-fashioned revenge for what you two fools did to my beloved Underworld! We haven’t had a rise in redemptions since you turned it into a tacky amusement park; nobody admits their sins and repents with a mouth full of cotton candy!

Evelyn: Hey, I tried my best! Doesn’t that count for something?

Satan: [Ignoring Her] And what’s more, my brothers have been roasting me relentlessly for what you did! The family group chat is becoming unbearable. It’s just constant mocking memes, and I blame your actions entirely!

Riley: We can’t help it that you have a shitty family! I can’t even deal with my own shitty family.

Satan: That’s besides the point. The Underworld sucks now, and it’s all your fault, so I’m going to take myself a consolation prize. [Low, sinister chuckle] The soul of one media-pirating little pizza boy.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh come on! Haven’t I suffered enough?

SOUND: Satan laughs.

Satan: Suffered? You don’t know the meaning of the word, Jonny Boy. I’ve spent millenia devising the cruellest and most despicable tortures to inflict upon the worst mankind has to offer. Murderers, pedophiles, telemarketers, door to door salespeople! People don’t repent and see the light because of God, they do it because I show them just how dark the darkness can be! And you will repent, Mr. Wheeler. You and all the other penitents - I’ll take you apart, atom by atom if I have to, and burn the sin out of your wretched little core.

Riley: Jesus, dude, you really need to chill!

Satan: [Full Demon Voice] SATAN HAS NO CHILL. IT ISN’T PART OF THE JOB DESCRIPTION.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I made a deal with one of your demon guys last year so that I wouldn’t go to hell!

Satan: Correct, but if you take a gander at the particulars of that deal.

SOUND: Paper ruffles.

Satan: [Clears Throat] “Jonovan ‘Jon’ Wheeler is to be spared the flames of hell, providing he remains in the purgatorial domain of one Riley Almanzor’s en suite bathroom for the rest of conceivable eternity.” In other words - If you leave the bathroom, your ass is mine.

Pizza Ghost Jon: But...you freed me! Isn’t that cheating?

Satan: You can’t cheat when you make the rules, kid. You can’t lose either.

Evelyn: Isn’t there some kind of appeal system for this? Can’t we get a lawyer?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I’d really, really like to get a lawyer right now!

SOUND: Satan laughs.

Satan: Oh, don’t you worry about that. There’s plenty in Hell.

Riley: Great. Now I have another reason to regret eating that stupid vaporizer gun. That probably would have been real useful right now.

Evelyn: Look, I’m really sorry for ruining The Underworld, but you can’t punish Jon for that. It was my decision, not his! Jon just wanted to not spend forever in the bathroom!

Satan: As much as it pains me to say it, I couldn’t punish you even if I wanted to. You’re a good person by all known parameters of judgement, and good people aren’t my department. You, on the other hand, Jon, are a complete monster. You refunded books on Audible that you actually enjoyed - Did you know the authors have to pay back the difference on refunded books? It’s horrifying.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I wasn’t aware of that!

Satan: [Full Demon Voice] IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SIN! I’ve wasted quite enough time in this filthy excuse for a bathroom today. Let’s head downstairs and get you processed.

SOUND: A hell-chasm opens up in the ground, with a number of demonic sound effects.

Satan: I can’t wait to try out my new thumb screws. I’ve been needing a pick-me-up lately. I do hope all the free movies were worth it, Jonovan.

Pizza Ghost Jon: When will thi s nightmare end!?

Satan: Going down…

SOUND: Satan begins his most dramatic evil laugh yet.

Riley: Wait!

Satan: [Full Demon Voice] WHAT!? [Normal] I hate it when people interrupt my laughs.

Riley: So you can only punish bad people, right?

Satan: Wasn’t I clear enough on that? I have a song prepared to further clarify if necessary. One second [Clears Throat, Prepares to Sing] I cannnn…

Riley: No, no, that won’t be necessary.

Satan: Shit. Nobody ever lets me sing the song.

Riley: If you’re gonna take anyone down to Hell for eternal torture, it should be me.

Evelyn and Jon: What!?

Riley: I literally killed Jon, for the stupidest reason ever, and it’s because of me that he’s been trapped in my bathroom for over a year. And it’s not just that - I’ve been a huge jerk. To Jon, and Evelyn, and...Well, everyone.

Evelyn: Riley! You don’t need to do this-

Riley: I can’t let Jon go to Hell! He doesn’t deserve it.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Riley, you don’t-

Riley: So if you wanna take the person - or, uh, ghoul - most deserving of punishment, let Jon go and take me. Trust me, I probably deserve hellfire a lot more than he does.

Satan: Oh, save it. You say that now, but when push comes to shove, you’ll back out as soon as you smell the brimstone. All you mortals are just selfish. You only hand over your souls willingly if you need to advance your music career.

Riley: Fucking try me, Red! I’ve lived with Carmen Almanzor for nearly 28 years. You’ve got nothing to threaten me with!

Satan: Is that a challenge I hear? Very well. I suppose I should bring you downstairs and help you make an informed decision. After all, it’s your eternity.

SOUND: Demonic whooshing. The chasm opens further, bringing the entire bathroom down to Hell. No more ghost filters - everyone is corporeal in Hell.

Pizza Ghost Jon: [exasperated] Guess we’re coming too…

Evelyn: At least we all have physical bodies in Hell. Maybe we can go back to that Nickelback restaurant-

Satan: Silence! Riley...How are you feeling about that deal now?

Riley: You haven’t done anything to me yet. I’m not a fan of the dry heat, but I can cope.

SOUND: Satan laughs.

Satan: I love that. The sarky ones are always the most rewarding to break. Let’s have a look at your sins first, then you’ll be ready for a nice damnation tasting plate.

Riley: I’ve already eaten an atomic lazer today, damnation’s a perfect dessert.

Satan: That attitude is getting extremely grating. Azfar!

SOUND: Azfar appears.

Azfar: What’s shakin’, boss-man?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Is it just me or do these guys sound really similar?

Evelyn: I don’t hear it.

Satan: Azfar, bring me the file on Riley Almanzor.

Azfar: Which sections?

Satan: The whole thing.

Azfar: Alright, I’ll get the wheelbarrow.

Riley: Wheelbarrow? Come on, there can’t be that much-

SOUND: An absurd number of papers being dumped out of a wheelbarrow.

Riley: Well fuck me, then.

Satan: Let’s have a look at section 16-B. [He clears his throat] In December of 2007, you mauled and devoured a department store Santa at the Capital West shopping centre because you had not gotten a pony for Christmas the previous year.

Riley: Or ANY OTHER YEAR!

Evelyn: You were still getting Santa photos at 14?

Azfar: That’s part of why it’s considered a sin.

Satan: And the punishment for that sin is right here, behind door number one!

SOUND: Door opens. Sleigh bells and sounds of suffering; popping; gore.

Satan: For all Christmas-related murders, your body cavity will be filled with cheap plastic toys, paper crowns, and groan-worthy dad jokes. Then you’ll be ripped in half, eight times a day, and 12 on actual Christmas! It’ll drive you crackers.

Riley: [scared] Holy shit.

SOUND: Door closes.

Satan: Is that fear I see in those buggy pink eyes of yours, Riley?

Riley: [intimidated] No. Obviously not. [normal] And if one more fucking person takes a shot at my eyes today, I swear to God, that file’s gonna get longer.

Satan: Speaking of the file, let’s take a looksie at section 200-G.

SOUND: Flipping pages.

Satan: Oh, this is a fun one! In June of 2018, you received your 6th strike from Pizza Pizzaz-O after traumatising a child in the ball pit!

Pizza Ghost Jon: [disgusted] Whoa, Riley!

Riley: It’s not as bad as it sounds! I was undoing the harm of the American educational system!

Evelyn: That doesn’t sound like a sin!

Satan: [chuckles] You are wrong! Azfar, read the transcripts.

Azfar: Sure thing, Jefe. [ clears throat ] Quote, “Your parents have probably already been replaced by cloud people. The only way to tell is to sneak up on them and set their hair on fire, because normal moonling hair smells really bad when you burn it, but cloud people hair smells like lavender. No, listen, don’t cry, just listen, okay? I’m telling you the truth, this is real life. Stop running. Why are you running? Come back.” End quote.

Riley: He’s reading it wrong. Of course it sounds bad with THAT inflection!

Pizza Ghost Jon: I mean, it’s better than what I thought he was gonna say, but maybe I just watch too much Dateline.

Satan: Do you have anything else to say for yourself, Riley?

Riley: [stammers] Uh...I plead the fifth?

Satan: The constitution doesn’t apply here. Especially the parts about cruel and unusual punishment! Speaking of, let’s open up door number two! Behold!

SOUND: Children screaming. School bell ringing.

Riley: [rattled] It’s...a perfect replica of my fourth grade classroom.

Satan: That’s right, because the punishment for traumatising other people’s children is being forced to recreate your own most awkward childhood moments on a loop, forever.

Riley: Oh, god, this is that time when I left an anonymous valentine on my crush’s desk, and when he told me he recognised my handwriting I vomited all over the place!

SOUND: The door slams.

Satan: If it’s any consolation, that’s nothing compared to the punishment we give to people who traumatise their own children.

Azfar: It involves corkscrews.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Who comes up with these punishments?

Azfar: Oh, we all put suggestions in a box and Satan picks the ones that make him laugh the hardest.

Satan: I’m a big fan of irony. Moving right along, how are you feeling about your offer, Riley? Any hesitation creeping in?

Riley: [clearly nervous] I stand unwavering?

Satan: Wonderful. I am loving that upward inflection. What do you think, Azfar, should we show them one more?

Azfar: You’re the boss, boss.

Satan: Perfect. Let’s read file number 4000-Z. [flips pages] Just last week, you ate a rack of ribs in your bed, got barbecue sauce all over the sheets, and didn’t wash them before you went to sleep.

Riley: Oh, come on.

Satan: In fact...let’s see...have they washed those sheets yet?

Azfar: They have not.

Riley: It’s on my to-do list!

Satan: Irrelevant! Time to see what’s behind door number three!

SOUND: Door opening.

Evelyn: Wait...that’s just someone’s college dorm.

Satan: It’s not someone’s college dorm! It’s where we send people who don’t wash their sheets- you have to live here, with a bachelor in his early 30’s who refuses to buy a bed and instead sleeps on a nest made of towels. His name is Chris.

Chris: Sup. You guys ever smoked DMT?

Evelyn: That’s horrible!

Riley: Not so fast, Evelyn, he might be onto something with the nest thing.

Chris: You guys ever seen Pulp Fiction? Changed my life.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I love that movie!

Satan: [annoyed] Okay, well...they can’t all be winners.

SOUND: Door slamming.

Satan: And that’s only three of your potential tortures! If I showed you all of them we’d be here all millennium. What do you say, Riley? Not so cocky now, are we?

Riley: You’ve certainly presented a selection of pretty horrifying fates, I’ll give you that.

Satan: Thank you, I try.

Riley: I think I’ve made my decision.

Satan: Go on.

Riley: If me going to hell means that Jon and Evelyn can go free, I guess I’m going to hell.

Azfar: The Underworld, actually!

Riley: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Evelyn: Riley, no! You can’t do that!

Satan: Really?

Riley: Yeah. I’ve spent a lot of this year thinking about how I’ve hurt people in my life, and even though sometimes it was because I wasn’t in a good headspace, I’ve come to realise that my intentions count for nothing if I don’t take accountability. So this is me, doing that.

Satan: You’re bluffing. You’re not just going to throw your soul away for a pair of annoying ghosts you barely know. I can see how much you’re sweating right now. You’re scared shitless.

Riley: Of course I am! This is eternal damnation we’re talking about! But if that’s what it takes to make things right for Evelyn and Jon, and that one mall santa, fuck it.

SOUND: Riley takes a deep breath.

Riley: Evelyn, Jon, I hope this makes up for everything.

Evelyn: Please don’t do it, Riley! I don’t wanna be dead without you!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I mean, I appreciate the sentiment but this is a little harsh. I don’t want you to be tortured...not forever, anyway.

Riley: I have never been mind-changed on a single thing, ever, and I refuse to start now. Enjoy heaven for me, guys. Thanks for an amazing year, Evelyn. And... sorry I ate you, Jon.

Evelyn: There has to be another way, Riley!

Riley: Doesn’t look like it from where I’m standing. And if this big, red, blowhard can promise you get to go to the afterlife you deserve, then a little eternal torture is a small price to pay. At least I won’t have to live with my mom anymore.

SOUND: Evelyn blubbers. Satan cackles.

Satan: So it’s a deal! Let’s shake on it.

Riley: If we have to.

Evelyn: Riley, please!

Pizza Ghost Jon: You really don’t have to do this for me!

SOUND: Demonic, magical sounds.

Satan: The contract is sealed! [Laughs] I’m going to turn the Underworld back into the palace of righteous suffering it was always meant to be - starting with you, Riley! It’s just too delicious.

Riley: So I guess this is goodbye, Ev.

Evelyn: I didn’t want it to happen like this, Riles!

Satan: I’m number one! Satan rules! Go Satan! Who’s the man?

Azfar: You’re the man, boss.

Satan: You’re damn right I am!

Evelyn: I won’t leave Riley! There’s gotta be something you can get me on! I used to smoke when I was a teenager! I secretly think I’m better than people who like pop music even though I know that’s just internalised misogyny! I’ve killed ants!

Satan: I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you, Old sport. Everyone get a hug in before we take Riley to their doom.

SOUND: Evelyn hugs Riley.

Riley: Jesus, you’re a tight hugger.

Evelyn: I’m making up for lost time. Do you wanna get in on this, Jon?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Hm...nah. I’d still rather not.

Riley: That’s fair.

Satan: Alright, that’s enough of that. Break it up. Come along, Riley.

SOUND: Door creaks open.

Satan: And you two can run along now, I’ve had my pound of flesh.

SOUND: Evelyn and Jon start to ascend.

Evelyn: I’ll never forget youuuu!

SOUND: The audio fades out. Cut to outro.

Scott: Thank you for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio-engineered by me, Scott Thomas- [audio warps and fades]

Production Note: Had you going there, didn’t we? ;)

SOUND: Less is Morgue audio returns. Evelyn and Jon abruptly stop ascending.

Pizza Ghost Jon: So, this shit again.

Evelyn: Why have we stopped?

Azfar: Well, it looks like we’re getting an urgent correspondence from upstairs.

Satan: Oh, of course, those non-euclidean pencil pushers need to put in their two cents...

SOUND: Mail room tube noises. Azfar opens the cylinder and reads the notice.

Azfar: [clicks his tongue] Well, well, well, this is quite the eleventh hour development. Says here that you can’t take Riley.

Satan: WHAT!?

Evelyn: Heck yeah!

Riley: Excuse me!?

Azfar: Well, in willingly and knowingly offering their soul up for eternal torment in exchange for nothing but the salvation of Evelyn and Jon, they have demonstrated the cardinal virtue of charity, specifically article 2, subsection 6: Self-sacrifice. And, according to the heavenly ordinances established by the amendment of ‘65, action that can be classed as a cardinal virtue cancels out any previous deadly sins.

Evelyn: Wait...are you saying...that Riley….our Riley….learned a lesson?

Azfar: Eh, there’s still plenty room for improvement, but that’s it in a nutshell, toots.

Satan: This is absolute horse piss! You can’t be serious!

Azfar: I’m not done reading the envoy, boss.

Satan: Of course not.

Azfar: It also says here that the spirits of Jonovan Wheeler and Evelyn Hooper are now formally unbound from their earthly remains, and, as per clause number 6 of the Hargreeves Act, they can pass between the ethereal and physical planes at their leisure.

Pizza Ghost Jon: And what’s that in English?

Evelyn: It means we’re not tied to Riley anymore, Jon! We’re free!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Fucking finally! Smell you later, assholes!

SOUND: Jon vanishes with a gleeful laugh.

Evelyn: Alright, Riley, we did it!

Riley: Fuck, you’re right, we did. It took a while, and I had to risk my eternal soul, but we got there eventually.

Evelyn: Wanna head back to the basement?

Riley: With you?

Evelyn: Yeah!

Riley: Didn’t you hear what Azfar said? You’re free to go. You can go haunt Chad Kroger now or whatever, you don’t have to stick with me anymore.

Evelyn: I know, but I want to! I think we should celebrate! I can go out any time I want from now on, but tonight I wanna order some barbecue and crack open a cheap bottle of white wine with my best friend and Roommate. But only if you’ll have me.

Riley: Fuck yeah, I will. Let’s see when Last Chance stops delivering.

Satan: Not so fast, you little shitters! You think you can make a fool of me like this and get away with it? I’ve ruined lives! I’ve toppled empires! I’m the Lord of Darkness, for fuck’s sake! I can’t be beaten by a pair of fucking...PODCASTERS!

Evelyn: If you need to blow off some steam, Mr. Satan, I’m sure there are still some pretty cool rides if you haven’t torn them all down yet!

Riley: Oh yeah, and I’ve heard those cotton-candy corn dogs do wonders for stress.

SOUND: Satan lets out a demonic roar.

Satan: Screw all of you, I didn’t want your stupid souls anyway! You’ll fuck up later, and then you’ll come straight back to me.

Riley: See you then, bud.

SOUND: Fiery BOOM! Satan has left the building.

Azfar: Sorry about that, folks, the boss can be a little high-strung sometimes. He’ll calm down after he’s had a glass of scotch and taken a lava bath.

Riley: Can we go home now? The battery on my laptop is running real low.

Evelyn: And the dry heat down here is crazy.

Azfar: Eh, you get used to it. How have you two been, aside from the whole “getting dragged into the abyss by the Father of Lies” thing?

Riley: Let’s just say you were right about a lot of wild shit coming down the pipeline. Glad it’s all over now.

Azfar: Oh...uh, sure. All over. Let’s not ruin the moment. Congrats on clearing all the darkness off your slate, Myxter Almanzor.

Riley: Thanks. This time I’ll try to keep it off.

SOUND: POOF! We’re back in the basement. Evelyn has her ghost voice again.

Evelyn: Whew! We’re back! What an end to the season, huh, Riley?

Riley: Yep. Leave it to us to end our first season on an actual deus ex machina. And people told me it was unrealistic to have one in the Sword of R’lyeh!

Evelyn: Is it weird that I feel like it’s only gonna get crazier from here?

Riley: Don’t jinx us, Evelyn. I want at least a couple weeks of calm before some other crazy bullshit inevitably happens to us.

Evelyn: It’s nice that Jon got to move on. I hope he comes back to visit sometime.

Riley: He absolutely won’t, Evelyn. The poor guy was practically a hostage.

Evelyn: Fair enough.

SOUND: Riley gasps.

Riley: The bathroom! I’ll finally have a single crumb of privacy! And not a moment too soon, because I’m getting another wave of atomic stomach cramps. I really should’ve just smashed that thing, huh?

Evelyn: Well, you can keep that in mind for next time.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach gurgles.

Riley: Wrap this up, Evelyn.

SOUND: Riley runs desperately for the bathroom and slams the door. They make an ungodly noise of sheer intestinal discomfort.

Evelyn: Thanks for listening to our first season, everyone. Your support means so much to us, and we can’t wait to see you again for season two. Stay safe, stay spooky, and if you were thinking about eating an atomic vaporiser weapon today….

SOUND: Riley groans in pain and flushes the toilet.

Evelyn: Maybe consider...eating literally anything else.

Riley: [from the bathroom] Why do I do this to myself?

THE END.