Riley and Evelyn are preparing to play a game of D&D for the penultimate episode of Season 1. Joining them are a bloodthirsty, hyper-competitive vampire, a spaced-out white trash fire-demon, and a certain supernatural tech mogul that our heroes are always trying to get rid of.
Due to the transcript being so long for this episode, if you have trouble loading it on the website, you can view it here via the original writing document. Enjoy!
+transcript
Riley: This episode is gonna suck.
Evelyn: No.
Riley: Yes!
Evelyn: I swear to gosh, Riley, you're gonna have fun here if it kills you.
Riley: Then you better be ready to kill me, Hooper.
Evelyn: Hey everybody! Today, we’re going to do something a little different: You may know about Riley’s fantasy novel, The Sword of R’lyeh, if you’ve been listening from the beginning, but what you might not know is Riley also plays R’lyeh as their D&D character.
Riley: I resent the word ‘play’, Evelyn - it’s a mechanism for storytelling. Serious storytelling!
Evelyn: It’s still a game, Riley. I found this Dungeon Master’s Guide on Amazon under the Toys and Games section.
Riley: Sure! And I bet The Dark Tower is a game! And Baldur’s Gate is a game!
Evelyn: ...The first one is a book. The second one is a game. Anyway, so Riley likes to play D&D online -
Riley: Because real people suck.
Evelyn: And recently, there was an incident…
Riley: That's one way to put it. Those COWARDS on Roll20 not being able to tolerate the truth bombs I was dropping on them is less an incident and more an example of the flaws in the system.
Evelyn: I thought you said they banned you because everyone complained that you kept railroading their campaigns.
Riley: You know, people throw around the word “railroad” like it’s a bad thing. But you know what wouldn’t exist without railroads? AMERICA!
Evelyn: Oh boy, here we go…
Riley: America aside, those idiots on Roll20 didn’t see all the good that I was doing for them. It was my duty to take on the role of leader but they wouldn’t give it to me! How could they deny me the destiny that was thrust upon me!?
Evelyn: You sound like a cult leader.
Riley: Evelyn, you know how I feel about organized religion.
Evelyn: Well then, you sound like the tinpot dictator of some small island in the pacific.
Riley: I’ll take it. Also, those jackanapes didn't even have the courtesy to use period-correct language while they were playing.
Evelyn: But Riley, it's a fantasy world, there is no period, nothing can be correct.
Riley: Shhh! It's clearly inspired by Euro-Medieval culture, therefore, people would have been speaking old English!
Evelyn: Well, technically they were already speaking an earlier version of modern English, Old English died out in the 12th century and was actually much closer to German than it was to-
Riley: I’m sorry, who’s the fantasy expert here? Is it you?
Evelyn: I wrote my college thesis on fairy tales, Riley. You know this.
Riley: Well, maybe you can go talk to those bozos on Roll20, because they’re all living in a fairy tale!
[BEAT]
Evelyn: So anyway, that’s why we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons in the basement.
Riley: Evelyn. This is the second-to-the-last episode of the season before we take our hiatus. I’m behind on four different video games and it’s killing me. IT’S KILLING ME, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Evelyn: I’ll kill you in a second.
Riley: Ha, let's be honest, Ev, if you were gonna kill me, you would have done it by now. [beat] I can’t believe you invited a bunch of people to come to MY basement and sit on MY furniture and--
Evelyn: You are in your parents’ basement and we are sitting on your parents’ furniture, Riley.
Riley: Same difference. It goes to me in THE WILL when I kill- I mean- when they die.
Evelyn: The whole basement, huh? What about the rest of the house?
Riley: ...the what? [pause] Oh yeah! There’s an upstairs, I keep forgetting.
Evelyn: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna go ahead and do the intro.
Riley: Sure, why not. Take me on this ride through hell with you.
Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, you’re speaking Modern English, and not Old English, just like the people in the middle ages.
Riley: LET THAT GO, EV-
SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro.
Riley: Welcome everyone. There are four thousand species of spiders in the world. If every spider banded together, they would be able to eat every single human being on the planet. It’s why I’ve made it my mission to devour every single spider I see. The work I do in this basement protects you all. I'm Riley, your Best Ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most! And also, in this episode, your DM!
Riley: You can’t be the DM, you don’t know how to DM.
Evelyn: But if you were the DM, you couldn’t be R’lyeh.
Riley: Ugh, I guess you’re right. I have my character stats right here, anyway.
Evelyn: I’ve been reading this Dungeon Master Guide over and over again for the last three days. I even read the Player’s Handbook so if there’s any confusion, I can help our guests with their rolls.
Riley: I can’t believe people are actually going to show up here.
Evelyn: ‘People’ is maybe an overstatement. I mean, some may surprise us, but as it is, I put the invite out on short notice and most of the people I reached out to declined.
Riley: Who’d you invite?
Evelyn: Dildo Fusion, you know, from the band Dildo Fusion- but they’re on their European solo tour this month. And Greg, but he’s taking his horse to Disney World for her birthday.
Riley: What about Fred?
Evelyn: He- uh- his reason was kind of embarrassing and I don’t think I should say it on-air.
Riley: Lemme see the chat.
SOUND: Riley looks at their phone.
Riley: “Sorry, darlings, I’m at the hospital because my dick got stuck in another pumpkin. Long story.”
Evelyn: I wouldn’t read past that part. He goes into very explicit detail.
Riley: Classic Fred. What about Shaz and that other dumbass we were on that Skype call with a while back?
Evelyn: It’s 11 am where they live and they both have jobs.
Riley: Please tell me you didn’t invite Tiffany.
Evelyn: She and Florida Man are on vacation together in Cabo.
Riley: Well, thank god for small mercies. Who else is there to invite?
Evelyn: Ed.
Riley: What was his excuse?
Evelyn: He respectfully declined because apparently tabletop gaming isn’t vegan.
Riley: Figures. So who’s left?
SOUND: Muffled wing flapping outside, repeated light tapping on the window. The window creaks open. Wing flapping noise gets louder until a distinct poof sound is heard. A loud thud hits the ground, followed by clanking noises that are buckles and leather bumping together.
Riley: Oh god damn it.
Camille: Well fuck you too, Riley.
Evelyn: Camille! You’re here! I’m so glad you were able to make it!
Camille: Eh, the poker game I was supposed to be at got cancelled. [pause] Well, “cancelled” might be a lie. [beat] No, it’s definitely a lie. I killed them. That’ll teach them to accuse me of cheating.
Evelyn: Luckily, you can’t cheat at Dungeons and Dragons.
Camille: Unless you have weighted dice.
Riley: Evelyn, when I saw a vampire bat come into this house, I was hoping for it to be literally anyone else. I would’ve preferred that Count Chocula meathead we met on the hiking trail.
Camille: Are you talking about Klyle? He sucks at D&D, you made the right choice.
SOUND: Camille sits down on Riley’s bed and starts unbuckling her boots.
Riley: Why do you always sit on my bed when you come here?
SOUND: Camille hisses.
Riley: Fine, fine, just stay there.
Camille: So who’s the DM?
Evelyn: Me! I am!
Camille: And who else is playing?
Evelyn: Just the three of us.
SOUND: Camille gives an uncomfortably awkward laugh.
Camille: [sarcastic] This is gonna be a fun time.
Evelyn: [ignoring the sarcasm] Yeah, hopefully!
Camille: Do you at least have drinks and snacks? That people other than you can survive eating?
Riley: Probably not. I don’t believe in groceries.
Camille: Figures. Whatever, I’ll just get a delivery driver.
Evelyn: They don’t come here anymore after Riley’s...indiscretions.
Camille: This basement is where happiness comes to die.
Riley: I feel like we need one more person to make the game work.
Evelyn: Hmm- Oh, hey, I’ve still got Ars Socia on my ghost phone-
Riley: We’re not that desperate.
Evelyn: No, no, I’m not gonna summon any of the weird ones-
Riley: But Fred already said he couldn’t come.
Evelyn: I know, but I’m sure there are other nice demons on this app- oh, hey! Flauros is online!
SOUND: Evelyn types something.
Evelyn: He says he’s down!
SOUND: She summons Flauros with the app. Flauros appears in the basement, accompanied by the rattling of empty beer cans.
Flauros: FLAUROS AWAKENS!!! [Big, ridiculous laugh] The doctors said it was impossible, but unfortunately they were wrong!
Camille: Am I the only one seeing this, or was my last blood bag spiked?
Riley: Right. Okay. Well I guess this is happening now. Listeners, you may remember Flauros, and the feelings of confusion and concern that he brings with him.
Flauros: I like to think Flauros brings the party. And the weeeeeeeeed! Who's blazing? I'm blazing! It dulls the pain!
Riley: Camille, Flauros, Flauros, Camille. Now you know each other. I pity you both.
Evelyn: Yay! Now we've got a party!
Flauros: Hell yeah, baby, that's what I'm talking about. Where's the EDM? Flauros needs to get ketted! I even brought my glow sticks!
Evelyn: Uhhh...there's no EDM, I'm afraid. I'm not even sure what EDM is.
Flauros: WHAT!? But you promised EDM in the DMs!
Evelyn: No, I said DM in the DMs! I’m the DM, we’re gonna play D&D!
Flauros: Demons and Dancing? Or maybe Demons & Drugs? Or Drugs & Drugs?
SOUND: Clicking sound of the glow sticks knocking together.
Camille: Where did you even find this guy?
Flauros: You don’t find Flauros! Flauros finds YOU!
Camille: ...I have so many questions.
Evelyn: And we don’t have time to answer them, so now that we’re all here…
SOUND: Todd’s laughter begins to ring out through the basement.
Riley: Oh, fuck me.
Flauros: Oh, it’s that kinda party? I’m game.
Camille: Why does the weirdest shit always happen in this basement?
Evelyn: It’s a curse.
SOUND: Building electrical current noises play, before a BOOM! And Todd is in the room.
Todd: Room for one more?
Riley: No, fuck you.
Camille: Hold on, hold on- [weird tongue noises] Todd’s a human, right?
Riley: We assume so, yes. He’s at least human-adjacent.
Camille: Three is the ideal party size, let him stay. You can sit next to me.
SOUND: Todd sits down.
Camille: You have such a lovely neck- necklace? I said necklace. [beat] Hi I’m Camille.
Todd: Oh, this? I’m unsurprised that you say that, given the quality.
Riley: From here it looks like one of those cheap chains that Top 5 Nastiest Slimes gives away for free on instagram.
Flauros: Don’t knock Top 5’s merch! I wore one of his gold chains to my cousin’s wedding. Never got invited back.
Todd: Flauros, good to see you again.
Flauros: Do I know you? Do you know me? Can any of us know ourselves?
Todd: You just got summoned via my app. Technically, I'm your boss, but really, I don't want you to think of it as a vertical structure. I'm just your friend - except, you know, I have total power over your livelihood.
Evelyn: Come on, Todd, we didn't even invite you!
Todd: Be that as it may, you don't have a great track record for getting me to leave.
Riley: I'd say two for two is pretty good.
Todd: Yeah, but it took the whole episode, so you might as well just roll with it. What are we playing, fam?
Evelyn: Dungeons and Dragons. I don't really think it's your thing, Todd, it involves creativity.
Todd: On the contrary, Evelyn, Actual Play Podcasts are really hip right now, so for as long as that market trend continues, it's very much my thing.
Flauros: The dude with the man bun talks funny. Is he gonna do that the whole time?
Riley: [Sighs] Yeah, it only stops being insufferable never.
SOUND: Evelyn’s public-domain fantasy music begins to play.
Evelyn: Adventurers! You have all been gathered here today to journey across mystical lands in search of riches, glory, and to wrangle your destinies with your own two hands!
Riley: Wait, we’re not even going to stop and get rid of Todd?
Evelyn: No! We’ve wasted too much time as it is. The quest [dramatic pause] BEGINS!
Todd: [Smug] I count this as a win.
Riley: [Exasperated] Is everyone even prepared to play?
SOUND: Paper rattling and something being knocked around in a metal tin.
Camille: I was born ready. [said with a smile]
Todd: Not as born ready as I was born ready.
Camille: Don’t count on it, dipstick.
Todd: It’s Todd, but you’ll get it eventually. Everyone will.
Camille: Again, don’t count on it.
Flauros: So, just to be totally clear, there's no EDM?
Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] NO! THERE IS NO EDM! THIS IS DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS! [Normal voice, still upset] We are going to all sit here and play this game and go on this adventure and have a great time! [Demonic Voice] GOT IT?!
Riley, Camille, Todd, and Flauros: [meek] ...Sorry.
Evelyn: [normal pleasant voice] Good! [mystical storyteller voice] Now then, you all arrive in a small rural town on the outskirts of...Night Vale. It’s a community of farmers and merchants, but they often receive travelers, like yourselves, in their town to trade or simply stop and rest. You spy a tavern just down the dirt road and there are a few vendors who are trying to sell their wares, but you’re all tired from your journey and make your way to the tavern.
Camille: But what if I don’t want to go to that tavern? It’s a little too family-friendly, I can’t imagine myself starting a bar fight there.
Evelyn: You can’t. There are no other taverns in town. It’s small. There’s only one.
Todd: They need to work on getting some investors.
Riley: Shh!
Flauros: Sorry.
Riley: You weren’t even talking.
Flauros: Oh, right…
Evelyn: [ignores] There is ONE tavern and you all go inside. As you enter, you see several patrons milling about. They’re all drinking and talking, some are dancing to a bard playing a lute. The barkeep is handing out large pints of mead and some are gorging on food. You are all a little winded from the journey and could use some rest. So, what do you all do?
Camille: How do we even know each other? We just walked in here together and we’re four total strangers!
Evelyn: Oh, right! Uhh… [pause] Well, introduce your characters!
Riley: Well, I’m Riley and I play --
Camille: [interrupts them, enthused] I’m Camille and I play Illana Poisonleaf.
Riley: [Quietly] Guess I’ll just go fuck myself then.
Camille: She’s a Drow Barbarian who hails from the Underdark. Her mother is one of the Drow priestesses of Lolth. She is on her pilgrimage to obtain renown for her family. She had a slave once, a male Drow, but he annoyed her to the point of her going into Rage and she yeeted him off a cliff.
Riley: The past tense is “yote”.
Camille: [ignores] Now she travels alone. Until she met you fuckers, I guess. She wields a ridiculously large bastard sword. Her mother gifted her with a Bag of Holding so if anyone gets the smart idea to try and steal or break her sword, just know that she has three more inside the bag. She wears an Amulet of the Planes, also gifted to her by her mother, that allows her to teleport, explore, and it’s just a fine piece of jewelry.
Riley: How do you have two magical items?
Camille: [seething] One is a basic magical item that you can actually purchase from the start, you twit, and the other is a wondrous item that I am allowed to have tied to my origin story. [mutters] Fucking jerkoff.
Riley: ...Fine. But you’re on thin ice!
Camille: [continues] She’s six foot-four and ripped like Angela Bassett.
SOUND: Evelyn turning pages through the Player’s Handbook.
Evelyn: Uhhh, I don’t think Drow are supposed to be that tall.
Camille: Illana Poisonleaf is.
Riley: How?!
Camille: She drinks her unicorn milk! Also fuck you, that’s why.
Evelyn: Fair enough. I’ll allow it.
Camille: And that’s the gist of it.
Riley: Anyway, my character is--
Todd: My character will be named Todd.
Evelyn: That’s your name.
Todd: Well, my character has the same name as me. There’s no rule against that.
Evelyn: ...Fine, alright. What are his race and class?
Todd: He’s a human, and his class is, uh...influencer.
Riley: That’s not a class you can choose.
Todd: What about entrepreneur?
Evelyn: Nope, that’s not a class in the game either.
Todd: CEO.
Riley: For the love of fuck!
Evelyn: Todd, if you’re gonna be here, you’ll have to play the game properly.
Todd: I thought you could do whatever you wanted in this game.
Camille: You want to play as yourself?
Todd: Why not?
Evelyn: Because it’s pretend, Todd! Don’t you want a little escapism?
Todd: I have nothing to escape from or improve upon in my life, so, no. I don’t.
Camille: That is...the furthest up their own ass I’ve ever seen anybody go.
SOUND: Evelyn sighs.
Evelyn: Todd, I don’t care if you’re playing a character also named Todd, but...come on, could you just be a wizard or something?
Todd: A Silicon Valley tech wizard?
Evelyn: Sure, whatever. Todd’s a wizard. Riley, tell us all about R’lyeh.
Riley: Well, R’lyeh is a--
Flauros: Can Flauros be a character? Flauros has always wanted to be someone who's not Flauros! Ha-ha! Anyone but me.
Evelyn: Flauros, are you okay?
Flauros: No…
SOUND: Flauros skulls a can of beer and crunches the empty tin on his head; belches fire.
Flauros: But now Flauros is! Ha haaaaaaaaa!
Evelyn: Anyway… I guess you could be a Tiefling…
Flauros: The fuck’s a Tiefling? Can I smoke, snort or shoot it up?
SOUND: Evelyn flips the pages of the Player’s Handbook.
Evelyn: Well, according to this, Tieflings are demons...
Flauros: Demons? Fuck that shit. Flauros don't wanna be no demon - I have to be a demon every day, and lemme tell you, it fuckin sucks. What else can I be?
Evelyn: You could be a human?
Flauros: Sure, why not.
Evelyn: Do you have a name for your human?
Flauros: Uhhh...how about Brian Wilson?
Riley: THAT’S NOT A FANTASY NAME, YOU DRUGGED-OUT FUCK!
Flauros: It is for me, baby! Where I come from, everybody’s called shit like Flauros and Sabnock and Pazuzu. Brian Wilson sounds like he's from another fuckin’ planet. There ain't motherfuckers called ‘Brian’ in Hell - except Jack the Ripper, did you know his real name was Brian?
Riley: [quietly] I knew it!
Evelyn: Where did the whole “Jack” thing come from?
Flauros: British people can’t come up with nicknames for shit, they call everyone Jack. When I visited there they kept calling me Spring-Heeled Jack- even though the fact I got mad hops is the least interesting thing about me.
Evelyn: So...What’s Brian’s class?
Flauros: Uhhh, middle?
Evelyn: What?
Flauros: Whatever the middle one is, y’know?
Evelyn: Like in the list?
Flauros: Yeah! Whatever, I'm too fuckin high to be decisive.
Evelyn: Okay. Ranger, then. Brian Wilson, the ranger.
Flauros: Hell yeah, baby, that's me.
Riley: Is that it? Name, race, and class? Are you even fucking trying, Flauros? Could you at least attempt a backstory?
Flauros: Flauros has fried his brain with so...many...drugs that Flauros don't even remember his own backstory, and tomorrow, I probably won't remember this, so hop off my ass, will ya?
SOUND: Riley grumbles quietly.
Evelyn: Sorry about all the interruptions, Riley- go ahead and introduce your character now.
Riley: Finally! Now all you clowns have introduced your idiotic characters, it’s time for me to shine. [they clear their throat] My character’s name is R’lyeh of the order of Manzoral, first of their name. They are a noble ghoul paladin, on a holy quest to rid the world of evil. They wield a mighty greatsword, which is way bigger and cooler than the bastard sword.
Camille: A greatsword and a bastard sword are the same thing.
Riley: It doesn’t matter, it’s fantasy so it can be called whatever I want! Evelyn: Excuse me?
Riley: Anyways, R’lyeh has taken the oath of heroism, before their patron deity Heironeous. Their holy item is a sacred tome, gifted unto them by the monks of their order, because R’lyeh was the only paladin whose brain was big enough to hold all the Holy Truths. Every other paladin looked upon the Holy Truths and their heads exploded because they couldn’t handle it.
Camille: They sound like a geek.
Riley: They are not! They’re the best!
Camille: Sounds like something a geek would say.
SOUND: Riley gets up.
Riley: You know what? You know what? Where’s my crossbow, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Can we just play the game now, Riley? Your crossbow bolts aren’t wooden, so it wouldn’t even do anything to her.
SOUND: Riley sits back down and grumbles. Evelyn plays the music again.
Evelyn: So, you’ve all come together- R’lyeh is here to inquire about a room for the night, because you’re stopping here on your quest and merriment is beneath you. Riley: Correct. Evelyn: Ilana Poisonleaf, you’ve just broken a man’s arm in an arm-wrestling match, and now all the eligible single people in this bar wanna touch your muscles. Camille: Hell yeah.
Evelyn: Brian Wilson, you’re getting schwasted on the local mead-
[Beat]
Evelyn: Flauros, Brian is you. Flauros: Oh, dope. Evelyn: And Todd, you’re bartering with some of the patrons, trying to sell your magical proprietary runestones at an obscenely marked-up price.
Todd: Yes!
Evelyn: Yes, you’re all doing your normal thing, enjoying yourselves-
Riley: I’m meditating. Evelyn: -either enjoying yourselves or meditating. So, our stage is set- Riley, this is your house so you can go first.
Riley: I, the gallant paladin R’lyeh, am in the room that I have rented for the night, and I am meditating, because I don’t need to sleep. I meditate for like...about 30 minutes, then I’m back up and continuing my important work.
Evelyn: And what does that work involve?
Riley: Writing the new volume of my new holy book, full of newer and even more mind-blowing truths.
Todd: A bibble, if you will.
Camille: [pretending to sneeze] Geek.
Riley: I KNOW THAT WAS A FAKE SNEEZE!! YOU DON’T HAVE A NOSE!!
Evelyn: [loudly] So, R’lyeh, you’re setting down to work on your holy manuscript, but you realise you don’t have a candle to write by.
Riley: Yes I do. I always do. I have 10 in my inventory sheet.
[Beat]
Evelyn: Well, cool, I’ll leave you to it. Ilana Poisonleaf- you’re still at the bar.
Camille: I’m gonna roll a perception check to determine who the hottest person in the tavern is.
Evelyn: Okay, go on ahead.
SOUND: Dice clattering.
Camille: 14.
Evelyn: So, Ilana, you survey the crowd of people who have all been gathered around to watch you whip that other dude’s butt at arm wrestling, and you lock eyes with a handsome stranger.
Camille: I don’t need to say anything to him. He knows.
Evelyn: Okay, Brian, your turn.
Flauros: I am gonna roll a perception check to see who the second hottest person is!
SOUND: Dice.
Flauros: 6.
Evelyn: Brian, you’re over there getting drunk on mead when you notice, through the haze of alcohol, a busty wench, and she’s giving you a lil wave like she wants you to come over.
Flauros: I roll to commence the flirting.
SOUND: Dice.
Flauros: Hell yeah, motherfucker! Flauros got himself a nat 20!
Evelyn: She gives you a look, and she says ‘Hey, stranger, I haven’t seen you around here before.’ What line are you gonna use on her?
[Beat]
Flauros: [floundering] I’m Flauros!
Riley: THAT’S NOT EVEN YOUR CHARACTER’S NAME!
Evelyn: Todd, what are you doing at this present moment?
Todd: I’m trying to convince one of the local blacksmiths that using my app- sorry, runestone- will increase his business’ efficiency.
Evelyn: Alright, should’ve expected as much. The blacksmith looks at you, and he’s thinking, and he says…[as the blacksmith] “So, Todd, what you’re telling me is that this rune can double the number of horseshoes I make in a week?”
Todd: Not only that, but, for a small additional fee, I’ll sell you a charm that makes your horseshoes 50% more resistant to the normal wear and tear. You see-
SOUND: Todd’s music starts playing.
Evelyn: Todd…
Todd: There’s a lot to worry about these days- hunger, war, the black plague, so when it comes to quality iron products, your customers don’t want to have to worry about whether or not they can trust you-
Evelyn: Todd, listen, can you just-
Todd: A modern blacksmith needs to keep up with the growing demands of a rapidly industrialising society. So, what I’m saying is- you should cut out the middleman, and-
Evelyn: Todd, I’m glad you’re playing along, but you have to roll persuasion.
Todd: Oh, of course. Sorry- I forgot where I was for a second there. You know how it is, you get in the marketing headspace-
Evelyn: I really don’t, Todd.
SOUND: Dice.
Todd: A 2? Are you fucking kidding me?
Evelyn: The blacksmith laughs in your face and tells you to heck off.
Camille: Maybe there’s something wrong with your dice. Hold your hand out so I can see your wrist- [she corrects herself] hand you my dice so you can use them on your next turn.
Todd: I appreciate the offer, but these are Todd Dice, and they’re perfectly constructed.
Camille: Just like your veins-
Riley: Camille, stop trying to eat Todd.
Camille: Well I can’t order in, and my only other choices here are ectoplasm, green poison, and heroin.
Todd: It’s not bothering me at all. I’m astrally projecting, so I’m not in any real danger.
Camille: EAT MY ENTIRE ASS.
Todd: I’m almost always astral projecting. The meatspace me is at a business Toddference in London right now...I think.
Riley: You did not just say Toddference.
Todd: I always think that words with ‘con’ in them are too negative.
Evelyn: Alright, Riley, it’s your turn again.
Riley: I come down from my room. I’m going to roll perception to look for the tavern’s cat-
Evelyn: Aww!
Riley: -because I’m hungry.
Evelyn: ...Less aww.
SOUND: Dice.
Riley: 19. Naturally.
Evelyn: R’lyeh, you find the tavern’s cat, but, because you’re so perceptive-
Riley: Thank you, I am.
Evelyn: You notice that something is wrong about the cat. It’s not quite moving the way a cat normally does, almost like it’s not really a cat at all.
Riley: I eat it anyway.
Evelyn: [sighs] Okay. You catch the cat and go to eat it, but your claws go through it like thin air.
Riley: An illusion! What are you hiding?
SOUND: Evelyn sighs.
Riley: I deduce from that that the whole tavern is an illusion. I’m going to go into the main room where people sit around and drink and stuff.
Evelyn: The bar.
Riley: Whatever, I’m going there.
Evelyn: Very well. You walk into the bar and you run into Ilana Poisonleaf, who is taking the handsome stranger up to her chambers.
Riley: Gross. Anyway. [clears their throat] “Hail and well met, drow. Thou art making a sizable mistake attempting to bed this knave. This tavern hath a strange magic placed upon it.”
Camille: “Literally nobody asked you.”
Riley: Are you not even gonna try to use period-correct language? Like...fuck, you’re a vampire, I thought you’d at least get that part right!
Camille: ...How old do you think I am?
Riley: Irrelevant.
Camille: Whatever, I really think you’re just trying too hard to be the hero here.
Riley: Um, excuse me--
Evelyn: [strained, pleading] Brian Wilson! What are you doing right now?
Flauros: What do I roll to motorboat the booba?
Riley: YOU DON’T!
Evelyn: Dexterity!
SOUND: Dice clattering.
Flauros: Nat 20 again, bitch!
Camille: Niiicceeee.
Evelyn: You lean in to motorboat those ta-tas like there’s no tomorrow, but alas! You fall through those luscious love mountains and come crashing to the bar floor below.
Flauros: Flauros has heard of fake titties, but this is ridiculous! Oh! Oh! Can I roll to see if there’s anything worthwhile down here? Once I found a whole funtime skittle on the floor of a club bathroom. It was awesome! It was terrible!
Evelyn: Maybe on your next turn? Todd, your turn.
Todd: I’m going to roll perception to see if any of these other fine patrons look particularly gullible- I mean open-minded.
SOUND: Dice clattering.
Todd: 15! That’s more like it!
Evelyn: Alright, well, you look around and you spot the barkeep. He looks like someone who could really use some blue sky thinking to help run his business.
Todd: Perfect! I’ll talk to him. Excuse me, sir. Name’s Todd. Might I say this is a fine establishment you’re running here.
Evelyn: [as the bartender] “What do you want, ale?”
Todd: I want…to sell you the dream.
Evelyn: [as the bartender] “I had a pet skeever when I was a kid.”
Todd: Well, maybe you’d be interested in investing in Todd Dogs. They’re like dogs, but better. Unlike standard dogs, they go to sleep when you’re bored of them, thanks to the bio-off-switch under their left ear!
Evelyn: You keep pitching to the bartender, but he still doesn’t seem to react. Almost as if he’s just reading off of a script.
Todd: But how can I afford a ToddDog, I hear you asking! Well, with our completely legitimate compound-interest repayment plan-
Riley: IT’S AN ILLUSION, YOU SIMPLE MINDED FUCKS!! I already TOLD you!
Camille: What happened to that period correct language, Riley?
Riley: [angry, resigned] This is out of character!
Evelyn: Do you want to try and do something in-character to warn Tod--
Todd: I’ve got it! He’s an illusion! That’s the kind of thing you don’t figure out when you can’t think outside the box like me.
Riley: UGH!
Flauros: Ohhh that doth be why I could not-eth partake of those fine breasticles. [whispering] Notice how I’m using ye olde English now? I got your back, bro.
Riley: [deadpan] Thanks, Flauros. It’s like I’m really there.
Camille: Alright, so, we’ve all figured out the tavern is an illusion now.
Riley: Roll for ‘I told you so’.
Evelyn: I guess that would be persuasion?
SOUND: Riley rolls die.
Riley:...I rolled a 6.
Evelyn: You can say ‘I told you so’ but quietly.
Riley: [quietly] I told you so.
Camille: I take a dildo out of my bag of holding and peg it at Riley’s head.
Evelyn: I’ll let that be a free action. R’lyeh, you get hit in the face, react accordingly.
Riley: Why do you even have that?
Camille: It’s my bag of holding, it has whatever I want in it.
Riley: They didn’t even have dildos back then!
Camille: [smugly] Back when? What year is this game set in, Riley?
Riley: ...THE BEFORE TIMES!
Flauros: Actually, even in Ancient Roman times, people used-
Riley: SHUT THE FUCK UP, FLAUROS.
Evelyn: R’lyeh! Accept the hit and move on!
SOUND: Riley grumbles.
Evelyn: Now that you are all aware of the illusion, it starts to fail. More and more of the tavern starts to deteriorate until you see that without the spell, this is a dark place. It almost seems like a cavern, full of cobwebs and pits of fire and the skeletons of long-dead warriors that have stumbled here and met their fate.
Riley: I eat a spider for strength.
Evelyn: You gain one hit point.
Flauros: Wait a second… I thought Busty Bar Wench was just a hot ghost! So she’s not coming back…?
Evelyn: No, Brian. I’m sorry. This must be very hard for you.
Flauros: [somber] My understanding of reality has taken a hit today… [pause] AWWWWRIGHT! BACK TO THE PARTAY!
Camille: I roll to punch Brian Wilson in the face.
Evelyn: Strength.
SOUND: Camille rolls.
Camille: 16.
Evelyn: You completely sucker punch him and it shuts him up-
SOUND: Camille actually punches Flauros in real life. Flauros grunts.
Evelyn: Camille, no! Why did you do that??
Camille: I’m method.
Flauros: It’s okay, Flauros didn’t feel it. Flauros doesn’t feel anything! [in a smaller, more haunted whisper] Flauros doesn’t feel anything...
Riley: Of course you don’t…
Todd: When’s my turn? Todd’s getting antsyyyy!
Evelyn: Todd, as our party wizard, see if you have anything in your book of spells that could potentially help out.
Todd: So everyone’s relying on me? I like it. Alright, let’s have a look…
SOUND: Todd looks through the player handbook.
Todd: I’m going to cast Summon Steed, to get us out of here.
Evelyn: Oh, So it could be like, a unicorn, or a dragon, or a giant eagle, or-
Todd: A ford fiesta. The perfect car for ride sharing, in my opinion.
Evelyn: Wait, what?
Riley: Out of every spell in your arsenal you could’ve used, out of any possible choice, limited only by your imagination….you called an Uber.
Todd: Yes!
Riley: You are the lamest person alive.
Todd: Actually, I was featured in a Buzzfeed listicle recently, so I think I’m pretty hip.
Camille: Ew. Anyway, I’m splitting away from the party.
Evelyn: The exit is blocked by a boulder. Like, a biiiig boulder!
Todd: Well, in that case I guess I have to cancel my ride because he won’t be able to get around that.
Evelyn: Todd….he can if you want him to, it’s magic. Because this is pretend.
Camille: I punch the boulder.
SOUND: Dice.
Camille: Three.
Evelyn: You break your hand.
Camille: I will drive a stake through my own heart so my ghost can fight you.
Flauros: Oooh, cat fight! [quieter] Please...
Camille: Butt out, Chester Cheeto. It’s not your turn yet.
Riley: I, the incredibly smart and daring R’lyeh, am going to search the cavern for clues.
SOUND: Riley rolls.
Riley: 15. Nice.
Evelyn: You see a pathway.
Riley: [as R'lyeh] Hark, companions! I see a pathway that doth remaineth unblocked...eth.
Flauros: Brian follow-eth them.
Evelyn: Illana? Todd?
Camille: I’m good over here, I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing.
Todd: They charged me! I want a refund!
Evelyn: I’ll deal with that later. Anyway, Brian and R’lyeh-
Flauros: Yeah! Dream team!!
Evelyn: You take the pathway and follow it down many twists and turns, going deeper and deeper into this strange place.
Riley: I cast daylight.
Evelyn: With the bright light now aiding you, you see where the tunnel ends. There’s a huge stone door, which you find is locked. Around the doorframe a strange writing is engraved, which glows to the touch.
Riley: What does it say?
Evelyn: What languages do you speak?
Riley: Common and celestial.
Evelyn: It’s not in those.
Riley: Are you kidding me?
Evelyn: Sorry, but this is a nightmare realm. The engraving is in the language of demons.
Riley: That’s not fair!
Evelyn: I didn’t want it to be too easy, then it wouldn’t be fun!
Flauros: I speak Abyssal.
Evelyn: I thought you said Brian was human.
Flauros: He is, but this is written abyssal rather than spoken, meaning it uses the infernal script. Brian Wilson once fought an Archdevil at a crossroads early on in his ranger career. He won, but showed mercy, and was gifted some infernal tomes by his adversary in thanks. Brian knows infernal well enough that he can see the loan words in abyssal, enough that he can infer the meaning of the text around the doorframe.
Riley: Holy shit.
Flauros: I’ve been beefing up my character sheet between turns. Flauros is learning! Ha-haa!
Evelyn: I’m genuinely impressed. Okay, Brian, you read the inscription and it says “To open this door and escape the dungeon, answer the following riddle: What gets wetter the more it dries?”
Riley: Evelyn, that’s way too easy. By your own logic-
Evelyn: No, Riley, it’s not. Look.
Flauros: Uhh….Don’t tell me….DON’T TELL ME….
Riley: I have a feeling this is gonna take a minute. Or several.
Camille: I’m going for a snack run. Anyone want anything?
[WEIRD AD TIME]
John Knifeman: Have monsters ruined your life? Do the undead denizens of Hell torment your every waking moment? Does every problem in your life come as the result of demonic intervention? Hi, I’m John Knifeman, uncertified freelance monster slayer. I’ll kill monsters DEAD for YOU! Attacked by goblins? I’ll track them down and rip out their spines – at no extra charge! Had a loved one savaged by a werewolf? I’ll find that ungodly howling abomination and shove a silver bullet where the moon don’t shine. I do the dirty work – why? YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP; I’M DOING THIS TO AVENGE MY WIIIIFE!
SOUND: Door opening.
Wife Knifeman: John, what are you doing in here with the lights off?
[Awkward Pause]
John Knifeman: I’m…recording my ad.
Wife Knifeman: Did you say you’re doing this for your wife? What do you mean? I…I’m not dead, I’m right here!
[Awkward Pause]
SOUND: Door closing.
John Knifeman: Uh…I’m doing this for my WIFE, you wouldn’t UNDERSTAND. Need help with a demonic possession? I’ll waterboard you with Holy Water! Sure, they may have revoked my PE teacher’s licence, but I can still take you down to the haunted woods and teach you a thing or two! Learn how to string a crossbow, how to set traps for hordes of flesh-eating monstrosities, I’ll even teach you the best way to skin a fleshgait that knows how to disguise itself as a lawyer. For more info, call 1-800-936-PEPIS now and I’ll-
SOUND: Door opening
Wife Knifeman: John, put your pants on, the attorney’s here.
[Awkward Pause]
Wife Knifeman: It’s time to sign the papers.
John Knifeman: YOU SEE? MONSTERS RUINED MY MARRIAGE, NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE!
Wife Knifeman: Please stop, John.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Riley: I can’t believe Flauros has been thinking this over for like an hour.
Evelyn: See? It wasn’t too easy for him.
Riley: Neither is watching this. I’m gonna tell him.
Evelyn: No, wait, I think he’s having a breakthrough!
SOUND: Flauros struggling, concentrating really, really hard. Snaps fingers.
Flauros: I got it! IT’S YO MAMA!
SOUND: Riley slaps themselves on the forehead.
Evelyn: You know what? Close enough. The door opens.
Flauros: FLAUROS IS A GENIUS! THE EPSTEIN OF OUR TIMES!
Riley: Einstein. [as R’lyeh] Forsooth, Brian Wilson, you hath been of great assistance.
Flauros: What?
Riley: So we go back to get Illana and Todd and tell them about the door.
Evelyn: Nice. Camille isn’t back yet, but...Todd, what have you been doing while Brian and R’lyeh-
[Beat]
Evelyn: Todd?
Riley: Has he just been sitting there in complete silence this whole time without us noticing?
SOUND: Computer startup noise.
Todd: Sorry, guys, I was getting really bored so I decided to re-focus my whole brain on the business Toddference. Is the game over yet?
Evelyn: No, Todd. But you guys did just open a door!
Todd: Nice! I love some teamwork.
Riley: You weren’t here.
Todd: Yep...teamwork. Anyway, uh, my character hasn’t been doing anything either. He was...I dunno, he was meditating.
SOUND: Poof of smoke, Camille reappears in the basement. She drops an armful of blood bags on the table.
Camille: I’m back, nerds. I was gonna go to the 7-11, but I went to the blood bank instead. Blood bags for the win!
SOUND: Camille falls back onto the bed and slurps one of the blood bags obnoxiously loud.
Camille: I didn’t bring any of you anything.
Evelyn: You’re just in time. Brian just opened the door.
Riley: The door which I FOUND.
Evelyn: Brian and R’lyeh found the door and opened it.
Camille: Good for them, I guess. I’m wedging my bastard sword under the boulder to try and push it out of the way. I figure any other exit is either gonna be a trap or just lead deeper into the pit.
Evelyn: Oooh! I like that! Roll for strength.
SOUND: Dice.
Camille: One!? Are you shitting me!?
Evelyn: Your sword breaks. Tough luck.
Camille: I reach into my bag of holding for another one, then I try the same thing.
Riley: Your turn is up.
Camille: YOUR turn is up! [to Todd] Hey, geek wizard, blow up this boulder for me.
Todd: What’s in it for me?
Camille: I don’t stab you.
Todd: That’s not a compelling argument.
Riley: We opened a door, you guys! Come on! I mean…. Make haste!
Todd: How big was the door?
Evelyn: It’s like...three foot wide, maybe.
Todd: Not big enough to drive a fiesta through. Damn it. Alright, guess I’m blowing up this boulder. I cast shatter.
SOUND: Dice.
Todd: Is 20 good? I haven’t been paying attention.
Evelyn: Todd, you clap your hands and a loud, piercing sound rings out from them, causing the whole cavern to shake. The boulder vibrates, and then BOOM! It’s blown up into a thousand pieces.
Riley: Great, let’s just change the show’s name to ‘The Ignore Riley Power Hour’.
Evelyn: Wait a second….what’s that sound? Adventurers...from the pathway that you once thought was the exit, you hear footsteps! Could this be someone coming for help?
Flauros: Mayhaps ‘tis the busty wench!
SOUND: Evelyn puts on scary ambient music.
Riley: I don’t think it’s the busty wench.
Evelyn: [evil villain voice] For a thousand years I have slumbered, waiting for some foolish mortals to fall into my trap and free me! Now, there will be no stopping me from rising to the surface and destroying everything in my path!
Flauros: That definitely isn’t the busty wench. [pause] Unless...
Evelyn: No, Brian, it is not. You see before you a giant humanoid figure, with bright red skin, a long, forked tail, and huge leathery wings. This is Gargamel-
Camille: ...The bad guy from the Smurfs?
Evelyn: It’s a game and I had like two days to write this, leave me alone. Gargamel is a powerful Cambion, who was imprisoned here by the townsfolk that once resided in this area.
Riley: Halt, demon! I will bring an end to thy unholy menace!
Flauros: Hey!
Riley: Sorry, Flauros, it’s in-character.
Evelyn: Roll initiative.
SOUND: All roll their dice.
Evelyn: Okay, Camille first.
Camille: I charge at the bastard with my bastard sword.
SOUND: Camille rolls.
Camille: ONE AGAIN?!
Evelyn: It breaks upon contact with his armor, which is forged from volcanic obsidian steel.
Camille: Is that even a thing??
Evelyn: [sing-song] Play along!
SOUND: Camille screams in frustration.
Evelyn: Gargamel says “Is that the best you got?” and swats you away with his tail. You hit the side of the cave. You take 10 points of damage.
Camille: Bullshit!
Evelyn: [insistent] Play along, Camille!
Riley: Okay, guess it’s time for The Paladin to save the day yet again. I cast blinding smite on my greatsword.
SOUND: Dice rolling.
Riley: 15.
Evelyn: You land a hit on Gargamel’s arm as he tries to block himself. The greatsword glows with a holy light that burns through your opponent’s armor! He screams in pain.
Riley: Forsooth! That is how it’s done-eth!
Evelyn: Brian, you’re up!
Flauros: Okay, it’s Brian Wilson’s time to shine, baby! I cast ensnaring strike-
Evelyn: Ooh, good choice.
Flauros: Then I climb up the highest rock I can find, and I aim my bow and arrow at Gargamel, and I’m like ‘eat this, ugly!’ And I shoot him.
SOUND: Dice.
Flauros: 18! Fuck yeah!
Evelyn: You shoot your arrow at Gargamel’s wing, and at first he’s like ‘hahaha, you missed my head!’ but then all these vines come out of the arrow and tangle him up, trapping him in place.
Riley: Alright, now that we’ve taken care of him- let’s try the other door, hm?
Camille: No, fuck that! That door probably has an even worse guy behind it!
Riley: You know what? Fuck you guys, I’m going ahead.
Flauros: I’m gonna go with R’lyeh, and I’m gonna carry the injured Illana Poisonleaf.
Camille: I’d literally rather die.
Todd: Well, I guess I’m coming too.
Evelyn: Alright, adventurers, you make your way to the open door down the other path. R’lyeh, would you like to cast daylight again to light the way?
Riley: No. I’m punishing Illana for being stupid and not doing this first.
Camille: Drow have night vision.
Riley: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
Camille: Why don’t you come over here and MAKE ME, you fucking gremlin!
Evelyn: And because you guys took so long to make a decision and get to the door, the ground rumbles beneath you and suddenly the doorway explodes. The force is so much that the cavern starts crumbling around you. Everyone roll a reflex save!
SOUND: Multiple sounds of dice.
Riley: 14.
Flauros: 17.
Camille: 15, about FUCKING time!
Todd: 19. Go Todd Dice!
Evelyn: Riley and Camille, you both take penalties on your rolls.
Riley: What? WHY?!
Camille: Yeah, what the hell?!
Evelyn: [patiently] R’lyeh, you were the closest to the entrance because you didn’t want to wait on anyone. And you, Illana Poisonleaf, suffered heavy damage during the last encounter. This puts BOTH OF YOU at a disadvantage.
Flauros: You sure you still don’t want me to carry you, Illana?
Camille: ...does the DM allow it?
Evelyn: I will allow it.
Riley: What about me?
Evelyn: Sorry, but you’re still in trouble.
Riley: That’s such bullshit!
Todd: Impulsive decisions don’t always yield positive results. The ToddDog Mark #1 was living proof of that...well, partially-living and in constant agony.
Riley: Shut up about fucking ToddDogs for five minutes!
Evelyn: [loudly] Through the noise of the rocks tumbling around you, you hear a blood-curdling roar. The mounds of rocks begin to part and out from the depths appears an Imperial Underworld Dragon! Its skin is the color of volcanic ash, magma drips from his teeth and eyes, and his stone claws rip through everything within reach. He opens his mouth wider, the lava dripping and melting everything around him, and screams in a loud voice, “WHO IS MAKING ALL THAT NOOOOOOOISE?!”
Riley: Um, Evelyn? I can maybe sense that you’re kinda sort of maybe pissed off...but an Imperial Underworld Dragon? Are you for real?! That’s pure sadism!
Evelyn: [ignores, still as dragon] “YOU MORTALS TRESPASS IN MY LAIR AND QUARREL AMONG YOURSELVES, LIKE THIS IS YOUR HOUSE! WELL GUESS WHAT? IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE! IT’S MY HOUSE! AND I DON’T CARE THAT I JUST DESTROYED IT, BECAUSE THAT’S IRRELEVANT! I’M LOOKING AT YOU, PALADIN! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST COME IN HERE AND WAKE ME UP AND NOT SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES?! WHY WON’T YOU LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!?” [takes a huge breath] “I GUESS IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY, BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA LEARN TODAY!”
Flauros: Um, guys...are we fucked? Flauros feels like we might be fucked.
Camille: Yeah, we’re pretty fucked.
Todd: Maybe you guys are, but no-one fucks Todd. I’m over here, safe and sound. Coming up with a new entrepreneurial scheme. Ready to strike up a business partnership with this dragon after he kills you all.
Evelyn: The dragon is a hardcore socialist, actually!
Todd: Oh, the horror! Kill it! Kill it!!
Camille: I roll to attack first!
Evelyn: You have to roll for initiative first!
Camille: Goddamn your bureaucracy!
Evelyn: It’s in the rule book!
Camille: Don’t care!
SOUND: Dice rolls. Camille screams.
Evelyn: Ooh, one. That’s bad luck.
Camille: You think!?
Evelyn: Your sword breaks.
Camille: Whatever, I still have two left!
Evelyn: You wanna roll again, Camille?
Riley: This is bullshit, it’s my turn!
Todd: How long until I roll again? I might power down if this is going to drag on.
Flauros: Heh, ‘drag on’...like the dragon...from the game...I’m Flauros.
Riley: Yes, we are all aware of this.
SOUND: Dice rolls.
Riley: Because I, the noble paladin R’lyeh, am concerned with the health of the members of this party, I am going to do the good and righteous thing and heal Ilana Poisonleaf by casting Lay on Hands.
Camille: I don’t need your charity, you fucking nerd!
Evelyn: The dragon slaps Ilana and you take…
SOUND: Dice rolls.
Evelyn: 10 additional points of damage.
Camille: Are you fucking kidding me!?
Evelyn: No. Let R’lyeh heal you, please.
SOUND: Camille picks up a blood bag and throws it at the wall. It explodes with a wet splat.
Camille: You made me waste one of my blood bags. I hope you’re happy.
Riley: Well, I guess that’s the Wall Goblin’s blood now.
SOUND: Camille groans.
Camille: Alright, R’lyeh, lay your healing hands on me or whatever.
Riley: Very well.
SOUND: Riley makes mystical noises.
Evelyn: Congratulations, Ilana, you’re healed!
Camille: [unenthusiastic] Yay.
Todd: I think all of you are being too pessimistic. Think of all the employable skills this dragon may have; he could breathe fire and burn trade union representatives!
SOUND: Everyone groans.
Evelyn: Why are you always so relentlessly...Todd?
Todd: Someone has to be!
Riley: I beg to differ.
Todd: I approach the dragon and ask him if he’d be interested in an unpaid internship!
Evelyn: I literally said he was a hardcore socialist!
Todd: He’ll grow out of it!
Evelyn: The dragon stomps on you and you take 15 points of damage.
Todd: That’s not fair!
Evelyn: Life isn’t fair!
Todd: Shit...Can I...uh, get some of those healing hands? Camille: You can catch these hands! Riley: Todd, you once tried to have a Gargoyle break my legs, so as if I’m gonna waste my hit points healing your sorry ass.
Todd: But Riley-
Evelyn: It’s Flauros’ turn.
Flauros: Flauros! That’s me, it is...who I am.
Evelyn: Todd’s incapacitated, R’lyeh’s healing Ilana, so what do you do?
[Pause. Flauros thinks.]
Flauros: How close am I to the dragon?
Evelyn: Uhh...you’re not too close, but you’re closer than Ilana and R’lyeh.
Flauros: Brian Wilson the ranger is gonna use his bow and arrow to shoot this motherfucker right in the eye.
Evelyn: That’s a risky move, Brian, you sure?
Flauros: Brian- I mean, Flauros knows what must be done.
SOUND: Flauros sniffles.
Flauros: The fate of the party…and the world, depends on me.
Evelyn: Now that’s the spirit, Flauros!
Flauros: I thought you were the spirit!
Evelyn: Whatever, just roll. Please.
SOUND: Dice rolling.
Flauros: 15!
Evelyn: Alright! Let’s see what the dragon does…
SOUND: Dice rolling.
Evelyn: Oh. Oh no. Flauros, this brings me no joy, but I have to maintain the integrity of the game...The dragon rolled an 18.
Flauros: No! No, no, no!
Evelyn: You...you still have a chance to roll a reflex save. It has to beat a 17.
Flauros: Okay, okay.... Uh…
SOUND: Dice rolling.
Flauros: Six! The best number! Wait, no.
Evelyn: Unfortunately, you manage to hit the dragon, but one arrow in the eye isn’t enough to stop him. He stomps over to where all of you are and prepares to unleash a wave of magma.
Camille: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
Riley: I just healed her, Evelyn, come on!
Todd: And I’m already dying! ...or is it bloodied? Doesn’t matter, ‘dying’ sounds more dramatic.
Evelyn: Sorry guys, just doin’ my job.
Flauros: Wait, Brian Wilson has a free action! [beat] Right? I have a free action?
Evelyn: You do. What is Brian Wilson going to do?
Flauros: Brian Wilson is going to [sighs] save his friends. ...WITH THIS! WHATEVER THIS IS! [hums] Uh… I have druidic warrior as a feat and so I have two cantrips and the one I use is Gust of Wind.
Evelyn: Ooooo. Very risky!
Flauros: It is a risk Flauros is willing to take!
Evelyn: Okay, so Ilana and R’lyeh, you are blown away from Brian, leaving him alone to contend with the dragon. Oh, and you too, Todd.
Todd: Go Todd!
Evelyn: Unfortunately, you can’t get yourself away from the magma in time. The attack is imminent.
Flauros: This may be the end of Brian Wilson, the human ranger!
Evelyn: The magma sweeps you away and you burn up, just like in Terminator 2.
Flauros: My last act is shooting the homies a thumbs up, because, like, it’s all gonna be okay. But not for me. But not for me.
SOUND: Flauros makes dying noises. It goes on for a weird amount of time.
Riley: Yeesh. This dude is committed.
Camille: Right? It’s a little cringey but also like, heartfelt?
SOUND: Flauros continues to dramatically die.
Flauros: The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long! While I may die in the flames of liquid hot magma, my friends will carry my fire!
Riley: Okay...Starting to feel kind of bad for being a dick to him now…
Flauros: Father, father, is that you? I can see the light! I can’t feel my legs!
Camille: He’s making it feel...so...real…
Flauros: This life, which had been the tomb of my virtue and of my honour, is but a walking shadow; a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Goodbye, friends, this is the swan song of Brian Wilson. May his memory live on forever…
Evelyn: Flauros...That was so beautiful...and understated…
SOUND: Snoring.
Evelyn: Did he...did he actually just go to sleep?
Camille: [clearly emotional] Does anyone have tissues? I think I saw someone who’s not me crying somewhere...
SOUND: Riley sniffles.
Riley: Brian! By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged!
Camille: I thought you worshipped Heironeous?
Riley: LET ME HAVE THIS, CAMILLE! SHOW SOME RESPECT, BRIAN WILSON JUST DIED!
Camille: Fine. [loudly] VENGEANCE! RETRIBUTION FOR BRIAN!
Todd: I guess it’s time to start looking for another ranger to join the group. What’s the D&D version of linkedin?
Riley: You’re impossible! Brian Wilson was the glue that held this sorry excuse for a party together! We would never have gotten this far without him!
Camille: I mean, even I have to admit that seems pretty fucked up, just replacing Brian seconds after his death. Can’t you show a little respect for his memory?
Todd: I’m just thinking about the bigger picture, here! We have an opening in our party, and we need 4 of us to beat this dragon.
Camille: I vote we sacrifice Todd next.
Riley: [as R’lyeh] Appealing though that may be, Ilana, we hath no chance against this scaly beast without our party wizard.
Camille: [as Ilana, mockingly] The party wizard is dying already because thou didst not want to heal him, remember?
Riley: Oh, goddammit.
Todd: Yeah, save me!
Camille: [groans] Just...heal him already. I’ll distract this damn thing. And if he doesn’t cooperate, he’s getting eaten...BY ME!
Todd: Jeez, you’re all so aggressive towards me...
Evelyn: You deserve it, Todd.
Todd: We’ll agree to disagree.
Evelyn: So, Camille? You’re proposing to distract the dragon?
Camille: I’m going to distract the dragon.
Evelyn: Great. What do you do?
Camille: I’m going to run, brandishing my sword, as I scream the song of my people. Which the dragon will understand because I’m going to do it in DRACONIC!
Evelyn: Oh? And what is this song?
Camille: I’m calling the dragon’s mother a whore and telling him his father smells of elderberries.
Evelyn: The dragon does not appreciate this outrage. [clears throat; dragon voice] I DO NOT APPRECIATE THIS OUTRAGE!
Camille: I DON’T CARE!
Evelyn: Okay, so because you are running away, it leaves you open for an attack of opportunity. You’ll have to roll a reflex save and beat a fifteen.
SOUND: Dice rolls.
Camille: FUCK YEAH, AN 18!
Evelyn: Yes! Okay, so Ilana successfully dodged the tail swipe that was aimed for her back as she was running away to distract the dragon.
Riley: And because his back is to me, that gives me an attack of opportunity as well!
Evelyn: That would be correct, Riley. What do you do?
Riley: I heroically leap into the air, my Great Sword high over my head, and bring the sword down mightily.
Evelyn: Roll for strength.
SOUND: Dice rolls.
Riley: 14.
Evelyn: [winces] Ooo, no dice. You had to beat an AC of 18 to hit. The dragon hardens its scales and the sword breaks upon impact.
Riley: Oh, you’ve got to be shitting me! This game is rigged, Hooper!
Camille: Dammit, Riley, you had ONE JOB!
Evelyn: The dragon is still angry over the outrageous words thrown at it in its mother tongue by Ilana and doesn’t even register that he was being attacked. He rears his claws out to strike at Ilana!
Todd: Uh...Uh...I...I uh...I cast...I cast protective shield...of PROTECTION!
Evelyn: Oh? Finally doing something, Todd? What are you doing?
Todd: [panting, non-buzzwords are tiring for him] Protection Shield! I cast Shield Protect on Ilana Poisonleaf!
Riley: Whoa, did Todd just have a non-monetizable thought?
Camille: About damn time.
Evelyn: [getting excited] Roll for success!
SOUND: Dice rolls.
Todd: 18!
Evelyn: [hands clap] Okay! Todd successfully casts the protective spell around Ilana Poisonleaf seconds before the dragon’s claws make impact. They bounce off the shield, throwing the dragon off his balance momentarily. He is staggered! Illana, you have an attack of opportunity while the dragon is staggered. What do you do?
Camille: I use my last sword and swing it with all of my might at the dragon.
Evelyn: Roll for strength.
SOUND: Dice rolling.
Camille: 17! Yes! YES!
Evelyn: Yes! Okay, so because he’s staggered, he takes a negative penalty which means that roll hits. The sword goes flying and impales the dragon’s right claw, causing him to stumble backwards in pain and fall to the ground, PRONE! [beat] Alright, Riley. You have one chance to perform a Coup de Gras. What are you going to do?
Riley: [frustrated] I don’t have a weapon, Evelyn?!
Evelyn: Or DO you?
Riley: I don’t.
Evelyn: Look around you! You might have one in a place you never expected!
Riley: R’lyeh expects everything. They’re a genius!
Evelyn: C’mon, Riles, just roll perception.
Riley: Fine.
SOUND: Riley rolls.
Riley: 15.
Evelyn: You notice that there’s a strange weight in your hair. You somehow missed that, in the excitement of the fight.
Riley: Unlikely.
Evelyn: Come on, play along.
Riley: I reach into my perfectly voluminous and not-at-all-crunchy hair.
Evelyn: Your hands brush against something rubbery and oddly phallic.
Riley: EVELYN. YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME.
Evelyn: You can’t believe your eyes! It’s….it’s….Ilana Poisonleaf’s dildo, from her bag of holding!
Riley: COME THE FUCK ON.
SOUND: Flauros awakens.
Flauros: Flauros Awakens. Again. What’d I miss?
Camille: R’lyeh is about to attack the dragon with a dildo Illana threw at them earlier.
Flauros: Ha-ha. Nice.
Evelyn: ironically, it’s one of those dragon dildos.
Camille: I never said that.
Evelyn: I’m the DM, I outrank you. Also, creative freedom. It’s big and purple and it might just make the perfect projectile weapon if wielded by a mighty enough paladin.
Riley: No. No, no no no. That’s not in keeping with the setting or the tone of the game. It’s not canon. I refuse.
Evelyn: Are you sure?
Riley: Yes.
Flauros: R’lyeh….do it for me, Brian Wilson.
Riley: [resigned] Alright, alright. For Brian. [sigh] I...I guess I roll to….fucking....slap the dragon with the dildo.
SOUND: Riley rolls, with little enthusiasm.
Riley: Oh, shit.
Evelyn: What’d you roll?
Riley: Nat 20.
Evelyn: Nice. Let’s see what the dragon gets.
SOUND: Evelyn rolls.
Evelyn: 1! Critical failure! You, with all your strength, swing the dildo at the dragon’s face. The rubber makes contact with a force great enough to knock the dragon’s head completely off its body! Magma blood leaks out of its neck. The dildo sticks into the wall with its mighty suction cup base, a monument to your final victory! The path opens up and you’re all free to go, having successfully escaped the illusion.
Camille: Nice work, Riley.
Flauros: You did Brian Wilson proud. If I could still feel anything, it would be...proud.
SOUND: Riley snorts.
Evelyn: Is that a smile?
Riley: Only because I’m impressed with my skills.
[Beat]
Riley: And because the mental image of a dragon’s head being cut off by a dildo is pretty funny.
Evelyn: See, D&D can be fun! Because it’s a game.
Riley: Well, maybe.
Evelyn: I’m willing to take that as a win.
SOUND: Camille slurps another blood bag.
Camille: So, are we done here?
Todd: Yeah, I don’t think being here has raised my social capital.
Riley: Fine by me, I was starting to get sick of all of you, anyway. Good game, though.
Todd: Alrighty, it’s been real. Well, not exactly real, but...Whatever. I’m outie-five thousand.
Flauros: Flauros thought his name was Todd!
SOUND: Todd claps his hands and disappears.
Camille: Yeah I’m probably about to head out too. It hasn’t exactly been high-stakes poker with the Yakuza, but I’ve gotta admit, there are worse ways to kill an evening.
Riley: As much as it pains me to say it, you’re not wrong.
Camille: Oh, and one more thing: Clean your damn basement.
SOUND: Camille turns into a bat and flies out the window.
Evelyn: Flauros, you...uh, gonna leave too? Flauros: Who’s Flauros? Where am I?
Riley: Flauros, you are undeniably a large fool...But you saved the evening.
Flauros: Thanks, Brian, imma leave now.
SOUND: Fiery hell portal opens. Latin chanting, flames, all that jazz.
Flauros: Later mortals, can we do this again sometime?
Riley: [Sigh] Yes, Flauros, we’ll bring you in for the next session.
Flauros: Who’s the blazing guy with a thriving social life? It’s me! Flauros!
SOUND: BOOM! He’s gone.
Evelyn: Wow, what an amazing episode. I’d say this is a pretty great penultimate adventure of season one.
Riley: Yeah, I agree. Ran a little long, though.
Evelyn: Yeah, thank goodness we don’t have to edit. Putting something like this together piece by piece would be a total nightmare. I feel so bad for most Actual Play podcasters right now.
Riley: I guess we’re just really lucky neither of us have to do that.
SOUND: Riley clicks off the recording. We transition down to Hell.
Gore: And the barkeep says, “You don’t have enough gold to pay your tab, stranger. Will I need to call ye olde bouncer to throw your freeloading asses out onto the cobblestones?”
Baal: Ooh, I wouldn’t be so hasty there, my friend. I’m sure there’s some way we could...work something out? I’ve seen the way you look at me - undressing me with your eyes.
Gore: He’s been hurt before, it’ll take some real charm for him to open up and consider love again. Roll persuasion with disadvantage.
SOUND: Dice roll twice.
Baal: Shite, nat six? That’s not even worth a hand shandy.
Gore: Yeah, that ain’t gonna cut it. How ‘bout you, big red?
Satan: [Indistinct grumbling]
Gore: Uh, under-earth to Satan? You with us right now?
Satan: Huh, what? Oh um, cast fireball.
Gore: Okay, sure. It’s your bonfire, I guess. Lemme just do a dexterity saving throw for the barkeep and...
SOUND: Dice rolls.
Gore: Yeah he’s done for. Your fireball ignites the surrounding patrons, tables, and alcohol on the wall, erupting into a cacophony of fire and death. In mere moments, everyone once drawing breath is reduced to nothing more than charred husks and broken families, leaving only you and Baal standing in the ruined bar.
Baal: What the fuck, man, I was at half mast, it was gonna happen, now what am I supposed to do?
Satan: Oh yeah, and let me guess, it’s all my fault? Just like everything else!
Gore: This attitude really isn’t conducive to ideal play.
Baal: If you’re about to tell us about how two podcasters turned The Underworld into a wee, prissy theme park full of rainbows and piss kittens, you can save it, okay? This is game night! We only do it once a millennium, and I don’t need you bringing these rancid vibes to the table!
Satan: You weren’t there! I trusted them, and they betrayed me!
Gore: You’re betraying our game night rules, Satan: No bummers, no work talk, and no vengeful horny succubi.
Baal: What abo-
Gore: Or incubi.
Baal: Killjoy.
Satan: Can’t kill what was never there.
Baal: Look, Satan, you need to sort yourself out. This is getting sad. You’re one of the lords of darkness, man, act like it!
Satan: [sighs] I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be all doom and gloom, but it’s just...it’s just not the same! Ever since those wretched podcasters ruined everything, I haven’t had a moment’s peace. The smell of cotton candy is sickening, all that horrible joyous laughter, and don’t even get me started on that awful racket coming from the giant chicken rides!
Gore: I don’t wanna encourage anything overtly violent, but you could afford to be a little more proactive about the situation. Just sayin’.
Satan: What do you propose?
Baal: These two surface-dwellers made a fool of you. You want to get your groove back? You’ve got to crush them.
Satan: Hmmm...That does hold a certain appeal.
Gore: They say that he who goes in search of revenge best dig two graves.
Baal: Well that’s perfect! There’s two of them, isn’t there? One grave each!
Satan: Still, seems a little direct, doesn’t it? Usually the bloke upstairs does all the smiting. I don’t want them dead, I want them to suffer, and see the error of their ways.
Baal: Do that, then! I can’t tell you how to get revenge, that’d be like shaking it for you after you take a pish.
Gore: I think what Baal is saying is...You’ve gotta do what’s right for you. You need some catharsis, man, go get it - or you’re gonna keep ruining our D&D games with all this sad shit.
Baal: It’s true. I was totally in with that barkeep, and you fucked it, mate. Get your shit together.
Satan: You two have a point. I think what I need is a good old fashioned plot, a bit of productive scheming if you will. Yes...I think I’ve got just the thing...
Gore: Amen to that.
Baal: We don’t say that word here.
Satan: Thank you, chaps, this has been a tremendous help, but say, weird question - do either of you know any good magicians?
[END]