Kevin’s Top Sevens Presents: The Lost LIM Episode

The world’s most popular horror countdown YouTuber, Kevin’s Top Sevens, breaks down the terrifying Lost Episode of Less Is Morgue.

+Transcript

SOUND: Static. Creepy YouTuber stock music begins to play. We’ve joined him half way through a video.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: ...And that is why you should never listen to Congeria, or Glenn Rhodes may manifest physically in YOUR bathroom. Now, Number One on our list of Scariest Podcast Lost Episodes: The Lost Episode of Less Is Morgue.

SOUND: Spooky transition noise.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Less Is Morgue is an alleged “comedy” about the lives and deaths of unrepentant serial murderer Riley Almanzor, and their enabling spectral accomplice, Evelyn Hooper. They broadcast their remorseless killings through audio like some kind of radio demon, and are even believed to be behind the murder of local Tallahasse fast food legend, Jon “The GOAT” Wheeler. The audio of his death is too disturbing to share with you here, that’s why we’re warning you before we play it.

SOUND: Audio of Jon’s death from episode one plays.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Chilling. Truly, truly chilling. What kind of evil, demented individual would showcase this kind of behaviour on a podcast for money? Anyway, be sure to smash that like button and join my patreon, my adcents have been cut in half because of all the murder footage I play on this show. Back to Less Is Morgue: It’s hard to believe that anything could be more horrible than the podcast itself, but this Lost Episode takes the cake, fills it with poison, and then feeds it to starving orphans. The audio file for The Lost Episode was originally discovered by self-proclaimed “Australian” Less Is Morgue Superfan Jarrod McKnight, after following a link to the dark web on the r/RileyVoreFanart subreddit.

SOUND: Clichéd typing noises.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Downloading the audio file onto your computer can cause highly illegal pornography to mysteriously manifest on the harddrive I keep under my floorboards. Some users have even reported that the file has changed the startup noise on their computers to a 10-hour remix of Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5 and Megalovania. Thankfully, I was still able to procure a copy through my Japanese Lost Media Dealer, Saki Sanobashi. Shout out to my boy Saki for all the support in putting this video together. Anyway, without further ado, here is my breakdown of the Less is Morgue lost episode.

SOUND: Scary musical sting.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: The episode begins like any other episode of Less is Morgue, with the hosts’ usual ‘banter’ masking their attitudes towards their own senseless acts of violence.

Riley: Marinara sauce can melt steel beams, Ev! They’ve done tests in the lab!

Evelyn: Which lab, Riley? Which one?

Riley: The science one! You know, the Big Science lab….Kern!

Evelyn: Okay, fine, let’s just move on and-

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Evelyn then leads into the intro, which I can’t play here for copyright reasons. I really don’t wanna get claimed again. As you can obviously hear, in this intro Riley and Evelyn’s eyes are extremely red and bloodshot. However, this is not addressed by the hosts themselves. When the intro finishes, Evelyn then inexplicably begins speaking in foreign.

Evelyn: Hey everybody, if you’re listening to this [in Russian] you can understand me right now. Good for you for being bilingual!

Riley: Satan. Demons. Six, six, six. Pentagrams. The Devil. I’m Riley, your Best Ghoulfriend. [Beat] NOT!

Kevin’s Top Sevens: As you can hear, they appear to be making vague and subtle allusions to the occult and demonology. Evelyn’s response is equally uncharacteristic.

Evelyn: [Enraged] Oh, for [BEEP] sake, Riley, you [BEEP]. You’re such a [BEEP]ing [BEEP]! Why do you always gotta [BEEP] up the intro? I wish you were [BEEP]ing dead, you [LONGEST BEEP]!

Kevin’s Top Sevens: The audio becomes incredibly distorted here, and we can only assume that there was more disgusting, non-advertiser friendly language used.

SOUND: Incredibly garbled audio that lasts for an awkwardly long time.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: The length of this static continues for a varying amount of time depending on the person listening. Some listeners have reported it only lasts twenty minutes, others claim it hasn’t stopped all year.

SOUND: More static.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: For me, it lasted about 6 minutes and 66 seconds. I don’t know about you, but I find that extremely distressing. When the audio returns to normal, Riley begins reading a chapter from their novel, The Sword of R’lyeh, but the content of the reading and the reactions of others in attendance are highly disturbing.

Riley: “And then R’lyeh stabbed Squidward with their mighty sword, causing him to bleed hyperrealistic blood, cry hyperrealistic tears, and shit hyperrealistic turds.”

Evelyn: Booo! Booo!

Riley: Stop making ghost noises while I’m reading my masterpiece.

Evelyn: No, I’m booing because you’re a [BEEP] terrible writer.

Riley: I am not!

Evelyn: You [BEEP] are!

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Another notable difference is the inclusion of Jon’s ghost, who has an actual presence within this episode. This is highly unusual, and should be seen as a cause for concern.

SOUND: Evelyn opens the bathroom door.

Evelyn: Jon, come in here and help me tell Riley how much they suck.

Jon: Gladly. I’ve been waiting to do this for over a year!

SOUND: Jon and Evelyn Booing forcefully.

Riley: Shut up or I’ll kill both of you again!

SOUND: Evelyn and Jon boo more, louder.

Riley: [reading the sword of r’lyeh over the booing] “And then R’lyeh turns to the reader and says, ‘In 2025, Keith Manjaw will commit a series of war crimes in the Yukon after the fourth Raptors from Pluto movie was panned by Variety.’”

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Chillingly, Riley is referencing a crime that hasn’t even happened yet.

Jon: You’ll never achieve anything, Riley, you piece of [BEEP]!

Kevin’s Top Sevens: As you can hear from this clip, there is a clear malice to the booing that isn’t characteristic of the show. In my opinion, this is chilling. But perhaps the most chilling thing is what happens next. Riley, who obviously never cries because they are a cold-blooded sociopath, starts to cry.

Riley: [sobbing] You guys don’t care about my dream!

Jon: We never did! We actually hate you!

Evelyn: Yeah, suck my [BEEP] you crusty [BEEP]!

Kevin’s Top Sevens: What happens next is unprecedented. Even though it should not be physically possible, Evelyn lets out a hyperrealistic fart.

SOUND: Fart sound effect.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: But this is far from the most disturbing thing about this moment. When the fart audio is played in reverse and analysed by state-of-the-fart spectrographs, it is identical to the fart Ted Bundy released as he was put to death by electrocution in 1989.

SOUND: Fart sound effect, but digitally slowed down.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: The rest of the episode is just 14 solid minutes of Riley, Evelyn and Jon screaming. Analysis of these screams shows that they are, in fact, screams.

SOUND: Riley, Jon and Evelyn just absolutely Hollering for about 30 seconds.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: I reached out to Riley for comment on the bizarre content featured in the lost episode, and when asked, they had only this to say:

Riley: [through phone] How did you get my number? Stop calling me. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Wait, who put you up to this? Was it John Podesta? The FBI? Was it my mom!?

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Clearly, they were so affected by the lost episode that even the mention of it has warped their already disturbed mind beyond all reason. Now that we’ve broken it down, let’s get into the theories for why this lost episode exists.

SOUND: Creepy musical sting.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Much discussion exists about this episode on the deep web. The leading theory is that the episode was tampered with by a rogue intern chained to a radiator in Riley’s basement. The Truth Is Out There forum mod SheTookTheKids123 has analysed and interpreted this episode as a prophecy foretelling the end of the world, which has been theorised since the ancient message boards of 1992 to involve Keith Manjaw committing atrocities in the holy city of Whitehorse, Canada.

SOUND: Oh Canada briefly plays.

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Other theories connect this lost episode to the infamous deep web terrorist cabal known as ‘the Praeps Collective’. The episode could be a deep web deep fake, produced in one of their rood rooms by suspected Russian sleeper agent Uri Sacharow. That’s one theory, but I think the subtle allusions to devil worship, as well as the presence of the ghost fart suggest something much more darker and possibly supernatural in origin. I believe this episode is haunted by the spirit of the infamous Right Hand Reaper, Spaceman Scott Thomas. I believe that the more people listen to this episode, even through snippets, the more power Scott gains in the afterlife, and the more souls he can harvest for his sound effect library. Eventually, the combined power of the Top Seven Squad will allow him to manifest again in the world of the living.

SOUND: Scott manifesting. (incorporate the fart into this somehow)

Kevin’s Top Sevens: Oh, shit, I never thought any of my theories would turn out to be real!

Scott: Hiya Kevin. What hand are you using that mouse with?

SOUND: Scott killing Kevin with some kind of blunt object.

Scott: Anyway, we hope you enjoyed this very special episode of Less is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps collective. This episode was audio engineered by our dark lord, Satan, and written by Meg Molloy Tuten, Charlie Porritt and Henry Galley. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Jeremy Showell as Jon, and Scott Thomas as the dearly departed Kevin’s Top Sevens.

SOUND: Kevin, still alive, groans and tries to stand up.

Scott: Whoops, let me just take care of that-

SOUND: Scott killing Kevin again. The audio fades out.

Nate’s Top Eights: And that’s the Number #1 spot on my Top Eight Audio Clips of Unexpected YouTuber Deaths. Rest in peace Kevin’s Top Sevens, you’ll be missed bro. I’ve been Nate’s Top Eights, and until next time remember: Not everything is what it seems. Happy April Fool’s!

[END]

BonusUri Sacharow