Episode 129: The Post-Post-Modern Prometheus

Riley finds Evelyn's habit of producing ectoplasm all over their home to be pretty damn frustrating, so they begin arguing about it, until Evelyn suddenly disappears.

+transcript

Riley: Less Is Morgue. Here we are. Catchphrases, slogans, yadda, yadda, yadda. Evelyn, we need to talk.

Evelyn: Of course we do, that’s what the people are here for.

Riley: This is serious, Hooper. I’ve had it up to here and I’m not taking it anymore.

Evelyn: You’re not taking what anymore, Riley?

Riley: I said I’m not taking it anymore.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, just tell me what the problem is.

Riley: What am I pointing at, Evelyn?

Evelyn: The microphone?

Riley: What is the microphone covered in?

Evelyn: Dust?

Riley: Sure. What else is on it?

Evelyn: Your finger?

Riley: Ectoplasm! Our microphone is coated in your ectoplasm. So is the laptop, and the speakers, and literally everything else in here. And we don’t even have a time machine to use it for.

Evelyn: Oh noodles, Riley! You can’t just tell people about my ectoplasm!

Riley: As if nobody in the audience is a ghost, or at least lives with one.

Evelyn: It’s our daily struggle as apparition-americans and you have no right using my personal experience for cheap entertainment!

Riley: I find it to be very unentertaining, as a matter of fact. Which is why this week’s show is going to be all about the downsides of having a ghost for a roommate.

Evelyn: That seems really harsh, Riley.

Riley: I’ve got to give the people what they want, Ev.

Evelyn: I’m just saying you’re probably going to make some enemies on this one [beat] and we already have a lot of those.

Riley: No, I have a lot of enemies. Everyone seems to like you regardless.

Evelyn: Morby destroyed my childhood! I strongly dislike him, and I’m positive he strongly dislikes me back.

Riley: Bullshit! If we turned on Paramount Heathers right now, I’m sure he’d tell you how sorry he is about Middle-Aged Tree Men and how much of a dick I am for imprisoning him in a shitty reboot and saving the goddamn universe!

Evelyn: He can think what he wants. He’s a horrible, horrible abomination! You shouldn’t give a hoot what he thinks of you.

Riley: Thanks, Evelyn. [beat] Wait! No, no! I’m still mad at you right now!

Evelyn: About what?

Riley: About the ectoplasm!

Evelyn: Do you really want to go there?

Riley: The people need to know!

Evelyn: It’s nobody’s business.

Riley: So what? You get to talk about how I eat people and how messy my room is, how there’s another ghost we still haven’t exorcised in the bathroom, and how I never went to high school like you and you’re so much smarter even though everyone knows that public school curriculum is government brainwashing!

Evelyn: I don’t bring those things up, Riley. You do.

Riley: And the world judges me for it.

Evelyn: Is that what this is about? Are you…? [gasps] You’re worried I have more fans than you.

Riley: That’s preposterous!

Evelyn: Riley. We both know you only say the word preposterous when you’re super duper cheesed off.

Riley: I’m not “cheesed off”, Evelyn. I’m fucking pissed about you and all your ectoplasm.

Evelyn: Here’s the big conspiracy about ectoplasm, Riley! It’s a tangible by-product of my spectral form. I can’t touch it anymore once it’s entered your world. You have to clean it!

Riley: Oh, because it always has to be something I’m not doing. Why can’t people just appreciate who I am right now?

Evelyn: Because right now you’re yelling at your best friend over something that she cannot control!

Riley: A real best friend wouldn’t leave a mess she made in my very incapable hands!

Evelyn: Why is it never as simple as picking up a broom, Riley?

Riley: If you think picking up a broom is so easy, you try it.

Evelyn: You can go to heck, Riley.

Riley: Oh, I can? How generous of you to give me that option!

Evelyn: Come on, stop. Leave me alone.

Riley: It’s your call. Last I checked, you’re the one haunting me.

Evelyn: I don’t want to do the show right now!

SOUND: Electricity crackles as Evelyn is zapped out of the room.

Riley: Evelyn? Oh crap. Did I truth her out of existence? [beat] Ev? You here? [beat] What’s that smell? Oh shit, the laptop’s burning! I better…

[INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: Medical professionals in Estonia are still baffled by a 34-year old man whose body temperature has dropped so low due to clinical depression that he is literally frozen solid. Probably should have worn a sweater. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

[Beat]

Riley: [Evelyn’s voice] ...and I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most. Gosh golly gee, I sure do love terrible music from the early 2000s and children’s cartoons that promote a capitalist agenda!

Riley: [regular voice] Okay, that’s a serviceable impression. Right, so… [beat] as always, I have a mind-blowing show prepared this week. Today, we’re finally going to bite the bullet and take a massive sledgehammer to big pharma. Sound good to you, Evelyn?

Riley: [Evelyn’s Voice] Of course, Riles. Everything you say is soooo interesting. You should go on one of your famous Riley Rants.

Riley: [regular] Well, I know you're eager, but don’t put me on the spot. I need to second to hype myself up for this.

[Beat]

Riley: … Alright, so do you ever wonder why it’s only okay for some of the people to do some of the drugs, rather than all of the people doing all of the drugs? That’s the pharmaceutical industry in action! Those big wigs and fat cats are shitting themselves right now over the realization that someone out there might have more drugs than they do. Naturally, like the sell-outs they are, they try to throw money at the problem, but look where that gets them? Absolutely fucking nowhere. And do you want to know why? Goblins produce 90% of all plant-based narcotics in the world, and you better believe those little green guys know how to spread the wealth. They’re hardcore socialists after my own heart. Doesn’t stop Big Pharma though, and now we’ve got a goblin genocide in the works! There’s just one guy doing it too, if you can believe that. Less paychecks to sign. Ever since 2016, they have been sending this one man, this exterminator, to every goblin village in the Northern Hemisphere and he’s working his way down. This year he’s crossed the Canadian border. If we don’t stop this madman now, it’s bye-bye to drugs, and hello to a sad goblin-less future. Save the goblins. Save the drugs.

[beat]

Riley: [Evelyn’s voice, faltering, out of breath] Wow, Riley, you really showed me how to stand up for the little guy. Do you have another totally awesome rant you want to do?

Riley: [regular voice, out of breath] No, that’s okay, Evelyn. How about we fire up the old Ars Socia and summon a distraction… I mean, a demon.

Riley: [Evelyn’s voice] Whatever you want to do, Riley. It’s your show, after all.

Riley: [regular voice] Thank you.

SOUND: Ars Socia summoning bloop. Owl hooting.

Stolas: Whoooooooo? Who has summoned Stolas, demon prince of educational television?

Riley: Hey there, guy. Listen, I have some time to fill, do you mind giving one of your boring-ass lectures on plants or rocks or some shit?

Stolas: You think my lectures are boring?

Riley: Ugh, everyone is so sensitive today. How about you just talk and I’ll sit here and pretend to listen?

Stolas: [sigh] I suppose there is never a bad time to regale one of you less-informed mortals with the thrilling history of the Topaz stone.

Riley: Sounds great, pal.

Stolas: [deadpan, droning] Our saga begins in the year 45 AD. A greco-roman explorer brings their vessel ashore on a previously undiscovered island in the Red Sea. Little did they know that it was the height of mating season for the Nile Delta Condor: a territorial species of swooping bird, known all too well for its propensity towards projectile vomit.

Riley: [yawns] Keep it coming.

Stolas: Despite the horrendous circumstances, the explorer disembarked to find out what this mysterious island had in store for them. They were secure in the knowledge that their Genius would see them through.

Riley: If they were so smart, how come they didn’t know about the mating patterns or whatever?

Stolas: [Stuffy Old Laugh] Allow me to explain. When I said Genius, I was not referring to the explorer. Though the explorer was knowledgeable about a wide range of topics, ultimately, it was their persistent stubbornness that held them back from true scholastic achievement. It is written in the stones that this particular explorer never went to college.

Riley: Hitting a little close to home, but sure.

Stolas: In the Roman Nomenclature, or if you prefer, Romanclature, a Genius is an invisible guardian spirit who offers guidance and perspective to the minds that need it most.

Riley: [incredulous] Uh huh.

Stolas: Do you have another question?

Stolas: Well, it’s not a narrative, It’s history. You wish fiction was as interesting as this.

Riley: No, I do not.

Stolas: Fair enough. Where was I?

Riley: You were about to say “the real topaz was the friends they made along the way”.

Stolas: [sighs] There’s actually about 300 more chapters of island exploration and naturalist documentation before that point, but if the destination is more important than the journey…

Riley: It is. It always is. You can go now.

Stolas: Don’t forget to water your plants.

SOUND: Ars Socia bloop. Stolas is gone.

Riley: What am I doing?

SOUND: A chair is thrown. Riley grunts.

Riley: Listeners, that was a real chair I just threw across the room. It’s got a broken leg, but my dad bought it so I don’t care right now.

SOUND: Riley grabs a bag and starts putting in what sounds like some trail mix, and maybe a crossbow.

Riley: Guess I’m not ready to give up the ghost. [groans]

SOUND: Riley opens the bathroom door.

Riley: Jon.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Hey, Riley.

Riley: I’m leaving to look for Evelyn. If I’m not back before tomorrow, tell my mom I hate her.

Pizza Ghost Jon: You are coming back, right?

Riley: With Evelyn. Or not at all.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Have fun storming the castle.

SOUND: Bathroom door closes.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Obnoxious as hell “epic” YouTuber music.

Top 5: Eyyyyy, what is up oozers, it’s ya boy Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why! I’ve got a big announcement to make, but first, go ahead and destroy that like button with a sick nasty jump kick.

SOUND: Stock-Click noise.

Top 5: I’ve got Glorb; Smeeve’s here, and you best believe Yort is out of the ICU. Now you see him, on our globular tour. And it's not just the boys either, we've got the internet’s queen of pratfalls, fresh off her MS diagnosis, it’s Memo Nino!

SOUND: Air horns go off.

Top 5: It’s gonna be bacon, guys. It’ll be a night of songs, laughs, dabs, and ass. Me and the blob gang are gonna be performing our greatest hits live on stage - including “Slime on the Whip”, “Blob Me, Baby”, and “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop (My Gun)” featuring special guest T-Pain.

SOUND: Crowd cheers.

Top 5: But that's not all. There'll be games, dances, live sex, live death, live resurrection, and prizes for whoever spends the most money on merch. If you're not there, you're not a true fan, and the blob nation will dox you! Yeet yourself onto my website and buy those tickets, cause this'll be the last one ever until the next one! Enter the promo code “DESERT EAGLE”, and I'll think you're dope. Be there or be demolished. PEACE!

SOUND: Multiple gunshots as Top 5 laughs madly.

[WEIRD AD TIME OVER]

SOUND: Noise of electrodes.

Kathy: Reminder of the day: Nikola Tesla was the original mig-tow and contributed nothing of value to science.

Benjamin: Going in hard on those Nikola Tesla hot takes.

Kathy: You know I had to do it to ‘em.

Benjamin: Chat does not look happy. There’s a lot of lightbulb emotes, but like the fucked ones, so you know it’s Tesla stans.

Kathy: I wish they would go their own way and leave.

Benjamin: Hey-o! I’m gonna dispense some mod privileges, if you wanna get the voltage slab ready.

SOUND: Footsteps as Kathy walks to the table.

Kathy: Let them spam their shitty emotes, their hatred is science fuel.

SOUND: Rattling chains as Kathy pulls up the slab.

Benjamin: She means that literally. We’re getting .7 gigajoules per hate comment.

Kathy: There’s no lightning storms this week, so we've gotta work with what we have. The internet never stops being a good source of energised hatred.

Benjamin: Fun little Frankenfact for the folks in the chat: it takes a hundred hate comments to power your garden-variety filament bulb for an hour.

Kathy: Let’s see how many it takes to animate a flesh golem.

SOUND: Twitch donation noise and chat appears.

Benjamin: We’ve got a donation from LB1788 - he says “Hey, Kathy and Benjamin, been a fan of the Frankenstream since you guys were rezzing dogs, love the upgrade to human flesh. Keep up the good work. ” Gee, thanks, dude. Feels good to see an old fan. [beat] For those of you just rejoining the stream after the power surge, tonight we’re doing the whole hog. We’ve got a patchwork simulacrum of a human - with a couple artistic liberties - and we’re gonna see if we can make it move.

Kathy: Not see. We’re going to make it move.

Benjamin: I’m creating suspense, Kathy. We’re building an atmosphere.

Kathy: We’re building a monster. [beat] But yeah, I guess we’re also building an atmosphere.

SOUND: Slab locks into place, metallic sounds.

Benjamin: Looks like someone named 420 wants to come onto voice chat.

Kathy: Username is sus. What’s his problem?

Benjamin: He’s from YouTube, I guess.

Kathy: Ugh. The lair of the white worm.

Benjamin: Chat really wants to hear him speak. Should we?

Kathy: Oh, sure. We’ve got time for two resurrections tonight.

Benjamin: You’re salty today.

SOUND: Benjamin clicks, puts Deathbeam420 on voice chat.

Benjamin: Yo, Deathbeam. You’re on the Frankenstream.

Deathbeam420: I just want to say one thing: Nikola Tesla was an icon and you guys aren’t going to be able to pull this one off.

Benjamin: [Blows a raspberry] Nice try, guy. Your personal hero is still a failure. What else you got?

Deathbeam420: It’s impossible to revive a dead body with science alone. Unless either of you have a necronomicon stashed in those last-season lab-coats, this is just going to end with a charred pile of flesh.

Benjamin: Incredible. You must have three PHDs, because both me and my sister have one and you’re claiming to be smarter than both of us combined.

Deathbeam420: You’re just doing this for the views, there isn’t a ghost of a chance that you’ll get that abomination to lift a finger, let alone do a jig for charity.

Kathy: Wow, YouTube really is a haven for the disturbed. The algorithm has poisoned your logical mind. There’s no hope for you, and that’d be sad, if you weren’t a dick.

Benjamin: [Laughing] He actually thinks we’re flying blind. [beat] Hey, DeathBeam420, when you cook your ramen noodles, do you leave the plastic on? ‘Cause that’s the level of intellectual speculation you’re on right now.

Deathbeam420: You’re frauds! What you do isn’t real science! Eugenics is real science!

Benjamin: Aaaand you’re gone.

SOUND: Deathbeam420’s audio drops out.

Benjamin: Woof. Another genome fetishist. Fucking asshole.

Kathy: If you gave him a couple more seconds, he probably would have mentioned The Bell Curve. [beat] As for the other brainiacs in chat, here’s our method for inducing life. Members of the Frankenfandom already know this, but you can’t have a free-willed organic construct without a soul. So we re-wired an old muon trap from the eighties and caught ourselves an earthbound spirit.

SOUND: Electricity crackles. It’s Evelyn..

Evelyn: Let me out of here!

Kathy: Cool your pool, we’re about to.

Benjamin: Moment of truth, y’all. We’re going to put this ghost into that bod.

Kathy: Over 300 lbs. of locally-sourced corpse parts will soon be live on stream. Literally. It will be alive.

Evelyn: What’s happening? Is that a webcam?

Benjamin: Pull the lever, Kathy.

Kathy: YEET.

SOUND: Massive electrical surge, Evelyn is transposed into the frankenstein’s monster. The Evelyn-Monster is Evelyn’s normal voice with no reverb, comically pitched down.

Kathy: I always love that part.

Benjamin: Speak, creation! Even though we technically didn’t create you, and you’re more of an already existent consciousness we ported into a new vessel… Speak, anyway! We want to know what’s up with you.

Evelyn-Monster: Ohh, my aching head. [Beat; Gasp] I can feel my head! [Dawning horror] Make that heads. Oh, no no no. What am I?

Kathy: We did it, Benjamin! After all those attempts, we’ve got a functioning golem!

Evelyn-Monster: What did you do?

SOUND: Heavy feet land on the ground as Evelyn-Monster steps off the slab.

Benjamin: Easy, tiger. Don’t bash us through the wall with those sick pythons.

Kathy: She’s beautiful! … [to Evelyn] You do use She/Her pronouns, right?

Evelyn-Monster: Yes. I’m Evelyn Hooper, from Less is Morgue.

[Beat]

Benjamin and Kathy: Are we supposed to know… did we just say that at the same time? Did we just say that at the same time?

Evelyn-Monster: You’ve never heard of the podcast?

Benjamin: I’ve never heard one podcast in my entire life.

Kathy: We’re too busy earning our next grant.

Evelyn-Monster: But you’re like 12!

Kathy: 15, actually, three years makes a big difference.

Benjamin: Technically, I’m 16 and a day.

Evelyn-Monster: Happy birthday!

Benjamin: Same to you!

Evelyn-Monster: I just remembered why this whole thing is freaking me out.

Kathy: Don’t worry about it, Ev. Can we call you Ev? Or do you prefer Eve?

Evelyn-Monster: I’d prefer to be a ghost again.

Benjamin: Why would you want to go back? You’re free now, and we’ve given you the best body we could assemble from our neighbor’s leftovers.

Evelyn-Monster: This body stinks, it’s just a bunch of rotten parts and it’s not even all human. And… this hand [beat] is this Jon ’s hand?

Kathy: Are we supposed to know who that is?

SOUND: Riley kicks in the door to the frankenstream.

Riley: Everybody freeze! I've got a crossbow, and I'm so eager to use it!

Evelyn-Monster: Riley!

Riley: Evelyn!? By Stolas, what have these sick little fucks done to you? You look like a Resident Evil boss!

Kathy: We’re not sick fucks! We’re scientists!

Riley: That makes it so much worse!

Benjamin: Hi crossbow, meet phaser.

SOUND: Phaser charging noise.

Riley: Are you two dweebs really willing to bet your lives on me not wanting to shoot a minor? Really?

Benjamin: That’s a negative. I’m betting I can shoot first, and I know I can, because I’m a gamer.

Riley: Whatever. Just don’t blame it on lag when I shoot you first anyway, bitch.

Kathy: Stop it! Put the weapons down! We can work this out like rational bipeds.

Evelyn-Monster: Wow, Kathy, Benjamin, your chat is going buckwild.

Kathy: Tends to happen when my brother is being held at crossbow-point by our lunatic shut-in neighbor. You know, I’d heard stories about you...

Riley: And they’re all true, you precocious twerp! You stole my ghost! You stole my garbage! You’re stealing my afternoon! At this point, the only thing left to say is… Why?

Benjamin: We’re not planning anything nefarious. We’re not YouTubers.

Kathy: We’re Frankenstreamers. We brought this golem to life in order to protest fast food restaurants.

Evelyn-Monster: Say whaaaaaaat?

Benjamin: Think about it. If the public sees our creation, they’ll have to consider the fact that their food is made up of the same exact proportions of assorted meat.

Kathy: We’ve created an anti-corporate mascot! One that stands for none of them but represents the dark underbelly of all of them.

Riley: Huh. When you put it that way, I guess that’s not the dumbest thing you could do with an eight-foot tall crime against nature.

Evelyn-Monster: It’s better than any harebrained scheme you could come up with, Riley.

Riley: Do you want me to rescue you from these freaks or not?

Kathy: Rescue? Evelyn can leave anytime she wants.

Benjamin: She’s an autonomous being, the most we can do is suggest she help us for the greater good.

Riley: Great. Good. Evelyn, let’s go.

Evelyn-Monster: No.

Riley: Wait, what now?

Evelyn-Monster: I’m telling you that I’m staying. I’ll be the anti-fast food mascot or whatever. At least these kids respect me enough to give me the option.

Benjamin: Awww, hell yeah!

Kathy: Down with mystery burgers! High five, brother!

SOUND: Kathy and Benjamin High five.

Riley: You’re seriously okay with this? They used you. They turned you into a monster.

Evelyn-Monster: Yeah, well at least this way I won’t ruin your life with any more ectoplasm.

Riley: Oh… I guess I was really on your case about that, wasn’t I?

Evelyn-Monster: You should be happy, Riley. These kids keep telling me I’m free, and now you are, too. Free to do the show however you want.

Riley: There is no show! Not without you!

Evelyn-Monster: Oh, cause you don’t want to lose out on all my fans who you hate because they’re mine and not yours?

Riley: I wouldn’t know what to do with fans anyway. I’m terrible with people, you know that better than anyone. I hide in the bathroom whenever the UPS truck drives by. I’m scared to clean my room because I think people will steal my things if they aren’t coated in my scent. I lash out and blame people for ruining the things I start because I don’t want to admit that I’m too scared to finish them myself. These kids have PHDs, and I have OCD. Hell, if I had any more complexes, I'd be a freaking real estate developer.

Kathy: Chat is loving this.

Benjamin: So many cry emotes.

Riley: I’m a lost cause, Evelyn. But that’s not you. I’ve never met anyone as alive as you, and I never even knew you before you died! The only kind of person who’d have problem with you is a bitter, egocentric, misanthropic loser, and I’m so fucking sorry I ate your corpse and saddled you with one.

Evelyn-Monster: Riles, there’s no use beating yourself up about it.

Riley: I’m only doing it because you’re too nice to beat me up about it. And the fact that I want to make this right, that I care about someone else’s feelings, that’s something I could only have learned from listening to you. [Beat] Or Stolas, but I only half pay-attention to him. [Beat] I do know one thing though: you are my Genius, Evelyn. I’m sorry that I don’t say it enough. Full stop, I will strive to treat you the way you treat everyone, whether you choose to be a ghost or a terrifying hodge-podge of my past meals.

Evelyn-Monster: [touched] Oh Riley. I knew you had it in you. [beat] I’m going to give you a big monster hug!

Riley: Well, you don’t have to go that far-

SOUND: Evelyn-Monster hugs Riley tightly.

Riley: [straining] Okay, okay. I’m getting redneck cannibal flashbacks. You’re popping out all my joints.

SOUND: Evelyn-Monster lets go.

Evelyn-Monster: Sorry, almost made you a ghost. That’d be messed up.

Riley: No kidding.

Kathy: Does this mean you’re not going to help us end fast food, Eve?

Evelyn-Monster: It’s Evelyn, and I’m afraid my talents are needed elsewhere.

Benjamin: Damn, ‘cause we were kinda banking on that. [beat] Of course, with all of these donations we’ll be able to fund another experiment in no time.

Riley: That reminds me, Frankenteen. Can you send me the audio from this stream you’re doing? I may need it someday if my itchy crossbow finger ever lands me in court.

Evelyn-Monster: It would also be too bad if that awesome apology got lost to the internet.

Riley: Gotta say, I agree.

Kathy: Your name is Riley, right? There’s someone named Bubba asking us to shout out your show in chat.

Riley: [confidently] Actually, it’s Evelyn’s show too.

Benjamin: That’s not what she meant.

Riley: You kids are alright. Let’s go home, Evelyn.

Evelyn-Monster: Got any dinner plans for when we get back to the basement, Riley?

Riley: I’m torn between a couple dozen options. Why do you ask?

Evelyn-Monster: Well, I do miss being a ghost. And this body, it’s… a little much. You think you could maybe...

Riley: Fuck, I would’ve saved more room if I knew this was the direction my day would take. Regardless, you’ve got yourself a meal. Or, uh, made yourself a meal. I’ll eat you, is what I’m saying.

Evelyn-Monster: Awesome-sauce! Should I sprinkle on any seasoning beforehand?

Riley: Do you have to make it weird?

[END]