Episode 128: Riley and Evelyn’s Underworld Vacation
Looking for an escape from the basement, with Riley’s help, Evelyn seeks an affordable vacation. Satan himself appears to offer them a free holiday in the Underworld - providing they can help him make the place a little more tourist friendly.
+Transcript
Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means we haven’t actually been hacked by that mean teenager Riley killed on CS:Go!
Riley: A man in Tampa miraculously awoke from a ten year coma last week. When doctors showed him his medical bills, he died of a heart attack immediately. The medical bills have since been passed to his next of kin, along with his funeral bills, and a complimentary fruit basket. I’m Riley, your Best Ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your [Sighs] I’m sorry, I don’t think my heart’s in it today.
Riley: What’s wrong?
Evelyn: You ever feel like you’re stuck in a rut, Riles?
Riley: No.
Evelyn: We do the same intro every time, we upload the same day every other week, you eat the same kind of food and we play the same kind of games. Don’t you ever want a change? You know, a break from routine?
Riley: Not really? I mainly want to control every minute of my day and avoid any potential surprises. Kinda comes with the Asperger’s and OCD.
Evelyn: But don’t you ever get bored of that?
Riley: How very neurotypical of you.
Evelyn: I feel like we need a vacation. The basement’s getting a little...samey.
Riley: A vacation!? But we went to that adult camp five months ago, wasn’t that enough?
Evelyn: It was horrible! People kept misgendering you, the camp counsellor was a murderous psychopath, and nobody could interact with me!
Riley: Okay, maybe adult camp was a bust. But we can still have plenty of fun right here! There’s, uh...There’s the couch. And also, the TV. And we still have plenty of board games to play.
Evelyn: Come on, Riley, pleeeeaaaaase?
Riley: Alright, fine! Maybe we need…[Nervous Gulp] Another vacation.
Evelyn: Yay! This is gonna be--
[EVELYN IS INTERRUPTED BY THE INTRO MUSIC]
Evelyn: So much fun!
Riley: Y’know, it’d be a lot easier to go on vacation literally anywhere - or anyWHEN - if we hadn’t let that goody-two-shoes Betsy Ross deactivate the time machine before she left.
Evelyn: Hey, lay off Betsy! She saved our butts from all those weird time-creeps...and she was super cute.
Riley: All cops are bastards, Evelyn, and that includes cute Time Cops. Anyway, where do you want to go?
Evelyn: Honestly, I’d settle for pretty much anything. I’m just really tired of seeing brick walls and all the weird stains on the concrete floor.
Riley: The stains build character!
Evelyn: Riley.
Riley: Alrighty then...To Google!
SOUND: Riley types.
Riley: Affordable Vacations…and go!
Evelyn: Oooohh, the Crab Lord’s Underwater Kingdom looks nice!
Riley: But I can’t breathe underwater, so that’s a no.
Evelyn: Dang. I really wanted to meet a mermaid.
Riley: How about the Serial Killer Resort in Tampa?
Evelyn: The what?
Riley: It’s a super exclusive beach-front resort run by the Serial Killer’s Union. They only let you in if you’ve killed at least fifteen people, so it won’t be overcrowded, and every room has been soundproofed, so it’ll be peaceful and quiet. Not to mention all the free corpses.
Evelyn: But I’ve never killed anybody! So they won’t let me in.
Riley: Shit. Do you think we can maybe go somewhere real quick so you can bump up your numbers a little?
Evelyn: Riley, no! I’m not gonna commit mass murder so you get to have an all-you-can-eat body buffet!
Riley: Okay, fine! But you have to understand, Ev: We’re in Florida! We’re America’s dick - everyone else comes here to vacation and get drunk and wreck shit. Where the fuck are Floridians supposed to go on vacation?
SOUND: There’s a loud rumbling noise.
Riley: I really need to stop asking rhetorical questions while we record.
SOUND: The rumbling gets louder, until suddenly the ground cracks. There’s demonic latin chanting, and an evil laugh. Flames roar.
Riley: For fuck’s sake! First the wall, and now the fucking floor? Seriously!?
Evelyn: EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE AND I AM NOT OKAY!
SOUND: Big Band Jazz Music Begins to Play.
Evelyn: Oh no, it’s jazz!
Riley: What’s wrong with jazz?
Evelyn: Back in Sunday School, they always taught us that jazz was the music of--
Satan: The Devil!
SOUND: Riley and Ev both yelp in shock.
Riley: Jesus Christ!
Evelyn: No, Riley, he’s literally the exact opposite!
Satan: Pleased to make your acquaintance, my children.
Riley: Who the fuck is this guy!?
Satan: [Surprised] You don’t know who I am?
Riley: ...Azfar?
Satan: I’m not Azfar.
Riley: Shit, was that racist?
Satan: Little bit, but we won’t dwell on it. I’m Satan! The most powerful demon ever unleashed on this wretched earth, and Ruler of all Hell. I’ve also been told that I play a mean violin.
Riley: Do they teach you how to knock in Hell? Cause here in the surface world, we don’t burst through people’s floors!
Satan: Sorry about that, Old Sport. I’ll cover the repairs. Cigar, anyone?
SOUND: A small flame ignites.
Riley: [Coughs; Choking] What the fuck is that smell?
Satan: Vintage Brimstone Cubans. I suppose it’s an acquired taste.
Evelyn: Look, Mr. Beelzebub, I don’t want to make any trouble, but I was brought up Christian and I probably shouldn’t be hanging around with you.
SOUND: Satan laughs.
Satan: Why? Think someone will tattle to the man upstairs? I wouldn’t worry about it, Old Sport. The Big Man really mellowed out after he invented marijuana - said it inspired him to write a whole New Testament. Shame it didn’t make him reconsider casting me out...
Riley: Hey, wait a minute, didn’t one of your ads crash the broadcast on like our second episode? Some stupid time-share thing?
Satan: Astute observation, Myxter Almanzor. And incidentally, that’s why I’m here.
Riley: [Sighs] Great, another shill. Just what we need.
Satan: Evelyn, my dear, I noticed you were looking for a break.
Evelyn: Ehhhh...Probably not the kind you can give me. No offence.
Satan: Nonsense! Everyone knows I’m the fun side of the celestial weighing scales. How about I cut you a deal? I’m famous for giving people excellent deals.
Riley: But what about--
Satan: That was a fluke.
Riley: You didn’t even let me finish my sentence.
Satan: All the bad ones are flukes. And if you discount the flukes, I have a wonderful customer satisfaction record.
Evelyn: What exactly is it you’re offering?
Satan: An all-expenses paid trip to the Underworld, where you can relax, put your feet up, and watch all your troubles melt away in the streams of boiling magma.
Riley: What’s the catch?
Satan: Beg your pardon?
Riley: The catch. Deals with the devil literally always have a catch. It’s like, the whole point of the expression.
Satan: Well, um, we can discuss that downstairs.
Riley: Yeah, right. You may be the Lord of Darkness, but if you think we’re gonna take a deal that vague and ominous, then you’re dumber than--
Evelyn: Deal!
Riley: WHAT!?
Satan: Splendid! Thank you for making that so easy - Dr. Faustus was dreadfully indecisive.
Riley: Evelyn, what the fucking fuck are you thinking?
Evelyn: I really need a change of scenery, Riley! I feel like I’m going crazy here, and it’s not like we can turn down a free vacation!
Riley: In Hell.
Satan: The Underworld, thank you.
Riley: Whatever!
Evelyn: Come on, Riles, whatever he wants can’t be that bad!
Riley: He’s The Devil!
Satan: I’m really not as bad a guy as you think I am--
Riley: Quiet, you!
Evelyn: Riley, please, I need this. I swear, if we do this, I’ll go with you to Alienstock next year.
[Beat]
Riley: Really?
Evelyn: Yes, pinkie promise!
Riley: [Groans] Okay, fine! But I’m still gonna bring my laptop and mic.
Satan: Why?
Riley: We owe it to the fans to maintain our upload schedule!
Satan: While it’d be no keratin off my horns to let you do that, there won’t be any need. After all, you two should enjoy your vacation! You’ve earned it.
Riley: But if we don’t record anything for this week’s episode--
Satan: Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it all taken care of. My team will be on the job, and you have my word that we’ll email you the audio files afterwards.
Riley: [Grumbles] Fine, just make sure they’re WAVs and not MP3s.
Evelyn: So, how do we get down to the Underworld? Do you like, snap your fingers or something?
Satan: [Chuckles] I’m afraid not. Just remember, keep your legs straight when you hit the water.
Riley: Wait, what?
SOUND: Satan pushes them both down the chasm. They scream for a while, getting quieter as they head down and fade out.
Satan: Oh, that never gets old. Now, how do I turn this thing off? Oh, right.
SOUND: Click! Satan turns off the recording. Silence for a second, then: Jazz music playing loudly, before becoming more quiet and subdued as the hosts begin to speak.
Virgil: Wow, what a splendid track. A true classic, right, Mania?
Mania: Right you are, Virgil. Non-stop bangers, only on Inferno FM, Hell’s favorite - and incidentally, only! - drive-time radio show.
Virgil: Uhhh...Don’t you mean “The Underworld’s Only Drive-Time Radio Show?”
Mania: Oops! Old habits die hard, I guess! [Resentful] Thank you for correcting me.
SOUND: They awkwardly, fake broadcast laugh together.
Virgil: Thanks for being patient with us, folks. If we seem a little green at this, it’s because we’ve had a lot on our plate lately - especially since being promoted to Heads of the Sinner Admissions Division, Chief Torture Administrators, Cursed Wealth Treasurers…
Mania: Don’t forget Head Soul accountants, Executive Punishment Deciders, and Public Relations Managers.
Virgil: Oh, and of course, hosts of this show. We’ve been wearing a lot of hats around here.
Mania: [Strained laugh] Yup! And I can feel the collective weight of all those hats slowly crushing my skull!
Virgil: [Strained] So many hats!
Mania: So many!
SOUND: They both laugh in a way that betrays exhaustion and pain.
Virgil: But we’re not gonna let that stop us in our loyal service to the Dark Lord, and to you, the listeners!
Mania: We’ve got some more jazz classics coming up next, and later tonight, we’ve got another block of classic jazz.
Virgil: And if you stick around long enough, you’ll catch our midnight jazz marathon, the Dark Lord’s favorite!
Mania: Followed by some R&B [Beat] Just kidding, it’s contemporary jazz!
Virgil: We’d give you the traffic report, but if you’re listening to this, you probably either have wings, or are strapped to some kind of torture device.
Mania: Hang in there, baby! Especially those of you currently impaled on meat hooks!
Virgil: We have a special show for you tonight, folks! Because our operation is mobile! That’s right - we’ve parked our portable studio right here on the edge of the River Styx. And that’s because we’re having some very special guests today!
Mania: That’s right! Not only the Father of Lies himself, but also two surface dwellers!
SOUND: Riley and Evelyn’s screams get louder as they fall towards the river.
Virgil: And here they are now!
SOUND: Splash! Riley and Evelyn land in the water.
Mania: And a beautiful dismount! Let’s go meet them, folks!
SOUND: Riley and Ev surface on the shore, gasping, as the two demons approach them. Evelyn doesn’t have her ghost filter for some reason.
Riley: What the actual fuck!? I feel like we were falling for days! I don’t even know which way is up anymore!
Mania: Welcome to Hell! You’re on Inferno FM - our question of the day is: What’s your perfect Sunday?
Virgil: What my colleague means to say is welcome to The Underworld!
Mania: Whatever!
Evelyn: Gosh, I feel weird.
SOUND: Riley suddenly screams.
Evelyn: What!? What’s wrong?
Riley: Evelyn...You have legs!
Evelyn: I do? [Beat] OH MY GOD, I DO!
Riley: And not just that! You’ve got skin, and irises, and you’re not see-through!
Evelyn: I...have a physical body again!?
Virgil: [Awkward] Do you want us to give you a moment or--
SOUND: Boom! Satan appears.
Riley: How did you get down here?
Satan: [Smug] Oh, I just snapped my fingers.
Riley: What? You said it didn’t work like that!
Satan: Oh Riley, in the immortal words of Dave Grohl: I’m the Devil, I can do what I want.
Riley: You motherfu-
Mania: Everyone’s here, folks! The Dark Lord himself, and, uh…
Satan: Riley and Evelyn. The two surface dwellers who are going to save this place.
Riley and Evelyn: What!?
Satan: Well, you wanted to know the catch, didn’t you? I’m not made of free vacations…
Evelyn: Can someone please explain why I have a body again? I’m kind of freaking out right now!
Virgil: Oh, that’s simple! When a spirit goes to hell, it becomes corporeal so demons can torture it forever!
SOUND: Evelyn collapses.
Riley: Shit!
Mania: She fell over! Are they meant to fall over?
Evelyn: Sorry, sorry, just getting used to having legs again. Gosh, this feels so weird…
Riley: Here, lemme help you up.
SOUND: Riley helps Evelyn up.
Riley: There we go.
Evelyn: Thanks, Riles.
Satan: Don’t worry too much about physical damage. People can take a lot of punishment down here [Sighs] Believe me…
Riley: You said something about us saving Hell?
Satan: The Underworld. And yes, we needed a pair of surface-dwelling millennials to help out with our current crisis, and you two were the first to actually agree.
Riley: Current crisis?
Virgil: It’s a long story.
Mania: A really, really long story…
SOUND: Evelyn’s stomach growls.
Evelyn: Could you maybe tell us over lunch? I haven’t eaten in seventeen years.
Virgil: ...Eat?
Mania: What’s lunch?
Satan: It’s a mortal concept - they ingest organic matter to function as metabolic fuel, I read a fascinating article about it.
Virgil: Oh, like when you shove burning coals into people’s mouths for using discriminatory language!
Satan: Well...
Riley: You don’t know about eating in Hell? It’s like, one of my favourite things.
Satan: The Underworld! And no, sinners don’t require food. We keep them in a state of eternal hunger as part of the repentance procedures.
Riley: Yeesh, that’s terrifying…
Evelyn: Can you make an exception? You promised us a nice vacation, after all. And I don’t see how we’re gonna help you save the Underworld on an empty stomach…
Satan: Hmmm. You make a good point. Virgil, Mania, can you cook?
Mania: I mean...We just learned about the concept of food a couple seconds ago…
Virgil: And you have been delegating a lot of tasks to us lately, your Lordship.
Satan: Wonderful! What would you like, Evelyn?
SOUND: Virgil and Mania groan in disappointment.
Evelyn:...I can just ask for anything?
Satan: Of course, this is Hell- I mean, the Underworld. Fuck. Point is, I have absolute dominion here. You can have the eatery of your dreams.
Riley: Oh boy, I can already sense this is gonna be cringeworthy…
Evelyn: In that case, I’d like to eat at a Nickelback-themed novelty restaurant with a Tex-Mex menu!
Riley: Aaaand I was right.
Satan: Consider it done.
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers. BOOM! The restaurant materialises.
Evelyn: Oh my gosh...Band merch on the walls, all the meals have pun names, it even smells like Chad Kroeger. This place is perfect!
Riley: Now we really are in Hell.
Mania: Welcome to the Rockstar Cafe, Hell’s newest and only Nickelback-themed Restaurant.
Virgil: The Underworld’s--
Mania: Not now! [To Evelyn] May I take your order?
SOUND: Evelyn rustles the menu.
Evelyn: Uhhhh...Can I get a “How You Remind Meat” burger and some Lullafries?
Riley: Jesus, what moron came up with these rancid puns?
Virgil: [Clearly Upset] Just because we’re demons doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings…
Mania: Burger and fries, coming right up! [Beat] Here you go!
SOUND: Plate hits the table.
Evelyn: Gosh, that was so fast! How did you figure this out so quickly?
Virgil: We’re fast learners.
Mania: And it turns out we already had a bunch of grills down here, we just had to peel all the parking attendants off of them.
SOUND: Evelyn starts eating.
Evelyn: [Mouth full] This is so good! [Gulps] You want anything, Riley?
Riley: No thanks. Nickelback is the one thing that makes me lose my appetite.
Satan: Do you mind if we get back to business? We have some rather urgent matters to attend to right now.
Riley: Works for me.
Satan: Splendid. Virgil, Mania, piss off back to the kitchen for a little while, would you?
Virgil and Mania: Yes, your Lordship!
SOUND: Poof! The two demons are gone.
Riley: So, how’d you fuck up managing the unhappiest place under earth?
Satan: I didn’t fuck up anything! Everything else got fucked up! It was beyond my control.
Evelyn: But I thought you had total control?
Satan: I do! It’s just…[Demonic Yell; His Voice Becomes Deep and Bestial] SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO TAKES THIS WHOLE SORDID AFFAIR SERIOUSLY!
Riley: Whoa, calm down there, dude. Your hellfire’s getting a little too hot for my liking.
Satan: [Sighs] My apologies. Trying to run this place with such a limited staff has left my patience a little...well, let’s say “fragile.”
Evelyn: What do you mean a small staff? Aren’t there like, legions of demons down here? [Bites Burger] Back in Bible Studies, they told me you had like a whole army of darkness that you’d use to fight God in Revelations!
Satan: Ah yes, I believe John of Patmos wrote that chapter. He always was a drama queen. I’m sad to admit that many of my most powerful demons have flown the coop.
Riley: Wait, really?
Satan: Leviathan got headhunted by Seaworld, Asmodeus wanted to pursue his music career, and I haven’t seen Paimon since he signed that deal with A24. And the rest...who knows? Perhaps they just wanted a change of scenery. Even torturing sinners gets old after a few millennia. And we’re running low on those, too.
Evelyn: How the heck do you run out of sinners? You were gonna bring Jon down here for minor copyright infringement!
Riley: Yeah, this shithole should be overflowing.
Satan: That’s how desperate we’ve gotten! There used to be one paradise and one perdition - nice and simple. But now, there’s an infinite number of bullshit afterlives that sinners can run away to rather than face up to their terrible actions! Nobody ever wants to go to Hell, so now that they have other options, nobody does!
Riley: Huh. That explains the ad. If you were trying to attract sinners, maybe you should’ve leaned into casinos and cat-houses rather than...condos.
Satan: I mean, we had those too, back in the glory days. But when people stopped burying their dead with a coin on their tongue, nobody had any money to gamble with. [Sighs] Oh, to return to those halcyon times...
Evelyn: [Calling out] Hey, can I get a drink with this?
Satan: Are you even listening to me!?
Evelyn: I was, I was! I’m just a little parched because of the fries!
SOUND: Poof! As Virgil reappears.
Virgil: What kind of drink would you like, miss?
Evelyn: Uhhh...Do you have banana milkshakes?
Virgil: Virgin or hard?
Evelyn: Hmm. Well, we’re on vacation, so why not? Liquor me up!
Virgil: Excellent choice, madam.
SOUND: Poof! Glass clinks on the table. Evelyn slurps.
Evelyn: Ahhh. That hits the spot.
Satan: [Annoyed] May I continue?
SOUND: Evelyn slurps again.
Evelyn: Go for it.
Satan: People are always saying I’m a bad guy.
Riley: I mean, you are the Lord of Darkness. And you torture people for a living.
Satan: Sure, I torture people, but they’re bad people, and I only torture them until they truly admit their mistakes and repent! Everyone cheers for Dexter, but when I dip a pedophile in a deep fat fryer, apparently I’m the King of All Evil? The whole system is rife with double standards!
Riley: Don’t you also tempt people to do evil?
Satan: Ha! Trust me, people don’t need the help.
Evelyn: Oh my goodness, this milkshake just refills every time I finish it! This is amazing!
Satan: [Sighs] Come with me, let me show you something.
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers. Suddenly, they’re surrounded by horrific screaming.
Riley: What the fuck!? Where are we?
Evelyn: Why are there skinless people everywhere!?
Satan: This is skinning room seven. We modelled it after the Presidential Suite in the Ritz circa 1921 - Except with more skinning, obviously.
SOUND: One of the people stops wailing and begins to talk.
Peter: Satan, bro, stop torturing me! This sucks and it’s way unfair!
Satan: You ate a baby, Peter, you deserve this!
Peter: Still, isn’t it a little excessive?
Satan: It would’ve ended two thousand years ago if you actually apologised!
Peter: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, bro! Alright? Is that what you wanna hear?
Satan: Ugh, you’re not even trying. Here, have some more salt on your exposed musculature, Old Sport.
SOUND: Salt shaker noise. Peter screams.
Satan: [Singing Frank Sinatra to himself] I’ve got you under my skin, I’ve got you deep in the heart of me…[He gives a demonic laugh]
Peter: BROOOOO!
Riley: I’m sorry, what point were you trying to prove to us with this room again - other than the fact that people hate having all their skin torn off?
Satan: You know the worst thing about people who don’t learn from their mistakes? Never in a million years will they understand why they deserve to be here. And somehow, that makes me the asshole. Life just isn’t fair.
SOUND: There’s more screaming. Evelyn slurps her milkshake again.
Evelyn: Can we go somewhere a little quieter? It’s hard to think with all the screaming of the damned everywhere.
Satan: Fine.
SOUND: He snaps his fingers. BOOM! They’re in Satan’s office. Jazz plays again.
Satan: Welcome to my office.
Evelyn: Wow! This is so fancy!
Satan: Charming, isn’t it? Henry Ford had one just like it - The Nazi bastard helped me design it all when he arrived.
Riley: Also, my appetite came back. I think it was all the skinless people.
Satan: Feel free to take some candy from the bowl on my fine mahogany desk - it’s snake-flavoured.
Riley: Don’t mind if I do.
SOUND: Riley’s hand rustles in the candy bowl. Evelyn slurps again.
Riley: So, what is it you want us to actually do? Cause no offense, but all you’ve done so far is feel sorry for yourself.
Evelyn: Riley, that’s mean!
Riley: I said “no offense”, Evelyn! That negates the meanness!
Evelyn: We talked about this! It really-
SOUND: Satan gives a low growl.
Satan: Look- for Hell to function, it needs sinners to torture and redeem. But for that whole business model to work, we need to actually make the Underworld an appealing place to hang your hat, do you understand?
SOUND: Evelyn slurps. She’s getting kinda drunk.
Riley: You wanna go a little easier on that shake, Ev? I feel like Hel- Er, Underworld Liquor probably doesn’t fuck around.
Evelyn: [Giggles] What are you talking about? I’m fine! [Hiccups] So, Mr. Satan, you want our help to give the Underworld a makeover?
Satan: I’ve tried everything - from affordable condos to paying The Eagles to write that song about us, but none of it worked! I’m about as old as the concept of age, so I worry that I’m not hip enough to really know what the cool, young sinners like these days.
Riley: I’m probably not the ghoul to ask about this, I never even leave my house.
Evelyn: Ooh ooh ooh! I can help! I know about alllllll the cool things! [Giggles]
Riley: Oh god, I can see where this is going already…
Satan: [Hopeful] So you think you can help me?
Evelyn: Absolutely! With my help, we can make “Go to Hell” a compliment!
Satan: The Underworld.
Evelyn: [Giggles drunkenly] Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Riley: Look, I never thought I’d say this, but Satan, you’re really gonna get burned on this deal if you go through with it.
Satan: Oh come on, Riley, when has a deal with me ever gone badly?
Riley: LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TIME!
Satan: So, how do you suppose we start? Some light brainstorming, perhaps?
Evelyn: Naaaaaahh. Don’t worry about it, I’ve got a natural intuition for this kind of thing. How about we just go from place to place, and I’ll tell you exactly how to improve it. Sound good?
Satan: Your enthusiasm warms the labyrinthine depths of my obsidian heart.
Riley: Guess I’m in the presence of two English Majors. Wonderful.
SOUND: Evelyn slurps.
Evelyn: Wow, this is good stuff. [Hiccups] So, what are we waiting for? Let’s get this party started!
Satan: Let the renovating commence!
Riley: [Deadpan] I can hardly contain my excitement.
SOUND: He snaps his fingers. There’s creepy chittering everywhere.
Evelyn: [Shrieks] AAAAHHHH! Okay, okay, okay, that’s a lot of bugs.
Satan: Yes, this is the endless scorpion pit. It’s where we put people who snitch-tag on Twitter - Or we would, if we had any!
Evelyn: Why don’t you have any? Tons of people do that!
SOUND: There’s a crunching noise.
Satan: They’re all earth-bound, haunting whatever poor celebrity they stanned in life. Do you know what BTS actually stands for? It’s “Banish The Spirits.” The whole thing is a cry for help. I mean, why do you think celebrities have mental breakdowns so often? It’s-
Evelyn: Riley, stop eating the scorpions!
Riley: [Mouth Full] What? [Gulps] He said they were endless!
Satan: We’re getting sidetracked. So, Evelyn, how would you fix this place to make it a little more...appealing?
Evelyn: Hmmm...I mean, for starters, I’d say maybe less scorpions, or at least put them in like a terrarium or something. In fact, maybe mix it up a little - have more animals, like pigs and baby goats and lambs and miniature horses.
Satan: So like a petting zoo?
Evelyn: Exactly like a petting zoo.
Satan: Well, if you say so…
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers. POOF! The scorpion pit now sounds like a barnyard.
Evelyn: Oh gosh, they’re so cute, I’m gonna cry!
Riley: Ev, I really, really, really think you’ve had enough of that milkshake.
Evelyn: I’M ON VACATION!
Riley: Okay, Okay, sheesh!
Satan: Next area, I suppose.
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers. There’s bubbling of magma around them.
Riley: Holy fuck, that’s a whole lotta lava.
Evelyn: Wow, so that’s what intense, flesh-searing heat feels like. I’d totally forgotten.
Riley: You’re still recording all this, right?
Satan: Of course, I’m a demon of my word. I have the whole Underworld bugged.
Riley: Okay so, for the folks at home, we’re currently on a craggy stone island in the middle of an infinite sea of magma.
Satan: Marvellous, isn’t it? I call it The Specific Ocean.
Evelyn: Uhhh...why?
Satan: Because this is where we put people who say “Pacific” when they mean “Specific.” It gives them solitude to reflect on the error of their ways.
Riley: Wow, so many of these crimes are insanely petty.
Satan: Like I told you, we work with what we can get.
Evelyn: Suggestion - what if, instead of boiling hot magma, it was nice, warm water, with bubbles?
Satan: Are you sure? That seems a little...I don’t know, mild?
Evelyn: You want people to come here, don’t you? So you can purge their sins with all your rusty hooks and stuff.
Satan: ...Yes.
Evelyn: Well, people are gonna be a lot happier with having their sins purged if it’s happening in a giant hot tub. That’s just [Hiccup] science. And maybe replace all these craggy rocks with golden sand, and some palm trees!
Satan: If you insist…
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers. POOF! Tropical, Hawaiian music, gently bubbling water, and the occasional seagull.
Evelyn: See? This place is a PARADISE now!
Riley: Even I have to admit this is nice. I’m craving soft serve ice cream.
Evelyn: Great idea, Riles! I feel like we should spend a couple hours here at least. You know, just to make sure the water’s fine, and to figure out this whole “ice cream” situation.
Satan: Next!
Evelyn: Wait, no—
SOUND: Satan snaps his fingers.
Evelyn: Aw rats, I was really enjoying that one.
SOUND: People scream. The cluckings of a terrifyingly large chicken.
Riley: Okay, you’ve gotta be shitting me. This whole thing must be some elaborate Scare Tactics, hidden camera bullshit. Where’s Tracey Morgan?
SOUND: The chicken makes vicious, gory pecking noises.
Evelyn: What’s with the giant chicken?
Satan: This section of Hell is for people who don’t properly season their chicken.
Riley: Oh come on, now you’re really reaching.
Satan: One makes do, Riley, one makes do. Every day, that giant chicken rises from the pit and pecks out their intestines. They heal overnight, and the process starts all over again in the morning. It’s the same chicken we used on Prometheus.
Riley: I cannot wait to see how you’re gonna try to polish this gargantuan turd.
Evelyn: Giant chicken rides!
Riley: [Exhausted] Of course.
Evelyn: Put a saddle on that bad boy and you’re good to go.
SOUND: Chicken squawks.
Satan: A saddle. Yes. That can be arranged.
Evelyn: This is surprisingly easy. How many sections are there left to renovate, Mr. Satan?
Satan: Hmmm. Well, there are nine levels, each containing multitudes of damned souls and specific chambers designed to deal out ironic punishments. So, carry the one, times by five, factor in that new circle we’re adding for people who chew with their mouth open, and we have...a lot of ground to cover.
Riley: I’ve gotta say, Hell is really living up to its reputation for me.
Satan: The Underworld.
Riley: Oh, fuck off.
SOUND: Evelyn slurps her milkshake.
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Breaking news fanfare.
Newscaster: We interrupt your regularly-scheduled programming to bring you some breaking news. It’s the latest teen energy drink craze, but the toxic chemicals used-
SOUND: Explosion, interrupting Newscaster. Airhorns, metal guitars and more explosions continue throughout.
Hasturade Spokesdemon: [Heavy Metal-esque growl] HASTURADE! The energy drink that contains so much energy you won’t be able to finish an entire can! We use all-unnatural ingredients and imbue each Hasturade we sell with enough demonic power to send your soul to ANOTHER DIMENSION! Staying up late to study for a test? One sip of HASTURADE will trap your consciousness in a pocket universe for CENTURIES – plenty of time to contemplate the answers to that test, and your own tortured immortality as you spend hundreds of years in the VOID. You will know hunger, but never starve. Just listen to this testimonial from a REAL HASTURADE DRINKER!
Confused Target Knight: So, uh, I was a knight in the 13th Century. I drank from the goblet and everything went…very fuzzy. The next thing I knew I was jerking off in a Target, saying things in Latin backwards – I don’t even know what a Target is!
Hasturade Spokesdemon: You know what he needs? HASTURADE AFTERCARE – NOW AVAILABLE IN ALL DARK ALLEYS! Can’t handle the existential dread of having your soul leave your body? Drink Hasturade Aftercare and it’ll just fucking kill you. HASTURADE – YOU START THE CAN, THE VOID FINISHES IT!
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: When we return, Evelyn is positively wasted. Riley is exhausted on a cellular level, and Satan is trying his best. He’s scrawling down notes with a pen.
Evelyn:...And like, instead of the eleven uninterrupted hours of Frank Sinatra, you could work maybe like, some Bon Jovi into the playlist?
Riley: I feel like my brain is about to melt out of my big, gray ears.
Satan: But Old Blue Eyes is timeless.
Evelyn: You wanna attract cool people down here, right? Lemme tell you a thing, Mister Devil Man. Cool people like Bon Jovi.
Satan: Well, you are a millennial, so I suppose I should defer to your experience.
Riley: It feels like we’ve been doing this for WEEKS. It has to be over soon, for the sake of whatever sanity I have left at this point.
Satan: You’re in luck, Riley. The giant blender for people who keep their money in tax havens was the last room.
Riley: YES! Oh god, yes! Thank merciful fuck!
Evelyn: This has legit been...the best...vacation...ever.
Riley: For you, maybe! For me it’s been...well, literally hell! Which it is! And if either of you try correcting me to “the Underworld”, I don’t care that one of you is the lord of darkness, I WILL THROW DOWN!
Evelyn: Did you know that super cute pirate lady Anne Bonney is down here? Cause [Hiccup] I sure do. If you catch my meaning. Wink wink, nudge nudge, if you know what I mean.
Riley: Yes, Evelyn, you’re gay we get it.
Satan: So, you’ve had me fill the river Styx with swan-shaped pedal boats. We’ve established whatever a “Fun Mountain” is over the hills of despair, and created a Hall of Presidents.
Evelyn: I’m still so impressed you had so many of the actual presidents’ souls there!
Satan: Yes, well, most of them owned slaves or were genocidal maniacs.
Evelyn: I also think having all the rides, the games, and the cotton-candy-corn-dog stands will really help bring people in.
Satan: I can’t thank you two enough for all this. Think of the countless tainted souls we’ll be able to save!
Evelyn: All in a day’s [Hiccup] work for the Less Is Morgue team.
Riley: We’ve been here for a lot longer than a day.
Satan: Let’s check in with Virgil and Mania, and see the fruits of our labour.
Riley: Are you going to teleport us again?
Satan: What? No, I’m just going to call them. It’s much easier.
Riley: [Grumbles] Whatever.
SOUND: Satan dials his minions, they pick up. On their end, there appears to be large crowds in the background.
Virgil: My Lord! It’s so good to hear from you again! We’ve missed you!
Mania: [Under her breath] Fucking kiss-ass...
Satan: Virgil, Mania, what’s the situation? Have the masses been receptive?
Virgil: Extremely! This place hasn’t been this crowded since that gas leak at the Animal Abuser’s Convention!
Satan: That’s fantastic! Tremendous! Positively splendid!
Mania: They’re loving all the new additions - especially the Fairytale Castle in the fields of desolation, and the cotton candy corn dogs!
Virgil: Which, by the way, are delicious. I can’t believe I’ve spent this whole eternity without food, it’s amazing! So much better than burning coals!
Mania: Even the demons are loving it! I just saw Baphomet on the teacup ride, Moloch has been playing Whack-A-Mole for hours, and Abaddon is on his fifth lime slushie! I haven’t seen them this happy to be here since, well, ever!
Satan: [Gleeful Laugh] Yes, Yes! The plan worked, Evelyn! You did it!
Evelyn: Yay! I reiterate: Best. Vacation. Ever!
Satan: Tell me, how are the new hellions? Are they wretched? Broken? Real fixer-uppers?
Mania: Well, uhhh…
Satan: Come on, come on. Tell me! The suspense is killing me!
Virgil: They’re, um…
Satan: [Scary Demon Voice] THEY’RE WHAT!?
Mania: Very polite.
Virgil: And friendly.
Mania: And accommodating.
[BEAT]
Satan: Begging your pardon?
Mania: [Afraid] They seem to be…
Virgil: [Afraid] Good people.
SOUND: BEEP. Satan hangs up. He is trapped in silent rage.
Evelyn: So, all’s well that ends well, right? [Giggle]
Riley: [Nervous] Read the room, Ev.
Satan: Good people.
Evelyn: What’s wrong with good people? I thought you were sick of people who never learned their lesson.
Satan: You can’t redeem good people, Evelyn. It defeats the point. It’s like putting toast back in the fucking toaster and expecting to get a slice of cold bread!
Evelyn: ...I’m too drunk for this. Can you use small words?
Satan: You’ve taken my beloved Underworld - my palace of glorious repentance! - and turned it into a cheap theme park for other pure-hearted, Nickelback-loving dorks! I wanted killers! Sex criminals! Robbers! Dictators! Assassins! Cannibals! Subtweeters! Fiends! You’ve ruined everything!
Evelyn: How was I supposed to know only good people would turn up? I bet sex criminals love cotton candy corn dogs, too!
Satan: But you know what they love even more? Doing sex crimes! They’re probably off in the public-masturbation trench coat afterlife right now, having a whale of a time and learning nothing!
Evelyn: Jeez, Satan, you’re being a real buzzkill!
Satan: [Demonic Voice] I AM THE BEAST! I AM THE POISONED STAR OF WORMWOOD! I AM THE SNAKE AT THE HEART OF THE WORLD! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE A BUZZKILL!
[BEAT]
Riley: I feel like we should probably bring this little vacation to an end.
Evelyn: I just don’t see why you’re so ticked off! Won’t all this help you make your sinners see the light? Cause if they’re having fun, they won’t be sad, and doesn’t all badness come from a sense of inner pain? They won’t want to be evil if they’re happy.
Satan: [Exhausted] Have you ever considered...that there are people out there...who do evil things because it makes them happy?
[BEAT]
Evelyn: I guess I didn’t think of that.
Riley: See, this is why I never try to see the good in people. It always ends badly.
Satan: I hope the two of you continue to embody a frankly angelic level of goodness for the rest of your time on Earth, because I never want to see either of you again. Because if ever I do, I will bring down the full extent of my unholy, demonic wrath upon you - and you will both know why they call me the Devil.
[A TORTUROUS PAUSE]
Evelyn: Can I keep the infinite milkshake cup?
Riley: Will you still send us all the audio?
Satan: [Demonic Voice] OUT!
SOUND: The recording cuts off. When it starts again, our duo is back in the basement. Evelyn has her ghost filter once more.
Riley: And we’re back, after our worst vacation since...Well, the last one. The floor’s fixed, so that’s nice. And Evelyn’s translucent again.
Evelyn: [Pained] Ohhhhh, my head is killing me. This is like the mother of all hangovers. I didn’t even know ghosts could feel pain!
Riley: I told you, dude, it’s hell liquor, it doesn’t fuck around.
Evelyn: At least Virgil and Mania sent us all the audio, that’s a plus. [Grunts in Pain] Is there such a thing as ghost aspirin?
Riley: I can’t believe we broke Hell. Doesn’t it just seem...surreal?
Evelyn: Honestly, I’m just happy to be back in the basement.
Riley: Me too, Ev. Me too.
Evelyn: So, what do you wanna do now?
Riley: My vote would be on getting some sleep for about...two weeks.
Evelyn: I’m missing my body already...
[END]