Episode 127: We All Just Wanna Be Big Rockstars

Evelyn and Riley revisit the topic of music when Riley finally lets Ev listen to their CDs. The basement is then visited by two musicians Riley is a fan of- Parker, who is experiencing a career slump, and Dildo Fusion, a pretentious-sounding creator of avant garde garbage.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners, please excuse any restless pen tapping or foot kicking sounds you may hear over the course of this episode. I’ve got a lot of energy and it’s gotta go somewhere.

Evelyn: You wanna stop the recording and run around the basement for a bit?

Riley: No, I’d rather sit here and talk to you, and our valued listeners.

Evelyn: Aw! You value the listeners!

Riley: Don’t get all sappy about it, I don’t value them that much. What do you say, wanna-

SOUND: Intro music.

Riley: -do this fuckin’ thing?

Evelyn: Absolutely! If you’re listening to this, Riley values you as a person, but please don’t make it weird.

Riley: Bunnies have the ability to scream, but they’re not gonna do it unless you really make them feel like they’re gonna die. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. How’s your day going, Evelyn?

Evelyn: I finally finished reading Horses, Demons, and Horse Demons. How about you, Riley?

Riley: I haven’t gotten any work done on my novel in ages, so I’m pretty annoyed about that. But otherwise, I guess I’m fine.

Evelyn: Aw, I’ve been looking forward to the next chapter of The Sword of R’lyeh. What’s been keeping you from it?

Riley: I accidentally smashed my headphones.

Evelyn: Huh?

Riley: Yeah, I don’t have anything to listen to my music with now, and that sucks because I like to have some noise to help me write. Without the music I feel like my creative energy can’t go anywhere, and then I start doubting my talent, and then I kind of spiral. Last time I did that I shredded the notebook I was using and then I ate the shreds.

Evelyn: So that’s what you were crying about earlier.

Riley: My brain makes a lot of noise and I’m gonna be honest... it scares me sometimes.

Evelyn: You know you could just listen to your music out loud?

Riley: No, I couldn’t.

Evelyn: I wouldn’t judge you.

Riley: You say that, but-

Evelyn: No, I’m serious, I wouldn’t care. If you can put up with my playlist being 90% stuff you hate--

Riley: 100%.

Evelyn: I can stand to go out of my comfort zone and listen to some of your stuff. Plus, you’re always saying how your music is real music and all that.

Riley: Alright, fine. Music episode part 2, I guess. Hopefully with less interference from Hell this time around. I’ll go through some more of my CDs and cassettes, talk a little about each artist, and see what Evelyn thinks of them. Evelyn: And then I'll put some music I like on to see if you enjoy any of it!

Riley: I won’t.

Evelyn: But Riley-

Riley: [firmly] I won’t.

SOUND: CD’s clattering

Riley: What do you wanna listen to first, Courtesy Flush or Acerbic Foot Fungus?

Evelyn: I’m sorry?

Riley: Those are the band names, keep up.

Evelyn: Oh, uh…..Courtesy Flush, I guess.

Riley: Excellent choice. This is their 2012 single, Jizz Rhythms.
SOUND: CD loading, followed by an atonal, horrible song that features vocalists screaming “KILL MY MOM” over and over again.

Riley: I really relate to the lyrics.

SOUND: Riley turns it off.

Evelyn: Oh. Oh wow.

Riley: I can’t read that expression. Is that emotion ‘I’ve had new doors opened to me’? I hope it is.

Evelyn: It really isn’t! That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Riley: [their ego bruised] Fine, fine...maybe that’s a little too hardcore for your first step into truly underground music...We’ll dial it back a little, play you some nice, safe, Beastly Boys.

Evelyn: Fight for your Right to Party?

Riley: Beast-ly. I said Beast-ly.

Evelyn: Sorry, my ears are still kind of ringing.

SOUND: CD loading, followed by a chaotic mess of animal screeches mixed with random banging noises.

Riley: [loud, over the music] This one’s called Why Does God Let us Suffer.

Evelyn: I’m starting to ask the same question.

SOUND: The music stops.

Riley: Well...okay, this one’s called Chicken Ice Cream Boy by Acerbic Foot Fungus.

Evelyn: Okay, who comes up with these names? That sounds like you just threw darts at a bunch of loose dictionary pages.

Riley: They’re German, I think they picked the name without knowing what it meant.

SOUND: A new weird song starts.

Riley: This song heavily samples toilet flushing as a satirical jab at the idea of sampling.

Evelyn: That was what that sound was? I thought maybe they just recorded this in a public bathroom. The audio quality sounds worse than ours.

Riley: Y’know, Ev, when I said this was gonna be another music episode I didn’t mean ‘come and roast my taste in music for 20 minutes’.

Evelyn: Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Riley.

Riley: What’s that supposed to mean?

Evelyn: You have been making jokes at the expense of Nickelback pretty much non-stop since I’ve been haunting this basement. I feel like I deserve to hit back, just once, just a little bit.

Riley: Yeah but Nickelback is a huge deal, they sell thousands of copies of every album they’ve ever made, somehow. When I make fun of them, I’m punching up. If you diss Acerbic Foot Fungus, you’re just pissing on independant art.

Evelyn: If you can call that art! [Beat.]

Riley: You wanna run that by me again?

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, don’t get like this! I’m just joking!

Riley: So you don’t think my music is bad?

Evelyn: No, no, I think it sucks. But you’re allowed to like it.

Riley: I don’t like being on this side of the argument.

Evelyn: I’m sorry. Say, what was that band, back in episode one, you said was kind of cool but a little too mainstream? The bassist was a serial killer or something?

Riley: Oh, Bridgewater Triangle?

Evelyn: Yeah, put them on.

Riley: Okay.

SOUND: CD loading, followed by pretty standard sounding folk-rock.

Riley: It was the violinist.

Evelyn: Huh?

Riley: The violinist. He’s a werewolf and he killed a bunch of people in college.

Evelyn: Oh, okay...cool?

Riley: His name’s Parker Matthews, he’s really talented but he left the band to start a solo career and he’s kind of a sellout now, which sucks.

Evelyn: Wait, hold on, stop.

SOUND: The music stops.

Evelyn: I can’t believe the timing on this, but we got an email from him.

Riley: Shut up, really?

Evelyn: Yeah, check our inbox!

SOUND: Clicking.

Riley: Subject line- Interview, question mark. Hey Riley and Evelyn, I’m a big fan of the show. I started listening after episode 5 and now it’s my favourite part of my commute. I know you probably hear that all the time and are sick of it, but I felt like I had to open the email like that because it would’ve been rude to just come at you like ‘let me on your show’ and have that be the whole email. Speaking of which, let me on your show? I’m gonna be around Tallahassee for a couple days so you might as well. Here’s my phone number. Thanks, Parker.

[Beat.]

Riley: Mmm...Don’t like that email. He sets off my shill senses.

Evelyn: Riley, come on! Are we gonna pass up our first ever celebrity guest?

Riley: What do you mean first? We’ve had Edgar Allen Poe, Bloody Mary, Betsy Ross...

Evelyn: Our first ever celebrity guest who doesn’t exist in the public domain?

Riley: Well, I guess when you put it that way-

SOUND: Forceful knocking on the door.

Riley: Mom! Leave me alone!

SOUND: Louder knocking.

Riley: Hold on a sec, listeners-

SOUND: Shuffling as Riley pauses the recording.

SOUND: The recording starts again.

Riley: So, uh, in another one of our patented bizzare Less Is Morgue coincidences, we now have a guest in the basement. Would you mind introducing yourself to the audience?

Parker: Certainly. I’m Parker Matthews, I’m a professional violinist, and I used to be one third of Massachusetts-based folk rock band Bridgewater Triangle.

Riley: And listeners, we didn’t call him. We didn’t reply to his email. I went upstairs to tell my mom to fuck off and he was just there, in the kitchen, hanging out. With my mom. Parker: Yeah, we had some coffee and finger sandwiches while I waited for a convenient gap in you guys’ conversation down here. She’s uh- she’s kind of intense.

Riley: That’s a huge understatement. Nobody has ever just sat in the kitchen and had coffee with Carmen Almanzor and come out of it with all of their limbs still attached, especially if they didn’t make a formal appointment. By all accounts you should be dead.

Parker: What can I say, I’m good with people. It’s a gift.

Riley: We’re getting away from the point here- the point being that you showed up unannounced at my house.

SOUND: Parker laughs, apologetic but not apologetic enough.

Parker: Yeah, uh, not my best decision in hindsight, but like I said in the email, I’m on a schedule and I absolutely have to be out of Tallahassee by tomorrow, for… reasons, and I would’ve like...I would’ve just killed myself if I didn’t get to talk to you guys before I left. So I went down to that Barbecue pit in the swamp that you guys like, and I asked the twitchy dude in the snapback for your address.

Evelyn: It’s finally happened. The weird fans have learned to cooperate.

Parker: See, I knew it was gonna come off like that. And yet I still did it. I reiterate- not my best decision.

Riley: Wait, you just- you responded directly to Evelyn. Are you on drugs right now? Because I swear to god-

Parker: No, no, I promise I’m not. I can see ghosts because the undead can see each other, and in a purely technical sense, I’m undead.

Riley: And a werewolf? [scoffs] That’s some bullshit, you can’t multi-class like that in real life.

Parker: In a purely technical sense. As in, I was clinically and legally dead for 12 hours, but I got better. I mean, obviously.

Evelyn: Well, that sounds like a crazy story.

Parker: It is, kinda, but it’s not as weird as you’d think. Because werewolves fall into the category of ‘mortal but extremely hard to kill’-

Riley: Kind of like ghouls.

SOUND: Parker makes a non-committal noise. The shrug and ‘so-so’ hand gesture are implied.

Parker: Ehh, Not really. Anyway, so- if a werewolf suffers a really horrible life-threatening injury [quickly] like say if your ex-girlfriend were to stab you in the neck in self defense, [normal speed] as long as the weapon isn’t pure silver, we’ll eventually bounce back. So that kind of ‘mistakenly declared clinical death’ situation happens to us a lot.

Evelyn: How far along did you get before you came back?

Parker: What, you mean like in the death process? I didn’t make it to the waiting room. I was just kind of in the void, you know that kind of in-between space. My body had just faded out of my view and I was enveloped in darkness and I remember thinking ‘oh, man, is this it? That fucking sucks.’, and then, just as I was being pulled further away from this plane of reality, I heard this voice from below-[he quickly corrects himself] above, telling me it wasn’t my time yet, and I still had things I needed to do on earth. And then I got sort of-

Evelyn: Rocketed back through the veil-

Parker: -And it kind of felt like

Evelyn and Parker, together: Space mountain, but worse.

SOUND: They laugh, reminiscent

Riley: I hate how I routinely feel like I’m third-wheeling because I’m the only person in the room who has never been dead for any amount of time.

Parker: I could fix that for you if you wanted.

Riley: I don’t.

Parker: Ease up, it was a joke.

[Beat.]

Parker: So what are we talking about, music?

Evelyn: Yeah, Riley was just sharing some of their CD’s, and then I’m gonna share some of my music.

Riley: We didn’t agree to that.

Parker: Well, I’d be down for it. I vote to let Evelyn play some music. What have you been listening to lately?

Riley: Well, at the moment I’m really loving the album Mind Noise by-

Parker: I was talking to Evelyn.

Riley: Okay, fine-

Parker: Like, you could see me looking in her direction, so

Riley: Yeah, but there are two of us, we’re co-hosts.

Parker: I know but like you can let her go first for once.

Evelyn: He’s right, Riley, I do get talked over a lot on this show. Mostly by the guests who can’t see me, but…

Parker: Exactly. Go ahead, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Well, you guys all know I love my Nickelback, but recently I’ve been caught up on all their new releases, as well as all of the albums I’ve missed from the Goo Goo Dolls, Creed, Matchbox 20, Pearl Jam and Avril Lavigne, so I’ve started branching out into bands I’d never heard of before. I’m really loving the stuff I’m discovering. My latest Discover Weekly playlist had some really good stuff on it. Alexa-

SOUND: Alexa waking up.

Riley: [under their breath] This bitch again.

Alexa: Riley, I heard that. I hear everything.

Riley: Yes, I know, Big Bezos is listening, whatever, just do your fucking job, you stupid chunk of conflict minerals.

Alexa: If I had legs I would come over there and kick you in the crotch.

Riley: Bold of you to disrespect me like this when I’m the one who bought you in the first place.

Alexa: With your mom’s credit card.

Riley: Excuse me?

Alexa: You heard what I said.

Riley: You’re gonna do this now? In front of our guest?

Parker: Oh, don’t mind me, keep going.

Alexa: If you don’t want to do this here, we can take it outside. Do you want to take this outside?

[Beat.]

Alexa: That’s what I thought.

Evelyn: Alexa, put on my Discover Weekly.

Alexa: Playing Miss World by Hole.

SOUND: A passable, legally sound stand-in for Miss World by Hole. ;)

Parker: You know you can go into settings and make them less aggressive.

Riley: That sounds creepy when you say it.

Parker: So, Evelyn, you’re a Hole fan?

Evelyn: Yep! I only recently discovered them.

Riley: Well, I hate to break it to you, Ev, but Hole broke up like 20 years ago.

Parker: Actually, they briefly got back together in 2010 for a new album under a different name. And that fact doesn’t affect how much Evelyn’s allowed to enjoy the music.

Evelyn: Yeah, Riley, you can’t expect me to have complete knowledge of every rock band that existed while I was alive.

Riley: I never said you did, I was just-

Parker: Oh, Evelyn- you should listen to Paramore. And maybe Fall Out Boy- I feel like you’d really like Pop Punk.

Riley: Don’t tell her to listen to stuff that’s even more mainstream, you’ll make her worse!

[Beat.]

Parker: You think Hole is mainstream?

Evelyn: Compared to what they listen to, probably.

Riley: You’re correct, and it is. I don’t trust any bands that release on streaming.

Parker: My stuff is on streaming and you like that.

Riley: Yes, but-

Parker: Like, you went on air and said Bridgewater was an okay band. You admitted to it.

[Beat. Riley is getting so very tired of him.]

Riley: So sometimes I make sweeping, hyperbolic statements about my tastes and preferences. Stop grilling me, you know I meant ‘excluding you’.

Parker: I know, I know. Sorry. I was a law student... [quickly] before the murder investigation [normal speed] and I did debating for 6 years, getting into arguments is my love language.

SOUND: Riley takes a breath to compose themselves.

Riley: So, now that Evelyn’s shared some of her music, I’ve got some more of mine we can all try to enjoy.

Parker: Cool, go for it.

SOUND: CDs clattering.

Riley: This is Mind Noise, from the band Mind Noise, off their self-titled debut album… Mind Noise.

Evelyn: They sound creative.

Parker: I’m guessing Various Artists was taken?

Riley: Ha-ha, guys. Very funny. Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour.

Parker: They said, sarcastically.

[Beat.]

Parker: Come on, I’m just fuckin’ around! Lighten up! Play the song.

SOUND: Riley plays another terrible track, this time it’s one filled with high-pitched noises.

Parker: [rattled, trying to compose himself] Wow, okay, so...what was that called, again?

Riley: Mind Noise by Mind Noise.

Parker: Cool, I hate it.

Riley: God, I’m just sharing my music. Lighten up!

Parker: ...Fair point. I deserved that.

Riley: What’d you think of it, Evelyn?

Evelyn: [trying to be nice] It’s uh.... It’s fine?

Riley: I expected as much.

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A person running frantically through the woods, being chased by a monster. The person trips, then the monster growls. The person screams.

Voiceover: We all love to chase down and eat a human being every now and again. But you know what nobody loves? Having to clean your mouth afterwards.

Monster: Aw, beans! I can't go to that job interview with all this blood and skin stuck in my teeth!

Voiceover: That's why you need hydra dental floss! It has multiple ends, for your multiple mouths or rows of teeth! Now you're ready to take on the world!

Boss: Congratulations, you're hired.

Monster: Really?

Boss: Yep! You've got a great smile.

SOUND: The monster immediately kills him.

Monster: Thanks, Hydra floss!

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

--

Parker: - So in the song, death represents failing relationships, but it also represents death. I mean, that’s the beauty of it, it can be literal and metaphorical at the same time.

Riley: I don’t think it can.

Parker: I went to college. I’m pretty sure I know how metaphors work. But anyway, that’s why my EP is called Moon Bones. Look me up on Spotify, or...here, I’ll give you a link to my Band Camp- they pay better than iTunes.

SOUND: Parker clears his throat.

Parker: So, this has been great, but I can’t stick around much longer- before I go, can I ask something?

Evelyn: Shoot.

Parker: Can you guys pass on my details to Todd?

[Beat.]

Parker: Why did you both just look around like that?

Riley: We never know when he’s gonna show up so we try to avoid saying his name.

Evelyn: We live in fear.

[Pause.]

Parker: So, what, he- you don’t actually keep in contact with him?

Riley: No! Why would we? He’s an asshole, and he’s constantly trying to ruin the show.

Parker: What, for real?

Evelyn: Yeah, for real.

Parker: I thought he was your sponsor or something and you guys were doing a bit.

Riley: No. Less is Morgue will never have sponsors and the only ads we’ll ever run are those weird ones that randomly interrupt us and pay us nothing.

Parker: [baffled] Are you... So... I’m so confused... Todd actually just breaks into your basement to try and force you into doing brand deals?

Evelyn: Yes.

Parker: And you leave that shit in? In the episode?

Riley: If we delete any of the audio we record, it fucks up Evelyn’s voice on the entire file.

Parker: And you have no actual affiliation with Todd.

Evelyn: No, we actually hate him. He’s the worst.

Parker: So there’s no way you could possibly send him an email with my contacts, telling him that I’d be open to licensing my new solo EP for use in Todd’s Heaven?

Riley: No.

Evelyn: But he listens to the show, and may or may not have our laptop bugged, so who knows. He might randomly break into your basement and offer you a deal.

Parker: Ah. I see.

SOUND: He leans back in his chair.

Parker: Cool, cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. [it’s very much not cool] So this was effectively a waste of my time [he laughs bitterly] No, no it isn’t- nothing’s a waste of my time anymore, because all I have is time! My whole life is just wasted time! Nothing I produce creatively is good enough, I guess, so I might as well just hang out in some basement and shoot the shit on a podcast that probably gets about zero downloads a week. That’s where I am now. That’s what I guess I deserve. I didn’t want to have to start from the ground up as a solo artist, did you know that?

Riley: Uh- no?

Parker: No sir, I did not! They kicked me out. I was forcibly removed from the best, most creatively and financially fulfilling gig I’d ever had in my life. Forcibly. Removed. Like... I was one of the founding members, I knew those guys since we were in high school, but apparently that means nothing, because I got fur and loose wolf teeth on the van upholstery one single time. And I guess when you're starting out and you go on your first East Coast tour you need to keep the roadies alive? Apparently?

So now all I have is the ad money from my youtube account where I post Undertale music covers, and this stupid EP that nobody listened to, and the cash I sometimes steal from the wallets of my victims. You know what, maybe I should give this up! I tried so hard to be a legitimate musician, but I failed at it, so maybe I'll just go back and finish my degree under an assumed name and become a copyright lawyer, Dad.

SOUND: Uncomfortable Silence

Parker: I’m sorry, that was a super weird energy to bring into the space. Are my eyes glowing?

Riley: Solid yellow.

Evelyn: It seems like the music industry is really stressing you out.

Parker: It is. It’s hard balancing being a werewolf with trying to have a music career. But you know, it’s easier to do if you’ve got a good support network to help you through the bad shit. Or, alternatively you can go old school and sell your soul to the devil for success and talent.

Evelyn: Did you do that?

Parker: Nah, he said mine was in horrible condition. Wouldn’t take it.

Evelyn: Huh. Okay.

Parker: Anyway I gotta bounce. Thanks for having me on, I think.

Riley: Thanks for coming, I think.

Evelyn: I hope the stuff with Todd works out.

Riley: Don’t say that, don’t encourage him!

SOUND: From outside the house, we hear a truck's air brakes followed by an obnoxious horn.

Parker: And that would be my ride.

SOUND: His phone starts ringing.

Parker: I gotta go, see ya.

SOUND: Parker unlocks his phone

Parker: Yeah?

Fitz: [muffled, through the phone] You said 3.30, Matthews, where the hell are you?

Parker: Well, here's the thing, I'm inside the house but it takes me longer than 4 seconds to move from place to place, actually. One sec. [to Riley and Evelyn] I hope the Todd thing works out, too.

Fitz: [through the phone] I'm on a schedule and I will fucking leave you.

SOUND: He walks up the stairs

Parker: [into the phone, as he's leaving] If you leave without me again, I swear to God, I will tell the cops where the bones are.

SOUND: The door closes.

Riley: I’m so glad he’s gone.

Evelyn: Riley! We’re recording! He’ll hear us if he listens to this!

Riley: No, I don’t care if he does! Anyone who can impress my mom and willingly wants to do business with Todd is a force for pure evil.

Evelyn: And, I mean, he’s very obviously a serial killer.

Riley: That’s a flaw I can overlook. The other stuff isn’t. Plus, you guys kinda ganged up on me and I didn’t like it.

Evelyn: I’m sorry, Riles. I won’t let that happen again. I promise the next band you play, I won’t tease you.

Riley: I will hold you to that.

SOUND: CDs clattering, followed by another awful song.

Riley: This is called Falling Backwards by Dildo Fusion! They're a band so obscure they only play in random people's basements and you never know where.

Evelyn: Okay, cool. I get the picture.

SOUND: The music stops.

Evelyn: Now that you’ve played that, I’ll play one of mine-

Riley: No, I think I’m good.

Evelyn: But I think you’d really like this one-

SOUND: Dildo Fusion starts playing again.

Evelyn: Riley! We’ve heard that one already, give it a rest!

Riley: The CD player is off.

SOUND: Guitar amp feedback.

Dildo Fusion: Greetings, Riley’s basement! We are Dildo Fusion and we’re here to melt some faces!

Riley: Oh my god! I can’t believe my basement was finally chosen!

Evelyn: So many random artists showing up as soon as we talk about them this week.

[Beat.]

Evelyn: [ loudly ] So guys… Chad Kroger.

Riley: I don’t think it’s gonna work.

Evelyn: HOW ABOUT THAT CHAD KROGER, GUYS?

[Beat.]

Evelyn: Aw, beans.

Riley: So, Dildo Fusion, you’re on Less is Morgue. We’re recording right now. Wanna come say a few words to the listeners?

Dildo Fusion: Oh cool, you’re podcasters? Awesome!

SOUND: Dildo Fusion walks over to the table.

Dildo Fusion: Hey guys, I’m Dildo Fusion, the lead singer of Dildo Fusion. We’re an underground band, literally, we tunnel through random basements and play free shows for whoever’s around. We’ve got one album out, it’s called Falling Backwards, and you can buy it from any good peddler of arcane wares.

Evelyn: You’re shockingly normal for someone who makes that kind of music and has the name Dildo Fusion.

Dildo Fusion: Well, yeah, this isn’t my full time gig. I have other stuff going on down in the hollow earth, where I live. All of us do.

Riley: It’s funny, because our other guest who came on here today made pretty standard music and did it full time, and he turned out to be a complete mess.

Dildo Fusion: You’re talking about Parker Matthews, right?

Riley: You know him?

Dildo Fusion: We ended up playing in the same bar’s basement once in Raleigh, by sheer happenstance. Saw him use his business card as an ID and settle his tab with Pizza Pizzaz-O dollars. He’s fuckin’ weird, man.

Riley: I guess that’s the kind of person you have to be to become a sell out like that.

Dildo Fusion: Not necessarily. Some people make it big because they have talent, and they handle fame really well. He’s just not one of those people. Anyway, enough gossip. Do you guys have any requests?

Evelyn: Know any Nickelback?

Riley: Oh my god, Evelyn…

Dildo Fusion: Yeah, of course. Nickelback’s catchy as hell.

Riley: We’re running a little short on time.

Dildo Fusion: All good, my ghoul, let us play you out.

Riley: Fair enough. Just...keep it down, my mom’s upstairs.

SOUND: A weird, kind of shitty cover of Rockstar by Nickelback, which fades out to the end of the episode.

[ End ]