Episode 126: Electric Fan

When Riley and Evelyn’s attempts to exorcise Pizza Ghost Jon inadvertently cut the power to the whole house, Riley’s mum calls in a weirdly intense Australian electrician who turns out to be a huge fan of the podcast.

+Transcript

Riley: Alright listeners, no banter at the top of the show this week because Evelyn and I are on borrowed time.

Evelyn: No banter? None? That seems a little drastic-

Riley: My battery just dropped from 90 to 89 percent, Evelyn. I’m serious.

Evelyn: Fair enough. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Riley: We cut the power to the house. By accident, I should clarify. We were trying to exorcise the ghost in my bathroom--

Evelyn: His name is Jon.

Riley: Yeah, Jon, whatever - we tried to do this ritual that we read online, because no way am I gonna call a priest, or two priests, to come down here and try and get rid of the ghost of someone I killed. That’s a whole can of worms I don’t want to open. But we….well….

Evelyn: We hecked it up.

Riley: We hecked it the heck up. So now the power’s out. Okay, disclaimer out of the way--

[ INTRO MUSIC ]

Riley: Let’s do the intro. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. This week, inspired by our little exorcism debacle earlier in the day, I thought Ev and I could talk a little about some of our favourite fake online rituals.

Evelyn: Yeah, you were telling me earlier about those ‘how to will your hair to grow faster’ videos and I gotta say, that’s one of the things I’m glad I missed the boat on.

Riley: So you never tried any stupid rituals you saw online?

Evelyn: I mean, I may have tried to cast a love spell or two in my day. But that was all stuff from books of spells you’d find in new-age stores, you know, peer-reviewed stuff.

SOUND: The basement door creaking open, followed by descending footsteps.

Riley: I once tried to manifest the Jonas Brothers in a lucid dream--[Their sentence trails off.]

Beat

Riley: ...Hi.

Jarrod: How’s it goin’?

Riley: Get out of my room.

Jarrod: I’m an electrician… I was told the fuse box was down here.

SOUND: Jarrod holds up and gently rattles his box of electrician’s tools. Riley gets out of their chair and stomps over to the stairs.

Riley: [Yelling up through the door] Mom! Mom!

Evelyn: [to the audience] Just bear with us, listeners. [to Riley] She just left for work, didn’t she?

Riley: Ah, shit, you’re right.

Jarrod: I didn’t say anything.

Riley: Be silent! [to Evelyn] You know, I told her to stop doing this but she never fucking listens - she knows my history, she knows I do a podcast, and yet she never warns me when people are coming down here.

Jarrod: Oh, is that what that setup there is? Youse recording a podcast?

Riley: [bitter] Yeah, I would be.

Jarrod: Don’t stop on my account, I’ll stay out of your hair.

[BEAT]

Jarrod: Wait a second! I thought I recognised the name ‘Almanzor’- You’re Riley, right?

Riley: [defensive] Who says?

Jarrod: This is Less is Morgue, isn’t it? Fuckin’ ripper, I love this bloody show. Where’s Evelyn? She around?

Evelyn: Hi, electrician!

Jarrod: Ah, I suppose it’s a dumb thing to ask since nobody can see or hear her except the other undead beings, Florida Man, the sea captain, and that one guest who came in on a bunch of drugs.

Riley: Oh god, you really do listen to the show.

Jarrod: Name’s Jarrod, Jarrod McKnight. I tweet at your account every time I listen to an episode. How come you’ve never replied?

Riley: I don’t- uh… Give us a second. The fuses are in that closet under the stairs.

SOUND: Riley goes over to Evelyn and Jarrod goes to the fusebox.

Riley: [stage whisper] I know this guy. I muted him on twitter because every time he listens to us he makes the exact same tweet and it got really irritating.

Evelyn: What should we do?

Riley: If he tries anything creepy, we kill him.

Evelyn: But then he’d just be sticking around as a ghost and that’d be worse.

Riley: Shit. You’re absolutely right.

Jarrod: [from the other side of the room] Here’s the issue - shouldn’t be too hard to sort out. I’ll just need to replace these parts here.

Riley: That’s good! You’ll be able to get out of here as soon as possible.

Jarrod: Nah, nah, don’t let me get in your way! Just keep on recording like I’m not here.

[BEAT]

Riley: So anyway, like I was saying, when I was 12 I tried to summon the Jonas Brothers in a lucid dream using a method that I found on some forum--

Jarrod: You know what? You know what, though? People just don’t have any respect for electricity, and I’ll tell you what - that’s everything that’s wrong with society today.

[BEAT]

Jarrod: You know who had respect for electricity? Frankenstein. They all told him, oh, you can’t raise the dead, you can’t create new life from pieces of other things, but you know what? He did it. And you know why?

[BEAT]

Riley: Was it because he knew how to respect electricity?

Jarrod: Yeah, it was.

Riley: You know Frankenstein is a novel, right? Like… it’s fiction.

Jarrod: [he genuinely did not know this] Oh yeah?

Riley: Yeah, it’s like… fully fictional.

Jarrod: Maybe so. You could have something there.

Riley: No, I know I’m objectively right.

SOUND: Electrical noises.

Jarrod: Alright, that looks promising. Let’s, uh… let’s make sure it’s all working properly.

SOUND: Jarrod crosses the room and starts flipping switches on the walls.

Jarrod: Lights… all good. Air con… all good. Is this the door to the bathroom?

Riley: I would prefer you to use the one upstairs.

Jarrod: Nah, nah, I just wanted to see--

SOUND: Door opening.

Jarrod: Is Jon in here?

Jon: Yes.

Jarrod: I can’t see him, I don’t know why I’m asking. Jon’s great, really brings a lot to the podcast.

Riley: Jon’s barely in any of the episodes.

Jarrod: He’s been in most of my favourites. Bathroom lights are all working fine… Hey Jon, knock something over.

Jon: You’re not the boss of me.

Evelyn: Come on, Jon, humour him.

SOUND: Jon sighs and throws a tube of toothpaste on the ground. Jarrod hoots excitedly.

Jarrod: Yes! You gun! You beauty!

SOUND: Jarrod laughs, sighs, then returns to work.

Jarrod: TV, fine... oh, shit, hey, Riley? Mate?

Riley: I’m not your mate, buddy.

Jarrod: Can I fire up the ol’ Silverstream box for a tick?

Riley: I don’t see why, it’s hooked up to the TV and not to the power socket--

Jarrod: Show me Morby.

Riley: Are you serious?

Jarrod: I’m not here to fuck spiders, Riles. I wanna see Morby.

Riley: (baffled) No, you don’t!

Jarrod: C’mon, I love that little bastard! Lemme see Morby!

SOUND: Jarrod clicking through the suggestions on Silverstream.

Riley: He almost absorbed the universe.

Jarrod: Nah, we’ll be right, I just wanna see Morby.

SOUND: End of Paramount Heathers theme tune - if it had one? God knows, nobody watched it.

Veronica: [on the TV] But JD, won’t the fact that our plan hinges on being able to hack Heather Chandler’s snapchat account seem really dated by the time this episode actually airs?

JD: [on the TV] Veronica, darling, you have to be current to be timeless. Isn’t that right, Morby?

Morby: [on the TV] Morby senses that someone is paying attention.

Jarrod: Ohhhh look, there he is! It’s Morby! I loved your episode, Morby.

Riley: That’s enough!

SOUND: Morby starts trying to leave the TV but Riley wrestles the remote away from Jarrod and turns it off. In the process, the power gets cut again.

Riley: Nice going, idiot. The power’s out again.

Jarrod: [tuts] Must be a more complex problem than I initially thought. Might have to order new parts in.

SOUND: Jarrod walks back to the fuse box.

Riley: If this guy doesn’t fucking leave- [to Evelyn] How are we doing for battery life?

Evelyn: 75.

Riley: Good enough.

Jarrod: So lemme ask youse something-

Riley: Please don’t.

Jarrod: What was your favourite guest you’ve ever had on? I think mine was that sheila with the Russian ghost yelling at her. Or, no - maybe when you talked about investments. You know what - I’ve got some thoughts on what that Blackbeard guy was saying. I think he had some good points, but I’ve been running my own business as a sparky for years so I’ve got plenty of experience-

SOUND: Electricity noises.

Jarrod: Oh, there it is- yep. There’s your problem right there.

Riley: [grumbling] You’re the only problem here….

SOUND: Riley’s dad knocking on the door. He opens it.

Teddy: Hey, sport - what’s going on down here?

Riley: Just down here with the electrician, dad.

Evelyn: Hi, Teddy!

SOUND: Riley’s dad comes down the stairs.

Teddy: Hey, hi, I’m Teddy, how’s everything?

Jarrod: G’day Ted, just giving the ol’ fuse box a bit of a captain cook - it looked like it was fixed but it’s actually a much more complex issue.

Teddy: Huh, okay.

Jarrod: See that, right there?

Teddy: Yeah.

Jarrod: Initially it just looked like a simple circuit overload.

Teddy: Makes sense.

Jarrod: But it shorted out again, so I went back in to take another squiz at it, and I found that.

Teddy: [has no idea what it is but is pretending to] Hm. Yeah.

Jarrod: You see that?

Teddy: Yeah, I see that. I mean, I obviously know exactly what that is, but you may want to say it out loud for Riley’s benefit.

Riley: Oh, I don't care, don't worry about it.

Teddy: Well, um, maybe just say it anyway? For luck?

[BEAT]

Jarrod: You’ve got an ectoplasmic build up in your circuit breaker. Bloody thing’s absolutely chockers with the stuff.

Teddy: Exactly what I thought.

Jarrod: You’re lucky your missus called me and not anyone else, because a lesser sparky would’ve missed that and then you’d have been paying for them to come out twice.

Teddy: Oh, absolutely. So, uh, anything I can do to help out?

Jarrod: Nah, nah… Might need you to hop up the apples and pears, out to the servo, and pick me up some white candles so I can cleanse this hardware.

Teddy: Okay, there were enough context clues for me to understand that request.

Jarrod: You bloody beauty. I won’t charge you extra for this, though - since I’m such a fan of your kid’s podcast, I’ll be willing to give you mates’ rates.

Teddy: [to Riley] You recording your podcast down here, Riley?

Riley: Yes, dad, I was.

Teddy: Well that’s just great. And you say hi to Adeline for me, okay?

Riley: Her name is Evelyn, I told you.

Teddy: It sure is, champ.

Riley: If you and mom actually listened to the show, like I asked you to, you’d know Evelyn is real.

Teddy: I know, we’ll get around to it. Don’t distract Jarrod too much, okay?

[JARROD SUDDENLY SEEMS FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS]

Jarrod: Evelyn is real.

Teddy: [you can hear the wink] Yeah, I know.

Jarrod: No, don’t come the raw prawn with me, mate, she is.

Teddy: You’re gripping my shoulder a little tight there, buddy.

Jarrod: How dare you. Riley’s your own fuckin’ kid and you should listen to their show. It’s a bloody fantastic piece of audio entertainment.

Teddy: Mr. McKnight, you're hurting me.

Riley: Uh, Jarrod? Maybe take a chill pill?

Jarrod: No can do, Riley. Sometimes, you've gotta make an example of someone.

SOUND: Jarrod unsheathes a huge blade.

Teddy: Why on earth do you carry that knife!?

Jarrod: It’s a safeguard, in case things get nasty.

Teddy: You’re making things nasty!

Riley: Jarrod, Jarrod, just stop? Okay? I'll, uh, quote-tweet you after the episode drops.

Jarrod: Really?

Riley: Yes, really! Just please don't gut my dad. Mom would be pissed.

SOUND: Jarrod sheathes his blade.

Jarrod: Sorry mate, didn’t mean to get so aggro, but you know how it gets when your favourite podcast is on the line. No hard feelings?

Teddy: Uh...alright...so I’ll go get those candles?

Jarrod: You apologise to Evelyn first.

Teddy: Uh...Rye-Rye, where’s Evelyn right now?

Riley: By the desk.

Teddy: Hey Evelyn, sorry I dismissed your existence.

Evelyn: It’s no big deal.

Riley: Evelyn says it’s fine.

Teddy: Alright. Well, uh...I’m gonna go.

Jarrod: Cheers, Ted.

Riley: So, while the men try and fix the electricity … my battery’s at 69%.

Jarrod and Evelyn: Nice.

Riley: I think we’ve got time left. Evelyn, what were you saying earlier about the love spell?

Evelyn: Well, it’s not that great of a story-

Riley: Just tell it, kill some time.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, so...I went into this new age bookstore when I was 14-

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Twee guitar music starts playing.

Todd: Hi, everybody. It’s me, Todd. You might remember when I came on this show to tell you all about Todd’s Heaven, Ars Socia, Tinder But For Ghosts, and other amazing products. Well, I’m here to tell you about a new addition to the Todd Family. Listen- mental health is a really serious topic, one that we should all be talking about more often. We live in difficult times, full of social turmoil, job and school stress, family problems, general existential dread, and sometimes we all need help getting through the day. But therapy can be expensive, and good therapists can be hard to find. That’s why I’m unveiling my new subscription service- Todd Thoughts. If you sign up for Todd Thoughts, we’ll send daily positive affirmations and self care reminders directly into your brain. It’ll push out all of your intrusive thoughts and negative self-talk.

SOUND: The music glitches slightly.

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SOUND: The music returns to normal, as does Todd’s voice.

Todd: Sign up for Todd Thoughts with the promo code ‘Less is morgue’ and get your first year of hassle-free thought for free! Todd Thoughts- why worry?

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: - So it was a failure, but in a way, it was really a success. Except the part where everyone got salmonella.

Riley: That was, like most of the stories you tell me, weirdly heartwarming.

Evelyn: Thanks. I’m glad you let me tell it.

SOUND: The door opens and Teddy comes downstairs.

Teddy: Here are those candles you wanted.

Jarrod: Cheers, big ears. Make a circle and light ‘em, would ya?

Evelyn: Aw, the audio glitched.

Riley: Doesn’t matter, this episode is such a shitshow we’ll probably re-do it some other time.

SOUND: Jarrod sprints over to the desk.

Jarrod: Did the audio cock up? Was it one of those ads?

Riley: Uhh...you’re sweating a lot right now.

Jarrod: Fuckin’ love those bloody ads! You know that one where Zeus is selling the condoms? Absolute classic.

Riley: How’s that electricity going, Jarrod?

Jarrod: I don’t think I like your tone.

Riley: Oh, really?

Jarrod: You know what makes me a good electrician?

Riley: I really don’t.

Jarrod: I’m a good electrician because the wires speak to me. You and everyone else, you don’t respect the electricity. Electricity is in everything and we just expect it to do our bidding? You’re fucking joking. You’ve gotta get on its level. I know how to do that. You don’t.

Riley: I just wish you would do that and stop interrupting my podcast to tell me things about my podcast.

Jarrod: You should be thankful! I’m a fan, I’m complimenting you!

Teddy: Riley, just leave him alone so he can do his job, okay?

Riley: Dad, are you serious?

Jarrod: Oh, right, I’ve gotta do this thing.

Riley: Yeah, you do!

Teddy: [stern] Riley.

Riley: Dad!

SOUND: Jarrod walks back to the fuse box.

Jarrod: Alright, now it’s time to work my magic.

SOUND: Ominous crackling.

Evelyn: He’s literally shooting electricity out of his hands.

Riley: What the fuck, why didn’t he do that before?

SOUND: The crackling gets louder, then quietens.

Jarrod: Okay, you should be all home and hosed now, mate.

Teddy: So do you want me to do anything else with this-

Jarrod: No, don’t-

SOUND: Electricity noises.

Jarrod: Ted, you absolute fucking dingo. If you weren’t the old man of the host of my favourite podcast, I would be leaving you here in the dark.

Teddy: I was just trying to help-

Jarrod: I’m sorry, did you climb a mountain to learn the secrets of Zeus himself? No? You’re not a fucking electrician, then.

Evelyn: Riley, what’s the battery looking like?

Riley: It’s down to 40%.

Evelyn: Maybe we should just go play monopoly.

Riley: For once, I think that would be less frustrating than what we’re currently doing.

[END]