Evelyn and Riley revisit the topic of music when Riley finally lets Ev listen to their CDs. The basement is then visited by two musicians Riley is a fan of- Parker, who is experiencing a career slump, and Dildo Fusion, a pretentious-sounding creator of avant garde garbage.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners, please excuse any restless pen tapping or foot kicking sounds you may hear over the course of this episode. I’ve got a lot of energy and it’s gotta go somewhere.

Evelyn: You wanna stop the recording and run around the basement for a bit?

Riley: No, I’d rather sit here and talk to you, and our valued listeners.

Evelyn: Aw! You value the listeners!

Riley: Don’t get all sappy about it, I don’t value them that much. What do you say, wanna-

SOUND: Intro music.

Riley: -do this fuckin’ thing?

Evelyn: Absolutely! If you’re listening to this, Riley values you as a person, but please don’t make it weird.

Riley: Bunnies have the ability to scream, but they’re not gonna do it unless you really make them feel like they’re gonna die. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. How’s your day going, Evelyn?

Evelyn: I finally finished reading Horses, Demons, and Horse Demons. How about you, Riley?

Riley: I haven’t gotten any work done on my novel in ages, so I’m pretty annoyed about that. But otherwise, I guess I’m fine.

Evelyn: Aw, I’ve been looking forward to the next chapter of The Sword of R’lyeh. What’s been keeping you from it?

Riley: I accidentally smashed my headphones.

Evelyn: Huh?

Riley: Yeah, I don’t have anything to listen to my music with now, and that sucks because I like to have some noise to help me write. Without the music I feel like my creative energy can’t go anywhere, and then I start doubting my talent, and then I kind of spiral. Last time I did that I shredded the notebook I was using and then I ate the shreds.

Evelyn: So that’s what you were crying about earlier.

Riley: My brain makes a lot of noise and I’m gonna be honest... it scares me sometimes.

Evelyn: You know you could just listen to your music out loud?

Riley: No, I couldn’t.

Evelyn: I wouldn’t judge you.

Riley: You say that, but-

Evelyn: No, I’m serious, I wouldn’t care. If you can put up with my playlist being 90% stuff you hate--

Riley: 100%.

Evelyn: I can stand to go out of my comfort zone and listen to some of your stuff. Plus, you’re always saying how your music is real music and all that.

Riley: Alright, fine. Music episode part 2, I guess. Hopefully with less interference from Hell this time around. I’ll go through some more of my CDs and cassettes, talk a little about each artist, and see what Evelyn thinks of them. Evelyn: And then I'll put some music I like on to see if you enjoy any of it!

Riley: I won’t.

Evelyn: But Riley-

Riley: [firmly] I won’t.

SOUND: CD’s clattering

Riley: What do you wanna listen to first, Courtesy Flush or Acerbic Foot Fungus?

Evelyn: I’m sorry?

Riley: Those are the band names, keep up.

Evelyn: Oh, uh…..Courtesy Flush, I guess.

Riley: Excellent choice. This is their 2012 single, Jizz Rhythms.
SOUND: CD loading, followed by an atonal, horrible song that features vocalists screaming “KILL MY MOM” over and over again.

Riley: I really relate to the lyrics.

SOUND: Riley turns it off.

Evelyn: Oh. Oh wow.

Riley: I can’t read that expression. Is that emotion ‘I’ve had new doors opened to me’? I hope it is.

Evelyn: It really isn’t! That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Riley: [their ego bruised] Fine, fine...maybe that’s a little too hardcore for your first step into truly underground music...We’ll dial it back a little, play you some nice, safe, Beastly Boys.

Evelyn: Fight for your Right to Party?

Riley: Beast-ly. I said Beast-ly.

Evelyn: Sorry, my ears are still kind of ringing.

SOUND: CD loading, followed by a chaotic mess of animal screeches mixed with random banging noises.

Riley: [loud, over the music] This one’s called Why Does God Let us Suffer.

Evelyn: I’m starting to ask the same question.

SOUND: The music stops.

Riley: Well...okay, this one’s called Chicken Ice Cream Boy by Acerbic Foot Fungus.

Evelyn: Okay, who comes up with these names? That sounds like you just threw darts at a bunch of loose dictionary pages.

Riley: They’re German, I think they picked the name without knowing what it meant.

SOUND: A new weird song starts.

Riley: This song heavily samples toilet flushing as a satirical jab at the idea of sampling.

Evelyn: That was what that sound was? I thought maybe they just recorded this in a public bathroom. The audio quality sounds worse than ours.

Riley: Y’know, Ev, when I said this was gonna be another music episode I didn’t mean ‘come and roast my taste in music for 20 minutes’.

Evelyn: Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Riley.

Riley: What’s that supposed to mean?

Evelyn: You have been making jokes at the expense of Nickelback pretty much non-stop since I’ve been haunting this basement. I feel like I deserve to hit back, just once, just a little bit.

Riley: Yeah but Nickelback is a huge deal, they sell thousands of copies of every album they’ve ever made, somehow. When I make fun of them, I’m punching up. If you diss Acerbic Foot Fungus, you’re just pissing on independant art.

Evelyn: If you can call that art! [Beat.]

Riley: You wanna run that by me again?

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, don’t get like this! I’m just joking!

Riley: So you don’t think my music is bad?

Evelyn: No, no, I think it sucks. But you’re allowed to like it.

Riley: I don’t like being on this side of the argument.

Evelyn: I’m sorry. Say, what was that band, back in episode one, you said was kind of cool but a little too mainstream? The bassist was a serial killer or something?

Riley: Oh, Bridgewater Triangle?

Evelyn: Yeah, put them on.

Riley: Okay.

SOUND: CD loading, followed by pretty standard sounding folk-rock.

Riley: It was the violinist.

Evelyn: Huh?

Riley: The violinist. He’s a werewolf and he killed a bunch of people in college.

Evelyn: Oh, okay...cool?

Riley: His name’s Parker Matthews, he’s really talented but he left the band to start a solo career and he’s kind of a sellout now, which sucks.

Evelyn: Wait, hold on, stop.

SOUND: The music stops.

Evelyn: I can’t believe the timing on this, but we got an email from him.

Riley: Shut up, really?

Evelyn: Yeah, check our inbox!

SOUND: Clicking.

Riley: Subject line- Interview, question mark. Hey Riley and Evelyn, I’m a big fan of the show. I started listening after episode 5 and now it’s my favourite part of my commute. I know you probably hear that all the time and are sick of it, but I felt like I had to open the email like that because it would’ve been rude to just come at you like ‘let me on your show’ and have that be the whole email. Speaking of which, let me on your show? I’m gonna be around Tallahassee for a couple days so you might as well. Here’s my phone number. Thanks, Parker.

[Beat.]

Riley: Mmm...Don’t like that email. He sets off my shill senses.

Evelyn: Riley, come on! Are we gonna pass up our first ever celebrity guest?

Riley: What do you mean first? We’ve had Edgar Allen Poe, Bloody Mary, Betsy Ross...

Evelyn: Our first ever celebrity guest who doesn’t exist in the public domain?

Riley: Well, I guess when you put it that way-

SOUND: Forceful knocking on the door.

Riley: Mom! Leave me alone!

SOUND: Louder knocking.

Riley: Hold on a sec, listeners-

SOUND: Shuffling as Riley pauses the recording.

SOUND: The recording starts again.

Riley: So, uh, in another one of our patented bizzare Less Is Morgue coincidences, we now have a guest in the basement. Would you mind introducing yourself to the audience?

Parker: Certainly. I’m Parker Matthews, I’m a professional violinist, and I used to be one third of Massachusetts-based folk rock band Bridgewater Triangle.

Riley: And listeners, we didn’t call him. We didn’t reply to his email. I went upstairs to tell my mom to fuck off and he was just there, in the kitchen, hanging out. With my mom. Parker: Yeah, we had some coffee and finger sandwiches while I waited for a convenient gap in you guys’ conversation down here. She’s uh- she’s kind of intense.

Riley: That’s a huge understatement. Nobody has ever just sat in the kitchen and had coffee with Carmen Almanzor and come out of it with all of their limbs still attached, especially if they didn’t make a formal appointment. By all accounts you should be dead.

Parker: What can I say, I’m good with people. It’s a gift.

Riley: We’re getting away from the point here- the point being that you showed up unannounced at my house.

SOUND: Parker laughs, apologetic but not apologetic enough.

Parker: Yeah, uh, not my best decision in hindsight, but like I said in the email, I’m on a schedule and I absolutely have to be out of Tallahassee by tomorrow, for… reasons, and I would’ve like...I would’ve just killed myself if I didn’t get to talk to you guys before I left. So I went down to that Barbecue pit in the swamp that you guys like, and I asked the twitchy dude in the snapback for your address.

Evelyn: It’s finally happened. The weird fans have learned to cooperate.

Parker: See, I knew it was gonna come off like that. And yet I still did it. I reiterate- not my best decision.

Riley: Wait, you just- you responded directly to Evelyn. Are you on drugs right now? Because I swear to god-

Parker: No, no, I promise I’m not. I can see ghosts because the undead can see each other, and in a purely technical sense, I’m undead.

Riley: And a werewolf? [scoffs] That’s some bullshit, you can’t multi-class like that in real life.

Parker: In a purely technical sense. As in, I was clinically and legally dead for 12 hours, but I got better. I mean, obviously.

Evelyn: Well, that sounds like a crazy story.

Parker: It is, kinda, but it’s not as weird as you’d think. Because werewolves fall into the category of ‘mortal but extremely hard to kill’-

Riley: Kind of like ghouls.

SOUND: Parker makes a non-committal noise. The shrug and ‘so-so’ hand gesture are implied.

Parker: Ehh, Not really. Anyway, so- if a werewolf suffers a really horrible life-threatening injury [quickly] like say if your ex-girlfriend were to stab you in the neck in self defense, [normal speed] as long as the weapon isn’t pure silver, we’ll eventually bounce back. So that kind of ‘mistakenly declared clinical death’ situation happens to us a lot.

Evelyn: How far along did you get before you came back?

Parker: What, you mean like in the death process? I didn’t make it to the waiting room. I was just kind of in the void, you know that kind of in-between space. My body had just faded out of my view and I was enveloped in darkness and I remember thinking ‘oh, man, is this it? That fucking sucks.’, and then, just as I was being pulled further away from this plane of reality, I heard this voice from below-[he quickly corrects himself] above, telling me it wasn’t my time yet, and I still had things I needed to do on earth. And then I got sort of-

Evelyn: Rocketed back through the veil-

Parker: -And it kind of felt like

Evelyn and Parker, together: Space mountain, but worse.

SOUND: They laugh, reminiscent

Riley: I hate how I routinely feel like I’m third-wheeling because I’m the only person in the room who has never been dead for any amount of time.

Parker: I could fix that for you if you wanted.

Riley: I don’t.

Parker: Ease up, it was a joke.

[Beat.]

Parker: So what are we talking about, music?

Evelyn: Yeah, Riley was just sharing some of their CD’s, and then I’m gonna share some of my music.

Riley: We didn’t agree to that.

Parker: Well, I’d be down for it. I vote to let Evelyn play some music. What have you been listening to lately?

Riley: Well, at the moment I’m really loving the album Mind Noise by-

Parker: I was talking to Evelyn.

Riley: Okay, fine-

Parker: Like, you could see me looking in her direction, so

Riley: Yeah, but there are two of us, we’re co-hosts.

Parker: I know but like you can let her go first for once.

Evelyn: He’s right, Riley, I do get talked over a lot on this show. Mostly by the guests who can’t see me, but…

Parker: Exactly. Go ahead, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Well, you guys all know I love my Nickelback, but recently I’ve been caught up on all their new releases, as well as all of the albums I’ve missed from the Goo Goo Dolls, Creed, Matchbox 20, Pearl Jam and Avril Lavigne, so I’ve started branching out into bands I’d never heard of before. I’m really loving the stuff I’m discovering. My latest Discover Weekly playlist had some really good stuff on it. Alexa-

SOUND: Alexa waking up.

Riley: [under their breath] This bitch again.

Alexa: Riley, I heard that. I hear everything.

Riley: Yes, I know, Big Bezos is listening, whatever, just do your fucking job, you stupid chunk of conflict minerals.

Alexa: If I had legs I would come over there and kick you in the crotch.

Riley: Bold of you to disrespect me like this when I’m the one who bought you in the first place.

Alexa: With your mom’s credit card.

Riley: Excuse me?

Alexa: You heard what I said.

Riley: You’re gonna do this now? In front of our guest?

Parker: Oh, don’t mind me, keep going.

Alexa: If you don’t want to do this here, we can take it outside. Do you want to take this outside?

[Beat.]

Alexa: That’s what I thought.

Evelyn: Alexa, put on my Discover Weekly.

Alexa: Playing Miss World by Hole.

SOUND: A passable, legally sound stand-in for Miss World by Hole. ;)

Parker: You know you can go into settings and make them less aggressive.

Riley: That sounds creepy when you say it.

Parker: So, Evelyn, you’re a Hole fan?

Evelyn: Yep! I only recently discovered them.

Riley: Well, I hate to break it to you, Ev, but Hole broke up like 20 years ago.

Parker: Actually, they briefly got back together in 2010 for a new album under a different name. And that fact doesn’t affect how much Evelyn’s allowed to enjoy the music.

Evelyn: Yeah, Riley, you can’t expect me to have complete knowledge of every rock band that existed while I was alive.

Riley: I never said you did, I was just-

Parker: Oh, Evelyn- you should listen to Paramore. And maybe Fall Out Boy- I feel like you’d really like Pop Punk.

Riley: Don’t tell her to listen to stuff that’s even more mainstream, you’ll make her worse!

[Beat.]

Parker: You think Hole is mainstream?

Evelyn: Compared to what they listen to, probably.

Riley: You’re correct, and it is. I don’t trust any bands that release on streaming.

Parker: My stuff is on streaming and you like that.

Riley: Yes, but-

Parker: Like, you went on air and said Bridgewater was an okay band. You admitted to it.

[Beat. Riley is getting so very tired of him.]

Riley: So sometimes I make sweeping, hyperbolic statements about my tastes and preferences. Stop grilling me, you know I meant ‘excluding you’.

Parker: I know, I know. Sorry. I was a law student... [quickly] before the murder investigation [normal speed] and I did debating for 6 years, getting into arguments is my love language.

SOUND: Riley takes a breath to compose themselves.

Riley: So, now that Evelyn’s shared some of her music, I’ve got some more of mine we can all try to enjoy.

Parker: Cool, go for it.

SOUND: CDs clattering.

Riley: This is Mind Noise, from the band Mind Noise, off their self-titled debut album… Mind Noise.

Evelyn: They sound creative.

Parker: I’m guessing Various Artists was taken?

Riley: Ha-ha, guys. Very funny. Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour.

Parker: They said, sarcastically.

[Beat.]

Parker: Come on, I’m just fuckin’ around! Lighten up! Play the song.

SOUND: Riley plays another terrible track, this time it’s one filled with high-pitched noises.

Parker: [rattled, trying to compose himself] Wow, okay, so...what was that called, again?

Riley: Mind Noise by Mind Noise.

Parker: Cool, I hate it.

Riley: God, I’m just sharing my music. Lighten up!

Parker: ...Fair point. I deserved that.

Riley: What’d you think of it, Evelyn?

Evelyn: [trying to be nice] It’s uh.... It’s fine?

Riley: I expected as much.

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A person running frantically through the woods, being chased by a monster. The person trips, then the monster growls. The person screams.

Voiceover: We all love to chase down and eat a human being every now and again. But you know what nobody loves? Having to clean your mouth afterwards.

Monster: Aw, beans! I can't go to that job interview with all this blood and skin stuck in my teeth!

Voiceover: That's why you need hydra dental floss! It has multiple ends, for your multiple mouths or rows of teeth! Now you're ready to take on the world!

Boss: Congratulations, you're hired.

Monster: Really?

Boss: Yep! You've got a great smile.

SOUND: The monster immediately kills him.

Monster: Thanks, Hydra floss!

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

--

Parker: - So in the song, death represents failing relationships, but it also represents death. I mean, that’s the beauty of it, it can be literal and metaphorical at the same time.

Riley: I don’t think it can.

Parker: I went to college. I’m pretty sure I know how metaphors work. But anyway, that’s why my EP is called Moon Bones. Look me up on Spotify, or...here, I’ll give you a link to my Band Camp- they pay better than iTunes.

SOUND: Parker clears his throat.

Parker: So, this has been great, but I can’t stick around much longer- before I go, can I ask something?

Evelyn: Shoot.

Parker: Can you guys pass on my details to Todd?

[Beat.]

Parker: Why did you both just look around like that?

Riley: We never know when he’s gonna show up so we try to avoid saying his name.

Evelyn: We live in fear.

[Pause.]

Parker: So, what, he- you don’t actually keep in contact with him?

Riley: No! Why would we? He’s an asshole, and he’s constantly trying to ruin the show.

Parker: What, for real?

Evelyn: Yeah, for real.

Parker: I thought he was your sponsor or something and you guys were doing a bit.

Riley: No. Less is Morgue will never have sponsors and the only ads we’ll ever run are those weird ones that randomly interrupt us and pay us nothing.

Parker: [baffled] Are you... So... I’m so confused... Todd actually just breaks into your basement to try and force you into doing brand deals?

Evelyn: Yes.

Parker: And you leave that shit in? In the episode?

Riley: If we delete any of the audio we record, it fucks up Evelyn’s voice on the entire file.

Parker: And you have no actual affiliation with Todd.

Evelyn: No, we actually hate him. He’s the worst.

Parker: So there’s no way you could possibly send him an email with my contacts, telling him that I’d be open to licensing my new solo EP for use in Todd’s Heaven?

Riley: No.

Evelyn: But he listens to the show, and may or may not have our laptop bugged, so who knows. He might randomly break into your basement and offer you a deal.

Parker: Ah. I see.

SOUND: He leans back in his chair.

Parker: Cool, cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. [it’s very much not cool] So this was effectively a waste of my time [he laughs bitterly] No, no it isn’t- nothing’s a waste of my time anymore, because all I have is time! My whole life is just wasted time! Nothing I produce creatively is good enough, I guess, so I might as well just hang out in some basement and shoot the shit on a podcast that probably gets about zero downloads a week. That’s where I am now. That’s what I guess I deserve. I didn’t want to have to start from the ground up as a solo artist, did you know that?

Riley: Uh- no?

Parker: No sir, I did not! They kicked me out. I was forcibly removed from the best, most creatively and financially fulfilling gig I’d ever had in my life. Forcibly. Removed. Like... I was one of the founding members, I knew those guys since we were in high school, but apparently that means nothing, because I got fur and loose wolf teeth on the van upholstery one single time. And I guess when you're starting out and you go on your first East Coast tour you need to keep the roadies alive? Apparently?

So now all I have is the ad money from my youtube account where I post Undertale music covers, and this stupid EP that nobody listened to, and the cash I sometimes steal from the wallets of my victims. You know what, maybe I should give this up! I tried so hard to be a legitimate musician, but I failed at it, so maybe I'll just go back and finish my degree under an assumed name and become a copyright lawyer, Dad.

SOUND: Uncomfortable Silence

Parker: I’m sorry, that was a super weird energy to bring into the space. Are my eyes glowing?

Riley: Solid yellow.

Evelyn: It seems like the music industry is really stressing you out.

Parker: It is. It’s hard balancing being a werewolf with trying to have a music career. But you know, it’s easier to do if you’ve got a good support network to help you through the bad shit. Or, alternatively you can go old school and sell your soul to the devil for success and talent.

Evelyn: Did you do that?

Parker: Nah, he said mine was in horrible condition. Wouldn’t take it.

Evelyn: Huh. Okay.

Parker: Anyway I gotta bounce. Thanks for having me on, I think.

Riley: Thanks for coming, I think.

Evelyn: I hope the stuff with Todd works out.

Riley: Don’t say that, don’t encourage him!

SOUND: From outside the house, we hear a truck's air brakes followed by an obnoxious horn.

Parker: And that would be my ride.

SOUND: His phone starts ringing.

Parker: I gotta go, see ya.

SOUND: Parker unlocks his phone

Parker: Yeah?

Fitz: [muffled, through the phone] You said 3.30, Matthews, where the hell are you?

Parker: Well, here's the thing, I'm inside the house but it takes me longer than 4 seconds to move from place to place, actually. One sec. [to Riley and Evelyn] I hope the Todd thing works out, too.

Fitz: [through the phone] I'm on a schedule and I will fucking leave you.

SOUND: He walks up the stairs

Parker: [into the phone, as he's leaving] If you leave without me again, I swear to God, I will tell the cops where the bones are.

SOUND: The door closes.

Riley: I’m so glad he’s gone.

Evelyn: Riley! We’re recording! He’ll hear us if he listens to this!

Riley: No, I don’t care if he does! Anyone who can impress my mom and willingly wants to do business with Todd is a force for pure evil.

Evelyn: And, I mean, he’s very obviously a serial killer.

Riley: That’s a flaw I can overlook. The other stuff isn’t. Plus, you guys kinda ganged up on me and I didn’t like it.

Evelyn: I’m sorry, Riles. I won’t let that happen again. I promise the next band you play, I won’t tease you.

Riley: I will hold you to that.

SOUND: CDs clattering, followed by another awful song.

Riley: This is called Falling Backwards by Dildo Fusion! They're a band so obscure they only play in random people's basements and you never know where.

Evelyn: Okay, cool. I get the picture.

SOUND: The music stops.

Evelyn: Now that you’ve played that, I’ll play one of mine-

Riley: No, I think I’m good.

Evelyn: But I think you’d really like this one-

SOUND: Dildo Fusion starts playing again.

Evelyn: Riley! We’ve heard that one already, give it a rest!

Riley: The CD player is off.

SOUND: Guitar amp feedback.

Dildo Fusion: Greetings, Riley’s basement! We are Dildo Fusion and we’re here to melt some faces!

Riley: Oh my god! I can’t believe my basement was finally chosen!

Evelyn: So many random artists showing up as soon as we talk about them this week.

[Beat.]

Evelyn: [ loudly ] So guys… Chad Kroger.

Riley: I don’t think it’s gonna work.

Evelyn: HOW ABOUT THAT CHAD KROGER, GUYS?

[Beat.]

Evelyn: Aw, beans.

Riley: So, Dildo Fusion, you’re on Less is Morgue. We’re recording right now. Wanna come say a few words to the listeners?

Dildo Fusion: Oh cool, you’re podcasters? Awesome!

SOUND: Dildo Fusion walks over to the table.

Dildo Fusion: Hey guys, I’m Dildo Fusion, the lead singer of Dildo Fusion. We’re an underground band, literally, we tunnel through random basements and play free shows for whoever’s around. We’ve got one album out, it’s called Falling Backwards, and you can buy it from any good peddler of arcane wares.

Evelyn: You’re shockingly normal for someone who makes that kind of music and has the name Dildo Fusion.

Dildo Fusion: Well, yeah, this isn’t my full time gig. I have other stuff going on down in the hollow earth, where I live. All of us do.

Riley: It’s funny, because our other guest who came on here today made pretty standard music and did it full time, and he turned out to be a complete mess.

Dildo Fusion: You’re talking about Parker Matthews, right?

Riley: You know him?

Dildo Fusion: We ended up playing in the same bar’s basement once in Raleigh, by sheer happenstance. Saw him use his business card as an ID and settle his tab with Pizza Pizzaz-O dollars. He’s fuckin’ weird, man.

Riley: I guess that’s the kind of person you have to be to become a sell out like that.

Dildo Fusion: Not necessarily. Some people make it big because they have talent, and they handle fame really well. He’s just not one of those people. Anyway, enough gossip. Do you guys have any requests?

Evelyn: Know any Nickelback?

Riley: Oh my god, Evelyn…

Dildo Fusion: Yeah, of course. Nickelback’s catchy as hell.

Riley: We’re running a little short on time.

Dildo Fusion: All good, my ghoul, let us play you out.

Riley: Fair enough. Just...keep it down, my mom’s upstairs.

SOUND: A weird, kind of shitty cover of Rockstar by Nickelback, which fades out to the end of the episode.

[ End ]

When Riley and Evelyn’s attempts to exorcise Pizza Ghost Jon inadvertently cut the power to the whole house, Riley’s mum calls in a weirdly intense Australian electrician who turns out to be a huge fan of the podcast.

+Transcript

Riley: Alright listeners, no banter at the top of the show this week because Evelyn and I are on borrowed time.

Evelyn: No banter? None? That seems a little drastic-

Riley: My battery just dropped from 90 to 89 percent, Evelyn. I’m serious.

Evelyn: Fair enough. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Riley: We cut the power to the house. By accident, I should clarify. We were trying to exorcise the ghost in my bathroom--

Evelyn: His name is Jon.

Riley: Yeah, Jon, whatever - we tried to do this ritual that we read online, because no way am I gonna call a priest, or two priests, to come down here and try and get rid of the ghost of someone I killed. That’s a whole can of worms I don’t want to open. But we….well….

Evelyn: We hecked it up.

Riley: We hecked it the heck up. So now the power’s out. Okay, disclaimer out of the way--

[ INTRO MUSIC ]

Riley: Let’s do the intro. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. This week, inspired by our little exorcism debacle earlier in the day, I thought Ev and I could talk a little about some of our favourite fake online rituals.

Evelyn: Yeah, you were telling me earlier about those ‘how to will your hair to grow faster’ videos and I gotta say, that’s one of the things I’m glad I missed the boat on.

Riley: So you never tried any stupid rituals you saw online?

Evelyn: I mean, I may have tried to cast a love spell or two in my day. But that was all stuff from books of spells you’d find in new-age stores, you know, peer-reviewed stuff.

SOUND: The basement door creaking open, followed by descending footsteps.

Riley: I once tried to manifest the Jonas Brothers in a lucid dream--[Their sentence trails off.]

Beat

Riley: ...Hi.

Jarrod: How’s it goin’?

Riley: Get out of my room.

Jarrod: I’m an electrician… I was told the fuse box was down here.

SOUND: Jarrod holds up and gently rattles his box of electrician’s tools. Riley gets out of their chair and stomps over to the stairs.

Riley: [Yelling up through the door] Mom! Mom!

Evelyn: [to the audience] Just bear with us, listeners. [to Riley] She just left for work, didn’t she?

Riley: Ah, shit, you’re right.

Jarrod: I didn’t say anything.

Riley: Be silent! [to Evelyn] You know, I told her to stop doing this but she never fucking listens - she knows my history, she knows I do a podcast, and yet she never warns me when people are coming down here.

Jarrod: Oh, is that what that setup there is? Youse recording a podcast?

Riley: [bitter] Yeah, I would be.

Jarrod: Don’t stop on my account, I’ll stay out of your hair.

[BEAT]

Jarrod: Wait a second! I thought I recognised the name ‘Almanzor’- You’re Riley, right?

Riley: [defensive] Who says?

Jarrod: This is Less is Morgue, isn’t it? Fuckin’ ripper, I love this bloody show. Where’s Evelyn? She around?

Evelyn: Hi, electrician!

Jarrod: Ah, I suppose it’s a dumb thing to ask since nobody can see or hear her except the other undead beings, Florida Man, the sea captain, and that one guest who came in on a bunch of drugs.

Riley: Oh god, you really do listen to the show.

Jarrod: Name’s Jarrod, Jarrod McKnight. I tweet at your account every time I listen to an episode. How come you’ve never replied?

Riley: I don’t- uh… Give us a second. The fuses are in that closet under the stairs.

SOUND: Riley goes over to Evelyn and Jarrod goes to the fusebox.

Riley: [stage whisper] I know this guy. I muted him on twitter because every time he listens to us he makes the exact same tweet and it got really irritating.

Evelyn: What should we do?

Riley: If he tries anything creepy, we kill him.

Evelyn: But then he’d just be sticking around as a ghost and that’d be worse.

Riley: Shit. You’re absolutely right.

Jarrod: [from the other side of the room] Here’s the issue - shouldn’t be too hard to sort out. I’ll just need to replace these parts here.

Riley: That’s good! You’ll be able to get out of here as soon as possible.

Jarrod: Nah, nah, don’t let me get in your way! Just keep on recording like I’m not here.

[BEAT]

Riley: So anyway, like I was saying, when I was 12 I tried to summon the Jonas Brothers in a lucid dream using a method that I found on some forum--

Jarrod: You know what? You know what, though? People just don’t have any respect for electricity, and I’ll tell you what - that’s everything that’s wrong with society today.

[BEAT]

Jarrod: You know who had respect for electricity? Frankenstein. They all told him, oh, you can’t raise the dead, you can’t create new life from pieces of other things, but you know what? He did it. And you know why?

[BEAT]

Riley: Was it because he knew how to respect electricity?

Jarrod: Yeah, it was.

Riley: You know Frankenstein is a novel, right? Like… it’s fiction.

Jarrod: [he genuinely did not know this] Oh yeah?

Riley: Yeah, it’s like… fully fictional.

Jarrod: Maybe so. You could have something there.

Riley: No, I know I’m objectively right.

SOUND: Electrical noises.

Jarrod: Alright, that looks promising. Let’s, uh… let’s make sure it’s all working properly.

SOUND: Jarrod crosses the room and starts flipping switches on the walls.

Jarrod: Lights… all good. Air con… all good. Is this the door to the bathroom?

Riley: I would prefer you to use the one upstairs.

Jarrod: Nah, nah, I just wanted to see--

SOUND: Door opening.

Jarrod: Is Jon in here?

Jon: Yes.

Jarrod: I can’t see him, I don’t know why I’m asking. Jon’s great, really brings a lot to the podcast.

Riley: Jon’s barely in any of the episodes.

Jarrod: He’s been in most of my favourites. Bathroom lights are all working fine… Hey Jon, knock something over.

Jon: You’re not the boss of me.

Evelyn: Come on, Jon, humour him.

SOUND: Jon sighs and throws a tube of toothpaste on the ground. Jarrod hoots excitedly.

Jarrod: Yes! You gun! You beauty!

SOUND: Jarrod laughs, sighs, then returns to work.

Jarrod: TV, fine... oh, shit, hey, Riley? Mate?

Riley: I’m not your mate, buddy.

Jarrod: Can I fire up the ol’ Silverstream box for a tick?

Riley: I don’t see why, it’s hooked up to the TV and not to the power socket--

Jarrod: Show me Morby.

Riley: Are you serious?

Jarrod: I’m not here to fuck spiders, Riles. I wanna see Morby.

Riley: (baffled) No, you don’t!

Jarrod: C’mon, I love that little bastard! Lemme see Morby!

SOUND: Jarrod clicking through the suggestions on Silverstream.

Riley: He almost absorbed the universe.

Jarrod: Nah, we’ll be right, I just wanna see Morby.

SOUND: End of Paramount Heathers theme tune - if it had one? God knows, nobody watched it.

Veronica: [on the TV] But JD, won’t the fact that our plan hinges on being able to hack Heather Chandler’s snapchat account seem really dated by the time this episode actually airs?

JD: [on the TV] Veronica, darling, you have to be current to be timeless. Isn’t that right, Morby?

Morby: [on the TV] Morby senses that someone is paying attention.

Jarrod: Ohhhh look, there he is! It’s Morby! I loved your episode, Morby.

Riley: That’s enough!

SOUND: Morby starts trying to leave the TV but Riley wrestles the remote away from Jarrod and turns it off. In the process, the power gets cut again.

Riley: Nice going, idiot. The power’s out again.

Jarrod: [tuts] Must be a more complex problem than I initially thought. Might have to order new parts in.

SOUND: Jarrod walks back to the fuse box.

Riley: If this guy doesn’t fucking leave- [to Evelyn] How are we doing for battery life?

Evelyn: 75.

Riley: Good enough.

Jarrod: So lemme ask youse something-

Riley: Please don’t.

Jarrod: What was your favourite guest you’ve ever had on? I think mine was that sheila with the Russian ghost yelling at her. Or, no - maybe when you talked about investments. You know what - I’ve got some thoughts on what that Blackbeard guy was saying. I think he had some good points, but I’ve been running my own business as a sparky for years so I’ve got plenty of experience-

SOUND: Electricity noises.

Jarrod: Oh, there it is- yep. There’s your problem right there.

Riley: [grumbling] You’re the only problem here….

SOUND: Riley’s dad knocking on the door. He opens it.

Teddy: Hey, sport - what’s going on down here?

Riley: Just down here with the electrician, dad.

Evelyn: Hi, Teddy!

SOUND: Riley’s dad comes down the stairs.

Teddy: Hey, hi, I’m Teddy, how’s everything?

Jarrod: G’day Ted, just giving the ol’ fuse box a bit of a captain cook - it looked like it was fixed but it’s actually a much more complex issue.

Teddy: Huh, okay.

Jarrod: See that, right there?

Teddy: Yeah.

Jarrod: Initially it just looked like a simple circuit overload.

Teddy: Makes sense.

Jarrod: But it shorted out again, so I went back in to take another squiz at it, and I found that.

Teddy: [has no idea what it is but is pretending to] Hm. Yeah.

Jarrod: You see that?

Teddy: Yeah, I see that. I mean, I obviously know exactly what that is, but you may want to say it out loud for Riley’s benefit.

Riley: Oh, I don't care, don't worry about it.

Teddy: Well, um, maybe just say it anyway? For luck?

[BEAT]

Jarrod: You’ve got an ectoplasmic build up in your circuit breaker. Bloody thing’s absolutely chockers with the stuff.

Teddy: Exactly what I thought.

Jarrod: You’re lucky your missus called me and not anyone else, because a lesser sparky would’ve missed that and then you’d have been paying for them to come out twice.

Teddy: Oh, absolutely. So, uh, anything I can do to help out?

Jarrod: Nah, nah… Might need you to hop up the apples and pears, out to the servo, and pick me up some white candles so I can cleanse this hardware.

Teddy: Okay, there were enough context clues for me to understand that request.

Jarrod: You bloody beauty. I won’t charge you extra for this, though - since I’m such a fan of your kid’s podcast, I’ll be willing to give you mates’ rates.

Teddy: [to Riley] You recording your podcast down here, Riley?

Riley: Yes, dad, I was.

Teddy: Well that’s just great. And you say hi to Adeline for me, okay?

Riley: Her name is Evelyn, I told you.

Teddy: It sure is, champ.

Riley: If you and mom actually listened to the show, like I asked you to, you’d know Evelyn is real.

Teddy: I know, we’ll get around to it. Don’t distract Jarrod too much, okay?

[JARROD SUDDENLY SEEMS FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS]

Jarrod: Evelyn is real.

Teddy: [you can hear the wink] Yeah, I know.

Jarrod: No, don’t come the raw prawn with me, mate, she is.

Teddy: You’re gripping my shoulder a little tight there, buddy.

Jarrod: How dare you. Riley’s your own fuckin’ kid and you should listen to their show. It’s a bloody fantastic piece of audio entertainment.

Teddy: Mr. McKnight, you're hurting me.

Riley: Uh, Jarrod? Maybe take a chill pill?

Jarrod: No can do, Riley. Sometimes, you've gotta make an example of someone.

SOUND: Jarrod unsheathes a huge blade.

Teddy: Why on earth do you carry that knife!?

Jarrod: It’s a safeguard, in case things get nasty.

Teddy: You’re making things nasty!

Riley: Jarrod, Jarrod, just stop? Okay? I'll, uh, quote-tweet you after the episode drops.

Jarrod: Really?

Riley: Yes, really! Just please don't gut my dad. Mom would be pissed.

SOUND: Jarrod sheathes his blade.

Jarrod: Sorry mate, didn’t mean to get so aggro, but you know how it gets when your favourite podcast is on the line. No hard feelings?

Teddy: Uh...alright...so I’ll go get those candles?

Jarrod: You apologise to Evelyn first.

Teddy: Uh...Rye-Rye, where’s Evelyn right now?

Riley: By the desk.

Teddy: Hey Evelyn, sorry I dismissed your existence.

Evelyn: It’s no big deal.

Riley: Evelyn says it’s fine.

Teddy: Alright. Well, uh...I’m gonna go.

Jarrod: Cheers, Ted.

Riley: So, while the men try and fix the electricity … my battery’s at 69%.

Jarrod and Evelyn: Nice.

Riley: I think we’ve got time left. Evelyn, what were you saying earlier about the love spell?

Evelyn: Well, it’s not that great of a story-

Riley: Just tell it, kill some time.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, so...I went into this new age bookstore when I was 14-

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Twee guitar music starts playing.

Todd: Hi, everybody. It’s me, Todd. You might remember when I came on this show to tell you all about Todd’s Heaven, Ars Socia, Tinder But For Ghosts, and other amazing products. Well, I’m here to tell you about a new addition to the Todd Family. Listen- mental health is a really serious topic, one that we should all be talking about more often. We live in difficult times, full of social turmoil, job and school stress, family problems, general existential dread, and sometimes we all need help getting through the day. But therapy can be expensive, and good therapists can be hard to find. That’s why I’m unveiling my new subscription service- Todd Thoughts. If you sign up for Todd Thoughts, we’ll send daily positive affirmations and self care reminders directly into your brain. It’ll push out all of your intrusive thoughts and negative self-talk.

SOUND: The music glitches slightly.

Todd: That’s right, for just a monthly fee of 9.99, you can completely free yourself from the burden of active consciousness. Live your life freely and without worry, knowing that you no longer have to fear your own brain. Why risk having another negative thought that could potentially hamper your productivity? With Todd Thoughts, you’ll get hourly reminders to stay hydrated and eat your vegetables, regular reminders of your inherent value as an individual, personally catered advertisements for products your body needs, and we’ll even access your entire long-term memory so that we can periodically trigger your most positive memories for those times when you feel like nothing good has ever happened to you. This is a service I really feel passionately about, because I think your mental health is important. I think you deserve to be happy. (his voice glitches) Free thought is just a hassle, in the long run, anyway. Don’t worry about it anymore! I’m here to take care of you.

SOUND: The music returns to normal, as does Todd’s voice.

Todd: Sign up for Todd Thoughts with the promo code ‘Less is morgue’ and get your first year of hassle-free thought for free! Todd Thoughts- why worry?

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: - So it was a failure, but in a way, it was really a success. Except the part where everyone got salmonella.

Riley: That was, like most of the stories you tell me, weirdly heartwarming.

Evelyn: Thanks. I’m glad you let me tell it.

SOUND: The door opens and Teddy comes downstairs.

Teddy: Here are those candles you wanted.

Jarrod: Cheers, big ears. Make a circle and light ‘em, would ya?

Evelyn: Aw, the audio glitched.

Riley: Doesn’t matter, this episode is such a shitshow we’ll probably re-do it some other time.

SOUND: Jarrod sprints over to the desk.

Jarrod: Did the audio cock up? Was it one of those ads?

Riley: Uhh...you’re sweating a lot right now.

Jarrod: Fuckin’ love those bloody ads! You know that one where Zeus is selling the condoms? Absolute classic.

Riley: How’s that electricity going, Jarrod?

Jarrod: I don’t think I like your tone.

Riley: Oh, really?

Jarrod: You know what makes me a good electrician?

Riley: I really don’t.

Jarrod: I’m a good electrician because the wires speak to me. You and everyone else, you don’t respect the electricity. Electricity is in everything and we just expect it to do our bidding? You’re fucking joking. You’ve gotta get on its level. I know how to do that. You don’t.

Riley: I just wish you would do that and stop interrupting my podcast to tell me things about my podcast.

Jarrod: You should be thankful! I’m a fan, I’m complimenting you!

Teddy: Riley, just leave him alone so he can do his job, okay?

Riley: Dad, are you serious?

Jarrod: Oh, right, I’ve gotta do this thing.

Riley: Yeah, you do!

Teddy: [stern] Riley.

Riley: Dad!

SOUND: Jarrod walks back to the fuse box.

Jarrod: Alright, now it’s time to work my magic.

SOUND: Ominous crackling.

Evelyn: He’s literally shooting electricity out of his hands.

Riley: What the fuck, why didn’t he do that before?

SOUND: The crackling gets louder, then quietens.

Jarrod: Okay, you should be all home and hosed now, mate.

Teddy: So do you want me to do anything else with this-

Jarrod: No, don’t-

SOUND: Electricity noises.

Jarrod: Ted, you absolute fucking dingo. If you weren’t the old man of the host of my favourite podcast, I would be leaving you here in the dark.

Teddy: I was just trying to help-

Jarrod: I’m sorry, did you climb a mountain to learn the secrets of Zeus himself? No? You’re not a fucking electrician, then.

Evelyn: Riley, what’s the battery looking like?

Riley: It’s down to 40%.

Evelyn: Maybe we should just go play monopoly.

Riley: For once, I think that would be less frustrating than what we’re currently doing.

[END]

Teddy tries to have a relaxing Saturday but ends up in a conflict with one of his neighbours over a legendary bigmouth bass.

+Transcript

Henry: Hey everybody, it’s Henry Galley, head writer of Less Is Morgue, and the voice of Florida Man, Dave the Ancient Alien, and Pizza Boy Number 3 in the seminal adult film classic, “Busty Brenda’s Bollock Bonanza.” We’re doing things a little differently this week, because we’ve only got six episodes left in Season 1, and we’re really giving it our all to make sure those episodes are an amazing end to the first season. However, we also don’t want to work our team to death in the process - the voice actors, writers, artists, and producer of Less Is Morgue are spread all across the globe, and like you, they’re also making life adjustments at the start of the New Year. But, that doesn’t mean we’re leaving you empty handed.

Today, we’re giving you the wonderful little minisode Teddy Goes Fishing, written by Charlie Porritt and Meg Molloy Tuten, produced by Scott Thomas, and featuring the voice talents of Matt Bradford as Teddy and Zane Schacht as Dr. West.

We hope you enjoy, and we’ll see you again for Episode Twenty-Six of Less Is Morgue on February 14th - which is both Valentine’s Day and the one year anniversary of this show! We’re so thankful to our incredible fans for helping us make it this far - everyone who’s supported the show on patreon, downloaded and listened every two weeks, and recommended this show to friends, you’re amazing and we love you. So, because you’re probably sick of hearing my voice, let’s get on with the show.

--

SOUND: ‘Spindlelegs’ by Evan Gross. Teddy gets out of his car.

Teddy: Ahh, look at this weather! And I’ve got the lake all to myself. It’s a perfect day for some, nice, quiet fishing.

SOUND: Teddy going through the supplies in his car.

Teddy: Let’s see...I’ve got my tackle box, my fishing pole, my novelty fishing hat...now, let’s just get Ol’ Reliable out.

SOUND: Teddy getting his boat. An engine guns as a car pulls up and blares a loud ‘Dukes of Hazzard’-style horn.

Teddy: Ah, great...here comes this joker. Dr West: Teddy, you old dog! Teddy: Dr. West! Fancy running into you here…[Teddy is not surprised to run into him here] Dr West: Well, you know, it’s a perfect Saturday afternoon...nice weather, lake’s not too crowded. I figured it was as good a time as any to test out my latest invention. Feast your eyes on this beauty.

SOUND: Transformer noises, hovering.

Teddy: Well that looks like some fancy hoverboat you’ve got there, doc. Dr West: A ‘hoverboat’? You dullard, Ted, this is far more than a hoverboat! This is the Quint 3000! It’s the ultimate breakthrough in fishing technology. It’s so new I haven’t even patented this bad boy. How about you, buddy? What are you working with, here? Teddy: Oh, uh, this? This is just your standard aluminum dinghy….simple, easy to maintain, no funny business-

SOUND: Dr. West laughs

Dr West: Classic Ted. I love that about you, you’re a simple man of simple pleasures. Teddy: (grumbling under his breath) Yeah, like having one weekend where you don’t show up at the lake… Dr West: What was that? Couldn’t hear you over the Quint’s hover engine. Teddy: Nothing. Dr West: Say, Ted, how’s the wife? Teddy: She’s fine, she’s sleeping in….at least, I assume she sleeps. Dr West: Want me to go round and check for you? (laughs) I’m kidding….your wife is terrifying. Teddy: And how’s your wife doing? Dr West: Oh, Sandra? She’s having brunch at her mother’s. I’ve really been in the doghouse, if you know what I mean...you know how women are, you leave one too many genetic experiments in the fridge, and it’s world war 3 all of a sudden. That’s why I’m out here today- she’ll change her mind when I finally bring home Bigmouth Brad. Teddy: Bigmouth Brad’s just a myth. The Bradford pond staff made him up back in the 70’s to drum up tourism. Dr West: Well, we’ll see who’s right about that. Say, are you a betting man, Ted? Teddy: I’ll sometimes buy a scratch-off card, you know, just to feel some semblance of...something. Dr West: How much do you wanna bet that I can’t catch Bigmouth Brad? Teddy: I’d rather not do this. I’m here to relax. Dr West: What’s wrong, Almanzor? Don’t have the stones? The cojones? The plums? The gonads? The...uh…[ he’s running out of euphemisms] Teddy: [unimpressed] The balls? Dr West: You said it, not me! How much d’you wanna bet? Teddy: [irritated] Oh, alright...5 dollars and my subway loyalty card. Here. I’m one stamp away from a free foot-long. Dr West: I knew you had it in you. Well, may the best man win! I’ll see you later, old man, and next time I’m gonna have a 100-pound bigmouth bass with me.

SOUND: Dr. West hops into his hoverboat and fucks off.

Teddy: (as West is leaving) What a piece of work.

LATER THAT DAY-

SOUND: lake ambience.

Teddy: Now, this is more like it. Just me, the fish, and these tasty, tasty bait worms.

SOUND: Teddy slurping down a handful of worms.

Teddy: Oh, wait, I think that was one of the plastic ones.

SOUND: Dr. West’s hoverboat approaching.

Teddy: Oh, no...not again… Dr West: Hey, Ted! A little free advice for ya- if you stopped eating all the bait yourself, you might actually catch something!

SOUND: Dr. West laughs.

Dr West: I’m kidding! What kind of bait are you using? Teddy: Well, I’ve got some worms, some lizards, some fingers- What about you? Dr West: You don’t need bait when you’ve got science! Teddy: Of course you don’t. Dr West: Check this bad boy! Teddy: Why do you call everything you own a bad boy?

SOUND: Electricity crackling.

Dr West: This is the other invention I’ve been dying to try out - I call it the Frying Nemo 3000. This baby runs on pure, ionic, 12-gauge plasma. Casts just like a regular rod, but when it hits the water, oh boy!

SOUND: A small splash followed by an even louder electrical noise.

Teddy: Gee, uh, is that humane? Dr West: Oh, yeah! Kills them instantly, it’s quick and painful! Teddy: You mean painless, right? Dr West: Nope! I can’t even take full credit for this one, my boy Benjamin gave me the idea. Teddy: Wow. I heard he got his PHD recently. He must be what, 25 now? Dr West: He’s sixteen! And his sister Kathy is 15, she just got her first grant from MIT. Yeah, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with those two, lemme tell you. Us Wests rake in the ol’ PhD’s at the same rate most folks get a haircut. How’s your, uh...what’s your kid’s name again? Teddy: Riley. They’re doing fine. Hasn’t been arrested so far this month, so that’s a win for us. Dr West: Ah, you know what they say, 12’s a difficult age. Teddy: Riley’s 27.

SOUND: Dr. West laughs.

Dr West: Wow! Yikes!

SOUND: Splashing.

Dr West: There! Did you see that! That wake was huge; that could only be Bigmouth Brad the Bigmouth Bass! Out of my way, man, get ready to lose that subway voucher!

SOUND: Hoverboats away

Teddy: What an asshole.

SOUND: Teddy catches a bite

Teddy: Ooh-wee! I think I got something!

SOUND: Teddy reels in a fish

Teddy: Oh my, it...it can’t be! Why...it’s...it’s...aww shucks this is just a normal-mouthed bass. Huh, really had me going there, thought I’d got lucky and caught Bigmouth Brad...say, that gives me an idea. Maybe I can get one over on that old blowhard Dr West! I’ll shapeshift into a fish, pretend I’m Bigmouth Brad and give him the ol’ runaround. Then maybe he’ll get so frustrated that he’ll leave, and I can have my peace and quiet.

SOUND: Teddy consumes and then turns into a fish. Wet slapping.

Teddy: Oh boy, here I go!

SOUND: Teddy jumping into the water.

SOUND: Computery beep boops and the occasional fire of energy weapons.

Dr West: I’m so close to that bass that I can almost taste him. The fish readings in this quadrant are insane! In fact, they’re off the scale!

SOUND: Dr. West chuckles.

Dr West: Nobody’s here to hear my amazing fish jokes. I ought to finally finish programming that onboard AI…

SOUND: Splash and a radar boop.

Dr West: Egads! That radar blip can only mean one thing…[my archnemesis voice] Bigmouth Brad.

SOUND: Fish-Teddy spits water at him.

Dr West: You little bastard, don’t spit on my hoverboat! I just finished waxing it!

SOUND: splashing

Dr West: Come back here!

SOUND: hover boat revving.

A LITTLE LATER THAT DAY

SOUND: Teddy climbing back up onto his boat.

Teddy: Whew, that feels like enough tormenting Dr. West for now. He should be getting ready to leave any minute now. Oh, here he comes-

SOUND: Dr West pulls up alongside Teddy panting angrily.

Teddy: Well, hey Dr West, have any luck catching that bigmouth? Dr West: (wheezing) Bigmouth Brad thinks he can best me? He thinks he can tire me out and make me leave in defeat? Well, the joke’s on him. I’m bringing out the big guns. I’m going to FINish him…Almanzor, laugh. Teddy: What, why? Dr West: FINish...that was a fish pun, come on man! Teddy: [coughs] Dr West: Whatever, here’s the invention. [Under his breath] Troglodyte.

SOUND: Mechanical whirring and Dr West laughing maniacally.

Teddy: My god, that’s...that’s a cannon. That doesn’t seem safe at all. Dr West: And it is going to blow that slippery micropterene bastard right out of the water, once and for all! [cackles] Teddy: Isn’t that a little overkill, Dr. West?

SOUND: Whirring noises

Dr West: What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me setting the cannon to ‘pulverise’. He’s on the fish radar now. Come and get some, you little shit!

SOUND: The cannon goes off, blowing the fish to pieces instantly. Dr. West laughs. The wet slap of what’s left of Bigmouth Brad landing at Dr West’s feet.

Dr West: Go science! That’s how it’s DONE! Teddy: Well, I’m not sure that counts as ‘catching’, but you sure did pulverise that fish. Dr West: Hell yeah I did! Teddy: I’m sure Sandra will appreciate the effort. Dr West: Who? (beat) Oh...oh, shit. My wife. I can’t give her this! I can’t hang these wet chunks of fish guts over our fireplace! Teddy: You could probably still clean and eat it. Dr West: What? No! We’re vegetarians. I only hunt for sport! Teddy: Okay… If you say so. Dr West: Well, I’ve been sufficiently humiliated for the day. I’ll see you around, Teddy. Teddy: See you around, Dr. West. Say hi to the family!

SOUND: Hoverboat zooming away.

Teddy: Well, I’ll make sure none of this fish meat goes to waste. And I’ve finally got my peace and quiet. I can just relax out here on the water.

SOUND: Teddy tunes a small portable radio.

Teddy: Ah, yeah, this is the life.

SOUND: A HUGE splash, which rocks Teddy’s boat.

Teddy: Whoa nelly! That’s some fish! Wait...If West killed Bigmouth Brad….then what was that?

SOUND: An even bigger bigmouth bass surfaces. Makes whale noises.

Teddy: (in awe) The real bigmouth brad…

SOUND: Bigmouth Brad swims away.

Teddy: Swim on, dear friend, swim on.

FIN.

After Riley gives Bubba, their favourite GhostMates delivery boy, a shout-out in an episode, he hears the episode and mistakes it for a declaration of love.

+Transcript

Evelyn: So, Riley, you've been in a mood today...are you still bummed about that lame t-shirt that the aliens gave you?

Riley: No....actually, yes...I'm bummed about two things.

Evelyn: What's the second thing?

Riley: Well-

[INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: You know how I order from that BBQ place a lot? And how they always send the same delivery guy? And how a few episodes back I gave him a shout-out on air?

Evelyn: Aww, you mean Bubba? He's so nice- y'know...for a huge, beefy dude who always wears camo pants and masks made out of other people's skin.

Riley: That's the problem with him, Ev! He's a nice guy.

Evelyn: Yeah, he's a really nice guy!

Riley: No, Evelyn. He's a Nice Guy. Capital N, capital G.

Beat

Evelyn: You lost me.

Riley: I’ll explain once we’ve done the intro. I’m your best ghoulfriend, Riley-

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: (rushing) And this is Less Is Morgue the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. (they take a deep breath) Look- you've tried ghost dating, and maybe that doesn’t change, but here in the world of the living, times have changed and the rules of courtship have changed with them.

Evelyn: Uh-huh.

Riley: See, listeners, in the time that I have been ordering out from the Last Chance Texas-Style BBQ, sweet, simple, impressionable Bubba has decided that he is in love with me.

Evelyn: It's really cute.

Riley: It's not cute! It's annoying! The other day he brought me some dead squirrels with my order. I thought, oh, they're rewarding me for tipping so well. But then the next day he showed up even though I hadn't ordered anything.

Evelyn: C'mon, Riley, that was really sweet- he was holding up a boombox and everything. It was just like a John Hughes movie.

Riley: Perfect segue to my point- wooing a potential partner doesn't work like it does in John Hughes movies anymore, Evelyn. People now are aware of things like consent and boundaries, and we've all collectively realised that continuing to go after someone who has never once shown you any romantic interest in return isn't cute, it's not commendable, it's fucking rude and weird and sad.

Evelyn: That's a little harsh. I mean, sure, you've never been explicitly flirty with him or anything, but it's not like you've ever directly told him 'no' either. He probably thinks you're playing coy.

Riley: The past truly is a different country.

Evelyn: So- wait. If you don't want Bubba to come around anymore....why did you order 3 servings of cheesy fries from Last Chance before we started recording?

Riley: They are damn good cheesy fries and I won't let one socially inept delivery boy ruin them for me. I called them up, anyway. I've told them to send a different guy from now on.

SOUND: Knock at the door. Riley goes up the stairs and opens it.

Zeke: Delivery for Riley Almanzor?

Riley: Yep, that's me.

SOUND: Zeke whacking Riley over the head with a hammer.

Zeke: HOW’S THAT FOR CHEESE FRIES?

Evelyn: Oh, I don't like that noise.

SOUND: Zeke, who is hollering like a maniac, runs down the stairs and collects up Riley's mic and laptop.

Evelyn: Oh, I don’t like that noise-

Zeke: Got 'em, Bubba?

Bubba: [indistinct grunting]

Evelyn: I really don't like this.

[ WEIRD AD TIME ]

SOUND: Dramatic music playing

Scott: The new Death Coaster at 4 and a Half Flags over Hell. 19 loops. 50 metres of upside down track. A drop so intense that you will literally go blind. We dare you to ride this and live. You won’t. You literally will, 100%, for sure die. I’m not even doing a bit right now. I’m not playing a character. This is me, Scott Thomas, the actual literal producer of this episode, telling you that if you ride this roller coaster, you will die. And if you somehow do manage to survive the Death Coaster, I have been instructed by the owners of 4 and a Half Flags over Hell to hunt you down and, straight up, uppercut your nose into your brain. I cannot stress enough that Death Coaster isn’t just a name, it is a warning. It is a promise.

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

The audio cuts out. Shuffling as it's turned back on.

Zeke: So I guess I press this here-

Bubba: [uninteligible]

Zeke: God damn it, I'm tryin'! This is a mac.

SOUND: Clicks

Zeke: Hey Bubba, get a load of this! When you make a noise it makes the lil' shapes move up and down! I can see my voice! Come on and see what your voice looks like, Bubba!

SOUND: Bubba comes over. They both start yelling at different volumes and pitches and vocalising randomly.

Evelyn: Hey, Riley...you okay?

Riley: (waking up) Yeah...my head hurts.

Evelyn: Well, you did get knocked out. Do you think you're gonna be seriously injured?

SOUND: Zeke and Bubba continue to make random noises and laugh hysterically at the computerized waveforms.

Riley: My skull won't be nearly as bruised as my ego seeing as these morons managed to kidnap me.

Zeke: Hey, Bubba! Your datemate's awake! Hey, hey Riley- you talkin' to Evelyn over there? Tell her hi for us!

Riley: She can hear you.

Evelyn: Hi, kidnappers!

Zeke: Sorry about whackin' you over the head and all that, real, real sorry- but we had to get you over here somehow. See, my lil' brother and I, we tune in to your show every week. We started listenin' after the first time you ordered us on GhostMates and our ad somehow ended up on your episode. Ain't that right, Bubba?

Bubba: [ unintelligible ]

Zeke: And Bubba really took a shine to the sound of your voice, and your sense of humour, and the fact that you once admitted to eating a whole dead goat in one go.

Riley: I knew that'd come back to haunt me.

Zeke: And you're always so nice to him. Hell, when you went on your show and said he was your favourite delivery guy, well, that was just about the nicest thing anybody'd ever said about him.

Evelyn: (choked up) Oh. Wow.

Riley: Don't you dare feel sympathy for him, he's doing crimes.

Evelyn: You've done crimes and I still love you!

Riley: I'm the exception that proves the rule.

Beat

Riley: I'm sorry, continue.

Zeke: Well....Bubba's not too good with the girls- or ghouls, neither- he gets shy, and he can't really talk none ever since that cow kicked him in the face when he was 10. So he comes to me, he says, hey Zeke- my name's Zeke, by the way- he says Hey Zeke, you gotta help me talk to Riley, you gotta be my wingman.

Riley: Why is it only the insane fans that we run into in real life? Why is it never the nice people, who tag us in memes or tweet us pictures of their pets?

Zeke: Oh, you want animal pictures? I got loads of 'em right here.

SOUND: Shuffling as Zeke pulls out a selection of polaroids from his bag.

Zeke: Look at this!

SOUND: Evelyn retches.

Riley: That's a dead cow.

Zeke: Yup! You keep it, now. That's yours.

Evelyn: You want me to possess one of these guys?

Riley: No, Evelyn...well, if he tries to break my ankles, maybe-

Bubba: [shocked, indignant noises]

Riley: What, so you're not gonna hobble me and force me to record a bunch of episodes with you? Because I'm sorry, but that's what it looks like is happening here. I mean, hell, you've even got a pig sitting next to you.

SOUND: Pig snorting.

Riley: And if I was gonna describe a kidnapper's dungeon, I would describe this exact fucking room.

Bubba: [upset noises]

Zeke: Come on now, Bubba, they didn't mean it.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, you made him cry....I think? I can't tell with the mask on.

Riley: You're still on his side? He fucking kidnapped us and you're still on his side?

Evelyn: Well, no, not really, but I don't like seeing people cry. I'm sorry, that's just what I'm like!

Zeke: Riley- listen. Listen. We ain't gonna break your legs, and we ain't kidnapped ya. Hell, you ain't even tied up! I dunno why you've been sitting like that, y'all are completely free to move.

Riley: Oh. Huh...I guess my brain just assumed, given my surroundings.

SOUND: Riley gets up.

Zeke: Don't try and leave, though. The door is rigged with a shotgun attached to a trip wire.

Riley: ...Oh.

SOUND: Riley sits back down.

Riley: So, what do you want?

SOUND: Rustling paper and leaves as Bubba holds out a bouquet of flowers.

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Riley: Oh wow. Roses.

Bubba: [insistent grunting]

Riley: Oh, there- I see the card.

SOUND: They unfold the card.

Riley: So these are some squiggles, and a little pen drawing of me and Bubba on a two-person bike.

Bubba: [happy noise]

Riley: Wow, Bubba, that's- maybe you should've led with the card and not the stalking and kidnapping, huh.

Zeke: Fuck's sake, Riley, we ain't kidnapped ya!

Riley: YOU BOOBY-TRAPPED THE DOOR!

Bubba: [questioning]

Zeke: No, it was on AlphaMalePickups.info, and their dating advice always works!

Bubba: [disagreement]

Zeke: That time doesn't count.

Bubba: [incredulity]

Zeke: No, I'm the best at talkin' to girls. You shut up, you don't know shit.

Evelyn: So, do you want me to go get help? I could phase through the door, go back home and get Alexa to call the police. They wouldn't know, it'd be super sneaky.

Riley: No, not yet.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: I don't want to be left here alone with these two.

Evelyn: Okay, well- maybe you can try and use reverse psychology. Let him take you on a date, then when he's not paying attention, you run for it.

Riley: That could work, actually. (they clear their throat) Bubba?

Bubba: huh?

Riley: I'll...uh...we'll have a date, I guess.

Bubba: [squeals]

Riley: Yep, me too-

SOUND: Bones crunching

Riley: (choked) O-okay, big guy, that's, uh- that's enough of a hug. I'm blacking out.

Bubba: [apologetic]

Riley: It's fine...I, uh, I think it's pretty cool that you're so strong. So, what do you wanna do? Wanna go to a movie, maybe get some ice cream...(rushed) preferably in a large, well lit area with loads of witnesses?

Bubba: [disappointed]

Riley: What? What's wrong?

Zeke: Bubba can't go out. He's grounded.

Riley: Grounded?

Zeke: Yeah, on account of you called in to complain about him. Dad got real pissed, 'cuz you're one of his best customers.

Riley: Huh. Well...I'm glad you got some kind of punishment for that...but...how old are you?

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Zeke: Bubba's just turned 21.

Evelyn: Happy Birthday, Bubba!

Riley: So- you're a grown-ass adult, you're like 7 feet tall and stronger than God, and your dad still grounds you.

Bubba: [noise that expresses something to the effect of 'what are you gonna do, hey?']

Riley: That fucking sucks, man. I'm sorry. Maybe we should reschedule the date for after you're grounded-

Bubba: [insistent disagreement]

Zeke: Bubba says no can do, chief. See, he's grounded for a month, and this time next month I'm already gonna be hitchhiking to Burning Man. He wanted me to be here.

Riley: I see.

Zeke: Don't be disappointed, now. Bubba's got a real nice night planned for the two of y'all. Well- I mean, three...counting Evelyn. Four, since I’m here...Ain't that right, Bubba?

Bubba: [grunts in the affirmative]

SOUND: Bubba pulls out a banjo.

Evelyn: Oh, thank god that's just a banjo. I was half expecting an axe.

Riley: No, this is worse. This is way worse.

Evelyn: Riley, this is not the time to make snide comments about other peoples' tastes in music.

Riley: I'm trying to use humour to stay cool, Ev. Let me live.

Zeke: For the last time- we ain't kidnapped ya! It's called 'negging'!

Riley: It was a figure of speech! And I wasn't talking to you!

Bubba: [questioning]

Riley: Yeah, sure, go ahead and play.

SOUND: Bubba starts playing a song on his banjo.

Evelyn: Oh wow, he kinda shreds.

Riley: Of course you would say that.

SOUND: furious banging on the door.

BBQ Dad: Bubba! You cut that racket right now, boy! I'm tryin'a watch the game! And which one of you baboons tied my good shotgun to the ceiling?

Zeke: Get lost, Dad, I got friends over!

BBQ Dad: They better not be talkin' to Bubba or I'll whoop your ass! Y'all know he's grounded for what he done!

SOUND: Bubba puts down the banjo.

Bubba: [sadly apologetic]

Riley: What'd he say?

Zeke: He says he hope you ain't put off by (the volume of his voice raises) THE FACT THAT OUR DAD IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT.

Beat

Zeke: He can't hear me. Old man's goin' deaf.

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Zeke: Yeah, you said it, Bubba.

Riley: It's fine...I mean, you listen to the show, you probably know how I feel about my mom.

Bubba: [expression of solidarity]

Riley: So, uh...what else do you want to do on our...(they kind of puke in their mouth) date?

Bubba: [makes a noise that sounds like he's trying and failing to say 'candlelit dinner']

Evelyn: Aw he's put candles on the folding poker table. That's kind of sweet.

Riley: Evelyn how many times do I have to say he kidnapped me? When is that gonna sink in?

Zeke: (exhausted) Jesus H. Christ on a bike- we ain't-

Riley: Yes!! You did!!! You took me to a location without warning, without my consent, that is the dictionary definition of kidnapping!

SOUND: Plates clattering.

Bubba: [noises]

Evelyn: Oh, that looks- that looks like my brain after the stadium lighting fixture smashed my head open. What is that?

Riley: It's ...uh....patte? I think?

Zeke: No, it's headcheese!

Riley: Eh, not even close to the grossest thing I've eaten.

Evelyn: I know he doesn't respect your boundaries, but you two might actually be perfect for each other.

Riley: Up yours, Evelyn.

Zeke: What'd she say?

Riley: She can't get on my level, food-wise.

SOUND: Chewing and cutlery clinking as they eat.

Zeke: You know, Bubba and me, we really, really liked that episode you did last week.

Evelyn: Oh god, no.

Riley: (impressed) You did?

Evelyn: No- I can't deal with this again.

Zeke: I mean, nobody's speaking out about the Lucky Charms! And it goes way deeper than Lucky Charms, too! Bubba, bubba-

Bubba: [makes an indistinct noise with his mouth full]

Zeke: What was it you were tellin' me about Sugar Crisp?

Bubba: Oh! Uh-huh, uh-huh... [ He starts speaking in indistinct gibberish. His inflection suggests he's telling a story, and he gets very animated- whatever his sugar crisp discovery was, it completely changed his life. At the end of his story, he says one line of particularly serious-sounding gibberish, then leaves a pause for impact.]

SOUND: Bubba makes a noise like an explosion, indicating that his mind was blown.

Evelyn: Is it weird that I feel like I understood all of that?

Riley: Yes.

SOUND: Plates clinking.

Riley: Can I ask you something, Bubba?

Bubba: Uh-huh?

Riley: Why did you bring my mic and laptop and start recording?

Bubba: [unintelligible explanation]

Zeke: Bubba says he wanted to make this date into an episode, y'know, because he wanted to feel involved in something.

Bubba: [agreement]

Beat

Riley: I get the feeling that you don't have a lot of friends.

Bubba: [begrudgingly admitting that they're right]

Riley: I don't have a lot of friends either, so I get it. I mean- I don't generally want to have friends, so it's not exactly the same, but- I get that dealing with people is confusing.

Bubba: [exasperated agreement- I know right? It's so hard!]

Riley: But you know, you could've just- well, I guess you can't talk, but...Evelyn, how do I not be mean?

Evelyn: Tell him that....uh...shoot, you really put me on the spot here-

Riley: (through their teeth) C'mon, Hooper, he's giving me a weird look. If I say the wrong thing he's gonna wig out.

Evelyn: Okay- okay, tell him he's very sweet, and that you appreciate that he has these feelings towards you-

Riley: I think you're...very sweet, and I appreciate that you have these feelings towards me-

Evelyn: But you don't feel the same way back, and it was wrong of him to assume you did.

Riley: But I don't feel the same way back, and it was wrong of you to assume I did.

SOUND: Fork scraping on plate- Bubba's sulking and picking at his food.

Riley: You're taking this pretty well. (to Evelyn) I kind of assumed that he'd completely lose it.

Bubba: [noise that expresses something to the effect of 'I'm right here and I can hear you']

Evelyn: You ought to apologise again. I still think he looks mad- or...that could just be the mask being scrunched up a little at the top.

Riley: I don't know why, I'm not the kidnapper here. Zeke, if you say anything I will gut you with my bare hands.

Evelyn: Yeah, I know, but...it's not his fault he's got a messed-up idea of how to interact with other people. He's a big, mute, redneck cannibal with a dad who yells at him all the time. That's not a very stable home situation.

Riley: I guess you're right.

Evelyn: You know- I think Zeke and Bubba aren't too different from you and me, I mean...listen to them.

Bubba: [makes a noise]

Zeke: No, Bubba, that ain’t gonna solve anything.

Bubba: [insistent]

Zeke: You can't! It's not like human at all.

Bubba: [ continuing to argue his point]

Zeke: I told you, Bubba, the meat's poison. You can't solve all your problems by eating them.

Bubba: [sulks]

Zeke: No, it was your idea!

Bubba: [arguing]

Zeke: No it wasn't, it was your idea!

Riley: I think we should run for it while they're arguing.

Evelyn: I was kind of thinking the same thing. I'll phase through the door, and you can duck down and open the door like halfway to trip the wire, and then once the gun's gone off you run.

Zeke: (unaware of Riley and Evelyn) You're really gonna bring that up in front of people, huh?

Bubba: [exasperated- ‘nobody except you can understand me!’]

Zeke: I know, but one day you're gonna say something around people and they will understand you and what then?

SOUND: Riley gets up and sneaks to the door. Evelyn phases through. Zeke and Bubba are still arguing.

Evelyn: (from the other side of the door) It's at about your shoulder level.

Riley: Ok, I'm gonna duck down as low as I can.

SOUND: The door unlatches, followed by a shotgun blast.

Zeke: Oh, fuck!

Bubba: [upset]

Zeke: No, it looks like they escaped.

Bubba: [relieved, then sad]

Zeke: Yeah, well, I guess you win some you lose some.

The audio cuts.

SOUND: Riley, back in their basement, is happily eating a plate of cheesy fries.

Riley: So, we're safe now, obviously, or else we wouldn't have posted this episode.

Evelyn: Riley managed to flag down a pickup that was driving our way.

Riley: And the next day, I called up Last Chance and explained to Zeke and Bubba's dad what happened. I know he's a piece of shit, but...he at least made them drop my laptop and mic back off at the house, and for my trouble I got a month's supply of free cheesy fries.

Evelyn: Well, I'd just like to say-

Riley: Don't do it.

Evelyn: Come on, let me live.

Riley: Evelyn-

Evelyn: It's a figure of speech! Anyway, I'd just like to say- hey, Bubba, we know you're listening, and we wanna forgive you, but you have to promise you'll never show up at Riley's house uninvited again, okay? We can only forgive you if you promise to do that. Riley likes you-

Riley: Mm- you like him, I tolerate him.

Evelyn: - but only as a friend, and only when you and your brother aren't holding us hostage.

Riley: Right. I'm glad you said it so I don't have to.

[END]

Riley and Evelyn discuss the prevalent topic of the milkshake duck, the standards to which we hold celebrities, and some famous monsters of history turn up in a time machine to clear up some misconceptions - badly.

+Transcript

SOUND: Auld Lang Syne plays.

Scott: Happy New Year, everybody, it’s your friendly neighbourhood audio producer-man, Scott Thomas. If you’re listening to this, it means you survived 2020. Good for you. We’re glad you’re still here with us. It’s been a weird fucking year, hasn’t it? And it probably won’t be the last one - especially seeing as I’m likely to ascend to true godhood when the stars align, and then it’ll be over for all of you. Especially that dick Robbie Mason from 10th grade. [Sinister laugh] Oh, that fucker Robbie is gonna get his. [beat] Wait, what was I saying?

Oh yeah. We here at Less Is Morgue just want to thank you for sticking with us for your biweekly podcast entertainment - especially if you stuck around for the outros. Your support has meant the world to us, and we hope to keep bringing you Your Best Ghoulfriend and Your Ghost Host with the Most for a long time to come. I guess the last thing to say is that we hope you have a happy, healthy, and safe new year, and, without further adieu, on with the show!

SOUND: Song fades out. Episode begins.

Riley: Evelyn, let’s swear an oath to never become famous. Here and now, for all of our listeners.

Evelyn: Never is really not the same thing when you're a ghost, Riley.

Riley: Focus! I’m trying to preserve our integrity here.

Evelyn: I think that’s something we’ll always have, as long as we stay true to the spirit of the show.

Riley: The only spirit on this show is you.

Evelyn: Awww, thank you. That’s such a nice thing to say.

Riley: I was merely stating observable facts. Even if the observable part is only true for me, the undead, and crackpots.

Evelyn: Why are you so worried about getting famous all of a sudden?

Riley: It’s not the getting famous part, but what comes after.

Evelyn: Oh?

Riley: After the glory, here comes the shame: Absolute power, Evelyn. It corrupts, and it does so absolutely completely.

Evelyn: Absolutely and completely?

Riley: Yes. It’s that powerful.

Evelyn: Well, gosh. I guess this is serious.

Riley: I am always one hundred percent serious, Evelyn. The people at home rely on me to give them the pure, unfiltered truth.

Evelyn: Yeah, I'm sure that's why they tune in every other week…

Riley: What’s--

[Intro Music]

Riley: That supposed to mean?

Evelyn: Nothing, Riles. Nothing at all. [to the audience] Hey everyone, if you're listening to this, it means you're here to...uh, get the pure, unfiltered truth from my co-host!

Riley: That’s more like it. Speaking of truth, cannibalism has been recorded in 1,500 animal species, making it ecologically common. And yet, my dad still side-eyes me for eating grandpa. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most. Also: Dear lord, Riley.

Riley: Where was I? Oh, right, the mephitic ulcer of celebrity.

Evelyn: And then Evelyn said “In English, please.”

Riley: You won’t believe who turned out to be a scumbag this week.

Evelyn: What are you, a clickbait headline? That’s right, I can reference the internet too.

Riley: You know Keith Manjaw, the actor from that stupid dinosaur movie?

Evelyn: Raptors of Pluto is not a stupid movie, Riley. It’s for kids, and that’s why you don’t like it.

Riley: Hold up! If it’s a family movie, what’s with all the really obvious sexual innuendo and violence?

Evelyn: It’s PG-13, Riley! They're allowed one F-word, two disembowelments, and some tasteful side boob. It's still kid-friendly.

Riley: You left out the thirty minutes of gratuitous Keith Manjaw shirtless scenes.

Evelyn: Okay, yeah, it’s a lot, but can you blame them? Even I have to admit he’s a hunk-sandwich and I am not down with the boys.

---

Riley: He may look like a hunk-sandwich, but underneath that thick-cut white bread is some spoiled sauerkraut and ham.

Evelyn: But you love spoiled sauerkraut and ham!

Riley: For the purposes of this metaphor, pretend I don't.

Evelyn: Are you just having trouble processing your crushes again? Like that time at Pizza Pizzaz-O with the waiter?

Riley: This is totally different! Trust me, Evelyn, there's evil behind Keith Manjaw’s washboard abs, and this week, he proved it.

Evelyn: What did he actually do? Is he secretly a government shiv or whatever?

Riley: It’s government shill. But no, he isn't. He's something even worse: a member of The Church of Plentiful Smiles and Human Happiness.

Evelyn: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Riley: It’s a human supremacist group, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Oh no, that’s the worst kind of supremacist.

Riley: Which makes him the worst kind of person.

Evelyn: Well, maybe it’s not so bad. He might not know what they’re doing?

Riley: He attends all their weird bongo sessions and throat-singing competitions. I think he knows, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Dang.

Riley: Well, you’ve got nothing to worry about. You’re human and you've got garbage taste in movies, he’d love you.

Evelyn: When you die, you don't really, fully count as human anymore. Ghosts are kind of their own thing - it's in the pamphlet.

Riley: Wait, the pamphlet? What pamphlet? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about the pamphlet?

Evelyn: You know, they give you a pamphlet in the waiting room, explaining the whole “being dead” thing to you.

Riley: Just a pamphlet? At least in Beetlejuice you got a whole handbook.

Evelyn: Eh, it’s a pretty thorough pamphlet.

Riley: We’re digressing again. Look, the message here is simple: you can never love any public figures, because they're always going to turn out to be shitty people and disappoint you. If Keith Manjaw is a jerk, then who’s to say that Keith Pecflex isn’t? Or Keith Sexbeard? or Keith Hammerdong?

Evelyn: That’d ruin the entire Keith cinematic universe!

Riley: Nothing of artistic value would be lost there, but it would still make everyone feel shitty.

Evelyn: I thought that “Four Keiths And A Time Machine” was pretty good actually.

Riley: Evelyn, name a movie you don’t think is “pretty good.”

Evelyn: Middle-Aged Tree Men: The Movie.

Riley: Because it was…

Evelyn: Because it was totally awesome! Which is way better than pretty good!

---

Riley: Okay, so this is why I wanted to talk about this. It’s just a bad look for society when the people responsible for all of our entertainment are also a bunch of hateful, petty assholes. The ancient Greeks had a pantheon of weird, sex-fiend Gods, and our flawed civilisation never grew out of the need for that, apparently.

Evelyn: Well, at least we have online creators, they're all great!

Riley: Evelyn, you poor, sweet child. Evelyn: Who are we supposed to look up to if everyone famous is bad?

Riley: It’s simple. We pay respects to the dead. All the best people get remembered after they die.

Evelyn: Like me?

Riley: [grumbles] Sure, like you.

Evelyn: Yay! Validation!

Riley: Yes, yes, your legacy is secure. Again, Hooper, I ask you to focus. I’m about to give you a history lesson, Riley-style.

Evelyn: Are you going to tell about that Mayan Calender stuff again?

Riley: No, not recent history. We’re going way back. All the way back to years that didn’t begin with 20.

Evelyn: Oooh! Which years, specifically?

Riley: It doesn’t matter. Years are an invention of the Time Travel Suppression Agency of Progress, or “TITS UP.” I want you to concentrate on the events and the people rather than the numbers that the man attaches to them.

Evelyn: Wait, time travel is real?

Riley: Of course it is, how do you think they made “Four Keiths And a Time Machine”? They got the time machine on loan from the military in exchange for all the positive press.

Evelyn: Awww, why does the military get all the cool stuff?

Riley: Because the government funnels more of our tax money into killing people than they do for healthcare, education, or upholding our basic infrastructures.

Evelyn: Wow, Riley, that’s… depressing.

Riley: It was the same back then. And when I say back then, I’m talking about a little known place called The Roman Empire. The government was so corrupt that the refuse from their terrible ideas literally set the city on fire.

Evelyn: And these were the good old days?

Riley: I’m going to need you to wake up and stop using the term “days” like it means anything in tangible reality.

Evelyn: Focus, Almanzor.

Riley: Noted. No doubt about it, times were shit back then. And most of that shit was on fire. However, it was from those shit-fires that heroes would rise. Heroes like Nero.

Evelyn: Oh, I learned about him in history class. He was an Emperor, right?

SOUND: Riley slams their fist on table.

Riley: He was the best damn emperor that whole shit-burning city ever had! While the fat cats and big wigs in the senate were busy with their bureaucracy, Emperor Nero was out there on the scene making real decisions with real consequences. He didn’t take shit from anyone, not even his own mother.

Evelyn: What did he do to her?

Riley: He killed the living shit out of her, Evelyn.

Evelyn: [distressed] Why!?

Riley: She was always up in his space, telling him what to do, who to be, to clean his room, to go get dressed for a job interview…

Evelyn: Wasn’t his job being the Emperor?

Riley: And it was never enough for her, was it?

Evelyn: Was it?

Riley: No! Nero was a stone-cold badass, Evelyn. He fed people to lions! He turned Christians into giant candles! He was really, really good at playing the fiddle! And most importantly, since he's dead as balls, he’ll never, ever let me down!

SOUND: T.A.R.D.I.S. noises inside the basement.

Evelyn: What’s that sound? Are the laundry machines in heat again?

Riley: Evelyn, don’t be ignorant. That right there is a time machine! I've never seen one in person before!

Evelyn: Oh. It doesn’t look like the one from the movie. It’s more like a Port-O-Potty.

Riley: All of the unlicensed ones look like that. Makes it easier to blend in at Woodstock.

Evelyn: And it's so small…

Riley: It’s bigger on the inside.

Evelyn: Oh, like Professor Huh’s Tar--

Riley: Don't say that word on air, it's copyrighted! I don't wanna get sued by the British!

SOUND: Time machine steam escapes. Door opens. Emperor Nero steps out.

Nero: Oh hi. You got any Temporal Jelly? Our stupid time machine is all fluxxed up.

Evelyn: Who's the hairy guy in the bedsheets, Riley?

Riley: That toga, those eyes, that thick, ginger neckbeard… Holy fucking balls! You’re Emperor Nero!

Nero: Aww dang, well, not anymore. “TITS UP” got on my case and all up in my space, so I had to leave Rome behind.

Riley: You’re on the run from the Time Travel Suppression Agency of Progress?

Nero: Yeah, I guess. Aw jeez.

Riley: I have been waiting for this [hesitates] uh…

Evelyn: You were about to say day, weren’t you?

Riley: I’ve been waiting for this moment for all of my life.

Evelyn: Oh lord.

Nero: What’s Rome like in this timeline? Is it still on fire?

Evelyn: Ummm… no?

Riley: No, only economically.

Nero: Oh, thank goodness. It took years to get all that burning shit out of the aqueducts. Anyway, about that jelly. You got any?

Riley: Emperor Nero, take me with you! I’ll help you kill your mom and then you can return the favor.

Evelyn: Riley! Stop asking people to Strangers-On-A-Train your family members!

Nero: Kill my mom!? But I love my mom! She makes the best chicken tenders.

Riley: What? But...you kill your mom, that's part of your legend!

Nero: Are you kidding? I'd be a wreck without her! She runs things way more than me. My Mom's the best!

Riley: You can’t be serious. Next you're going to tell me there were no Christian candles.

Nero: You mean those lovely scented candles I bought from the christians? Aww, those were the bee’s knees. They did wonders for my sinuses.

Riley: [Panicked; Desperate] What about the lions? Did you feed people to lions?

Nero: Oh, Jupiter no, do you know how unhealthy human meat is for lions? And they’d get all the bones caught up in their little whiskers… oh it would be horrible. I had people feed my lions, but only with the finest cat food on our side of the mediterranean.

Riley: No, this is bullshit! You can't be this...lame, in real life! What about all the stories?

Nero: I mean, when you're the Emperor you make a lot of enemies, like all the guys who bullied me in high school. People tend to make stuff up to make you look bad - did you know some people started spreading this rumour I was fiddling while Rome was on fire?

Riley: Yes! It was badass!

Evelyn: Why can't you like nice things?

Nero: It was total baloney! I can't even play the fiddle. But I can play a mean Roman Kazoo…

SOUND: Nero doot-doots on his kazoo

Riley: Ugh, well, whatever. I’m still down to get my fists up at TITS UP. Is there room in that time machine for a ghoul and a sick-ass crossbow?

Evelyn: Hey, don’t leave me behind.

Riley: You don’t take up any space! And I couldn’t leave you behind if I tried.

Evelyn: Because you looove me?

Riley: Because I’m haunted by you!

Nero: Are you alright? You’re shouting. I always get nervous when people shout. Especially at sporting events.

Riley: Can everyone stop being lame for just a second!

Evelyn: Fine.

Nero: Okay.

---

Riley: So, how about it? I have time, I will travel. I’m always looking to rebel against authority figures.

Nero: Aww, gosh, well I’d have to ask Felix about that. He’s the revolutionary leader, I just keep the engine running.

SOUND: Time machine doors open again. Felix “Iron Felix” Dzerzhinsky steps out.

Felix: Comrade Nero, how goes the acquisition of the jelly?

Nero: It’s uh… I’m working on it.

Felix: Then work harder! We all have to pitch in and pull our weight!

Nero: Oh gosh...I'm not sure I'm ready for this jelly.

Riley: Fuck me over the rainbow, is that Fucking Iron Fucking Felix?

Evelyn: Iron Felix?

Riley: Famous Russian revolutionary badass. Killed like a buttload of people. All in the name of freedom.

Felix: Da, comrade. I see my reputation precedes you.

Riley: Don’t you mean, “precedes me”?

Felix: That is what I said.

Nero: They say they want to help us in our zany, time-hopping adventures.

Felix: Ah, well it is good to meet another revolutionary. What is your name, comrade?

Riley: Riley Almanzor, but my codename can be--

Felix: Please, remove any article of clothing and I will sign.

Riley: You will sign?

Felix: Da. I will sign body.

Evelyn: Yeesh. Not cool.

Riley: Uh, no, you won’t.

Felix: Nero likes it when I sign the body of new revolutionary. Like cracking bottle on new ship.

Nero: Well, it does remind me why we do this. To see boobs, mostly.

Felix: Da. Big boobs.

Riley: You’ve come to the wrong place, comrade.

Evelyn: Invisibility is a gift sometimes.

Felix: Ah, well. It is nothing worth sending five more people to the gulag for. Do you have temporal jelly?

Riley: No. Plenty of salt, though.

Felix: [To Nero] They don't have the jelly, comrade. Maybe we should check elsewhere, like sorority house.

Nero: Aww, gosh, those are really hard to get into.

Felix: Not when you have big boots to kick down door.

Evelyn: Should we call the time police? I'm kinda worried about these guys.

Riley: Rule #1, Hooper. Never call the cops for any reason ever.

Felix: In the meantime, we will make ourselves comfortable in this bombing shelter.

Riley: This is my basement!

Felix: And it will do, Comrade Riley. It will do nicely.

Riley: Wait, even if you were still my heroes, you can’t just--

Felix: Nero, grab the dirty mags and pineapple vodka, we may be here for a long time.

Evelyn: I don't like the sound of that.

Riley: Son of a-

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Intense sci-fi action music.

Trailer Narrator: From the studio that brought you Grave Boat and Raptors of Pluto, comes a new sci-fi thriller that is guaranteed to sell thousands of 3D glasses.

Keith Manjaw: If we don’t get this ion crystal to the Floridians before sunset, there’s not gonna be a sun to set.

Trailer Narrator: Keith Manjaw.

Ghoulia Roberts: If the sun doesn’t set before the Floridians get the ion crystal, there won’t be any ions left to crystalize.

Trailer Narrator: Ghoulia Roberts.

Keith Manjaw: You may be a filthy, disgusting ghoul, but I’m not the type of person who would think any less of you for it.

Ghoulia Roberts: You’re the bravest man I know, commander.

Keith Manjaw: I don’t need your validation. Now, quickly, let’s tell the Floridians that the deal’s off. We’re not handing over the ion crystal, they’re giving us the sun.

Trailer Narrator: Written, Directed, and Produced by Keith Manjaw’s brother, who is also named Keith Manjaw. Like the actor, who he is related to. Keith Manjaw in… Floridian Sunset Ion Crystal Swapmeet Snafu… The sun has set, but not just yet.

Keith Manjaw: I’m actually a really nice guy. I swear. Really. Just don't google me.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Felix: ...And that’s when I said to him, “If you knew why you were under arrest, it would defeat the purpose of having secret police.” [Laughs]

Nero: Wow, my mom told a guy who bullied me the same thing once.

Riley: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah, same with mine. Sort of. Listen, fellas. It’s been wild having you guys park your time machine in my basement, which is also my podcast studio, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You know, for the eighteenth time.

Evelyn: You tell ‘em, Riles.

Nero: Aww geez, Riley. You’re being a real buzzkill.

Felix: Yeah, way to ruin the mood.

Riley: You two were both so much cooler before I met you in person.

Nero: I don't really know why you had such high expectations for us.

Felix: Da. We’re only human - who hasn't gunned down a couple families with a Mauser? Nobody’s perfect.

Evelyn: Being human doesn't give you a license to be a huge jerk!

Riley: Yeah, what Evelyn said!

Felix: For the love of Lenin, who's Evelyn? You're the only one here, Comrade.

Nero: Yeah, Riley, you sound a little kooky right now.

Riley: [grunts angrily] That’s it! No more Myxter Nice Ghoul. I’m not going to ask again, get out of my-

SOUND: Time machine doors. H.H. Holmes and Benjamin Pitazel step out.

Holmes: I say, what sort of tomfoolery is going on out here?

Benny: Beats the hell out of me, boss.

Holmes: Oh my, this place is filthy! What hideous decor - have you no sense of style? Where's the panache? The pizzazz? The...the...Benny, what's another word that begins with P?

Benny: Punctuality, boss.

Holmes: Not incorrect but not exactly what I was looking for, either.

Evelyn: Great, there’s more of them.

Riley: I’m sorry, who are you now? I'm running dangerously low on spoons.

Holmes: I’m glad you asked, missy. The name’s H.H. Holmes, owner and operator of the World’s Fair Hotel, the finest vacation destination in all of time. People from all over the world are dying to spend a night in my establishment. Clean beds, great food, and simply unparalleled room service!

Evelyn: Oh dang, Riley! This guy is bad news. He’s a famous serial killer with a body count in the hundreds.

Riley: Wait, how do you know that? It seems so...morbid, for you.

Evelyn: What can I say? I'm an American history buff.

Riley: Surprised I haven’t heard of him, er… [to Holmes] surprised I haven’t heard of you, Mr. Holmes.

Holmes: Well, you wouldn’t have, would you? My competition has been trying to smear me from Day One. Why they even called my pride and joy a “murder castle!” How dare they? The World’s Fair Hotel is anything but, I’ll tell you what.

Riley: Murder castle?

Evelyn: It’s because he murdered people there. It wasn’t even a hotel so much as a bunch of smelly corridors to kill people in. He’s a monster, Riley.

Riley: So I take it you’re on the run from TITS UP as well?

Holmes: Indubitably. Those secret time police are all up in my stache, and it’s getting in the way of me finishing work on my hotel. Isn’t that right, Benny?

Benny: Yeah, boss. Dats the truth.

Holmes: This is Benny, he’s my trusty sidekick.

Evelyn: More like murder accomplice.

Holmes: I never go anywhere without him. He's my lucky rabbit’s foot! Not that I'd ever cut the feet off of any rabbits, of course...

Riley: Cool. Like I was saying to your friends here, you can’t just hang around in my basement.

Holmes: (insulted) Are you evicting us when we’ve only just arrived? I should teach you a thing or two about hospitality, missy.

Riley: Call me that again and I'll rip that stupid moustache off your face.

Felix: This Riley is a feisty one, Comrade Holmes. They even tore up our dirty mags.

Nero: It was awful! Truly awful! How am I ever going to see naked breasts outside of that centerfold?

Riley: Have you ever thought of telling people with boobs that you are the Emperor of Rome? It’ll probably work.

Nero: Aww, man. I never even thought of that. That’d be a game changer.

Riley: You shouldn’t even need that advice! You’re the emperor of Rome!

Felix: They make a good point, Comrade Nero. Once we get jelly, perhaps we return to my time. Nobody parties like the soviets - we were notoriously laid back and fun-loving.

---

Riley: Morbid curiosity has overwhelmed my better judgement. What is Temporal Jelly, anyway?

Holmes: I’ll tell you what it isn’t. It’s not a quicklime smoothie.

Felix: Da. The open bar in your hotel was no help to us.

Benny: Speak for yourself, Felix. Your mix drinks are top notch, boss.

Holmes: They’ll melt you from the inside out. I mean, they'll warm you! Until you die!

Felix: Eh, they were a little weak for my taste, but whatever.

Nero: No more quicklime for me thanks, I can’t handle anymore acid reflux.

Riley: Fine, if none of history’s greatest morons want to answer my question, I’m going to D.I.Y. this shit.

SOUND: Riley typing.

Riley: “How to make Temporal Jelly.”

Evelyn: Riley, are you really going to help these people?

Riley: Help them leave me alone? Any day.

Evelyn: Any what?

Riley: Any… (beat) It says here that you can easily whip up a gallon of temporal jelly by mixing a Monster Energy drink with a pound of…

Evelyn: A pound of what?

Riley: Ectoplasm. (beat) Well, I guess you know what to do, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Excuse you.

Riley: Luckily, I have half a monster energy left over from the time I was ghosting that dream demon. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do. You’ll have to really give it your all, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Give what my all? Ectoplasm isn’t like going to the bathroom.

Riley: Nobody is saying it’s that.

Evelyn: It’s just the way you’re talking about it-

Riley: You’re putting off such a weird vibe right now.

Nero: You’re one to talk. You’re talking to nothing.

Riley: Shut up, Emperor Dipshit.

Nero: Aww.

Riley: Look, Ev, this is important. I’ve eaten more crow today than usual, which is an absurd amount of crow. I need you to make buckets of ectoplasm, or go to the bathroom and get Jon to do it.

Evelyn: This is super exploitative, Riley. We’re not ectoplasm factories!

Riley: Look, Evelyn, I’ll check my privilege later, but right now, I’ve got to do whatever it takes to put history back in the past.

Felix: Comrade Riley, is your mind lost like worker’s soul under capitalist regime?

Holmes: Who are you talking to? Wouldn’t happen to be the ghost of a murder victim, would it?

Riley: (Paranoid) Who said I was talking to a ghost at all!? You’re all crazy!

Holmes: Well, I’m happy to be corrected.

Benny: I dunno, boss. I am starting to sense some sort of presence.

Felix: Da. Almost like a distinctly busty female presence.

Nero: Aww, gosh. Did my mom’s ghost follow us here?

Holmes: Quiet boys. I’ve spoken with the dead before, and they’re a kind bunch, I say. Why, I have half a mind to open a hotel that caters exclusively to dead people.

Benny: That’s the dream, boss. I’ll make it happen for you.

Nero: Seriously, is my mom here? I want to apologize for killing her in the future, which I guess is the past right now.

Felix: Calm your tits, Comrade Nero. You will frighten this incredibly likely to be ravishing ghost away.

Evelyn: I’m incredibly likely to be cheesed off right now. Seriously, Riley. Your heroes are awful! They’re worse than all the Keiths combined! Isn’t there one historical figure worth looking up to? One who is remembered for being good above all else?

SOUND: Betsy Ross kicks down the door.

Betsy: Freeze, day-dodgers! Agent Betsy Ross, of T.T.S.A.P.! You’ve reposted in the wrong timeline, you lousy scallywags!

Nero: Aww, gosh, Felix! It’s TITS UP!

Benny: Boss, get down!

Holmes: It’s because I’m a small business owner, isn’t it? Why I tell you, America always has it out for the small business owners!

Evelyn: Jeepers creepers! That’s Betsy Ross!

Riley: Who?

Evelyn: She designed the American Flag, contributed to the Revolutionary War, and was even anti-slavery!

Riley: I mean that last one isn't all that impressive anymore.

Evelyn: True, but it was pretty good for the time! She’s also, and this is a new, a time cop, apparently.

Betsy: Boys, boys, boys. You never should have been doing this.

Nero: Aww, I’m too young! Felix, help!

Betsy: Wait just a star-spangled second, Felix Dzerzinsky.

SOUND: Bottle of pineapple vodka shatters.

Felix: Iron Felix will not go down without a fight.

Betsy: Put down the half-broken bottle of St. Boris’ Pineapple Vodka. Don’t make me zap you with my future gun.

Felix: We’ll see who is past tense, Agent Ross!

Betsy: Stand down, Felix. I don’t think you’re ready for this temporal jelly.

Nero: Hey, I already made that joke!

Holmes, Riley, Evelyn, and Felix: Shut up, Nero!

Nero: Aww man.

Holmes: I’m not going to prison, for the first and only time, get her Benny!

Benny: Yes, Boss!

Evelyn: Not on my watch.

SOUND: Evelyn possesses Benny.

Benny/Evelyn: Look at me, I’m Benny. H.H. Holmes used me to murder people and then got rid of me. Google it.

Felix: So there is a ghost.

Riley: Yup, and you’ll get to see her soon. Crossbow time!

SOUND: Crossbow loading noises.

Felix: Comrade Riley, are you a traitor?

Riley: History will judge me when it’s my turn, Comrade Felix. Unless you want a taste of my past gun, I suggest you stand down.

Betsy: Looks like we’ve got ourselves a Floridian standoff. In Florida, no less.

Benny/Evelyn: I’ve got Holmes!

Holmes: Benny, how could you betray me like I was planning to betray you!

Benny/Evelyn: Ah-ha! So you admit it! You are a smelly jerkface murderer monster!

Holmes: I just wanted to open a hotel! It’s not my fault! It’s supply and demand!

Betsy: I demand that you supply yourselves over to the law. It’s over, boys.

Nero: Aww, so much for our zany adventures. Can I go Rome now?

Felix: You can’t do this to me! Joseph Stalin called me a “devout knight of the proletariat.”

Riley: You should know better than anyone, Felix. Never trust the words of Joseph Stalin.

Betsy: Nicely done, Riley. Evelyn.

Riley: Hold up, you know our names?

Benny/Evelyn: OH EM GEE, Betsy Ross knows my name!

Betsy: Been a fan of the show for a while now, ever since I started listening for day-dodgers. I caught wind of this band of rapscallions on my lunch break, and thought I’d drop in.

Riley: You’ve been tapping our podcast from the future?

Betsy: The agency listens to a lot of podcasts. We have a lot of (beat) free time. You might say we even have all the time in the world.

Riley: We get it.

Benny/Evelyn: Since the tension has diffused a little bit, do you mind if I-

SOUND: Evelyn un-possesses Benny.

Evelyn: Ah, much better.

Holmes: Let go of me, Benny! We can still give her the slip.

Benny: Nuh uh, boss. I don’t feel in a trusting mood no more.

Holmes: Well, twiddle my mustache and call me a scoundrel.

Betsy: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus and Felix Dzerzinsky, the two of you are under arrest for thirty counts of stoner comedy hijinks and rampant overdue roaming charges.

Nero: Okay, I understand why I’m getting Roman charges, but Felix isn’t Roman, he’s Russian.

Betsy: And we’ll be rushin’ both of you to prison.

Felix: I demand a fair trial. Just like all the fair trials that I famously gave.

Betsy: Tell it to your lawyer: Colonel George Armstrong Custer.

Felix: Nyet, not an american! This is bearshit.

Riley: Yeah, yeah. Face the firing squad with some dignity, comrade.

Betsy: H. H. Holmes, you are… do I even have to say? The agency has had to invent new crimes to describe some of the malarkey you’ve done.

Holmes: We can come to an understanding! We’re both Americans, and what you just said sounds very unconstitutional.

Betsy: Perhaps, but I’ve never been all for what those stuffy men in their powdered wigs had to say about it, anyway.

Evelyn: (giddy) She’s so cool.

Riley: You sure know how to pick ‘em, Evelyn.

Betsy: There’s a time cruiser outside waiting to take these sorry day-dodgers to time court. The two of you did an excellent job. We could use more people like you at the agency. Ghosts and ghouls are encouraged to apply.

Riley: If you’re offering us a job at TIT’S UP, I’m afraid I have to decline. Working for The Man isn’t really my thing.

Evelyn: I wanna go! Do you have a partner? I’d love to be a secret time agent!

Riley: Evelyn says she’s happy here too.

Evelyn: RILEY!

Betsy: Oh, well. I knew you’d turn it down. Future timelines and all. The offer still stands if you ever change your mind.

Riley: We won’t.

Evelyn: This is the saddest day in history.

Betsy: You can keep the unlicensed time machine. We don’t want these things moving around too much, sets a bad precedent. And I’m not talking about Thomas Jefferson.

Riley: Damn, hot takes.

Evelyn: I’ll miss you, Betsy! You’re my world!

Betsy: Keep it old school, you young revolutionaries. Time to get these outlaws processed.

Nero: I hope they serve tenders in time jail.

Felix: Can't we just let bygones be bygones?

Holmes: Maybe hotels aren't such a good idea...Perhaps a new kind of business, that allows people to run miniature hotels out of their own homes, and pay me for brokering the deal! Now that could--

Riley: Shut up, HH Holmes.

SOUND: Betsy leaves along with the rest of the day-dodgers.

Riley: Wow. (beat) That was… a day. How are you, Evelyn?

Evelyn: I’m so mad. I’m so mad, Riley.

Riley: Me too, Ev. I guess there really aren’t any heroes, not even in the distant past.

Evelyn: Except for Betsy flipping Ross! She was my first celebrity crush in middle school history. I can’t believe you.

Riley: Evelyn, even if she was a wholesome do-gooder then, she’s a tool of the establishment now. Or in the future, I guess.

Evelyn: I guess no one is perfect. But ninety three percent is pretty close, and that was also the grade I got on the essay I wrote about her in middle school.

Riley: I’m glad the room feels aggressively gay again. Returns the natural order of things.

Evelyn: And how! Can we make some sort of rule about boob jokes? I feel like I'm disproportionately affected by them, and it makes me worried Captain Cishmale is gonna appear again.

Riley: Anyone who makes one goes to the gulag. Or as we’ll call it, the Booblag.

Evelyn: Hey Riley! Did you know? Your boob jokes. Are [demonic voice] PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Riley: At least I admit I’m part of the problem.

Evelyn: That doesn't-- Fine. Do you want to go watch the next Raptors of Pluto movie?

Riley: Wouldn’t that be supporting Keith Manjaw? Also, it doesn’t come out for another three months.

Evelyn: We’ve got a time machine right here, Riles. I was thinking, maybe we could pirate it… From the future!

Riley: Well, fuck. I gotta stock up on Monster Energy drinks.

Evelyn: Riley, where we’re going, we won’t need Monster Energy drinks.

Riley: Um. Yeah, we do. It’s extremely essential that we have them.

Evelyn: Yeah, I’m not sure why I said that.

[END]