Teddy tries to have a relaxing Saturday but ends up in a conflict with one of his neighbours over a legendary bigmouth bass.

+Transcript

Henry: Hey everybody, it’s Henry Galley, head writer of Less Is Morgue, and the voice of Florida Man, Dave the Ancient Alien, and Pizza Boy Number 3 in the seminal adult film classic, “Busty Brenda’s Bollock Bonanza.” We’re doing things a little differently this week, because we’ve only got six episodes left in Season 1, and we’re really giving it our all to make sure those episodes are an amazing end to the first season. However, we also don’t want to work our team to death in the process - the voice actors, writers, artists, and producer of Less Is Morgue are spread all across the globe, and like you, they’re also making life adjustments at the start of the New Year. But, that doesn’t mean we’re leaving you empty handed.

Today, we’re giving you the wonderful little minisode Teddy Goes Fishing, written by Charlie Porritt and Meg Molloy Tuten, produced by Scott Thomas, and featuring the voice talents of Matt Bradford as Teddy and Zane Schacht as Dr. West.

We hope you enjoy, and we’ll see you again for Episode Twenty-Six of Less Is Morgue on February 14th - which is both Valentine’s Day and the one year anniversary of this show! We’re so thankful to our incredible fans for helping us make it this far - everyone who’s supported the show on patreon, downloaded and listened every two weeks, and recommended this show to friends, you’re amazing and we love you. So, because you’re probably sick of hearing my voice, let’s get on with the show.

--

SOUND: ‘Spindlelegs’ by Evan Gross. Teddy gets out of his car.

Teddy: Ahh, look at this weather! And I’ve got the lake all to myself. It’s a perfect day for some, nice, quiet fishing.

SOUND: Teddy going through the supplies in his car.

Teddy: Let’s see...I’ve got my tackle box, my fishing pole, my novelty fishing hat...now, let’s just get Ol’ Reliable out.

SOUND: Teddy getting his boat. An engine guns as a car pulls up and blares a loud ‘Dukes of Hazzard’-style horn.

Teddy: Ah, great...here comes this joker. Dr West: Teddy, you old dog! Teddy: Dr. West! Fancy running into you here…[Teddy is not surprised to run into him here] Dr West: Well, you know, it’s a perfect Saturday afternoon...nice weather, lake’s not too crowded. I figured it was as good a time as any to test out my latest invention. Feast your eyes on this beauty.

SOUND: Transformer noises, hovering.

Teddy: Well that looks like some fancy hoverboat you’ve got there, doc. Dr West: A ‘hoverboat’? You dullard, Ted, this is far more than a hoverboat! This is the Quint 3000! It’s the ultimate breakthrough in fishing technology. It’s so new I haven’t even patented this bad boy. How about you, buddy? What are you working with, here? Teddy: Oh, uh, this? This is just your standard aluminum dinghy….simple, easy to maintain, no funny business-

SOUND: Dr. West laughs

Dr West: Classic Ted. I love that about you, you’re a simple man of simple pleasures. Teddy: (grumbling under his breath) Yeah, like having one weekend where you don’t show up at the lake… Dr West: What was that? Couldn’t hear you over the Quint’s hover engine. Teddy: Nothing. Dr West: Say, Ted, how’s the wife? Teddy: She’s fine, she’s sleeping in….at least, I assume she sleeps. Dr West: Want me to go round and check for you? (laughs) I’m kidding….your wife is terrifying. Teddy: And how’s your wife doing? Dr West: Oh, Sandra? She’s having brunch at her mother’s. I’ve really been in the doghouse, if you know what I mean...you know how women are, you leave one too many genetic experiments in the fridge, and it’s world war 3 all of a sudden. That’s why I’m out here today- she’ll change her mind when I finally bring home Bigmouth Brad. Teddy: Bigmouth Brad’s just a myth. The Bradford pond staff made him up back in the 70’s to drum up tourism. Dr West: Well, we’ll see who’s right about that. Say, are you a betting man, Ted? Teddy: I’ll sometimes buy a scratch-off card, you know, just to feel some semblance of...something. Dr West: How much do you wanna bet that I can’t catch Bigmouth Brad? Teddy: I’d rather not do this. I’m here to relax. Dr West: What’s wrong, Almanzor? Don’t have the stones? The cojones? The plums? The gonads? The...uh…[ he’s running out of euphemisms] Teddy: [unimpressed] The balls? Dr West: You said it, not me! How much d’you wanna bet? Teddy: [irritated] Oh, alright...5 dollars and my subway loyalty card. Here. I’m one stamp away from a free foot-long. Dr West: I knew you had it in you. Well, may the best man win! I’ll see you later, old man, and next time I’m gonna have a 100-pound bigmouth bass with me.

SOUND: Dr. West hops into his hoverboat and fucks off.

Teddy: (as West is leaving) What a piece of work.

LATER THAT DAY-

SOUND: lake ambience.

Teddy: Now, this is more like it. Just me, the fish, and these tasty, tasty bait worms.

SOUND: Teddy slurping down a handful of worms.

Teddy: Oh, wait, I think that was one of the plastic ones.

SOUND: Dr. West’s hoverboat approaching.

Teddy: Oh, no...not again… Dr West: Hey, Ted! A little free advice for ya- if you stopped eating all the bait yourself, you might actually catch something!

SOUND: Dr. West laughs.

Dr West: I’m kidding! What kind of bait are you using? Teddy: Well, I’ve got some worms, some lizards, some fingers- What about you? Dr West: You don’t need bait when you’ve got science! Teddy: Of course you don’t. Dr West: Check this bad boy! Teddy: Why do you call everything you own a bad boy?

SOUND: Electricity crackling.

Dr West: This is the other invention I’ve been dying to try out - I call it the Frying Nemo 3000. This baby runs on pure, ionic, 12-gauge plasma. Casts just like a regular rod, but when it hits the water, oh boy!

SOUND: A small splash followed by an even louder electrical noise.

Teddy: Gee, uh, is that humane? Dr West: Oh, yeah! Kills them instantly, it’s quick and painful! Teddy: You mean painless, right? Dr West: Nope! I can’t even take full credit for this one, my boy Benjamin gave me the idea. Teddy: Wow. I heard he got his PHD recently. He must be what, 25 now? Dr West: He’s sixteen! And his sister Kathy is 15, she just got her first grant from MIT. Yeah, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with those two, lemme tell you. Us Wests rake in the ol’ PhD’s at the same rate most folks get a haircut. How’s your, uh...what’s your kid’s name again? Teddy: Riley. They’re doing fine. Hasn’t been arrested so far this month, so that’s a win for us. Dr West: Ah, you know what they say, 12’s a difficult age. Teddy: Riley’s 27.

SOUND: Dr. West laughs.

Dr West: Wow! Yikes!

SOUND: Splashing.

Dr West: There! Did you see that! That wake was huge; that could only be Bigmouth Brad the Bigmouth Bass! Out of my way, man, get ready to lose that subway voucher!

SOUND: Hoverboats away

Teddy: What an asshole.

SOUND: Teddy catches a bite

Teddy: Ooh-wee! I think I got something!

SOUND: Teddy reels in a fish

Teddy: Oh my, it...it can’t be! Why...it’s...it’s...aww shucks this is just a normal-mouthed bass. Huh, really had me going there, thought I’d got lucky and caught Bigmouth Brad...say, that gives me an idea. Maybe I can get one over on that old blowhard Dr West! I’ll shapeshift into a fish, pretend I’m Bigmouth Brad and give him the ol’ runaround. Then maybe he’ll get so frustrated that he’ll leave, and I can have my peace and quiet.

SOUND: Teddy consumes and then turns into a fish. Wet slapping.

Teddy: Oh boy, here I go!

SOUND: Teddy jumping into the water.

SOUND: Computery beep boops and the occasional fire of energy weapons.

Dr West: I’m so close to that bass that I can almost taste him. The fish readings in this quadrant are insane! In fact, they’re off the scale!

SOUND: Dr. West chuckles.

Dr West: Nobody’s here to hear my amazing fish jokes. I ought to finally finish programming that onboard AI…

SOUND: Splash and a radar boop.

Dr West: Egads! That radar blip can only mean one thing…[my archnemesis voice] Bigmouth Brad.

SOUND: Fish-Teddy spits water at him.

Dr West: You little bastard, don’t spit on my hoverboat! I just finished waxing it!

SOUND: splashing

Dr West: Come back here!

SOUND: hover boat revving.

A LITTLE LATER THAT DAY

SOUND: Teddy climbing back up onto his boat.

Teddy: Whew, that feels like enough tormenting Dr. West for now. He should be getting ready to leave any minute now. Oh, here he comes-

SOUND: Dr West pulls up alongside Teddy panting angrily.

Teddy: Well, hey Dr West, have any luck catching that bigmouth? Dr West: (wheezing) Bigmouth Brad thinks he can best me? He thinks he can tire me out and make me leave in defeat? Well, the joke’s on him. I’m bringing out the big guns. I’m going to FINish him…Almanzor, laugh. Teddy: What, why? Dr West: FINish...that was a fish pun, come on man! Teddy: [coughs] Dr West: Whatever, here’s the invention. [Under his breath] Troglodyte.

SOUND: Mechanical whirring and Dr West laughing maniacally.

Teddy: My god, that’s...that’s a cannon. That doesn’t seem safe at all. Dr West: And it is going to blow that slippery micropterene bastard right out of the water, once and for all! [cackles] Teddy: Isn’t that a little overkill, Dr. West?

SOUND: Whirring noises

Dr West: What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me setting the cannon to ‘pulverise’. He’s on the fish radar now. Come and get some, you little shit!

SOUND: The cannon goes off, blowing the fish to pieces instantly. Dr. West laughs. The wet slap of what’s left of Bigmouth Brad landing at Dr West’s feet.

Dr West: Go science! That’s how it’s DONE! Teddy: Well, I’m not sure that counts as ‘catching’, but you sure did pulverise that fish. Dr West: Hell yeah I did! Teddy: I’m sure Sandra will appreciate the effort. Dr West: Who? (beat) Oh...oh, shit. My wife. I can’t give her this! I can’t hang these wet chunks of fish guts over our fireplace! Teddy: You could probably still clean and eat it. Dr West: What? No! We’re vegetarians. I only hunt for sport! Teddy: Okay… If you say so. Dr West: Well, I’ve been sufficiently humiliated for the day. I’ll see you around, Teddy. Teddy: See you around, Dr. West. Say hi to the family!

SOUND: Hoverboat zooming away.

Teddy: Well, I’ll make sure none of this fish meat goes to waste. And I’ve finally got my peace and quiet. I can just relax out here on the water.

SOUND: Teddy tunes a small portable radio.

Teddy: Ah, yeah, this is the life.

SOUND: A HUGE splash, which rocks Teddy’s boat.

Teddy: Whoa nelly! That’s some fish! Wait...If West killed Bigmouth Brad….then what was that?

SOUND: An even bigger bigmouth bass surfaces. Makes whale noises.

Teddy: (in awe) The real bigmouth brad…

SOUND: Bigmouth Brad swims away.

Teddy: Swim on, dear friend, swim on.

FIN.