Episode 125: Much Ado About Bubba

After Riley gives Bubba, their favourite GhostMates delivery boy, a shout-out in an episode, he hears the episode and mistakes it for a declaration of love.

+Transcript

Evelyn: So, Riley, you've been in a mood today...are you still bummed about that lame t-shirt that the aliens gave you?

Riley: No....actually, yes...I'm bummed about two things.

Evelyn: What's the second thing?

Riley: Well-

[INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: You know how I order from that BBQ place a lot? And how they always send the same delivery guy? And how a few episodes back I gave him a shout-out on air?

Evelyn: Aww, you mean Bubba? He's so nice- y'know...for a huge, beefy dude who always wears camo pants and masks made out of other people's skin.

Riley: That's the problem with him, Ev! He's a nice guy.

Evelyn: Yeah, he's a really nice guy!

Riley: No, Evelyn. He's a Nice Guy. Capital N, capital G.

Beat

Evelyn: You lost me.

Riley: I’ll explain once we’ve done the intro. I’m your best ghoulfriend, Riley-

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: (rushing) And this is Less Is Morgue the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. (they take a deep breath) Look- you've tried ghost dating, and maybe that doesn’t change, but here in the world of the living, times have changed and the rules of courtship have changed with them.

Evelyn: Uh-huh.

Riley: See, listeners, in the time that I have been ordering out from the Last Chance Texas-Style BBQ, sweet, simple, impressionable Bubba has decided that he is in love with me.

Evelyn: It's really cute.

Riley: It's not cute! It's annoying! The other day he brought me some dead squirrels with my order. I thought, oh, they're rewarding me for tipping so well. But then the next day he showed up even though I hadn't ordered anything.

Evelyn: C'mon, Riley, that was really sweet- he was holding up a boombox and everything. It was just like a John Hughes movie.

Riley: Perfect segue to my point- wooing a potential partner doesn't work like it does in John Hughes movies anymore, Evelyn. People now are aware of things like consent and boundaries, and we've all collectively realised that continuing to go after someone who has never once shown you any romantic interest in return isn't cute, it's not commendable, it's fucking rude and weird and sad.

Evelyn: That's a little harsh. I mean, sure, you've never been explicitly flirty with him or anything, but it's not like you've ever directly told him 'no' either. He probably thinks you're playing coy.

Riley: The past truly is a different country.

Evelyn: So- wait. If you don't want Bubba to come around anymore....why did you order 3 servings of cheesy fries from Last Chance before we started recording?

Riley: They are damn good cheesy fries and I won't let one socially inept delivery boy ruin them for me. I called them up, anyway. I've told them to send a different guy from now on.

SOUND: Knock at the door. Riley goes up the stairs and opens it.

Zeke: Delivery for Riley Almanzor?

Riley: Yep, that's me.

SOUND: Zeke whacking Riley over the head with a hammer.

Zeke: HOW’S THAT FOR CHEESE FRIES?

Evelyn: Oh, I don't like that noise.

SOUND: Zeke, who is hollering like a maniac, runs down the stairs and collects up Riley's mic and laptop.

Evelyn: Oh, I don’t like that noise-

Zeke: Got 'em, Bubba?

Bubba: [indistinct grunting]

Evelyn: I really don't like this.

[ WEIRD AD TIME ]

SOUND: Dramatic music playing

Scott: The new Death Coaster at 4 and a Half Flags over Hell. 19 loops. 50 metres of upside down track. A drop so intense that you will literally go blind. We dare you to ride this and live. You won’t. You literally will, 100%, for sure die. I’m not even doing a bit right now. I’m not playing a character. This is me, Scott Thomas, the actual literal producer of this episode, telling you that if you ride this roller coaster, you will die. And if you somehow do manage to survive the Death Coaster, I have been instructed by the owners of 4 and a Half Flags over Hell to hunt you down and, straight up, uppercut your nose into your brain. I cannot stress enough that Death Coaster isn’t just a name, it is a warning. It is a promise.

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

The audio cuts out. Shuffling as it's turned back on.

Zeke: So I guess I press this here-

Bubba: [uninteligible]

Zeke: God damn it, I'm tryin'! This is a mac.

SOUND: Clicks

Zeke: Hey Bubba, get a load of this! When you make a noise it makes the lil' shapes move up and down! I can see my voice! Come on and see what your voice looks like, Bubba!

SOUND: Bubba comes over. They both start yelling at different volumes and pitches and vocalising randomly.

Evelyn: Hey, Riley...you okay?

Riley: (waking up) Yeah...my head hurts.

Evelyn: Well, you did get knocked out. Do you think you're gonna be seriously injured?

SOUND: Zeke and Bubba continue to make random noises and laugh hysterically at the computerized waveforms.

Riley: My skull won't be nearly as bruised as my ego seeing as these morons managed to kidnap me.

Zeke: Hey, Bubba! Your datemate's awake! Hey, hey Riley- you talkin' to Evelyn over there? Tell her hi for us!

Riley: She can hear you.

Evelyn: Hi, kidnappers!

Zeke: Sorry about whackin' you over the head and all that, real, real sorry- but we had to get you over here somehow. See, my lil' brother and I, we tune in to your show every week. We started listenin' after the first time you ordered us on GhostMates and our ad somehow ended up on your episode. Ain't that right, Bubba?

Bubba: [ unintelligible ]

Zeke: And Bubba really took a shine to the sound of your voice, and your sense of humour, and the fact that you once admitted to eating a whole dead goat in one go.

Riley: I knew that'd come back to haunt me.

Zeke: And you're always so nice to him. Hell, when you went on your show and said he was your favourite delivery guy, well, that was just about the nicest thing anybody'd ever said about him.

Evelyn: (choked up) Oh. Wow.

Riley: Don't you dare feel sympathy for him, he's doing crimes.

Evelyn: You've done crimes and I still love you!

Riley: I'm the exception that proves the rule.

Beat

Riley: I'm sorry, continue.

Zeke: Well....Bubba's not too good with the girls- or ghouls, neither- he gets shy, and he can't really talk none ever since that cow kicked him in the face when he was 10. So he comes to me, he says, hey Zeke- my name's Zeke, by the way- he says Hey Zeke, you gotta help me talk to Riley, you gotta be my wingman.

Riley: Why is it only the insane fans that we run into in real life? Why is it never the nice people, who tag us in memes or tweet us pictures of their pets?

Zeke: Oh, you want animal pictures? I got loads of 'em right here.

SOUND: Shuffling as Zeke pulls out a selection of polaroids from his bag.

Zeke: Look at this!

SOUND: Evelyn retches.

Riley: That's a dead cow.

Zeke: Yup! You keep it, now. That's yours.

Evelyn: You want me to possess one of these guys?

Riley: No, Evelyn...well, if he tries to break my ankles, maybe-

Bubba: [shocked, indignant noises]

Riley: What, so you're not gonna hobble me and force me to record a bunch of episodes with you? Because I'm sorry, but that's what it looks like is happening here. I mean, hell, you've even got a pig sitting next to you.

SOUND: Pig snorting.

Riley: And if I was gonna describe a kidnapper's dungeon, I would describe this exact fucking room.

Bubba: [upset noises]

Zeke: Come on now, Bubba, they didn't mean it.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, you made him cry....I think? I can't tell with the mask on.

Riley: You're still on his side? He fucking kidnapped us and you're still on his side?

Evelyn: Well, no, not really, but I don't like seeing people cry. I'm sorry, that's just what I'm like!

Zeke: Riley- listen. Listen. We ain't gonna break your legs, and we ain't kidnapped ya. Hell, you ain't even tied up! I dunno why you've been sitting like that, y'all are completely free to move.

Riley: Oh. Huh...I guess my brain just assumed, given my surroundings.

SOUND: Riley gets up.

Zeke: Don't try and leave, though. The door is rigged with a shotgun attached to a trip wire.

Riley: ...Oh.

SOUND: Riley sits back down.

Riley: So, what do you want?

SOUND: Rustling paper and leaves as Bubba holds out a bouquet of flowers.

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Riley: Oh wow. Roses.

Bubba: [insistent grunting]

Riley: Oh, there- I see the card.

SOUND: They unfold the card.

Riley: So these are some squiggles, and a little pen drawing of me and Bubba on a two-person bike.

Bubba: [happy noise]

Riley: Wow, Bubba, that's- maybe you should've led with the card and not the stalking and kidnapping, huh.

Zeke: Fuck's sake, Riley, we ain't kidnapped ya!

Riley: YOU BOOBY-TRAPPED THE DOOR!

Bubba: [questioning]

Zeke: No, it was on AlphaMalePickups.info, and their dating advice always works!

Bubba: [disagreement]

Zeke: That time doesn't count.

Bubba: [incredulity]

Zeke: No, I'm the best at talkin' to girls. You shut up, you don't know shit.

Evelyn: So, do you want me to go get help? I could phase through the door, go back home and get Alexa to call the police. They wouldn't know, it'd be super sneaky.

Riley: No, not yet.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: I don't want to be left here alone with these two.

Evelyn: Okay, well- maybe you can try and use reverse psychology. Let him take you on a date, then when he's not paying attention, you run for it.

Riley: That could work, actually. (they clear their throat) Bubba?

Bubba: huh?

Riley: I'll...uh...we'll have a date, I guess.

Bubba: [squeals]

Riley: Yep, me too-

SOUND: Bones crunching

Riley: (choked) O-okay, big guy, that's, uh- that's enough of a hug. I'm blacking out.

Bubba: [apologetic]

Riley: It's fine...I, uh, I think it's pretty cool that you're so strong. So, what do you wanna do? Wanna go to a movie, maybe get some ice cream...(rushed) preferably in a large, well lit area with loads of witnesses?

Bubba: [disappointed]

Riley: What? What's wrong?

Zeke: Bubba can't go out. He's grounded.

Riley: Grounded?

Zeke: Yeah, on account of you called in to complain about him. Dad got real pissed, 'cuz you're one of his best customers.

Riley: Huh. Well...I'm glad you got some kind of punishment for that...but...how old are you?

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Zeke: Bubba's just turned 21.

Evelyn: Happy Birthday, Bubba!

Riley: So- you're a grown-ass adult, you're like 7 feet tall and stronger than God, and your dad still grounds you.

Bubba: [noise that expresses something to the effect of 'what are you gonna do, hey?']

Riley: That fucking sucks, man. I'm sorry. Maybe we should reschedule the date for after you're grounded-

Bubba: [insistent disagreement]

Zeke: Bubba says no can do, chief. See, he's grounded for a month, and this time next month I'm already gonna be hitchhiking to Burning Man. He wanted me to be here.

Riley: I see.

Zeke: Don't be disappointed, now. Bubba's got a real nice night planned for the two of y'all. Well- I mean, three...counting Evelyn. Four, since I’m here...Ain't that right, Bubba?

Bubba: [grunts in the affirmative]

SOUND: Bubba pulls out a banjo.

Evelyn: Oh, thank god that's just a banjo. I was half expecting an axe.

Riley: No, this is worse. This is way worse.

Evelyn: Riley, this is not the time to make snide comments about other peoples' tastes in music.

Riley: I'm trying to use humour to stay cool, Ev. Let me live.

Zeke: For the last time- we ain't kidnapped ya! It's called 'negging'!

Riley: It was a figure of speech! And I wasn't talking to you!

Bubba: [questioning]

Riley: Yeah, sure, go ahead and play.

SOUND: Bubba starts playing a song on his banjo.

Evelyn: Oh wow, he kinda shreds.

Riley: Of course you would say that.

SOUND: furious banging on the door.

BBQ Dad: Bubba! You cut that racket right now, boy! I'm tryin'a watch the game! And which one of you baboons tied my good shotgun to the ceiling?

Zeke: Get lost, Dad, I got friends over!

BBQ Dad: They better not be talkin' to Bubba or I'll whoop your ass! Y'all know he's grounded for what he done!

SOUND: Bubba puts down the banjo.

Bubba: [sadly apologetic]

Riley: What'd he say?

Zeke: He says he hope you ain't put off by (the volume of his voice raises) THE FACT THAT OUR DAD IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT.

Beat

Zeke: He can't hear me. Old man's goin' deaf.

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Zeke: Yeah, you said it, Bubba.

Riley: It's fine...I mean, you listen to the show, you probably know how I feel about my mom.

Bubba: [expression of solidarity]

Riley: So, uh...what else do you want to do on our...(they kind of puke in their mouth) date?

Bubba: [makes a noise that sounds like he's trying and failing to say 'candlelit dinner']

Evelyn: Aw he's put candles on the folding poker table. That's kind of sweet.

Riley: Evelyn how many times do I have to say he kidnapped me? When is that gonna sink in?

Zeke: (exhausted) Jesus H. Christ on a bike- we ain't-

Riley: Yes!! You did!!! You took me to a location without warning, without my consent, that is the dictionary definition of kidnapping!

SOUND: Plates clattering.

Bubba: [noises]

Evelyn: Oh, that looks- that looks like my brain after the stadium lighting fixture smashed my head open. What is that?

Riley: It's ...uh....patte? I think?

Zeke: No, it's headcheese!

Riley: Eh, not even close to the grossest thing I've eaten.

Evelyn: I know he doesn't respect your boundaries, but you two might actually be perfect for each other.

Riley: Up yours, Evelyn.

Zeke: What'd she say?

Riley: She can't get on my level, food-wise.

SOUND: Chewing and cutlery clinking as they eat.

Zeke: You know, Bubba and me, we really, really liked that episode you did last week.

Evelyn: Oh god, no.

Riley: (impressed) You did?

Evelyn: No- I can't deal with this again.

Zeke: I mean, nobody's speaking out about the Lucky Charms! And it goes way deeper than Lucky Charms, too! Bubba, bubba-

Bubba: [makes an indistinct noise with his mouth full]

Zeke: What was it you were tellin' me about Sugar Crisp?

Bubba: Oh! Uh-huh, uh-huh... [ He starts speaking in indistinct gibberish. His inflection suggests he's telling a story, and he gets very animated- whatever his sugar crisp discovery was, it completely changed his life. At the end of his story, he says one line of particularly serious-sounding gibberish, then leaves a pause for impact.]

SOUND: Bubba makes a noise like an explosion, indicating that his mind was blown.

Evelyn: Is it weird that I feel like I understood all of that?

Riley: Yes.

SOUND: Plates clinking.

Riley: Can I ask you something, Bubba?

Bubba: Uh-huh?

Riley: Why did you bring my mic and laptop and start recording?

Bubba: [unintelligible explanation]

Zeke: Bubba says he wanted to make this date into an episode, y'know, because he wanted to feel involved in something.

Bubba: [agreement]

Beat

Riley: I get the feeling that you don't have a lot of friends.

Bubba: [begrudgingly admitting that they're right]

Riley: I don't have a lot of friends either, so I get it. I mean- I don't generally want to have friends, so it's not exactly the same, but- I get that dealing with people is confusing.

Bubba: [exasperated agreement- I know right? It's so hard!]

Riley: But you know, you could've just- well, I guess you can't talk, but...Evelyn, how do I not be mean?

Evelyn: Tell him that....uh...shoot, you really put me on the spot here-

Riley: (through their teeth) C'mon, Hooper, he's giving me a weird look. If I say the wrong thing he's gonna wig out.

Evelyn: Okay- okay, tell him he's very sweet, and that you appreciate that he has these feelings towards you-

Riley: I think you're...very sweet, and I appreciate that you have these feelings towards me-

Evelyn: But you don't feel the same way back, and it was wrong of him to assume you did.

Riley: But I don't feel the same way back, and it was wrong of you to assume I did.

SOUND: Fork scraping on plate- Bubba's sulking and picking at his food.

Riley: You're taking this pretty well. (to Evelyn) I kind of assumed that he'd completely lose it.

Bubba: [noise that expresses something to the effect of 'I'm right here and I can hear you']

Evelyn: You ought to apologise again. I still think he looks mad- or...that could just be the mask being scrunched up a little at the top.

Riley: I don't know why, I'm not the kidnapper here. Zeke, if you say anything I will gut you with my bare hands.

Evelyn: Yeah, I know, but...it's not his fault he's got a messed-up idea of how to interact with other people. He's a big, mute, redneck cannibal with a dad who yells at him all the time. That's not a very stable home situation.

Riley: I guess you're right.

Evelyn: You know- I think Zeke and Bubba aren't too different from you and me, I mean...listen to them.

Bubba: [makes a noise]

Zeke: No, Bubba, that ain’t gonna solve anything.

Bubba: [insistent]

Zeke: You can't! It's not like human at all.

Bubba: [ continuing to argue his point]

Zeke: I told you, Bubba, the meat's poison. You can't solve all your problems by eating them.

Bubba: [sulks]

Zeke: No, it was your idea!

Bubba: [arguing]

Zeke: No it wasn't, it was your idea!

Riley: I think we should run for it while they're arguing.

Evelyn: I was kind of thinking the same thing. I'll phase through the door, and you can duck down and open the door like halfway to trip the wire, and then once the gun's gone off you run.

Zeke: (unaware of Riley and Evelyn) You're really gonna bring that up in front of people, huh?

Bubba: [exasperated- ‘nobody except you can understand me!’]

Zeke: I know, but one day you're gonna say something around people and they will understand you and what then?

SOUND: Riley gets up and sneaks to the door. Evelyn phases through. Zeke and Bubba are still arguing.

Evelyn: (from the other side of the door) It's at about your shoulder level.

Riley: Ok, I'm gonna duck down as low as I can.

SOUND: The door unlatches, followed by a shotgun blast.

Zeke: Oh, fuck!

Bubba: [upset]

Zeke: No, it looks like they escaped.

Bubba: [relieved, then sad]

Zeke: Yeah, well, I guess you win some you lose some.

The audio cuts.

SOUND: Riley, back in their basement, is happily eating a plate of cheesy fries.

Riley: So, we're safe now, obviously, or else we wouldn't have posted this episode.

Evelyn: Riley managed to flag down a pickup that was driving our way.

Riley: And the next day, I called up Last Chance and explained to Zeke and Bubba's dad what happened. I know he's a piece of shit, but...he at least made them drop my laptop and mic back off at the house, and for my trouble I got a month's supply of free cheesy fries.

Evelyn: Well, I'd just like to say-

Riley: Don't do it.

Evelyn: Come on, let me live.

Riley: Evelyn-

Evelyn: It's a figure of speech! Anyway, I'd just like to say- hey, Bubba, we know you're listening, and we wanna forgive you, but you have to promise you'll never show up at Riley's house uninvited again, okay? We can only forgive you if you promise to do that. Riley likes you-

Riley: Mm- you like him, I tolerate him.

Evelyn: - but only as a friend, and only when you and your brother aren't holding us hostage.

Riley: Right. I'm glad you said it so I don't have to.

[END]