Episode 124: Don’t Meet Your Villains
Riley and Evelyn discuss the prevalent topic of the milkshake duck, the standards to which we hold celebrities, and some famous monsters of history turn up in a time machine to clear up some misconceptions - badly.
+Transcript
SOUND: Auld Lang Syne plays.
Scott: Happy New Year, everybody, it’s your friendly neighbourhood audio producer-man, Scott Thomas. If you’re listening to this, it means you survived 2020. Good for you. We’re glad you’re still here with us. It’s been a weird fucking year, hasn’t it? And it probably won’t be the last one - especially seeing as I’m likely to ascend to true godhood when the stars align, and then it’ll be over for all of you. Especially that dick Robbie Mason from 10th grade. [Sinister laugh] Oh, that fucker Robbie is gonna get his. [beat] Wait, what was I saying?
Oh yeah. We here at Less Is Morgue just want to thank you for sticking with us for your biweekly podcast entertainment - especially if you stuck around for the outros. Your support has meant the world to us, and we hope to keep bringing you Your Best Ghoulfriend and Your Ghost Host with the Most for a long time to come. I guess the last thing to say is that we hope you have a happy, healthy, and safe new year, and, without further adieu, on with the show!
SOUND: Song fades out. Episode begins.
Riley: Evelyn, let’s swear an oath to never become famous. Here and now, for all of our listeners.
Evelyn: Never is really not the same thing when you're a ghost, Riley.
Riley: Focus! I’m trying to preserve our integrity here.
Evelyn: I think that’s something we’ll always have, as long as we stay true to the spirit of the show.
Riley: The only spirit on this show is you.
Evelyn: Awww, thank you. That’s such a nice thing to say.
Riley: I was merely stating observable facts. Even if the observable part is only true for me, the undead, and crackpots.
Evelyn: Why are you so worried about getting famous all of a sudden?
Riley: It’s not the getting famous part, but what comes after.
Evelyn: Oh?
Riley: After the glory, here comes the shame: Absolute power, Evelyn. It corrupts, and it does so absolutely completely.
Evelyn: Absolutely and completely?
Riley: Yes. It’s that powerful.
Evelyn: Well, gosh. I guess this is serious.
Riley: I am always one hundred percent serious, Evelyn. The people at home rely on me to give them the pure, unfiltered truth.
Evelyn: Yeah, I'm sure that's why they tune in every other week…
Riley: What’s--
[Intro Music]
Riley: That supposed to mean?
Evelyn: Nothing, Riles. Nothing at all. [to the audience] Hey everyone, if you're listening to this, it means you're here to...uh, get the pure, unfiltered truth from my co-host!
Riley: That’s more like it. Speaking of truth, cannibalism has been recorded in 1,500 animal species, making it ecologically common. And yet, my dad still side-eyes me for eating grandpa. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most. Also: Dear lord, Riley.
Riley: Where was I? Oh, right, the mephitic ulcer of celebrity.
Evelyn: And then Evelyn said “In English, please.”
Riley: You won’t believe who turned out to be a scumbag this week.
Evelyn: What are you, a clickbait headline? That’s right, I can reference the internet too.
Riley: You know Keith Manjaw, the actor from that stupid dinosaur movie?
Evelyn: Raptors of Pluto is not a stupid movie, Riley. It’s for kids, and that’s why you don’t like it.
Riley: Hold up! If it’s a family movie, what’s with all the really obvious sexual innuendo and violence?
Evelyn: It’s PG-13, Riley! They're allowed one F-word, two disembowelments, and some tasteful side boob. It's still kid-friendly.
Riley: You left out the thirty minutes of gratuitous Keith Manjaw shirtless scenes.
Evelyn: Okay, yeah, it’s a lot, but can you blame them? Even I have to admit he’s a hunk-sandwich and I am not down with the boys.
Riley: He may look like a hunk-sandwich, but underneath that thick-cut white bread is some spoiled sauerkraut and ham.
Evelyn: But you love spoiled sauerkraut and ham!
Riley: For the purposes of this metaphor, pretend I don't.
Evelyn: Are you just having trouble processing your crushes again? Like that time at Pizza Pizzaz-O with the waiter?
Riley: This is totally different! Trust me, Evelyn, there's evil behind Keith Manjaw’s washboard abs, and this week, he proved it.
Evelyn: What did he actually do? Is he secretly a government shiv or whatever?
Riley: It’s government shill. But no, he isn't. He's something even worse: a member of The Church of Plentiful Smiles and Human Happiness.
Evelyn: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.
Riley: It’s a human supremacist group, Evelyn!
Evelyn: Oh no, that’s the worst kind of supremacist.
Riley: Which makes him the worst kind of person.
Evelyn: Well, maybe it’s not so bad. He might not know what they’re doing?
Riley: He attends all their weird bongo sessions and throat-singing competitions. I think he knows, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Dang.
Riley: Well, you’ve got nothing to worry about. You’re human and you've got garbage taste in movies, he’d love you.
Evelyn: When you die, you don't really, fully count as human anymore. Ghosts are kind of their own thing - it's in the pamphlet.
Riley: Wait, the pamphlet? What pamphlet? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about the pamphlet?
Evelyn: You know, they give you a pamphlet in the waiting room, explaining the whole “being dead” thing to you.
Riley: Just a pamphlet? At least in Beetlejuice you got a whole handbook.
Evelyn: Eh, it’s a pretty thorough pamphlet.
Riley: We’re digressing again. Look, the message here is simple: you can never love any public figures, because they're always going to turn out to be shitty people and disappoint you. If Keith Manjaw is a jerk, then who’s to say that Keith Pecflex isn’t? Or Keith Sexbeard? or Keith Hammerdong?
Evelyn: That’d ruin the entire Keith cinematic universe!
Riley: Nothing of artistic value would be lost there, but it would still make everyone feel shitty.
Evelyn: I thought that “Four Keiths And A Time Machine” was pretty good actually.
Riley: Evelyn, name a movie you don’t think is “pretty good.”
Evelyn: Middle-Aged Tree Men: The Movie.
Riley: Because it was…
Evelyn: Because it was totally awesome! Which is way better than pretty good!
Riley: Okay, so this is why I wanted to talk about this. It’s just a bad look for society when the people responsible for all of our entertainment are also a bunch of hateful, petty assholes. The ancient Greeks had a pantheon of weird, sex-fiend Gods, and our flawed civilisation never grew out of the need for that, apparently.
Evelyn: Well, at least we have online creators, they're all great!
Riley: Evelyn, you poor, sweet child. Evelyn: Who are we supposed to look up to if everyone famous is bad?
Riley: It’s simple. We pay respects to the dead. All the best people get remembered after they die.
Evelyn: Like me?
Riley: [grumbles] Sure, like you.
Evelyn: Yay! Validation!
Riley: Yes, yes, your legacy is secure. Again, Hooper, I ask you to focus. I’m about to give you a history lesson, Riley-style.
Evelyn: Are you going to tell about that Mayan Calender stuff again?
Riley: No, not recent history. We’re going way back. All the way back to years that didn’t begin with 20.
Evelyn: Oooh! Which years, specifically?
Riley: It doesn’t matter. Years are an invention of the Time Travel Suppression Agency of Progress, or “TITS UP.” I want you to concentrate on the events and the people rather than the numbers that the man attaches to them.
Evelyn: Wait, time travel is real?
Riley: Of course it is, how do you think they made “Four Keiths And a Time Machine”? They got the time machine on loan from the military in exchange for all the positive press.
Evelyn: Awww, why does the military get all the cool stuff?
Riley: Because the government funnels more of our tax money into killing people than they do for healthcare, education, or upholding our basic infrastructures.
Evelyn: Wow, Riley, that’s… depressing.
Riley: It was the same back then. And when I say back then, I’m talking about a little known place called The Roman Empire. The government was so corrupt that the refuse from their terrible ideas literally set the city on fire.
Evelyn: And these were the good old days?
Riley: I’m going to need you to wake up and stop using the term “days” like it means anything in tangible reality.
Evelyn: Focus, Almanzor.
Riley: Noted. No doubt about it, times were shit back then. And most of that shit was on fire. However, it was from those shit-fires that heroes would rise. Heroes like Nero.
Evelyn: Oh, I learned about him in history class. He was an Emperor, right?
SOUND: Riley slams their fist on table.
Riley: He was the best damn emperor that whole shit-burning city ever had! While the fat cats and big wigs in the senate were busy with their bureaucracy, Emperor Nero was out there on the scene making real decisions with real consequences. He didn’t take shit from anyone, not even his own mother.
Evelyn: What did he do to her?
Riley: He killed the living shit out of her, Evelyn.
Evelyn: [distressed] Why!?
Riley: She was always up in his space, telling him what to do, who to be, to clean his room, to go get dressed for a job interview…
Evelyn: Wasn’t his job being the Emperor?
Riley: And it was never enough for her, was it?
Evelyn: Was it?
Riley: No! Nero was a stone-cold badass, Evelyn. He fed people to lions! He turned Christians into giant candles! He was really, really good at playing the fiddle! And most importantly, since he's dead as balls, he’ll never, ever let me down!
SOUND: T.A.R.D.I.S. noises inside the basement.
Evelyn: What’s that sound? Are the laundry machines in heat again?
Riley: Evelyn, don’t be ignorant. That right there is a time machine! I've never seen one in person before!
Evelyn: Oh. It doesn’t look like the one from the movie. It’s more like a Port-O-Potty.
Riley: All of the unlicensed ones look like that. Makes it easier to blend in at Woodstock.
Evelyn: And it's so small…
Riley: It’s bigger on the inside.
Evelyn: Oh, like Professor Huh’s Tar--
Riley: Don't say that word on air, it's copyrighted! I don't wanna get sued by the British!
SOUND: Time machine steam escapes. Door opens. Emperor Nero steps out.
Nero: Oh hi. You got any Temporal Jelly? Our stupid time machine is all fluxxed up.
Evelyn: Who's the hairy guy in the bedsheets, Riley?
Riley: That toga, those eyes, that thick, ginger neckbeard… Holy fucking balls! You’re Emperor Nero!
Nero: Aww dang, well, not anymore. “TITS UP” got on my case and all up in my space, so I had to leave Rome behind.
Riley: You’re on the run from the Time Travel Suppression Agency of Progress?
Nero: Yeah, I guess. Aw jeez.
Riley: I have been waiting for this [hesitates] uh…
Evelyn: You were about to say day, weren’t you?
Riley: I’ve been waiting for this moment for all of my life.
Evelyn: Oh lord.
Nero: What’s Rome like in this timeline? Is it still on fire?
Evelyn: Ummm… no?
Riley: No, only economically.
Nero: Oh, thank goodness. It took years to get all that burning shit out of the aqueducts. Anyway, about that jelly. You got any?
Riley: Emperor Nero, take me with you! I’ll help you kill your mom and then you can return the favor.
Evelyn: Riley! Stop asking people to Strangers-On-A-Train your family members!
Nero: Kill my mom!? But I love my mom! She makes the best chicken tenders.
Riley: What? But...you kill your mom, that's part of your legend!
Nero: Are you kidding? I'd be a wreck without her! She runs things way more than me. My Mom's the best!
Riley: You can’t be serious. Next you're going to tell me there were no Christian candles.
Nero: You mean those lovely scented candles I bought from the christians? Aww, those were the bee’s knees. They did wonders for my sinuses.
Riley: [Panicked; Desperate] What about the lions? Did you feed people to lions?
Nero: Oh, Jupiter no, do you know how unhealthy human meat is for lions? And they’d get all the bones caught up in their little whiskers… oh it would be horrible. I had people feed my lions, but only with the finest cat food on our side of the mediterranean.
Riley: No, this is bullshit! You can't be this...lame, in real life! What about all the stories?
Nero: I mean, when you're the Emperor you make a lot of enemies, like all the guys who bullied me in high school. People tend to make stuff up to make you look bad - did you know some people started spreading this rumour I was fiddling while Rome was on fire?
Riley: Yes! It was badass!
Evelyn: Why can't you like nice things?
Nero: It was total baloney! I can't even play the fiddle. But I can play a mean Roman Kazoo…
SOUND: Nero doot-doots on his kazoo
Riley: Ugh, well, whatever. I’m still down to get my fists up at TITS UP. Is there room in that time machine for a ghoul and a sick-ass crossbow?
Evelyn: Hey, don’t leave me behind.
Riley: You don’t take up any space! And I couldn’t leave you behind if I tried.
Evelyn: Because you looove me?
Riley: Because I’m haunted by you!
Nero: Are you alright? You’re shouting. I always get nervous when people shout. Especially at sporting events.
Riley: Can everyone stop being lame for just a second!
Evelyn: Fine.
Nero: Okay.
Riley: So, how about it? I have time, I will travel. I’m always looking to rebel against authority figures.
Nero: Aww, gosh, well I’d have to ask Felix about that. He’s the revolutionary leader, I just keep the engine running.
SOUND: Time machine doors open again. Felix “Iron Felix” Dzerzhinsky steps out.
Felix: Comrade Nero, how goes the acquisition of the jelly?
Nero: It’s uh… I’m working on it.
Felix: Then work harder! We all have to pitch in and pull our weight!
Nero: Oh gosh...I'm not sure I'm ready for this jelly.
Riley: Fuck me over the rainbow, is that Fucking Iron Fucking Felix?
Evelyn: Iron Felix?
Riley: Famous Russian revolutionary badass. Killed like a buttload of people. All in the name of freedom.
Felix: Da, comrade. I see my reputation precedes you.
Riley: Don’t you mean, “precedes me”?
Felix: That is what I said.
Nero: They say they want to help us in our zany, time-hopping adventures.
Felix: Ah, well it is good to meet another revolutionary. What is your name, comrade?
Riley: Riley Almanzor, but my codename can be--
Felix: Please, remove any article of clothing and I will sign.
Riley: You will sign?
Felix: Da. I will sign body.
Evelyn: Yeesh. Not cool.
Riley: Uh, no, you won’t.
Felix: Nero likes it when I sign the body of new revolutionary. Like cracking bottle on new ship.
Nero: Well, it does remind me why we do this. To see boobs, mostly.
Felix: Da. Big boobs.
Riley: You’ve come to the wrong place, comrade.
Evelyn: Invisibility is a gift sometimes.
Felix: Ah, well. It is nothing worth sending five more people to the gulag for. Do you have temporal jelly?
Riley: No. Plenty of salt, though.
Felix: [To Nero] They don't have the jelly, comrade. Maybe we should check elsewhere, like sorority house.
Nero: Aww, gosh, those are really hard to get into.
Felix: Not when you have big boots to kick down door.
Evelyn: Should we call the time police? I'm kinda worried about these guys.
Riley: Rule #1, Hooper. Never call the cops for any reason ever.
Felix: In the meantime, we will make ourselves comfortable in this bombing shelter.
Riley: This is my basement!
Felix: And it will do, Comrade Riley. It will do nicely.
Riley: Wait, even if you were still my heroes, you can’t just--
Felix: Nero, grab the dirty mags and pineapple vodka, we may be here for a long time.
Evelyn: I don't like the sound of that.
Riley: Son of a-
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Intense sci-fi action music.
Trailer Narrator: From the studio that brought you Grave Boat and Raptors of Pluto, comes a new sci-fi thriller that is guaranteed to sell thousands of 3D glasses.
Keith Manjaw: If we don’t get this ion crystal to the Floridians before sunset, there’s not gonna be a sun to set.
Trailer Narrator: Keith Manjaw.
Ghoulia Roberts: If the sun doesn’t set before the Floridians get the ion crystal, there won’t be any ions left to crystalize.
Trailer Narrator: Ghoulia Roberts.
Keith Manjaw: You may be a filthy, disgusting ghoul, but I’m not the type of person who would think any less of you for it.
Ghoulia Roberts: You’re the bravest man I know, commander.
Keith Manjaw: I don’t need your validation. Now, quickly, let’s tell the Floridians that the deal’s off. We’re not handing over the ion crystal, they’re giving us the sun.
Trailer Narrator: Written, Directed, and Produced by Keith Manjaw’s brother, who is also named Keith Manjaw. Like the actor, who he is related to. Keith Manjaw in… Floridian Sunset Ion Crystal Swapmeet Snafu… The sun has set, but not just yet.
Keith Manjaw: I’m actually a really nice guy. I swear. Really. Just don't google me.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Felix: ...And that’s when I said to him, “If you knew why you were under arrest, it would defeat the purpose of having secret police.” [Laughs]
Nero: Wow, my mom told a guy who bullied me the same thing once.
Riley: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah, same with mine. Sort of. Listen, fellas. It’s been wild having you guys park your time machine in my basement, which is also my podcast studio, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You know, for the eighteenth time.
Evelyn: You tell ‘em, Riles.
Nero: Aww geez, Riley. You’re being a real buzzkill.
Felix: Yeah, way to ruin the mood.
Riley: You two were both so much cooler before I met you in person.
Nero: I don't really know why you had such high expectations for us.
Felix: Da. We’re only human - who hasn't gunned down a couple families with a Mauser? Nobody’s perfect.
Evelyn: Being human doesn't give you a license to be a huge jerk!
Riley: Yeah, what Evelyn said!
Felix: For the love of Lenin, who's Evelyn? You're the only one here, Comrade.
Nero: Yeah, Riley, you sound a little kooky right now.
Riley: [grunts angrily] That’s it! No more Myxter Nice Ghoul. I’m not going to ask again, get out of my-
SOUND: Time machine doors. H.H. Holmes and Benjamin Pitazel step out.
Holmes: I say, what sort of tomfoolery is going on out here?
Benny: Beats the hell out of me, boss.
Holmes: Oh my, this place is filthy! What hideous decor - have you no sense of style? Where's the panache? The pizzazz? The...the...Benny, what's another word that begins with P?
Benny: Punctuality, boss.
Holmes: Not incorrect but not exactly what I was looking for, either.
Evelyn: Great, there’s more of them.
Riley: I’m sorry, who are you now? I'm running dangerously low on spoons.
Holmes: I’m glad you asked, missy. The name’s H.H. Holmes, owner and operator of the World’s Fair Hotel, the finest vacation destination in all of time. People from all over the world are dying to spend a night in my establishment. Clean beds, great food, and simply unparalleled room service!
Evelyn: Oh dang, Riley! This guy is bad news. He’s a famous serial killer with a body count in the hundreds.
Riley: Wait, how do you know that? It seems so...morbid, for you.
Evelyn: What can I say? I'm an American history buff.
Riley: Surprised I haven’t heard of him, er… [to Holmes] surprised I haven’t heard of you, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes: Well, you wouldn’t have, would you? My competition has been trying to smear me from Day One. Why they even called my pride and joy a “murder castle!” How dare they? The World’s Fair Hotel is anything but, I’ll tell you what.
Riley: Murder castle?
Evelyn: It’s because he murdered people there. It wasn’t even a hotel so much as a bunch of smelly corridors to kill people in. He’s a monster, Riley.
Riley: So I take it you’re on the run from TITS UP as well?
Holmes: Indubitably. Those secret time police are all up in my stache, and it’s getting in the way of me finishing work on my hotel. Isn’t that right, Benny?
Benny: Yeah, boss. Dats the truth.
Holmes: This is Benny, he’s my trusty sidekick.
Evelyn: More like murder accomplice.
Holmes: I never go anywhere without him. He's my lucky rabbit’s foot! Not that I'd ever cut the feet off of any rabbits, of course...
Riley: Cool. Like I was saying to your friends here, you can’t just hang around in my basement.
Holmes: (insulted) Are you evicting us when we’ve only just arrived? I should teach you a thing or two about hospitality, missy.
Riley: Call me that again and I'll rip that stupid moustache off your face.
Felix: This Riley is a feisty one, Comrade Holmes. They even tore up our dirty mags.
Nero: It was awful! Truly awful! How am I ever going to see naked breasts outside of that centerfold?
Riley: Have you ever thought of telling people with boobs that you are the Emperor of Rome? It’ll probably work.
Nero: Aww, man. I never even thought of that. That’d be a game changer.
Riley: You shouldn’t even need that advice! You’re the emperor of Rome!
Felix: They make a good point, Comrade Nero. Once we get jelly, perhaps we return to my time. Nobody parties like the soviets - we were notoriously laid back and fun-loving.
Riley: Morbid curiosity has overwhelmed my better judgement. What is Temporal Jelly, anyway?
Holmes: I’ll tell you what it isn’t. It’s not a quicklime smoothie.
Felix: Da. The open bar in your hotel was no help to us.
Benny: Speak for yourself, Felix. Your mix drinks are top notch, boss.
Holmes: They’ll melt you from the inside out. I mean, they'll warm you! Until you die!
Felix: Eh, they were a little weak for my taste, but whatever.
Nero: No more quicklime for me thanks, I can’t handle anymore acid reflux.
Riley: Fine, if none of history’s greatest morons want to answer my question, I’m going to D.I.Y. this shit.
SOUND: Riley typing.
Riley: “How to make Temporal Jelly.”
Evelyn: Riley, are you really going to help these people?
Riley: Help them leave me alone? Any day.
Evelyn: Any what?
Riley: Any… (beat) It says here that you can easily whip up a gallon of temporal jelly by mixing a Monster Energy drink with a pound of…
Evelyn: A pound of what?
Riley: Ectoplasm. (beat) Well, I guess you know what to do, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Excuse you.
Riley: Luckily, I have half a monster energy left over from the time I was ghosting that dream demon. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do. You’ll have to really give it your all, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Give what my all? Ectoplasm isn’t like going to the bathroom.
Riley: Nobody is saying it’s that.
Evelyn: It’s just the way you’re talking about it-
Riley: You’re putting off such a weird vibe right now.
Nero: You’re one to talk. You’re talking to nothing.
Riley: Shut up, Emperor Dipshit.
Nero: Aww.
Riley: Look, Ev, this is important. I’ve eaten more crow today than usual, which is an absurd amount of crow. I need you to make buckets of ectoplasm, or go to the bathroom and get Jon to do it.
Evelyn: This is super exploitative, Riley. We’re not ectoplasm factories!
Riley: Look, Evelyn, I’ll check my privilege later, but right now, I’ve got to do whatever it takes to put history back in the past.
Felix: Comrade Riley, is your mind lost like worker’s soul under capitalist regime?
Holmes: Who are you talking to? Wouldn’t happen to be the ghost of a murder victim, would it?
Riley: (Paranoid) Who said I was talking to a ghost at all!? You’re all crazy!
Holmes: Well, I’m happy to be corrected.
Benny: I dunno, boss. I am starting to sense some sort of presence.
Felix: Da. Almost like a distinctly busty female presence.
Nero: Aww, gosh. Did my mom’s ghost follow us here?
Holmes: Quiet boys. I’ve spoken with the dead before, and they’re a kind bunch, I say. Why, I have half a mind to open a hotel that caters exclusively to dead people.
Benny: That’s the dream, boss. I’ll make it happen for you.
Nero: Seriously, is my mom here? I want to apologize for killing her in the future, which I guess is the past right now.
Felix: Calm your tits, Comrade Nero. You will frighten this incredibly likely to be ravishing ghost away.
Evelyn: I’m incredibly likely to be cheesed off right now. Seriously, Riley. Your heroes are awful! They’re worse than all the Keiths combined! Isn’t there one historical figure worth looking up to? One who is remembered for being good above all else?
SOUND: Betsy Ross kicks down the door.
Betsy: Freeze, day-dodgers! Agent Betsy Ross, of T.T.S.A.P.! You’ve reposted in the wrong timeline, you lousy scallywags!
Nero: Aww, gosh, Felix! It’s TITS UP!
Benny: Boss, get down!
Holmes: It’s because I’m a small business owner, isn’t it? Why I tell you, America always has it out for the small business owners!
Evelyn: Jeepers creepers! That’s Betsy Ross!
Riley: Who?
Evelyn: She designed the American Flag, contributed to the Revolutionary War, and was even anti-slavery!
Riley: I mean that last one isn't all that impressive anymore.
Evelyn: True, but it was pretty good for the time! She’s also, and this is a new, a time cop, apparently.
Betsy: Boys, boys, boys. You never should have been doing this.
Nero: Aww, I’m too young! Felix, help!
Betsy: Wait just a star-spangled second, Felix Dzerzinsky.
SOUND: Bottle of pineapple vodka shatters.
Felix: Iron Felix will not go down without a fight.
Betsy: Put down the half-broken bottle of St. Boris’ Pineapple Vodka. Don’t make me zap you with my future gun.
Felix: We’ll see who is past tense, Agent Ross!
Betsy: Stand down, Felix. I don’t think you’re ready for this temporal jelly.
Nero: Hey, I already made that joke!
Holmes, Riley, Evelyn, and Felix: Shut up, Nero!
Nero: Aww man.
Holmes: I’m not going to prison, for the first and only time, get her Benny!
Benny: Yes, Boss!
Evelyn: Not on my watch.
SOUND: Evelyn possesses Benny.
Benny/Evelyn: Look at me, I’m Benny. H.H. Holmes used me to murder people and then got rid of me. Google it.
Felix: So there is a ghost.
Riley: Yup, and you’ll get to see her soon. Crossbow time!
SOUND: Crossbow loading noises.
Felix: Comrade Riley, are you a traitor?
Riley: History will judge me when it’s my turn, Comrade Felix. Unless you want a taste of my past gun, I suggest you stand down.
Betsy: Looks like we’ve got ourselves a Floridian standoff. In Florida, no less.
Benny/Evelyn: I’ve got Holmes!
Holmes: Benny, how could you betray me like I was planning to betray you!
Benny/Evelyn: Ah-ha! So you admit it! You are a smelly jerkface murderer monster!
Holmes: I just wanted to open a hotel! It’s not my fault! It’s supply and demand!
Betsy: I demand that you supply yourselves over to the law. It’s over, boys.
Nero: Aww, so much for our zany adventures. Can I go Rome now?
Felix: You can’t do this to me! Joseph Stalin called me a “devout knight of the proletariat.”
Riley: You should know better than anyone, Felix. Never trust the words of Joseph Stalin.
Betsy: Nicely done, Riley. Evelyn.
Riley: Hold up, you know our names?
Benny/Evelyn: OH EM GEE, Betsy Ross knows my name!
Betsy: Been a fan of the show for a while now, ever since I started listening for day-dodgers. I caught wind of this band of rapscallions on my lunch break, and thought I’d drop in.
Riley: You’ve been tapping our podcast from the future?
Betsy: The agency listens to a lot of podcasts. We have a lot of (beat) free time. You might say we even have all the time in the world.
Riley: We get it.
Benny/Evelyn: Since the tension has diffused a little bit, do you mind if I-
SOUND: Evelyn un-possesses Benny.
Evelyn: Ah, much better.
Holmes: Let go of me, Benny! We can still give her the slip.
Benny: Nuh uh, boss. I don’t feel in a trusting mood no more.
Holmes: Well, twiddle my mustache and call me a scoundrel.
Betsy: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus and Felix Dzerzinsky, the two of you are under arrest for thirty counts of stoner comedy hijinks and rampant overdue roaming charges.
Nero: Okay, I understand why I’m getting Roman charges, but Felix isn’t Roman, he’s Russian.
Betsy: And we’ll be rushin’ both of you to prison.
Felix: I demand a fair trial. Just like all the fair trials that I famously gave.
Betsy: Tell it to your lawyer: Colonel George Armstrong Custer.
Felix: Nyet, not an american! This is bearshit.
Riley: Yeah, yeah. Face the firing squad with some dignity, comrade.
Betsy: H. H. Holmes, you are… do I even have to say? The agency has had to invent new crimes to describe some of the malarkey you’ve done.
Holmes: We can come to an understanding! We’re both Americans, and what you just said sounds very unconstitutional.
Betsy: Perhaps, but I’ve never been all for what those stuffy men in their powdered wigs had to say about it, anyway.
Evelyn: (giddy) She’s so cool.
Riley: You sure know how to pick ‘em, Evelyn.
Betsy: There’s a time cruiser outside waiting to take these sorry day-dodgers to time court. The two of you did an excellent job. We could use more people like you at the agency. Ghosts and ghouls are encouraged to apply.
Riley: If you’re offering us a job at TIT’S UP, I’m afraid I have to decline. Working for The Man isn’t really my thing.
Evelyn: I wanna go! Do you have a partner? I’d love to be a secret time agent!
Riley: Evelyn says she’s happy here too.
Evelyn: RILEY!
Betsy: Oh, well. I knew you’d turn it down. Future timelines and all. The offer still stands if you ever change your mind.
Riley: We won’t.
Evelyn: This is the saddest day in history.
Betsy: You can keep the unlicensed time machine. We don’t want these things moving around too much, sets a bad precedent. And I’m not talking about Thomas Jefferson.
Riley: Damn, hot takes.
Evelyn: I’ll miss you, Betsy! You’re my world!
Betsy: Keep it old school, you young revolutionaries. Time to get these outlaws processed.
Nero: I hope they serve tenders in time jail.
Felix: Can't we just let bygones be bygones?
Holmes: Maybe hotels aren't such a good idea...Perhaps a new kind of business, that allows people to run miniature hotels out of their own homes, and pay me for brokering the deal! Now that could--
Riley: Shut up, HH Holmes.
SOUND: Betsy leaves along with the rest of the day-dodgers.
Riley: Wow. (beat) That was… a day. How are you, Evelyn?
Evelyn: I’m so mad. I’m so mad, Riley.
Riley: Me too, Ev. I guess there really aren’t any heroes, not even in the distant past.
Evelyn: Except for Betsy flipping Ross! She was my first celebrity crush in middle school history. I can’t believe you.
Riley: Evelyn, even if she was a wholesome do-gooder then, she’s a tool of the establishment now. Or in the future, I guess.
Evelyn: I guess no one is perfect. But ninety three percent is pretty close, and that was also the grade I got on the essay I wrote about her in middle school.
Riley: I’m glad the room feels aggressively gay again. Returns the natural order of things.
Evelyn: And how! Can we make some sort of rule about boob jokes? I feel like I'm disproportionately affected by them, and it makes me worried Captain Cishmale is gonna appear again.
Riley: Anyone who makes one goes to the gulag. Or as we’ll call it, the Booblag.
Evelyn: Hey Riley! Did you know? Your boob jokes. Are [demonic voice] PART OF THE PROBLEM.
Riley: At least I admit I’m part of the problem.
Evelyn: That doesn't-- Fine. Do you want to go watch the next Raptors of Pluto movie?
Riley: Wouldn’t that be supporting Keith Manjaw? Also, it doesn’t come out for another three months.
Evelyn: We’ve got a time machine right here, Riles. I was thinking, maybe we could pirate it… From the future!
Riley: Well, fuck. I gotta stock up on Monster Energy drinks.
Evelyn: Riley, where we’re going, we won’t need Monster Energy drinks.
Riley: Um. Yeah, we do. It’s extremely essential that we have them.
Evelyn: Yeah, I’m not sure why I said that.
[END]