Episode 123: Riley’s Theory Behind The Secret History of Planet Earth
Riley explains a few of their elaborate conspiracy theories to Evelyn. As it turns out, some of these theories have more truth to them than previously thought.
+Transcript
Riley: Hi, I’m Riley, this is Less Is Morgue, and you have never seen a baby pigeon. Why? Because every pigeon on earth is actually a closed-circuit television camera, transmitting a live feed straight to the MIBs. They're always watching you. Always.
Evelyn: Did you take those weird pills again?
Riley: No, Evelyn, this is serious. Honestly, I'm expecting a sniper to take me out any second now, which is why I prefer to stay in rooms without windows.
Evelyn: Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever actually seen you in a room with a window.
Riley: And my head remains intact. This is not a coincidence. In fact, the very idea of coincidences was invented by the deep state to cover up their secret plots.
Evelyn: You told me we were gonna talk about movies today.
Riley: Oh, we are, a little movie called LOOSE CHANGE!
Evelyn: Oh god, not again…
Riley: No, listen. That movie was horse shit. It wasn't Al Qaeda, and it wasn’t Bush, it was the Italian government!
Evelyn: What!?
Riley: They’d had it up to here with Americans talking shit about their dumb crooked penis of a monument, and they finally got their revenge.
Evelyn: Can we please talk about anything that isn't this?
Riley: Okay, let’s talk about the moon landing.
Evelyn: I’m guessing we faked it?
Riley: Of course we faked it, there is no moon. I mean, technically there is, but we’re on it, and what we think is the moon is actually the earth. What I'm saying is, you better buckle the fuck up and open your ears for some truth bombs. If you're Jeff Bezos, or you work for the government, or the shadow government, or the shadow-shadow government, log the fuck off. If your insurance doesn't cover blown minds, we accept no responsibility for your sudden influx of wokeness. This is reality. We’re living in a society, and it is a cancer - we need to cut it out as soon as possible.
Evelyn: This is gonna feel like a long--
SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro.
Evelyn: Episode.
Riley: Don’t even get me started on the concept of time--
Evelyn: I made the mistake of doing that already, it went on for seven consecutive hours.
Riley: I mean, really, the hour is a relative concept. The reason there are twenty-four hours in the day is because there were twenty-four Caesars.
Evelyn: Is that true?
Riley: No. But see how easy it is to spread misinformation?
Evelyn: Is it really “spreading misinformation” if it’s literally just you lying to me?
Riley: Propaganda is basically just the government lying to you. The sooner we rip off this bandaid, the easier things are gonna be for you going forward.
Evelyn: You wanna know how all this started, listeners?
Riley: Don’t! You’ll undermine the message!
Evelyn: Three days ago, they took the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms. Riley hasn't actually slept since, because they've been building one of those red-string picture walls.
Riley: They committed a war crime to see if the world would stop them, and it didn’t!
Evelyn: That isn’t a war crime because this isn’t a war, Riley!
Riley: It is a war! And it’s being fought over the most important meal of the day! The most important meal of my daily life! Listen, you can fuck with the mascot design all damn day, I don’t care. But taking the one thing that has brought us nothing but joy and comfort in a world that brings none is just pure evil. The public may be fine, but I WON’T STAND FOR IT!
Evelyn: Sometimes, Riley, I really do worry about you. Today more so than usual.
Riley: Oh you only care because you’re metaphysically bound to me
Evelyn: Well, that doesn’t help.
SOUND: Riley begins frantically typing.
Riley: This may seem small, Evelyn, but it’s a slippery slope! You pull one thread, and this whole thing starts to unravel into a snowball!
Evelyn: Pick a metaphor, Riley, you can't have them all.
Riley: For instance, the attack on the integrity of Lucky Charms is an attack on..?
Evelyn: ...On cereal?
Riley: [frustrated grunt] THE IRISH, EV! It’s an attack on the Irish.
Evelyn: Why the Irish?
Riley: Because America has always had it out for the Irish. Do you not remember the Prohibition? This is our government’s last stand against them short of another potato famine - which, by the way, was a manufactured Genocide perpetrated by the English.
Evelyn: By taking marshmallows out of a cereal with a leprechaun mascot.
Riley: No. Because it’s a distraction from the real goal.
Evelyn: Which would be?
Riley: Butter.
Evelyn: [Long, deep sigh] Butter.
Riley: Butter.
[LONG PAUSE]
Evelyn: You wanna qualify that?
Riley: [Jolts awake] Sorry, I think I just had like a mini-stroke. I'm approaching sixty hours without sleep.
Evelyn: Suggestion: sleep.
Riley: That’s exactly what they want me to do!
Evelyn: It’s exactly what I want you to do.
Riley: I'm getting so close to busting this nut wide open.
Evelyn: Riley, that is absolutely not the expression.
Riley: Anyway, butter. Did you know that butter is Ireland’s main export?
Evelyn: Is it or is this another twenty-four Caesars thing?
Riley: Oh it’s real. And their biggest buyer?
Evelyn: Paula Deen?
Riley: I’ll give you a hint: Garlic Bread.
Evelyn: Riley, no.
Riley: Riley, yes. The Italians. Specifically the Italian government. And like I said earlier, they were the masterminds behind --
Evelyn: Riley, I know where this is going and you need to stop right now.
Riley: Fine. Hide from the truth. But I refuse to keep our listeners in the dark. Aside from that fateful day, what else can be said of the World Trade Center?
Evelyn: Nothing, hopefully.
Riley: Au contraire! It’s a massive man-made achievement!
Evelyn: Okay, see, that’s a lot better. Yes, I agree.
Riley: And you know what else is a massive man-made achievement?
Evelyn: NICKELBACK’S DEBUT ALBUM “CURB”!
Riley: [Hisses angrily] Silence! I’m talking about the Pyramids of Giza, Evelyn! The ancient tombs of the pharaohs.
Evelyn: Okay, I’m sorry for interrupting your mental breakdown.
Riley: Apology accepted. So, Pyramids. Also a massive man-made achievement, right?
Evelyn: Right.
Riley: Wrong!
Evelyn: Of course.
Riley: Remember, we live on the moon. These are ACTUALLY moon-made achievements! INCLUDING the moon landing video. Which, technically, wasn’t a landing, because the craft only moved sideways.
Evelyn: Riley, your eye is twitching. I really, really, really think you should get some sleep.
Riley: I’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Evelyn. They get you while you sleep!
Evelyn: That's a movie, that's fiction. Like everything else you've said today.
Riley: You only think that because I haven’t finished yet. I’m gonna finish all over this damn room!
Evelyn: I wish you wouldn’t.
Riley: Okay, I’ll make it short. Moonlanding video. Video. Short for Videotape.
Evelyn: [under her breath] No it’s not.
Riley: Zip it. Tape. Like police tape. Like keeping the public AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. And who does that better… than NASA.
SOUND: Evelyn sighs.
Riley: Listen. NASA itself stands for National Aliens Secret Aliens.
Evelyn: Why would they say aliens twice!?
Riley: Because there's a metric fuckload of aliens, Evelyn!
Evelyn: What does “national aliens” even mean? That’s like a total contradiction.
Riley: It’s one of the many things the government doesn't want us to know. But the important bit is the secret aliens.
Evelyn: Why would they put it in their name if it was meant to be secret?
Riley: [Totally ignores Evelyn] There are many secret aliens, but the secret secret alien, as we all know, is the Starchild.
Evelyn: Why would we all know it if it’s a secret secret!?
Riley: Because the secret secret is so secret that it comes back to being public knowledge as a double negative of itself.
Evelyn: That...no ...that's not how any of this works! I'm seriously starting to worry for your health, Riley...wait, what are you drinking over there?
Riley: [Slurp] Diet NyQuil.
Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] HOW ARE YOU ALIVE? [Normal] Okay, okay, I'm just rolling with it. Tell me about the Starchild.
Riley: So the Starchild is rumored to be what delivers us from the heat death of the universe. Some say he lives in area 51 but that’s just meant to throw us off the scent. Some of the internet's top men are on his trail as we speak.
Evelyn: Like who?
Riley: Seattle Astrophysics professor Bob Washington, and TheTruthIsOutThere forum mods PussyInvestigator399, XxPepisPepisxX, and SheTookTheKids123. The Starchild is probably quaking in his little space booties.
Evelyn: So what’s the purpose to all this, then? I’m completely lost.
Riley: Alright, I’ll break it down. There exists a Starchild that is supposed to save us from the heat-death of the universe.
Evelyn: Right.
Riley: We find the child.
Evelyn: Okay.
Riley: We destroy the child.
Evelyn: ...Yes?
Riley: We destroy the child, we find who created him.
Evelyn: And that would be?
Riley: Isn’t it obvious?
Evelyn: No. No it is not.
Riley: Those that created our “salvation” are also the ones who created our entire moon based civilization. The ancient alien race.
Evelyn: There’s no name for this race?
Riley: We don’t know it yet. They’re secret secret, duh.
Evelyn: And they’re behind all this stuff you've been ranting about?
Riley: Evelyn, they're responsible for everything. They engineered swine flu, they caused the 2008 financial collapse, they got me banned from Pizza Pizzazz-O just for speaking the truth to the children in the ball pit!
Evelyn: Okay, so are you done?
Riley: I mean, yeah, that's the bare bones of it, I guess.
Evelyn: Good. So we can move on now? Maybe talk about something else? Like our hobbies, or books we've been reading?
Riley: Fuck, that reminds me! I haven’t told you about how the Voynich Manuscript plays into all of this!
Evelyn: Oh god, please, no--
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: “In The Arms of an Angel”-esque song plays.
Nora Lochmachlan: [Sincerely] Hi, I’m Nora Lochmachlan. I hope you were having a good day, because that's about to stop. Every hour, alien larvae, after bursting from the hosts’ body, are left out in the cold to die. Some are even stomped or shot to death by colonial space marines before they've even had a chance at life. We need this brutality to end. We here at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens, or the SPCA, believe that all creatures deserve to be treated fairly, even if some of them attempt to burrow into your head.
Nora Lochmachlan: There are a number of ways you can help in our mission to improve the quality of life for Xeno-Animals across this and other galaxies. For just two extraterrestrial doubloons a month, we can keep the egg chambers warm in order to foster healthy development in our latest broods. For fifty, you can sponsor a specific Xeno-Animal, and every month we’ll send you pictures of their progress, as they transform from a ten-inch-long worm-like entity to a fourteen-foot exoskeletal nightmare. Finally, if you’re short on cash, but still want to help our cause, you can make the ultimate sacrifice and donate your body to the incubation of these wonderful animals. Rest assured, that even as the creature claws its way out of your chest cavity, your screams of agony will comfort it as it enters the world. This donation tier is also an excellent birthday gift, for friends you don't particularly care for.
SOUND: Horrific clawing noises, screams, chest bursts open, alien noise.
Nora Lochmachlan: [Unfazed] Please email us at SPCASaturn@gmail.com.space.eu and be the answer to a xeno-animal in need. You don’t need a big heart to do it - in fact, they'll probably appreciate the extra space. I'm Nora Lochmachlan. Thank you.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
Riley: --So if we looked at the manuscripts from an Italian perspective, we would find--
Evelyn: Your fascination with the Italian government perplexes and terrifies me.
Riley: They’re up to some shit. We've had it too good for too long.
Evelyn: Look, Riley, it’s clear you put a lot of thought into these theories.
Riley: That’s an understatement. This is scholarly work that will eclipse Darwin. I would have been a professor of like three subjects by now if I hadn't dropped out of middle school.
Evelyn: You dropped out of middle school?
Riley: We don’t have time to go into that right now.
Evelyn: What I'm saying is, I get that it's fun for you to think up all this stuff, cause I guess it's easier to believe that everyone is working against you than to just admit that life is hard.
Riley: There's still so much you don't understand, Evelyn. The Bildeberg Group, the Illuminati!
Evelyn: I’m just saying, Riley, maybe we need to take down this obsession with conspiracy theories just a couple notches. Don't worry, you can still do some of it, because you’re right, the entire world is run by like forty really rich guys, but they're not the Build-A-Bear group.
Riley: You’ve just been brainwashed by the lame-stream media, Evelyn.
Evelyn: And I think you've been brainwashed by all those crazy forums you're always visiting!
Riley: It’s not washing my brain. It’s expanding it! Ironing out all the folds, making it nice and smooth!
Evelyn: Last week, you told me that tap water is making frogs taste worse and it was because of nanomachines in the water molecules!
Riley: I stand by that statement 100%. 1,000%! Haven’t you noticed the water has been tasting funny lately?
Evelyn: I don’t taste anything ever, Riley, I’m dead!
Riley: That’s because the deep state got to you!
Evelyn: Go to bed!
Riley: You go to bed! I’m over here opening people’s minds, and you're over there, floating and mocking me and bringing up Nickelback where he’s not even relevant!
Evelyn: Nickelback is not a he! It’s band formed of Chad Kroeger, Ryan Peake--
Riley: Nobody cares! It’s not relevant!
Evelyn: I don't know how else I can say it, Riley, none of this stuff is real!
SOUND: Celestial alien chanting.
Ancient Alien: [Deep, booming voice] Riley Almanzor.
Riley: Yeah?
Ancient Alien: [Normal] Congratulations, all of that stuff was real!
Riley: Before I celebrate prematurely, can you see him too, Evelyn?
Evelyn: [Sigh] Yeah. I can see him.
Riley: Okay, good. Second question - who the fuck?
Ancient Alien: My name would be impossible to pronounce on your Moonling tongues, but for the purposes of this meeting, you can call me Dave, the ancient alien, and father of the Starchild.
Riley: [Deadpan] Excuse me for one moment, Dave. Evelyn?
Evelyn: Yes, Riley?
Riley: IN YOUR FUCKING FACE! I WAS RIGHT! IT’S ALL REAL! Wait, so we don't have to destroy the child?
Ancient Alien: I’d prefer that you didn't.
Riley: Are you sure? Not even a little? Not even an arm?
Ancient Alien: He’s my son, Riley.
Riley: Okay, I'll put it down as a maybe and we’ll revisit this later.
Evelyn: Ask him how he even knew that we were talking about this?
Ancient Alien: Well, we have cameras everywhere! We hide them in the pigeons.
Evelyn: Wait, you can see me?
Ancient Alien: Of course! I'm a ninth-dimensional being, and ghosts are on the seventh dimension.
Riley: Oh my god. So how much is “got it all right” exactly?
Ancient Alien: Everything! From the Lucky Charms to the Italian government. In fact, especially the Italian government. You should really watch out for them, they're up to some shit.
Riley: That’s exactly what I've been saying!
Ancient Alien: And as a reward for being one of the few to figure it all out, I present you with this!
SOUND: Celestial choir.
Riley: … A shirt?
SOUND: Celestial choir peters out.
Ancient Alien: A shirt!
Riley: Just a shirt?
Ancient Alien: Look at the thread count on that bad boy. That’s damn good quality.
Evelyn: And it’s got something printed on the back!
Riley: “I figured out the history of Earth and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”?
Evelyn: It’s a little tacky, isn't it?
Ancient Alien: What? It's hilarious! That old chestnut never goes out of style.
Riley: You mean to tell me that I put years into this theory and it was all correct, even down to the tiniest detail, and all I get for it is a pat on the back and tacky alien consumerism?
Ancient Alien: I mean, yeah, that's what it says on the back of the shirt, doesn't it?
Riley: But I thought there would be… I don’t know. More?
Ancient Alien: Do you want us to make a crown and dub you King of the Brains or something?
Riley: Yes? Can you do that?
Ancient Alien: Of course not, imagine how many crowns we'd have to make!
Riley: Wait, I’m not even the first person to discover this?
Ancient Alien: Of course not, there's like eight billion people on earth. The first guy to figure it out was someone we abducted back in the sixties. He was the original King of the Brains, you might say, but that didn't save him from the heart attack in ‘81. There's an important lesson about hubris in there.
Riley: No, there has to be more to this.
Ancient Alien: There really isn't.
Riley: I wasted years of my tiny little basement dwelling life on this theory. There HAS to be more. At least more than this kitschy bullshit!
Ancient Alien: Kitschy? But Riley, the thread count--
Riley: Silence, Dave! All of this is no different from the corporate shills in Nebraska selling weed hats and green alien merch because they all saw A crop circle once. Sure, you may be nine feet tall, have sixteen eyes, and appear to be made of light, but that could all just be another false flag!
Ancient Alien: You can’t be serious.
Riley: I’M GONNA EAT THE STARCHILD AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!
Evelyn: You should probably leave. This isn't gonna get any better.
Ancient Alien: But you have all the answers. You should be elated!
Riley: Bullshit! All I have are more questions. I'm gonna need to approach my next theory from a completely different angle. [to themselves] Maybe we don't live on the moon, we live on earth! And the Italian government isn't actually that bad.
Ancient Alien: [Sigh] I’m just gonna go.
Evelyn: That’s probably for the best.
SOUND: Chanting as the Alien disappears.
Riley: Great, now that shill is gone, we can get to work. Evelyn, where are my chocolate earwigs? I need metabolic fuel; I’m gonna be up all night re-figuring this out.
[Riley sounds woozy as they stand up]
Riley: Oof.
Evelyn: You okay there, Riley?
Riley: Yeah, I think all the Nyquil just hit me.
Evelyn: Do you wanna go near something soft, just in case?
SOUND: Riley collapses.
Evelyn: Oh no, they’re dead!
SOUND: Riley begins to snore.
Evelyn: Oh okay, we’re good. [Beat] You know, despite being a weird, paranoid flesh-eating pseudo-goblin, they're kind of adorable when they're sleeping.
Riley: [Sleep talking] LEE HARVEY OSWALD! [Continues to snore]
Evelyn: So what have we learned today? I don't know, the whole thing’s just been kinda confusing. Are we good for time? Yeah, okay, close enough. See you all next episode.
Riley: [Sleeping Yelling] FALSE FLAG!
Evelyn: Bye!
[END OF EPISODE]