Episode 122: Crocodile Rock(ing back and forth in the corner)

After Riley is called out on Twitter, Riley and Evelyn have a difficult but necessary discussion about mental health, with the help of a guest - a local barista who turns into a crocodile during panic attacks.

+Transcript

Riley: Hey listeners, I’m directing what I’m about to say to one specific person right now, so if you’re not twitter user “Granola Moth Heart Emoji Heart Emoji Peach Emoji Flower Emoji”, please block your ears, or skip forward a minute or two. [pause] Okay, hey Granola Moth? Fuck you. You represent everything that’s wrong with the internet, and I want you to know that I hate you.

Evelyn: Riley’s getting cyberbullied again.

Riley: No, I’m not, Evelyn! This isn’t cyberbullying, this is something so much worse. I’ve been the subject of a callout thread. It’s a malicious hit-piece. A total fucking hatchet job. Probably Deep State in nature!

Evelyn: You can just not look at it, you know that, right? You can take a deep breath, close the page, and walk away.

Riley: Evelyn, you are a luddite, and you are a fool. It’s not about the post, it’s about the fact that people are going to read it, and they’re going to agree with it, and then they’re all gonna gang up on me and I’m gonna have to change my name and move to Alaska, where I’ll live among the bears.

Evelyn: It can’t really be that bad, can it?

Riley: Evelyn, once again, I’m gonna have to deliver some harsh truths about life out here in the real world. Listen to what this flower-crown wearing chudmeister is saying about me- “Thread: Does anyone else get super uncomfy listening to Less is Morgue? I feel like some of the dynamics on that show are kind of ick.” I mean, seriously...Ick? Who the fuck says 'Ick'?

Evelyn: That feels like something from before my time, even.

Riley: But wait! It gets stupider! “The fact that Riley is so casual about berating their mom on-air strikes me as being lowkey abusive and that is NOT OKAY, and the fact that so many people on here find it funny and relatable makes me worry about the show’s fanbase. Also, there was that part in episode 13 where they mention flirting with a Pizza Pizzaz-o waiter while he was at work, that also really didn’t sit right with me.”

Evelyn: Yikes, okay, I see.

Riley: I know, right?

Evelyn: Like, why would you listen to 13 entire episodes of a show that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Riley: I know, right? And that second thing isn’t a thing that I did! It’s just something that I mentioned in my book, not even something I actually did in real life!

SOUND: Evelyn inhales as if about to speak.

Riley: I’ve told you a million times it’s not autobiographical! [pause] And as for the mom stuff, this guy’s totally ignoring the context.

Evelyn: Which is?

Riley: My mom is the devil! If “Granola Moth Heart Emoji Heart Emoji Peach Emoji Flower Emoji” could understand Ghoulish, he’d get why I hate her! Do you know what she’s actually saying to me in our video trailer? It’s not nice!

Evelyn: Heck, if he was here in person for any amount of time, he’d understand why you hate her. I mean, I’m dead and your mom makes me fear for my life.

Riley: Exactly! But I’m not surprised that someone’s finally come and wronged me in this way, honestly. My mental problems are very hard to romanticise, so people give me very little slack when it comes to navigating social situations.

Evelyn: That really sucks, because I kinda thought that mental health stuff was getting better. I mean, people at least are open about their struggles now. I spent most of my life in the eighties and nineties. Nobody talked about this stuff back then. Psychiatrists were just for serial killers and rich ladies with adulterous husbands.

Riley: You’re right, sometimes. People are way more accepting about stuff like anxiety and depression than they used to be, but, as mentioned before on this very podcast, I have BPD, a disorder that even the UwU self-care mental health crowd still loves to throw under the bus.

Evelyn: That seems very hypocritical.

Riley: That’s because it is. It’s all well and good for these people to support the mentally ill when they’re crying alone in their rooms and leaving everyone be, but if your mental illness makes you combative and socially awkward, then they get uncomfortable and suddenly you’re ‘toxic’ or whatever.

Evelyn: Alright, have you made your peace?

Riley: Yeah, thanks for letting me vent. Let’s -

[RILEY IS CUT OFF BY THE INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: Do the intro.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, remember to take your medication and stay hydrated.

Riley: During the first few months of the COVID-19 outbreak, the UFC league got around quarantine laws by buying their own private island, populated entirely by UFC fighters. Unfortunately, the previous owners of this island had used it for dinosaur experiments. This mistake led to the highest UFC viewership in over 20 years. I’m Riley, your best- I’m sorry, Ev, I’m still steamed about that tweet thread. Can we talk about that?

Evelyn: No, it’ll only make you more angry.

Riley: Please?

Evelyn: No, I forbid it. Let’s just find you a distraction to hold you over until our guest comes. Is there anything you like to do to blow off steam when you’re stressed out?

Riley: Sleep under my mattress, run around the basement waving my arms, comfort eating...incidentally, that last one was how I met you.

Evelyn: Huh. You learn something new every day. You wanna run around the basement waving your arms for a little while now?

Riley: I dunno, feels weird to do it with someone in here.

Evelyn: I mean, I can turn the other way. I'll do podcast stuff while you get it out of your system.

Riley: Okay. Fine. You just better not look.

Evelyn: Won’t look. Scout’s honour.

SOUND: Riley gets up and begins running around the basement. Breathing; panting. This remains the case throughout Evelyn’s next monologue.

Evelyn: Anyway so, while my co-host is doing that, I'm gonna tell you a little about the episode we've got in store for you. Things are pretty stressful sometimes, whether you're alive or dead, so we figured that today we'd make an episode about that. We've got a guest coming over in a little while who's gonna talk about some of his techniques for mastering anxiety, and I'm gonna make sure everyone’s best ghoulfriend ends the episode feeling a little more...balanced.

Riley: [While running; waving arms] Don’t look!

Evelyn: [To Riley] Don’t worry, not looking! [To audience] And we'd love to hear from you on Twitter about how you deal with times like this. It'd be nice to have more options.

SOUND: Riley comes to a halt and sits down, breathing heavily.

Evelyn: You good?

Riley: Better, at least.

Evelyn: That’s a positive. You need a glass of water or something?

Riley: No, no, I'm good. Stimming helps. So did you do the whole, uh, thing?

Evelyn: Yup. They know exactly what they're in for.

Riley: Okay great, so let's talk about self-help books: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Have you listened to any since you came back to earth? Not to be rude or anything, you just, you know, you seem like the type.

Evelyn: I got the audiobook for “Death is a Gift” by Harry Resnick on the Alexa. The author reads it himself, he's got a really comforting voice, so I listen to it at night sometimes when I get all existential.

Riley: So that's why I've had random Canadian voices manifesting in my dreams.

Evelyn: How about you?

Riley: I think they're a mixed bag. Don't get me wrong, there's some useful shit in there, but I feel like once you've read one you've read them all. Also, these days, they try to sell them to people who think they're above self-help books by awkwardly adding swears.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Well, you know, mindfulness becomes “How to Calm the Fuck Down”, organisation becomes “Get Your Fucking Life In Order.” Stress management becomes “Kill Them All, Every Fucking One of Them, Stack The Bodies and Let God Sort Them Out.”

Evelyn: [Concerned] Is that last one a real title?

Riley: Yeah, Tony Robbins wrote it after his fifth divorce. It was on the New York Times best-seller list all last August.

Evelyn: Really!?

Riley: Yeah, really, police called it the “Month of Blood.”

Evelyn: Yikes on bikes.

Riley: Yikes on bikes indeed. The problem with a healthcare system that's dogshit at getting people the treatment they need is you get plenty of hucksters trying to fill the void.

Evelyn: Oh, like To--

Riley: Shh!

Evelyn: You know saying his name three times won't actually summon him, right?

Riley: No, Evelyn, I don't know that, and I really don't have the spoons to deal with that walking Black Mirror spec script today, so I'm not gonna take that risk.

Evelyn: Okay, fine. But we should at least list some other examples, for the listeners.

Riley: Well, a recent prominent example is well-known scumbag YouTuber Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why opening his “Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why Heals” program.

Evelyn: Let’s just call him Top 5, the full name is a little exhausting.

Riley: Agreed. Top 5 is offering a five hundred dollar one-off service where he claims he can cure all mental and physical ailments with his gun.

Evelyn: Isn’t that just...murder?

Riley: Legally? Not if you sign the waiver, no. But the murder part isn't the problem - it's the fact that it doesn't work.

Evelyn: I mean, the murder part is still a problem, Riley.

Riley: Yeah, but it’s not the problem. Tell me, Evelyn, do you ever get anxious?

Evelyn: Yeah.

Riley: What was the last thing that made you anxious?

Evelyn: SilverStream was in a bidding war for Associates with Hulu, and your mom doesn't have a Hulu subscription.

Riley: See? There you have it, death isn't a cure for mental anguish. You take it with you, like Vegas Herpes.

Evelyn: To be fair, I was crushed to death. Maybe Top 5’s gun is magic.

Riley: Evelyn, there's giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and there's assuming some dumbass prank YouTuber has a magical therapy Glock.

Evelyn: Okay, point taken.

Riley: That being said, I feel like I prefer murderous insanity to being patronised.

Evelyn: I've always seen that as a character flaw of yours.

Riley: The people who really piss me off are the ones who think you can cure soul-crushing depression by doing stretches and eating a tomato. Or, even worse, fuckers like Granola Emoji Whatever The Fuck, who loudly and proudly judge anyone whose mental illness doesn’t present as crying rainbows in a blanket fort. Now, I'm not the aggressive type--

Evelyn: That’s not true.

Riley: But if someone told me to stop being so aggressive and take up yoga when I was really spiralling? I think I'd probably unhinge my jaw and eat their head.

Evelyn: I've seen you do it for less.

Riley: Goopy moralists to the left, condescending douchebags to the right, and I'm stuck in the middle with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. The future is now!

Evelyn: I’m trying really hard to make you feel better here, Riles, but a tango takes two.

Riley: [Sighs] Sorry, sorry. I appreciate the effort, I really do. I guess I'm just kind of in a funk. I’m still not entirely over that twitter thread.

Evelyn: If you grab one of those chewed-up barbie dolls from under the TV, I can possess it and make it do a little dance for you, if you like.

Riley: [long pause] Hmm. Nah, sorry, Ev, I'm just not feeling it.

Evelyn: Dang, I thought that one was too good to fail. [Beat] If you had to describe your exact feelings right now, what would they be

Riley: I dunno, like, all of them at once?

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Like a bunch of people trying to get through one door at the same time, so they’re just kind of all squished together. You don’t know who any of them are, you just kinda know they’ll beat the shit out of you if they get in.

Evelyn: Okay. Can you identify any of the feelings you’re currently experiencing?

Riley: Uhhhh...Hangry, I guess?

Evelyn: That’s good, grab your laptop.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: We’ve got a little while before our guest arrives, so let's at least address the hanger before he shows up. It’s ended badly before when we haven't.

Riley: Not a bad idea, Hooper. Not a bad idea at all.

SOUND: Riley grabs the laptop, and begins typing.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Quirky music. Think insurance commercials.

Bob Sykes: Hi, I’m Bob Sykes, with the KSA. Life’s full of little inconveniences, isn't it? We've all missed the alarm.

SOUND: Alarm going off.

Average Joe: Damn it!

Bob Sykes: We’ve all mixed our plain and coloured fabrics in the washing machine.

SOUND: Washing machine noise. Door opens.

Average Jill: Oh, for the love of--

Bob Sykes: We’ve all forgotten that one important anniversary.

SOUND: Woman tuts; walks away.

Average Joe: Wait, Sheila, please!

Bob Sykes: But you know what’s worst of all? When other people’s things are nicer than yours. You may be thinking, “But Bob, what can I do about this other than stew in my own resentment?” [Chuckles] The answer is simple: stealing.

SOUND: Window shatters. Car alarm.

Bob Sykes: Your neighbour’s new BMW? Steal it!

SOUND: Car speeds away.

Bob Sykes: That new designer handbag that Julie is always flaunting at work? Club the bitch and steal it!

SOUND: Person is struck in the face. Grunts in pain.

Bob Sykes: All that money, just sitting there in the bank, going to waste? Steal it!

SOUND: Alarms going off. Gunshots.

Average Joe: Get down on the fucking ground! All of you!

Average Jill: Don’t test us, we’ll start executing the hostages!

Bob Sykes: Steal your way to a better quality of life. It’s fun, it’s simple, it’s free. I've been Bob Sykes, and this message has been sponsored by the Kleptomania Support Association. Thank you.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Riley chewing.

Evelyn: Feeling better?

Riley: [Chewing] Yeah, a little. [Gulps] Just want to give a little shout-out to Bubba, the GhostMates delivery boy with the human skin mask. You're always there when I need you, unlike various blood relatives and government institutions.

Evelyn: Just a little reminder: our guest should be here any second now.

SOUND: Knock on the basement door.

Evelyn: Oh, how convenient! [Calling up] Come on in!

SOUND: A pause. Then more knocking.

Evelyn: Wait, he can't hear me. Riley?

Riley: Come in!

Eduardo: [Through the door] Okey dokey!

SOUND: Door opens, closes. Ed begins descending the stairs.

Eduardo: Hi! How's it going?

Riley: It’s a long story. Care to introduce yourself?

Eduardo: I’m Eduardo, but you can call me Ed. I’m guessing you're Evelyn, right? The one who emailed me?

Evelyn: That’s me!

Riley: No, sorry, I'm Riley. Evelyn is here, though, you just can't see her. That’s the downside of mortal guests. You're human, right?

Eduardo: Kinda!

Riley: Sinister. Well, take a seat.

Eduardo: Don’t mind if I do.

Riley: You want some barbecue? I feel weird being the only one eating.

Eduardo: I appreciate the offer, but I'm vegan.

Riley: Fair enough. More for me.

Eduardo: Actually, can you not eat that while I’m here?

Riley: Why? Is it the chewing noises? I can close my mouth.

Eduardo: No, no, it’s just because being around meat makes me uncomfy. I don’t like thinking about where it comes from, y’know?

Riley: Oh, I’m sorry, am I not allowed to choose what I eat in my own house? Am I not allowed to enjoy the simple pleasures of barbecue under your watch?

Evelyn: Riley! He’s our guest, you should be accommodating!

Riley: Alright, alright. No more “uncomfy” guests on this show.

SOUND: Riley closing the takeaway box and sliding it out of view.

Evelyn: Ask him about himself.

Riley: Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

Eduardo: Ooh, boy, pressure! Gotta sell myself. [Nervous laugh] Well, I’ve lived in Florida my whole life - I love the humidity.

Riley: You might be the only one who does.

Eduardo: I’m a Virgo, I have a pet koi named Kevin, and I work as a barista at the local Cool Beans.

Riley: Cool Beans?

Evelyn: A-ha! So people do still say it!

Eduardo: That new coffee chain in town, right next to the Lord of the Harvest.

SOUND: Riley snaps their fingers in recognition.

Riley: Right! The health food place where all the product names are weird empowering slogans?

Eduardo: Exactly! I can almost never afford to go there, but they have the best I Am A Roaring Lion.

Riley: What’s that in English?

Eduardo: Oh, it’s a brand of asparagus water. It’s great. They actually started stocking a lot more of it after Loeball Farm’s Bone Milk mysteriously fell off the market.

Riley: I’m sensing we have very different lifestyles.

Eduardo: How come?

Evelyn: Be careful here, Riley.

Riley: Well - and please don't take this the wrong way, because I mean it as a compliment - you’re some fresh-faced little health food twink, and like twenty minutes ago I was drinking a candle.

Eduardo: Oh. That doesn't sound good for you.

Riley: It isn't, but when your pipes are wax-coated the scorpions go down a lot easier.

Evelyn: I genuinely don't know why I'm the dead one sometimes.

Riley: So today, we’re talking about mental health, mindfulness, self-care, that whole nightmarish minefield.

Eduardo: [Nervous laugh] I’m familiar with the subject.

Riley: How familiar?

Eduardo: Did your, uh, did your co-host tell you why she wanted to have me on?

Riley: No, she neglected to brief me on that. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Why not ask him? That's kind of the point of an interview,

Riley: [Forcing politeness] So, Ed, tell me why you're on a podcast I co-host.

Eduardo: Well, like I said, I have a condition.

Riley: Don’t we all, Ed….Don’t we all.

Eduardo: It’s a very rare condition. It’s called Stress-Induced Therianthropy Disorder. A lot of people haven't heard of it.

Riley: So is it like an anxiety disorder?

Eduardo: Yeah, basically, just with one key difference.

Riley: ...Which is?

SOUND: Ed sighs; embarrassed.

Eduardo: Okay so...instead of having panic attacks…

Riley: Right?

Eduardo: I turn into a nineteen foot crocodile.

[BEAT - AWKWARD SILENCE]

Riley: [Genuinely Shocked] Huh?

Eduardo: [Frustrated Sigh] Yeah, I know, it’s embarrassing. I don't like to talk about it much, but I figured by coming on here I could raise awareness and reduce the stigma for other sufferers. Riley: Are there...other...sufferers? Eduardo: I mean there’s a few billion people on earth so, statistically, probably, right?

Riley: [pause] I guess!? Evelyn, I got nothing, you take over.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I can't do that.

Riley: He’s your guest!

Evelyn: He can’t even hear me!

Riley: You should have thought about that in advance!

Eduardo: Uh, guys, is everything okay?

Evelyn: Tell him it’s fine.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: Cause if he thinks we’re fighting he might get stressed. And if he gets stressed, he might turn into a crocodile and kill us.

Riley: Kill me! Shit. [To Ed] We’re fine, Ed, just fine.

Eduardo: You don’t sound fine. I can come back, if you want. Riley: No, we’re good. Let’s do this. So, Ed. Before you got here, we were talking about the stigma around less commonly-recognised mental disorders, something that you, apparently, have a lot of experience with.

Eduardo: Yeah, I mean, it’s been hard. Most people don’t even believe that SITD is real, so I can’t get a lot of help for it outside of general anti-anxiety medication, which doesn’t completely stop the episodes from happening. Even really small things can set me off, especially if I’ve already had a stressful day.

Riley: I feel that, dude. No offense, but I’m genuinely surprised and impressed you manage to hold down a job.

Eduardo: [nervous laugh] Me too! I’d be happier if it was something that paid a little better, but food service really is the only industry where people don’t mind if the odd employee of theirs gets death-rolled.

Riley: Which, you know...in a way, we’re all kind of being death-rolled by capitalism.

Eduardo: I mean, I guess.

Riley: So how many people have you killed?

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What? The listeners might like to know!

Eduardo: I really don’t want to answer that on-air.

Riley: So it’s not zero?

Eduardo: Please don’t do this to me.

Riley: Sounds like it’s at least one.

SOUND: Ed hisses.

Eduardo: [He takes a deep breath] Sorry, almost lost it for a second there.

Riley: Okay, I won’t bring it up again. [To Evelyn] Jeez, this dude’s high strung.

Evelyn: To be fair, you get stressed out when people bring up your body count.

SOUND: Riley grumbles.

Riley: I guess you’re right. What should I ask him?

Evelyn: Coping methods?

Riley: That works. (to Ed) So, Ed, how do you avoid stress?

Eduardo: Well, I love gardening. I’ve got a little balcony where I grow chilli peppers and basil and stuff, plus some lavender for the bees. And I find taking care of Kevin is really relaxing. Anybody who says a fish can’t express love has never met a koi.

Evelyn: That sounds adorable! Ask him if we can see a picture!

Riley: [Emotionless] Evelyn wants to see a picture.

Eduardo: Sure!

SOUND: He pulls his phone out.

Evelyn: Wow, that’s a really big fish.

Riley: He looks delicious.

Eduardo: [Horrified] What?

Riley: I’m not trying to be mean, I’ve said that about literally every animal I’ve ever seen.

SOUND: Ed scoots his chair back.

Riley: Come on, you don’t have to-

Eduardo: It’s for your safety, not mine. So, uh...Riley, what are some of your preferred self-care techniques?

Riley: Well, I have a lot of stims. And I write, which can sometimes be frustrating, but it’s sometimes therapeutic. I also play a lot of those video games that are strategically designed to be relaxing, you know, Minecraft, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing... Hey, you have the energy of someone who owns a Switch, what’s your friend code? Maybe I can add you.

Eduardo: Oh, I can’t do those. Too stressful.

Riley: Farming virtual corn and redecorating virtual houses is too stressful?

Eduardo: Yeah, like, it’s so much pressure. The more effort I put into crafting my perfect video game world, the more I end up just being like...damn, I could be doing this in real life, but I’m wasting time doing it for this fake little animal me.

Evelyn: He is high strung, holy cow.

Riley: But at least he's honest. So, Ed.

Eduardo: Yeah?

Riley: Earlier, we were also talking about bad mental health advice.

Eduardo: Yeah, unfortunately there's a lot of noise out there. And a lot of resources aren't even written for people who suffer from the condition, they're for neurotypicals, about how to put up with us.

Riley: Oof, yeah. Search up 'managing BPD' and you get a lot of 'Does my boyfriend have BPD? Should I leave him?' bullshit. And don't get me started on Autism moms. I could go off for days.

Eduardo: If you google SITD, the first 6 results are for an industrial metal band and the 7th is a wikihow article on how to pretend you're a werecat.

Riley: It's really a load of garbage out there, huh?

Eduardo: Yeah, it's all kind of ick.

[beat]

Riley: What did you say?

Eduardo: Ick?

Riley: That's what I thought. I noticed you said uncomfy earlier, too.

Eduardo: Do you have a problem with me saying that?

Riley: Yes. What’s your twitter account called?

Evelyn: Riley, please don't do this.

Eduardo: KoiDad30.

Riley: Is that the only account you have?

Eduardo: Uh…no?

Riley: You’re Granola Moth, aren’t you?

Eduardo: Look, I can explain-

Riley: That wasn’t a no, fucker!

Eduardo: I was just venting, that's my vent account. I never thought you'd actually read it.

Riley: Why would you listen to 13 episodes of, then tweet your takes about, and then guest on, a show that you hate?

Eduardo: I don't hate it, you just make me uncomfortable! I don't like when you yell at your mom!

Riley: Why not?

Eduardo: I just don't think there's an excuse for being mean to your parents, okay? Is that a controversial opinion?

Riley: In this basement? Yes. You're trying to usurp this operation from the inside by making me look like I'm in the wrong!

Eduardo: If you want me to think you aren't toxic, you're not doing a very good job!

Riley: If you're trying not to be dead, you're not doing a very good job!

Evelyn: Riley, stop! His eyes are going weird!

Riley: [Mocking] Don't say that, Evelyn, you might make him uncomfy.

Evelyn: Please just calm down for a second, before-

SOUND: Ed transforms. Growling and hissing. Now in crocodile form, he hisses and snaps at them.

Evelyn: That happens.

SOUND: Audio glitches. Crocodile-Ed is now on a rampage - hissing, thrashing, knocking shit over. Riley is attempting to wrestle with him. Both Evelyn and Riley are having to yell over the sound of the thrashing.

Evelyn: -You were the one that started yelling at him, you could've just gotten on with the episode!

Riley: I feel like you're victim-blaming here! I had no idea he was Granola Moth, okay? The realisation took me off guard and I panicked! Let’s just deal with the giant fucking crocodile, you can judge me for my outburst if I live.

SOUND: Riley screams as they're tossed around.

Riley: Can you summon the ghost of Steve Irwin or something? I need a fucking hand here, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Oh! I, um, I read something about crocodiles once. Gosh, what was it?

Riley: REMEMBER FASTER!

Evelyn: Oh yeah! They can bite really hard but if you hold their mouth closed they can't open it!

Riley: [Struggling] Great. Now how do we turn him back?

Evelyn: I don't know! It’s like he said, there's almost no literature available on his condition!

SOUND: Footsteps outside the basement door, followed by furious banging from Carmen.

Riley: I'm a little busy right now, mom! Fuck off!

SOUND: The basement door opens and Carmen comes down the stairs. She grabs Ed by the tail and throws him across the room before snarling at Riley and stomping back upstairs.

Riley: Okay, mom. I'm sorry I almost died. [under their breath] Bitch. [normal] Alright, well, I'd better clean up before she cuts my head off and mounts it in the front hallway as a warning.

SOUND: Ed sits up and rubs his head, groaning.

Eduardo: So...that was your mom?

Riley: Yep.

Eduardo: Jesus Christ.

Riley: Did you look into her eyes?

Eduardo: I almost did for a second, but it started to hurt.

Riley: Now do you see why I'm so ‘problematic’ towards her?

Eduardo: Yeah, I guess I do. That’s gonna be a long journal entry tonight.

Riley: Maybe next time, think twice about judging people in a public forum.

SOUND: Evelyn clears her throat.

Riley: What?

Evelyn: Is there anything you want to say to Ed?

Riley: Huh? Oh...sure, whatever. I'm sorry I snapped at you, figuratively speaking.

Eduardo: I'm sorry I snapped at you, literally speaking.

Riley: I guess we're both in the wrong. We’ve both got our own shit to deal with.

Eduardo: And that's valid. Sometimes that's how it is.

Riley: Do you want an ice pack for your head?

Eduardo: No, I think the best thing for me to do would be to remove myself from the situation. Bye guys, thanks for having me on.

Riley: Thanks for apologising to my face.

Eduardo: ...Sure, okay.

SOUND: Ed walks up the stairs, opens and closes the basement door, leaves.

Evelyn: So, Riley, how’re you feeling?

Riley: Better, on the whole, as weird as that feels to say. I'll probably be better after a nap, too.

Evelyn: What about the barbecue you ordered?

Riley: Oh, I don't mind if it gets cold, or mouldy. Just adds character.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: I wanna nap but I still have a little bit of energy. You know, like, adrenaline. You mind finishing the podcast off while I--

Evelyn: Go for it.

Riley: Thanks, Ev.

SOUND: Riley begins running around the room waving their arms around again.

Evelyn: That’s the episode, folks. Having a brain can be pretty hard at times, so be kind to each other. And if you’re having a bad mental health day, maybe stay off twitter. Hope you've all had a good time! Byeeee!

Riley: Don’t look!

Evelyn: Not looking!

[END OF EPISODE]