Episode 121: The Grudge(s)

After being attacked by a vampire at Pizza Pizzazz-O, Riley decides to teach a lesson about forgiveness by bringing the vampire back to the basement to escape the sun. But forgiveness doesn’t come quite as easily as they thought. Thankfully, the ghost of a dead KGB Agent is here to help.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners. I wanna tell you something. I’m gonna impart some life advice. Because I know we have some fellow shapeshifters in the audience, and I don't want any of you to potentially repeat my mistakes.

Evelyn: I thought you said we were gonna save this for after the intro.

Riley: No, Evelyn, this is important. This is the cold open. I’ve decided.

Evelyn: Alright, fine. I was gonna talk about how I started watching Love Volcano but I guess this works too.

Riley: Shh. Anyway. So, I'm sure all of you are aware of the existence of Pizza Pizzaz-O - an eatery we’ve alluded to multiple times in this maelstrom of a series. It's a terrible chain of children's pizza restaurants and indoor playgrounds, and there's one of them a block away from my house. I should clarify, the pizza is very bad but the games are legit. But, they have a rule that says only kids are allowed to play the games.

Evelyn: I don't think that's a rule, I think you just got kicked out a bunch of times and they won't let you back in anymore.

Riley: The point is, I was very bored and I decided I wanted to win a pogo stick for myself. So, I had to disguise myself as a child to play the games. Listeners... Do not ever do this. Why? Because if you turn yourself into a child, you've made yourself open and vulnerable to attacks.

Camille: [Yelling from the other side of the room] Fuck you.

Riley: [Loudly] Which brings me to the point of this story - We have a special, very un-planned guest in the basement today. Someone who is also the kind of trash adult who tries to beat children at whack a mole, but who, unlike me, is willing to defend their high score with physical violence.

Evelyn: You can't see it but Riley’s gesturing to a big bite on their neck. It's not bleeding anymore, so don't be too worried.

Riley: Special guest, would you like to come over here and introduce yourself?

Camille: You know I have a migraine and it's your fault. No.

Riley: Come on - sadly, it won’t kill you.

Evelyn: Our guest this week is a vampire.

SOUND: Heavy platform boots stomping from one side of the room to the other. Camille groans continuously as she crosses the room.

Camille: I'm Camille Domino and the whole internet can suck my dick.

Riley: Camille is here because she bit me when I beat her at skee-ball - I really, really, really wanted the free kill, no points for guessing who. I'm letting our guest here sleep off her sickness because we're almost at peak sunlight hours, and today's theme is “forgiveness.”

Camille: Bold of you to try and forgive me for something that's your fault.

Riley: [Through gritted teeth] That's right, forgiveness. Sit back down.

Camille: I don't even want to be on your podcast, actually. I'm taking my shoes off and I’m going to bed.

SOUND: An absurd number of shoe buckles and zippers being undone, followed by Camille’s heavy boots being thrown down. Soft creaking of bedsprings.

Riley: Could you go back to the couch and not sleep in my -

SOUND: Camille hissing.

Riley: Alright, alright. Sleep where you want.

Evelyn: So, who was that guy you wanted to tell me about?

Riley: Right, I'm getting to that. Listeners, we all know about noted YouTuber Top Five Nastiest Slimes and Here's Why. Formerly known as Everything Wrong With Slimes, formerly known as Johnny Johnny Elsa Finger Family Spiderman Slime.

Evelyn: I've never heard of this person. Why does he have so many aliases?

Riley: He legally changes his name every time the youtube search algorithm changes. Anyway, his videos are just...absolute dogshit. I'll show you a clip.

SOUND: Riley opening a new tab on their laptop.

Top 5: What is up guys, I'm here with my boys Glorb and Smeeve and today we're gonna prank our friend Yort by putting him in our highly realistic box fort jail!

SOUND: Prison cell door being opened and closed; Yort being shanked.

Yort: Haha, guys, very funny...I've been shanked. I'm losing a lot of fluids.

SOUND: Air horns.

Riley: Evelyn, I don't know if you've noticed this since you've been here, but YouTube is bonkers now. It's all people like this.

Evelyn: I miss the Dancing Baby. That made sense....sort of.

Riley: So anyway, the reason I bring up this absolute fucking idiot is he's had another huge public fuckup that he now has to apologise for.

Evelyn: The shanking?

Riley: No, no, that guy's fine. They're all slime monsters so it's okay.

Evelyn: That's good?

Riley: He made a gofundme to raise money to save this movie theatre in his hometown, and he raised about a million bucks, but the money never got to the theatre.

Evelyn: You mean he spent it all?

Riley: Yep. He wasn't even subtle about it. In the next video he posted on his Blob Vlog, he had like 12 pairs of Yeezys suspended in his cytoplasm.

Evelyn: This guy sounds like a real jerk.

Riley: Yep, and this is just weeks after he was recorded in a Starbucks saying that he could've stopped 9/11 if he'd been there with his gun.

Evelyn: What?

Riley: Yeah.

Evelyn: How would he even...how ….he doesn't have hands!

Riley: Yet somehow he owns a gun! And if that isn't everything that's wrong with America, I don't know what is!

Evelyn: Why do you bring all this up?

Riley: Because I've got a question for you, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Go on.

Riley: Should we, the public, the audience...forgive him?

Evelyn: I don't think that's a hard question.

Riley: Well, we'll see what you think after I show you his apology video.

Evelyn: Oh, at least he apologised.

Riley: Just watch.

Top 5: What is up guys, I'm Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here's Why and uh...I returned all the ….I returned half of the yeezys. What I did was totally bogus, and I realise that. I've done the best I can to fix the situation...thank you so much to all the fans in the blob nation who have been supporting me during this hard time.

Evelyn: Huh.

Riley: What's your verdict?

SOUND: Bedsprings creaking.

Camille: Do you want to know something about forgiveness?

Riley: You're sick, go to bed.

Camille: I'm an adult, you don't own me.

SOUND: Soft footsteps.

Evelyn: You're …[Giggles] really short without those shoes on.

Camille: At least I have feet.

Evelyn: I can't help it, I'm a ghost!

Camille: [mocking] I can't help it, I'm a ghost!

SOUND: Camille slams her hands on the desk.

Camille: Children, listen.

Riley: What happened to that migraine?

Camille: I'm here and if I have to listen to you, you have to listen to me.

SOUND: Camille burps sickly and whines.

Camille: My mouth tastes like ass. I think ghouls should be extinct.

Riley: I'm right here.

Camille: I wouldn't have said it if you weren't! [Whining] Nothing can eat you, it's not faiiiiiir.

SOUND: She makes more upset noises.

Camille: What are we talking about, forgiveness?

Riley: Yeah, it's a noun.

Camille: You were watching that Top 10 Slimes that Will Ruin Your Childhood Forever, right?

Evelyn: It's actually Top 5-

Camille: [Defensive] Shut up I said it wrong on purpose! Anyway, I think if you give money to YouTubers, you're a rube.

Riley: Most of his audience are children.

Camille: Yeah, kids are fucking rubes. And they spend money on stupid shit anyway, like what do 8 year olds even buy? Fucking....Fortnite skins? Pogs? Pokey-men? I don't know what kids do.

Evelyn: But you hang out at Pizza Pizzaz-o.

Camille: I go there to win, not to make friends.

Riley: Do you have a point or are you just having some kind of fever-induced episode?

Camille: BOTH. Kanye deserved the money from selling those 12 pairs of Yeezys. He's a good businessman.

Riley: He sells plain t-shirts for hundreds of dollars.

Camille: And idiots buy them! He's this century's Barnum. Listen - Capitalism is a broken system, and the only way to get anywhere in this world is to scalp all the chumps you can get your greasy little paws on. Do not forgive Top 15 Slimes that will Blow Your Tits Clean Off, for he has done nothing wrong.

Riley: It's Top-

Camille: No, that was on purpose too, I'm doing a bit.

[Beat.]

Camille: I know what his name is.

[Beat.]

Camille: Don't ask me! I know it. Anyway, let me tell you about forgiveness. Nobody deserves it. I used to be the forgiving type, but then I realized revenge was so much more satisfying. Revenge is immediate, and effective.

Riley: So that's why you bit me.

Camille: Absolutely, and you would've gotten much worse if it weren't for your disgusting horrible blood.

SOUND: Camille burps again and whines, louder and more obnoxiously.

Evelyn: Do you want anything? Can I get you anything? Pepto bismol? Flat ginger ale?

Camille: Later. I'm gonna tell you a story about effective score-settling.

Riley: You know someone once told me whoever embarks on a journey of revenge should dig two graves.

SOUND: Camille laughs.

Camille: I’ve had to dig way more than two graves in my time. Listen - here's my story. Moscow, 1961. Dimitri and I were at the train station with a suitcase full of stolen uranium--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Reece: Hi, I'm Reece Geese.

John: And I'm Jonathan J. Bonathan. We're a couple of guys who love talking about crimes.

Reece: That's why we started Beers and Bullets, a True Crime podcast with a difference.

John: We skip the mainstream stuff to give you True Crime fans only the freshest and most cutting edge True Crime stories. Every week, we present the major clues and theories behind crimes that haven't even been committed yet. Like the string of serial arson attacks that we're going to commit, or that guy that Reece was planning on poisoning for insurance money.

Reece: That's right, you might say we're less a traditional True Crime podcast and more of a Do Crimes podcast, because John and I? We do crimes.

SOUND: They both laugh.

SOUND: Furious banging in the background.

Police Officer: This is the police, come out with your hands up!

SOUND: John loads a gun and starts shooting at the police.

Reece: [yelling over the gunfire] And if you subscribe to our Patreon, every week you'll get exclusive access to cool stuff like early drafts of our ransom notes, the weapons we used, the license plates from our various stolen getaway cars, and at the 50 dollar tier, you can even get the fingers of someone we murdered.

SOUND: The door busts down and the gunfire gets louder.

John: I'M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL!

Reece: Subscribe to Beer and Bullets on Apple podcasts, spotify, google-

SOUND: One extremely loud gunshot and the audio cuts out completely and is replaced by a signal interruption beep.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Camille: --And then I just washed myself off and left. Funny thing actually, Dimitri survived for six more years. No doctor could ever figure out how!

SOUND: She laughs like she's just told a really funny story.

[There's a long silence.]

Riley: I've eaten week-old roadkill out of the treads in my cousin's car tires before, and what you just said is still the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced.

Evelyn: That was like dying ...again.

Camille: Your generation is so sensitive.

Riley: Your generation had radioactive health spas and Stalin.

Camille: Okay, fair point, I guess.

Riley: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Camille: Dimitri got what was coming to him! He started it!

Evelyn: He really didn't!

Camille: It's not even the worst thing I've done to someone. When I found out my human thrall was doing errands for a vampire from another clan I-

Riley: Stop this!

SOUND: Riley sighs heavily.

Riley: Evelyn, you got any stories about forgiveness?

Evelyn: Oh yeah! I think I have a couple. One time in high school, my friend went behind my back and told my crush that I like-liked her, because he wanted to set us up on a date, and it was really awkward because it turned out she was straight. It really hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for a week.

Camille: He sounds like a shitty friend.

Evelyn: But the thing is, he wasn't. Harris was my best friend, right up until I died. He was just kind of an idiot when we were kids.

Camille: Doesn't matter, loose lips [struggling against the lisp]...loose lips sink, uh...Fuck him. You should've dropped him. And hell, you should've done something to get back at the girl, too.

Evelyn: Wh- she couldn't help not being gay, Camille. That's not her fault.

Camille: She could've at least tried.

Evelyn: Well, anyway...I forgave Harris, because he apologised for what he did, and he didn't just apologise, but he also went out of his way to make it up to me.

Riley: What did he do?

Evelyn: He went with me to prom as a friend date, so I wouldn't be alone. And then we got some milkshakes and went bowling and it was a really fun time.

Camille: [sarcastic] Riveting.

Evelyn: Sorry, it's not as exciting as Cold War industrial espionage and vampire gang warfare, but that's my story.

Camille: You died because you're weak.

Riley: Hey! You're our guest here, okay? You have no right to come on this podcast and dunk on Evelyn just because you're afraid of having feelings.

Camille: You have no right to poison me! Listen, I'm the only one in this room willing to tell the truth - Forgiveness? Stupid. Conflict resolution? Stupid. The only correct way to deal with people giving you shit is to destroy them.

SOUND: Flames, demonic wailing, cracking earth. Dimitri manifesting as a ghost.

Dimitri: I would not be so sure about that, Comrade.

Riley: So this shit again, huh.

Evelyn: Looks like it.

Riley: Judging by the fact that your torso looks like a butcher's dumpster, you must be Dimitri.

Evelyn: Hi, Dimitri. You obviously already know Camille - I'm Evelyn, and this is my friend Riley.

SOUND: Camille groans.

Dimitri: Oh, so that's the only reaction I get out of you? You're just going to sit there and roll your eyes at me?

Camille: Get over yourself, you're far from the first person who's tried to haunt me. [to Riley and Evelyn] He shows up whenever I tell that story, he's just doing it for attention. [to Dimitri, slowly and loudly] Give it a rest, I already spent the money, there's nothing I can do for you anymore.

Dimitri: All of it? Already?

Camille: It's been 50 years, keep up.

Dimitri: What did you spend it on?

Camille: I dunno, God, lots of stuff. Spa treatments, cat jungle gym, pair of Yeezys....

Riley: Yeezys aren't even that good shoes.

Camille: You shut your whore mouth.

Dimitri: Enough about these Yeezys. I need to - hold on, hold on, is that a microphone?

Evelyn: Yep. This is our podcast. How do you spell your name, by the way? We'll credit you.

Dimitri: No, turn it off. The state might be listening and this is sensitive conversation between me and Camille.

Riley: Yeah, you don't have to worry about The State - they dissolved a couple decades after you died. The only people spying on us right now are Google and my mom.

SOUND: The basement door closes, followed by hurried footsteps and the sound of a vacuum being turned on.

Camille: Just tell me what you're here for, I'm sick and my time is limited.

Dimitri: Camille Domino, I have been thinking about all the horrible shit you did to me, and I've come to the decision that I'm going to forgive you.

[Beat.]

Dimitri: Before you say anything - it is not for your sake! I do not give a shit about you, you are beyond help. I am forgiving you for myself. I did a lot of really horrible things when I used to work for the KGB, things which have condemned me to an eternity of pain, and since I spend every hour of every day being fried in McDonald's fry oil and eaten by pigs, I figured - I do not need to also torture myself by thinking about what I could have done differently.

Camille: You know what? I respect that.

[Beat.]

Camille: Do you need anything else?

SOUND: Dimitri clears his throat.

Camille: What? Quit looking at me like that.

Riley: Camille.

Camille: What?

Evelyn: Don't you think you should, you know...?

[There's a pause, then Camille slowly realises what they expect her to do.]

Camille: Fffffine. Alright, Dimitri, [she sounds like she might puke saying this] I...forgive you for selling me out to the Kremlin.

[Beat.]

Dimitri: Are you sure there is nothing else you want to say to me?

Camille: Absolutely not, your death was badass and I regret nothing.

SOUND: Dimitri sighs.

Dimitri: Well, I know you well enough to know that is probably the best I am ever going to get.

Camille: You're correct. Dosvedanya, Dimochka.

SOUND: The portal to hell opens back up again and Dimitri descends.

Evelyn: They're flipping each other off right now, for the people at home.

SOUND: The portal closes up. Camille exhales and stands up.

Camille: What's the time?

Riley: We're probably gonna start wrapping up.

Camille: Cool, cool. I'm going back to bed. Could one of you be a doll and get me a damp washcloth and a glass of flat ginger ale?

Riley: You're not still sick.

Camille: Yes I am. I need to rest.

Riley: Well, then maybe you should just put on some sunscreen and go home.

Camille: [with scary reverb] Ginger ale. Now.

SOUND: Hypnotism noises.

Riley: [hypnotised monotone] I think we only have sprite, is that ok?

Camille: Sure, whatever.

SOUND: Riley pushing their chair back and walking up the stairs.

Evelyn: So do you have any social media you want to plug?

Camille: My cat has an instagram account.

[THE END]