Riley explains a few of their elaborate conspiracy theories to Evelyn. As it turns out, some of these theories have more truth to them than previously thought.

+Transcript

Riley: Hi, I’m Riley, this is Less Is Morgue, and you have never seen a baby pigeon. Why? Because every pigeon on earth is actually a closed-circuit television camera, transmitting a live feed straight to the MIBs. They're always watching you. Always.

Evelyn: Did you take those weird pills again?

Riley: No, Evelyn, this is serious. Honestly, I'm expecting a sniper to take me out any second now, which is why I prefer to stay in rooms without windows.

Evelyn: Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever actually seen you in a room with a window.

Riley: And my head remains intact. This is not a coincidence. In fact, the very idea of coincidences was invented by the deep state to cover up their secret plots.

Evelyn: You told me we were gonna talk about movies today.

Riley: Oh, we are, a little movie called LOOSE CHANGE!

Evelyn: Oh god, not again…

Riley: No, listen. That movie was horse shit. It wasn't Al Qaeda, and it wasn’t Bush, it was the Italian government!

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: They’d had it up to here with Americans talking shit about their dumb crooked penis of a monument, and they finally got their revenge.

Evelyn: Can we please talk about anything that isn't this?

Riley: Okay, let’s talk about the moon landing.

Evelyn: I’m guessing we faked it?

Riley: Of course we faked it, there is no moon. I mean, technically there is, but we’re on it, and what we think is the moon is actually the earth. What I'm saying is, you better buckle the fuck up and open your ears for some truth bombs. If you're Jeff Bezos, or you work for the government, or the shadow government, or the shadow-shadow government, log the fuck off. If your insurance doesn't cover blown minds, we accept no responsibility for your sudden influx of wokeness. This is reality. We’re living in a society, and it is a cancer - we need to cut it out as soon as possible.

Evelyn: This is gonna feel like a long--

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro.

Evelyn: Episode.

Riley: Don’t even get me started on the concept of time--

Evelyn: I made the mistake of doing that already, it went on for seven consecutive hours.

Riley: I mean, really, the hour is a relative concept. The reason there are twenty-four hours in the day is because there were twenty-four Caesars.

Evelyn: Is that true?

Riley: No. But see how easy it is to spread misinformation?

Evelyn: Is it really “spreading misinformation” if it’s literally just you lying to me?

Riley: Propaganda is basically just the government lying to you. The sooner we rip off this bandaid, the easier things are gonna be for you going forward.

Evelyn: You wanna know how all this started, listeners?

Riley: Don’t! You’ll undermine the message!

Evelyn: Three days ago, they took the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms. Riley hasn't actually slept since, because they've been building one of those red-string picture walls.

Riley: They committed a war crime to see if the world would stop them, and it didn’t!

Evelyn: That isn’t a war crime because this isn’t a war, Riley!

Riley: It is a war! And it’s being fought over the most important meal of the day! The most important meal of my daily life! Listen, you can fuck with the mascot design all damn day, I don’t care. But taking the one thing that has brought us nothing but joy and comfort in a world that brings none is just pure evil. The public may be fine, but I WON’T STAND FOR IT!

Evelyn: Sometimes, Riley, I really do worry about you. Today more so than usual.

Riley: Oh you only care because you’re metaphysically bound to me

Evelyn: Well, that doesn’t help.

SOUND: Riley begins frantically typing.

Riley: This may seem small, Evelyn, but it’s a slippery slope! You pull one thread, and this whole thing starts to unravel into a snowball!

Evelyn: Pick a metaphor, Riley, you can't have them all.

Riley: For instance, the attack on the integrity of Lucky Charms is an attack on..?

Evelyn: ...On cereal?

Riley: [frustrated grunt] THE IRISH, EV! It’s an attack on the Irish.

Evelyn: Why the Irish?

Riley: Because America has always had it out for the Irish. Do you not remember the Prohibition? This is our government’s last stand against them short of another potato famine - which, by the way, was a manufactured Genocide perpetrated by the English.

Evelyn: By taking marshmallows out of a cereal with a leprechaun mascot.

Riley: No. Because it’s a distraction from the real goal.

Evelyn: Which would be?

Riley: Butter.

Evelyn: [Long, deep sigh] Butter.

Riley: Butter.

[LONG PAUSE]

Evelyn: You wanna qualify that?

Riley: [Jolts awake] Sorry, I think I just had like a mini-stroke. I'm approaching sixty hours without sleep.

Evelyn: Suggestion: sleep.

Riley: That’s exactly what they want me to do!

Evelyn: It’s exactly what I want you to do.

Riley: I'm getting so close to busting this nut wide open.

Evelyn: Riley, that is absolutely not the expression.

Riley: Anyway, butter. Did you know that butter is Ireland’s main export?

Evelyn: Is it or is this another twenty-four Caesars thing?

Riley: Oh it’s real. And their biggest buyer?

Evelyn: Paula Deen?

Riley: I’ll give you a hint: Garlic Bread.

Evelyn: Riley, no.

Riley: Riley, yes. The Italians. Specifically the Italian government. And like I said earlier, they were the masterminds behind --

Evelyn: Riley, I know where this is going and you need to stop right now.

Riley: Fine. Hide from the truth. But I refuse to keep our listeners in the dark. Aside from that fateful day, what else can be said of the World Trade Center?

Evelyn: Nothing, hopefully.

Riley: Au contraire! It’s a massive man-made achievement!

Evelyn: Okay, see, that’s a lot better. Yes, I agree.

Riley: And you know what else is a massive man-made achievement?

Evelyn: NICKELBACK’S DEBUT ALBUM “CURB”!

Riley: [Hisses angrily] Silence! I’m talking about the Pyramids of Giza, Evelyn! The ancient tombs of the pharaohs.

Evelyn: Okay, I’m sorry for interrupting your mental breakdown.

Riley: Apology accepted. So, Pyramids. Also a massive man-made achievement, right?

Evelyn: Right.

Riley: Wrong!

Evelyn: Of course.

Riley: Remember, we live on the moon. These are ACTUALLY moon-made achievements! INCLUDING the moon landing video. Which, technically, wasn’t a landing, because the craft only moved sideways.

Evelyn: Riley, your eye is twitching. I really, really, really think you should get some sleep.

Riley: I’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Evelyn. They get you while you sleep!

Evelyn: That's a movie, that's fiction. Like everything else you've said today.

Riley: You only think that because I haven’t finished yet. I’m gonna finish all over this damn room!

Evelyn: I wish you wouldn’t.

Riley: Okay, I’ll make it short. Moonlanding video. Video. Short for Videotape.

Evelyn: [under her breath] No it’s not.

Riley: Zip it. Tape. Like police tape. Like keeping the public AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. And who does that better… than NASA.

SOUND: Evelyn sighs.

Riley: Listen. NASA itself stands for National Aliens Secret Aliens.

Evelyn: Why would they say aliens twice!?

Riley: Because there's a metric fuckload of aliens, Evelyn!

Evelyn: What does “national aliens” even mean? That’s like a total contradiction.

Riley: It’s one of the many things the government doesn't want us to know. But the important bit is the secret aliens.

Evelyn: Why would they put it in their name if it was meant to be secret?

Riley: [Totally ignores Evelyn] There are many secret aliens, but the secret secret alien, as we all know, is the Starchild.

Evelyn: Why would we all know it if it’s a secret secret!?

Riley: Because the secret secret is so secret that it comes back to being public knowledge as a double negative of itself.

Evelyn: That...no ...that's not how any of this works! I'm seriously starting to worry for your health, Riley...wait, what are you drinking over there?

Riley: [Slurp] Diet NyQuil.

Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] HOW ARE YOU ALIVE? [Normal] Okay, okay, I'm just rolling with it. Tell me about the Starchild.

Riley: So the Starchild is rumored to be what delivers us from the heat death of the universe. Some say he lives in area 51 but that’s just meant to throw us off the scent. Some of the internet's top men are on his trail as we speak.

Evelyn: Like who?

Riley: Seattle Astrophysics professor Bob Washington, and TheTruthIsOutThere forum mods PussyInvestigator399, XxPepisPepisxX, and SheTookTheKids123. The Starchild is probably quaking in his little space booties.

Evelyn: So what’s the purpose to all this, then? I’m completely lost.

Riley: Alright, I’ll break it down. There exists a Starchild that is supposed to save us from the heat-death of the universe.

Evelyn: Right.

Riley: We find the child.

Evelyn: Okay.

Riley: We destroy the child.

Evelyn: ...Yes?

Riley: We destroy the child, we find who created him.

Evelyn: And that would be?

Riley: Isn’t it obvious?

Evelyn: No. No it is not.

Riley: Those that created our “salvation” are also the ones who created our entire moon based civilization. The ancient alien race.

Evelyn: There’s no name for this race?

Riley: We don’t know it yet. They’re secret secret, duh.

Evelyn: And they’re behind all this stuff you've been ranting about?

Riley: Evelyn, they're responsible for everything. They engineered swine flu, they caused the 2008 financial collapse, they got me banned from Pizza Pizzazz-O just for speaking the truth to the children in the ball pit!

---

Evelyn: Okay, so are you done?

Riley: I mean, yeah, that's the bare bones of it, I guess.

Evelyn: Good. So we can move on now? Maybe talk about something else? Like our hobbies, or books we've been reading?

Riley: Fuck, that reminds me! I haven’t told you about how the Voynich Manuscript plays into all of this!

Evelyn: Oh god, please, no--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: “In The Arms of an Angel”-esque song plays.

Nora Lochmachlan: [Sincerely] Hi, I’m Nora Lochmachlan. I hope you were having a good day, because that's about to stop. Every hour, alien larvae, after bursting from the hosts’ body, are left out in the cold to die. Some are even stomped or shot to death by colonial space marines before they've even had a chance at life. We need this brutality to end. We here at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens, or the SPCA, believe that all creatures deserve to be treated fairly, even if some of them attempt to burrow into your head.

---

Nora Lochmachlan: There are a number of ways you can help in our mission to improve the quality of life for Xeno-Animals across this and other galaxies. For just two extraterrestrial doubloons a month, we can keep the egg chambers warm in order to foster healthy development in our latest broods. For fifty, you can sponsor a specific Xeno-Animal, and every month we’ll send you pictures of their progress, as they transform from a ten-inch-long worm-like entity to a fourteen-foot exoskeletal nightmare. Finally, if you’re short on cash, but still want to help our cause, you can make the ultimate sacrifice and donate your body to the incubation of these wonderful animals. Rest assured, that even as the creature claws its way out of your chest cavity, your screams of agony will comfort it as it enters the world. This donation tier is also an excellent birthday gift, for friends you don't particularly care for.

SOUND: Horrific clawing noises, screams, chest bursts open, alien noise.

Nora Lochmachlan: [Unfazed] Please email us at SPCASaturn@gmail.com.space.eu and be the answer to a xeno-animal in need. You don’t need a big heart to do it - in fact, they'll probably appreciate the extra space. I'm Nora Lochmachlan. Thank you.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Riley: --So if we looked at the manuscripts from an Italian perspective, we would find--

Evelyn: Your fascination with the Italian government perplexes and terrifies me.

Riley: They’re up to some shit. We've had it too good for too long.

Evelyn: Look, Riley, it’s clear you put a lot of thought into these theories.

Riley: That’s an understatement. This is scholarly work that will eclipse Darwin. I would have been a professor of like three subjects by now if I hadn't dropped out of middle school.

Evelyn: You dropped out of middle school?

Riley: We don’t have time to go into that right now.

Evelyn: What I'm saying is, I get that it's fun for you to think up all this stuff, cause I guess it's easier to believe that everyone is working against you than to just admit that life is hard.

Riley: There's still so much you don't understand, Evelyn. The Bildeberg Group, the Illuminati!

Evelyn: I’m just saying, Riley, maybe we need to take down this obsession with conspiracy theories just a couple notches. Don't worry, you can still do some of it, because you’re right, the entire world is run by like forty really rich guys, but they're not the Build-A-Bear group.

Riley: You’ve just been brainwashed by the lame-stream media, Evelyn.

Evelyn: And I think you've been brainwashed by all those crazy forums you're always visiting!

Riley: It’s not washing my brain. It’s expanding it! Ironing out all the folds, making it nice and smooth!

Evelyn: Last week, you told me that tap water is making frogs taste worse and it was because of nanomachines in the water molecules!

Riley: I stand by that statement 100%. 1,000%! Haven’t you noticed the water has been tasting funny lately?

Evelyn: I don’t taste anything ever, Riley, I’m dead!

Riley: That’s because the deep state got to you!

Evelyn: Go to bed!

Riley: You go to bed! I’m over here opening people’s minds, and you're over there, floating and mocking me and bringing up Nickelback where he’s not even relevant!

Evelyn: Nickelback is not a he! It’s band formed of Chad Kroeger, Ryan Peake--

Riley: Nobody cares! It’s not relevant!

Evelyn: I don't know how else I can say it, Riley, none of this stuff is real!

SOUND: Celestial alien chanting.

Ancient Alien: [Deep, booming voice] Riley Almanzor.

Riley: Yeah?

Ancient Alien: [Normal] Congratulations, all of that stuff was real!

Riley: Before I celebrate prematurely, can you see him too, Evelyn?

Evelyn: [Sigh] Yeah. I can see him.

Riley: Okay, good. Second question - who the fuck?

Ancient Alien: My name would be impossible to pronounce on your Moonling tongues, but for the purposes of this meeting, you can call me Dave, the ancient alien, and father of the Starchild.

Riley: [Deadpan] Excuse me for one moment, Dave. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Yes, Riley?

Riley: IN YOUR FUCKING FACE! I WAS RIGHT! IT’S ALL REAL! Wait, so we don't have to destroy the child?

Ancient Alien: I’d prefer that you didn't.

Riley: Are you sure? Not even a little? Not even an arm?

Ancient Alien: He’s my son, Riley.

Riley: Okay, I'll put it down as a maybe and we’ll revisit this later.

Evelyn: Ask him how he even knew that we were talking about this?

Ancient Alien: Well, we have cameras everywhere! We hide them in the pigeons.

Evelyn: Wait, you can see me?

Ancient Alien: Of course! I'm a ninth-dimensional being, and ghosts are on the seventh dimension.

Riley: Oh my god. So how much is “got it all right” exactly?

Ancient Alien: Everything! From the Lucky Charms to the Italian government. In fact, especially the Italian government. You should really watch out for them, they're up to some shit.

Riley: That’s exactly what I've been saying!

Ancient Alien: And as a reward for being one of the few to figure it all out, I present you with this!

SOUND: Celestial choir.

Riley: … A shirt?

SOUND: Celestial choir peters out.

Ancient Alien: A shirt!

Riley: Just a shirt?

Ancient Alien: Look at the thread count on that bad boy. That’s damn good quality.

Evelyn: And it’s got something printed on the back!

Riley: “I figured out the history of Earth and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”?

Evelyn: It’s a little tacky, isn't it?

Ancient Alien: What? It's hilarious! That old chestnut never goes out of style.

Riley: You mean to tell me that I put years into this theory and it was all correct, even down to the tiniest detail, and all I get for it is a pat on the back and tacky alien consumerism?

Ancient Alien: I mean, yeah, that's what it says on the back of the shirt, doesn't it?

Riley: But I thought there would be… I don’t know. More?

Ancient Alien: Do you want us to make a crown and dub you King of the Brains or something?

Riley: Yes? Can you do that?

Ancient Alien: Of course not, imagine how many crowns we'd have to make!

Riley: Wait, I’m not even the first person to discover this?

Ancient Alien: Of course not, there's like eight billion people on earth. The first guy to figure it out was someone we abducted back in the sixties. He was the original King of the Brains, you might say, but that didn't save him from the heart attack in ‘81. There's an important lesson about hubris in there.

Riley: No, there has to be more to this.

Ancient Alien: There really isn't.

Riley: I wasted years of my tiny little basement dwelling life on this theory. There HAS to be more. At least more than this kitschy bullshit!

Ancient Alien: Kitschy? But Riley, the thread count--

Riley: Silence, Dave! All of this is no different from the corporate shills in Nebraska selling weed hats and green alien merch because they all saw A crop circle once. Sure, you may be nine feet tall, have sixteen eyes, and appear to be made of light, but that could all just be another false flag!

Ancient Alien: You can’t be serious.

Riley: I’M GONNA EAT THE STARCHILD AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!

Evelyn: You should probably leave. This isn't gonna get any better.

Ancient Alien: But you have all the answers. You should be elated!

Riley: Bullshit! All I have are more questions. I'm gonna need to approach my next theory from a completely different angle. [to themselves] Maybe we don't live on the moon, we live on earth! And the Italian government isn't actually that bad.

Ancient Alien: [Sigh] I’m just gonna go.

Evelyn: That’s probably for the best.

SOUND: Chanting as the Alien disappears.

Riley: Great, now that shill is gone, we can get to work. Evelyn, where are my chocolate earwigs? I need metabolic fuel; I’m gonna be up all night re-figuring this out.

[Riley sounds woozy as they stand up]

Riley: Oof.

Evelyn: You okay there, Riley?

Riley: Yeah, I think all the Nyquil just hit me.

Evelyn: Do you wanna go near something soft, just in case?

SOUND: Riley collapses.

Evelyn: Oh no, they’re dead!

SOUND: Riley begins to snore.

Evelyn: Oh okay, we’re good. [Beat] You know, despite being a weird, paranoid flesh-eating pseudo-goblin, they're kind of adorable when they're sleeping.

Riley: [Sleep talking] LEE HARVEY OSWALD! [Continues to snore]

Evelyn: So what have we learned today? I don't know, the whole thing’s just been kinda confusing. Are we good for time? Yeah, okay, close enough. See you all next episode.

Riley: [Sleeping Yelling] FALSE FLAG!

Evelyn: Bye!

[END OF EPISODE]

After Riley is called out on Twitter, Riley and Evelyn have a difficult but necessary discussion about mental health, with the help of a guest - a local barista who turns into a crocodile during panic attacks.

+Transcript

Riley: Hey listeners, I’m directing what I’m about to say to one specific person right now, so if you’re not twitter user “Granola Moth Heart Emoji Heart Emoji Peach Emoji Flower Emoji”, please block your ears, or skip forward a minute or two. [pause] Okay, hey Granola Moth? Fuck you. You represent everything that’s wrong with the internet, and I want you to know that I hate you.

Evelyn: Riley’s getting cyberbullied again.

Riley: No, I’m not, Evelyn! This isn’t cyberbullying, this is something so much worse. I’ve been the subject of a callout thread. It’s a malicious hit-piece. A total fucking hatchet job. Probably Deep State in nature!

Evelyn: You can just not look at it, you know that, right? You can take a deep breath, close the page, and walk away.

Riley: Evelyn, you are a luddite, and you are a fool. It’s not about the post, it’s about the fact that people are going to read it, and they’re going to agree with it, and then they’re all gonna gang up on me and I’m gonna have to change my name and move to Alaska, where I’ll live among the bears.

Evelyn: It can’t really be that bad, can it?

Riley: Evelyn, once again, I’m gonna have to deliver some harsh truths about life out here in the real world. Listen to what this flower-crown wearing chudmeister is saying about me- “Thread: Does anyone else get super uncomfy listening to Less is Morgue? I feel like some of the dynamics on that show are kind of ick.” I mean, seriously...Ick? Who the fuck says 'Ick'?

Evelyn: That feels like something from before my time, even.

Riley: But wait! It gets stupider! “The fact that Riley is so casual about berating their mom on-air strikes me as being lowkey abusive and that is NOT OKAY, and the fact that so many people on here find it funny and relatable makes me worry about the show’s fanbase. Also, there was that part in episode 13 where they mention flirting with a Pizza Pizzaz-o waiter while he was at work, that also really didn’t sit right with me.”

Evelyn: Yikes, okay, I see.

Riley: I know, right?

Evelyn: Like, why would you listen to 13 entire episodes of a show that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Riley: I know, right? And that second thing isn’t a thing that I did! It’s just something that I mentioned in my book, not even something I actually did in real life!

SOUND: Evelyn inhales as if about to speak.

Riley: I’ve told you a million times it’s not autobiographical! [pause] And as for the mom stuff, this guy’s totally ignoring the context.

Evelyn: Which is?

Riley: My mom is the devil! If “Granola Moth Heart Emoji Heart Emoji Peach Emoji Flower Emoji” could understand Ghoulish, he’d get why I hate her! Do you know what she’s actually saying to me in our video trailer? It’s not nice!

Evelyn: Heck, if he was here in person for any amount of time, he’d understand why you hate her. I mean, I’m dead and your mom makes me fear for my life.

Riley: Exactly! But I’m not surprised that someone’s finally come and wronged me in this way, honestly. My mental problems are very hard to romanticise, so people give me very little slack when it comes to navigating social situations.

Evelyn: That really sucks, because I kinda thought that mental health stuff was getting better. I mean, people at least are open about their struggles now. I spent most of my life in the eighties and nineties. Nobody talked about this stuff back then. Psychiatrists were just for serial killers and rich ladies with adulterous husbands.

Riley: You’re right, sometimes. People are way more accepting about stuff like anxiety and depression than they used to be, but, as mentioned before on this very podcast, I have BPD, a disorder that even the UwU self-care mental health crowd still loves to throw under the bus.

Evelyn: That seems very hypocritical.

Riley: That’s because it is. It’s all well and good for these people to support the mentally ill when they’re crying alone in their rooms and leaving everyone be, but if your mental illness makes you combative and socially awkward, then they get uncomfortable and suddenly you’re ‘toxic’ or whatever.

Evelyn: Alright, have you made your peace?

Riley: Yeah, thanks for letting me vent. Let’s -

[RILEY IS CUT OFF BY THE INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: Do the intro.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, remember to take your medication and stay hydrated.

Riley: During the first few months of the COVID-19 outbreak, the UFC league got around quarantine laws by buying their own private island, populated entirely by UFC fighters. Unfortunately, the previous owners of this island had used it for dinosaur experiments. This mistake led to the highest UFC viewership in over 20 years. I’m Riley, your best- I’m sorry, Ev, I’m still steamed about that tweet thread. Can we talk about that?

Evelyn: No, it’ll only make you more angry.

Riley: Please?

Evelyn: No, I forbid it. Let’s just find you a distraction to hold you over until our guest comes. Is there anything you like to do to blow off steam when you’re stressed out?

Riley: Sleep under my mattress, run around the basement waving my arms, comfort eating...incidentally, that last one was how I met you.

Evelyn: Huh. You learn something new every day. You wanna run around the basement waving your arms for a little while now?

Riley: I dunno, feels weird to do it with someone in here.

Evelyn: I mean, I can turn the other way. I'll do podcast stuff while you get it out of your system.

Riley: Okay. Fine. You just better not look.

Evelyn: Won’t look. Scout’s honour.

SOUND: Riley gets up and begins running around the basement. Breathing; panting. This remains the case throughout Evelyn’s next monologue.

Evelyn: Anyway so, while my co-host is doing that, I'm gonna tell you a little about the episode we've got in store for you. Things are pretty stressful sometimes, whether you're alive or dead, so we figured that today we'd make an episode about that. We've got a guest coming over in a little while who's gonna talk about some of his techniques for mastering anxiety, and I'm gonna make sure everyone’s best ghoulfriend ends the episode feeling a little more...balanced.

Riley: [While running; waving arms] Don’t look!

Evelyn: [To Riley] Don’t worry, not looking! [To audience] And we'd love to hear from you on Twitter about how you deal with times like this. It'd be nice to have more options.

SOUND: Riley comes to a halt and sits down, breathing heavily.

Evelyn: You good?

Riley: Better, at least.

Evelyn: That’s a positive. You need a glass of water or something?

Riley: No, no, I'm good. Stimming helps. So did you do the whole, uh, thing?

Evelyn: Yup. They know exactly what they're in for.

Riley: Okay great, so let's talk about self-help books: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Have you listened to any since you came back to earth? Not to be rude or anything, you just, you know, you seem like the type.

Evelyn: I got the audiobook for “Death is a Gift” by Harry Resnick on the Alexa. The author reads it himself, he's got a really comforting voice, so I listen to it at night sometimes when I get all existential.

Riley: So that's why I've had random Canadian voices manifesting in my dreams.

Evelyn: How about you?

Riley: I think they're a mixed bag. Don't get me wrong, there's some useful shit in there, but I feel like once you've read one you've read them all. Also, these days, they try to sell them to people who think they're above self-help books by awkwardly adding swears.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Well, you know, mindfulness becomes “How to Calm the Fuck Down”, organisation becomes “Get Your Fucking Life In Order.” Stress management becomes “Kill Them All, Every Fucking One of Them, Stack The Bodies and Let God Sort Them Out.”

Evelyn: [Concerned] Is that last one a real title?

Riley: Yeah, Tony Robbins wrote it after his fifth divorce. It was on the New York Times best-seller list all last August.

Evelyn: Really!?

Riley: Yeah, really, police called it the “Month of Blood.”

Evelyn: Yikes on bikes.

Riley: Yikes on bikes indeed. The problem with a healthcare system that's dogshit at getting people the treatment they need is you get plenty of hucksters trying to fill the void.

Evelyn: Oh, like To--

Riley: Shh!

Evelyn: You know saying his name three times won't actually summon him, right?

Riley: No, Evelyn, I don't know that, and I really don't have the spoons to deal with that walking Black Mirror spec script today, so I'm not gonna take that risk.

Evelyn: Okay, fine. But we should at least list some other examples, for the listeners.

Riley: Well, a recent prominent example is well-known scumbag YouTuber Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why opening his “Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why Heals” program.

Evelyn: Let’s just call him Top 5, the full name is a little exhausting.

Riley: Agreed. Top 5 is offering a five hundred dollar one-off service where he claims he can cure all mental and physical ailments with his gun.

Evelyn: Isn’t that just...murder?

Riley: Legally? Not if you sign the waiver, no. But the murder part isn't the problem - it's the fact that it doesn't work.

Evelyn: I mean, the murder part is still a problem, Riley.

Riley: Yeah, but it’s not the problem. Tell me, Evelyn, do you ever get anxious?

Evelyn: Yeah.

Riley: What was the last thing that made you anxious?

Evelyn: SilverStream was in a bidding war for Associates with Hulu, and your mom doesn't have a Hulu subscription.

Riley: See? There you have it, death isn't a cure for mental anguish. You take it with you, like Vegas Herpes.

Evelyn: To be fair, I was crushed to death. Maybe Top 5’s gun is magic.

Riley: Evelyn, there's giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and there's assuming some dumbass prank YouTuber has a magical therapy Glock.

Evelyn: Okay, point taken.

Riley: That being said, I feel like I prefer murderous insanity to being patronised.

Evelyn: I've always seen that as a character flaw of yours.

Riley: The people who really piss me off are the ones who think you can cure soul-crushing depression by doing stretches and eating a tomato. Or, even worse, fuckers like Granola Emoji Whatever The Fuck, who loudly and proudly judge anyone whose mental illness doesn’t present as crying rainbows in a blanket fort. Now, I'm not the aggressive type--

Evelyn: That’s not true.

Riley: But if someone told me to stop being so aggressive and take up yoga when I was really spiralling? I think I'd probably unhinge my jaw and eat their head.

Evelyn: I've seen you do it for less.

Riley: Goopy moralists to the left, condescending douchebags to the right, and I'm stuck in the middle with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. The future is now!

Evelyn: I’m trying really hard to make you feel better here, Riles, but a tango takes two.

Riley: [Sighs] Sorry, sorry. I appreciate the effort, I really do. I guess I'm just kind of in a funk. I’m still not entirely over that twitter thread.

Evelyn: If you grab one of those chewed-up barbie dolls from under the TV, I can possess it and make it do a little dance for you, if you like.

Riley: [long pause] Hmm. Nah, sorry, Ev, I'm just not feeling it.

Evelyn: Dang, I thought that one was too good to fail. [Beat] If you had to describe your exact feelings right now, what would they be

Riley: I dunno, like, all of them at once?

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Like a bunch of people trying to get through one door at the same time, so they’re just kind of all squished together. You don’t know who any of them are, you just kinda know they’ll beat the shit out of you if they get in.

Evelyn: Okay. Can you identify any of the feelings you’re currently experiencing?

Riley: Uhhhh...Hangry, I guess?

Evelyn: That’s good, grab your laptop.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: We’ve got a little while before our guest arrives, so let's at least address the hanger before he shows up. It’s ended badly before when we haven't.

Riley: Not a bad idea, Hooper. Not a bad idea at all.

SOUND: Riley grabs the laptop, and begins typing.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Quirky music. Think insurance commercials.

Bob Sykes: Hi, I’m Bob Sykes, with the KSA. Life’s full of little inconveniences, isn't it? We've all missed the alarm.

SOUND: Alarm going off.

Average Joe: Damn it!

Bob Sykes: We’ve all mixed our plain and coloured fabrics in the washing machine.

SOUND: Washing machine noise. Door opens.

Average Jill: Oh, for the love of--

Bob Sykes: We’ve all forgotten that one important anniversary.

SOUND: Woman tuts; walks away.

Average Joe: Wait, Sheila, please!

Bob Sykes: But you know what’s worst of all? When other people’s things are nicer than yours. You may be thinking, “But Bob, what can I do about this other than stew in my own resentment?” [Chuckles] The answer is simple: stealing.

SOUND: Window shatters. Car alarm.

Bob Sykes: Your neighbour’s new BMW? Steal it!

SOUND: Car speeds away.

Bob Sykes: That new designer handbag that Julie is always flaunting at work? Club the bitch and steal it!

SOUND: Person is struck in the face. Grunts in pain.

Bob Sykes: All that money, just sitting there in the bank, going to waste? Steal it!

SOUND: Alarms going off. Gunshots.

Average Joe: Get down on the fucking ground! All of you!

Average Jill: Don’t test us, we’ll start executing the hostages!

Bob Sykes: Steal your way to a better quality of life. It’s fun, it’s simple, it’s free. I've been Bob Sykes, and this message has been sponsored by the Kleptomania Support Association. Thank you.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Riley chewing.

Evelyn: Feeling better?

Riley: [Chewing] Yeah, a little. [Gulps] Just want to give a little shout-out to Bubba, the GhostMates delivery boy with the human skin mask. You're always there when I need you, unlike various blood relatives and government institutions.

Evelyn: Just a little reminder: our guest should be here any second now.

SOUND: Knock on the basement door.

Evelyn: Oh, how convenient! [Calling up] Come on in!

SOUND: A pause. Then more knocking.

Evelyn: Wait, he can't hear me. Riley?

Riley: Come in!

Eduardo: [Through the door] Okey dokey!

SOUND: Door opens, closes. Ed begins descending the stairs.

Eduardo: Hi! How's it going?

Riley: It’s a long story. Care to introduce yourself?

Eduardo: I’m Eduardo, but you can call me Ed. I’m guessing you're Evelyn, right? The one who emailed me?

Evelyn: That’s me!

Riley: No, sorry, I'm Riley. Evelyn is here, though, you just can't see her. That’s the downside of mortal guests. You're human, right?

Eduardo: Kinda!

Riley: Sinister. Well, take a seat.

Eduardo: Don’t mind if I do.

Riley: You want some barbecue? I feel weird being the only one eating.

Eduardo: I appreciate the offer, but I'm vegan.

Riley: Fair enough. More for me.

Eduardo: Actually, can you not eat that while I’m here?

Riley: Why? Is it the chewing noises? I can close my mouth.

Eduardo: No, no, it’s just because being around meat makes me uncomfy. I don’t like thinking about where it comes from, y’know?

Riley: Oh, I’m sorry, am I not allowed to choose what I eat in my own house? Am I not allowed to enjoy the simple pleasures of barbecue under your watch?

Evelyn: Riley! He’s our guest, you should be accommodating!

Riley: Alright, alright. No more “uncomfy” guests on this show.

SOUND: Riley closing the takeaway box and sliding it out of view.

Evelyn: Ask him about himself.

Riley: Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

Eduardo: Ooh, boy, pressure! Gotta sell myself. [Nervous laugh] Well, I’ve lived in Florida my whole life - I love the humidity.

Riley: You might be the only one who does.

Eduardo: I’m a Virgo, I have a pet koi named Kevin, and I work as a barista at the local Cool Beans.

Riley: Cool Beans?

Evelyn: A-ha! So people do still say it!

Eduardo: That new coffee chain in town, right next to the Lord of the Harvest.

SOUND: Riley snaps their fingers in recognition.

Riley: Right! The health food place where all the product names are weird empowering slogans?

Eduardo: Exactly! I can almost never afford to go there, but they have the best I Am A Roaring Lion.

Riley: What’s that in English?

Eduardo: Oh, it’s a brand of asparagus water. It’s great. They actually started stocking a lot more of it after Loeball Farm’s Bone Milk mysteriously fell off the market.

Riley: I’m sensing we have very different lifestyles.

Eduardo: How come?

Evelyn: Be careful here, Riley.

Riley: Well - and please don't take this the wrong way, because I mean it as a compliment - you’re some fresh-faced little health food twink, and like twenty minutes ago I was drinking a candle.

Eduardo: Oh. That doesn't sound good for you.

Riley: It isn't, but when your pipes are wax-coated the scorpions go down a lot easier.

Evelyn: I genuinely don't know why I'm the dead one sometimes.

Riley: So today, we’re talking about mental health, mindfulness, self-care, that whole nightmarish minefield.

Eduardo: [Nervous laugh] I’m familiar with the subject.

Riley: How familiar?

Eduardo: Did your, uh, did your co-host tell you why she wanted to have me on?

Riley: No, she neglected to brief me on that. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Why not ask him? That's kind of the point of an interview,

Riley: [Forcing politeness] So, Ed, tell me why you're on a podcast I co-host.

Eduardo: Well, like I said, I have a condition.

Riley: Don’t we all, Ed….Don’t we all.

Eduardo: It’s a very rare condition. It’s called Stress-Induced Therianthropy Disorder. A lot of people haven't heard of it.

Riley: So is it like an anxiety disorder?

Eduardo: Yeah, basically, just with one key difference.

Riley: ...Which is?

SOUND: Ed sighs; embarrassed.

Eduardo: Okay so...instead of having panic attacks…

Riley: Right?

Eduardo: I turn into a nineteen foot crocodile.

[BEAT - AWKWARD SILENCE]

Riley: [Genuinely Shocked] Huh?

Eduardo: [Frustrated Sigh] Yeah, I know, it’s embarrassing. I don't like to talk about it much, but I figured by coming on here I could raise awareness and reduce the stigma for other sufferers. Riley: Are there...other...sufferers? Eduardo: I mean there’s a few billion people on earth so, statistically, probably, right?

Riley: [pause] I guess!? Evelyn, I got nothing, you take over.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I can't do that.

Riley: He’s your guest!

Evelyn: He can’t even hear me!

Riley: You should have thought about that in advance!

Eduardo: Uh, guys, is everything okay?

Evelyn: Tell him it’s fine.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: Cause if he thinks we’re fighting he might get stressed. And if he gets stressed, he might turn into a crocodile and kill us.

Riley: Kill me! Shit. [To Ed] We’re fine, Ed, just fine.

Eduardo: You don’t sound fine. I can come back, if you want. Riley: No, we’re good. Let’s do this. So, Ed. Before you got here, we were talking about the stigma around less commonly-recognised mental disorders, something that you, apparently, have a lot of experience with.

Eduardo: Yeah, I mean, it’s been hard. Most people don’t even believe that SITD is real, so I can’t get a lot of help for it outside of general anti-anxiety medication, which doesn’t completely stop the episodes from happening. Even really small things can set me off, especially if I’ve already had a stressful day.

Riley: I feel that, dude. No offense, but I’m genuinely surprised and impressed you manage to hold down a job.

Eduardo: [nervous laugh] Me too! I’d be happier if it was something that paid a little better, but food service really is the only industry where people don’t mind if the odd employee of theirs gets death-rolled.

Riley: Which, you know...in a way, we’re all kind of being death-rolled by capitalism.

Eduardo: I mean, I guess.

Riley: So how many people have you killed?

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What? The listeners might like to know!

Eduardo: I really don’t want to answer that on-air.

Riley: So it’s not zero?

Eduardo: Please don’t do this to me.

Riley: Sounds like it’s at least one.

SOUND: Ed hisses.

Eduardo: [He takes a deep breath] Sorry, almost lost it for a second there.

Riley: Okay, I won’t bring it up again. [To Evelyn] Jeez, this dude’s high strung.

Evelyn: To be fair, you get stressed out when people bring up your body count.

SOUND: Riley grumbles.

Riley: I guess you’re right. What should I ask him?

Evelyn: Coping methods?

Riley: That works. (to Ed) So, Ed, how do you avoid stress?

Eduardo: Well, I love gardening. I’ve got a little balcony where I grow chilli peppers and basil and stuff, plus some lavender for the bees. And I find taking care of Kevin is really relaxing. Anybody who says a fish can’t express love has never met a koi.

Evelyn: That sounds adorable! Ask him if we can see a picture!

Riley: [Emotionless] Evelyn wants to see a picture.

Eduardo: Sure!

SOUND: He pulls his phone out.

Evelyn: Wow, that’s a really big fish.

Riley: He looks delicious.

Eduardo: [Horrified] What?

Riley: I’m not trying to be mean, I’ve said that about literally every animal I’ve ever seen.

SOUND: Ed scoots his chair back.

Riley: Come on, you don’t have to-

Eduardo: It’s for your safety, not mine. So, uh...Riley, what are some of your preferred self-care techniques?

Riley: Well, I have a lot of stims. And I write, which can sometimes be frustrating, but it’s sometimes therapeutic. I also play a lot of those video games that are strategically designed to be relaxing, you know, Minecraft, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing... Hey, you have the energy of someone who owns a Switch, what’s your friend code? Maybe I can add you.

Eduardo: Oh, I can’t do those. Too stressful.

Riley: Farming virtual corn and redecorating virtual houses is too stressful?

Eduardo: Yeah, like, it’s so much pressure. The more effort I put into crafting my perfect video game world, the more I end up just being like...damn, I could be doing this in real life, but I’m wasting time doing it for this fake little animal me.

Evelyn: He is high strung, holy cow.

Riley: But at least he's honest. So, Ed.

Eduardo: Yeah?

Riley: Earlier, we were also talking about bad mental health advice.

Eduardo: Yeah, unfortunately there's a lot of noise out there. And a lot of resources aren't even written for people who suffer from the condition, they're for neurotypicals, about how to put up with us.

Riley: Oof, yeah. Search up 'managing BPD' and you get a lot of 'Does my boyfriend have BPD? Should I leave him?' bullshit. And don't get me started on Autism moms. I could go off for days.

Eduardo: If you google SITD, the first 6 results are for an industrial metal band and the 7th is a wikihow article on how to pretend you're a werecat.

Riley: It's really a load of garbage out there, huh?

Eduardo: Yeah, it's all kind of ick.

[beat]

Riley: What did you say?

Eduardo: Ick?

Riley: That's what I thought. I noticed you said uncomfy earlier, too.

Eduardo: Do you have a problem with me saying that?

Riley: Yes. What’s your twitter account called?

Evelyn: Riley, please don't do this.

Eduardo: KoiDad30.

Riley: Is that the only account you have?

Eduardo: Uh…no?

Riley: You’re Granola Moth, aren’t you?

Eduardo: Look, I can explain-

Riley: That wasn’t a no, fucker!

Eduardo: I was just venting, that's my vent account. I never thought you'd actually read it.

Riley: Why would you listen to 13 episodes of, then tweet your takes about, and then guest on, a show that you hate?

Eduardo: I don't hate it, you just make me uncomfortable! I don't like when you yell at your mom!

Riley: Why not?

Eduardo: I just don't think there's an excuse for being mean to your parents, okay? Is that a controversial opinion?

Riley: In this basement? Yes. You're trying to usurp this operation from the inside by making me look like I'm in the wrong!

Eduardo: If you want me to think you aren't toxic, you're not doing a very good job!

Riley: If you're trying not to be dead, you're not doing a very good job!

Evelyn: Riley, stop! His eyes are going weird!

Riley: [Mocking] Don't say that, Evelyn, you might make him uncomfy.

Evelyn: Please just calm down for a second, before-

SOUND: Ed transforms. Growling and hissing. Now in crocodile form, he hisses and snaps at them.

Evelyn: That happens.

SOUND: Audio glitches. Crocodile-Ed is now on a rampage - hissing, thrashing, knocking shit over. Riley is attempting to wrestle with him. Both Evelyn and Riley are having to yell over the sound of the thrashing.

Evelyn: -You were the one that started yelling at him, you could've just gotten on with the episode!

Riley: I feel like you're victim-blaming here! I had no idea he was Granola Moth, okay? The realisation took me off guard and I panicked! Let’s just deal with the giant fucking crocodile, you can judge me for my outburst if I live.

SOUND: Riley screams as they're tossed around.

Riley: Can you summon the ghost of Steve Irwin or something? I need a fucking hand here, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Oh! I, um, I read something about crocodiles once. Gosh, what was it?

Riley: REMEMBER FASTER!

Evelyn: Oh yeah! They can bite really hard but if you hold their mouth closed they can't open it!

Riley: [Struggling] Great. Now how do we turn him back?

Evelyn: I don't know! It’s like he said, there's almost no literature available on his condition!

SOUND: Footsteps outside the basement door, followed by furious banging from Carmen.

Riley: I'm a little busy right now, mom! Fuck off!

SOUND: The basement door opens and Carmen comes down the stairs. She grabs Ed by the tail and throws him across the room before snarling at Riley and stomping back upstairs.

Riley: Okay, mom. I'm sorry I almost died. [under their breath] Bitch. [normal] Alright, well, I'd better clean up before she cuts my head off and mounts it in the front hallway as a warning.

SOUND: Ed sits up and rubs his head, groaning.

Eduardo: So...that was your mom?

Riley: Yep.

Eduardo: Jesus Christ.

Riley: Did you look into her eyes?

Eduardo: I almost did for a second, but it started to hurt.

Riley: Now do you see why I'm so ‘problematic’ towards her?

Eduardo: Yeah, I guess I do. That’s gonna be a long journal entry tonight.

Riley: Maybe next time, think twice about judging people in a public forum.

SOUND: Evelyn clears her throat.

Riley: What?

Evelyn: Is there anything you want to say to Ed?

Riley: Huh? Oh...sure, whatever. I'm sorry I snapped at you, figuratively speaking.

Eduardo: I'm sorry I snapped at you, literally speaking.

Riley: I guess we're both in the wrong. We’ve both got our own shit to deal with.

Eduardo: And that's valid. Sometimes that's how it is.

Riley: Do you want an ice pack for your head?

Eduardo: No, I think the best thing for me to do would be to remove myself from the situation. Bye guys, thanks for having me on.

Riley: Thanks for apologising to my face.

Eduardo: ...Sure, okay.

SOUND: Ed walks up the stairs, opens and closes the basement door, leaves.

Evelyn: So, Riley, how’re you feeling?

Riley: Better, on the whole, as weird as that feels to say. I'll probably be better after a nap, too.

Evelyn: What about the barbecue you ordered?

Riley: Oh, I don't mind if it gets cold, or mouldy. Just adds character.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: I wanna nap but I still have a little bit of energy. You know, like, adrenaline. You mind finishing the podcast off while I--

Evelyn: Go for it.

Riley: Thanks, Ev.

SOUND: Riley begins running around the room waving their arms around again.

Evelyn: That’s the episode, folks. Having a brain can be pretty hard at times, so be kind to each other. And if you’re having a bad mental health day, maybe stay off twitter. Hope you've all had a good time! Byeeee!

Riley: Don’t look!

Evelyn: Not looking!

[END OF EPISODE]

After being attacked by a vampire at Pizza Pizzazz-O, Riley decides to teach a lesson about forgiveness by bringing the vampire back to the basement to escape the sun. But forgiveness doesn’t come quite as easily as they thought. Thankfully, the ghost of a dead KGB Agent is here to help.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners. I wanna tell you something. I’m gonna impart some life advice. Because I know we have some fellow shapeshifters in the audience, and I don't want any of you to potentially repeat my mistakes.

Evelyn: I thought you said we were gonna save this for after the intro.

Riley: No, Evelyn, this is important. This is the cold open. I’ve decided.

Evelyn: Alright, fine. I was gonna talk about how I started watching Love Volcano but I guess this works too.

Riley: Shh. Anyway. So, I'm sure all of you are aware of the existence of Pizza Pizzaz-O - an eatery we’ve alluded to multiple times in this maelstrom of a series. It's a terrible chain of children's pizza restaurants and indoor playgrounds, and there's one of them a block away from my house. I should clarify, the pizza is very bad but the games are legit. But, they have a rule that says only kids are allowed to play the games.

Evelyn: I don't think that's a rule, I think you just got kicked out a bunch of times and they won't let you back in anymore.

Riley: The point is, I was very bored and I decided I wanted to win a pogo stick for myself. So, I had to disguise myself as a child to play the games. Listeners... Do not ever do this. Why? Because if you turn yourself into a child, you've made yourself open and vulnerable to attacks.

Camille: [Yelling from the other side of the room] Fuck you.

Riley: [Loudly] Which brings me to the point of this story - We have a special, very un-planned guest in the basement today. Someone who is also the kind of trash adult who tries to beat children at whack a mole, but who, unlike me, is willing to defend their high score with physical violence.

Evelyn: You can't see it but Riley’s gesturing to a big bite on their neck. It's not bleeding anymore, so don't be too worried.

Riley: Special guest, would you like to come over here and introduce yourself?

Camille: You know I have a migraine and it's your fault. No.

Riley: Come on - sadly, it won’t kill you.

Evelyn: Our guest this week is a vampire.

SOUND: Heavy platform boots stomping from one side of the room to the other. Camille groans continuously as she crosses the room.

Camille: I'm Camille Domino and the whole internet can suck my dick.

Riley: Camille is here because she bit me when I beat her at skee-ball - I really, really, really wanted the free kill, no points for guessing who. I'm letting our guest here sleep off her sickness because we're almost at peak sunlight hours, and today's theme is “forgiveness.”

Camille: Bold of you to try and forgive me for something that's your fault.

Riley: [Through gritted teeth] That's right, forgiveness. Sit back down.

Camille: I don't even want to be on your podcast, actually. I'm taking my shoes off and I’m going to bed.

SOUND: An absurd number of shoe buckles and zippers being undone, followed by Camille’s heavy boots being thrown down. Soft creaking of bedsprings.

Riley: Could you go back to the couch and not sleep in my -

SOUND: Camille hissing.

Riley: Alright, alright. Sleep where you want.

Evelyn: So, who was that guy you wanted to tell me about?

Riley: Right, I'm getting to that. Listeners, we all know about noted YouTuber Top Five Nastiest Slimes and Here's Why. Formerly known as Everything Wrong With Slimes, formerly known as Johnny Johnny Elsa Finger Family Spiderman Slime.

Evelyn: I've never heard of this person. Why does he have so many aliases?

Riley: He legally changes his name every time the youtube search algorithm changes. Anyway, his videos are just...absolute dogshit. I'll show you a clip.

SOUND: Riley opening a new tab on their laptop.

Top 5: What is up guys, I'm here with my boys Glorb and Smeeve and today we're gonna prank our friend Yort by putting him in our highly realistic box fort jail!

SOUND: Prison cell door being opened and closed; Yort being shanked.

Yort: Haha, guys, very funny...I've been shanked. I'm losing a lot of fluids.

SOUND: Air horns.

Riley: Evelyn, I don't know if you've noticed this since you've been here, but YouTube is bonkers now. It's all people like this.

Evelyn: I miss the Dancing Baby. That made sense....sort of.

Riley: So anyway, the reason I bring up this absolute fucking idiot is he's had another huge public fuckup that he now has to apologise for.

Evelyn: The shanking?

Riley: No, no, that guy's fine. They're all slime monsters so it's okay.

Evelyn: That's good?

Riley: He made a gofundme to raise money to save this movie theatre in his hometown, and he raised about a million bucks, but the money never got to the theatre.

Evelyn: You mean he spent it all?

Riley: Yep. He wasn't even subtle about it. In the next video he posted on his Blob Vlog, he had like 12 pairs of Yeezys suspended in his cytoplasm.

Evelyn: This guy sounds like a real jerk.

Riley: Yep, and this is just weeks after he was recorded in a Starbucks saying that he could've stopped 9/11 if he'd been there with his gun.

Evelyn: What?

Riley: Yeah.

Evelyn: How would he even...how ….he doesn't have hands!

Riley: Yet somehow he owns a gun! And if that isn't everything that's wrong with America, I don't know what is!

Evelyn: Why do you bring all this up?

Riley: Because I've got a question for you, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Go on.

Riley: Should we, the public, the audience...forgive him?

Evelyn: I don't think that's a hard question.

Riley: Well, we'll see what you think after I show you his apology video.

Evelyn: Oh, at least he apologised.

Riley: Just watch.

Top 5: What is up guys, I'm Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here's Why and uh...I returned all the ….I returned half of the yeezys. What I did was totally bogus, and I realise that. I've done the best I can to fix the situation...thank you so much to all the fans in the blob nation who have been supporting me during this hard time.

Evelyn: Huh.

Riley: What's your verdict?

SOUND: Bedsprings creaking.

Camille: Do you want to know something about forgiveness?

Riley: You're sick, go to bed.

Camille: I'm an adult, you don't own me.

SOUND: Soft footsteps.

Evelyn: You're …[Giggles] really short without those shoes on.

Camille: At least I have feet.

Evelyn: I can't help it, I'm a ghost!

Camille: [mocking] I can't help it, I'm a ghost!

SOUND: Camille slams her hands on the desk.

Camille: Children, listen.

Riley: What happened to that migraine?

Camille: I'm here and if I have to listen to you, you have to listen to me.

SOUND: Camille burps sickly and whines.

Camille: My mouth tastes like ass. I think ghouls should be extinct.

Riley: I'm right here.

Camille: I wouldn't have said it if you weren't! [Whining] Nothing can eat you, it's not faiiiiiir.

SOUND: She makes more upset noises.

Camille: What are we talking about, forgiveness?

Riley: Yeah, it's a noun.

Camille: You were watching that Top 10 Slimes that Will Ruin Your Childhood Forever, right?

Evelyn: It's actually Top 5-

Camille: [Defensive] Shut up I said it wrong on purpose! Anyway, I think if you give money to YouTubers, you're a rube.

Riley: Most of his audience are children.

Camille: Yeah, kids are fucking rubes. And they spend money on stupid shit anyway, like what do 8 year olds even buy? Fucking....Fortnite skins? Pogs? Pokey-men? I don't know what kids do.

Evelyn: But you hang out at Pizza Pizzaz-o.

Camille: I go there to win, not to make friends.

Riley: Do you have a point or are you just having some kind of fever-induced episode?

Camille: BOTH. Kanye deserved the money from selling those 12 pairs of Yeezys. He's a good businessman.

Riley: He sells plain t-shirts for hundreds of dollars.

Camille: And idiots buy them! He's this century's Barnum. Listen - Capitalism is a broken system, and the only way to get anywhere in this world is to scalp all the chumps you can get your greasy little paws on. Do not forgive Top 15 Slimes that will Blow Your Tits Clean Off, for he has done nothing wrong.

Riley: It's Top-

Camille: No, that was on purpose too, I'm doing a bit.

[Beat.]

Camille: I know what his name is.

[Beat.]

Camille: Don't ask me! I know it. Anyway, let me tell you about forgiveness. Nobody deserves it. I used to be the forgiving type, but then I realized revenge was so much more satisfying. Revenge is immediate, and effective.

Riley: So that's why you bit me.

Camille: Absolutely, and you would've gotten much worse if it weren't for your disgusting horrible blood.

SOUND: Camille burps again and whines, louder and more obnoxiously.

Evelyn: Do you want anything? Can I get you anything? Pepto bismol? Flat ginger ale?

Camille: Later. I'm gonna tell you a story about effective score-settling.

Riley: You know someone once told me whoever embarks on a journey of revenge should dig two graves.

SOUND: Camille laughs.

Camille: I’ve had to dig way more than two graves in my time. Listen - here's my story. Moscow, 1961. Dimitri and I were at the train station with a suitcase full of stolen uranium--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Reece: Hi, I'm Reece Geese.

John: And I'm Jonathan J. Bonathan. We're a couple of guys who love talking about crimes.

Reece: That's why we started Beers and Bullets, a True Crime podcast with a difference.

John: We skip the mainstream stuff to give you True Crime fans only the freshest and most cutting edge True Crime stories. Every week, we present the major clues and theories behind crimes that haven't even been committed yet. Like the string of serial arson attacks that we're going to commit, or that guy that Reece was planning on poisoning for insurance money.

Reece: That's right, you might say we're less a traditional True Crime podcast and more of a Do Crimes podcast, because John and I? We do crimes.

SOUND: They both laugh.

SOUND: Furious banging in the background.

Police Officer: This is the police, come out with your hands up!

SOUND: John loads a gun and starts shooting at the police.

Reece: [yelling over the gunfire] And if you subscribe to our Patreon, every week you'll get exclusive access to cool stuff like early drafts of our ransom notes, the weapons we used, the license plates from our various stolen getaway cars, and at the 50 dollar tier, you can even get the fingers of someone we murdered.

SOUND: The door busts down and the gunfire gets louder.

John: I'M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL!

Reece: Subscribe to Beer and Bullets on Apple podcasts, spotify, google-

SOUND: One extremely loud gunshot and the audio cuts out completely and is replaced by a signal interruption beep.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Camille: --And then I just washed myself off and left. Funny thing actually, Dimitri survived for six more years. No doctor could ever figure out how!

SOUND: She laughs like she's just told a really funny story.

[There's a long silence.]

Riley: I've eaten week-old roadkill out of the treads in my cousin's car tires before, and what you just said is still the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced.

Evelyn: That was like dying ...again.

Camille: Your generation is so sensitive.

Riley: Your generation had radioactive health spas and Stalin.

Camille: Okay, fair point, I guess.

Riley: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Camille: Dimitri got what was coming to him! He started it!

Evelyn: He really didn't!

Camille: It's not even the worst thing I've done to someone. When I found out my human thrall was doing errands for a vampire from another clan I-

Riley: Stop this!

SOUND: Riley sighs heavily.

Riley: Evelyn, you got any stories about forgiveness?

Evelyn: Oh yeah! I think I have a couple. One time in high school, my friend went behind my back and told my crush that I like-liked her, because he wanted to set us up on a date, and it was really awkward because it turned out she was straight. It really hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for a week.

Camille: He sounds like a shitty friend.

Evelyn: But the thing is, he wasn't. Harris was my best friend, right up until I died. He was just kind of an idiot when we were kids.

Camille: Doesn't matter, loose lips [struggling against the lisp]...loose lips sink, uh...Fuck him. You should've dropped him. And hell, you should've done something to get back at the girl, too.

Evelyn: Wh- she couldn't help not being gay, Camille. That's not her fault.

Camille: She could've at least tried.

Evelyn: Well, anyway...I forgave Harris, because he apologised for what he did, and he didn't just apologise, but he also went out of his way to make it up to me.

Riley: What did he do?

Evelyn: He went with me to prom as a friend date, so I wouldn't be alone. And then we got some milkshakes and went bowling and it was a really fun time.

Camille: [sarcastic] Riveting.

Evelyn: Sorry, it's not as exciting as Cold War industrial espionage and vampire gang warfare, but that's my story.

Camille: You died because you're weak.

Riley: Hey! You're our guest here, okay? You have no right to come on this podcast and dunk on Evelyn just because you're afraid of having feelings.

Camille: You have no right to poison me! Listen, I'm the only one in this room willing to tell the truth - Forgiveness? Stupid. Conflict resolution? Stupid. The only correct way to deal with people giving you shit is to destroy them.

SOUND: Flames, demonic wailing, cracking earth. Dimitri manifesting as a ghost.

Dimitri: I would not be so sure about that, Comrade.

Riley: So this shit again, huh.

Evelyn: Looks like it.

Riley: Judging by the fact that your torso looks like a butcher's dumpster, you must be Dimitri.

Evelyn: Hi, Dimitri. You obviously already know Camille - I'm Evelyn, and this is my friend Riley.

SOUND: Camille groans.

Dimitri: Oh, so that's the only reaction I get out of you? You're just going to sit there and roll your eyes at me?

Camille: Get over yourself, you're far from the first person who's tried to haunt me. [to Riley and Evelyn] He shows up whenever I tell that story, he's just doing it for attention. [to Dimitri, slowly and loudly] Give it a rest, I already spent the money, there's nothing I can do for you anymore.

Dimitri: All of it? Already?

Camille: It's been 50 years, keep up.

Dimitri: What did you spend it on?

Camille: I dunno, God, lots of stuff. Spa treatments, cat jungle gym, pair of Yeezys....

Riley: Yeezys aren't even that good shoes.

Camille: You shut your whore mouth.

Dimitri: Enough about these Yeezys. I need to - hold on, hold on, is that a microphone?

Evelyn: Yep. This is our podcast. How do you spell your name, by the way? We'll credit you.

Dimitri: No, turn it off. The state might be listening and this is sensitive conversation between me and Camille.

Riley: Yeah, you don't have to worry about The State - they dissolved a couple decades after you died. The only people spying on us right now are Google and my mom.

SOUND: The basement door closes, followed by hurried footsteps and the sound of a vacuum being turned on.

Camille: Just tell me what you're here for, I'm sick and my time is limited.

Dimitri: Camille Domino, I have been thinking about all the horrible shit you did to me, and I've come to the decision that I'm going to forgive you.

[Beat.]

Dimitri: Before you say anything - it is not for your sake! I do not give a shit about you, you are beyond help. I am forgiving you for myself. I did a lot of really horrible things when I used to work for the KGB, things which have condemned me to an eternity of pain, and since I spend every hour of every day being fried in McDonald's fry oil and eaten by pigs, I figured - I do not need to also torture myself by thinking about what I could have done differently.

Camille: You know what? I respect that.

[Beat.]

Camille: Do you need anything else?

SOUND: Dimitri clears his throat.

Camille: What? Quit looking at me like that.

Riley: Camille.

Camille: What?

Evelyn: Don't you think you should, you know...?

[There's a pause, then Camille slowly realises what they expect her to do.]

Camille: Fffffine. Alright, Dimitri, [she sounds like she might puke saying this] I...forgive you for selling me out to the Kremlin.

[Beat.]

Dimitri: Are you sure there is nothing else you want to say to me?

Camille: Absolutely not, your death was badass and I regret nothing.

SOUND: Dimitri sighs.

Dimitri: Well, I know you well enough to know that is probably the best I am ever going to get.

Camille: You're correct. Dosvedanya, Dimochka.

SOUND: The portal to hell opens back up again and Dimitri descends.

Evelyn: They're flipping each other off right now, for the people at home.

SOUND: The portal closes up. Camille exhales and stands up.

Camille: What's the time?

Riley: We're probably gonna start wrapping up.

Camille: Cool, cool. I'm going back to bed. Could one of you be a doll and get me a damp washcloth and a glass of flat ginger ale?

Riley: You're not still sick.

Camille: Yes I am. I need to rest.

Riley: Well, then maybe you should just put on some sunscreen and go home.

Camille: [with scary reverb] Ginger ale. Now.

SOUND: Hypnotism noises.

Riley: [hypnotised monotone] I think we only have sprite, is that ok?

Camille: Sure, whatever.

SOUND: Riley pushing their chair back and walking up the stairs.

Evelyn: So do you have any social media you want to plug?

Camille: My cat has an instagram account.

[THE END]

Help your Best Ghoulfriend and your Ghost Host with The Most win “Best New Audio Play Production of 2020”!

Click here for the Audio Verse Awards Voting Website

Carefully read the instructions! If you rank Less Is Morgue as Number 1 in the Best New Audio Play Production of 2020 Category, we’ll be extremely grateful!

-Riley & Evelyn

+Transcript

Riley: Listen here, you little shits. You better vote for us in the Audio Verse Awards, or god help me, I will come to your house and rip your arms off!

Evelyn: Riley! No!

Riley: And then I’m gonna start hitting you with your own severed arms, and saying, “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!”

Evelyn: Riley, we didn’t agree to this! We were meant to ask them nicely to vote for us in the Audio Verse Awards. Not threaten the integrity of their limbs!

Riley: It’s called Aggressive Marketing, Evelyn. And it’s extremely effective.

Evelyn: I beg to differ. It’s better to be friendly and polite.

Riley: Okay, whatever. Do it your stupid weenie way.

Evelyn: Hey Everybody! Riley and Evelyn here, with a very important message: We’ve been nominated for Best New Audio Play Production of 2020 by the Audio Verse Awards!

Riley: Frankly, I think the fact we haven’t won automatically is an INSULT!

Evelyn: We’re in the final rounds of voting now, and if you love this show and want to see us succeed, it’d mean a lot to us if you followed the link in the show notes, and gave us your vote for Best New Audio Play Production of 2020!

Riley: It’s a good move, if you want to keep your arms.

Evelyn: [Demon Voice] RILEY!

Riley: I can’t have any fun around here...

Evelyn: Follow the instructions on the website, and rank us as your number one in the best new audio play category to help us get one step closer to taking home the award!

Riley: And the hefty cash prize.

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: You know, all the money they’ll give us if we win? [Excited; Giddy] I’m gonna buy a full suit of plate mail armour and a month’s supply of canned Selkie.

Evelyn: Riley, there’s no cash prize. It’s just the joy of knowing our fans love us!

Riley: Wait, What!? That’s bullshit! I can’t buy plate mail with love! I’m leaving...

SOUND: Riley walks away, grumbling.

Evelyn: Gosh, What a mess. What were we talking about? Oh yeah! Vote for Less Is Morgue as the Best New Audio Play Production! Follow the link in the show notes! We love you all!

[END]

Sensing their co-host is lonely, Riley kills an iPhone so Evelyn can use it to download Todd’s new app- Tinder But For Ghosts.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners, we’re alone again in the studio this week. No sky boobs, no super gators, no deranged sea captains…I’m feeling good about this one.

Evelyn: Yay optimism!

Riley: Furthermore, my parents are gone, I’ve already put in my takeout order, the AC is fully functional, and I’ve got a nice cold glass of vinegar right here...let’s do this thing, folks.

Evelyn: I was hoping that was water...or at least vodka. Why’d you have to ruin the illusion for me?

Riley: Oh, what, like drinking vinegar is weird?

Evelyn: It is. It’s very weird. Less so than mayo or school glue, but still pretty weird.

Riley: I’m an adult, I can drink what I want.

SOUND: Riley slurping vinegar.

Riley: Anyway, I think you’re gonna like this episode.

Evelyn: Yeah, you haven’t told me anything about what we’re doing this week, and frankly, I’m kind of worried. I mean, I’m staying cautiously optimistic? But I’m worried.

Riley: Take a ghostly chill pill. It’ll all make sense in time. For now we’ll go ahead and do the int-

[ INTRO MUSIC ]

Riley: -ro.

Evelyn: Hey guys, if you’re listening to this, you’re probably no less confused about the topic of this episode than I am.

Riley: Today, while on a wikipedia link safari, I found out that ancient Sumerians used my ancestors’ blood to make fabric dye. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Evelyn.

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Did you know there’s a new app now called Tinder But For Ghosts?

Evelyn: Very creative name.

Riley: Par for the course, since this app is from the Todd family of products.

Evelyn: Todd’s still at it? Ugh. You'd think he'd be more focused on settling the Gargoyle Strike.

Riley: The world loves to give a million chances to people who don't deserve it, Ev. Anyway, Tinder But For Ghosts-

Evelyn: Hold the phone ...remind me what Tinder is again.

Riley: Evelyn, we took that whole day where I just showed you all the apps in the app store, don’t you remember?

Evelyn: No, there are so many apps!

Riley: Alright- Tinder is basically a hookup app. It shows you how many other tinder users are nearby and interested in talking to you. If you’re interested in them, you swipe right to start chatting, if you’re not, you swipe left.

Evelyn: Okay- a little confusing, but if it works, okay.

Riley: I got to thinking - and this has been on my mind for several weeks, ever since we had your ex on here-

Evelyn: Riley ...I was just starting to get over that whole thing. I really was.

Riley: Sorry, but I had to open that wound up again in order to properly heal it.

Evelyn: I don’t think that’s how wounds work.

Riley: Irrelevant. There’s a ghost dating app now, is where I’m going with this.

Evelyn: I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t understand how I’m gonna be able to use it when-

Riley: -You can’t physically hold a phone to use it? Funny you should ask.

SOUND: Riley puts an iPhone on the table.

Riley: iPhone….

SOUND: Riley picks up a sledgehammer.

Riley: Meet sledgehammer.

SOUND: Riley throws the phone on the ground then smashes it to pieces with the hammer.

Evelyn: Oh my god.

SOUND: Riley grunts animalistically while they continue to smash.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, I think I see the point-

Riley: [Out of breath] Ghost phone.

SOUND: Phone starting up noise, but spooky.

Evelyn: Oh nice!

SOUND: Evelyn taps on the phone screen.

Riley: [Snickering] Evelyn...you use your phone like my mom.

Evelyn: Cut me some slack, last time I occupied physical space I had a nokia! And we both know your mom doesn't use a phone, she just makes her voice appear in people’s heads.

SOUND: Evelyn taps, then takes a selfie.

Evelyn: I took a selfie! This is exciting ...What should I put on my profile? Okay...um...Name: Evelyn Hooper, Year of Death: 2004, Age...do I put my real age or what age I’d be if I was alive right now?

Riley: First one.

Evelyn: 23...Interested in ...female ghosts. Likes...dogs, early 2000’s alternative rock, Disney, watching Associates, and making a podcast with my best ghoulfriend Riley.

Riley: I appreciate the shoutout but I don’t want the ghosts to know who I am.

Evelyn: - and making podcasts with my best friend who has requested to remain anonymous. Do you think that’s a good picture of me?

Riley: I think that’s the best you’ll probably get. Let me take one.

SOUND: The phone camera clicks.

Evelyn: Cute! Alright, now what do I do?

Riley: I mean, I’ve never used Tinder, but I guess you just wait.

SOUND: Knocking at the door.

Riley: That’ll be my ghostmates order. I got ribs and cheesy fries again from that Texas barbecue place.

Evelyn: You’ve had food from them 4 times this week. Aren’t you sick of it?

Riley: No. And until another restaurant opens up that hasn’t heard about what I’ve done, I can’t afford to be.

Evelyn: I can’t see how you can still eat their food after finding out they were such jerks to Tarrare’s ghost.

Riley: Evelyn. What am I supposed to do, cook? Every day? Like some kind of asshole?

SOUND: Knocking again, louder. Riley runs upstairs.

Riley: Sorry to keep you waiting, Bubba.

Bubba: [Unintelligible]

Riley: Is that a new skin-mask? Looks good.

Bubba: [Unintelligible]

Riley: Thanks.

SOUND: Door closing. Riley goes down to the basement. They sit down and start eating their ribs.

Riley: [With mouth full] So, anyone looking to hop on those ghost titties yet?

Evelyn: Nobody who seems nice. A lot of guys, actually, which is weird, because I told it not to.

Riley: Well, I mean...Todd made this app, so bugs are to be expected. He's probably also currently selling your data to Russia.

SOUND: The sound of a new match showing up on the app.

Evelyn: Oh, she’s cute! ‘Marigold, 26- I died in a boating accident but I still love the water. Let’s go haunt a section of beach together.’

Riley: Go for it!

SOUND: Evelyn swipes.

Evelyn: Ah, heck.

SOUND: She swipes again and it makes an error noise.

Evelyn: I got rid of her by accident. Oh no, I accidentally swiped on one of the dudes!

Riley: It’s fine, just disconnect the chat.

Evelyn: There is no chat, I don’t know what’s happening.

SOUND: Tyler manifests in the room.

Tyler: Hey, what’s up, babes? You must be Evelyn. Nice rack.

Riley: Excellent work, Todd, just really amazing...highly functional app you’ve made here.

Evelyn: Hey, uh ...thanks. Look, I’m really sorry, but I swiped you by mistake.

Tyler: Aw, man, really? Are you sure? Was it because of my picture? Maybe I can win you over with my personality.

Evelyn: No, your picture looks really great-

Tyler: Thanks!

Evelyn: You’re welcome! But what I was gonna say was- I’m a lesbian.

Tyler: [No clue] Uh-huh.

Evelyn: I was trying to swipe for a lady ghost and I swiped you by accident because I died before phones were like this.

Tyler: Totally understandable.

[Beat]

Riley: She wants you to get lost, Einstein.

Tyler: What? Why?

Evelyn: I like girls.

Tyler: Me too! We’ve got so much in common!

SOUND: Riley smacks their forehead and groans.

Evelyn: Well, even if I don’t really wanna hook up with you, maybe we can just hang out. It’s nice to have someone new to talk to.

Tyler: I mean, I totally wanna hook up with you, but that sounds like a pretty sweet idea too.

Evelyn: So...uh… [she looks at her phone] Tyler… [she instantly becomes really enthusiastic] Oh my gosh, your favourite band is Matchbox 20?

Riley: Oh no. Oh no.

Tyler: Yeah, man, I love them! By the way, I almost didn’t notice because of your sweet rack, but that is an awesome Nickelback shirt. Did you get that when they were on tour?

Evelyn: Maybe scale back the boob compliments a little, but ...yeah! I died when they were playing the FSU campus back in 2004!

Tyler: Dude, that's righteous!

Evelyn: I know, right? I tried to get tickets whenever they played in Florida.

Tyler: Hard same, bro!

Riley: Did Azfar just take me to hell in episode one, and that's what I've been experiencing since?

Evelyn: Before I died I saw them in Jacksonville. It was so rad.

Tyler: No way! You’re from Jacksonville?

Evelyn: No, I’m from St. Marks, but that’s where I went to go see them!

Tyler: I’m from Jacksonville! I went to college there! I got alcohol poisoning at a frat party after doing an insane keg stand, that’s how I died!

Evelyn: When did you die?

Tyler: Last year.

Evelyn: So, how's death been for you so far? How far did you get through the paperwork before they tossed you back down to Earth?

Tyler: Aw man, there's paperwork? I hate reading.

Evelyn: So you've just been on Earth the whole time?

Tyler: Yeah, dude. I spend most of my time haunting changing rooms.

Riley: Gross.

Evelyn: How come you never went up?

Tyler: See, you know how like- ghosts are supposed to have like...unfinished business?

Riley: We are aware of this, yes.

Tyler: I think mine is like- see, there was still beer in the last keg when I stopped and puked everywhere and died.

Riley: How many kegs were involved in this keg stand?

Tyler: Four. Almost had the world record!

SOUND: Tyler does the fuckboy laugh.

Riley: I hope your other matches aren't as dumb as this guy.

Evelyn: You know, three and a half is still a pretty big achievement.

Riley: Yeah, someone should get this joker a Darwin award.

Tyler: Aw, thanks, babes- it really means a lot that you think that. I just wish my boys agreed with you. I feel like I let them down, you know?

Evelyn: Well, what matters is you're proud of yourself.

Tyler: You know what? Yeah, yeah, that is all that matters. Huh- I feel so weirdly light, after admitting that-

Riley: I think you just put his soul to rest.

Tyler: Aw, what? Now I gotta do paperwork? This blows!

SOUND: Tyler ascends.

Tyler: Oh I dunno if I mentioned it before, but [his voice fading] nice raaaack!

[Beat.]

Riley: Well- that was one way to get rid of him, I guess.

Evelyn: I hope he ends up in a good afterlife. He was kinda fun.

Riley: Dude was a total himbo, and that's being generous.

Evelyn: Guess the search goes on...Wait, what's that?

Riley: Ugh. An ad. Of course.

Evelyn: I wouldn't expect anything less from a Todd product.

Riley: I hate when these greedy assholes shove ads right in the middle of your--

[Weird Ad Time]

SOUND: Cheerful elevator music.

Glenn: Does your life suck? Am I hearing a yes? Probably! Chances are, your life sucks because there are people giving you a hard time, unfairly or otherwise. You know these kinds of people - your boss, your landlord, your family. The kind of people who give you a hate boner the size of lady liberty. Do you want these people dead, but find you're too weak, stupid, or ugly to get the job done?

Hi, I'm Glenn Rhodes. Assassin, lover, answer to all your worldly problems. And I don't have a receding hairline, so don't mention it. When it comes to making people dead, that's, uh, that's something I can do. And I think, personally, you should be paying someone like me to do it. Or rather, me, specifically. Cause I'm the best there is. You want them shot in the head? I can do that. Stabbed? I can do that, too. Strangling? Fuhgeddaboutit! For the right price, I'll do damn near anything, except open-mouth kissing. So if you want people dead and want someone to do the deadifying for you, call now, while I'm still awake.

Glenn Rhodes: You've had the rest, now have the Glennst. Fuck. Stop the recording. Yeah, just stop it. [Sigh] What a fucking shitshow.

SOUND: Cheerful elevator music continues as Glenn mutters quietly.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: The app boops.

Evelyn: Oh, I got another match!

Riley: Oh, she's hot.

Evelyn: 'Rachel, 21, I'm a real go-getter.'

Riley: Well, what are you waiting for? Go get her!

Evelyn: Encouragement!

SOUND: Evelyn swipes. Rachel manifests in the basement.

Evelyn: Hi, Rachel, I'm-

Rachel: Evelyn, yeah, I know.

Evelyn: That's a very firm handshake you've got there. So, uh- tell me a little about yourself, Rachel.

Rachel: Well, like my profile says, I'm a real go-getter. I worked at a law firm when I was alive, and I was on my way to becoming a partner.

Evelyn: That's so cool! You were like Aly McBeal!

Rachel: ...What's that?

Evelyn: It's a TV show.

Rachel: Must be after my time. I died in the 80's.

Evelyn: Oh, cool. How'd it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Rachel: Well, I decided to let loose at an office party, and I got a little too loose. I tried to photocopy my ass but I broke the glass and got electrocuted. And I'd finally gotten a reservation at Dorsia, too. It's a little embarrassing, I know.

Evelyn: Well, if it's any consolation, you have a great butt. It doesn't look like it's been electrocuted at all. And that pantsuit looks super cute on you.

Rachel: Thank you! I did aerobics. So anyway, I have a lot I have to do this afternoon, so if you want to do anything romantic, let's just get it over with now and I'll call you again later, okay?

Riley: Why are you in such a hurry? You're dead. Time literally isn't a factor for you.

Rachel: But I wanna get a head start on the work I do in my next life, you know, in case I get reincarnated as a different lawyer.

Evelyn: That seems like it's a little counter-intuitive. I mean, you're dead. You should be using this time to rest. You don't want to be burnt out as soon as you start your next life, do you?

Rachel: Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. [her voice starts to fade] Well, in that case, we'll take it slow- you and I can just go for a walk in the park and-

SOUND: Rachel crosses over.

Evelyn: Gosh dang it! I did it again!

Riley: And you two would've made a really cute couple, too....Want me to go find out where she's buried and eat her bones so she's stuck here?

Evelyn: No!

SOUND: Evelyn sighs. The app boops again.

Evelyn: Well, third time's the charm! Her name is Letitia – she's 27, and she loves Jazz and bootlegging.

Riley: She must've died in the 1920's. That could be an interesting hookup. You two could dance the Charleston together.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I don't have feet anymore. Anyway, let's give it the old college try.

SOUND: Evelyn swipes. Letitia manifests.

Evelyn: Hi, Letitia!

Letitia: Nice to meetcha, Evelyn. You can call me Letty, all my friends do. I'm just glad I got here, it's taken me a while to figure out this whole cellular telephone business. I keep getting served fellas when I specifically told it I was only interested in dames.

Evelyn: Oh gosh, I had the same problem. Well, I'm glad you're here now, and uh....what's that dripping sound?

Letitia: Uh...Nothing. Maybe you've got bad pipes.

Riley: No, that's coming from you. And now that I look at you...you're really damp. Like, all over.

Evelyn: Did you die in a boating accident?

Letitia: Uhhh yeah, let's go with that. I uh- accidentally fell out a boat into the Atlantic Ocean, no thanks to that rat Jimmy Morricone.

Riley: Letty...

Letitia: [turning to Riley] Hello!

Riley: Were you some kind of gangster's moll?

[Beat.]

Riley: The cops can't get you when you're a ghost, you can tell us. We've literally had so many criminals on this show.

Letitia: [scoff] I was not a gangster's moll- I was my own thing, thank you very much. Left-hand Letty, they used to call me- because I'm ambidextrous, but I always wore the knuckle-dusters on my left hand.

Evelyn: Cool!

Riley: You ever killed anyone?

Letitia: None of your business.

Riley: Fair enough, that answers that.

Letitia: Anyway, I figure I can't cross over because Jimmy never got what was coming to him. He died at 85 surrounded by family and friends, the bastard.

Evelyn: Aw, that's...wait. No it isn't, it's actually bad.

Letitia: That's for damn sure! Anyway, Evelyn...do you like dancing?

Riley: Ha! Called it!

Evelyn: I'm super bad at it, but yes!

Letitia: Great, because if you're free tonight, I know an abandoned nightclub that's haunted by this jazz band who got in a plane crash on their way to play there.

Evelyn: Well, that sounds awesome! Let's go! Don't wait up for me, Riley.

Riley: You kids have fun.

SOUND: Letitia strains, struggling to move. The sound of bricks scraping across the floor.

Evelyn: You coming?

Letitia: Yeah, sometimes I just have a hard time going from place to place since I died tied to these cinderblocks.

Evelyn: Oh, so that's what that chain around your waist is.

Letitia: Yeah. Makes moving around a real bitch.

Evelyn: I thought that was just a really cute belt. Here, let me help you with that-

SOUND: Evelyn unlocks the chain.

Letitia: Oh, that's so much better- Wait, ah shit...

Riley: I didn’t know you could do that...

SOUND: Letitia starts to float upwards.

Evelyn: There’s a lot you don’t kn-- Oh gosh dang it again! Why can't I have one good thing in my death? [demonic] WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE SINGLE GOOD THING?

SOUND: Bookshelves rattling.

Riley: Uh...Ev, calm down.

SOUND: Evelyn takes a deep breath and sighs sadly.

Evelyn: Sorry, Riley...it's just....maybe I'm not ready to start dating again just yet.

Riley: That's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have forced you into it.

Evelyn: Your heart was in the right place. You know what, Riley?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: I'm glad you're here. Even if I do end up forever alone-

Riley: Remember that conversation we had where I told you about all the dead memes?

Evelyn: Shut up. Even if I do end up forever alone, I'm never gonna be really alone. I'll always have you.

Riley: Until I die.

Evelyn: I'll make sure you die with some unfinished business so we can still hang out.

SOUND: They both laugh.

[ END ]