Episode 120: Speed Dating Always Works

Sensing their co-host is lonely, Riley kills an iPhone so Evelyn can use it to download Todd’s new app- Tinder But For Ghosts.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners, we’re alone again in the studio this week. No sky boobs, no super gators, no deranged sea captains…I’m feeling good about this one.

Evelyn: Yay optimism!

Riley: Furthermore, my parents are gone, I’ve already put in my takeout order, the AC is fully functional, and I’ve got a nice cold glass of vinegar right here...let’s do this thing, folks.

Evelyn: I was hoping that was water...or at least vodka. Why’d you have to ruin the illusion for me?

Riley: Oh, what, like drinking vinegar is weird?

Evelyn: It is. It’s very weird. Less so than mayo or school glue, but still pretty weird.

Riley: I’m an adult, I can drink what I want.

SOUND: Riley slurping vinegar.

Riley: Anyway, I think you’re gonna like this episode.

Evelyn: Yeah, you haven’t told me anything about what we’re doing this week, and frankly, I’m kind of worried. I mean, I’m staying cautiously optimistic? But I’m worried.

Riley: Take a ghostly chill pill. It’ll all make sense in time. For now we’ll go ahead and do the int-

[ INTRO MUSIC ]

Riley: -ro.

Evelyn: Hey guys, if you’re listening to this, you’re probably no less confused about the topic of this episode than I am.

Riley: Today, while on a wikipedia link safari, I found out that ancient Sumerians used my ancestors’ blood to make fabric dye. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Evelyn.

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Did you know there’s a new app now called Tinder But For Ghosts?

Evelyn: Very creative name.

Riley: Par for the course, since this app is from the Todd family of products.

Evelyn: Todd’s still at it? Ugh. You'd think he'd be more focused on settling the Gargoyle Strike.

Riley: The world loves to give a million chances to people who don't deserve it, Ev. Anyway, Tinder But For Ghosts-

Evelyn: Hold the phone ...remind me what Tinder is again.

Riley: Evelyn, we took that whole day where I just showed you all the apps in the app store, don’t you remember?

Evelyn: No, there are so many apps!

Riley: Alright- Tinder is basically a hookup app. It shows you how many other tinder users are nearby and interested in talking to you. If you’re interested in them, you swipe right to start chatting, if you’re not, you swipe left.

Evelyn: Okay- a little confusing, but if it works, okay.

Riley: I got to thinking - and this has been on my mind for several weeks, ever since we had your ex on here-

Evelyn: Riley ...I was just starting to get over that whole thing. I really was.

Riley: Sorry, but I had to open that wound up again in order to properly heal it.

Evelyn: I don’t think that’s how wounds work.

Riley: Irrelevant. There’s a ghost dating app now, is where I’m going with this.

Evelyn: I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t understand how I’m gonna be able to use it when-

Riley: -You can’t physically hold a phone to use it? Funny you should ask.

SOUND: Riley puts an iPhone on the table.

Riley: iPhone….

SOUND: Riley picks up a sledgehammer.

Riley: Meet sledgehammer.

SOUND: Riley throws the phone on the ground then smashes it to pieces with the hammer.

Evelyn: Oh my god.

SOUND: Riley grunts animalistically while they continue to smash.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, I think I see the point-

Riley: [Out of breath] Ghost phone.

SOUND: Phone starting up noise, but spooky.

Evelyn: Oh nice!

SOUND: Evelyn taps on the phone screen.

Riley: [Snickering] Evelyn...you use your phone like my mom.

Evelyn: Cut me some slack, last time I occupied physical space I had a nokia! And we both know your mom doesn't use a phone, she just makes her voice appear in people’s heads.

SOUND: Evelyn taps, then takes a selfie.

Evelyn: I took a selfie! This is exciting ...What should I put on my profile? Okay...um...Name: Evelyn Hooper, Year of Death: 2004, Age...do I put my real age or what age I’d be if I was alive right now?

Riley: First one.

Evelyn: 23...Interested in ...female ghosts. Likes...dogs, early 2000’s alternative rock, Disney, watching Associates, and making a podcast with my best ghoulfriend Riley.

Riley: I appreciate the shoutout but I don’t want the ghosts to know who I am.

Evelyn: - and making podcasts with my best friend who has requested to remain anonymous. Do you think that’s a good picture of me?

Riley: I think that’s the best you’ll probably get. Let me take one.

SOUND: The phone camera clicks.

Evelyn: Cute! Alright, now what do I do?

Riley: I mean, I’ve never used Tinder, but I guess you just wait.

SOUND: Knocking at the door.

Riley: That’ll be my ghostmates order. I got ribs and cheesy fries again from that Texas barbecue place.

Evelyn: You’ve had food from them 4 times this week. Aren’t you sick of it?

Riley: No. And until another restaurant opens up that hasn’t heard about what I’ve done, I can’t afford to be.

Evelyn: I can’t see how you can still eat their food after finding out they were such jerks to Tarrare’s ghost.

Riley: Evelyn. What am I supposed to do, cook? Every day? Like some kind of asshole?

SOUND: Knocking again, louder. Riley runs upstairs.

Riley: Sorry to keep you waiting, Bubba.

Bubba: [Unintelligible]

Riley: Is that a new skin-mask? Looks good.

Bubba: [Unintelligible]

Riley: Thanks.

SOUND: Door closing. Riley goes down to the basement. They sit down and start eating their ribs.

Riley: [With mouth full] So, anyone looking to hop on those ghost titties yet?

Evelyn: Nobody who seems nice. A lot of guys, actually, which is weird, because I told it not to.

Riley: Well, I mean...Todd made this app, so bugs are to be expected. He's probably also currently selling your data to Russia.

SOUND: The sound of a new match showing up on the app.

Evelyn: Oh, she’s cute! ‘Marigold, 26- I died in a boating accident but I still love the water. Let’s go haunt a section of beach together.’

Riley: Go for it!

SOUND: Evelyn swipes.

Evelyn: Ah, heck.

SOUND: She swipes again and it makes an error noise.

Evelyn: I got rid of her by accident. Oh no, I accidentally swiped on one of the dudes!

Riley: It’s fine, just disconnect the chat.

Evelyn: There is no chat, I don’t know what’s happening.

SOUND: Tyler manifests in the room.

Tyler: Hey, what’s up, babes? You must be Evelyn. Nice rack.

Riley: Excellent work, Todd, just really amazing...highly functional app you’ve made here.

Evelyn: Hey, uh ...thanks. Look, I’m really sorry, but I swiped you by mistake.

Tyler: Aw, man, really? Are you sure? Was it because of my picture? Maybe I can win you over with my personality.

Evelyn: No, your picture looks really great-

Tyler: Thanks!

Evelyn: You’re welcome! But what I was gonna say was- I’m a lesbian.

Tyler: [No clue] Uh-huh.

Evelyn: I was trying to swipe for a lady ghost and I swiped you by accident because I died before phones were like this.

Tyler: Totally understandable.

[Beat]

Riley: She wants you to get lost, Einstein.

Tyler: What? Why?

Evelyn: I like girls.

Tyler: Me too! We’ve got so much in common!

SOUND: Riley smacks their forehead and groans.

Evelyn: Well, even if I don’t really wanna hook up with you, maybe we can just hang out. It’s nice to have someone new to talk to.

Tyler: I mean, I totally wanna hook up with you, but that sounds like a pretty sweet idea too.

Evelyn: So...uh… [she looks at her phone] Tyler… [she instantly becomes really enthusiastic] Oh my gosh, your favourite band is Matchbox 20?

Riley: Oh no. Oh no.

Tyler: Yeah, man, I love them! By the way, I almost didn’t notice because of your sweet rack, but that is an awesome Nickelback shirt. Did you get that when they were on tour?

Evelyn: Maybe scale back the boob compliments a little, but ...yeah! I died when they were playing the FSU campus back in 2004!

Tyler: Dude, that's righteous!

Evelyn: I know, right? I tried to get tickets whenever they played in Florida.

Tyler: Hard same, bro!

Riley: Did Azfar just take me to hell in episode one, and that's what I've been experiencing since?

Evelyn: Before I died I saw them in Jacksonville. It was so rad.

Tyler: No way! You’re from Jacksonville?

Evelyn: No, I’m from St. Marks, but that’s where I went to go see them!

Tyler: I’m from Jacksonville! I went to college there! I got alcohol poisoning at a frat party after doing an insane keg stand, that’s how I died!

Evelyn: When did you die?

Tyler: Last year.

Evelyn: So, how's death been for you so far? How far did you get through the paperwork before they tossed you back down to Earth?

Tyler: Aw man, there's paperwork? I hate reading.

Evelyn: So you've just been on Earth the whole time?

Tyler: Yeah, dude. I spend most of my time haunting changing rooms.

Riley: Gross.

Evelyn: How come you never went up?

Tyler: See, you know how like- ghosts are supposed to have like...unfinished business?

Riley: We are aware of this, yes.

Tyler: I think mine is like- see, there was still beer in the last keg when I stopped and puked everywhere and died.

Riley: How many kegs were involved in this keg stand?

Tyler: Four. Almost had the world record!

SOUND: Tyler does the fuckboy laugh.

Riley: I hope your other matches aren't as dumb as this guy.

Evelyn: You know, three and a half is still a pretty big achievement.

Riley: Yeah, someone should get this joker a Darwin award.

Tyler: Aw, thanks, babes- it really means a lot that you think that. I just wish my boys agreed with you. I feel like I let them down, you know?

Evelyn: Well, what matters is you're proud of yourself.

Tyler: You know what? Yeah, yeah, that is all that matters. Huh- I feel so weirdly light, after admitting that-

Riley: I think you just put his soul to rest.

Tyler: Aw, what? Now I gotta do paperwork? This blows!

SOUND: Tyler ascends.

Tyler: Oh I dunno if I mentioned it before, but [his voice fading] nice raaaack!

[Beat.]

Riley: Well- that was one way to get rid of him, I guess.

Evelyn: I hope he ends up in a good afterlife. He was kinda fun.

Riley: Dude was a total himbo, and that's being generous.

Evelyn: Guess the search goes on...Wait, what's that?

Riley: Ugh. An ad. Of course.

Evelyn: I wouldn't expect anything less from a Todd product.

Riley: I hate when these greedy assholes shove ads right in the middle of your--

[Weird Ad Time]

SOUND: Cheerful elevator music.

Glenn: Does your life suck? Am I hearing a yes? Probably! Chances are, your life sucks because there are people giving you a hard time, unfairly or otherwise. You know these kinds of people - your boss, your landlord, your family. The kind of people who give you a hate boner the size of lady liberty. Do you want these people dead, but find you're too weak, stupid, or ugly to get the job done?

Hi, I'm Glenn Rhodes. Assassin, lover, answer to all your worldly problems. And I don't have a receding hairline, so don't mention it. When it comes to making people dead, that's, uh, that's something I can do. And I think, personally, you should be paying someone like me to do it. Or rather, me, specifically. Cause I'm the best there is. You want them shot in the head? I can do that. Stabbed? I can do that, too. Strangling? Fuhgeddaboutit! For the right price, I'll do damn near anything, except open-mouth kissing. So if you want people dead and want someone to do the deadifying for you, call now, while I'm still awake.

Glenn Rhodes: You've had the rest, now have the Glennst. Fuck. Stop the recording. Yeah, just stop it. [Sigh] What a fucking shitshow.

SOUND: Cheerful elevator music continues as Glenn mutters quietly.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: The app boops.

Evelyn: Oh, I got another match!

Riley: Oh, she's hot.

Evelyn: 'Rachel, 21, I'm a real go-getter.'

Riley: Well, what are you waiting for? Go get her!

Evelyn: Encouragement!

SOUND: Evelyn swipes. Rachel manifests in the basement.

Evelyn: Hi, Rachel, I'm-

Rachel: Evelyn, yeah, I know.

Evelyn: That's a very firm handshake you've got there. So, uh- tell me a little about yourself, Rachel.

Rachel: Well, like my profile says, I'm a real go-getter. I worked at a law firm when I was alive, and I was on my way to becoming a partner.

Evelyn: That's so cool! You were like Aly McBeal!

Rachel: ...What's that?

Evelyn: It's a TV show.

Rachel: Must be after my time. I died in the 80's.

Evelyn: Oh, cool. How'd it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Rachel: Well, I decided to let loose at an office party, and I got a little too loose. I tried to photocopy my ass but I broke the glass and got electrocuted. And I'd finally gotten a reservation at Dorsia, too. It's a little embarrassing, I know.

Evelyn: Well, if it's any consolation, you have a great butt. It doesn't look like it's been electrocuted at all. And that pantsuit looks super cute on you.

Rachel: Thank you! I did aerobics. So anyway, I have a lot I have to do this afternoon, so if you want to do anything romantic, let's just get it over with now and I'll call you again later, okay?

Riley: Why are you in such a hurry? You're dead. Time literally isn't a factor for you.

Rachel: But I wanna get a head start on the work I do in my next life, you know, in case I get reincarnated as a different lawyer.

Evelyn: That seems like it's a little counter-intuitive. I mean, you're dead. You should be using this time to rest. You don't want to be burnt out as soon as you start your next life, do you?

Rachel: Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. [her voice starts to fade] Well, in that case, we'll take it slow- you and I can just go for a walk in the park and-

SOUND: Rachel crosses over.

Evelyn: Gosh dang it! I did it again!

Riley: And you two would've made a really cute couple, too....Want me to go find out where she's buried and eat her bones so she's stuck here?

Evelyn: No!

SOUND: Evelyn sighs. The app boops again.

Evelyn: Well, third time's the charm! Her name is Letitia – she's 27, and she loves Jazz and bootlegging.

Riley: She must've died in the 1920's. That could be an interesting hookup. You two could dance the Charleston together.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I don't have feet anymore. Anyway, let's give it the old college try.

SOUND: Evelyn swipes. Letitia manifests.

Evelyn: Hi, Letitia!

Letitia: Nice to meetcha, Evelyn. You can call me Letty, all my friends do. I'm just glad I got here, it's taken me a while to figure out this whole cellular telephone business. I keep getting served fellas when I specifically told it I was only interested in dames.

Evelyn: Oh gosh, I had the same problem. Well, I'm glad you're here now, and uh....what's that dripping sound?

Letitia: Uh...Nothing. Maybe you've got bad pipes.

Riley: No, that's coming from you. And now that I look at you...you're really damp. Like, all over.

Evelyn: Did you die in a boating accident?

Letitia: Uhhh yeah, let's go with that. I uh- accidentally fell out a boat into the Atlantic Ocean, no thanks to that rat Jimmy Morricone.

Riley: Letty...

Letitia: [turning to Riley] Hello!

Riley: Were you some kind of gangster's moll?

[Beat.]

Riley: The cops can't get you when you're a ghost, you can tell us. We've literally had so many criminals on this show.

Letitia: [scoff] I was not a gangster's moll- I was my own thing, thank you very much. Left-hand Letty, they used to call me- because I'm ambidextrous, but I always wore the knuckle-dusters on my left hand.

Evelyn: Cool!

Riley: You ever killed anyone?

Letitia: None of your business.

Riley: Fair enough, that answers that.

Letitia: Anyway, I figure I can't cross over because Jimmy never got what was coming to him. He died at 85 surrounded by family and friends, the bastard.

Evelyn: Aw, that's...wait. No it isn't, it's actually bad.

Letitia: That's for damn sure! Anyway, Evelyn...do you like dancing?

Riley: Ha! Called it!

Evelyn: I'm super bad at it, but yes!

Letitia: Great, because if you're free tonight, I know an abandoned nightclub that's haunted by this jazz band who got in a plane crash on their way to play there.

Evelyn: Well, that sounds awesome! Let's go! Don't wait up for me, Riley.

Riley: You kids have fun.

SOUND: Letitia strains, struggling to move. The sound of bricks scraping across the floor.

Evelyn: You coming?

Letitia: Yeah, sometimes I just have a hard time going from place to place since I died tied to these cinderblocks.

Evelyn: Oh, so that's what that chain around your waist is.

Letitia: Yeah. Makes moving around a real bitch.

Evelyn: I thought that was just a really cute belt. Here, let me help you with that-

SOUND: Evelyn unlocks the chain.

Letitia: Oh, that's so much better- Wait, ah shit...

Riley: I didn’t know you could do that...

SOUND: Letitia starts to float upwards.

Evelyn: There’s a lot you don’t kn-- Oh gosh dang it again! Why can't I have one good thing in my death? [demonic] WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE SINGLE GOOD THING?

SOUND: Bookshelves rattling.

Riley: Uh...Ev, calm down.

SOUND: Evelyn takes a deep breath and sighs sadly.

Evelyn: Sorry, Riley...it's just....maybe I'm not ready to start dating again just yet.

Riley: That's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have forced you into it.

Evelyn: Your heart was in the right place. You know what, Riley?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: I'm glad you're here. Even if I do end up forever alone-

Riley: Remember that conversation we had where I told you about all the dead memes?

Evelyn: Shut up. Even if I do end up forever alone, I'm never gonna be really alone. I'll always have you.

Riley: Until I die.

Evelyn: I'll make sure you die with some unfinished business so we can still hang out.

SOUND: They both laugh.

[ END ]