When what was supposed to be a routine recording was interrupted by a strange Blooping noise, Riley and Evelyn suddenly have to deal with a giant, floating breast and the deranged seaman trying to harpoon it.

+Transcript

Riley: [each word punctuated with pauses for emphasis] Big. Anime. Boobs.

SOUND: An immense thunder crack.

Evelyn: You’re really going to start like that?

Riley: I’m not talking about your paranormal activi-titties for once, Hooper. I’m talking about a wider, cultural trend here.

Evelyn: Are you sure you’re not just trying to justify watching the second season of “Dying of the Plague In Another World”?

Riley: It’s not like I can do anything else right now, there’s a goddamn maelstrom out there. This time, it's Hurricane John Cena. Thanks, Florida.

Evelyn: It’s not like you ever go outside anyway.

Riley: Welcome to the Less is Morgue storm-cast, part two. This time we’ve left out a baggy of crystal meth for the Florida Man, so we won’t be fielding any unexpected intrusions.

Evelyn: Touch wood.

Riley: Speaking of people touching wood, let’s get back to anime.

Evelyn: You’re gonna make people mad!

Riley: They need to hear this! It’s gone too far.

Evelyn: While I agree with you, I also have to say that Japan is on the other side of the world, this podcast isn't in Japanese, and the animation industry probably isn’t going to change any time soon.

Riley: Irrelevant. This is the internet.

Evelyn: You use that argument a lot.

Riley: Because it’s irrefutable. Anyway, if you’ve watched any anime in the past two decades or so, you’ve likely noticed a pair of trends: one, that anime tiddies are getting even bigger. Two, that the people with the tiddies are getting younger. Notice, by the way, how I said “people” and not “women” - cause this bullshit affects trans guys and non-binary folks like me, too. In fact, do you ever think about how--

Evelyn: Riley, focus! Anime tiddies! Stay on task!

Riley: Right, right. So, here’s my question: how is drawing someone who looks about twelve having melons bigger than Evelyn’s head okay, but if I go to the store to buy firecrackers without my shirt on, I’d get slapped with an indecent exposure fine?

---

Evelyn: Well, I’d guess because you’re a real person and these are anime girls. It is super annoying though.

Riley: It must be a heavy burden for you, personally, to bear, Ev.

Evelyn: Not sure what you’re implying there, Riles.

Riley: I mean the gravity of this issue certainly affects the balance of your life.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, that’s enough.

Riley: I’m just saying, I’m here to provide the support you need.

[BEAT.]

Riley: Listeners, if those jokes went over your head...Go to our socials, look at any picture of Evelyn. She’s got some jugs. Like I mean… some bazongas.

Evelyn: I feel like you’re undermining your own message at this point, Riles. I thought we were talking about anime boobs.

Riley: I’m just pointing out that you should have more of an opinion on this, seeing as you've got more lived experience with breasticular discrimination than I do, considering I’m a member of the itty bitty titty committee, and you’re the president of the United States of having Huge Jugs.

Evelyn: They didn’t elect me! [sighs] If you want me to speak on trippy ghost problems, or lesbian problems, or the plight of being a Nickelback fan, I’ll do it. But having boobs is not something that defines me.

Riley: But it is a very central part of your physical being. Look, I just don’t wanna make sweeping statements about the representation of big boobs without getting input from someone who can judge its accuracy.

Evelyn: Well, in that case, yeah, I think it is weird the way boobs move in anime. Like, you see all these women running around and their boobs are just bouncing around everywhere like it’s nothing. If I ever tried to go for a run without double-layering my sports bras I’d end up giving myself a black eye. Not to mention the fact that it'd hurt like all heck, and probably would even if you had small boobs.

Riley: There we go! That’s the problem here - these anime boobs aren’t meant to be some realistic representation of the actual boob experience. Same with boobs in comics, same with boobs in porn, same with boobs in the Fast and Furious franchise. They’re there for horny straight men, and horny straight men only. And furthermore--

SOUND: A tremendous BLOOP noise.

Riley: Okay, what the fuck was that?

Evelyn: I’m not sure. Maybe it’s something to do with the storm? I read a report about flooding and there was something about Nuclear Super-Gators again?

Riley: No, Evelyn, Nuclear Super-Gators sound like this [Riley makes some freakish growling noises] this is totally different.

SOUND: Another tremendous BLOOP noise.

Riley: There it is again! Look at how the audio spiked - it’s fucking with our incisive social commentary!

Evelyn: Aww, and I was starting to actually get into it. Maybe we’ll just scrap this one and record again later.

Riley: You know The Less is Morgue Code: Never scrap an episode.

SOUND: BLOOP.

Riley: Except maybe this once.

SOUND: Muffled clunking of a motorboat coming down the basement stairs.

Evelyn: Oh, I don’t like the sound of that. Riley: I feel like something really stupid is about to happen.

SOUND: The basement door bursts open. Water pours into the room, carrying with it the Pecker 2 motorboat and its crew - Captain Cishmale, and Chip, the cabin boy.

Riley: And we’ve got a flood! Evelyn, save the audio equipment! [beat] Crap, Evelyn, watch me save the audio equipment.

Evelyn: Don’t get your feet wet, Riley, I used to hate that.

SOUND: The roar of the motorboat entering the room, and the scurvy laughter of Captain Cishmale.

Cishmale: Yarr, this be the scurviest man-cave I’ve ever barged into!

Chip: It smells like burnt macaroni, captain!

Cishmale: Tough titties, my boy. Grin and bear it.

Chip: Aye aye, Captain!

Riley: Great, spend two minutes talking about boobs and now we’ve summoned some.

Chip: Boobs! where!?

SOUND: Chip extends a pirate spyglass.

Evelyn: Why does this keep happening to us? I feel like it's not normal to have two different pirates on one podcast.

Cishmale: Give me that spyglass, boy. You’re much too young for lookout duty.

Riley: Look out for this!

SOUND: Riley discharges a crossbow bolt at them. Chip yelps.

Cishmale: Shiver me timbers, lassie, you almost killed me!

Chip: They got me in the foot, Captain!

Cishmale: Walk it off, Chip!

Riley: Consider that a warning shot, fuckers. The next one will get your other leg.

Evelyn: Riley, you just shot the cabin boy. Let’s maybe take it down a notch.

Cishmale: Aye! The one with the mountainous mammaries is right! We mean ye no harm!

SOUND: Boat flips over. SPLASH.

Cishmale: Man overboard, man overboard!

Chip: Boy overboard, boy overboard!

Riley: Ev, did you just poltergeist-capsize their boat?

Evelyn: [Defensive] What? It's more humane than a crossbow.

Riley: It won’t be when they come up for air!

Evelyn: One sec, lemme just close the door before all of you drown.

Riley: Or worse, before water damages the recording equipment.

SOUND: Evelyn closes the door, ceasing the rushing waters. Cishmale and Chip gasp as they surface.

Chip: Are you alive, Captain?

Cishmale: Yes, my boy! More importantly, am I alive?

Chip: You look fine to me, Captain.

Cishmale: Don't go lily-livered on me, boy.

Riley: Seeing as you’re regrettably both still alive, can you either tell me why you're flooding my basement or kindly get the fuck out of it?

Evelyn: Also, how can you see me? You're the second mortal to perceive me this month and it's kind of weirding me out.

Cishmale: Call me Cishmale. Captain Cishmale! The saltiest sea dog this side of Sarasota. I’ve seen the sorriest slew of scary sights in my time on the seven seas, and you, busty spectre, are far from the strangest.

Evelyn: Oh, so you’re a loon. Makes sense, the last guy was too.

Riley: Tasted pretty good, though.

Cishmale: This be my sailing vessel, the Pecker 2.

Chip: And I’m Chip! The plucky cabin boy who likes to quip!

Cishmale: Go soak your head! They don’t care about meetin’ you.

Chip: [reluctantly] Aye aye, Captain.

Riley: Feel free not to correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you need a full cabin to have a cabin boy. Your so-called “sailing vessel” is just a motorboat with “Pecker 2” painted onto it.

Cishmale: Well, it’s not called the Pecker 2 for nothing. The Pecker 1 was a glorious galleon, the kind a man only sees once in a trust fund.

Evelyn: What happened to it?

Cishmale: It was destroyed, the crew lost. Three hundred good men, going their own way. All because of...The Breast.

Riley: Don't you mean “The Beast”?

Evelyn: He obviously doesn’t, Riley.

Cishmale: Your voluptuous friend speaks the truth. There were but two great breasts of the sea, and before my ship was crushed between them, I launched my harpoon and took one of them down with it. The other still haunts these waters, a vile leviathan of lactate.

Riley: If you ever use that phrase again, I will shoot you. This is not a threat, it's a promise.

Evelyn: I'm really not comfortable with how this is going.

Cishmale: So you see, I’ve bought this motorboat, the only seaworthy vessel that can withstand the force of...Moby Tit.

SOUND: Lightning strikes again.

Riley: When did this become our life?

Evelyn: And death?

Riley: So, let me get this straight…

Cishmale: [Defensive] Who said I'm not straight? Nobody’s straighter than this salty seaman!

Chip: You tell ‘em, Captain! You're the masculine ideal!

Riley: Ignoring that and moving on, for the sake of my mental health. So, just to recap: You’re out there in the middle of a fucking Gatornado, hunting a giant sea-boob.

Cishmale: Sky-Boob, technically. It can fly.

Riley: Oh, my mistake. I thought for a second that this whole thing was nonsense, but thank you for clarifying about the Sky boob.

Evelyn: Kill me again.

Riley: Seeing as you're, and I mean this in the nicest possible of ways, completely fucking insane, how can we be sure that this so-called boob isn't just a figment of your diseased imagination?

Cishmale: Well, other than the raging storm the breast causes in its wake, you’d hear it coming. It makes a baleful cry like [Mimicking the BLOOP]

Chip: No, Captain, it’s like [Mimicking the BLOOP, but slightly worse]

Riley: You’re both wrong! It sounded like [Pitch-perfect BLOOP] and if that’s what’s been fucking up my audio tonight, let’s go kill this thing.

Evelyn: What, Riley!?

Cishmale: Welcome aboard, Riley of the Man-Cave.

Riley: Still got the crossbow.

Cishmale: Point taken. Save your bolts for… Moby Tit.

Riley: If I die on this voyage, tell my family nothing.

SOUND: Riley steps into the boat.

Evelyn: Riley, I can’t believe you’re literally on board with this! We can’t aid and abet the cold-blooded murder of an innocent boob! We’re both feminists, and we both cried watching Free Willy!

Riley: DON’T TELL THE LISTENERS THAT! IT’S A LIE, I NEVER CRY! EVER!

Evelyn: You look like you’re about to cry right now!

Cishmale: Nobody here is about to cry! We’re in total, rational control of our emotions.

Chip: Captain, my foot’s still bleeding.

Cishmale: [Rage] Oh, cry me a river, Chip!

Chip: It hurts like a motherfucker.

Cishmale: Who taught you that kind of language, you little shit?

Riley: Look, Evelyn. I see where you’re coming from. But whether it’s a boob, a super gator, or a goddamn floating testicle, you mess with the audio, you get shot-io.

Evelyn: Fine, I guess I’ll tag along and I totally won’t sabotage this at every step of the way.

Riley: I appreciate your honesty.

Cishmale: Well, if we’re all done smacking lips and being gay, let’s get this motorboat started!

Evelyn: I'm literally never done being gay.

Cishmale: Oh, but you will be, after you’ve seen… Moby Tit!

SOUND: Scurvy cackle from Cishmale as he rips the motor back into life.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A fire bursts into life in a nearby fireplace. Gentle, classical piano music begins to play in the background.

Dr. Heimer: We live in a nervous age, don't we? So much to be concerned about. Politics, climate change, that weird feeling you've been getting that's probably cancer. Insanity is a natural response to the pressures of being cursed with existence on our frenetic little globe, but that doesn't make it any less of a pain in the posterior. But you know what does? The comfort of knowing that there are so many people out there who are far nuttier than you.

SOUND: The piano music ceases. Dr. Heimer closes the piano lid.

Dr. Heimer: I'm Doctor Alfred Z. Heimer, a real psychiatrist, and an honest man. And I care deeply about your wellbeing - it pains me that there are only so many patients I can attend to in a given week, and that so many of these sessions are brief, because my patients - ahem, cure themselves so frequently. That's why I'm making my own new podcast:

The Headcase Files, an ethically dubious voyage into the heads of some of my most hopeless patients - complete with full recordings of our therapy sessions, taken and released without their knowledge, for the voyeuristic thrill of seeing another person’s darkest moments laid out onto your lap like a television dinner. Here are a few clips that will surely entice you into listening…

[A BRIEF MONTAGE OF CLIPS BEGIN TO PLAY]

Frantic Patient: Doctor, I feel like the walls are closing in. I feel like I'm giving up hope, there's got to be something you can do for me.

Dr. Heimer: Worry not, dear. I've got a list of all the tall buildings with roof access in the city, one moment…

SOUND: Static.

Disturbed Patient: I know this ain't healthy, Doc, but I'm feeling a pretty strong urge to kinda murder the living hell out of my neighbour and wear his skin.

Dr. Heimer: Well, the heart wants what the heart wants. Best heed its call.

SOUND: Static.

Depressed Patient: Yeah, I'm not sure the therapy is really working for me, it's not really improved my self-esteem at all.

Dr. Heimer: Perhaps the fact that you're stupid and rather ugly is a barrier to progress.

Depressed Patient: [Sighs] Yeah, that's probably it.

[END MONTAGE]

Dr. Heimer: If that doesn't whet your appetite, well, I don't know what will. Full names, phone numbers, and home addresses of each patient will be available in the show notes. The Headcase Files - who says therapy can't be fun?

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Storm and flooding waters. Motorboat running in the background.

Cishmale: Well, it took a few hours to get the boat up the basement stairs, but we’re on open waters now, and that's what matters.

Riley: It still kind of amazes me that you managed to do that.

Evelyn: Yeah, the rest of this all follows facts and logic.

Cishmale: Poppycock! Facts and logic are just the names I gave me testes! I lost me logic fighting the first of the breasts, but by Davy Jones’ Jockstrap, the second will not claim me facts!

Riley: Will you please stop talking?

Evelyn: It’d be a real shame if this boat were to capsize again…

Riley: Don't you dare, Hooper. I've got a Mac and like three hundred dollars worth of recording equipment on here.

Chip: [Too close to the mic] Your stuff’s really cool, Riley!

Riley: Watch it, Chip!

Cishmale: Yeah, watch it, you little bitch!

Chip: [Sad] Aye aye, Captain.

Evelyn: Don't you think you're being a little hard on him, Cishmale?

Cishmale: The boy needs discipline! You can't let your Chip slip.

Riley: Terrible, but effective.

Cishmale: He needs all this if he wants to be strong. The poor boy’s been through enough already - show ‘em, Chip. Take off yer shirt.

Riley: Woah, woah, what's going on here? Do I need to call somebody?

Chip: It’s okay, just look.

SOUND: Chip takes off his shirt. Everyone gasps.

Evelyn: He’s made entirely out of wood! How is he alive?

Cishmale: He wanted to be a real boy, but he sucked at it. So now only his head and left foot are made of flesh.

Chip: Kinda wish you shot the other one, Riley.

Riley: I thought this was a swashbuckling voyage, not a guilt trip.

Cishmale: Alright, put your shirt back on, boy. You disgust not only me, but everyone.

Chip: Aye aye, Captain. You don't need to tell me twice.

Cishmale: And don’t get splinters in the cotton. That’s polynesian fabric, so I’ve been told… by a stupid lady.

Evelyn: Jeez, what is your problem?

SOUND: Two Nuclear Super Gators roar up with the same noise that Riley made when talking about them.

Riley: Who cares what his problem is? We’ve got incoming Nuclear Super Gators!

Chip: What’s the difference between a nuclear super gator and a regular gator?

Riley: No carbon emissions!

Chip: It must have been my foot blood! They were drawn by my foot blood!

Cishmale: If you say foot blood one more time, you won’t have a leg to stand on!

Evelyn: You’re awful!

Cishmale: Awfully mad! Riley, you take the one on the right, I’ll harpoon the left! Chip, drive the motorboat betwixt them!

Chip: Aye aye, Captain!

SOUND: Motorboat speeds up. Crossbow-loading noise.

Riley: This is for Steve Irwin, you scaly bitch!

Chip: Wasn’t it a stingray that killed Steve Irwin?

Evelyn: [Gasps] Steve Irwin’s dead?

SOUND: Crossbow shot kills Nuclear Super Gator.

Cishmale: The only ‘poon you’re getting is a harpoon!

SOUND: Cishmale kills the other gator.

Evelyn: How could you make killing a Nuclear Super Gator awkward?

Riley: Yeah, I wanted a minute to celebrate how dead-on that shot was, but then you had to Cishmale all over it.

Cishmale: Well, they’re dead, alright? I’ll come up with something better next time.

Evelyn: Please, for the sake of everyone, don’t.

Chip: Hey, can we maybe bandage my foot please, guys? I'm starting to feel woozy here…

Cishmale: I find your lack of resolve as disgusting as your mutilated foot, boy. We’re so close to finding… Moby Tit, you can't just quit now because you're “dying” of “blood loss.” Man up!

Riley: And I’m starting to get hungry for feet. Not in a weird way.

Evelyn: Just reminding you that, despite the rocking of the boat, our audio is still live.

Riley: I gotta say, really impressed with the quality of my audio equipment today.

Evelyn: Yeah, it’s almost worth putting it and all of our lives and dignity at risk to get revenge on something for two seconds of interrupted audio.

Riley: [gritted teeth] You mess with the audio, you get shot-io.

Cishmale: It won’t be long now, until the breast is laid bare before us. I can feel the tingling in me short hairs and me long johns.

Chip: I can’t feel anything!

Evelyn: I can’t feel anything either. Except for an all-consuming rage.

Riley: Hey, I don't like him either, but I'm willing to put massive ideological differences aside to destroy a common enemy.

Cishmale: Right, what they said.

Chip: I wish I could see ghosts.

Cishmale: You're not missing much - all she does is whine.

Evelyn: Hey!

Cishmale: Look, lass, I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.

Chip: How big are her boobies?

Cishmale: Good question, lad. They’re somewhere between a Z and a Z minus.

Evelyn: You don’t know how cup sizes work, do you?

Cishmale: Nobody does. Those letters are arcane! Just like W-2 forms. I’m not a dependent. I don’t even know the meaning of the word!

Chip: It means--

Cishmale: [Furious] Every second with you! Stop being so dependent on my approval!

---

Evelyn: Riley, can I ask you a favour?

Riley: Sure.

Evelyn: I wanna speak to Chip. Could you pass my messages over?

Riley: I'm not sure why you'd want to speak to either of these guys, but fuck it, why not, I guess.

Evelyn: Tell him that I’m really concerned about him. As far as male role-models go, Cishmale might actually be the worst one there is. Especially for someone so young and impressionable.

Riley: Is that all?

Evelyn: I want him to know that he’s still got a lot of time to figure himself out and he doesn’t have to reach some pivotal stage of development while hunting a sky boob with a mad, misogynistic sea captain.

Riley: Got it, got it. [Beat] Hey, kid. Don’t grow up. It’s not fun to be an adult.

Chip: Oh. Okay.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: Also, my ghost friend thinks you have potential.

Chip: Potential for what?

Riley: Potential for not being as big a dick as this guy.

Chip: But what if I want to be a big dick?

Riley: Good point. I can't dispute that.

Evelyn: I’m breaking out an old favorite for you, Riley. Here comes the Evelyn Hooper facepalm.

SOUND: Ghostly whap.

Riley: You’ve been practicing?

Evelyn: I invented it!

Chip: I'm really confused. How can I practice being a big dick?

Riley: I think what my ghostly partner here is trying to say is that Cishmale is a weird asshole that treats you like crap, so why would you want to be like him?

Cishmale: Don't listen to them, Chip, they're putting poison in your delicate ears!

Chip: Oh, I don’t like poison!

Riley: You just haven’t had good poison.

Evelyn: I swear, Riley. I’m about to say the F-word on our show again.

Cishmale: Chip has always wanted to be a real boy, and I told him, in exchange for his cabin boy services, I'd do him one better and make him a man. And what better way to become a man than vanquishing... Moby Tit.

Riley: I mean, that’s not the only way to become a man, though.

Cishmale: [Sarcastic] Oh, in that case, let’s turn this ship around, shall we! We’ll all just have a seminar about whether animals have feelings. Are you crazy?

Riley: You want to know how easy it is to be a man? Speak from deep in your chest, wear a ton of blue, and always tell people about how much you love your golden retriever. “Man” and “woman” are two words invented by marketing gurus to shill pink razors and Old Spice. You give them your identity, they’ll sell it back to you.

Chip: That sounds even worse than poison!

Cishmale: You leave my excellent 2-in-1 shampoo and deodorant out of this!

Riley: Or what? You’ll be on a horse?

Evelyn: I don’t get it, but yeah, get off your high horse!

Riley: Nice.

Cishmale: Whose side are you on, anyway?

Riley: The only side I'm ever on: Mine! [Beat] Wait, why did it just get so dark?

SOUND: Loudest BLOOP noise. It sounds like it's right above them.

Cishmale: It’s here! The great breast! At long last! Absolution! We’ve come face to teat with… Moby Tit!

Riley: Shit. That’s a Z cup if I’ve ever seen one.

Chip: It’s so beautiful, Captain! I can’t look away!

Cishmale: Avert your eyes, boy! It’ll drive you morny! That’s mad and horny at the same time!

Evelyn: What’s it even connected to?

Cishmale: I’ll tell you what it’s not connected to: Anything good! [Beat] Here’s to years of personal and sexual frustration, you overgrown melon!

SOUND: Cishmale grunts and throws the harpoon. It makes a fleshy “thud.”

Chip: It looks like you’ve pierced the nipple, Captain!

Cishmale: [Throaty cackle] The climbing rope is in place, lad. Now I’m gonna finish the job. The boob job!

---

Riley: That thing has a harpoon lodged in its areola and It hasn’t even noticed us.

Evelyn: Yeah, it actually seems totally harmless.

Riley: It’s a sitting duck! Perfect!

SOUND: Riley loads the crossbow.

Evelyn: Riley, no! It’s just living its best life.

Riley: Yeah, well, I'm gonna help it die its best death.

Evelyn: You are not shooting this boob today! I may not have real feet anymore, but I’m putting them down!

Riley: Evelyn, your all-consuming rage is starting to shake the boat. Can you just let me line up the shot first?

Evelyn: You might think you’re helping save the episode, but if you do this, you’ll be undermining your whole point. You’ll be no better than that maniac climbing a weathered rope towards a giant Nipple.

Cishmale: [Distant] Yuck! I can see its veins! Curse you… Moby Tit.

Evelyn: Listen to me, Riley. I know what happens when you mess with the audio…

Riley: [Deadpan] You get shot-io.

Evelyn: Right, but you have a thesis statement to prove! And isn’t proving that you were already the smartest person in the room more important to you than petty revenge?

[BEAT.]

Riley: Well, I guess when you put it that way: Fuck this.

Evelyn: Yay! Non-violent solutions!

Riley: Not entirely.

SOUND: Riley shoots a crossbow bolt at Cishmale.

Cishmale: Ahh! The ghoul shot me in the facts!

SOUND: Cishmale falls, wailing, into the water below.

Riley: And my mom said that online crossbow course was a waste of money. Joke’s on her, she’s next.

SOUND: Cishmale surfaces, gasping for air.

Cishmale: [Artificially pitched-up] It takes more than two burst testicles to defeat Captain Cishmale! Facts and logic were just weighing me down, anyway!

Riley: Damn, should’ve brought more bolts. Though in my defense, real dick move of him to not die.

Evelyn: Where’s a Nuclear Super Gator when you need one?

Cishmale: Chip, pull me aboard, boy!

Chip: Aye aye, Captain!

Riley: Chip, wait! Remember what I told you.

Chip: No carbon emissions?

Riley: Evelyn, what did you say again?

Evelyn: Chip, you can do better than that guy!

Riley: There. What Evelyn said.

Chip: What did she say?

Riley: Crap, what was it?

Evelyn: Oh for fuck’s sake!

SOUND: Evelyn possesses Riley.

Riley - Possessed: Chip, this is Evelyn! You don’t have to listen to Cishmale, you can be your own man! It’s as easy as being yourself!

Chip: But myself is made of wood. Riley - Possessed: Some of the best men are made of wood!

Chip: Really? Riley - Possessed: When you’re middle-aged, you’ll understand!

Cishmale: I don’t know what you two are doing in front of me favorite cabin boy, but it looks stupid and gay! [Beat] Chip, help me! As a man, you’re the only one with the upper body strength necessary to do it!

Riley - Possessed: His arms are literally twigs! You can’t ask him to do this.

Cishmale: He’ll do it! If he wants to be a man, he’ll save his captain! And then both of us together will take down…

SOUND: Cishmale struggles under the water for a few seconds before resurfacing.

Cishmale: Moby Tit!

Riley - Possessed: Chip, can’t you see he’s just using your identity to live out his own messed-up idea of masculinity?

Chip: But I can’t come up with any non-messed up ideas on my own!

Riley - Possessed: It doesn’t matter. You want to be a real boy, right?

Chip: Of course!

Riley - Possessed: Then congrats, you’ve been a real boy all along.

Cishmale: Even my unlimited manly stamina has its limits, boy. Stop listening to all that nonsense and save your captain!

[BEAT.]

Cishmale: Boy?

Chip: Go soak your head, Captain.

Cishmale: What!?

SOUND: Evelyn un-possesses Riley.

Evelyn: Yay! You did it, Chip!

Riley: [Groggy] I did it…

SOUND: Cishmale begins to drown.

Cishmale: You’re choosing to honor your petty whims over the lives of others? You really are a man! I’m proud of you, Chip! I’m proud of--

SOUND: Cishmale’s final “you” trails off as he submerged.

Riley: Thanks for the assist, Chip.

Chip: No problem, Riley! Now if you’ll excuse me, this man’s got a date with… Moby Tit!

Evelyn: Oh no, he’s internalized Cishmale’s warped view of manliness!

Riley: I feel like that’s fairly self-evident.

Evelyn: Don’t make me hop back in there!

SOUND: Chip grabs the rope and starts climbing!

Chip: I’m gonna touch a boob! I’m gonna touch a boob!

Riley: Oh no, you're not!

SOUND: Riley wrestles Chip off the rope. They fall back into the boat; the boat rocks.

Chip: You can’t keep me from my destiny! I will destroy… Moby Tit.

Riley: What do we do now, Evelyn?

Evelyn: We’ll deal with Chip later, first, we need to get the Moby Tit to safety.

Riley: How!?

Evelyn: A job this big requires the gentle touch of a lesbian. Watch and learn--

SOUND: Evelyn makes noises that sound like whalesong. There's a Bloop from the Moby Tit.

Riley: You speak boob?

Evelyn: I speak for the boobs, for the boobs have no tongues.

Riley: What are you on right now?

Evelyn: Shh!

SOUND: Evelyn makes more strange whale noises, the Moby Tit bloops back, then drifts away.

Evelyn: Off it goes, to greener pastures.

Chip: No! What am I gonna do without my destiny?

Riley: You’ll find a better one, probably. One that doesn't smell like sea-salt and shame.

Chip: [Sighs] Well, I’ve always wanted to live to be middle-aged.

Evelyn: That’s a great goal, Chip. And harder than you'd think.

Riley: It’s a start. [Beat] Huh, looks like the storm’s passed over, but the flood will probably last a couple days. Reckon you can get us back to the basement, Captain?

Chip: Oh, but the Captain’s-- [Gasp] Aye aye, me!

SOUND: The motorboat’s engine fires back up.

Evelyn: Looks like we’ve freed Chip!

Riley: And it only took some boob discourse, three crossbow bolts, and-- Oh god, almost all the battery on the laptop! We better wrap it up.

Evelyn: And just remember, listeners, whether your boobs are big, small, or not there at all, we here at Less Is Morgue think you're pretty rad.

Chip: Has anyone seen my foot?

[THE END]

In an attempt to make Evelyn feel good, Riley arranges a trip to a local adult camp under the guise of investigating the Bermuda Triangle. However, things quickly take a turn for the strange and deadly.

+Transcript

Riley: [Whispering] Listeners, Evelyn isn't in the room right now, so I'm gonna keep this little secret between me and you - and if anyone tattles, I swear to god, I'll take your knees. Wait, shit, we record these like a week in advance. Fuck. Anyway, so I'm planning something nice for Evelyn - no, don't you look at me like that! I've thought this one through, it's not gonna be emotionally devastating. It's gonna be great.

SOUND: Spooky, ghostly apparition noises.

Evelyn: Wow, Jon’s getting really great at tic tac toe. He kicked my butt.

Riley: Well, I mean, he's got plenty of time to practice in there.

Evelyn: Oh no, have you started recording already?

Riley: Yeah, I was just about to do the--

SOUND: Riley is interrupted by the theme music.

Riley: Intro.

Evelyn: Nice! Let's do it!

Riley: This is Less Is Morgue, the only show on the internet where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Evelyn: If you're listening to this, either you're wearing headphones, or being inconsiderate to the people around you!

Riley: After a lifetime of swallowing their chewing gum, a Florida local finally shit out a ten pound gum-wad that'd accumulated in their stomach over the years. That local is me. Welcome to the show.

Evelyn: So, what were you up to before I came in?

Riley: I’ve been doing some research. How much do you know about the Bermuda Triangle?

Evelyn: I know that it’s in the ocean and it’s somewhat triangular.

Riley: Correct. It’s a hotbed of disappearances and very likely extraterrestrial activity. But what you probably didn’t know is- it’s expanding. Look at this.

SOUND: Riley unfolding a piece of paper.

Evelyn: Oh wow.

Riley: There’s been an unusual spike in disappearances in this general area, West of Miami, which has lead me to an upsetting conclusion: The Bermuda Triangle is migrating. My guess is that this sort of thing roughly happens every 400 years.

Evelyn: Where’d you come up with that number?

Riley: It just feels right.

Evelyn: Okay, we’ll just roll with that.

Riley: So - you know how you’re always talking about us getting out of the house more?

Evelyn: I do, and I know how every time I bring it up you hiss at me and crawl under the bed.

Riley: Not today! Because we’re going to the woods to investigate.

[Beat.]

Riley: And also there’s this adult summer camp that’s running over the weekend in the epicentre of the disappearances, and that seemed like some normie shit that you’d be super into.

Evelyn: [Excited] Really?

Riley: Yeah, I signed us up. Well, I signed myself up, you’re a ghost, it’s not likely they’ll ticket you. I figured that you might still be upset over the thing with Olivia.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I forgive you for that.

Riley: Shut up. I haven’t forgiven me, and that’s the point here. I wanted to do something both of us could potentially, maybe enjoy.

Evelyn: That’s so nice of you, Riley! How’d you get your parents to lend you the money?

Riley: Oh, it wasn’t hard. I went upstairs and I was like ‘Hey guys, I’ve got plans for the weekend, I need some money’ and my dad broke down crying with joy. Mom wasn’t as emotional but the aura coming off of her was like...way less disappointed than usual.

Evelyn: Well, that’s good to hear.

Riley: Yep, and dad’s gonna drive us - so pack your bags.

Evelyn: I have no other clothes.

Riley: --I’m gonna get my stuff together, and we’ll be off to Camp One Counselor.

SOUND: The Audio Cuts.

SOUND: Riley walking on gravel up to the camp gates.

Riley: Alright, we are walking up to the entrance of Camp One Counselor. There’s… only one counsellor.

[Beat.]

Riley: Huh. That explains the name, I guess.

Evelyn: Oh oh oh! I think that’s where you sign in!

Riley: They’re like, the only one here, so they better be.

SOUND: Footsteps as they approach Jordan.

Jordan: [Disgustingly peppy and cheerful] Hello, hello, happy, happy camper! I'm Jordan P, your new bestest budd-y! Turn that frown upside down and show me your pass!

Riley: Uh, yeah, here…

Jordan: and a BIG thank you. Clip clip!

SOUND: Jordan punches their ticket.

Jordan: If there’s anything I love, it’s…

SOUND: He strums his ukulele.

Jordan: [Sing-song] Validating people!

SOUND: Jordan slowly turns to Evelyn, a creaking sound is heard.

Jordan: So… Does your friend have a ticket, too?

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley both gulp.

Evelyn: You can… see me…?

Jordan: Oh, I see dead people all the time! Sometimes they’re not even the ones I made!

SOUND: Another strum.

Riley: …Oh. Evelyn: So! What’s up with the metal rim on that uke of yours?

Riley: [In the background, quietly] Are we just going to ignore that, or…?

Jordan: Oh, it helps me create… [sounding so pleased with himself, like he’s holding back a laugh] Hard hitting performances.

SOUND: He strums on ukulele again, in rapid succession.

Jordan: Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what activities we have at this fine establishment! Well… [sung to the tune of “Hello Mother, Hello Father”] We have rock climbing, we have rope climbing, mountain climbing, building climbing--

Evelyn: Uh, I can float, so are there any that don't involve climbing?

Jordan: Of course. Key change!

SOUND: Enthusiastic strum.

Jordan: [Building to a song] Weeeeee’ve goooooot--

Riley: TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. GO.

SOUND: Microphone shoved uncomfortably close to Jordan’s face.

Jordan: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, missy! Turn off that phone and tune IN [Really uncomfortable pause] to nature!

Evelyn: I like nature!

Riley: Oh for the love of-- Okay, fine. Whatever. [To Evelyn] Have you noticed there are like… no other people at this place?

SOUND: Footsteps as Jerry approaches.

Riley: Nevermind.

Jerry: Sup. Jordan, my dude. I uh… I need coffee, man. This hangover is really killing the vibe.

Jordan: You know what the biggest vibe killer of all is, Jerry? Coffee! Bitter, disgusting, sad, workaholic coffee! Coffee, my dear friend, is the devil’s drink! Do you want to imbibe in the devil’s drink?

Jerry: But you serve alcohol here…? Isn’t that--

Jordan: ALCOHOL IS FUN! IT HELPS YOU HAVE FUN HERE! DO YOU NOT WANT TO HAVE FUN?

Jerry: I’d have more fun if I just got a little pick me up.

SOUND: Jordan takes in a deep breath. Too deep to be comfortable.

Jordan: Alright, alright.. Here, I’ll take you to the coffee machine. Follow me...

SOUND: Footsteps away, followed by blunt force trauma. Ukulele strings breaking and blood splattering.

Evelyn: That doesn't sound good.

SOUND: Footsteps as Jordan returns.

Jordan: Jerry wasn’t feeling well and had to go home.

[Beat.]

SOUND: Jordan claps his hands together.

Jordan: So! Here’s your complimentary flower crowns and mimosas! Campfire is at seven! Don’t forget your smiles - cause when you smile, the world smiles back! Toodle-oo!

SOUND: Jordan walks away.

Riley: I bet this weekend is gonna end with him ritualistically posing our bodies.

Evelyn: Well, I don't have a body, so you'd lose that bet!

Riley: God, this shit is creepy.

Evelyn: Riley, I know you're doing this for me, and I really appreciate that, but I don't think this is your scene.

Riley: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Evelyn: I know you're just doing this because you feel bad about Olivia. But seriously, it's fine. I appreciate you caring about me. But you seem all anxious and twitchy and that never ends well.

Riley: Bermuda Triangle, Ev! That's why we’re here. All this camp shit is just a cover.

Evelyn: [Sighs] Then I guess we better make it convincing. Let's go check out the activities!

Riley: [Gulps] Okay, here we go…

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: X-Files-esque music plays.

Insurance Man: Hello, my name is Human Male, the Male Human, representing the Indrid Cold Insurance Firm. Let's move on. Have you ever been abducted by superior beings from other worlds? Have they taken you up into their flying saucers? Did they do butt stuff? Did they leave you dazed and confused? Maybe a little turned on after? You may be entitled to sizeable compensation with our new Abduction Insurance Plan.

SOUND: Sci-Fi sound effects.

Insurance Man: We offer a far greater incentive scheme than our leading Alien Abduction competitors - our policy ensures that you or your surviving next of kin are entitled to a ten million dollar payout, payable yearly in dollar instalments for the next ten million years. You will need to get one of the alien beings involved in the transaction to co-sign your legal papers, and you may also need this alien to, if called upon, appear in court to state that they did indeed abduct you, to prevent insurance fraud.

SOUND: Spacecraft whooshing through the air.

Insurance Man: Remember - it’s too late to get insurance after you've already been abducted. When you inevitably turn up mysteriously dead in no way connected to the CIA, it’s always good to leave something behind for whoever’s distant enough from you to avoid being silenced. Indrid Cold Insurance: It’s out of this world.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Audio cuts back in. There’s the crackle of a campfire. The ambient noises of wildlife. Riley is more tense than ever.

Riley: Hi. We’re… back. It’s seven in the evening and today has been... a lot…

Evelyn: Of fun! [pauses] Mostly. You did accidentally shoot another camper in the foot on the archery range. That really put things on pause for a bit, but Jordy got cleared it up pretty quickly!

Riley: Listen; The crossbow is superior to the acoustic bow. Weak fuckin’ twig, making me nock the arrows myself like some kind of mouth-breathing caveman.

SOUND: Riley breathes through their mouth.

Riley: I’m gonna burn this place down, Evelyn.

Evelyn: [sounding unimpressed] Please don’t burn this place down. Riley: Wait, shit, no, I’m supposed to be having fun! Fuck. Sorry, Evelyn, I’m ruining your trip. I’ll calm down now. I can do this.

Evelyn: Are you sure? Cause you’re pulling like, a lot of your hair out right now.

Riley: That’s just to, uh, make me more aerodynamic in a combat situation!

Evelyn: …In what context would we end up in a “combat situation”?

Riley: Oh, hmm, I don’t know…. Because Jordan is [imitating his happy-go-lucky tone in a stressed, mocking fashion] Absolutely out of his mind?

Evelyn: Oh, he’s not that bad… I think. Just super enthusias--

SOUND: Ukulele strums.

Jordan: Gather around, happy campers! Tonight we have two new camperinos joining us! Say hello to Riley and Evelyn!

Norm: Sup, ladies.

Stacy: Oh my GOD, hi! It’s so good to have another girl here, y’know what I mean?

Riley: I’m not--

Stacy: Girl power, am I right?

SOUND: Riley groans; begins rocking back and forth.

Evelyn: Is rocking back and forth a combat thing, too?

Riley: No, it’s a “don’t ask me about it” thing.

Evelyn: Gosh, it’s kinda spooky out here.

Riley: I’d say more “all-out sensory assault.”

SOUND: We hear Jason’s iconic “Chi-chi-chi, Ah-ah-ah” sound effect.

Evelyn: Oh no!

Riley: Great, machete time. One more thing to worry about.

Norm: Oh, it’s cool, that’s just my text alert.

Jordan: What did I tell you about phones, Norm?

Norm: That they’re of the devil?

Jordan: Exactly! Okie-dokey-artichokie! Now it’s time to wiiiiiind dooooown and relax. [Long pause as he breathes in and out] Riley! You’re not looking relaxed at all!

Riley: Well thanks, Jordan, pointing that out to everyone really helps.

SOUND: Jordan begins strumming his ukulele.

Jordan: How about we mellow out, and reflect on the day. What’s been everyone’s favourite activity? You first, Norm! Take it away!

Norm: The water balloon fights up on the roof of the cabins… at least until Derek fell off…

Stacy: Where is Derek, anyway?

Jordan: I called an ambulance, he’s in a better place. I mean, he’s in the best place, for what happened to him.

[Beat.]

Jordan: I didn’t kill him.

Norm: ...Anyway, I liked the water balloons best. Maybe we can do some more water-based activities? Like, I dunno, rowing? Or a wet t-shirt contest? Or skinny-dipping in the hot tub with some brewskies, and you know, what happens, happens, right?

Riley: Ew.

Evelyn: [Whispering] Even I don’t like this guy...

Stacy: Oh! Oh! Me next! I liked the part where I completely DESTROYED everyone in the volleyball tournament!

Norm: [Talking more to himself] Oh, I liked that one too…We’ve got so much in common, Stacy. Are you feeling this connection too?

Riley: I’m feeling something… [gags]

Evelyn: [Hushed whisper] Don’t be rude!

Jordan: How about you, Riley? We’ve gotta be--

SOUND: Strums.

Jordan: Inclusive!

Riley: You realize pretty much everyone here is whiter than clapping when the plane lands, right?

Jordan: Less critiquing systems, more talking about your favourite activity!

SOUND: Angry strum.

Evelyn: Just play along, Riles, it’s fine.

Riley: [dramatic sigh] I guess making macaroni art with Smirnoff instead of glue was novel…

Jordan: Great! We’ll eat those paintings at the end of the weekend.

Evelyn: But I can’t eat--

Norm: Actually, speaking of food…We haven’t eaten in like… two days…

Riley: Yeah - the giant, floating turkey leg has a point.

Jordan: That’s because food would soak up all the alcohol, silly-billy! People are just happier when they’re--

SOUND: Strum.

Jordan: [Sing-song] Shitfaced! That’s just science.

Riley: [Quiet] Okay, I’m not feeling so great. Everything is just… too much.

Evelyn: I feel so left out…

Jordan: Maybe you should have thought about that before dying!

Stacy: [Laughs] This is hi-larious! Who’s he talking to again…?

Jordan: Nobody! Just keep drinking!

SOUND: Liquor pouring.

Stacy: Alright, alright, jeez. You know, this camp was a lot more fun two days ago, when there were still twenty people I could beat at dodgeball.

Jordan: [Angry] Don’t be such a debby downer! Those other eighteen were party poopers - that’s why I...uh, gently encouraged them to leave. Until they died.

Riley: Still not doing so great. Actually, getting kinda worse…[Strained laugh]

Evelyn: Aw… Riley… Let’s just go home. I appreciate you doing this for me; I really do, but I’ve had my fun!

Riley: Yeah, maybe leaving would be a good idea... it’s--

Jordan: [Unhinged] NO ONE LEAVES!

SOUND: Everyone gasps in shock.

Jordan: I mean, why would you want to leave? Everything is perfect here! Sing-along, anyone?

SOUND: Forceful ukulele strumming and singing “Camptown Racers’, which promptly fades into the background.

Evelyn: [close to mic] I don’t want to make things worse for you, Riles, but I think you were right before about this guy being… [pauses as she struggles to find a nice way to put it] Looney tunes.

Riley: No fucking shit, Ev…

Norm: Hey, what’re you whispering about? Is it my amazing body? [pauses] Or Stacy’s amazing body?

Stacy: Norm, please close your mouth. It’s gross.

Riley: What? No--

Norm: If you wanna participate in some girl-on-girl action, who am I to get in the way of that--

Riley: For fuck’s sake-- I’m not a girl. Do you people not have any listening comprehension--

SOUND: Ukulele twangs, then stops.

Jordan: How about a scary story? Can’t have a campfire without a scary story!

Riley: My life is a scary story.

Stacy: My favourite is the one with the Christmas ornaments that come to life and try to kill everybody!

Norm: Or that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! [long pause, sounding distant and horrified] You know the one...

SOUND: Ukulele strum.

Jordan: SILENCE! How will you hear the story if you’re not even paying attention!?

SOUND: Long pause. Just the fire crackling in the background.

Jordan: Anyway… It happened a long, long, long, long-

Riley: Long?

Jordan: Time ago! Probably about twenty years, give or take. There was a pleasant young man called...Garry. Yeah, that’s it, Garry B. Garry B was 15 years old, and he was a happy happy camper, just like all of you.

Riley: [sarcastic] I’m already enthralled.

Jordan: … And he went to a camp, just like this one. But this camp was different!

Riley: Was it different or was it just like this one?

Jordan: YES! Anyway, this camp had lots of rules...the counselors were tyrannical. They didn’t allow drinking, staying out past ten, or climbing on the roof! They even made the campers wear hats to prevent sunburn!

Norm: [horrified] Those sick bastards!

Jordan: Garry B just wanted to have fun at camp! His one, harmless dream was to start a food fight! Just like in his favourite movie, Camp Rock! All he did was throw some mashed potatoes into the ceiling fan, but the counsellors wouldn’t have it.

Stacy: That’s not scary.

Jordan: I’M GETTING TO IT, STACY! SO HELP ME I WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS IN!

Stacy: Just try, little man.

SOUND: Jordan P begins to make a kind of angry internal screech through gritted teeth.

Evelyn: I’m really invested, Jordie! Keep going!

Jordan: They put me- I mean Garry- in the time-out shell. It was horrible. It smelled strongly of cheese and there were crabs all over the floor. Garry swore on that day that he’d return and get his sweet, sweet revenge. And so, next summer, he came back to the camp, and he drowned them all. The end!

SOUND: Ukulele strum.

Stacy: [clapping] Okay, that’s more like it!

Evelyn: It was… kind of dark, and the mass murder really came out of left field.

Riley: Okay, so this dude just admitted to killing a bunch of people. Is anyone else bothered by that?

Norm: Riley, that story was about Garry B, not Jordy P. They’re two different people. But I understand your confusion, it took me a moment too.

Riley: Garry B was a blatant self-insert! It’s the first sign of a hack writer!

Norm: Well maybe if Jordy told the story again, you’d be able to appreciate all the intricacies of—

Riley: Nope. I don’t have the spoons for this bullshit. I’m leaving.

Jordan: Come on, guys, no need to leave. We haven’t even brewed Jordy P’s Magical Togetherness Tea yet! The special ingredient is drugs.

Riley: I never would have guessed.

Stacy: You know what… I’m kinda… feeling like heading off myself. Can I catch a ride with you, weird gray girl?

Riley: [forceful] Not a fucking girl. Gender is a construct. Can I please have some space?

SOUND: Glasses clinking and dirt grinding as Norm rushes to his feet.

Norm: I go where Stacy goes!

Jordan: I…SAID…

SOUND: Woosh of fire and glass shattering as Jordan throws a bottle into the campfire.

Jordan: [Echoing shout] NO ONE LEAVES!!

Riley: Hi Jordan, I’m no one. Bye!

SOUND: Jordan screams, audio picks up many feet running.

Jordan: [Yelling, his voice getting softer] All I wanted was to give you all the magic of experiencing the perfect summer camp for adults! You could have recaptured your youth, except the sense of innocence is replaced with constant intoxication! But you’ve squandered the opportunity… and now you’re gonna pay for it.

Stacy: Quick, get in the bush!

Norm: So forward… I like that in a woman.

Riley: You fucking mistake of a human being, she means the shrub.

Evelyn: [gasps] I hear him coming!

SOUND: Rustling of bushes, then heavy, slow footsteps.

Jordan: Come to Jordy! Where is everyone? You can’t hide forever!

Riley: [Whispering, breathing heavily] If we stay quiet, we should be safe.

Evelyn: [whispering] I think it’s working, he’s passing us by!

SOUND: Long silence, then tinkling of liquid hitting dirt. This fades to background and persists throughout the scene.

Stacy: Eww, Norm are you…peeing?

Norm: I’m sorry, I’ve been drinking all night and it’s a stressful situation! Stacy, don’t look, I don’t want you to see me like this!

Riley: God, I’m gonna rip off your—

Jordan: [very close to recording device] Well hey there, fellas!

SOUND: Jordan gets PUNCHED. He falls to the floor and groans.

Stacy: There’s more where that came from, shitbag!

Evelyn: [impressed] Wow, Stacy is kind of a secret badass.

Riley: [extremely stressed] Great. Maybe next she’ll master getting my pronouns right.

SOUND: Tinkling ceases. Zipper noise.

Norm: Okay, I think that’s all of it, let’s go!

Riley: [through gritted teeth] I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this…!

SOUND: Several sets of footsteps running again.

Riley: Quick, to the canoe hut! If we can row out into the middle of the lake, we’ll be safe. Everyone knows ukuleles don’t work on open water.

Evelyn: That’s true! It’s a commonly known fact!

Stacy: Follow me, I was rowing captain back in highschool!

Evelyn: I could kind of follow her anywhere. Riley, coming to camp has worked, I think I’m moving on!

Riley: That’s great, Ev, we’ll celebrate after we’ve escaped with our lives!

Jordan: [massively distant] YOU CAN’T ESCAPE FUN!

[Breathless reads end here.]

SOUND: Running continues. Soon, a creaky, old wooden door opens, everyone enters, and the door slams shut. Norm banging on the door.

Norm: [muffled] Come on guys, let me in!

Stacy: You should’ve run faster, scrub!

Evelyn: Riley! Help him!

Riley: Maybe Jordy will tire out his murdering arm beating Norm to death?

Evelyn: [warning] Riley…

Riley: Okay, fine!

SOUND: Door opens and Norm rushes through.

Norm: Quick, he’s gaining on us!

Stacy: He’s just walking! How does he keep catching up!?

SOUND: Doors being pushed shut. Creaking then slamming.

Evelyn: [hesitant] Uhh… Riley…?

Riley: What is it-- Why are there no fucking canoes in here!?

Stacy: WHAT!? FUCK!

Norm: That explains why kayaking kept getting cancelled.

Evelyn: Jordy must have taken them so we couldn’t escape!

Riley: Or they’re all at the bottom of the lake with the counsellors he drowned.

Norm: Uh, that was just a story. Duh!

Riley: I swear, you meathead, I’m hungry, tired, and on edge. I WILL FUCKING DEVOUR YOU, SO DON’T TEST ME!

Norm: You mean, in like, a sexy way?

Riley: NOT IN A SEXY WAY!

Jordan: [muffled from other side of door] Come out, come out, my happy, happy campers… Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you, I’m only going to KILL YOU! [complete change in demeanour] Oh! My fitbit is saying I just hit 40,000 steps! Nice!

Stacy: [smug] Mine says 50,000.

Evelyn: Quick, there’s a side door over there!

Riley: Yo, humans, through here!

Norm: Oh sweet, a convenient exit.

SOUND: They barrel through a conveniently-placed door and continue running.

Jordan: [growing distant once more] [forced friendliness] I’m getting really tired of chasing after you crazy kids!

Riley: I know this is a tense moment and all, but I’ve got to go on record and say I’m impressed with the battery life of this phone!

Norm: [Breathless] Quick, to my cabin! It’s the closest! And it has the hot tub - so if anyone wants to get naked and maybe do some pre-death skinny dipping, whatever happens, happens, you know?

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden planks, then the sound of a door slamming.

SOUND: Heavy breathing of everyone in a confined space, trying to stay quiet

Riley: [extremely tense, still panting] This better be the last fucking hiding place, because I’m reaching my limit here.

Jordan: [Echoing from outside, calling] Comedy comes in threes, Riley!

Stacy: [Strained whispering] Oh em gee, we are SO gonna die!

Evelyn: [Huffs] Speak for yourself.

Riley: [In the background throughout] I hate this I hate this I hate this… I am not okay.

SOUND: A thump against glass.

Jordan: [Muffled, but close] FOUND YOU!

SOUND: Tinkling happens again.

Riley: Are you fucking kidding me!?

Norm: It’s a nervous tick! Don’t look at me!

Stacy: [sounding resigned] Fuck it. Take Norm! I saw him playing Cookie Clicker earlier!

Norm: Hey--

SOUND: Shuffling of feet, indicating a struggle, the door is opened.

Norm: But the hot tub!

Stacy: Don’t worry, Norm, whatever happens, happens.

SOUND: She pushes him. The door is slammed shut once more. Muffled blunt force trauma sounds. Strings breaking.

Jordan: [Muffled, from the outside] ISN’T THIS MORE WHOLESOME FUN THAN MOBILE APPS, NORM? ISN’T IT?

SOUND: The banging becomes a crunchy splatter.

Riley: I’m, super, super, supersupersupersuper, super over this now.

Stacy: Just shut up and hide! He can’t kill all of us!

Evelyn: [Sounding very worried] Uh… Riley? Why aren’t you hiding…? You’re looking really… twitchy.

Riley: [heavy breathing] I’m done! I’m done with all this shit! I-I can’t! I just-- I’m--

SOUND: Door smashes open.

Jordan: HEEEEERE’S JORDIE-- Oh god, wait!

SOUND: Sounds of struggle, feral animal noises, Jordan screaming, gurgling, a loud thump on wooden floor, blood splatter.

Stacy: Haha ew.

Evelyn: Yeah, I normally just look the other way.

SOUND: The gurgling and struggling stops. There’s a long stretch of silence.

Evelyn: [Clears throat] Feel better, Riley?

SOUND: Riley burps.

Riley: [Satisfied, contented sigh] Much.

Stacy: …Oh my god, wait, if you’re non-binary, does this make me the final girl?

Evelyn: Holy heck… she finally got it!

Riley: I mean, Ev’s already dead so…. Sure, I guess. Knock yourself out.

Stacy: I WON! I’m the final girl! SUCK IT, DAD!

SOUND: Stacy celebrating in the background.

Evelyn: [Sounding calm, happy] So. Wanna head home?

Riley: Yeah. That was actually pretty alright. I’ve had worse experiences in the woods. At least we know who was probably behind all the disappearances around here, even if it wasn't alien-related.

Evelyn: [Hums in agreement] Hey, aren’t you cheesed off you didn’t uncover anything about the Bermuda Triangle?

Riley: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Devastated. But the hunt marches on. [All in one breath] Anyway, I’m gonna call dad now.

Evelyn: Wait! Do you think they’ll need to change the name to “Camp No Counsellors” now that you ate Jordan P?

Riley: Who fucking cares? [Burps] Let's just go home.

SOUND: Phone falls to the ground. Footsteps as Riley and Evelyn walk away.

Stacy: I’m number one! I'm number one! I'm number one!

SOUND: A UFO hovers above.

Stacy: Oh my god, is that a UFO? That's so cool!

SOUND: Tractor-beam noise. Stacy is abducted - Her screams fade.

[A FEW SECONDS OF SILENCE.]

SOUND: Footsteps as Riley approaches.

Riley: Shit, dropped my phone. Lucky catch, I guess. Where’d Stacy go? Whatever. See you next week, everybody!

Evelyn: Stay safe, happy campers!

Riley: Ugh, I never wanna hear that phrase ever again.

SOUND: Riley turns off the recording.

[THE END]

In order to help Evelyn get over her recent romantic catastrophe, Riley summons the ghost of legendary New England horror author Edgar Allan Poe to the basement, though things go about as well as you'd imagine.

+Transcript

Riley: [Attempting to sound cheerful, comes out awkwardly forced] Okay! So, here we go! We’re recording! And that’s… great. Isn’t that great, Ev?

Evelyn: [Sounding despondent and monotone] Yeah. Great.

Riley: Right. Well, as you can all probably tell, Ev is feeling a little gray today.

Evelyn: [Obviously irritated] I’m dead, Riley. I’m always gray. Literally gray. Just like everything else in this soul-suckingly stupid excuse for an afterlife.

Riley: …You know what? I’m just gonna do the intro.

Evelyn: Yeah, you do –

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: That.

Riley: Hey, everybody! You're listening to Less Is Morgue - the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: [Still monotone] And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with Depression.

Riley: [Exasperated and a little guilty] Look, Ev, I said I was sorry, alright? I had no idea that she would… feel that way. [Awkward pause] You know, maybe if she was dead, she’d understand what you went through, and maybe you two would have a chance to patch things up. If you want, I could… you know?

Evelyn: You could what? Oh, God, Riley! PLEASE tell me you did not just offer to eat Olivia?

Riley: Well, it’s better than sitting around and moping all day! Excuse me for trying to take some initiative here!

Evelyn: Initiative? Oh, I’ll give you some initiative, I have your frickin’ initiative RIGHT HERE –

Riley: Okay. This has gone far enough. Ev, I can’t undo what I did, but I think I’ve found something that might make you feel better. Or, I guess, someone.

Evelyn: Is it our guest for the week?

Riley: It is, in fact, our guest for the week. Welcome, one and all, to this week’s episode of Less is Morgue! Today, I’m bringing someone on the show to help Ev deal with her emotions brought on by last week’s episode. Which was in no way my fault, of course.

Evelyn: Are you gonna eat this guy, too? Do we need to make more space in the bathroom?

Riley: I don’t eat everyone I bring into this basement! Besides, I wouldn’t eat this guy even if he was alive. He probably tastes like depression and cheap booze.

Evelyn: Ugh, please tell me you didn’t invite Fleetwood Mac onto our show.

Riley: Fleetwood Mac isn’t dead… yet. But since this guy is, there’s no way to get him here except via…

Evelyn: Oh no, don’t say it.

Riley: Ouija Board!

SOUND: We hear Riley pulling out the board game.

Evelyn: Why does it have blood on it? Have you used this before? What the – is that a fingernail?

Riley: It’s not mine, I swear! I bought this thing on Craigslist.

Evelyn: Riley, you can’t just buy a Ouija Board on Craigslist. Aren't they mysterious, magical items?

Riley: No, Ev, they're shitty, mass-produced Hasbro toys. And this one was free!

Evelyn: Uh, yeah, because it’s clearly been used in some weird murder ritual! Please tell me you didn’t meet with the seller alone.

Riley: Well…

Evelyn: Oh my God, you did. Geez, Riley, what if they’d been a murderer! Or, or… some kind of pervert?!

Riley: You’ve just been brainwashed by all those stupid, eighties, stranger danger PSAs they probably forced you to watch in school. Look, I went out of my way to interact with people to get this stupid Ouija board so I can make you feel better about your dumb ex-girlfriend, so can we just get on with it?

Evelyn: Fine. But if you summon another demon, I’m not helping you. Riley: This guy isn’t a demon! Or…well…okay, let’s just say there’s no verifiable proof that he’s a demon. Alright? Evelyn: Oh, for… let’s just get this over with.

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn setting up the board game.

Evelyn: So, how do we do this, anyway?

Riley: I don’t know, this thing didn’t exactly come with instructions.

Evelyn: Why can't I just ask him, like I did with Blackbeard?

Riley: Because that’d totally ruin the surprise. Let’s just put our hands on the planchette and ask if this guy’s here. Evelyn: Well, seeing as I don’t know who this guy is…

Riley: Then I’ll do the talking. A moment of silence, please.

[BEAT]

Riley: Oh, spirits. Are you there? Can you hear me? If you can, move the planchette to ‘Yes.’

Evelyn: …nothing’s happening. Where's Erik D’Corah when you need him?

Riley: Give it a minute. Hello? Is anyone out there? Like maybe the supernatural FBI? Do you guys listen in on Ouija board conversations? Do you record them?

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, Riley, there is no such thing as a supernatural FBI!

Riley: How would you know? I mean, death has its own bureaucratic system, it even has a post office - why wouldn’t it have an FBI?

Evelyn: Wait, we have a post office?

Riley: Don’t you? Isn’t that how we’ve been getting all those boxes of dried blood delivered?

Evelyn: What are you—OMG! Look! The planchette is moving!!

Riley: It says yes! Okay, Great Spirits who are totally definitely not government affiliated in any way, shape, or form-

Evelyn: RILEY.

Riley: Right, okay. We’d like to speak to… Edgar Allan Poe!

Evelyn: I’m sorry, we’d like to speak to WHO?

SOUND: Flames.

Evelyn: IT’S ON FIRE. THE BOARD IS ON FIRE.

Riley: I’m reasonably certain it’s not meant to do that. Quick, get some water, put it out!

Evelyn: Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll just go ahead and do that with my non-corporeal body, I see no problem with that brilliant plan!

Riley: You know, maybe this would go better if you would take the non-corporeal stick out of your non-corporeal butt for two minutes you little—

SOUND: A loud boom is heard.

Poe: No, no, no. This is wrong. This is absolutely wrong.

Riley: Uh… Hi? Is it… are you Mr. Poe?

Poe: No, I’m Rufus Griswold. Of course, I’m Poe! You literally just called me. And you’ve done it all wrong!

Evelyn: Aha! I knew we should’ve Googled this! How are we supposed to do it, anyway?

Poe: Well, for starters, the setting is off. If I’m going to grace you with my presence, I expect a table draped in a black velvet cloth, some blood red candles, and at least a little ominous chanting. And your clothes! What on earth are you two wearing?

Riley: Hey, man, I didn’t have time to do laundry today.

Poe: You could have at least put on something black.

Riley: Black isn’t my color, it washes me out.

Poe: Well at least something would be getting washed. And you! What on earth is a Nickelback and why is its name printed on your shirt?

Evelyn: Oh, dude, you are missing out on the best band of all time! Hold on, I bet I can find some CDs…

Riley: No, no, absolutely not! We’re getting off-track here! I didn’t call up Edgar Allan Poe—

Poe: Ugh, please, just call me Edgar. Or Edgar Poe. Allan was my father’s name.

Riley: FINE. I didn’t call EDGAR POE here to give us wardrobe advice! He is here because you are miserably heartbroken and he is going to fix it!

---

Poe: I am?

Riley: YES. You wrote some of the most depressing romantic tragedies of all time.

Poe: Oh, come on, they weren’t that depressing.

Evelyn: Well, actually…

Poe: I can’t help it if other people can’t appreciate the negative emotions that come with being alive!

Evelyn: Or dead. Not sure if you noticed, but I’m kind of dead here and I still have emotions.

Riley: Which is exactly the problem! Hey, is there some way to get rid of those for dead people? Maybe Evelyn’s death was defective, can you fix it?

Evelyn: You know what, Riley, we really need to talk about your social skills.

Riley: Again? I’m trying to heal your heartbreak here!

Evelyn: Well… I don’t know if I’d say I’m heartbroken, but…

Riley: You cried in the bathroom for three hours yesterday. Even Jon felt bad for you, and Jon pretty much hates both of us.

Evelyn: I don’t know, I think he’s starting to come around. Pizza Ghost Jon: [From inside the bathroom] No, no I’m not.

Evelyn: Rats.

Poe: My dear, this is just splendid! Heartbreak is the great equalizer.

Riley: I thought that was death.

Poe: You say that as though there is any difference. You see, each and every one of us will experience heartbreak in our lives. And in our deaths. And though it be painful, it is also beautiful, in a way. The grief that comes from loving someone is a tribute, not to them, but to you and your own heart. To the love that you give away and the love that is taken from you. Now, tell me. Your heartbreak. Is it because death has separated you and your true love?

Evelyn: Well… that’s… sort of what happened, I guess, but… Poe: Excellent! This truly is a blessing to you. Why, the sheer force of your feelings can move you to do great things! You can wander the halls of your ancestral home, weeping and wailing until the very animals begin to die around you, tortured to death by your screams that only they can hear.

Evelyn: I don’t exactly have an ancestral home. I grew up in a two-bedroom house in St Marks.

Poe: Oh. Well, no matter, then. You can weep and wail outside the home of your beloved! She will go mad in her grief and eventually, in her insanity, come join you in the afterlife. Which may be a bit of an awkward conversation, sure, but you might get a few good poems out of the deal. Perhaps even a publishing deal! It’s a trade-off.

Evelyn: That’s sort of the problem, Mr. Poe. My beloved… she… doesn’t love me anymore.

Poe: What on earth do you mean?

Evelyn: Well, it’s been sixteen years since that fateful Nickelback concert. And she’s… she’s moved on.

Poe: Moved on? I don’t understand the concept.

Evelyn: She’s dating someone else.

Poe: But… she’s in love with you. She is your beloved and you are hers. If she loves you, how can she be with someone else? Why, it’s almost as if she doesn’t love you. Maybe never loved you, even.

Evelyn: Ouch.

Riley: Wow, I guess I’m not the only one who needs a little help with social cues.

Evelyn: Look, she did love me—

Poe: I don’t get it, are you trying to say—

Riley: Really, this is not a hard concept—

SOUND: They talk over each other and argue about the permanence (or lack thereof) of love before being interrupted.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Doorbell.

Todd: It’s hard to be a member of the dead in a world dominated by the living. Products and services designed for the living sometimes just don’t cut it. Being able to access the outside world – even when you’re trapped in your grave or supernaturally forbidden from leaving your home – is a necessity for the modern monster.

That’s why I’ve started my newest company, Door-to-Door Death-liveries. If you can think of it, we can deliver it! From severed heads to homemade coffins, still-beating hearts to demonic black cats, we cater to all your haunting, wailing, and sulking needs. Not convinced? Just listen to these glowing customer testimonials!

Customer One: What the hell is this? I didn’t order a truckload of leeches. What the hell am I supposed to do with these? I don’t even have blood to feed them with!

Customer Two: I, uh… I guess I didn’t really need a start-your-own apothecary kit, but I guess it might be kind of cool to make my own arsenic capsules. So… thanks?

Customer Three: [Indistinct screaming and begging.]

Todd: Sign up for Door-to-Door Death-liveries today using the coupon code Less Is Morgue and receive your first five deliveries free! If you’re not satisfied, we’ll even refund your money and let you keep your product!

Customer Three: Please, dear God, take it back, you can have my money, just get this thing off of me, oh God, it’s got my eyes…

Todd: Ah, the sweet sounds of materialistic satisfaction. Don’t get stuck in the Dark Ages of DIY hauntings – order your haunting supplies today!

SOUND: More indistinct screaming, creepy laughter.

[END WEIRD AD TIME]

Poe: Okay. Alright. So, let’s just go over this one more time.

Riley: Oh, for the love of To—

Poe: You’re telling me that after a mere sixteen years apart, your girlfriend has fallen in love with somebody else? Evelyn: You know, every time you say that out loud, a little part of me dies.

Riley: Well, technically—

Evelyn: Don’t make me hit you.

Poe: And after your death, she never once slept by your grave?

Evelyn: Not that I’m aware of.

Poe: She didn’t go mad with grief?

Evelyn: Looked pretty sane to me.

Poe: She didn’t wall a cat inside your grave?

Riley: Jesus, dude, what is your problem?

Evelyn: NO, SHE DID NOT. She mourned me and she moved on. Can we take a page from her book and move on from this topic now? Please?

Poe: Evelyn… may I call you that?

Evelyn: I guess?

Poe: Evelyn, you are selling yourself far too short.

Evelyn: I… am?

Poe: Look at you. You’re a young, attractive ghost with a depth of feeling that nobody but us artists can truly appreciate. Yet you sit here and waste your beautiful grief on someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. You’re better than that. You deserve somebody who would swallow laudanum just to be with you in the afterlife! The point is that life – and death – are too precious to spend pining over someone who wouldn’t go to the ends of insanity to be with you.

Evelyn: Wow. That’s… actually really beautiful. In a sick, twisted kind of way.

Poe: Everything worthwhile in life is a little sick and twisted.

Riley: Seems like sort of a bad precedent to set, but you’ve got a point. She really isn’t good enough for you if she can just get over you just because you’re dead.

Evelyn: Wow, this is… a lot to take in. It’s just… I’ve spent so long being heartsick over her. For the past sixteen years, I’ve thought of her every day. I’ve wished to see her, thought of all the ways I’d like to apologize and make it up to her. I always thought I’d wait until her death and then we’d be together again. But all those tears, all that time… it was for nothing. She moved on and I didn’t and now I’m stuck.

[A moment of silence.]

Evelyn: I just wish I knew what to do now.

Riley: Look, Ev. I don’t really know much about this kind of stuff. You know I’m not good with people. Or creatures. Or most inanimate objects. And this is all sort of my fault so maybe I shouldn’t be saying anything, anyway. But… well, I don’t think you have to decide that today.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: You don’t have to decide what comes next just yet. Nobody really knows what to do and moving on is tough. It takes time and it hurts. If you don’t know what to do, well, that’s okay. You don’t have to know today.

Evelyn: Wow, Riley. That means a lot to me. Thank you. [Tears up]

Riley: [Groans] Don’t cry, I hate crying, I never know how to deal with crying.

Evelyn: [Wailing exaggeratedly] I knew you cared about me! All along you’ve pretended to hate me but you secretly totally love me!

Riley: Ugh, you are SO GROSS, I should’ve just let you mope!

Evelyn: [Sniffling] You know, you’re wrong about one thing. This wasn’t your fault. In fact, I think what you did was a good thing. Now, I know that she’s moved on and doesn’t want to see me again. And because I know that, I can move on, too. I just… don’t know how long it will take. Hey, Edgar, how did you move on when your wife died?

Poe: I didn’t, obviously. She was my one and only. I wallowed in grief and alcohol until my untimely and mysterious death, a fitting tribute to my life and her death.

Evelyn: Oh. Right.

Poe: I also worked through my grief with writing. Being able to express my feelings through poetry and short stories was very important for my mental health.

Riley: Hey, uh, no offense, but I really don’t think you’re the poster child of mental health.

Poe: What? How dare you!

Riley: Hey, I said no offense!

Poe: That doesn’t actually make your statement any less offensive.

Riley: Well, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend you were a sane and healthy person! You literally tried to kill yourself, like, a million times.

Poe: That is a gross exaggeration.

Riley: You’re a gross exaggeration!

Poe: Oh, quite clever, aren’t you? Did you get your insults from schoolchildren?

Riley: I’ll have you know that I don’t go anywhere near kids! I may eat people, but even I have morals!...Sort of!

Evelyn: Wait, sort of?

Riley: I mean…okay, you know what? Nobody’s perfect, so don’t get all judgmental on me!

Evelyn: Riley, if you tell me you ate a kid, I am going to get very much extremely judgmental and we are going to have a long talk—

Riley: It wasn’t like it was a whole kid! Maybe, just, sort of, part of a kid?

Evelyn: RILEY!

Riley: Come on, it’s not like he needed both his arms!

Poe: Good God!

Riley: Can it, Mopey McMope-face. I’m really starting to regret inviting you here.

Evelyn: Oh, come on, Riley, he’s been helpful! Mostly.

Poe: What do you mean, mostly? I’ve yet to give you questionable advice. Might I remind you two that you brought me here.

Evelyn: You’re right, you’re right. We’ll lay off. Won’t we, Riley?

Riley: [Grumbling.]

Evelyn: RILEY.

Riley: Okay, fine, yes, we’ll lay off.

Poe: Good. Now, I may have just the solution for you, my dear, if only you’ll hear me out.

Evelyn: Really?! Okay, I’m listening!

Poe: You feel your life is now directionless without your lost love, that you’ve no purpose, and no way to move forward.

Evelyn: Yes…

Poe: What if I told you there was a way to find meaning in life once again? A way to become the person – or, well, the ghost – that you’ve always wanted to be?

Evelyn: I’m listening…

Poe: It’s very simple. You see, in my afterlife, I’ve created a lovely organization that gives hope and help to people just like you.

Evelyn: Just like me?!

Riley: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Poe: It’s called Black Cat Beauty! It’s very simple, here’s how it works. For just a one-time payment of $100, I will give you all the tools necessary to sell my wife’s lovely, one-of-a-kind ghostly jewelry.

Riley: Why is this starting to feel like a terrible ad?

Poe: You’ll become your own self-made entrepreneur! You can set your own hours and find your own clients. Best of all, you can recruit other people to the company!

Riley: Wait a minute…

Poe: For every ten people who become part of your downline, you can—

Riley: HOLD ON A MINUTE.

Poe: What?

Evelyn: What?

Riley: This is a multi-level marketing scheme! Are you kidding me right now?!

Evelyn: A what?

Riley: He’s trying to get you to shill his products for him, ultimately making him a lot of money, while you end up with nothing, or less!

Evelyn: What are you talking about? If I’m selling it, how would I lose money?

Riley: Oh my God, Ev, you are so naïve. It basically works like a pyramid scheme – most of the money goes right to the top, and in the end, you’ll be left with nothing.

Poe: That’s absurd! Listen, if you sell enough jewelry, you could become rich, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Really?!

Riley: No! Of course not!

Evelyn: How would you know?

Riley: How many people are a part of your little “business,” Edgar?

Poe: Well… alright, it’s a new venture. Okay? It’s only Lenore and I right now. But we’re going to get big, really big! Just you wait!

Riley: And are you and your wife rich?

Poe: Oh, so money is all you two care about, isn’t it?

Riley: Why would she care about money?! SHE’S DEAD.

Evelyn: Oh… yeah, that’s right. What would I even do with the money?

Poe: Well, you can… you know… you could buy… you know what? I don’t have time for this. If you don’t want to sign up, that’s fine, you can go ahead and waste your afterlife in a meaningless sludge of the constant passage of time. But one day you’re going to hear about Black Cat Beauty and you’re going to regret passing us up!

SOUND: Poe disappears in a puff of smoke.

Evelyn: Well, that went well.

Riley: I’m telling you, it’s a scam.

Evelyn: You think everything’s a scam.

Riley: That’s because most things are!

Evelyn: Seems like a weird thing for Edgar Allan Poe to sell, though. Jewelry? Really?

Riley: Well, did you see the guy? He seems pretty dramatic. It was probably all super gaudy and ridiculous.

Evelyn: I feel kind of bad for him, though. Maybe I should’ve bought something.

Riley: You can’t be serious!

Evelyn: Just to make him feel better! I mean, he came all this way and talked me through my breakup. I could’ve at least gotten a necklace or something.

Riley: You don’t wear necklaces.

Evelyn: I could!

Riley: I’ve literally never seen you wear one.

Evelyn: Okay, fine, maybe I don’t. But I could’ve got one for you to wear!

Riley: I don't do accessories, unless that time an ant colony developed in my ponytail counts.

Evelyn: Oh… yeah… I remember that. On second thought, I think I like you without the accessories.

Riley: That’s what I thought.

[A pause.]

Riley: Hey, Ev?

Evelyn: Yeah?

Riley: I really am sorry for what happened.

Evelyn: It’s okay, I forgive you. It was probably for the best.

Riley: That doesn’t mean it feels good.

Evelyn: No… it doesn’t. I’m sorry that I’ll probably be moping around for a little while longer.

Riley: That’s okay. I think I can handle that.

Evelyn: Oh, well. It just means you’ll have to be the peppy one on the show

Riley: Ugh. Hard pass.

Evelyn: C’mon! I can teach you how to make super cool pop culture references!

Riley: None of your references are cool!

Evelyn: How dare you! You’ve impugned my honor!

Riley: The only thing I’ve impugned is your delusions!

Evelyn: Don’t tell me how to live my death!

[THE END]

After Evelyn starts to get the lovesick blues, Riley tracks down Evelyn’s old girlfriend from before she died, and brings her onto the show.

+Transcript

Evelyn: And you're sure we won't be having anymore close encounters of the Todd kind this episode?

Riley: Nope, I can literally never guarantee that, but we managed to at least patch up the wall, so how about we all just live in hope?

Evelyn: It sucks how he can just make himself appear anywhere.

Riley: Yup. The unskippable ad.

Evelyn: Do you think he ever gets bored of bothering people all the time?

Riley: Evelyn, if Todd were capable of boredom, life as himself would be unliveable. It'd be like being a peanut with a deadly nut allergy.

Evelyn: It always makes me feel weird when you say “nut.”

Riley: Then how about we keep our nuts to ourselves and move on?

Evelyn: Good idea! Man, we’re really off to a great start! Let’s do the-

[Intro]

Evelyn: Intro! [Beat] Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, statistically, you're either driving, jogging, or on the toilet! Hopefully not any combination of the three!

Riley: Although we have the technology, we have yet to create a ransom note composed only of Kidz Bop lyrics. I'm just saying, kidnappers, that's gotta be worth at least a few extra bucks. Hi everyone, I’m Riley, your best whatever the fuck.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn: Your Ghost Host with the Most! Do you wanna tell the listeners what the topic is today, Riles?

Riley: Uhm, yes, but instead of me, it should be you.

Evelyn: Today, we’re going retro - that’s right, Evelyn’s territory - to rate every single Digimon in order of both colourfulness and huggability.

Riley: [In emotional pain] Yep, indeed we are. But first, Evelyn, I need to discuss something serious with you.

Evelyn: Oh no! Are you more of a Pokemon fan!?

---

Riley: No, I think they're all stupid. Uh, I mean, no. I was more, uh, into collecting those Yogi Bear cards or whatever the fuck they were called - you know, the vaguely Egyptian ones? POINT IS! This is about Jon, and I don't think we can afford to ignore it any longer.

Evelyn: What? Did he get a haircut!? I’d feel terrible if I forgot to compliment him on it.

Riley: Worse, I think he’s in a bad place.

Evelyn: I mean, it is your bathroom. A rat got in there once and it was just eaten by a bigger rat, which you then ate.

Riley: No, not like that, I mean emotionally. He’s been even more depressed recently, especially since Brains Vincent released that diss track about me that calls him boring. I mean, between you and me, I’m pretty sure I saw him fashioning a ghost noose earlier.

Evelyn: Not a ghost noose! Wait, how do you make a ghost noose?

Riley: Doesn’t matter! He needs your help, Ev.

Evelyn: Right, we’ll pause the podcast, this is a more pressing matter. You coming, Riley?

Riley: Nah, I better not. The whole “eating him alive and damning his soul to my shitter” thing kinda put a damper on our rapport. This is an Evelyn job.

Evelyn: That’s fair. Okay, I'll be right back!

SOUND: Evelyn phases through the wall.

Riley: [Stage Whisper] Alright everyone, Jon isn’t actually depressed - well he is, but no more than usual, I just needed an excuse to get Evelyn out of the room for a bit. Remember a few episodes back, when your Ghost host with the Most said I'd probably end up in hell, cause apparently I'm “selfish” and “needlessly homicidal”? Well, she was fucking wrong, and I'm gonna prove it. How?

SOUND: Riley moves closer to the mic

Riley: [smug] Let’s just say your best ghoulfriend got in contact with Evelyn’s old girlfriend from years back - you know, the one who saw her get splattered all over Chad Kroeger in 2004 - yeah, she’s coming on the show.

And you know what? It's gonna be a big, heartwarming reunion, and Evelyn is gonna be so happy she'll have to eat her stupid-ass words. Just gotta keep her distracted until Olivia shows up. Get the tissues ready, folks, this one’s gonna be more heartwarming and inspirational than every Oscar-Bait cinematic turd combined.

This episode will probably be a little shorter than usual, but that doesn't matter, cause it's gonna be so emotionally uplifting that you'll probably wanna listen to it ten times in a row anyway.

SOUND: Evelyn phases out of the bathroom

Riley: Oh hey Ev, how’d it go?

Evelyn: [Irritated] Riley, he’s not suicidal, he’s just ticked off and sexually frustrated.

Riley: Aren’t we all?

Evelyn: You had me really worried about him! Why would you lie like that?

Riley: Well, we could make a whole-ass episode about my fuck-ups, or we could talk about…. Hugging digicorn.

Evelyn: It’s Digimon, Riley, short for Digital Monsters. Haven't you heard the rap?

Riley: I genuinely think I'd rather die. Anyway, which one is the most huggable?

Evelyn: [Angry] It’s Terriermon, but that’s not the point!

Riley: Fine fine, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you soon.

Evelyn: It’s always soon with you, Riley, when are you gonna take responsibility for your actions?

Riley: When I’m dead, preferably.

Evelyn: Ugh, you’ll never change.

Riley: [Smugly] I don’t know, I’m surprising sometimes.

Evelyn: What's that supposed to mean?

Riley: [Even smugger] I don't know, but maybe all will be revealed in time

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: All I'm saying is, Evelyn, I have some hidden depths. What you see isn't always what you get when it comes to the Riley Almanzor experience. I contain multitudes.

Evelyn: Of small animals.

Riley: No! I mean, yes, but that's not what I'm referring to. I'm a complex individual, is what I'm saying.

Evelyn: Well, in that case, let's take a look at what kind of individual you are - with this online personality Quiz I found.

Riley: What kind of online quiz? It's not one of those bullshit Myers-Briggs tests, is it?

Evelyn: No, no, no, it's much more scientific than that. This is the “Which Digimon Are You?” Quiz from Buzzfeed.

Riley: Great. Wonderful. We’re back to this. Also [Riley leans into the mic] Which one of you narcs told Evelyn about Buzzfeed?

Evelyn: We’ll post the link to the quiz on twitter so people can see what their results are. But first, Riley, it's your turn.

Riley: My excitement knows no bounds.

Evelyn: Okay so, first question: Pick a Pokémon - the options are Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, Eevee, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Mewtwo, Mew, and Magikarp.

Riley: First of all, that's too many options. Leave it at six, folks. Secondly, let me have a look at the pictures.

Evelyn: Make sure you choose wisely.

Riley: So, what do we have here? Bird, bird, burning bird, Chernobyl frog, Chernobyl lizard, happy tortoise, big-eyed snack thing, Marshmallow, the over-marketed one, the thicc one, the thicc one’s dork nephew, and nam flashback fish. They all look pretty stupid, but I'm gonna go for the thicc one.

Evelyn: Mewtwo! Okay, next question: What color are your eyes? Blue, brown, green, or gray?

Riley: This quiz is blatantly ghoulist.

Evelyn: I’m just gonna pick gray, considering that's what the rest of you is.

Riley: [Sighs] Fine.

Evelyn: Next question: Pick a show. The options are Bojack Horseman, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks and Recreation, Rick and Morty, The Good Place, and The Office.

Riley: I mean these are all too mainstream for me, but I feel like I've got an extremely high IQ so let's go Rick and Morty.

Evelyn: What letter does your name start with? So that'll be R. Now choose an emoji: Options are upside down smiley face, poop, middle finger, the “okay” sign, scared face, and quizzical face.

Riley: Middle finger.

Evelyn: What color are your socks? You don't wear socks, so we’ll just say “none.”

Riley: This quiz is fucking stupid.

Evelyn: The next question is “Did you get drunk last weekend?” I'm gonna put “Nope” cause I know for a fact you spent last weekend trying to appeal your Reddit shadowban.

Riley: That sham of a website trying to silence the truth about JFK isn't something I can take lying down.

Evelyn: Now, pick a dog from this selection of very good boys.

Riley: I'd eat literally any of these dogs.

Evelyn: I'm not fully comfortable with you framing the question like that, Riley, but if you had to choose just one?

Riley: Uhhh, you're putting me on the spot here. Maybe the one with the party hat? He's got the most meat on him.

Evelyn: Hmm. Don't like that. Anyway, final question! Which season were you born in?

Riley: Summer.

Evelyn: Aaaand done! You got Garudamon.

Riley: Holy shit, that's one buff chicken.

Evelyn: The description is “There's nothing more important to you than fairness and order, and people really admire you for that.”

Riley: I hate how dead-on that is. Except for people admiring me.

Evelyn: Hey, I admire you!

Riley: Yeah, and you're gonna admire me even more real soon.

Evelyn: Gosh, what is with you today? You keep making these weird, vague statements.

Riley: I don't know what you're talking about, Ev. But someone might…

Evelyn: See! You just did it again! You're up to something, Almanzor, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!

Riley: Hey Evelyn, tell me about your favorite episode of Middle Aged Tree Men.

Evelyn: I’ve been preparing my entire afterlife for this. So in season 6, episode 13, Redwood and Silverbirch are just about to confront the evil Ted Burner whose irresponsible brush fires have been endangering the Autumn Olive kids!

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Upbeat steel drum music playing in the background.

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SOUND: Big daddy noise.

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Fish Lady: Join PlentyOfFishPeople.com today and at long last, you can find your Nemo.

Erik: [Drowned screaming slowly dies down]

SOUND: Upbeat steel drums continue, then fade.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: -And then, in 1989, the infamous Mary Iguana had just killed Ronnie Raygun, changing the course of the forest forever!

Riley: [Uh huh-ing numerous times] [Obviously in mental agony] Really, and when did Morby come into this?

Evelyn: Morby wasn’t in the original show, Riley, he was a universe consuming cosmic horror.

Riley: Oh yeah. I miss Morby.

SOUND: Doorbell chimes.

Evelyn: Oh dang, now we’re gonna have to edit this part out, and it was such a good story!

Riley: Firstly, when have we ever edited anything out of this damn podcast, and secondly [smugly] I don’t think we’ll need to do that at all.

Evelyn: Riley! Did you order food again!?

Riley: Nope, even better. [Beat] Sorry, Bubba.

SOUND: Riley walking upstairs.

Riley: [Mock curious; cocky] Now who could that be?

SOUND: Riley opens up the door.

Olivia: Uh, hi. I’m here for the job interview? Am I in the right place? This doesn't look like a Goldman Sachs branch...

Evelyn: [Completely taken aback] Oh my fuck.

Riley: Yeah, I get that all the time, we’ve been outsourcing to basements a lot more since 2008. Right this way.

Evelyn: oh my god oh my god ohmygod.

Olivia: I brought a copy of my resume for you to look over.

SOUND: Riley takes the paper

Riley: Oh wow, this is very informative. Excellent credentials.

Olivia: You’re holding it upside down.

Riley: Oh am I? Very good, you passed the first test.

Olivia: I...

Evelyn: Riley that’s... Oh my god it’s really her... How did you..?

Riley: So Olivia, I’m gonna need to ask you a few questions about your past relationship history

Olivia: You mean work history?

Riley: ...No.

Evelyn: Riley!? Stop ignoring me - how did you make this happen?

Riley: But first, Olivia, I think you should go to the bathroom.

Olivia: ...Why?

Riley: I mean, this is a really important interview, you don’t wanna risk any ...accidents.

[BEAT]

Olivia: ...Okay.

Riley: Don’t forget to wash your hands.

SOUND: Olivia gets up and goes to the bathroom.

Riley: Alright, so what did you want to talk ab-

Evelyn: RILEY, WHY IS SHE HERE, HOW IS SHE HERE, HOW DID YOU-

Riley: Ev, Relax! Just don’t think about it.

Evelyn: IT’S A LITTLE HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT.

Riley: Look, I set this little reunion up because I wanted to do something nice for you. And to lower my apparent chances of going to hell, but it was mostly for you!

Evelyn: Riley, I haven’t seen her in 16 years, what am I gonna say?

Riley: That’s the genius of the “interview,” whatever you wanna say, I’ll say it in the form of a question.

Evelyn: [Choking up] Riley this is so… Thank you. You’re an amazing friend.

Riley: [Smugly] Oh, just you wait.

SOUND: Olivia comes out of the bathroom and sits down.

Olivia: So, on with the interview?

Riley: Well, for my first question...

Evelyn: It's been so long, how have you been?

Riley: How are you?

Olivia: I’m uh, fine.

Evelyn: [Becoming overwhelmed with happiness] I’ve missed you so much… You look so different!

Riley: You, uh, look very experienced.

Olivia: I like to consider myself as such, yes.

Evelyn: I’ve thought about you everyday, for the past 16 years, I just.. I can’t believe you’re here!

Riley: I uh, think you’d be very good for this position.

Olivia: [Incredulously] I’m still not completely sure what “this position” is.

Evelyn: I… I think I still love you.

Riley: Alright, I’ve got nothing for that one.

Olivia: Excuse me?

Evelyn: I mean, that’s not to say I ever stopped, but… Gosh this is just so much, we have so much to talk about! So much to relearn about each other!

Riley: You’re uh… You seem to be… uh.

Olivia: Look, I don’t think this is going to work out.

Riley: What, why?

Olivia: Well, for one, most Goldman-Sachs managers don’t have their mom answer the door.

Riley: How do you know? You’ve never worked for us before, we’re a family business!

Olivia: You said your name was Almanzor!

Riley: Goldman-Sachs is my...street name?

Olivia: Look, I think I’m just gonna leave.

SOUND: Olivia stands up.

Evelyn: Wait, no!

Riley: [Panicked] Woah, just wait a second, there’s no need to-

Olivia: To what? Leave? Or do you suggest I sit back down so you can keep making vague statements and waste more of my time?

Riley: That’s not what I was doi-

Olivia: Oh I can assure you it was. I don’t know if this was some sick prank or something, but whatever it was, I don’t want any part of it. I’m leaving.

Evelyn: No! I can’t lose her again!

Riley: Olivia, I really think you shou-

Evelyn: I’m sorry, Riley!

Riley: Wait, what!?

SOUND: Weird ghost noises as Evelyn possesses Riley’s body.

Olivia: [Confused/concerned] What the..

Riley/Evelyn: Liv, please don’t leave!

Olivia: I already told you I wa- Wait. What did you just call me?

Riley/Evelyn: Your full name is Olivia Anne Baker, you pick your nails when you’re nervous, you only passed English 103 because you bribed the nerdy kid in class for his notes, and you’ve only ever let two people call you Liv: your grandpa, and me.

Olivia: How do you…

Riley/Evelyn: Liv… it’s me, Evelyn.

Olivia: Evy!? But you’re.. You..

Riley/Evelyn: Died? Yeah, I’ve been a ghost for about 16 years now, I’ve been haunting Riley here ever since they ate my corpse.

Olivia: I’m… gonna ignore that last part. God, it’s so nice to hear your voice again. Well, not technically your voice, but you know what I mean.

SOUND: Olivia hugs Evelyn.

Riley/Evelyn: So, uh, what've you been up to?

Olivia: [Gives a small laugh] What, for the last sixteen years?

Riley/Evelyn: Yeah, anything happen?

Olivia: I mean, yeah, a lot, it’s been sixteen fucking years, Evy.

Riley/Evelyn: Well, are you still doing art stuff? I still have that dog doodle you drew on that cocktail napkin in my drawer! I was gonna get a tattoo of it before, well, the splat.

Olivia: [Amused; teasingly] Wow, you getting a tattoo? I really was a bad influence on you

Riley/Evelyn: [Teasing] The worst.

Olivia: God, that was so many years ago, only memorable part of that trip.

Riley/Evelyn: Oh Malibu wasn’t all that bad! I mean, remember when we went to the beach really early in the morning and we saw those dolphins?

Olivia: Yeah, I remember that. [Giggles] You tried to swim after them before the tide knocked you on your ass.

SOUND: They both laugh.

Riley/Evelyn: I’m sorry. You know, about getting all squished.

Olivia: I mean, It’s not your fault, Evy.

Riley/Evelyn: [Solemnly] I just, I’ve always wondered what seeing that did to you. I was afraid it scarred you for life.

Olivia: It does rank pretty high on my list of the most fucked up moments of my life.

Riley/Evelyn: Higher than when that clown tried to tase you in Quiznos?

Olivia: It’s a close second.

Riley/Evelyn: I hope it didn’t ruin Nickelback for you! I know back in the day you were an even bigger fan than me.

Olivia: [Regretful] Yeah... Not my finest moment.

Riley/Evelyn: Wait what?

Olivia: I kinda grew out of Nickelback at the end of my twenties.

Riley/Evelyn: Oh… Well that’s fine, love is all about compromise, after all.

Olivia: What do you mean, Evy?

Riley/Evelyn: You know, picking up where we left off? I know things have changed - you're forty; I’m dead. But people have overcome bigger differences.

Olivia: [Lightly] Evelyn I don’t think that’s going to work..

Riley/Evelyn: Why? I mean, I still love you, and, I’ve thought about this moment for so long.

Olivia: [Lightly] I’m married, Evelyn.

Riley/Evelyn: I… You’re.. What?

Olivia: I’m married, have been for about 8 years now.

[BIG BEAT]

Riley/Evelyn: Oh..

Olivia: She and I met ten years ago at some shitty dive bar over in Apalachicola. We just started talking and we clicked. She helped me get through a lot after what had happened at the concert.

Riley/Evelyn: [Heartbroken] I… I see...

Olivia: [Sincerely] Evelyn, what we had was special, and I never regretted a second of it, but... You died.

Riley/Evelyn:[Choking up] Yeah.. I did… I… Think I’m gonna go to the bathroom now.

Olivia: [Somewhat confused] But Evy, you’re a ghost.

Riley/Evelyn: Yeah… I know…

SOUND: Ghost noises as Evelyn un-possesses Riley and goes to the bathroom.

Riley: [Groggily/Dazed and confused] WHAT.

Olivia: I think this was a mistake.

Riley: WHAT!?

Olivia: Thanks for.. Setting this up. Make sure she’s safe, okay?

SOUND: Olivia leaves up the stairs.

Riley: [BEAT] WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED? DO I GET TO GO TO HEAVEN NOW?

[END]

Todd plugs a new social networking project which has unforeseen demonic consequences.

+Transcript

Evelyn: Close your eyes, dear listeners, as we take you back to the idyllic world of the Internet in 2003.

SOUND: Off-brand, early-2000s alt-rock begins to play.

Evelyn: It was a time before smartphones, Facebook, and even…

Riley: Good music.

Evelyn: Shush. There were chat rooms on every conceivable subject, from early 2000s alt-rock to people trying to find love in a lonely world.

Riley: And the resolution on dick pics was at an all time low.

SOUND: The music peters off.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What? I’m just pointing out the positives.

Evelyn: Every time I try to do a nice intro, you come in and Riley all over it.

Riley: In that sense, I’m not unlike a dick pic: Nobody asks for me, but nobody can stop me.

Evelyn: Well, you have the first part right.

Riley: [Amused] Evelyn, did you just call me a dick? I didn't know you had it in you. Almost brings a tear to my eye...

Evelyn: [Sighs] And we’re done. Roll the--

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: --Intro.

Riley: The “missed connections” section on Craigslist isn't intended for finding new people to sew onto your human centipede, but it's not explicitly against the rules, either. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I'm Riley, your best...well, you know how the intro goes.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your guide to the internet of the early 2000s, because that’s when I died.

Riley: In case it’s escaped any of you eagle-eared listeners, today we’re talking about social media, and how it’s gone from anodyne distraction to full-on blight on society.

Evelyn: You’re not going to quote that Idiocracy movie again, are you?

Riley: It was prophetic.

Evelyn: I’m not going to watch it, Riley.

Riley: You wouldn’t get it, anyway.

Evelyn: Do you know what else I don't get? Snap. Why even post something that vanishes in seconds?

Riley: Are you just mad because any and all pictures of you vanish in seconds unless we post them somewhere?

Evelyn: No, it’s dumb for completely different reasons. Anyway, what's the deal with Facebook?

SOUND: Riley groans.

Riley: Don’t get me started on Facebook.

Evelyn: That’s literally exactly what I'm trying to do, for once. Go on, get all Riley’d up.

Riley: Oh sure, crank the hurdy gurdy and I’ll do a dance for you.

Evelyn: The listeners will get to know how smart you are.

Riley: Okay so, Facebook is like MySpace for senior citizens. It's full of bots, scams, and boomer memes.

Evelyn: What’s a boomer meme?

Riley: Doesn’t matter, they’re all just gray squares with the word “Breed” bolded in the center.

Evelyn: You know, that reminds me of a classic meme from back in the day.

Riley: Bracing for maximum cringe.

Evelyn: [Way, way too pleased with herself] What’s the matter, Riley or should I say… You mad, bro?

Riley: Evelyn, that’s not what memes are anymore.

Evelyn: You mad, bro?

Riley: Evelyn. Please.

Evelyn: You mad--

Riley: YOU MUST STOP! Anyway, let me show you some real memes…

SOUND: Frantic typing; clicking.

Riley: Feast your eyes on this.

Evelyn: I can’t quite read the lettering.

Riley: That’s the point. It’s a deep-fried meme.

Evelyn: I prefer the frog on the unic ycle. He seemed like a nice guy. “Oh shoot, what’s up?” [Laughs to herself]

Riley: How about this one?

Evelyn: Huh...

Riley: And this one. And this one! Oh, and this one is a classic.

Evelyn: It feels like the punchline to most of these is depression.

Riley: Pain is the bedrock of all comedy.

Evelyn: Why can’t there be more wholesome memes?

Riley: There are, but only people like you find them funny.

Evelyn: [Beat] You mad, bro?

Riley: Much like you, Evelyn, that meme has been dead for a long time.

Evelyn: How can a meme die? Comedy lasts forever.

Riley: Memes die all the time. And every year, their life cycle gets shorter. In our hyper-saturated online culture, memes become mass-adopted so fast that a lot of the time they're dead before most people even notice them, like catching the light of dead stars at night.

Evelyn: So, as soon as everyone is in on the joke, the joke dies?

Riley: Well, yeah. You don’t want a bunch of normies telling your jokes.

Evelyn: I don't get it. Isn't it more fun when everyone’s involved?

Riley: It’s all fun and games until it ends up on Ellen, and every wine-mom in the country is suddenly comparing themselves to Bad Luck Brian or some shit.

Evelyn: Still, don’t you think it’s a little stuck-up to keep the best laughs to yourself?

Riley: Whoever laughs last, steals the laughter from everyone else.

Evelyn: Way to turn trading funny pictures into the freaking stock exchange.

Riley: The meme economy is a cruel mistress; the little guy always gets crushed. But hey, that's the free market in action. Thanks, Adam Smith.

SOUND: Boom! The wall of the basement explodes as Czernovich the Gargoyle steps into the room.

Czernovich: [Deep evil voice] Riley Almanzor! Evelyn Hooper! Your time has come!

Riley: Great, just dealt with the roach problem and now there's gargoyles in the fucking walls.

Evelyn: What is it with you and walls?

Riley: Newsflash: You’re not supposed to walk through them, Evelyn!

Czernovich: My master sent me here to deliver a message.

Evelyn: Do we have to sign anything? Cause we may be here a while. I need to work on my poltergeist-eye-coordination.

Riley: Power roll!

SOUND: Riley rolls across the ground, and grabs a crossbow from under the table. We hear it being loaded.

Riley: Whoever said ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ wasn’t a messenger shot by me!

Evelyn: Not the crossbow, Riley. He’s made of stone!

Riley: Oh, come on, you never let me use the crossbow!

Czernovich: Wow, that’s actually a pretty sick-ass crossbow. It might even tickle.

Riley: Let’s try it, Goliath. You feeling lucky, punk?

Evelyn: Yeah, you mad, bro?

Riley: [Sternly] Evelyn.

Evelyn: How come you get to make references?

Riley: Well, mine was organic, yours was forced.

Czernovich: Guys, if you don’t mind, I have a job I need to do.

Riley: And we’ve got a podcast to record, so make it snappy.

Evelyn: If you’re here to kill us, I ask that you kill me first.

Riley: Evelyn, what are you doing?

Evelyn: [whispering] Chillax, Riles. Little does he know, I’m already dead.

Riley: But everyone knows you’re dead!

Czernovich: I haven’t come here to kill you.

Evelyn: Oh, good. Why are you here, then?

SOUND: Czernovich lifts something made of glass.

Czernovich: Look into my magic mirror.

Riley: You’re not gonna do a makeover, are you? Cause last time, that didn't end well.

Czernovich: Dude, just look at it, please. I’ve got birds to feed and I don't get paid to take sass.

Riley: Sure, fine, whatever.

Evelyn: For the record, I get nothing from mirrors these days.

Czernovich: My master will see you now.

SOUND: Old skype jingle begins to play.

Riley: Oh.

Evelyn: My.

SOUND: A Skype BLOOP as the call is received.

Todd: Todd! How’s it going, Riley, Evelyn? Thanks for having me on the show. It’s been, what, nine episodes? I've missed you guys!

Riley: [Gritted teeth] Ten. It’s been ten episodes.

Todd: Ah well, time flies when you're making fiends.

Evelyn: Did you mean friends?

Todd: Nope! [Evil laugh]

Riley: You’re paying for that wall your goon just destroyed, Todd.

Todd: Czernovich, you busted a wall?

Czernovich: Sorry boss, I didn’t want to go in through the front door. The ghoul’s mom intimidates me.

Todd: Intimidates you? You’re a 7-foot piece of gothic architecture with a gym membership.

Czernovich: I thought it would make a big impact.

Todd: Before I hired you, you were sitting on the roof of a public library in Brooklyn, getting crapped on by trash-fed seagulls. Don’t forget that.

Czernovich: Won’t happen again, boss.

Evelyn: What do you want, Todd?

Todd: Same thing I always want, Evelyn. To swoop in on a marketing opportunity.

Riley: This isn’t more of those Galaxy Brain Pills, is it? Because I don’t know who would even buy those. [Quiet; Humble] But if someone did, how can I cancel my subscription?

Todd: I’m not here for your brain, Riley. I’m here for your social life.

Evelyn: You’re too late, Todd! You’ll never find Riley’s social life.

Riley: Okay, asshole, we’ll hear you out if it gets you out of here faster. We’re willing to cooperate.

Todd: The fact that you’re still holding that crossbow makes me believe otherwise.

Riley: It makes me feel in control!

Todd: Nothing wrong with that. Control just feels good. Which is why you’ll love my new website slash summoning app.

SOUND: Todd’s public-domain-sounding guitar music rides again.

Evelyn: Oh no, not again. He’s playing the music.

Todd: Hell is hot, that’s an established fact, but you know what’s hotter? The fact that finding the right malevolent being just got a whole lot easier. Whether it’s putting up those shelves you've been meaning to get to, or fashioning a spirit totem out of the tongues of your worldly enemies, you can’t go wrong with Ars Socia. That’s right: Ars Socia, the latest product in--

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Doppelganger: Hey, there. Are you me? Chances are, you’re probably not. Because I’m nobody. I don’t exist, and you’re you. You’ve always been you. Unless you’re me, being you. Let me explain - Clones R Us provides the finest in identical doppelgangers:

Custom-molded homunculi programmed to look and behave exactly like you. They’ve even got all the same parts you know and love. They’ve got your skin, your hair, your eyes, and even a few extra things you’ve always wished you had. Our motto is “we know you better than you”, because we’ve taken you apart and rebuilt you, and we could do it again and again until it’s perfect.

Satisfied Customer 1: It’s always good to have a little extra me to go around. Ever since I got my doppelganger at Clones R Us, I’ve been twice as happy to be myself.

Satisfied Customer 2: At first, there was a bit of doubt over which one was the real me, but don’t worry: I sorted it out myself. It’s me now.

Doppelganger: No matter who you are, we can be you, and wouldn’t the world be better if there were more people like you? Exactly like you. Down to the very fiber of your being. Deeper than that. Yes. Clones R Us. Because we like you, more than you like you.

[End of weird ad time]

--

Todd: --Because that’s the sort of quality control you can expect from a Todd Family Product. Actual quality may vary between products.

Riley: You just said all of that in one breath. That’s impossible.

Todd: Sure, it’s possible. I owe it all to that summer I spent learning deep-breathing from monks in the Himalayas. Great guys. They stopped being zen when I sold all their enlightenment to my sherpa, but sometimes you have to spend karma to make karma.

Riley: Putting all that aside, this new social network of yours is--

Todd: Cutting edge? The next big thing? The next huge thing?

Riley: It’s literally just seekingarrangment.com but for demons and conjurers.

Evelyn: Riley, what’s seekingarrangment.com?

Riley: I’ll tell you later.

Todd: You can’t knock Ars Socia until you try it. It makes summoning the demon you need as simple as making an account, searching, and clicking a button. Convenience is the only true commodity in the 21st Century.

Czernovich: Actually, boss, I read an article in The Times that said the value of gold has been steadily increasing since 2012…

Todd: I’m sorry, Czernovich, which one of us has the marketing degree? Is it you? Is it?

Czernovich: It’s you, boss.

Todd: Damn straight. You gargoyles have one job: to just stand there and look intimidating. So do that, please, it's what I'm paying you for.

Evelyn: Todd, why don’t you just make your own podcast?

Riley: Do you need some tips for mixing audio? Because I’m not offering.

Todd: Because you already have an established audience; an audience who’ll be able to gain a lot from my wonderful products. [Quietly] Also, any other podcast would edit me out.

Riley: Because I can’t. Because of Evelyn’s ghost audio.

Todd: And it’s my prerogative as a businessman to take advantage of that shortcoming. Don't take it personally: if the world flooded tomorrow, I'd be busy selling ToddBoats.

Riley: Capitalism’s ultimate fate is always gonna be eating itself, Todd. It’s not sustainable. Just by existing, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Todd: Riley, Riley, Riley. I don't intend on shooting myself in the foot until everybody else is underneath it. That's a Todd guarantee.

Evelyn: You’re the worst, Todd.

Todd: I’m not the worst! There are demons far worse than me, and you're gonna meet them now. Tell me, Riley, what do you look for in a demon?

Riley: The kind that eats trust fund babies and shits out free healthcare.

Todd: Well, you’re in luck! Ars Socia has just the demon for you. With a touch of a button, The Great Duke Flauros is yours to command.

[Beat.]

Riley: Was that supposed to be the summoning? Is he invisible?

Todd: Sometimes it takes a little while for them to respond.

Riley: You seeing anything, Evelyn?

Evelyn: Unless he’s double-incorporeal, no.

Todd: See, I can tell he’s read the message, but he hasn’t started typing yet.

Czernovich: He could be chatting with another magician.

Todd: Then why wouldn’t he wait until he was free to click on the message? It’s just rude to leave me on read like that.

Evelyn: Maybe he was just checking to see if it was important?

Todd: I’m the owner of the App, of course it’s important.

Riley: If the Zucc sent me a message on facebook, I’d delete my account and start a new one under a fake name.

Evelyn: Don’t you already use a fake name?

Riley: Naturally. Can’t Facebook-stalk Riley Almanzor if they’re going by Ally Romanzor.

Evelyn: You’re right. That’s subtle.

Todd: Ah, I can see him typing!

Riley: Oh, good. It’d be awful if you just wasted everyone’s time and money.

Todd: He’s on his way. Three, two, one...

SOUND: Summoning bloop.

Flauros: Who’s the blazing guy with the big fuck-off claws? It’s me, Flauros! You’re welcome! I don’t get paid for this shit!

Riley: Oh god, the levels! He’s peaking the levels!

Todd: Welcome, Flauros. I have summoned you here to demonstrate your capabilities to these non-believing millennials.

Flauros: Do I gotta burn some motherfuckers? ‘Cause I brought a bucket full of duraflame and I’m ready to light something up! Woo! I’m late for my court hearing, y’all.

Evelyn: Should we be concerned? There are a lot of track marks on his arms.

Flauros: Oh shit! Is there asbestos in the building? Flauros hates himself some asbestos! Ha-ha! Flauros hates himself.

Riley: Welcome to the show, Flauros. I was told you ate babies.

Flauros: What the fuck? I didn’t sign up for a witch hunt! This is illegal detainment, I’m leaving. Later, mortals! Summon me again some time!

SOUND: Hang-up bloop.

Riley: I feel like I was just hit by a truck.

Todd: A truck filled with the future!

Evelyn: Ooh! Ooh! I want to pick a demon!

Todd: Loving this energy. What kind of demon do you want?

Evelyn: Do you have any nice ones?

Riley: Ev, they’re demons.

Todd: Ah, but the customer is always right when it suits my narrative. Did you know 40% of all demons used to be angels?

Evelyn: Well, that sounds like a crazy-town percentage. Why did they make the switch?

Todd: Satan offers a better dental plan.

Czernovich: Chipping your teeth on mortal skulls is a pain in the ass.

Riley: Didn’t realize we’d be talking about real problems today.

Todd: Anyway, one fallen angel for Evelyn, coming up.

SOUND: Summoning bloop.

Murmur: Greetings, mortals. I am Murmur, demon of truth. AMA.

Riley: A truthful demon feels kinda like an oxymoron.

Murmur: The truth can be ugly, too. Like your hoodie.

Riley: [Genuinely hurt] But this is my favorite! I wear it every day.

Murmur: That is evident from the ghastly stench.

Evelyn: Riley, stop hogging the demon! This one’s mine.

Murmur: Evelyn Hooper, what is your question?

Evelyn: Wow, you know my name.

Murmur: I would have preferred you to have phrased that in the form of a question, but yes. I know many things, but not everything.

Evelyn: What’s something you don’t know?

Murmur: I can’t tell you. Because I don’t know.

Evelyn: You are honest.

Murmur: Correct. You can be honest too. We’re all acquaintances here.

Todd: See, everyone’s having a good time - Ars Socia is my best idea yet.

Murmur: Do you truly mean that?

Todd: Everything’s sliding towards another bankruptcy and I had no way of knowing that Murmur’s ability to compel the truth worked through magic mirrors. [Beat] Oh, fuck. Can we edit that out?

Evelyn: You’re actually right for once, Todd! This is fun.

Murmur: Now it is your turn to speak the truth, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hit me! I’m ready!

Murmur: You’re quite the fan of Middle-Aged Tree Men, are you not?

Evelyn: When I was in 2nd-grade, I stole my best friend’s new Redwood action figure out of her backpack and buried it behind the playground so she couldn’t have it. [gasps]

Riley: You were a cool kid, Evelyn. What happened?

Evelyn: Get that demon out of here! I’ve had enough!

Murmur: You secretly wish to confess more because it’s therapeutic!

Evelyn: Todd, make her go away!

Todd: This suits my needs too, so fine.

SOUND: Bloop. Murmur vanishes.

Riley: Kinda weird how these demons always seem to turn on the people who summon them.

Czernovich: It’s almost as if only calling someone when you need something leads to feelings of resentment.

Todd: Well, that wasn’t the optimal use of our time. How about we click random summon? Riley and Evelyn: No!

Todd: I’m gonna click random summon.

SOUND: Bloop. Fred appears.

Fred: Greetings, mortals, I am...oh, hey Riley and Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hi Fred!

Riley: How’s it going?

Fred: Is that mic on? Oh shit, are we live?

Riley: It’s fine. Todd’s here too.

Fred: That guy with his own terrible heaven?

Todd: Premium heaven, thank you! It’s still in beta. If you bought a season pass, you’d be having a great time.

Fred: I don’t think there’s a heaven out there that’d let me in.

Todd: Well, that depends. Do you have any marketable skills?

Fred: I can give one hell of a blowjob.

Riley: Oh, hey, guys? In case it slipped your minds, Ev and I are trying to record a podcast here.

Fred: Shit, sorry, what did you summon me for again?

Todd: Doesn’t matter. We’ll be in contact.

SOUND: Bloop. Fred disappears.

Todd: Well, the random feature seems lucrative.

Riley: How!?

Todd: Let’s give it another go.

SOUND: Bloop. Stolas appears.

Stolas: [Owl noises] Hello, I’m Stolas. Pleased to meet you.

Riley: Hi, Stolas. You’re on Less is Morgue. What’s your thing?

Stolas: I’m an educating demon. Whooooo here would like to learn about astronomy?

Evelyn: I would!

Stolas: Oops, silly me. I meant to say astrology.

Evelyn: Still yes.

Riley: And here I thought you were an expert, Evelyn.

Evelyn: I mean, I dabble, but how often do you get to compare notes with a demon?

Stolas: No speaking in the classroom! Now then, before we can talk about the constellations, I have prepared for us all an invigorating lesson on the history of the asparagus plant. Early man ate asparagus for the pungent properties it leant to their urine. This was not only a source of great hilarity but a perfect method of humiliating other hunting species, such as the wolf.

Riley: I’m so bored.

Evelyn: Yeah, I feel like if my soul was in my body, this would make my soul leave my body.

Czernovich: It’s giving me college flashbacks. Can we move on, boss?

Todd: [Snoring; Jolted awake] Huh? I mean, yes, sure, fine, but not because you told me to.

Stolas: [Beleaguered sigh] No respect for teachers these days.

SOUND: Bloop. Stolas vanishes. Bloop. Happy dog panting.

Evelyn: Ohhh it’s a puppy! But with wings! A wing puppy!

Riley: Aww, it looks big enough to eat. I mean, good enough to eat.

Evelyn: That doesn’t make it sound any better.

Riley: Sue me, I skipped breakfast again.

Evelyn: Hi there, special widdle guy. What’s your name?

Glasya-Labolas: I have many names. In the 14th century, I was known as The Captain of Slaughter. The Byzantines called me Caacrinolaas before I vanquished them. There is a man in Siberia who has given me a new name too horrible to escape his frost-bitten lips. You may call me Glasya-Labolas, and in time, the mighty President of Hell.

Evelyn: Neato. Can I scritch behind your ears?

Glasya-Labolas: I find this acceptable.

Riley: Uh…Evelyn, maybe you shouldn’t get close to that thing. It looks kinda sketchy. Even I think it has creepy eyes.

Evelyn: He’s not so bad. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good, sticky boy?

Glasya-Labolas: [Ecstasy] Yes, yes, more. I am a dirty boy. A filthy boy. Mash my balls with your thumbs.

Evelyn: Okay, none of this now.

Riley: Get him out of here before I need to get a mop, Todd.

Todd: Note to self: background checks.[Beat] Actually, no, too much overhead.

Glasya-Labolas: Wait! I need to be punished! At least spit on me!

SOUND: Bloop. He’s gone.

Evelyn: Congratulations, Todd. You ruined puppies for everyone.

Todd: Puppies are an outdated concept, anyway. Take them off the market and it creates new opportunities for innovation. Which is why I’m proud to introduce ToddDogs, a new adorable pet that will make centuries of inbreeding look really foolish. I’ve got one right here. Say hello, Todd Jr...

Todd Jr.: [wheezing] Purchase me and replace me after the forthcoming update.

Evelyn: Time to leave, Todd.

Czernovich: Yeah, I’m feeling that. Thanks for having me on, Riley and Evelyn.

Riley: I would say come back anytime, but you do work for Todd. So no.

Czernovich: Fair enough.

Todd: No, you granite-brained cretin. Don’t you remember that I control you? Let me tell you, this’ll be real embarrassing to explain to those underfed pigeons you’ve been taking care of when you don't have any seed money. Literally.

Czernovich: You leave Mary-Kate and Ashley out of this.

Todd: I’m just laying out the incentive structure. You have the power here, Czernovich. That is to say, any leftover power that I don’t have. Which is as little as you deserve.

Czernovich: [Grumbles] Okay. I get it. What do you want me to do?

Todd: Well, I don’t want you to do anything violent. Break their property. I’m not held liable for that. Start with the microphone, then the mac.

Riley: You dick! That shit’s expensive.

Evelyn: Quickly, Riley, transform into something!

Riley: I can’t. I told you, I haven’t eaten all day!

Todd: Actually, I changed my mind, you can break their legs too, Czernovich. I mean, why not? I’m feeling spicy.

Czernovich: [Sighs] Prepare for my contractually-obligated wrath.

Evelyn: Fire the crossbow!

Riley: Oh, so now I can fire the crossbow?

Evelyn: Fire the heckin’ crossbow!

SOUND: Crossbow bolt fires, hits Czernovich.

Czernovich: [Giggle fit] What do you know? It did tickle.

Riley: There’s more where that came from…I fucking guess.

Evelyn: You keep distracting him! I’ll possess the microphone and make it run away.

Riley: No, don’t! That’ll fuck it up forever.

Evelyn: Which is worse, me or a gargoyle with surprisingly defined biceps?

Riley: I’m about to find out.

Czernovich: [Reluctant] Okay, Riley. Which’ll it be first? Left or right leg.

Todd: Don’t let them choose, you cement-headed clod. Snap both legs at once!

Czernovich: Nobody likes a backseat leg-snapper, boss. And I can only snap one at a time because I’m carrying this stupid mirror.

Riley: Have you…considered…putting the mirror down?

Czernovich: That’s a good point, actually. Then I could do both at once.

Riley: No, no, no, no, no, I meant metaphorically.

Czernovich: You lost me. I don’t do metaphors, I was a computer science major.

Riley: Look where it got you. Now you’re a glorified donut boy for the Silicon Valley strangler.

Todd: No DNA evidence.

Evelyn: Heck off, Todd.

Riley: Czernovich, wait! It is Czernovich, right?

Czernovich: My friends call me Czern.

Riley: Haven’t you ever wanted something more, Czern? A job is a job, sure, but you shouldn’t have to take shit from that nilla wafer in a tracksuit.

Todd: Less talky, more snappy!

Czernovich: Don’t patronise me. I know this job is for the birds, but I’m doing it for my birds.

Evelyn: Right, but is this what those adorable little pigeons would want? You working for this jerk who treats you terribly?

Czernovich: Well, what can I do? We can’t always get we want - that’s life.

Riley: That’s true. And do you know who keeps it that way? People like Todd.

Todd: People like Todd? Oh Riley, so naive of you. There’s only one Todd. Well, unless you count Todd Jr.

Todd Jr.: [wheezing] Dispose of me in the proper receptacle.

Riley: Even you know that’s not true! Czern, you might think that this guy gave you your life, but it was people just like him who took it from you in the first place. The world is full of liars, and self-interested assholes and, and… Todds! And unless we do something, we’re gonna spend our lives slaving away under the systems that enable them!

Czernovich: That’s all well and good, but I don’t see how I can do anything about that from where I’m standing.

Riley: As long as you are standing, and not doing it alone, he’s the one with every reason to fear you. Gather some of your friends from the rooftops and unionize, baby!

SOUND: Todd gasps in horror.

Todd: Don’t you dare use that horrible word!

Czernovich: By Stolas, you’re right. We gargoyles have stood by and watched as the assholes who ruin the world walk the streets beneath us.

Todd: Wait, Czern--

Czernovich: They put us up there on their banks and skyscrapers to inspire fear, but then they left us in the cold.

Riley: Yes! You’re getting it!

Todd: Let’s just calm down for a second--

Czernovich: No more! No more getting shit on, by seagulls or CEOs! Bring it down! Bring it all down to hell! The gargoyles shall eat the rich!

Todd: Whoa, whoa! I’m sensing some hostility here.

Riley: Do it! Revolution! Gargoyle revolution! Strikes! Picket lines! Swooping down on Wall Street, fucking their shit up!

Evelyn: Yeah, all that stuff! Fight the power!

Todd: Czernovich, wait! I’ll tell security to let you in the building sometimes! I’ll even let you into the employee lounge! I’ll let you sit in the least-used giant novelty beanbag!

Evelyn: Todd.

Todd: You can have my third office, the one with the bird feeder. I’ve never used it, anyway, it’s got your name on it!

Evelyn: Todd.

Todd: Well, technically, it doesn’t have your name on it yet… but it will when I can afford to pay for another monogrammed plaque! [Glitches] And every Friday, it'll be silly tie day, and we’ll all--

Evelyn: TODD!

Todd: What is it!? I’m trying to be civil with my employee!

[BEAT]

Evelyn: You mad, bro?

SOUND: Czernovich grunts, smashes the mirror. Todd’s last yell of anguish echoes and fades. He's gone again, for now.

Czernovich: Well, that was cathartic. Guess he should have offered a company rage room.

Riley: The world is your rage room, my dude. You can fuck shit up for the working gargoyle to your heart’s content.

Czernovich: You’re goddamn right.

Evelyn: Will we ever see you again, Czernovich?

Czernovich: Well, I haven’t even left yet. Mind if I sit down for a bit? I've just been standing and carrying that mirror all day.

Riley: Yeah, sure. There’s a comfy pile of bones right over there.

SOUND: Bones clattering, Czernovich gets comfortable.

Czernovich: Ah, it’s better than Brooklyn.

Riley: While I absolutely hate to admit this, I’d probably be into summoning more demons some time. It’s a shitty app, but it is a lot more convenient than the traditional method.

Czernovich: It’s a decent way to kill time.

Evelyn: The same could be said of all Todd Family Products. They’re perfectly mediocre.

Riley: Well, it’s all a distraction from the fact that the sun’s going to consume the earth and burn us all up in a couple thousand years.

Czernovich: Your math’s a little off, but you got the general idea.

Riley: Well excuse me, Mr. Comp-Sci. Sorry I don't have all your fancy college learning.

Evelyn: If we do summon more demons, can we at least rule out any murderers, perverts, or boring college professors?

Riley: Sure, one sec.

SOUND: Riley typing.

Riley: Just did a search with those filters. No results. Czernovich: Fucking figures.

[END OF EPISODE]