Episode 117: The Tell-Tale Heartache
In order to help Evelyn get over her recent romantic catastrophe, Riley summons the ghost of legendary New England horror author Edgar Allan Poe to the basement, though things go about as well as you'd imagine.
+Transcript
Riley: [Attempting to sound cheerful, comes out awkwardly forced] Okay! So, here we go! We’re recording! And that’s… great. Isn’t that great, Ev?
Evelyn: [Sounding despondent and monotone] Yeah. Great.
Riley: Right. Well, as you can all probably tell, Ev is feeling a little gray today.
Evelyn: [Obviously irritated] I’m dead, Riley. I’m always gray. Literally gray. Just like everything else in this soul-suckingly stupid excuse for an afterlife.
Riley: …You know what? I’m just gonna do the intro.
Evelyn: Yeah, you do –
SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.
Evelyn: That.
Riley: Hey, everybody! You're listening to Less Is Morgue - the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: [Still monotone] And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with Depression.
Riley: [Exasperated and a little guilty] Look, Ev, I said I was sorry, alright? I had no idea that she would… feel that way. [Awkward pause] You know, maybe if she was dead, she’d understand what you went through, and maybe you two would have a chance to patch things up. If you want, I could… you know?
Evelyn: You could what? Oh, God, Riley! PLEASE tell me you did not just offer to eat Olivia?
Riley: Well, it’s better than sitting around and moping all day! Excuse me for trying to take some initiative here!
Evelyn: Initiative? Oh, I’ll give you some initiative, I have your frickin’ initiative RIGHT HERE –
Riley: Okay. This has gone far enough. Ev, I can’t undo what I did, but I think I’ve found something that might make you feel better. Or, I guess, someone.
Evelyn: Is it our guest for the week?
Riley: It is, in fact, our guest for the week. Welcome, one and all, to this week’s episode of Less is Morgue! Today, I’m bringing someone on the show to help Ev deal with her emotions brought on by last week’s episode. Which was in no way my fault, of course.
Evelyn: Are you gonna eat this guy, too? Do we need to make more space in the bathroom?
Riley: I don’t eat everyone I bring into this basement! Besides, I wouldn’t eat this guy even if he was alive. He probably tastes like depression and cheap booze.
Evelyn: Ugh, please tell me you didn’t invite Fleetwood Mac onto our show.
Riley: Fleetwood Mac isn’t dead… yet. But since this guy is, there’s no way to get him here except via…
Evelyn: Oh no, don’t say it.
Riley: Ouija Board!
SOUND: We hear Riley pulling out the board game.
Evelyn: Why does it have blood on it? Have you used this before? What the – is that a fingernail?
Riley: It’s not mine, I swear! I bought this thing on Craigslist.
Evelyn: Riley, you can’t just buy a Ouija Board on Craigslist. Aren't they mysterious, magical items?
Riley: No, Ev, they're shitty, mass-produced Hasbro toys. And this one was free!
Evelyn: Uh, yeah, because it’s clearly been used in some weird murder ritual! Please tell me you didn’t meet with the seller alone.
Riley: Well…
Evelyn: Oh my God, you did. Geez, Riley, what if they’d been a murderer! Or, or… some kind of pervert?!
Riley: You’ve just been brainwashed by all those stupid, eighties, stranger danger PSAs they probably forced you to watch in school. Look, I went out of my way to interact with people to get this stupid Ouija board so I can make you feel better about your dumb ex-girlfriend, so can we just get on with it?
Evelyn: Fine. But if you summon another demon, I’m not helping you. Riley: This guy isn’t a demon! Or…well…okay, let’s just say there’s no verifiable proof that he’s a demon. Alright? Evelyn: Oh, for… let’s just get this over with.
SOUND: Riley and Evelyn setting up the board game.
Evelyn: So, how do we do this, anyway?
Riley: I don’t know, this thing didn’t exactly come with instructions.
Evelyn: Why can't I just ask him, like I did with Blackbeard?
Riley: Because that’d totally ruin the surprise. Let’s just put our hands on the planchette and ask if this guy’s here. Evelyn: Well, seeing as I don’t know who this guy is…
Riley: Then I’ll do the talking. A moment of silence, please.
[BEAT]
Riley: Oh, spirits. Are you there? Can you hear me? If you can, move the planchette to ‘Yes.’
Evelyn: …nothing’s happening. Where's Erik D’Corah when you need him?
Riley: Give it a minute. Hello? Is anyone out there? Like maybe the supernatural FBI? Do you guys listen in on Ouija board conversations? Do you record them?
Evelyn: Oh my gosh, Riley, there is no such thing as a supernatural FBI!
Riley: How would you know? I mean, death has its own bureaucratic system, it even has a post office - why wouldn’t it have an FBI?
Evelyn: Wait, we have a post office?
Riley: Don’t you? Isn’t that how we’ve been getting all those boxes of dried blood delivered?
Evelyn: What are you—OMG! Look! The planchette is moving!!
Riley: It says yes! Okay, Great Spirits who are totally definitely not government affiliated in any way, shape, or form-
Evelyn: RILEY.
Riley: Right, okay. We’d like to speak to… Edgar Allan Poe!
Evelyn: I’m sorry, we’d like to speak to WHO?
SOUND: Flames.
Evelyn: IT’S ON FIRE. THE BOARD IS ON FIRE.
Riley: I’m reasonably certain it’s not meant to do that. Quick, get some water, put it out!
Evelyn: Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll just go ahead and do that with my non-corporeal body, I see no problem with that brilliant plan!
Riley: You know, maybe this would go better if you would take the non-corporeal stick out of your non-corporeal butt for two minutes you little—
SOUND: A loud boom is heard.
Poe: No, no, no. This is wrong. This is absolutely wrong.
Riley: Uh… Hi? Is it… are you Mr. Poe?
Poe: No, I’m Rufus Griswold. Of course, I’m Poe! You literally just called me. And you’ve done it all wrong!
Evelyn: Aha! I knew we should’ve Googled this! How are we supposed to do it, anyway?
Poe: Well, for starters, the setting is off. If I’m going to grace you with my presence, I expect a table draped in a black velvet cloth, some blood red candles, and at least a little ominous chanting. And your clothes! What on earth are you two wearing?
Riley: Hey, man, I didn’t have time to do laundry today.
Poe: You could have at least put on something black.
Riley: Black isn’t my color, it washes me out.
Poe: Well at least something would be getting washed. And you! What on earth is a Nickelback and why is its name printed on your shirt?
Evelyn: Oh, dude, you are missing out on the best band of all time! Hold on, I bet I can find some CDs…
Riley: No, no, absolutely not! We’re getting off-track here! I didn’t call up Edgar Allan Poe—
Poe: Ugh, please, just call me Edgar. Or Edgar Poe. Allan was my father’s name.
Riley: FINE. I didn’t call EDGAR POE here to give us wardrobe advice! He is here because you are miserably heartbroken and he is going to fix it!
Poe: I am?
Riley: YES. You wrote some of the most depressing romantic tragedies of all time.
Poe: Oh, come on, they weren’t that depressing.
Evelyn: Well, actually…
Poe: I can’t help it if other people can’t appreciate the negative emotions that come with being alive!
Evelyn: Or dead. Not sure if you noticed, but I’m kind of dead here and I still have emotions.
Riley: Which is exactly the problem! Hey, is there some way to get rid of those for dead people? Maybe Evelyn’s death was defective, can you fix it?
Evelyn: You know what, Riley, we really need to talk about your social skills.
Riley: Again? I’m trying to heal your heartbreak here!
Evelyn: Well… I don’t know if I’d say I’m heartbroken, but…
Riley: You cried in the bathroom for three hours yesterday. Even Jon felt bad for you, and Jon pretty much hates both of us.
Evelyn: I don’t know, I think he’s starting to come around. Pizza Ghost Jon: [From inside the bathroom] No, no I’m not.
Evelyn: Rats.
Poe: My dear, this is just splendid! Heartbreak is the great equalizer.
Riley: I thought that was death.
Poe: You say that as though there is any difference. You see, each and every one of us will experience heartbreak in our lives. And in our deaths. And though it be painful, it is also beautiful, in a way. The grief that comes from loving someone is a tribute, not to them, but to you and your own heart. To the love that you give away and the love that is taken from you. Now, tell me. Your heartbreak. Is it because death has separated you and your true love?
Evelyn: Well… that’s… sort of what happened, I guess, but… Poe: Excellent! This truly is a blessing to you. Why, the sheer force of your feelings can move you to do great things! You can wander the halls of your ancestral home, weeping and wailing until the very animals begin to die around you, tortured to death by your screams that only they can hear.
Evelyn: I don’t exactly have an ancestral home. I grew up in a two-bedroom house in St Marks.
Poe: Oh. Well, no matter, then. You can weep and wail outside the home of your beloved! She will go mad in her grief and eventually, in her insanity, come join you in the afterlife. Which may be a bit of an awkward conversation, sure, but you might get a few good poems out of the deal. Perhaps even a publishing deal! It’s a trade-off.
Evelyn: That’s sort of the problem, Mr. Poe. My beloved… she… doesn’t love me anymore.
Poe: What on earth do you mean?
Evelyn: Well, it’s been sixteen years since that fateful Nickelback concert. And she’s… she’s moved on.
Poe: Moved on? I don’t understand the concept.
Evelyn: She’s dating someone else.
Poe: But… she’s in love with you. She is your beloved and you are hers. If she loves you, how can she be with someone else? Why, it’s almost as if she doesn’t love you. Maybe never loved you, even.
Evelyn: Ouch.
Riley: Wow, I guess I’m not the only one who needs a little help with social cues.
Evelyn: Look, she did love me—
Poe: I don’t get it, are you trying to say—
Riley: Really, this is not a hard concept—
SOUND: They talk over each other and argue about the permanence (or lack thereof) of love before being interrupted.
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Doorbell.
Todd: It’s hard to be a member of the dead in a world dominated by the living. Products and services designed for the living sometimes just don’t cut it. Being able to access the outside world – even when you’re trapped in your grave or supernaturally forbidden from leaving your home – is a necessity for the modern monster.
That’s why I’ve started my newest company, Door-to-Door Death-liveries. If you can think of it, we can deliver it! From severed heads to homemade coffins, still-beating hearts to demonic black cats, we cater to all your haunting, wailing, and sulking needs. Not convinced? Just listen to these glowing customer testimonials!
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Customer Three: [Indistinct screaming and begging.]
Todd: Sign up for Door-to-Door Death-liveries today using the coupon code Less Is Morgue and receive your first five deliveries free! If you’re not satisfied, we’ll even refund your money and let you keep your product!
Customer Three: Please, dear God, take it back, you can have my money, just get this thing off of me, oh God, it’s got my eyes…
Todd: Ah, the sweet sounds of materialistic satisfaction. Don’t get stuck in the Dark Ages of DIY hauntings – order your haunting supplies today!
SOUND: More indistinct screaming, creepy laughter.
[END WEIRD AD TIME]
Poe: Okay. Alright. So, let’s just go over this one more time.
Riley: Oh, for the love of To—
Poe: You’re telling me that after a mere sixteen years apart, your girlfriend has fallen in love with somebody else? Evelyn: You know, every time you say that out loud, a little part of me dies.
Riley: Well, technically—
Evelyn: Don’t make me hit you.
Poe: And after your death, she never once slept by your grave?
Evelyn: Not that I’m aware of.
Poe: She didn’t go mad with grief?
Evelyn: Looked pretty sane to me.
Poe: She didn’t wall a cat inside your grave?
Riley: Jesus, dude, what is your problem?
Evelyn: NO, SHE DID NOT. She mourned me and she moved on. Can we take a page from her book and move on from this topic now? Please?
Poe: Evelyn… may I call you that?
Evelyn: I guess?
Poe: Evelyn, you are selling yourself far too short.
Evelyn: I… am?
Poe: Look at you. You’re a young, attractive ghost with a depth of feeling that nobody but us artists can truly appreciate. Yet you sit here and waste your beautiful grief on someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. You’re better than that. You deserve somebody who would swallow laudanum just to be with you in the afterlife! The point is that life – and death – are too precious to spend pining over someone who wouldn’t go to the ends of insanity to be with you.
Evelyn: Wow. That’s… actually really beautiful. In a sick, twisted kind of way.
Poe: Everything worthwhile in life is a little sick and twisted.
Riley: Seems like sort of a bad precedent to set, but you’ve got a point. She really isn’t good enough for you if she can just get over you just because you’re dead.
Evelyn: Wow, this is… a lot to take in. It’s just… I’ve spent so long being heartsick over her. For the past sixteen years, I’ve thought of her every day. I’ve wished to see her, thought of all the ways I’d like to apologize and make it up to her. I always thought I’d wait until her death and then we’d be together again. But all those tears, all that time… it was for nothing. She moved on and I didn’t and now I’m stuck.
[A moment of silence.]
Evelyn: I just wish I knew what to do now.
Riley: Look, Ev. I don’t really know much about this kind of stuff. You know I’m not good with people. Or creatures. Or most inanimate objects. And this is all sort of my fault so maybe I shouldn’t be saying anything, anyway. But… well, I don’t think you have to decide that today.
Evelyn: What do you mean?
Riley: You don’t have to decide what comes next just yet. Nobody really knows what to do and moving on is tough. It takes time and it hurts. If you don’t know what to do, well, that’s okay. You don’t have to know today.
Evelyn: Wow, Riley. That means a lot to me. Thank you. [Tears up]
Riley: [Groans] Don’t cry, I hate crying, I never know how to deal with crying.
Evelyn: [Wailing exaggeratedly] I knew you cared about me! All along you’ve pretended to hate me but you secretly totally love me!
Riley: Ugh, you are SO GROSS, I should’ve just let you mope!
Evelyn: [Sniffling] You know, you’re wrong about one thing. This wasn’t your fault. In fact, I think what you did was a good thing. Now, I know that she’s moved on and doesn’t want to see me again. And because I know that, I can move on, too. I just… don’t know how long it will take. Hey, Edgar, how did you move on when your wife died?
Poe: I didn’t, obviously. She was my one and only. I wallowed in grief and alcohol until my untimely and mysterious death, a fitting tribute to my life and her death.
Evelyn: Oh. Right.
Poe: I also worked through my grief with writing. Being able to express my feelings through poetry and short stories was very important for my mental health.
Riley: Hey, uh, no offense, but I really don’t think you’re the poster child of mental health.
Poe: What? How dare you!
Riley: Hey, I said no offense!
Poe: That doesn’t actually make your statement any less offensive.
Riley: Well, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend you were a sane and healthy person! You literally tried to kill yourself, like, a million times.
Poe: That is a gross exaggeration.
Riley: You’re a gross exaggeration!
Poe: Oh, quite clever, aren’t you? Did you get your insults from schoolchildren?
Riley: I’ll have you know that I don’t go anywhere near kids! I may eat people, but even I have morals!...Sort of!
Evelyn: Wait, sort of?
Riley: I mean…okay, you know what? Nobody’s perfect, so don’t get all judgmental on me!
Evelyn: Riley, if you tell me you ate a kid, I am going to get very much extremely judgmental and we are going to have a long talk—
Riley: It wasn’t like it was a whole kid! Maybe, just, sort of, part of a kid?
Evelyn: RILEY!
Riley: Come on, it’s not like he needed both his arms!
Poe: Good God!
Riley: Can it, Mopey McMope-face. I’m really starting to regret inviting you here.
Evelyn: Oh, come on, Riley, he’s been helpful! Mostly.
Poe: What do you mean, mostly? I’ve yet to give you questionable advice. Might I remind you two that you brought me here.
Evelyn: You’re right, you’re right. We’ll lay off. Won’t we, Riley?
Riley: [Grumbling.]
Evelyn: RILEY.
Riley: Okay, fine, yes, we’ll lay off.
Poe: Good. Now, I may have just the solution for you, my dear, if only you’ll hear me out.
Evelyn: Really?! Okay, I’m listening!
Poe: You feel your life is now directionless without your lost love, that you’ve no purpose, and no way to move forward.
Evelyn: Yes…
Poe: What if I told you there was a way to find meaning in life once again? A way to become the person – or, well, the ghost – that you’ve always wanted to be?
Evelyn: I’m listening…
Poe: It’s very simple. You see, in my afterlife, I’ve created a lovely organization that gives hope and help to people just like you.
Evelyn: Just like me?!
Riley: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Poe: It’s called Black Cat Beauty! It’s very simple, here’s how it works. For just a one-time payment of $100, I will give you all the tools necessary to sell my wife’s lovely, one-of-a-kind ghostly jewelry.
Riley: Why is this starting to feel like a terrible ad?
Poe: You’ll become your own self-made entrepreneur! You can set your own hours and find your own clients. Best of all, you can recruit other people to the company!
Riley: Wait a minute…
Poe: For every ten people who become part of your downline, you can—
Riley: HOLD ON A MINUTE.
Poe: What?
Evelyn: What?
Riley: This is a multi-level marketing scheme! Are you kidding me right now?!
Evelyn: A what?
Riley: He’s trying to get you to shill his products for him, ultimately making him a lot of money, while you end up with nothing, or less!
Evelyn: What are you talking about? If I’m selling it, how would I lose money?
Riley: Oh my God, Ev, you are so naïve. It basically works like a pyramid scheme – most of the money goes right to the top, and in the end, you’ll be left with nothing.
Poe: That’s absurd! Listen, if you sell enough jewelry, you could become rich, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Really?!
Riley: No! Of course not!
Evelyn: How would you know?
Riley: How many people are a part of your little “business,” Edgar?
Poe: Well… alright, it’s a new venture. Okay? It’s only Lenore and I right now. But we’re going to get big, really big! Just you wait!
Riley: And are you and your wife rich?
Poe: Oh, so money is all you two care about, isn’t it?
Riley: Why would she care about money?! SHE’S DEAD.
Evelyn: Oh… yeah, that’s right. What would I even do with the money?
Poe: Well, you can… you know… you could buy… you know what? I don’t have time for this. If you don’t want to sign up, that’s fine, you can go ahead and waste your afterlife in a meaningless sludge of the constant passage of time. But one day you’re going to hear about Black Cat Beauty and you’re going to regret passing us up!
SOUND: Poe disappears in a puff of smoke.
Evelyn: Well, that went well.
Riley: I’m telling you, it’s a scam.
Evelyn: You think everything’s a scam.
Riley: That’s because most things are!
Evelyn: Seems like a weird thing for Edgar Allan Poe to sell, though. Jewelry? Really?
Riley: Well, did you see the guy? He seems pretty dramatic. It was probably all super gaudy and ridiculous.
Evelyn: I feel kind of bad for him, though. Maybe I should’ve bought something.
Riley: You can’t be serious!
Evelyn: Just to make him feel better! I mean, he came all this way and talked me through my breakup. I could’ve at least gotten a necklace or something.
Riley: You don’t wear necklaces.
Evelyn: I could!
Riley: I’ve literally never seen you wear one.
Evelyn: Okay, fine, maybe I don’t. But I could’ve got one for you to wear!
Riley: I don't do accessories, unless that time an ant colony developed in my ponytail counts.
Evelyn: Oh… yeah… I remember that. On second thought, I think I like you without the accessories.
Riley: That’s what I thought.
[A pause.]
Riley: Hey, Ev?
Evelyn: Yeah?
Riley: I really am sorry for what happened.
Evelyn: It’s okay, I forgive you. It was probably for the best.
Riley: That doesn’t mean it feels good.
Evelyn: No… it doesn’t. I’m sorry that I’ll probably be moping around for a little while longer.
Riley: That’s okay. I think I can handle that.
Evelyn: Oh, well. It just means you’ll have to be the peppy one on the show
Riley: Ugh. Hard pass.
Evelyn: C’mon! I can teach you how to make super cool pop culture references!
Riley: None of your references are cool!
Evelyn: How dare you! You’ve impugned my honor!
Riley: The only thing I’ve impugned is your delusions!
Evelyn: Don’t tell me how to live my death!
[THE END]