Episode 118: Camp Nightmare
In an attempt to make Evelyn feel good, Riley arranges a trip to a local adult camp under the guise of investigating the Bermuda Triangle. However, things quickly take a turn for the strange and deadly.
+Transcript
Riley: [Whispering] Listeners, Evelyn isn't in the room right now, so I'm gonna keep this little secret between me and you - and if anyone tattles, I swear to god, I'll take your knees. Wait, shit, we record these like a week in advance. Fuck. Anyway, so I'm planning something nice for Evelyn - no, don't you look at me like that! I've thought this one through, it's not gonna be emotionally devastating. It's gonna be great.
SOUND: Spooky, ghostly apparition noises.
Evelyn: Wow, Jon’s getting really great at tic tac toe. He kicked my butt.
Riley: Well, I mean, he's got plenty of time to practice in there.
Evelyn: Oh no, have you started recording already?
Riley: Yeah, I was just about to do the--
SOUND: Riley is interrupted by the theme music.
Riley: Intro.
Evelyn: Nice! Let's do it!
Riley: This is Less Is Morgue, the only show on the internet where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.
Evelyn: If you're listening to this, either you're wearing headphones, or being inconsiderate to the people around you!
Riley: After a lifetime of swallowing their chewing gum, a Florida local finally shit out a ten pound gum-wad that'd accumulated in their stomach over the years. That local is me. Welcome to the show.
Evelyn: So, what were you up to before I came in?
Riley: I’ve been doing some research. How much do you know about the Bermuda Triangle?
Evelyn: I know that it’s in the ocean and it’s somewhat triangular.
Riley: Correct. It’s a hotbed of disappearances and very likely extraterrestrial activity. But what you probably didn’t know is- it’s expanding. Look at this.
SOUND: Riley unfolding a piece of paper.
Evelyn: Oh wow.
Riley: There’s been an unusual spike in disappearances in this general area, West of Miami, which has lead me to an upsetting conclusion: The Bermuda Triangle is migrating. My guess is that this sort of thing roughly happens every 400 years.
Evelyn: Where’d you come up with that number?
Riley: It just feels right.
Evelyn: Okay, we’ll just roll with that.
Riley: So - you know how you’re always talking about us getting out of the house more?
Evelyn: I do, and I know how every time I bring it up you hiss at me and crawl under the bed.
Riley: Not today! Because we’re going to the woods to investigate.
[Beat.]
Riley: And also there’s this adult summer camp that’s running over the weekend in the epicentre of the disappearances, and that seemed like some normie shit that you’d be super into.
Evelyn: [Excited] Really?
Riley: Yeah, I signed us up. Well, I signed myself up, you’re a ghost, it’s not likely they’ll ticket you. I figured that you might still be upset over the thing with Olivia.
Evelyn: Riley, you know I forgive you for that.
Riley: Shut up. I haven’t forgiven me, and that’s the point here. I wanted to do something both of us could potentially, maybe enjoy.
Evelyn: That’s so nice of you, Riley! How’d you get your parents to lend you the money?
Riley: Oh, it wasn’t hard. I went upstairs and I was like ‘Hey guys, I’ve got plans for the weekend, I need some money’ and my dad broke down crying with joy. Mom wasn’t as emotional but the aura coming off of her was like...way less disappointed than usual.
Evelyn: Well, that’s good to hear.
Riley: Yep, and dad’s gonna drive us - so pack your bags.
Evelyn: I have no other clothes.
Riley: --I’m gonna get my stuff together, and we’ll be off to Camp One Counselor.
SOUND: The Audio Cuts.
SOUND: Riley walking on gravel up to the camp gates.
Riley: Alright, we are walking up to the entrance of Camp One Counselor. There’s… only one counsellor.
[Beat.]
Riley: Huh. That explains the name, I guess.
Evelyn: Oh oh oh! I think that’s where you sign in!
Riley: They’re like, the only one here, so they better be.
SOUND: Footsteps as they approach Jordan.
Jordan: [Disgustingly peppy and cheerful] Hello, hello, happy, happy camper! I'm Jordan P, your new bestest budd-y! Turn that frown upside down and show me your pass!
Riley: Uh, yeah, here…
Jordan: and a BIG thank you. Clip clip!
SOUND: Jordan punches their ticket.
Jordan: If there’s anything I love, it’s…
SOUND: He strums his ukulele.
Jordan: [Sing-song] Validating people!
SOUND: Jordan slowly turns to Evelyn, a creaking sound is heard.
Jordan: So… Does your friend have a ticket, too?
SOUND: Evelyn and Riley both gulp.
Evelyn: You can… see me…?
Jordan: Oh, I see dead people all the time! Sometimes they’re not even the ones I made!
SOUND: Another strum.
Riley: …Oh. Evelyn: So! What’s up with the metal rim on that uke of yours?
Riley: [In the background, quietly] Are we just going to ignore that, or…?
Jordan: Oh, it helps me create… [sounding so pleased with himself, like he’s holding back a laugh] Hard hitting performances.
SOUND: He strums on ukulele again, in rapid succession.
Jordan: Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what activities we have at this fine establishment! Well… [sung to the tune of “Hello Mother, Hello Father”] We have rock climbing, we have rope climbing, mountain climbing, building climbing--
Evelyn: Uh, I can float, so are there any that don't involve climbing?
Jordan: Of course. Key change!
SOUND: Enthusiastic strum.
Jordan: [Building to a song] Weeeeee’ve goooooot--
Riley: TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. GO.
SOUND: Microphone shoved uncomfortably close to Jordan’s face.
Jordan: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, missy! Turn off that phone and tune IN [Really uncomfortable pause] to nature!
Evelyn: I like nature!
Riley: Oh for the love of-- Okay, fine. Whatever. [To Evelyn] Have you noticed there are like… no other people at this place?
SOUND: Footsteps as Jerry approaches.
Riley: Nevermind.
Jerry: Sup. Jordan, my dude. I uh… I need coffee, man. This hangover is really killing the vibe.
Jordan: You know what the biggest vibe killer of all is, Jerry? Coffee! Bitter, disgusting, sad, workaholic coffee! Coffee, my dear friend, is the devil’s drink! Do you want to imbibe in the devil’s drink?
Jerry: But you serve alcohol here…? Isn’t that--
Jordan: ALCOHOL IS FUN! IT HELPS YOU HAVE FUN HERE! DO YOU NOT WANT TO HAVE FUN?
Jerry: I’d have more fun if I just got a little pick me up.
SOUND: Jordan takes in a deep breath. Too deep to be comfortable.
Jordan: Alright, alright.. Here, I’ll take you to the coffee machine. Follow me...
SOUND: Footsteps away, followed by blunt force trauma. Ukulele strings breaking and blood splattering.
Evelyn: That doesn't sound good.
SOUND: Footsteps as Jordan returns.
Jordan: Jerry wasn’t feeling well and had to go home.
[Beat.]
SOUND: Jordan claps his hands together.
Jordan: So! Here’s your complimentary flower crowns and mimosas! Campfire is at seven! Don’t forget your smiles - cause when you smile, the world smiles back! Toodle-oo!
SOUND: Jordan walks away.
Riley: I bet this weekend is gonna end with him ritualistically posing our bodies.
Evelyn: Well, I don't have a body, so you'd lose that bet!
Riley: God, this shit is creepy.
Evelyn: Riley, I know you're doing this for me, and I really appreciate that, but I don't think this is your scene.
Riley: What? I don't know what you're talking about.
Evelyn: I know you're just doing this because you feel bad about Olivia. But seriously, it's fine. I appreciate you caring about me. But you seem all anxious and twitchy and that never ends well.
Riley: Bermuda Triangle, Ev! That's why we’re here. All this camp shit is just a cover.
Evelyn: [Sighs] Then I guess we better make it convincing. Let's go check out the activities!
Riley: [Gulps] Okay, here we go…
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: X-Files-esque music plays.
Insurance Man: Hello, my name is Human Male, the Male Human, representing the Indrid Cold Insurance Firm. Let's move on. Have you ever been abducted by superior beings from other worlds? Have they taken you up into their flying saucers? Did they do butt stuff? Did they leave you dazed and confused? Maybe a little turned on after? You may be entitled to sizeable compensation with our new Abduction Insurance Plan.
SOUND: Sci-Fi sound effects.
Insurance Man: We offer a far greater incentive scheme than our leading Alien Abduction competitors - our policy ensures that you or your surviving next of kin are entitled to a ten million dollar payout, payable yearly in dollar instalments for the next ten million years. You will need to get one of the alien beings involved in the transaction to co-sign your legal papers, and you may also need this alien to, if called upon, appear in court to state that they did indeed abduct you, to prevent insurance fraud.
SOUND: Spacecraft whooshing through the air.
Insurance Man: Remember - it’s too late to get insurance after you've already been abducted. When you inevitably turn up mysteriously dead in no way connected to the CIA, it’s always good to leave something behind for whoever’s distant enough from you to avoid being silenced. Indrid Cold Insurance: It’s out of this world.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Audio cuts back in. There’s the crackle of a campfire. The ambient noises of wildlife. Riley is more tense than ever.
Riley: Hi. We’re… back. It’s seven in the evening and today has been... a lot…
Evelyn: Of fun! [pauses] Mostly. You did accidentally shoot another camper in the foot on the archery range. That really put things on pause for a bit, but Jordy got cleared it up pretty quickly!
Riley: Listen; The crossbow is superior to the acoustic bow. Weak fuckin’ twig, making me nock the arrows myself like some kind of mouth-breathing caveman.
SOUND: Riley breathes through their mouth.
Riley: I’m gonna burn this place down, Evelyn.
Evelyn: [sounding unimpressed] Please don’t burn this place down. Riley: Wait, shit, no, I’m supposed to be having fun! Fuck. Sorry, Evelyn, I’m ruining your trip. I’ll calm down now. I can do this.
Evelyn: Are you sure? Cause you’re pulling like, a lot of your hair out right now.
Riley: That’s just to, uh, make me more aerodynamic in a combat situation!
Evelyn: …In what context would we end up in a “combat situation”?
Riley: Oh, hmm, I don’t know…. Because Jordan is [imitating his happy-go-lucky tone in a stressed, mocking fashion] Absolutely out of his mind?
Evelyn: Oh, he’s not that bad… I think. Just super enthusias--
SOUND: Ukulele strums.
Jordan: Gather around, happy campers! Tonight we have two new camperinos joining us! Say hello to Riley and Evelyn!
Norm: Sup, ladies.
Stacy: Oh my GOD, hi! It’s so good to have another girl here, y’know what I mean?
Riley: I’m not--
Stacy: Girl power, am I right?
SOUND: Riley groans; begins rocking back and forth.
Evelyn: Is rocking back and forth a combat thing, too?
Riley: No, it’s a “don’t ask me about it” thing.
Evelyn: Gosh, it’s kinda spooky out here.
Riley: I’d say more “all-out sensory assault.”
SOUND: We hear Jason’s iconic “Chi-chi-chi, Ah-ah-ah” sound effect.
Evelyn: Oh no!
Riley: Great, machete time. One more thing to worry about.
Norm: Oh, it’s cool, that’s just my text alert.
Jordan: What did I tell you about phones, Norm?
Norm: That they’re of the devil?
Jordan: Exactly! Okie-dokey-artichokie! Now it’s time to wiiiiiind dooooown and relax. [Long pause as he breathes in and out] Riley! You’re not looking relaxed at all!
Riley: Well thanks, Jordan, pointing that out to everyone really helps.
SOUND: Jordan begins strumming his ukulele.
Jordan: How about we mellow out, and reflect on the day. What’s been everyone’s favourite activity? You first, Norm! Take it away!
Norm: The water balloon fights up on the roof of the cabins… at least until Derek fell off…
Stacy: Where is Derek, anyway?
Jordan: I called an ambulance, he’s in a better place. I mean, he’s in the best place, for what happened to him.
[Beat.]
Jordan: I didn’t kill him.
Norm: ...Anyway, I liked the water balloons best. Maybe we can do some more water-based activities? Like, I dunno, rowing? Or a wet t-shirt contest? Or skinny-dipping in the hot tub with some brewskies, and you know, what happens, happens, right?
Riley: Ew.
Evelyn: [Whispering] Even I don’t like this guy...
Stacy: Oh! Oh! Me next! I liked the part where I completely DESTROYED everyone in the volleyball tournament!
Norm: [Talking more to himself] Oh, I liked that one too…We’ve got so much in common, Stacy. Are you feeling this connection too?
Riley: I’m feeling something… [gags]
Evelyn: [Hushed whisper] Don’t be rude!
Jordan: How about you, Riley? We’ve gotta be--
SOUND: Strums.
Jordan: Inclusive!
Riley: You realize pretty much everyone here is whiter than clapping when the plane lands, right?
Jordan: Less critiquing systems, more talking about your favourite activity!
SOUND: Angry strum.
Evelyn: Just play along, Riles, it’s fine.
Riley: [dramatic sigh] I guess making macaroni art with Smirnoff instead of glue was novel…
Jordan: Great! We’ll eat those paintings at the end of the weekend.
Evelyn: But I can’t eat--
Norm: Actually, speaking of food…We haven’t eaten in like… two days…
Riley: Yeah - the giant, floating turkey leg has a point.
Jordan: That’s because food would soak up all the alcohol, silly-billy! People are just happier when they’re--
SOUND: Strum.
Jordan: [Sing-song] Shitfaced! That’s just science.
Riley: [Quiet] Okay, I’m not feeling so great. Everything is just… too much.
Evelyn: I feel so left out…
Jordan: Maybe you should have thought about that before dying!
Stacy: [Laughs] This is hi-larious! Who’s he talking to again…?
Jordan: Nobody! Just keep drinking!
SOUND: Liquor pouring.
Stacy: Alright, alright, jeez. You know, this camp was a lot more fun two days ago, when there were still twenty people I could beat at dodgeball.
Jordan: [Angry] Don’t be such a debby downer! Those other eighteen were party poopers - that’s why I...uh, gently encouraged them to leave. Until they died.
Riley: Still not doing so great. Actually, getting kinda worse…[Strained laugh]
Evelyn: Aw… Riley… Let’s just go home. I appreciate you doing this for me; I really do, but I’ve had my fun!
Riley: Yeah, maybe leaving would be a good idea... it’s--
Jordan: [Unhinged] NO ONE LEAVES!
SOUND: Everyone gasps in shock.
Jordan: I mean, why would you want to leave? Everything is perfect here! Sing-along, anyone?
SOUND: Forceful ukulele strumming and singing “Camptown Racers’, which promptly fades into the background.
Evelyn: [close to mic] I don’t want to make things worse for you, Riles, but I think you were right before about this guy being… [pauses as she struggles to find a nice way to put it] Looney tunes.
Riley: No fucking shit, Ev…
Norm: Hey, what’re you whispering about? Is it my amazing body? [pauses] Or Stacy’s amazing body?
Stacy: Norm, please close your mouth. It’s gross.
Riley: What? No--
Norm: If you wanna participate in some girl-on-girl action, who am I to get in the way of that--
Riley: For fuck’s sake-- I’m not a girl. Do you people not have any listening comprehension--
SOUND: Ukulele twangs, then stops.
Jordan: How about a scary story? Can’t have a campfire without a scary story!
Riley: My life is a scary story.
Stacy: My favourite is the one with the Christmas ornaments that come to life and try to kill everybody!
Norm: Or that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! [long pause, sounding distant and horrified] You know the one...
SOUND: Ukulele strum.
Jordan: SILENCE! How will you hear the story if you’re not even paying attention!?
SOUND: Long pause. Just the fire crackling in the background.
Jordan: Anyway… It happened a long, long, long, long-
Riley: Long?
Jordan: Time ago! Probably about twenty years, give or take. There was a pleasant young man called...Garry. Yeah, that’s it, Garry B. Garry B was 15 years old, and he was a happy happy camper, just like all of you.
Riley: [sarcastic] I’m already enthralled.
Jordan: … And he went to a camp, just like this one. But this camp was different!
Riley: Was it different or was it just like this one?
Jordan: YES! Anyway, this camp had lots of rules...the counselors were tyrannical. They didn’t allow drinking, staying out past ten, or climbing on the roof! They even made the campers wear hats to prevent sunburn!
Norm: [horrified] Those sick bastards!
Jordan: Garry B just wanted to have fun at camp! His one, harmless dream was to start a food fight! Just like in his favourite movie, Camp Rock! All he did was throw some mashed potatoes into the ceiling fan, but the counsellors wouldn’t have it.
Stacy: That’s not scary.
Jordan: I’M GETTING TO IT, STACY! SO HELP ME I WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS IN!
Stacy: Just try, little man.
SOUND: Jordan P begins to make a kind of angry internal screech through gritted teeth.
Evelyn: I’m really invested, Jordie! Keep going!
Jordan: They put me- I mean Garry- in the time-out shell. It was horrible. It smelled strongly of cheese and there were crabs all over the floor. Garry swore on that day that he’d return and get his sweet, sweet revenge. And so, next summer, he came back to the camp, and he drowned them all. The end!
SOUND: Ukulele strum.
Stacy: [clapping] Okay, that’s more like it!
Evelyn: It was… kind of dark, and the mass murder really came out of left field.
Riley: Okay, so this dude just admitted to killing a bunch of people. Is anyone else bothered by that?
Norm: Riley, that story was about Garry B, not Jordy P. They’re two different people. But I understand your confusion, it took me a moment too.
Riley: Garry B was a blatant self-insert! It’s the first sign of a hack writer!
Norm: Well maybe if Jordy told the story again, you’d be able to appreciate all the intricacies of—
Riley: Nope. I don’t have the spoons for this bullshit. I’m leaving.
Jordan: Come on, guys, no need to leave. We haven’t even brewed Jordy P’s Magical Togetherness Tea yet! The special ingredient is drugs.
Riley: I never would have guessed.
Stacy: You know what… I’m kinda… feeling like heading off myself. Can I catch a ride with you, weird gray girl?
Riley: [forceful] Not a fucking girl. Gender is a construct. Can I please have some space?
SOUND: Glasses clinking and dirt grinding as Norm rushes to his feet.
Norm: I go where Stacy goes!
Jordan: I…SAID…
SOUND: Woosh of fire and glass shattering as Jordan throws a bottle into the campfire.
Jordan: [Echoing shout] NO ONE LEAVES!!
Riley: Hi Jordan, I’m no one. Bye!
SOUND: Jordan screams, audio picks up many feet running.
Jordan: [Yelling, his voice getting softer] All I wanted was to give you all the magic of experiencing the perfect summer camp for adults! You could have recaptured your youth, except the sense of innocence is replaced with constant intoxication! But you’ve squandered the opportunity… and now you’re gonna pay for it.
Stacy: Quick, get in the bush!
Norm: So forward… I like that in a woman.
Riley: You fucking mistake of a human being, she means the shrub.
Evelyn: [gasps] I hear him coming!
SOUND: Rustling of bushes, then heavy, slow footsteps.
Jordan: Come to Jordy! Where is everyone? You can’t hide forever!
Riley: [Whispering, breathing heavily] If we stay quiet, we should be safe.
Evelyn: [whispering] I think it’s working, he’s passing us by!
SOUND: Long silence, then tinkling of liquid hitting dirt. This fades to background and persists throughout the scene.
Stacy: Eww, Norm are you…peeing?
Norm: I’m sorry, I’ve been drinking all night and it’s a stressful situation! Stacy, don’t look, I don’t want you to see me like this!
Riley: God, I’m gonna rip off your—
Jordan: [very close to recording device] Well hey there, fellas!
SOUND: Jordan gets PUNCHED. He falls to the floor and groans.
Stacy: There’s more where that came from, shitbag!
Evelyn: [impressed] Wow, Stacy is kind of a secret badass.
Riley: [extremely stressed] Great. Maybe next she’ll master getting my pronouns right.
SOUND: Tinkling ceases. Zipper noise.
Norm: Okay, I think that’s all of it, let’s go!
Riley: [through gritted teeth] I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this…!
SOUND: Several sets of footsteps running again.
Riley: Quick, to the canoe hut! If we can row out into the middle of the lake, we’ll be safe. Everyone knows ukuleles don’t work on open water.
Evelyn: That’s true! It’s a commonly known fact!
Stacy: Follow me, I was rowing captain back in highschool!
Evelyn: I could kind of follow her anywhere. Riley, coming to camp has worked, I think I’m moving on!
Riley: That’s great, Ev, we’ll celebrate after we’ve escaped with our lives!
Jordan: [massively distant] YOU CAN’T ESCAPE FUN!
[Breathless reads end here.]
SOUND: Running continues. Soon, a creaky, old wooden door opens, everyone enters, and the door slams shut. Norm banging on the door.
Norm: [muffled] Come on guys, let me in!
Stacy: You should’ve run faster, scrub!
Evelyn: Riley! Help him!
Riley: Maybe Jordy will tire out his murdering arm beating Norm to death?
Evelyn: [warning] Riley…
Riley: Okay, fine!
SOUND: Door opens and Norm rushes through.
Norm: Quick, he’s gaining on us!
Stacy: He’s just walking! How does he keep catching up!?
SOUND: Doors being pushed shut. Creaking then slamming.
Evelyn: [hesitant] Uhh… Riley…?
Riley: What is it-- Why are there no fucking canoes in here!?
Stacy: WHAT!? FUCK!
Norm: That explains why kayaking kept getting cancelled.
Evelyn: Jordy must have taken them so we couldn’t escape!
Riley: Or they’re all at the bottom of the lake with the counsellors he drowned.
Norm: Uh, that was just a story. Duh!
Riley: I swear, you meathead, I’m hungry, tired, and on edge. I WILL FUCKING DEVOUR YOU, SO DON’T TEST ME!
Norm: You mean, in like, a sexy way?
Riley: NOT IN A SEXY WAY!
Jordan: [muffled from other side of door] Come out, come out, my happy, happy campers… Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you, I’m only going to KILL YOU! [complete change in demeanour] Oh! My fitbit is saying I just hit 40,000 steps! Nice!
Stacy: [smug] Mine says 50,000.
Evelyn: Quick, there’s a side door over there!
Riley: Yo, humans, through here!
Norm: Oh sweet, a convenient exit.
SOUND: They barrel through a conveniently-placed door and continue running.
Jordan: [growing distant once more] [forced friendliness] I’m getting really tired of chasing after you crazy kids!
Riley: I know this is a tense moment and all, but I’ve got to go on record and say I’m impressed with the battery life of this phone!
Norm: [Breathless] Quick, to my cabin! It’s the closest! And it has the hot tub - so if anyone wants to get naked and maybe do some pre-death skinny dipping, whatever happens, happens, you know?
SOUND: Footsteps on wooden planks, then the sound of a door slamming.
SOUND: Heavy breathing of everyone in a confined space, trying to stay quiet
Riley: [extremely tense, still panting] This better be the last fucking hiding place, because I’m reaching my limit here.
Jordan: [Echoing from outside, calling] Comedy comes in threes, Riley!
Stacy: [Strained whispering] Oh em gee, we are SO gonna die!
Evelyn: [Huffs] Speak for yourself.
Riley: [In the background throughout] I hate this I hate this I hate this… I am not okay.
SOUND: A thump against glass.
Jordan: [Muffled, but close] FOUND YOU!
SOUND: Tinkling happens again.
Riley: Are you fucking kidding me!?
Norm: It’s a nervous tick! Don’t look at me!
Stacy: [sounding resigned] Fuck it. Take Norm! I saw him playing Cookie Clicker earlier!
Norm: Hey--
SOUND: Shuffling of feet, indicating a struggle, the door is opened.
Norm: But the hot tub!
Stacy: Don’t worry, Norm, whatever happens, happens.
SOUND: She pushes him. The door is slammed shut once more. Muffled blunt force trauma sounds. Strings breaking.
Jordan: [Muffled, from the outside] ISN’T THIS MORE WHOLESOME FUN THAN MOBILE APPS, NORM? ISN’T IT?
SOUND: The banging becomes a crunchy splatter.
Riley: I’m, super, super, supersupersupersuper, super over this now.
Stacy: Just shut up and hide! He can’t kill all of us!
Evelyn: [Sounding very worried] Uh… Riley? Why aren’t you hiding…? You’re looking really… twitchy.
Riley: [heavy breathing] I’m done! I’m done with all this shit! I-I can’t! I just-- I’m--
SOUND: Door smashes open.
Jordan: HEEEEERE’S JORDIE-- Oh god, wait!
SOUND: Sounds of struggle, feral animal noises, Jordan screaming, gurgling, a loud thump on wooden floor, blood splatter.
Stacy: Haha ew.
Evelyn: Yeah, I normally just look the other way.
SOUND: The gurgling and struggling stops. There’s a long stretch of silence.
Evelyn: [Clears throat] Feel better, Riley?
SOUND: Riley burps.
Riley: [Satisfied, contented sigh] Much.
Stacy: …Oh my god, wait, if you’re non-binary, does this make me the final girl?
Evelyn: Holy heck… she finally got it!
Riley: I mean, Ev’s already dead so…. Sure, I guess. Knock yourself out.
Stacy: I WON! I’m the final girl! SUCK IT, DAD!
SOUND: Stacy celebrating in the background.
Evelyn: [Sounding calm, happy] So. Wanna head home?
Riley: Yeah. That was actually pretty alright. I’ve had worse experiences in the woods. At least we know who was probably behind all the disappearances around here, even if it wasn't alien-related.
Evelyn: [Hums in agreement] Hey, aren’t you cheesed off you didn’t uncover anything about the Bermuda Triangle?
Riley: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Devastated. But the hunt marches on. [All in one breath] Anyway, I’m gonna call dad now.
Evelyn: Wait! Do you think they’ll need to change the name to “Camp No Counsellors” now that you ate Jordan P?
Riley: Who fucking cares? [Burps] Let's just go home.
SOUND: Phone falls to the ground. Footsteps as Riley and Evelyn walk away.
Stacy: I’m number one! I'm number one! I'm number one!
SOUND: A UFO hovers above.
Stacy: Oh my god, is that a UFO? That's so cool!
SOUND: Tractor-beam noise. Stacy is abducted - Her screams fade.
[A FEW SECONDS OF SILENCE.]
SOUND: Footsteps as Riley approaches.
Riley: Shit, dropped my phone. Lucky catch, I guess. Where’d Stacy go? Whatever. See you next week, everybody!
Evelyn: Stay safe, happy campers!
Riley: Ugh, I never wanna hear that phrase ever again.
SOUND: Riley turns off the recording.
[THE END]