Episode 115: Antisocial Networks
Todd plugs a new social networking project which has unforeseen demonic consequences.
+Transcript
Evelyn: Close your eyes, dear listeners, as we take you back to the idyllic world of the Internet in 2003.
SOUND: Off-brand, early-2000s alt-rock begins to play.
Evelyn: It was a time before smartphones, Facebook, and even…
Riley: Good music.
Evelyn: Shush. There were chat rooms on every conceivable subject, from early 2000s alt-rock to people trying to find love in a lonely world.
Riley: And the resolution on dick pics was at an all time low.
SOUND: The music peters off.
Evelyn: Riley!
Riley: What? I’m just pointing out the positives.
Evelyn: Every time I try to do a nice intro, you come in and Riley all over it.
Riley: In that sense, I’m not unlike a dick pic: Nobody asks for me, but nobody can stop me.
Evelyn: Well, you have the first part right.
Riley: [Amused] Evelyn, did you just call me a dick? I didn't know you had it in you. Almost brings a tear to my eye...
Evelyn: [Sighs] And we’re done. Roll the--
SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.
Evelyn: --Intro.
Riley: The “missed connections” section on Craigslist isn't intended for finding new people to sew onto your human centipede, but it's not explicitly against the rules, either. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I'm Riley, your best...well, you know how the intro goes.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your guide to the internet of the early 2000s, because that’s when I died.
Riley: In case it’s escaped any of you eagle-eared listeners, today we’re talking about social media, and how it’s gone from anodyne distraction to full-on blight on society.
Evelyn: You’re not going to quote that Idiocracy movie again, are you?
Riley: It was prophetic.
Evelyn: I’m not going to watch it, Riley.
Riley: You wouldn’t get it, anyway.
Evelyn: Do you know what else I don't get? Snap. Why even post something that vanishes in seconds?
Riley: Are you just mad because any and all pictures of you vanish in seconds unless we post them somewhere?
Evelyn: No, it’s dumb for completely different reasons. Anyway, what's the deal with Facebook?
SOUND: Riley groans.
Riley: Don’t get me started on Facebook.
Evelyn: That’s literally exactly what I'm trying to do, for once. Go on, get all Riley’d up.
Riley: Oh sure, crank the hurdy gurdy and I’ll do a dance for you.
Evelyn: The listeners will get to know how smart you are.
Riley: Okay so, Facebook is like MySpace for senior citizens. It's full of bots, scams, and boomer memes.
Evelyn: What’s a boomer meme?
Riley: Doesn’t matter, they’re all just gray squares with the word “Breed” bolded in the center.
Evelyn: You know, that reminds me of a classic meme from back in the day.
Riley: Bracing for maximum cringe.
Evelyn: [Way, way too pleased with herself] What’s the matter, Riley or should I say… You mad, bro?
Riley: Evelyn, that’s not what memes are anymore.
Evelyn: You mad, bro?
Riley: Evelyn. Please.
Evelyn: You mad--
Riley: YOU MUST STOP! Anyway, let me show you some real memes…
SOUND: Frantic typing; clicking.
Riley: Feast your eyes on this.
Evelyn: I can’t quite read the lettering.
Riley: That’s the point. It’s a deep-fried meme.
Evelyn: I prefer the frog on the unic ycle. He seemed like a nice guy. “Oh shoot, what’s up?” [Laughs to herself]
Riley: How about this one?
Evelyn: Huh...
Riley: And this one. And this one! Oh, and this one is a classic.
Evelyn: It feels like the punchline to most of these is depression.
Riley: Pain is the bedrock of all comedy.
Evelyn: Why can’t there be more wholesome memes?
Riley: There are, but only people like you find them funny.
Evelyn: [Beat] You mad, bro?
Riley: Much like you, Evelyn, that meme has been dead for a long time.
Evelyn: How can a meme die? Comedy lasts forever.
Riley: Memes die all the time. And every year, their life cycle gets shorter. In our hyper-saturated online culture, memes become mass-adopted so fast that a lot of the time they're dead before most people even notice them, like catching the light of dead stars at night.
Evelyn: So, as soon as everyone is in on the joke, the joke dies?
Riley: Well, yeah. You don’t want a bunch of normies telling your jokes.
Evelyn: I don't get it. Isn't it more fun when everyone’s involved?
Riley: It’s all fun and games until it ends up on Ellen, and every wine-mom in the country is suddenly comparing themselves to Bad Luck Brian or some shit.
Evelyn: Still, don’t you think it’s a little stuck-up to keep the best laughs to yourself?
Riley: Whoever laughs last, steals the laughter from everyone else.
Evelyn: Way to turn trading funny pictures into the freaking stock exchange.
Riley: The meme economy is a cruel mistress; the little guy always gets crushed. But hey, that's the free market in action. Thanks, Adam Smith.
SOUND: Boom! The wall of the basement explodes as Czernovich the Gargoyle steps into the room.
Czernovich: [Deep evil voice] Riley Almanzor! Evelyn Hooper! Your time has come!
Riley: Great, just dealt with the roach problem and now there's gargoyles in the fucking walls.
Evelyn: What is it with you and walls?
Riley: Newsflash: You’re not supposed to walk through them, Evelyn!
Czernovich: My master sent me here to deliver a message.
Evelyn: Do we have to sign anything? Cause we may be here a while. I need to work on my poltergeist-eye-coordination.
Riley: Power roll!
SOUND: Riley rolls across the ground, and grabs a crossbow from under the table. We hear it being loaded.
Riley: Whoever said ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ wasn’t a messenger shot by me!
Evelyn: Not the crossbow, Riley. He’s made of stone!
Riley: Oh, come on, you never let me use the crossbow!
Czernovich: Wow, that’s actually a pretty sick-ass crossbow. It might even tickle.
Riley: Let’s try it, Goliath. You feeling lucky, punk?
Evelyn: Yeah, you mad, bro?
Riley: [Sternly] Evelyn.
Evelyn: How come you get to make references?
Riley: Well, mine was organic, yours was forced.
Czernovich: Guys, if you don’t mind, I have a job I need to do.
Riley: And we’ve got a podcast to record, so make it snappy.
Evelyn: If you’re here to kill us, I ask that you kill me first.
Riley: Evelyn, what are you doing?
Evelyn: [whispering] Chillax, Riles. Little does he know, I’m already dead.
Riley: But everyone knows you’re dead!
Czernovich: I haven’t come here to kill you.
Evelyn: Oh, good. Why are you here, then?
SOUND: Czernovich lifts something made of glass.
Czernovich: Look into my magic mirror.
Riley: You’re not gonna do a makeover, are you? Cause last time, that didn't end well.
Czernovich: Dude, just look at it, please. I’ve got birds to feed and I don't get paid to take sass.
Riley: Sure, fine, whatever.
Evelyn: For the record, I get nothing from mirrors these days.
Czernovich: My master will see you now.
SOUND: Old skype jingle begins to play.
Riley: Oh.
Evelyn: My.
SOUND: A Skype BLOOP as the call is received.
Todd: Todd! How’s it going, Riley, Evelyn? Thanks for having me on the show. It’s been, what, nine episodes? I've missed you guys!
Riley: [Gritted teeth] Ten. It’s been ten episodes.
Todd: Ah well, time flies when you're making fiends.
Evelyn: Did you mean friends?
Todd: Nope! [Evil laugh]
Riley: You’re paying for that wall your goon just destroyed, Todd.
Todd: Czernovich, you busted a wall?
Czernovich: Sorry boss, I didn’t want to go in through the front door. The ghoul’s mom intimidates me.
Todd: Intimidates you? You’re a 7-foot piece of gothic architecture with a gym membership.
Czernovich: I thought it would make a big impact.
Todd: Before I hired you, you were sitting on the roof of a public library in Brooklyn, getting crapped on by trash-fed seagulls. Don’t forget that.
Czernovich: Won’t happen again, boss.
Evelyn: What do you want, Todd?
Todd: Same thing I always want, Evelyn. To swoop in on a marketing opportunity.
Riley: This isn’t more of those Galaxy Brain Pills, is it? Because I don’t know who would even buy those. [Quiet; Humble] But if someone did, how can I cancel my subscription?
Todd: I’m not here for your brain, Riley. I’m here for your social life.
Evelyn: You’re too late, Todd! You’ll never find Riley’s social life.
Riley: Okay, asshole, we’ll hear you out if it gets you out of here faster. We’re willing to cooperate.
Todd: The fact that you’re still holding that crossbow makes me believe otherwise.
Riley: It makes me feel in control!
Todd: Nothing wrong with that. Control just feels good. Which is why you’ll love my new website slash summoning app.
SOUND: Todd’s public-domain-sounding guitar music rides again.
Evelyn: Oh no, not again. He’s playing the music.
Todd: Hell is hot, that’s an established fact, but you know what’s hotter? The fact that finding the right malevolent being just got a whole lot easier. Whether it’s putting up those shelves you've been meaning to get to, or fashioning a spirit totem out of the tongues of your worldly enemies, you can’t go wrong with Ars Socia. That’s right: Ars Socia, the latest product in--
--
[WEIRD AD TIME]
Doppelganger: Hey, there. Are you me? Chances are, you’re probably not. Because I’m nobody. I don’t exist, and you’re you. You’ve always been you. Unless you’re me, being you. Let me explain - Clones R Us provides the finest in identical doppelgangers:
Custom-molded homunculi programmed to look and behave exactly like you. They’ve even got all the same parts you know and love. They’ve got your skin, your hair, your eyes, and even a few extra things you’ve always wished you had. Our motto is “we know you better than you”, because we’ve taken you apart and rebuilt you, and we could do it again and again until it’s perfect.
Satisfied Customer 1: It’s always good to have a little extra me to go around. Ever since I got my doppelganger at Clones R Us, I’ve been twice as happy to be myself.
Satisfied Customer 2: At first, there was a bit of doubt over which one was the real me, but don’t worry: I sorted it out myself. It’s me now.
Doppelganger: No matter who you are, we can be you, and wouldn’t the world be better if there were more people like you? Exactly like you. Down to the very fiber of your being. Deeper than that. Yes. Clones R Us. Because we like you, more than you like you.
[End of weird ad time]
--
Todd: --Because that’s the sort of quality control you can expect from a Todd Family Product. Actual quality may vary between products.
Riley: You just said all of that in one breath. That’s impossible.
Todd: Sure, it’s possible. I owe it all to that summer I spent learning deep-breathing from monks in the Himalayas. Great guys. They stopped being zen when I sold all their enlightenment to my sherpa, but sometimes you have to spend karma to make karma.
Riley: Putting all that aside, this new social network of yours is--
Todd: Cutting edge? The next big thing? The next huge thing?
Riley: It’s literally just seekingarrangment.com but for demons and conjurers.
Evelyn: Riley, what’s seekingarrangment.com?
Riley: I’ll tell you later.
Todd: You can’t knock Ars Socia until you try it. It makes summoning the demon you need as simple as making an account, searching, and clicking a button. Convenience is the only true commodity in the 21st Century.
Czernovich: Actually, boss, I read an article in The Times that said the value of gold has been steadily increasing since 2012…
Todd: I’m sorry, Czernovich, which one of us has the marketing degree? Is it you? Is it?
Czernovich: It’s you, boss.
Todd: Damn straight. You gargoyles have one job: to just stand there and look intimidating. So do that, please, it's what I'm paying you for.
Evelyn: Todd, why don’t you just make your own podcast?
Riley: Do you need some tips for mixing audio? Because I’m not offering.
Todd: Because you already have an established audience; an audience who’ll be able to gain a lot from my wonderful products. [Quietly] Also, any other podcast would edit me out.
Riley: Because I can’t. Because of Evelyn’s ghost audio.
Todd: And it’s my prerogative as a businessman to take advantage of that shortcoming. Don't take it personally: if the world flooded tomorrow, I'd be busy selling ToddBoats.
Riley: Capitalism’s ultimate fate is always gonna be eating itself, Todd. It’s not sustainable. Just by existing, you're shooting yourself in the foot.
Todd: Riley, Riley, Riley. I don't intend on shooting myself in the foot until everybody else is underneath it. That's a Todd guarantee.
Evelyn: You’re the worst, Todd.
Todd: I’m not the worst! There are demons far worse than me, and you're gonna meet them now. Tell me, Riley, what do you look for in a demon?
Riley: The kind that eats trust fund babies and shits out free healthcare.
Todd: Well, you’re in luck! Ars Socia has just the demon for you. With a touch of a button, The Great Duke Flauros is yours to command.
[Beat.]
Riley: Was that supposed to be the summoning? Is he invisible?
Todd: Sometimes it takes a little while for them to respond.
Riley: You seeing anything, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Unless he’s double-incorporeal, no.
Todd: See, I can tell he’s read the message, but he hasn’t started typing yet.
Czernovich: He could be chatting with another magician.
Todd: Then why wouldn’t he wait until he was free to click on the message? It’s just rude to leave me on read like that.
Evelyn: Maybe he was just checking to see if it was important?
Todd: I’m the owner of the App, of course it’s important.
Riley: If the Zucc sent me a message on facebook, I’d delete my account and start a new one under a fake name.
Evelyn: Don’t you already use a fake name?
Riley: Naturally. Can’t Facebook-stalk Riley Almanzor if they’re going by Ally Romanzor.
Evelyn: You’re right. That’s subtle.
Todd: Ah, I can see him typing!
Riley: Oh, good. It’d be awful if you just wasted everyone’s time and money.
Todd: He’s on his way. Three, two, one...
SOUND: Summoning bloop.
Flauros: Who’s the blazing guy with the big fuck-off claws? It’s me, Flauros! You’re welcome! I don’t get paid for this shit!
Riley: Oh god, the levels! He’s peaking the levels!
Todd: Welcome, Flauros. I have summoned you here to demonstrate your capabilities to these non-believing millennials.
Flauros: Do I gotta burn some motherfuckers? ‘Cause I brought a bucket full of duraflame and I’m ready to light something up! Woo! I’m late for my court hearing, y’all.
Evelyn: Should we be concerned? There are a lot of track marks on his arms.
Flauros: Oh shit! Is there asbestos in the building? Flauros hates himself some asbestos! Ha-ha! Flauros hates himself.
Riley: Welcome to the show, Flauros. I was told you ate babies.
Flauros: What the fuck? I didn’t sign up for a witch hunt! This is illegal detainment, I’m leaving. Later, mortals! Summon me again some time!
SOUND: Hang-up bloop.
Riley: I feel like I was just hit by a truck.
Todd: A truck filled with the future!
Evelyn: Ooh! Ooh! I want to pick a demon!
Todd: Loving this energy. What kind of demon do you want?
Evelyn: Do you have any nice ones?
Riley: Ev, they’re demons.
Todd: Ah, but the customer is always right when it suits my narrative. Did you know 40% of all demons used to be angels?
Evelyn: Well, that sounds like a crazy-town percentage. Why did they make the switch?
Todd: Satan offers a better dental plan.
Czernovich: Chipping your teeth on mortal skulls is a pain in the ass.
Riley: Didn’t realize we’d be talking about real problems today.
Todd: Anyway, one fallen angel for Evelyn, coming up.
SOUND: Summoning bloop.
Murmur: Greetings, mortals. I am Murmur, demon of truth. AMA.
Riley: A truthful demon feels kinda like an oxymoron.
Murmur: The truth can be ugly, too. Like your hoodie.
Riley: [Genuinely hurt] But this is my favorite! I wear it every day.
Murmur: That is evident from the ghastly stench.
Evelyn: Riley, stop hogging the demon! This one’s mine.
Murmur: Evelyn Hooper, what is your question?
Evelyn: Wow, you know my name.
Murmur: I would have preferred you to have phrased that in the form of a question, but yes. I know many things, but not everything.
Evelyn: What’s something you don’t know?
Murmur: I can’t tell you. Because I don’t know.
Evelyn: You are honest.
Murmur: Correct. You can be honest too. We’re all acquaintances here.
Todd: See, everyone’s having a good time - Ars Socia is my best idea yet.
Murmur: Do you truly mean that?
Todd: Everything’s sliding towards another bankruptcy and I had no way of knowing that Murmur’s ability to compel the truth worked through magic mirrors. [Beat] Oh, fuck. Can we edit that out?
Evelyn: You’re actually right for once, Todd! This is fun.
Murmur: Now it is your turn to speak the truth, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Hit me! I’m ready!
Murmur: You’re quite the fan of Middle-Aged Tree Men, are you not?
Evelyn: When I was in 2nd-grade, I stole my best friend’s new Redwood action figure out of her backpack and buried it behind the playground so she couldn’t have it. [gasps]
Riley: You were a cool kid, Evelyn. What happened?
Evelyn: Get that demon out of here! I’ve had enough!
Murmur: You secretly wish to confess more because it’s therapeutic!
Evelyn: Todd, make her go away!
Todd: This suits my needs too, so fine.
SOUND: Bloop. Murmur vanishes.
Riley: Kinda weird how these demons always seem to turn on the people who summon them.
Czernovich: It’s almost as if only calling someone when you need something leads to feelings of resentment.
Todd: Well, that wasn’t the optimal use of our time. How about we click random summon? Riley and Evelyn: No!
Todd: I’m gonna click random summon.
SOUND: Bloop. Fred appears.
Fred: Greetings, mortals, I am...oh, hey Riley and Evelyn.
Evelyn: Hi Fred!
Riley: How’s it going?
Fred: Is that mic on? Oh shit, are we live?
Riley: It’s fine. Todd’s here too.
Fred: That guy with his own terrible heaven?
Todd: Premium heaven, thank you! It’s still in beta. If you bought a season pass, you’d be having a great time.
Fred: I don’t think there’s a heaven out there that’d let me in.
Todd: Well, that depends. Do you have any marketable skills?
Fred: I can give one hell of a blowjob.
Riley: Oh, hey, guys? In case it slipped your minds, Ev and I are trying to record a podcast here.
Fred: Shit, sorry, what did you summon me for again?
Todd: Doesn’t matter. We’ll be in contact.
SOUND: Bloop. Fred disappears.
Todd: Well, the random feature seems lucrative.
Riley: How!?
Todd: Let’s give it another go.
SOUND: Bloop. Stolas appears.
Stolas: [Owl noises] Hello, I’m Stolas. Pleased to meet you.
Riley: Hi, Stolas. You’re on Less is Morgue. What’s your thing?
Stolas: I’m an educating demon. Whooooo here would like to learn about astronomy?
Evelyn: I would!
Stolas: Oops, silly me. I meant to say astrology.
Evelyn: Still yes.
Riley: And here I thought you were an expert, Evelyn.
Evelyn: I mean, I dabble, but how often do you get to compare notes with a demon?
Stolas: No speaking in the classroom! Now then, before we can talk about the constellations, I have prepared for us all an invigorating lesson on the history of the asparagus plant. Early man ate asparagus for the pungent properties it leant to their urine. This was not only a source of great hilarity but a perfect method of humiliating other hunting species, such as the wolf.
Riley: I’m so bored.
Evelyn: Yeah, I feel like if my soul was in my body, this would make my soul leave my body.
Czernovich: It’s giving me college flashbacks. Can we move on, boss?
Todd: [Snoring; Jolted awake] Huh? I mean, yes, sure, fine, but not because you told me to.
Stolas: [Beleaguered sigh] No respect for teachers these days.
SOUND: Bloop. Stolas vanishes. Bloop. Happy dog panting.
Evelyn: Ohhh it’s a puppy! But with wings! A wing puppy!
Riley: Aww, it looks big enough to eat. I mean, good enough to eat.
Evelyn: That doesn’t make it sound any better.
Riley: Sue me, I skipped breakfast again.
Evelyn: Hi there, special widdle guy. What’s your name?
Glasya-Labolas: I have many names. In the 14th century, I was known as The Captain of Slaughter. The Byzantines called me Caacrinolaas before I vanquished them. There is a man in Siberia who has given me a new name too horrible to escape his frost-bitten lips. You may call me Glasya-Labolas, and in time, the mighty President of Hell.
Evelyn: Neato. Can I scritch behind your ears?
Glasya-Labolas: I find this acceptable.
Riley: Uh…Evelyn, maybe you shouldn’t get close to that thing. It looks kinda sketchy. Even I think it has creepy eyes.
Evelyn: He’s not so bad. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good, sticky boy?
Glasya-Labolas: [Ecstasy] Yes, yes, more. I am a dirty boy. A filthy boy. Mash my balls with your thumbs.
Evelyn: Okay, none of this now.
Riley: Get him out of here before I need to get a mop, Todd.
Todd: Note to self: background checks.[Beat] Actually, no, too much overhead.
Glasya-Labolas: Wait! I need to be punished! At least spit on me!
SOUND: Bloop. He’s gone.
Evelyn: Congratulations, Todd. You ruined puppies for everyone.
Todd: Puppies are an outdated concept, anyway. Take them off the market and it creates new opportunities for innovation. Which is why I’m proud to introduce ToddDogs, a new adorable pet that will make centuries of inbreeding look really foolish. I’ve got one right here. Say hello, Todd Jr...
Todd Jr.: [wheezing] Purchase me and replace me after the forthcoming update.
Evelyn: Time to leave, Todd.
Czernovich: Yeah, I’m feeling that. Thanks for having me on, Riley and Evelyn.
Riley: I would say come back anytime, but you do work for Todd. So no.
Czernovich: Fair enough.
Todd: No, you granite-brained cretin. Don’t you remember that I control you? Let me tell you, this’ll be real embarrassing to explain to those underfed pigeons you’ve been taking care of when you don't have any seed money. Literally.
Czernovich: You leave Mary-Kate and Ashley out of this.
Todd: I’m just laying out the incentive structure. You have the power here, Czernovich. That is to say, any leftover power that I don’t have. Which is as little as you deserve.
Czernovich: [Grumbles] Okay. I get it. What do you want me to do?
Todd: Well, I don’t want you to do anything violent. Break their property. I’m not held liable for that. Start with the microphone, then the mac.
Riley: You dick! That shit’s expensive.
Evelyn: Quickly, Riley, transform into something!
Riley: I can’t. I told you, I haven’t eaten all day!
Todd: Actually, I changed my mind, you can break their legs too, Czernovich. I mean, why not? I’m feeling spicy.
Czernovich: [Sighs] Prepare for my contractually-obligated wrath.
Evelyn: Fire the crossbow!
Riley: Oh, so now I can fire the crossbow?
Evelyn: Fire the heckin’ crossbow!
SOUND: Crossbow bolt fires, hits Czernovich.
Czernovich: [Giggle fit] What do you know? It did tickle.
Riley: There’s more where that came from…I fucking guess.
Evelyn: You keep distracting him! I’ll possess the microphone and make it run away.
Riley: No, don’t! That’ll fuck it up forever.
Evelyn: Which is worse, me or a gargoyle with surprisingly defined biceps?
Riley: I’m about to find out.
Czernovich: [Reluctant] Okay, Riley. Which’ll it be first? Left or right leg.
Todd: Don’t let them choose, you cement-headed clod. Snap both legs at once!
Czernovich: Nobody likes a backseat leg-snapper, boss. And I can only snap one at a time because I’m carrying this stupid mirror.
Riley: Have you…considered…putting the mirror down?
Czernovich: That’s a good point, actually. Then I could do both at once.
Riley: No, no, no, no, no, I meant metaphorically.
Czernovich: You lost me. I don’t do metaphors, I was a computer science major.
Riley: Look where it got you. Now you’re a glorified donut boy for the Silicon Valley strangler.
Todd: No DNA evidence.
Evelyn: Heck off, Todd.
Riley: Czernovich, wait! It is Czernovich, right?
Czernovich: My friends call me Czern.
Riley: Haven’t you ever wanted something more, Czern? A job is a job, sure, but you shouldn’t have to take shit from that nilla wafer in a tracksuit.
Todd: Less talky, more snappy!
Czernovich: Don’t patronise me. I know this job is for the birds, but I’m doing it for my birds.
Evelyn: Right, but is this what those adorable little pigeons would want? You working for this jerk who treats you terribly?
Czernovich: Well, what can I do? We can’t always get we want - that’s life.
Riley: That’s true. And do you know who keeps it that way? People like Todd.
Todd: People like Todd? Oh Riley, so naive of you. There’s only one Todd. Well, unless you count Todd Jr.
Todd Jr.: [wheezing] Dispose of me in the proper receptacle.
Riley: Even you know that’s not true! Czern, you might think that this guy gave you your life, but it was people just like him who took it from you in the first place. The world is full of liars, and self-interested assholes and, and… Todds! And unless we do something, we’re gonna spend our lives slaving away under the systems that enable them!
Czernovich: That’s all well and good, but I don’t see how I can do anything about that from where I’m standing.
Riley: As long as you are standing, and not doing it alone, he’s the one with every reason to fear you. Gather some of your friends from the rooftops and unionize, baby!
SOUND: Todd gasps in horror.
Todd: Don’t you dare use that horrible word!
Czernovich: By Stolas, you’re right. We gargoyles have stood by and watched as the assholes who ruin the world walk the streets beneath us.
Todd: Wait, Czern--
Czernovich: They put us up there on their banks and skyscrapers to inspire fear, but then they left us in the cold.
Riley: Yes! You’re getting it!
Todd: Let’s just calm down for a second--
Czernovich: No more! No more getting shit on, by seagulls or CEOs! Bring it down! Bring it all down to hell! The gargoyles shall eat the rich!
Todd: Whoa, whoa! I’m sensing some hostility here.
Riley: Do it! Revolution! Gargoyle revolution! Strikes! Picket lines! Swooping down on Wall Street, fucking their shit up!
Evelyn: Yeah, all that stuff! Fight the power!
Todd: Czernovich, wait! I’ll tell security to let you in the building sometimes! I’ll even let you into the employee lounge! I’ll let you sit in the least-used giant novelty beanbag!
Evelyn: Todd.
Todd: You can have my third office, the one with the bird feeder. I’ve never used it, anyway, it’s got your name on it!
Evelyn: Todd.
Todd: Well, technically, it doesn’t have your name on it yet… but it will when I can afford to pay for another monogrammed plaque! [Glitches] And every Friday, it'll be silly tie day, and we’ll all--
Evelyn: TODD!
Todd: What is it!? I’m trying to be civil with my employee!
[BEAT]
Evelyn: You mad, bro?
SOUND: Czernovich grunts, smashes the mirror. Todd’s last yell of anguish echoes and fades. He's gone again, for now.
Czernovich: Well, that was cathartic. Guess he should have offered a company rage room.
Riley: The world is your rage room, my dude. You can fuck shit up for the working gargoyle to your heart’s content.
Czernovich: You’re goddamn right.
Evelyn: Will we ever see you again, Czernovich?
Czernovich: Well, I haven’t even left yet. Mind if I sit down for a bit? I've just been standing and carrying that mirror all day.
Riley: Yeah, sure. There’s a comfy pile of bones right over there.
SOUND: Bones clattering, Czernovich gets comfortable.
Czernovich: Ah, it’s better than Brooklyn.
Riley: While I absolutely hate to admit this, I’d probably be into summoning more demons some time. It’s a shitty app, but it is a lot more convenient than the traditional method.
Czernovich: It’s a decent way to kill time.
Evelyn: The same could be said of all Todd Family Products. They’re perfectly mediocre.
Riley: Well, it’s all a distraction from the fact that the sun’s going to consume the earth and burn us all up in a couple thousand years.
Czernovich: Your math’s a little off, but you got the general idea.
Riley: Well excuse me, Mr. Comp-Sci. Sorry I don't have all your fancy college learning.
Evelyn: If we do summon more demons, can we at least rule out any murderers, perverts, or boring college professors?
Riley: Sure, one sec.
SOUND: Riley typing.
Riley: Just did a search with those filters. No results. Czernovich: Fucking figures.
[END OF EPISODE]