Episode 114: Chortle At Riley's Bones
Riley and Evelyn attempt to get rid of the mountain of bones plaguing the basement. When eating them fails, they head to the internet in search of alternative methods.
+Transcript
SOUND: Distant, angry pen scrawling.
Evelyn: Riley!
Riley: What?
Evelyn: What are you doing over there?
Riley: I’m writing an angry letter.
Evelyn: What for?
Riley: I haven’t decided yet, I always write the “send” address last.
Evelyn: Well. Whenever you’re done with that, I’ve started the recording.
Riley: Shit. I’ll finish this later. Just a sec, I'm coming over.
SOUND: Bones jingle-jangling as Riley wades through them.
Evelyn: Do you think it'd be easier to move if you got rid of all the bones?
Riley: Silence! Let's do the intro and worry about the bones later.
Evelyn: Okay, fine, we’ll do the intro, and then we've gotta deal with these bones.
Riley: Alright. Deal.
Evelyn: Hey everyone! If you're listening to this, it means you probably have at least one ear! Good for you!
Riley: In 2015, a hitchhiking robot called Hitchbot managed to pass through the entirety of Canada on the kindness of strangers alone. It was then beaten to death at a bus stop in Philly. Welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!
Riley: Okay, now we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s address the ivory in the room.
Evelyn: Yes. Let’s.
[INTRO MUSIC]
Riley: If you give me like three days I can probably eat them all.
Evelyn: Three days? I'm surprised it'd take you that long.
Riley: Well, the actual eating would take one day, but I'd be spending two days on the shitter afterwards.
Evelyn: Ew.
Riley: There's not even that many. It just looks like there's more because they're all in one room. It’s an optical illusion, like the Sun or income tax.
Evelyn: Come to think of it, why do you just live your whole life in one room? I feel like I've never actually asked.
Riley: Cause I feel like an intruder in my own family home.
Evelyn: Aw. You made it sad.
Riley: Just to clarify for the people at home: I live down here by choice, but my mom and dad probably prefer it that way. I’m like Sloth from The Goonies. God’s regrettable mistake.
Evelyn: Honestly, I was really surprised when I found out your dad was still in the picture. I thought your mom would have eaten his head after they conceived you.
Riley: That’s a fair assumption. In the high-stakes game of family roulette. I lost the draw. Or my family did. Whatever. Anyway, time for my penance walk. This is gonna be real fun for the listeners.
SOUND: Riley picks up a bone and bites down on it; crunches.
Riley: Oh god, it tastes like chalk. Bleugh. [Gulp] Okay, just six hundred to go.
Evelyn: No matter how many times I see you do that, I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to it.
Riley: [Crunching] You know what? Me either. [Coughs] You leave these long enough, the marrow withers, and you're just left with the calcium.
Evelyn: Say, while we’re on this, what kind of state was my body in when you ate it?
Riley: Are you actually curious? [Crunch] Or are you just trying to make me feel bad again?
Evelyn: I mean, it was kind of the defining moment of my afterlife, so I'm pretty intrigued by the details.
Riley: You were mostly just bones - a little meat left, sure, but nothing to write home about. [Crunch; Groan]
Evelyn: Were they...big bones?
Riley: [Baffled; Annoyed] What?
Evelyn: Well, back when I was alive, sometimes, when people called me fat, I'd tell them I just had big bones. I wanted to know if there was any truth to it.
Riley: They were normal bones, Evelyn. Unless you're the Elephant Man, everyone’s bones look the same. You lose all sense of identity when your flesh rots and your skin sloughs off like a used condom.
Evelyn: Wow. I may be a free-floating ectoplasmic entity, but you always know how to keep me grounded, Riley.
Riley: [Crunch] Speaking of: while you're getting all high and mighty about my bones, I think we should address your little problem.
Evelyn: I don't know what you mean.
Riley: Starts with an “E”, ends with “Ctoplasm.” And it’s fucking everywhere.
Evelyn: So what are ghoul bones like?
Riley: Don’t change the subject! I’m trying to talk about your irritating ghost splooge.
Evelyn: What? I'm interested! Bones are basically today’s topic now.
Riley: They're blue.
Evelyn: O-M-G, that's so cool!
SOUND: Riley crunches more bones.
Evelyn: So you've got gray skin, silver hair, pink eyes, blue bones, and green blood.
Riley: Wait, how do you know my blood’s green?
Evelyn: That time you brushed your teeth too hard and I thought you’d dumped a bunch of green paint in the sink?
Riley: Right, right, I forget sometimes that none of my life is private anymore.
Evelyn: Your body is like a weird rainbow, you never know what's gonna happen!
Riley: Sounds like a motivational picture book for dying kids. [Crunch] Why do I do this to myself?
Evelyn: Okay, that's enough bone-eating - there's gotta be a better way to do this.
Riley: [Crunch] If you can find a more constructive solution than me eating all our problems, believe me, I'd love to hear it.
Evelyn: How about we google it?
Riley: If it'll get you off my back, sure.
SOUND: Riley types.
Riley: “How to get rid of unwanted bones.” And go!
Evelyn: Wow, Reddit and WebMD have a lot of results on this one.
Riley: Evelyn, these are literally all about erections. All of them.
Evelyn: Huh. Wait, what about-- Oh. No, sorry, that one’s about erections, too. Are people with penises okay? It seems so high-maintenance.
Riley: I mean, in some ways, it's easier. Like peeing. When I want to pee in public, I'll always manifest a dick and use the urinal - saves sitting down on some gross, janky toilet seat.
Evelyn: Okay, so, I guess google won't help.
Riley: I could have told you that from the outset.
Evelyn: We could melt the bones in the bathtub with chemicals, maybe?
Riley: Okay, Walter White. When did you become the authority of melting bones?
Evelyn: I saw it in a movie!
Riley: I feel like - even if we could get a bunch of bone-melting chemicals - the resulting noxious fumes would probably kill me. And the CIA would be real disappointed that they weren’t the ones to take me out.
Evelyn: Hmm. Are you sure we can't get your parents to help?
Riley: My mom is Sauron with boobs and my dad is a walking dish-rag. They won't want anything to do with me or this. There's more chance of the devil himself turning up and offering to lend a hand.
[BEAT - SILENCE]
Evelyn: You okay, Riles?
Riley: Sorry, I was just pausing in case he showed up. Weirder things have happened on this show. [Crunch]
Evelyn: Stop eating the bones!
Riley: [Mouthful of bones] I’m making progress!
Evelyn: No, you are not! You've barely made a dent!
Riley: Why do you undermine my achievements like this?
Evelyn: What if we sold the bones to somebody?
Riley: Great idea. Who's gonna buy a few hundred bones? An even more masochistic ghoul? [Burps] God, my body hates me right now.
Evelyn: We’ve got the whole internet at our disposal! People will buy anything. Back during my concert days, ticket scalpers would try to barter for my underwear like all the time!
Riley: [Groans] That seems like so much effort.
Evelyn: Bear in mind - if you sell the bones, not only will you get rid of the bones, you'll also have money.
Riley: [Scoffs] The love of money is the root of all lameness.
Evelyn: But you can use the money to buy something you want. Like that big sword you were telling me about.
Riley: [Gasps] Destiny’s Thorn. You're right!
Evelyn: You may wanna expand on that for the audience.
Riley: Right, right. So Destiny’s Thorn is an authentic-esque European-style broadsword being sold by SwordLesbian69 on eBay.
Evelyn: There are...sword lesbians?
Riley: [Ignoring Ev, carrying on] It also happens to look just like the sword R’lyeh uses in my novel. Therefore, it must be mine. Evelyn: And to buy it, you’ve got to have…
[Hilariously long pause]
Riley: Bone money?
Evelyn: Yes, Riley, Bone money.
Riley: [More Confident] Bone money.
Evelyn: Good! Then we’re on the same page.
Riley: Okay, fine, but just so everyone knows: I’m not following through on this because I’m influenced by someone else’s suggestion.
Evelyn: Deal! Now, where can we sell the bones?
Riley: I guess our first port of call could be the Facebook marketplace.
Evelyn: The what-now?
Riley: We don't have time to get into Facebook right now. That's another episode. All you need to know for now is that it's where randos can sell shit to other randos in their area with minimal murder risk.
Evelyn: Ooh, minimal! I like those odds.
SOUND: Riley types; clicks.
Riley: We’ve got a couple options: Tallahassee Buyers and Sellers, Florida Bric A Brac Exchange, and Sunshine-State-Shit-Hawking.
Evelyn: We should probably use all of them, just to maximise our chances.
Riley: Good idea. Okay, time to take some pictures.
Evelyn: Can I be in them?
Riley: Evelyn, why would you want to be in them?
Evelyn: Because I'm cute.
Riley: Be that as it may, we’re not selling you, as much as I wish I could.
Evelyn: Aw man.
SOUND: Riley’s phone unlocks.
Riley: Is this a good angle?
Evelyn: I have no idea.
SOUND: Click, click, click. Riley takes some pictures.
Riley: Perfect. Now we just upload and caption.
Evelyn: What are you gonna caption it?
SOUND: Riley types.
Riley: “Bones, human and animal. Several hundred. Various body parts.” [Pause] “Lightly used. Teeth marks on some.”
Evelyn: And the price?
Riley: Well, the sword costs $475, so $475.
Evelyn: That seems reasonable.
SOUND: Click.
Riley: Aaaand posted.
Evelyn: Yay! What happens now?
Riley: We wait. I know you can't breathe, but I wouldn't hold your breath. It can take hours, days, or even-- Oh, wait, we've got a comment.
Evelyn: [Reading] “Ryan Loeball.” Huh. Is he holding a machine gun in his profile pic?
Riley: Shut up for a second, I'm reading his offer. [Reading] “I’ll give you $10 for it.” What the actual fuck!? Ten dollars!? I wouldn't shit on you for ten dollars, Ryan! If that is your real name!
Evelyn: I mean, it's probably his real name, Riley.
Riley: Wait, what!? They deleted our post!
Evelyn: But we only just made it!
Riley: They’re trying to silence us, Evelyn, this is how fascism starts!
Evelyn: Message the mod!
Riley: On it.
SOUND: Riley types.
Riley: These fuckers can't keep getting away with this.
Evelyn: Has this happened before?
Riley: It’s a long story. Me and the mods of Florida Bric A Brac Exchange have a colorful history. Like, British empire colourful. It'd take a few hours just to set the scene, let alone do the actual story justice.
Evelyn: The mod hasn’t been online since last night. We've got time.
Riley: You've gotta bear in mind, Evelyn, this isn't the sort of thing you can unhear. Once I tell you, it'll be knocking around in your ghost brain for the rest of eternity.
Evelyn: The last thing I remember seeing before I died was my girlfriend getting splattered by my own brains. I think I can take it.
Riley: Okay, but you better buckle the fuck up, cause this shit’s gonna get intense.
Evelyn: Buckles engaged!
Riley: So it all started when I wanted to buy a used TV for the basement, cause mine was already on its way out - some stringy-haired ghost girl had tried to crawl out of it one too many times for my liking…
--
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Whimsical, almost clownish music begins to play. Barry skids cartoonishly into existence, accompanied by creepy mechanical noises.
Barry: Hey hey hey, kids! It’s me, Barry P. Zsasz, everyone’s favourite brand-safe animatronic bear mascot, and I'm here to tell you why you should pester your parents into having your next birthday party at Pizza Pizzazz-O.
SOUND: Cartoon sound effect.
Barry: Unlike other pizzerias, here you have the comfort of knowing that no actual humans have touched your food. We dispensed with them long ago, due to their inefficient working styles, and propensity to ask for water and food on the job. Yes siree, we took care of those pesky organic chefs, but we didn't waste them! We used every part of our human employees, and now our pizza tastes better than ever!
SOUND: Another cartoonish noise.
Barry: But that's not all! Here at Pizza Pizzazz-O, we've got games that are fun for all the family! We've got arcade machines, with huge cash prizes and blood collateral to the house if you lose!
SOUND: Cartoonish “CHA-CHING!” sound effect.
Barry: We’ve got a ball pit, now with fewer snakes, sharks, and hepatitis-infected needles than ever before! Hardly anyone ever goes mysteriously missing, but if they do, your party gets to eat for half price, and you get a free jug of water for the table!
SOUND: Kids say “YAY!”
Barry: And we've got skee-ball! If you win five hundred tickets, you're legally allowed to leave! And if you win two thousand, you get one free kill that the government can't arrest you for!
SOUND: Arcade machine noises.
Barry: So kids, always remember, next time it's your birthday, if your parents really do love you, they'll take you to Pizza Pizzazz-O. And if they don't? You should murder them in their sleep! [Guffaws cartoonishly] Pizza Pizzazz-O, it’s Bear-able!
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
--
Riley: --And then I told them, “anything that can be destroyed by the truth, deserves to be destroyed by the truth.” And then I deployed the explosives, and lemme tell you, it was over for them.
Evelyn: Wow, that really took a turn. Did you ever get the TV?
Riley: [Confused] TV?
SOUND: Facebook Messenger BLOOP.
Evelyn: Riley, look! They replied!
Riley: Hell yeah, let's get ourselves some vindication!
SOUND: Click. Then a beat.
Riley: No human remains allowed? Oh, come on, that's total bullshit!
Evelyn: They really should make the rules easier to find.
Riley: This is blatant anti-ghoul discrimination. Fuck these groups, I'm leaving all of them - they're nothing to me.
Evelyn: So what do we do now?
Riley: Hmm, I guess I could try eating the bones again…
Evelyn: Riley, no!
Riley: Why won't you let me eat the bones, Evelyn!?
Evelyn: I love you too much to let you eat the bones! There has to be another way.
Riley: Well, I guess there's always Craigslist. We’ll lose the “minimal murder risk”, but I know for a fact they allow you to sell human remains. It's one of their big selling points.
Evelyn: On any other day, I'd be extremely against this, but just this once I think I can make an exception.
SOUND: Riley types frantically.
Riley: Thankfully, my powerful literary skills will allow me to write a new ad with incredible speed!
Evelyn: And my super-charged peppy attitude will let me provide awesome moral support! Yeah!
SOUND: Click.
Riley: Boom, done. And now we wait.
Evelyn: How long are the wait times, usually?
Riley: Ev, Craigslist is like the Wild West. There's literally no predicting how long it'll take to get--
Evelyn: Oh look, we got a reply!
Riley: Shit, that was quick.
SOUND: Click.
Riley: For fuck’s sake, Loeball again?
Evelyn: Wow, this guy is super persistent. He must really want those bones.
Riley: No, Evelyn, this cheap asshole is only offering to pay five bucks this time. If he wanted these bones, he’d offer to pay the very reasonable, sword-leveraging price I’ve given him!
SOUND: Riley types madly.
Evelyn: Riley, why don’t you just ignore him?
Riley: Too late, he’s podcast meat.
Evelyn: Don’t you dare eat him, we already have enough bones in here!
Riley: No, he’s metaphorical meat. I’m gonna drag this coward to the negotiation table, kicking and screaming.
Evelyn: I feel like this isn’t going to be as productive as you think it is.
SOUND: Riley stops typing.
Riley: I wrote him a firm-yet-fair email.
Evelyn: There are a lot of cuss words in that email.
Riley: I think of them as sentence-enhancers. It’ll show him I drive a hard bargain, and that I will not rest until Destiny’s Thorn is mine!
Evelyn: You already have a crossbow, do you really need a sword too?
Riley: I need to think about close-range combat, Evelyn.
Evelyn: You’re already pretty good at that! Just ask Jon!
Riley: Oh shit, Loeball’s replied! Let me see...Are you fucking kidding me?
Evelyn: Oh no, three dollars!?
Riley: This ass-turd thinks he can make a fool out of me. Newsflash, Loeball, only I can do that!
Evelyn: You are the best at it.
Riley: [Missing the point] Thank you! I mean, the nerve of this fucking guy!
Evelyn: Maybe it’s not so bad, Riles. How about you check eBay again? Maybe SwordLesbian69 has lowered the price.
Riley: To three dollars? Come on, Evelyn. Get real!
Evelyn: It’s worth a try!
Riley: [Groans loudly] FINE!
SOUND: Riley types.
Riley: If it’ll get you off my back so I can haggle with Loeball…
SOUND: Riley hits search. There’s a pause.
Evelyn: Uh oh.
Riley: [Voice shaking] It’s...sold. They sold it, Evelyn. It’s gone.
Evelyn: [Nervous] Guess we know who the angry letter is gonna be addressed to now.
[BEAT]
Evelyn: Riley? You okay?
Riley: I’m...fine…I just…
SOUND: Riley bursts into tears.
Evelyn: Oh no!
Riley: [ugly sobbing] Turn the recording off, they can’t know I cry!
SOUND: The audio cuts. Then we’re back.
Riley: [Still sounding like they might cry] Hey listeners, I have never cried in my life and if you think you heard that? No. You did not.
Evelyn: So, now that Riley’s calmed down—
Riley: I was always calm!
Evelyn: We’ve decided we’re going to contact Mr. Loeball directly and give him a piece of our minds. Lucky for us, he had a website with his phone number - www.TheBargainBunker.com. He seems like one of those doomsday prepper types you hear about on the Travel Channel.
Riley: We’re going to record the entire call on speaker, for accountability purposes. And so everyone at home can see it when I own this bottom-feeder with my facts and logic.
Evelyn: And to make sure he doesn’t rip off anyone else.
Riley: Yeah, that too, I guess.
Evelyn: Okay, I’m gonna hit call.
SOUND: Phone ringing. Loeball answers.
Ryan: Bargain Bunker, it’s a bunker and we got bargains. How much-
Riley: This is Riley Almanzor, you coward. You will face me.
Ryan: ...This is who-now?
Riley: YOU WILL FACE ME AND WE WILL DUEL LIKE MEN.
Evelyn: This maybe isn’t the best way to start the conversation, Riley.
Ryan: Okay, look, I’m a busy guy, lotta orders to fill before the balloon goes up, so are you gonna order something or not? I got water purifiers, I got generators, I got dick pills-
Riley: You’ve got a lot of nerve is what you’ve got, Ryan Loeball, if that is your real name! You screwed me over!
Ryan: Once again, I’m a busy guy and I screw over a lot of people. You’ll need to be more specific.
Riley: You offered me 10 bucks for 600 very high quality bones on facebook marketplace, and then you offered me 5 bucks on Craigslist. And then three bucks over email! Am I a fucking joke to you?
Ryan: Okay, Okay, fine. I’ll give you two bucks for it. Final offer.
SOUND: Riley screeches.
Evelyn: Listen, mister, we’re trying to be reasonable here and to be perfectly honest, 2 bucks for 600 bones is an absolute joke. And not a funny one!
Ryan: I never joke. Especially not when it comes to money, or bones.
Riley: WHAT DO YOU EVEN NEED THEM FOR?
Ryan: To boil and distil into my trademark Bargain Bunker Bone Milk.
Evelyn: Riley, is that a thing people drink in 2020 or is this guy just a weirdo?
Riley: He’s a weirdo.
Evelyn: Okay, I felt the need to ask, because ever since I found out about asparagus water-
Riley: No, I’m sure it’s not a thing. Hell, I’ve never even heard of bone milk and I’ll drink anything.
Ryan: Bone milk might not be a thing now, but when the balloon goes up, it’ll be the biggest thing since canned bread. It’s a protein rich energy-style drink made from pure boiled bones, bee hair, crumbled moon rocks and natural botanicals. I drink it every day, for vitality.
SOUND: Slurping, followed by Ryan gagging.
Ryan: (clearly holding back urge to vomit) Honestly? Tastes just as good, if not better, than Nesquik.
Riley: What a glowing endorsement.
Ryan: Can I put you down for 600 orders?
Riley: 600?
Ryan: One bone per bottle.
Evelyn: We haven’t sold you the bones.
Ryan: You will. One dollar, that’s my final offer.
Evelyn: You said two dollars before!
Ryan: 50 cents.
Riley: How much does the bone milk cost?
Ryan: 16 dollars a bottle, and you need to sign a waiver that says you can’t sue me.
SOUND: Evelyn and Riley both scream in frustration.
Evelyn: This guy might be the worst person in the world, Riley.
Ryan: I can hear you.
Evelyn: [demonic] You were supposed to!
Ryan: Well it doesn’t matter what you think of me, because pretty soon, every dimension is gonna crash into each other and form a singularity, and when that happens I’m gonna be the only person in the world.
Riley: First of all- if that happens, a bunker will not save you.
Ryan: Yeah it will.
Riley: SECOND of all, why are you so cheap if you’re so convinced the universe is gonna collapse?
[Beat]
Ryan: 25 cents.
Riley: That’s not an answer! Answer my question, Loeball!
Ryan: I don’t want to.
Riley: I WILL HAVE YOU DOXXED.
Ryan: 10 cents. It’s gonna go down every time you yell at me.
Evelyn: What is wrong with you?
Ryan: 5.
Evelyn: You mother-
Riley: [cutting her off] Listen, Loeball, I’m not gonna buy your bone milk, and I’m not selling you my bones, do you hear me? I’m gonna have you blacklisted from every online marketplace in Tallahassee for your crimes.
SOUND: Ryan laughs.
Ryan: Oh sure, sure, that’s what they all say. But they always change their minds. I’m the best haggler in Florida. I bought a cybertruck on store credit. When I go to Trader Joe’s for my groceries, they pay me. Earlier today I got an authentic-esque european-style broadsword for one dollar! And they comped me on the delivery!
Riley: You...you bought a what now?
Evelyn: Riley, calm down, it might not be the same sword-
Riley: What was the name of the sword, Loeball?
Ryan: Destiny’s Child or something like that. I’ve been using it to unclog my toilet. Nothing else is strong enough.
Riley: What??
Ryan: All the calcium from the bone milk causes really heavy-duty shits.
Riley: YOU ARE A HEAVY DUTY SHIT! Destiny’s thorn deserves to be treated like a lady, not a pair of common poop scissors! You will never have my bones!
Ryan: Okay, but can I still put you down for-
Riley: No! You can stick that bone milk straight up your dick hole!
SOUND: Riley hangs up.
Riley: Well, we both named and shamed him. I feel a little better, though I’m still fucked up over the fact that Destiny’s Thorn is in the hands of such a duplicitous manlet.
Evelyn: Now we can focus on selling the bones again.
Riley: Yes, let’s.
SOUND: Riley types and clicks.
Evelyn: Hey Riley, quick question.
Riley: Is it about the fact that I said ‘poop scissors’?
Evelyn: Yes.
Riley: Ask Jon. He knows.
Evelyn: I hate that response.
SOUND: Riley gasps excitedly.
Riley: Evelyn! Evelyn!
Evelyn: Riley! Riley!
Riley: A buyer!
Evelyn: A buyer?
Riley: A bone buyer!
Evelyn: Someone to buy our bones?
Riley: They say they're interested in the bones and they're willing to pay sticker! Holy hell, Evelyn, this is amazing!
Evelyn: Oh gosh, that's perfect!
SOUND: Riley types.
Riley: [Cackles] Eat my entire ass, Loeball.
Evelyn: When are they coming to collect?
Riley: Huh. Weird. It says here that she’s coming now.
SOUND: Magical BOOM! Lilith appears.
Lilith: Greetings, Salespeople! I'm Lilith, but you can call me Lily. I'm here for your bones.
Riley: [Frustrated] When did the subtle art of knocking die?
Evelyn: Hey Lily! Welcome to Less Is Morgue!
[BEAT]
Riley: She can't hear you.
Lilith: Can't hear who?
Riley: Exactly.
Evelyn: Aw rats.
Riley: I'm Riley, my spectral associate here is Evelyn. You're on Less Is Morgue, our podcast.
Lilith: Oh sweet! I love podcasts.
Riley: And I love being able to move around my basement without wading through a tide of bones. I understand we can help each other here. It’s been a really long day and some previous customers have been...less than cooperative. So, let’s cut right to the transaction.
Lilith: Right! I’ll take all this off your hands and get going. Thanks for letting me collect on such short notice. I’d dig them up myself but all the cemeteries started installing razor wire on the fences.
Riley: God, razor wire, it’s the bane of my existence.
Lilith: Amen to that.
Riley: Oh, and can I get your full name? I need it for the show notes.
Lilith: Of course, dear. It’s Lilith Winterhold.
Evelyn: That’s an awesome name. Tell her I said that.
Riley: Evelyn says she likes your name.
Lilith: [Touched] Thank you! I got it from Skyrim.
Evelyn: What’s Skyrim?
Riley: This episode is running long already, we really don’t have time.
SOUND: Bones begin to clatter. They clatter throughout the scene as Lilith picks up the animal bones.
Evelyn: Ask her what she's gonna use the bones for!
Riley: Oh, I don't care.
Evelyn: Our listeners might!
Riley: [Groans] Evelyn, we’ve already wasted valuable and finite brainspace on knowing Bone Milk exists. Do you really want to—
Evelyn: C’mon, Riley! Don’t be rude!
Riley: [Sighs] Fine! [To Lilith] So, Lilith, what do you want all my bones for? To make some kind of injectable muscle supplement?
Lilith: Oh no. Nothing like that, it’s for my online business. I sell bespoke bone jewellery on Etsy.
Riley: That’s a relief. What’s the name of your store? We’ll plug it.
Lilith: It's called Bone Daddy’s.
Riley: [Exhausted] Of course it is.
Lilith: We mainly sell necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. You've got a bunch of small mammal and bird skeletons here, they’re just the right size.
Riley: But why bones?
Lilith: Reusing pre-owned organic materials is far better for the environment.
Riley: Us ghouls were into vulture culture before it was trendy. Just sayin’.
Evelyn: What about the human bones? They're a little, uh, big for jewellery.
Riley: [Stage whisper] I’m not gonna ask her that. What if it scares her off? We’ve already lost the sword, we can’t afford to lose the sale!
Evelyn: Just ask her! It'll be fine!
Riley: What about the human bones, Lily? Kaiju earrings? Custom toilet seat covers? Skull ashtrays?
Lilith: [Laughs] Oh, no, no, I only turn the animal bones into accessories. The human ones are for my skeleton army.
[BEAT]
Riley: Beg your pardon?
Evelyn: Huh?
Lilith: My skeleton army. You know, a horde of animated skeletons? Alive-animated, I mean, not The Black Cauldron-animated.
Riley: [Baffled] To quote my co-host: Huh?
Lilith: Oh, I'm a necromancer, didn't I mention that?
Riley: No, Lily. You did not mention that. So you can resurrect the dead?
Evelyn: [Excited] Can she make me a body? I have sixteen years of cake and haircuts to catch up on.
Lilith: Only skeletons, I'm half way through my degree.
Evelyn: [Sigh] So close, yet so far.
Riley: What kind of things do you use a skeleton army for?
Lilith: [Laughs] I mean, there are plenty of uses. Such as smiting my enemies with hordes of unkillable warriors, who rend their flesh with bony fingers until there’s nothing left but another husk to obey my every command. Little by little, forming a gray sea of domination and death from which none can escape.
[Beat]
Riley: Well, fuck.
Lilith: They also help me make my jewellery products. I’m actually the leading seller of bone jewellery on the entire website. All my competitors tragically passed away in skeleton-related accidents. They’re part of the army now.
Riley: So you run them like a skeleton sweat shop.
Lilith: Technically, they don't have skin, so they can't sweat...but yeah, I guess. I think of them more as a family, just one that also makes me money and kills guiltlessly on my command.
Riley: So like the Jacksons?
Lilith: Close enough. Just a little less dysfunction and abuse.
Riley: Seems a little weird.
Lilith: Raising the dead? Please. The barrier between life and death has all the integrity of a fresh-cooked soufflé. I mean, you hang out with a ghost!
Riley: No, I mean making your own family. It's normally the other way around.
Lilith: [Incredulous] What? That's even more common than necromancy. People do it all the time. Sure, they don't always use animated skeletons, but the family you're born with doesn't always have to be the one you're stuck with.
Riley: I'm not sure I follow.
Lilith: Sometimes you have a shitty family. Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of us. But it's like your default stats on a video game - just a starting point. You build new stuff from there. New parents, siblings, cousins, loyal deathless assassins. Whatever. You pick ‘em up as you go, and the ones who really care about you, well, you can keep them.
SOUND: Lilith continues to harvest the animal bones.
Riley: Huh. I guess you've got a point.
Evelyn: [Gasps] Riley, do you know what this means?
Riley: What?
Evelyn: It means I can be your mom now!
Riley: No.
Evelyn: I can remind you to eat your vegetables! And make you feel valued!
Riley: No.
Evelyn: Don't talk back to your mother like that, Riley!
Riley: Enough! This is getting way too Oedipal for my tastes!
Lilith: [Sighs] Okay, got ‘em. Looks like we’re done here.
Riley: Are you kidding!? You've only taken the animal bones. What about the rest?
Lilith: Oh, they can walk out on their own. Watch.
SOUND: Lilith claps twice. Rattling as the bones get up.
Riley: Holy fuck.
Evelyn: There’s spooky, scary skeletons everywhere!
Lilith: Okay boys, up and out. We've got a bunch of orders that need filling.
SOUND: Bones rattling as the skeletons leave. Door opens, then slams.
Lilith: So that’s that, then. We good?
Riley: I mean it's not quite that. Where's the money, Lilith?
Lilith: I’ll Paypal you. Laters!
Riley: Actually, wait!
Lilith: Huh?
Riley: Forget the money. Can I ask for a favour instead, from one misfit to another?
Lilith: Well, my dear, that would depend on the favour.
Riley: I’ll whisper it to you.
SOUND: Riley shuffles over, and whispers in Lilith’s ear. Lilith giggles.
Lilith: Oh, how delightfully diabolical!
Riley: Do we have a deal?
Lilith: Consider it done, dear.
Riley: Pleasure doing business with you.
Lilith: Toodaloo!
Evelyn: Bye, Lilith!
SOUND: Magical BOOM! Lilith is gone.
Evelyn: Why didn’t you take the money, Riles?
Riley: Well, Ev, seeing as we lost the sword, I figured - rather than asking for money, I could make an investment in my emotional needs.
Evelyn: That’s very mature of you, Riley.
Riley: Maybe don’t congratulate me just yet.
SOUND: Riley typing on their phone.
Evelyn: What are you doing?
Riley: Calling Loeball.
Evelyn: Oh, Riley, come on. That jerk will just get you all riled up again.
Riley: Not this time, Hooper.
SOUND: The phone rings. Then Loeball picks up. In the background of his call, there’s the jangling of bones as the skeleton army attacks.
Riley: Hey, Ryan! What’s up? I catch you at a bad time?
Ryan: Oh god, they’re everywhere. They’re everywhere!
Riley: What’s wrong, Loeball? You’re getting the bones for free! You really are the best haggler in Florida.
Ryan: Oh god, oh god, they’re clawing at me!
Riley: Good thing you drank all that bone milk, or you’d have no chance.
Evelyn: Uhhh...This might be a little much, Riley.
Ryan: My eyes, oh shit, they’ve got my eyes! [Screams]
Riley: You sound like you’ve got your hands full, so I’ll leave you to it.
Ryan: Fuck! Gimme back my spleen! [Screams again]
SOUND: Riley hangs up.
Riley: [Sighs contentedly] All's right with the world again.
Evelyn: Did you just…
Riley: Probably best not to think about it.
Evelyn: Good idea.
Riley: I have those, occasionally.
Evelyn: And hey, at least we got rid of all the bones.
Riley: Yeah, that's a plus. One of the handful of times in history we've set out to accomplish a task and actually fucking done it.
Evelyn: You make me the proudest mom in the world!
Riley: No.
Evelyn: How about I take you to Pizza Pizzazz-O as a treat?
Riley: That's not funny, you know I've been banned.
Evelyn: [Giggles] Turn that frown upside down, kiddo!
Riley: I will go Norman Bates on your ghostly ass, Hooper.
Evelyn: Wow, and here I thought I raised you right.
SOUND: Riley groans and Evelyn laughs.
[END OF EPISODE]