Episode 113: Little Workshop Of Horrors
Riley turns the topic of conversation to their fantasy novel: The Sword of R’lyeh, and their inability to get a good beta reader for it. While Evelyn tries to manage Riley’s raging creative ego, Shaz - the guest from episode seven, now no longer high - recruits their friend Murray to act as Riley’s latest beta reader.
+Transcript
Riley: Okay, listeners, now we’re back in the basement, we’re going to discuss something important: literature. Specifically, literature written by the greatest undiscovered writer of their, or honestly, any generation: Me.
Evelyn: I think an opening like that is gonna turn people away, Riles.
Riley: Good. I hope it does. Cause anyone who gets turned away by that opening wasn’t strong enough for the awakening my novel is gonna give them. They’re gonna look back on that opening like it was a treasured childhood memory.
Evelyn: Can we at least do the--
SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.
Evelyn: Intro first? Before you blow anyone’s mind too hard?
Riley: Fine. Do the intro, then we’ll get literary.
Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means you like comedy podcasts, and you’re in the Berenstain universe!
Riley: In 2016, Microsoft released an experimental, learning AI called Tay onto Twitter. It took less than 24 hours for Tay to become a hard-right, homophobic white supremacist. Officials at Twitter considered the experiment to be a resounding success. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.
Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!
Riley: This is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.
Evelyn: And today, we’re talking about books and writing!
Riley: My books and writing.
Evelyn: Personally, I was a huge fan of Judy Blume, the Baby-Sitters Club, and Sweet Valley High.
Riley: [disgusted] So all YA stuff?
Evelyn: You got a problem with YA stuff?
Riley: I mean it’s not like…
Evelyn: Not like what?
Riley: Real literature.
Evelyn: Riley, you write fantasy. Aren’t people literally always crapping on fantasy?
Riley: I write fantasy for adults. And highly sophisticated adults, at that. Like that human on youtube, with the beard and the eyepatch.
Evelyn: What does that even mean?
Riley: You know, the one who did a dramatic reading of the first chapter. They said it was a ‘soon to be classic of literature’. And, while I think that’s under-selling it-
Evelyn: No, what does ‘for adults’ mean?
Riley: Well, more complex characters, more interesting themes--
Evelyn: But YA has all that stuff, too. Especially these days.
Riley: What do you even know about books “these days”? You’ve been dead since the early oughts.
Evelyn: You know, when you’re asleep, I mostly listen to audiobooks. I’m pretty caught up.
Riley: Shhhh! Don’t tell the listeners I sleep, it’ll undermine their perception of my power!
Evelyn: Point is, YA stuff does have great characters and complex themes. A Series of Unfortunate Events is dark and mysterious. The Hunger Games has awesome worldbuilding and really smart political subtext. Percy Jackson and the Olympians has great, complex characters. “Adult fiction” at its best is just the same stuff with more blood, sex, and swearing! And at least YA gives kids hope for positive change - adult fiction acts like giving up and doing nothing is cool cause the author’s already done it.
Riley: [genuinely surprised] Wow, Ev. I didn’t really peg you as the...I dunno, bookish type?
Evelyn: I was an English major in college! I wrote my thesis on queer themes on fairytales! Just cause I’m cheerful doesn’t mean I’m dumb. I just don’t feel the need to constantly prove how smart I am to people.
Riley: Well, in that case, wanna help me with my book?
Evelyn: Sure!
SOUND: Papers rustle.
Riley: So, it’s called “The Sword of R’lyeh.”
Evelyn: You have mentioned it before.
Riley: I released the first chapter on twitter to resounding acclaim.
Evelyn: Resounding?
Riley: Acclaim. Josh Rubino from Valence described my writing as ‘fearless’, and ‘positively Shakespearean’.
Evelyn: Riley, I’m not sure that-
Riley: Hellcat Press called it ‘glorious’, and that one was in all caps so you know she meant it.
Evelyn: ...Yeah, I’m sure she did, Riley.
Riley: And now, we’re going to explore the rest of it.
SOUND: Riley placing a large stack of papers on the desk.
Evelyn: This looks less like a book and more like a huge stack of different papers you’ve scribbled on.
Riley: It’s a high fantasy about a young ghoul in a world that doesn’t understand and appreciate them, but they fight for the success that they deserve anyway.
Evelyn: Ooh, so it’s autobiographical?
Riley: No. Where did you get that idea?
Evelyn: Oh. Just grasping at straws, I guess. What’s the plot?
Riley: The plot?
Evelyn: Yeah, you know, what happens in it?
Riley: Well, it doesn’t have a traditional plot, as such. It’s more a sequence of vignettes.
Evelyn: Like The Hobbit!
Riley: What!? No, Tolkein was a prelapsarian-fetishising hack. I resist all comparison.
Evelyn: So...what kinds of stuff happens in it?
Riley: All kinds of stuff! Let’s take a look at chapter four, for example.
SOUND: Riley ruffles through paper.
Riley: In this chapter, R’Lyeh gets chased out of the ancient tombs by the guardian spirits.
Evelyn: Ooh, why were they in the ancient tombs? Were they looking for secret treasure, or some kind of magical artefact?
Riley: No, that’s normie shit. They’re there to eat the bodies.
Evelyn: Oh.
Riley: That’s a lot more relatable, I think.
Evelyn: What’s the chapter you wrote on that legal pad?
Riley: A-ha! Chapter Nine! For once, Hooper, I admire your taste.
SOUND: Paper ruffling.
Riley: With this one, I went a little out of my comfort zone.
Evelyn: I’m proud of you! What happens?
Riley: It introduces a romantic subplot between R’lyeh and the waiter at the local tavern.
Evelyn: Oh wow, what’s the waiter’s name?
Riley: Eh, I’m back and forth, but I’m thinking Tobias.
Evelyn: Like that waiter at Pizza Pizzazz-O you told me about!
Riley: Shut up! That’s a total coincidence. No connection at all!
Evelyn: So, tell me a little about the romance!
Riley: It’s kinda one-sided, at first at least. But he comes around.
Evelyn: How does Riley- I mean, uh, R’lyeh put the moves on him?
Riley: There’s some pretty classic romantic tropes here. They vomit out some bird skeletons for him, mark their territory, watch him quietly from the sidelines. It’s a star-crossed romance - the tavern tries to ban R’lyeh, but it doesn’t stop them.
Evelyn: Have you shown this to anyone else?
Riley: I shared an exclusive snippet from one of the chapters in episode five, I’ve posted the first chapter on twitter, and I’ve been to a few different writing workshops, but none of them got it.
Evelyn: What do you mean?
Riley: Let me tell you something about writing workshops and beta readers: 99.99% of them are malicious and exist only to tear you down. They don’t want to see you succeed, they’re just bitter because they haven’t made anything better.
Evelyn: Uhhh...I don’t think that’s quite true, Riley. I mean, aren’t most beta readers your friends? They just want what’s best for you.
Riley: Ha! I’ve cut off so-called friends because they were trying to tear my writing down. I’ve also been banned from the Tallahassee Writers Association, and two different workshops at Tallahassee Community College, because I’ve been willing to speak out about their anti-art bias!
Evelyn: How do you plan on getting it published if you won’t let anyone edit it?
Riley: I’m glad you asked, Ev, because the key is finding a beta reader you can work with. I’ve been through plenty, but I think this new one might just be perfect.
Evelyn: [excited] Is it me?
Riley: No, no, of course not, you’re too personally biased. Remember Shaz?
Evelyn: Of course, we spoke about melty dogs. Are they gonna be the beta reader?
Riley: God no, but they have hooked me up with one. Shaz owed me after last time.
Evelyn: I thought you were cool with that in the end.
Riley: Them turning up high? Yeah, I got over it, but what they did to the bathroom? That, I had trouble forgiving.
Evelyn: What did Shaz do in the bathroom!?
Riley: Let’s just say that not all of Shaz’s “Three Hole Problem” made it into the actual toilet.
Evelyn: Which hole missed?
Riley: Little of each.
Evelyn: Ew.
Riley: Thankfully, Shaz’s best friend is a writer, and doesn’t know me, and thus, cannot have a personal grudge against me.
SOUND: Typing and clicking.
Riley: I sent him scans of my writing, and we’re gonna have our first meeting today over Skype.
Evelyn: On the show?
Riley: Yeah, it fits with today’s topic, so why not? We’ve just gotta wait for Skype to load.
Evelyn: How long will that take?
Riley: Couple hours.
Evelyn: Aw beans.
--
[WEIRD AD TIME]
SOUND: Classic, 1940s gramophone music plays. It’s scratchy and eerie. A man with a polite, refined English accent begins to speak.
Grady: Hello there. Terribly cold out this evening, isn’t it? Please, do step in. It’s so warm in here, and what’s more, there’s a party in the great hall. The one with the gold walls. Yes, we’ve been waiting for you. Having a hard time writing? Need to get away from it all? Need help focusing? We’re here for you. We want to see your masterpiece completed as much as you do. Here, at the Overwrite Hotel’s annual writer’s retreat, we can help.
SOUND: The tapping of a typewriter’s keys.
Grady: Art is making beauty from pain and suffering, writing even moreso. Here at the Overwrite, we can help you spin your demons into gold. We provide free alcoholic beverages, courtesy of the house. Inspiring companionship in many of our suites. We’ll put all sorts of new, exciting ideas into your head, that will help you produce writing like you’ve never produced before. We’ll help you do things you never imagined yourself capable of. We’ll help you take an axe to writer’s block.
SOUND: An axe strikes wood.
Grady: And, of course, there’s a free continental breakfast that comes with the room. So please, writers the world over, take a trip down to the Overwrite Hotel’s Writers Retreat. Be sure to bring your family.
SOUND: The scratchy gramophone music continues for a few moments, then finally cuts out.
[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]
--
Riley: So while skype’s doing…whatever it’s doing, lemme just read you all the initial email that Shaz sent me, for background purposes.
SOUND: Riley clicks and opens the email.
Riley: [Clears throat] “Subject line- your perfect beta reader. So hey Riley, sorry about how I was drugged up to fuck that time I came to your house. In my defense, I listened to my episode and it’s easily the best one, so I personally believe it was worth it. Anyway, I read your WIP on the plane and it fucking slaps. And I was sober and everything so you know that’s fully valid.
Your shit’s super avant garde, it blew my mind, it’s iconic, and if you don’t send it somewhere you’re an absolute fool. But I also get that you have BPD and you’re on the spectrum and when you’re brainweird in that specific flavour of way, rejection can feel like being physically stabbed in the heart with a pool cue.
I absolutely relate, I’ve got ADHD and I’m living that RSD life. When I was in college I set my professor’s car on fire after he gave me 65 on my abstract triptych. Anyway, all criticism is bullshit because art is subjective but I still think you need a beta reader to help you find all the spelling mistakes and nuts and bolts shit like that.
He’s my work friend and he writes stuff for his job so he knows what he’s talking about but I also know him to be a wiener and a pushover so there is scientifically no way he will cut down your raw creativity. His name’s Murray, here’s his skype contact. Shine on you crazy star beast, next time I hear from you you’d better have a Nobel prize for literature. Shaz out, send email.”
Evelyn: Why would they write ‘send email’ at the end of the email?
Riley: You’ve met Shaz, you know there’s no reason. So there’s your context. I sent the manuscript through last week and I think that’s plenty of time to read something, so I’m gonna call him now.
Evelyn: Shouldn’t you wait until it’s daylight in Sydney?
Riley: Time zones are an invention of the deep state, Evelyn. I don’t believe in them.
SOUND: Skype call noise. It rings for a while before it’s answered.
Riley: Workshop time, let’s go.
SOUND: Riley ‘chop chop’ claps
Murray: [Half-asleep] Who are you?
Riley: Did you read the book?
Murray: What- what book? What book are you- hold on, I need my glasses.
SOUND: Shuffling on the other end.
[Beat.]
Murray: [Nervous] Oh, okay- hi Riley. Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to react like that, it’s just that you are really close to the camera and you look almost exactly like my sleep paralysis demon.
Riley: No offence taken, a lot of people tell me that. Now, let’s get into the weeds- did you read the-
Murray: Please move back from the camera. I can’t talk to you like this.
[Beat.]
Murray: Riley, I’m begging.
Evelyn: C’mon Riley, you’re way too close to the screen. You’re gonna ruin your eyes.
Riley: Okay, sorry.
SOUND: Riley leans away from the screen.
Murray: That’s much better. Thank you. [Pause] Oh cool, that other voice was on your end.
Evelyn: Hi Murray! Sorry we woke you up!
Murray: It’s fine. I’d only been asleep for like an hour anyway.
Riley: Google says it’s 4 AM over there.
Murray: I’ve no control over my life.
Riley: Well, I appreciate your honesty.
Evelyn: It’s a little hard to see you with the lights off, except for the eye-glow. Are you a ghoul, too?
Murray: What? No, no, I’m a werewolf. [Beat] Is it okay if I just sit here in the dark? My hair is awful and I don’t want you to see it.
Riley: It’s fine, it’s an audio medium.
Murray: Shit- You’re recording this!?
Riley: Yeah, keep up. We’re talking about my book.
Murray: Shit- shit…you really putting me on the spot here. I’m gonna go make a cup of tea and just fuckin’…be awake now, I guess.
SOUND: Shuffling and footsteps on the other end.
Evelyn: Maybe we should call him back tomorrow.
Riley: Absolutely not. These are ideal workshopping hours. He’s too sleepy and disoriented to lie to me.
SOUND: Murray picking his phone back up. He slurps his cup of tea.
Murray: Okay, okay, so- the Sword of Riley--
Riley: R’lyeh. It’s not autobiographical, despite what you may have heard.
Murray: Okay, so, I’m up to Chapter Forty-Five--
Riley: That’s the one where R’lyeh destroys the clan of snapback-wearing goblins who shit-talked their mighty steed, Ray-Zor.
Murray: Yeah, I know.
Riley: I’m telling the listeners.
Murray: Okay, sorry, sorry. So I have some…I have a few...there’s like, one or two things I might maybe change? If I were you, I mean. You’re absolutely free to not take any of these suggestions.
Riley: Thanks, I won’t.
Murray: So, there’s a few typos, where you’ve written ‘rouge’ instead of ‘rogue’ and ‘satin’ instead of ‘satan’...[Nervously back-tracking] But, you know, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because I know you did write this by hand so that may just be the pdf fucking up. And on page 500, there’s some sentences that I feel like would be, uh- you’re using a lot of passive voice, so, maybe you could - change that up, if you wanted to.
Riley: I don’t want to.
Murray: [Clearly intimidated] Totally understandable!
Evelyn: Murray, you know that they can’t get you through the screen, right?
Riley: He doesn’t know that.
Murray: I don’t know that.
SOUND: Murray slurps his cup of tea again.
Riley: Do you have anything else you’d like to say about my book?
Murray: Nope. No. All good.
Riley: Are you just saying that because you wanna go back to sleep?
Murray: No. I honestly…no, yeah, I don’t have any more feedback.
Riley: You did read the book, right?
Murray: I did, I did. My favourite chapter was Chapter Ten, the one where, after being rejected by Tobias, R’lyeh goes on a 5-day holy pilgrimage to the Ocean Realm of Rolando. I thought the part where R’lyeh rides a whale into space was really f…. Not funny, it was completely serious and genuinely uplifting.
SOUND: He drinks the tea again.
Murray: Listen, criticism is just...it’s not my thing. So just cut me a break.
Evelyn: Would you like some help?
Riley: Evelyn, no. Your opinion is biased.
Evelyn: I’m your friend, and I want your book to do well. Okay, Murray- let’s give Riley a compliment sandwich. Say two things that worked, and one thing that didn’t in between.
Murray: [Deadpan] Yeah, Evelyn, I know what a compliment sandwich is. [Sigh] Okay, Riley-
Riley: Yes.
Murray: You’re really creative. I really like some of these ideas. But … I … uh … there’s no real story, and it’s kind of, um, nothing has any weight to it, you know? But outside of that, um… I think you’ve done some interesting… nonlinear stuff?
[Beat.]
Murray: Please don’t come through the screen and hit me.
Evelyn: They can’t do that.
Riley/Murray: [Simultaneous] He doesn’t know that/I don't know that.
Riley: I’m calling Shaz. I’m adding Shaz to the call.
Evelyn: Why?
Riley: They mis-sold me this beta reader. He’s broken.
Murray: Hey!
Riley: Silence.
SOUND: Skype ringing. Shaz picks up. There’s music playing in the background, plus the sound of a movie on TV.
Shaz: Oh hi, Riley and Murray. Are you two kids getting along?
Murray: We’re both older than you.
Evelyn: Why aren’t you sleeping?
Shaz: I had two cups of biker coffee at 6 PM. I’ve finished like two weeks worth of work in 10 minutes and I can zoom my vision in and out. It’s amazing. I just cooked 25 different Buzzfeed recipes. I feel like I could kill a person with my mind. Nutella Chicken Pizza isn’t as gross as it sounds. Neither is key lime spaghetti. They actually pair really well.
Riley: Shaz, you liked my book, right?
Shaz: Fuck yeah, baby, loved it! You’re the next Will Self.
Riley: Tell Murray that. He’s trying to stomp on my creativity.
Shaz: What? I’m sorry, what? Quoi?
SOUND: All the background noise on Shaz’s end stops.
Shaz: How dare you.
Murray: They wanted honest feedback! I’m doing my best! I didn’t even say anything that harsh, but Riley just went mad!
Shaz: Murray, you allistic doughnut, of course they did! Riley opened up their soul to you and you just stomped all over it! The Sword of R’lyeh is an avant-garde masterpiece and you just can’t get on the level!
Riley: Yeah, Murray! Get on our level!
Murray: Please stop yelling at me, it’s so early and I’m afraid!
Evelyn: [Demonic] Everyone shut up! You’re acting like a bunch of babies!
[Beat.]
Murray: Well. There’s my nightmares for the next month absolutely sorted.
Evelyn: Sorry, I had to do it. Now- Riley. You’re very sensitive to criticism.
Riley: I’m not, everyone else is just mean.
Evelyn: No. You don’t like feeling stupid, especially in front of people.
Riley: More or less correct.
Evelyn: That’s a very understandable feeling. But, I’m gonna ask you to put it aside, because Shaz and Murray and I are your friends, and we want your work to be successful. We…
Murray: Shaz and you.
Evelyn: - Shaz and I...know you pretty well, and Murray is a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
[Beat.]
Evelyn: Are you on board?
Riley: Mostly.
Evelyn: Okay, good enough. For the rest of the call, if you feel victimised by anything we’re saying, just try and remind yourself that we’re talking about the work, and not you. Nothing is meant to be taken personally.
Shaz: You can’t just say that, Evelyn, God.
Evelyn: Why not?
Shaz: Because all art is an extension of the self. It’s impossible to give criticism without it being personal on some level. I’ll stand by that belief until I die.
Murray: Okay so, without criticism, how do you find the difference between good art and bad art?
Shaz: It’s all a matter of taste. You create for yourself and people with similar tastes will enjoy what you make regardless.
Riley: Right.
Evelyn: Okay, maybe you have a bit of a point there. But this isn’t criticism. This is workshopping. Our focus here is to get Riley’s book to be its best self. You know, it’s like… literary Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Riley: Are you comparing my writing to a schlubby cishet man with bad fashion sense?
Evelyn: No, of course not. I just didn’t wanna say Boot Camp because I know how you and Shaz both feel about fitness culture.
Shaz: I’ll allow it.
Riley: I won’t.
Evelyn: Riley.
Riley: [Reluctant] Nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack, nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack--
SOUND: Murray drinking another sip of his tea.
Evelyn: Murray.
SOUND: He almost chokes mid-sip.
Murray: Oh no, here we go.
Evelyn: What, honestly, but without any personal judgement aimed at Riley, personally, did you think of the Sword of R’lyeh?
[Beat.]
Evelyn: They 100% cannot physically harm you from here.
Riley: He doesn’t-
Evelyn: I do. Go on, Murray.
SOUND: Murray takes a deep breath to prepare himself.
Murray: I get what you were going for. But, to me, as potentially someone who this book isn’t for, I thought it was kind of self-indulgent and aimless. Like, in Chapter Twenty-Four there was this long rant about how expensive movie tickets are and it had no bearing on anything. Really took me out of the story.
Riley: HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP, THAT CHAPTER- [They take a breath] Nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack. [They grit their teeth] So you think I should cut that part?
Shaz: No! Absolutely not!
Evelyn: It’s Murray’s turn to speak, Shaz!
Murray: Yeah, if you were gonna cut anything, for flow or length or what have you, that’d be the logical cut to make.
Riley: [Tense] I see. Thank you for that valuable opinion.
Shaz: Don’t listen to him, Riley! I love all of the weird anachronisms, they’re the best parts! Chapter Twenty-Four is fucking comedy gold! You gotta keep it. Without the weird breaks from the story it wouldn’t be the Naked Lunch-esque romp through your brain that it is, it’d just read like some boring high fantasy novel.
[Beat.]
Shaz: What? Why is everyone looking at me?
Murray: Shaz. Mate.
Riley: [Quietly enraged] Comedy Gold.
SOUND: Shaz laughs nervously.
Shaz: So you...the Sword of R’lyeh is uh…You wrote it unironically, huh?
Riley: Yeah, Shaz. I did.
Shaz: But it’s like... it’s so... It’s just you, and your life. And there’s a bit where you ride a whale to the moon. How is that...How did you not mean for that to be funny?
Riley: It was supposed to be an epic and uplifting reflection on the limitations of gravity.
Shaz: [Defensive] That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and if you didn’t want me to think it was funny, you shouldn’t have put it in there!
Riley: You’re a traitor! Traitor!
Shaz: Oh, yeah? Well, you’re a -
SOUND: Shaz takes a deep breath.
Shaz: [To themselves] Being told I’m wrong isn’t a personal attack, being told I’m wrong isn’t a personal attack--
Murray: You wanna go chill out for a bit, Shaz?
Shaz: Yeah, I think I should. Sorry, guys. Sorry. I am a traitor.
Murray: No.
Shaz: --and a fraud,
Murray: Shut up, you aren’t.
Shaz: --and a hypocrite,
Murray: Cut that out and go take a nap.
Shaz: I will.
Murray: See you Monday.
Shaz: See you Monday.
SOUND: Shaz disconnects from the call.
Evelyn: See, Riley? Lots of people have trouble taking criticism. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Murray: Can I leave now?
Riley: Yeah. Go ahead. Can I call you again later?
[Beat.]
Murray: [Kind of terrified by the idea] Yeah? Sounds good?
Evelyn: I hope you get some sleep, Murray.
Murray: Yeah, me too.
SOUND: The call ends.
Riley: Evelyn?
Evelyn: Yeah?
Riley: Do you think all the people on twitter thought the Sword of R’lyeh was meant to be a comedy too?
Evelyn: Uhh- Not to be mean, but….yeah. I think they did.
Riley: Even the person with the eyepatch?
Evelyn: I think especially the person with the eyepatch. [pause] But that’s not a bad thing! They still like it!
Riley: Don’t you dare try and Greg Sestero me, Evelyn! I’m emotionally devastated! (sighs) At least now I know what I was doing wrong. I’m gonna stop the recording for now. Listeners, I’m gonna give the Sword of R’lyeh some edits and get back to you later.
SOUND: The audio cuts.
Riley: Okay, so it is...the day after our workshop call, and I wanted to update everyone on the things I’ve done to the novel based on the feedback I got.
Evelyn: Did you lean into the unintentional comedy? I thought that might be a good way to make the book stand out.
Riley: No, absolutely not. This book is serious. So, I did some more research on the Middle Ages and cut some of the anachronisms. And I tried to make R’lyeh lose more of their confrontations to make the story have more weight.
Evelyn: That’s a good start!
Riley: And also, R’lyeh has a sidekick now, to provide some levity.
Evelyn: Oh?
Riley: She’s a human bard named Eve and she sings songs of R’lyeh’s bravery, and even though her singing is really bad, she’s R’lyeh’s best friend.
Evelyn: Aw, Riley, that’s so sweet! You put me in the story!
Riley: It’s not autobiographical. I keep telling you this.
[ END ]