Episode 112: The Irate Outdoors
After having real trouble dragging a corpse back into the basement, Riley realises that they’re out of shape. Evelyn attempts to help, suggesting Riley takes a trip out into nature for a hike, but a run-in with a stranded vampire turns a night of casual exercise into a race against time.
+Transcript
SOUND: We open on the unpleasant noise of Riley distantly grunting and straining.
Evelyn: Hey everybody! I hope you're all having a good week. We’re gonna start up in just a second, once Riley finally manages to get down here.
Riley: [calling out] I can hear you talking about me down there! Cut that shit out!
Evelyn: I’m just introducing the show!
Riley: Gimme like two seconds! [grunts] Start talking about today’s subject, I'll join in when I get down!
Evelyn: Are you sure? You look kinda…
Riley: If we wait any longer to get into the meat of this episode, people will unsubscribe!
Evelyn: Okay, okay, fine! Just don't give yourself a hernia. [Clears throat] So today, friends both living and otherwise, we’re gonna talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: Being nice to each other. And you're probably thinking, “Evelyn, isn't everyone nice to each other?” And I’d like to live - or, uh, be dead in that world too, but let me read you some of these comments from our first ten episodes.
SOUND: Evelyn clicks and scrolls with her ghost powers.
Evelyn: Here’s one from a Reddit thread on episode one: “These two are like my last two brain cells. But not in a fun way, I mean more in like an Alzheimer’s way.” Yikes.
SOUND: Evelyn clicks again.
Evelyn: This one is a tweet we got after episode three: “It’s a real shame Morby didn't destroy the universe, at least then this show wouldn't exist anymore.”
SOUND: Evelyn clicks again.
Evelyn: And this is an Instagram comment we got on episode seven: “Haven't listened to the episode, have no interest in listening to the episode. My daughter is such a disappointment.” From the account CarmenAlmanzor666. Now I don't like to put people on blast, but what kind of mean, cruel, disrespectful- Oh, wait, that’s Riley’s mom.
SOUND: A corpse comes tumbling downstairs into the basement.
Evelyn: Huh. I kinda hate how normal seeing a dead body roll down the stairs is for me now.
SOUND: Riley comes skittering down the stairs on all fours, panting.
Riley: Jesus fuck. What an ordeal.
Evelyn: Yeah, that took a lot longer than usual.
Riley: At least now we can eat.
Evelyn: You can eat. I don’t partake in this.
Riley: [still panting] Well, sue the pants off me for trying to include you. What are we talking about today?
Evelyn: Trolls.
Riley: Like the one who's always doing heroin under the interstate bridge?
Evelyn: No, no, the online ones.
Riley: Ugh. Even worse. Lemme tell you, if I had the Death Note…
Evelyn: Look at this comment on episode eight - “Shaz has the right idea. You have to be on this many drugs to enjoy this bullshit.” Pardon my French.
Riley: Which platform is that?
Evelyn: Reddit.
Riley: Shit, so I can't even retaliate.
Evelyn: Why not?
Riley: I got shadowbanned for speaking the truth about Guantanamo on the r/StevenUniverse subreddit. Those sheeple have been asleep for too long.
Evelyn: Why are people so mean? A lot of these are overtly racist and homophobic, too!
Riley: Hey, don't forget ableist. I've seen a lot of jokes about my psychological fuck-pie on tumblr. But it's a grim reality of the internet - people are assholes and there's literally nothing anyone can do about it.
Evelyn: But what about a robust reporting system--
Riley: Literally nothing.
Evelyn: Or the platforms could take more of a stand--
Riley: Anyone can do about it. [Suddenly breaks into a hacking cough]
Evelyn: You okay there, Riley?
Riley: Me? Yeah, totally. Totally fine. The corpse was just a big guy.
Evelyn: I’ve seen you carry bigger guys. Honestly, you have kind of scary upper-body-strength most of the time.
Riley: [still very clearly out of breath] Let’s just do the fucking--
SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.
Riley: Intro while I catch my breath. Then you can complain about mean comments on the internet some more.
Evelyn: Okay, just, you know, take it easy.
Riley: [wheezing] Don’t tell me how to live my life.
Evelyn: [a little concerned, but still trying] Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means--
SOUND: Riley gives a loud, hacking cough.
Evelyn: Seriously, Riley, you’re not looking good.
Riley: What? I’m the picture of health. [wheeze]
Evelyn: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think your fitness has fallen behind a little.
Riley: What are you talking about? I’m the same as I’ve always been. I can still buy jeans from the kids’ section, even though I’ve been banned from The Baby Gap.
Evelyn: Why are you banned from so many places? Anyway, your weight isn’t a concern, Riley, your cardio is the problem.
Riley: My cardio. Right. What do you even know about ghoul hearts?
Evelyn: I’m just worried that your heart is gonna explode in your chest at any moment, unless your lungs beat them to the punch.
Riley: Wow, maybe a little brutal there, Ev.
Evelyn: The truth hurts, but it will set you free from a massive coronary later in life!
Riley: Fine! But what are we gonna do about this? Shall I just keel over and die, and give the trolls and also my Mom what they want?
Evelyn: The opposite, actually! Maybe we just need to get you a little more exercise?
Riley: If you tell me to join a gym, I swear, Hooper, I’ll figure out a way to eat ghosts.
Evelyn: There are other ways to get exercise. Let’s ask Google.
Riley: Can’t hurt, I guess.
SOUND: Riley types and clicks.
Riley: I googled “exercise in Tallahassee.” Let’s see what we’ve got.
Evelyn: There’s the Tallahassee Rock Gym at Railroad Square.
Riley: Inconceivable. My enemies can never know the extent of my climbing skill unless it's an emergency.
Evelyn: Pilates?
Riley: That’s a made-up word and literally nothing you can say will convince me otherwise.
Evelyn: Ooh, yoga! That looks fun.
Riley: Evelyn, I’m already hyperflexible.
Evelyn: Yeah, but I think you could use a little zen.
Riley: What’s this...“Hardcore Yoga.” That feels like a contradiction in terms.
Evelyn: What does the description say?
Riley: “Normal Yoga is all about exercising, centering yourself, and finding a place of peace. Normal Yoga is also for pussies, and gets put down by hypermasculine Western society as being woo-woo bullshit. That’s why Hardcore Yoga capitulates to these bad faith criticisms, and gives you a type of Yoga the men in your life will admire you for: We drink hard liquor, smoke crack, and occasionally shoot people with a number of therapeutic rifles.”
Evelyn: That doesn’t sound nice at all.
Riley: Yeah, and the only man in my life is Pizza Ghost Jon, and I’ve already accepted that he’s never gonna admire me.
Evelyn: What about jogging?
Riley: I don’t have the posture for it.
Evelyn: Okay, walking! That’s something anyone with working legs can do.
Riley: Problem is, if I go out walking, people will see me. That’s a deal-breaker.
Evelyn: What about the wilderness? There are plenty of cool nature trails you can try. Heck, I used to hike up in Apalachicola National Forest all the time back when I was a girl scout.
Riley: Of fucking COURSE you were a girl scout. That is the least surprising fact I’ve ever heard. I can just see you selling cookies to pedophiles on a little red wagon.
Evelyn: [excited] I’m not hearing a no…
Riley: You’re not hearing a “yes”, either. What if I get caught on a trail cam and become Florida’s latest cryptid? I don’t need that shit in my life.
Evelyn: Riley, you’re not even in the top thousand weirdest people in Florida. You’ll be fine.
Riley: But what about bugs!?
Evelyn: You eat bugs all the time!
Riley: Yeah, on my turf. In the forest, they outnumber me. What if the swarm wants revenge for all of their brethren I’ve consumed? What then, huh?
Evelyn: Now you’re just making excuses to not go outside.
Riley: Outside is scary and bad things happen there.
Evelyn: But good things happen there, too!
Riley: Like what?
Evelyn: You might see a double-rainbow!
Riley: It’s nighttime, Evelyn.
Evelyn: A moon double rainbow!
Riley: That’s physically impossible!
Evelyn: Just give it a chance, Riley. Come on.
Riley: Wow, that’s a really compelling argument. You should have used that one sooner, Ev.
Evelyn: [Sighs] You know...I heard there were also some UFO sightings around Apalachicola.
Riley: Wait, really?
Evelyn: Yep! I saw a video about it on YouTube.
Riley: Were they saucers or rods?
Evelyn: Uhhh...Rods?
Riley: My god, this corresponds perfectly to my theories about Floridian extraterrestrial activity. Okay, that settles it, we’re going.
Evelyn: Yay! The Great Outdoors!
SOUND: Riley shuffles and turns off the recording.
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SOUND: Musical jingle plays - ‘Axiom Cares for You’
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SOUND: The recording kicks back in - we have the ambient noise of cicadas chirping, and birds twittering away in the trees. We’re deep in Apalachicola National Forest. There are footsteps as Riley walks down the forest path.
Riley: Fuck this, and fuck everything about this. Forests are awful and I was right all along.
Evelyn: We’ve been out here for like twenty minutes.
Riley: That’s nineteen more than I need to judge if I hate something like this.
Evelyn: Can you even name reasons you don’t like it, or is it just because you’re afraid of change?
Riley: No, there are plenty of totally valid reasons. For example- ow, fuck!
Evelyn: What’s wrong?
Riley: I stepped on another fucking rock. Ow! God damn it.
Evelyn: Maybe if you wore shoes, this wouldn’t be a problem.
Riley: I don’t like the way they feel on my skin, okay!?
SOUND: The annoying buzz of mosquitos.
Riley: Oh, fuck off! Stupid fucking mosquitos. Not big enough to eat, but plenty big enough to piss you off. It’s a forest full of god damn bloodsuckers.
Evelyn: Can’t relate - Anymore, at least.
Riley: I win in the long run. Ghoul blood is poison to everything, so these fuckers are gonna die tonight. [Sick little Riley chuckle]
Evelyn: Way to make me feel sorry for mosquitos, Riley.
Riley: At least the weather’s nice. Not too hot, not too cold. No wind interfering with the audio. So no twitter wise-ass can get on our backs about mic quality.
Evelyn: Are you recording on your phone?
Riley: Yeah, it’s got a pretty good mic. Audio from this will sound way better than you’d expect phone audio to sound.
Evelyn: That's convenient.
Riley: Extremely.
Evelyn: Point is, rocks and bugs aside, you're getting exercise and fresh air! This is huge, Riley - I'm proud of you!
Riley: Yeah, yeah, let’s save the victory party until we get back to the basement. There are dark things in these woods.
Evelyn: Like what?
Riley: Like the Skunk Ape.
Evelyn: You made that up.
Riley: I did not! He's legit and you can google it.
Evelyn: You can't just invoke whatever the “Skunk Ape” is and not explain it.
Riley: Well, there are a number of theories into the exact nature of the Skunk Ape. He's a kind of Sasquatch or Bigfoot that’s been spotted in Florida, Arkansas, and North Carolina, leading to some researchers suggesting that the Skunk Ape is a whole species.
Evelyn: And I'm guessing you don't believe that?
Riley: Why?
Evelyn: You kind of aggressively fight against whatever the majority belief is in any given situation.
Riley: Okay, yes, I don't believe that. Personally, I think it's far more likely he's a sixth-dimensional being who can slip between the physical and abstract planes of existence at will. This isn't my theory, though, it's all there in Denver Riggleman’s book, “Types of Sasquatch and How To Fuck Them.”
Evelyn: I don't see why you're so worried about him. He seems pretty benign, compared to some things we've had to deal with. Like this one Apple Podcasts reviewer who called our show “an abortion.” Or the guys who keep telling me to kill myself, which doesn't even make sense!
Riley: Oh sure, he's benign, but he also stinks - hence the “skunk” in Skunk Ape.
Evelyn: But you stink, and I love you.
Riley: See, I stink like a box of mouldy comic books and week-old McDonalds fries - the Skunk Ape stinks like a guy with halitosis ate the ass of a guy with Crohn’s Disease, from what I've heard.
Evelyn: Well, in that case, I'm glad being dead has seriously dampened my sense of smell.
Riley: If it hadn't, my basement would probably be pretty unliveable for you. It’s weird, you guys really don’t like the smell of your species’ corpses.
Evelyn: Being dead is the gift that keeps on giving.
Riley: Also, I've not seen any UFO activity since we got out here. No rods, no saucers, not even any orbs. I'm honestly pretty disappointed on that front.
Evelyn: But at least you're getting the cardio you need! And the trolls can't reach us in the woods!
Riley: Can you forget about the trolls for a second, Evelyn? You really need to develop a thicker ectoplasmic membrane.
Evelyn: But they're so cruel! I can't not be hurt by it!
Riley: And frankly, as far as I'm concerned, the cardio is secondary to the aliens.
SOUND: Rustling from a nearby bush.
Klyle: Yo yo yo, did somebody say cardio?
Riley: Fuck! Who the hell are you!?
Evelyn: Are you the Skunk Ape?
Klyle: What? No! Do I look like a Sasquatch to you?
Riley: He can see you - so he must be undead.
Klyle: Well, yeah, I'm a vampire. Creature of the night! [Count Von Count-Esque] Ha Ha Ha!
Evelyn: Oh cool! I haven't seen a vampire in like forever.
Riley: The hell do you want, cold one? Evelyn doesn't even have blood and mine’s poison.
Klyle: Okay, first of all, my name’s Klyle. So maybe don't be rude and call me that instead, ‘Kay?
Evelyn: Kyle?
Klyle: Klyle.
Riley: That's not a real name.
Klyle: It totally is. It was real popular in Bulgaria in the fifteen hundreds, when I was born.
Riley: Okay, Klyle, what do you want from us?
Klyle: Well, funny you should ask - you know I usually hike on the Lafayette Heritage Trail, but I felt like a change, so like, why not Apalachicola, right? So, long story short, I’m lost, and I’m a little worried about the sun coming out while I’m still exposed.
Riley: I thought that only weakened you.
Klyle: Yeah, but I’ve got a lot of enemies, so could I maybe hike with you guys?
Riley: No! I don't want to hang out with some lousy bloodsucker.
Klyle: That’s a little racist, bro.
Riley: No it isn't! You chose to be a vampire, it's like hating someone for having a Triple X tattoo. Totally reasonable!
Evelyn: Come on, Riley, he seems nice.
Riley: How did you not get murdered, Evelyn?
Klyle: Say, how about we make a deal? Next time I drain somebody, I'll give you the bodies. Fair trade, right?
Riley: [Sighs] Fine, you can come along.
Klyle: Sweet!
SOUND: The three of them walk together (though Evelyn floats).
Klyle: Wait, are you recording this?
Evelyn: Yeah, we’re doing a podcast. You wanna be our guest?
Klyle: Hell yeah, I’m up for that. So it’s like a fitness podcast?
Riley: Not usually, no.
Klyle: I fuckin’ love fitness, guys. Always getting those gains. Sometimes I even sneak out during the day to get a few extra reps in at the gym.
Evelyn: What do you do for a living, Klyle?
Klyle: I’m a personal trainer. Didn’t used to be, but it lets me spend more time at the gym where I can get those gains.
Riley: You’re pretty swole, honestly. I thought vampires tended to be kinda skinny cause of all the post-death muscle atrophy.
Klyle: Not me, baby. Getting shredded 24/7 up in here.
Evelyn: When did you get so invested in all this, Klyle?
Klyle: Well, I'd been having a pretty rough time before I got into fitness. One of my old vampire enemies from the 1600s jumped me outside the 7/11 on Monroe street. He beat me up, stole my wallet, made love to my wife, and now my kids call him dad instead of me.
Riley: Ah, the ol’ smack, sack, fuck and cuck. Brutal.
Klyle: But when gains are life, I don't need to confront any of these issues cause I'm too busy working out, so I'm a lot happier.
Evelyn: I feel like there might be healthier ways to cope with that.
Klyle: Yeah, you’re probably right, but hey, can’t argue with these pecs though!
SOUND: Klyle slurps from his drink.
Riley: What is that?
Klyle: Protein shake. Home-made recipe.
Riley: Can I have some?
Klyle: Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.
SOUND: Klyle passes over the drink. Riley slurps.
Riley: That’s pretty good. Who was this?
Klyle: It was generously donated by my gym buddy, Blathan. Dude has biceps like ham hocks, it’s pretty tight.
Evelyn: It’s weird how comfortable I am with most of my friends and acquaintances feeding on my species.
Riley: I feel like the fact I literally ate you probably desensitised you.
Evelyn: Yeah, that’s most likely it.
Klyle: Oh, so is that how you two met?
Riley: Yeah, I ate her corpse before the afterlife processed her, so now she’s haunting me.
Klyle: Classic. I only see my victims when I’m asleep.
Riley: Lucky.
Evelyn: … Oh.
SOUND: They walk around.
Riley: Wait, which direction are we going?
Evelyn: Uh, North-West, I think.
Klyle: Which way is that? I don't have a compass.
Riley: Me either.
Evelyn: Oh. We may have a problem here.
Klyle: Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.
Riley: See, Ev, this is why change is bad and should be avoided. Now we’re between the ass-cheeks of Floridian Nowhere, and if I get hungry, I can't even eat this jerk.
Klyle: Likewise, graverobber. I should have just spent the night on the treadmill and then cried myself to sleep again.
Evelyn: Can everyone just please stop being so pessimistic? It's hard to get anything done when you have such a defeatist attitude.
Riley: What’s your alternative, huh? Using positive thinking until a magic carpet made of rainbows and puppies comes to save us?
Klyle: [Genuinely curious] Can she do that?
Riley: What?
Klyle: It’s possible! I don't know ghosts!
Riley: [Under their breath] Dumbass...
Evelyn: I suggest we do this the old-fashioned way: we can use astronomy to find our way back to civilisation.
Riley: How?
Evelyn: It's a trick I learned back in Girl Scouts - we can use our position in relation to the stars to figure out where we need to go. It's easy, look - there's Orion’s Belt, The Big Dipper, Melancholia, and Hellstar Remina. See?
Riley: Huh. I guess you're right. So what do we do now?
Evelyn: Like I said, North-West. Follow me!
SOUND: Spooky noises as Evelyn floats. Footsteps following her.
Riley: So, Klyle…
Klyle: Ya?
Riley: Since you're our de facto guest, I might as well continue the interview. You said earlier that you have a lot of enemies.
Klyle: Ha Ha Ha, that I do. There's a lot of people who'd like to see me nailed to the wall, and not in a fun way!
Riley: I mean, it'd probably be fun for them.
Evelyn: You seem like a pretty non-confrontational guy. How come so many people have it in for you?
Klyle: [Sigh] It’s a long story. You know, when they sell you the vampire lifestyle, they tell you it's all long nights, wild parties, and girls, girls, girls! But ugh, so much politics. Do you belong to this clan, or that clan, it’s so tedious. Not my thing at all. I’m unaffiliated, so nobody likes me.
Riley: A vampire and a centrist. Great. Do you run a dog-fighting ring, too?
Klyle: What? Heavens no! I'm even a member of the Tallahassee Dog-Watchers Facebook group!
Evelyn: [Gasps] That sounds amazing! How can I join?
Riley: Keep navigating, Ev. We can think about dogs later. Klyle, what kind of enemies do you have? Anyone cool or interesting?
Klyle: Well, there’s Braden the Brutal, who cornered me in a Porta-Potty in Yugoslavia and gave me a swirlie. There was Trent the Terrible, who usurped my beloved wife!
Riley: Jesus, you're just one of life’s victims, aren't you? I can see why you started working out.
Evelyn: We know how you feel, Klyle. We've been dealing with a lot of online bullying lately.
Riley: Fuck, Evelyn, will you just drop it? Trolling is inevitable and unstoppable. Anyway, Klyle, tell us more about the guys who emasculated you so hard you became a gym rat.
Klyle: [Terror creeping into his voice] Oh, the guys were all bad, but they weren't the reason I started getting yoked. That was an altogether different class of beast! Worst of all was…
SOUND: Bushes rustle as Nosferatina emerges.
Nosferatina: Scream if you're a bitch!
Klyle: [Lets out a startled, shrill scream of immortal fear]
Nosferatina: Ha!
Riley: [Equally startled] Jesus christ, is that a gremlin?!
Evelyn: Oh my gosh, look at her little hoodie! She's a baby.
Klyle: [directed at Nosferatina] What are YOU doing here?!
Nosferatina: Wifi’s out. I thought I’d take a walk, harass people in person instead of just online for once.
Evelyn: You know her, Klyle?
Klyle: Just as I was mentioning...this is the worst of them all - Nosferatina.
Riley: But she’s like...four years old.
Nosferatina: I was actually nine when I died. In vampire years, I’m older than you. Great hairstyle, by the way - did you comb it with a firecracker?
Riley: [Deadpan] I never brush my hair.
Klyle: No, no, no...it’s already starting! I’m not ready for this--
Nosferatina: You’re never ready, and that’s what makes this so fun! By the way, nice arms, they look like condoms full of cottage cheese.
Evelyn: You can’t say that - That’s so mean!
Riley: So she’s...an internet troll? Your worst vampire enemy is an internet troll?
Klyle: I’m emotionally vulnerable, Riley, I don’t need this right now!
Nosferatina: No, what you need is three hours in a tanning bed and a dust-buster [Obnoxious laugh.]
Evelyn: Why are you so cruel? Is this how you get your kicks?
Nosferatina: You think this is cruel? What’s cruel is what your torso is doing to that shirt. Tell me, when it eventually rips, how many sweatshop kids are gonna have to die to make a new one?
Evelyn: [Gasps] It was the early 2000s, all the shirts were form-fitting!
Nosferatina: You know what I think you’d look better in? 1995.
Riley: Hey, lay off Evelyn, she’s literally never said a mean thing to anyone.
Nosferatina: Hey, hey, hey, back up, ya paedo. Also, what the fuck is wrong with your breath? It smells like you squeeze your toothpaste out of a colostomy bag.
Klyle: See? She’s the worst! This little monster is why my self-esteem is so low.
Riley: But you’re huge! And jacked! How can you let some mean little British kid in a snap-back get to you?
Klyle: The muscles, they do nothing! Vampires are like wine - age matters more than biceps, and she’s seven hundred years older than me!
Nosferatina: And my dick is bigger than yours, too.
Evelyn: It feels wrong to hear a nine-year-old talk about stuff like that.
Nosferatina: It feels wrong to hear you talk at all, cause, like, uh... You’re a dumb bitch!
Evelyn: That wasn’t even clever!
Nosferatina: No, but it’s true!
Riley: [Sighs] Let’s just keep walking. If she got turned as a shitty nine-year-old, her mental development probably got stunted then, too. If we ignore her, she’ll just get bored and leave us alone.
SOUND: They begin to walk.
Klyle: Riley, that won’t work.
Riley: Well, neither will standing still and doing nothing, let’s keep moving.
Evelyn: Klyle, what did you say her name was again?
Klyle: Nosferatina. Scourge of the message-boards.
Evelyn: Hey, I recognise that screen-name! She called me a fat bitch on twitter, and called Riley a bug-eyed, ugly spider-monkey.
Nosferatina: [Laughs] Classic.
Riley: But that’s painfully uncreative! It's such low-hanging fruit.
Klyle: It’s not meant to be creative! It's simple, and cuts straight to your deepest insecurity!
Evelyn: Well joke’s on her, I'm comfortable with my body!
Nosferatina: Annoying voice!
Evelyn: Oh no!
Riley: If we wait until sunlight, maybe I can eat her.
Nosferatina: Just like how you eat your words when your theories always turn out to be wrong?
Riley: Fuck you, my theories are great!
Klyle: She's unstoppable!
Nosferatina: [Cackles] Oh, this is fun! I should go outside more often. So you're the Less Is Morgue duo, right? God, your podcast is pure cringe. You just talk about nothing, and you can't even edit the music in right!
Riley: Editing audio is hard! People who do this for a living deserve more credit and respect!
Nosferatina: [Makes a fart noise]
Riley: Really? That's the level we’re sinking to now? Fart noises? Well, we’ll just--
Nosferatina: [Makes another fart noise]
Riley: Classy. We’ll--
Nosferatina: [Another fart noise]
Klyle: Riley, please, just give up. She's too powerful.
Riley: [Frustrated] This is--
Nosferatina: [A final, particularly long fart noise]
Evelyn: Just stop! Please!
Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] Just stop! Please!
Evelyn: I’m asking you nicely!
Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] I’m asking you nicely!
Evelyn: Stop copying me!
Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] Stop copying me!
Klyle: [Weeping] It will never end!
Nosferatina: Oh, it’ll end, it’ll end when you're gone. It’ll end when I've driven you all so far off the edge that you rage-quit existence, then I'm gonna find some new Lolcows to milk until they're nothing but beef.
Riley: Fuck. That got dark real quick.
Klyle: She’s pure evil, I've been dealing with her for three hundred years! But she has little legs, she could only go so far, until the Internet was invented. It allowed her to bully everyone with an internet connection simultaneously - her cruelty went global! Ha Ha Ha! The laugh hides my inner pain!
Riley: We just need to ignore her! If you ignore her, she’ll go away, that's how trolls work.
Evelyn: I really don't think it is, Riley. Platforms needs to--
Riley: THAT’S HOW TROLLS WORK!
Klyle: But she's not just any troll, Riley. She's the ultimate troll! She never sleeps, she can smell weakness, and she's got an unlimited capacity for sadism.
Nosferatina: I should get that on a business card. Oh also, Klyle, your bald head makes you look like a dildo for necrophiliacs.
SOUND: Klyle shrieks in emotional pain.
Evelyn: I’m getting really sick of this.
Nosferatina: I'm getting really sick of your muffin top, tubby.
Klyle: Leave them alone! Your beef is with me!
Nosferatina: How about instead we count how many wives you've got? [Mocking his Transylvanian accent, Count Von Count style] Zero! Ha Ha Ha!
Evelyn: You're just a jerk!
Nosferatina: [Laughs] Is that all you've got? Really?
Evelyn: You’re clearly someone who can't relate to other people, and your only way or forming a connection is being mean.
Riley: [Sniffing] Hey, did somebody shit their pants?
Klyle: No, only on the inside.
Evelyn: You've got a really sad, mean, petty existence, and I know that doing this is probably the only way you can feel like you're having an impact on others.
Riley: Seriously though, can anybody smell shit?
Evelyn: Honestly, I feel sorry for you. Being a person like you must be exhausting, cause you've never got anyone you can be vulnerable around. You're just a nasty little...turd! And nobody likes you!
SOUND: Klyle gasps.
Nosferatina: You know what? Fuck all of you, I don't need this. I'm leaving.
Evelyn: Yay! We won!
Nosferatina: But first, I'm gonna kill all of you.
Evelyn: Less yay!
Riley: God damn it, whoever said exercise is good for you is a fucking idiot.
Klyle: Hey, don't diss exercise, she's my only solace in a cruel world.
Nosferatina: Prepare to fucking die, cringelords!
Riley: Great. We’re gonna die in the woods, stinking of shit!
SOUND: A thunderous BOOM! The ambient buzz of flies. The Skunk Ape appears.
Skunk Ape: There will be no violence in my forest!
Riley: Oh my god, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Klyle: That smell, my god, it’s fucking diabolical.
Nosferatina: Who the fuck are you?
Evelyn: Wait, you must be…
Skunk Ape: I am the Skunk Ape! Steward of the Apalachicola National Forest! Guardian of the peace, tranquility, and sanctity of the woods!
Nosferatina: Oh yeah? Well, you smell like--
Skunk Ape: Be gone!
SOUND: Another BOOM! Nosferatina is gone.
Riley: Holy shit, did you kill her?
Skunk Ape: No. Like I told you, I permit no violence in these woods. I sent her elsewhere, so she could do no harm.
Riley: Weak. You should've just killed her.
Klyle: Don't look a gift-Sasquatch in the mouth, Riley. She's gone. We’re saved!
Evelyn: I bring back my earlier “Yay!”
Riley: So are you why the murder rate is so low here compared to the rest of Florida?
Skunk Ape: Of course. I'm a sixth-dimensional being--
Riley: Called it!
Skunk Ape: So I can sense when murders are about to happen in my forests. When I do, I’ll transport those involved to another place, so the murder can happen there instead.
Evelyn: Wow, Riley, guess it just goes to show that when you properly moderate--
Riley: Stop it. Stop. Just...stop.
Klyle: What’s with the smell, dude? If it's okay to ask.
Skunk Ape: There are no showers in this forest. Nor is there soap.
Klyle: Eh, fair enough.
Riley: Quick question: Are there more of you? Cause if Riggleman was right about the sixth-dimensional stuff in his book… Skunk Ape: Riggleman? Denver Riggleman? That weird politician who's obsessed with us?
Evelyn: The man who wrote the Bigfoot sex book has political power!?
Skunk Ape: He's also got a restraining order from me. Dude has boundary issues.
Riley: [Disappointed] So I guess that blows my chance to find the answers. Fuck.
Skunk Ape: Now, my work here is done. Time to go.
Evelyn: Wait!
Skunk Ape: What?
Evelyn: Could you maybe help us find the way out? We’re a little lost.
Skunk Ape: Yeah, sure, just follow me.
SOUND: They begin to walk.
Riley: [Panting] Couldn't you just teleport us?
Skunk Ape: From the way you're breathing, it sounds like you need the cardio.
Riley: Oh, fuck you.
SOUND: Evelyn laughs.
[RECORDING CUTS OFF - EPISODE ENDS]