Episode 111: Better Off Fred
Riley and Evelyn’s attempts to summon a Dullahan, and correct one of Riley’s more egregious middle school mistakes, backfires when they accidentally summon an incubus instead. Still, can they make the best of it?
+Transcript
Riley: Listen closely, and turn up your volume if you have to.
SOUND: Evelyn grunting in the background. A slow scraping noise.
Riley: That’s the sound of Evelyn, trying to move a book across the floor with her Poltergeist powers. She's really improving - and I should know, because she's been doing it non-stop for the last TWO FUCKING DAYS! [Beat] Oh shit, I hope you still didn't have your volume turned up.
Evelyn: It wouldn’t have gone on for two days if SOMEONE didn’t keep resetting my progress!
Riley: I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!
Evelyn: I’m not touching. Look!
SOUND: More scraping.
Evelyn: See?
Riley: Well, actually!
SOUND: Pages flipping.
Riley: According to this dictionary: “Touching” implies that it’s being done with hands, feet, or an implement.
Evelyn: Exactly! No hands! And I don't even have feet.
Riley: I think ghost powers count as an implement, Ev.
Evelyn: Well I don’t, so I guess we’re even.
SOUND: More scraping.
Riley: Look! You're scuffing up the dust-jacket--
SOUND: Book hits a table.
Riley: [sigh] Listeners, if you don’t have your volume turned back down by now, it’s your own fault.
Evelyn: Look, Riley! I did it! I really did it! I made it to the table!
SOUND: Riley walks over, picks up book.
Riley: All you've done is ruin my copy of… [to themself] Oh no.
Evelyn: “Horses, Demons, and Horse Demons - Dark Arts for the Horse Lover” [Amazed] Where has this been all my death?
Riley: I can’t believe I haven’t eaten this yet.
Evelyn: Why would you want to? It’s beautiful!
Riley: Lemme read you the blurb on the back. [Clears Throat] “Some love horses, some love the ancient traditions of the Pagans. You? Love BOTH. This is the book for you.” Ugh.
Evelyn: Short, sweet, and to the point. Love it.
SOUND: Flicking through.
Riley: [Trying to hide embarrassment] Okay, before you laugh, I just want to make it perfectly clear that this was back in middle school. I’m not into this stuff anymore, and the kid I cursed with it now has a perpetual Dullahan following him until the book is destroyed.
Evelyn: What!? And you've never called it off?
Riley: I kept forgetting to. He was a dick, anyway, so he probably deserved the seventeen years of torment.
Evelyn: Seventeen years?! What did he do?
Riley: He started a rumor that I eat garbage.
Evelyn: Well… did you?
Riley: I mean yeah, but I don’t like people talking about it. How would you like people talking about what you eat?
Evelyn: I don’t eat anymore.
Riley: And you always complain when I remind you of that fact.
Evelyn: I can't believe you cursed somebody in middle school.
Riley: I was the typical occultist kid. Are you really that surprised?
Evelyn: Not surprised, just disappointed.
Riley: [genuinely surprised] Wait, you had expectations?
Evelyn:… I mean…I guess I have more expectations for Now-Riley than Past-Riley.
Riley: Past-Riley was an asshole. They're responsible for all the bullshit Present-Riley has to deal with - haunting included.
Evelyn: What else did Past-Riley do?
Riley: Got me suspended a lot.
Evelyn: Why? Cause you were…
Riley: Don’t say it...
Evelyn: Too Ghoul for School?
Riley: No, cause Past-Riley thought it'd be a good idea to eat the class pet. Ten consecutive times. [quietly] So many guinea pigs.
Evelyn: Wow, now I regret asking.
Riley: My intention with every answer is to stop people asking me more questions. Glad it's working.
Evelyn: Back to the topic at hand: We need to free that kid you cursed. But I’d hate to destroy a whole book because of ONE Dullahan.
SOUND: Flipping pages.
Evelyn: Is there any way to maybe summon him here?
Riley: And what, ask him nicely to stop?
Evelyn: Yes?
Riley: Well, if you’re on this bullshit now, I might as well help. Instead of flipping mindlessly, you COULD check the table of contents first.
Evelyn: Oh, right!
SOUND: More page flipping.
Evelyn: Here it is! “How To Summon A Dullahan”. What you need: Chalk, 5 candles, 1 horseshoe, 1... “human boner”?
Riley: Oh, uh, it says “bone”, but I was a dumb middle-schooler and doodled all over the book.
Evelyn: That explains all the penises in here. Anyway. 1 human BONE, some fresh Irish butter, 1 stick from a dead oak tree, and 1 pumpkin.
Riley: Okay so, aside from the human bone and candles, I don't have any of that. So, how about instead we use one of Brains Vincent’s heels, my half finished Mayo jar from the last episode, my mom’s vibrator, and uh… this rotten apple, I guess. Evelyn: [Concerned] Why did you take your mom’s vibrator?
Riley: Well. I’m not gonna use mine for a demonic ritual. I don't wanna get a haunted vagina on top of my haunted...everything else.
Evelyn: Fair. Those all seem like good substitutes.
Riley: I’m gonna pause the recording while we set this up.
SOUND: Riley shuffles. Laptop is turned off. Silence for a couple seconds, and we’re back.
Evelyn: And we’re back! To catch you all up, we’ve drawn a pentagram on the floor with some duct tape, lit the emergency candles, and placed all the things in the… star points? Is that what you call them?
Riley: Irrelevant. We need to start chanting if we want the Dullahan summoned before he starts his night ride. Evelyn: Oops, you’re right.
Riley and Evelyn: “By the light of the setting sun, we offer ourselves as brides to the Almighty Lord of Darkness. We summon you here to grant our wish. Come before us now, and bind this entity to our will.”
SOUND: Wind whirring around the room.
Riley: Wow, this takes me back.
Evelyn: Wait, are we actual brides of the Almighty Lord of Darkness now? I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.
Riley: I, uh, hope you weren't planning to get into heaven after we’re done.
Evelyn: Riley!
Riley: I’m kidding, I’m kidding...I think.
SOUND: Wind stops.
[BEAT.]
SOUND: Knocking on door.
Evelyn: I guess that’s him?
Riley: Last time I did this, he was a little more dramatic. [to the door] Come in.
SOUND: Door opens.
Fred: Someone call for a good time?
Riley: No, we called for a Dullahan. Who the fuck are you?
Evelyn: I love your sideburns!
Fred: I’m the incubus you summoned? And thank you, honey.
Evelyn: Sorry, we didn't summon an incubus. You were meant to be a headless horseman type.
Fred: You tried to summon a dullahan with a dildo and mayonnaise?
Riley: In hindsight, I’m surprised that summoned ANYTHING.
Evelyn: Okay Riley, change of plans, we’ll deal with the middle-schooler you condemned to nearly two decades of torment later. For now, we’ve got a guest.
Riley: Alright, I'm happy to have the focus taken off of my mistakes. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend, yadda yadda yadda. So you're a fuck demon?
Fred: Indeed. I’m guessing I’m not doing that here?
Evelyn: [Chipper] Correct! But we'd love to interview you for our podcast.
Fred: Oh lovely! I’ve never done that before! Well, unless the casting couch counts.
Riley: And I’m assuming you don't mean for acting, right?
Fred: Depends on who you ask.
Riley: [Annoyed] Okay folks, so this is the sex episode now, I guess. [sighs, sounding even more dead inside than usual] Cover the kids’ ears, pick a safe word, and lube up, it’s gonna get weird.
Evelyn: Yay!
Riley: So, Fred, the incubus, where are you from?
Fred: [matter of factly] Pennsylvania.
Evelyn: Huh. I expected you to come from Hell. No offence.
Fred: None taken. I think there’s a lot of misconceptions around demons, I don’t blame the confusion.
Riley: Care to elaborate?
Fred: Well, not all demons are from Hell; they’d run out of room down there. These days it's mostly reserved for the rich demons and Satan’s inner circle. And shit, I only just paid off my student loans.
Evelyn: How old are you?
Fred: Just turned 69.
Riley: Bullshit. And I'm guessing your birthday is on 4/20?
Fred: No, I’m serious! I’m 69 years old. The piercings probably make me look younger.
Riley: Younger? You look like a fucking twink, dude. 69 is retirement age for like, almost every other species.
Fred: I prefer the term “Twunk”, actually.
Riley: Is there a difference?
Fred: Twinks are soft, hunks are not, twunks are somewhere in between.
Evelyn: I didn’t even know there were names for all this stuff.
Riley: Poor, innocent child.
Evelyn: “Twink” just sounds like “twinkie,” and I’m not sure if that’s because they’re related or if I’m just missing being able to eat.
Fred: Well yeah, they’re soft and filled with cream, it’s exactly how they got the name.
Riley: Okay, gross. Let’s please move on. So, Fred, what do you do for a living?
Fred: I do others, mostly. But in between that I strip. I live most of my life without clothes on, is what I’m saying.
Evelyn: Honestly, if I looked like you, I would too.
Riley: Wait, I thought you were a lesbian?
Evelyn: I am, but I also have eyes.
Fred: Oh, speaking of lesbians, I have a crazy story for you.
Riley: I feel like I'm gonna have to bleep most of this, aren't I?
Fred: Probably. So, I was with this client and they’d just asked if I was cool with BBQ sauce on my --
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Fred: --and she realized it was the friendships she made along the way.
Evelyn: [Sniffling] Fred...that was beautiful…
Riley: I’m very uncomfortable.
Fred: I feel like I’ve been speaking too much. What about you guys?
Evelyn: [Crestfallen] Oh, uh, I don't have that many good stories, on account of being dead. My family was kinda conservative so I didn't really, you know, do much before I died.
Fred: Sounds to me that you’ve done at least some?
Evelyn: Well, yeah, some. But it was pretty mild.
Fred: Like kissing mild or backseat fingerblasting mild?
Evelyn: [Long pause] Fingerblasting.
Riley: “Fingerblasting” does not sound mild.
Fred: Were they a one-time deal or more of a relationship?
Evelyn: Well, I guess you could say me and Olivia were going steady. I think she kinda lost interest when my brains got smashed in by that stage light, though.
Fred: Hate when that happens.
Riley: Well, this got sad.
Fred: Have you tried getting with anyone else since your death?
Evelyn: I mean, I’m open to it, but the only two ghosts I've met are Bloody Mary and a pizza guy Riley killed.
Fred: No one in limbo caught your eye?
Evelyn: Fred, it’s like the least horny place you can possibly imagine.
Fred: I believe that if you try hard enough, any place has horny potential. Hell, I’m proud to say that I’ve even nailed Charon.
Evelyn: ...Plankton’s computer wife?
Fred: The boatman of the River Styx. Hung like a donkey, by the way.
Riley: Ew.
Fred: Alright, Riley, what’s your story?
Riley: There is no story. Just me and this basement.
Fred: So you’ve got NO ONE outside this room?
Riley: People are overrated.
Fred: So you’re asexual?
Riley: Why are you so interested?
Evelyn: It’s the topic of discussion, Riley. We both shared stories, it’s your turn now.
Riley: Okay, fine! But it'll probably bore you to tears.
Evelyn: Nothing this secret has ever been boring. That’s just science.
Riley: Dating sucks if you’re a ghoul. You can never tell who's into you for you, or who's just there for the brand, you know?
Fred: Ah, I get you. So you’re basically a walking fetish?
Evelyn: Uh, a what?
Riley: Yeah, pretty much! Weird skin, fangs, we eat people, I can do freaky shit with my body. I'm everything the internet wants to fuck.
Evelyn: Define “freaky stuff”?
Riley: I’m hyperflexible - meaning I can fit into a small suitcase, and most overhead compartments. I can unhinge my jaw and eat shit that's bigger than my head. And don’t even get me started on the shape--
Evelyn: Wait, and people are into all that?
Riley: People are into everything, Evelyn. You know, I used to go out back in my late teens, but I realized it wasn't for me when my last date unironically breathed the words “vore me, daddy” into my ear after a couple drinks. In that moment, my crotch became the Chernobyl exclusion zone.
Evelyn: What does that mean…?
Riley: Ask the Twitter followers. They'll tell you, cause I sure as shit don’t want to.
Fred: Okay, okay. Let me rephrase my earlier question: Ignoring your history, what are you actually into?
Riley: Cheese fries, conspiracy theories...
Fred: No, I mean, romantically.
Riley: [sighs] I don’t know… like… people? I can't predict when or why it's gonna happen, sometimes I just get crushes.
Evelyn: Aw, cute! Like the waiter at--
Riley: [firm, loud] WE DO NOT SPEAK OF HIM.
Fred: Hey, now. Not knowing what you like is perfectly fine!
Riley: Doesn’t that just make things more confusing?
Fred: If you really WANT to label yourself, you can do that too. All I’m saying is, for some, it’s a lot easier to go with the flow rather than sticking to a rule of "only this or that”. Whatever tickles your pickle, basically.
Riley: Labels are what corporations use to market useless bullshit at you. They're a tool of the enemy!
Evelyn: But they've got practical purposes, too!
Fred: Without labels, how would you know the difference between mayonnaise and a jar of horse cum?
Evelyn: That's really gross, but yes, exactly.
Riley: If you’re not interested in either mayonnaise or horse cum, then what’s the point of needing the distinction?
Evelyn: But Riley, you love drinking mayonnaise.
Riley: Not the point, Ev. It was metaphorical mayonnaise. And metaphorical horse cum.
Fred: Hey, Riley, nobody expects you to use any labels you're not comfortable with. No pressure here, my ghoul.
Riley: [grumbles] Whatever. Either way, I don’t need all that nonsense. I am unknowable and I don't give a fuck if that makes people uncomfortable.
Evelyn: [supportive, enthusiastic] It doesn’t make me uncomfortable!
Riley: I know, Ev. I appreciate it.
Fred: [genuine] Wow… a true learning moment. That was beautiful. I’m proud of you both.
Eveyln: Yay! Learning!
Riley: I don't feel like I've learned anything.
Evelyn: That’s because you were one of the teachers.
Riley: …Huh. Nice.
[Beat.]
Fred: Well, this sounds like a good stopping point. Was there anything else you lovely folks wanted from me before I take my leave?
Evelyn: Before you showed up, we were trying to summon the dullahan that Riley cursed on their old middle school friend.
Riley: Middle school ENEMY, thank you.
Fred: Hmm. I guess I could go out and get the remaining objects you were supposed to use.
Riley: Great idea! Here’s all the shit we need.
SOUND: Frantic scribbling. Tears page out of the book.
Evelyn: No! Riley, you’re hurting the book!
Riley: Think you can get all that?
Fred: Wait, you don’t need me to get you a human...human boner?
Riley: [Groans] I wish I could kick eleven-year-old me in the fucking throat. No! We’re all good on boners, thank you!
Fred: Okay, then I’m off.
SOUND: Woosh. Fred’s gone.
Evelyn: Isn’t it a little mean to send our guest off to run errands for us?
Riley: He offered. That was his first mistake.
SOUND: Woosh again. Fred’s back.
Fred: Alright, I got a horseshoe, a pumpkin, a dead oak stick, and I couldn’t find fresh irish butter so I went with store-bought.
Riley: Hopefully, he won’t care. Let’s hurry and set up the circle.
Evelyn: Riley, how did you find all this stuff when you were eleven?
Riley: Eh, I just asked my mom to buy it at the store.
Fred: You guys have any chalk?
Evelyn: We just used duct tape for you.
Fred: [scoffs, offended]
Riley: Can you use the same pentagram twice? Or is that considered gross, like sloppy seconds?
Fred: We don’t really mind. [to himself] Though we do appreciate people using better materials than duct tape.
SOUND: Woosh. Scraping noises.
Evelyn: Okay, we’re ready.
Riley: Wait, what?
Evelyn: Poltergeist powers! You two were just standing around talking.
Riley: Wow, way to flex on me, Evelyn. Why don't you just tell me I'm ugly and have no friends while you're at it?
Evelyn: You’ve got one friend! It’s me!
Riley: [Quietly] Not denying the ugly part. Noted.
Fred: Since I’m here, I can lead the chant. Might get him here sooner.
Evelyn: Because you’re a demon?
Fred: No, because I’m hot. And I know for a fact this dullahan is gay as fuck.
Riley: Alright, let’s do it.
Fred: By the light of the setting sun, I offer myself as bottom bitch to the Almighty Lord of Darkness. I summon Greg here to grant my wish. Come before us now, and bind him to my will.
SOUND: WOOSH! Greg is here. Horse neighs. Thunder cracks.
Greg: [wizard of Oz-like; Big Theatrical Villain dramatics] I am Greg, the Great and Powerful. I am the mighty Dullahan of the Americas. The Headless Horseman of your darkest nightmares. All tremble before me. Tell me your target and I shall smite them from the Earth.
Fred: Hey, Greg.
Greg: [normal] Oh, hey, Frederic. You’re here? I haven't seen you since college.
Fred: Yeah, I’m an incubus now! Glad to see you started that horse farm after all.
Greg: Well, that’s more of a side project, I Dullahan full-time.
Fred: Is that Melody? She’s grown up so fast!
Greg: Yeah! She’s still as strong as ever. Aren’t you, girl?
SOUND: Melody whinnies demonic horse noises.
Riley: Hey, not to interrupt this reunion here, but we did call Greg for a specific purpose.
Greg: Right, sorry, bound to your will, I get it. What's the dealio?
Evelyn: Riley cursed one of their middle-school friends for spreading a true rumour.
Riley: Look, it may have been true, but they spread it with bad intent!
Evelyn: We were wondering if we could call off the curse? He’s suffered for, what, seventeen years now? I think he's probably learned his lesson.
Greg: Which “he” are we talking about here? I get a lot of demonic haunting jobs.
Riley: Itchy Crane?
Greg: Well, you better scratch it, then! [laughs] I kid, I kid. I’ve been haunting him for almost two decades now. The most hi-larious screams, I tell you, such a mad lad.
Evelyn: Well, we want to ask you to maybe stop haunting him now?
Greg: What? No way! It’s the most bloody fun I’ve had in centuries! Hell, I’d do it even if I wasn't being paid.
Riley: Wow, sadistic much?
Evelyn: Riley, you cursed him! For nothing!
Riley: How many times do I have to tell you? He spread--
Fred: Guys, calm down. It’s my will he’s bound to here. [To Greg] Look, is there ANY way we could convince you to stop haunting this kid?
Greg: Sorry, mate - you know I love you, but I just can’t give this up! It’s quality! I've haunted a lot of people in my day, but this guy is something else. Tell me, have you ever seen anyone literally shit their pants from the same scare four hundred consecutive times? It's genuinely impressive. You should see it some time!
Fred: [Flirty] Greg, are you sure there’s NOTHING I could do to convince you out of haunting that poor, poor bastard?
Greg: I don't know when I'll ever land a gig this sweet again, Fred. It's nothing personal, really, but I just can't afford to lose this.
Fred: [Still flirty] But can you afford to lose this?
SOUND: Unzips pants.
Riley: Um.
Evelyn: [whispering to Riley] What’s happening?
Riley: [whispering back] I’m not… sure? But I hate it.
Greg: Sweet Satan. But Fred, it’s been so long…
Fred: I agree. We should get reacquainted.
Greg: Well, at least let me put Melody outside, and then we can...
SOUND: Shuffling towards the laptop.
Riley: That’s it, I’m pausing the recording before this turns into a fucking porno.
Evelyn: Please hurry. It’s getting Not Safe For Death!
SOUND: Recording stops. Pause for a couple seconds. We’re back. Riley shuffles away.
Riley: And we’re back after a… [clears throat] very weird three hours.
Evelyn: It was like a movie version of the Kama Sutra.
Greg: You think you two can keep it down over there? You’re killing my afterglow.
Fred: You know, we should do this more often. Maybe without needing to bind you to my will and constantly swearing my ass to Satan.
Greg: Yeah, I’d like that.
Fred: But only if you promise to stop harassing Itchy.
Greg: Who? Oh yeah, him. No worries. I’ll lay off.
Evelyn: Yay! Happy ending!
Greg: You know, it really was the best job of my career. Shame. But it's worth it for that dick. [Inhales on a cigarette]
Riley: How can you smoke that cigarette without a head!?
Greg: [Exhales] I can do LOTS of things without a head.
Riley: [groans loudly] Oh, we know, we watched all of them happen.
SOUND: Fred zips up his pants.
Fred: Y’know, no one told you to stay.
Riley: No, but I am telling you all to leave. It smells horrible in here.
Fred: You sure? I could clean all this up first.
Riley: If you can do it quickly, then yes please. Before anything stains.
Evelyn: I can help, too! I want more poltergeist practice.
Riley: Do you really? With that?
Greg: I suppose I might as well help, since I’m here.
Riley: Fuck it. Fine. Then you've all gotta leave.
SOUND: Cleaning noises.
Evelyn: Anybody got any Pledge?
Riley: Shit, we’re still recording!
SOUND: Riley shuffles to the laptop.
Riley: I’m gonna pause and wrap this shit up later.
Greg: Why are there so many bones in here?
SOUND: Riley turns off the recording. Then, after a moment, we’re back.
Riley: Okay, so, everyone’s gone now. Just me and Ev.
Evelyn: We’ve put away all the arcane summoning gear, and I’ve been reading some of the less satanic chapters of Horses, Demons, and Horse Demons. It’s such a page-turner.
Riley: And I’m evaluating whether I really know who I am.
Evelyn: Aw Riley, it’s okay, you don’t need to have yourself all figured out. I literally had to fill out surveys about myself for sixteen years, and I’ve got no idea what I’m about.
Riley: But you know what you want. I’m either hopelessly confused or obsessed with someone unattainable for an intense few months before it all fizzles out and I’m alone again.
Evelyn: I thought you liked being alone.
Riley: I do! But what if some day I don’t, and I get all fucked up about it and turn into Miss Havisham, wearing some crusty old wedding dress and abusing a little street urchin because he reminds me of the youth I’ve lost?
Evelyn: [Baffled] That’s so specific.
Riley: I know I can like people, it just, you know, doesn’t happen often. I dunno, it’s a fucking mess. I’m a fucking mess.
Evelyn: I don’t think that’s true, Riley, I know exactly who you are: you’re a funny, weird, interesting person with a lot of cool thoughts. The rest you can figure out later. Believe me - you’ve got an eternity.
Riley: [Softens] Thanks, Ev. I guess we’ve learned the true meaning of Fuckmas today.
Evelyn: Heck yeah, learning! That’s what I’m talking about!
SOUND: Rumbling, as Evelyn’s poltergeist powers mess with the room.
Riley: Uh, maybe calm it down there? You’re poltergeisting all over the room.
Evelyn: Oops. Sorry. Got a little carried away, I guess.
Riley: Jizzmas!
Evelyn: What!?
Riley: I should have said “the true meaning of Jizzmas.” God fucking damn it. We can’t even edit this shit!
Evelyn: Glad you’ve got your priorities back in order, Riles.
Riley: Just end the episode, I embarrassed myself enough today. Fuck!
[THE END]