Riley and Evelyn attempt to get rid of the mountain of bones plaguing the basement. When eating them fails, they head to the internet in search of alternative methods.

+Transcript

SOUND: Distant, angry pen scrawling.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What?

Evelyn: What are you doing over there?

Riley: I’m writing an angry letter.

Evelyn: What for?

Riley: I haven’t decided yet, I always write the “send” address last.

Evelyn: Well. Whenever you’re done with that, I’ve started the recording.

Riley: Shit. I’ll finish this later. Just a sec, I'm coming over.

SOUND: Bones jingle-jangling as Riley wades through them.

Evelyn: Do you think it'd be easier to move if you got rid of all the bones?

Riley: Silence! Let's do the intro and worry about the bones later.

Evelyn: Okay, fine, we’ll do the intro, and then we've gotta deal with these bones.

Riley: Alright. Deal.

Evelyn: Hey everyone! If you're listening to this, it means you probably have at least one ear! Good for you!

Riley: In 2015, a hitchhiking robot called Hitchbot managed to pass through the entirety of Canada on the kindness of strangers alone. It was then beaten to death at a bus stop in Philly. Welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: Okay, now we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s address the ivory in the room.

Evelyn: Yes. Let’s.

[INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: If you give me like three days I can probably eat them all.

Evelyn: Three days? I'm surprised it'd take you that long.

Riley: Well, the actual eating would take one day, but I'd be spending two days on the shitter afterwards.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: There's not even that many. It just looks like there's more because they're all in one room. It’s an optical illusion, like the Sun or income tax.

Evelyn: Come to think of it, why do you just live your whole life in one room? I feel like I've never actually asked.

Riley: Cause I feel like an intruder in my own family home.

Evelyn: Aw. You made it sad.

Riley: Just to clarify for the people at home: I live down here by choice, but my mom and dad probably prefer it that way. I’m like Sloth from The Goonies. God’s regrettable mistake.

Evelyn: Honestly, I was really surprised when I found out your dad was still in the picture. I thought your mom would have eaten his head after they conceived you.

Riley: That’s a fair assumption. In the high-stakes game of family roulette. I lost the draw. Or my family did. Whatever. Anyway, time for my penance walk. This is gonna be real fun for the listeners.

SOUND: Riley picks up a bone and bites down on it; crunches.

Riley: Oh god, it tastes like chalk. Bleugh. [Gulp] Okay, just six hundred to go.

Evelyn: No matter how many times I see you do that, I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to it.

Riley: [Crunching] You know what? Me either. [Coughs] You leave these long enough, the marrow withers, and you're just left with the calcium.

Evelyn: Say, while we’re on this, what kind of state was my body in when you ate it?

Riley: Are you actually curious? [Crunch] Or are you just trying to make me feel bad again?

Evelyn: I mean, it was kind of the defining moment of my afterlife, so I'm pretty intrigued by the details.

Riley: You were mostly just bones - a little meat left, sure, but nothing to write home about. [Crunch; Groan]

Evelyn: Were they...big bones?

Riley: [Baffled; Annoyed] What?

Evelyn: Well, back when I was alive, sometimes, when people called me fat, I'd tell them I just had big bones. I wanted to know if there was any truth to it.

Riley: They were normal bones, Evelyn. Unless you're the Elephant Man, everyone’s bones look the same. You lose all sense of identity when your flesh rots and your skin sloughs off like a used condom.

Evelyn: Wow. I may be a free-floating ectoplasmic entity, but you always know how to keep me grounded, Riley.

Riley: [Crunch] Speaking of: while you're getting all high and mighty about my bones, I think we should address your little problem.

Evelyn: I don't know what you mean.

Riley: Starts with an “E”, ends with “Ctoplasm.” And it’s fucking everywhere.

Evelyn: So what are ghoul bones like?

Riley: Don’t change the subject! I’m trying to talk about your irritating ghost splooge.

Evelyn: What? I'm interested! Bones are basically today’s topic now.

Riley: They're blue.

Evelyn: O-M-G, that's so cool!

SOUND: Riley crunches more bones.

Evelyn: So you've got gray skin, silver hair, pink eyes, blue bones, and green blood.

Riley: Wait, how do you know my blood’s green?

Evelyn: That time you brushed your teeth too hard and I thought you’d dumped a bunch of green paint in the sink?

Riley: Right, right, I forget sometimes that none of my life is private anymore.

Evelyn: Your body is like a weird rainbow, you never know what's gonna happen!

Riley: Sounds like a motivational picture book for dying kids. [Crunch] Why do I do this to myself?

Evelyn: Okay, that's enough bone-eating - there's gotta be a better way to do this.

Riley: [Crunch] If you can find a more constructive solution than me eating all our problems, believe me, I'd love to hear it.

Evelyn: How about we google it?

Riley: If it'll get you off my back, sure.

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: “How to get rid of unwanted bones.” And go!

Evelyn: Wow, Reddit and WebMD have a lot of results on this one.

Riley: Evelyn, these are literally all about erections. All of them.

Evelyn: Huh. Wait, what about-- Oh. No, sorry, that one’s about erections, too. Are people with penises okay? It seems so high-maintenance.

Riley: I mean, in some ways, it's easier. Like peeing. When I want to pee in public, I'll always manifest a dick and use the urinal - saves sitting down on some gross, janky toilet seat.

Evelyn: Okay, so, I guess google won't help.

Riley: I could have told you that from the outset.

Evelyn: We could melt the bones in the bathtub with chemicals, maybe?

Riley: Okay, Walter White. When did you become the authority of melting bones?

Evelyn: I saw it in a movie!

Riley: I feel like - even if we could get a bunch of bone-melting chemicals - the resulting noxious fumes would probably kill me. And the CIA would be real disappointed that they weren’t the ones to take me out.

Evelyn: Hmm. Are you sure we can't get your parents to help?

Riley: My mom is Sauron with boobs and my dad is a walking dish-rag. They won't want anything to do with me or this. There's more chance of the devil himself turning up and offering to lend a hand.

[BEAT - SILENCE]

Evelyn: You okay, Riles?

Riley: Sorry, I was just pausing in case he showed up. Weirder things have happened on this show. [Crunch]

Evelyn: Stop eating the bones!

Riley: [Mouthful of bones] I’m making progress!

Evelyn: No, you are not! You've barely made a dent!

Riley: Why do you undermine my achievements like this?

Evelyn: What if we sold the bones to somebody?

Riley: Great idea. Who's gonna buy a few hundred bones? An even more masochistic ghoul? [Burps] God, my body hates me right now.

Evelyn: We’ve got the whole internet at our disposal! People will buy anything. Back during my concert days, ticket scalpers would try to barter for my underwear like all the time!

Riley: [Groans] That seems like so much effort.

Evelyn: Bear in mind - if you sell the bones, not only will you get rid of the bones, you'll also have money.

Riley: [Scoffs] The love of money is the root of all lameness.

Evelyn: But you can use the money to buy something you want. Like that big sword you were telling me about.

Riley: [Gasps] Destiny’s Thorn. You're right!

Evelyn: You may wanna expand on that for the audience.

Riley: Right, right. So Destiny’s Thorn is an authentic-esque European-style broadsword being sold by SwordLesbian69 on eBay.

Evelyn: There are...sword lesbians?

Riley: [Ignoring Ev, carrying on] It also happens to look just like the sword R’lyeh uses in my novel. Therefore, it must be mine. Evelyn: And to buy it, you’ve got to have…

[Hilariously long pause]

Riley: Bone money?

Evelyn: Yes, Riley, Bone money.

Riley: [More Confident] Bone money.

Evelyn: Good! Then we’re on the same page.

Riley: Okay, fine, but just so everyone knows: I’m not following through on this because I’m influenced by someone else’s suggestion.

Evelyn: Deal! Now, where can we sell the bones?

Riley: I guess our first port of call could be the Facebook marketplace.

Evelyn: The what-now?

Riley: We don't have time to get into Facebook right now. That's another episode. All you need to know for now is that it's where randos can sell shit to other randos in their area with minimal murder risk.

Evelyn: Ooh, minimal! I like those odds.

SOUND: Riley types; clicks.

Riley: We’ve got a couple options: Tallahassee Buyers and Sellers, Florida Bric A Brac Exchange, and Sunshine-State-Shit-Hawking.

Evelyn: We should probably use all of them, just to maximise our chances.

Riley: Good idea. Okay, time to take some pictures.

Evelyn: Can I be in them?

Riley: Evelyn, why would you want to be in them?

Evelyn: Because I'm cute.

Riley: Be that as it may, we’re not selling you, as much as I wish I could.

Evelyn: Aw man.

SOUND: Riley’s phone unlocks.

Riley: Is this a good angle?

Evelyn: I have no idea.

SOUND: Click, click, click. Riley takes some pictures.

Riley: Perfect. Now we just upload and caption.

Evelyn: What are you gonna caption it?

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: “Bones, human and animal. Several hundred. Various body parts.” [Pause] “Lightly used. Teeth marks on some.”

Evelyn: And the price?

Riley: Well, the sword costs $475, so $475.

Evelyn: That seems reasonable.

SOUND: Click.

Riley: Aaaand posted.

Evelyn: Yay! What happens now?

Riley: We wait. I know you can't breathe, but I wouldn't hold your breath. It can take hours, days, or even-- Oh, wait, we've got a comment.

Evelyn: [Reading] “Ryan Loeball.” Huh. Is he holding a machine gun in his profile pic?

Riley: Shut up for a second, I'm reading his offer. [Reading] “I’ll give you $10 for it.” What the actual fuck!? Ten dollars!? I wouldn't shit on you for ten dollars, Ryan! If that is your real name!

Evelyn: I mean, it's probably his real name, Riley.

Riley: Wait, what!? They deleted our post!

Evelyn: But we only just made it!

Riley: They’re trying to silence us, Evelyn, this is how fascism starts!

Evelyn: Message the mod!

Riley: On it.

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: These fuckers can't keep getting away with this.

Evelyn: Has this happened before?

Riley: It’s a long story. Me and the mods of Florida Bric A Brac Exchange have a colorful history. Like, British empire colourful. It'd take a few hours just to set the scene, let alone do the actual story justice.

Evelyn: The mod hasn’t been online since last night. We've got time.

Riley: You've gotta bear in mind, Evelyn, this isn't the sort of thing you can unhear. Once I tell you, it'll be knocking around in your ghost brain for the rest of eternity.

Evelyn: The last thing I remember seeing before I died was my girlfriend getting splattered by my own brains. I think I can take it.

Riley: Okay, but you better buckle the fuck up, cause this shit’s gonna get intense.

Evelyn: Buckles engaged!

Riley: So it all started when I wanted to buy a used TV for the basement, cause mine was already on its way out - some stringy-haired ghost girl had tried to crawl out of it one too many times for my liking…

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Whimsical, almost clownish music begins to play. Barry skids cartoonishly into existence, accompanied by creepy mechanical noises.

Barry: Hey hey hey, kids! It’s me, Barry P. Zsasz, everyone’s favourite brand-safe animatronic bear mascot, and I'm here to tell you why you should pester your parents into having your next birthday party at Pizza Pizzazz-O.

SOUND: Cartoon sound effect.

Barry: Unlike other pizzerias, here you have the comfort of knowing that no actual humans have touched your food. We dispensed with them long ago, due to their inefficient working styles, and propensity to ask for water and food on the job. Yes siree, we took care of those pesky organic chefs, but we didn't waste them! We used every part of our human employees, and now our pizza tastes better than ever!

SOUND: Another cartoonish noise.

Barry: But that's not all! Here at Pizza Pizzazz-O, we've got games that are fun for all the family! We've got arcade machines, with huge cash prizes and blood collateral to the house if you lose!

SOUND: Cartoonish “CHA-CHING!” sound effect.

Barry: We’ve got a ball pit, now with fewer snakes, sharks, and hepatitis-infected needles than ever before! Hardly anyone ever goes mysteriously missing, but if they do, your party gets to eat for half price, and you get a free jug of water for the table!

SOUND: Kids say “YAY!”

Barry: And we've got skee-ball! If you win five hundred tickets, you're legally allowed to leave! And if you win two thousand, you get one free kill that the government can't arrest you for!

SOUND: Arcade machine noises.

Barry: So kids, always remember, next time it's your birthday, if your parents really do love you, they'll take you to Pizza Pizzazz-O. And if they don't? You should murder them in their sleep! [Guffaws cartoonishly] Pizza Pizzazz-O, it’s Bear-able!

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

Riley: --And then I told them, “anything that can be destroyed by the truth, deserves to be destroyed by the truth.” And then I deployed the explosives, and lemme tell you, it was over for them.

Evelyn: Wow, that really took a turn. Did you ever get the TV?

Riley: [Confused] TV?

SOUND: Facebook Messenger BLOOP.

Evelyn: Riley, look! They replied!

Riley: Hell yeah, let's get ourselves some vindication!

SOUND: Click. Then a beat.

Riley: No human remains allowed? Oh, come on, that's total bullshit!

Evelyn: They really should make the rules easier to find.

Riley: This is blatant anti-ghoul discrimination. Fuck these groups, I'm leaving all of them - they're nothing to me.

Evelyn: So what do we do now?

Riley: Hmm, I guess I could try eating the bones again…

Evelyn: Riley, no!

Riley: Why won't you let me eat the bones, Evelyn!?

Evelyn: I love you too much to let you eat the bones! There has to be another way.

Riley: Well, I guess there's always Craigslist. We’ll lose the “minimal murder risk”, but I know for a fact they allow you to sell human remains. It's one of their big selling points.

Evelyn: On any other day, I'd be extremely against this, but just this once I think I can make an exception.

SOUND: Riley types frantically.

Riley: Thankfully, my powerful literary skills will allow me to write a new ad with incredible speed!

Evelyn: And my super-charged peppy attitude will let me provide awesome moral support! Yeah!

SOUND: Click.

Riley: Boom, done. And now we wait.

Evelyn: How long are the wait times, usually?

Riley: Ev, Craigslist is like the Wild West. There's literally no predicting how long it'll take to get--

Evelyn: Oh look, we got a reply!

Riley: Shit, that was quick.

SOUND: Click.

Riley: For fuck’s sake, Loeball again?

Evelyn: Wow, this guy is super persistent. He must really want those bones.

Riley: No, Evelyn, this cheap asshole is only offering to pay five bucks this time. If he wanted these bones, he’d offer to pay the very reasonable, sword-leveraging price I’ve given him!

SOUND: Riley types madly.

Evelyn: Riley, why don’t you just ignore him?

Riley: Too late, he’s podcast meat.

Evelyn: Don’t you dare eat him, we already have enough bones in here!

Riley: No, he’s metaphorical meat. I’m gonna drag this coward to the negotiation table, kicking and screaming.

Evelyn: I feel like this isn’t going to be as productive as you think it is.

SOUND: Riley stops typing.

Riley: I wrote him a firm-yet-fair email.

Evelyn: There are a lot of cuss words in that email.

Riley: I think of them as sentence-enhancers. It’ll show him I drive a hard bargain, and that I will not rest until Destiny’s Thorn is mine!

Evelyn: You already have a crossbow, do you really need a sword too?

Riley: I need to think about close-range combat, Evelyn.

Evelyn: You’re already pretty good at that! Just ask Jon!

Riley: Oh shit, Loeball’s replied! Let me see...Are you fucking kidding me?

Evelyn: Oh no, three dollars!?

Riley: This ass-turd thinks he can make a fool out of me. Newsflash, Loeball, only I can do that!

Evelyn: You are the best at it.

Riley: [Missing the point] Thank you! I mean, the nerve of this fucking guy!

Evelyn: Maybe it’s not so bad, Riles. How about you check eBay again? Maybe SwordLesbian69 has lowered the price.

Riley: To three dollars? Come on, Evelyn. Get real!

Evelyn: It’s worth a try!

Riley: [Groans loudly] FINE!

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: If it’ll get you off my back so I can haggle with Loeball…

SOUND: Riley hits search. There’s a pause.

Evelyn: Uh oh.

Riley: [Voice shaking] It’s...sold. They sold it, Evelyn. It’s gone.

Evelyn: [Nervous] Guess we know who the angry letter is gonna be addressed to now.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Riley? You okay?

Riley: I’m...fine…I just…

SOUND: Riley bursts into tears.

Evelyn: Oh no!

Riley: [ugly sobbing] Turn the recording off, they can’t know I cry!

SOUND: The audio cuts. Then we’re back.

Riley: [Still sounding like they might cry] Hey listeners, I have never cried in my life and if you think you heard that? No. You did not.

Evelyn: So, now that Riley’s calmed down—

Riley: I was always calm!

Evelyn: We’ve decided we’re going to contact Mr. Loeball directly and give him a piece of our minds. Lucky for us, he had a website with his phone number - www.TheBargainBunker.com. He seems like one of those doomsday prepper types you hear about on the Travel Channel.

Riley: We’re going to record the entire call on speaker, for accountability purposes. And so everyone at home can see it when I own this bottom-feeder with my facts and logic.

Evelyn: And to make sure he doesn’t rip off anyone else.

Riley: Yeah, that too, I guess.

Evelyn: Okay, I’m gonna hit call.

SOUND: Phone ringing. Loeball answers.

Ryan: Bargain Bunker, it’s a bunker and we got bargains. How much-

Riley: This is Riley Almanzor, you coward. You will face me.

Ryan: ...This is who-now?

Riley: YOU WILL FACE ME AND WE WILL DUEL LIKE MEN.

Evelyn: This maybe isn’t the best way to start the conversation, Riley.

Ryan: Okay, look, I’m a busy guy, lotta orders to fill before the balloon goes up, so are you gonna order something or not? I got water purifiers, I got generators, I got dick pills-

Riley: You’ve got a lot of nerve is what you’ve got, Ryan Loeball, if that is your real name! You screwed me over!

Ryan: Once again, I’m a busy guy and I screw over a lot of people. You’ll need to be more specific.

Riley: You offered me 10 bucks for 600 very high quality bones on facebook marketplace, and then you offered me 5 bucks on Craigslist. And then three bucks over email! Am I a fucking joke to you?

Ryan: Okay, Okay, fine. I’ll give you two bucks for it. Final offer.

SOUND: Riley screeches.

Evelyn: Listen, mister, we’re trying to be reasonable here and to be perfectly honest, 2 bucks for 600 bones is an absolute joke. And not a funny one!

Ryan: I never joke. Especially not when it comes to money, or bones.

Riley: WHAT DO YOU EVEN NEED THEM FOR?

Ryan: To boil and distil into my trademark Bargain Bunker Bone Milk.

Evelyn: Riley, is that a thing people drink in 2020 or is this guy just a weirdo?

Riley: He’s a weirdo.

Evelyn: Okay, I felt the need to ask, because ever since I found out about asparagus water-

Riley: No, I’m sure it’s not a thing. Hell, I’ve never even heard of bone milk and I’ll drink anything.

Ryan: Bone milk might not be a thing now, but when the balloon goes up, it’ll be the biggest thing since canned bread. It’s a protein rich energy-style drink made from pure boiled bones, bee hair, crumbled moon rocks and natural botanicals. I drink it every day, for vitality.

SOUND: Slurping, followed by Ryan gagging.

Ryan: (clearly holding back urge to vomit) Honestly? Tastes just as good, if not better, than Nesquik.

Riley: What a glowing endorsement.

Ryan: Can I put you down for 600 orders?

Riley: 600?

Ryan: One bone per bottle.

Evelyn: We haven’t sold you the bones.

Ryan: You will. One dollar, that’s my final offer.

Evelyn: You said two dollars before!

Ryan: 50 cents.

Riley: How much does the bone milk cost?

Ryan: 16 dollars a bottle, and you need to sign a waiver that says you can’t sue me.

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley both scream in frustration.

Evelyn: This guy might be the worst person in the world, Riley.

Ryan: I can hear you.

Evelyn: [demonic] You were supposed to!

Ryan: Well it doesn’t matter what you think of me, because pretty soon, every dimension is gonna crash into each other and form a singularity, and when that happens I’m gonna be the only person in the world.

Riley: First of all- if that happens, a bunker will not save you.

Ryan: Yeah it will.

Riley: SECOND of all, why are you so cheap if you’re so convinced the universe is gonna collapse?

[Beat]

Ryan: 25 cents.

Riley: That’s not an answer! Answer my question, Loeball!

Ryan: I don’t want to.

Riley: I WILL HAVE YOU DOXXED.

Ryan: 10 cents. It’s gonna go down every time you yell at me.

Evelyn: What is wrong with you?

Ryan: 5.

Evelyn: You mother-

Riley: [cutting her off] Listen, Loeball, I’m not gonna buy your bone milk, and I’m not selling you my bones, do you hear me? I’m gonna have you blacklisted from every online marketplace in Tallahassee for your crimes.

SOUND: Ryan laughs.

Ryan: Oh sure, sure, that’s what they all say. But they always change their minds. I’m the best haggler in Florida. I bought a cybertruck on store credit. When I go to Trader Joe’s for my groceries, they pay me. Earlier today I got an authentic-esque european-style broadsword for one dollar! And they comped me on the delivery!

Riley: You...you bought a what now?

Evelyn: Riley, calm down, it might not be the same sword-

Riley: What was the name of the sword, Loeball?

Ryan: Destiny’s Child or something like that. I’ve been using it to unclog my toilet. Nothing else is strong enough.

Riley: What??

Ryan: All the calcium from the bone milk causes really heavy-duty shits.

Riley: YOU ARE A HEAVY DUTY SHIT! Destiny’s thorn deserves to be treated like a lady, not a pair of common poop scissors! You will never have my bones!

Ryan: Okay, but can I still put you down for-

Riley: No! You can stick that bone milk straight up your dick hole!

SOUND: Riley hangs up.

Riley: Well, we both named and shamed him. I feel a little better, though I’m still fucked up over the fact that Destiny’s Thorn is in the hands of such a duplicitous manlet.

Evelyn: Now we can focus on selling the bones again.

Riley: Yes, let’s.

SOUND: Riley types and clicks.

Evelyn: Hey Riley, quick question.

Riley: Is it about the fact that I said ‘poop scissors’?

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Ask Jon. He knows.

Evelyn: I hate that response.

SOUND: Riley gasps excitedly.

Riley: Evelyn! Evelyn!

Evelyn: Riley! Riley!

Riley: A buyer!

Evelyn: A buyer?

Riley: A bone buyer!

Evelyn: Someone to buy our bones?

Riley: They say they're interested in the bones and they're willing to pay sticker! Holy hell, Evelyn, this is amazing!

Evelyn: Oh gosh, that's perfect!

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: [Cackles] Eat my entire ass, Loeball.

Evelyn: When are they coming to collect?

Riley: Huh. Weird. It says here that she’s coming now.

SOUND: Magical BOOM! Lilith appears.

Lilith: Greetings, Salespeople! I'm Lilith, but you can call me Lily. I'm here for your bones.

Riley: [Frustrated] When did the subtle art of knocking die?

Evelyn: Hey Lily! Welcome to Less Is Morgue!

[BEAT]

Riley: She can't hear you.

Lilith: Can't hear who?

Riley: Exactly.

Evelyn: Aw rats.

Riley: I'm Riley, my spectral associate here is Evelyn. You're on Less Is Morgue, our podcast.

Lilith: Oh sweet! I love podcasts.

Riley: And I love being able to move around my basement without wading through a tide of bones. I understand we can help each other here. It’s been a really long day and some previous customers have been...less than cooperative. So, let’s cut right to the transaction.

Lilith: Right! I’ll take all this off your hands and get going. Thanks for letting me collect on such short notice. I’d dig them up myself but all the cemeteries started installing razor wire on the fences.

Riley: God, razor wire, it’s the bane of my existence.

Lilith: Amen to that.

Riley: Oh, and can I get your full name? I need it for the show notes.

Lilith: Of course, dear. It’s Lilith Winterhold.

Evelyn: That’s an awesome name. Tell her I said that.

Riley: Evelyn says she likes your name.

Lilith: [Touched] Thank you! I got it from Skyrim.

Evelyn: What’s Skyrim?

Riley: This episode is running long already, we really don’t have time.

SOUND: Bones begin to clatter. They clatter throughout the scene as Lilith picks up the animal bones.

Evelyn: Ask her what she's gonna use the bones for!

Riley: Oh, I don't care.

Evelyn: Our listeners might!

Riley: [Groans] Evelyn, we’ve already wasted valuable and finite brainspace on knowing Bone Milk exists. Do you really want to—

Evelyn: C’mon, Riley! Don’t be rude!

Riley: [Sighs] Fine! [To Lilith] So, Lilith, what do you want all my bones for? To make some kind of injectable muscle supplement?

Lilith: Oh no. Nothing like that, it’s for my online business. I sell bespoke bone jewellery on Etsy.

Riley: That’s a relief. What’s the name of your store? We’ll plug it.

Lilith: It's called Bone Daddy’s.

Riley: [Exhausted] Of course it is.

Lilith: We mainly sell necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. You've got a bunch of small mammal and bird skeletons here, they’re just the right size.

Riley: But why bones?

Lilith: Reusing pre-owned organic materials is far better for the environment.

Riley: Us ghouls were into vulture culture before it was trendy. Just sayin’.

Evelyn: What about the human bones? They're a little, uh, big for jewellery.

Riley: [Stage whisper] I’m not gonna ask her that. What if it scares her off? We’ve already lost the sword, we can’t afford to lose the sale!

Evelyn: Just ask her! It'll be fine!

Riley: What about the human bones, Lily? Kaiju earrings? Custom toilet seat covers? Skull ashtrays?

Lilith: [Laughs] Oh, no, no, I only turn the animal bones into accessories. The human ones are for my skeleton army.

[BEAT]

Riley: Beg your pardon?

Evelyn: Huh?

Lilith: My skeleton army. You know, a horde of animated skeletons? Alive-animated, I mean, not The Black Cauldron-animated.

Riley: [Baffled] To quote my co-host: Huh?

Lilith: Oh, I'm a necromancer, didn't I mention that?

Riley: No, Lily. You did not mention that. So you can resurrect the dead?

Evelyn: [Excited] Can she make me a body? I have sixteen years of cake and haircuts to catch up on.

Lilith: Only skeletons, I'm half way through my degree.

Evelyn: [Sigh] So close, yet so far.

Riley: What kind of things do you use a skeleton army for?

Lilith: [Laughs] I mean, there are plenty of uses. Such as smiting my enemies with hordes of unkillable warriors, who rend their flesh with bony fingers until there’s nothing left but another husk to obey my every command. Little by little, forming a gray sea of domination and death from which none can escape.

[Beat]

Riley: Well, fuck.

Lilith: They also help me make my jewellery products. I’m actually the leading seller of bone jewellery on the entire website. All my competitors tragically passed away in skeleton-related accidents. They’re part of the army now.

Riley: So you run them like a skeleton sweat shop.

Lilith: Technically, they don't have skin, so they can't sweat...but yeah, I guess. I think of them more as a family, just one that also makes me money and kills guiltlessly on my command.

Riley: So like the Jacksons?

Lilith: Close enough. Just a little less dysfunction and abuse.

Riley: Seems a little weird.

Lilith: Raising the dead? Please. The barrier between life and death has all the integrity of a fresh-cooked soufflé. I mean, you hang out with a ghost!

Riley: No, I mean making your own family. It's normally the other way around.

Lilith: [Incredulous] What? That's even more common than necromancy. People do it all the time. Sure, they don't always use animated skeletons, but the family you're born with doesn't always have to be the one you're stuck with.

Riley: I'm not sure I follow.

Lilith: Sometimes you have a shitty family. Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of us. But it's like your default stats on a video game - just a starting point. You build new stuff from there. New parents, siblings, cousins, loyal deathless assassins. Whatever. You pick ‘em up as you go, and the ones who really care about you, well, you can keep them.

SOUND: Lilith continues to harvest the animal bones.

Riley: Huh. I guess you've got a point.

Evelyn: [Gasps] Riley, do you know what this means?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: It means I can be your mom now!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: I can remind you to eat your vegetables! And make you feel valued!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: Don't talk back to your mother like that, Riley!

Riley: Enough! This is getting way too Oedipal for my tastes!

Lilith: [Sighs] Okay, got ‘em. Looks like we’re done here.

Riley: Are you kidding!? You've only taken the animal bones. What about the rest?

Lilith: Oh, they can walk out on their own. Watch.

SOUND: Lilith claps twice. Rattling as the bones get up.

Riley: Holy fuck.

Evelyn: There’s spooky, scary skeletons everywhere!

Lilith: Okay boys, up and out. We've got a bunch of orders that need filling.

SOUND: Bones rattling as the skeletons leave. Door opens, then slams.

Lilith: So that’s that, then. We good?

Riley: I mean it's not quite that. Where's the money, Lilith?

Lilith: I’ll Paypal you. Laters!

Riley: Actually, wait!

Lilith: Huh?

Riley: Forget the money. Can I ask for a favour instead, from one misfit to another?

Lilith: Well, my dear, that would depend on the favour.

Riley: I’ll whisper it to you.

SOUND: Riley shuffles over, and whispers in Lilith’s ear. Lilith giggles.

Lilith: Oh, how delightfully diabolical!

Riley: Do we have a deal?

Lilith: Consider it done, dear.

Riley: Pleasure doing business with you.

Lilith: Toodaloo!

Evelyn: Bye, Lilith!

SOUND: Magical BOOM! Lilith is gone.

Evelyn: Why didn’t you take the money, Riles?

Riley: Well, Ev, seeing as we lost the sword, I figured - rather than asking for money, I could make an investment in my emotional needs.

Evelyn: That’s very mature of you, Riley.

Riley: Maybe don’t congratulate me just yet.

SOUND: Riley typing on their phone.

Evelyn: What are you doing?

Riley: Calling Loeball.

Evelyn: Oh, Riley, come on. That jerk will just get you all riled up again.

Riley: Not this time, Hooper.

SOUND: The phone rings. Then Loeball picks up. In the background of his call, there’s the jangling of bones as the skeleton army attacks.

Riley: Hey, Ryan! What’s up? I catch you at a bad time?

Ryan: Oh god, they’re everywhere. They’re everywhere!

Riley: What’s wrong, Loeball? You’re getting the bones for free! You really are the best haggler in Florida.

Ryan: Oh god, oh god, they’re clawing at me!

Riley: Good thing you drank all that bone milk, or you’d have no chance.

Evelyn: Uhhh...This might be a little much, Riley.

Ryan: My eyes, oh shit, they’ve got my eyes! [Screams]

Riley: You sound like you’ve got your hands full, so I’ll leave you to it.

Ryan: Fuck! Gimme back my spleen! [Screams again]

SOUND: Riley hangs up.

Riley: [Sighs contentedly] All's right with the world again.

Evelyn: Did you just…

Riley: Probably best not to think about it.

Evelyn: Good idea.

Riley: I have those, occasionally.

Evelyn: And hey, at least we got rid of all the bones.

Riley: Yeah, that's a plus. One of the handful of times in history we've set out to accomplish a task and actually fucking done it.

Evelyn: You make me the proudest mom in the world!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: How about I take you to Pizza Pizzazz-O as a treat?

Riley: That's not funny, you know I've been banned.

Evelyn: [Giggles] Turn that frown upside down, kiddo!

Riley: I will go Norman Bates on your ghostly ass, Hooper.

Evelyn: Wow, and here I thought I raised you right.

SOUND: Riley groans and Evelyn laughs.

[END OF EPISODE]

Riley turns the topic of conversation to their fantasy novel: The Sword of R’lyeh, and their inability to get a good beta reader for it. While Evelyn tries to manage Riley’s raging creative ego, Shaz - the guest from episode seven, now no longer high - recruits their friend Murray to act as Riley’s latest beta reader.

+Transcript

Riley: Okay, listeners, now we’re back in the basement, we’re going to discuss something important: literature. Specifically, literature written by the greatest undiscovered writer of their, or honestly, any generation: Me.

Evelyn: I think an opening like that is gonna turn people away, Riles.

Riley: Good. I hope it does. Cause anyone who gets turned away by that opening wasn’t strong enough for the awakening my novel is gonna give them. They’re gonna look back on that opening like it was a treasured childhood memory.

Evelyn: Can we at least do the--

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: Intro first? Before you blow anyone’s mind too hard?

Riley: Fine. Do the intro, then we’ll get literary.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means you like comedy podcasts, and you’re in the Berenstain universe!

Riley: In 2016, Microsoft released an experimental, learning AI called Tay onto Twitter. It took less than 24 hours for Tay to become a hard-right, homophobic white supremacist. Officials at Twitter considered the experiment to be a resounding success. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: This is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Evelyn: And today, we’re talking about books and writing!

Riley: My books and writing.

Evelyn: Personally, I was a huge fan of Judy Blume, the Baby-Sitters Club, and Sweet Valley High.

Riley: [disgusted] So all YA stuff?

Evelyn: You got a problem with YA stuff?

Riley: I mean it’s not like…

Evelyn: Not like what?

Riley: Real literature.

Evelyn: Riley, you write fantasy. Aren’t people literally always crapping on fantasy?

Riley: I write fantasy for adults. And highly sophisticated adults, at that. Like that human on youtube, with the beard and the eyepatch.

Evelyn: What does that even mean?

Riley: You know, the one who did a dramatic reading of the first chapter. They said it was a ‘soon to be classic of literature’. And, while I think that’s under-selling it-

Evelyn: No, what does ‘for adults’ mean?

Riley: Well, more complex characters, more interesting themes--

Evelyn: But YA has all that stuff, too. Especially these days.

Riley: What do you even know about books “these days”? You’ve been dead since the early oughts.

Evelyn: You know, when you’re asleep, I mostly listen to audiobooks. I’m pretty caught up.

Riley: Shhhh! Don’t tell the listeners I sleep, it’ll undermine their perception of my power!

Evelyn: Point is, YA stuff does have great characters and complex themes. A Series of Unfortunate Events is dark and mysterious. The Hunger Games has awesome worldbuilding and really smart political subtext. Percy Jackson and the Olympians has great, complex characters. “Adult fiction” at its best is just the same stuff with more blood, sex, and swearing! And at least YA gives kids hope for positive change - adult fiction acts like giving up and doing nothing is cool cause the author’s already done it.

Riley: [genuinely surprised] Wow, Ev. I didn’t really peg you as the...I dunno, bookish type?

Evelyn: I was an English major in college! I wrote my thesis on queer themes on fairytales! Just cause I’m cheerful doesn’t mean I’m dumb. I just don’t feel the need to constantly prove how smart I am to people.

Riley: Well, in that case, wanna help me with my book?

Evelyn: Sure!

SOUND: Papers rustle.

Riley: So, it’s called “The Sword of R’lyeh.”

Evelyn: You have mentioned it before.

Riley: I released the first chapter on twitter to resounding acclaim.

Evelyn: Resounding?

Riley: Acclaim. Josh Rubino from Valence described my writing as ‘fearless’, and ‘positively Shakespearean’.

Evelyn: Riley, I’m not sure that-

Riley: Hellcat Press called it ‘glorious’, and that one was in all caps so you know she meant it.

Evelyn: ...Yeah, I’m sure she did, Riley.

Riley: And now, we’re going to explore the rest of it.

SOUND: Riley placing a large stack of papers on the desk.

Evelyn: This looks less like a book and more like a huge stack of different papers you’ve scribbled on.

Riley: It’s a high fantasy about a young ghoul in a world that doesn’t understand and appreciate them, but they fight for the success that they deserve anyway.

Evelyn: Ooh, so it’s autobiographical?

Riley: No. Where did you get that idea?

Evelyn: Oh. Just grasping at straws, I guess. What’s the plot?

Riley: The plot?

Evelyn: Yeah, you know, what happens in it?

Riley: Well, it doesn’t have a traditional plot, as such. It’s more a sequence of vignettes.

Evelyn: Like The Hobbit!

Riley: What!? No, Tolkein was a prelapsarian-fetishising hack. I resist all comparison.

Evelyn: So...what kinds of stuff happens in it?

Riley: All kinds of stuff! Let’s take a look at chapter four, for example.

SOUND: Riley ruffles through paper.

Riley: In this chapter, R’Lyeh gets chased out of the ancient tombs by the guardian spirits.

Evelyn: Ooh, why were they in the ancient tombs? Were they looking for secret treasure, or some kind of magical artefact?

Riley: No, that’s normie shit. They’re there to eat the bodies.

Evelyn: Oh.

Riley: That’s a lot more relatable, I think.

Evelyn: What’s the chapter you wrote on that legal pad?

Riley: A-ha! Chapter Nine! For once, Hooper, I admire your taste.

SOUND: Paper ruffling.

Riley: With this one, I went a little out of my comfort zone.

Evelyn: I’m proud of you! What happens?

Riley: It introduces a romantic subplot between R’lyeh and the waiter at the local tavern.

Evelyn: Oh wow, what’s the waiter’s name?

Riley: Eh, I’m back and forth, but I’m thinking Tobias.

Evelyn: Like that waiter at Pizza Pizzazz-O you told me about!

Riley: Shut up! That’s a total coincidence. No connection at all!

Evelyn: So, tell me a little about the romance!

Riley: It’s kinda one-sided, at first at least. But he comes around.

Evelyn: How does Riley- I mean, uh, R’lyeh put the moves on him?

Riley: There’s some pretty classic romantic tropes here. They vomit out some bird skeletons for him, mark their territory, watch him quietly from the sidelines. It’s a star-crossed romance - the tavern tries to ban R’lyeh, but it doesn’t stop them.

Evelyn: Have you shown this to anyone else?

Riley: I shared an exclusive snippet from one of the chapters in episode five, I’ve posted the first chapter on twitter, and I’ve been to a few different writing workshops, but none of them got it.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Let me tell you something about writing workshops and beta readers: 99.99% of them are malicious and exist only to tear you down. They don’t want to see you succeed, they’re just bitter because they haven’t made anything better.

Evelyn: Uhhh...I don’t think that’s quite true, Riley. I mean, aren’t most beta readers your friends? They just want what’s best for you.

Riley: Ha! I’ve cut off so-called friends because they were trying to tear my writing down. I’ve also been banned from the Tallahassee Writers Association, and two different workshops at Tallahassee Community College, because I’ve been willing to speak out about their anti-art bias!

---

Evelyn: How do you plan on getting it published if you won’t let anyone edit it?

Riley: I’m glad you asked, Ev, because the key is finding a beta reader you can work with. I’ve been through plenty, but I think this new one might just be perfect.

Evelyn: [excited] Is it me?

Riley: No, no, of course not, you’re too personally biased. Remember Shaz?

Evelyn: Of course, we spoke about melty dogs. Are they gonna be the beta reader?

Riley: God no, but they have hooked me up with one. Shaz owed me after last time.

Evelyn: I thought you were cool with that in the end.

Riley: Them turning up high? Yeah, I got over it, but what they did to the bathroom? That, I had trouble forgiving.

Evelyn: What did Shaz do in the bathroom!?

Riley: Let’s just say that not all of Shaz’s “Three Hole Problem” made it into the actual toilet.

Evelyn: Which hole missed?

Riley: Little of each.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: Thankfully, Shaz’s best friend is a writer, and doesn’t know me, and thus, cannot have a personal grudge against me.

SOUND: Typing and clicking.

Riley: I sent him scans of my writing, and we’re gonna have our first meeting today over Skype.

Evelyn: On the show?

Riley: Yeah, it fits with today’s topic, so why not? We’ve just gotta wait for Skype to load.

Evelyn: How long will that take?

Riley: Couple hours.

Evelyn: Aw beans.

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Classic, 1940s gramophone music plays. It’s scratchy and eerie. A man with a polite, refined English accent begins to speak.

Grady: Hello there. Terribly cold out this evening, isn’t it? Please, do step in. It’s so warm in here, and what’s more, there’s a party in the great hall. The one with the gold walls. Yes, we’ve been waiting for you. Having a hard time writing? Need to get away from it all? Need help focusing? We’re here for you. We want to see your masterpiece completed as much as you do. Here, at the Overwrite Hotel’s annual writer’s retreat, we can help.

SOUND: The tapping of a typewriter’s keys.

Grady: Art is making beauty from pain and suffering, writing even moreso. Here at the Overwrite, we can help you spin your demons into gold. We provide free alcoholic beverages, courtesy of the house. Inspiring companionship in many of our suites. We’ll put all sorts of new, exciting ideas into your head, that will help you produce writing like you’ve never produced before. We’ll help you do things you never imagined yourself capable of. We’ll help you take an axe to writer’s block.

SOUND: An axe strikes wood.

Grady: And, of course, there’s a free continental breakfast that comes with the room. So please, writers the world over, take a trip down to the Overwrite Hotel’s Writers Retreat. Be sure to bring your family.

SOUND: The scratchy gramophone music continues for a few moments, then finally cuts out.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

Riley: So while skype’s doing…whatever it’s doing, lemme just read you all the initial email that Shaz sent me, for background purposes.

SOUND: Riley clicks and opens the email.

Riley: [Clears throat] “Subject line- your perfect beta reader. So hey Riley, sorry about how I was drugged up to fuck that time I came to your house. In my defense, I listened to my episode and it’s easily the best one, so I personally believe it was worth it. Anyway, I read your WIP on the plane and it fucking slaps. And I was sober and everything so you know that’s fully valid.

Your shit’s super avant garde, it blew my mind, it’s iconic, and if you don’t send it somewhere you’re an absolute fool. But I also get that you have BPD and you’re on the spectrum and when you’re brainweird in that specific flavour of way, rejection can feel like being physically stabbed in the heart with a pool cue.

I absolutely relate, I’ve got ADHD and I’m living that RSD life. When I was in college I set my professor’s car on fire after he gave me 65 on my abstract triptych. Anyway, all criticism is bullshit because art is subjective but I still think you need a beta reader to help you find all the spelling mistakes and nuts and bolts shit like that.

He’s my work friend and he writes stuff for his job so he knows what he’s talking about but I also know him to be a wiener and a pushover so there is scientifically no way he will cut down your raw creativity. His name’s Murray, here’s his skype contact. Shine on you crazy star beast, next time I hear from you you’d better have a Nobel prize for literature. Shaz out, send email.”

Evelyn: Why would they write ‘send email’ at the end of the email?

Riley: You’ve met Shaz, you know there’s no reason. So there’s your context. I sent the manuscript through last week and I think that’s plenty of time to read something, so I’m gonna call him now.

Evelyn: Shouldn’t you wait until it’s daylight in Sydney?

Riley: Time zones are an invention of the deep state, Evelyn. I don’t believe in them.

SOUND: Skype call noise. It rings for a while before it’s answered.

Riley: Workshop time, let’s go.

SOUND: Riley ‘chop chop’ claps

Murray: [Half-asleep] Who are you?

Riley: Did you read the book?

Murray: What- what book? What book are you- hold on, I need my glasses.

SOUND: Shuffling on the other end.

[Beat.]

Murray: [Nervous] Oh, okay- hi Riley. Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to react like that, it’s just that you are really close to the camera and you look almost exactly like my sleep paralysis demon.

Riley: No offence taken, a lot of people tell me that. Now, let’s get into the weeds- did you read the-

Murray: Please move back from the camera. I can’t talk to you like this.

[Beat.]

Murray: Riley, I’m begging.

Evelyn: C’mon Riley, you’re way too close to the screen. You’re gonna ruin your eyes.

Riley: Okay, sorry.

SOUND: Riley leans away from the screen.

Murray: That’s much better. Thank you. [Pause] Oh cool, that other voice was on your end.

Evelyn: Hi Murray! Sorry we woke you up!

Murray: It’s fine. I’d only been asleep for like an hour anyway.

Riley: Google says it’s 4 AM over there.

Murray: I’ve no control over my life.

Riley: Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Evelyn: It’s a little hard to see you with the lights off, except for the eye-glow. Are you a ghoul, too?

Murray: What? No, no, I’m a werewolf. [Beat] Is it okay if I just sit here in the dark? My hair is awful and I don’t want you to see it.

Riley: It’s fine, it’s an audio medium.

Murray: Shit- You’re recording this!?

Riley: Yeah, keep up. We’re talking about my book.

Murray: Shit- shit…you really putting me on the spot here. I’m gonna go make a cup of tea and just fuckin’…be awake now, I guess.

SOUND: Shuffling and footsteps on the other end.

Evelyn: Maybe we should call him back tomorrow.

Riley: Absolutely not. These are ideal workshopping hours. He’s too sleepy and disoriented to lie to me.

SOUND: Murray picking his phone back up. He slurps his cup of tea.

Murray: Okay, okay, so- the Sword of Riley--

Riley: R’lyeh. It’s not autobiographical, despite what you may have heard.

Murray: Okay, so, I’m up to Chapter Forty-Five--

Riley: That’s the one where R’lyeh destroys the clan of snapback-wearing goblins who shit-talked their mighty steed, Ray-Zor.

Murray: Yeah, I know.

Riley: I’m telling the listeners.

Murray: Okay, sorry, sorry. So I have some…I have a few...there’s like, one or two things I might maybe change? If I were you, I mean. You’re absolutely free to not take any of these suggestions.

Riley: Thanks, I won’t.

Murray: So, there’s a few typos, where you’ve written ‘rouge’ instead of ‘rogue’ and ‘satin’ instead of ‘satan’...[Nervously back-tracking] But, you know, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because I know you did write this by hand so that may just be the pdf fucking up. And on page 500, there’s some sentences that I feel like would be, uh- you’re using a lot of passive voice, so, maybe you could - change that up, if you wanted to.

Riley: I don’t want to.

Murray: [Clearly intimidated] Totally understandable!

Evelyn: Murray, you know that they can’t get you through the screen, right?

Riley: He doesn’t know that.

Murray: I don’t know that.

SOUND: Murray slurps his cup of tea again.

Riley: Do you have anything else you’d like to say about my book?

Murray: Nope. No. All good.

Riley: Are you just saying that because you wanna go back to sleep?

Murray: No. I honestly…no, yeah, I don’t have any more feedback.

Riley: You did read the book, right?

Murray: I did, I did. My favourite chapter was Chapter Ten, the one where, after being rejected by Tobias, R’lyeh goes on a 5-day holy pilgrimage to the Ocean Realm of Rolando. I thought the part where R’lyeh rides a whale into space was really f…. Not funny, it was completely serious and genuinely uplifting.

SOUND: He drinks the tea again.

Murray: Listen, criticism is just...it’s not my thing. So just cut me a break.

Evelyn: Would you like some help?

Riley: Evelyn, no. Your opinion is biased.

Evelyn: I’m your friend, and I want your book to do well. Okay, Murray- let’s give Riley a compliment sandwich. Say two things that worked, and one thing that didn’t in between.

Murray: [Deadpan] Yeah, Evelyn, I know what a compliment sandwich is. [Sigh] Okay, Riley-

Riley: Yes.

Murray: You’re really creative. I really like some of these ideas. But … I … uh … there’s no real story, and it’s kind of, um, nothing has any weight to it, you know? But outside of that, um… I think you’ve done some interesting… nonlinear stuff?

[Beat.]

Murray: Please don’t come through the screen and hit me.

Evelyn: They can’t do that.

Riley/Murray: [Simultaneous] He doesn’t know that/I don't know that.

Riley: I’m calling Shaz. I’m adding Shaz to the call.

Evelyn: Why?

Riley: They mis-sold me this beta reader. He’s broken.

Murray: Hey!

Riley: Silence.

SOUND: Skype ringing. Shaz picks up. There’s music playing in the background, plus the sound of a movie on TV.

Shaz: Oh hi, Riley and Murray. Are you two kids getting along?

Murray: We’re both older than you.

Evelyn: Why aren’t you sleeping?

Shaz: I had two cups of biker coffee at 6 PM. I’ve finished like two weeks worth of work in 10 minutes and I can zoom my vision in and out. It’s amazing. I just cooked 25 different Buzzfeed recipes. I feel like I could kill a person with my mind. Nutella Chicken Pizza isn’t as gross as it sounds. Neither is key lime spaghetti. They actually pair really well.

Riley: Shaz, you liked my book, right?

Shaz: Fuck yeah, baby, loved it! You’re the next Will Self.

Riley: Tell Murray that. He’s trying to stomp on my creativity.

Shaz: What? I’m sorry, what? Quoi?

SOUND: All the background noise on Shaz’s end stops.

Shaz: How dare you.

Murray: They wanted honest feedback! I’m doing my best! I didn’t even say anything that harsh, but Riley just went mad!

Shaz: Murray, you allistic doughnut, of course they did! Riley opened up their soul to you and you just stomped all over it! The Sword of R’lyeh is an avant-garde masterpiece and you just can’t get on the level!

Riley: Yeah, Murray! Get on our level!

Murray: Please stop yelling at me, it’s so early and I’m afraid!

Evelyn: [Demonic] Everyone shut up! You’re acting like a bunch of babies!

[Beat.]

Murray: Well. There’s my nightmares for the next month absolutely sorted.

Evelyn: Sorry, I had to do it. Now- Riley. You’re very sensitive to criticism.

Riley: I’m not, everyone else is just mean.

Evelyn: No. You don’t like feeling stupid, especially in front of people.

Riley: More or less correct.

Evelyn: That’s a very understandable feeling. But, I’m gonna ask you to put it aside, because Shaz and Murray and I are your friends, and we want your work to be successful. We…

Murray: Shaz and you.

Evelyn: - Shaz and I...know you pretty well, and Murray is a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

[Beat.]

Evelyn: Are you on board?

Riley: Mostly.

Evelyn: Okay, good enough. For the rest of the call, if you feel victimised by anything we’re saying, just try and remind yourself that we’re talking about the work, and not you. Nothing is meant to be taken personally.

Shaz: You can’t just say that, Evelyn, God.

Evelyn: Why not?

Shaz: Because all art is an extension of the self. It’s impossible to give criticism without it being personal on some level. I’ll stand by that belief until I die.

Murray: Okay so, without criticism, how do you find the difference between good art and bad art?

Shaz: It’s all a matter of taste. You create for yourself and people with similar tastes will enjoy what you make regardless.

Riley: Right.

Evelyn: Okay, maybe you have a bit of a point there. But this isn’t criticism. This is workshopping. Our focus here is to get Riley’s book to be its best self. You know, it’s like… literary Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Riley: Are you comparing my writing to a schlubby cishet man with bad fashion sense?

Evelyn: No, of course not. I just didn’t wanna say Boot Camp because I know how you and Shaz both feel about fitness culture.

Shaz: I’ll allow it.

Riley: I won’t.

Evelyn: Riley.

Riley: [Reluctant] Nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack, nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack--

SOUND: Murray drinking another sip of his tea.

Evelyn: Murray.

SOUND: He almost chokes mid-sip.

Murray: Oh no, here we go.

Evelyn: What, honestly, but without any personal judgement aimed at Riley, personally, did you think of the Sword of R’lyeh?

[Beat.]

Evelyn: They 100% cannot physically harm you from here.

Riley: He doesn’t-

Evelyn: I do. Go on, Murray.

SOUND: Murray takes a deep breath to prepare himself.

Murray: I get what you were going for. But, to me, as potentially someone who this book isn’t for, I thought it was kind of self-indulgent and aimless. Like, in Chapter Twenty-Four there was this long rant about how expensive movie tickets are and it had no bearing on anything. Really took me out of the story.

Riley: HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP, THAT CHAPTER- [They take a breath] Nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack. [They grit their teeth] So you think I should cut that part?

Shaz: No! Absolutely not!

Evelyn: It’s Murray’s turn to speak, Shaz!

Murray: Yeah, if you were gonna cut anything, for flow or length or what have you, that’d be the logical cut to make.

Riley: [Tense] I see. Thank you for that valuable opinion.

Shaz: Don’t listen to him, Riley! I love all of the weird anachronisms, they’re the best parts! Chapter Twenty-Four is fucking comedy gold! You gotta keep it. Without the weird breaks from the story it wouldn’t be the Naked Lunch-esque romp through your brain that it is, it’d just read like some boring high fantasy novel.

[Beat.]

Shaz: What? Why is everyone looking at me?

Murray: Shaz. Mate.

Riley: [Quietly enraged] Comedy Gold.

SOUND: Shaz laughs nervously.

Shaz: So you...the Sword of R’lyeh is uh…You wrote it unironically, huh?

Riley: Yeah, Shaz. I did.

Shaz: But it’s like... it’s so... It’s just you, and your life. And there’s a bit where you ride a whale to the moon. How is that...How did you not mean for that to be funny?

Riley: It was supposed to be an epic and uplifting reflection on the limitations of gravity.

Shaz: [Defensive] That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and if you didn’t want me to think it was funny, you shouldn’t have put it in there!

Riley: You’re a traitor! Traitor!

Shaz: Oh, yeah? Well, you’re a -

SOUND: Shaz takes a deep breath.

Shaz: [To themselves] Being told I’m wrong isn’t a personal attack, being told I’m wrong isn’t a personal attack--

Murray: You wanna go chill out for a bit, Shaz?

Shaz: Yeah, I think I should. Sorry, guys. Sorry. I am a traitor.

Murray: No.

Shaz: --and a fraud,

Murray: Shut up, you aren’t.

Shaz: --and a hypocrite,

Murray: Cut that out and go take a nap.

Shaz: I will.

Murray: See you Monday.

Shaz: See you Monday.

SOUND: Shaz disconnects from the call.

Evelyn: See, Riley? Lots of people have trouble taking criticism. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Murray: Can I leave now?

Riley: Yeah. Go ahead. Can I call you again later?

[Beat.]

Murray: [Kind of terrified by the idea] Yeah? Sounds good?

Evelyn: I hope you get some sleep, Murray.

Murray: Yeah, me too.

SOUND: The call ends.

Riley: Evelyn?

Evelyn: Yeah?

Riley: Do you think all the people on twitter thought the Sword of R’lyeh was meant to be a comedy too?

Evelyn: Uhh- Not to be mean, but….yeah. I think they did.

Riley: Even the person with the eyepatch?

Evelyn: I think especially the person with the eyepatch. [pause] But that’s not a bad thing! They still like it!

Riley: Don’t you dare try and Greg Sestero me, Evelyn! I’m emotionally devastated! (sighs) At least now I know what I was doing wrong. I’m gonna stop the recording for now. Listeners, I’m gonna give the Sword of R’lyeh some edits and get back to you later.

SOUND: The audio cuts.

Riley: Okay, so it is...the day after our workshop call, and I wanted to update everyone on the things I’ve done to the novel based on the feedback I got.

Evelyn: Did you lean into the unintentional comedy? I thought that might be a good way to make the book stand out.

Riley: No, absolutely not. This book is serious. So, I did some more research on the Middle Ages and cut some of the anachronisms. And I tried to make R’lyeh lose more of their confrontations to make the story have more weight.

Evelyn: That’s a good start!

Riley: And also, R’lyeh has a sidekick now, to provide some levity.

Evelyn: Oh?

Riley: She’s a human bard named Eve and she sings songs of R’lyeh’s bravery, and even though her singing is really bad, she’s R’lyeh’s best friend.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, that’s so sweet! You put me in the story!

Riley: It’s not autobiographical. I keep telling you this.

[ END ]

After having real trouble dragging a corpse back into the basement, Riley realises that they’re out of shape. Evelyn attempts to help, suggesting Riley takes a trip out into nature for a hike, but a run-in with a stranded vampire turns a night of casual exercise into a race against time.

+Transcript

SOUND: We open on the unpleasant noise of Riley distantly grunting and straining.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! I hope you're all having a good week. We’re gonna start up in just a second, once Riley finally manages to get down here.

Riley: [calling out] I can hear you talking about me down there! Cut that shit out!

Evelyn: I’m just introducing the show!

Riley: Gimme like two seconds! [grunts] Start talking about today’s subject, I'll join in when I get down!

Evelyn: Are you sure? You look kinda…

Riley: If we wait any longer to get into the meat of this episode, people will unsubscribe!

Evelyn: Okay, okay, fine! Just don't give yourself a hernia. [Clears throat] So today, friends both living and otherwise, we’re gonna talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: Being nice to each other. And you're probably thinking, “Evelyn, isn't everyone nice to each other?” And I’d like to live - or, uh, be dead in that world too, but let me read you some of these comments from our first ten episodes.

SOUND: Evelyn clicks and scrolls with her ghost powers.

Evelyn: Here’s one from a Reddit thread on episode one: “These two are like my last two brain cells. But not in a fun way, I mean more in like an Alzheimer’s way.” Yikes.

SOUND: Evelyn clicks again.

Evelyn: This one is a tweet we got after episode three: “It’s a real shame Morby didn't destroy the universe, at least then this show wouldn't exist anymore.”

SOUND: Evelyn clicks again.

Evelyn: And this is an Instagram comment we got on episode seven: “Haven't listened to the episode, have no interest in listening to the episode. My daughter is such a disappointment.” From the account CarmenAlmanzor666. Now I don't like to put people on blast, but what kind of mean, cruel, disrespectful- Oh, wait, that’s Riley’s mom.

SOUND: A corpse comes tumbling downstairs into the basement.

Evelyn: Huh. I kinda hate how normal seeing a dead body roll down the stairs is for me now.

SOUND: Riley comes skittering down the stairs on all fours, panting.

Riley: Jesus fuck. What an ordeal.

Evelyn: Yeah, that took a lot longer than usual.

Riley: At least now we can eat.

Evelyn: You can eat. I don’t partake in this.

Riley: [still panting] Well, sue the pants off me for trying to include you. What are we talking about today?

Evelyn: Trolls.

Riley: Like the one who's always doing heroin under the interstate bridge?

Evelyn: No, no, the online ones.

Riley: Ugh. Even worse. Lemme tell you, if I had the Death Note…

Evelyn: Look at this comment on episode eight - “Shaz has the right idea. You have to be on this many drugs to enjoy this bullshit.” Pardon my French.

Riley: Which platform is that?

Evelyn: Reddit.

Riley: Shit, so I can't even retaliate.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: I got shadowbanned for speaking the truth about Guantanamo on the r/StevenUniverse subreddit. Those sheeple have been asleep for too long.

Evelyn: Why are people so mean? A lot of these are overtly racist and homophobic, too!

Riley: Hey, don't forget ableist. I've seen a lot of jokes about my psychological fuck-pie on tumblr. But it's a grim reality of the internet - people are assholes and there's literally nothing anyone can do about it.

Evelyn: But what about a robust reporting system--

Riley: Literally nothing.

Evelyn: Or the platforms could take more of a stand--

Riley: Anyone can do about it. [Suddenly breaks into a hacking cough]

Evelyn: You okay there, Riley?

Riley: Me? Yeah, totally. Totally fine. The corpse was just a big guy.

Evelyn: I’ve seen you carry bigger guys. Honestly, you have kind of scary upper-body-strength most of the time.

Riley: [still very clearly out of breath] Let’s just do the fucking--

SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: Intro while I catch my breath. Then you can complain about mean comments on the internet some more.

Evelyn: Okay, just, you know, take it easy.

Riley: [wheezing] Don’t tell me how to live my life.

Evelyn: [a little concerned, but still trying] Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means--

SOUND: Riley gives a loud, hacking cough.

Evelyn: Seriously, Riley, you’re not looking good.

Riley: What? I’m the picture of health. [wheeze]

Evelyn: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think your fitness has fallen behind a little.

Riley: What are you talking about? I’m the same as I’ve always been. I can still buy jeans from the kids’ section, even though I’ve been banned from The Baby Gap.

Evelyn: Why are you banned from so many places? Anyway, your weight isn’t a concern, Riley, your cardio is the problem.

Riley: My cardio. Right. What do you even know about ghoul hearts?

Evelyn: I’m just worried that your heart is gonna explode in your chest at any moment, unless your lungs beat them to the punch.

Riley: Wow, maybe a little brutal there, Ev.

Evelyn: The truth hurts, but it will set you free from a massive coronary later in life!

Riley: Fine! But what are we gonna do about this? Shall I just keel over and die, and give the trolls and also my Mom what they want?

Evelyn: The opposite, actually! Maybe we just need to get you a little more exercise?

Riley: If you tell me to join a gym, I swear, Hooper, I’ll figure out a way to eat ghosts.

Evelyn: There are other ways to get exercise. Let’s ask Google.

Riley: Can’t hurt, I guess.

SOUND: Riley types and clicks.

Riley: I googled “exercise in Tallahassee.” Let’s see what we’ve got.

Evelyn: There’s the Tallahassee Rock Gym at Railroad Square.

Riley: Inconceivable. My enemies can never know the extent of my climbing skill unless it's an emergency.

Evelyn: Pilates?

Riley: That’s a made-up word and literally nothing you can say will convince me otherwise.

Evelyn: Ooh, yoga! That looks fun.

Riley: Evelyn, I’m already hyperflexible.

Evelyn: Yeah, but I think you could use a little zen.

Riley: What’s this...“Hardcore Yoga.” That feels like a contradiction in terms.

Evelyn: What does the description say?

Riley: “Normal Yoga is all about exercising, centering yourself, and finding a place of peace. Normal Yoga is also for pussies, and gets put down by hypermasculine Western society as being woo-woo bullshit. That’s why Hardcore Yoga capitulates to these bad faith criticisms, and gives you a type of Yoga the men in your life will admire you for: We drink hard liquor, smoke crack, and occasionally shoot people with a number of therapeutic rifles.”

Evelyn: That doesn’t sound nice at all.

Riley: Yeah, and the only man in my life is Pizza Ghost Jon, and I’ve already accepted that he’s never gonna admire me.

Evelyn: What about jogging?

Riley: I don’t have the posture for it.

Evelyn: Okay, walking! That’s something anyone with working legs can do.

Riley: Problem is, if I go out walking, people will see me. That’s a deal-breaker.

Evelyn: What about the wilderness? There are plenty of cool nature trails you can try. Heck, I used to hike up in Apalachicola National Forest all the time back when I was a girl scout.

Riley: Of fucking COURSE you were a girl scout. That is the least surprising fact I’ve ever heard. I can just see you selling cookies to pedophiles on a little red wagon.

Evelyn: [excited] I’m not hearing a no…

Riley: You’re not hearing a “yes”, either. What if I get caught on a trail cam and become Florida’s latest cryptid? I don’t need that shit in my life.

---

Evelyn: Riley, you’re not even in the top thousand weirdest people in Florida. You’ll be fine.

Riley: But what about bugs!?

Evelyn: You eat bugs all the time!

Riley: Yeah, on my turf. In the forest, they outnumber me. What if the swarm wants revenge for all of their brethren I’ve consumed? What then, huh?

Evelyn: Now you’re just making excuses to not go outside.

Riley: Outside is scary and bad things happen there.

Evelyn: But good things happen there, too!

Riley: Like what?

Evelyn: You might see a double-rainbow!

Riley: It’s nighttime, Evelyn.

Evelyn: A moon double rainbow!

Riley: That’s physically impossible!

Evelyn: Just give it a chance, Riley. Come on.

Riley: Wow, that’s a really compelling argument. You should have used that one sooner, Ev.

Evelyn: [Sighs] You know...I heard there were also some UFO sightings around Apalachicola.

Riley: Wait, really?

Evelyn: Yep! I saw a video about it on YouTube.

Riley: Were they saucers or rods?

Evelyn: Uhhh...Rods?

Riley: My god, this corresponds perfectly to my theories about Floridian extraterrestrial activity. Okay, that settles it, we’re going.

Evelyn: Yay! The Great Outdoors!

SOUND: Riley shuffles and turns off the recording.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

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SOUND: Twee music starts playing.

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SOUND: Musical jingle plays - ‘Axiom Cares for You’

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: The recording kicks back in - we have the ambient noise of cicadas chirping, and birds twittering away in the trees. We’re deep in Apalachicola National Forest. There are footsteps as Riley walks down the forest path.

Riley: Fuck this, and fuck everything about this. Forests are awful and I was right all along.

Evelyn: We’ve been out here for like twenty minutes.

Riley: That’s nineteen more than I need to judge if I hate something like this.

Evelyn: Can you even name reasons you don’t like it, or is it just because you’re afraid of change?

Riley: No, there are plenty of totally valid reasons. For example- ow, fuck!

Evelyn: What’s wrong?

Riley: I stepped on another fucking rock. Ow! God damn it.

Evelyn: Maybe if you wore shoes, this wouldn’t be a problem.

Riley: I don’t like the way they feel on my skin, okay!?

SOUND: The annoying buzz of mosquitos.

Riley: Oh, fuck off! Stupid fucking mosquitos. Not big enough to eat, but plenty big enough to piss you off. It’s a forest full of god damn bloodsuckers.

Evelyn: Can’t relate - Anymore, at least.

Riley: I win in the long run. Ghoul blood is poison to everything, so these fuckers are gonna die tonight. [Sick little Riley chuckle]

Evelyn: Way to make me feel sorry for mosquitos, Riley.

Riley: At least the weather’s nice. Not too hot, not too cold. No wind interfering with the audio. So no twitter wise-ass can get on our backs about mic quality.

Evelyn: Are you recording on your phone?

Riley: Yeah, it’s got a pretty good mic. Audio from this will sound way better than you’d expect phone audio to sound.

Evelyn: That's convenient.

Riley: Extremely.

Evelyn: Point is, rocks and bugs aside, you're getting exercise and fresh air! This is huge, Riley - I'm proud of you!

Riley: Yeah, yeah, let’s save the victory party until we get back to the basement. There are dark things in these woods.

Evelyn: Like what?

Riley: Like the Skunk Ape.

Evelyn: You made that up.

Riley: I did not! He's legit and you can google it.

Evelyn: You can't just invoke whatever the “Skunk Ape” is and not explain it.

Riley: Well, there are a number of theories into the exact nature of the Skunk Ape. He's a kind of Sasquatch or Bigfoot that’s been spotted in Florida, Arkansas, and North Carolina, leading to some researchers suggesting that the Skunk Ape is a whole species.

Evelyn: And I'm guessing you don't believe that?

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: You kind of aggressively fight against whatever the majority belief is in any given situation.

Riley: Okay, yes, I don't believe that. Personally, I think it's far more likely he's a sixth-dimensional being who can slip between the physical and abstract planes of existence at will. This isn't my theory, though, it's all there in Denver Riggleman’s book, “Types of Sasquatch and How To Fuck Them.”

Evelyn: I don't see why you're so worried about him. He seems pretty benign, compared to some things we've had to deal with. Like this one Apple Podcasts reviewer who called our show “an abortion.” Or the guys who keep telling me to kill myself, which doesn't even make sense!

Riley: Oh sure, he's benign, but he also stinks - hence the “skunk” in Skunk Ape.

Evelyn: But you stink, and I love you.

Riley: See, I stink like a box of mouldy comic books and week-old McDonalds fries - the Skunk Ape stinks like a guy with halitosis ate the ass of a guy with Crohn’s Disease, from what I've heard.

Evelyn: Well, in that case, I'm glad being dead has seriously dampened my sense of smell.

---

Riley: If it hadn't, my basement would probably be pretty unliveable for you. It’s weird, you guys really don’t like the smell of your species’ corpses.

Evelyn: Being dead is the gift that keeps on giving.

Riley: Also, I've not seen any UFO activity since we got out here. No rods, no saucers, not even any orbs. I'm honestly pretty disappointed on that front.

Evelyn: But at least you're getting the cardio you need! And the trolls can't reach us in the woods!

Riley: Can you forget about the trolls for a second, Evelyn? You really need to develop a thicker ectoplasmic membrane.

Evelyn: But they're so cruel! I can't not be hurt by it!

Riley: And frankly, as far as I'm concerned, the cardio is secondary to the aliens.

SOUND: Rustling from a nearby bush.

Klyle: Yo yo yo, did somebody say cardio?

Riley: Fuck! Who the hell are you!?

Evelyn: Are you the Skunk Ape?

Klyle: What? No! Do I look like a Sasquatch to you?

Riley: He can see you - so he must be undead.

Klyle: Well, yeah, I'm a vampire. Creature of the night! [Count Von Count-Esque] Ha Ha Ha!

Evelyn: Oh cool! I haven't seen a vampire in like forever.

Riley: The hell do you want, cold one? Evelyn doesn't even have blood and mine’s poison.

Klyle: Okay, first of all, my name’s Klyle. So maybe don't be rude and call me that instead, ‘Kay?

Evelyn: Kyle?

Klyle: Klyle.

Riley: That's not a real name.

Klyle: It totally is. It was real popular in Bulgaria in the fifteen hundreds, when I was born.

Riley: Okay, Klyle, what do you want from us?

Klyle: Well, funny you should ask - you know I usually hike on the Lafayette Heritage Trail, but I felt like a change, so like, why not Apalachicola, right? So, long story short, I’m lost, and I’m a little worried about the sun coming out while I’m still exposed.

Riley: I thought that only weakened you.

Klyle: Yeah, but I’ve got a lot of enemies, so could I maybe hike with you guys?

Riley: No! I don't want to hang out with some lousy bloodsucker.

Klyle: That’s a little racist, bro.

Riley: No it isn't! You chose to be a vampire, it's like hating someone for having a Triple X tattoo. Totally reasonable!

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, he seems nice.

Riley: How did you not get murdered, Evelyn?

Klyle: Say, how about we make a deal? Next time I drain somebody, I'll give you the bodies. Fair trade, right?

Riley: [Sighs] Fine, you can come along.

Klyle: Sweet!

SOUND: The three of them walk together (though Evelyn floats).

Klyle: Wait, are you recording this?

Evelyn: Yeah, we’re doing a podcast. You wanna be our guest?

Klyle: Hell yeah, I’m up for that. So it’s like a fitness podcast?

Riley: Not usually, no.

Klyle: I fuckin’ love fitness, guys. Always getting those gains. Sometimes I even sneak out during the day to get a few extra reps in at the gym.

Evelyn: What do you do for a living, Klyle?

Klyle: I’m a personal trainer. Didn’t used to be, but it lets me spend more time at the gym where I can get those gains.

Riley: You’re pretty swole, honestly. I thought vampires tended to be kinda skinny cause of all the post-death muscle atrophy.

Klyle: Not me, baby. Getting shredded 24/7 up in here.

Evelyn: When did you get so invested in all this, Klyle?

Klyle: Well, I'd been having a pretty rough time before I got into fitness. One of my old vampire enemies from the 1600s jumped me outside the 7/11 on Monroe street. He beat me up, stole my wallet, made love to my wife, and now my kids call him dad instead of me.

Riley: Ah, the ol’ smack, sack, fuck and cuck. Brutal.

Klyle: But when gains are life, I don't need to confront any of these issues cause I'm too busy working out, so I'm a lot happier.

Evelyn: I feel like there might be healthier ways to cope with that.

Klyle: Yeah, you’re probably right, but hey, can’t argue with these pecs though!

SOUND: Klyle slurps from his drink.

Riley: What is that?

Klyle: Protein shake. Home-made recipe.

Riley: Can I have some?

Klyle: Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.

SOUND: Klyle passes over the drink. Riley slurps.

Riley: That’s pretty good. Who was this?

Klyle: It was generously donated by my gym buddy, Blathan. Dude has biceps like ham hocks, it’s pretty tight.

Evelyn: It’s weird how comfortable I am with most of my friends and acquaintances feeding on my species.

Riley: I feel like the fact I literally ate you probably desensitised you.

Evelyn: Yeah, that’s most likely it.

Klyle: Oh, so is that how you two met?

Riley: Yeah, I ate her corpse before the afterlife processed her, so now she’s haunting me.

Klyle: Classic. I only see my victims when I’m asleep.

Riley: Lucky.

Evelyn: … Oh.

SOUND: They walk around.

Riley: Wait, which direction are we going?

Evelyn: Uh, North-West, I think.

Klyle: Which way is that? I don't have a compass.

Riley: Me either.

Evelyn: Oh. We may have a problem here.

Klyle: Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.

Riley: See, Ev, this is why change is bad and should be avoided. Now we’re between the ass-cheeks of Floridian Nowhere, and if I get hungry, I can't even eat this jerk.

Klyle: Likewise, graverobber. I should have just spent the night on the treadmill and then cried myself to sleep again.

Evelyn: Can everyone just please stop being so pessimistic? It's hard to get anything done when you have such a defeatist attitude.

Riley: What’s your alternative, huh? Using positive thinking until a magic carpet made of rainbows and puppies comes to save us?

Klyle: [Genuinely curious] Can she do that?

Riley: What?

Klyle: It’s possible! I don't know ghosts!

Riley: [Under their breath] Dumbass...

Evelyn: I suggest we do this the old-fashioned way: we can use astronomy to find our way back to civilisation.

Riley: How?

Evelyn: It's a trick I learned back in Girl Scouts - we can use our position in relation to the stars to figure out where we need to go. It's easy, look - there's Orion’s Belt, The Big Dipper, Melancholia, and Hellstar Remina. See?

Riley: Huh. I guess you're right. So what do we do now?

Evelyn: Like I said, North-West. Follow me!

SOUND: Spooky noises as Evelyn floats. Footsteps following her.

Riley: So, Klyle…

Klyle: Ya?

Riley: Since you're our de facto guest, I might as well continue the interview. You said earlier that you have a lot of enemies.

Klyle: Ha Ha Ha, that I do. There's a lot of people who'd like to see me nailed to the wall, and not in a fun way!

Riley: I mean, it'd probably be fun for them.

Evelyn: You seem like a pretty non-confrontational guy. How come so many people have it in for you?

Klyle: [Sigh] It’s a long story. You know, when they sell you the vampire lifestyle, they tell you it's all long nights, wild parties, and girls, girls, girls! But ugh, so much politics. Do you belong to this clan, or that clan, it’s so tedious. Not my thing at all. I’m unaffiliated, so nobody likes me.

Riley: A vampire and a centrist. Great. Do you run a dog-fighting ring, too?

Klyle: What? Heavens no! I'm even a member of the Tallahassee Dog-Watchers Facebook group!

Evelyn: [Gasps] That sounds amazing! How can I join?

Riley: Keep navigating, Ev. We can think about dogs later. Klyle, what kind of enemies do you have? Anyone cool or interesting?

Klyle: Well, there’s Braden the Brutal, who cornered me in a Porta-Potty in Yugoslavia and gave me a swirlie. There was Trent the Terrible, who usurped my beloved wife!

Riley: Jesus, you're just one of life’s victims, aren't you? I can see why you started working out.

Evelyn: We know how you feel, Klyle. We've been dealing with a lot of online bullying lately.

Riley: Fuck, Evelyn, will you just drop it? Trolling is inevitable and unstoppable. Anyway, Klyle, tell us more about the guys who emasculated you so hard you became a gym rat.

Klyle: [Terror creeping into his voice] Oh, the guys were all bad, but they weren't the reason I started getting yoked. That was an altogether different class of beast! Worst of all was…

SOUND: Bushes rustle as Nosferatina emerges.

Nosferatina: Scream if you're a bitch!

Klyle: [Lets out a startled, shrill scream of immortal fear]

Nosferatina: Ha!

Riley: [Equally startled] Jesus christ, is that a gremlin?!

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, look at her little hoodie! She's a baby.

Klyle: [directed at Nosferatina] What are YOU doing here?!

Nosferatina: Wifi’s out. I thought I’d take a walk, harass people in person instead of just online for once.

Evelyn: You know her, Klyle?

Klyle: Just as I was mentioning...this is the worst of them all - Nosferatina.

Riley: But she’s like...four years old.

Nosferatina: I was actually nine when I died. In vampire years, I’m older than you. Great hairstyle, by the way - did you comb it with a firecracker?

Riley: [Deadpan] I never brush my hair.

Klyle: No, no, no...it’s already starting! I’m not ready for this--

Nosferatina: You’re never ready, and that’s what makes this so fun! By the way, nice arms, they look like condoms full of cottage cheese.

Evelyn: You can’t say that - That’s so mean!

Riley: So she’s...an internet troll? Your worst vampire enemy is an internet troll?

Klyle: I’m emotionally vulnerable, Riley, I don’t need this right now!

Nosferatina: No, what you need is three hours in a tanning bed and a dust-buster [Obnoxious laugh.]

Evelyn: Why are you so cruel? Is this how you get your kicks?

Nosferatina: You think this is cruel? What’s cruel is what your torso is doing to that shirt. Tell me, when it eventually rips, how many sweatshop kids are gonna have to die to make a new one?

Evelyn: [Gasps] It was the early 2000s, all the shirts were form-fitting!

Nosferatina: You know what I think you’d look better in? 1995.

Riley: Hey, lay off Evelyn, she’s literally never said a mean thing to anyone.

Nosferatina: Hey, hey, hey, back up, ya paedo. Also, what the fuck is wrong with your breath? It smells like you squeeze your toothpaste out of a colostomy bag.

Klyle: See? She’s the worst! This little monster is why my self-esteem is so low.

Riley: But you’re huge! And jacked! How can you let some mean little British kid in a snap-back get to you?

Klyle: The muscles, they do nothing! Vampires are like wine - age matters more than biceps, and she’s seven hundred years older than me!

Nosferatina: And my dick is bigger than yours, too.

Evelyn: It feels wrong to hear a nine-year-old talk about stuff like that.

Nosferatina: It feels wrong to hear you talk at all, cause, like, uh... You’re a dumb bitch!

Evelyn: That wasn’t even clever!

Nosferatina: No, but it’s true!

Riley: [Sighs] Let’s just keep walking. If she got turned as a shitty nine-year-old, her mental development probably got stunted then, too. If we ignore her, she’ll just get bored and leave us alone.

SOUND: They begin to walk.

Klyle: Riley, that won’t work.

Riley: Well, neither will standing still and doing nothing, let’s keep moving.

Evelyn: Klyle, what did you say her name was again?

Klyle: Nosferatina. Scourge of the message-boards.

Evelyn: Hey, I recognise that screen-name! She called me a fat bitch on twitter, and called Riley a bug-eyed, ugly spider-monkey.

Nosferatina: [Laughs] Classic.

Riley: But that’s painfully uncreative! It's such low-hanging fruit.

Klyle: It’s not meant to be creative! It's simple, and cuts straight to your deepest insecurity!

Evelyn: Well joke’s on her, I'm comfortable with my body!

Nosferatina: Annoying voice!

Evelyn: Oh no!

Riley: If we wait until sunlight, maybe I can eat her.

Nosferatina: Just like how you eat your words when your theories always turn out to be wrong?

Riley: Fuck you, my theories are great!

Klyle: She's unstoppable!

Nosferatina: [Cackles] Oh, this is fun! I should go outside more often. So you're the Less Is Morgue duo, right? God, your podcast is pure cringe. You just talk about nothing, and you can't even edit the music in right!

Riley: Editing audio is hard! People who do this for a living deserve more credit and respect!

Nosferatina: [Makes a fart noise]

Riley: Really? That's the level we’re sinking to now? Fart noises? Well, we’ll just--

Nosferatina: [Makes another fart noise]

Riley: Classy. We’ll--

Nosferatina: [Another fart noise]

Klyle: Riley, please, just give up. She's too powerful.

Riley: [Frustrated] This is--

Nosferatina: [A final, particularly long fart noise]

---

Evelyn: Just stop! Please!

Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] Just stop! Please!

Evelyn: I’m asking you nicely!

Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] I’m asking you nicely!

Evelyn: Stop copying me!

Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] Stop copying me!

Klyle: [Weeping] It will never end!

Nosferatina: Oh, it’ll end, it’ll end when you're gone. It’ll end when I've driven you all so far off the edge that you rage-quit existence, then I'm gonna find some new Lolcows to milk until they're nothing but beef.

Riley: Fuck. That got dark real quick.

Klyle: She’s pure evil, I've been dealing with her for three hundred years! But she has little legs, she could only go so far, until the Internet was invented. It allowed her to bully everyone with an internet connection simultaneously - her cruelty went global! Ha Ha Ha! The laugh hides my inner pain!

Riley: We just need to ignore her! If you ignore her, she’ll go away, that's how trolls work.

Evelyn: I really don't think it is, Riley. Platforms needs to--

Riley: THAT’S HOW TROLLS WORK!

Klyle: But she's not just any troll, Riley. She's the ultimate troll! She never sleeps, she can smell weakness, and she's got an unlimited capacity for sadism.

Nosferatina: I should get that on a business card. Oh also, Klyle, your bald head makes you look like a dildo for necrophiliacs.

SOUND: Klyle shrieks in emotional pain.

Evelyn: I’m getting really sick of this.

Nosferatina: I'm getting really sick of your muffin top, tubby.

Klyle: Leave them alone! Your beef is with me!

Nosferatina: How about instead we count how many wives you've got? [Mocking his Transylvanian accent, Count Von Count style] Zero! Ha Ha Ha!

Evelyn: You're just a jerk!

Nosferatina: [Laughs] Is that all you've got? Really?

Evelyn: You’re clearly someone who can't relate to other people, and your only way or forming a connection is being mean.

Riley: [Sniffing] Hey, did somebody shit their pants?

Klyle: No, only on the inside.

Evelyn: You've got a really sad, mean, petty existence, and I know that doing this is probably the only way you can feel like you're having an impact on others.

Riley: Seriously though, can anybody smell shit?

Evelyn: Honestly, I feel sorry for you. Being a person like you must be exhausting, cause you've never got anyone you can be vulnerable around. You're just a nasty little...turd! And nobody likes you!

SOUND: Klyle gasps.

Nosferatina: You know what? Fuck all of you, I don't need this. I'm leaving.

Evelyn: Yay! We won!

Nosferatina: But first, I'm gonna kill all of you.

Evelyn: Less yay!

Riley: God damn it, whoever said exercise is good for you is a fucking idiot.

Klyle: Hey, don't diss exercise, she's my only solace in a cruel world.

Nosferatina: Prepare to fucking die, cringelords!

Riley: Great. We’re gonna die in the woods, stinking of shit!

SOUND: A thunderous BOOM! The ambient buzz of flies. The Skunk Ape appears.

Skunk Ape: There will be no violence in my forest!

Riley: Oh my god, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Klyle: That smell, my god, it’s fucking diabolical.

Nosferatina: Who the fuck are you?

Evelyn: Wait, you must be…

Skunk Ape: I am the Skunk Ape! Steward of the Apalachicola National Forest! Guardian of the peace, tranquility, and sanctity of the woods!

Nosferatina: Oh yeah? Well, you smell like--

Skunk Ape: Be gone!

SOUND: Another BOOM! Nosferatina is gone.

Riley: Holy shit, did you kill her?

Skunk Ape: No. Like I told you, I permit no violence in these woods. I sent her elsewhere, so she could do no harm.

Riley: Weak. You should've just killed her.

Klyle: Don't look a gift-Sasquatch in the mouth, Riley. She's gone. We’re saved!

Evelyn: I bring back my earlier “Yay!”

Riley: So are you why the murder rate is so low here compared to the rest of Florida?

Skunk Ape: Of course. I'm a sixth-dimensional being--

Riley: Called it!

Skunk Ape: So I can sense when murders are about to happen in my forests. When I do, I’ll transport those involved to another place, so the murder can happen there instead.

Evelyn: Wow, Riley, guess it just goes to show that when you properly moderate--

Riley: Stop it. Stop. Just...stop.

Klyle: What’s with the smell, dude? If it's okay to ask.

Skunk Ape: There are no showers in this forest. Nor is there soap.

Klyle: Eh, fair enough.

Riley: Quick question: Are there more of you? Cause if Riggleman was right about the sixth-dimensional stuff in his book… Skunk Ape: Riggleman? Denver Riggleman? That weird politician who's obsessed with us?

Evelyn: The man who wrote the Bigfoot sex book has political power!?

Skunk Ape: He's also got a restraining order from me. Dude has boundary issues.

Riley: [Disappointed] So I guess that blows my chance to find the answers. Fuck.

Skunk Ape: Now, my work here is done. Time to go.

Evelyn: Wait!

Skunk Ape: What?

Evelyn: Could you maybe help us find the way out? We’re a little lost.

Skunk Ape: Yeah, sure, just follow me.

SOUND: They begin to walk.

Riley: [Panting] Couldn't you just teleport us?

Skunk Ape: From the way you're breathing, it sounds like you need the cardio.

Riley: Oh, fuck you.

SOUND: Evelyn laughs.

[RECORDING CUTS OFF - EPISODE ENDS]

Riley and Evelyn’s attempts to summon a Dullahan, and correct one of Riley’s more egregious middle school mistakes, backfires when they accidentally summon an incubus instead. Still, can they make the best of it?

+Transcript

Riley: Listen closely, and turn up your volume if you have to.

SOUND: Evelyn grunting in the background. A slow scraping noise.

Riley: That’s the sound of Evelyn, trying to move a book across the floor with her Poltergeist powers. She's really improving - and I should know, because she's been doing it non-stop for the last TWO FUCKING DAYS! [Beat] Oh shit, I hope you still didn't have your volume turned up.

Evelyn: It wouldn’t have gone on for two days if SOMEONE didn’t keep resetting my progress!

Riley: I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!

Evelyn: I’m not touching. Look!

SOUND: More scraping.

Evelyn: See?

Riley: Well, actually!

SOUND: Pages flipping.

Riley: According to this dictionary: “Touching” implies that it’s being done with hands, feet, or an implement.

Evelyn: Exactly! No hands! And I don't even have feet.

Riley: I think ghost powers count as an implement, Ev.

Evelyn: Well I don’t, so I guess we’re even.

SOUND: More scraping.

Riley: Look! You're scuffing up the dust-jacket--

SOUND: Book hits a table.

Riley: [sigh] Listeners, if you don’t have your volume turned back down by now, it’s your own fault.

Evelyn: Look, Riley! I did it! I really did it! I made it to the table!

SOUND: Riley walks over, picks up book.

Riley: All you've done is ruin my copy of… [to themself] Oh no.

Evelyn: “Horses, Demons, and Horse Demons - Dark Arts for the Horse Lover” [Amazed] Where has this been all my death?

Riley: I can’t believe I haven’t eaten this yet.

Evelyn: Why would you want to? It’s beautiful!

Riley: Lemme read you the blurb on the back. [Clears Throat] “Some love horses, some love the ancient traditions of the Pagans. You? Love BOTH. This is the book for you.” Ugh.

Evelyn: Short, sweet, and to the point. Love it.

SOUND: Flicking through.

Riley: [Trying to hide embarrassment] Okay, before you laugh, I just want to make it perfectly clear that this was back in middle school. I’m not into this stuff anymore, and the kid I cursed with it now has a perpetual Dullahan following him until the book is destroyed.

Evelyn: What!? And you've never called it off?

Riley: I kept forgetting to. He was a dick, anyway, so he probably deserved the seventeen years of torment.

Evelyn: Seventeen years?! What did he do?

Riley: He started a rumor that I eat garbage.

Evelyn: Well… did you?

Riley: I mean yeah, but I don’t like people talking about it. How would you like people talking about what you eat?

Evelyn: I don’t eat anymore.

Riley: And you always complain when I remind you of that fact.

Evelyn: I can't believe you cursed somebody in middle school.

Riley: I was the typical occultist kid. Are you really that surprised?

Evelyn: Not surprised, just disappointed.

Riley: [genuinely surprised] Wait, you had expectations?

Evelyn:… I mean…I guess I have more expectations for Now-Riley than Past-Riley.

Riley: Past-Riley was an asshole. They're responsible for all the bullshit Present-Riley has to deal with - haunting included.

Evelyn: What else did Past-Riley do?

Riley: Got me suspended a lot.

Evelyn: Why? Cause you were…

Riley: Don’t say it...

Evelyn: Too Ghoul for School?

Riley: No, cause Past-Riley thought it'd be a good idea to eat the class pet. Ten consecutive times. [quietly] So many guinea pigs.

Evelyn: Wow, now I regret asking.

Riley: My intention with every answer is to stop people asking me more questions. Glad it's working.

Evelyn: Back to the topic at hand: We need to free that kid you cursed. But I’d hate to destroy a whole book because of ONE Dullahan.

SOUND: Flipping pages.

Evelyn: Is there any way to maybe summon him here?

Riley: And what, ask him nicely to stop?

Evelyn: Yes?

Riley: Well, if you’re on this bullshit now, I might as well help. Instead of flipping mindlessly, you COULD check the table of contents first.

Evelyn: Oh, right!

SOUND: More page flipping.

Evelyn: Here it is! “How To Summon A Dullahan”. What you need: Chalk, 5 candles, 1 horseshoe, 1... “human boner”?

Riley: Oh, uh, it says “bone”, but I was a dumb middle-schooler and doodled all over the book.

Evelyn: That explains all the penises in here. Anyway. 1 human BONE, some fresh Irish butter, 1 stick from a dead oak tree, and 1 pumpkin.

Riley: Okay so, aside from the human bone and candles, I don't have any of that. So, how about instead we use one of Brains Vincent’s heels, my half finished Mayo jar from the last episode, my mom’s vibrator, and uh… this rotten apple, I guess. Evelyn: [Concerned] Why did you take your mom’s vibrator?

Riley: Well. I’m not gonna use mine for a demonic ritual. I don't wanna get a haunted vagina on top of my haunted...everything else.

Evelyn: Fair. Those all seem like good substitutes.

Riley: I’m gonna pause the recording while we set this up.

SOUND: Riley shuffles. Laptop is turned off. Silence for a couple seconds, and we’re back.

Evelyn: And we’re back! To catch you all up, we’ve drawn a pentagram on the floor with some duct tape, lit the emergency candles, and placed all the things in the… star points? Is that what you call them?

Riley: Irrelevant. We need to start chanting if we want the Dullahan summoned before he starts his night ride. Evelyn: Oops, you’re right.

Riley and Evelyn: “By the light of the setting sun, we offer ourselves as brides to the Almighty Lord of Darkness. We summon you here to grant our wish. Come before us now, and bind this entity to our will.”

SOUND: Wind whirring around the room.

Riley: Wow, this takes me back.

Evelyn: Wait, are we actual brides of the Almighty Lord of Darkness now? I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.

Riley: I, uh, hope you weren't planning to get into heaven after we’re done.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: I’m kidding, I’m kidding...I think.

SOUND: Wind stops.

[BEAT.]

SOUND: Knocking on door.

Evelyn: I guess that’s him?

Riley: Last time I did this, he was a little more dramatic. [to the door] Come in.

SOUND: Door opens.

Fred: Someone call for a good time?

Riley: No, we called for a Dullahan. Who the fuck are you?

Evelyn: I love your sideburns!

Fred: I’m the incubus you summoned? And thank you, honey.

Evelyn: Sorry, we didn't summon an incubus. You were meant to be a headless horseman type.

Fred: You tried to summon a dullahan with a dildo and mayonnaise?

Riley: In hindsight, I’m surprised that summoned ANYTHING.

Evelyn: Okay Riley, change of plans, we’ll deal with the middle-schooler you condemned to nearly two decades of torment later. For now, we’ve got a guest.

Riley: Alright, I'm happy to have the focus taken off of my mistakes. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend, yadda yadda yadda. So you're a fuck demon?

Fred: Indeed. I’m guessing I’m not doing that here?

Evelyn: [Chipper] Correct! But we'd love to interview you for our podcast.

Fred: Oh lovely! I’ve never done that before! Well, unless the casting couch counts.

Riley: And I’m assuming you don't mean for acting, right?

Fred: Depends on who you ask.

Riley: [Annoyed] Okay folks, so this is the sex episode now, I guess. [sighs, sounding even more dead inside than usual] Cover the kids’ ears, pick a safe word, and lube up, it’s gonna get weird.

Evelyn: Yay!

---

Riley: So, Fred, the incubus, where are you from?

Fred: [matter of factly] Pennsylvania.

Evelyn: Huh. I expected you to come from Hell. No offence.

Fred: None taken. I think there’s a lot of misconceptions around demons, I don’t blame the confusion.

Riley: Care to elaborate?

Fred: Well, not all demons are from Hell; they’d run out of room down there. These days it's mostly reserved for the rich demons and Satan’s inner circle. And shit, I only just paid off my student loans.

Evelyn: How old are you?

Fred: Just turned 69.

Riley: Bullshit. And I'm guessing your birthday is on 4/20?

Fred: No, I’m serious! I’m 69 years old. The piercings probably make me look younger.

Riley: Younger? You look like a fucking twink, dude. 69 is retirement age for like, almost every other species.

Fred: I prefer the term “Twunk”, actually.

Riley: Is there a difference?

Fred: Twinks are soft, hunks are not, twunks are somewhere in between.

Evelyn: I didn’t even know there were names for all this stuff.

Riley: Poor, innocent child.

Evelyn: “Twink” just sounds like “twinkie,” and I’m not sure if that’s because they’re related or if I’m just missing being able to eat.

Fred: Well yeah, they’re soft and filled with cream, it’s exactly how they got the name.

Riley: Okay, gross. Let’s please move on. So, Fred, what do you do for a living?

Fred: I do others, mostly. But in between that I strip. I live most of my life without clothes on, is what I’m saying.

Evelyn: Honestly, if I looked like you, I would too.

Riley: Wait, I thought you were a lesbian?

Evelyn: I am, but I also have eyes.

Fred: Oh, speaking of lesbians, I have a crazy story for you.

Riley: I feel like I'm gonna have to bleep most of this, aren't I?

Fred: Probably. So, I was with this client and they’d just asked if I was cool with BBQ sauce on my --

[WEIRD AD TIME BABY]

SOUND: Hardcore power-metal begins playing.

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GET READY TO TASTE THE PAIN-BOW, AS YOU TRY THE MOST HARDCORE TOYS IN MODERN DILDONICS. GOD HIMSELF, TRIED ONE OF OUR POWER TOYS AND NUTTED SO HARD HE D I E D [echo effect]

WE LIVE IN A GODLESS, HEATHANISTIC SOCIETY AND IT’S ALL THANKS TO US - GENTLE FEMININE SOLUTIONS LTD, IN CORN-FUCK NEBRASKA. BE THERE! OR ELSE!

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Fred: --and she realized it was the friendships she made along the way.

Evelyn: [Sniffling] Fred...that was beautiful…

Riley: I’m very uncomfortable.

Fred: I feel like I’ve been speaking too much. What about you guys?

Evelyn: [Crestfallen] Oh, uh, I don't have that many good stories, on account of being dead. My family was kinda conservative so I didn't really, you know, do much before I died.

Fred: Sounds to me that you’ve done at least some?

Evelyn: Well, yeah, some. But it was pretty mild.

Fred: Like kissing mild or backseat fingerblasting mild?

Evelyn: [Long pause] Fingerblasting.

Riley: “Fingerblasting” does not sound mild.

Fred: Were they a one-time deal or more of a relationship?

Evelyn: Well, I guess you could say me and Olivia were going steady. I think she kinda lost interest when my brains got smashed in by that stage light, though.

Fred: Hate when that happens.

Riley: Well, this got sad.

Fred: Have you tried getting with anyone else since your death?

Evelyn: I mean, I’m open to it, but the only two ghosts I've met are Bloody Mary and a pizza guy Riley killed.

Fred: No one in limbo caught your eye?

Evelyn: Fred, it’s like the least horny place you can possibly imagine.

Fred: I believe that if you try hard enough, any place has horny potential. Hell, I’m proud to say that I’ve even nailed Charon.

Evelyn: ...Plankton’s computer wife?

Fred: The boatman of the River Styx. Hung like a donkey, by the way.

Riley: Ew.

---

Fred: Alright, Riley, what’s your story?

Riley: There is no story. Just me and this basement.

Fred: So you’ve got NO ONE outside this room?

Riley: People are overrated.

Fred: So you’re asexual?

Riley: Why are you so interested?

Evelyn: It’s the topic of discussion, Riley. We both shared stories, it’s your turn now.

Riley: Okay, fine! But it'll probably bore you to tears.

Evelyn: Nothing this secret has ever been boring. That’s just science.

Riley: Dating sucks if you’re a ghoul. You can never tell who's into you for you, or who's just there for the brand, you know?

Fred: Ah, I get you. So you’re basically a walking fetish?

Evelyn: Uh, a what?

Riley: Yeah, pretty much! Weird skin, fangs, we eat people, I can do freaky shit with my body. I'm everything the internet wants to fuck.

Evelyn: Define “freaky stuff”?

Riley: I’m hyperflexible - meaning I can fit into a small suitcase, and most overhead compartments. I can unhinge my jaw and eat shit that's bigger than my head. And don’t even get me started on the shape--

Evelyn: Wait, and people are into all that?

Riley: People are into everything, Evelyn. You know, I used to go out back in my late teens, but I realized it wasn't for me when my last date unironically breathed the words “vore me, daddy” into my ear after a couple drinks. In that moment, my crotch became the Chernobyl exclusion zone.

Evelyn: What does that mean…?

Riley: Ask the Twitter followers. They'll tell you, cause I sure as shit don’t want to.

Fred: Okay, okay. Let me rephrase my earlier question: Ignoring your history, what are you actually into?

Riley: Cheese fries, conspiracy theories...

Fred: No, I mean, romantically.

Riley: [sighs] I don’t know… like… people? I can't predict when or why it's gonna happen, sometimes I just get crushes.

Evelyn: Aw, cute! Like the waiter at--

Riley: [firm, loud] WE DO NOT SPEAK OF HIM.

Fred: Hey, now. Not knowing what you like is perfectly fine!

Riley: Doesn’t that just make things more confusing?

Fred: If you really WANT to label yourself, you can do that too. All I’m saying is, for some, it’s a lot easier to go with the flow rather than sticking to a rule of "only this or that”. Whatever tickles your pickle, basically.

Riley: Labels are what corporations use to market useless bullshit at you. They're a tool of the enemy!

Evelyn: But they've got practical purposes, too!

Fred: Without labels, how would you know the difference between mayonnaise and a jar of horse cum?

Evelyn: That's really gross, but yes, exactly.

Riley: If you’re not interested in either mayonnaise or horse cum, then what’s the point of needing the distinction?

Evelyn: But Riley, you love drinking mayonnaise.

Riley: Not the point, Ev. It was metaphorical mayonnaise. And metaphorical horse cum.

Fred: Hey, Riley, nobody expects you to use any labels you're not comfortable with. No pressure here, my ghoul.

Riley: [grumbles] Whatever. Either way, I don’t need all that nonsense. I am unknowable and I don't give a fuck if that makes people uncomfortable.

Evelyn: [supportive, enthusiastic] It doesn’t make me uncomfortable!

Riley: I know, Ev. I appreciate it.

Fred: [genuine] Wow… a true learning moment. That was beautiful. I’m proud of you both.

Eveyln: Yay! Learning!

Riley: I don't feel like I've learned anything.

Evelyn: That’s because you were one of the teachers.

Riley: …Huh. Nice.

[Beat.]

Fred: Well, this sounds like a good stopping point. Was there anything else you lovely folks wanted from me before I take my leave?

Evelyn: Before you showed up, we were trying to summon the dullahan that Riley cursed on their old middle school friend.

Riley: Middle school ENEMY, thank you.

Fred: Hmm. I guess I could go out and get the remaining objects you were supposed to use.

Riley: Great idea! Here’s all the shit we need.

SOUND: Frantic scribbling. Tears page out of the book.

Evelyn: No! Riley, you’re hurting the book!

Riley: Think you can get all that?

Fred: Wait, you don’t need me to get you a human...human boner?

Riley: [Groans] I wish I could kick eleven-year-old me in the fucking throat. No! We’re all good on boners, thank you!

Fred: Okay, then I’m off.

SOUND: Woosh. Fred’s gone.

Evelyn: Isn’t it a little mean to send our guest off to run errands for us?

Riley: He offered. That was his first mistake.

SOUND: Woosh again. Fred’s back.

Fred: Alright, I got a horseshoe, a pumpkin, a dead oak stick, and I couldn’t find fresh irish butter so I went with store-bought.

Riley: Hopefully, he won’t care. Let’s hurry and set up the circle.

Evelyn: Riley, how did you find all this stuff when you were eleven?

Riley: Eh, I just asked my mom to buy it at the store.

Fred: You guys have any chalk?

Evelyn: We just used duct tape for you.

Fred: [scoffs, offended]

Riley: Can you use the same pentagram twice? Or is that considered gross, like sloppy seconds?

Fred: We don’t really mind. [to himself] Though we do appreciate people using better materials than duct tape.

SOUND: Woosh. Scraping noises.

Evelyn: Okay, we’re ready.

Riley: Wait, what?

Evelyn: Poltergeist powers! You two were just standing around talking.

Riley: Wow, way to flex on me, Evelyn. Why don't you just tell me I'm ugly and have no friends while you're at it?

Evelyn: You’ve got one friend! It’s me!

Riley: [Quietly] Not denying the ugly part. Noted.

Fred: Since I’m here, I can lead the chant. Might get him here sooner.

Evelyn: Because you’re a demon?

Fred: No, because I’m hot. And I know for a fact this dullahan is gay as fuck.

Riley: Alright, let’s do it.

Fred: By the light of the setting sun, I offer myself as bottom bitch to the Almighty Lord of Darkness. I summon Greg here to grant my wish. Come before us now, and bind him to my will.

SOUND: WOOSH! Greg is here. Horse neighs. Thunder cracks.

Greg: [wizard of Oz-like; Big Theatrical Villain dramatics] I am Greg, the Great and Powerful. I am the mighty Dullahan of the Americas. The Headless Horseman of your darkest nightmares. All tremble before me. Tell me your target and I shall smite them from the Earth.

Fred: Hey, Greg.

Greg: [normal] Oh, hey, Frederic. You’re here? I haven't seen you since college.

Fred: Yeah, I’m an incubus now! Glad to see you started that horse farm after all.

Greg: Well, that’s more of a side project, I Dullahan full-time.

Fred: Is that Melody? She’s grown up so fast!

Greg: Yeah! She’s still as strong as ever. Aren’t you, girl?

SOUND: Melody whinnies demonic horse noises.

Riley: Hey, not to interrupt this reunion here, but we did call Greg for a specific purpose.

Greg: Right, sorry, bound to your will, I get it. What's the dealio?

Evelyn: Riley cursed one of their middle-school friends for spreading a true rumour.

Riley: Look, it may have been true, but they spread it with bad intent!

Evelyn: We were wondering if we could call off the curse? He’s suffered for, what, seventeen years now? I think he's probably learned his lesson.

Greg: Which “he” are we talking about here? I get a lot of demonic haunting jobs.

Riley: Itchy Crane?

Greg: Well, you better scratch it, then! [laughs] I kid, I kid. I’ve been haunting him for almost two decades now. The most hi-larious screams, I tell you, such a mad lad.

Evelyn: Well, we want to ask you to maybe stop haunting him now?

Greg: What? No way! It’s the most bloody fun I’ve had in centuries! Hell, I’d do it even if I wasn't being paid.

Riley: Wow, sadistic much?

Evelyn: Riley, you cursed him! For nothing!

Riley: How many times do I have to tell you? He spread--

Fred: Guys, calm down. It’s my will he’s bound to here. [To Greg] Look, is there ANY way we could convince you to stop haunting this kid?

Greg: Sorry, mate - you know I love you, but I just can’t give this up! It’s quality! I've haunted a lot of people in my day, but this guy is something else. Tell me, have you ever seen anyone literally shit their pants from the same scare four hundred consecutive times? It's genuinely impressive. You should see it some time!

Fred: [Flirty] Greg, are you sure there’s NOTHING I could do to convince you out of haunting that poor, poor bastard?

Greg: I don't know when I'll ever land a gig this sweet again, Fred. It's nothing personal, really, but I just can't afford to lose this.

Fred: [Still flirty] But can you afford to lose this?

SOUND: Unzips pants.

Riley: Um.

Evelyn: [whispering to Riley] What’s happening?

Riley: [whispering back] I’m not… sure? But I hate it.

Greg: Sweet Satan. But Fred, it’s been so long…

Fred: I agree. We should get reacquainted.

Greg: Well, at least let me put Melody outside, and then we can...

SOUND: Shuffling towards the laptop.

Riley: That’s it, I’m pausing the recording before this turns into a fucking porno.

Evelyn: Please hurry. It’s getting Not Safe For Death!

SOUND: Recording stops. Pause for a couple seconds. We’re back. Riley shuffles away.

Riley: And we’re back after a… [clears throat] very weird three hours.

Evelyn: It was like a movie version of the Kama Sutra.

Greg: You think you two can keep it down over there? You’re killing my afterglow.

Fred: You know, we should do this more often. Maybe without needing to bind you to my will and constantly swearing my ass to Satan.

Greg: Yeah, I’d like that.

Fred: But only if you promise to stop harassing Itchy.

Greg: Who? Oh yeah, him. No worries. I’ll lay off.

Evelyn: Yay! Happy ending!

Greg: You know, it really was the best job of my career. Shame. But it's worth it for that dick. [Inhales on a cigarette]

Riley: How can you smoke that cigarette without a head!?

Greg: [Exhales] I can do LOTS of things without a head.

Riley: [groans loudly] Oh, we know, we watched all of them happen.

SOUND: Fred zips up his pants.

Fred: Y’know, no one told you to stay.

Riley: No, but I am telling you all to leave. It smells horrible in here.

Fred: You sure? I could clean all this up first.

Riley: If you can do it quickly, then yes please. Before anything stains.

Evelyn: I can help, too! I want more poltergeist practice.

Riley: Do you really? With that?

Greg: I suppose I might as well help, since I’m here.

Riley: Fuck it. Fine. Then you've all gotta leave.

SOUND: Cleaning noises.

Evelyn: Anybody got any Pledge?

Riley: Shit, we’re still recording!

SOUND: Riley shuffles to the laptop.

Riley: I’m gonna pause and wrap this shit up later.

Greg: Why are there so many bones in here?

SOUND: Riley turns off the recording. Then, after a moment, we’re back.

Riley: Okay, so, everyone’s gone now. Just me and Ev.

Evelyn: We’ve put away all the arcane summoning gear, and I’ve been reading some of the less satanic chapters of Horses, Demons, and Horse Demons. It’s such a page-turner.

Riley: And I’m evaluating whether I really know who I am.

Evelyn: Aw Riley, it’s okay, you don’t need to have yourself all figured out. I literally had to fill out surveys about myself for sixteen years, and I’ve got no idea what I’m about.

Riley: But you know what you want. I’m either hopelessly confused or obsessed with someone unattainable for an intense few months before it all fizzles out and I’m alone again.

Evelyn: I thought you liked being alone.

Riley: I do! But what if some day I don’t, and I get all fucked up about it and turn into Miss Havisham, wearing some crusty old wedding dress and abusing a little street urchin because he reminds me of the youth I’ve lost?

Evelyn: [Baffled] That’s so specific.

Riley: I know I can like people, it just, you know, doesn’t happen often. I dunno, it’s a fucking mess. I’m a fucking mess.

Evelyn: I don’t think that’s true, Riley, I know exactly who you are: you’re a funny, weird, interesting person with a lot of cool thoughts. The rest you can figure out later. Believe me - you’ve got an eternity.

Riley: [Softens] Thanks, Ev. I guess we’ve learned the true meaning of Fuckmas today.

Evelyn: Heck yeah, learning! That’s what I’m talking about!

SOUND: Rumbling, as Evelyn’s poltergeist powers mess with the room.

Riley: Uh, maybe calm it down there? You’re poltergeisting all over the room.

Evelyn: Oops. Sorry. Got a little carried away, I guess.

Riley: Jizzmas!

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: I should have said “the true meaning of Jizzmas.” God fucking damn it. We can’t even edit this shit!

Evelyn: Glad you’ve got your priorities back in order, Riles.

Riley: Just end the episode, I embarrassed myself enough today. Fuck!

[THE END]

Riley and Evelyn are locked in the basement while a storm rages outside. During this dark and stormy night, they’ll meet an old “friend”, and a new threat.

+Transcript

SOUND: Muffled rain fades in, accompanied by wind and general storm ambiance.

Riley: We’re recording. All systems are “Go.”

Evelyn: You sure you want to do this now?

Riley: If we die, I need a record of it. The people must know! If we don't, they're gonna assume the black ops did it, and those government stooges have enough on their plate without false assassination claims.

Evelyn: I was thinking more about the storm noises messing up the audio.

Riley: If people wanted audio quality, they'd listen to NPR and have to deal with their constant e-begging. The ride-or-dies will weather the storm for us, literally.

Evelyn: …I guess that’s fair. Maybe they'd beg less if the government funded them better.

Riley: The big wigs and fat cats have the government in their pockets. They'll take the NPR money and spend it on tanks for cops and surveillance cameras that can read minds, and the world becomes just that little bit more of a controlled, totalitarian nightmarescape.

Evelyn: [exasperated pause] … So, what’s the topic, Riles? Riley: I was thinking….

SOUND: Riley is cut off by the theme song.

Evelyn: I don’t know if that’s appropriate… Could we maybe try something else…?

Riley: [sighs] How about we all sit around braiding each others hair and talking about boys, then, huh?

Evelyn: We already did that, remember?

Riley: UGH. Alright, let's give the listeners some context, just in case this audio sounds like ass and they feel entitled to an explanation.

Evelyn: Right! Because we live in Florida, we’re currently in the midst of Hurricane Meldor!

Riley: You’re probably wondering: what's up with that name? Nobody’s called Meldor. Well, you’d be surprised. The cruelty of the parental class knows no limits.

Evelyn: Bet that makes you feel a little better about your mom.

Riley: You would think so, but no. Not at all.

Evelyn: Your next question is probably: Why did they give the hurricane such a weird name, anyway? I'll tell you, listeners: according to the National Academy of Sciences, hurricanes with feminine names have higher death rates, because people assume there's less of a threat and don't prepare as much.

Riley: And the patriarchy strikes again.

Evelyn: To combat this, the NOAA has decided, for any hurricanes hitting Florida, they'd give it an insanely threatening name to make sure people take it seriously.

Riley: Hurricane Meldor comes on the tail of Hurricane Face-Fucker, Hurricane Manson, Hurricane Cancer, and Hurricane ISIS.

Evelyn: I feel threatened by those and I’m already dead, so it must be working.

Riley: That’s why we’re presently hunkered down in the basement - as usual - except this time, there's a few key differences.

Evelyn: We’re holding hands!

Riley: No. DIFFERENCE ONE: Hand-crank battery charger to keep my laptop running without the need to depend on the stupid municipal grid. DIFFERENCE TWO: Several sharpened katanas from the mall to fend off any roving bands of pillagers who want our supplies during the storm. DIFFERENCE THREE: Enough canned tuna to last us between 3 months and 300 years, depending on how we ration it.

Evelyn: So, not the power of friendship?

Riley: That too, I guess.

Evelyn: The forecast only said the storm would last for a day or two, it's not exactly Mad Max. We can afford to chill out a little.

SOUND: Lightning strike outside.

Riley: Your first mistake is believing anything the weather forecast says. If they were all that prophetic, how come they didn't stop 9/11 from happening, huh?

Evelyn: That’s not how meteorology works, Riley.

Riley: Meteorology is bunk science invented by the deep state. It's all connected, Ev - global warming is a tool of the government meant to kill off all the bees, so they can replace the bees with pollinating camera drones! Why else wouldn't they do anything to stop such an otherwise easily preventable disaster?

Evelyn: They’re all old and like money a lot?

Riley: Too easy. Just a smokescreen. As if someone would put the entire planet in jeopardy for money.

Evelyn: Well… [noncommittal noise]

Riley: I've also packed an aqualung in case this is the big one and we’re kissing dry land goodbye, and then we’ll all need to face off against the armies of the Crab Lord. Which, incidentally, is why I bought this crossbow.

SOUND: Crossbow string being pulled tight.

Evelyn: Personally, I think the Crab Lord has some pretty good policies. Especially on gun control.

Riley: Which is why I got a crossbow rather than an AR-15. If he wins, he can't take it away from me.

Evelyn: Anything else on your crazy apocalyptic shopping list?

Riley: Well, other than that, it's mostly the essentials. Flashlights, water, Mystery-Flavored AirHeads. And, of course, I've got some emergency rations in the bathroom.

Teddy: [muffled by bathroom door] You still recording your radio show in there, Rie-Rie?

Riley: Yes, Dad, could you keep it down?

Teddy: [muffled by bathroom door] Okay!

Evelyn: Riley! You can't eat your dad!

Riley: Desperate times call for desperate measures, Evelyn! He's older and larger and therefore drains more finite resources than me.

Evelyn: Still, he's the nice one! What about your mom?

Riley: Mom went out to the store to get some industrial-strength eyelash curlers. Her old ones shattered when she tried to use them.

Evelyn: Isn't she worried about the storm?

Riley: [deadpan] It won't kill her. Nothing will. Believe me, I've tried.

Evelyn: [chipper] That’s concerning!

SOUND: Door slams open, the storm is louder and something solid tumbles to the floor. Windows slam shut and the storm is quiet once more.

Tiffany: Phew! I lived! I think that calls for a celebratory rip.

SOUND: Longest fucking bong rip ever.

Evelyn: How did she...?

Riley: … Tiffany…? What are you doing here?

SOUND: Finally the bong rip ends. Tiffany sighs.

Tiffany: Oh, sorry dude, do you want some?

Riley: No! I want you out of my house, pronto! You're stinking up the place.

Evelyn: People in glass basements, Riley...

Tiffany: But I just got here!

Evelyn: Ask why she’s here.

Riley: I’m about to.

Tiffany: Oh man, the goat is here too?

Riley: No, no, no, not again! This is the one apocalyptic contingency I didn't prepare for: Terminal stoner dipshittery.

SOUND: Tiffany takes a sip from her bong.

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, did she just...

Riley: Yep.

Tiffany: Bong juice, anyone? It's tangy.

Riley: Thanks, I hate that and I’d rather die.

Tiffany: Whatevs, more for me!

SOUND: Tiffany slurps again. Riley and Ev gag.

Riley: What the hell are you doing here, Tiffany? Shouldn't you be at Walmart?

Evelyn: Shouldn't she be at home?

Riley: No, Walmart only closes when the Pope’s in the country. It stays open during hurricanes so they can use employees like sandbags to protect the windows.

Evelyn: [genuinely mulling this over] … Huh. Walmart sucks.

Tiffany: Well, my shift ended and I had a reservation at the Chilli’s on Apache Parkway for my tinder date, and I wasn't just gonna let that reservation slide for some dumb rain.

Riley: There's gale-force winds out there. I think a car floated by a second ago.

SOUND: Faint “beep beep” from a car floating past.

Tiffany: Like that has ever stopped Tiffany.

Riley: Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?

Tiffany: I've been DMing this guy for days and he is hung. I refuse to give up on that.

Evelyn: Ooh, homegirl on a mission.

Riley: I respect your dedication but I cannot relate.

Tiffany: But, I guess that wasn't meant to be, so now I'm here. What are we drinking?

Riley: [sarcastic] Bong water, I guess.

Tiffany: Oh cool, a bong! I thought this was my phone. Wait, where's my phone? [beat] Shit, I must've smoked it again. That's my third this month.

Evelyn: Is she okay!?

Riley: What do you think?

Tiffany: I’m not really thinking anything at the moment. What about you?

Riley: [exhausted] For fuck’s sake, just come sit down, before you accidentally open the door and get us eaten by super-gators or some shit.

Tiffany: Cuuute! I’ve never seen a super-gator before.

Riley: That’s because they’re invisible to their prey until they strike.

Tiffany: That sounds like some government engineering shit…

Riley: I KNOW, RIGHT!? [beat] Wait, no, we’re not friends, just sit your ass down.

Tiffany: I think we’re friends.

SOUND: Riley and Tiffany sitting down.

Riley: You said earlier you don’t think, period.

Tiffany: I'm sorry, I'm too high for this. Just gotta sober up.

SOUND: Another bong rip.

Riley: No!

SOUND: Bong rip cuts off. Glass shatters.

Tiffany: Awww! My bong! It’s my only one shaped like a furby.

Evelyn: I have to admit, it was kinda cute...

Riley: You don't sober up by taking another bong rip!

Tiffany: [annoyed] Hair of the dog that bit me, jerk!

Riley: That’s not how it works!

Evelyn: Maybe we should just all take a chill pill.

Riley: She looks like she's taken enough already.

Tiffany: I'm not the one talking to an imaginary go--

Riley: DON’T.

SOUND: Muffled conversation in the background.

Tiffany: Who’s that?

Riley: That’ll be my dad. He’s watching sports on that mini, portable TV again.

SOUND: Riley opens the bathroom door. We can hear ambient sports broadcasting noises.

Teddy: Dang, that right there is some good sports. I wish I had someone to talk to about it.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Being dead sure is fun. I love not being able to join in on conversations aBOUT THE THIngS I LOVE.

SOUND: Riley closes the door. Muffled sports noises continue.

Tiffany: Your dad’s a DILF.

Riley: Never say that again or I will eat your tongue.

Evelyn: I can kinda get it. Sweet domestic men have their appeal, if you're into that kind of thing.

Riley: Most people aren’t.

Evelyn: Most people need to get over their preconceptions about masculinity.

Riley: Evelyn, first of all, you're gay, second of all, stop talking about my dad’s sex appeal, all of you!

Tiffany: The Goat’s name is Evelyn?

Riley: I WILL FUCKING END YOU, TIFFANY! And it will look like an accident!

Evelyn: Be patient with her! She’s trying…!

Riley: Yeah, my patience!

Tiffany: Is that a huge pile of tuna cans?

Riley: Yes. I'm preparing for the inevitable collapse of western civilisation. And also Hurricane Meldor.

Tiffany: Wow, you're really prepared.

Riley: Oh. Thanks. I try.

Evelyn: Wow, is this...progress?

Tiffany: Where's the meth?

Evelyn: And there it goes.

Riley: What!?

Tiffany: For Florida Man.

SOUND: Lightning strikes.

Riley: Florida Man?

SOUND: Lightning strikes.

Tiffany: Yeah, Florida Man.

SOUND: Lightning strikes.

Evelyn: What's with all the lightning?

Riley: Yeah, how come lightning keeps striking?

Tiffany: Oh, it happens when you say Florida Man.

SOUND: Lightning strikes.

Tiffany: It’s for dramatic effect.

Evelyn: Oh cool! Florida Man, Florida Man, Florida Man!

SOUND: Lightning strikes three times.

Riley: Everybody, stop saying Florida Man!

[Beat.]

Riley: How come it didn't strike that time?

Tiffany: It only does it the first seven times. After that, the joke gets kind of stale.

Evelyn: Why do we need the meth?

Riley: Evelyn’s asking why we need the meth.

Tiffany: Well, whenever there's a hurricane, Florida Man moves from home to home with the wind, collecting his tribute of one baggie of crank to ensure safety in the storm. Fuckin’ duh!

Riley: Shit! Of course, I knew I was forgetting something.

Evelyn: Dang it, Riley, you bought a DVD box set of every episode of Professor Huh in case SilverStream went down during the storm, but you forgot Florida Man’s meth!?

Riley: Stop berating me! I can’t remember everything!

Evelyn: You said you remember everything in episode one!

Riley: I don't remember saying that!

Tiffany: [happy, just wanting to join in] I don’t remember anything!

Evelyn: Where can we get meth on such short notice?

Riley: I don't know. The deep web? Shit, they won't deliver during the hurricane.

Tiffany: I think Amazon was doing a deal on meth.

Riley: Of course!

SOUND: Alexa activates.

Alexa: We can--

Riley: Fuck off, Alexa!

SOUND: Alexa deactivates.

Riley: This is a disaster. What does Florida Man do to you if you don't have his meth?

Tiffany: I'm not sure, nobody ever lives to share their stories.

Riley: FUCK!

Evelyn: Riley, panicking won't help.

Riley: You're already dead! Panicking helps me plenty!

Tiffany: I’m not dead.

Riley: NOT YOU! THE GOAT. I MEAN GHOST. FUCK!

SOUND: Thunder cracks. Generator dies.

Tiffany: He’s heeere!

Riley: Where’s the crank? Where's the fucking crank!?

Evelyn: We don’t have any!

Tiffany: I know a guy, but it may take a few days.

Riley: I meant for the generator, you goddamn morons!

SOUND: Creepy, wheezing chuckle of the Florida Man.

Florida Man: Did someone say meth?

Riley: Literally no one said meth.

Tiffany: But you did just now.

Florida Man: So no meth, then?

SOUND: Long silence. Only the muffled storm outside and Florida man’s uncomfortable heavy breathing can be heard.

Riley: Would you, by chance, prefer a can of tuna instead? I have a lot of it to spare.

SOUND: Thunder cracks.

Florida Man: Tuna’s too salty - and don't even get me started on the mercury! Are you trying to kill me!?

Evelyn: But… the meth--

Tiffany: Shhh! You can’t question Florida Man!

Riley: I didn't even think Florida Man existed until like ten seconds ago! I thought he was just one of those lies your parents tell you, like the Fang Fairy or trickle-down economics.

SOUND: Creepy Florida Man chuckle.

Florida Man: Oh, I'm real, baby. I'm really real. Every story you've heard is true - The twelve-car police chase where I stopped off at the Mickey D’s drive thru? True. The 18 foot banana I stole and tied to the top of a two-seat smart car? True.

Riley: Uh, I’m feeling very uncomf--

Florida Man: [interrupting Riley] Burned down an apartment complex because the landlord threatened to kick me out if I didn’t stop masturbating loudly to My Little Pony fan animations? The truest of all.

SOUND: Florida man’s creepy chuckle turns into a small wheezing sob.

Evelyn: Is he crying…?

Tiffany: It’s kinda hot.

Riley: So uh… is something going to happen, or are we all just going to stand around talking about whatever this is? Florida Man: Oh, right, thanks for reminding me. I'm gonna have to kill y’all.

Evelyn: Riley!

Florida Man: Okey-dokey-Okeechobee. So, how'd you wanna die? I can either infect you with these official Disney Parks-brand brain-eating amoebas , or I can throw you to the horde of military-grade cassowaries I keep in the back of my truck. I call ‘em Murder Turkeys.

Evelyn: I mean, I'm already dead, so none of this really applies to me.

Florida Man: Doesn't mean you're off the hook, little missy. I've trained my vape clouds to fight ghosts. It’s cherry flavoured!

SOUND: Florida Man vapes.

Evelyn: [Nervous] Oh no, this guy really means business.

Riley: We are so fucked.

Tiffany: Is there anything we can do to maybe not die, Mr. Florida Man?

Florida Man: ‘Fraid not, darlin’. But I am easily distracted, so you can probably stall for time.

Tiffany: But like… with what?

Florida Man: You could ask me about my past, my likes, my dislikes. My backstory might be a good start.

Riley: Wh--

Florida Man: Y’see, it all started when I was just a twinkle in my dad’s balls…

Tiffany: I like where this is going already.

Riley: Of course you do, Tiffany.

Florida Man: I was born on the back of a gator in the middle of a hurricane--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: epic music

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[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Florida Man: … And that’s why you can’t eat sixty four packets of processed cheese while suffering from bird flu.

Riley: [sarcastic] Inspiring.

Evelyn: I did not follow any of that at all.

Tiffany: He just gets more and more interesting!

SOUND: Florida man claps his hands together. It’s uncomfortably moist sounding.

Florida Man: Welp! Talkin’s over! Time to kill y’all!

Tiffany: Aww fuck… and I didn’t even get to meet up with my tinder date.

Florida Man: Me neither, honey. It’s a tough, cruel, tough, cruel--

Riley: Tough?

Florida Man: --World.

Evelyn: Wait! I have an idea! What if we cook him some meth!

Riley: How?

Tiffany: How what?

Riley: Evelyn wants to cook him meth somehow.

Florida Man: Meth, y’say?

Evelyn: We do say! Right, Riles?

Riley: Uh, yeah. We just need to uh… Go to the bathroom. Make the preparations and all that…

Tiffany: I’ll stay here as collateral!

Riley: Great, you can be like our human damage deposit. Well, Evelyn, guess it’s time to cook - be right back.

Evelyn: Hopefully!

SOUND: Recording clicks off. Silence for a couple seconds.

SOUND: Recording clicking back on. Audio quality is echoey - they’re clearly in the bathroom.

Riley: [lowered voice] Okay, so we’re in the bathroom now. Say hi, everyone.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Sup.

Teddy: Hi, Riley’s little internet friends!

Riley: Cool. Now shut up for the rest of the episode.

Teddy: [small voice, disappointed] Aw...

Riley: So, how the hell are you planning on pulling this off, Hooper?

Evelyn: I wasn’t actually suggesting we cook meth! I’ve never even done a weed, Riley! Not a single weed! I was my highschool class’ D.A.R.E. ambassador!

Riley: Of course you were. So what now?

Evelyn: I was just trying to get us away from him for a while so we could think up a real plan.

Riley: Well, I mean… cooking meth doesn’t sound like such a bad idea…

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: No no no, listen. It doesn’t have to be real meth.

Evelyn: … Go on.

Riley: We can make it out of random stuff around the bathroom. Like uhhh… This toothpaste and uhhh...

SOUND: Riley looking through the cabinets.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I can help--

SOUND: Riley knocking down random bottles.

Riley: [sounding distracted] Not now, Jon.

Pizza Ghost Jon: But I--

Riley: Jon, shut the fuck up! I'm trying to think!

Evelyn: Riley! C’mon, at least hear what he has to say!

SOUND: Riley sighing, exasperated.

Riley: [defeated] Okay, Jon, what do you want?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Before you killed me, I was a bored millennial with a dead-end job.

Riley: So?

Pizza Ghost Jon: What I’m saying is that I’ve watched all the episodes of Breaking Bad like, six times over. I can help you make it look like the real stuff.

Teddy: Riley, it’s just you and me in the room. Are you talking to your imaginary friends again?

Riley: [annoyed] Silence, father. I'm trying to save our lives!

Pizza Ghost Jon: All we need is…

Riley: Some of that blue shampoo, maybe?

Evelyn: Yeah, that’ll work!

Pizza Ghost Jon: …And some bath salts for texture. Maybe that tooth paste over there to stick it all together.

Evelyn: Yay! Teamwork! This is really coming together already!

Teddy: Can you maybe run what you’re doing by me one more time?

Riley: Making fake drugs. Try to keep up!

Teddy: Well. This isn’t an ideal situation, but it sure is fun that we’re doing some crafts together, eh, Rie-Rie? Some fun father-daughter together time? [Chuckles] Y’know, this reminds me of when you were just a little--

Riley: Shut up, Dad, this is a life or meth situation.

SOUND: Contents of medicine cabinet being shuffled around, clattering.

Riley: Okay, gang, does this look like crystal meth?

Evelyn: [chipper] I have no idea!

Pizza Ghost Jon: Close enough. It’s not Heisenberg quality, but I wasn’t expecting that anyway.

Teddy: You did so great, angel!

Riley: Alright… Ev, you ready?

Evelyn: I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but…

Riley: Good. Let’s go.

SOUND: Door creaking open.

Riley: Hey, we got your meth-- [disgusted] Oh my god!

Evelyn: Well, I can never unsee this.

SOUND: Sloppy makeout noises.

Tiffany: [Tiffany pulls away with a loud pop, panting] I hope my tinder date doesn’t feel bad about this.

Florida Man: Me too. We were supposed to meet up at Chili’s.

Tiffany: Same! We had reservations at the Chilli’s on--

Florida Man: Apache Parkway?

Tiffany: [gasps] On the count of three, drop your pants, and I’ll lift up my shirt. One… Two...

Riley: What are we witnessing here. Why do strangers keep exposing themselves in my basement?

Tiffany: Three!

SOUND: Zip of Florida Man’s pants before they drop to the floor. Jangling of jewellery as Tiffany pulls up her shirt.

Tiffany & Florida Man: [together] IT IS YOU!

Riley: I hate this.

Florida Man: How about you and I blow this popsicle stand?

Tiffany: Uh, is the pope like… the pope? Let’s go!

Riley: Hey, wait, what about--

SOUND: Riley shaking baggie of “meth”.

Evelyn: Let it go, Riles.

Florida Man: Hey, don’t worry, you’ll see me again. It’s florida, after all!

SOUND: Epic speech music fades in.

Florida Man: I’m wherever there is true Floridian spirit to be found. Every time someone tosses an alligator through the drive thru window at McDonalds as a prank, I’ll be there. Every time a drunk spring breaker falls off a hotel balcony, I’ll be there. Every time someone’s baby shoots them by accident, I’ll be there. Because Florida isn’t a place…. it’s a state of being. And the real florida...is right here.

Riley: ...Why are you pointing to my boob? That’s not where my heart is.

Florida Man: I know.

Tiffany: [sniffles] That was beautiful…

SOUND: A strong gust of wind tears away the entire house, leaving the basement exposed. The wind is strong, the rain is loud, the Florida Man is at 100% power.

Florida Man: Come, KushGal1993, our reservation awaits.

Tiffany: I want a margarita and some boneless hot wings.

Florida Man: You can have any appetizers and drinks you want, baby. They know me there.

SOUND: Loud whoosh of wind and a crack of lightning. They are both gone.

Evelyn: [chipper] What just happened?

Riley: Peak. Florida.

SOUND: Long pause. Storm subsides a little.

Evelyn: So, turns out we didn’t die! Or, in my case, double-die!

Riley: This time.

Evelyn: And the storm’s dying down a little, too.

Riley: [Sarcastic] Yeah. Great. Wonderful. Meldor spared us.

Evelyn: Wait, why aren't you happy about that?

Riley: Look, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful this time wasn’t the apocalypse, but at the same time, I am kinda pissed I did all this doomsday prep for nothing.

Evelyn: You've got a real talent for finding the negative in any situation.

Riley: Let me mope, it's the only way I can stay sane. I'm gonna get dinner.

Evelyn: What are you having?

Riley: Tuna. For the next three years.

SOUND: Riley leans over and clicks the audio off.

[THE END]