Riley Almanzor, a proud and somewhat paranoid ghoul, is here to tell you a little about their charming species.

+ Transcript

Hi. I’m Riley. I’m a writer, a seeker of truth, and a Ghoul. It’s come to my attention that all you sheeple have bought into the misinformation that the government and the lame-stream media have been spreading about us, and today, we’re gonna set the record straight. Here are some facts about ghouls:

Fact Number One: We’re not undead. We are not ghosts, nor are we stupid, tasty zombies. This list also includes - but is not limited to - Goblins, Hobgoblins, Uruk-Hai, Changelings, Fallout NPCs, Gothic Elves, El Chupacabra, and 4Chan Users.

Fact Number Two: Ghouls as a species originated in the Middle-East, but I’m from Tallahassee. However, as far as the CIA knows, I’m in Kathmandu, because I forked out for a VPN and a lifetime supply of crossbow bolts.

Fact Number Three: Our diet primarily consists of bugs, rodents, garbage, human flesh, anything slower than us, a car tire once while I was on my period, and unattended pets without collars. There’s a lesson there, pet-owners, and that’s if you care about your local ghouls, say no to leashes.

Fact Number Four: Ghouls are water-resistant up to fifty metres. What’s a metre? Fucked if I know.

Fact Number Five: Ancient Ghouls were known for being incredibly territorial creatures, a fact that’s only made worse today because people KEEP TOUCHING MY FUCKING STUFF, MOM!

[Riley’s Mom Noise]

And finally, Fact Number Six: You can clearly spot a ghoul from our gray skin, pointy ears, large fangs, big, sharp claws, and extreme hatred of the deep state. Okay, that last one might just be me.

Less Is Morgue, a new comedy podcast, dropping this Valentine’s Day. If you’re into monsters and you’re not my parents, you’ll probably like it.