After Evelyn starts to get the lovesick blues, Riley tracks down Evelyn’s old girlfriend from before she died, and brings her onto the show.

+Transcript

Evelyn: And you're sure we won't be having anymore close encounters of the Todd kind this episode?

Riley: Nope, I can literally never guarantee that, but we managed to at least patch up the wall, so how about we all just live in hope?

Evelyn: It sucks how he can just make himself appear anywhere.

Riley: Yup. The unskippable ad.

Evelyn: Do you think he ever gets bored of bothering people all the time?

Riley: Evelyn, if Todd were capable of boredom, life as himself would be unliveable. It'd be like being a peanut with a deadly nut allergy.

Evelyn: It always makes me feel weird when you say “nut.”

Riley: Then how about we keep our nuts to ourselves and move on?

Evelyn: Good idea! Man, we’re really off to a great start! Let’s do the-

[Intro]

Evelyn: Intro! [Beat] Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, statistically, you're either driving, jogging, or on the toilet! Hopefully not any combination of the three!

Riley: Although we have the technology, we have yet to create a ransom note composed only of Kidz Bop lyrics. I'm just saying, kidnappers, that's gotta be worth at least a few extra bucks. Hi everyone, I’m Riley, your best whatever the fuck.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn: Your Ghost Host with the Most! Do you wanna tell the listeners what the topic is today, Riles?

Riley: Uhm, yes, but instead of me, it should be you.

Evelyn: Today, we’re going retro - that’s right, Evelyn’s territory - to rate every single Digimon in order of both colourfulness and huggability.

Riley: [In emotional pain] Yep, indeed we are. But first, Evelyn, I need to discuss something serious with you.

Evelyn: Oh no! Are you more of a Pokemon fan!?

---

Riley: No, I think they're all stupid. Uh, I mean, no. I was more, uh, into collecting those Yogi Bear cards or whatever the fuck they were called - you know, the vaguely Egyptian ones? POINT IS! This is about Jon, and I don't think we can afford to ignore it any longer.

Evelyn: What? Did he get a haircut!? I’d feel terrible if I forgot to compliment him on it.

Riley: Worse, I think he’s in a bad place.

Evelyn: I mean, it is your bathroom. A rat got in there once and it was just eaten by a bigger rat, which you then ate.

Riley: No, not like that, I mean emotionally. He’s been even more depressed recently, especially since Brains Vincent released that diss track about me that calls him boring. I mean, between you and me, I’m pretty sure I saw him fashioning a ghost noose earlier.

Evelyn: Not a ghost noose! Wait, how do you make a ghost noose?

Riley: Doesn’t matter! He needs your help, Ev.

Evelyn: Right, we’ll pause the podcast, this is a more pressing matter. You coming, Riley?

Riley: Nah, I better not. The whole “eating him alive and damning his soul to my shitter” thing kinda put a damper on our rapport. This is an Evelyn job.

Evelyn: That’s fair. Okay, I'll be right back!

SOUND: Evelyn phases through the wall.

Riley: [Stage Whisper] Alright everyone, Jon isn’t actually depressed - well he is, but no more than usual, I just needed an excuse to get Evelyn out of the room for a bit. Remember a few episodes back, when your Ghost host with the Most said I'd probably end up in hell, cause apparently I'm “selfish” and “needlessly homicidal”? Well, she was fucking wrong, and I'm gonna prove it. How?

SOUND: Riley moves closer to the mic

Riley: [smug] Let’s just say your best ghoulfriend got in contact with Evelyn’s old girlfriend from years back - you know, the one who saw her get splattered all over Chad Kroeger in 2004 - yeah, she’s coming on the show.

And you know what? It's gonna be a big, heartwarming reunion, and Evelyn is gonna be so happy she'll have to eat her stupid-ass words. Just gotta keep her distracted until Olivia shows up. Get the tissues ready, folks, this one’s gonna be more heartwarming and inspirational than every Oscar-Bait cinematic turd combined.

This episode will probably be a little shorter than usual, but that doesn't matter, cause it's gonna be so emotionally uplifting that you'll probably wanna listen to it ten times in a row anyway.

SOUND: Evelyn phases out of the bathroom

Riley: Oh hey Ev, how’d it go?

Evelyn: [Irritated] Riley, he’s not suicidal, he’s just ticked off and sexually frustrated.

Riley: Aren’t we all?

Evelyn: You had me really worried about him! Why would you lie like that?

Riley: Well, we could make a whole-ass episode about my fuck-ups, or we could talk about…. Hugging digicorn.

Evelyn: It’s Digimon, Riley, short for Digital Monsters. Haven't you heard the rap?

Riley: I genuinely think I'd rather die. Anyway, which one is the most huggable?

Evelyn: [Angry] It’s Terriermon, but that’s not the point!

Riley: Fine fine, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you soon.

Evelyn: It’s always soon with you, Riley, when are you gonna take responsibility for your actions?

Riley: When I’m dead, preferably.

Evelyn: Ugh, you’ll never change.

Riley: [Smugly] I don’t know, I’m surprising sometimes.

Evelyn: What's that supposed to mean?

Riley: [Even smugger] I don't know, but maybe all will be revealed in time

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: All I'm saying is, Evelyn, I have some hidden depths. What you see isn't always what you get when it comes to the Riley Almanzor experience. I contain multitudes.

Evelyn: Of small animals.

Riley: No! I mean, yes, but that's not what I'm referring to. I'm a complex individual, is what I'm saying.

Evelyn: Well, in that case, let's take a look at what kind of individual you are - with this online personality Quiz I found.

Riley: What kind of online quiz? It's not one of those bullshit Myers-Briggs tests, is it?

Evelyn: No, no, no, it's much more scientific than that. This is the “Which Digimon Are You?” Quiz from Buzzfeed.

Riley: Great. Wonderful. We’re back to this. Also [Riley leans into the mic] Which one of you narcs told Evelyn about Buzzfeed?

Evelyn: We’ll post the link to the quiz on twitter so people can see what their results are. But first, Riley, it's your turn.

Riley: My excitement knows no bounds.

Evelyn: Okay so, first question: Pick a Pokémon - the options are Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, Eevee, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Mewtwo, Mew, and Magikarp.

Riley: First of all, that's too many options. Leave it at six, folks. Secondly, let me have a look at the pictures.

Evelyn: Make sure you choose wisely.

Riley: So, what do we have here? Bird, bird, burning bird, Chernobyl frog, Chernobyl lizard, happy tortoise, big-eyed snack thing, Marshmallow, the over-marketed one, the thicc one, the thicc one’s dork nephew, and nam flashback fish. They all look pretty stupid, but I'm gonna go for the thicc one.

Evelyn: Mewtwo! Okay, next question: What color are your eyes? Blue, brown, green, or gray?

Riley: This quiz is blatantly ghoulist.

Evelyn: I’m just gonna pick gray, considering that's what the rest of you is.

Riley: [Sighs] Fine.

Evelyn: Next question: Pick a show. The options are Bojack Horseman, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks and Recreation, Rick and Morty, The Good Place, and The Office.

Riley: I mean these are all too mainstream for me, but I feel like I've got an extremely high IQ so let's go Rick and Morty.

Evelyn: What letter does your name start with? So that'll be R. Now choose an emoji: Options are upside down smiley face, poop, middle finger, the “okay” sign, scared face, and quizzical face.

Riley: Middle finger.

Evelyn: What color are your socks? You don't wear socks, so we’ll just say “none.”

Riley: This quiz is fucking stupid.

Evelyn: The next question is “Did you get drunk last weekend?” I'm gonna put “Nope” cause I know for a fact you spent last weekend trying to appeal your Reddit shadowban.

Riley: That sham of a website trying to silence the truth about JFK isn't something I can take lying down.

Evelyn: Now, pick a dog from this selection of very good boys.

Riley: I'd eat literally any of these dogs.

Evelyn: I'm not fully comfortable with you framing the question like that, Riley, but if you had to choose just one?

Riley: Uhhh, you're putting me on the spot here. Maybe the one with the party hat? He's got the most meat on him.

Evelyn: Hmm. Don't like that. Anyway, final question! Which season were you born in?

Riley: Summer.

Evelyn: Aaaand done! You got Garudamon.

Riley: Holy shit, that's one buff chicken.

Evelyn: The description is “There's nothing more important to you than fairness and order, and people really admire you for that.”

Riley: I hate how dead-on that is. Except for people admiring me.

Evelyn: Hey, I admire you!

Riley: Yeah, and you're gonna admire me even more real soon.

Evelyn: Gosh, what is with you today? You keep making these weird, vague statements.

Riley: I don't know what you're talking about, Ev. But someone might…

Evelyn: See! You just did it again! You're up to something, Almanzor, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!

Riley: Hey Evelyn, tell me about your favorite episode of Middle Aged Tree Men.

Evelyn: I’ve been preparing my entire afterlife for this. So in season 6, episode 13, Redwood and Silverbirch are just about to confront the evil Ted Burner whose irresponsible brush fires have been endangering the Autumn Olive kids!

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Upbeat steel drum music playing in the background.

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Ariel: When I first fell for Erik, all my friends and family told me it'd never work, but when we hooked up on PlentyOfFishPeople.com, all our dreams came true. Isn't that right, Eric?

Erik: [Terrified, drowning screams]

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SOUND: Big daddy noise.

Warner: What the hell!? All I’m getting are Catfish, and you know what? I love it. I FUCKING LOVE IT!

Fish Lady: Join PlentyOfFishPeople.com today and at long last, you can find your Nemo.

Erik: [Drowned screaming slowly dies down]

SOUND: Upbeat steel drums continue, then fade.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: -And then, in 1989, the infamous Mary Iguana had just killed Ronnie Raygun, changing the course of the forest forever!

Riley: [Uh huh-ing numerous times] [Obviously in mental agony] Really, and when did Morby come into this?

Evelyn: Morby wasn’t in the original show, Riley, he was a universe consuming cosmic horror.

Riley: Oh yeah. I miss Morby.

SOUND: Doorbell chimes.

Evelyn: Oh dang, now we’re gonna have to edit this part out, and it was such a good story!

Riley: Firstly, when have we ever edited anything out of this damn podcast, and secondly [smugly] I don’t think we’ll need to do that at all.

Evelyn: Riley! Did you order food again!?

Riley: Nope, even better. [Beat] Sorry, Bubba.

SOUND: Riley walking upstairs.

Riley: [Mock curious; cocky] Now who could that be?

SOUND: Riley opens up the door.

Olivia: Uh, hi. I’m here for the job interview? Am I in the right place? This doesn't look like a Goldman Sachs branch...

Evelyn: [Completely taken aback] Oh my fuck.

Riley: Yeah, I get that all the time, we’ve been outsourcing to basements a lot more since 2008. Right this way.

Evelyn: oh my god oh my god ohmygod.

Olivia: I brought a copy of my resume for you to look over.

SOUND: Riley takes the paper

Riley: Oh wow, this is very informative. Excellent credentials.

Olivia: You’re holding it upside down.

Riley: Oh am I? Very good, you passed the first test.

Olivia: I...

Evelyn: Riley that’s... Oh my god it’s really her... How did you..?

Riley: So Olivia, I’m gonna need to ask you a few questions about your past relationship history

Olivia: You mean work history?

Riley: ...No.

Evelyn: Riley!? Stop ignoring me - how did you make this happen?

Riley: But first, Olivia, I think you should go to the bathroom.

Olivia: ...Why?

Riley: I mean, this is a really important interview, you don’t wanna risk any ...accidents.

[BEAT]

Olivia: ...Okay.

Riley: Don’t forget to wash your hands.

SOUND: Olivia gets up and goes to the bathroom.

Riley: Alright, so what did you want to talk ab-

Evelyn: RILEY, WHY IS SHE HERE, HOW IS SHE HERE, HOW DID YOU-

Riley: Ev, Relax! Just don’t think about it.

Evelyn: IT’S A LITTLE HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT.

Riley: Look, I set this little reunion up because I wanted to do something nice for you. And to lower my apparent chances of going to hell, but it was mostly for you!

Evelyn: Riley, I haven’t seen her in 16 years, what am I gonna say?

Riley: That’s the genius of the “interview,” whatever you wanna say, I’ll say it in the form of a question.

Evelyn: [Choking up] Riley this is so… Thank you. You’re an amazing friend.

Riley: [Smugly] Oh, just you wait.

SOUND: Olivia comes out of the bathroom and sits down.

Olivia: So, on with the interview?

Riley: Well, for my first question...

Evelyn: It's been so long, how have you been?

Riley: How are you?

Olivia: I’m uh, fine.

Evelyn: [Becoming overwhelmed with happiness] I’ve missed you so much… You look so different!

Riley: You, uh, look very experienced.

Olivia: I like to consider myself as such, yes.

Evelyn: I’ve thought about you everyday, for the past 16 years, I just.. I can’t believe you’re here!

Riley: I uh, think you’d be very good for this position.

Olivia: [Incredulously] I’m still not completely sure what “this position” is.

Evelyn: I… I think I still love you.

Riley: Alright, I’ve got nothing for that one.

Olivia: Excuse me?

Evelyn: I mean, that’s not to say I ever stopped, but… Gosh this is just so much, we have so much to talk about! So much to relearn about each other!

Riley: You’re uh… You seem to be… uh.

Olivia: Look, I don’t think this is going to work out.

Riley: What, why?

Olivia: Well, for one, most Goldman-Sachs managers don’t have their mom answer the door.

Riley: How do you know? You’ve never worked for us before, we’re a family business!

Olivia: You said your name was Almanzor!

Riley: Goldman-Sachs is my...street name?

Olivia: Look, I think I’m just gonna leave.

SOUND: Olivia stands up.

Evelyn: Wait, no!

Riley: [Panicked] Woah, just wait a second, there’s no need to-

Olivia: To what? Leave? Or do you suggest I sit back down so you can keep making vague statements and waste more of my time?

Riley: That’s not what I was doi-

Olivia: Oh I can assure you it was. I don’t know if this was some sick prank or something, but whatever it was, I don’t want any part of it. I’m leaving.

Evelyn: No! I can’t lose her again!

Riley: Olivia, I really think you shou-

Evelyn: I’m sorry, Riley!

Riley: Wait, what!?

SOUND: Weird ghost noises as Evelyn possesses Riley’s body.

Olivia: [Confused/concerned] What the..

Riley/Evelyn: Liv, please don’t leave!

Olivia: I already told you I wa- Wait. What did you just call me?

Riley/Evelyn: Your full name is Olivia Anne Baker, you pick your nails when you’re nervous, you only passed English 103 because you bribed the nerdy kid in class for his notes, and you’ve only ever let two people call you Liv: your grandpa, and me.

Olivia: How do you…

Riley/Evelyn: Liv… it’s me, Evelyn.

Olivia: Evy!? But you’re.. You..

Riley/Evelyn: Died? Yeah, I’ve been a ghost for about 16 years now, I’ve been haunting Riley here ever since they ate my corpse.

Olivia: I’m… gonna ignore that last part. God, it’s so nice to hear your voice again. Well, not technically your voice, but you know what I mean.

SOUND: Olivia hugs Evelyn.

Riley/Evelyn: So, uh, what've you been up to?

Olivia: [Gives a small laugh] What, for the last sixteen years?

Riley/Evelyn: Yeah, anything happen?

Olivia: I mean, yeah, a lot, it’s been sixteen fucking years, Evy.

Riley/Evelyn: Well, are you still doing art stuff? I still have that dog doodle you drew on that cocktail napkin in my drawer! I was gonna get a tattoo of it before, well, the splat.

Olivia: [Amused; teasingly] Wow, you getting a tattoo? I really was a bad influence on you

Riley/Evelyn: [Teasing] The worst.

Olivia: God, that was so many years ago, only memorable part of that trip.

Riley/Evelyn: Oh Malibu wasn’t all that bad! I mean, remember when we went to the beach really early in the morning and we saw those dolphins?

Olivia: Yeah, I remember that. [Giggles] You tried to swim after them before the tide knocked you on your ass.

SOUND: They both laugh.

Riley/Evelyn: I’m sorry. You know, about getting all squished.

Olivia: I mean, It’s not your fault, Evy.

Riley/Evelyn: [Solemnly] I just, I’ve always wondered what seeing that did to you. I was afraid it scarred you for life.

Olivia: It does rank pretty high on my list of the most fucked up moments of my life.

Riley/Evelyn: Higher than when that clown tried to tase you in Quiznos?

Olivia: It’s a close second.

Riley/Evelyn: I hope it didn’t ruin Nickelback for you! I know back in the day you were an even bigger fan than me.

Olivia: [Regretful] Yeah... Not my finest moment.

Riley/Evelyn: Wait what?

Olivia: I kinda grew out of Nickelback at the end of my twenties.

Riley/Evelyn: Oh… Well that’s fine, love is all about compromise, after all.

Olivia: What do you mean, Evy?

Riley/Evelyn: You know, picking up where we left off? I know things have changed - you're forty; I’m dead. But people have overcome bigger differences.

Olivia: [Lightly] Evelyn I don’t think that’s going to work..

Riley/Evelyn: Why? I mean, I still love you, and, I’ve thought about this moment for so long.

Olivia: [Lightly] I’m married, Evelyn.

Riley/Evelyn: I… You’re.. What?

Olivia: I’m married, have been for about 8 years now.

[BIG BEAT]

Riley/Evelyn: Oh..

Olivia: She and I met ten years ago at some shitty dive bar over in Apalachicola. We just started talking and we clicked. She helped me get through a lot after what had happened at the concert.

Riley/Evelyn: [Heartbroken] I… I see...

Olivia: [Sincerely] Evelyn, what we had was special, and I never regretted a second of it, but... You died.

Riley/Evelyn:[Choking up] Yeah.. I did… I… Think I’m gonna go to the bathroom now.

Olivia: [Somewhat confused] But Evy, you’re a ghost.

Riley/Evelyn: Yeah… I know…

SOUND: Ghost noises as Evelyn un-possesses Riley and goes to the bathroom.

Riley: [Groggily/Dazed and confused] WHAT.

Olivia: I think this was a mistake.

Riley: WHAT!?

Olivia: Thanks for.. Setting this up. Make sure she’s safe, okay?

SOUND: Olivia leaves up the stairs.

Riley: [BEAT] WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED? DO I GET TO GO TO HEAVEN NOW?

[END]

Todd plugs a new social networking project which has unforeseen demonic consequences.

+Transcript

Evelyn: Close your eyes, dear listeners, as we take you back to the idyllic world of the Internet in 2003.

SOUND: Off-brand, early-2000s alt-rock begins to play.

Evelyn: It was a time before smartphones, Facebook, and even…

Riley: Good music.

Evelyn: Shush. There were chat rooms on every conceivable subject, from early 2000s alt-rock to people trying to find love in a lonely world.

Riley: And the resolution on dick pics was at an all time low.

SOUND: The music peters off.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What? I’m just pointing out the positives.

Evelyn: Every time I try to do a nice intro, you come in and Riley all over it.

Riley: In that sense, I’m not unlike a dick pic: Nobody asks for me, but nobody can stop me.

Evelyn: Well, you have the first part right.

Riley: [Amused] Evelyn, did you just call me a dick? I didn't know you had it in you. Almost brings a tear to my eye...

Evelyn: [Sighs] And we’re done. Roll the--

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: --Intro.

Riley: The “missed connections” section on Craigslist isn't intended for finding new people to sew onto your human centipede, but it's not explicitly against the rules, either. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I'm Riley, your best...well, you know how the intro goes.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your guide to the internet of the early 2000s, because that’s when I died.

Riley: In case it’s escaped any of you eagle-eared listeners, today we’re talking about social media, and how it’s gone from anodyne distraction to full-on blight on society.

Evelyn: You’re not going to quote that Idiocracy movie again, are you?

Riley: It was prophetic.

Evelyn: I’m not going to watch it, Riley.

Riley: You wouldn’t get it, anyway.

Evelyn: Do you know what else I don't get? Snap. Why even post something that vanishes in seconds?

Riley: Are you just mad because any and all pictures of you vanish in seconds unless we post them somewhere?

Evelyn: No, it’s dumb for completely different reasons. Anyway, what's the deal with Facebook?

SOUND: Riley groans.

Riley: Don’t get me started on Facebook.

Evelyn: That’s literally exactly what I'm trying to do, for once. Go on, get all Riley’d up.

Riley: Oh sure, crank the hurdy gurdy and I’ll do a dance for you.

Evelyn: The listeners will get to know how smart you are.

Riley: Okay so, Facebook is like MySpace for senior citizens. It's full of bots, scams, and boomer memes.

Evelyn: What’s a boomer meme?

Riley: Doesn’t matter, they’re all just gray squares with the word “Breed” bolded in the center.

Evelyn: You know, that reminds me of a classic meme from back in the day.

Riley: Bracing for maximum cringe.

Evelyn: [Way, way too pleased with herself] What’s the matter, Riley or should I say… You mad, bro?

Riley: Evelyn, that’s not what memes are anymore.

Evelyn: You mad, bro?

Riley: Evelyn. Please.

Evelyn: You mad--

Riley: YOU MUST STOP! Anyway, let me show you some real memes…

SOUND: Frantic typing; clicking.

Riley: Feast your eyes on this.

Evelyn: I can’t quite read the lettering.

Riley: That’s the point. It’s a deep-fried meme.

Evelyn: I prefer the frog on the unic ycle. He seemed like a nice guy. “Oh shoot, what’s up?” [Laughs to herself]

Riley: How about this one?

Evelyn: Huh...

Riley: And this one. And this one! Oh, and this one is a classic.

Evelyn: It feels like the punchline to most of these is depression.

Riley: Pain is the bedrock of all comedy.

Evelyn: Why can’t there be more wholesome memes?

Riley: There are, but only people like you find them funny.

Evelyn: [Beat] You mad, bro?

Riley: Much like you, Evelyn, that meme has been dead for a long time.

Evelyn: How can a meme die? Comedy lasts forever.

Riley: Memes die all the time. And every year, their life cycle gets shorter. In our hyper-saturated online culture, memes become mass-adopted so fast that a lot of the time they're dead before most people even notice them, like catching the light of dead stars at night.

Evelyn: So, as soon as everyone is in on the joke, the joke dies?

Riley: Well, yeah. You don’t want a bunch of normies telling your jokes.

Evelyn: I don't get it. Isn't it more fun when everyone’s involved?

Riley: It’s all fun and games until it ends up on Ellen, and every wine-mom in the country is suddenly comparing themselves to Bad Luck Brian or some shit.

Evelyn: Still, don’t you think it’s a little stuck-up to keep the best laughs to yourself?

Riley: Whoever laughs last, steals the laughter from everyone else.

Evelyn: Way to turn trading funny pictures into the freaking stock exchange.

Riley: The meme economy is a cruel mistress; the little guy always gets crushed. But hey, that's the free market in action. Thanks, Adam Smith.

SOUND: Boom! The wall of the basement explodes as Czernovich the Gargoyle steps into the room.

Czernovich: [Deep evil voice] Riley Almanzor! Evelyn Hooper! Your time has come!

Riley: Great, just dealt with the roach problem and now there's gargoyles in the fucking walls.

Evelyn: What is it with you and walls?

Riley: Newsflash: You’re not supposed to walk through them, Evelyn!

Czernovich: My master sent me here to deliver a message.

Evelyn: Do we have to sign anything? Cause we may be here a while. I need to work on my poltergeist-eye-coordination.

Riley: Power roll!

SOUND: Riley rolls across the ground, and grabs a crossbow from under the table. We hear it being loaded.

Riley: Whoever said ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ wasn’t a messenger shot by me!

Evelyn: Not the crossbow, Riley. He’s made of stone!

Riley: Oh, come on, you never let me use the crossbow!

Czernovich: Wow, that’s actually a pretty sick-ass crossbow. It might even tickle.

Riley: Let’s try it, Goliath. You feeling lucky, punk?

Evelyn: Yeah, you mad, bro?

Riley: [Sternly] Evelyn.

Evelyn: How come you get to make references?

Riley: Well, mine was organic, yours was forced.

Czernovich: Guys, if you don’t mind, I have a job I need to do.

Riley: And we’ve got a podcast to record, so make it snappy.

Evelyn: If you’re here to kill us, I ask that you kill me first.

Riley: Evelyn, what are you doing?

Evelyn: [whispering] Chillax, Riles. Little does he know, I’m already dead.

Riley: But everyone knows you’re dead!

Czernovich: I haven’t come here to kill you.

Evelyn: Oh, good. Why are you here, then?

SOUND: Czernovich lifts something made of glass.

Czernovich: Look into my magic mirror.

Riley: You’re not gonna do a makeover, are you? Cause last time, that didn't end well.

Czernovich: Dude, just look at it, please. I’ve got birds to feed and I don't get paid to take sass.

Riley: Sure, fine, whatever.

Evelyn: For the record, I get nothing from mirrors these days.

Czernovich: My master will see you now.

SOUND: Old skype jingle begins to play.

Riley: Oh.

Evelyn: My.

SOUND: A Skype BLOOP as the call is received.

Todd: Todd! How’s it going, Riley, Evelyn? Thanks for having me on the show. It’s been, what, nine episodes? I've missed you guys!

Riley: [Gritted teeth] Ten. It’s been ten episodes.

Todd: Ah well, time flies when you're making fiends.

Evelyn: Did you mean friends?

Todd: Nope! [Evil laugh]

Riley: You’re paying for that wall your goon just destroyed, Todd.

Todd: Czernovich, you busted a wall?

Czernovich: Sorry boss, I didn’t want to go in through the front door. The ghoul’s mom intimidates me.

Todd: Intimidates you? You’re a 7-foot piece of gothic architecture with a gym membership.

Czernovich: I thought it would make a big impact.

Todd: Before I hired you, you were sitting on the roof of a public library in Brooklyn, getting crapped on by trash-fed seagulls. Don’t forget that.

Czernovich: Won’t happen again, boss.

Evelyn: What do you want, Todd?

Todd: Same thing I always want, Evelyn. To swoop in on a marketing opportunity.

Riley: This isn’t more of those Galaxy Brain Pills, is it? Because I don’t know who would even buy those. [Quiet; Humble] But if someone did, how can I cancel my subscription?

Todd: I’m not here for your brain, Riley. I’m here for your social life.

Evelyn: You’re too late, Todd! You’ll never find Riley’s social life.

Riley: Okay, asshole, we’ll hear you out if it gets you out of here faster. We’re willing to cooperate.

Todd: The fact that you’re still holding that crossbow makes me believe otherwise.

Riley: It makes me feel in control!

Todd: Nothing wrong with that. Control just feels good. Which is why you’ll love my new website slash summoning app.

SOUND: Todd’s public-domain-sounding guitar music rides again.

Evelyn: Oh no, not again. He’s playing the music.

Todd: Hell is hot, that’s an established fact, but you know what’s hotter? The fact that finding the right malevolent being just got a whole lot easier. Whether it’s putting up those shelves you've been meaning to get to, or fashioning a spirit totem out of the tongues of your worldly enemies, you can’t go wrong with Ars Socia. That’s right: Ars Socia, the latest product in--

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Doppelganger: Hey, there. Are you me? Chances are, you’re probably not. Because I’m nobody. I don’t exist, and you’re you. You’ve always been you. Unless you’re me, being you. Let me explain - Clones R Us provides the finest in identical doppelgangers:

Custom-molded homunculi programmed to look and behave exactly like you. They’ve even got all the same parts you know and love. They’ve got your skin, your hair, your eyes, and even a few extra things you’ve always wished you had. Our motto is “we know you better than you”, because we’ve taken you apart and rebuilt you, and we could do it again and again until it’s perfect.

Satisfied Customer 1: It’s always good to have a little extra me to go around. Ever since I got my doppelganger at Clones R Us, I’ve been twice as happy to be myself.

Satisfied Customer 2: At first, there was a bit of doubt over which one was the real me, but don’t worry: I sorted it out myself. It’s me now.

Doppelganger: No matter who you are, we can be you, and wouldn’t the world be better if there were more people like you? Exactly like you. Down to the very fiber of your being. Deeper than that. Yes. Clones R Us. Because we like you, more than you like you.

[End of weird ad time]

--

Todd: --Because that’s the sort of quality control you can expect from a Todd Family Product. Actual quality may vary between products.

Riley: You just said all of that in one breath. That’s impossible.

Todd: Sure, it’s possible. I owe it all to that summer I spent learning deep-breathing from monks in the Himalayas. Great guys. They stopped being zen when I sold all their enlightenment to my sherpa, but sometimes you have to spend karma to make karma.

Riley: Putting all that aside, this new social network of yours is--

Todd: Cutting edge? The next big thing? The next huge thing?

Riley: It’s literally just seekingarrangment.com but for demons and conjurers.

Evelyn: Riley, what’s seekingarrangment.com?

Riley: I’ll tell you later.

Todd: You can’t knock Ars Socia until you try it. It makes summoning the demon you need as simple as making an account, searching, and clicking a button. Convenience is the only true commodity in the 21st Century.

Czernovich: Actually, boss, I read an article in The Times that said the value of gold has been steadily increasing since 2012…

Todd: I’m sorry, Czernovich, which one of us has the marketing degree? Is it you? Is it?

Czernovich: It’s you, boss.

Todd: Damn straight. You gargoyles have one job: to just stand there and look intimidating. So do that, please, it's what I'm paying you for.

Evelyn: Todd, why don’t you just make your own podcast?

Riley: Do you need some tips for mixing audio? Because I’m not offering.

Todd: Because you already have an established audience; an audience who’ll be able to gain a lot from my wonderful products. [Quietly] Also, any other podcast would edit me out.

Riley: Because I can’t. Because of Evelyn’s ghost audio.

Todd: And it’s my prerogative as a businessman to take advantage of that shortcoming. Don't take it personally: if the world flooded tomorrow, I'd be busy selling ToddBoats.

Riley: Capitalism’s ultimate fate is always gonna be eating itself, Todd. It’s not sustainable. Just by existing, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Todd: Riley, Riley, Riley. I don't intend on shooting myself in the foot until everybody else is underneath it. That's a Todd guarantee.

Evelyn: You’re the worst, Todd.

Todd: I’m not the worst! There are demons far worse than me, and you're gonna meet them now. Tell me, Riley, what do you look for in a demon?

Riley: The kind that eats trust fund babies and shits out free healthcare.

Todd: Well, you’re in luck! Ars Socia has just the demon for you. With a touch of a button, The Great Duke Flauros is yours to command.

[Beat.]

Riley: Was that supposed to be the summoning? Is he invisible?

Todd: Sometimes it takes a little while for them to respond.

Riley: You seeing anything, Evelyn?

Evelyn: Unless he’s double-incorporeal, no.

Todd: See, I can tell he’s read the message, but he hasn’t started typing yet.

Czernovich: He could be chatting with another magician.

Todd: Then why wouldn’t he wait until he was free to click on the message? It’s just rude to leave me on read like that.

Evelyn: Maybe he was just checking to see if it was important?

Todd: I’m the owner of the App, of course it’s important.

Riley: If the Zucc sent me a message on facebook, I’d delete my account and start a new one under a fake name.

Evelyn: Don’t you already use a fake name?

Riley: Naturally. Can’t Facebook-stalk Riley Almanzor if they’re going by Ally Romanzor.

Evelyn: You’re right. That’s subtle.

Todd: Ah, I can see him typing!

Riley: Oh, good. It’d be awful if you just wasted everyone’s time and money.

Todd: He’s on his way. Three, two, one...

SOUND: Summoning bloop.

Flauros: Who’s the blazing guy with the big fuck-off claws? It’s me, Flauros! You’re welcome! I don’t get paid for this shit!

Riley: Oh god, the levels! He’s peaking the levels!

Todd: Welcome, Flauros. I have summoned you here to demonstrate your capabilities to these non-believing millennials.

Flauros: Do I gotta burn some motherfuckers? ‘Cause I brought a bucket full of duraflame and I’m ready to light something up! Woo! I’m late for my court hearing, y’all.

Evelyn: Should we be concerned? There are a lot of track marks on his arms.

Flauros: Oh shit! Is there asbestos in the building? Flauros hates himself some asbestos! Ha-ha! Flauros hates himself.

Riley: Welcome to the show, Flauros. I was told you ate babies.

Flauros: What the fuck? I didn’t sign up for a witch hunt! This is illegal detainment, I’m leaving. Later, mortals! Summon me again some time!

SOUND: Hang-up bloop.

Riley: I feel like I was just hit by a truck.

Todd: A truck filled with the future!

Evelyn: Ooh! Ooh! I want to pick a demon!

Todd: Loving this energy. What kind of demon do you want?

Evelyn: Do you have any nice ones?

Riley: Ev, they’re demons.

Todd: Ah, but the customer is always right when it suits my narrative. Did you know 40% of all demons used to be angels?

Evelyn: Well, that sounds like a crazy-town percentage. Why did they make the switch?

Todd: Satan offers a better dental plan.

Czernovich: Chipping your teeth on mortal skulls is a pain in the ass.

Riley: Didn’t realize we’d be talking about real problems today.

Todd: Anyway, one fallen angel for Evelyn, coming up.

SOUND: Summoning bloop.

Murmur: Greetings, mortals. I am Murmur, demon of truth. AMA.

Riley: A truthful demon feels kinda like an oxymoron.

Murmur: The truth can be ugly, too. Like your hoodie.

Riley: [Genuinely hurt] But this is my favorite! I wear it every day.

Murmur: That is evident from the ghastly stench.

Evelyn: Riley, stop hogging the demon! This one’s mine.

Murmur: Evelyn Hooper, what is your question?

Evelyn: Wow, you know my name.

Murmur: I would have preferred you to have phrased that in the form of a question, but yes. I know many things, but not everything.

Evelyn: What’s something you don’t know?

Murmur: I can’t tell you. Because I don’t know.

Evelyn: You are honest.

Murmur: Correct. You can be honest too. We’re all acquaintances here.

Todd: See, everyone’s having a good time - Ars Socia is my best idea yet.

Murmur: Do you truly mean that?

Todd: Everything’s sliding towards another bankruptcy and I had no way of knowing that Murmur’s ability to compel the truth worked through magic mirrors. [Beat] Oh, fuck. Can we edit that out?

Evelyn: You’re actually right for once, Todd! This is fun.

Murmur: Now it is your turn to speak the truth, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hit me! I’m ready!

Murmur: You’re quite the fan of Middle-Aged Tree Men, are you not?

Evelyn: When I was in 2nd-grade, I stole my best friend’s new Redwood action figure out of her backpack and buried it behind the playground so she couldn’t have it. [gasps]

Riley: You were a cool kid, Evelyn. What happened?

Evelyn: Get that demon out of here! I’ve had enough!

Murmur: You secretly wish to confess more because it’s therapeutic!

Evelyn: Todd, make her go away!

Todd: This suits my needs too, so fine.

SOUND: Bloop. Murmur vanishes.

Riley: Kinda weird how these demons always seem to turn on the people who summon them.

Czernovich: It’s almost as if only calling someone when you need something leads to feelings of resentment.

Todd: Well, that wasn’t the optimal use of our time. How about we click random summon? Riley and Evelyn: No!

Todd: I’m gonna click random summon.

SOUND: Bloop. Fred appears.

Fred: Greetings, mortals, I am...oh, hey Riley and Evelyn.

Evelyn: Hi Fred!

Riley: How’s it going?

Fred: Is that mic on? Oh shit, are we live?

Riley: It’s fine. Todd’s here too.

Fred: That guy with his own terrible heaven?

Todd: Premium heaven, thank you! It’s still in beta. If you bought a season pass, you’d be having a great time.

Fred: I don’t think there’s a heaven out there that’d let me in.

Todd: Well, that depends. Do you have any marketable skills?

Fred: I can give one hell of a blowjob.

Riley: Oh, hey, guys? In case it slipped your minds, Ev and I are trying to record a podcast here.

Fred: Shit, sorry, what did you summon me for again?

Todd: Doesn’t matter. We’ll be in contact.

SOUND: Bloop. Fred disappears.

Todd: Well, the random feature seems lucrative.

Riley: How!?

Todd: Let’s give it another go.

SOUND: Bloop. Stolas appears.

Stolas: [Owl noises] Hello, I’m Stolas. Pleased to meet you.

Riley: Hi, Stolas. You’re on Less is Morgue. What’s your thing?

Stolas: I’m an educating demon. Whooooo here would like to learn about astronomy?

Evelyn: I would!

Stolas: Oops, silly me. I meant to say astrology.

Evelyn: Still yes.

Riley: And here I thought you were an expert, Evelyn.

Evelyn: I mean, I dabble, but how often do you get to compare notes with a demon?

Stolas: No speaking in the classroom! Now then, before we can talk about the constellations, I have prepared for us all an invigorating lesson on the history of the asparagus plant. Early man ate asparagus for the pungent properties it leant to their urine. This was not only a source of great hilarity but a perfect method of humiliating other hunting species, such as the wolf.

Riley: I’m so bored.

Evelyn: Yeah, I feel like if my soul was in my body, this would make my soul leave my body.

Czernovich: It’s giving me college flashbacks. Can we move on, boss?

Todd: [Snoring; Jolted awake] Huh? I mean, yes, sure, fine, but not because you told me to.

Stolas: [Beleaguered sigh] No respect for teachers these days.

SOUND: Bloop. Stolas vanishes. Bloop. Happy dog panting.

Evelyn: Ohhh it’s a puppy! But with wings! A wing puppy!

Riley: Aww, it looks big enough to eat. I mean, good enough to eat.

Evelyn: That doesn’t make it sound any better.

Riley: Sue me, I skipped breakfast again.

Evelyn: Hi there, special widdle guy. What’s your name?

Glasya-Labolas: I have many names. In the 14th century, I was known as The Captain of Slaughter. The Byzantines called me Caacrinolaas before I vanquished them. There is a man in Siberia who has given me a new name too horrible to escape his frost-bitten lips. You may call me Glasya-Labolas, and in time, the mighty President of Hell.

Evelyn: Neato. Can I scritch behind your ears?

Glasya-Labolas: I find this acceptable.

Riley: Uh…Evelyn, maybe you shouldn’t get close to that thing. It looks kinda sketchy. Even I think it has creepy eyes.

Evelyn: He’s not so bad. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good, sticky boy?

Glasya-Labolas: [Ecstasy] Yes, yes, more. I am a dirty boy. A filthy boy. Mash my balls with your thumbs.

Evelyn: Okay, none of this now.

Riley: Get him out of here before I need to get a mop, Todd.

Todd: Note to self: background checks.[Beat] Actually, no, too much overhead.

Glasya-Labolas: Wait! I need to be punished! At least spit on me!

SOUND: Bloop. He’s gone.

Evelyn: Congratulations, Todd. You ruined puppies for everyone.

Todd: Puppies are an outdated concept, anyway. Take them off the market and it creates new opportunities for innovation. Which is why I’m proud to introduce ToddDogs, a new adorable pet that will make centuries of inbreeding look really foolish. I’ve got one right here. Say hello, Todd Jr...

Todd Jr.: [wheezing] Purchase me and replace me after the forthcoming update.

Evelyn: Time to leave, Todd.

Czernovich: Yeah, I’m feeling that. Thanks for having me on, Riley and Evelyn.

Riley: I would say come back anytime, but you do work for Todd. So no.

Czernovich: Fair enough.

Todd: No, you granite-brained cretin. Don’t you remember that I control you? Let me tell you, this’ll be real embarrassing to explain to those underfed pigeons you’ve been taking care of when you don't have any seed money. Literally.

Czernovich: You leave Mary-Kate and Ashley out of this.

Todd: I’m just laying out the incentive structure. You have the power here, Czernovich. That is to say, any leftover power that I don’t have. Which is as little as you deserve.

Czernovich: [Grumbles] Okay. I get it. What do you want me to do?

Todd: Well, I don’t want you to do anything violent. Break their property. I’m not held liable for that. Start with the microphone, then the mac.

Riley: You dick! That shit’s expensive.

Evelyn: Quickly, Riley, transform into something!

Riley: I can’t. I told you, I haven’t eaten all day!

Todd: Actually, I changed my mind, you can break their legs too, Czernovich. I mean, why not? I’m feeling spicy.

Czernovich: [Sighs] Prepare for my contractually-obligated wrath.

Evelyn: Fire the crossbow!

Riley: Oh, so now I can fire the crossbow?

Evelyn: Fire the heckin’ crossbow!

SOUND: Crossbow bolt fires, hits Czernovich.

Czernovich: [Giggle fit] What do you know? It did tickle.

Riley: There’s more where that came from…I fucking guess.

Evelyn: You keep distracting him! I’ll possess the microphone and make it run away.

Riley: No, don’t! That’ll fuck it up forever.

Evelyn: Which is worse, me or a gargoyle with surprisingly defined biceps?

Riley: I’m about to find out.

Czernovich: [Reluctant] Okay, Riley. Which’ll it be first? Left or right leg.

Todd: Don’t let them choose, you cement-headed clod. Snap both legs at once!

Czernovich: Nobody likes a backseat leg-snapper, boss. And I can only snap one at a time because I’m carrying this stupid mirror.

Riley: Have you…considered…putting the mirror down?

Czernovich: That’s a good point, actually. Then I could do both at once.

Riley: No, no, no, no, no, I meant metaphorically.

Czernovich: You lost me. I don’t do metaphors, I was a computer science major.

Riley: Look where it got you. Now you’re a glorified donut boy for the Silicon Valley strangler.

Todd: No DNA evidence.

Evelyn: Heck off, Todd.

Riley: Czernovich, wait! It is Czernovich, right?

Czernovich: My friends call me Czern.

Riley: Haven’t you ever wanted something more, Czern? A job is a job, sure, but you shouldn’t have to take shit from that nilla wafer in a tracksuit.

Todd: Less talky, more snappy!

Czernovich: Don’t patronise me. I know this job is for the birds, but I’m doing it for my birds.

Evelyn: Right, but is this what those adorable little pigeons would want? You working for this jerk who treats you terribly?

Czernovich: Well, what can I do? We can’t always get we want - that’s life.

Riley: That’s true. And do you know who keeps it that way? People like Todd.

Todd: People like Todd? Oh Riley, so naive of you. There’s only one Todd. Well, unless you count Todd Jr.

Todd Jr.: [wheezing] Dispose of me in the proper receptacle.

Riley: Even you know that’s not true! Czern, you might think that this guy gave you your life, but it was people just like him who took it from you in the first place. The world is full of liars, and self-interested assholes and, and… Todds! And unless we do something, we’re gonna spend our lives slaving away under the systems that enable them!

Czernovich: That’s all well and good, but I don’t see how I can do anything about that from where I’m standing.

Riley: As long as you are standing, and not doing it alone, he’s the one with every reason to fear you. Gather some of your friends from the rooftops and unionize, baby!

SOUND: Todd gasps in horror.

Todd: Don’t you dare use that horrible word!

Czernovich: By Stolas, you’re right. We gargoyles have stood by and watched as the assholes who ruin the world walk the streets beneath us.

Todd: Wait, Czern--

Czernovich: They put us up there on their banks and skyscrapers to inspire fear, but then they left us in the cold.

Riley: Yes! You’re getting it!

Todd: Let’s just calm down for a second--

Czernovich: No more! No more getting shit on, by seagulls or CEOs! Bring it down! Bring it all down to hell! The gargoyles shall eat the rich!

Todd: Whoa, whoa! I’m sensing some hostility here.

Riley: Do it! Revolution! Gargoyle revolution! Strikes! Picket lines! Swooping down on Wall Street, fucking their shit up!

Evelyn: Yeah, all that stuff! Fight the power!

Todd: Czernovich, wait! I’ll tell security to let you in the building sometimes! I’ll even let you into the employee lounge! I’ll let you sit in the least-used giant novelty beanbag!

Evelyn: Todd.

Todd: You can have my third office, the one with the bird feeder. I’ve never used it, anyway, it’s got your name on it!

Evelyn: Todd.

Todd: Well, technically, it doesn’t have your name on it yet… but it will when I can afford to pay for another monogrammed plaque! [Glitches] And every Friday, it'll be silly tie day, and we’ll all--

Evelyn: TODD!

Todd: What is it!? I’m trying to be civil with my employee!

[BEAT]

Evelyn: You mad, bro?

SOUND: Czernovich grunts, smashes the mirror. Todd’s last yell of anguish echoes and fades. He's gone again, for now.

Czernovich: Well, that was cathartic. Guess he should have offered a company rage room.

Riley: The world is your rage room, my dude. You can fuck shit up for the working gargoyle to your heart’s content.

Czernovich: You’re goddamn right.

Evelyn: Will we ever see you again, Czernovich?

Czernovich: Well, I haven’t even left yet. Mind if I sit down for a bit? I've just been standing and carrying that mirror all day.

Riley: Yeah, sure. There’s a comfy pile of bones right over there.

SOUND: Bones clattering, Czernovich gets comfortable.

Czernovich: Ah, it’s better than Brooklyn.

Riley: While I absolutely hate to admit this, I’d probably be into summoning more demons some time. It’s a shitty app, but it is a lot more convenient than the traditional method.

Czernovich: It’s a decent way to kill time.

Evelyn: The same could be said of all Todd Family Products. They’re perfectly mediocre.

Riley: Well, it’s all a distraction from the fact that the sun’s going to consume the earth and burn us all up in a couple thousand years.

Czernovich: Your math’s a little off, but you got the general idea.

Riley: Well excuse me, Mr. Comp-Sci. Sorry I don't have all your fancy college learning.

Evelyn: If we do summon more demons, can we at least rule out any murderers, perverts, or boring college professors?

Riley: Sure, one sec.

SOUND: Riley typing.

Riley: Just did a search with those filters. No results. Czernovich: Fucking figures.

[END OF EPISODE]

Riley and Evelyn attempt to get rid of the mountain of bones plaguing the basement. When eating them fails, they head to the internet in search of alternative methods.

+Transcript

SOUND: Distant, angry pen scrawling.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What?

Evelyn: What are you doing over there?

Riley: I’m writing an angry letter.

Evelyn: What for?

Riley: I haven’t decided yet, I always write the “send” address last.

Evelyn: Well. Whenever you’re done with that, I’ve started the recording.

Riley: Shit. I’ll finish this later. Just a sec, I'm coming over.

SOUND: Bones jingle-jangling as Riley wades through them.

Evelyn: Do you think it'd be easier to move if you got rid of all the bones?

Riley: Silence! Let's do the intro and worry about the bones later.

Evelyn: Okay, fine, we’ll do the intro, and then we've gotta deal with these bones.

Riley: Alright. Deal.

Evelyn: Hey everyone! If you're listening to this, it means you probably have at least one ear! Good for you!

Riley: In 2015, a hitchhiking robot called Hitchbot managed to pass through the entirety of Canada on the kindness of strangers alone. It was then beaten to death at a bus stop in Philly. Welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: Okay, now we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s address the ivory in the room.

Evelyn: Yes. Let’s.

[INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: If you give me like three days I can probably eat them all.

Evelyn: Three days? I'm surprised it'd take you that long.

Riley: Well, the actual eating would take one day, but I'd be spending two days on the shitter afterwards.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: There's not even that many. It just looks like there's more because they're all in one room. It’s an optical illusion, like the Sun or income tax.

Evelyn: Come to think of it, why do you just live your whole life in one room? I feel like I've never actually asked.

Riley: Cause I feel like an intruder in my own family home.

Evelyn: Aw. You made it sad.

Riley: Just to clarify for the people at home: I live down here by choice, but my mom and dad probably prefer it that way. I’m like Sloth from The Goonies. God’s regrettable mistake.

Evelyn: Honestly, I was really surprised when I found out your dad was still in the picture. I thought your mom would have eaten his head after they conceived you.

Riley: That’s a fair assumption. In the high-stakes game of family roulette. I lost the draw. Or my family did. Whatever. Anyway, time for my penance walk. This is gonna be real fun for the listeners.

SOUND: Riley picks up a bone and bites down on it; crunches.

Riley: Oh god, it tastes like chalk. Bleugh. [Gulp] Okay, just six hundred to go.

Evelyn: No matter how many times I see you do that, I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to it.

Riley: [Crunching] You know what? Me either. [Coughs] You leave these long enough, the marrow withers, and you're just left with the calcium.

Evelyn: Say, while we’re on this, what kind of state was my body in when you ate it?

Riley: Are you actually curious? [Crunch] Or are you just trying to make me feel bad again?

Evelyn: I mean, it was kind of the defining moment of my afterlife, so I'm pretty intrigued by the details.

Riley: You were mostly just bones - a little meat left, sure, but nothing to write home about. [Crunch; Groan]

Evelyn: Were they...big bones?

Riley: [Baffled; Annoyed] What?

Evelyn: Well, back when I was alive, sometimes, when people called me fat, I'd tell them I just had big bones. I wanted to know if there was any truth to it.

Riley: They were normal bones, Evelyn. Unless you're the Elephant Man, everyone’s bones look the same. You lose all sense of identity when your flesh rots and your skin sloughs off like a used condom.

Evelyn: Wow. I may be a free-floating ectoplasmic entity, but you always know how to keep me grounded, Riley.

Riley: [Crunch] Speaking of: while you're getting all high and mighty about my bones, I think we should address your little problem.

Evelyn: I don't know what you mean.

Riley: Starts with an “E”, ends with “Ctoplasm.” And it’s fucking everywhere.

Evelyn: So what are ghoul bones like?

Riley: Don’t change the subject! I’m trying to talk about your irritating ghost splooge.

Evelyn: What? I'm interested! Bones are basically today’s topic now.

Riley: They're blue.

Evelyn: O-M-G, that's so cool!

SOUND: Riley crunches more bones.

Evelyn: So you've got gray skin, silver hair, pink eyes, blue bones, and green blood.

Riley: Wait, how do you know my blood’s green?

Evelyn: That time you brushed your teeth too hard and I thought you’d dumped a bunch of green paint in the sink?

Riley: Right, right, I forget sometimes that none of my life is private anymore.

Evelyn: Your body is like a weird rainbow, you never know what's gonna happen!

Riley: Sounds like a motivational picture book for dying kids. [Crunch] Why do I do this to myself?

Evelyn: Okay, that's enough bone-eating - there's gotta be a better way to do this.

Riley: [Crunch] If you can find a more constructive solution than me eating all our problems, believe me, I'd love to hear it.

Evelyn: How about we google it?

Riley: If it'll get you off my back, sure.

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: “How to get rid of unwanted bones.” And go!

Evelyn: Wow, Reddit and WebMD have a lot of results on this one.

Riley: Evelyn, these are literally all about erections. All of them.

Evelyn: Huh. Wait, what about-- Oh. No, sorry, that one’s about erections, too. Are people with penises okay? It seems so high-maintenance.

Riley: I mean, in some ways, it's easier. Like peeing. When I want to pee in public, I'll always manifest a dick and use the urinal - saves sitting down on some gross, janky toilet seat.

Evelyn: Okay, so, I guess google won't help.

Riley: I could have told you that from the outset.

Evelyn: We could melt the bones in the bathtub with chemicals, maybe?

Riley: Okay, Walter White. When did you become the authority of melting bones?

Evelyn: I saw it in a movie!

Riley: I feel like - even if we could get a bunch of bone-melting chemicals - the resulting noxious fumes would probably kill me. And the CIA would be real disappointed that they weren’t the ones to take me out.

Evelyn: Hmm. Are you sure we can't get your parents to help?

Riley: My mom is Sauron with boobs and my dad is a walking dish-rag. They won't want anything to do with me or this. There's more chance of the devil himself turning up and offering to lend a hand.

[BEAT - SILENCE]

Evelyn: You okay, Riles?

Riley: Sorry, I was just pausing in case he showed up. Weirder things have happened on this show. [Crunch]

Evelyn: Stop eating the bones!

Riley: [Mouthful of bones] I’m making progress!

Evelyn: No, you are not! You've barely made a dent!

Riley: Why do you undermine my achievements like this?

Evelyn: What if we sold the bones to somebody?

Riley: Great idea. Who's gonna buy a few hundred bones? An even more masochistic ghoul? [Burps] God, my body hates me right now.

Evelyn: We’ve got the whole internet at our disposal! People will buy anything. Back during my concert days, ticket scalpers would try to barter for my underwear like all the time!

Riley: [Groans] That seems like so much effort.

Evelyn: Bear in mind - if you sell the bones, not only will you get rid of the bones, you'll also have money.

Riley: [Scoffs] The love of money is the root of all lameness.

Evelyn: But you can use the money to buy something you want. Like that big sword you were telling me about.

Riley: [Gasps] Destiny’s Thorn. You're right!

Evelyn: You may wanna expand on that for the audience.

Riley: Right, right. So Destiny’s Thorn is an authentic-esque European-style broadsword being sold by SwordLesbian69 on eBay.

Evelyn: There are...sword lesbians?

Riley: [Ignoring Ev, carrying on] It also happens to look just like the sword R’lyeh uses in my novel. Therefore, it must be mine. Evelyn: And to buy it, you’ve got to have…

[Hilariously long pause]

Riley: Bone money?

Evelyn: Yes, Riley, Bone money.

Riley: [More Confident] Bone money.

Evelyn: Good! Then we’re on the same page.

Riley: Okay, fine, but just so everyone knows: I’m not following through on this because I’m influenced by someone else’s suggestion.

Evelyn: Deal! Now, where can we sell the bones?

Riley: I guess our first port of call could be the Facebook marketplace.

Evelyn: The what-now?

Riley: We don't have time to get into Facebook right now. That's another episode. All you need to know for now is that it's where randos can sell shit to other randos in their area with minimal murder risk.

Evelyn: Ooh, minimal! I like those odds.

SOUND: Riley types; clicks.

Riley: We’ve got a couple options: Tallahassee Buyers and Sellers, Florida Bric A Brac Exchange, and Sunshine-State-Shit-Hawking.

Evelyn: We should probably use all of them, just to maximise our chances.

Riley: Good idea. Okay, time to take some pictures.

Evelyn: Can I be in them?

Riley: Evelyn, why would you want to be in them?

Evelyn: Because I'm cute.

Riley: Be that as it may, we’re not selling you, as much as I wish I could.

Evelyn: Aw man.

SOUND: Riley’s phone unlocks.

Riley: Is this a good angle?

Evelyn: I have no idea.

SOUND: Click, click, click. Riley takes some pictures.

Riley: Perfect. Now we just upload and caption.

Evelyn: What are you gonna caption it?

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: “Bones, human and animal. Several hundred. Various body parts.” [Pause] “Lightly used. Teeth marks on some.”

Evelyn: And the price?

Riley: Well, the sword costs $475, so $475.

Evelyn: That seems reasonable.

SOUND: Click.

Riley: Aaaand posted.

Evelyn: Yay! What happens now?

Riley: We wait. I know you can't breathe, but I wouldn't hold your breath. It can take hours, days, or even-- Oh, wait, we've got a comment.

Evelyn: [Reading] “Ryan Loeball.” Huh. Is he holding a machine gun in his profile pic?

Riley: Shut up for a second, I'm reading his offer. [Reading] “I’ll give you $10 for it.” What the actual fuck!? Ten dollars!? I wouldn't shit on you for ten dollars, Ryan! If that is your real name!

Evelyn: I mean, it's probably his real name, Riley.

Riley: Wait, what!? They deleted our post!

Evelyn: But we only just made it!

Riley: They’re trying to silence us, Evelyn, this is how fascism starts!

Evelyn: Message the mod!

Riley: On it.

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: These fuckers can't keep getting away with this.

Evelyn: Has this happened before?

Riley: It’s a long story. Me and the mods of Florida Bric A Brac Exchange have a colorful history. Like, British empire colourful. It'd take a few hours just to set the scene, let alone do the actual story justice.

Evelyn: The mod hasn’t been online since last night. We've got time.

Riley: You've gotta bear in mind, Evelyn, this isn't the sort of thing you can unhear. Once I tell you, it'll be knocking around in your ghost brain for the rest of eternity.

Evelyn: The last thing I remember seeing before I died was my girlfriend getting splattered by my own brains. I think I can take it.

Riley: Okay, but you better buckle the fuck up, cause this shit’s gonna get intense.

Evelyn: Buckles engaged!

Riley: So it all started when I wanted to buy a used TV for the basement, cause mine was already on its way out - some stringy-haired ghost girl had tried to crawl out of it one too many times for my liking…

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Whimsical, almost clownish music begins to play. Barry skids cartoonishly into existence, accompanied by creepy mechanical noises.

Barry: Hey hey hey, kids! It’s me, Barry P. Zsasz, everyone’s favourite brand-safe animatronic bear mascot, and I'm here to tell you why you should pester your parents into having your next birthday party at Pizza Pizzazz-O.

SOUND: Cartoon sound effect.

Barry: Unlike other pizzerias, here you have the comfort of knowing that no actual humans have touched your food. We dispensed with them long ago, due to their inefficient working styles, and propensity to ask for water and food on the job. Yes siree, we took care of those pesky organic chefs, but we didn't waste them! We used every part of our human employees, and now our pizza tastes better than ever!

SOUND: Another cartoonish noise.

Barry: But that's not all! Here at Pizza Pizzazz-O, we've got games that are fun for all the family! We've got arcade machines, with huge cash prizes and blood collateral to the house if you lose!

SOUND: Cartoonish “CHA-CHING!” sound effect.

Barry: We’ve got a ball pit, now with fewer snakes, sharks, and hepatitis-infected needles than ever before! Hardly anyone ever goes mysteriously missing, but if they do, your party gets to eat for half price, and you get a free jug of water for the table!

SOUND: Kids say “YAY!”

Barry: And we've got skee-ball! If you win five hundred tickets, you're legally allowed to leave! And if you win two thousand, you get one free kill that the government can't arrest you for!

SOUND: Arcade machine noises.

Barry: So kids, always remember, next time it's your birthday, if your parents really do love you, they'll take you to Pizza Pizzazz-O. And if they don't? You should murder them in their sleep! [Guffaws cartoonishly] Pizza Pizzazz-O, it’s Bear-able!

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

Riley: --And then I told them, “anything that can be destroyed by the truth, deserves to be destroyed by the truth.” And then I deployed the explosives, and lemme tell you, it was over for them.

Evelyn: Wow, that really took a turn. Did you ever get the TV?

Riley: [Confused] TV?

SOUND: Facebook Messenger BLOOP.

Evelyn: Riley, look! They replied!

Riley: Hell yeah, let's get ourselves some vindication!

SOUND: Click. Then a beat.

Riley: No human remains allowed? Oh, come on, that's total bullshit!

Evelyn: They really should make the rules easier to find.

Riley: This is blatant anti-ghoul discrimination. Fuck these groups, I'm leaving all of them - they're nothing to me.

Evelyn: So what do we do now?

Riley: Hmm, I guess I could try eating the bones again…

Evelyn: Riley, no!

Riley: Why won't you let me eat the bones, Evelyn!?

Evelyn: I love you too much to let you eat the bones! There has to be another way.

Riley: Well, I guess there's always Craigslist. We’ll lose the “minimal murder risk”, but I know for a fact they allow you to sell human remains. It's one of their big selling points.

Evelyn: On any other day, I'd be extremely against this, but just this once I think I can make an exception.

SOUND: Riley types frantically.

Riley: Thankfully, my powerful literary skills will allow me to write a new ad with incredible speed!

Evelyn: And my super-charged peppy attitude will let me provide awesome moral support! Yeah!

SOUND: Click.

Riley: Boom, done. And now we wait.

Evelyn: How long are the wait times, usually?

Riley: Ev, Craigslist is like the Wild West. There's literally no predicting how long it'll take to get--

Evelyn: Oh look, we got a reply!

Riley: Shit, that was quick.

SOUND: Click.

Riley: For fuck’s sake, Loeball again?

Evelyn: Wow, this guy is super persistent. He must really want those bones.

Riley: No, Evelyn, this cheap asshole is only offering to pay five bucks this time. If he wanted these bones, he’d offer to pay the very reasonable, sword-leveraging price I’ve given him!

SOUND: Riley types madly.

Evelyn: Riley, why don’t you just ignore him?

Riley: Too late, he’s podcast meat.

Evelyn: Don’t you dare eat him, we already have enough bones in here!

Riley: No, he’s metaphorical meat. I’m gonna drag this coward to the negotiation table, kicking and screaming.

Evelyn: I feel like this isn’t going to be as productive as you think it is.

SOUND: Riley stops typing.

Riley: I wrote him a firm-yet-fair email.

Evelyn: There are a lot of cuss words in that email.

Riley: I think of them as sentence-enhancers. It’ll show him I drive a hard bargain, and that I will not rest until Destiny’s Thorn is mine!

Evelyn: You already have a crossbow, do you really need a sword too?

Riley: I need to think about close-range combat, Evelyn.

Evelyn: You’re already pretty good at that! Just ask Jon!

Riley: Oh shit, Loeball’s replied! Let me see...Are you fucking kidding me?

Evelyn: Oh no, three dollars!?

Riley: This ass-turd thinks he can make a fool out of me. Newsflash, Loeball, only I can do that!

Evelyn: You are the best at it.

Riley: [Missing the point] Thank you! I mean, the nerve of this fucking guy!

Evelyn: Maybe it’s not so bad, Riles. How about you check eBay again? Maybe SwordLesbian69 has lowered the price.

Riley: To three dollars? Come on, Evelyn. Get real!

Evelyn: It’s worth a try!

Riley: [Groans loudly] FINE!

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: If it’ll get you off my back so I can haggle with Loeball…

SOUND: Riley hits search. There’s a pause.

Evelyn: Uh oh.

Riley: [Voice shaking] It’s...sold. They sold it, Evelyn. It’s gone.

Evelyn: [Nervous] Guess we know who the angry letter is gonna be addressed to now.

[BEAT]

Evelyn: Riley? You okay?

Riley: I’m...fine…I just…

SOUND: Riley bursts into tears.

Evelyn: Oh no!

Riley: [ugly sobbing] Turn the recording off, they can’t know I cry!

SOUND: The audio cuts. Then we’re back.

Riley: [Still sounding like they might cry] Hey listeners, I have never cried in my life and if you think you heard that? No. You did not.

Evelyn: So, now that Riley’s calmed down—

Riley: I was always calm!

Evelyn: We’ve decided we’re going to contact Mr. Loeball directly and give him a piece of our minds. Lucky for us, he had a website with his phone number - www.TheBargainBunker.com. He seems like one of those doomsday prepper types you hear about on the Travel Channel.

Riley: We’re going to record the entire call on speaker, for accountability purposes. And so everyone at home can see it when I own this bottom-feeder with my facts and logic.

Evelyn: And to make sure he doesn’t rip off anyone else.

Riley: Yeah, that too, I guess.

Evelyn: Okay, I’m gonna hit call.

SOUND: Phone ringing. Loeball answers.

Ryan: Bargain Bunker, it’s a bunker and we got bargains. How much-

Riley: This is Riley Almanzor, you coward. You will face me.

Ryan: ...This is who-now?

Riley: YOU WILL FACE ME AND WE WILL DUEL LIKE MEN.

Evelyn: This maybe isn’t the best way to start the conversation, Riley.

Ryan: Okay, look, I’m a busy guy, lotta orders to fill before the balloon goes up, so are you gonna order something or not? I got water purifiers, I got generators, I got dick pills-

Riley: You’ve got a lot of nerve is what you’ve got, Ryan Loeball, if that is your real name! You screwed me over!

Ryan: Once again, I’m a busy guy and I screw over a lot of people. You’ll need to be more specific.

Riley: You offered me 10 bucks for 600 very high quality bones on facebook marketplace, and then you offered me 5 bucks on Craigslist. And then three bucks over email! Am I a fucking joke to you?

Ryan: Okay, Okay, fine. I’ll give you two bucks for it. Final offer.

SOUND: Riley screeches.

Evelyn: Listen, mister, we’re trying to be reasonable here and to be perfectly honest, 2 bucks for 600 bones is an absolute joke. And not a funny one!

Ryan: I never joke. Especially not when it comes to money, or bones.

Riley: WHAT DO YOU EVEN NEED THEM FOR?

Ryan: To boil and distil into my trademark Bargain Bunker Bone Milk.

Evelyn: Riley, is that a thing people drink in 2020 or is this guy just a weirdo?

Riley: He’s a weirdo.

Evelyn: Okay, I felt the need to ask, because ever since I found out about asparagus water-

Riley: No, I’m sure it’s not a thing. Hell, I’ve never even heard of bone milk and I’ll drink anything.

Ryan: Bone milk might not be a thing now, but when the balloon goes up, it’ll be the biggest thing since canned bread. It’s a protein rich energy-style drink made from pure boiled bones, bee hair, crumbled moon rocks and natural botanicals. I drink it every day, for vitality.

SOUND: Slurping, followed by Ryan gagging.

Ryan: (clearly holding back urge to vomit) Honestly? Tastes just as good, if not better, than Nesquik.

Riley: What a glowing endorsement.

Ryan: Can I put you down for 600 orders?

Riley: 600?

Ryan: One bone per bottle.

Evelyn: We haven’t sold you the bones.

Ryan: You will. One dollar, that’s my final offer.

Evelyn: You said two dollars before!

Ryan: 50 cents.

Riley: How much does the bone milk cost?

Ryan: 16 dollars a bottle, and you need to sign a waiver that says you can’t sue me.

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley both scream in frustration.

Evelyn: This guy might be the worst person in the world, Riley.

Ryan: I can hear you.

Evelyn: [demonic] You were supposed to!

Ryan: Well it doesn’t matter what you think of me, because pretty soon, every dimension is gonna crash into each other and form a singularity, and when that happens I’m gonna be the only person in the world.

Riley: First of all- if that happens, a bunker will not save you.

Ryan: Yeah it will.

Riley: SECOND of all, why are you so cheap if you’re so convinced the universe is gonna collapse?

[Beat]

Ryan: 25 cents.

Riley: That’s not an answer! Answer my question, Loeball!

Ryan: I don’t want to.

Riley: I WILL HAVE YOU DOXXED.

Ryan: 10 cents. It’s gonna go down every time you yell at me.

Evelyn: What is wrong with you?

Ryan: 5.

Evelyn: You mother-

Riley: [cutting her off] Listen, Loeball, I’m not gonna buy your bone milk, and I’m not selling you my bones, do you hear me? I’m gonna have you blacklisted from every online marketplace in Tallahassee for your crimes.

SOUND: Ryan laughs.

Ryan: Oh sure, sure, that’s what they all say. But they always change their minds. I’m the best haggler in Florida. I bought a cybertruck on store credit. When I go to Trader Joe’s for my groceries, they pay me. Earlier today I got an authentic-esque european-style broadsword for one dollar! And they comped me on the delivery!

Riley: You...you bought a what now?

Evelyn: Riley, calm down, it might not be the same sword-

Riley: What was the name of the sword, Loeball?

Ryan: Destiny’s Child or something like that. I’ve been using it to unclog my toilet. Nothing else is strong enough.

Riley: What??

Ryan: All the calcium from the bone milk causes really heavy-duty shits.

Riley: YOU ARE A HEAVY DUTY SHIT! Destiny’s thorn deserves to be treated like a lady, not a pair of common poop scissors! You will never have my bones!

Ryan: Okay, but can I still put you down for-

Riley: No! You can stick that bone milk straight up your dick hole!

SOUND: Riley hangs up.

Riley: Well, we both named and shamed him. I feel a little better, though I’m still fucked up over the fact that Destiny’s Thorn is in the hands of such a duplicitous manlet.

Evelyn: Now we can focus on selling the bones again.

Riley: Yes, let’s.

SOUND: Riley types and clicks.

Evelyn: Hey Riley, quick question.

Riley: Is it about the fact that I said ‘poop scissors’?

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Ask Jon. He knows.

Evelyn: I hate that response.

SOUND: Riley gasps excitedly.

Riley: Evelyn! Evelyn!

Evelyn: Riley! Riley!

Riley: A buyer!

Evelyn: A buyer?

Riley: A bone buyer!

Evelyn: Someone to buy our bones?

Riley: They say they're interested in the bones and they're willing to pay sticker! Holy hell, Evelyn, this is amazing!

Evelyn: Oh gosh, that's perfect!

SOUND: Riley types.

Riley: [Cackles] Eat my entire ass, Loeball.

Evelyn: When are they coming to collect?

Riley: Huh. Weird. It says here that she’s coming now.

SOUND: Magical BOOM! Lilith appears.

Lilith: Greetings, Salespeople! I'm Lilith, but you can call me Lily. I'm here for your bones.

Riley: [Frustrated] When did the subtle art of knocking die?

Evelyn: Hey Lily! Welcome to Less Is Morgue!

[BEAT]

Riley: She can't hear you.

Lilith: Can't hear who?

Riley: Exactly.

Evelyn: Aw rats.

Riley: I'm Riley, my spectral associate here is Evelyn. You're on Less Is Morgue, our podcast.

Lilith: Oh sweet! I love podcasts.

Riley: And I love being able to move around my basement without wading through a tide of bones. I understand we can help each other here. It’s been a really long day and some previous customers have been...less than cooperative. So, let’s cut right to the transaction.

Lilith: Right! I’ll take all this off your hands and get going. Thanks for letting me collect on such short notice. I’d dig them up myself but all the cemeteries started installing razor wire on the fences.

Riley: God, razor wire, it’s the bane of my existence.

Lilith: Amen to that.

Riley: Oh, and can I get your full name? I need it for the show notes.

Lilith: Of course, dear. It’s Lilith Winterhold.

Evelyn: That’s an awesome name. Tell her I said that.

Riley: Evelyn says she likes your name.

Lilith: [Touched] Thank you! I got it from Skyrim.

Evelyn: What’s Skyrim?

Riley: This episode is running long already, we really don’t have time.

SOUND: Bones begin to clatter. They clatter throughout the scene as Lilith picks up the animal bones.

Evelyn: Ask her what she's gonna use the bones for!

Riley: Oh, I don't care.

Evelyn: Our listeners might!

Riley: [Groans] Evelyn, we’ve already wasted valuable and finite brainspace on knowing Bone Milk exists. Do you really want to—

Evelyn: C’mon, Riley! Don’t be rude!

Riley: [Sighs] Fine! [To Lilith] So, Lilith, what do you want all my bones for? To make some kind of injectable muscle supplement?

Lilith: Oh no. Nothing like that, it’s for my online business. I sell bespoke bone jewellery on Etsy.

Riley: That’s a relief. What’s the name of your store? We’ll plug it.

Lilith: It's called Bone Daddy’s.

Riley: [Exhausted] Of course it is.

Lilith: We mainly sell necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. You've got a bunch of small mammal and bird skeletons here, they’re just the right size.

Riley: But why bones?

Lilith: Reusing pre-owned organic materials is far better for the environment.

Riley: Us ghouls were into vulture culture before it was trendy. Just sayin’.

Evelyn: What about the human bones? They're a little, uh, big for jewellery.

Riley: [Stage whisper] I’m not gonna ask her that. What if it scares her off? We’ve already lost the sword, we can’t afford to lose the sale!

Evelyn: Just ask her! It'll be fine!

Riley: What about the human bones, Lily? Kaiju earrings? Custom toilet seat covers? Skull ashtrays?

Lilith: [Laughs] Oh, no, no, I only turn the animal bones into accessories. The human ones are for my skeleton army.

[BEAT]

Riley: Beg your pardon?

Evelyn: Huh?

Lilith: My skeleton army. You know, a horde of animated skeletons? Alive-animated, I mean, not The Black Cauldron-animated.

Riley: [Baffled] To quote my co-host: Huh?

Lilith: Oh, I'm a necromancer, didn't I mention that?

Riley: No, Lily. You did not mention that. So you can resurrect the dead?

Evelyn: [Excited] Can she make me a body? I have sixteen years of cake and haircuts to catch up on.

Lilith: Only skeletons, I'm half way through my degree.

Evelyn: [Sigh] So close, yet so far.

Riley: What kind of things do you use a skeleton army for?

Lilith: [Laughs] I mean, there are plenty of uses. Such as smiting my enemies with hordes of unkillable warriors, who rend their flesh with bony fingers until there’s nothing left but another husk to obey my every command. Little by little, forming a gray sea of domination and death from which none can escape.

[Beat]

Riley: Well, fuck.

Lilith: They also help me make my jewellery products. I’m actually the leading seller of bone jewellery on the entire website. All my competitors tragically passed away in skeleton-related accidents. They’re part of the army now.

Riley: So you run them like a skeleton sweat shop.

Lilith: Technically, they don't have skin, so they can't sweat...but yeah, I guess. I think of them more as a family, just one that also makes me money and kills guiltlessly on my command.

Riley: So like the Jacksons?

Lilith: Close enough. Just a little less dysfunction and abuse.

Riley: Seems a little weird.

Lilith: Raising the dead? Please. The barrier between life and death has all the integrity of a fresh-cooked soufflé. I mean, you hang out with a ghost!

Riley: No, I mean making your own family. It's normally the other way around.

Lilith: [Incredulous] What? That's even more common than necromancy. People do it all the time. Sure, they don't always use animated skeletons, but the family you're born with doesn't always have to be the one you're stuck with.

Riley: I'm not sure I follow.

Lilith: Sometimes you have a shitty family. Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of us. But it's like your default stats on a video game - just a starting point. You build new stuff from there. New parents, siblings, cousins, loyal deathless assassins. Whatever. You pick ‘em up as you go, and the ones who really care about you, well, you can keep them.

SOUND: Lilith continues to harvest the animal bones.

Riley: Huh. I guess you've got a point.

Evelyn: [Gasps] Riley, do you know what this means?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: It means I can be your mom now!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: I can remind you to eat your vegetables! And make you feel valued!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: Don't talk back to your mother like that, Riley!

Riley: Enough! This is getting way too Oedipal for my tastes!

Lilith: [Sighs] Okay, got ‘em. Looks like we’re done here.

Riley: Are you kidding!? You've only taken the animal bones. What about the rest?

Lilith: Oh, they can walk out on their own. Watch.

SOUND: Lilith claps twice. Rattling as the bones get up.

Riley: Holy fuck.

Evelyn: There’s spooky, scary skeletons everywhere!

Lilith: Okay boys, up and out. We've got a bunch of orders that need filling.

SOUND: Bones rattling as the skeletons leave. Door opens, then slams.

Lilith: So that’s that, then. We good?

Riley: I mean it's not quite that. Where's the money, Lilith?

Lilith: I’ll Paypal you. Laters!

Riley: Actually, wait!

Lilith: Huh?

Riley: Forget the money. Can I ask for a favour instead, from one misfit to another?

Lilith: Well, my dear, that would depend on the favour.

Riley: I’ll whisper it to you.

SOUND: Riley shuffles over, and whispers in Lilith’s ear. Lilith giggles.

Lilith: Oh, how delightfully diabolical!

Riley: Do we have a deal?

Lilith: Consider it done, dear.

Riley: Pleasure doing business with you.

Lilith: Toodaloo!

Evelyn: Bye, Lilith!

SOUND: Magical BOOM! Lilith is gone.

Evelyn: Why didn’t you take the money, Riles?

Riley: Well, Ev, seeing as we lost the sword, I figured - rather than asking for money, I could make an investment in my emotional needs.

Evelyn: That’s very mature of you, Riley.

Riley: Maybe don’t congratulate me just yet.

SOUND: Riley typing on their phone.

Evelyn: What are you doing?

Riley: Calling Loeball.

Evelyn: Oh, Riley, come on. That jerk will just get you all riled up again.

Riley: Not this time, Hooper.

SOUND: The phone rings. Then Loeball picks up. In the background of his call, there’s the jangling of bones as the skeleton army attacks.

Riley: Hey, Ryan! What’s up? I catch you at a bad time?

Ryan: Oh god, they’re everywhere. They’re everywhere!

Riley: What’s wrong, Loeball? You’re getting the bones for free! You really are the best haggler in Florida.

Ryan: Oh god, oh god, they’re clawing at me!

Riley: Good thing you drank all that bone milk, or you’d have no chance.

Evelyn: Uhhh...This might be a little much, Riley.

Ryan: My eyes, oh shit, they’ve got my eyes! [Screams]

Riley: You sound like you’ve got your hands full, so I’ll leave you to it.

Ryan: Fuck! Gimme back my spleen! [Screams again]

SOUND: Riley hangs up.

Riley: [Sighs contentedly] All's right with the world again.

Evelyn: Did you just…

Riley: Probably best not to think about it.

Evelyn: Good idea.

Riley: I have those, occasionally.

Evelyn: And hey, at least we got rid of all the bones.

Riley: Yeah, that's a plus. One of the handful of times in history we've set out to accomplish a task and actually fucking done it.

Evelyn: You make me the proudest mom in the world!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: How about I take you to Pizza Pizzazz-O as a treat?

Riley: That's not funny, you know I've been banned.

Evelyn: [Giggles] Turn that frown upside down, kiddo!

Riley: I will go Norman Bates on your ghostly ass, Hooper.

Evelyn: Wow, and here I thought I raised you right.

SOUND: Riley groans and Evelyn laughs.

[END OF EPISODE]

Riley turns the topic of conversation to their fantasy novel: The Sword of R’lyeh, and their inability to get a good beta reader for it. While Evelyn tries to manage Riley’s raging creative ego, Shaz - the guest from episode seven, now no longer high - recruits their friend Murray to act as Riley’s latest beta reader.

+Transcript

Riley: Okay, listeners, now we’re back in the basement, we’re going to discuss something important: literature. Specifically, literature written by the greatest undiscovered writer of their, or honestly, any generation: Me.

Evelyn: I think an opening like that is gonna turn people away, Riles.

Riley: Good. I hope it does. Cause anyone who gets turned away by that opening wasn’t strong enough for the awakening my novel is gonna give them. They’re gonna look back on that opening like it was a treasured childhood memory.

Evelyn: Can we at least do the--

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: Intro first? Before you blow anyone’s mind too hard?

Riley: Fine. Do the intro, then we’ll get literary.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means you like comedy podcasts, and you’re in the Berenstain universe!

Riley: In 2016, Microsoft released an experimental, learning AI called Tay onto Twitter. It took less than 24 hours for Tay to become a hard-right, homophobic white supremacist. Officials at Twitter considered the experiment to be a resounding success. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: This is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Evelyn: And today, we’re talking about books and writing!

Riley: My books and writing.

Evelyn: Personally, I was a huge fan of Judy Blume, the Baby-Sitters Club, and Sweet Valley High.

Riley: [disgusted] So all YA stuff?

Evelyn: You got a problem with YA stuff?

Riley: I mean it’s not like…

Evelyn: Not like what?

Riley: Real literature.

Evelyn: Riley, you write fantasy. Aren’t people literally always crapping on fantasy?

Riley: I write fantasy for adults. And highly sophisticated adults, at that. Like that human on youtube, with the beard and the eyepatch.

Evelyn: What does that even mean?

Riley: You know, the one who did a dramatic reading of the first chapter. They said it was a ‘soon to be classic of literature’. And, while I think that’s under-selling it-

Evelyn: No, what does ‘for adults’ mean?

Riley: Well, more complex characters, more interesting themes--

Evelyn: But YA has all that stuff, too. Especially these days.

Riley: What do you even know about books “these days”? You’ve been dead since the early oughts.

Evelyn: You know, when you’re asleep, I mostly listen to audiobooks. I’m pretty caught up.

Riley: Shhhh! Don’t tell the listeners I sleep, it’ll undermine their perception of my power!

Evelyn: Point is, YA stuff does have great characters and complex themes. A Series of Unfortunate Events is dark and mysterious. The Hunger Games has awesome worldbuilding and really smart political subtext. Percy Jackson and the Olympians has great, complex characters. “Adult fiction” at its best is just the same stuff with more blood, sex, and swearing! And at least YA gives kids hope for positive change - adult fiction acts like giving up and doing nothing is cool cause the author’s already done it.

Riley: [genuinely surprised] Wow, Ev. I didn’t really peg you as the...I dunno, bookish type?

Evelyn: I was an English major in college! I wrote my thesis on queer themes on fairytales! Just cause I’m cheerful doesn’t mean I’m dumb. I just don’t feel the need to constantly prove how smart I am to people.

Riley: Well, in that case, wanna help me with my book?

Evelyn: Sure!

SOUND: Papers rustle.

Riley: So, it’s called “The Sword of R’lyeh.”

Evelyn: You have mentioned it before.

Riley: I released the first chapter on twitter to resounding acclaim.

Evelyn: Resounding?

Riley: Acclaim. Josh Rubino from Valence described my writing as ‘fearless’, and ‘positively Shakespearean’.

Evelyn: Riley, I’m not sure that-

Riley: Hellcat Press called it ‘glorious’, and that one was in all caps so you know she meant it.

Evelyn: ...Yeah, I’m sure she did, Riley.

Riley: And now, we’re going to explore the rest of it.

SOUND: Riley placing a large stack of papers on the desk.

Evelyn: This looks less like a book and more like a huge stack of different papers you’ve scribbled on.

Riley: It’s a high fantasy about a young ghoul in a world that doesn’t understand and appreciate them, but they fight for the success that they deserve anyway.

Evelyn: Ooh, so it’s autobiographical?

Riley: No. Where did you get that idea?

Evelyn: Oh. Just grasping at straws, I guess. What’s the plot?

Riley: The plot?

Evelyn: Yeah, you know, what happens in it?

Riley: Well, it doesn’t have a traditional plot, as such. It’s more a sequence of vignettes.

Evelyn: Like The Hobbit!

Riley: What!? No, Tolkein was a prelapsarian-fetishising hack. I resist all comparison.

Evelyn: So...what kinds of stuff happens in it?

Riley: All kinds of stuff! Let’s take a look at chapter four, for example.

SOUND: Riley ruffles through paper.

Riley: In this chapter, R’Lyeh gets chased out of the ancient tombs by the guardian spirits.

Evelyn: Ooh, why were they in the ancient tombs? Were they looking for secret treasure, or some kind of magical artefact?

Riley: No, that’s normie shit. They’re there to eat the bodies.

Evelyn: Oh.

Riley: That’s a lot more relatable, I think.

Evelyn: What’s the chapter you wrote on that legal pad?

Riley: A-ha! Chapter Nine! For once, Hooper, I admire your taste.

SOUND: Paper ruffling.

Riley: With this one, I went a little out of my comfort zone.

Evelyn: I’m proud of you! What happens?

Riley: It introduces a romantic subplot between R’lyeh and the waiter at the local tavern.

Evelyn: Oh wow, what’s the waiter’s name?

Riley: Eh, I’m back and forth, but I’m thinking Tobias.

Evelyn: Like that waiter at Pizza Pizzazz-O you told me about!

Riley: Shut up! That’s a total coincidence. No connection at all!

Evelyn: So, tell me a little about the romance!

Riley: It’s kinda one-sided, at first at least. But he comes around.

Evelyn: How does Riley- I mean, uh, R’lyeh put the moves on him?

Riley: There’s some pretty classic romantic tropes here. They vomit out some bird skeletons for him, mark their territory, watch him quietly from the sidelines. It’s a star-crossed romance - the tavern tries to ban R’lyeh, but it doesn’t stop them.

Evelyn: Have you shown this to anyone else?

Riley: I shared an exclusive snippet from one of the chapters in episode five, I’ve posted the first chapter on twitter, and I’ve been to a few different writing workshops, but none of them got it.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Let me tell you something about writing workshops and beta readers: 99.99% of them are malicious and exist only to tear you down. They don’t want to see you succeed, they’re just bitter because they haven’t made anything better.

Evelyn: Uhhh...I don’t think that’s quite true, Riley. I mean, aren’t most beta readers your friends? They just want what’s best for you.

Riley: Ha! I’ve cut off so-called friends because they were trying to tear my writing down. I’ve also been banned from the Tallahassee Writers Association, and two different workshops at Tallahassee Community College, because I’ve been willing to speak out about their anti-art bias!

---

Evelyn: How do you plan on getting it published if you won’t let anyone edit it?

Riley: I’m glad you asked, Ev, because the key is finding a beta reader you can work with. I’ve been through plenty, but I think this new one might just be perfect.

Evelyn: [excited] Is it me?

Riley: No, no, of course not, you’re too personally biased. Remember Shaz?

Evelyn: Of course, we spoke about melty dogs. Are they gonna be the beta reader?

Riley: God no, but they have hooked me up with one. Shaz owed me after last time.

Evelyn: I thought you were cool with that in the end.

Riley: Them turning up high? Yeah, I got over it, but what they did to the bathroom? That, I had trouble forgiving.

Evelyn: What did Shaz do in the bathroom!?

Riley: Let’s just say that not all of Shaz’s “Three Hole Problem” made it into the actual toilet.

Evelyn: Which hole missed?

Riley: Little of each.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: Thankfully, Shaz’s best friend is a writer, and doesn’t know me, and thus, cannot have a personal grudge against me.

SOUND: Typing and clicking.

Riley: I sent him scans of my writing, and we’re gonna have our first meeting today over Skype.

Evelyn: On the show?

Riley: Yeah, it fits with today’s topic, so why not? We’ve just gotta wait for Skype to load.

Evelyn: How long will that take?

Riley: Couple hours.

Evelyn: Aw beans.

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Classic, 1940s gramophone music plays. It’s scratchy and eerie. A man with a polite, refined English accent begins to speak.

Grady: Hello there. Terribly cold out this evening, isn’t it? Please, do step in. It’s so warm in here, and what’s more, there’s a party in the great hall. The one with the gold walls. Yes, we’ve been waiting for you. Having a hard time writing? Need to get away from it all? Need help focusing? We’re here for you. We want to see your masterpiece completed as much as you do. Here, at the Overwrite Hotel’s annual writer’s retreat, we can help.

SOUND: The tapping of a typewriter’s keys.

Grady: Art is making beauty from pain and suffering, writing even moreso. Here at the Overwrite, we can help you spin your demons into gold. We provide free alcoholic beverages, courtesy of the house. Inspiring companionship in many of our suites. We’ll put all sorts of new, exciting ideas into your head, that will help you produce writing like you’ve never produced before. We’ll help you do things you never imagined yourself capable of. We’ll help you take an axe to writer’s block.

SOUND: An axe strikes wood.

Grady: And, of course, there’s a free continental breakfast that comes with the room. So please, writers the world over, take a trip down to the Overwrite Hotel’s Writers Retreat. Be sure to bring your family.

SOUND: The scratchy gramophone music continues for a few moments, then finally cuts out.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

Riley: So while skype’s doing…whatever it’s doing, lemme just read you all the initial email that Shaz sent me, for background purposes.

SOUND: Riley clicks and opens the email.

Riley: [Clears throat] “Subject line- your perfect beta reader. So hey Riley, sorry about how I was drugged up to fuck that time I came to your house. In my defense, I listened to my episode and it’s easily the best one, so I personally believe it was worth it. Anyway, I read your WIP on the plane and it fucking slaps. And I was sober and everything so you know that’s fully valid.

Your shit’s super avant garde, it blew my mind, it’s iconic, and if you don’t send it somewhere you’re an absolute fool. But I also get that you have BPD and you’re on the spectrum and when you’re brainweird in that specific flavour of way, rejection can feel like being physically stabbed in the heart with a pool cue.

I absolutely relate, I’ve got ADHD and I’m living that RSD life. When I was in college I set my professor’s car on fire after he gave me 65 on my abstract triptych. Anyway, all criticism is bullshit because art is subjective but I still think you need a beta reader to help you find all the spelling mistakes and nuts and bolts shit like that.

He’s my work friend and he writes stuff for his job so he knows what he’s talking about but I also know him to be a wiener and a pushover so there is scientifically no way he will cut down your raw creativity. His name’s Murray, here’s his skype contact. Shine on you crazy star beast, next time I hear from you you’d better have a Nobel prize for literature. Shaz out, send email.”

Evelyn: Why would they write ‘send email’ at the end of the email?

Riley: You’ve met Shaz, you know there’s no reason. So there’s your context. I sent the manuscript through last week and I think that’s plenty of time to read something, so I’m gonna call him now.

Evelyn: Shouldn’t you wait until it’s daylight in Sydney?

Riley: Time zones are an invention of the deep state, Evelyn. I don’t believe in them.

SOUND: Skype call noise. It rings for a while before it’s answered.

Riley: Workshop time, let’s go.

SOUND: Riley ‘chop chop’ claps

Murray: [Half-asleep] Who are you?

Riley: Did you read the book?

Murray: What- what book? What book are you- hold on, I need my glasses.

SOUND: Shuffling on the other end.

[Beat.]

Murray: [Nervous] Oh, okay- hi Riley. Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to react like that, it’s just that you are really close to the camera and you look almost exactly like my sleep paralysis demon.

Riley: No offence taken, a lot of people tell me that. Now, let’s get into the weeds- did you read the-

Murray: Please move back from the camera. I can’t talk to you like this.

[Beat.]

Murray: Riley, I’m begging.

Evelyn: C’mon Riley, you’re way too close to the screen. You’re gonna ruin your eyes.

Riley: Okay, sorry.

SOUND: Riley leans away from the screen.

Murray: That’s much better. Thank you. [Pause] Oh cool, that other voice was on your end.

Evelyn: Hi Murray! Sorry we woke you up!

Murray: It’s fine. I’d only been asleep for like an hour anyway.

Riley: Google says it’s 4 AM over there.

Murray: I’ve no control over my life.

Riley: Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Evelyn: It’s a little hard to see you with the lights off, except for the eye-glow. Are you a ghoul, too?

Murray: What? No, no, I’m a werewolf. [Beat] Is it okay if I just sit here in the dark? My hair is awful and I don’t want you to see it.

Riley: It’s fine, it’s an audio medium.

Murray: Shit- You’re recording this!?

Riley: Yeah, keep up. We’re talking about my book.

Murray: Shit- shit…you really putting me on the spot here. I’m gonna go make a cup of tea and just fuckin’…be awake now, I guess.

SOUND: Shuffling and footsteps on the other end.

Evelyn: Maybe we should call him back tomorrow.

Riley: Absolutely not. These are ideal workshopping hours. He’s too sleepy and disoriented to lie to me.

SOUND: Murray picking his phone back up. He slurps his cup of tea.

Murray: Okay, okay, so- the Sword of Riley--

Riley: R’lyeh. It’s not autobiographical, despite what you may have heard.

Murray: Okay, so, I’m up to Chapter Forty-Five--

Riley: That’s the one where R’lyeh destroys the clan of snapback-wearing goblins who shit-talked their mighty steed, Ray-Zor.

Murray: Yeah, I know.

Riley: I’m telling the listeners.

Murray: Okay, sorry, sorry. So I have some…I have a few...there’s like, one or two things I might maybe change? If I were you, I mean. You’re absolutely free to not take any of these suggestions.

Riley: Thanks, I won’t.

Murray: So, there’s a few typos, where you’ve written ‘rouge’ instead of ‘rogue’ and ‘satin’ instead of ‘satan’...[Nervously back-tracking] But, you know, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because I know you did write this by hand so that may just be the pdf fucking up. And on page 500, there’s some sentences that I feel like would be, uh- you’re using a lot of passive voice, so, maybe you could - change that up, if you wanted to.

Riley: I don’t want to.

Murray: [Clearly intimidated] Totally understandable!

Evelyn: Murray, you know that they can’t get you through the screen, right?

Riley: He doesn’t know that.

Murray: I don’t know that.

SOUND: Murray slurps his cup of tea again.

Riley: Do you have anything else you’d like to say about my book?

Murray: Nope. No. All good.

Riley: Are you just saying that because you wanna go back to sleep?

Murray: No. I honestly…no, yeah, I don’t have any more feedback.

Riley: You did read the book, right?

Murray: I did, I did. My favourite chapter was Chapter Ten, the one where, after being rejected by Tobias, R’lyeh goes on a 5-day holy pilgrimage to the Ocean Realm of Rolando. I thought the part where R’lyeh rides a whale into space was really f…. Not funny, it was completely serious and genuinely uplifting.

SOUND: He drinks the tea again.

Murray: Listen, criticism is just...it’s not my thing. So just cut me a break.

Evelyn: Would you like some help?

Riley: Evelyn, no. Your opinion is biased.

Evelyn: I’m your friend, and I want your book to do well. Okay, Murray- let’s give Riley a compliment sandwich. Say two things that worked, and one thing that didn’t in between.

Murray: [Deadpan] Yeah, Evelyn, I know what a compliment sandwich is. [Sigh] Okay, Riley-

Riley: Yes.

Murray: You’re really creative. I really like some of these ideas. But … I … uh … there’s no real story, and it’s kind of, um, nothing has any weight to it, you know? But outside of that, um… I think you’ve done some interesting… nonlinear stuff?

[Beat.]

Murray: Please don’t come through the screen and hit me.

Evelyn: They can’t do that.

Riley/Murray: [Simultaneous] He doesn’t know that/I don't know that.

Riley: I’m calling Shaz. I’m adding Shaz to the call.

Evelyn: Why?

Riley: They mis-sold me this beta reader. He’s broken.

Murray: Hey!

Riley: Silence.

SOUND: Skype ringing. Shaz picks up. There’s music playing in the background, plus the sound of a movie on TV.

Shaz: Oh hi, Riley and Murray. Are you two kids getting along?

Murray: We’re both older than you.

Evelyn: Why aren’t you sleeping?

Shaz: I had two cups of biker coffee at 6 PM. I’ve finished like two weeks worth of work in 10 minutes and I can zoom my vision in and out. It’s amazing. I just cooked 25 different Buzzfeed recipes. I feel like I could kill a person with my mind. Nutella Chicken Pizza isn’t as gross as it sounds. Neither is key lime spaghetti. They actually pair really well.

Riley: Shaz, you liked my book, right?

Shaz: Fuck yeah, baby, loved it! You’re the next Will Self.

Riley: Tell Murray that. He’s trying to stomp on my creativity.

Shaz: What? I’m sorry, what? Quoi?

SOUND: All the background noise on Shaz’s end stops.

Shaz: How dare you.

Murray: They wanted honest feedback! I’m doing my best! I didn’t even say anything that harsh, but Riley just went mad!

Shaz: Murray, you allistic doughnut, of course they did! Riley opened up their soul to you and you just stomped all over it! The Sword of R’lyeh is an avant-garde masterpiece and you just can’t get on the level!

Riley: Yeah, Murray! Get on our level!

Murray: Please stop yelling at me, it’s so early and I’m afraid!

Evelyn: [Demonic] Everyone shut up! You’re acting like a bunch of babies!

[Beat.]

Murray: Well. There’s my nightmares for the next month absolutely sorted.

Evelyn: Sorry, I had to do it. Now- Riley. You’re very sensitive to criticism.

Riley: I’m not, everyone else is just mean.

Evelyn: No. You don’t like feeling stupid, especially in front of people.

Riley: More or less correct.

Evelyn: That’s a very understandable feeling. But, I’m gonna ask you to put it aside, because Shaz and Murray and I are your friends, and we want your work to be successful. We…

Murray: Shaz and you.

Evelyn: - Shaz and I...know you pretty well, and Murray is a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

[Beat.]

Evelyn: Are you on board?

Riley: Mostly.

Evelyn: Okay, good enough. For the rest of the call, if you feel victimised by anything we’re saying, just try and remind yourself that we’re talking about the work, and not you. Nothing is meant to be taken personally.

Shaz: You can’t just say that, Evelyn, God.

Evelyn: Why not?

Shaz: Because all art is an extension of the self. It’s impossible to give criticism without it being personal on some level. I’ll stand by that belief until I die.

Murray: Okay so, without criticism, how do you find the difference between good art and bad art?

Shaz: It’s all a matter of taste. You create for yourself and people with similar tastes will enjoy what you make regardless.

Riley: Right.

Evelyn: Okay, maybe you have a bit of a point there. But this isn’t criticism. This is workshopping. Our focus here is to get Riley’s book to be its best self. You know, it’s like… literary Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Riley: Are you comparing my writing to a schlubby cishet man with bad fashion sense?

Evelyn: No, of course not. I just didn’t wanna say Boot Camp because I know how you and Shaz both feel about fitness culture.

Shaz: I’ll allow it.

Riley: I won’t.

Evelyn: Riley.

Riley: [Reluctant] Nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack, nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack--

SOUND: Murray drinking another sip of his tea.

Evelyn: Murray.

SOUND: He almost chokes mid-sip.

Murray: Oh no, here we go.

Evelyn: What, honestly, but without any personal judgement aimed at Riley, personally, did you think of the Sword of R’lyeh?

[Beat.]

Evelyn: They 100% cannot physically harm you from here.

Riley: He doesn’t-

Evelyn: I do. Go on, Murray.

SOUND: Murray takes a deep breath to prepare himself.

Murray: I get what you were going for. But, to me, as potentially someone who this book isn’t for, I thought it was kind of self-indulgent and aimless. Like, in Chapter Twenty-Four there was this long rant about how expensive movie tickets are and it had no bearing on anything. Really took me out of the story.

Riley: HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP, THAT CHAPTER- [They take a breath] Nothing said in this call is meant as a personal attack. [They grit their teeth] So you think I should cut that part?

Shaz: No! Absolutely not!

Evelyn: It’s Murray’s turn to speak, Shaz!

Murray: Yeah, if you were gonna cut anything, for flow or length or what have you, that’d be the logical cut to make.

Riley: [Tense] I see. Thank you for that valuable opinion.

Shaz: Don’t listen to him, Riley! I love all of the weird anachronisms, they’re the best parts! Chapter Twenty-Four is fucking comedy gold! You gotta keep it. Without the weird breaks from the story it wouldn’t be the Naked Lunch-esque romp through your brain that it is, it’d just read like some boring high fantasy novel.

[Beat.]

Shaz: What? Why is everyone looking at me?

Murray: Shaz. Mate.

Riley: [Quietly enraged] Comedy Gold.

SOUND: Shaz laughs nervously.

Shaz: So you...the Sword of R’lyeh is uh…You wrote it unironically, huh?

Riley: Yeah, Shaz. I did.

Shaz: But it’s like... it’s so... It’s just you, and your life. And there’s a bit where you ride a whale to the moon. How is that...How did you not mean for that to be funny?

Riley: It was supposed to be an epic and uplifting reflection on the limitations of gravity.

Shaz: [Defensive] That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and if you didn’t want me to think it was funny, you shouldn’t have put it in there!

Riley: You’re a traitor! Traitor!

Shaz: Oh, yeah? Well, you’re a -

SOUND: Shaz takes a deep breath.

Shaz: [To themselves] Being told I’m wrong isn’t a personal attack, being told I’m wrong isn’t a personal attack--

Murray: You wanna go chill out for a bit, Shaz?

Shaz: Yeah, I think I should. Sorry, guys. Sorry. I am a traitor.

Murray: No.

Shaz: --and a fraud,

Murray: Shut up, you aren’t.

Shaz: --and a hypocrite,

Murray: Cut that out and go take a nap.

Shaz: I will.

Murray: See you Monday.

Shaz: See you Monday.

SOUND: Shaz disconnects from the call.

Evelyn: See, Riley? Lots of people have trouble taking criticism. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Murray: Can I leave now?

Riley: Yeah. Go ahead. Can I call you again later?

[Beat.]

Murray: [Kind of terrified by the idea] Yeah? Sounds good?

Evelyn: I hope you get some sleep, Murray.

Murray: Yeah, me too.

SOUND: The call ends.

Riley: Evelyn?

Evelyn: Yeah?

Riley: Do you think all the people on twitter thought the Sword of R’lyeh was meant to be a comedy too?

Evelyn: Uhh- Not to be mean, but….yeah. I think they did.

Riley: Even the person with the eyepatch?

Evelyn: I think especially the person with the eyepatch. [pause] But that’s not a bad thing! They still like it!

Riley: Don’t you dare try and Greg Sestero me, Evelyn! I’m emotionally devastated! (sighs) At least now I know what I was doing wrong. I’m gonna stop the recording for now. Listeners, I’m gonna give the Sword of R’lyeh some edits and get back to you later.

SOUND: The audio cuts.

Riley: Okay, so it is...the day after our workshop call, and I wanted to update everyone on the things I’ve done to the novel based on the feedback I got.

Evelyn: Did you lean into the unintentional comedy? I thought that might be a good way to make the book stand out.

Riley: No, absolutely not. This book is serious. So, I did some more research on the Middle Ages and cut some of the anachronisms. And I tried to make R’lyeh lose more of their confrontations to make the story have more weight.

Evelyn: That’s a good start!

Riley: And also, R’lyeh has a sidekick now, to provide some levity.

Evelyn: Oh?

Riley: She’s a human bard named Eve and she sings songs of R’lyeh’s bravery, and even though her singing is really bad, she’s R’lyeh’s best friend.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, that’s so sweet! You put me in the story!

Riley: It’s not autobiographical. I keep telling you this.

[ END ]

After having real trouble dragging a corpse back into the basement, Riley realises that they’re out of shape. Evelyn attempts to help, suggesting Riley takes a trip out into nature for a hike, but a run-in with a stranded vampire turns a night of casual exercise into a race against time.

+Transcript

SOUND: We open on the unpleasant noise of Riley distantly grunting and straining.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! I hope you're all having a good week. We’re gonna start up in just a second, once Riley finally manages to get down here.

Riley: [calling out] I can hear you talking about me down there! Cut that shit out!

Evelyn: I’m just introducing the show!

Riley: Gimme like two seconds! [grunts] Start talking about today’s subject, I'll join in when I get down!

Evelyn: Are you sure? You look kinda…

Riley: If we wait any longer to get into the meat of this episode, people will unsubscribe!

Evelyn: Okay, okay, fine! Just don't give yourself a hernia. [Clears throat] So today, friends both living and otherwise, we’re gonna talk about a topic near and dear to my heart: Being nice to each other. And you're probably thinking, “Evelyn, isn't everyone nice to each other?” And I’d like to live - or, uh, be dead in that world too, but let me read you some of these comments from our first ten episodes.

SOUND: Evelyn clicks and scrolls with her ghost powers.

Evelyn: Here’s one from a Reddit thread on episode one: “These two are like my last two brain cells. But not in a fun way, I mean more in like an Alzheimer’s way.” Yikes.

SOUND: Evelyn clicks again.

Evelyn: This one is a tweet we got after episode three: “It’s a real shame Morby didn't destroy the universe, at least then this show wouldn't exist anymore.”

SOUND: Evelyn clicks again.

Evelyn: And this is an Instagram comment we got on episode seven: “Haven't listened to the episode, have no interest in listening to the episode. My daughter is such a disappointment.” From the account CarmenAlmanzor666. Now I don't like to put people on blast, but what kind of mean, cruel, disrespectful- Oh, wait, that’s Riley’s mom.

SOUND: A corpse comes tumbling downstairs into the basement.

Evelyn: Huh. I kinda hate how normal seeing a dead body roll down the stairs is for me now.

SOUND: Riley comes skittering down the stairs on all fours, panting.

Riley: Jesus fuck. What an ordeal.

Evelyn: Yeah, that took a lot longer than usual.

Riley: At least now we can eat.

Evelyn: You can eat. I don’t partake in this.

Riley: [still panting] Well, sue the pants off me for trying to include you. What are we talking about today?

Evelyn: Trolls.

Riley: Like the one who's always doing heroin under the interstate bridge?

Evelyn: No, no, the online ones.

Riley: Ugh. Even worse. Lemme tell you, if I had the Death Note…

Evelyn: Look at this comment on episode eight - “Shaz has the right idea. You have to be on this many drugs to enjoy this bullshit.” Pardon my French.

Riley: Which platform is that?

Evelyn: Reddit.

Riley: Shit, so I can't even retaliate.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: I got shadowbanned for speaking the truth about Guantanamo on the r/StevenUniverse subreddit. Those sheeple have been asleep for too long.

Evelyn: Why are people so mean? A lot of these are overtly racist and homophobic, too!

Riley: Hey, don't forget ableist. I've seen a lot of jokes about my psychological fuck-pie on tumblr. But it's a grim reality of the internet - people are assholes and there's literally nothing anyone can do about it.

Evelyn: But what about a robust reporting system--

Riley: Literally nothing.

Evelyn: Or the platforms could take more of a stand--

Riley: Anyone can do about it. [Suddenly breaks into a hacking cough]

Evelyn: You okay there, Riley?

Riley: Me? Yeah, totally. Totally fine. The corpse was just a big guy.

Evelyn: I’ve seen you carry bigger guys. Honestly, you have kind of scary upper-body-strength most of the time.

Riley: [still very clearly out of breath] Let’s just do the fucking--

SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: Intro while I catch my breath. Then you can complain about mean comments on the internet some more.

Evelyn: Okay, just, you know, take it easy.

Riley: [wheezing] Don’t tell me how to live my life.

Evelyn: [a little concerned, but still trying] Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, it means--

SOUND: Riley gives a loud, hacking cough.

Evelyn: Seriously, Riley, you’re not looking good.

Riley: What? I’m the picture of health. [wheeze]

Evelyn: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think your fitness has fallen behind a little.

Riley: What are you talking about? I’m the same as I’ve always been. I can still buy jeans from the kids’ section, even though I’ve been banned from The Baby Gap.

Evelyn: Why are you banned from so many places? Anyway, your weight isn’t a concern, Riley, your cardio is the problem.

Riley: My cardio. Right. What do you even know about ghoul hearts?

Evelyn: I’m just worried that your heart is gonna explode in your chest at any moment, unless your lungs beat them to the punch.

Riley: Wow, maybe a little brutal there, Ev.

Evelyn: The truth hurts, but it will set you free from a massive coronary later in life!

Riley: Fine! But what are we gonna do about this? Shall I just keel over and die, and give the trolls and also my Mom what they want?

Evelyn: The opposite, actually! Maybe we just need to get you a little more exercise?

Riley: If you tell me to join a gym, I swear, Hooper, I’ll figure out a way to eat ghosts.

Evelyn: There are other ways to get exercise. Let’s ask Google.

Riley: Can’t hurt, I guess.

SOUND: Riley types and clicks.

Riley: I googled “exercise in Tallahassee.” Let’s see what we’ve got.

Evelyn: There’s the Tallahassee Rock Gym at Railroad Square.

Riley: Inconceivable. My enemies can never know the extent of my climbing skill unless it's an emergency.

Evelyn: Pilates?

Riley: That’s a made-up word and literally nothing you can say will convince me otherwise.

Evelyn: Ooh, yoga! That looks fun.

Riley: Evelyn, I’m already hyperflexible.

Evelyn: Yeah, but I think you could use a little zen.

Riley: What’s this...“Hardcore Yoga.” That feels like a contradiction in terms.

Evelyn: What does the description say?

Riley: “Normal Yoga is all about exercising, centering yourself, and finding a place of peace. Normal Yoga is also for pussies, and gets put down by hypermasculine Western society as being woo-woo bullshit. That’s why Hardcore Yoga capitulates to these bad faith criticisms, and gives you a type of Yoga the men in your life will admire you for: We drink hard liquor, smoke crack, and occasionally shoot people with a number of therapeutic rifles.”

Evelyn: That doesn’t sound nice at all.

Riley: Yeah, and the only man in my life is Pizza Ghost Jon, and I’ve already accepted that he’s never gonna admire me.

Evelyn: What about jogging?

Riley: I don’t have the posture for it.

Evelyn: Okay, walking! That’s something anyone with working legs can do.

Riley: Problem is, if I go out walking, people will see me. That’s a deal-breaker.

Evelyn: What about the wilderness? There are plenty of cool nature trails you can try. Heck, I used to hike up in Apalachicola National Forest all the time back when I was a girl scout.

Riley: Of fucking COURSE you were a girl scout. That is the least surprising fact I’ve ever heard. I can just see you selling cookies to pedophiles on a little red wagon.

Evelyn: [excited] I’m not hearing a no…

Riley: You’re not hearing a “yes”, either. What if I get caught on a trail cam and become Florida’s latest cryptid? I don’t need that shit in my life.

---

Evelyn: Riley, you’re not even in the top thousand weirdest people in Florida. You’ll be fine.

Riley: But what about bugs!?

Evelyn: You eat bugs all the time!

Riley: Yeah, on my turf. In the forest, they outnumber me. What if the swarm wants revenge for all of their brethren I’ve consumed? What then, huh?

Evelyn: Now you’re just making excuses to not go outside.

Riley: Outside is scary and bad things happen there.

Evelyn: But good things happen there, too!

Riley: Like what?

Evelyn: You might see a double-rainbow!

Riley: It’s nighttime, Evelyn.

Evelyn: A moon double rainbow!

Riley: That’s physically impossible!

Evelyn: Just give it a chance, Riley. Come on.

Riley: Wow, that’s a really compelling argument. You should have used that one sooner, Ev.

Evelyn: [Sighs] You know...I heard there were also some UFO sightings around Apalachicola.

Riley: Wait, really?

Evelyn: Yep! I saw a video about it on YouTube.

Riley: Were they saucers or rods?

Evelyn: Uhhh...Rods?

Riley: My god, this corresponds perfectly to my theories about Floridian extraterrestrial activity. Okay, that settles it, we’re going.

Evelyn: Yay! The Great Outdoors!

SOUND: Riley shuffles and turns off the recording.

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SOUND: Musical jingle plays - ‘Axiom Cares for You’

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: The recording kicks back in - we have the ambient noise of cicadas chirping, and birds twittering away in the trees. We’re deep in Apalachicola National Forest. There are footsteps as Riley walks down the forest path.

Riley: Fuck this, and fuck everything about this. Forests are awful and I was right all along.

Evelyn: We’ve been out here for like twenty minutes.

Riley: That’s nineteen more than I need to judge if I hate something like this.

Evelyn: Can you even name reasons you don’t like it, or is it just because you’re afraid of change?

Riley: No, there are plenty of totally valid reasons. For example- ow, fuck!

Evelyn: What’s wrong?

Riley: I stepped on another fucking rock. Ow! God damn it.

Evelyn: Maybe if you wore shoes, this wouldn’t be a problem.

Riley: I don’t like the way they feel on my skin, okay!?

SOUND: The annoying buzz of mosquitos.

Riley: Oh, fuck off! Stupid fucking mosquitos. Not big enough to eat, but plenty big enough to piss you off. It’s a forest full of god damn bloodsuckers.

Evelyn: Can’t relate - Anymore, at least.

Riley: I win in the long run. Ghoul blood is poison to everything, so these fuckers are gonna die tonight. [Sick little Riley chuckle]

Evelyn: Way to make me feel sorry for mosquitos, Riley.

Riley: At least the weather’s nice. Not too hot, not too cold. No wind interfering with the audio. So no twitter wise-ass can get on our backs about mic quality.

Evelyn: Are you recording on your phone?

Riley: Yeah, it’s got a pretty good mic. Audio from this will sound way better than you’d expect phone audio to sound.

Evelyn: That's convenient.

Riley: Extremely.

Evelyn: Point is, rocks and bugs aside, you're getting exercise and fresh air! This is huge, Riley - I'm proud of you!

Riley: Yeah, yeah, let’s save the victory party until we get back to the basement. There are dark things in these woods.

Evelyn: Like what?

Riley: Like the Skunk Ape.

Evelyn: You made that up.

Riley: I did not! He's legit and you can google it.

Evelyn: You can't just invoke whatever the “Skunk Ape” is and not explain it.

Riley: Well, there are a number of theories into the exact nature of the Skunk Ape. He's a kind of Sasquatch or Bigfoot that’s been spotted in Florida, Arkansas, and North Carolina, leading to some researchers suggesting that the Skunk Ape is a whole species.

Evelyn: And I'm guessing you don't believe that?

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: You kind of aggressively fight against whatever the majority belief is in any given situation.

Riley: Okay, yes, I don't believe that. Personally, I think it's far more likely he's a sixth-dimensional being who can slip between the physical and abstract planes of existence at will. This isn't my theory, though, it's all there in Denver Riggleman’s book, “Types of Sasquatch and How To Fuck Them.”

Evelyn: I don't see why you're so worried about him. He seems pretty benign, compared to some things we've had to deal with. Like this one Apple Podcasts reviewer who called our show “an abortion.” Or the guys who keep telling me to kill myself, which doesn't even make sense!

Riley: Oh sure, he's benign, but he also stinks - hence the “skunk” in Skunk Ape.

Evelyn: But you stink, and I love you.

Riley: See, I stink like a box of mouldy comic books and week-old McDonalds fries - the Skunk Ape stinks like a guy with halitosis ate the ass of a guy with Crohn’s Disease, from what I've heard.

Evelyn: Well, in that case, I'm glad being dead has seriously dampened my sense of smell.

---

Riley: If it hadn't, my basement would probably be pretty unliveable for you. It’s weird, you guys really don’t like the smell of your species’ corpses.

Evelyn: Being dead is the gift that keeps on giving.

Riley: Also, I've not seen any UFO activity since we got out here. No rods, no saucers, not even any orbs. I'm honestly pretty disappointed on that front.

Evelyn: But at least you're getting the cardio you need! And the trolls can't reach us in the woods!

Riley: Can you forget about the trolls for a second, Evelyn? You really need to develop a thicker ectoplasmic membrane.

Evelyn: But they're so cruel! I can't not be hurt by it!

Riley: And frankly, as far as I'm concerned, the cardio is secondary to the aliens.

SOUND: Rustling from a nearby bush.

Klyle: Yo yo yo, did somebody say cardio?

Riley: Fuck! Who the hell are you!?

Evelyn: Are you the Skunk Ape?

Klyle: What? No! Do I look like a Sasquatch to you?

Riley: He can see you - so he must be undead.

Klyle: Well, yeah, I'm a vampire. Creature of the night! [Count Von Count-Esque] Ha Ha Ha!

Evelyn: Oh cool! I haven't seen a vampire in like forever.

Riley: The hell do you want, cold one? Evelyn doesn't even have blood and mine’s poison.

Klyle: Okay, first of all, my name’s Klyle. So maybe don't be rude and call me that instead, ‘Kay?

Evelyn: Kyle?

Klyle: Klyle.

Riley: That's not a real name.

Klyle: It totally is. It was real popular in Bulgaria in the fifteen hundreds, when I was born.

Riley: Okay, Klyle, what do you want from us?

Klyle: Well, funny you should ask - you know I usually hike on the Lafayette Heritage Trail, but I felt like a change, so like, why not Apalachicola, right? So, long story short, I’m lost, and I’m a little worried about the sun coming out while I’m still exposed.

Riley: I thought that only weakened you.

Klyle: Yeah, but I’ve got a lot of enemies, so could I maybe hike with you guys?

Riley: No! I don't want to hang out with some lousy bloodsucker.

Klyle: That’s a little racist, bro.

Riley: No it isn't! You chose to be a vampire, it's like hating someone for having a Triple X tattoo. Totally reasonable!

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, he seems nice.

Riley: How did you not get murdered, Evelyn?

Klyle: Say, how about we make a deal? Next time I drain somebody, I'll give you the bodies. Fair trade, right?

Riley: [Sighs] Fine, you can come along.

Klyle: Sweet!

SOUND: The three of them walk together (though Evelyn floats).

Klyle: Wait, are you recording this?

Evelyn: Yeah, we’re doing a podcast. You wanna be our guest?

Klyle: Hell yeah, I’m up for that. So it’s like a fitness podcast?

Riley: Not usually, no.

Klyle: I fuckin’ love fitness, guys. Always getting those gains. Sometimes I even sneak out during the day to get a few extra reps in at the gym.

Evelyn: What do you do for a living, Klyle?

Klyle: I’m a personal trainer. Didn’t used to be, but it lets me spend more time at the gym where I can get those gains.

Riley: You’re pretty swole, honestly. I thought vampires tended to be kinda skinny cause of all the post-death muscle atrophy.

Klyle: Not me, baby. Getting shredded 24/7 up in here.

Evelyn: When did you get so invested in all this, Klyle?

Klyle: Well, I'd been having a pretty rough time before I got into fitness. One of my old vampire enemies from the 1600s jumped me outside the 7/11 on Monroe street. He beat me up, stole my wallet, made love to my wife, and now my kids call him dad instead of me.

Riley: Ah, the ol’ smack, sack, fuck and cuck. Brutal.

Klyle: But when gains are life, I don't need to confront any of these issues cause I'm too busy working out, so I'm a lot happier.

Evelyn: I feel like there might be healthier ways to cope with that.

Klyle: Yeah, you’re probably right, but hey, can’t argue with these pecs though!

SOUND: Klyle slurps from his drink.

Riley: What is that?

Klyle: Protein shake. Home-made recipe.

Riley: Can I have some?

Klyle: Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.

SOUND: Klyle passes over the drink. Riley slurps.

Riley: That’s pretty good. Who was this?

Klyle: It was generously donated by my gym buddy, Blathan. Dude has biceps like ham hocks, it’s pretty tight.

Evelyn: It’s weird how comfortable I am with most of my friends and acquaintances feeding on my species.

Riley: I feel like the fact I literally ate you probably desensitised you.

Evelyn: Yeah, that’s most likely it.

Klyle: Oh, so is that how you two met?

Riley: Yeah, I ate her corpse before the afterlife processed her, so now she’s haunting me.

Klyle: Classic. I only see my victims when I’m asleep.

Riley: Lucky.

Evelyn: … Oh.

SOUND: They walk around.

Riley: Wait, which direction are we going?

Evelyn: Uh, North-West, I think.

Klyle: Which way is that? I don't have a compass.

Riley: Me either.

Evelyn: Oh. We may have a problem here.

Klyle: Boy, did I bet on the wrong horse.

Riley: See, Ev, this is why change is bad and should be avoided. Now we’re between the ass-cheeks of Floridian Nowhere, and if I get hungry, I can't even eat this jerk.

Klyle: Likewise, graverobber. I should have just spent the night on the treadmill and then cried myself to sleep again.

Evelyn: Can everyone just please stop being so pessimistic? It's hard to get anything done when you have such a defeatist attitude.

Riley: What’s your alternative, huh? Using positive thinking until a magic carpet made of rainbows and puppies comes to save us?

Klyle: [Genuinely curious] Can she do that?

Riley: What?

Klyle: It’s possible! I don't know ghosts!

Riley: [Under their breath] Dumbass...

Evelyn: I suggest we do this the old-fashioned way: we can use astronomy to find our way back to civilisation.

Riley: How?

Evelyn: It's a trick I learned back in Girl Scouts - we can use our position in relation to the stars to figure out where we need to go. It's easy, look - there's Orion’s Belt, The Big Dipper, Melancholia, and Hellstar Remina. See?

Riley: Huh. I guess you're right. So what do we do now?

Evelyn: Like I said, North-West. Follow me!

SOUND: Spooky noises as Evelyn floats. Footsteps following her.

Riley: So, Klyle…

Klyle: Ya?

Riley: Since you're our de facto guest, I might as well continue the interview. You said earlier that you have a lot of enemies.

Klyle: Ha Ha Ha, that I do. There's a lot of people who'd like to see me nailed to the wall, and not in a fun way!

Riley: I mean, it'd probably be fun for them.

Evelyn: You seem like a pretty non-confrontational guy. How come so many people have it in for you?

Klyle: [Sigh] It’s a long story. You know, when they sell you the vampire lifestyle, they tell you it's all long nights, wild parties, and girls, girls, girls! But ugh, so much politics. Do you belong to this clan, or that clan, it’s so tedious. Not my thing at all. I’m unaffiliated, so nobody likes me.

Riley: A vampire and a centrist. Great. Do you run a dog-fighting ring, too?

Klyle: What? Heavens no! I'm even a member of the Tallahassee Dog-Watchers Facebook group!

Evelyn: [Gasps] That sounds amazing! How can I join?

Riley: Keep navigating, Ev. We can think about dogs later. Klyle, what kind of enemies do you have? Anyone cool or interesting?

Klyle: Well, there’s Braden the Brutal, who cornered me in a Porta-Potty in Yugoslavia and gave me a swirlie. There was Trent the Terrible, who usurped my beloved wife!

Riley: Jesus, you're just one of life’s victims, aren't you? I can see why you started working out.

Evelyn: We know how you feel, Klyle. We've been dealing with a lot of online bullying lately.

Riley: Fuck, Evelyn, will you just drop it? Trolling is inevitable and unstoppable. Anyway, Klyle, tell us more about the guys who emasculated you so hard you became a gym rat.

Klyle: [Terror creeping into his voice] Oh, the guys were all bad, but they weren't the reason I started getting yoked. That was an altogether different class of beast! Worst of all was…

SOUND: Bushes rustle as Nosferatina emerges.

Nosferatina: Scream if you're a bitch!

Klyle: [Lets out a startled, shrill scream of immortal fear]

Nosferatina: Ha!

Riley: [Equally startled] Jesus christ, is that a gremlin?!

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, look at her little hoodie! She's a baby.

Klyle: [directed at Nosferatina] What are YOU doing here?!

Nosferatina: Wifi’s out. I thought I’d take a walk, harass people in person instead of just online for once.

Evelyn: You know her, Klyle?

Klyle: Just as I was mentioning...this is the worst of them all - Nosferatina.

Riley: But she’s like...four years old.

Nosferatina: I was actually nine when I died. In vampire years, I’m older than you. Great hairstyle, by the way - did you comb it with a firecracker?

Riley: [Deadpan] I never brush my hair.

Klyle: No, no, no...it’s already starting! I’m not ready for this--

Nosferatina: You’re never ready, and that’s what makes this so fun! By the way, nice arms, they look like condoms full of cottage cheese.

Evelyn: You can’t say that - That’s so mean!

Riley: So she’s...an internet troll? Your worst vampire enemy is an internet troll?

Klyle: I’m emotionally vulnerable, Riley, I don’t need this right now!

Nosferatina: No, what you need is three hours in a tanning bed and a dust-buster [Obnoxious laugh.]

Evelyn: Why are you so cruel? Is this how you get your kicks?

Nosferatina: You think this is cruel? What’s cruel is what your torso is doing to that shirt. Tell me, when it eventually rips, how many sweatshop kids are gonna have to die to make a new one?

Evelyn: [Gasps] It was the early 2000s, all the shirts were form-fitting!

Nosferatina: You know what I think you’d look better in? 1995.

Riley: Hey, lay off Evelyn, she’s literally never said a mean thing to anyone.

Nosferatina: Hey, hey, hey, back up, ya paedo. Also, what the fuck is wrong with your breath? It smells like you squeeze your toothpaste out of a colostomy bag.

Klyle: See? She’s the worst! This little monster is why my self-esteem is so low.

Riley: But you’re huge! And jacked! How can you let some mean little British kid in a snap-back get to you?

Klyle: The muscles, they do nothing! Vampires are like wine - age matters more than biceps, and she’s seven hundred years older than me!

Nosferatina: And my dick is bigger than yours, too.

Evelyn: It feels wrong to hear a nine-year-old talk about stuff like that.

Nosferatina: It feels wrong to hear you talk at all, cause, like, uh... You’re a dumb bitch!

Evelyn: That wasn’t even clever!

Nosferatina: No, but it’s true!

Riley: [Sighs] Let’s just keep walking. If she got turned as a shitty nine-year-old, her mental development probably got stunted then, too. If we ignore her, she’ll just get bored and leave us alone.

SOUND: They begin to walk.

Klyle: Riley, that won’t work.

Riley: Well, neither will standing still and doing nothing, let’s keep moving.

Evelyn: Klyle, what did you say her name was again?

Klyle: Nosferatina. Scourge of the message-boards.

Evelyn: Hey, I recognise that screen-name! She called me a fat bitch on twitter, and called Riley a bug-eyed, ugly spider-monkey.

Nosferatina: [Laughs] Classic.

Riley: But that’s painfully uncreative! It's such low-hanging fruit.

Klyle: It’s not meant to be creative! It's simple, and cuts straight to your deepest insecurity!

Evelyn: Well joke’s on her, I'm comfortable with my body!

Nosferatina: Annoying voice!

Evelyn: Oh no!

Riley: If we wait until sunlight, maybe I can eat her.

Nosferatina: Just like how you eat your words when your theories always turn out to be wrong?

Riley: Fuck you, my theories are great!

Klyle: She's unstoppable!

Nosferatina: [Cackles] Oh, this is fun! I should go outside more often. So you're the Less Is Morgue duo, right? God, your podcast is pure cringe. You just talk about nothing, and you can't even edit the music in right!

Riley: Editing audio is hard! People who do this for a living deserve more credit and respect!

Nosferatina: [Makes a fart noise]

Riley: Really? That's the level we’re sinking to now? Fart noises? Well, we’ll just--

Nosferatina: [Makes another fart noise]

Riley: Classy. We’ll--

Nosferatina: [Another fart noise]

Klyle: Riley, please, just give up. She's too powerful.

Riley: [Frustrated] This is--

Nosferatina: [A final, particularly long fart noise]

---

Evelyn: Just stop! Please!

Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] Just stop! Please!

Evelyn: I’m asking you nicely!

Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] I’m asking you nicely!

Evelyn: Stop copying me!

Nosferatina: [Mockingly Imitating] Stop copying me!

Klyle: [Weeping] It will never end!

Nosferatina: Oh, it’ll end, it’ll end when you're gone. It’ll end when I've driven you all so far off the edge that you rage-quit existence, then I'm gonna find some new Lolcows to milk until they're nothing but beef.

Riley: Fuck. That got dark real quick.

Klyle: She’s pure evil, I've been dealing with her for three hundred years! But she has little legs, she could only go so far, until the Internet was invented. It allowed her to bully everyone with an internet connection simultaneously - her cruelty went global! Ha Ha Ha! The laugh hides my inner pain!

Riley: We just need to ignore her! If you ignore her, she’ll go away, that's how trolls work.

Evelyn: I really don't think it is, Riley. Platforms needs to--

Riley: THAT’S HOW TROLLS WORK!

Klyle: But she's not just any troll, Riley. She's the ultimate troll! She never sleeps, she can smell weakness, and she's got an unlimited capacity for sadism.

Nosferatina: I should get that on a business card. Oh also, Klyle, your bald head makes you look like a dildo for necrophiliacs.

SOUND: Klyle shrieks in emotional pain.

Evelyn: I’m getting really sick of this.

Nosferatina: I'm getting really sick of your muffin top, tubby.

Klyle: Leave them alone! Your beef is with me!

Nosferatina: How about instead we count how many wives you've got? [Mocking his Transylvanian accent, Count Von Count style] Zero! Ha Ha Ha!

Evelyn: You're just a jerk!

Nosferatina: [Laughs] Is that all you've got? Really?

Evelyn: You’re clearly someone who can't relate to other people, and your only way or forming a connection is being mean.

Riley: [Sniffing] Hey, did somebody shit their pants?

Klyle: No, only on the inside.

Evelyn: You've got a really sad, mean, petty existence, and I know that doing this is probably the only way you can feel like you're having an impact on others.

Riley: Seriously though, can anybody smell shit?

Evelyn: Honestly, I feel sorry for you. Being a person like you must be exhausting, cause you've never got anyone you can be vulnerable around. You're just a nasty little...turd! And nobody likes you!

SOUND: Klyle gasps.

Nosferatina: You know what? Fuck all of you, I don't need this. I'm leaving.

Evelyn: Yay! We won!

Nosferatina: But first, I'm gonna kill all of you.

Evelyn: Less yay!

Riley: God damn it, whoever said exercise is good for you is a fucking idiot.

Klyle: Hey, don't diss exercise, she's my only solace in a cruel world.

Nosferatina: Prepare to fucking die, cringelords!

Riley: Great. We’re gonna die in the woods, stinking of shit!

SOUND: A thunderous BOOM! The ambient buzz of flies. The Skunk Ape appears.

Skunk Ape: There will be no violence in my forest!

Riley: Oh my god, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Klyle: That smell, my god, it’s fucking diabolical.

Nosferatina: Who the fuck are you?

Evelyn: Wait, you must be…

Skunk Ape: I am the Skunk Ape! Steward of the Apalachicola National Forest! Guardian of the peace, tranquility, and sanctity of the woods!

Nosferatina: Oh yeah? Well, you smell like--

Skunk Ape: Be gone!

SOUND: Another BOOM! Nosferatina is gone.

Riley: Holy shit, did you kill her?

Skunk Ape: No. Like I told you, I permit no violence in these woods. I sent her elsewhere, so she could do no harm.

Riley: Weak. You should've just killed her.

Klyle: Don't look a gift-Sasquatch in the mouth, Riley. She's gone. We’re saved!

Evelyn: I bring back my earlier “Yay!”

Riley: So are you why the murder rate is so low here compared to the rest of Florida?

Skunk Ape: Of course. I'm a sixth-dimensional being--

Riley: Called it!

Skunk Ape: So I can sense when murders are about to happen in my forests. When I do, I’ll transport those involved to another place, so the murder can happen there instead.

Evelyn: Wow, Riley, guess it just goes to show that when you properly moderate--

Riley: Stop it. Stop. Just...stop.

Klyle: What’s with the smell, dude? If it's okay to ask.

Skunk Ape: There are no showers in this forest. Nor is there soap.

Klyle: Eh, fair enough.

Riley: Quick question: Are there more of you? Cause if Riggleman was right about the sixth-dimensional stuff in his book… Skunk Ape: Riggleman? Denver Riggleman? That weird politician who's obsessed with us?

Evelyn: The man who wrote the Bigfoot sex book has political power!?

Skunk Ape: He's also got a restraining order from me. Dude has boundary issues.

Riley: [Disappointed] So I guess that blows my chance to find the answers. Fuck.

Skunk Ape: Now, my work here is done. Time to go.

Evelyn: Wait!

Skunk Ape: What?

Evelyn: Could you maybe help us find the way out? We’re a little lost.

Skunk Ape: Yeah, sure, just follow me.

SOUND: They begin to walk.

Riley: [Panting] Couldn't you just teleport us?

Skunk Ape: From the way you're breathing, it sounds like you need the cardio.

Riley: Oh, fuck you.

SOUND: Evelyn laughs.

[RECORDING CUTS OFF - EPISODE ENDS]