After being attacked by a vampire at Pizza Pizzazz-O, Riley decides to teach a lesson about forgiveness by bringing the vampire back to the basement to escape the sun. But forgiveness doesn’t come quite as easily as they thought. Thankfully, the ghost of a dead KGB Agent is here to help.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners. I wanna tell you something. I’m gonna impart some life advice. Because I know we have some fellow shapeshifters in the audience, and I don't want any of you to potentially repeat my mistakes.

Evelyn: I thought you said we were gonna save this for after the intro.

Riley: No, Evelyn, this is important. This is the cold open. I’ve decided.

Evelyn: Alright, fine. I was gonna talk about how I started watching Love Volcano but I guess this works too.

Riley: Shh. Anyway. So, I'm sure all of you are aware of the existence of Pizza Pizzaz-O - an eatery we’ve alluded to multiple times in this maelstrom of a series. It's a terrible chain of children's pizza restaurants and indoor playgrounds, and there's one of them a block away from my house. I should clarify, the pizza is very bad but the games are legit. But, they have a rule that says only kids are allowed to play the games.

Evelyn: I don't think that's a rule, I think you just got kicked out a bunch of times and they won't let you back in anymore.

Riley: The point is, I was very bored and I decided I wanted to win a pogo stick for myself. So, I had to disguise myself as a child to play the games. Listeners... Do not ever do this. Why? Because if you turn yourself into a child, you've made yourself open and vulnerable to attacks.

Camille: [Yelling from the other side of the room] Fuck you.

Riley: [Loudly] Which brings me to the point of this story - We have a special, very un-planned guest in the basement today. Someone who is also the kind of trash adult who tries to beat children at whack a mole, but who, unlike me, is willing to defend their high score with physical violence.

Evelyn: You can't see it but Riley’s gesturing to a big bite on their neck. It's not bleeding anymore, so don't be too worried.

Riley: Special guest, would you like to come over here and introduce yourself?

Camille: You know I have a migraine and it's your fault. No.

Riley: Come on - sadly, it won’t kill you.

Evelyn: Our guest this week is a vampire.

SOUND: Heavy platform boots stomping from one side of the room to the other. Camille groans continuously as she crosses the room.

Camille: I'm Camille Domino and the whole internet can suck my dick.

Riley: Camille is here because she bit me when I beat her at skee-ball - I really, really, really wanted the free kill, no points for guessing who. I'm letting our guest here sleep off her sickness because we're almost at peak sunlight hours, and today's theme is “forgiveness.”

Camille: Bold of you to try and forgive me for something that's your fault.

Riley: [Through gritted teeth] That's right, forgiveness. Sit back down.

Camille: I don't even want to be on your podcast, actually. I'm taking my shoes off and I’m going to bed.

SOUND: An absurd number of shoe buckles and zippers being undone, followed by Camille’s heavy boots being thrown down. Soft creaking of bedsprings.

Riley: Could you go back to the couch and not sleep in my -

SOUND: Camille hissing.

Riley: Alright, alright. Sleep where you want.

Evelyn: So, who was that guy you wanted to tell me about?

Riley: Right, I'm getting to that. Listeners, we all know about noted YouTuber Top Five Nastiest Slimes and Here's Why. Formerly known as Everything Wrong With Slimes, formerly known as Johnny Johnny Elsa Finger Family Spiderman Slime.

Evelyn: I've never heard of this person. Why does he have so many aliases?

Riley: He legally changes his name every time the youtube search algorithm changes. Anyway, his videos are just...absolute dogshit. I'll show you a clip.

SOUND: Riley opening a new tab on their laptop.

Top 5: What is up guys, I'm here with my boys Glorb and Smeeve and today we're gonna prank our friend Yort by putting him in our highly realistic box fort jail!

SOUND: Prison cell door being opened and closed; Yort being shanked.

Yort: Haha, guys, very funny...I've been shanked. I'm losing a lot of fluids.

SOUND: Air horns.

Riley: Evelyn, I don't know if you've noticed this since you've been here, but YouTube is bonkers now. It's all people like this.

Evelyn: I miss the Dancing Baby. That made sense....sort of.

Riley: So anyway, the reason I bring up this absolute fucking idiot is he's had another huge public fuckup that he now has to apologise for.

Evelyn: The shanking?

Riley: No, no, that guy's fine. They're all slime monsters so it's okay.

Evelyn: That's good?

Riley: He made a gofundme to raise money to save this movie theatre in his hometown, and he raised about a million bucks, but the money never got to the theatre.

Evelyn: You mean he spent it all?

Riley: Yep. He wasn't even subtle about it. In the next video he posted on his Blob Vlog, he had like 12 pairs of Yeezys suspended in his cytoplasm.

Evelyn: This guy sounds like a real jerk.

Riley: Yep, and this is just weeks after he was recorded in a Starbucks saying that he could've stopped 9/11 if he'd been there with his gun.

Evelyn: What?

Riley: Yeah.

Evelyn: How would he even...how ….he doesn't have hands!

Riley: Yet somehow he owns a gun! And if that isn't everything that's wrong with America, I don't know what is!

Evelyn: Why do you bring all this up?

Riley: Because I've got a question for you, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Go on.

Riley: Should we, the public, the audience...forgive him?

Evelyn: I don't think that's a hard question.

Riley: Well, we'll see what you think after I show you his apology video.

Evelyn: Oh, at least he apologised.

Riley: Just watch.

Top 5: What is up guys, I'm Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here's Why and uh...I returned all the ….I returned half of the yeezys. What I did was totally bogus, and I realise that. I've done the best I can to fix the situation...thank you so much to all the fans in the blob nation who have been supporting me during this hard time.

Evelyn: Huh.

Riley: What's your verdict?

SOUND: Bedsprings creaking.

Camille: Do you want to know something about forgiveness?

Riley: You're sick, go to bed.

Camille: I'm an adult, you don't own me.

SOUND: Soft footsteps.

Evelyn: You're …[Giggles] really short without those shoes on.

Camille: At least I have feet.

Evelyn: I can't help it, I'm a ghost!

Camille: [mocking] I can't help it, I'm a ghost!

SOUND: Camille slams her hands on the desk.

Camille: Children, listen.

Riley: What happened to that migraine?

Camille: I'm here and if I have to listen to you, you have to listen to me.

SOUND: Camille burps sickly and whines.

Camille: My mouth tastes like ass. I think ghouls should be extinct.

Riley: I'm right here.

Camille: I wouldn't have said it if you weren't! [Whining] Nothing can eat you, it's not faiiiiiir.

SOUND: She makes more upset noises.

Camille: What are we talking about, forgiveness?

Riley: Yeah, it's a noun.

Camille: You were watching that Top 10 Slimes that Will Ruin Your Childhood Forever, right?

Evelyn: It's actually Top 5-

Camille: [Defensive] Shut up I said it wrong on purpose! Anyway, I think if you give money to YouTubers, you're a rube.

Riley: Most of his audience are children.

Camille: Yeah, kids are fucking rubes. And they spend money on stupid shit anyway, like what do 8 year olds even buy? Fucking....Fortnite skins? Pogs? Pokey-men? I don't know what kids do.

Evelyn: But you hang out at Pizza Pizzaz-o.

Camille: I go there to win, not to make friends.

Riley: Do you have a point or are you just having some kind of fever-induced episode?

Camille: BOTH. Kanye deserved the money from selling those 12 pairs of Yeezys. He's a good businessman.

Riley: He sells plain t-shirts for hundreds of dollars.

Camille: And idiots buy them! He's this century's Barnum. Listen - Capitalism is a broken system, and the only way to get anywhere in this world is to scalp all the chumps you can get your greasy little paws on. Do not forgive Top 15 Slimes that will Blow Your Tits Clean Off, for he has done nothing wrong.

Riley: It's Top-

Camille: No, that was on purpose too, I'm doing a bit.

[Beat.]

Camille: I know what his name is.

[Beat.]

Camille: Don't ask me! I know it. Anyway, let me tell you about forgiveness. Nobody deserves it. I used to be the forgiving type, but then I realized revenge was so much more satisfying. Revenge is immediate, and effective.

Riley: So that's why you bit me.

Camille: Absolutely, and you would've gotten much worse if it weren't for your disgusting horrible blood.

SOUND: Camille burps again and whines, louder and more obnoxiously.

Evelyn: Do you want anything? Can I get you anything? Pepto bismol? Flat ginger ale?

Camille: Later. I'm gonna tell you a story about effective score-settling.

Riley: You know someone once told me whoever embarks on a journey of revenge should dig two graves.

SOUND: Camille laughs.

Camille: I’ve had to dig way more than two graves in my time. Listen - here's my story. Moscow, 1961. Dimitri and I were at the train station with a suitcase full of stolen uranium--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Reece: Hi, I'm Reece Geese.

John: And I'm Jonathan J. Bonathan. We're a couple of guys who love talking about crimes.

Reece: That's why we started Beers and Bullets, a True Crime podcast with a difference.

John: We skip the mainstream stuff to give you True Crime fans only the freshest and most cutting edge True Crime stories. Every week, we present the major clues and theories behind crimes that haven't even been committed yet. Like the string of serial arson attacks that we're going to commit, or that guy that Reece was planning on poisoning for insurance money.

Reece: That's right, you might say we're less a traditional True Crime podcast and more of a Do Crimes podcast, because John and I? We do crimes.

SOUND: They both laugh.

SOUND: Furious banging in the background.

Police Officer: This is the police, come out with your hands up!

SOUND: John loads a gun and starts shooting at the police.

Reece: [yelling over the gunfire] And if you subscribe to our Patreon, every week you'll get exclusive access to cool stuff like early drafts of our ransom notes, the weapons we used, the license plates from our various stolen getaway cars, and at the 50 dollar tier, you can even get the fingers of someone we murdered.

SOUND: The door busts down and the gunfire gets louder.

John: I'M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL!

Reece: Subscribe to Beer and Bullets on Apple podcasts, spotify, google-

SOUND: One extremely loud gunshot and the audio cuts out completely and is replaced by a signal interruption beep.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Camille: --And then I just washed myself off and left. Funny thing actually, Dimitri survived for six more years. No doctor could ever figure out how!

SOUND: She laughs like she's just told a really funny story.

[There's a long silence.]

Riley: I've eaten week-old roadkill out of the treads in my cousin's car tires before, and what you just said is still the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced.

Evelyn: That was like dying ...again.

Camille: Your generation is so sensitive.

Riley: Your generation had radioactive health spas and Stalin.

Camille: Okay, fair point, I guess.

Riley: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Camille: Dimitri got what was coming to him! He started it!

Evelyn: He really didn't!

Camille: It's not even the worst thing I've done to someone. When I found out my human thrall was doing errands for a vampire from another clan I-

Riley: Stop this!

SOUND: Riley sighs heavily.

Riley: Evelyn, you got any stories about forgiveness?

Evelyn: Oh yeah! I think I have a couple. One time in high school, my friend went behind my back and told my crush that I like-liked her, because he wanted to set us up on a date, and it was really awkward because it turned out she was straight. It really hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for a week.

Camille: He sounds like a shitty friend.

Evelyn: But the thing is, he wasn't. Harris was my best friend, right up until I died. He was just kind of an idiot when we were kids.

Camille: Doesn't matter, loose lips [struggling against the lisp]...loose lips sink, uh...Fuck him. You should've dropped him. And hell, you should've done something to get back at the girl, too.

Evelyn: Wh- she couldn't help not being gay, Camille. That's not her fault.

Camille: She could've at least tried.

Evelyn: Well, anyway...I forgave Harris, because he apologised for what he did, and he didn't just apologise, but he also went out of his way to make it up to me.

Riley: What did he do?

Evelyn: He went with me to prom as a friend date, so I wouldn't be alone. And then we got some milkshakes and went bowling and it was a really fun time.

Camille: [sarcastic] Riveting.

Evelyn: Sorry, it's not as exciting as Cold War industrial espionage and vampire gang warfare, but that's my story.

Camille: You died because you're weak.

Riley: Hey! You're our guest here, okay? You have no right to come on this podcast and dunk on Evelyn just because you're afraid of having feelings.

Camille: You have no right to poison me! Listen, I'm the only one in this room willing to tell the truth - Forgiveness? Stupid. Conflict resolution? Stupid. The only correct way to deal with people giving you shit is to destroy them.

SOUND: Flames, demonic wailing, cracking earth. Dimitri manifesting as a ghost.

Dimitri: I would not be so sure about that, Comrade.

Riley: So this shit again, huh.

Evelyn: Looks like it.

Riley: Judging by the fact that your torso looks like a butcher's dumpster, you must be Dimitri.

Evelyn: Hi, Dimitri. You obviously already know Camille - I'm Evelyn, and this is my friend Riley.

SOUND: Camille groans.

Dimitri: Oh, so that's the only reaction I get out of you? You're just going to sit there and roll your eyes at me?

Camille: Get over yourself, you're far from the first person who's tried to haunt me. [to Riley and Evelyn] He shows up whenever I tell that story, he's just doing it for attention. [to Dimitri, slowly and loudly] Give it a rest, I already spent the money, there's nothing I can do for you anymore.

Dimitri: All of it? Already?

Camille: It's been 50 years, keep up.

Dimitri: What did you spend it on?

Camille: I dunno, God, lots of stuff. Spa treatments, cat jungle gym, pair of Yeezys....

Riley: Yeezys aren't even that good shoes.

Camille: You shut your whore mouth.

Dimitri: Enough about these Yeezys. I need to - hold on, hold on, is that a microphone?

Evelyn: Yep. This is our podcast. How do you spell your name, by the way? We'll credit you.

Dimitri: No, turn it off. The state might be listening and this is sensitive conversation between me and Camille.

Riley: Yeah, you don't have to worry about The State - they dissolved a couple decades after you died. The only people spying on us right now are Google and my mom.

SOUND: The basement door closes, followed by hurried footsteps and the sound of a vacuum being turned on.

Camille: Just tell me what you're here for, I'm sick and my time is limited.

Dimitri: Camille Domino, I have been thinking about all the horrible shit you did to me, and I've come to the decision that I'm going to forgive you.

[Beat.]

Dimitri: Before you say anything - it is not for your sake! I do not give a shit about you, you are beyond help. I am forgiving you for myself. I did a lot of really horrible things when I used to work for the KGB, things which have condemned me to an eternity of pain, and since I spend every hour of every day being fried in McDonald's fry oil and eaten by pigs, I figured - I do not need to also torture myself by thinking about what I could have done differently.

Camille: You know what? I respect that.

[Beat.]

Camille: Do you need anything else?

SOUND: Dimitri clears his throat.

Camille: What? Quit looking at me like that.

Riley: Camille.

Camille: What?

Evelyn: Don't you think you should, you know...?

[There's a pause, then Camille slowly realises what they expect her to do.]

Camille: Fffffine. Alright, Dimitri, [she sounds like she might puke saying this] I...forgive you for selling me out to the Kremlin.

[Beat.]

Dimitri: Are you sure there is nothing else you want to say to me?

Camille: Absolutely not, your death was badass and I regret nothing.

SOUND: Dimitri sighs.

Dimitri: Well, I know you well enough to know that is probably the best I am ever going to get.

Camille: You're correct. Dosvedanya, Dimochka.

SOUND: The portal to hell opens back up again and Dimitri descends.

Evelyn: They're flipping each other off right now, for the people at home.

SOUND: The portal closes up. Camille exhales and stands up.

Camille: What's the time?

Riley: We're probably gonna start wrapping up.

Camille: Cool, cool. I'm going back to bed. Could one of you be a doll and get me a damp washcloth and a glass of flat ginger ale?

Riley: You're not still sick.

Camille: Yes I am. I need to rest.

Riley: Well, then maybe you should just put on some sunscreen and go home.

Camille: [with scary reverb] Ginger ale. Now.

SOUND: Hypnotism noises.

Riley: [hypnotised monotone] I think we only have sprite, is that ok?

Camille: Sure, whatever.

SOUND: Riley pushing their chair back and walking up the stairs.

Evelyn: So do you have any social media you want to plug?

Camille: My cat has an instagram account.

[THE END]

Sensing their co-host is lonely, Riley kills an iPhone so Evelyn can use it to download Todd’s new app- Tinder But For Ghosts.

+Transcript

Riley: Listeners, we’re alone again in the studio this week. No sky boobs, no super gators, no deranged sea captains…I’m feeling good about this one.

Evelyn: Yay optimism!

Riley: Furthermore, my parents are gone, I’ve already put in my takeout order, the AC is fully functional, and I’ve got a nice cold glass of vinegar right here...let’s do this thing, folks.

Evelyn: I was hoping that was water...or at least vodka. Why’d you have to ruin the illusion for me?

Riley: Oh, what, like drinking vinegar is weird?

Evelyn: It is. It’s very weird. Less so than mayo or school glue, but still pretty weird.

Riley: I’m an adult, I can drink what I want.

SOUND: Riley slurping vinegar.

Riley: Anyway, I think you’re gonna like this episode.

Evelyn: Yeah, you haven’t told me anything about what we’re doing this week, and frankly, I’m kind of worried. I mean, I’m staying cautiously optimistic? But I’m worried.

Riley: Take a ghostly chill pill. It’ll all make sense in time. For now we’ll go ahead and do the int-

[ INTRO MUSIC ]

Riley: -ro.

Evelyn: Hey guys, if you’re listening to this, you’re probably no less confused about the topic of this episode than I am.

Riley: Today, while on a wikipedia link safari, I found out that ancient Sumerians used my ancestors’ blood to make fabric dye. Welcome to the show. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Evelyn.

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Did you know there’s a new app now called Tinder But For Ghosts?

Evelyn: Very creative name.

Riley: Par for the course, since this app is from the Todd family of products.

Evelyn: Todd’s still at it? Ugh. You'd think he'd be more focused on settling the Gargoyle Strike.

Riley: The world loves to give a million chances to people who don't deserve it, Ev. Anyway, Tinder But For Ghosts-

Evelyn: Hold the phone ...remind me what Tinder is again.

Riley: Evelyn, we took that whole day where I just showed you all the apps in the app store, don’t you remember?

Evelyn: No, there are so many apps!

Riley: Alright- Tinder is basically a hookup app. It shows you how many other tinder users are nearby and interested in talking to you. If you’re interested in them, you swipe right to start chatting, if you’re not, you swipe left.

Evelyn: Okay- a little confusing, but if it works, okay.

Riley: I got to thinking - and this has been on my mind for several weeks, ever since we had your ex on here-

Evelyn: Riley ...I was just starting to get over that whole thing. I really was.

Riley: Sorry, but I had to open that wound up again in order to properly heal it.

Evelyn: I don’t think that’s how wounds work.

Riley: Irrelevant. There’s a ghost dating app now, is where I’m going with this.

Evelyn: I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t understand how I’m gonna be able to use it when-

Riley: -You can’t physically hold a phone to use it? Funny you should ask.

SOUND: Riley puts an iPhone on the table.

Riley: iPhone….

SOUND: Riley picks up a sledgehammer.

Riley: Meet sledgehammer.

SOUND: Riley throws the phone on the ground then smashes it to pieces with the hammer.

Evelyn: Oh my god.

SOUND: Riley grunts animalistically while they continue to smash.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, I think I see the point-

Riley: [Out of breath] Ghost phone.

SOUND: Phone starting up noise, but spooky.

Evelyn: Oh nice!

SOUND: Evelyn taps on the phone screen.

Riley: [Snickering] Evelyn...you use your phone like my mom.

Evelyn: Cut me some slack, last time I occupied physical space I had a nokia! And we both know your mom doesn't use a phone, she just makes her voice appear in people’s heads.

SOUND: Evelyn taps, then takes a selfie.

Evelyn: I took a selfie! This is exciting ...What should I put on my profile? Okay...um...Name: Evelyn Hooper, Year of Death: 2004, Age...do I put my real age or what age I’d be if I was alive right now?

Riley: First one.

Evelyn: 23...Interested in ...female ghosts. Likes...dogs, early 2000’s alternative rock, Disney, watching Associates, and making a podcast with my best ghoulfriend Riley.

Riley: I appreciate the shoutout but I don’t want the ghosts to know who I am.

Evelyn: - and making podcasts with my best friend who has requested to remain anonymous. Do you think that’s a good picture of me?

Riley: I think that’s the best you’ll probably get. Let me take one.

SOUND: The phone camera clicks.

Evelyn: Cute! Alright, now what do I do?

Riley: I mean, I’ve never used Tinder, but I guess you just wait.

SOUND: Knocking at the door.

Riley: That’ll be my ghostmates order. I got ribs and cheesy fries again from that Texas barbecue place.

Evelyn: You’ve had food from them 4 times this week. Aren’t you sick of it?

Riley: No. And until another restaurant opens up that hasn’t heard about what I’ve done, I can’t afford to be.

Evelyn: I can’t see how you can still eat their food after finding out they were such jerks to Tarrare’s ghost.

Riley: Evelyn. What am I supposed to do, cook? Every day? Like some kind of asshole?

SOUND: Knocking again, louder. Riley runs upstairs.

Riley: Sorry to keep you waiting, Bubba.

Bubba: [Unintelligible]

Riley: Is that a new skin-mask? Looks good.

Bubba: [Unintelligible]

Riley: Thanks.

SOUND: Door closing. Riley goes down to the basement. They sit down and start eating their ribs.

Riley: [With mouth full] So, anyone looking to hop on those ghost titties yet?

Evelyn: Nobody who seems nice. A lot of guys, actually, which is weird, because I told it not to.

Riley: Well, I mean...Todd made this app, so bugs are to be expected. He's probably also currently selling your data to Russia.

SOUND: The sound of a new match showing up on the app.

Evelyn: Oh, she’s cute! ‘Marigold, 26- I died in a boating accident but I still love the water. Let’s go haunt a section of beach together.’

Riley: Go for it!

SOUND: Evelyn swipes.

Evelyn: Ah, heck.

SOUND: She swipes again and it makes an error noise.

Evelyn: I got rid of her by accident. Oh no, I accidentally swiped on one of the dudes!

Riley: It’s fine, just disconnect the chat.

Evelyn: There is no chat, I don’t know what’s happening.

SOUND: Tyler manifests in the room.

Tyler: Hey, what’s up, babes? You must be Evelyn. Nice rack.

Riley: Excellent work, Todd, just really amazing...highly functional app you’ve made here.

Evelyn: Hey, uh ...thanks. Look, I’m really sorry, but I swiped you by mistake.

Tyler: Aw, man, really? Are you sure? Was it because of my picture? Maybe I can win you over with my personality.

Evelyn: No, your picture looks really great-

Tyler: Thanks!

Evelyn: You’re welcome! But what I was gonna say was- I’m a lesbian.

Tyler: [No clue] Uh-huh.

Evelyn: I was trying to swipe for a lady ghost and I swiped you by accident because I died before phones were like this.

Tyler: Totally understandable.

[Beat]

Riley: She wants you to get lost, Einstein.

Tyler: What? Why?

Evelyn: I like girls.

Tyler: Me too! We’ve got so much in common!

SOUND: Riley smacks their forehead and groans.

Evelyn: Well, even if I don’t really wanna hook up with you, maybe we can just hang out. It’s nice to have someone new to talk to.

Tyler: I mean, I totally wanna hook up with you, but that sounds like a pretty sweet idea too.

Evelyn: So...uh… [she looks at her phone] Tyler… [she instantly becomes really enthusiastic] Oh my gosh, your favourite band is Matchbox 20?

Riley: Oh no. Oh no.

Tyler: Yeah, man, I love them! By the way, I almost didn’t notice because of your sweet rack, but that is an awesome Nickelback shirt. Did you get that when they were on tour?

Evelyn: Maybe scale back the boob compliments a little, but ...yeah! I died when they were playing the FSU campus back in 2004!

Tyler: Dude, that's righteous!

Evelyn: I know, right? I tried to get tickets whenever they played in Florida.

Tyler: Hard same, bro!

Riley: Did Azfar just take me to hell in episode one, and that's what I've been experiencing since?

Evelyn: Before I died I saw them in Jacksonville. It was so rad.

Tyler: No way! You’re from Jacksonville?

Evelyn: No, I’m from St. Marks, but that’s where I went to go see them!

Tyler: I’m from Jacksonville! I went to college there! I got alcohol poisoning at a frat party after doing an insane keg stand, that’s how I died!

Evelyn: When did you die?

Tyler: Last year.

Evelyn: So, how's death been for you so far? How far did you get through the paperwork before they tossed you back down to Earth?

Tyler: Aw man, there's paperwork? I hate reading.

Evelyn: So you've just been on Earth the whole time?

Tyler: Yeah, dude. I spend most of my time haunting changing rooms.

Riley: Gross.

Evelyn: How come you never went up?

Tyler: See, you know how like- ghosts are supposed to have like...unfinished business?

Riley: We are aware of this, yes.

Tyler: I think mine is like- see, there was still beer in the last keg when I stopped and puked everywhere and died.

Riley: How many kegs were involved in this keg stand?

Tyler: Four. Almost had the world record!

SOUND: Tyler does the fuckboy laugh.

Riley: I hope your other matches aren't as dumb as this guy.

Evelyn: You know, three and a half is still a pretty big achievement.

Riley: Yeah, someone should get this joker a Darwin award.

Tyler: Aw, thanks, babes- it really means a lot that you think that. I just wish my boys agreed with you. I feel like I let them down, you know?

Evelyn: Well, what matters is you're proud of yourself.

Tyler: You know what? Yeah, yeah, that is all that matters. Huh- I feel so weirdly light, after admitting that-

Riley: I think you just put his soul to rest.

Tyler: Aw, what? Now I gotta do paperwork? This blows!

SOUND: Tyler ascends.

Tyler: Oh I dunno if I mentioned it before, but [his voice fading] nice raaaack!

[Beat.]

Riley: Well- that was one way to get rid of him, I guess.

Evelyn: I hope he ends up in a good afterlife. He was kinda fun.

Riley: Dude was a total himbo, and that's being generous.

Evelyn: Guess the search goes on...Wait, what's that?

Riley: Ugh. An ad. Of course.

Evelyn: I wouldn't expect anything less from a Todd product.

Riley: I hate when these greedy assholes shove ads right in the middle of your--

[Weird Ad Time]

SOUND: Cheerful elevator music.

Glenn: Does your life suck? Am I hearing a yes? Probably! Chances are, your life sucks because there are people giving you a hard time, unfairly or otherwise. You know these kinds of people - your boss, your landlord, your family. The kind of people who give you a hate boner the size of lady liberty. Do you want these people dead, but find you're too weak, stupid, or ugly to get the job done?

Hi, I'm Glenn Rhodes. Assassin, lover, answer to all your worldly problems. And I don't have a receding hairline, so don't mention it. When it comes to making people dead, that's, uh, that's something I can do. And I think, personally, you should be paying someone like me to do it. Or rather, me, specifically. Cause I'm the best there is. You want them shot in the head? I can do that. Stabbed? I can do that, too. Strangling? Fuhgeddaboutit! For the right price, I'll do damn near anything, except open-mouth kissing. So if you want people dead and want someone to do the deadifying for you, call now, while I'm still awake.

Glenn Rhodes: You've had the rest, now have the Glennst. Fuck. Stop the recording. Yeah, just stop it. [Sigh] What a fucking shitshow.

SOUND: Cheerful elevator music continues as Glenn mutters quietly.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: The app boops.

Evelyn: Oh, I got another match!

Riley: Oh, she's hot.

Evelyn: 'Rachel, 21, I'm a real go-getter.'

Riley: Well, what are you waiting for? Go get her!

Evelyn: Encouragement!

SOUND: Evelyn swipes. Rachel manifests in the basement.

Evelyn: Hi, Rachel, I'm-

Rachel: Evelyn, yeah, I know.

Evelyn: That's a very firm handshake you've got there. So, uh- tell me a little about yourself, Rachel.

Rachel: Well, like my profile says, I'm a real go-getter. I worked at a law firm when I was alive, and I was on my way to becoming a partner.

Evelyn: That's so cool! You were like Aly McBeal!

Rachel: ...What's that?

Evelyn: It's a TV show.

Rachel: Must be after my time. I died in the 80's.

Evelyn: Oh, cool. How'd it happen, if you don't mind me asking?

Rachel: Well, I decided to let loose at an office party, and I got a little too loose. I tried to photocopy my ass but I broke the glass and got electrocuted. And I'd finally gotten a reservation at Dorsia, too. It's a little embarrassing, I know.

Evelyn: Well, if it's any consolation, you have a great butt. It doesn't look like it's been electrocuted at all. And that pantsuit looks super cute on you.

Rachel: Thank you! I did aerobics. So anyway, I have a lot I have to do this afternoon, so if you want to do anything romantic, let's just get it over with now and I'll call you again later, okay?

Riley: Why are you in such a hurry? You're dead. Time literally isn't a factor for you.

Rachel: But I wanna get a head start on the work I do in my next life, you know, in case I get reincarnated as a different lawyer.

Evelyn: That seems like it's a little counter-intuitive. I mean, you're dead. You should be using this time to rest. You don't want to be burnt out as soon as you start your next life, do you?

Rachel: Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way. [her voice starts to fade] Well, in that case, we'll take it slow- you and I can just go for a walk in the park and-

SOUND: Rachel crosses over.

Evelyn: Gosh dang it! I did it again!

Riley: And you two would've made a really cute couple, too....Want me to go find out where she's buried and eat her bones so she's stuck here?

Evelyn: No!

SOUND: Evelyn sighs. The app boops again.

Evelyn: Well, third time's the charm! Her name is Letitia – she's 27, and she loves Jazz and bootlegging.

Riley: She must've died in the 1920's. That could be an interesting hookup. You two could dance the Charleston together.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I don't have feet anymore. Anyway, let's give it the old college try.

SOUND: Evelyn swipes. Letitia manifests.

Evelyn: Hi, Letitia!

Letitia: Nice to meetcha, Evelyn. You can call me Letty, all my friends do. I'm just glad I got here, it's taken me a while to figure out this whole cellular telephone business. I keep getting served fellas when I specifically told it I was only interested in dames.

Evelyn: Oh gosh, I had the same problem. Well, I'm glad you're here now, and uh....what's that dripping sound?

Letitia: Uh...Nothing. Maybe you've got bad pipes.

Riley: No, that's coming from you. And now that I look at you...you're really damp. Like, all over.

Evelyn: Did you die in a boating accident?

Letitia: Uhhh yeah, let's go with that. I uh- accidentally fell out a boat into the Atlantic Ocean, no thanks to that rat Jimmy Morricone.

Riley: Letty...

Letitia: [turning to Riley] Hello!

Riley: Were you some kind of gangster's moll?

[Beat.]

Riley: The cops can't get you when you're a ghost, you can tell us. We've literally had so many criminals on this show.

Letitia: [scoff] I was not a gangster's moll- I was my own thing, thank you very much. Left-hand Letty, they used to call me- because I'm ambidextrous, but I always wore the knuckle-dusters on my left hand.

Evelyn: Cool!

Riley: You ever killed anyone?

Letitia: None of your business.

Riley: Fair enough, that answers that.

Letitia: Anyway, I figure I can't cross over because Jimmy never got what was coming to him. He died at 85 surrounded by family and friends, the bastard.

Evelyn: Aw, that's...wait. No it isn't, it's actually bad.

Letitia: That's for damn sure! Anyway, Evelyn...do you like dancing?

Riley: Ha! Called it!

Evelyn: I'm super bad at it, but yes!

Letitia: Great, because if you're free tonight, I know an abandoned nightclub that's haunted by this jazz band who got in a plane crash on their way to play there.

Evelyn: Well, that sounds awesome! Let's go! Don't wait up for me, Riley.

Riley: You kids have fun.

SOUND: Letitia strains, struggling to move. The sound of bricks scraping across the floor.

Evelyn: You coming?

Letitia: Yeah, sometimes I just have a hard time going from place to place since I died tied to these cinderblocks.

Evelyn: Oh, so that's what that chain around your waist is.

Letitia: Yeah. Makes moving around a real bitch.

Evelyn: I thought that was just a really cute belt. Here, let me help you with that-

SOUND: Evelyn unlocks the chain.

Letitia: Oh, that's so much better- Wait, ah shit...

Riley: I didn’t know you could do that...

SOUND: Letitia starts to float upwards.

Evelyn: There’s a lot you don’t kn-- Oh gosh dang it again! Why can't I have one good thing in my death? [demonic] WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE SINGLE GOOD THING?

SOUND: Bookshelves rattling.

Riley: Uh...Ev, calm down.

SOUND: Evelyn takes a deep breath and sighs sadly.

Evelyn: Sorry, Riley...it's just....maybe I'm not ready to start dating again just yet.

Riley: That's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have forced you into it.

Evelyn: Your heart was in the right place. You know what, Riley?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: I'm glad you're here. Even if I do end up forever alone-

Riley: Remember that conversation we had where I told you about all the dead memes?

Evelyn: Shut up. Even if I do end up forever alone, I'm never gonna be really alone. I'll always have you.

Riley: Until I die.

Evelyn: I'll make sure you die with some unfinished business so we can still hang out.

SOUND: They both laugh.

[ END ]

When what was supposed to be a routine recording was interrupted by a strange Blooping noise, Riley and Evelyn suddenly have to deal with a giant, floating breast and the deranged seaman trying to harpoon it.

+Transcript

Riley: [each word punctuated with pauses for emphasis] Big. Anime. Boobs.

SOUND: An immense thunder crack.

Evelyn: You’re really going to start like that?

Riley: I’m not talking about your paranormal activi-titties for once, Hooper. I’m talking about a wider, cultural trend here.

Evelyn: Are you sure you’re not just trying to justify watching the second season of “Dying of the Plague In Another World”?

Riley: It’s not like I can do anything else right now, there’s a goddamn maelstrom out there. This time, it's Hurricane John Cena. Thanks, Florida.

Evelyn: It’s not like you ever go outside anyway.

Riley: Welcome to the Less is Morgue storm-cast, part two. This time we’ve left out a baggy of crystal meth for the Florida Man, so we won’t be fielding any unexpected intrusions.

Evelyn: Touch wood.

Riley: Speaking of people touching wood, let’s get back to anime.

Evelyn: You’re gonna make people mad!

Riley: They need to hear this! It’s gone too far.

Evelyn: While I agree with you, I also have to say that Japan is on the other side of the world, this podcast isn't in Japanese, and the animation industry probably isn’t going to change any time soon.

Riley: Irrelevant. This is the internet.

Evelyn: You use that argument a lot.

Riley: Because it’s irrefutable. Anyway, if you’ve watched any anime in the past two decades or so, you’ve likely noticed a pair of trends: one, that anime tiddies are getting even bigger. Two, that the people with the tiddies are getting younger. Notice, by the way, how I said “people” and not “women” - cause this bullshit affects trans guys and non-binary folks like me, too. In fact, do you ever think about how--

Evelyn: Riley, focus! Anime tiddies! Stay on task!

Riley: Right, right. So, here’s my question: how is drawing someone who looks about twelve having melons bigger than Evelyn’s head okay, but if I go to the store to buy firecrackers without my shirt on, I’d get slapped with an indecent exposure fine?

---

Evelyn: Well, I’d guess because you’re a real person and these are anime girls. It is super annoying though.

Riley: It must be a heavy burden for you, personally, to bear, Ev.

Evelyn: Not sure what you’re implying there, Riles.

Riley: I mean the gravity of this issue certainly affects the balance of your life.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, that’s enough.

Riley: I’m just saying, I’m here to provide the support you need.

[BEAT.]

Riley: Listeners, if those jokes went over your head...Go to our socials, look at any picture of Evelyn. She’s got some jugs. Like I mean… some bazongas.

Evelyn: I feel like you’re undermining your own message at this point, Riles. I thought we were talking about anime boobs.

Riley: I’m just pointing out that you should have more of an opinion on this, seeing as you've got more lived experience with breasticular discrimination than I do, considering I’m a member of the itty bitty titty committee, and you’re the president of the United States of having Huge Jugs.

Evelyn: They didn’t elect me! [sighs] If you want me to speak on trippy ghost problems, or lesbian problems, or the plight of being a Nickelback fan, I’ll do it. But having boobs is not something that defines me.

Riley: But it is a very central part of your physical being. Look, I just don’t wanna make sweeping statements about the representation of big boobs without getting input from someone who can judge its accuracy.

Evelyn: Well, in that case, yeah, I think it is weird the way boobs move in anime. Like, you see all these women running around and their boobs are just bouncing around everywhere like it’s nothing. If I ever tried to go for a run without double-layering my sports bras I’d end up giving myself a black eye. Not to mention the fact that it'd hurt like all heck, and probably would even if you had small boobs.

Riley: There we go! That’s the problem here - these anime boobs aren’t meant to be some realistic representation of the actual boob experience. Same with boobs in comics, same with boobs in porn, same with boobs in the Fast and Furious franchise. They’re there for horny straight men, and horny straight men only. And furthermore--

SOUND: A tremendous BLOOP noise.

Riley: Okay, what the fuck was that?

Evelyn: I’m not sure. Maybe it’s something to do with the storm? I read a report about flooding and there was something about Nuclear Super-Gators again?

Riley: No, Evelyn, Nuclear Super-Gators sound like this [Riley makes some freakish growling noises] this is totally different.

SOUND: Another tremendous BLOOP noise.

Riley: There it is again! Look at how the audio spiked - it’s fucking with our incisive social commentary!

Evelyn: Aww, and I was starting to actually get into it. Maybe we’ll just scrap this one and record again later.

Riley: You know The Less is Morgue Code: Never scrap an episode.

SOUND: BLOOP.

Riley: Except maybe this once.

SOUND: Muffled clunking of a motorboat coming down the basement stairs.

Evelyn: Oh, I don’t like the sound of that. Riley: I feel like something really stupid is about to happen.

SOUND: The basement door bursts open. Water pours into the room, carrying with it the Pecker 2 motorboat and its crew - Captain Cishmale, and Chip, the cabin boy.

Riley: And we’ve got a flood! Evelyn, save the audio equipment! [beat] Crap, Evelyn, watch me save the audio equipment.

Evelyn: Don’t get your feet wet, Riley, I used to hate that.

SOUND: The roar of the motorboat entering the room, and the scurvy laughter of Captain Cishmale.

Cishmale: Yarr, this be the scurviest man-cave I’ve ever barged into!

Chip: It smells like burnt macaroni, captain!

Cishmale: Tough titties, my boy. Grin and bear it.

Chip: Aye aye, Captain!

Riley: Great, spend two minutes talking about boobs and now we’ve summoned some.

Chip: Boobs! where!?

SOUND: Chip extends a pirate spyglass.

Evelyn: Why does this keep happening to us? I feel like it's not normal to have two different pirates on one podcast.

Cishmale: Give me that spyglass, boy. You’re much too young for lookout duty.

Riley: Look out for this!

SOUND: Riley discharges a crossbow bolt at them. Chip yelps.

Cishmale: Shiver me timbers, lassie, you almost killed me!

Chip: They got me in the foot, Captain!

Cishmale: Walk it off, Chip!

Riley: Consider that a warning shot, fuckers. The next one will get your other leg.

Evelyn: Riley, you just shot the cabin boy. Let’s maybe take it down a notch.

Cishmale: Aye! The one with the mountainous mammaries is right! We mean ye no harm!

SOUND: Boat flips over. SPLASH.

Cishmale: Man overboard, man overboard!

Chip: Boy overboard, boy overboard!

Riley: Ev, did you just poltergeist-capsize their boat?

Evelyn: [Defensive] What? It's more humane than a crossbow.

Riley: It won’t be when they come up for air!

Evelyn: One sec, lemme just close the door before all of you drown.

Riley: Or worse, before water damages the recording equipment.

SOUND: Evelyn closes the door, ceasing the rushing waters. Cishmale and Chip gasp as they surface.

Chip: Are you alive, Captain?

Cishmale: Yes, my boy! More importantly, am I alive?

Chip: You look fine to me, Captain.

Cishmale: Don't go lily-livered on me, boy.

Riley: Seeing as you’re regrettably both still alive, can you either tell me why you're flooding my basement or kindly get the fuck out of it?

Evelyn: Also, how can you see me? You're the second mortal to perceive me this month and it's kind of weirding me out.

Cishmale: Call me Cishmale. Captain Cishmale! The saltiest sea dog this side of Sarasota. I’ve seen the sorriest slew of scary sights in my time on the seven seas, and you, busty spectre, are far from the strangest.

Evelyn: Oh, so you’re a loon. Makes sense, the last guy was too.

Riley: Tasted pretty good, though.

Cishmale: This be my sailing vessel, the Pecker 2.

Chip: And I’m Chip! The plucky cabin boy who likes to quip!

Cishmale: Go soak your head! They don’t care about meetin’ you.

Chip: [reluctantly] Aye aye, Captain.

Riley: Feel free not to correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you need a full cabin to have a cabin boy. Your so-called “sailing vessel” is just a motorboat with “Pecker 2” painted onto it.

Cishmale: Well, it’s not called the Pecker 2 for nothing. The Pecker 1 was a glorious galleon, the kind a man only sees once in a trust fund.

Evelyn: What happened to it?

Cishmale: It was destroyed, the crew lost. Three hundred good men, going their own way. All because of...The Breast.

Riley: Don't you mean “The Beast”?

Evelyn: He obviously doesn’t, Riley.

Cishmale: Your voluptuous friend speaks the truth. There were but two great breasts of the sea, and before my ship was crushed between them, I launched my harpoon and took one of them down with it. The other still haunts these waters, a vile leviathan of lactate.

Riley: If you ever use that phrase again, I will shoot you. This is not a threat, it's a promise.

Evelyn: I'm really not comfortable with how this is going.

Cishmale: So you see, I’ve bought this motorboat, the only seaworthy vessel that can withstand the force of...Moby Tit.

SOUND: Lightning strikes again.

Riley: When did this become our life?

Evelyn: And death?

Riley: So, let me get this straight…

Cishmale: [Defensive] Who said I'm not straight? Nobody’s straighter than this salty seaman!

Chip: You tell ‘em, Captain! You're the masculine ideal!

Riley: Ignoring that and moving on, for the sake of my mental health. So, just to recap: You’re out there in the middle of a fucking Gatornado, hunting a giant sea-boob.

Cishmale: Sky-Boob, technically. It can fly.

Riley: Oh, my mistake. I thought for a second that this whole thing was nonsense, but thank you for clarifying about the Sky boob.

Evelyn: Kill me again.

Riley: Seeing as you're, and I mean this in the nicest possible of ways, completely fucking insane, how can we be sure that this so-called boob isn't just a figment of your diseased imagination?

Cishmale: Well, other than the raging storm the breast causes in its wake, you’d hear it coming. It makes a baleful cry like [Mimicking the BLOOP]

Chip: No, Captain, it’s like [Mimicking the BLOOP, but slightly worse]

Riley: You’re both wrong! It sounded like [Pitch-perfect BLOOP] and if that’s what’s been fucking up my audio tonight, let’s go kill this thing.

Evelyn: What, Riley!?

Cishmale: Welcome aboard, Riley of the Man-Cave.

Riley: Still got the crossbow.

Cishmale: Point taken. Save your bolts for… Moby Tit.

Riley: If I die on this voyage, tell my family nothing.

SOUND: Riley steps into the boat.

Evelyn: Riley, I can’t believe you’re literally on board with this! We can’t aid and abet the cold-blooded murder of an innocent boob! We’re both feminists, and we both cried watching Free Willy!

Riley: DON’T TELL THE LISTENERS THAT! IT’S A LIE, I NEVER CRY! EVER!

Evelyn: You look like you’re about to cry right now!

Cishmale: Nobody here is about to cry! We’re in total, rational control of our emotions.

Chip: Captain, my foot’s still bleeding.

Cishmale: [Rage] Oh, cry me a river, Chip!

Chip: It hurts like a motherfucker.

Cishmale: Who taught you that kind of language, you little shit?

Riley: Look, Evelyn. I see where you’re coming from. But whether it’s a boob, a super gator, or a goddamn floating testicle, you mess with the audio, you get shot-io.

Evelyn: Fine, I guess I’ll tag along and I totally won’t sabotage this at every step of the way.

Riley: I appreciate your honesty.

Cishmale: Well, if we’re all done smacking lips and being gay, let’s get this motorboat started!

Evelyn: I'm literally never done being gay.

Cishmale: Oh, but you will be, after you’ve seen… Moby Tit!

SOUND: Scurvy cackle from Cishmale as he rips the motor back into life.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A fire bursts into life in a nearby fireplace. Gentle, classical piano music begins to play in the background.

Dr. Heimer: We live in a nervous age, don't we? So much to be concerned about. Politics, climate change, that weird feeling you've been getting that's probably cancer. Insanity is a natural response to the pressures of being cursed with existence on our frenetic little globe, but that doesn't make it any less of a pain in the posterior. But you know what does? The comfort of knowing that there are so many people out there who are far nuttier than you.

SOUND: The piano music ceases. Dr. Heimer closes the piano lid.

Dr. Heimer: I'm Doctor Alfred Z. Heimer, a real psychiatrist, and an honest man. And I care deeply about your wellbeing - it pains me that there are only so many patients I can attend to in a given week, and that so many of these sessions are brief, because my patients - ahem, cure themselves so frequently. That's why I'm making my own new podcast:

The Headcase Files, an ethically dubious voyage into the heads of some of my most hopeless patients - complete with full recordings of our therapy sessions, taken and released without their knowledge, for the voyeuristic thrill of seeing another person’s darkest moments laid out onto your lap like a television dinner. Here are a few clips that will surely entice you into listening…

[A BRIEF MONTAGE OF CLIPS BEGIN TO PLAY]

Frantic Patient: Doctor, I feel like the walls are closing in. I feel like I'm giving up hope, there's got to be something you can do for me.

Dr. Heimer: Worry not, dear. I've got a list of all the tall buildings with roof access in the city, one moment…

SOUND: Static.

Disturbed Patient: I know this ain't healthy, Doc, but I'm feeling a pretty strong urge to kinda murder the living hell out of my neighbour and wear his skin.

Dr. Heimer: Well, the heart wants what the heart wants. Best heed its call.

SOUND: Static.

Depressed Patient: Yeah, I'm not sure the therapy is really working for me, it's not really improved my self-esteem at all.

Dr. Heimer: Perhaps the fact that you're stupid and rather ugly is a barrier to progress.

Depressed Patient: [Sighs] Yeah, that's probably it.

[END MONTAGE]

Dr. Heimer: If that doesn't whet your appetite, well, I don't know what will. Full names, phone numbers, and home addresses of each patient will be available in the show notes. The Headcase Files - who says therapy can't be fun?

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Storm and flooding waters. Motorboat running in the background.

Cishmale: Well, it took a few hours to get the boat up the basement stairs, but we’re on open waters now, and that's what matters.

Riley: It still kind of amazes me that you managed to do that.

Evelyn: Yeah, the rest of this all follows facts and logic.

Cishmale: Poppycock! Facts and logic are just the names I gave me testes! I lost me logic fighting the first of the breasts, but by Davy Jones’ Jockstrap, the second will not claim me facts!

Riley: Will you please stop talking?

Evelyn: It’d be a real shame if this boat were to capsize again…

Riley: Don't you dare, Hooper. I've got a Mac and like three hundred dollars worth of recording equipment on here.

Chip: [Too close to the mic] Your stuff’s really cool, Riley!

Riley: Watch it, Chip!

Cishmale: Yeah, watch it, you little bitch!

Chip: [Sad] Aye aye, Captain.

Evelyn: Don't you think you're being a little hard on him, Cishmale?

Cishmale: The boy needs discipline! You can't let your Chip slip.

Riley: Terrible, but effective.

Cishmale: He needs all this if he wants to be strong. The poor boy’s been through enough already - show ‘em, Chip. Take off yer shirt.

Riley: Woah, woah, what's going on here? Do I need to call somebody?

Chip: It’s okay, just look.

SOUND: Chip takes off his shirt. Everyone gasps.

Evelyn: He’s made entirely out of wood! How is he alive?

Cishmale: He wanted to be a real boy, but he sucked at it. So now only his head and left foot are made of flesh.

Chip: Kinda wish you shot the other one, Riley.

Riley: I thought this was a swashbuckling voyage, not a guilt trip.

Cishmale: Alright, put your shirt back on, boy. You disgust not only me, but everyone.

Chip: Aye aye, Captain. You don't need to tell me twice.

Cishmale: And don’t get splinters in the cotton. That’s polynesian fabric, so I’ve been told… by a stupid lady.

Evelyn: Jeez, what is your problem?

SOUND: Two Nuclear Super Gators roar up with the same noise that Riley made when talking about them.

Riley: Who cares what his problem is? We’ve got incoming Nuclear Super Gators!

Chip: What’s the difference between a nuclear super gator and a regular gator?

Riley: No carbon emissions!

Chip: It must have been my foot blood! They were drawn by my foot blood!

Cishmale: If you say foot blood one more time, you won’t have a leg to stand on!

Evelyn: You’re awful!

Cishmale: Awfully mad! Riley, you take the one on the right, I’ll harpoon the left! Chip, drive the motorboat betwixt them!

Chip: Aye aye, Captain!

SOUND: Motorboat speeds up. Crossbow-loading noise.

Riley: This is for Steve Irwin, you scaly bitch!

Chip: Wasn’t it a stingray that killed Steve Irwin?

Evelyn: [Gasps] Steve Irwin’s dead?

SOUND: Crossbow shot kills Nuclear Super Gator.

Cishmale: The only ‘poon you’re getting is a harpoon!

SOUND: Cishmale kills the other gator.

Evelyn: How could you make killing a Nuclear Super Gator awkward?

Riley: Yeah, I wanted a minute to celebrate how dead-on that shot was, but then you had to Cishmale all over it.

Cishmale: Well, they’re dead, alright? I’ll come up with something better next time.

Evelyn: Please, for the sake of everyone, don’t.

Chip: Hey, can we maybe bandage my foot please, guys? I'm starting to feel woozy here…

Cishmale: I find your lack of resolve as disgusting as your mutilated foot, boy. We’re so close to finding… Moby Tit, you can't just quit now because you're “dying” of “blood loss.” Man up!

Riley: And I’m starting to get hungry for feet. Not in a weird way.

Evelyn: Just reminding you that, despite the rocking of the boat, our audio is still live.

Riley: I gotta say, really impressed with the quality of my audio equipment today.

Evelyn: Yeah, it’s almost worth putting it and all of our lives and dignity at risk to get revenge on something for two seconds of interrupted audio.

Riley: [gritted teeth] You mess with the audio, you get shot-io.

Cishmale: It won’t be long now, until the breast is laid bare before us. I can feel the tingling in me short hairs and me long johns.

Chip: I can’t feel anything!

Evelyn: I can’t feel anything either. Except for an all-consuming rage.

Riley: Hey, I don't like him either, but I'm willing to put massive ideological differences aside to destroy a common enemy.

Cishmale: Right, what they said.

Chip: I wish I could see ghosts.

Cishmale: You're not missing much - all she does is whine.

Evelyn: Hey!

Cishmale: Look, lass, I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.

Chip: How big are her boobies?

Cishmale: Good question, lad. They’re somewhere between a Z and a Z minus.

Evelyn: You don’t know how cup sizes work, do you?

Cishmale: Nobody does. Those letters are arcane! Just like W-2 forms. I’m not a dependent. I don’t even know the meaning of the word!

Chip: It means--

Cishmale: [Furious] Every second with you! Stop being so dependent on my approval!

---

Evelyn: Riley, can I ask you a favour?

Riley: Sure.

Evelyn: I wanna speak to Chip. Could you pass my messages over?

Riley: I'm not sure why you'd want to speak to either of these guys, but fuck it, why not, I guess.

Evelyn: Tell him that I’m really concerned about him. As far as male role-models go, Cishmale might actually be the worst one there is. Especially for someone so young and impressionable.

Riley: Is that all?

Evelyn: I want him to know that he’s still got a lot of time to figure himself out and he doesn’t have to reach some pivotal stage of development while hunting a sky boob with a mad, misogynistic sea captain.

Riley: Got it, got it. [Beat] Hey, kid. Don’t grow up. It’s not fun to be an adult.

Chip: Oh. Okay.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: Also, my ghost friend thinks you have potential.

Chip: Potential for what?

Riley: Potential for not being as big a dick as this guy.

Chip: But what if I want to be a big dick?

Riley: Good point. I can't dispute that.

Evelyn: I’m breaking out an old favorite for you, Riley. Here comes the Evelyn Hooper facepalm.

SOUND: Ghostly whap.

Riley: You’ve been practicing?

Evelyn: I invented it!

Chip: I'm really confused. How can I practice being a big dick?

Riley: I think what my ghostly partner here is trying to say is that Cishmale is a weird asshole that treats you like crap, so why would you want to be like him?

Cishmale: Don't listen to them, Chip, they're putting poison in your delicate ears!

Chip: Oh, I don’t like poison!

Riley: You just haven’t had good poison.

Evelyn: I swear, Riley. I’m about to say the F-word on our show again.

Cishmale: Chip has always wanted to be a real boy, and I told him, in exchange for his cabin boy services, I'd do him one better and make him a man. And what better way to become a man than vanquishing... Moby Tit.

Riley: I mean, that’s not the only way to become a man, though.

Cishmale: [Sarcastic] Oh, in that case, let’s turn this ship around, shall we! We’ll all just have a seminar about whether animals have feelings. Are you crazy?

Riley: You want to know how easy it is to be a man? Speak from deep in your chest, wear a ton of blue, and always tell people about how much you love your golden retriever. “Man” and “woman” are two words invented by marketing gurus to shill pink razors and Old Spice. You give them your identity, they’ll sell it back to you.

Chip: That sounds even worse than poison!

Cishmale: You leave my excellent 2-in-1 shampoo and deodorant out of this!

Riley: Or what? You’ll be on a horse?

Evelyn: I don’t get it, but yeah, get off your high horse!

Riley: Nice.

Cishmale: Whose side are you on, anyway?

Riley: The only side I'm ever on: Mine! [Beat] Wait, why did it just get so dark?

SOUND: Loudest BLOOP noise. It sounds like it's right above them.

Cishmale: It’s here! The great breast! At long last! Absolution! We’ve come face to teat with… Moby Tit!

Riley: Shit. That’s a Z cup if I’ve ever seen one.

Chip: It’s so beautiful, Captain! I can’t look away!

Cishmale: Avert your eyes, boy! It’ll drive you morny! That’s mad and horny at the same time!

Evelyn: What’s it even connected to?

Cishmale: I’ll tell you what it’s not connected to: Anything good! [Beat] Here’s to years of personal and sexual frustration, you overgrown melon!

SOUND: Cishmale grunts and throws the harpoon. It makes a fleshy “thud.”

Chip: It looks like you’ve pierced the nipple, Captain!

Cishmale: [Throaty cackle] The climbing rope is in place, lad. Now I’m gonna finish the job. The boob job!

---

Riley: That thing has a harpoon lodged in its areola and It hasn’t even noticed us.

Evelyn: Yeah, it actually seems totally harmless.

Riley: It’s a sitting duck! Perfect!

SOUND: Riley loads the crossbow.

Evelyn: Riley, no! It’s just living its best life.

Riley: Yeah, well, I'm gonna help it die its best death.

Evelyn: You are not shooting this boob today! I may not have real feet anymore, but I’m putting them down!

Riley: Evelyn, your all-consuming rage is starting to shake the boat. Can you just let me line up the shot first?

Evelyn: You might think you’re helping save the episode, but if you do this, you’ll be undermining your whole point. You’ll be no better than that maniac climbing a weathered rope towards a giant Nipple.

Cishmale: [Distant] Yuck! I can see its veins! Curse you… Moby Tit.

Evelyn: Listen to me, Riley. I know what happens when you mess with the audio…

Riley: [Deadpan] You get shot-io.

Evelyn: Right, but you have a thesis statement to prove! And isn’t proving that you were already the smartest person in the room more important to you than petty revenge?

[BEAT.]

Riley: Well, I guess when you put it that way: Fuck this.

Evelyn: Yay! Non-violent solutions!

Riley: Not entirely.

SOUND: Riley shoots a crossbow bolt at Cishmale.

Cishmale: Ahh! The ghoul shot me in the facts!

SOUND: Cishmale falls, wailing, into the water below.

Riley: And my mom said that online crossbow course was a waste of money. Joke’s on her, she’s next.

SOUND: Cishmale surfaces, gasping for air.

Cishmale: [Artificially pitched-up] It takes more than two burst testicles to defeat Captain Cishmale! Facts and logic were just weighing me down, anyway!

Riley: Damn, should’ve brought more bolts. Though in my defense, real dick move of him to not die.

Evelyn: Where’s a Nuclear Super Gator when you need one?

Cishmale: Chip, pull me aboard, boy!

Chip: Aye aye, Captain!

Riley: Chip, wait! Remember what I told you.

Chip: No carbon emissions?

Riley: Evelyn, what did you say again?

Evelyn: Chip, you can do better than that guy!

Riley: There. What Evelyn said.

Chip: What did she say?

Riley: Crap, what was it?

Evelyn: Oh for fuck’s sake!

SOUND: Evelyn possesses Riley.

Riley - Possessed: Chip, this is Evelyn! You don’t have to listen to Cishmale, you can be your own man! It’s as easy as being yourself!

Chip: But myself is made of wood. Riley - Possessed: Some of the best men are made of wood!

Chip: Really? Riley - Possessed: When you’re middle-aged, you’ll understand!

Cishmale: I don’t know what you two are doing in front of me favorite cabin boy, but it looks stupid and gay! [Beat] Chip, help me! As a man, you’re the only one with the upper body strength necessary to do it!

Riley - Possessed: His arms are literally twigs! You can’t ask him to do this.

Cishmale: He’ll do it! If he wants to be a man, he’ll save his captain! And then both of us together will take down…

SOUND: Cishmale struggles under the water for a few seconds before resurfacing.

Cishmale: Moby Tit!

Riley - Possessed: Chip, can’t you see he’s just using your identity to live out his own messed-up idea of masculinity?

Chip: But I can’t come up with any non-messed up ideas on my own!

Riley - Possessed: It doesn’t matter. You want to be a real boy, right?

Chip: Of course!

Riley - Possessed: Then congrats, you’ve been a real boy all along.

Cishmale: Even my unlimited manly stamina has its limits, boy. Stop listening to all that nonsense and save your captain!

[BEAT.]

Cishmale: Boy?

Chip: Go soak your head, Captain.

Cishmale: What!?

SOUND: Evelyn un-possesses Riley.

Evelyn: Yay! You did it, Chip!

Riley: [Groggy] I did it…

SOUND: Cishmale begins to drown.

Cishmale: You’re choosing to honor your petty whims over the lives of others? You really are a man! I’m proud of you, Chip! I’m proud of--

SOUND: Cishmale’s final “you” trails off as he submerged.

Riley: Thanks for the assist, Chip.

Chip: No problem, Riley! Now if you’ll excuse me, this man’s got a date with… Moby Tit!

Evelyn: Oh no, he’s internalized Cishmale’s warped view of manliness!

Riley: I feel like that’s fairly self-evident.

Evelyn: Don’t make me hop back in there!

SOUND: Chip grabs the rope and starts climbing!

Chip: I’m gonna touch a boob! I’m gonna touch a boob!

Riley: Oh no, you're not!

SOUND: Riley wrestles Chip off the rope. They fall back into the boat; the boat rocks.

Chip: You can’t keep me from my destiny! I will destroy… Moby Tit.

Riley: What do we do now, Evelyn?

Evelyn: We’ll deal with Chip later, first, we need to get the Moby Tit to safety.

Riley: How!?

Evelyn: A job this big requires the gentle touch of a lesbian. Watch and learn--

SOUND: Evelyn makes noises that sound like whalesong. There's a Bloop from the Moby Tit.

Riley: You speak boob?

Evelyn: I speak for the boobs, for the boobs have no tongues.

Riley: What are you on right now?

Evelyn: Shh!

SOUND: Evelyn makes more strange whale noises, the Moby Tit bloops back, then drifts away.

Evelyn: Off it goes, to greener pastures.

Chip: No! What am I gonna do without my destiny?

Riley: You’ll find a better one, probably. One that doesn't smell like sea-salt and shame.

Chip: [Sighs] Well, I’ve always wanted to live to be middle-aged.

Evelyn: That’s a great goal, Chip. And harder than you'd think.

Riley: It’s a start. [Beat] Huh, looks like the storm’s passed over, but the flood will probably last a couple days. Reckon you can get us back to the basement, Captain?

Chip: Oh, but the Captain’s-- [Gasp] Aye aye, me!

SOUND: The motorboat’s engine fires back up.

Evelyn: Looks like we’ve freed Chip!

Riley: And it only took some boob discourse, three crossbow bolts, and-- Oh god, almost all the battery on the laptop! We better wrap it up.

Evelyn: And just remember, listeners, whether your boobs are big, small, or not there at all, we here at Less Is Morgue think you're pretty rad.

Chip: Has anyone seen my foot?

[THE END]

In an attempt to make Evelyn feel good, Riley arranges a trip to a local adult camp under the guise of investigating the Bermuda Triangle. However, things quickly take a turn for the strange and deadly.

+Transcript

Riley: [Whispering] Listeners, Evelyn isn't in the room right now, so I'm gonna keep this little secret between me and you - and if anyone tattles, I swear to god, I'll take your knees. Wait, shit, we record these like a week in advance. Fuck. Anyway, so I'm planning something nice for Evelyn - no, don't you look at me like that! I've thought this one through, it's not gonna be emotionally devastating. It's gonna be great.

SOUND: Spooky, ghostly apparition noises.

Evelyn: Wow, Jon’s getting really great at tic tac toe. He kicked my butt.

Riley: Well, I mean, he's got plenty of time to practice in there.

Evelyn: Oh no, have you started recording already?

Riley: Yeah, I was just about to do the--

SOUND: Riley is interrupted by the theme music.

Riley: Intro.

Evelyn: Nice! Let's do it!

Riley: This is Less Is Morgue, the only show on the internet where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Evelyn: If you're listening to this, either you're wearing headphones, or being inconsiderate to the people around you!

Riley: After a lifetime of swallowing their chewing gum, a Florida local finally shit out a ten pound gum-wad that'd accumulated in their stomach over the years. That local is me. Welcome to the show.

Evelyn: So, what were you up to before I came in?

Riley: I’ve been doing some research. How much do you know about the Bermuda Triangle?

Evelyn: I know that it’s in the ocean and it’s somewhat triangular.

Riley: Correct. It’s a hotbed of disappearances and very likely extraterrestrial activity. But what you probably didn’t know is- it’s expanding. Look at this.

SOUND: Riley unfolding a piece of paper.

Evelyn: Oh wow.

Riley: There’s been an unusual spike in disappearances in this general area, West of Miami, which has lead me to an upsetting conclusion: The Bermuda Triangle is migrating. My guess is that this sort of thing roughly happens every 400 years.

Evelyn: Where’d you come up with that number?

Riley: It just feels right.

Evelyn: Okay, we’ll just roll with that.

Riley: So - you know how you’re always talking about us getting out of the house more?

Evelyn: I do, and I know how every time I bring it up you hiss at me and crawl under the bed.

Riley: Not today! Because we’re going to the woods to investigate.

[Beat.]

Riley: And also there’s this adult summer camp that’s running over the weekend in the epicentre of the disappearances, and that seemed like some normie shit that you’d be super into.

Evelyn: [Excited] Really?

Riley: Yeah, I signed us up. Well, I signed myself up, you’re a ghost, it’s not likely they’ll ticket you. I figured that you might still be upset over the thing with Olivia.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I forgive you for that.

Riley: Shut up. I haven’t forgiven me, and that’s the point here. I wanted to do something both of us could potentially, maybe enjoy.

Evelyn: That’s so nice of you, Riley! How’d you get your parents to lend you the money?

Riley: Oh, it wasn’t hard. I went upstairs and I was like ‘Hey guys, I’ve got plans for the weekend, I need some money’ and my dad broke down crying with joy. Mom wasn’t as emotional but the aura coming off of her was like...way less disappointed than usual.

Evelyn: Well, that’s good to hear.

Riley: Yep, and dad’s gonna drive us - so pack your bags.

Evelyn: I have no other clothes.

Riley: --I’m gonna get my stuff together, and we’ll be off to Camp One Counselor.

SOUND: The Audio Cuts.

SOUND: Riley walking on gravel up to the camp gates.

Riley: Alright, we are walking up to the entrance of Camp One Counselor. There’s… only one counsellor.

[Beat.]

Riley: Huh. That explains the name, I guess.

Evelyn: Oh oh oh! I think that’s where you sign in!

Riley: They’re like, the only one here, so they better be.

SOUND: Footsteps as they approach Jordan.

Jordan: [Disgustingly peppy and cheerful] Hello, hello, happy, happy camper! I'm Jordan P, your new bestest budd-y! Turn that frown upside down and show me your pass!

Riley: Uh, yeah, here…

Jordan: and a BIG thank you. Clip clip!

SOUND: Jordan punches their ticket.

Jordan: If there’s anything I love, it’s…

SOUND: He strums his ukulele.

Jordan: [Sing-song] Validating people!

SOUND: Jordan slowly turns to Evelyn, a creaking sound is heard.

Jordan: So… Does your friend have a ticket, too?

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley both gulp.

Evelyn: You can… see me…?

Jordan: Oh, I see dead people all the time! Sometimes they’re not even the ones I made!

SOUND: Another strum.

Riley: …Oh. Evelyn: So! What’s up with the metal rim on that uke of yours?

Riley: [In the background, quietly] Are we just going to ignore that, or…?

Jordan: Oh, it helps me create… [sounding so pleased with himself, like he’s holding back a laugh] Hard hitting performances.

SOUND: He strums on ukulele again, in rapid succession.

Jordan: Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what activities we have at this fine establishment! Well… [sung to the tune of “Hello Mother, Hello Father”] We have rock climbing, we have rope climbing, mountain climbing, building climbing--

Evelyn: Uh, I can float, so are there any that don't involve climbing?

Jordan: Of course. Key change!

SOUND: Enthusiastic strum.

Jordan: [Building to a song] Weeeeee’ve goooooot--

Riley: TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. GO.

SOUND: Microphone shoved uncomfortably close to Jordan’s face.

Jordan: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, missy! Turn off that phone and tune IN [Really uncomfortable pause] to nature!

Evelyn: I like nature!

Riley: Oh for the love of-- Okay, fine. Whatever. [To Evelyn] Have you noticed there are like… no other people at this place?

SOUND: Footsteps as Jerry approaches.

Riley: Nevermind.

Jerry: Sup. Jordan, my dude. I uh… I need coffee, man. This hangover is really killing the vibe.

Jordan: You know what the biggest vibe killer of all is, Jerry? Coffee! Bitter, disgusting, sad, workaholic coffee! Coffee, my dear friend, is the devil’s drink! Do you want to imbibe in the devil’s drink?

Jerry: But you serve alcohol here…? Isn’t that--

Jordan: ALCOHOL IS FUN! IT HELPS YOU HAVE FUN HERE! DO YOU NOT WANT TO HAVE FUN?

Jerry: I’d have more fun if I just got a little pick me up.

SOUND: Jordan takes in a deep breath. Too deep to be comfortable.

Jordan: Alright, alright.. Here, I’ll take you to the coffee machine. Follow me...

SOUND: Footsteps away, followed by blunt force trauma. Ukulele strings breaking and blood splattering.

Evelyn: That doesn't sound good.

SOUND: Footsteps as Jordan returns.

Jordan: Jerry wasn’t feeling well and had to go home.

[Beat.]

SOUND: Jordan claps his hands together.

Jordan: So! Here’s your complimentary flower crowns and mimosas! Campfire is at seven! Don’t forget your smiles - cause when you smile, the world smiles back! Toodle-oo!

SOUND: Jordan walks away.

Riley: I bet this weekend is gonna end with him ritualistically posing our bodies.

Evelyn: Well, I don't have a body, so you'd lose that bet!

Riley: God, this shit is creepy.

Evelyn: Riley, I know you're doing this for me, and I really appreciate that, but I don't think this is your scene.

Riley: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Evelyn: I know you're just doing this because you feel bad about Olivia. But seriously, it's fine. I appreciate you caring about me. But you seem all anxious and twitchy and that never ends well.

Riley: Bermuda Triangle, Ev! That's why we’re here. All this camp shit is just a cover.

Evelyn: [Sighs] Then I guess we better make it convincing. Let's go check out the activities!

Riley: [Gulps] Okay, here we go…

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: X-Files-esque music plays.

Insurance Man: Hello, my name is Human Male, the Male Human, representing the Indrid Cold Insurance Firm. Let's move on. Have you ever been abducted by superior beings from other worlds? Have they taken you up into their flying saucers? Did they do butt stuff? Did they leave you dazed and confused? Maybe a little turned on after? You may be entitled to sizeable compensation with our new Abduction Insurance Plan.

SOUND: Sci-Fi sound effects.

Insurance Man: We offer a far greater incentive scheme than our leading Alien Abduction competitors - our policy ensures that you or your surviving next of kin are entitled to a ten million dollar payout, payable yearly in dollar instalments for the next ten million years. You will need to get one of the alien beings involved in the transaction to co-sign your legal papers, and you may also need this alien to, if called upon, appear in court to state that they did indeed abduct you, to prevent insurance fraud.

SOUND: Spacecraft whooshing through the air.

Insurance Man: Remember - it’s too late to get insurance after you've already been abducted. When you inevitably turn up mysteriously dead in no way connected to the CIA, it’s always good to leave something behind for whoever’s distant enough from you to avoid being silenced. Indrid Cold Insurance: It’s out of this world.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Audio cuts back in. There’s the crackle of a campfire. The ambient noises of wildlife. Riley is more tense than ever.

Riley: Hi. We’re… back. It’s seven in the evening and today has been... a lot…

Evelyn: Of fun! [pauses] Mostly. You did accidentally shoot another camper in the foot on the archery range. That really put things on pause for a bit, but Jordy got cleared it up pretty quickly!

Riley: Listen; The crossbow is superior to the acoustic bow. Weak fuckin’ twig, making me nock the arrows myself like some kind of mouth-breathing caveman.

SOUND: Riley breathes through their mouth.

Riley: I’m gonna burn this place down, Evelyn.

Evelyn: [sounding unimpressed] Please don’t burn this place down. Riley: Wait, shit, no, I’m supposed to be having fun! Fuck. Sorry, Evelyn, I’m ruining your trip. I’ll calm down now. I can do this.

Evelyn: Are you sure? Cause you’re pulling like, a lot of your hair out right now.

Riley: That’s just to, uh, make me more aerodynamic in a combat situation!

Evelyn: …In what context would we end up in a “combat situation”?

Riley: Oh, hmm, I don’t know…. Because Jordan is [imitating his happy-go-lucky tone in a stressed, mocking fashion] Absolutely out of his mind?

Evelyn: Oh, he’s not that bad… I think. Just super enthusias--

SOUND: Ukulele strums.

Jordan: Gather around, happy campers! Tonight we have two new camperinos joining us! Say hello to Riley and Evelyn!

Norm: Sup, ladies.

Stacy: Oh my GOD, hi! It’s so good to have another girl here, y’know what I mean?

Riley: I’m not--

Stacy: Girl power, am I right?

SOUND: Riley groans; begins rocking back and forth.

Evelyn: Is rocking back and forth a combat thing, too?

Riley: No, it’s a “don’t ask me about it” thing.

Evelyn: Gosh, it’s kinda spooky out here.

Riley: I’d say more “all-out sensory assault.”

SOUND: We hear Jason’s iconic “Chi-chi-chi, Ah-ah-ah” sound effect.

Evelyn: Oh no!

Riley: Great, machete time. One more thing to worry about.

Norm: Oh, it’s cool, that’s just my text alert.

Jordan: What did I tell you about phones, Norm?

Norm: That they’re of the devil?

Jordan: Exactly! Okie-dokey-artichokie! Now it’s time to wiiiiiind dooooown and relax. [Long pause as he breathes in and out] Riley! You’re not looking relaxed at all!

Riley: Well thanks, Jordan, pointing that out to everyone really helps.

SOUND: Jordan begins strumming his ukulele.

Jordan: How about we mellow out, and reflect on the day. What’s been everyone’s favourite activity? You first, Norm! Take it away!

Norm: The water balloon fights up on the roof of the cabins… at least until Derek fell off…

Stacy: Where is Derek, anyway?

Jordan: I called an ambulance, he’s in a better place. I mean, he’s in the best place, for what happened to him.

[Beat.]

Jordan: I didn’t kill him.

Norm: ...Anyway, I liked the water balloons best. Maybe we can do some more water-based activities? Like, I dunno, rowing? Or a wet t-shirt contest? Or skinny-dipping in the hot tub with some brewskies, and you know, what happens, happens, right?

Riley: Ew.

Evelyn: [Whispering] Even I don’t like this guy...

Stacy: Oh! Oh! Me next! I liked the part where I completely DESTROYED everyone in the volleyball tournament!

Norm: [Talking more to himself] Oh, I liked that one too…We’ve got so much in common, Stacy. Are you feeling this connection too?

Riley: I’m feeling something… [gags]

Evelyn: [Hushed whisper] Don’t be rude!

Jordan: How about you, Riley? We’ve gotta be--

SOUND: Strums.

Jordan: Inclusive!

Riley: You realize pretty much everyone here is whiter than clapping when the plane lands, right?

Jordan: Less critiquing systems, more talking about your favourite activity!

SOUND: Angry strum.

Evelyn: Just play along, Riles, it’s fine.

Riley: [dramatic sigh] I guess making macaroni art with Smirnoff instead of glue was novel…

Jordan: Great! We’ll eat those paintings at the end of the weekend.

Evelyn: But I can’t eat--

Norm: Actually, speaking of food…We haven’t eaten in like… two days…

Riley: Yeah - the giant, floating turkey leg has a point.

Jordan: That’s because food would soak up all the alcohol, silly-billy! People are just happier when they’re--

SOUND: Strum.

Jordan: [Sing-song] Shitfaced! That’s just science.

Riley: [Quiet] Okay, I’m not feeling so great. Everything is just… too much.

Evelyn: I feel so left out…

Jordan: Maybe you should have thought about that before dying!

Stacy: [Laughs] This is hi-larious! Who’s he talking to again…?

Jordan: Nobody! Just keep drinking!

SOUND: Liquor pouring.

Stacy: Alright, alright, jeez. You know, this camp was a lot more fun two days ago, when there were still twenty people I could beat at dodgeball.

Jordan: [Angry] Don’t be such a debby downer! Those other eighteen were party poopers - that’s why I...uh, gently encouraged them to leave. Until they died.

Riley: Still not doing so great. Actually, getting kinda worse…[Strained laugh]

Evelyn: Aw… Riley… Let’s just go home. I appreciate you doing this for me; I really do, but I’ve had my fun!

Riley: Yeah, maybe leaving would be a good idea... it’s--

Jordan: [Unhinged] NO ONE LEAVES!

SOUND: Everyone gasps in shock.

Jordan: I mean, why would you want to leave? Everything is perfect here! Sing-along, anyone?

SOUND: Forceful ukulele strumming and singing “Camptown Racers’, which promptly fades into the background.

Evelyn: [close to mic] I don’t want to make things worse for you, Riles, but I think you were right before about this guy being… [pauses as she struggles to find a nice way to put it] Looney tunes.

Riley: No fucking shit, Ev…

Norm: Hey, what’re you whispering about? Is it my amazing body? [pauses] Or Stacy’s amazing body?

Stacy: Norm, please close your mouth. It’s gross.

Riley: What? No--

Norm: If you wanna participate in some girl-on-girl action, who am I to get in the way of that--

Riley: For fuck’s sake-- I’m not a girl. Do you people not have any listening comprehension--

SOUND: Ukulele twangs, then stops.

Jordan: How about a scary story? Can’t have a campfire without a scary story!

Riley: My life is a scary story.

Stacy: My favourite is the one with the Christmas ornaments that come to life and try to kill everybody!

Norm: Or that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! [long pause, sounding distant and horrified] You know the one...

SOUND: Ukulele strum.

Jordan: SILENCE! How will you hear the story if you’re not even paying attention!?

SOUND: Long pause. Just the fire crackling in the background.

Jordan: Anyway… It happened a long, long, long, long-

Riley: Long?

Jordan: Time ago! Probably about twenty years, give or take. There was a pleasant young man called...Garry. Yeah, that’s it, Garry B. Garry B was 15 years old, and he was a happy happy camper, just like all of you.

Riley: [sarcastic] I’m already enthralled.

Jordan: … And he went to a camp, just like this one. But this camp was different!

Riley: Was it different or was it just like this one?

Jordan: YES! Anyway, this camp had lots of rules...the counselors were tyrannical. They didn’t allow drinking, staying out past ten, or climbing on the roof! They even made the campers wear hats to prevent sunburn!

Norm: [horrified] Those sick bastards!

Jordan: Garry B just wanted to have fun at camp! His one, harmless dream was to start a food fight! Just like in his favourite movie, Camp Rock! All he did was throw some mashed potatoes into the ceiling fan, but the counsellors wouldn’t have it.

Stacy: That’s not scary.

Jordan: I’M GETTING TO IT, STACY! SO HELP ME I WILL BASH YOUR BRAINS IN!

Stacy: Just try, little man.

SOUND: Jordan P begins to make a kind of angry internal screech through gritted teeth.

Evelyn: I’m really invested, Jordie! Keep going!

Jordan: They put me- I mean Garry- in the time-out shell. It was horrible. It smelled strongly of cheese and there were crabs all over the floor. Garry swore on that day that he’d return and get his sweet, sweet revenge. And so, next summer, he came back to the camp, and he drowned them all. The end!

SOUND: Ukulele strum.

Stacy: [clapping] Okay, that’s more like it!

Evelyn: It was… kind of dark, and the mass murder really came out of left field.

Riley: Okay, so this dude just admitted to killing a bunch of people. Is anyone else bothered by that?

Norm: Riley, that story was about Garry B, not Jordy P. They’re two different people. But I understand your confusion, it took me a moment too.

Riley: Garry B was a blatant self-insert! It’s the first sign of a hack writer!

Norm: Well maybe if Jordy told the story again, you’d be able to appreciate all the intricacies of—

Riley: Nope. I don’t have the spoons for this bullshit. I’m leaving.

Jordan: Come on, guys, no need to leave. We haven’t even brewed Jordy P’s Magical Togetherness Tea yet! The special ingredient is drugs.

Riley: I never would have guessed.

Stacy: You know what… I’m kinda… feeling like heading off myself. Can I catch a ride with you, weird gray girl?

Riley: [forceful] Not a fucking girl. Gender is a construct. Can I please have some space?

SOUND: Glasses clinking and dirt grinding as Norm rushes to his feet.

Norm: I go where Stacy goes!

Jordan: I…SAID…

SOUND: Woosh of fire and glass shattering as Jordan throws a bottle into the campfire.

Jordan: [Echoing shout] NO ONE LEAVES!!

Riley: Hi Jordan, I’m no one. Bye!

SOUND: Jordan screams, audio picks up many feet running.

Jordan: [Yelling, his voice getting softer] All I wanted was to give you all the magic of experiencing the perfect summer camp for adults! You could have recaptured your youth, except the sense of innocence is replaced with constant intoxication! But you’ve squandered the opportunity… and now you’re gonna pay for it.

Stacy: Quick, get in the bush!

Norm: So forward… I like that in a woman.

Riley: You fucking mistake of a human being, she means the shrub.

Evelyn: [gasps] I hear him coming!

SOUND: Rustling of bushes, then heavy, slow footsteps.

Jordan: Come to Jordy! Where is everyone? You can’t hide forever!

Riley: [Whispering, breathing heavily] If we stay quiet, we should be safe.

Evelyn: [whispering] I think it’s working, he’s passing us by!

SOUND: Long silence, then tinkling of liquid hitting dirt. This fades to background and persists throughout the scene.

Stacy: Eww, Norm are you…peeing?

Norm: I’m sorry, I’ve been drinking all night and it’s a stressful situation! Stacy, don’t look, I don’t want you to see me like this!

Riley: God, I’m gonna rip off your—

Jordan: [very close to recording device] Well hey there, fellas!

SOUND: Jordan gets PUNCHED. He falls to the floor and groans.

Stacy: There’s more where that came from, shitbag!

Evelyn: [impressed] Wow, Stacy is kind of a secret badass.

Riley: [extremely stressed] Great. Maybe next she’ll master getting my pronouns right.

SOUND: Tinkling ceases. Zipper noise.

Norm: Okay, I think that’s all of it, let’s go!

Riley: [through gritted teeth] I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this…!

SOUND: Several sets of footsteps running again.

Riley: Quick, to the canoe hut! If we can row out into the middle of the lake, we’ll be safe. Everyone knows ukuleles don’t work on open water.

Evelyn: That’s true! It’s a commonly known fact!

Stacy: Follow me, I was rowing captain back in highschool!

Evelyn: I could kind of follow her anywhere. Riley, coming to camp has worked, I think I’m moving on!

Riley: That’s great, Ev, we’ll celebrate after we’ve escaped with our lives!

Jordan: [massively distant] YOU CAN’T ESCAPE FUN!

[Breathless reads end here.]

SOUND: Running continues. Soon, a creaky, old wooden door opens, everyone enters, and the door slams shut. Norm banging on the door.

Norm: [muffled] Come on guys, let me in!

Stacy: You should’ve run faster, scrub!

Evelyn: Riley! Help him!

Riley: Maybe Jordy will tire out his murdering arm beating Norm to death?

Evelyn: [warning] Riley…

Riley: Okay, fine!

SOUND: Door opens and Norm rushes through.

Norm: Quick, he’s gaining on us!

Stacy: He’s just walking! How does he keep catching up!?

SOUND: Doors being pushed shut. Creaking then slamming.

Evelyn: [hesitant] Uhh… Riley…?

Riley: What is it-- Why are there no fucking canoes in here!?

Stacy: WHAT!? FUCK!

Norm: That explains why kayaking kept getting cancelled.

Evelyn: Jordy must have taken them so we couldn’t escape!

Riley: Or they’re all at the bottom of the lake with the counsellors he drowned.

Norm: Uh, that was just a story. Duh!

Riley: I swear, you meathead, I’m hungry, tired, and on edge. I WILL FUCKING DEVOUR YOU, SO DON’T TEST ME!

Norm: You mean, in like, a sexy way?

Riley: NOT IN A SEXY WAY!

Jordan: [muffled from other side of door] Come out, come out, my happy, happy campers… Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you, I’m only going to KILL YOU! [complete change in demeanour] Oh! My fitbit is saying I just hit 40,000 steps! Nice!

Stacy: [smug] Mine says 50,000.

Evelyn: Quick, there’s a side door over there!

Riley: Yo, humans, through here!

Norm: Oh sweet, a convenient exit.

SOUND: They barrel through a conveniently-placed door and continue running.

Jordan: [growing distant once more] [forced friendliness] I’m getting really tired of chasing after you crazy kids!

Riley: I know this is a tense moment and all, but I’ve got to go on record and say I’m impressed with the battery life of this phone!

Norm: [Breathless] Quick, to my cabin! It’s the closest! And it has the hot tub - so if anyone wants to get naked and maybe do some pre-death skinny dipping, whatever happens, happens, you know?

SOUND: Footsteps on wooden planks, then the sound of a door slamming.

SOUND: Heavy breathing of everyone in a confined space, trying to stay quiet

Riley: [extremely tense, still panting] This better be the last fucking hiding place, because I’m reaching my limit here.

Jordan: [Echoing from outside, calling] Comedy comes in threes, Riley!

Stacy: [Strained whispering] Oh em gee, we are SO gonna die!

Evelyn: [Huffs] Speak for yourself.

Riley: [In the background throughout] I hate this I hate this I hate this… I am not okay.

SOUND: A thump against glass.

Jordan: [Muffled, but close] FOUND YOU!

SOUND: Tinkling happens again.

Riley: Are you fucking kidding me!?

Norm: It’s a nervous tick! Don’t look at me!

Stacy: [sounding resigned] Fuck it. Take Norm! I saw him playing Cookie Clicker earlier!

Norm: Hey--

SOUND: Shuffling of feet, indicating a struggle, the door is opened.

Norm: But the hot tub!

Stacy: Don’t worry, Norm, whatever happens, happens.

SOUND: She pushes him. The door is slammed shut once more. Muffled blunt force trauma sounds. Strings breaking.

Jordan: [Muffled, from the outside] ISN’T THIS MORE WHOLESOME FUN THAN MOBILE APPS, NORM? ISN’T IT?

SOUND: The banging becomes a crunchy splatter.

Riley: I’m, super, super, supersupersupersuper, super over this now.

Stacy: Just shut up and hide! He can’t kill all of us!

Evelyn: [Sounding very worried] Uh… Riley? Why aren’t you hiding…? You’re looking really… twitchy.

Riley: [heavy breathing] I’m done! I’m done with all this shit! I-I can’t! I just-- I’m--

SOUND: Door smashes open.

Jordan: HEEEEERE’S JORDIE-- Oh god, wait!

SOUND: Sounds of struggle, feral animal noises, Jordan screaming, gurgling, a loud thump on wooden floor, blood splatter.

Stacy: Haha ew.

Evelyn: Yeah, I normally just look the other way.

SOUND: The gurgling and struggling stops. There’s a long stretch of silence.

Evelyn: [Clears throat] Feel better, Riley?

SOUND: Riley burps.

Riley: [Satisfied, contented sigh] Much.

Stacy: …Oh my god, wait, if you’re non-binary, does this make me the final girl?

Evelyn: Holy heck… she finally got it!

Riley: I mean, Ev’s already dead so…. Sure, I guess. Knock yourself out.

Stacy: I WON! I’m the final girl! SUCK IT, DAD!

SOUND: Stacy celebrating in the background.

Evelyn: [Sounding calm, happy] So. Wanna head home?

Riley: Yeah. That was actually pretty alright. I’ve had worse experiences in the woods. At least we know who was probably behind all the disappearances around here, even if it wasn't alien-related.

Evelyn: [Hums in agreement] Hey, aren’t you cheesed off you didn’t uncover anything about the Bermuda Triangle?

Riley: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Devastated. But the hunt marches on. [All in one breath] Anyway, I’m gonna call dad now.

Evelyn: Wait! Do you think they’ll need to change the name to “Camp No Counsellors” now that you ate Jordan P?

Riley: Who fucking cares? [Burps] Let's just go home.

SOUND: Phone falls to the ground. Footsteps as Riley and Evelyn walk away.

Stacy: I’m number one! I'm number one! I'm number one!

SOUND: A UFO hovers above.

Stacy: Oh my god, is that a UFO? That's so cool!

SOUND: Tractor-beam noise. Stacy is abducted - Her screams fade.

[A FEW SECONDS OF SILENCE.]

SOUND: Footsteps as Riley approaches.

Riley: Shit, dropped my phone. Lucky catch, I guess. Where’d Stacy go? Whatever. See you next week, everybody!

Evelyn: Stay safe, happy campers!

Riley: Ugh, I never wanna hear that phrase ever again.

SOUND: Riley turns off the recording.

[THE END]

In order to help Evelyn get over her recent romantic catastrophe, Riley summons the ghost of legendary New England horror author Edgar Allan Poe to the basement, though things go about as well as you'd imagine.

+Transcript

Riley: [Attempting to sound cheerful, comes out awkwardly forced] Okay! So, here we go! We’re recording! And that’s… great. Isn’t that great, Ev?

Evelyn: [Sounding despondent and monotone] Yeah. Great.

Riley: Right. Well, as you can all probably tell, Ev is feeling a little gray today.

Evelyn: [Obviously irritated] I’m dead, Riley. I’m always gray. Literally gray. Just like everything else in this soul-suckingly stupid excuse for an afterlife.

Riley: …You know what? I’m just gonna do the intro.

Evelyn: Yeah, you do –

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: That.

Riley: Hey, everybody! You're listening to Less Is Morgue - the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: [Still monotone] And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with Depression.

Riley: [Exasperated and a little guilty] Look, Ev, I said I was sorry, alright? I had no idea that she would… feel that way. [Awkward pause] You know, maybe if she was dead, she’d understand what you went through, and maybe you two would have a chance to patch things up. If you want, I could… you know?

Evelyn: You could what? Oh, God, Riley! PLEASE tell me you did not just offer to eat Olivia?

Riley: Well, it’s better than sitting around and moping all day! Excuse me for trying to take some initiative here!

Evelyn: Initiative? Oh, I’ll give you some initiative, I have your frickin’ initiative RIGHT HERE –

Riley: Okay. This has gone far enough. Ev, I can’t undo what I did, but I think I’ve found something that might make you feel better. Or, I guess, someone.

Evelyn: Is it our guest for the week?

Riley: It is, in fact, our guest for the week. Welcome, one and all, to this week’s episode of Less is Morgue! Today, I’m bringing someone on the show to help Ev deal with her emotions brought on by last week’s episode. Which was in no way my fault, of course.

Evelyn: Are you gonna eat this guy, too? Do we need to make more space in the bathroom?

Riley: I don’t eat everyone I bring into this basement! Besides, I wouldn’t eat this guy even if he was alive. He probably tastes like depression and cheap booze.

Evelyn: Ugh, please tell me you didn’t invite Fleetwood Mac onto our show.

Riley: Fleetwood Mac isn’t dead… yet. But since this guy is, there’s no way to get him here except via…

Evelyn: Oh no, don’t say it.

Riley: Ouija Board!

SOUND: We hear Riley pulling out the board game.

Evelyn: Why does it have blood on it? Have you used this before? What the – is that a fingernail?

Riley: It’s not mine, I swear! I bought this thing on Craigslist.

Evelyn: Riley, you can’t just buy a Ouija Board on Craigslist. Aren't they mysterious, magical items?

Riley: No, Ev, they're shitty, mass-produced Hasbro toys. And this one was free!

Evelyn: Uh, yeah, because it’s clearly been used in some weird murder ritual! Please tell me you didn’t meet with the seller alone.

Riley: Well…

Evelyn: Oh my God, you did. Geez, Riley, what if they’d been a murderer! Or, or… some kind of pervert?!

Riley: You’ve just been brainwashed by all those stupid, eighties, stranger danger PSAs they probably forced you to watch in school. Look, I went out of my way to interact with people to get this stupid Ouija board so I can make you feel better about your dumb ex-girlfriend, so can we just get on with it?

Evelyn: Fine. But if you summon another demon, I’m not helping you. Riley: This guy isn’t a demon! Or…well…okay, let’s just say there’s no verifiable proof that he’s a demon. Alright? Evelyn: Oh, for… let’s just get this over with.

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn setting up the board game.

Evelyn: So, how do we do this, anyway?

Riley: I don’t know, this thing didn’t exactly come with instructions.

Evelyn: Why can't I just ask him, like I did with Blackbeard?

Riley: Because that’d totally ruin the surprise. Let’s just put our hands on the planchette and ask if this guy’s here. Evelyn: Well, seeing as I don’t know who this guy is…

Riley: Then I’ll do the talking. A moment of silence, please.

[BEAT]

Riley: Oh, spirits. Are you there? Can you hear me? If you can, move the planchette to ‘Yes.’

Evelyn: …nothing’s happening. Where's Erik D’Corah when you need him?

Riley: Give it a minute. Hello? Is anyone out there? Like maybe the supernatural FBI? Do you guys listen in on Ouija board conversations? Do you record them?

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, Riley, there is no such thing as a supernatural FBI!

Riley: How would you know? I mean, death has its own bureaucratic system, it even has a post office - why wouldn’t it have an FBI?

Evelyn: Wait, we have a post office?

Riley: Don’t you? Isn’t that how we’ve been getting all those boxes of dried blood delivered?

Evelyn: What are you—OMG! Look! The planchette is moving!!

Riley: It says yes! Okay, Great Spirits who are totally definitely not government affiliated in any way, shape, or form-

Evelyn: RILEY.

Riley: Right, okay. We’d like to speak to… Edgar Allan Poe!

Evelyn: I’m sorry, we’d like to speak to WHO?

SOUND: Flames.

Evelyn: IT’S ON FIRE. THE BOARD IS ON FIRE.

Riley: I’m reasonably certain it’s not meant to do that. Quick, get some water, put it out!

Evelyn: Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll just go ahead and do that with my non-corporeal body, I see no problem with that brilliant plan!

Riley: You know, maybe this would go better if you would take the non-corporeal stick out of your non-corporeal butt for two minutes you little—

SOUND: A loud boom is heard.

Poe: No, no, no. This is wrong. This is absolutely wrong.

Riley: Uh… Hi? Is it… are you Mr. Poe?

Poe: No, I’m Rufus Griswold. Of course, I’m Poe! You literally just called me. And you’ve done it all wrong!

Evelyn: Aha! I knew we should’ve Googled this! How are we supposed to do it, anyway?

Poe: Well, for starters, the setting is off. If I’m going to grace you with my presence, I expect a table draped in a black velvet cloth, some blood red candles, and at least a little ominous chanting. And your clothes! What on earth are you two wearing?

Riley: Hey, man, I didn’t have time to do laundry today.

Poe: You could have at least put on something black.

Riley: Black isn’t my color, it washes me out.

Poe: Well at least something would be getting washed. And you! What on earth is a Nickelback and why is its name printed on your shirt?

Evelyn: Oh, dude, you are missing out on the best band of all time! Hold on, I bet I can find some CDs…

Riley: No, no, absolutely not! We’re getting off-track here! I didn’t call up Edgar Allan Poe—

Poe: Ugh, please, just call me Edgar. Or Edgar Poe. Allan was my father’s name.

Riley: FINE. I didn’t call EDGAR POE here to give us wardrobe advice! He is here because you are miserably heartbroken and he is going to fix it!

---

Poe: I am?

Riley: YES. You wrote some of the most depressing romantic tragedies of all time.

Poe: Oh, come on, they weren’t that depressing.

Evelyn: Well, actually…

Poe: I can’t help it if other people can’t appreciate the negative emotions that come with being alive!

Evelyn: Or dead. Not sure if you noticed, but I’m kind of dead here and I still have emotions.

Riley: Which is exactly the problem! Hey, is there some way to get rid of those for dead people? Maybe Evelyn’s death was defective, can you fix it?

Evelyn: You know what, Riley, we really need to talk about your social skills.

Riley: Again? I’m trying to heal your heartbreak here!

Evelyn: Well… I don’t know if I’d say I’m heartbroken, but…

Riley: You cried in the bathroom for three hours yesterday. Even Jon felt bad for you, and Jon pretty much hates both of us.

Evelyn: I don’t know, I think he’s starting to come around. Pizza Ghost Jon: [From inside the bathroom] No, no I’m not.

Evelyn: Rats.

Poe: My dear, this is just splendid! Heartbreak is the great equalizer.

Riley: I thought that was death.

Poe: You say that as though there is any difference. You see, each and every one of us will experience heartbreak in our lives. And in our deaths. And though it be painful, it is also beautiful, in a way. The grief that comes from loving someone is a tribute, not to them, but to you and your own heart. To the love that you give away and the love that is taken from you. Now, tell me. Your heartbreak. Is it because death has separated you and your true love?

Evelyn: Well… that’s… sort of what happened, I guess, but… Poe: Excellent! This truly is a blessing to you. Why, the sheer force of your feelings can move you to do great things! You can wander the halls of your ancestral home, weeping and wailing until the very animals begin to die around you, tortured to death by your screams that only they can hear.

Evelyn: I don’t exactly have an ancestral home. I grew up in a two-bedroom house in St Marks.

Poe: Oh. Well, no matter, then. You can weep and wail outside the home of your beloved! She will go mad in her grief and eventually, in her insanity, come join you in the afterlife. Which may be a bit of an awkward conversation, sure, but you might get a few good poems out of the deal. Perhaps even a publishing deal! It’s a trade-off.

Evelyn: That’s sort of the problem, Mr. Poe. My beloved… she… doesn’t love me anymore.

Poe: What on earth do you mean?

Evelyn: Well, it’s been sixteen years since that fateful Nickelback concert. And she’s… she’s moved on.

Poe: Moved on? I don’t understand the concept.

Evelyn: She’s dating someone else.

Poe: But… she’s in love with you. She is your beloved and you are hers. If she loves you, how can she be with someone else? Why, it’s almost as if she doesn’t love you. Maybe never loved you, even.

Evelyn: Ouch.

Riley: Wow, I guess I’m not the only one who needs a little help with social cues.

Evelyn: Look, she did love me—

Poe: I don’t get it, are you trying to say—

Riley: Really, this is not a hard concept—

SOUND: They talk over each other and argue about the permanence (or lack thereof) of love before being interrupted.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Doorbell.

Todd: It’s hard to be a member of the dead in a world dominated by the living. Products and services designed for the living sometimes just don’t cut it. Being able to access the outside world – even when you’re trapped in your grave or supernaturally forbidden from leaving your home – is a necessity for the modern monster.

That’s why I’ve started my newest company, Door-to-Door Death-liveries. If you can think of it, we can deliver it! From severed heads to homemade coffins, still-beating hearts to demonic black cats, we cater to all your haunting, wailing, and sulking needs. Not convinced? Just listen to these glowing customer testimonials!

Customer One: What the hell is this? I didn’t order a truckload of leeches. What the hell am I supposed to do with these? I don’t even have blood to feed them with!

Customer Two: I, uh… I guess I didn’t really need a start-your-own apothecary kit, but I guess it might be kind of cool to make my own arsenic capsules. So… thanks?

Customer Three: [Indistinct screaming and begging.]

Todd: Sign up for Door-to-Door Death-liveries today using the coupon code Less Is Morgue and receive your first five deliveries free! If you’re not satisfied, we’ll even refund your money and let you keep your product!

Customer Three: Please, dear God, take it back, you can have my money, just get this thing off of me, oh God, it’s got my eyes…

Todd: Ah, the sweet sounds of materialistic satisfaction. Don’t get stuck in the Dark Ages of DIY hauntings – order your haunting supplies today!

SOUND: More indistinct screaming, creepy laughter.

[END WEIRD AD TIME]

Poe: Okay. Alright. So, let’s just go over this one more time.

Riley: Oh, for the love of To—

Poe: You’re telling me that after a mere sixteen years apart, your girlfriend has fallen in love with somebody else? Evelyn: You know, every time you say that out loud, a little part of me dies.

Riley: Well, technically—

Evelyn: Don’t make me hit you.

Poe: And after your death, she never once slept by your grave?

Evelyn: Not that I’m aware of.

Poe: She didn’t go mad with grief?

Evelyn: Looked pretty sane to me.

Poe: She didn’t wall a cat inside your grave?

Riley: Jesus, dude, what is your problem?

Evelyn: NO, SHE DID NOT. She mourned me and she moved on. Can we take a page from her book and move on from this topic now? Please?

Poe: Evelyn… may I call you that?

Evelyn: I guess?

Poe: Evelyn, you are selling yourself far too short.

Evelyn: I… am?

Poe: Look at you. You’re a young, attractive ghost with a depth of feeling that nobody but us artists can truly appreciate. Yet you sit here and waste your beautiful grief on someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. You’re better than that. You deserve somebody who would swallow laudanum just to be with you in the afterlife! The point is that life – and death – are too precious to spend pining over someone who wouldn’t go to the ends of insanity to be with you.

Evelyn: Wow. That’s… actually really beautiful. In a sick, twisted kind of way.

Poe: Everything worthwhile in life is a little sick and twisted.

Riley: Seems like sort of a bad precedent to set, but you’ve got a point. She really isn’t good enough for you if she can just get over you just because you’re dead.

Evelyn: Wow, this is… a lot to take in. It’s just… I’ve spent so long being heartsick over her. For the past sixteen years, I’ve thought of her every day. I’ve wished to see her, thought of all the ways I’d like to apologize and make it up to her. I always thought I’d wait until her death and then we’d be together again. But all those tears, all that time… it was for nothing. She moved on and I didn’t and now I’m stuck.

[A moment of silence.]

Evelyn: I just wish I knew what to do now.

Riley: Look, Ev. I don’t really know much about this kind of stuff. You know I’m not good with people. Or creatures. Or most inanimate objects. And this is all sort of my fault so maybe I shouldn’t be saying anything, anyway. But… well, I don’t think you have to decide that today.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: You don’t have to decide what comes next just yet. Nobody really knows what to do and moving on is tough. It takes time and it hurts. If you don’t know what to do, well, that’s okay. You don’t have to know today.

Evelyn: Wow, Riley. That means a lot to me. Thank you. [Tears up]

Riley: [Groans] Don’t cry, I hate crying, I never know how to deal with crying.

Evelyn: [Wailing exaggeratedly] I knew you cared about me! All along you’ve pretended to hate me but you secretly totally love me!

Riley: Ugh, you are SO GROSS, I should’ve just let you mope!

Evelyn: [Sniffling] You know, you’re wrong about one thing. This wasn’t your fault. In fact, I think what you did was a good thing. Now, I know that she’s moved on and doesn’t want to see me again. And because I know that, I can move on, too. I just… don’t know how long it will take. Hey, Edgar, how did you move on when your wife died?

Poe: I didn’t, obviously. She was my one and only. I wallowed in grief and alcohol until my untimely and mysterious death, a fitting tribute to my life and her death.

Evelyn: Oh. Right.

Poe: I also worked through my grief with writing. Being able to express my feelings through poetry and short stories was very important for my mental health.

Riley: Hey, uh, no offense, but I really don’t think you’re the poster child of mental health.

Poe: What? How dare you!

Riley: Hey, I said no offense!

Poe: That doesn’t actually make your statement any less offensive.

Riley: Well, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend you were a sane and healthy person! You literally tried to kill yourself, like, a million times.

Poe: That is a gross exaggeration.

Riley: You’re a gross exaggeration!

Poe: Oh, quite clever, aren’t you? Did you get your insults from schoolchildren?

Riley: I’ll have you know that I don’t go anywhere near kids! I may eat people, but even I have morals!...Sort of!

Evelyn: Wait, sort of?

Riley: I mean…okay, you know what? Nobody’s perfect, so don’t get all judgmental on me!

Evelyn: Riley, if you tell me you ate a kid, I am going to get very much extremely judgmental and we are going to have a long talk—

Riley: It wasn’t like it was a whole kid! Maybe, just, sort of, part of a kid?

Evelyn: RILEY!

Riley: Come on, it’s not like he needed both his arms!

Poe: Good God!

Riley: Can it, Mopey McMope-face. I’m really starting to regret inviting you here.

Evelyn: Oh, come on, Riley, he’s been helpful! Mostly.

Poe: What do you mean, mostly? I’ve yet to give you questionable advice. Might I remind you two that you brought me here.

Evelyn: You’re right, you’re right. We’ll lay off. Won’t we, Riley?

Riley: [Grumbling.]

Evelyn: RILEY.

Riley: Okay, fine, yes, we’ll lay off.

Poe: Good. Now, I may have just the solution for you, my dear, if only you’ll hear me out.

Evelyn: Really?! Okay, I’m listening!

Poe: You feel your life is now directionless without your lost love, that you’ve no purpose, and no way to move forward.

Evelyn: Yes…

Poe: What if I told you there was a way to find meaning in life once again? A way to become the person – or, well, the ghost – that you’ve always wanted to be?

Evelyn: I’m listening…

Poe: It’s very simple. You see, in my afterlife, I’ve created a lovely organization that gives hope and help to people just like you.

Evelyn: Just like me?!

Riley: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Poe: It’s called Black Cat Beauty! It’s very simple, here’s how it works. For just a one-time payment of $100, I will give you all the tools necessary to sell my wife’s lovely, one-of-a-kind ghostly jewelry.

Riley: Why is this starting to feel like a terrible ad?

Poe: You’ll become your own self-made entrepreneur! You can set your own hours and find your own clients. Best of all, you can recruit other people to the company!

Riley: Wait a minute…

Poe: For every ten people who become part of your downline, you can—

Riley: HOLD ON A MINUTE.

Poe: What?

Evelyn: What?

Riley: This is a multi-level marketing scheme! Are you kidding me right now?!

Evelyn: A what?

Riley: He’s trying to get you to shill his products for him, ultimately making him a lot of money, while you end up with nothing, or less!

Evelyn: What are you talking about? If I’m selling it, how would I lose money?

Riley: Oh my God, Ev, you are so naïve. It basically works like a pyramid scheme – most of the money goes right to the top, and in the end, you’ll be left with nothing.

Poe: That’s absurd! Listen, if you sell enough jewelry, you could become rich, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Really?!

Riley: No! Of course not!

Evelyn: How would you know?

Riley: How many people are a part of your little “business,” Edgar?

Poe: Well… alright, it’s a new venture. Okay? It’s only Lenore and I right now. But we’re going to get big, really big! Just you wait!

Riley: And are you and your wife rich?

Poe: Oh, so money is all you two care about, isn’t it?

Riley: Why would she care about money?! SHE’S DEAD.

Evelyn: Oh… yeah, that’s right. What would I even do with the money?

Poe: Well, you can… you know… you could buy… you know what? I don’t have time for this. If you don’t want to sign up, that’s fine, you can go ahead and waste your afterlife in a meaningless sludge of the constant passage of time. But one day you’re going to hear about Black Cat Beauty and you’re going to regret passing us up!

SOUND: Poe disappears in a puff of smoke.

Evelyn: Well, that went well.

Riley: I’m telling you, it’s a scam.

Evelyn: You think everything’s a scam.

Riley: That’s because most things are!

Evelyn: Seems like a weird thing for Edgar Allan Poe to sell, though. Jewelry? Really?

Riley: Well, did you see the guy? He seems pretty dramatic. It was probably all super gaudy and ridiculous.

Evelyn: I feel kind of bad for him, though. Maybe I should’ve bought something.

Riley: You can’t be serious!

Evelyn: Just to make him feel better! I mean, he came all this way and talked me through my breakup. I could’ve at least gotten a necklace or something.

Riley: You don’t wear necklaces.

Evelyn: I could!

Riley: I’ve literally never seen you wear one.

Evelyn: Okay, fine, maybe I don’t. But I could’ve got one for you to wear!

Riley: I don't do accessories, unless that time an ant colony developed in my ponytail counts.

Evelyn: Oh… yeah… I remember that. On second thought, I think I like you without the accessories.

Riley: That’s what I thought.

[A pause.]

Riley: Hey, Ev?

Evelyn: Yeah?

Riley: I really am sorry for what happened.

Evelyn: It’s okay, I forgive you. It was probably for the best.

Riley: That doesn’t mean it feels good.

Evelyn: No… it doesn’t. I’m sorry that I’ll probably be moping around for a little while longer.

Riley: That’s okay. I think I can handle that.

Evelyn: Oh, well. It just means you’ll have to be the peppy one on the show

Riley: Ugh. Hard pass.

Evelyn: C’mon! I can teach you how to make super cool pop culture references!

Riley: None of your references are cool!

Evelyn: How dare you! You’ve impugned my honor!

Riley: The only thing I’ve impugned is your delusions!

Evelyn: Don’t tell me how to live my death!

[THE END]