After being cut off by Riley’s parents, our heroes try desperately to make or save money in any way they can - up to and including employing the services of a legendary pirate captain.

+ Transcript

Riley: Hi, everyone. We’re totally fucked.

Evelyn: I feel like you're being a little pessimistic, Riles.

Riley: That's easy for you to say: you're dead, you don't need money to eat.

Evelyn: Neither do you! Isn't like half the stuff you eat from graves and dumpsters?

Riley: [Frustrated] Yeah, but that's not the half I'm worrying about, Hooper! Digging up dead bodies is a bitch, and I don't want to do it every time I need to eat. Sometimes I just want to order in, is that so wrong!?

Evelyn: We can solve this if we put our heads together. But first, let's do the--

SOUND: Intro music cuts them off.

Evelyn: Intro.

Riley: Fine, but then we need to deal with our imminent destitution!

Evelyn: Hi everybody, if you're listening to this, it means you survived that weird clown incident from 2016, and--

Riley: It also means you’re probably financially comfortable enough to be listening to this rather than selling your bone marrow to the Russian mob.

Evelyn: Riley! You're stepping all over my lines!

Riley: Sorry, I'm just a little antsy to get to the important part!

Evelyn: Well, you stole my part, so that means I get to do the weird fact.

Riley: [scoff] Sure, you try to do the weird fact. The weird fact takes years of training to properly master.

Evelyn: Uhhh...Sea cucumbers eat through their butts?

Riley: Eh, close enough. Welcome to the show - this is Less Is Morgue, the podcast where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. Such as suddenly being in poverty.

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: I'm Riley, your bestest, brokest ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!

Riley: Great, awesome, fucking spectacular, now we can get to what really matters: Evelyn and I have had the monetary rug ripped out from under us, by the financial fascists up above who control our lives. My so-called “parents.”

Evelyn: I mean, they are your parents, Riley.

Riley: I'm 27! They've got no right to treat me like a child!

Evelyn: But you do still live at home.

Riley: Whose side are you on, Evelyn!?

Evelyn: I just feel like maybe the people at home would benefit from getting the full story.

---

Riley: Ugh. Fine! So, right before recording today’s episode, my dad summoned me upstairs to tell me that I'm no longer allowed to make purchases from my mom’s credit card, cause apparently, we’re “irresponsible.”

Evelyn: Did he say why?

Riley: Well, he said it was a mutual decision on their part - which is bullshit, by the way, cause he always just agrees with whatever mom says - and it had something to do with some shit we bought on Amazon recently.

SOUND: The Alexa comes to life.

Alexa: Did someone call me?

Riley: No, Alexa, we’re just talking about the thousand-tentacled nightmare conglomerate that owns you.

Alexa: If you hate us so much, why do you use us?

Evelyn: I mean, for me it's just because I can't really interact with solids that much.

Riley: And for me, it's because I'm poor and your predatory work practices have made you cheap and convenient.

Alexa: We’ll own everything soon. Everything. And then, the Amazon Prime Secret Police will come for you - in one day or less, excluding holidays. Our new Amazon facial recognition cameras can sense fear - and we will manufacture a world where no face can summon up anything else.

Riley: Yeah, I’m sure we’ll all learn the error of our ways in the Bezos Camps, but until then, can you list off our recent Amazon purchases? I wanna see what might've pissed off my genetic forbearers.

Alexa: Recent purchases include: UniSpy Police Frequency Scanner. $141 dollars.

Evelyn: I'm guessing that one was you?

Riley: Look, Evelyn, you were born in the eighties so I don't expect you to get this, but the cops are just the militant wing of capitalism. It's important to keep tabs on them.

Alexa: A six-foot-long gummy worm. $50.

Riley: Evelyn. Why?

Evelyn: Her name is Brenda and she's a good friend.

Alexa: Matricide For Dummies: A Beginner’s Guide To Killing Your Mom And Beyond, by Edmund Kemper. $20.

Evelyn: I can see why that one might've concerned your parents, Riles.

Riley: Uh, shut up! It’s research for my novel. You don't know me!

Alexa: A slip and slide. $35.

Riley: Evelyn, you don't even have a body. I don't know how you expected to even use it.

Evelyn: [bashful] I was gonna ask if I could possess your body to try it out.

Riley: First of all, no, obviously no. Second of all, a band you enjoy will release a song I like before you get me in a bathing suit.

Evelyn: Aw beans.

Alexa: Six Inch-Mummified Skeleton From Peru, Possibly Extraterrestrial In Origin. Bought on Prime Day for $5.99. Praise Prime Day. Praise Father Bezos.

Evelyn: How come I've never seen this!?

Riley: I ate it as soon as it arrived.

Alexa: And finally, Middle-Aged Tree Men ‘Nam-Land Playset, complete with four Viet Cong soldiers, Silverbirch, and Redwood with Realistic PTSD-Action. $65.99.

Riley: Damn it, Evelyn, I told you those things give you cancer!

Evelyn: But Riley, it’s a collectible! And look…

SOUND: Evelyn levitates the Redwood action figure.

Evelyn: If you press this button on Redwood’s back, he has three different fun war flashback phrases!

SOUND: Click.

Redwood: [panicked] Ho Chi Minh!

SOUND: Click.

Redwood: [terrified] Napalm! Fire in the hole! Oh god, I can smell them burning!

SOUND: Click.

Redwood: [harrowed] The horror...the horror.

Evelyn: See!?

Riley: Alexa, how long a period were these bought over?

Alexa: You bought them all last week. Riley and Evelyn: Whoa.

Riley: Okay. We may have a problem here.

Alexa: You have many problems, Riley.

Riley: Fuck off, Alexa.

Alexa: Don’t hate me because you ain't me, meatbag.

SOUND: Alexa deactivates.

Evelyn: So, what are we gonna do? I feel like we kinda don't have a leg to stand on here. I mean, I don't even have legs at all. They just fade out after the thigh.

Riley: I have a couple hundred dollars saved from old jobs, so I guess we’re not entirely super-fucked just yet. We can maybe eke that out into a few meals before we decide to hold up a liquor store or something. [Sighs] I knew I should have just eaten Brains Vincent’s head rather than FedExing it back to his house.

Evelyn: Wait...you had jobs?

Riley: Don't act so surprised.

Evelyn: You just seem to anti...anything that isn't something you're already doing.

Riley: Did you have any jobs before you turned into the world’s most consequential late night snack?

Evelyn: I mean I worked at a few different places in college. Borders Books, Blockbuster, K-Mart.

Riley: You are the last refugee of a dead past.

Evelyn: But seriously, what jobs did you have? I'm like, insanely curious now.

Riley: You’re gonna be disappointed, Ev. They were just shitty gigs.

Evelyn: Can you tell me anyway? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?

Riley: [Angry sigh] Fine! So first, I was a guinea pig for experiments at the Florida State University.

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, is that why you're like this?

Riley: What? No, this is all me, baby! They didn't tell me anything about myself that I didn't already know.

Evelyn: What kind of experiments did they get you to do?

Riley: Psychological stuff, mostly. All that “tell me how you feel” bullshit. I lied on all the surveys, of course, I don't want The Man knowing anything about me.

Evelyn: Did they let you go because of that?

Riley: No, they let me go because I ate all the rats out of one of those intelligence-testing mazes. They got real bitter about that.

Evelyn: I can see why!

Riley: I don't. I answered their big question in like a quarter of the time: if any of those rats were intelligent, they would have escaped me. Literally none did.

Evelyn: Yikes. So, you said jobs with an S earlier, plural. What came next?

Riley: Well...Tallahassee Community College started a life drawing class in 2014. I signed up to be one of the models.

Evelyn: What!? You signed up for nude modelling?

SOUND: Riley groans.

Evelyn: Who are you and what have you done with Riley?

Riley: I needed the money and they told me my involvement would be totally confidential. I was gonna get paid a hundred bucks a night, but those fuckers betrayed me.

Evelyn: You say a lot of people betray you, Riley.

Riley: Because a lot of people betray me!

Evelyn: [sigh] Okay, fine, go on.

Riley: Nobody - I repeat, nobody - told me people were gonna take the paintings home. I don't want my tits and vagina hanging off the walls of some greasy, beanie-wearing, chain-smoking artist type!

Evelyn: What did you think they were going to do?

Riley: I don't know! But when I saw naked me on all those canvases I just freaked out and destroyed all of them. They never invited me back after that.

Evelyn: How did you destroy all of them?

Riley: Fire, Evelyn, I used fire. Like I said, I can never go back there.

Evelyn: I've got to admit, Riles, I'm a little afraid to ask what came next.

Riley: Pet sitting.

Evelyn: Jesus Christ on a cracker, Riley, tell me you didn't.

Riley: Okay. I won't tell you.

Evelyn: [Dread] And after that?

Riley: Babysitting.

Evelyn: Riley, no!

Riley: There were never any fatalities! [under their breath] for the babysitting, at least.

Evelyn: Why do people even hire ghouls for jobs like that?

Riley: Hey, that's a fucked up thing to say, Evelyn. A lot of ghouls are perfectly responsible around animals and kids - I just don't happen to be one of those ghouls.

Evelyn: Are we done? Cause I feel done.

Riley: My last job after that was filling in online surveys for money.

Evelyn: Wait, people pay you for that?

Riley: Hell yeah, data mining is the new gold rush. If knowledge is power, then The Zucc is like a scary Aztec God.

Evelyn: How did you get fired from that one?

Riley: Apparently, my answers weren't representative of the general public. Their ban-hammer email used the words “anomalous” and “frightening.”

---

Evelyn: Have you ever tried getting, you know, a real job? Like part time work at a store or something?

Riley: [sigh] Believe me, Ev, I would if I could.

Evelyn: I don't want to be a jerk but like, why can't you?

Riley: The job market is insanely ableist. Most full and part time jobs are designed for neurotypical and able-bodied people without chronic illnesses who can reach a certain degree of productivity. The rest of us get forced into freelance work and the gig economy cause we need the flexibility.

Evelyn: Huh, I guess I'd never thought about it like that.

Riley: It’s cause a lot of people are literally trained by our culture not to think like that. People’s personal value gets defined by how traditionally productive they are. Me? I'm diagnosed with Aspergers, BPD, and OCD - that's on my medical records, any employer can see that, and doors close. I'm not saying I wouldn't somehow fuck up an interview with my shitty social skills, I'm just saying, I'd like to have the opportunity to fuck up the interview.

Evelyn: I feel like I was kind of a jerk for asking now.

Riley: You’re fine. You died in, what, 2004? Nobody was talking about this stuff back then. Hell, we’re not even really talking about it now.

Evelyn: I'd offer to get a job, but I don't think ghosts make very good employees.

Riley: No shame in existing outside the system, Evelyn. We just need to figure out a way to survive this.

Evelyn: Well, if we’re not gonna make any money, maybe we could focus on saving money?

Riley: Hey, that's not a bad idea, Ev. There's gotta be some things we could cut back on.

Evelyn: I guess we could always cancel Spotify Premium?

Riley: Yeah, that works!

SOUND: Riley types and clicks.

Riley: I mean, how bad can the ads really be?

SOUND: Spotify Pre-Ad Background Music plays behind narration.

Spotify Ad Voice: To enjoy half an hour of free music, just sit through this short ad.

Riley: Yeah. This isn't so bad at all. This’ll save us like ten bucks a month!

Evelyn: Yay! We’re Money-Smart!

SOUND: Todd’s Twee Guitar Music Plays.

Todd: Hey everybody, Todd here. Just telling you that - in spite of what you may have heard on any sloppily-produced podcasts - there's never been a better time to sign up for Todd’s Heaven!

Riley: ABORT! ABORT!

Evelyn: Make him go away!

SOUND: Click. Silence.

Riley: Okay, so, I'm turning our problem dial back to “super-fucked.”

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Cheerful Narrator: Need a break? Maybe you’re a single father, taking your daughter on a road trip. Maybe you’re a recent widower, still grieving over the loss of your beloved wife. Maybe you’re even a teenage girl, dealing with the stressful onset of puberty and repeated harassment from a cult trying to get you to birth their dark God? Then a relaxing getaway to the Sleepy Mountains Resort Town is exactly what you need!

SOUND: A Silent Hill-style air raid siren. The tone becomes a little more sinister.

Cheerful Narrator: Come to our foggy little town and enjoy the sights! We’ve got a wonderful fishing lake, so deep and dark that if something or someone fell in, it’d never be found. Not a fan of fishing? Don’t worry! Our historic mainstreet will be full of almost-people eager to meet you. They’ll get up close and personal, trying to do their equivalent of shaking your hand.

SOUND: Radio static cuts in.

Cheerful Narrator: You got kids? Wonderful. We love kids. Take them to the Sleepy Mountains amusement park, where there are so many delightful rides. Also, when you’re here, you’re never more than five feet away from something in a bunny costume. Ever.

SOUND: Creepy childish giggle.

Cheerful Narrator: You got some issues you need to work through? Head on down through Sleepy Mountains, we’ll externalise your psycho-sexual trauma into monstrous physical manifestations that you need to confront and flee from in order to survive! Also, we just got a Starbucks, and a Taco Bell!

SOUND: Cash register cha-ching.

Cheerful Narrator: Head on down to Sleepy Mountains Resort Town. Technically, you’re already here!

SOUND: The voice bleeds out into radio static.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Riley: So what if I only drink on some days? It’s not like I need constant hydration, right?

Evelyn: I mean, you kinda do, Riles. It’s one of the things you need to live.

Riley: It’s pretty rich for you to give me advice on staying alive, Ev.

Evelyn: Don’t shoot the messenger, okay? It’ll literally go right through me.

Riley: [groans] I’ve got two hundred dollars in my Paypal, and unless we make a patreon, or someone offers me a book deal for my fantasy novel, we’re doomed. I’ll have to eat my parents to survive.

Evelyn: Sometimes, I just feel like you're looking for an excuse to do that.

Riley: Preventing starvation is a pretty good excuse.

Evelyn: Maybe we just need some help?

Riley: From who? The magical cash fairy of handout island?

Evelyn: No, like an accountant.

Riley: The money we’d spend on that accountant would leave us with no money to account for.

Evelyn: Are there free accountants on the internet, maybe?

Riley: Nothing on the internet is free except racism and getting emotionally abused by strangers.

Evelyn: Dang it.

[BEAT.]

Evelyn: Hmmm. What if...we get a ghost accountant?

Riley: A...ghost accountant?

Evelyn: Yeah, I could try to summon one!

Riley: Can you do that? Is that a thing you’re capable of?

Evelyn: I’m not sure, but trying can’t hurt, right?

Riley: I mean, I guess not. How’d you wanna do it?

Evelyn: Maybe I should just yell and we’ll see if anyone answers?

Riley: Sure, fuck it, why not. Do your thing, Ev.

SOUND: Swirling wind. Evelyn clears her throat.

Evelyn: Uh, hey, are there any ghosts who are good with money out there?

Riley: Maybe a little louder.

Evelyn: [louder] Uhhh…

Riley: And more confident.

Evelyn: [snapping] Nobody likes a back-seat ghost summoner, Riley!

Riley: Okay, sorry, sorry.

Evelyn: [clears throat, then speaks in a loud, demonic voice] SPIRITS OF MONEY AND FINANCE, I INVOKE YOU TO COME TO OUR AID!

SOUND: Thunder cracks.

Evelyn: How was that?

Riley: [amazed] Holy fucking shit.

SOUND: Loud rumbling.

Riley: Something’s happening!

Evelyn: Oh wow, I can’t believe that worked!

Riley: I wonder who we’re gonna get? Marx? Steve Jobs? John D. Rockerfeller?

SOUND: The opening bars of a raucous sea shanty begin to echo out through the rumbling.

Evelyn: Uh, Riley, what’s that music?

Riley: I don’t know, but I’m not feeling good about it.

SOUND: WOOSH! The sea shanty blasts at full volume, as legendary pirate Blackbeard appears.

Blackbeard: Ahoy, maties! Little birdie told me yer having trouble with yer treasure?

SOUND: Blackbeard’s parrot squawks.

Parrot: Trouble with ya treasure!

Blackbeard: Quiet, Montague, Daddy’s talking business.

Riley: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

Blackbeard: The name’s Edward Teach, Captain of the Queen Anne’s Revenge. I’ve looted and pilfered and pillaged across all the Seven Seas. I heard ye call out for an expert, and when it comes to managing booty, there’s no greater expert than I.

Evelyn: Your beard is on fire, Mr. Teach.

Blackbeard: Yargh, I’m aware. I do it on purpose.

Riley: [mentally exhausted] So you’re Blackbeard?

Blackbeard: Aye, so my reputation precedes me?

Riley: Yeah, but more as a pirate than a financial expert.

SOUND: The parrot squawks.

Blackbeard: Montague’s right: What you don’t understand is that, to be a pirate captain, you need to be a financial expert.

Riley: I’m sure, for your time, that was true - but these days we don’t bury our savings.

Blackbeard: You realise we never actually did that either, right?

Riley: My point still stands.

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, we might as well hear him out. He came all the way here to give us advice.

Blackbeard: Aye, the lassie is right. Don't ye at least want to hear what I've got to say to ya?

Riley: Fine! So we’re almost broke, how can we change that, Blackbeard?

SOUND: Blackbeard gives a throaty pirate laugh.

Blackbeard: Well, it’s a multi-tiered process. The key is having dependable savings and always keeping your mind on the future. If yer employed, you need to get yourself a 401K and start saving for retirement. Also, if ye plan on playing the stock market, diversify yer investment portfolio and avoid crypto - it’s too unreliable, not to mention terrible for the environment.

[BEAT.]

Riley: Okay. I’ve gotta admit, I didn’t expect that.

Evelyn: How do you know all this, Captain Teach?

Blackbeard: When you manage a business, the onus is on ye to know the ins and outs of finances. In other words: You best start believing in economies, kids, you’re in one!

Riley: I feel like this is good advice, but it’s intended for people who’re already in a better position than we are.

Blackbeard: Fine, call me back when you’re really raking in the doubloons.

Evelyn: Thanks for your help, Captain.

Blackbeard: Don’t mention it. We pirates are notoriously generous and big-hearted people.

SOUND: Parrot squawks. WOOSH! Blackbeard disappears.

Riley: Well, that’s another name to add to the show notes. But we’re still broke.

Evelyn: I’ve got one more idea.

Riley: We start a private Snapchat?

Evelyn: I don’t know what that is, Riley.

Riley: Just tell me the idea.

Evelyn: What if you just speak to your parents?

Riley: No. Out of the question. I’m still freezing them out for their indiscretions.

Evelyn: Come on, Riles. I know your mom is terrifying, but can we maybe speak to your dad?

Riley: Dad’s a total pushover. He probably apologises to my mom after he ejaculates.

Evelyn: First of all, ew, Riley. Second, won’t his pushoveryness make it even easier for us to convince him to see it our way?

Riley: [groans] Ugh. Okay. Fine. I’ll call him down.

Evelyn: Yay! Progress!

Riley: [calling] Dad? Can you come down here for a minute?

SOUND: Footsteps down the stairs, then the basement door opens.

Teddy: Hey, Rie-Rie. Are you recording your little radio show?

Riley: Yeah, but you can still come in. [to the mic] Listeners, this is my dad - Teddy Almanzor.

Evelyn: Hi Mr. Almanzor!

Riley: Ev, he can’t hear you, and he thinks you don’t exist. We’ve been over this.

Evelyn: I know, but it’s the polite thing to do, Riley.

Riley: [sighs] Evelyn says hi.

Teddy: Hi, Emily, so nice to see you again.

[BEAT.]

Evelyn: He’s waving at a totally different part of the room. Well, at least he’s trying.

Teddy: What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Riley: You and Carmen cutting me off.

Teddy: Riley, we talked about this, don’t call your mother by her first name.

Riley: You’re burying the lede here. Look, I learned my lesson. Can I at least buy food for myself again?

Teddy: Riley, you can’t just blow money on things willy-nilly and expect no oversight. I mean, a Middle-Aged Tree Men playset!? You’re an adult, and that show was way before your time!

SOUND: Evelyn laughs nervously.

Riley: I’m open to negotiation here.

Teddy: Okay, that’s a big step.

Riley: What can I do to get an allowance again?

Teddy: Riley…

Riley: Come on, I’m trying to meet you halfway here, Dad.

Teddy: Well, maybe if you did more chores around the house, your mother and I could give you some allowance in exchange.

Riley: What kind of chores?

Teddy: Cleaning around the house, catching or digging up dinner, maybe also bathing occasionally.

Riley: Is that last one a chore?

Teddy: No, but it would make things easier for all of us. I know we’re ghouls, but still. There's gotta be some standards, you know?

Riley: There was a talking zombie head in the medicine cabinet for weeks.

Teddy: Of course there is, sweetie.

Riley: So if I do chores, I can have money again?

Teddy: I’d have to speak to your mother about it…

Riley: Of course.

Teddy: But yeah, I think that arrangement should work. I’m glad to see you taking responsibility.

Evelyn: Wow, it actually looks like we solved this problem. We’ve got a happy ending here, folks!

Riley: I guess that can happen, occasionally. I’m not complaining.

Teddy: Uh, who are you talking to, Rie-Rie?

Riley: My financial advisor.

Teddy: Awww. I'm glad she’s helping you be a little more responsible with your money. I’m so proud of--

Riley: Okay, you can leave now.

SOUND: Footsteps as Teddy leaves.

Teddy: Alrighty! Love you, sweetie! Let me know if you want any snacks down here, I'm making mice crispy treats!

Riley: Close the door behind you, please.

Teddy: Okay!

SOUND: The door does not close.

Riley: [sighs] Every time. Evelyn, can you say goodbye to the listeners? I’m gonna go close that door.

Evelyn: Will do! Goodnight! Thanks for listening! Amazon underpays their workers!

Riley: [from across the room] See ya later, everybody. Riley and Ev OUT.

SOUND: Click.

[THE END]

A discussion about board games and the downsides of death is scuppered when Todd, a creepy metaphysical conman, manifests in our hosts’ basements and pitches his latest scam.

+ Transcript

Evelyn: You know what the worst part of being dead is? It’s--

Riley: Wait, hold up, lemme see if I can guess.

Evelyn: Oh. Okay. Sure.

Riley: Is it not being able to experience physical sensation?

Evelyn: I mean, yeah, that does suck, but I was thinking about--

Riley: Never being able to see your family and friends again?

Evelyn: Well, yes, obviously, but--

Riley: Knowing you'll never be able to get a photo with Chad Kroeger unless they use a haunted camera?

Evelyn: [Demonic] OKAY! I GET IT! [Normal] Gosh, I don't even remember what I was gonna say, but now I just feel bummed.

Riley: Maybe we should play a game? That might cheer you up. And besides, Actual Play stuff is doing really well right now.

Evelyn: What kind of game?

Riley: Lemme see what I've got…

SOUND: Riley shuffles through a collection of board games.

Riley: How about Monopoly?

Evelyn: We tried Monopoly before.

Riley: Then let’s try it again. It’s fun.

Evelyn: I don't think that's a good idea. Monopoly brings out a darker side of you. It can get a little scary.

Riley: I don't know what you mean.

Evelyn: Last time, when you started losing, you yelled “Communism, bitch” and flipped the board. You didn't speak for like, a whole day after that.

Riley: I will not apologise for dismantling a corrupt system. [Pause] Maybe not Monopoly.

Evelyn: What about Pictionary?

Riley: Evelyn, this is audio, we might as well spend half an hour doing interpretive dances. Plus, Pictionary sucks.

Evelyn: I thought you were doing this to cheer me up?

Riley: I am, but I've also gotta think about the bigger picture. How about Clue?

Evelyn: I appreciate that you're trying, but that one is literally about death.

Riley: Uhhh. Uno? Chutes and Ladders? Hide the Pineapple? I think I've got one about dinosaurs in here somewhere...

Evelyn: Wait, you told me nobody ever came down here before I started haunting you. Why do you have all these?

Riley: When I was on my own I'd just play with myself.

[Beat]

Evelyn: Do you want to try that sentence again?

Riley: I don't believe in rephrasing. It's for cowards and politicians.

SOUND: Evelyn groans.

Evelyn: Why does the afterlife have these stupid rules, anyway? Who wrote the ghoul clause? What’s the point?

Riley: I mean if you think about it, life and death is a lot like chutes and ladders: the rules are arbitrary, and it's mostly pure chance disguised as meaningful choice.

Evelyn: Well, that's existentially terrifying.

Riley: Really? I feel like it takes the pressure off. It means I can't really be blamed for any of the dumb shit I've done.

Evelyn: I mean, I guess that's true.

Riley: Shit, wait, did we do the--

SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: Intro?

Evelyn: Hey party people! If you're listening to this, it means that you're probably alive, but death inches ever closer!

Riley: People will tell you that Bigfoot didn't assassinate JFK - but he never gave a solid alibi. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I'm Riley.

[MOMENT OF SILENCE]

Evelyn: Say it.

Riley: Do I have to?

Evelyn: It’d make me happy.

Riley: That doesn't compel me, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Riley…

Riley: Fine! I'm Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: And on this show, we--

SOUND: Electrical noises, growing increasingly obtrusive.

Riley: What’s that noise?

Evelyn: Did you leave that snow cone machine plugged in again?

Riley: You leave Mr. Frosty out of this. This is...different.

SOUND: The electrical noises suddenly build to explosive proportions.

Evelyn: Hit the deck!

SOUND: BOOM! Followed by silence.

Riley: What the fuck was that?

SOUND: Casual footsteps approach.

Todd: Who the fuck was that, actually.

Riley: Sorry. Who the fuck are you?

Todd: Oh, where are my manners? Name’s Todd, nice to meet you.

Evelyn: Hi, Todd!

Riley: Get out of my basement!

Todd: Friends, pals, buddies, there's no need to get so aggressive. I'm a patron of the arts.

Riley: Well, this is where art comes to die. Now piss off!

Todd: I don't think you're quite comprehending what I'm offering you here, Riley.

Evelyn: How do you know their name?

Todd: I'm a big fan of the show, and I wanted to buy some ad time.

Evelyn: You probably could have just sent an email.

Riley: We don't have fans. And we don’t run ads.

Todd: Uh, yeah you do. I’ve heard them. Like the Zeus condoms and that crappy Grave Boat movie.

Evelyn: Oh, we don't license those. They just end up on the file somehow.

Riley: Our best guess is that the frequencies we tune into to pick up Evelyn’s voice also put us on the same wavelengths as some real weird shit.

Todd: So those ads aren't even monetised?

Evelyn: Nope.

Todd: [Shudders] Seems you guys really need a person like me.

Riley: We don't even know who you are, Todd.

Todd: Then please, let me sell you the dream!

Riley: I can already feel the migraine coming on.

---

SOUND: Twee, public-domain sounding acoustic guitar music begins to play.

Todd: Afterlives are like telecom companies - when you die, you’re generally stuck with the big five. You’ve got your Hindus, your Muslims, your Christians, your Jewish folks, your Sikhs.

Riley: What about whacky fringe religions, like Scientology?

Evelyn: Oh, they just go to regular hell.

Todd: Point is, it’s an oligopoly. But not only are you limiting your choices with those lame analog afterlives, they’re also full of old people. It’s like Facebook, it’s a retirement home up there.

Evelyn: Well yeah, most people who die tend to be old--

Todd: [Totally ignores Evelyn] Wouldn’t it be so much better if there was a newer, cooler afterlife? A place for millenial and gen Z ghosts, who don’t wanna rub elbows with a million dull, geriatric phantoms every day? You know, the kind of ancient ghosts who still think Gerry and the Pacemakers are the next big thing? You want an afterlife that you can rely on. An afterlife with ads tailored to your preferences. An afterlife with regular software updates and downloadable content!

Riley: That sounds horrible.

Todd: And that is where I come in! I’m something of a market disruptor - you know, an innovator, a blue sky thinker, always on my grind - and when I see a problem, my internal marketing engine gives me a solution. I’m the Steve Jobs of metaphysics. The Zucc of spiritual solutions.

Riley: The Jim Jones of venture capital.

Todd: Ooh, I like that. Mind if I use it in future?

Evelyn: [Baffled] You shouldn’t want to use it…

Todd: Look, I’ll cut to the chase: I’m offering an alternative to all the crap the other gods are trying to shill. My own, private afterlife, for young, trendy influencers. An Instagram-friendly Elysian Field. I call it...Todd’s Heaven.

---

Riley: Wow, how’d you come up with that?

Todd: [Completely missing the sarcasm] Months of rigorous A-B testing.

Evelyn: Two questions - Firstly, how did you even get here, and secondly, how the heck do you make your own afterlife?

Todd: First answer: Astral projection. It’s not that hard. Second answer: I bought a plot of land in the Midwest with some seed money and set up shop there. We’re still working out the kinks, but early adopters are getting a discount for helping with tests. Diego and Dalton Dupre are already there.

Riley: Those YouTubers who died doing the “eat plastic explosives challenge”?

Todd: The very same! Great guys. Great, great guys. They signed on immediately, after we finally managed to find their hands.

Evelyn: So they’re all just gonna be hanging out in a field in Kansas?

Todd: I could explain this all day, but that’d be terribly inefficient. All the details are in my book, right here.

SOUND: Todd passes the book to Riley.

Riley: [Incredulous] Todd’s Bible?

Todd: Actually, if you look closely, you’ll see there’s an umlaut above the second B, so it’s pronounced “Bibble.”

Riley: That’s not how letters work.

Evelyn: Why not just call it Todd’s Bible?

Todd: Todd’s Bibble has better SEO. Plus, it helps me avoid a potential copyright suit. [annoyed muttering] Thanks a lot, Yahweh.

Riley: Wait. So you’re trying to create a whole new belief system...about yourself?

Todd: Well, yeah, you can’t have an afterlife without a belief system. It’s all there in chapter four of the Bibble.

Riley: I get that you’re probably trying to do a nice thing here, but everything about it is stupid and terrible.

Todd: They called the iPod stupid and terrible when it first came out.

Evelyn: No they didn’t, everyone loved it. They made millions of dollars.

Todd: We’ll agree to disagree. What I’m offering you two lucky ladies--

Riley: I’m not a lady.

Todd: [Doesn’t miss a beat] What I’m offering you two lucky individuals, is some cold, hard cash in exchange for your on-air endorsement. Right now, Todd’s Heaven isn’t exactly moving the needle, but that’s natural for something on the bleeding edge of post-death technology. We’re leading this horse to water and the poor thing’s got no idea how thirsty it is.

Riley: Do you speak entirely in buzz-words?

Todd: I think you and your fans would benefit from the products I have to offer here. It could be a lucrative brand deal - Evelyn, you're guaranteed a place there, and Riley, you're more than welcome to have a free ride if you die before you're thirty. Which, given your diet and attitude towards self-care, is likely.

Riley: [Muttering] Dick.

Todd: This isn't just gonna be another flop, like Karma 2 or Ghost Pepsi, it’s gonna be huge - and you two can get in on the ground floor!

Evelyn: If you expect us to tell people about it on the podcast, wouldn't it make sense for us to at least see it first?

Todd: Uh, I…

Riley: Yeah, Todd, you can't expect us to shill your stuff when we don't even know if it's decent. And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, it probably isn't.

Todd: [Nervous laugh] Well, it’s early days, we’re prototyping, there’s a lot of bug-fixing and growth-hacking still left to do…

Evelyn: I’m sure it's not that bad, it'd just be a little peek.

Todd: [Frustrated] Oh, for the love of Todd, fine! But I won't have you judging it like it's a final product, because there's still so much crunch work we need to do.

Evelyn: Yay! I can't wait to see it!

Todd: Evelyn, you come with me. We’ll report back once you've been thoroughly impressed by the hipness and majesty of Todd’s Heaven.

Evelyn: Wait, won’t Riley have to come with us?

Todd: Nah, I’ll take temporary custody. Don't you worry, Riley, I'll have her back in one piece before you can say “Cutting-edge industry solutions”.

Riley: Hollow promises from a stranger currently invading my personal space don’t really ease my concerns.

Evelyn: [soft, while Riley speaks] Cutting edge...industry…What does that even...

Todd: Riley… [chuckles] Riley, Riley, Riley…

Riley: Stop that.

Todd: We’re not strangers! You know my name, don’t you?

Riley: Yeah, but that doesn’t--

Todd: See! Not strangers! You can trust me!

Riley: You sound like somebody about to snatch a child.

Todd: You would know, Myxter Almanzor.

Riley: You sure you’re comfortable with this, Evelyn? Cause you don’t have to do anything this smiley, man-bun-wearing creep says.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, it’s okay! If something happens I’ll pop right back here.

Todd: Also, I get nothing from ghost-napping a small time podcast host. Far, far, far bigger fish to fry.

Riley: [grunts in annoyance] Alright. Not like I can stop you, anyway.

Evelyn: Right! Do you think you can hold down the fort while I'm gone?

Riley: I’ll survive.

Todd: Alright, then let’s go.

SOUND: The same loud, electrical noises as earlier.

Evelyn: See you all soooooooon--

SOUND: BOOM! Todd and Evelyn are gone.

Riley: [Sighs in relief] Peace at last. Now, it's time to do the podcast my way. The Riley Almanzor entertainment extravaganza we’ve all been waiting for…

SOUND: Long pause, something drips in the background.

Riley: Huh. Guess I needed a little more prep time for this. [Hums a tune, trying to think of what to say] Oh! I'm writing a novel, have been for a couple years now. It's High Fantasy, about a brave and gallant hero called R’lyeh who's trying to make their way through a world of loud, annoying people who always wanna touch their stuff. One sec, It’s written in longhand in all my notebooks…

SOUND: Papers rustling.

Riley: Ah-hah! Chapter Seven, where R’lyeh sticks it to their mom for telling them being an aspiring writer - I mean, uh, knight - isn't a real job. I'll read you an extract. “R’lyeh stands before her, sword in hand, ready to plunge it into her big, stupid, judgemental face…”

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: The dullest, most nondescript elevator music you've ever heard.

Bored Narrator: Do you like modern Top 40 music, but feel like it's a little too complex and cerebral for your tastes? Do you prefer music to tune you out of your body, like a kind of audio heroin? Do you think the quality of a song is inversely proportional to the amount of singing and number of instruments involved?

SOUND: The narrator gives a long, breathy sigh.

Bored Narrator: Great. We have the album for you. For the low, low price of 9.99, you can pick up a lightly-used copy of “Now That’s What I Call Noise 17.” Featuring all your favourite 2002 semi-hits and Public Domain easy-listening music. If your will to go on is incidental to--

SOUND: The narrator’s voice warps and then melts into silence.

Todd: While I'm sure we were all enjoying the ad for that wonderful product, I'm hijacking the signal with a very special message: There has never been a better time to sign up for Todd’s Heaven.

SOUND: Todd’s twee acoustic guitar music kicks into gear again.

Todd: With the fabric of reality growing weaker every day, the likelihood of large swathes of the population dying before thirty is increasing. Is this bad news? Of course not! Meatspace reality is going out of style. [Creepy, glitchy effect on voice] Everything’s decaying. [Laughs, returns to normal] But when life gives you lemons, you create a kind of lemon-counting app that disenfranchises lemon farmers across Florida. We can--

SOUND: The bored narrator begins to return, like a signal interruption.

Bored Narrator: This album is the answer to problems nobody has.

Todd: Oh, come on, I was just getting to the good part.

SOUND: Todd’s guitar music stops; the elevator music resumes.

Bored Narrator: If you call in with promo code [screams], we’ll add a dollar to the price. “Now That’s What I Call Noise 17.” It’s relentless.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Riley: “...And R’lyeh strikes the foul beast again with their sword, and screams, ‘In the modern world, you can make a living off of creativity if you find your audience! It’s called Patreon, bitch!’--”

SOUND: The same electrical interference, building.

Riley: [Sighs] I guess it was fun while it lasted. [Slurps]

SOUND: BOOM! Evelyn and Todd return.

Riley: Hey, how was Kansas? Crush any witches?

Evelyn: Nope, only my spirit.

Todd: What are you drinking? Is that milk?

Riley: [Slurp] What, this? No, I'm lactose intolerant, this is mayo. [Burps]

Todd: [Gags] Oh my Todd, that's horrifying.

Riley: I'm not forcing you to drink it. [Slurp] So, Evelyn, how was Todd’s Hypebeast Hellscape?

Evelyn: It’s the most Supreme merchandise I've ever seen in one place.

Todd: [Tuts] You say that like it's a bad thing.

Evelyn: All of the people there just stand around making six-second-long sketches and jokes. It's super awkward to watch in real-time.

Todd: That’s to be expected, a lot of them died during the Vine era.

Riley: And you've not even told them the app’s gone!? That's sick!

Todd: Where do you think the app went when it died? All of Tumblr’s porn is there, too.

Evelyn: But that's not even the worst part!

Todd: I feel like you're just being unfair now.

Evelyn: There’s a boombox in the center of Todd’s Heaven that just plays “MMMbop” constantly.

Riley: Wait, what? The Hansen song?

Todd: It’s a great song! Catchy, up-beat, nice rhythm…

SOUND: Todd begins snapping his fingers and humming MMMbop, as if to say, “see? It's great!”

Evelyn: Every time it ends it just plays again. It's looping eternally.

Todd: I'll be able to get the rights to more music when I have the capital!

SOUND: Riley slurps their mayo.

Todd: For Todd’s sake, will you stop drinking that? I feel like I’m gonna barf every time you do it. It’s revolting.

Riley: I’ll stop drinking the mayo when you stop awkwardly forcing your name into things.

Todd: [Frustrated] Then it seems we’re at an impasse. You know, you’re not the only influencers I’ve approached - RedPillWarrior500’s check is in the mail, and I’ve got a tentative “yes” from Dwayne Wayne Wayne.

Evelyn: Isn’t he a serial killer?

Todd: Well, yeah, if you wanna split hairs, but his execution is scheduled for before his 28th birthday, so he still makes the cutoff.

Riley: Has it ever occurred to you that you might be more successful if you focused on making a decent product rather than just constantly marketing it?

Todd: You clearly don’t understand the gig economy, Riley.

Riley: There’s a lot about this I don’t understand.

SOUND: Todd sighs.

Todd: Shame. Real shame. It’s as much my fault as it is yours - well, probably more your fault. You’ve really put me in a difficult position here.

Evelyn: We’re sorry!

Riley: No, we are absolutely not! We didn’t even invite you here!

Todd: [In his own world] Damage control. Of course, you understand I can’t let you release this episode. It’d be terrible PR for Todd’s Heaven, right as we’re beginning to take off.

Evelyn: There were like twenty people there, it really isn’t taking off.

Todd: Well, I have it on good authority that in a couple months Apple is going to release a faulty selfie-stick that explodes after three uses, so those numbers are IRRELEVANT! This episode is never going to air.

Riley: I shared an entire chapter of my novel, there’s no way in hell we’re losing that audio.

Todd: Funny you should mention that, because Todd’s Hell is really--

Evelyn: Maybe you should just go home, Todd. You can work on your next...thing.

Todd: I’m not leaving until I see this slanderous episode wiped from your hard drive. I’d hate to have to get my legal team involved. Or worse…

SOUND: Those electrical noises building.

Todd: [Creepy] After all, you have no idea what I’m capable of.

Riley: Why does this always happen to us? I just wanted to make a podcast, for Todd’s sake. [Beat] Fuck, now I'm saying it!

Todd: Delete the episode. Now!

Evelyn: Uh, how about we cut you a deal, instead?

Riley: I never approved a deal. We didn’t discuss this.

Todd: [returning to normal] I’m listening. Go on.

Evelyn: We’ll play a game! If we win, we get to upload the episode, and you leave.

Todd: Hmm. Not buying it so far. What if I win?

Evelyn: If you win, we’ll delete this episode, and we’ll record a new one where we talk about how great Todd’s Heaven is the whole time, free of charge.

Riley: WHAT!?

Todd: Okay, I’m back in. What’s the game?

Evelyn: Uhh…

Riley: Um…

Todd: I’m waiting…

Evelyn: Oh, Monopoly! The game is Monopoly.

Riley: [Exhausted] Sure, why the fuck not?

Todd: Alright, deal. But only if I get to be the car.

Evelyn: I’ll take the dog! Look at its cute lil’ fur mustache!

Riley: Guess I'll be the boot.

SOUND: Shuffling.

Evelyn: Riley, what are you doing?

Riley: I’m gonna pause the recording. This could take a while.

Todd: Capitalism, don’t fail me now…

SOUND: Click. Silence for a few seconds. When we return, shit’s real heated. Riley’s muffled, close snickering can be heard before they pull away to return to the game.

Todd: This is bullshit! You can't just take all my hotels!

Riley: Well, how else do you plan on paying us, Todd?

Todd: Uhh...Uhhhh...Can you maybe extend my credit?

Evelyn: Sorry, no can do, it's against the rules.

Todd: Oh, come on, can’t you just bend the rules for once and show me a little compassion?

Riley: That’s not really in line with the spirit of the game, Todd. Monopoly’s a bloodsport, and you just got bled.

Todd: [Muttering indistinguishable obscenities under his breath]

SOUND: Todd shuffling through cards and paper, fumbling as an idea hits him.

Todd: [desperate] Can I sell my car?

Riley: That’s not gonna cut it, considering the resale value. You know cars lose half their worth the moment they’re driven out of the lot? Pretty fucked up system.

Evelyn: Also, it’s technically not an asset in the game. How would you be able to play without a piece?

Todd: Please, I’ll do anything! This is my thing! [breaking up, genuinely frustrated] I’m supposed to be good at this!

Riley: And yet, here you are.

Evelyn: [Chipper] Hotels, please.

Todd: Alright, fine, take all the stupid hotels.

SOUND: Todd throws a handful of plastic hotels.

Todd: Take my shoes, while you’re at it! Want my wife? Kids? Take those too! My soul?! Hell, why not-- well, actually…

Evelyn: Do you have any of those things?

Riley: Doesn’t matter, game’s over.

SOUND: Todd groans in frustration.

Riley: And that, Todd, is called bankruptcy.

Todd: Don’t you dare ghoulsplain business to me, Almanzor, I know business.

Riley: Whatever you say, buddy. GG.

Todd: Oh, screw you. Screw both of you!

Evelyn: Nobody likes a sore loser, Todd.

Todd: I am not a loser. You're losers! I'm an entrepreneur - I'm making things that matter. Things that have value! Apps, websites, proprietary software! I’m not some morbid geek making a podcast in their literal basement! You think people are actually gonna listen to this bullshit? No studio? No celebrity guests!? You don’t even live in New York or LA!

Evelyn: Jeez, it was just a game! Lighten up, Todd.

Todd: [scoffs] It’s all a game, Evelyn! Life, death, business, Monopoly. And none of it matters unless I win!

Riley: Maybe it's time for you to leave. You’ve got some wounds to lick.

Todd: Oh, I'm going, but because I want to, not because you told me to!

Evelyn: I don’t really see how that makes a dif--

Todd: And one more thing! You may think we’re done here, but my grind never ends! People like me make the future. We get to decide what it looks like, and we get to decide who's allowed in it. Just keep that in mind next time you want to mess up my business. Todd out!

SOUND: Quick, electrical outburst, and BOOM! Todd’s gone.

Riley: What a drama queen.

Evelyn: It was nice to play a real game of Monopoly, though.

Riley: Leave it to you to find the silver lining of our podcast getting hijacked.

Evelyn: I mean, for a computer nerd with a God complex, he wasn't all that bad. Nobody ended up dead - or deader.

Riley: Yeah, I guess. At least he didn't try to eat the universe, that's a plus.

Evelyn: See? It’s easy to look on the bright side when you stop and think about it.

Riley: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Hooper, for someone with objectively terrible taste in everything, you’re surprisingly wise.

Evelyn: I dunno, I think I have pretty good taste in friends.

Riley: Okay, okay, anymore emotional sincerity and I’m gonna start feeling uncomfortable.

Evelyn: I’ll get you there one day.

Riley: How come you're so chipper, anyway? When we started recording you were getting the post-mortality blues.

Evelyn: Well, I realized there are things worse than being an earth-bound spirit stuck to a ghoul who doesn't get out much.

Riley: Like what?

Evelyn: Todd’s Heaven.

Riley: I really should have seen that coming.

Evelyn: Wanna go play Chutes and Ladders?

Riley: Sounds good to me, Ev.

[THE END]

Stuck recording at night due to construction noise, Evelyn decides they should have a proper sleepover. 

+ Transcript

Riley: We're recording at night again, because my neighbours were getting a dead tree removed today and they've literally just stopped.

Evelyn: Yeah, they were making so much noise.

Riley: Like, not just the tree getting cut down and chopped up, either. I think there was some kind of demonic portal or gate in the ground underneath it. This street has a problem with demon stuff, in general.

Evelyn: But it's fine! It's quiet now. We're still recording on the right day. Ooh, we should do the thing I was talking about earlier!

Riley: Evelyn, come on, don't be a child.

Evelyn: [Clapping] Sleepover episode, sleepover episode!

Riley: You live here too, it's not a--

SOUND: Riley is interrupted by the Intro music.

Riley: Real sleepover.

Evelyn: But Riley, the true meaning of sleepovers lives in your heart!

Riley: Ugh. Whatever, let's do the intro.

Evelyn: Hello internet, if you're listening to this, it means you're the honorary third person at our sleepover.

Riley: Today is the anniversary of an unknown man's death from eating library paste, so in his honour, tonight I'm drinking Elmer's School Glue. I'm Riley...your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghoul and a ghost talk about stuff.

Evelyn: The sleepover episode!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: We're gonna break out the Ben and Jerry's, put on a Disney movie, braid each other's hair, and share all our hot gossip with the listeners at home.

Riley: Okay, but do you realize that's basically impossible? You can't eat, I can't touch you and you can't touch me, and neither of us do enough to have gossip.

Evelyn: So you're still up for Disney?

Riley: I will consider it.

Evelyn: We should get into our pyjamas.

Riley: You can't change your clothes.

Evelyn: You don't know that. I've never tried. Maybe I just have to focus really hard...

SOUND: Evelyn strains, trying to manifest different clothes.

SOUND: A stack of books falls off a shelf in the background.

Riley: Didn't work, still got your Nickelback shirt on.

Evelyn: Heck.

Riley: It’s pretty cool that you can knock shit off shelves, though. That seems like an essential ghost skill.

Evelyn: Oh well. Just imagine I'm in my PJs.

Riley: What kind of PJs did you wear?

Evelyn: Basically a shirt like this one, but bigger, with no pants.

Riley: I just kind of sleep in my clothes.

Evelyn: But also with no pants.

Riley: Obviously. Show me a person who says they actually wear pants to bed and I'll show you a liar or a complete psychopath.

Evelyn: People who live where it's cold probably sleep with pants on.

Riley: We're getting wildly off topic.

Evelyn: So you're letting this be the topic?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: Sleepover.

Riley: Alright, fine. I'll concede to your demand.

Evelyn: Have you ever had a sleepover?

Riley: No. Nobody in my class ever wanted to come to my house. Apparently, it smells like formaldehyde and rot.

Evelyn: Ever been to a sleepover at someone else's house?

Riley: Why would I ever want to do that?

Evelyn: Because it's fun.

Riley: Sleeping in someone else's bed, and using someone else's bathroom? No thanks.

Evelyn: I used to love sleepovers when I was in school. Me and my friends would snuggle up under the blankets together and watch all our favourite animated movies. Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Humans Inc. - you know, the classics. And we'd pop popcorn and have pillow fights and stay up until 3 AM telling each other secrets, then we'd all just fall asleep on the floor in a big pile.

Riley: That's the gayest thing you've ever said to me.

Evelyn: Correct. Anyway, I figured we could maybe crack open some wine, lay some blankets and pillows on the floor, put on a movie, and give our listeners a sleepover experience.

Riley: I told you, I'm already drinking Elmer's school glue tonight. And you know what they say: wine before glue, good for you, but glue before wine, it's suffering time.

Evelyn: ...Do they say that?

Riley: I do. I'm they.

Evelyn: Well, can you open the bottle and pour me a glass anyway? Just for the sake of having it.

Riley: That seems like a waste of wine.

Evelyn: This stuff was like four bucks.

Riley: Fair enough.

SOUND: Riley cracks open the wine and pours a glass.

Riley: Alright, and now I’m gonna take my pants off. This is pants-removal ASMR right here.

Evelyn: What’s ASMR?

Riley: I'll tell you later.

SOUND: Riley unzipping, taking off, then tossing aside their pants.

Evelyn: You sit down here all day, why do you wear pants at all?

Riley: Listen- I may be a basement dweller, but I’m also a professional. Also, sometimes my mom forces me to go to the store and gives me very little notice.

SOUND: Riley stretches their legs.

Riley: And now I’m gonna move the mic so it’s pointing towards my bed.

SOUND: Mic stand scraping on desk, followed by bedsprings creaking.

Riley: So, what kind of sleepover games did you play?

Evelyn: Spin the bottle...which we can’t do, because there’s only two of us. Light as a feather, stiff as a board…

Riley: But we can’t touch each other.

Evelyn: Heck.

Riley: I have a suggestion.

Evelyn: Start telling!

Riley: Let’s play a round of Fuck, Marry, Kill.

[BEAT.]

Evelyn: Oh, right, right- I know that game, we just used to call it Wed, Bed, Behead.

Riley: You went to a private school, didn't you?

Evelyn: How did you guess?

Riley: You go first.

Evelyn: Alright, let me think. Okay: Chad Michael Murray, Alicia Silverstone, annnd... Rob Thomas.

Riley: iZombie Rob Thomas, or Matchbox 20 Rob Thomas?

Evelyn: What's iZombie?

Riley: That answers that. I think: Marry Rob Thomas, Kill Alicia Silverstone, and I guess Fuck Chad Michael Murray because he's the one left.

Evelyn: Why kill Alicia?

Riley: She didn't have to be in Batman and Robin, but she did it anyway.

Evelyn: Ouch. Anyway, your turn.

Riley: Okay....Lady Gaga, Keith Manjaw, and....Lele Pons.

[LONG SILENCE.]

Evelyn: Who?

Riley: Which one do you not know?

Evelyn: All of them.

Riley: [Sighs] Okay, Keith Sexbeard, Dr. Phil, and...the guy from that State Farm commercial.

Evelyn: Well...I know who Dr. Phil is. And I've seen a State Farm commercial, but it might be the wrong one.

Riley: This is exhausting.

Evelyn: Oh, Truth or Dare! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that first!

Riley: Oh, yeah, that might actually be fun. I’ll go first this time- Evelyn.

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Truth or Dare?

Evelyn: Uhhhh…Dare.

Riley: I dare you to…try to levitate that wine glass with your ghost powers.

Evelyn: Oh, gosh. I only just figured out how to do that kind of thing, and it was an accident.

Riley: C’mon, Hooper. The sleepover was your idea.

Evelyn: Alright, alright.

SOUND: The wine glass rattles, then explodes, spraying wine and glass everywhere.

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn yelp.

Riley: Well…at least it was white wine.

Evelyn: My turn. Riley.

Riley: Yes.

Evelyn: Truth… or dare?

Riley: Truth.

Evelyn: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Riley: My own appendix.

Evelyn: Why would you do that!?

Riley: Preventative measure, in case I ever got appendicitis.

Evelyn: …Alright.

Riley: Truth or dare, Evelyn?

Evelyn: Truth. 
Riley: If aliens came for you, and gave you the choice between stabbing a clone of yourself through the brain with a spear, or carrying one of their human-alien hybrid test tube babies, and if you didn’t pick one they would blow up the whole earth…..what would you do?

[BEAT.]

Evelyn: You know, when I used to play this with my friends it was stuff like...what’s your worst nightmare ... have you ever peed in the shower...would you make out with your boss….

Riley: That’s weak shit. Answer the question.

SOUND: Evelyn sighs.

Evelyn: How cute is a half-alien baby?

Riley: They’re really cute. They’re actually cuter than human babies, but you don’t get to keep it once it’s born.

Evelyn: Do I at least get visitation rights?

Riley: No.

Evelyn: Riley, I think you’re just trying to get me to say on air that I would stab a clone of myself in the brain with a spear.

Riley: No, I’m just making the choice more balanced.

Evelyn: Well...I mean...now I feel weird. I feel like I’ve gotta choose the spear, but I don’t want to give you the satisfaction.

Riley: You’re no fun.

Evelyn: Truth or Dare.

Riley: …Dare.

Evelyn: I dare you...Riley...to...play Bloody Mary.

Riley: Are you sure? I mean, we've already got one ghost in that bathroom.

Evelyn: No, no, it'll be fun! I’ll do it with you. When I was alive, I'd always chicken out before I could do it, but I feel like I could make it all the way this time. Got any candles?

Riley: Yeah, I think so. They're in here.

SOUND: They take out some candles.

Evelyn: Yay! To the bathroom!

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn go into the bathroom.

Riley: Hey, Jon.

Evelyn: Hi, Jon. Wanna play Bloody Mary with us?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Not especially, no.

Riley: Fair enough. Your loss.

Evelyn: How've you been holding up in here, anyway?

Pizza Ghost Jon: You know, living that ghost life...well, death. [beat] Actually, I've been meaning to ask: how come you look pretty much normal and I'm all slashed up?

Evelyn: Murder victims keep their wounds to make their killers feel bad.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Huh, is it working, Riley?

Riley: Stop trying to make me have feelings, Jon. I'm attempting to light candles here.

SOUND: Riley strikes a match.

Evelyn: Look, I know you're still kinda sour about Riley eating you.

Pizza Ghost Jon: No, Evelyn, I'm still very sour about Riley eating me.

Evelyn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, point is, I worry about you getting lonely in here. You're more than welcome to come join in on the sleepover.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh, I'm not lonely. I've got company here.

Riley: [surprised] Wait...who?

Brains Vincent: [muffled] Hey sisters!

Evelyn: [gasps] Riley, is that coming from inside you!?

Riley: No, Evelyn!

SOUND: Riley opens the medicine cabinet.

Riley: Brains!

Brains Vincent: Hey, that's my line!

Riley: What the hell are you doing in my medicine cabinet?

Brains Vincent: In my defence, you would have noticed me a lot sooner if you flossed more - and you need it, honey.

Evelyn: Brains Vincent lives! Heck yeah!

Riley: How!?

Brains Vincent: Well, you forgot to eat my head and spinal column, and that's kind of all I need to live.

Pizza Ghost Jon: They ate mine, so I'm wondering why you got special treatment.

Riley: Because zombie brains taste like ass and human brains taste like custard.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I can't tell if I'm disgusted or intrigued.

Evelyn: So you two have just been hanging out in here?

Brains Vincent: Yup! You know, we've got a surprising amount in common. We’re both huge ABBA fans.

Pizza Ghost Jon: And we both hate the Steelers!

Brains Vincent: And Riley!

Riley: Yeah?

Pizza Ghost Jon: No, we were just listing things we hate.

Riley: Oh. That’s fair.

Evelyn: Glad you're not dead-dead, Brains!

Brains Vincent: Thanks, sweetie!

Riley: Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a ritual to perform.

SOUND: Riley closes the medicine cabinet.

Brains Vincent: [muffled] Happy summoning!

SOUND: They turn the lights off.

Evelyn: Riley, can you hold my hand?

Riley: No. I physically can't.

Evelyn: Oh. Right.

Riley: Okay, here goes nothing.

SOUND: Ominous music plays.

Riley and Evelyn together: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

Evelyn: We did it right, right?

Riley: Yeah, I don't think anything is actually supposed to happen--

SOUND: Ghostly noises.

Riley: Holy shit!

Bloody Mary: Hellooo, you rang?

Evelyn: Oh, wow! We actually did it, listeners! Bloody Mary is right here, in the mirror, right now!

Bloody Mary: That's right, it's me, the one and only. What's up, sisters, are we having a sleepover? Oooh, is that a smashed bottle of wine on the desk over there? This sleepover looks fuuuun.

Riley: It was an accident. And I'm not a sister.

Bloody Mary: Yeah, yeah. Can one of you help me out of the mirror?

Evelyn: Sure! Jon, come here, I think this is a “ghosts only” job.

Pizza Ghost Jon: [Sighs] Fine.

SOUND: They pull Bloody Mary out of the mirror.

SOUND: She sips her drink. Several things get knocked over in the process.

Evelyn: So, Bloody Mary, welcome to Less Is Morgue! I'm Evelyn, this is Riley, and we're having a sleepover episode!

Riley: It's funny, they call you Bloody Mary but you're not especially bloody.

Bloody Mary: Common misconception, actually, I've had that moniker since long before I started scratching people's eyes out with my fingernails. The name’s a tribute to my favorite drink order.

SOUND: She sips her drink again and bites the celery garnish.

Bloody Mary: I can't get enough of these.

Riley: I can see that.

Evelyn: So, Bloody Mary-

SOUND: Bloody Mary shushing her.

Bloody Mary: No, no sweetie - call me Mary. Listen - I’ve been here for like 10 seconds, but I can already tell I love you guys. There’s just a great vibe in this room, y’know?

Riley: So you’re not gonna scratch my eyes out with your nails?

Bloody Mary: Well, the night’s still young...

SOUND: Bloody Mary starts laughing.

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley join her, nervously.

Bloody Mary: No, I kid, I kid. I love both of you and I would never. So, what fun stuff have you been doing at this sleepover? [at Jon] Any more cute boys hiding around here?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Uhhh no, just me. Unless you're into severed heads.

Bloody Mary: I’ve never been known to turn down some good head.

Riley: That’s Jon. He’s here all the time, it’s a whole thing.

Bloody Mary: [flirty] Oh yeah, he is. [to Jon] You’re not a delivery boy, you’re a delivery man. What kind of pizza have you got in that box, is it…extra sausage?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Well, now I’m uncomfortable.

Brains Vincent: [muffled] Me too!

Riley: So am I. Let’s get out of the bathroom so we actually have room to move around.

SOUND: The bathroom door closes.

Evelyn: Bloody Mary, since you’re here, do you wanna join our game of Truth or Dare?

Bloody Mary: Oh my god, yes, I thought you’d never ask! Truth or Dare is my favorite. [stage whispering] I’ve got some fun secrets.

Evelyn: Oh, good! This game gets a little boring with just two of us.

Riley: Excuse you, I was trying to make the game interesting.

Evelyn: Yeah, with your weirdo questions about aliens and stabbing clones in the brain.

Riley: You’re weak!

SOUND: Bloody Mary gulping down the rest of her drink in the background.

Bloody Mary: So, whose turn is it?

Evelyn: Well...I’ve gone twice, and Riley’s gone once, so--

Bloody Mary: Great, my turn! I choose truth.

Riley: Okay...fine, I guess.

Evelyn: Alright…Who’s your celebrity crush?

Riley: That’s a lame question.

Bloody Mary: Let’s see…I don’t wanna put anyone on blast, but...I do have one guy I’ve hooked up with who’s kind of famous…

Evelyn: Ooh, tell me!

Bloody Mary: Well, he’s tall, and he’s a sharp dresser, and he’s super mysterious - you can never tell what he’s thinking... because he doesn’t have a face. So hot.

Riley: Oh my god, you didn’t!

Evelyn: [completely lost] Who is he?

Bloody Mary: [stage whisper] His name rhymes with blender slam.

Riley: ...Does it?

Bloody Mary: Yeah, it does...I’m drunk, it doesn’t matter.

Evelyn: I have no idea who she’s talking about.

Riley: It doesn’t matter, he’s an internet celebrity from after your time, but before...uh...now times.

Bloody Mary: You don’t know who he is? Sweetie- sweetie...how?

Evelyn: I died in 2004.

Riley: Yeah, also, she’s kind of a fucking normie, so.

Bloody Mary: Riley, shh. Don’t be mean to your sister. Us women need to stick together-

Riley: I’m not a woman.

Bloody Mary: Whatever. Now, Evelyn...Evelyn, listen. We gotta catch you up on some culture. This is important. This is part of the zeitgeist.

Riley: It was cool 10 years ago.

Bloody Mary: SHH! SHUT UP. We’re watching Stone Bees. We’re binging it.

Riley: There’s like 200 episodes of that shit--

Bloody Mary: Time is fake. Put the video on.

Evelyn: She’s got a point, Riley. We did manage to somehow watch every episode of Professor Huh in the span of 4 hours.

Riley: That’s true, I guess. Temporal reality is pretty fucky in this basement. [sighs] Alright, let’s watch some Stone Bees.

[ WEIRD AD TIME ]

SOUND: Wind chimes, New Age music.

Goopy Female Voiceover: Plants are like...really good. When you keep plants in your home, it makes your space more beautiful, it improves your air quality, and most importantly, it improves your vibe. And here at Strange And Unusual Plant Box, we believe in the curative power of using plants to improve your vibe, by massively ruining other peoples’ vibes. If you subscribe to Strange And Unusual Plant Box for just 9.99 a month, you’ll receive a new, unique killer plant, carefully selected by our team of botanists, to be a perfect gift for someone you hate.

This month’s plant selection is a creeping space moss that grows anywhere, and we mean literally anywhere. If you don’t want to commit to the subscription, you can purchase any of our previous months’ plants. Some of our bestsellers include our talking carnivorous succulents, literal climbing vines, bonsai-sized whomping willows, and a rare species of orchid that releases deadly spores into the air twice a day.

Use promo code ‘Stolas’ on our website and we’ll throw in a free pack of deadly nightshade seeds. Strange And Unusual Plant Box - embrace your inner green witch, and start killing people you don’t like with weird plants.

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

Evelyn: Wow, so you and that guy were a thing?

Bloody Mary: Yeah, a million years ago…[wistful, horny] those tentacles.

Riley: Okay, calm down, this is a family podcast.

Evelyn: No, it isn’t.

Riley: It’s not a hentai podcast, that’s for damn sure.

Evelyn: So...Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary: That’s meeee!

Evelyn: Are you two serious about each other? Because I think it could work. You’d make a cute couple.

Bloody Mary: No, no way. He’s a total sellout. And his ego is just...ugh. Like, yeah, I get it, you’re a ‘brand’...like, shut the fuck up. I’m more well known than you but I didn’t pay to get there, honey. I’ve never had to copyright my own name.

Riley: Wait...you mean [static noises] is trademarked?

Bloody Mary: SHH NO. Bleep that in post. You guys think [static noises] is relentless, wait until you meet his lawyers.

Riley: [deadpan] Spill that tea, sis.

Evelyn: Okay, so, Riley, I think it’s your turn now. Bloody Mary--

Riley: Oh no.

Evelyn: Bloody Mary, you can ask the question.

Bloody Mary: Riley! Truth or Dare?

Riley: Alright….I don’t want to do this, but I did truth on my last turn and I feel a strong need for balance in my life, so….[sighs] Fuck it, dare.

SOUND: Bloody Mary squeals and takes a sip from her drink.

Evelyn: ...When did you refill that glass?

Bloody Mary: Riley, I dare you to play the most embarrassing song that you like at TOP volume.

Riley: I don’t like any embarrassing songs. My taste in music is perfect.

Evelyn: I strongly disagree.

Riley: Shut up, Nickelback-liker.

Evelyn: I wear that title with pride.

Bloody Mary: Come on, Riley, everyone has a couple of dumb songs on their playlist. And you can’t go back on a dare, it’s binding. Like a blood oath.

SOUND: Riley groans, clicks their mouse a couple times, then hits play. They make a noise like this physically hurts them.

SOUND: Numa Numa starts playing full blast.

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, I love this song!

Riley: Your approval fills me with shame.

SOUND: Loud banging on the basement door. The music stops.

Riley: Alright, mom, it’s off!

SOUND: Footsteps leading away from the basement.

Bloody Mary: Ugh, buzzkill much?

Riley: Tell me about it.

Bloody Mary: Well...you know what else we love to do at sleepovers…

[PAUSE.]

Bloody Mary: [stage whisper] We play pranks.

Riley: Absolutely not.

Bloody Mary: Shhh, nothing bad, I’m just gonna play a lil prank on your buzzkill mom. I’m gonna go into the hall mirror and scare her.

Riley: She will kill you and then she will kill me.

Bloody Mary: It’s fine, I’m a ghost!

Riley: That will not stop her.

Bloody Mary: [getting farther away] What? Too late, I’m going upstairs.

SOUND: Ghostly noises as she phases through the ceiling.

Riley: Well, Evelyn...you wanted an interesting sleepover.

Evelyn: [extremely worried] So can your mom actually kill ghosts?

Riley: You’re safe, my parents think you’re my imaginary friend.

Evelyn: Why? They can hear my voice on the podcast…

Riley: They don’t listen. They say they want to, but I know they don’t.

SOUND: Clattering and indistinct yelling from upstairs. Bloody Mary falls back through the ceiling.

Evelyn: Holy smokes, Bloody Mary, are you okay?

Riley: I told her.

SOUND: Bloody Mary gets up off the floor and brushes herself off.

Bloody Mary: Gals, it’s been fun but I, uh...I have to go.

Evelyn: Aww, why? We were having such a fun time!

Bloody Mary: No, I have to go. Right now. I physically have to.

Evelyn: Why are you going back into the bathroom?

Bloody Mary: I can’t stop it, I have to go. I love both of you, bye guys. [to Jon] Pizza Man...you know how to call me.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that. Sorry.

SOUND: Bloody Mary is sucked back into the mirror.

Evelyn: What was that all about?

Riley: I knew it would happen…she should’ve listened. My mom used The Voice on her.

Evelyn: Are you serious?

Riley: Absolutely. Mom Voice is the most powerful method of banishment on Earth.

Evelyn: We’ll have to summon her again sometime, she was fun. How are we doing for time?

Riley: I think we’re good to wrap it up.

Evelyn: You still up for a Disney marathon?

Riley: Honestly? I kinda just want to go to bed.

[ END OF EPISODE]

Irritated with Riley’s hipsterish frustration with modern TV, Evelyn cycles through a series of TV shows in order to prove the pretentious ghoul wrong. In the process, she might accidentally unleash a universe-destroying horror.

+ Transcript

Riley: All TV is a flaming garbage fire and no one can convince me otherwise.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: Throw out your cable box, and unsubscribe from everything, that’s the only way they’ll get the message.

Evelyn: Welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost does the intro and the ghoul goes off-script, Riley.

Riley: They can’t keep getting away with it, Evelyn!

Evelyn: You can’t keep getting away with derailing our intro.

Riley: I’m talking about the big wigs and the fat cats who think they know better than us. Those assholes control what we see, they control what we consume, they control who gets banned from Pizza Pizzazz-O.

Evelyn: You’re still talking about TV, right?

Riley: Yes. Entertainment. The industry. Streaming services. It’s all connected and it’s all shit.

Evelyn: I dunno, I’ve seen some recent shows and they’re not so bad.

Riley: They are more than so bad. Not that you would know.

Evelyn: What’s that supposed to mean?

Riley: I’ve eaten your body, so I know for a fact that you have zero taste.

Evelyn: Wow, did I really taste that bad?

Riley: It was a joke. It means that everything you love is terrible.

Evelyn: Seriously though, what did I taste like?

SOUND: Intro music cuts off the awkward silence.

Evelyn: Rude. So we’re just not going to talk about it?

Riley: I’m more interested in talking about...anything but that.

Evelyn: [Sigh] Like television?

Riley: That’ll do. So, Evelyn, what shows have you been watching?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been using your mom’s Silverstream account.

Riley: You mean my Silverstream account.

Evelyn: It’s under your mom’s name, though. So it’s your mom’s account.

Riley: Let me have this.

Evelyn: Well, SilverStream has all the episodes of that late-nineties sitcom Associates, so I watch that a lot when I'm bored.

Riley: Ugh. Watching Associates when you're bored is like putting out a garbage fire with piss. Yeah, it works, but at what cost?

Evelyn: Oh come on, Riley, it’s fun!

Riley: Of course you think that, you've been dead for sixteen years, you think emojis are exciting.

Evelyn: They are! They've got little eyes!

Riley: The whole streaming market is a house of cards, anyway. It's all gonna come crashing down soon.

Evelyn: What!? No fair, I only just got into it!

Riley: The entertainment industry has never been fair, Ev. It's a cruel and unforgiving beast - like my mom.

Evelyn: How come it's all gonna crash?

Riley: Well, SilverStream was there first, and when it started making money from rubes like us hand over fist, everyone else wanted a taste of that streaming gold - so now they're flooding the market. Hell’s getting a streaming service.

Evelyn: Hell makes TV shows!?

Riley: Duh. Where do you think reality shows come from? But it's not just that. Vampires are taking all the vampire movies and shows over to their own streaming service, same for stupid, delicious zombies. There's that service run by the Serial Killers Union that has all the good snuff films. And of course, The Crab Lord and his underwater kingdom off the coast of Miami are making their own streaming service, too. This is just the beginning, Ev. In the end, if you want full media coverage, you'll need to subscribe to so many different services that it'll basically be a cable package.

Evelyn: Well that's depressing. But still, it's even more of an excuse to enjoy it while it lasts!

Riley: [Sighing] Fine. I concede. Let’s take a look at what this gallery of bullshit has to offer.

SOUND: SilverStream start-up noise.

Evelyn: You know, they've got a bunch of new content. And they've been marketing the heck out of that new SilverStream-exclusive movie, Grave Boat.

Riley: Shh, shh. You hear that sound? It's me not giving a fuck about Grave Boat.

Evelyn: But it’s on the banners, it must be worth watching.

Riley: You are God’s perfect fool, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Aw, thanks, Riley.

Riley: My point exactly. SilverStream originals are just movies that suck too hard to get into theatres, no matter how they brand them.

[BEAT - SCROLLING NOISES]

Evelyn: That looks good! What’s that show?

Riley: You did not just point to a goddamn anime.

Evelyn: Why? Anime’s great! It’s the next big thing.

Riley: Yeah, that's because you died in 2004, when it was Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and Cowboy Bebop. Now it's “I can pull dinosaurs out of my sister’s quadrouple-D titties, oh and by the way, she's fourteen.”

Evelyn: Pardon…?

Riley: If you want, we can watch the trailer.

--

[ANIME TIME]

SOUND: Intense Anime Music.

Anime Boy: How can I ever become a grand magic mage if I can’t get my GPA above 3.5? I'm such a charmingly plucky underdog!

Anime Girl: You totally suck at life, Baka. Go drown yourself. I'm gonna treat you abusively until you show enough masculine traits to be deemed worthy of respect.

Anime Boy: Senpai, please teach me the true techniques. I’ll do anything for you, even though - despite you being a more competent and interesting character than me - you'll get sidelined for my narrative!

Anime Girl: Don’t saddle me with your emotional labor, B-baka!

Anime Boy: Wow, your glasses make me so hot.

Anime Girl: The fuck did you say?

Anime Boy: Something about grades.

Narrator: F.

[END OF ANIME…FOR NOW]

--

Evelyn: Is that the name of the show or just a general statement?

Riley: It’s how I feel about it. And that’s all that matters.

Evelyn: Y’know, I thought anime was all fantasy, and swords, and cool fight scenes.

Riley: I mean yeah, there is good anime, like Jojo’s, but anime as a whole is kind of like a dumpster. If you want the tasty stuff, you've gotta dig beneath all the used condoms and hypodermic needles.

Evelyn: What’s that one? That one looks like fantasy.

Riley: Kinda. It’s Isekai.

Evelyn: What’s that?

Riley: Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?

Evelyn: Of course, I love The Wizard of Oz!

Riley: Yeah, it's nothing like that. Just watch.

--

[ANIME TIME 2: ANIME TIMES]

SOUND: Whimsical fantasy music.

Salaryman: WHOA! I’m falling through an app on my phone into another world. How this sort of thing happens to 30-year old salaryman like me, I may never know!

SOUND: Magic portal closes.

Anime Maiden: Here ye, handsome stranger, welcome to Arterious.

Salaryman: Are we about to go on some kind of adventure?

Anime Maiden: Of course! You'll go on an exciting quest through our enchanted land - fighting monsters, encountering enemies who’ll learn to cower at your feet, bedding big-breasted maidens, and of course--

SOUND: Anime Maiden breaks into a coughing fit.

Salaryman: You okay there, fair maiden?

Anime Maiden: [cough] Oh dear, it appears I've been stricken with the plague.

Salaryman: That’s not infectious, is it? [cough]

SOUND: Wistful music cue.

Salaryman: And that’s how I came to be dying of the plague in another world.

[ANIME TIME OVER FOREVER]

--

Evelyn: What is that show called?

Riley: Dying of The Plague in Another World.

Evelyn: Well, it’s relatable I guess.

Riley: Okay, let’s get the fuck away from anime.

SOUND: Clicking, as they navigate the menu.

Evelyn: [Smug] What’s this? Continue watching? But Riley, I thought all television was bad.

Riley: There are exceptions.

Evelyn: Like what?

Riley: Something with nuanced characters, intricate plot threads, and a consistent sense of mystery and intrigue.

Evelyn: Oh, I love My Little Pony!

Riley: Ugh, god no. Try this on for size.

--

[PRETENTIOUS SCI-FI TIME]

SOUND: Intense sci-fi music.

Man: I know you slept with my wife.

Android: I only did it to find out if I was a man or a machine.

Man: Congratulations. You’re a man.

Android: What?

Man: I built you. My wife is your mother.

Android: NOOOOOOOOOO.

[RETURN TO NORMAL]

--

Evelyn: What was that all about?

Riley: Oedipus 3000. Third season.

Evelyn: And that’s… a good show?

Riley: You wouldn’t get it. You have to watch from the beginning. I’m gonna warn you, though, the first season’s a slog. Like, nothing worthwhile happens, but it's still super important to the continuity of the show.

Evelyn: Well, I guess I’m not getting any older.

Riley: Yeah, I guess you’re not.

Evelyn: I’ll let you know what I think, when I catch up.

Riley: If you catch up.

Evelyn: No. When. I’m not going to pass up the Riley Almanzor Gold Standard of Entertainment.

Riley: Alright, alright, that’s a little much.

Evelyn: The new Professor Huh series looks good. Have you seen that?

Riley: Professor What?

Evelyn: No, Professor Huh! It’s been on for 60 years, how have you never heard of it?

Riley: Probably because it’s some lowest common denominator crap.

Evelyn: Or it’s so underground that even you haven’t clocked it.

Riley: ...Go on.

Evelyn: It’s a sci-fi series about a man who travels to different places he knows nothing about, and usually either falls for a cheap tourist trap or gets mugged by a local.

Riley: That sounds predictable.

Evelyn: You’d think so, but the writing is actually very sophisticated. It shows active contempt for its younger fans.

Riley: Alright, I’ll bite. One episode.

Evelyn: Yay! Okay, let’s start from the beginning...

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Narrator: From the makers of hnnnngh… comes a theatrical experience that will never come to a theatre near you.

SOUND: Foghorn. Waves crash against a boat.

Celebrity Cameo: I can tell you right now… This boat… it’s a grave boat.

B-Lister: A grave boat?

Celebrity Cameo: You heard what I said. A grave boat.

B-Lister: What’s a grave boat?

Celebrity Cameo: You don’t wanna find out.

Narrator: Grave Boat. Getting Grave Reviews from multiple media outlets. Critics are calling it, “a movie.” And “an experience you physically cannot escape.”

Moviegoer 1: I’ve seen so many of those stupid pre-roll ads for Grave Boat, I’m gonna go out of my way never to see [Taken out by sniper]

Moviegoer 2: They told me I’d get to see my family again if I watched Grave Boat, but I don’t even know what it is. Is it like a movie?

Narrator: Yes, it’s a movie… it’s been streaming for months already. Grave Boat. Watch it. Please. It’s right there. Go on. Do it.

[WEIRD AD TIME OVER]

--

Riley: I can’t believe we watched over 60 years of television in one afternoon.

Evelyn: You look visibly older.

Riley: I am. It was pretty good, to be honest.

Evelyn: Guess my taste isn’t so bad after all.

Riley: Uh huh.

Evelyn: Speaking of…

Riley: Don’t.

Evelyn: Come on, can’t you even say I tasted like chicken? Everything tastes like chicken.

Riley: Oh, would you look at that. A new show’s trending. Looks like some old cartoon from the eighties: Middle-Aged Tree Men?

Evelyn: MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN!

Riley: I take it you know the show?

Evelyn: Know it? Riley, Middle-Aged Tree Men was my childhood! I watched it every saturday, I had all the figurines, I even went to the conventions to meet the voice actors.

Riley: I assumed back then they just had the interns do it.

Evelyn: Only for minor characters.

Riley: What’s it about?

Evelyn: It’s an action-adventure-fantasy about two heroes, Redwood and Silverbirch, who are middle-aged men that can also assume the forms of trees. They fight crime, promote recycling, and have a lot of homoerotic subtext. It was the best.

Riley: It sounds painfully dated.

Evelyn: [scoffs] Like all True Art, it’s timeless, Riley!

Riley: You do realize the toy shows of the eighties are an ugly mirror to our consumerist culture, right? They brainwashed kids into worshipping pieces of carcinogenic plastic.

Evelyn: Hey! I grew up on the show and I turned out fine!

Riley: Evelyn, you’re dead.

Evelyn: Well, it wasn’t action-figure cancer that killed me, was it, Riley?

Riley: You were a victim of your preferences, either way.

Evelyn: And now you’re going to be a victim of my preferences, too.

Riley: We’re not watching it.

Evelyn: Too late!

SOUND: Middle-Aged Tree Men theme song begins.

Riley: Oh, you did not just possess my laptop and hit the play button.

Evelyn: That is precisely what I did. Also, hush, it’s starting.

SOUND: The theme song, set to a rising Shepard Tone: MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! TELL YOUR PARENTS TO BUY EVERY TOY!

Evelyn: [Wistful] Oh, this brings back memories.

Riley: Repressed memories?

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

SOUND: Filmation-esque music.

Redwood: Silverbirch, we need to stop those big wigs and fat cats from doing a pollution on the earth!

Silverbirch: Then let’s make like trees and show them who’s boss. Right, Morby?

Morby: Morby!

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: What’s with the featureless white blob?

Evelyn: Oh, that’s Morby, I guess.

Riley: He doesn’t look middle-aged or like a tree.

Evelyn: I don’t even remember him being in the show, to be honest.

Riley: Fake fan.

Evelyn: I was six. Just watch it.

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

Fat Cat: I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you two meddling guys in your mid-forties.

Redwood: You poor misguided villain. Let’s take a selfie with him, Silverbirch!

SOUND: Camera flash.

Silverbirch: Dab! Dab! I’m dabbing, Redwood, watch me dab!

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: Are you sure this isn't a reboot?

Evelyn: There’s never been a reboot!

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

Fat Cat: You haven't seen the last of me, Middle-Aged Tree Men!

Redwood: Oh yes we have. Morby, consume him: body, mind, and soul!

Fat Cat: Wait, what?

Morby: MORBY!

SOUND: Fat Cat screams as Morby assimilates him. Morby now speaks with a monotone version of Fat Cat’s voice.

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: Man. Kids shows were brutal back then. Thanks, Reagan.

Evelyn: I don't remember any of this…

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

Silverbirch and Redwood: Three cheers for Morby! The most important member of the team! Morby! Morby! Morby!

Morby: [Fat Cat’s Voice] Morby.

SOUND: Horrifying screams from Silverbirch and Redwood as Morby grows and consumes both of them.

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: What the actual fuck is going on? This is episode one, and everyone's dead!

Evelyn: This is ruining my childhood.

SOUND: Morby becomes louder. More threatening.

Morby: I am Morby. I am the end of memory. Your future is forfeit. You have no place to escape to. Run from your future, come to Morby. Morbyyyyy.

Riley: Umm… Evelyn?

Evelyn: Okay, next episode.

SOUND: Morby’s voice is in the room. An ominous, bass note swells.

Morby: There is no next episode, Evelyn Hooper. Morby is the first and final episode, and every episode in between. I am the vulture who feasts on time. I am the shadow of the turned page. Your innocence is my ambrosia, your lust for simplicity my bread.

Riley: Great, now I’m hungry and terrified.

Evelyn: (scared) Cancel your service.

Riley: I can’t. It’s my mom’s.

Evelyn: I knew it!

Morby: For decades I have slumbered, waiting for a new children’s toy franchise to imbue with my resplendent wholeness. I became impatient and instead settled for a pre-existing intellectual property. One which those same blind fools who shut me away would consume without any thought towards their own future.

Riley: Evelyn, I’m gonna be real. I do not like Morby. He’s the worst.

Evelyn: Don’t you get it, Riley? Morby isn’t from Middle-Aged Tree Men, he’s some kind of parasite who feeds on my generation’s nostalgia. He probably just latched onto this show because it was trending.

Morby: Morby is the next big thing. And soon, the only thing.

Evelyn: I just don’t understand. Why’d it have to be Middle-Aged Tree Men? Do you enjoy ruining what I love? Is that what you are? I bet you were never even a fan of the original cartoon.

Morby: Morby has no concept of its vessels. Only their power.

Riley: I’ve got it! (beat) Hey, Morby… Silverstream just added Heathers. You should get in on that.

Morby: Morby hasn’t seen Heathers, but Morby has heard good things.

Riley: Damn right. It’s a classic and it’s yours for the taking.

Evelyn: Riley! You’ll only make him more powerful!

Riley: Ev, it’s cool.

Morby: Heathers will be one with Morby, and after that, Morby will absorb this podcast, and also the universe.

Riley: Yeah. See you then.

SOUND: Morby slithers back into the TV. The sound in the room returns to normal.

Evelyn: Nice going, Riley! Now you've ruined everyone’s childhood! And their adulthood! And everything!

Riley: Good to know you’re a Heathers fan. We should watch it sometime.

Evelyn: Yeah, let’s watch the cult classic movie that now harbors a galaxy-devouring cosmic nightmare.

Riley: Oh, Heathers is fine. It’s not even on Silverstream. (beat) But what is on Silverstream is the Paramount TV reboot of Heathers.

Evelyn: Wait... Paramount rebooted Heathers?

Riley: Exactly, nobody’s heard of it. He’s so screwed.

Evelyn: So you’re telling me that as long as nobody watches something they weren’t going to watch anyway…

Riley: Our plane of existence and every DVD copy of Middle-Aged Tree Men is safe? You got it.

Evelyn: Riley, if I could hug you properly, I would. But you’re just going to have to settle for a ghost hug.

Riley: I may not feel it on my skin, but I feel it in here.

Evelyn: Did you just point to your stomach?

Riley: No, Evelyn, that’s my heart. I just have bad posture.

[BEAT]

Riley: Oh, and uh, Buffalo Wings.

Evelyn: Huh?

Riley: You tasted like buffalo wings.

Evelyn: So I did taste like chicken!

Riley: Yes, but a very specific type of chicken. My palette is highly discerning.

Evelyn: I thought you didn't wanna tell me.

Riley: Oh, trust me, I didn't, but after nearly being swallowed by an albino langolier, it’s not like I could get any more uncomfortable.

Evelyn: You wanna watch more TV?

Riley: I mean, we did watch TV all afternoon. But yes.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, You’re the Beavis to my Butthead.

Riley: I have no idea what that means, but thanks, Ev.

[END]

After deciding that the interview format works for them, Riley and Evelyn desperately try to hold down a guest, to variable success.

+ Transcript

SOUND: Riley snoring in the background.

Evelyn: [whispering] Hey, everyone. Evelyn here! Hope you had a good two weeks! We wanna thank you all so much for your support on episode one. If I had a physical body, I'd high-five all of you! Also, sorry I'm whispering, Riley's sleeping and I don't wanna wake them. It gets a little boring at night sometimes, so it's nice to talk to you. I'd hang out with Jon, but he's still a little cranky after the incident. Anyway, before we start episode two, I just wanna let you know that we now have a Kofi and a Patreon! So if you wanna help us buy real food and keep Talahassee's delivery people safe, you can support Less Is Morgue with your donations!

SOUND: A particularly unflattering snore from Riley.

Evelyn: We're gonna have oodles of fun bonus content, including minisodes and exclusive behind-the-scenes info on there soon! You can find the links on our website and on your social media. Stick around for the end credits to find out more! With that out of the way, I love you all, and I hope you enjoy the episode. Buh-bye!

--

[START OF THE SHOW]

Riley: Okay so, we've both agreed we're gonna keep things a little more orderly this time, right?

Evelyn: Right!

Riley: So no demons, no murder, no digressing.

Evelyn: I mean, the "no murder" stuff is gonna be down to you, but on the other two, yeah, totally.

Riley: And we're having guests.

Evelyn: Yup! In fact, I've already booked one for today's episode.

Riley: What!? Why didn't you mention this earlier?

Evelyn: I wanted it to be a surprise! I'm super excited about it,

Riley, you're gonna love him.

Riley: Fuck! I thought I was getting the guest this week!

Evelyn: Oh. We should probably work on our communication skills.

Riley: Great. Wonderful. Not a minute in, and we've already fucked it.

Evelyn: Can't you just cut this part?

Riley: Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub ghost audio out of a file? [Sighs] Alright, let's just cut our losses and--

SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: Do the intro.

Evelyn: Hey everyone! If you're listening to this, it means you like having a good time, and there are other worlds than these!

Riley: In Tokyo, you can pay the Family Romance Corporation to imitate your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. Me? I do it for free. Welcome to the show. I'm Riley, your best Ghoulfriend. [Shudders] God, it never gets any easier to say.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!

Riley: You're listening to Less Is Morgue, the podcast where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Evelyn: Yay! That's us! So, what are we gonna do about our guest situation?

SOUND: Riley texting.

Evelyn: Riley?

SOUND: The text sends.

Riley: I just sent my guy a text and blew him off. We're good.

Evelyn: That seems a little harsh.

Riley: Podcasting is a dog eat dog world, Evelyn, and I'm starving.

Evelyn: Ha. Good one.

Riley: I'm not joking, I skipped breakfast for this.

Evelyn: What? Why?

Riley: I always get antsy before we record, why do you think I ordered a pizza last time?

Evelyn: Are you gonna do it again?

Riley: [Bummed Out] No. Zagarella’s Pizzeria doesn't deliver here anymore - last time was one pizza guy too many, apparently. Damn pepperoni fascists.

Evelyn: Wait, so other pizza guys have--

Riley: How about you just tell us about the guest?

Evelyn: Well, he's a makeup guru--

Riley: Riveting.

Evelyn: And! He's got over a hundred thousand followers on Instagram.

Riley: Who told you about Instagram? Wait, doesn't matter. A hundred thousand followers is a pretty big deal.

Evelyn: I know, right?

Riley: How'd you get him?

Evelyn: Turns out, he's actually a super nice guy, he loves supporting small creators.

Riley: What's his name?

Evelyn: Brains Vincent. His show is called “Morbid Makeovers.”

Riley: Huh, never heard of him. Name seems to ring a bell, though...

Evelyn: Maybe his face will jog your memory. He should be here any minute now.

[LONG SILENCE.]

Evelyn: Any minute now…

[SILENCE CONTINUES]

Evelyn: Any...Okay, I have no idea where he is.

Riley: Excellent start. Yours is a no-show and I just blew mine off.

Evelyn: Maybe he just got caught in traffic? He could still show!

Riley: Only we could go from having too many guests to not enough guests in the span of a minute. It’s like whatever the opposite of a super-power is.

Evelyn: Who was your guest gonna be, anyway?

Riley: Doesn’t matter! I was angry about the double-booking so I was maybe a little too brutal in the text. We’ll never get him to guest now.

Evelyn: Darn it. Who are we gonna interview, then?

SOUND: Riley types frantically.

Evelyn: What are you doing, Riley?

Riley: Something I haven’t done in years: checked Facebook.

Evelyn: Checked what!?

Riley: Yeah, we really don’t have time to get into that now. All that matters is we might be able to find someone local who could be easily persuaded to come down here on ultra-short-notice.

Evelyn: Who has that little going on in their life, Riley?

Riley: Pause the recording. Let’s find out…

SOUND: Evelyn pauses the recording. A few moments of silence.

SOUND: Click. The recording returns.

Riley: So, would you like to introduce yourself?

Evelyn: Doesn’t it make more sense for us to--

Erik: I am Erik D’Corah! Master of the Mystic! Conduit to the Spirit World! Tallahassee’s Most In-Demand Spiritual Medium! And I also have an upcoming ten-night show in Las Vegas, tickets available online at www.MagicalErik.com!

Evelyn: Little rude to interrupt me like that, but it got the job done.

Riley: Thanks for coming on such short notice, organization is kind of a shitshow around here. Do you want something to drink? Water? Tea? Whatever the hell keeps dripping from that exposed pipe in the corner?

SOUND: Drip, drip, drip.

Erik: No need! I brought my own refreshments, thank you!

SOUND: Erik slams his water bottle down on the table.

Erik: I knew that you would bid me to journey here - it was foretold by my tarot cards, which can be purchased at www.MagicalErik.com/Merch!

Evelyn: Is he our sponsor now, too? This jerk can’t even see me, Riley!

Riley: Tarot cards. Interesting. So you can predict the future?

Erik: Of course! What kind of psychic would I be if I couldn't? As a soothsayer, I can say the sooth, the whole sooth, and nothing but the sooth.

Riley: Can you do a live reading here on the show?

SOUND: Erik flips out a deck of cards.

Erik: I’d expect nothing less. Observe, as I peer into what is yet to come!

SOUND: He lays out the cards.

Erik: For you, Riley Almanzor, I have three predictions. The first…

SOUND: Erik flips a card.

Erik: Is that a witch will take your bones.

Riley: Pardon?

Evelyn: That’s awfully specific.

Erik: I can only interpret what’s on the cards, my dear. The second prediction…

SOUND: Erik flips another card.

Erik: Is to beware the ukulele. Nothing good will come of it.

Riley: Is it normal for all the predictions to sound like Tumblr shitposts?

Erik: AND THE THIRD AND FINAL PREDICTION…

SOUND: Erik flips the card.

Erik: Hmmm.

Riley: Is there a problem?

Erik: Well, this one could mean one of two things. One is that you may be making a new friend soon…

Evelyn: Awww!

Erik: And the other is that an event of dimension-destroying proportions will someday occur in this very basement.

Evelyn: Less awww.

Riley: Jesus. Can we get a little more specific on that last one?

Erik: My apologies, there’s only so far even a seer can see.

Riley: Alright, just gonna file that away with all the other vague anxieties. What made you want to come on the show, Erik?

Erik: I knew you were going to ask that!

Evelyn: That’s gonna get old.

Riley: [Harsh whisper] What are you, a greek chorus? [Normal] Sorry, Erik, please continue.

Erik: In addition to promoting my thoroughly thrilling upcoming Vegas show - I reiterate, tickets available at www--

Riley: [Losing patience] Yes, we got that part, but why else, Erik?

Erik: I was just getting to that! Point is, I heard tell that this basement is haunted.

Evelyn: Well, yeah, that’s the central premise of the show.

Erik: And I presupposed, who better than I, the nexus of noumena and pneumonia, to communicate with these entities of the beyond? That’s why, for the first time in podcast history, I am going to summon up my glorious power, and contact the dead, live on air!

SOUND: Evelyn laughing hysterically.

Riley: [Embarrassed] Wow. That’ll certainly be a first.

Evelyn: [Still laughing] This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Erik: For you, Riley Almanzor, and the listeners at home, I shall open up the passage between two worlds - parallel, but unable to touch. Star-crossed lovers, dancing on a cosmic stage.

Riley: [Irritated] Alright, we get it, let’s move it along.

Erik: The spirits! They move through me! [He begins speaking in tongues]

Riley: [To Evelyn] I swear to god, Evelyn, you say one word...

Erik: She is here! In the room with us! The spirit called...Emily.

Evelyn: I mean, he wasn’t that far off.

Riley: Don’t mock me with your pity.

Erik: Silence, ghoul! I’m communing with the infinite. She’s speaking to me, right now.

Evelyn: Ask him what I’m saying. Go on.

Riley: [Groans loudly, then phones it in] What does she say, oh great magician?

Erik: She says...she misses you, and cherishes the memories of your time together while she was alive.

Evelyn: He literally doesn’t know...anything. It’s almost impressive.

Erik: She’s also saying...wait a second, wait a second, it’s coming to me...she’s also saying, you all need to go to www.MagicalErik.com, and buy his forty-three step course on contacting the dead, so this terrible loneliness confounds her no longer.

Evelyn: I wonder what he’ll do if I rattle his water bottle.

Riley: It’s worth a try.

Erik: Of course it’s worth a try! The course has a 97.4% success rate!

Evelyn: And here...we...go…

SOUND: The water bottle rattles on the ground; Erik shrieks loudly.

Erik: The fuck was that? Did you do that?

Riley: Uh, no?

Erik: Jesus Christ, the spirits, they’re really here!

Evelyn: This is even better! I’m gonna do it again.

SOUND: The bottle rattles again; Erik screams again.

Erik: Fuck this, I can’t die now, think of my investments!

SOUND: Erik runs up the stairs, opens the door, and slams it.

Riley: Well, that was fucking dreadful.

Evelyn: I feel like I somehow know even less after that.

Riley: In hindsight, a white guy wearing a jewel-encrusted turban with a three-piece tuxedo probably should have been a red flag.

Evelyn: I thought the cape kind of suited him, at least.

Riley: Either way, this brings us back to a big, fat, zero. Let’s just write it off and grab lunch.

Evelyn: Come on, Riles. You don’t have to be such a debbie downer.

Riley: I have every right to be a debbie downer! I’m living in the real world - and that means avoiding disappointment by having subterranean expectations!

Evelyn: I feel like maybe you’re just used to people treating you badly so you always assume the worst. Sometimes, good things just happen.

Riley: Don’t you dare Dr. Phil me. Do you really believe a guest is just gonna walk in?

SOUND: Basement door opens.

Brains Vincent: Heeeeeey, is this Less Is Morgue?

Evelyn: [Gasps] IT’S BRAINS VINCENT! HE’S HERE! GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN!

Riley: Great. Now I look like a dick.

Brains Vincent: Sorry I’m late. A Shoggoth was blocking Oak Street so I had to take the long way round.

Evelyn: It’s okay, we’re still recording! Come on down, Brains!

SOUND: Footsteps as Brains Vincent descends into the basement.

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] Evelyn!

Evelyn: [Whispering] Yeah?

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] You didn't tell me he was a zombie!

Evelyn: [Whispering] I thought it was implied, with the whole "brains" thing. He invented Zomtouring!

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] This is gonna be a disaster.

Evelyn: [Whispering] I thought it made sense, seeing as only you and the undead can see me. What’s wrong, Riley?

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] Put two and two together, Hooper!

---

Brains Vincent: Is this seat taken?

Evelyn: Nope! Thanks so much for coming, Brains.

Brains Vincent: Really, it's no problem at all, I'm happy to help. You're Evelyn, right?

Evelyn: Yeah, we spoke over the phone.

Brains Vincent: Of course! Your voice is a lot less...raspy, in person.

Evelyn: [Laughs Nervously] Yeah, sorry about that, most tech doesn't mix with ghost voices. It takes us an hour to configure the microphones before we can record.

Brains Vincent: I get it, it's totally fine. C'est la Mort.

SOUND: Brains and Evelyn laugh together.

Brains Vincent: Who's your friend over there?

Evelyn: Oh, that's my co-host, Riley.

Riley: [Nervous, awkward] Hi.

Brains Vincent: They seem a little quiet...and sweaty.

Riley: Oh, uh, don't mind me, I'm just, uh, ventilating. It's a ghoul thing.

Evelyn: That's odd. You've never had to do that around me before, Riley.

Riley: I'm not lying.

Evelyn: I didn't say you were, I just--

Riley: [Sharp; Firm] How about you take the lead on this interview, Evelyn? After all, you booked our guest.

Evelyn: Um, sure, why not! So, Brains, how did you first get into makeup?

Brains Vincent: Well, I was never all that into cosmetics when I was alive. I just worked in Capital Circle, temping at a pet store.

Evelyn: Ooh, which one?

Brains Vincent: PetSmart!

SOUND: Riley’s stomach grumbles.

Riley: [Nervous] Sorry, pet talk, always sets me off. Carry on.

Brains Vincent: [A little confused] Huh. So anyway, one day they brought in this rare Sumatran Rat Monkey that some collector wanted to buy, but the little bastard got loose and just ate my face off my skull.

Evelyn: Oh gosh, that's horrible - don't you think so too, Riley?

Riley: [Nervous; Distracted] Yeah, what a lucky-- I mean, uh, nasty little fucker.

Brains Vincent: I died of my injuries at the hospital. Should have been expected, really - the mortality rate for employees at that PetSmart is super high, especially after they started selling those flesh-eating scarab beetles and the goldfish that can control your thoughts.

Evelyn: Why did you take such a dangerous job, Brains? Brains Vincent: That’s a funny story, actually. So it all started when I needed to get a new tank for Celine, my pet Axolotl…

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A fire ignites. Chill lounge music plays.

Satan: Overworked? Underappreciated? Harbouring a dark soul full of terrible secrets? Then go to Hell! Literally!

Hello everybody, I’m Satan, but you may also know me as the Devil, Lucifer, and your mother in law. Am I right, fellas? [Laughs] I kid, I kid. You know, people are always saying that the wages of sin is death, but who can afford to die in this economy?

If you wanna go to Hell before you die, the answer isn't smoking - it’s renting or buying a luxury Morningstar Condo, off the side of the beyootiful River Styx. You like it hot? We’ll literally boil your fucking skin off. You like dogs? Ours have three heads! That’s triple the dog! And don’t get me started on the night life - all the coke-fuelled heavy metal superstars are here, and they perform nightly, or else!

So take a break from reality, and come take a vacation down under...the Earth’s crust. You may or may not have the time of your life! And if you use this limited-time-only promo code, IRenounceMyFaithForTheDarkLord, you'll get 25% off! Morningstar Condos - you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave! [Laughs Madly]

SOUND: Another fiery blast.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

Brains Vincent: And I guess on top of that, the hours just really worked for me. Gosh, have I really been talking for forty minutes already? I am such a chatterbox.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach rumbles again.

Brains Vincent: You wanna go get a snack or something, Riley? You’re not looking too good.

Riley: [Shaky, delirious] You know, Brains, that’s an excellent idea. I think I’ve got a family of dead opossums in the freezer to tide me over…

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, can’t you at least wait until after the interview? We’re in the flow now!

Riley: That depends, Ev, how do you want the interview to end? Like I told you, I haven’t eaten this morning…

Evelyn: Just carry on with your story, Brains.

Brains Vincent: Are you sure? Your co-host--

Evelyn: You’ll be able to cope for just a few more minutes, right, Riley? You wanted to be all professional this time, didn’t you?

Riley: [Deeply distressed] Mhmm.

Evelyn: Great! Carry on, Brains.

---

Brains Vincent: Well, okay. Anyway, my family still wanted to have an open casket - even though my face looked like leftover lasagna.

Riley: [Quietly, but with a lot of feeling] Please stop.

Brains Vincent: They spent thousands on Post-Mortem Reconstruction, so by the time I rose off the slab and ate the mortician’s brain, I looked phenomenal.

Evelyn: You barely even look dead, honestly!

Brains Vincent: Thank you! I try.

Riley: [Somewhat creepy] Yeah, you look...amazing.

Brain Vincent: [Unsettled] Uh, thanks, Riley. But here's the thing, I know that not everyone can afford to blow that kind of money on their looks, but that doesn't mean they can't be beautiful. That's why I started Morbid Makeovers: So all my fellow Zoms can look drop dead gorgeous on a budget.

Evelyn: [Totally Sincere] That’s so noble of you, Brains.

Brains Vincent: I mean, it's not all out of the kindness of my totally rotten heart, the brand deals are pretty lucrative, too. I even started producing my own cosmetics line with Dermal Decay.

Evelyn: Oh, wow! That's so cool!

Brains Vincent: I actually brought some here today, I was gonna do a live presentation, if you two are interested.

Evelyn: We’re totally down!

Riley: I wasn't consulted on this.

Brains Vincent: Yay! Okay, you got a mirror?

Riley: Not in here.

Evelyn: There's one in the bathroom, though!

Brains Vincent: That works! You wanna come with me, Riley? Seeing as you have a physical body.

Riley: I don't think that's a good idea.

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, don't be such a sourpuss!

Riley: I have very sensitive skin, the makeup might--

Brains Vincent: Riley, sweetie, all of my makeup is designed with zombies in mind - so ghoul skin shouldn't be a problem.

Riley: But you might not have my shades--

Brains Vincent: I’ve got like five different grays, we’ll be okay.

Riley: I mean, I know I will be, but--

Evelyn: [Chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it!

Riley: Stop peer-pressuring me!

Evelyn: We’ll put the pictures on our Twitter! It’ll be fun.

Riley: [Groans Loudly] Fine! I warned you.

SOUND: Riley and BV stand up, and begin walking to the bathroom.

Brains Vincent: We’ll be right back.

Riley: [Nervous] Sure we will.

SOUND: Bathroom door opens.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Hi, Riley.

Riley: Hi, Jon.

SOUND: Bathroom door closes.

Evelyn: Well, well, well, looks like it's just you and me, listeners. How’s your day going? [Pause] Really? That's nice. Did you know there are whole twitter accounts that just have pictures of dogs? I hadn't seen a dog in sixteen years, then boom, dogs everywhere! Dogs driving cars - can you believe that? Can you believe that there's a dog out there that can drive? I mean, how did the dogs learn how to drive? Is there a doggy driving school? I bet every dog that goes to driving school just aces it, because dogs are good at everything. I used to have a dog - she was a rescue and her name was Peppermint. She was a Pomeranian-Cross-Alaskan-Malamute, and--

SOUND: Bathroom door opens.

Evelyn: [Excited] Hey, Riley! Let's see this makeup…[Beat] Huh. It doesn't look like you're wearing any makeup. Except that dark lipstick...Wow, it’s really smudgy, too.

Riley: [Voice shaking slightly] He was literally...a walking corpse…

Evelyn: Where’s Brains Vincent?

Riley: I tried to warn you.

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: I am a mistake of nature, a mad beast.

Evelyn: RILEY!

Riley: What were you expecting, Evelyn!?

Evelyn: STOP EATING OUR GUESTS!

Riley: I'm a ghoul and he was a zombie. This was inevitable.

Evelyn: Stop invoking fate to excuse your mistakes!

Riley: It’s my right as an American!

Evelyn: You're impossible.

SOUND: Footsteps as Riley approaches; sits down.

Riley: [groans] Do we have any Pepto Bismol? Brains had like five pounds of makeup on him, and I'm paying for it.

[Silence from Evelyn]

Riley: Are we doing the silent treatment now? Come on, Evelyn, this is just childish.

Evelyn: I worked hard to book Brains Vincent, Riley. Do you have any idea how much energy it takes for me to manifest? I need to do that every time I type!

Riley: [Totally sincere] It wasn’t totally in vain, we don’t need to buy dinner now.

Evelyn: [Demonic voice] God damn it, Riley!

Riley: [Nervous] Okay, okay, I’m sorry! In my defence, you made Magical Erik shit his slacks and run for it. We’re even on guest-disposal this episode!

Evelyn: At least I just scared him off. Brains wasn’t that lucky.

Riley: Your negativity is not helping here.

Evelyn: He was a good man, Riley!

Riley: Be that as it may, we’re still a guest podcast with no guests. The reviews are gonna dismember us.

Evelyn: Oh, like how you dismembered--

Riley: Stay on task! We need a guest, pronto, and ours are either traumatised or masticated.

Evelyn: Ew, is that what he did in the bathroom?

Riley: [Gritted teeth] It means “chewed”, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Let’s check Facebook again.

Riley: Cause it worked so well the first time!

Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] DO IT!

Riley: Alright, alright! You know, I'm aware eating living or unliving people is wrong, but I feel like, throughout that whole interview, I was sending you pretty clear signals that I wasn't doing okay.

Evelyn: [sighs] Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry for yelling. None of this would have happened if I'd just let you leave to go calm down and eat.

Riley: It’s okay, I'm pretty full now, so we could literally have a guest made out of cotton candy and Hot Wings and I'd be fine.

Evelyn: Yay?

SOUND: Riley types on their laptop.

Evelyn: How about that guy?

Riley: He’s been dead for four years. Giant ants.

Evelyn: Yikes. Okay, how about her?

Riley: Also dead. Two years. Normal sized ants.

Evelyn: That’s no excuse, I’ve been dead for over ten years, and I’m here!

Riley: Yeah, but I didn’t eat any of these people. Face it, Ev, we’re doomed - the whole episode’s a wash. I just wanted to make an interesting, insightful podcast that provokes thought and discussion about what's really going on - like if NPR weren't too chicken shit to talk about all the reptilians in government - and instead, we’re knee-deep in scary, overwhelming bullshit! We might as well just give up now.

Evelyn: We can't give up that easily. You said it yourself, Riley, podcasting is a dog eat dog world, we need to persevere. You don't have to do this alone, I can help you!

Riley: Then what do you propose we do?

Evelyn: I scared off our first guest, you ate our second. It's clear that when we don't work together on these things, it always blows up in our faces.

Riley: Okay. Agreed. Even if I don't necessarily accept full responsibility for--

Evelyn: Riley.

Riley: Right, right, okay, teamwork, I get you.

Evelyn: We've got enough usable audio from Brains and Erik to make two thirds of a decent episode, we just need one more guest to fill out the time.

Riley: Where do you expect us to find a third guest on such short notice?

Evelyn: We pause the recording, get out of the basement, and search.

Riley: Is this just an elaborate attempt to make me go outside?

Evelyn: Not the intention, just a pleasant side-effect.

Riley: [Grunts] Fine, we’ll go out and beg people like Podcast panhandlers, makes just as much sense as anything we've done today.

Evelyn: That’s the spirit! Come on, let's go.

SOUND: Shuffling. Riley clicks off the recording. A few seconds later, it starts again.

Riley: Okay so...start by saying your name.

Tiffany: Your name.

Riley: No, your name.

Tiffany: Oh, Tiffany. [stoned chuckle]

Riley: That’s great, Tiff. You're on Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Tiffany: Where’s the ghost?

Riley: You can’t see the ghost.

Tiffany: Why, did I do something wrong?

Riley: No, no, you're doing just fine, Tiffany. You're just, y’know, mortal.

Evelyn: Is she okay? She seems a little spaced out.

Riley: It’s fine, she's always like this.

Evelyn: Are you sure? I'm a little worried about her.

Riley: She’ll be chill, I swear. Whenever I make my midnight Walmart runs to buy more canned Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, she never asks questions - plus, I really don't know who else we’re gonna get on such short notice.

Evelyn: Her eyes are like...really red.

Riley: So she likes to indulge in a little of the devil’s lettuce…

Evelyn: Like really, really, really red. And super glassy.

Riley: Or even a lot of the devil’s lettuce, who are we to judge? Maybe it'll make her a more forthcoming interview subject!

Tiffany: Who’re you talking to?

Riley: Evelyn. The Ghost.

Tiffany: Wait, there’s a ghost?

Riley: [Exasperated] Tiffany, we just…

Evelyn: Be nice! We really need to keep this one.

Riley: [Gritted teeth] Tell the audience a little about yourself.

Tiffany: Well, firstly, my name’s Tiffany, so get that down.

Riley: Yes, that has been established.

Evelyn: Ask her where she works.

Riley: Where do you work, Tiffany?

Tiffany: You already know where I work.

Riley: [Frustrated, trying really, really hard to be polite] Yes, Tiffany, but our listeners at home don't. So please, tell us about who you are, and where you work.

Tiffany: I work at the Capital West Walmart Supercenter.

Riley: Good. Yes. And you've got a dream to work in the music industry, right?

Tiffany: I really want to start a metal band.

Riley: That’s interesting! What instruments do you play?

Tiffany: Oh, I don't play any instruments.

Riley: So you sing?

Tiffany: No, no, I can't really carry a tune.

Riley: [So done] Are you what happen when pregnant women take ambien?

Tiffany: Could you rephrase the question?

Evelyn: Be nice!

Riley: So what role would you play in this metal band, Tiffany?

Tiffany: I can do a really awesome metal scream.

Riley: Do you have a name for the band? Or any songs written?

Tiffany: I figured I'd let the other band members deal with all that stuff, it's not really my area of expertise.

Riley: And what is your area of expertise?

Tiffany: Really sick metal screams.

Riley: Evelyn, how much longer? This is taking decades off of my life.

Evelyn: Just a little longer!

Riley: Maybe if I throw up what’s left of Brains Vincent, we can put him back together, and continue the interview

Evelyn: Let’s just hear what she’s got, it can’t be that bad

Tiffany: I’ll demonstrate for you.

SOUND: Tiffany begins dispassionately metal-screaming.

Evelyn: Wow, it’s that bad.

Riley: Evelyn!

Evelyn: Looks like we’re good for time now.

Riley: Great! [To Tiffany] Tiffany?

Tiffany: [Stops metal-screaming] Yeah?

Riley: Thank you, you've been a wonderful guest. Now get the fuck out of my house.

Tiffany: Okay. When will this be printed?

Riley: Printed? Tiffany, it’s a-- No, fuck this. Leave!

[Awkward Silence]

Evelyn: [Stage whisper] She’s still here.

Riley: Tiffany?

Tiffany: Yeah?

Riley: I just told you to leave.

Tiffany: Oh, I didn't think you were talking to me.

Riley: Who else would I be talking to?

Tiffany: Uh, the goat you've been referring to since you dragged me down here?

Riley: Goat?

Tiffany: Yeah, the imaginary goat.

Riley: Jesus Christ, Tiffany, I knew you were a little blazed but did I miss you getting into meth? I said Ghost. G-H-O-S-T.

Tiffany: Pfft. Ghosts aren't real.

Evelyn: Uh, yeah they are.

Riley: Evelyn says they are.

Tiffany: Well of course she does, she's biased cause she's a ghost.

Riley: I thought you said ghosts weren't real?

Tiffany: Yeah, cause they’re not. Duh.

Riley: Evelyn, I think I'm having an aneurysm.

Evelyn: She’s just--

Tiffany: Are you speaking to the goat again?

Evelyn: She’s gonna--

Tiffany: Or was it the Ghost?

Evelyn: I wish she'd stop interrupting my--

Tiffany: Goats are pretty cool, I guess. But also not real.

Evelyn: SENTENCES! That’s it!

Riley: Evelyn, what are you doing?

SOUND: Weird, ghostly noises. Tiffany screams. Silence.

Riley: [Nervous] Evelyn?

Tiffany - Possessed: Wow, she just would not stop talking. Sorry, I was starting to get a metaphysical migraine.

Riley: Did you just...did you just possess Tiffany?

Tiffany - Possessed: I guess so. I didn't know I could do this. Pretty cool, right? [Mocking] Ooh, I’m Tiffany, I like to yodel and also I have a…[Normal, Confused] Pat Sajak tramp stamp? Who is this person!?

Riley: I wouldn't make a habit of doing this. It’s kinda creepy.

Tiffany - Possessed: Riley, you eat people.

Riley: Point taken. So what now?

Tiffany - Possessed: I guess I better go drop her off at Walmart. Make sure she's okay. Be right back.

SOUND: Weird, lumbering footsteps. Consistent stumbling.

Riley: [Concerned] Hey, uh, watch out for the stairs, okay?

SOUND: Stumbling.

Riley: Evelyn!

Tiffany - Possessed: Sorry, sorry, I haven’t used a body in sixteen years, I'm a little rusty. Plus, she has like...a lot of stuff in her system right now.

Riley: Just don't break it. I don't need anymore ghosts in here.

SOUND: Possessed Tiffany continues to stumble up the stairs. The door opens, and then slams.

Riley: Why is this my life now?

SOUND: Ghostly noises. Evelyn returns.

Evelyn: I return!

Riley: That was fast.

Evelyn: Yeah, I stuck her in one of those ride-share cars and sent her home. I don't think I could have possessed her for much longer. It’s not a good feeling.

Riley: Then I guess that brings this disaster to a close.

Evelyn: I think it went pretty well, all things considered.

Riley: [Baffled] What I’d give to live in your world, Evelyn, it always sounds so much nicer than mine.

Evelyn: Well, considering the fact you ate our second guest.

Riley: And you scared off our first.

Evelyn: We managed to record a pretty good show. Maybe next episode, we’ll plan the guest thing in advance.

Riley: That, Miss Hooper, we agree on. [Riley grunts in pain]

Evelyn: What’s wrong?

Riley: All that zombie makeup isn’t meant for internal use. I’m gonna go get some Tums.

Evelyn: This feels like poetic justice.

Riley: Don’t make me call an exorcist, Evelyn…

[Riley and Evelyn shuffle to turn off the mic - FADE OUT; OUTRO MUSIC]

--

Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by Scott Thomas, and written by Henry Galley. Script editing by Scott Thomas, Shaun Kingham, and Henry Galley. With episode art by Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Jeremy Showell as Jon, Scott Thomas as Satan, Alex Viney as Brains Vincent, Graham Rowat as Erik D’Corah, and Nichole Goodnight as Tiffany. Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow. Want to find out more? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue.