When Riley and Evelyn’s attempts to exorcise Pizza Ghost Jon inadvertently cut the power to the whole house, Riley’s mum calls in a weirdly intense Australian electrician who turns out to be a huge fan of the podcast.

+Transcript

Riley: Alright listeners, no banter at the top of the show this week because Evelyn and I are on borrowed time.

Evelyn: No banter? None? That seems a little drastic-

Riley: My battery just dropped from 90 to 89 percent, Evelyn. I’m serious.

Evelyn: Fair enough. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Riley: We cut the power to the house. By accident, I should clarify. We were trying to exorcise the ghost in my bathroom--

Evelyn: His name is Jon.

Riley: Yeah, Jon, whatever - we tried to do this ritual that we read online, because no way am I gonna call a priest, or two priests, to come down here and try and get rid of the ghost of someone I killed. That’s a whole can of worms I don’t want to open. But we….well….

Evelyn: We hecked it up.

Riley: We hecked it the heck up. So now the power’s out. Okay, disclaimer out of the way--

[ INTRO MUSIC ]

Riley: Let’s do the intro. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. This week, inspired by our little exorcism debacle earlier in the day, I thought Ev and I could talk a little about some of our favourite fake online rituals.

Evelyn: Yeah, you were telling me earlier about those ‘how to will your hair to grow faster’ videos and I gotta say, that’s one of the things I’m glad I missed the boat on.

Riley: So you never tried any stupid rituals you saw online?

Evelyn: I mean, I may have tried to cast a love spell or two in my day. But that was all stuff from books of spells you’d find in new-age stores, you know, peer-reviewed stuff.

SOUND: The basement door creaking open, followed by descending footsteps.

Riley: I once tried to manifest the Jonas Brothers in a lucid dream--[Their sentence trails off.]

Beat

Riley: ...Hi.

Jarrod: How’s it goin’?

Riley: Get out of my room.

Jarrod: I’m an electrician… I was told the fuse box was down here.

SOUND: Jarrod holds up and gently rattles his box of electrician’s tools. Riley gets out of their chair and stomps over to the stairs.

Riley: [Yelling up through the door] Mom! Mom!

Evelyn: [to the audience] Just bear with us, listeners. [to Riley] She just left for work, didn’t she?

Riley: Ah, shit, you’re right.

Jarrod: I didn’t say anything.

Riley: Be silent! [to Evelyn] You know, I told her to stop doing this but she never fucking listens - she knows my history, she knows I do a podcast, and yet she never warns me when people are coming down here.

Jarrod: Oh, is that what that setup there is? Youse recording a podcast?

Riley: [bitter] Yeah, I would be.

Jarrod: Don’t stop on my account, I’ll stay out of your hair.

[BEAT]

Jarrod: Wait a second! I thought I recognised the name ‘Almanzor’- You’re Riley, right?

Riley: [defensive] Who says?

Jarrod: This is Less is Morgue, isn’t it? Fuckin’ ripper, I love this bloody show. Where’s Evelyn? She around?

Evelyn: Hi, electrician!

Jarrod: Ah, I suppose it’s a dumb thing to ask since nobody can see or hear her except the other undead beings, Florida Man, the sea captain, and that one guest who came in on a bunch of drugs.

Riley: Oh god, you really do listen to the show.

Jarrod: Name’s Jarrod, Jarrod McKnight. I tweet at your account every time I listen to an episode. How come you’ve never replied?

Riley: I don’t- uh… Give us a second. The fuses are in that closet under the stairs.

SOUND: Riley goes over to Evelyn and Jarrod goes to the fusebox.

Riley: [stage whisper] I know this guy. I muted him on twitter because every time he listens to us he makes the exact same tweet and it got really irritating.

Evelyn: What should we do?

Riley: If he tries anything creepy, we kill him.

Evelyn: But then he’d just be sticking around as a ghost and that’d be worse.

Riley: Shit. You’re absolutely right.

Jarrod: [from the other side of the room] Here’s the issue - shouldn’t be too hard to sort out. I’ll just need to replace these parts here.

Riley: That’s good! You’ll be able to get out of here as soon as possible.

Jarrod: Nah, nah, don’t let me get in your way! Just keep on recording like I’m not here.

[BEAT]

Riley: So anyway, like I was saying, when I was 12 I tried to summon the Jonas Brothers in a lucid dream using a method that I found on some forum--

Jarrod: You know what? You know what, though? People just don’t have any respect for electricity, and I’ll tell you what - that’s everything that’s wrong with society today.

[BEAT]

Jarrod: You know who had respect for electricity? Frankenstein. They all told him, oh, you can’t raise the dead, you can’t create new life from pieces of other things, but you know what? He did it. And you know why?

[BEAT]

Riley: Was it because he knew how to respect electricity?

Jarrod: Yeah, it was.

Riley: You know Frankenstein is a novel, right? Like… it’s fiction.

Jarrod: [he genuinely did not know this] Oh yeah?

Riley: Yeah, it’s like… fully fictional.

Jarrod: Maybe so. You could have something there.

Riley: No, I know I’m objectively right.

SOUND: Electrical noises.

Jarrod: Alright, that looks promising. Let’s, uh… let’s make sure it’s all working properly.

SOUND: Jarrod crosses the room and starts flipping switches on the walls.

Jarrod: Lights… all good. Air con… all good. Is this the door to the bathroom?

Riley: I would prefer you to use the one upstairs.

Jarrod: Nah, nah, I just wanted to see--

SOUND: Door opening.

Jarrod: Is Jon in here?

Jon: Yes.

Jarrod: I can’t see him, I don’t know why I’m asking. Jon’s great, really brings a lot to the podcast.

Riley: Jon’s barely in any of the episodes.

Jarrod: He’s been in most of my favourites. Bathroom lights are all working fine… Hey Jon, knock something over.

Jon: You’re not the boss of me.

Evelyn: Come on, Jon, humour him.

SOUND: Jon sighs and throws a tube of toothpaste on the ground. Jarrod hoots excitedly.

Jarrod: Yes! You gun! You beauty!

SOUND: Jarrod laughs, sighs, then returns to work.

Jarrod: TV, fine... oh, shit, hey, Riley? Mate?

Riley: I’m not your mate, buddy.

Jarrod: Can I fire up the ol’ Silverstream box for a tick?

Riley: I don’t see why, it’s hooked up to the TV and not to the power socket--

Jarrod: Show me Morby.

Riley: Are you serious?

Jarrod: I’m not here to fuck spiders, Riles. I wanna see Morby.

Riley: (baffled) No, you don’t!

Jarrod: C’mon, I love that little bastard! Lemme see Morby!

SOUND: Jarrod clicking through the suggestions on Silverstream.

Riley: He almost absorbed the universe.

Jarrod: Nah, we’ll be right, I just wanna see Morby.

SOUND: End of Paramount Heathers theme tune - if it had one? God knows, nobody watched it.

Veronica: [on the TV] But JD, won’t the fact that our plan hinges on being able to hack Heather Chandler’s snapchat account seem really dated by the time this episode actually airs?

JD: [on the TV] Veronica, darling, you have to be current to be timeless. Isn’t that right, Morby?

Morby: [on the TV] Morby senses that someone is paying attention.

Jarrod: Ohhhh look, there he is! It’s Morby! I loved your episode, Morby.

Riley: That’s enough!

SOUND: Morby starts trying to leave the TV but Riley wrestles the remote away from Jarrod and turns it off. In the process, the power gets cut again.

Riley: Nice going, idiot. The power’s out again.

Jarrod: [tuts] Must be a more complex problem than I initially thought. Might have to order new parts in.

SOUND: Jarrod walks back to the fuse box.

Riley: If this guy doesn’t fucking leave- [to Evelyn] How are we doing for battery life?

Evelyn: 75.

Riley: Good enough.

Jarrod: So lemme ask youse something-

Riley: Please don’t.

Jarrod: What was your favourite guest you’ve ever had on? I think mine was that sheila with the Russian ghost yelling at her. Or, no - maybe when you talked about investments. You know what - I’ve got some thoughts on what that Blackbeard guy was saying. I think he had some good points, but I’ve been running my own business as a sparky for years so I’ve got plenty of experience-

SOUND: Electricity noises.

Jarrod: Oh, there it is- yep. There’s your problem right there.

Riley: [grumbling] You’re the only problem here….

SOUND: Riley’s dad knocking on the door. He opens it.

Teddy: Hey, sport - what’s going on down here?

Riley: Just down here with the electrician, dad.

Evelyn: Hi, Teddy!

SOUND: Riley’s dad comes down the stairs.

Teddy: Hey, hi, I’m Teddy, how’s everything?

Jarrod: G’day Ted, just giving the ol’ fuse box a bit of a captain cook - it looked like it was fixed but it’s actually a much more complex issue.

Teddy: Huh, okay.

Jarrod: See that, right there?

Teddy: Yeah.

Jarrod: Initially it just looked like a simple circuit overload.

Teddy: Makes sense.

Jarrod: But it shorted out again, so I went back in to take another squiz at it, and I found that.

Teddy: [has no idea what it is but is pretending to] Hm. Yeah.

Jarrod: You see that?

Teddy: Yeah, I see that. I mean, I obviously know exactly what that is, but you may want to say it out loud for Riley’s benefit.

Riley: Oh, I don't care, don't worry about it.

Teddy: Well, um, maybe just say it anyway? For luck?

[BEAT]

Jarrod: You’ve got an ectoplasmic build up in your circuit breaker. Bloody thing’s absolutely chockers with the stuff.

Teddy: Exactly what I thought.

Jarrod: You’re lucky your missus called me and not anyone else, because a lesser sparky would’ve missed that and then you’d have been paying for them to come out twice.

Teddy: Oh, absolutely. So, uh, anything I can do to help out?

Jarrod: Nah, nah… Might need you to hop up the apples and pears, out to the servo, and pick me up some white candles so I can cleanse this hardware.

Teddy: Okay, there were enough context clues for me to understand that request.

Jarrod: You bloody beauty. I won’t charge you extra for this, though - since I’m such a fan of your kid’s podcast, I’ll be willing to give you mates’ rates.

Teddy: [to Riley] You recording your podcast down here, Riley?

Riley: Yes, dad, I was.

Teddy: Well that’s just great. And you say hi to Adeline for me, okay?

Riley: Her name is Evelyn, I told you.

Teddy: It sure is, champ.

Riley: If you and mom actually listened to the show, like I asked you to, you’d know Evelyn is real.

Teddy: I know, we’ll get around to it. Don’t distract Jarrod too much, okay?

[JARROD SUDDENLY SEEMS FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS]

Jarrod: Evelyn is real.

Teddy: [you can hear the wink] Yeah, I know.

Jarrod: No, don’t come the raw prawn with me, mate, she is.

Teddy: You’re gripping my shoulder a little tight there, buddy.

Jarrod: How dare you. Riley’s your own fuckin’ kid and you should listen to their show. It’s a bloody fantastic piece of audio entertainment.

Teddy: Mr. McKnight, you're hurting me.

Riley: Uh, Jarrod? Maybe take a chill pill?

Jarrod: No can do, Riley. Sometimes, you've gotta make an example of someone.

SOUND: Jarrod unsheathes a huge blade.

Teddy: Why on earth do you carry that knife!?

Jarrod: It’s a safeguard, in case things get nasty.

Teddy: You’re making things nasty!

Riley: Jarrod, Jarrod, just stop? Okay? I'll, uh, quote-tweet you after the episode drops.

Jarrod: Really?

Riley: Yes, really! Just please don't gut my dad. Mom would be pissed.

SOUND: Jarrod sheathes his blade.

Jarrod: Sorry mate, didn’t mean to get so aggro, but you know how it gets when your favourite podcast is on the line. No hard feelings?

Teddy: Uh...alright...so I’ll go get those candles?

Jarrod: You apologise to Evelyn first.

Teddy: Uh...Rye-Rye, where’s Evelyn right now?

Riley: By the desk.

Teddy: Hey Evelyn, sorry I dismissed your existence.

Evelyn: It’s no big deal.

Riley: Evelyn says it’s fine.

Teddy: Alright. Well, uh...I’m gonna go.

Jarrod: Cheers, Ted.

Riley: So, while the men try and fix the electricity … my battery’s at 69%.

Jarrod and Evelyn: Nice.

Riley: I think we’ve got time left. Evelyn, what were you saying earlier about the love spell?

Evelyn: Well, it’s not that great of a story-

Riley: Just tell it, kill some time.

Evelyn: Okay, okay, so...I went into this new age bookstore when I was 14-

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Twee guitar music starts playing.

Todd: Hi, everybody. It’s me, Todd. You might remember when I came on this show to tell you all about Todd’s Heaven, Ars Socia, Tinder But For Ghosts, and other amazing products. Well, I’m here to tell you about a new addition to the Todd Family. Listen- mental health is a really serious topic, one that we should all be talking about more often. We live in difficult times, full of social turmoil, job and school stress, family problems, general existential dread, and sometimes we all need help getting through the day. But therapy can be expensive, and good therapists can be hard to find. That’s why I’m unveiling my new subscription service- Todd Thoughts. If you sign up for Todd Thoughts, we’ll send daily positive affirmations and self care reminders directly into your brain. It’ll push out all of your intrusive thoughts and negative self-talk.

SOUND: The music glitches slightly.

Todd: That’s right, for just a monthly fee of 9.99, you can completely free yourself from the burden of active consciousness. Live your life freely and without worry, knowing that you no longer have to fear your own brain. Why risk having another negative thought that could potentially hamper your productivity? With Todd Thoughts, you’ll get hourly reminders to stay hydrated and eat your vegetables, regular reminders of your inherent value as an individual, personally catered advertisements for products your body needs, and we’ll even access your entire long-term memory so that we can periodically trigger your most positive memories for those times when you feel like nothing good has ever happened to you. This is a service I really feel passionately about, because I think your mental health is important. I think you deserve to be happy. (his voice glitches) Free thought is just a hassle, in the long run, anyway. Don’t worry about it anymore! I’m here to take care of you.

SOUND: The music returns to normal, as does Todd’s voice.

Todd: Sign up for Todd Thoughts with the promo code ‘Less is morgue’ and get your first year of hassle-free thought for free! Todd Thoughts- why worry?

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: - So it was a failure, but in a way, it was really a success. Except the part where everyone got salmonella.

Riley: That was, like most of the stories you tell me, weirdly heartwarming.

Evelyn: Thanks. I’m glad you let me tell it.

SOUND: The door opens and Teddy comes downstairs.

Teddy: Here are those candles you wanted.

Jarrod: Cheers, big ears. Make a circle and light ‘em, would ya?

Evelyn: Aw, the audio glitched.

Riley: Doesn’t matter, this episode is such a shitshow we’ll probably re-do it some other time.

SOUND: Jarrod sprints over to the desk.

Jarrod: Did the audio cock up? Was it one of those ads?

Riley: Uhh...you’re sweating a lot right now.

Jarrod: Fuckin’ love those bloody ads! You know that one where Zeus is selling the condoms? Absolute classic.

Riley: How’s that electricity going, Jarrod?

Jarrod: I don’t think I like your tone.

Riley: Oh, really?

Jarrod: You know what makes me a good electrician?

Riley: I really don’t.

Jarrod: I’m a good electrician because the wires speak to me. You and everyone else, you don’t respect the electricity. Electricity is in everything and we just expect it to do our bidding? You’re fucking joking. You’ve gotta get on its level. I know how to do that. You don’t.

Riley: I just wish you would do that and stop interrupting my podcast to tell me things about my podcast.

Jarrod: You should be thankful! I’m a fan, I’m complimenting you!

Teddy: Riley, just leave him alone so he can do his job, okay?

Riley: Dad, are you serious?

Jarrod: Oh, right, I’ve gotta do this thing.

Riley: Yeah, you do!

Teddy: [stern] Riley.

Riley: Dad!

SOUND: Jarrod walks back to the fuse box.

Jarrod: Alright, now it’s time to work my magic.

SOUND: Ominous crackling.

Evelyn: He’s literally shooting electricity out of his hands.

Riley: What the fuck, why didn’t he do that before?

SOUND: The crackling gets louder, then quietens.

Jarrod: Okay, you should be all home and hosed now, mate.

Teddy: So do you want me to do anything else with this-

Jarrod: No, don’t-

SOUND: Electricity noises.

Jarrod: Ted, you absolute fucking dingo. If you weren’t the old man of the host of my favourite podcast, I would be leaving you here in the dark.

Teddy: I was just trying to help-

Jarrod: I’m sorry, did you climb a mountain to learn the secrets of Zeus himself? No? You’re not a fucking electrician, then.

Evelyn: Riley, what’s the battery looking like?

Riley: It’s down to 40%.

Evelyn: Maybe we should just go play monopoly.

Riley: For once, I think that would be less frustrating than what we’re currently doing.

[END]

After Riley gives Bubba, their favourite GhostMates delivery boy, a shout-out in an episode, he hears the episode and mistakes it for a declaration of love.

+Transcript

Evelyn: So, Riley, you've been in a mood today...are you still bummed about that lame t-shirt that the aliens gave you?

Riley: No....actually, yes...I'm bummed about two things.

Evelyn: What's the second thing?

Riley: Well-

[INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: You know how I order from that BBQ place a lot? And how they always send the same delivery guy? And how a few episodes back I gave him a shout-out on air?

Evelyn: Aww, you mean Bubba? He's so nice- y'know...for a huge, beefy dude who always wears camo pants and masks made out of other people's skin.

Riley: That's the problem with him, Ev! He's a nice guy.

Evelyn: Yeah, he's a really nice guy!

Riley: No, Evelyn. He's a Nice Guy. Capital N, capital G.

Beat

Evelyn: You lost me.

Riley: I’ll explain once we’ve done the intro. I’m your best ghoulfriend, Riley-

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: (rushing) And this is Less Is Morgue the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff. (they take a deep breath) Look- you've tried ghost dating, and maybe that doesn’t change, but here in the world of the living, times have changed and the rules of courtship have changed with them.

Evelyn: Uh-huh.

Riley: See, listeners, in the time that I have been ordering out from the Last Chance Texas-Style BBQ, sweet, simple, impressionable Bubba has decided that he is in love with me.

Evelyn: It's really cute.

Riley: It's not cute! It's annoying! The other day he brought me some dead squirrels with my order. I thought, oh, they're rewarding me for tipping so well. But then the next day he showed up even though I hadn't ordered anything.

Evelyn: C'mon, Riley, that was really sweet- he was holding up a boombox and everything. It was just like a John Hughes movie.

Riley: Perfect segue to my point- wooing a potential partner doesn't work like it does in John Hughes movies anymore, Evelyn. People now are aware of things like consent and boundaries, and we've all collectively realised that continuing to go after someone who has never once shown you any romantic interest in return isn't cute, it's not commendable, it's fucking rude and weird and sad.

Evelyn: That's a little harsh. I mean, sure, you've never been explicitly flirty with him or anything, but it's not like you've ever directly told him 'no' either. He probably thinks you're playing coy.

Riley: The past truly is a different country.

Evelyn: So- wait. If you don't want Bubba to come around anymore....why did you order 3 servings of cheesy fries from Last Chance before we started recording?

Riley: They are damn good cheesy fries and I won't let one socially inept delivery boy ruin them for me. I called them up, anyway. I've told them to send a different guy from now on.

SOUND: Knock at the door. Riley goes up the stairs and opens it.

Zeke: Delivery for Riley Almanzor?

Riley: Yep, that's me.

SOUND: Zeke whacking Riley over the head with a hammer.

Zeke: HOW’S THAT FOR CHEESE FRIES?

Evelyn: Oh, I don't like that noise.

SOUND: Zeke, who is hollering like a maniac, runs down the stairs and collects up Riley's mic and laptop.

Evelyn: Oh, I don’t like that noise-

Zeke: Got 'em, Bubba?

Bubba: [indistinct grunting]

Evelyn: I really don't like this.

[ WEIRD AD TIME ]

SOUND: Dramatic music playing

Scott: The new Death Coaster at 4 and a Half Flags over Hell. 19 loops. 50 metres of upside down track. A drop so intense that you will literally go blind. We dare you to ride this and live. You won’t. You literally will, 100%, for sure die. I’m not even doing a bit right now. I’m not playing a character. This is me, Scott Thomas, the actual literal producer of this episode, telling you that if you ride this roller coaster, you will die. And if you somehow do manage to survive the Death Coaster, I have been instructed by the owners of 4 and a Half Flags over Hell to hunt you down and, straight up, uppercut your nose into your brain. I cannot stress enough that Death Coaster isn’t just a name, it is a warning. It is a promise.

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

The audio cuts out. Shuffling as it's turned back on.

Zeke: So I guess I press this here-

Bubba: [uninteligible]

Zeke: God damn it, I'm tryin'! This is a mac.

SOUND: Clicks

Zeke: Hey Bubba, get a load of this! When you make a noise it makes the lil' shapes move up and down! I can see my voice! Come on and see what your voice looks like, Bubba!

SOUND: Bubba comes over. They both start yelling at different volumes and pitches and vocalising randomly.

Evelyn: Hey, Riley...you okay?

Riley: (waking up) Yeah...my head hurts.

Evelyn: Well, you did get knocked out. Do you think you're gonna be seriously injured?

SOUND: Zeke and Bubba continue to make random noises and laugh hysterically at the computerized waveforms.

Riley: My skull won't be nearly as bruised as my ego seeing as these morons managed to kidnap me.

Zeke: Hey, Bubba! Your datemate's awake! Hey, hey Riley- you talkin' to Evelyn over there? Tell her hi for us!

Riley: She can hear you.

Evelyn: Hi, kidnappers!

Zeke: Sorry about whackin' you over the head and all that, real, real sorry- but we had to get you over here somehow. See, my lil' brother and I, we tune in to your show every week. We started listenin' after the first time you ordered us on GhostMates and our ad somehow ended up on your episode. Ain't that right, Bubba?

Bubba: [ unintelligible ]

Zeke: And Bubba really took a shine to the sound of your voice, and your sense of humour, and the fact that you once admitted to eating a whole dead goat in one go.

Riley: I knew that'd come back to haunt me.

Zeke: And you're always so nice to him. Hell, when you went on your show and said he was your favourite delivery guy, well, that was just about the nicest thing anybody'd ever said about him.

Evelyn: (choked up) Oh. Wow.

Riley: Don't you dare feel sympathy for him, he's doing crimes.

Evelyn: You've done crimes and I still love you!

Riley: I'm the exception that proves the rule.

Beat

Riley: I'm sorry, continue.

Zeke: Well....Bubba's not too good with the girls- or ghouls, neither- he gets shy, and he can't really talk none ever since that cow kicked him in the face when he was 10. So he comes to me, he says, hey Zeke- my name's Zeke, by the way- he says Hey Zeke, you gotta help me talk to Riley, you gotta be my wingman.

Riley: Why is it only the insane fans that we run into in real life? Why is it never the nice people, who tag us in memes or tweet us pictures of their pets?

Zeke: Oh, you want animal pictures? I got loads of 'em right here.

SOUND: Shuffling as Zeke pulls out a selection of polaroids from his bag.

Zeke: Look at this!

SOUND: Evelyn retches.

Riley: That's a dead cow.

Zeke: Yup! You keep it, now. That's yours.

Evelyn: You want me to possess one of these guys?

Riley: No, Evelyn...well, if he tries to break my ankles, maybe-

Bubba: [shocked, indignant noises]

Riley: What, so you're not gonna hobble me and force me to record a bunch of episodes with you? Because I'm sorry, but that's what it looks like is happening here. I mean, hell, you've even got a pig sitting next to you.

SOUND: Pig snorting.

Riley: And if I was gonna describe a kidnapper's dungeon, I would describe this exact fucking room.

Bubba: [upset noises]

Zeke: Come on now, Bubba, they didn't mean it.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, you made him cry....I think? I can't tell with the mask on.

Riley: You're still on his side? He fucking kidnapped us and you're still on his side?

Evelyn: Well, no, not really, but I don't like seeing people cry. I'm sorry, that's just what I'm like!

Zeke: Riley- listen. Listen. We ain't gonna break your legs, and we ain't kidnapped ya. Hell, you ain't even tied up! I dunno why you've been sitting like that, y'all are completely free to move.

Riley: Oh. Huh...I guess my brain just assumed, given my surroundings.

SOUND: Riley gets up.

Zeke: Don't try and leave, though. The door is rigged with a shotgun attached to a trip wire.

Riley: ...Oh.

SOUND: Riley sits back down.

Riley: So, what do you want?

SOUND: Rustling paper and leaves as Bubba holds out a bouquet of flowers.

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Riley: Oh wow. Roses.

Bubba: [insistent grunting]

Riley: Oh, there- I see the card.

SOUND: They unfold the card.

Riley: So these are some squiggles, and a little pen drawing of me and Bubba on a two-person bike.

Bubba: [happy noise]

Riley: Wow, Bubba, that's- maybe you should've led with the card and not the stalking and kidnapping, huh.

Zeke: Fuck's sake, Riley, we ain't kidnapped ya!

Riley: YOU BOOBY-TRAPPED THE DOOR!

Bubba: [questioning]

Zeke: No, it was on AlphaMalePickups.info, and their dating advice always works!

Bubba: [disagreement]

Zeke: That time doesn't count.

Bubba: [incredulity]

Zeke: No, I'm the best at talkin' to girls. You shut up, you don't know shit.

Evelyn: So, do you want me to go get help? I could phase through the door, go back home and get Alexa to call the police. They wouldn't know, it'd be super sneaky.

Riley: No, not yet.

Evelyn: Why not?

Riley: I don't want to be left here alone with these two.

Evelyn: Okay, well- maybe you can try and use reverse psychology. Let him take you on a date, then when he's not paying attention, you run for it.

Riley: That could work, actually. (they clear their throat) Bubba?

Bubba: huh?

Riley: I'll...uh...we'll have a date, I guess.

Bubba: [squeals]

Riley: Yep, me too-

SOUND: Bones crunching

Riley: (choked) O-okay, big guy, that's, uh- that's enough of a hug. I'm blacking out.

Bubba: [apologetic]

Riley: It's fine...I, uh, I think it's pretty cool that you're so strong. So, what do you wanna do? Wanna go to a movie, maybe get some ice cream...(rushed) preferably in a large, well lit area with loads of witnesses?

Bubba: [disappointed]

Riley: What? What's wrong?

Zeke: Bubba can't go out. He's grounded.

Riley: Grounded?

Zeke: Yeah, on account of you called in to complain about him. Dad got real pissed, 'cuz you're one of his best customers.

Riley: Huh. Well...I'm glad you got some kind of punishment for that...but...how old are you?

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Zeke: Bubba's just turned 21.

Evelyn: Happy Birthday, Bubba!

Riley: So- you're a grown-ass adult, you're like 7 feet tall and stronger than God, and your dad still grounds you.

Bubba: [noise that expresses something to the effect of 'what are you gonna do, hey?']

Riley: That fucking sucks, man. I'm sorry. Maybe we should reschedule the date for after you're grounded-

Bubba: [insistent disagreement]

Zeke: Bubba says no can do, chief. See, he's grounded for a month, and this time next month I'm already gonna be hitchhiking to Burning Man. He wanted me to be here.

Riley: I see.

Zeke: Don't be disappointed, now. Bubba's got a real nice night planned for the two of y'all. Well- I mean, three...counting Evelyn. Four, since I’m here...Ain't that right, Bubba?

Bubba: [grunts in the affirmative]

SOUND: Bubba pulls out a banjo.

Evelyn: Oh, thank god that's just a banjo. I was half expecting an axe.

Riley: No, this is worse. This is way worse.

Evelyn: Riley, this is not the time to make snide comments about other peoples' tastes in music.

Riley: I'm trying to use humour to stay cool, Ev. Let me live.

Zeke: For the last time- we ain't kidnapped ya! It's called 'negging'!

Riley: It was a figure of speech! And I wasn't talking to you!

Bubba: [questioning]

Riley: Yeah, sure, go ahead and play.

SOUND: Bubba starts playing a song on his banjo.

Evelyn: Oh wow, he kinda shreds.

Riley: Of course you would say that.

SOUND: furious banging on the door.

BBQ Dad: Bubba! You cut that racket right now, boy! I'm tryin'a watch the game! And which one of you baboons tied my good shotgun to the ceiling?

Zeke: Get lost, Dad, I got friends over!

BBQ Dad: They better not be talkin' to Bubba or I'll whoop your ass! Y'all know he's grounded for what he done!

SOUND: Bubba puts down the banjo.

Bubba: [sadly apologetic]

Riley: What'd he say?

Zeke: He says he hope you ain't put off by (the volume of his voice raises) THE FACT THAT OUR DAD IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT.

Beat

Zeke: He can't hear me. Old man's goin' deaf.

Bubba: [unintelligible]

Zeke: Yeah, you said it, Bubba.

Riley: It's fine...I mean, you listen to the show, you probably know how I feel about my mom.

Bubba: [expression of solidarity]

Riley: So, uh...what else do you want to do on our...(they kind of puke in their mouth) date?

Bubba: [makes a noise that sounds like he's trying and failing to say 'candlelit dinner']

Evelyn: Aw he's put candles on the folding poker table. That's kind of sweet.

Riley: Evelyn how many times do I have to say he kidnapped me? When is that gonna sink in?

Zeke: (exhausted) Jesus H. Christ on a bike- we ain't-

Riley: Yes!! You did!!! You took me to a location without warning, without my consent, that is the dictionary definition of kidnapping!

SOUND: Plates clattering.

Bubba: [noises]

Evelyn: Oh, that looks- that looks like my brain after the stadium lighting fixture smashed my head open. What is that?

Riley: It's ...uh....patte? I think?

Zeke: No, it's headcheese!

Riley: Eh, not even close to the grossest thing I've eaten.

Evelyn: I know he doesn't respect your boundaries, but you two might actually be perfect for each other.

Riley: Up yours, Evelyn.

Zeke: What'd she say?

Riley: She can't get on my level, food-wise.

SOUND: Chewing and cutlery clinking as they eat.

Zeke: You know, Bubba and me, we really, really liked that episode you did last week.

Evelyn: Oh god, no.

Riley: (impressed) You did?

Evelyn: No- I can't deal with this again.

Zeke: I mean, nobody's speaking out about the Lucky Charms! And it goes way deeper than Lucky Charms, too! Bubba, bubba-

Bubba: [makes an indistinct noise with his mouth full]

Zeke: What was it you were tellin' me about Sugar Crisp?

Bubba: Oh! Uh-huh, uh-huh... [ He starts speaking in indistinct gibberish. His inflection suggests he's telling a story, and he gets very animated- whatever his sugar crisp discovery was, it completely changed his life. At the end of his story, he says one line of particularly serious-sounding gibberish, then leaves a pause for impact.]

SOUND: Bubba makes a noise like an explosion, indicating that his mind was blown.

Evelyn: Is it weird that I feel like I understood all of that?

Riley: Yes.

SOUND: Plates clinking.

Riley: Can I ask you something, Bubba?

Bubba: Uh-huh?

Riley: Why did you bring my mic and laptop and start recording?

Bubba: [unintelligible explanation]

Zeke: Bubba says he wanted to make this date into an episode, y'know, because he wanted to feel involved in something.

Bubba: [agreement]

Beat

Riley: I get the feeling that you don't have a lot of friends.

Bubba: [begrudgingly admitting that they're right]

Riley: I don't have a lot of friends either, so I get it. I mean- I don't generally want to have friends, so it's not exactly the same, but- I get that dealing with people is confusing.

Bubba: [exasperated agreement- I know right? It's so hard!]

Riley: But you know, you could've just- well, I guess you can't talk, but...Evelyn, how do I not be mean?

Evelyn: Tell him that....uh...shoot, you really put me on the spot here-

Riley: (through their teeth) C'mon, Hooper, he's giving me a weird look. If I say the wrong thing he's gonna wig out.

Evelyn: Okay- okay, tell him he's very sweet, and that you appreciate that he has these feelings towards you-

Riley: I think you're...very sweet, and I appreciate that you have these feelings towards me-

Evelyn: But you don't feel the same way back, and it was wrong of him to assume you did.

Riley: But I don't feel the same way back, and it was wrong of you to assume I did.

SOUND: Fork scraping on plate- Bubba's sulking and picking at his food.

Riley: You're taking this pretty well. (to Evelyn) I kind of assumed that he'd completely lose it.

Bubba: [noise that expresses something to the effect of 'I'm right here and I can hear you']

Evelyn: You ought to apologise again. I still think he looks mad- or...that could just be the mask being scrunched up a little at the top.

Riley: I don't know why, I'm not the kidnapper here. Zeke, if you say anything I will gut you with my bare hands.

Evelyn: Yeah, I know, but...it's not his fault he's got a messed-up idea of how to interact with other people. He's a big, mute, redneck cannibal with a dad who yells at him all the time. That's not a very stable home situation.

Riley: I guess you're right.

Evelyn: You know- I think Zeke and Bubba aren't too different from you and me, I mean...listen to them.

Bubba: [makes a noise]

Zeke: No, Bubba, that ain’t gonna solve anything.

Bubba: [insistent]

Zeke: You can't! It's not like human at all.

Bubba: [ continuing to argue his point]

Zeke: I told you, Bubba, the meat's poison. You can't solve all your problems by eating them.

Bubba: [sulks]

Zeke: No, it was your idea!

Bubba: [arguing]

Zeke: No it wasn't, it was your idea!

Riley: I think we should run for it while they're arguing.

Evelyn: I was kind of thinking the same thing. I'll phase through the door, and you can duck down and open the door like halfway to trip the wire, and then once the gun's gone off you run.

Zeke: (unaware of Riley and Evelyn) You're really gonna bring that up in front of people, huh?

Bubba: [exasperated- ‘nobody except you can understand me!’]

Zeke: I know, but one day you're gonna say something around people and they will understand you and what then?

SOUND: Riley gets up and sneaks to the door. Evelyn phases through. Zeke and Bubba are still arguing.

Evelyn: (from the other side of the door) It's at about your shoulder level.

Riley: Ok, I'm gonna duck down as low as I can.

SOUND: The door unlatches, followed by a shotgun blast.

Zeke: Oh, fuck!

Bubba: [upset]

Zeke: No, it looks like they escaped.

Bubba: [relieved, then sad]

Zeke: Yeah, well, I guess you win some you lose some.

The audio cuts.

SOUND: Riley, back in their basement, is happily eating a plate of cheesy fries.

Riley: So, we're safe now, obviously, or else we wouldn't have posted this episode.

Evelyn: Riley managed to flag down a pickup that was driving our way.

Riley: And the next day, I called up Last Chance and explained to Zeke and Bubba's dad what happened. I know he's a piece of shit, but...he at least made them drop my laptop and mic back off at the house, and for my trouble I got a month's supply of free cheesy fries.

Evelyn: Well, I'd just like to say-

Riley: Don't do it.

Evelyn: Come on, let me live.

Riley: Evelyn-

Evelyn: It's a figure of speech! Anyway, I'd just like to say- hey, Bubba, we know you're listening, and we wanna forgive you, but you have to promise you'll never show up at Riley's house uninvited again, okay? We can only forgive you if you promise to do that. Riley likes you-

Riley: Mm- you like him, I tolerate him.

Evelyn: - but only as a friend, and only when you and your brother aren't holding us hostage.

Riley: Right. I'm glad you said it so I don't have to.

[END]

Riley and Evelyn discuss the prevalent topic of the milkshake duck, the standards to which we hold celebrities, and some famous monsters of history turn up in a time machine to clear up some misconceptions - badly.

+Transcript

SOUND: Auld Lang Syne plays.

Scott: Happy New Year, everybody, it’s your friendly neighbourhood audio producer-man, Scott Thomas. If you’re listening to this, it means you survived 2020. Good for you. We’re glad you’re still here with us. It’s been a weird fucking year, hasn’t it? And it probably won’t be the last one - especially seeing as I’m likely to ascend to true godhood when the stars align, and then it’ll be over for all of you. Especially that dick Robbie Mason from 10th grade. [Sinister laugh] Oh, that fucker Robbie is gonna get his. [beat] Wait, what was I saying?

Oh yeah. We here at Less Is Morgue just want to thank you for sticking with us for your biweekly podcast entertainment - especially if you stuck around for the outros. Your support has meant the world to us, and we hope to keep bringing you Your Best Ghoulfriend and Your Ghost Host with the Most for a long time to come. I guess the last thing to say is that we hope you have a happy, healthy, and safe new year, and, without further adieu, on with the show!

SOUND: Song fades out. Episode begins.

Riley: Evelyn, let’s swear an oath to never become famous. Here and now, for all of our listeners.

Evelyn: Never is really not the same thing when you're a ghost, Riley.

Riley: Focus! I’m trying to preserve our integrity here.

Evelyn: I think that’s something we’ll always have, as long as we stay true to the spirit of the show.

Riley: The only spirit on this show is you.

Evelyn: Awww, thank you. That’s such a nice thing to say.

Riley: I was merely stating observable facts. Even if the observable part is only true for me, the undead, and crackpots.

Evelyn: Why are you so worried about getting famous all of a sudden?

Riley: It’s not the getting famous part, but what comes after.

Evelyn: Oh?

Riley: After the glory, here comes the shame: Absolute power, Evelyn. It corrupts, and it does so absolutely completely.

Evelyn: Absolutely and completely?

Riley: Yes. It’s that powerful.

Evelyn: Well, gosh. I guess this is serious.

Riley: I am always one hundred percent serious, Evelyn. The people at home rely on me to give them the pure, unfiltered truth.

Evelyn: Yeah, I'm sure that's why they tune in every other week…

Riley: What’s--

[Intro Music]

Riley: That supposed to mean?

Evelyn: Nothing, Riles. Nothing at all. [to the audience] Hey everyone, if you're listening to this, it means you're here to...uh, get the pure, unfiltered truth from my co-host!

Riley: That’s more like it. Speaking of truth, cannibalism has been recorded in 1,500 animal species, making it ecologically common. And yet, my dad still side-eyes me for eating grandpa. Welcome to Less Is Morgue. I’m Riley, your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most. Also: Dear lord, Riley.

Riley: Where was I? Oh, right, the mephitic ulcer of celebrity.

Evelyn: And then Evelyn said “In English, please.”

Riley: You won’t believe who turned out to be a scumbag this week.

Evelyn: What are you, a clickbait headline? That’s right, I can reference the internet too.

Riley: You know Keith Manjaw, the actor from that stupid dinosaur movie?

Evelyn: Raptors of Pluto is not a stupid movie, Riley. It’s for kids, and that’s why you don’t like it.

Riley: Hold up! If it’s a family movie, what’s with all the really obvious sexual innuendo and violence?

Evelyn: It’s PG-13, Riley! They're allowed one F-word, two disembowelments, and some tasteful side boob. It's still kid-friendly.

Riley: You left out the thirty minutes of gratuitous Keith Manjaw shirtless scenes.

Evelyn: Okay, yeah, it’s a lot, but can you blame them? Even I have to admit he’s a hunk-sandwich and I am not down with the boys.

---

Riley: He may look like a hunk-sandwich, but underneath that thick-cut white bread is some spoiled sauerkraut and ham.

Evelyn: But you love spoiled sauerkraut and ham!

Riley: For the purposes of this metaphor, pretend I don't.

Evelyn: Are you just having trouble processing your crushes again? Like that time at Pizza Pizzaz-O with the waiter?

Riley: This is totally different! Trust me, Evelyn, there's evil behind Keith Manjaw’s washboard abs, and this week, he proved it.

Evelyn: What did he actually do? Is he secretly a government shiv or whatever?

Riley: It’s government shill. But no, he isn't. He's something even worse: a member of The Church of Plentiful Smiles and Human Happiness.

Evelyn: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Riley: It’s a human supremacist group, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Oh no, that’s the worst kind of supremacist.

Riley: Which makes him the worst kind of person.

Evelyn: Well, maybe it’s not so bad. He might not know what they’re doing?

Riley: He attends all their weird bongo sessions and throat-singing competitions. I think he knows, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Dang.

Riley: Well, you’ve got nothing to worry about. You’re human and you've got garbage taste in movies, he’d love you.

Evelyn: When you die, you don't really, fully count as human anymore. Ghosts are kind of their own thing - it's in the pamphlet.

Riley: Wait, the pamphlet? What pamphlet? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about the pamphlet?

Evelyn: You know, they give you a pamphlet in the waiting room, explaining the whole “being dead” thing to you.

Riley: Just a pamphlet? At least in Beetlejuice you got a whole handbook.

Evelyn: Eh, it’s a pretty thorough pamphlet.

Riley: We’re digressing again. Look, the message here is simple: you can never love any public figures, because they're always going to turn out to be shitty people and disappoint you. If Keith Manjaw is a jerk, then who’s to say that Keith Pecflex isn’t? Or Keith Sexbeard? or Keith Hammerdong?

Evelyn: That’d ruin the entire Keith cinematic universe!

Riley: Nothing of artistic value would be lost there, but it would still make everyone feel shitty.

Evelyn: I thought that “Four Keiths And A Time Machine” was pretty good actually.

Riley: Evelyn, name a movie you don’t think is “pretty good.”

Evelyn: Middle-Aged Tree Men: The Movie.

Riley: Because it was…

Evelyn: Because it was totally awesome! Which is way better than pretty good!

---

Riley: Okay, so this is why I wanted to talk about this. It’s just a bad look for society when the people responsible for all of our entertainment are also a bunch of hateful, petty assholes. The ancient Greeks had a pantheon of weird, sex-fiend Gods, and our flawed civilisation never grew out of the need for that, apparently.

Evelyn: Well, at least we have online creators, they're all great!

Riley: Evelyn, you poor, sweet child. Evelyn: Who are we supposed to look up to if everyone famous is bad?

Riley: It’s simple. We pay respects to the dead. All the best people get remembered after they die.

Evelyn: Like me?

Riley: [grumbles] Sure, like you.

Evelyn: Yay! Validation!

Riley: Yes, yes, your legacy is secure. Again, Hooper, I ask you to focus. I’m about to give you a history lesson, Riley-style.

Evelyn: Are you going to tell about that Mayan Calender stuff again?

Riley: No, not recent history. We’re going way back. All the way back to years that didn’t begin with 20.

Evelyn: Oooh! Which years, specifically?

Riley: It doesn’t matter. Years are an invention of the Time Travel Suppression Agency of Progress, or “TITS UP.” I want you to concentrate on the events and the people rather than the numbers that the man attaches to them.

Evelyn: Wait, time travel is real?

Riley: Of course it is, how do you think they made “Four Keiths And a Time Machine”? They got the time machine on loan from the military in exchange for all the positive press.

Evelyn: Awww, why does the military get all the cool stuff?

Riley: Because the government funnels more of our tax money into killing people than they do for healthcare, education, or upholding our basic infrastructures.

Evelyn: Wow, Riley, that’s… depressing.

Riley: It was the same back then. And when I say back then, I’m talking about a little known place called The Roman Empire. The government was so corrupt that the refuse from their terrible ideas literally set the city on fire.

Evelyn: And these were the good old days?

Riley: I’m going to need you to wake up and stop using the term “days” like it means anything in tangible reality.

Evelyn: Focus, Almanzor.

Riley: Noted. No doubt about it, times were shit back then. And most of that shit was on fire. However, it was from those shit-fires that heroes would rise. Heroes like Nero.

Evelyn: Oh, I learned about him in history class. He was an Emperor, right?

SOUND: Riley slams their fist on table.

Riley: He was the best damn emperor that whole shit-burning city ever had! While the fat cats and big wigs in the senate were busy with their bureaucracy, Emperor Nero was out there on the scene making real decisions with real consequences. He didn’t take shit from anyone, not even his own mother.

Evelyn: What did he do to her?

Riley: He killed the living shit out of her, Evelyn.

Evelyn: [distressed] Why!?

Riley: She was always up in his space, telling him what to do, who to be, to clean his room, to go get dressed for a job interview…

Evelyn: Wasn’t his job being the Emperor?

Riley: And it was never enough for her, was it?

Evelyn: Was it?

Riley: No! Nero was a stone-cold badass, Evelyn. He fed people to lions! He turned Christians into giant candles! He was really, really good at playing the fiddle! And most importantly, since he's dead as balls, he’ll never, ever let me down!

SOUND: T.A.R.D.I.S. noises inside the basement.

Evelyn: What’s that sound? Are the laundry machines in heat again?

Riley: Evelyn, don’t be ignorant. That right there is a time machine! I've never seen one in person before!

Evelyn: Oh. It doesn’t look like the one from the movie. It’s more like a Port-O-Potty.

Riley: All of the unlicensed ones look like that. Makes it easier to blend in at Woodstock.

Evelyn: And it's so small…

Riley: It’s bigger on the inside.

Evelyn: Oh, like Professor Huh’s Tar--

Riley: Don't say that word on air, it's copyrighted! I don't wanna get sued by the British!

SOUND: Time machine steam escapes. Door opens. Emperor Nero steps out.

Nero: Oh hi. You got any Temporal Jelly? Our stupid time machine is all fluxxed up.

Evelyn: Who's the hairy guy in the bedsheets, Riley?

Riley: That toga, those eyes, that thick, ginger neckbeard… Holy fucking balls! You’re Emperor Nero!

Nero: Aww dang, well, not anymore. “TITS UP” got on my case and all up in my space, so I had to leave Rome behind.

Riley: You’re on the run from the Time Travel Suppression Agency of Progress?

Nero: Yeah, I guess. Aw jeez.

Riley: I have been waiting for this [hesitates] uh…

Evelyn: You were about to say day, weren’t you?

Riley: I’ve been waiting for this moment for all of my life.

Evelyn: Oh lord.

Nero: What’s Rome like in this timeline? Is it still on fire?

Evelyn: Ummm… no?

Riley: No, only economically.

Nero: Oh, thank goodness. It took years to get all that burning shit out of the aqueducts. Anyway, about that jelly. You got any?

Riley: Emperor Nero, take me with you! I’ll help you kill your mom and then you can return the favor.

Evelyn: Riley! Stop asking people to Strangers-On-A-Train your family members!

Nero: Kill my mom!? But I love my mom! She makes the best chicken tenders.

Riley: What? But...you kill your mom, that's part of your legend!

Nero: Are you kidding? I'd be a wreck without her! She runs things way more than me. My Mom's the best!

Riley: You can’t be serious. Next you're going to tell me there were no Christian candles.

Nero: You mean those lovely scented candles I bought from the christians? Aww, those were the bee’s knees. They did wonders for my sinuses.

Riley: [Panicked; Desperate] What about the lions? Did you feed people to lions?

Nero: Oh, Jupiter no, do you know how unhealthy human meat is for lions? And they’d get all the bones caught up in their little whiskers… oh it would be horrible. I had people feed my lions, but only with the finest cat food on our side of the mediterranean.

Riley: No, this is bullshit! You can't be this...lame, in real life! What about all the stories?

Nero: I mean, when you're the Emperor you make a lot of enemies, like all the guys who bullied me in high school. People tend to make stuff up to make you look bad - did you know some people started spreading this rumour I was fiddling while Rome was on fire?

Riley: Yes! It was badass!

Evelyn: Why can't you like nice things?

Nero: It was total baloney! I can't even play the fiddle. But I can play a mean Roman Kazoo…

SOUND: Nero doot-doots on his kazoo

Riley: Ugh, well, whatever. I’m still down to get my fists up at TITS UP. Is there room in that time machine for a ghoul and a sick-ass crossbow?

Evelyn: Hey, don’t leave me behind.

Riley: You don’t take up any space! And I couldn’t leave you behind if I tried.

Evelyn: Because you looove me?

Riley: Because I’m haunted by you!

Nero: Are you alright? You’re shouting. I always get nervous when people shout. Especially at sporting events.

Riley: Can everyone stop being lame for just a second!

Evelyn: Fine.

Nero: Okay.

---

Riley: So, how about it? I have time, I will travel. I’m always looking to rebel against authority figures.

Nero: Aww, gosh, well I’d have to ask Felix about that. He’s the revolutionary leader, I just keep the engine running.

SOUND: Time machine doors open again. Felix “Iron Felix” Dzerzhinsky steps out.

Felix: Comrade Nero, how goes the acquisition of the jelly?

Nero: It’s uh… I’m working on it.

Felix: Then work harder! We all have to pitch in and pull our weight!

Nero: Oh gosh...I'm not sure I'm ready for this jelly.

Riley: Fuck me over the rainbow, is that Fucking Iron Fucking Felix?

Evelyn: Iron Felix?

Riley: Famous Russian revolutionary badass. Killed like a buttload of people. All in the name of freedom.

Felix: Da, comrade. I see my reputation precedes you.

Riley: Don’t you mean, “precedes me”?

Felix: That is what I said.

Nero: They say they want to help us in our zany, time-hopping adventures.

Felix: Ah, well it is good to meet another revolutionary. What is your name, comrade?

Riley: Riley Almanzor, but my codename can be--

Felix: Please, remove any article of clothing and I will sign.

Riley: You will sign?

Felix: Da. I will sign body.

Evelyn: Yeesh. Not cool.

Riley: Uh, no, you won’t.

Felix: Nero likes it when I sign the body of new revolutionary. Like cracking bottle on new ship.

Nero: Well, it does remind me why we do this. To see boobs, mostly.

Felix: Da. Big boobs.

Riley: You’ve come to the wrong place, comrade.

Evelyn: Invisibility is a gift sometimes.

Felix: Ah, well. It is nothing worth sending five more people to the gulag for. Do you have temporal jelly?

Riley: No. Plenty of salt, though.

Felix: [To Nero] They don't have the jelly, comrade. Maybe we should check elsewhere, like sorority house.

Nero: Aww, gosh, those are really hard to get into.

Felix: Not when you have big boots to kick down door.

Evelyn: Should we call the time police? I'm kinda worried about these guys.

Riley: Rule #1, Hooper. Never call the cops for any reason ever.

Felix: In the meantime, we will make ourselves comfortable in this bombing shelter.

Riley: This is my basement!

Felix: And it will do, Comrade Riley. It will do nicely.

Riley: Wait, even if you were still my heroes, you can’t just--

Felix: Nero, grab the dirty mags and pineapple vodka, we may be here for a long time.

Evelyn: I don't like the sound of that.

Riley: Son of a-

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Intense sci-fi action music.

Trailer Narrator: From the studio that brought you Grave Boat and Raptors of Pluto, comes a new sci-fi thriller that is guaranteed to sell thousands of 3D glasses.

Keith Manjaw: If we don’t get this ion crystal to the Floridians before sunset, there’s not gonna be a sun to set.

Trailer Narrator: Keith Manjaw.

Ghoulia Roberts: If the sun doesn’t set before the Floridians get the ion crystal, there won’t be any ions left to crystalize.

Trailer Narrator: Ghoulia Roberts.

Keith Manjaw: You may be a filthy, disgusting ghoul, but I’m not the type of person who would think any less of you for it.

Ghoulia Roberts: You’re the bravest man I know, commander.

Keith Manjaw: I don’t need your validation. Now, quickly, let’s tell the Floridians that the deal’s off. We’re not handing over the ion crystal, they’re giving us the sun.

Trailer Narrator: Written, Directed, and Produced by Keith Manjaw’s brother, who is also named Keith Manjaw. Like the actor, who he is related to. Keith Manjaw in… Floridian Sunset Ion Crystal Swapmeet Snafu… The sun has set, but not just yet.

Keith Manjaw: I’m actually a really nice guy. I swear. Really. Just don't google me.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Felix: ...And that’s when I said to him, “If you knew why you were under arrest, it would defeat the purpose of having secret police.” [Laughs]

Nero: Wow, my mom told a guy who bullied me the same thing once.

Riley: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah, same with mine. Sort of. Listen, fellas. It’s been wild having you guys park your time machine in my basement, which is also my podcast studio, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You know, for the eighteenth time.

Evelyn: You tell ‘em, Riles.

Nero: Aww geez, Riley. You’re being a real buzzkill.

Felix: Yeah, way to ruin the mood.

Riley: You two were both so much cooler before I met you in person.

Nero: I don't really know why you had such high expectations for us.

Felix: Da. We’re only human - who hasn't gunned down a couple families with a Mauser? Nobody’s perfect.

Evelyn: Being human doesn't give you a license to be a huge jerk!

Riley: Yeah, what Evelyn said!

Felix: For the love of Lenin, who's Evelyn? You're the only one here, Comrade.

Nero: Yeah, Riley, you sound a little kooky right now.

Riley: [grunts angrily] That’s it! No more Myxter Nice Ghoul. I’m not going to ask again, get out of my-

SOUND: Time machine doors. H.H. Holmes and Benjamin Pitazel step out.

Holmes: I say, what sort of tomfoolery is going on out here?

Benny: Beats the hell out of me, boss.

Holmes: Oh my, this place is filthy! What hideous decor - have you no sense of style? Where's the panache? The pizzazz? The...the...Benny, what's another word that begins with P?

Benny: Punctuality, boss.

Holmes: Not incorrect but not exactly what I was looking for, either.

Evelyn: Great, there’s more of them.

Riley: I’m sorry, who are you now? I'm running dangerously low on spoons.

Holmes: I’m glad you asked, missy. The name’s H.H. Holmes, owner and operator of the World’s Fair Hotel, the finest vacation destination in all of time. People from all over the world are dying to spend a night in my establishment. Clean beds, great food, and simply unparalleled room service!

Evelyn: Oh dang, Riley! This guy is bad news. He’s a famous serial killer with a body count in the hundreds.

Riley: Wait, how do you know that? It seems so...morbid, for you.

Evelyn: What can I say? I'm an American history buff.

Riley: Surprised I haven’t heard of him, er… [to Holmes] surprised I haven’t heard of you, Mr. Holmes.

Holmes: Well, you wouldn’t have, would you? My competition has been trying to smear me from Day One. Why they even called my pride and joy a “murder castle!” How dare they? The World’s Fair Hotel is anything but, I’ll tell you what.

Riley: Murder castle?

Evelyn: It’s because he murdered people there. It wasn’t even a hotel so much as a bunch of smelly corridors to kill people in. He’s a monster, Riley.

Riley: So I take it you’re on the run from TITS UP as well?

Holmes: Indubitably. Those secret time police are all up in my stache, and it’s getting in the way of me finishing work on my hotel. Isn’t that right, Benny?

Benny: Yeah, boss. Dats the truth.

Holmes: This is Benny, he’s my trusty sidekick.

Evelyn: More like murder accomplice.

Holmes: I never go anywhere without him. He's my lucky rabbit’s foot! Not that I'd ever cut the feet off of any rabbits, of course...

Riley: Cool. Like I was saying to your friends here, you can’t just hang around in my basement.

Holmes: (insulted) Are you evicting us when we’ve only just arrived? I should teach you a thing or two about hospitality, missy.

Riley: Call me that again and I'll rip that stupid moustache off your face.

Felix: This Riley is a feisty one, Comrade Holmes. They even tore up our dirty mags.

Nero: It was awful! Truly awful! How am I ever going to see naked breasts outside of that centerfold?

Riley: Have you ever thought of telling people with boobs that you are the Emperor of Rome? It’ll probably work.

Nero: Aww, man. I never even thought of that. That’d be a game changer.

Riley: You shouldn’t even need that advice! You’re the emperor of Rome!

Felix: They make a good point, Comrade Nero. Once we get jelly, perhaps we return to my time. Nobody parties like the soviets - we were notoriously laid back and fun-loving.

---

Riley: Morbid curiosity has overwhelmed my better judgement. What is Temporal Jelly, anyway?

Holmes: I’ll tell you what it isn’t. It’s not a quicklime smoothie.

Felix: Da. The open bar in your hotel was no help to us.

Benny: Speak for yourself, Felix. Your mix drinks are top notch, boss.

Holmes: They’ll melt you from the inside out. I mean, they'll warm you! Until you die!

Felix: Eh, they were a little weak for my taste, but whatever.

Nero: No more quicklime for me thanks, I can’t handle anymore acid reflux.

Riley: Fine, if none of history’s greatest morons want to answer my question, I’m going to D.I.Y. this shit.

SOUND: Riley typing.

Riley: “How to make Temporal Jelly.”

Evelyn: Riley, are you really going to help these people?

Riley: Help them leave me alone? Any day.

Evelyn: Any what?

Riley: Any… (beat) It says here that you can easily whip up a gallon of temporal jelly by mixing a Monster Energy drink with a pound of…

Evelyn: A pound of what?

Riley: Ectoplasm. (beat) Well, I guess you know what to do, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Excuse you.

Riley: Luckily, I have half a monster energy left over from the time I was ghosting that dream demon. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do. You’ll have to really give it your all, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Give what my all? Ectoplasm isn’t like going to the bathroom.

Riley: Nobody is saying it’s that.

Evelyn: It’s just the way you’re talking about it-

Riley: You’re putting off such a weird vibe right now.

Nero: You’re one to talk. You’re talking to nothing.

Riley: Shut up, Emperor Dipshit.

Nero: Aww.

Riley: Look, Ev, this is important. I’ve eaten more crow today than usual, which is an absurd amount of crow. I need you to make buckets of ectoplasm, or go to the bathroom and get Jon to do it.

Evelyn: This is super exploitative, Riley. We’re not ectoplasm factories!

Riley: Look, Evelyn, I’ll check my privilege later, but right now, I’ve got to do whatever it takes to put history back in the past.

Felix: Comrade Riley, is your mind lost like worker’s soul under capitalist regime?

Holmes: Who are you talking to? Wouldn’t happen to be the ghost of a murder victim, would it?

Riley: (Paranoid) Who said I was talking to a ghost at all!? You’re all crazy!

Holmes: Well, I’m happy to be corrected.

Benny: I dunno, boss. I am starting to sense some sort of presence.

Felix: Da. Almost like a distinctly busty female presence.

Nero: Aww, gosh. Did my mom’s ghost follow us here?

Holmes: Quiet boys. I’ve spoken with the dead before, and they’re a kind bunch, I say. Why, I have half a mind to open a hotel that caters exclusively to dead people.

Benny: That’s the dream, boss. I’ll make it happen for you.

Nero: Seriously, is my mom here? I want to apologize for killing her in the future, which I guess is the past right now.

Felix: Calm your tits, Comrade Nero. You will frighten this incredibly likely to be ravishing ghost away.

Evelyn: I’m incredibly likely to be cheesed off right now. Seriously, Riley. Your heroes are awful! They’re worse than all the Keiths combined! Isn’t there one historical figure worth looking up to? One who is remembered for being good above all else?

SOUND: Betsy Ross kicks down the door.

Betsy: Freeze, day-dodgers! Agent Betsy Ross, of T.T.S.A.P.! You’ve reposted in the wrong timeline, you lousy scallywags!

Nero: Aww, gosh, Felix! It’s TITS UP!

Benny: Boss, get down!

Holmes: It’s because I’m a small business owner, isn’t it? Why I tell you, America always has it out for the small business owners!

Evelyn: Jeepers creepers! That’s Betsy Ross!

Riley: Who?

Evelyn: She designed the American Flag, contributed to the Revolutionary War, and was even anti-slavery!

Riley: I mean that last one isn't all that impressive anymore.

Evelyn: True, but it was pretty good for the time! She’s also, and this is a new, a time cop, apparently.

Betsy: Boys, boys, boys. You never should have been doing this.

Nero: Aww, I’m too young! Felix, help!

Betsy: Wait just a star-spangled second, Felix Dzerzinsky.

SOUND: Bottle of pineapple vodka shatters.

Felix: Iron Felix will not go down without a fight.

Betsy: Put down the half-broken bottle of St. Boris’ Pineapple Vodka. Don’t make me zap you with my future gun.

Felix: We’ll see who is past tense, Agent Ross!

Betsy: Stand down, Felix. I don’t think you’re ready for this temporal jelly.

Nero: Hey, I already made that joke!

Holmes, Riley, Evelyn, and Felix: Shut up, Nero!

Nero: Aww man.

Holmes: I’m not going to prison, for the first and only time, get her Benny!

Benny: Yes, Boss!

Evelyn: Not on my watch.

SOUND: Evelyn possesses Benny.

Benny/Evelyn: Look at me, I’m Benny. H.H. Holmes used me to murder people and then got rid of me. Google it.

Felix: So there is a ghost.

Riley: Yup, and you’ll get to see her soon. Crossbow time!

SOUND: Crossbow loading noises.

Felix: Comrade Riley, are you a traitor?

Riley: History will judge me when it’s my turn, Comrade Felix. Unless you want a taste of my past gun, I suggest you stand down.

Betsy: Looks like we’ve got ourselves a Floridian standoff. In Florida, no less.

Benny/Evelyn: I’ve got Holmes!

Holmes: Benny, how could you betray me like I was planning to betray you!

Benny/Evelyn: Ah-ha! So you admit it! You are a smelly jerkface murderer monster!

Holmes: I just wanted to open a hotel! It’s not my fault! It’s supply and demand!

Betsy: I demand that you supply yourselves over to the law. It’s over, boys.

Nero: Aww, so much for our zany adventures. Can I go Rome now?

Felix: You can’t do this to me! Joseph Stalin called me a “devout knight of the proletariat.”

Riley: You should know better than anyone, Felix. Never trust the words of Joseph Stalin.

Betsy: Nicely done, Riley. Evelyn.

Riley: Hold up, you know our names?

Benny/Evelyn: OH EM GEE, Betsy Ross knows my name!

Betsy: Been a fan of the show for a while now, ever since I started listening for day-dodgers. I caught wind of this band of rapscallions on my lunch break, and thought I’d drop in.

Riley: You’ve been tapping our podcast from the future?

Betsy: The agency listens to a lot of podcasts. We have a lot of (beat) free time. You might say we even have all the time in the world.

Riley: We get it.

Benny/Evelyn: Since the tension has diffused a little bit, do you mind if I-

SOUND: Evelyn un-possesses Benny.

Evelyn: Ah, much better.

Holmes: Let go of me, Benny! We can still give her the slip.

Benny: Nuh uh, boss. I don’t feel in a trusting mood no more.

Holmes: Well, twiddle my mustache and call me a scoundrel.

Betsy: Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus and Felix Dzerzinsky, the two of you are under arrest for thirty counts of stoner comedy hijinks and rampant overdue roaming charges.

Nero: Okay, I understand why I’m getting Roman charges, but Felix isn’t Roman, he’s Russian.

Betsy: And we’ll be rushin’ both of you to prison.

Felix: I demand a fair trial. Just like all the fair trials that I famously gave.

Betsy: Tell it to your lawyer: Colonel George Armstrong Custer.

Felix: Nyet, not an american! This is bearshit.

Riley: Yeah, yeah. Face the firing squad with some dignity, comrade.

Betsy: H. H. Holmes, you are… do I even have to say? The agency has had to invent new crimes to describe some of the malarkey you’ve done.

Holmes: We can come to an understanding! We’re both Americans, and what you just said sounds very unconstitutional.

Betsy: Perhaps, but I’ve never been all for what those stuffy men in their powdered wigs had to say about it, anyway.

Evelyn: (giddy) She’s so cool.

Riley: You sure know how to pick ‘em, Evelyn.

Betsy: There’s a time cruiser outside waiting to take these sorry day-dodgers to time court. The two of you did an excellent job. We could use more people like you at the agency. Ghosts and ghouls are encouraged to apply.

Riley: If you’re offering us a job at TIT’S UP, I’m afraid I have to decline. Working for The Man isn’t really my thing.

Evelyn: I wanna go! Do you have a partner? I’d love to be a secret time agent!

Riley: Evelyn says she’s happy here too.

Evelyn: RILEY!

Betsy: Oh, well. I knew you’d turn it down. Future timelines and all. The offer still stands if you ever change your mind.

Riley: We won’t.

Evelyn: This is the saddest day in history.

Betsy: You can keep the unlicensed time machine. We don’t want these things moving around too much, sets a bad precedent. And I’m not talking about Thomas Jefferson.

Riley: Damn, hot takes.

Evelyn: I’ll miss you, Betsy! You’re my world!

Betsy: Keep it old school, you young revolutionaries. Time to get these outlaws processed.

Nero: I hope they serve tenders in time jail.

Felix: Can't we just let bygones be bygones?

Holmes: Maybe hotels aren't such a good idea...Perhaps a new kind of business, that allows people to run miniature hotels out of their own homes, and pay me for brokering the deal! Now that could--

Riley: Shut up, HH Holmes.

SOUND: Betsy leaves along with the rest of the day-dodgers.

Riley: Wow. (beat) That was… a day. How are you, Evelyn?

Evelyn: I’m so mad. I’m so mad, Riley.

Riley: Me too, Ev. I guess there really aren’t any heroes, not even in the distant past.

Evelyn: Except for Betsy flipping Ross! She was my first celebrity crush in middle school history. I can’t believe you.

Riley: Evelyn, even if she was a wholesome do-gooder then, she’s a tool of the establishment now. Or in the future, I guess.

Evelyn: I guess no one is perfect. But ninety three percent is pretty close, and that was also the grade I got on the essay I wrote about her in middle school.

Riley: I’m glad the room feels aggressively gay again. Returns the natural order of things.

Evelyn: And how! Can we make some sort of rule about boob jokes? I feel like I'm disproportionately affected by them, and it makes me worried Captain Cishmale is gonna appear again.

Riley: Anyone who makes one goes to the gulag. Or as we’ll call it, the Booblag.

Evelyn: Hey Riley! Did you know? Your boob jokes. Are [demonic voice] PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Riley: At least I admit I’m part of the problem.

Evelyn: That doesn't-- Fine. Do you want to go watch the next Raptors of Pluto movie?

Riley: Wouldn’t that be supporting Keith Manjaw? Also, it doesn’t come out for another three months.

Evelyn: We’ve got a time machine right here, Riles. I was thinking, maybe we could pirate it… From the future!

Riley: Well, fuck. I gotta stock up on Monster Energy drinks.

Evelyn: Riley, where we’re going, we won’t need Monster Energy drinks.

Riley: Um. Yeah, we do. It’s extremely essential that we have them.

Evelyn: Yeah, I’m not sure why I said that.

[END]

Riley explains a few of their elaborate conspiracy theories to Evelyn. As it turns out, some of these theories have more truth to them than previously thought.

+Transcript

Riley: Hi, I’m Riley, this is Less Is Morgue, and you have never seen a baby pigeon. Why? Because every pigeon on earth is actually a closed-circuit television camera, transmitting a live feed straight to the MIBs. They're always watching you. Always.

Evelyn: Did you take those weird pills again?

Riley: No, Evelyn, this is serious. Honestly, I'm expecting a sniper to take me out any second now, which is why I prefer to stay in rooms without windows.

Evelyn: Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever actually seen you in a room with a window.

Riley: And my head remains intact. This is not a coincidence. In fact, the very idea of coincidences was invented by the deep state to cover up their secret plots.

Evelyn: You told me we were gonna talk about movies today.

Riley: Oh, we are, a little movie called LOOSE CHANGE!

Evelyn: Oh god, not again…

Riley: No, listen. That movie was horse shit. It wasn't Al Qaeda, and it wasn’t Bush, it was the Italian government!

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: They’d had it up to here with Americans talking shit about their dumb crooked penis of a monument, and they finally got their revenge.

Evelyn: Can we please talk about anything that isn't this?

Riley: Okay, let’s talk about the moon landing.

Evelyn: I’m guessing we faked it?

Riley: Of course we faked it, there is no moon. I mean, technically there is, but we’re on it, and what we think is the moon is actually the earth. What I'm saying is, you better buckle the fuck up and open your ears for some truth bombs. If you're Jeff Bezos, or you work for the government, or the shadow government, or the shadow-shadow government, log the fuck off. If your insurance doesn't cover blown minds, we accept no responsibility for your sudden influx of wokeness. This is reality. We’re living in a society, and it is a cancer - we need to cut it out as soon as possible.

Evelyn: This is gonna feel like a long--

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro.

Evelyn: Episode.

Riley: Don’t even get me started on the concept of time--

Evelyn: I made the mistake of doing that already, it went on for seven consecutive hours.

Riley: I mean, really, the hour is a relative concept. The reason there are twenty-four hours in the day is because there were twenty-four Caesars.

Evelyn: Is that true?

Riley: No. But see how easy it is to spread misinformation?

Evelyn: Is it really “spreading misinformation” if it’s literally just you lying to me?

Riley: Propaganda is basically just the government lying to you. The sooner we rip off this bandaid, the easier things are gonna be for you going forward.

Evelyn: You wanna know how all this started, listeners?

Riley: Don’t! You’ll undermine the message!

Evelyn: Three days ago, they took the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms. Riley hasn't actually slept since, because they've been building one of those red-string picture walls.

Riley: They committed a war crime to see if the world would stop them, and it didn’t!

Evelyn: That isn’t a war crime because this isn’t a war, Riley!

Riley: It is a war! And it’s being fought over the most important meal of the day! The most important meal of my daily life! Listen, you can fuck with the mascot design all damn day, I don’t care. But taking the one thing that has brought us nothing but joy and comfort in a world that brings none is just pure evil. The public may be fine, but I WON’T STAND FOR IT!

Evelyn: Sometimes, Riley, I really do worry about you. Today more so than usual.

Riley: Oh you only care because you’re metaphysically bound to me

Evelyn: Well, that doesn’t help.

SOUND: Riley begins frantically typing.

Riley: This may seem small, Evelyn, but it’s a slippery slope! You pull one thread, and this whole thing starts to unravel into a snowball!

Evelyn: Pick a metaphor, Riley, you can't have them all.

Riley: For instance, the attack on the integrity of Lucky Charms is an attack on..?

Evelyn: ...On cereal?

Riley: [frustrated grunt] THE IRISH, EV! It’s an attack on the Irish.

Evelyn: Why the Irish?

Riley: Because America has always had it out for the Irish. Do you not remember the Prohibition? This is our government’s last stand against them short of another potato famine - which, by the way, was a manufactured Genocide perpetrated by the English.

Evelyn: By taking marshmallows out of a cereal with a leprechaun mascot.

Riley: No. Because it’s a distraction from the real goal.

Evelyn: Which would be?

Riley: Butter.

Evelyn: [Long, deep sigh] Butter.

Riley: Butter.

[LONG PAUSE]

Evelyn: You wanna qualify that?

Riley: [Jolts awake] Sorry, I think I just had like a mini-stroke. I'm approaching sixty hours without sleep.

Evelyn: Suggestion: sleep.

Riley: That’s exactly what they want me to do!

Evelyn: It’s exactly what I want you to do.

Riley: I'm getting so close to busting this nut wide open.

Evelyn: Riley, that is absolutely not the expression.

Riley: Anyway, butter. Did you know that butter is Ireland’s main export?

Evelyn: Is it or is this another twenty-four Caesars thing?

Riley: Oh it’s real. And their biggest buyer?

Evelyn: Paula Deen?

Riley: I’ll give you a hint: Garlic Bread.

Evelyn: Riley, no.

Riley: Riley, yes. The Italians. Specifically the Italian government. And like I said earlier, they were the masterminds behind --

Evelyn: Riley, I know where this is going and you need to stop right now.

Riley: Fine. Hide from the truth. But I refuse to keep our listeners in the dark. Aside from that fateful day, what else can be said of the World Trade Center?

Evelyn: Nothing, hopefully.

Riley: Au contraire! It’s a massive man-made achievement!

Evelyn: Okay, see, that’s a lot better. Yes, I agree.

Riley: And you know what else is a massive man-made achievement?

Evelyn: NICKELBACK’S DEBUT ALBUM “CURB”!

Riley: [Hisses angrily] Silence! I’m talking about the Pyramids of Giza, Evelyn! The ancient tombs of the pharaohs.

Evelyn: Okay, I’m sorry for interrupting your mental breakdown.

Riley: Apology accepted. So, Pyramids. Also a massive man-made achievement, right?

Evelyn: Right.

Riley: Wrong!

Evelyn: Of course.

Riley: Remember, we live on the moon. These are ACTUALLY moon-made achievements! INCLUDING the moon landing video. Which, technically, wasn’t a landing, because the craft only moved sideways.

Evelyn: Riley, your eye is twitching. I really, really, really think you should get some sleep.

Riley: I’ve seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Evelyn. They get you while you sleep!

Evelyn: That's a movie, that's fiction. Like everything else you've said today.

Riley: You only think that because I haven’t finished yet. I’m gonna finish all over this damn room!

Evelyn: I wish you wouldn’t.

Riley: Okay, I’ll make it short. Moonlanding video. Video. Short for Videotape.

Evelyn: [under her breath] No it’s not.

Riley: Zip it. Tape. Like police tape. Like keeping the public AWAY FROM THE TRUTH. And who does that better… than NASA.

SOUND: Evelyn sighs.

Riley: Listen. NASA itself stands for National Aliens Secret Aliens.

Evelyn: Why would they say aliens twice!?

Riley: Because there's a metric fuckload of aliens, Evelyn!

Evelyn: What does “national aliens” even mean? That’s like a total contradiction.

Riley: It’s one of the many things the government doesn't want us to know. But the important bit is the secret aliens.

Evelyn: Why would they put it in their name if it was meant to be secret?

Riley: [Totally ignores Evelyn] There are many secret aliens, but the secret secret alien, as we all know, is the Starchild.

Evelyn: Why would we all know it if it’s a secret secret!?

Riley: Because the secret secret is so secret that it comes back to being public knowledge as a double negative of itself.

Evelyn: That...no ...that's not how any of this works! I'm seriously starting to worry for your health, Riley...wait, what are you drinking over there?

Riley: [Slurp] Diet NyQuil.

Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] HOW ARE YOU ALIVE? [Normal] Okay, okay, I'm just rolling with it. Tell me about the Starchild.

Riley: So the Starchild is rumored to be what delivers us from the heat death of the universe. Some say he lives in area 51 but that’s just meant to throw us off the scent. Some of the internet's top men are on his trail as we speak.

Evelyn: Like who?

Riley: Seattle Astrophysics professor Bob Washington, and TheTruthIsOutThere forum mods PussyInvestigator399, XxPepisPepisxX, and SheTookTheKids123. The Starchild is probably quaking in his little space booties.

Evelyn: So what’s the purpose to all this, then? I’m completely lost.

Riley: Alright, I’ll break it down. There exists a Starchild that is supposed to save us from the heat-death of the universe.

Evelyn: Right.

Riley: We find the child.

Evelyn: Okay.

Riley: We destroy the child.

Evelyn: ...Yes?

Riley: We destroy the child, we find who created him.

Evelyn: And that would be?

Riley: Isn’t it obvious?

Evelyn: No. No it is not.

Riley: Those that created our “salvation” are also the ones who created our entire moon based civilization. The ancient alien race.

Evelyn: There’s no name for this race?

Riley: We don’t know it yet. They’re secret secret, duh.

Evelyn: And they’re behind all this stuff you've been ranting about?

Riley: Evelyn, they're responsible for everything. They engineered swine flu, they caused the 2008 financial collapse, they got me banned from Pizza Pizzazz-O just for speaking the truth to the children in the ball pit!

---

Evelyn: Okay, so are you done?

Riley: I mean, yeah, that's the bare bones of it, I guess.

Evelyn: Good. So we can move on now? Maybe talk about something else? Like our hobbies, or books we've been reading?

Riley: Fuck, that reminds me! I haven’t told you about how the Voynich Manuscript plays into all of this!

Evelyn: Oh god, please, no--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: “In The Arms of an Angel”-esque song plays.

Nora Lochmachlan: [Sincerely] Hi, I’m Nora Lochmachlan. I hope you were having a good day, because that's about to stop. Every hour, alien larvae, after bursting from the hosts’ body, are left out in the cold to die. Some are even stomped or shot to death by colonial space marines before they've even had a chance at life. We need this brutality to end. We here at the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens, or the SPCA, believe that all creatures deserve to be treated fairly, even if some of them attempt to burrow into your head.

---

Nora Lochmachlan: There are a number of ways you can help in our mission to improve the quality of life for Xeno-Animals across this and other galaxies. For just two extraterrestrial doubloons a month, we can keep the egg chambers warm in order to foster healthy development in our latest broods. For fifty, you can sponsor a specific Xeno-Animal, and every month we’ll send you pictures of their progress, as they transform from a ten-inch-long worm-like entity to a fourteen-foot exoskeletal nightmare. Finally, if you’re short on cash, but still want to help our cause, you can make the ultimate sacrifice and donate your body to the incubation of these wonderful animals. Rest assured, that even as the creature claws its way out of your chest cavity, your screams of agony will comfort it as it enters the world. This donation tier is also an excellent birthday gift, for friends you don't particularly care for.

SOUND: Horrific clawing noises, screams, chest bursts open, alien noise.

Nora Lochmachlan: [Unfazed] Please email us at SPCASaturn@gmail.com.space.eu and be the answer to a xeno-animal in need. You don’t need a big heart to do it - in fact, they'll probably appreciate the extra space. I'm Nora Lochmachlan. Thank you.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Riley: --So if we looked at the manuscripts from an Italian perspective, we would find--

Evelyn: Your fascination with the Italian government perplexes and terrifies me.

Riley: They’re up to some shit. We've had it too good for too long.

Evelyn: Look, Riley, it’s clear you put a lot of thought into these theories.

Riley: That’s an understatement. This is scholarly work that will eclipse Darwin. I would have been a professor of like three subjects by now if I hadn't dropped out of middle school.

Evelyn: You dropped out of middle school?

Riley: We don’t have time to go into that right now.

Evelyn: What I'm saying is, I get that it's fun for you to think up all this stuff, cause I guess it's easier to believe that everyone is working against you than to just admit that life is hard.

Riley: There's still so much you don't understand, Evelyn. The Bildeberg Group, the Illuminati!

Evelyn: I’m just saying, Riley, maybe we need to take down this obsession with conspiracy theories just a couple notches. Don't worry, you can still do some of it, because you’re right, the entire world is run by like forty really rich guys, but they're not the Build-A-Bear group.

Riley: You’ve just been brainwashed by the lame-stream media, Evelyn.

Evelyn: And I think you've been brainwashed by all those crazy forums you're always visiting!

Riley: It’s not washing my brain. It’s expanding it! Ironing out all the folds, making it nice and smooth!

Evelyn: Last week, you told me that tap water is making frogs taste worse and it was because of nanomachines in the water molecules!

Riley: I stand by that statement 100%. 1,000%! Haven’t you noticed the water has been tasting funny lately?

Evelyn: I don’t taste anything ever, Riley, I’m dead!

Riley: That’s because the deep state got to you!

Evelyn: Go to bed!

Riley: You go to bed! I’m over here opening people’s minds, and you're over there, floating and mocking me and bringing up Nickelback where he’s not even relevant!

Evelyn: Nickelback is not a he! It’s band formed of Chad Kroeger, Ryan Peake--

Riley: Nobody cares! It’s not relevant!

Evelyn: I don't know how else I can say it, Riley, none of this stuff is real!

SOUND: Celestial alien chanting.

Ancient Alien: [Deep, booming voice] Riley Almanzor.

Riley: Yeah?

Ancient Alien: [Normal] Congratulations, all of that stuff was real!

Riley: Before I celebrate prematurely, can you see him too, Evelyn?

Evelyn: [Sigh] Yeah. I can see him.

Riley: Okay, good. Second question - who the fuck?

Ancient Alien: My name would be impossible to pronounce on your Moonling tongues, but for the purposes of this meeting, you can call me Dave, the ancient alien, and father of the Starchild.

Riley: [Deadpan] Excuse me for one moment, Dave. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Yes, Riley?

Riley: IN YOUR FUCKING FACE! I WAS RIGHT! IT’S ALL REAL! Wait, so we don't have to destroy the child?

Ancient Alien: I’d prefer that you didn't.

Riley: Are you sure? Not even a little? Not even an arm?

Ancient Alien: He’s my son, Riley.

Riley: Okay, I'll put it down as a maybe and we’ll revisit this later.

Evelyn: Ask him how he even knew that we were talking about this?

Ancient Alien: Well, we have cameras everywhere! We hide them in the pigeons.

Evelyn: Wait, you can see me?

Ancient Alien: Of course! I'm a ninth-dimensional being, and ghosts are on the seventh dimension.

Riley: Oh my god. So how much is “got it all right” exactly?

Ancient Alien: Everything! From the Lucky Charms to the Italian government. In fact, especially the Italian government. You should really watch out for them, they're up to some shit.

Riley: That’s exactly what I've been saying!

Ancient Alien: And as a reward for being one of the few to figure it all out, I present you with this!

SOUND: Celestial choir.

Riley: … A shirt?

SOUND: Celestial choir peters out.

Ancient Alien: A shirt!

Riley: Just a shirt?

Ancient Alien: Look at the thread count on that bad boy. That’s damn good quality.

Evelyn: And it’s got something printed on the back!

Riley: “I figured out the history of Earth and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”?

Evelyn: It’s a little tacky, isn't it?

Ancient Alien: What? It's hilarious! That old chestnut never goes out of style.

Riley: You mean to tell me that I put years into this theory and it was all correct, even down to the tiniest detail, and all I get for it is a pat on the back and tacky alien consumerism?

Ancient Alien: I mean, yeah, that's what it says on the back of the shirt, doesn't it?

Riley: But I thought there would be… I don’t know. More?

Ancient Alien: Do you want us to make a crown and dub you King of the Brains or something?

Riley: Yes? Can you do that?

Ancient Alien: Of course not, imagine how many crowns we'd have to make!

Riley: Wait, I’m not even the first person to discover this?

Ancient Alien: Of course not, there's like eight billion people on earth. The first guy to figure it out was someone we abducted back in the sixties. He was the original King of the Brains, you might say, but that didn't save him from the heart attack in ‘81. There's an important lesson about hubris in there.

Riley: No, there has to be more to this.

Ancient Alien: There really isn't.

Riley: I wasted years of my tiny little basement dwelling life on this theory. There HAS to be more. At least more than this kitschy bullshit!

Ancient Alien: Kitschy? But Riley, the thread count--

Riley: Silence, Dave! All of this is no different from the corporate shills in Nebraska selling weed hats and green alien merch because they all saw A crop circle once. Sure, you may be nine feet tall, have sixteen eyes, and appear to be made of light, but that could all just be another false flag!

Ancient Alien: You can’t be serious.

Riley: I’M GONNA EAT THE STARCHILD AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!

Evelyn: You should probably leave. This isn't gonna get any better.

Ancient Alien: But you have all the answers. You should be elated!

Riley: Bullshit! All I have are more questions. I'm gonna need to approach my next theory from a completely different angle. [to themselves] Maybe we don't live on the moon, we live on earth! And the Italian government isn't actually that bad.

Ancient Alien: [Sigh] I’m just gonna go.

Evelyn: That’s probably for the best.

SOUND: Chanting as the Alien disappears.

Riley: Great, now that shill is gone, we can get to work. Evelyn, where are my chocolate earwigs? I need metabolic fuel; I’m gonna be up all night re-figuring this out.

[Riley sounds woozy as they stand up]

Riley: Oof.

Evelyn: You okay there, Riley?

Riley: Yeah, I think all the Nyquil just hit me.

Evelyn: Do you wanna go near something soft, just in case?

SOUND: Riley collapses.

Evelyn: Oh no, they’re dead!

SOUND: Riley begins to snore.

Evelyn: Oh okay, we’re good. [Beat] You know, despite being a weird, paranoid flesh-eating pseudo-goblin, they're kind of adorable when they're sleeping.

Riley: [Sleep talking] LEE HARVEY OSWALD! [Continues to snore]

Evelyn: So what have we learned today? I don't know, the whole thing’s just been kinda confusing. Are we good for time? Yeah, okay, close enough. See you all next episode.

Riley: [Sleeping Yelling] FALSE FLAG!

Evelyn: Bye!

[END OF EPISODE]

After Riley is called out on Twitter, Riley and Evelyn have a difficult but necessary discussion about mental health, with the help of a guest - a local barista who turns into a crocodile during panic attacks.

+Transcript

Riley: Hey listeners, I’m directing what I’m about to say to one specific person right now, so if you’re not twitter user “Granola Moth Heart Emoji Heart Emoji Peach Emoji Flower Emoji”, please block your ears, or skip forward a minute or two. [pause] Okay, hey Granola Moth? Fuck you. You represent everything that’s wrong with the internet, and I want you to know that I hate you.

Evelyn: Riley’s getting cyberbullied again.

Riley: No, I’m not, Evelyn! This isn’t cyberbullying, this is something so much worse. I’ve been the subject of a callout thread. It’s a malicious hit-piece. A total fucking hatchet job. Probably Deep State in nature!

Evelyn: You can just not look at it, you know that, right? You can take a deep breath, close the page, and walk away.

Riley: Evelyn, you are a luddite, and you are a fool. It’s not about the post, it’s about the fact that people are going to read it, and they’re going to agree with it, and then they’re all gonna gang up on me and I’m gonna have to change my name and move to Alaska, where I’ll live among the bears.

Evelyn: It can’t really be that bad, can it?

Riley: Evelyn, once again, I’m gonna have to deliver some harsh truths about life out here in the real world. Listen to what this flower-crown wearing chudmeister is saying about me- “Thread: Does anyone else get super uncomfy listening to Less is Morgue? I feel like some of the dynamics on that show are kind of ick.” I mean, seriously...Ick? Who the fuck says 'Ick'?

Evelyn: That feels like something from before my time, even.

Riley: But wait! It gets stupider! “The fact that Riley is so casual about berating their mom on-air strikes me as being lowkey abusive and that is NOT OKAY, and the fact that so many people on here find it funny and relatable makes me worry about the show’s fanbase. Also, there was that part in episode 13 where they mention flirting with a Pizza Pizzaz-o waiter while he was at work, that also really didn’t sit right with me.”

Evelyn: Yikes, okay, I see.

Riley: I know, right?

Evelyn: Like, why would you listen to 13 entire episodes of a show that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Riley: I know, right? And that second thing isn’t a thing that I did! It’s just something that I mentioned in my book, not even something I actually did in real life!

SOUND: Evelyn inhales as if about to speak.

Riley: I’ve told you a million times it’s not autobiographical! [pause] And as for the mom stuff, this guy’s totally ignoring the context.

Evelyn: Which is?

Riley: My mom is the devil! If “Granola Moth Heart Emoji Heart Emoji Peach Emoji Flower Emoji” could understand Ghoulish, he’d get why I hate her! Do you know what she’s actually saying to me in our video trailer? It’s not nice!

Evelyn: Heck, if he was here in person for any amount of time, he’d understand why you hate her. I mean, I’m dead and your mom makes me fear for my life.

Riley: Exactly! But I’m not surprised that someone’s finally come and wronged me in this way, honestly. My mental problems are very hard to romanticise, so people give me very little slack when it comes to navigating social situations.

Evelyn: That really sucks, because I kinda thought that mental health stuff was getting better. I mean, people at least are open about their struggles now. I spent most of my life in the eighties and nineties. Nobody talked about this stuff back then. Psychiatrists were just for serial killers and rich ladies with adulterous husbands.

Riley: You’re right, sometimes. People are way more accepting about stuff like anxiety and depression than they used to be, but, as mentioned before on this very podcast, I have BPD, a disorder that even the UwU self-care mental health crowd still loves to throw under the bus.

Evelyn: That seems very hypocritical.

Riley: That’s because it is. It’s all well and good for these people to support the mentally ill when they’re crying alone in their rooms and leaving everyone be, but if your mental illness makes you combative and socially awkward, then they get uncomfortable and suddenly you’re ‘toxic’ or whatever.

Evelyn: Alright, have you made your peace?

Riley: Yeah, thanks for letting me vent. Let’s -

[RILEY IS CUT OFF BY THE INTRO MUSIC]

Riley: Do the intro.

Evelyn: Hey everybody! If you’re listening to this, remember to take your medication and stay hydrated.

Riley: During the first few months of the COVID-19 outbreak, the UFC league got around quarantine laws by buying their own private island, populated entirely by UFC fighters. Unfortunately, the previous owners of this island had used it for dinosaur experiments. This mistake led to the highest UFC viewership in over 20 years. I’m Riley, your best- I’m sorry, Ev, I’m still steamed about that tweet thread. Can we talk about that?

Evelyn: No, it’ll only make you more angry.

Riley: Please?

Evelyn: No, I forbid it. Let’s just find you a distraction to hold you over until our guest comes. Is there anything you like to do to blow off steam when you’re stressed out?

Riley: Sleep under my mattress, run around the basement waving my arms, comfort eating...incidentally, that last one was how I met you.

Evelyn: Huh. You learn something new every day. You wanna run around the basement waving your arms for a little while now?

Riley: I dunno, feels weird to do it with someone in here.

Evelyn: I mean, I can turn the other way. I'll do podcast stuff while you get it out of your system.

Riley: Okay. Fine. You just better not look.

Evelyn: Won’t look. Scout’s honour.

SOUND: Riley gets up and begins running around the basement. Breathing; panting. This remains the case throughout Evelyn’s next monologue.

Evelyn: Anyway so, while my co-host is doing that, I'm gonna tell you a little about the episode we've got in store for you. Things are pretty stressful sometimes, whether you're alive or dead, so we figured that today we'd make an episode about that. We've got a guest coming over in a little while who's gonna talk about some of his techniques for mastering anxiety, and I'm gonna make sure everyone’s best ghoulfriend ends the episode feeling a little more...balanced.

Riley: [While running; waving arms] Don’t look!

Evelyn: [To Riley] Don’t worry, not looking! [To audience] And we'd love to hear from you on Twitter about how you deal with times like this. It'd be nice to have more options.

SOUND: Riley comes to a halt and sits down, breathing heavily.

Evelyn: You good?

Riley: Better, at least.

Evelyn: That’s a positive. You need a glass of water or something?

Riley: No, no, I'm good. Stimming helps. So did you do the whole, uh, thing?

Evelyn: Yup. They know exactly what they're in for.

Riley: Okay great, so let's talk about self-help books: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Have you listened to any since you came back to earth? Not to be rude or anything, you just, you know, you seem like the type.

Evelyn: I got the audiobook for “Death is a Gift” by Harry Resnick on the Alexa. The author reads it himself, he's got a really comforting voice, so I listen to it at night sometimes when I get all existential.

Riley: So that's why I've had random Canadian voices manifesting in my dreams.

Evelyn: How about you?

Riley: I think they're a mixed bag. Don't get me wrong, there's some useful shit in there, but I feel like once you've read one you've read them all. Also, these days, they try to sell them to people who think they're above self-help books by awkwardly adding swears.

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Well, you know, mindfulness becomes “How to Calm the Fuck Down”, organisation becomes “Get Your Fucking Life In Order.” Stress management becomes “Kill Them All, Every Fucking One of Them, Stack The Bodies and Let God Sort Them Out.”

Evelyn: [Concerned] Is that last one a real title?

Riley: Yeah, Tony Robbins wrote it after his fifth divorce. It was on the New York Times best-seller list all last August.

Evelyn: Really!?

Riley: Yeah, really, police called it the “Month of Blood.”

Evelyn: Yikes on bikes.

Riley: Yikes on bikes indeed. The problem with a healthcare system that's dogshit at getting people the treatment they need is you get plenty of hucksters trying to fill the void.

Evelyn: Oh, like To--

Riley: Shh!

Evelyn: You know saying his name three times won't actually summon him, right?

Riley: No, Evelyn, I don't know that, and I really don't have the spoons to deal with that walking Black Mirror spec script today, so I'm not gonna take that risk.

Evelyn: Okay, fine. But we should at least list some other examples, for the listeners.

Riley: Well, a recent prominent example is well-known scumbag YouTuber Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why opening his “Top 5 Nastiest Slimes and Here’s Why Heals” program.

Evelyn: Let’s just call him Top 5, the full name is a little exhausting.

Riley: Agreed. Top 5 is offering a five hundred dollar one-off service where he claims he can cure all mental and physical ailments with his gun.

Evelyn: Isn’t that just...murder?

Riley: Legally? Not if you sign the waiver, no. But the murder part isn't the problem - it's the fact that it doesn't work.

Evelyn: I mean, the murder part is still a problem, Riley.

Riley: Yeah, but it’s not the problem. Tell me, Evelyn, do you ever get anxious?

Evelyn: Yeah.

Riley: What was the last thing that made you anxious?

Evelyn: SilverStream was in a bidding war for Associates with Hulu, and your mom doesn't have a Hulu subscription.

Riley: See? There you have it, death isn't a cure for mental anguish. You take it with you, like Vegas Herpes.

Evelyn: To be fair, I was crushed to death. Maybe Top 5’s gun is magic.

Riley: Evelyn, there's giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and there's assuming some dumbass prank YouTuber has a magical therapy Glock.

Evelyn: Okay, point taken.

Riley: That being said, I feel like I prefer murderous insanity to being patronised.

Evelyn: I've always seen that as a character flaw of yours.

Riley: The people who really piss me off are the ones who think you can cure soul-crushing depression by doing stretches and eating a tomato. Or, even worse, fuckers like Granola Emoji Whatever The Fuck, who loudly and proudly judge anyone whose mental illness doesn’t present as crying rainbows in a blanket fort. Now, I'm not the aggressive type--

Evelyn: That’s not true.

Riley: But if someone told me to stop being so aggressive and take up yoga when I was really spiralling? I think I'd probably unhinge my jaw and eat their head.

Evelyn: I've seen you do it for less.

Riley: Goopy moralists to the left, condescending douchebags to the right, and I'm stuck in the middle with a Cluster B Personality Disorder. The future is now!

Evelyn: I’m trying really hard to make you feel better here, Riles, but a tango takes two.

Riley: [Sighs] Sorry, sorry. I appreciate the effort, I really do. I guess I'm just kind of in a funk. I’m still not entirely over that twitter thread.

Evelyn: If you grab one of those chewed-up barbie dolls from under the TV, I can possess it and make it do a little dance for you, if you like.

Riley: [long pause] Hmm. Nah, sorry, Ev, I'm just not feeling it.

Evelyn: Dang, I thought that one was too good to fail. [Beat] If you had to describe your exact feelings right now, what would they be

Riley: I dunno, like, all of them at once?

Evelyn: What do you mean?

Riley: Like a bunch of people trying to get through one door at the same time, so they’re just kind of all squished together. You don’t know who any of them are, you just kinda know they’ll beat the shit out of you if they get in.

Evelyn: Okay. Can you identify any of the feelings you’re currently experiencing?

Riley: Uhhhh...Hangry, I guess?

Evelyn: That’s good, grab your laptop.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: We’ve got a little while before our guest arrives, so let's at least address the hanger before he shows up. It’s ended badly before when we haven't.

Riley: Not a bad idea, Hooper. Not a bad idea at all.

SOUND: Riley grabs the laptop, and begins typing.

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Quirky music. Think insurance commercials.

Bob Sykes: Hi, I’m Bob Sykes, with the KSA. Life’s full of little inconveniences, isn't it? We've all missed the alarm.

SOUND: Alarm going off.

Average Joe: Damn it!

Bob Sykes: We’ve all mixed our plain and coloured fabrics in the washing machine.

SOUND: Washing machine noise. Door opens.

Average Jill: Oh, for the love of--

Bob Sykes: We’ve all forgotten that one important anniversary.

SOUND: Woman tuts; walks away.

Average Joe: Wait, Sheila, please!

Bob Sykes: But you know what’s worst of all? When other people’s things are nicer than yours. You may be thinking, “But Bob, what can I do about this other than stew in my own resentment?” [Chuckles] The answer is simple: stealing.

SOUND: Window shatters. Car alarm.

Bob Sykes: Your neighbour’s new BMW? Steal it!

SOUND: Car speeds away.

Bob Sykes: That new designer handbag that Julie is always flaunting at work? Club the bitch and steal it!

SOUND: Person is struck in the face. Grunts in pain.

Bob Sykes: All that money, just sitting there in the bank, going to waste? Steal it!

SOUND: Alarms going off. Gunshots.

Average Joe: Get down on the fucking ground! All of you!

Average Jill: Don’t test us, we’ll start executing the hostages!

Bob Sykes: Steal your way to a better quality of life. It’s fun, it’s simple, it’s free. I've been Bob Sykes, and this message has been sponsored by the Kleptomania Support Association. Thank you.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: Riley chewing.

Evelyn: Feeling better?

Riley: [Chewing] Yeah, a little. [Gulps] Just want to give a little shout-out to Bubba, the GhostMates delivery boy with the human skin mask. You're always there when I need you, unlike various blood relatives and government institutions.

Evelyn: Just a little reminder: our guest should be here any second now.

SOUND: Knock on the basement door.

Evelyn: Oh, how convenient! [Calling up] Come on in!

SOUND: A pause. Then more knocking.

Evelyn: Wait, he can't hear me. Riley?

Riley: Come in!

Eduardo: [Through the door] Okey dokey!

SOUND: Door opens, closes. Ed begins descending the stairs.

Eduardo: Hi! How's it going?

Riley: It’s a long story. Care to introduce yourself?

Eduardo: I’m Eduardo, but you can call me Ed. I’m guessing you're Evelyn, right? The one who emailed me?

Evelyn: That’s me!

Riley: No, sorry, I'm Riley. Evelyn is here, though, you just can't see her. That’s the downside of mortal guests. You're human, right?

Eduardo: Kinda!

Riley: Sinister. Well, take a seat.

Eduardo: Don’t mind if I do.

Riley: You want some barbecue? I feel weird being the only one eating.

Eduardo: I appreciate the offer, but I'm vegan.

Riley: Fair enough. More for me.

Eduardo: Actually, can you not eat that while I’m here?

Riley: Why? Is it the chewing noises? I can close my mouth.

Eduardo: No, no, it’s just because being around meat makes me uncomfy. I don’t like thinking about where it comes from, y’know?

Riley: Oh, I’m sorry, am I not allowed to choose what I eat in my own house? Am I not allowed to enjoy the simple pleasures of barbecue under your watch?

Evelyn: Riley! He’s our guest, you should be accommodating!

Riley: Alright, alright. No more “uncomfy” guests on this show.

SOUND: Riley closing the takeaway box and sliding it out of view.

Evelyn: Ask him about himself.

Riley: Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

Eduardo: Ooh, boy, pressure! Gotta sell myself. [Nervous laugh] Well, I’ve lived in Florida my whole life - I love the humidity.

Riley: You might be the only one who does.

Eduardo: I’m a Virgo, I have a pet koi named Kevin, and I work as a barista at the local Cool Beans.

Riley: Cool Beans?

Evelyn: A-ha! So people do still say it!

Eduardo: That new coffee chain in town, right next to the Lord of the Harvest.

SOUND: Riley snaps their fingers in recognition.

Riley: Right! The health food place where all the product names are weird empowering slogans?

Eduardo: Exactly! I can almost never afford to go there, but they have the best I Am A Roaring Lion.

Riley: What’s that in English?

Eduardo: Oh, it’s a brand of asparagus water. It’s great. They actually started stocking a lot more of it after Loeball Farm’s Bone Milk mysteriously fell off the market.

Riley: I’m sensing we have very different lifestyles.

Eduardo: How come?

Evelyn: Be careful here, Riley.

Riley: Well - and please don't take this the wrong way, because I mean it as a compliment - you’re some fresh-faced little health food twink, and like twenty minutes ago I was drinking a candle.

Eduardo: Oh. That doesn't sound good for you.

Riley: It isn't, but when your pipes are wax-coated the scorpions go down a lot easier.

Evelyn: I genuinely don't know why I'm the dead one sometimes.

Riley: So today, we’re talking about mental health, mindfulness, self-care, that whole nightmarish minefield.

Eduardo: [Nervous laugh] I’m familiar with the subject.

Riley: How familiar?

Eduardo: Did your, uh, did your co-host tell you why she wanted to have me on?

Riley: No, she neglected to brief me on that. Evelyn?

Evelyn: Why not ask him? That's kind of the point of an interview,

Riley: [Forcing politeness] So, Ed, tell me why you're on a podcast I co-host.

Eduardo: Well, like I said, I have a condition.

Riley: Don’t we all, Ed….Don’t we all.

Eduardo: It’s a very rare condition. It’s called Stress-Induced Therianthropy Disorder. A lot of people haven't heard of it.

Riley: So is it like an anxiety disorder?

Eduardo: Yeah, basically, just with one key difference.

Riley: ...Which is?

SOUND: Ed sighs; embarrassed.

Eduardo: Okay so...instead of having panic attacks…

Riley: Right?

Eduardo: I turn into a nineteen foot crocodile.

[BEAT - AWKWARD SILENCE]

Riley: [Genuinely Shocked] Huh?

Eduardo: [Frustrated Sigh] Yeah, I know, it’s embarrassing. I don't like to talk about it much, but I figured by coming on here I could raise awareness and reduce the stigma for other sufferers. Riley: Are there...other...sufferers? Eduardo: I mean there’s a few billion people on earth so, statistically, probably, right?

Riley: [pause] I guess!? Evelyn, I got nothing, you take over.

Evelyn: Riley, you know I can't do that.

Riley: He’s your guest!

Evelyn: He can’t even hear me!

Riley: You should have thought about that in advance!

Eduardo: Uh, guys, is everything okay?

Evelyn: Tell him it’s fine.

Riley: Why?

Evelyn: Cause if he thinks we’re fighting he might get stressed. And if he gets stressed, he might turn into a crocodile and kill us.

Riley: Kill me! Shit. [To Ed] We’re fine, Ed, just fine.

Eduardo: You don’t sound fine. I can come back, if you want. Riley: No, we’re good. Let’s do this. So, Ed. Before you got here, we were talking about the stigma around less commonly-recognised mental disorders, something that you, apparently, have a lot of experience with.

Eduardo: Yeah, I mean, it’s been hard. Most people don’t even believe that SITD is real, so I can’t get a lot of help for it outside of general anti-anxiety medication, which doesn’t completely stop the episodes from happening. Even really small things can set me off, especially if I’ve already had a stressful day.

Riley: I feel that, dude. No offense, but I’m genuinely surprised and impressed you manage to hold down a job.

Eduardo: [nervous laugh] Me too! I’d be happier if it was something that paid a little better, but food service really is the only industry where people don’t mind if the odd employee of theirs gets death-rolled.

Riley: Which, you know...in a way, we’re all kind of being death-rolled by capitalism.

Eduardo: I mean, I guess.

Riley: So how many people have you killed?

Evelyn: Riley!

Riley: What? The listeners might like to know!

Eduardo: I really don’t want to answer that on-air.

Riley: So it’s not zero?

Eduardo: Please don’t do this to me.

Riley: Sounds like it’s at least one.

SOUND: Ed hisses.

Eduardo: [He takes a deep breath] Sorry, almost lost it for a second there.

Riley: Okay, I won’t bring it up again. [To Evelyn] Jeez, this dude’s high strung.

Evelyn: To be fair, you get stressed out when people bring up your body count.

SOUND: Riley grumbles.

Riley: I guess you’re right. What should I ask him?

Evelyn: Coping methods?

Riley: That works. (to Ed) So, Ed, how do you avoid stress?

Eduardo: Well, I love gardening. I’ve got a little balcony where I grow chilli peppers and basil and stuff, plus some lavender for the bees. And I find taking care of Kevin is really relaxing. Anybody who says a fish can’t express love has never met a koi.

Evelyn: That sounds adorable! Ask him if we can see a picture!

Riley: [Emotionless] Evelyn wants to see a picture.

Eduardo: Sure!

SOUND: He pulls his phone out.

Evelyn: Wow, that’s a really big fish.

Riley: He looks delicious.

Eduardo: [Horrified] What?

Riley: I’m not trying to be mean, I’ve said that about literally every animal I’ve ever seen.

SOUND: Ed scoots his chair back.

Riley: Come on, you don’t have to-

Eduardo: It’s for your safety, not mine. So, uh...Riley, what are some of your preferred self-care techniques?

Riley: Well, I have a lot of stims. And I write, which can sometimes be frustrating, but it’s sometimes therapeutic. I also play a lot of those video games that are strategically designed to be relaxing, you know, Minecraft, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing... Hey, you have the energy of someone who owns a Switch, what’s your friend code? Maybe I can add you.

Eduardo: Oh, I can’t do those. Too stressful.

Riley: Farming virtual corn and redecorating virtual houses is too stressful?

Eduardo: Yeah, like, it’s so much pressure. The more effort I put into crafting my perfect video game world, the more I end up just being like...damn, I could be doing this in real life, but I’m wasting time doing it for this fake little animal me.

Evelyn: He is high strung, holy cow.

Riley: But at least he's honest. So, Ed.

Eduardo: Yeah?

Riley: Earlier, we were also talking about bad mental health advice.

Eduardo: Yeah, unfortunately there's a lot of noise out there. And a lot of resources aren't even written for people who suffer from the condition, they're for neurotypicals, about how to put up with us.

Riley: Oof, yeah. Search up 'managing BPD' and you get a lot of 'Does my boyfriend have BPD? Should I leave him?' bullshit. And don't get me started on Autism moms. I could go off for days.

Eduardo: If you google SITD, the first 6 results are for an industrial metal band and the 7th is a wikihow article on how to pretend you're a werecat.

Riley: It's really a load of garbage out there, huh?

Eduardo: Yeah, it's all kind of ick.

[beat]

Riley: What did you say?

Eduardo: Ick?

Riley: That's what I thought. I noticed you said uncomfy earlier, too.

Eduardo: Do you have a problem with me saying that?

Riley: Yes. What’s your twitter account called?

Evelyn: Riley, please don't do this.

Eduardo: KoiDad30.

Riley: Is that the only account you have?

Eduardo: Uh…no?

Riley: You’re Granola Moth, aren’t you?

Eduardo: Look, I can explain-

Riley: That wasn’t a no, fucker!

Eduardo: I was just venting, that's my vent account. I never thought you'd actually read it.

Riley: Why would you listen to 13 episodes of, then tweet your takes about, and then guest on, a show that you hate?

Eduardo: I don't hate it, you just make me uncomfortable! I don't like when you yell at your mom!

Riley: Why not?

Eduardo: I just don't think there's an excuse for being mean to your parents, okay? Is that a controversial opinion?

Riley: In this basement? Yes. You're trying to usurp this operation from the inside by making me look like I'm in the wrong!

Eduardo: If you want me to think you aren't toxic, you're not doing a very good job!

Riley: If you're trying not to be dead, you're not doing a very good job!

Evelyn: Riley, stop! His eyes are going weird!

Riley: [Mocking] Don't say that, Evelyn, you might make him uncomfy.

Evelyn: Please just calm down for a second, before-

SOUND: Ed transforms. Growling and hissing. Now in crocodile form, he hisses and snaps at them.

Evelyn: That happens.

SOUND: Audio glitches. Crocodile-Ed is now on a rampage - hissing, thrashing, knocking shit over. Riley is attempting to wrestle with him. Both Evelyn and Riley are having to yell over the sound of the thrashing.

Evelyn: -You were the one that started yelling at him, you could've just gotten on with the episode!

Riley: I feel like you're victim-blaming here! I had no idea he was Granola Moth, okay? The realisation took me off guard and I panicked! Let’s just deal with the giant fucking crocodile, you can judge me for my outburst if I live.

SOUND: Riley screams as they're tossed around.

Riley: Can you summon the ghost of Steve Irwin or something? I need a fucking hand here, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Oh! I, um, I read something about crocodiles once. Gosh, what was it?

Riley: REMEMBER FASTER!

Evelyn: Oh yeah! They can bite really hard but if you hold their mouth closed they can't open it!

Riley: [Struggling] Great. Now how do we turn him back?

Evelyn: I don't know! It’s like he said, there's almost no literature available on his condition!

SOUND: Footsteps outside the basement door, followed by furious banging from Carmen.

Riley: I'm a little busy right now, mom! Fuck off!

SOUND: The basement door opens and Carmen comes down the stairs. She grabs Ed by the tail and throws him across the room before snarling at Riley and stomping back upstairs.

Riley: Okay, mom. I'm sorry I almost died. [under their breath] Bitch. [normal] Alright, well, I'd better clean up before she cuts my head off and mounts it in the front hallway as a warning.

SOUND: Ed sits up and rubs his head, groaning.

Eduardo: So...that was your mom?

Riley: Yep.

Eduardo: Jesus Christ.

Riley: Did you look into her eyes?

Eduardo: I almost did for a second, but it started to hurt.

Riley: Now do you see why I'm so ‘problematic’ towards her?

Eduardo: Yeah, I guess I do. That’s gonna be a long journal entry tonight.

Riley: Maybe next time, think twice about judging people in a public forum.

SOUND: Evelyn clears her throat.

Riley: What?

Evelyn: Is there anything you want to say to Ed?

Riley: Huh? Oh...sure, whatever. I'm sorry I snapped at you, figuratively speaking.

Eduardo: I'm sorry I snapped at you, literally speaking.

Riley: I guess we're both in the wrong. We’ve both got our own shit to deal with.

Eduardo: And that's valid. Sometimes that's how it is.

Riley: Do you want an ice pack for your head?

Eduardo: No, I think the best thing for me to do would be to remove myself from the situation. Bye guys, thanks for having me on.

Riley: Thanks for apologising to my face.

Eduardo: ...Sure, okay.

SOUND: Ed walks up the stairs, opens and closes the basement door, leaves.

Evelyn: So, Riley, how’re you feeling?

Riley: Better, on the whole, as weird as that feels to say. I'll probably be better after a nap, too.

Evelyn: What about the barbecue you ordered?

Riley: Oh, I don't mind if it gets cold, or mouldy. Just adds character.

Evelyn: Ew.

Riley: I wanna nap but I still have a little bit of energy. You know, like, adrenaline. You mind finishing the podcast off while I--

Evelyn: Go for it.

Riley: Thanks, Ev.

SOUND: Riley begins running around the room waving their arms around again.

Evelyn: That’s the episode, folks. Having a brain can be pretty hard at times, so be kind to each other. And if you’re having a bad mental health day, maybe stay off twitter. Hope you've all had a good time! Byeeee!

Riley: Don’t look!

Evelyn: Not looking!

[END OF EPISODE]