Stuck recording at night due to construction noise, Evelyn decides they should have a proper sleepover. 

+ Transcript

Riley: We're recording at night again, because my neighbours were getting a dead tree removed today and they've literally just stopped.

Evelyn: Yeah, they were making so much noise.

Riley: Like, not just the tree getting cut down and chopped up, either. I think there was some kind of demonic portal or gate in the ground underneath it. This street has a problem with demon stuff, in general.

Evelyn: But it's fine! It's quiet now. We're still recording on the right day. Ooh, we should do the thing I was talking about earlier!

Riley: Evelyn, come on, don't be a child.

Evelyn: [Clapping] Sleepover episode, sleepover episode!

Riley: You live here too, it's not a--

SOUND: Riley is interrupted by the Intro music.

Riley: Real sleepover.

Evelyn: But Riley, the true meaning of sleepovers lives in your heart!

Riley: Ugh. Whatever, let's do the intro.

Evelyn: Hello internet, if you're listening to this, it means you're the honorary third person at our sleepover.

Riley: Today is the anniversary of an unknown man's death from eating library paste, so in his honour, tonight I'm drinking Elmer's School Glue. I'm Riley...your best ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most.

Riley: And this is Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghoul and a ghost talk about stuff.

Evelyn: The sleepover episode!

Riley: No.

Evelyn: We're gonna break out the Ben and Jerry's, put on a Disney movie, braid each other's hair, and share all our hot gossip with the listeners at home.

Riley: Okay, but do you realize that's basically impossible? You can't eat, I can't touch you and you can't touch me, and neither of us do enough to have gossip.

Evelyn: So you're still up for Disney?

Riley: I will consider it.

Evelyn: We should get into our pyjamas.

Riley: You can't change your clothes.

Evelyn: You don't know that. I've never tried. Maybe I just have to focus really hard...

SOUND: Evelyn strains, trying to manifest different clothes.

SOUND: A stack of books falls off a shelf in the background.

Riley: Didn't work, still got your Nickelback shirt on.

Evelyn: Heck.

Riley: It’s pretty cool that you can knock shit off shelves, though. That seems like an essential ghost skill.

Evelyn: Oh well. Just imagine I'm in my PJs.

Riley: What kind of PJs did you wear?

Evelyn: Basically a shirt like this one, but bigger, with no pants.

Riley: I just kind of sleep in my clothes.

Evelyn: But also with no pants.

Riley: Obviously. Show me a person who says they actually wear pants to bed and I'll show you a liar or a complete psychopath.

Evelyn: People who live where it's cold probably sleep with pants on.

Riley: We're getting wildly off topic.

Evelyn: So you're letting this be the topic?

Riley: What?

Evelyn: Sleepover.

Riley: Alright, fine. I'll concede to your demand.

Evelyn: Have you ever had a sleepover?

Riley: No. Nobody in my class ever wanted to come to my house. Apparently, it smells like formaldehyde and rot.

Evelyn: Ever been to a sleepover at someone else's house?

Riley: Why would I ever want to do that?

Evelyn: Because it's fun.

Riley: Sleeping in someone else's bed, and using someone else's bathroom? No thanks.

Evelyn: I used to love sleepovers when I was in school. Me and my friends would snuggle up under the blankets together and watch all our favourite animated movies. Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Humans Inc. - you know, the classics. And we'd pop popcorn and have pillow fights and stay up until 3 AM telling each other secrets, then we'd all just fall asleep on the floor in a big pile.

Riley: That's the gayest thing you've ever said to me.

Evelyn: Correct. Anyway, I figured we could maybe crack open some wine, lay some blankets and pillows on the floor, put on a movie, and give our listeners a sleepover experience.

Riley: I told you, I'm already drinking Elmer's school glue tonight. And you know what they say: wine before glue, good for you, but glue before wine, it's suffering time.

Evelyn: ...Do they say that?

Riley: I do. I'm they.

Evelyn: Well, can you open the bottle and pour me a glass anyway? Just for the sake of having it.

Riley: That seems like a waste of wine.

Evelyn: This stuff was like four bucks.

Riley: Fair enough.

SOUND: Riley cracks open the wine and pours a glass.

Riley: Alright, and now I’m gonna take my pants off. This is pants-removal ASMR right here.

Evelyn: What’s ASMR?

Riley: I'll tell you later.

SOUND: Riley unzipping, taking off, then tossing aside their pants.

Evelyn: You sit down here all day, why do you wear pants at all?

Riley: Listen- I may be a basement dweller, but I’m also a professional. Also, sometimes my mom forces me to go to the store and gives me very little notice.

SOUND: Riley stretches their legs.

Riley: And now I’m gonna move the mic so it’s pointing towards my bed.

SOUND: Mic stand scraping on desk, followed by bedsprings creaking.

Riley: So, what kind of sleepover games did you play?

Evelyn: Spin the bottle...which we can’t do, because there’s only two of us. Light as a feather, stiff as a board…

Riley: But we can’t touch each other.

Evelyn: Heck.

Riley: I have a suggestion.

Evelyn: Start telling!

Riley: Let’s play a round of Fuck, Marry, Kill.

[BEAT.]

Evelyn: Oh, right, right- I know that game, we just used to call it Wed, Bed, Behead.

Riley: You went to a private school, didn't you?

Evelyn: How did you guess?

Riley: You go first.

Evelyn: Alright, let me think. Okay: Chad Michael Murray, Alicia Silverstone, annnd... Rob Thomas.

Riley: iZombie Rob Thomas, or Matchbox 20 Rob Thomas?

Evelyn: What's iZombie?

Riley: That answers that. I think: Marry Rob Thomas, Kill Alicia Silverstone, and I guess Fuck Chad Michael Murray because he's the one left.

Evelyn: Why kill Alicia?

Riley: She didn't have to be in Batman and Robin, but she did it anyway.

Evelyn: Ouch. Anyway, your turn.

Riley: Okay....Lady Gaga, Keith Manjaw, and....Lele Pons.

[LONG SILENCE.]

Evelyn: Who?

Riley: Which one do you not know?

Evelyn: All of them.

Riley: [Sighs] Okay, Keith Sexbeard, Dr. Phil, and...the guy from that State Farm commercial.

Evelyn: Well...I know who Dr. Phil is. And I've seen a State Farm commercial, but it might be the wrong one.

Riley: This is exhausting.

Evelyn: Oh, Truth or Dare! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that first!

Riley: Oh, yeah, that might actually be fun. I’ll go first this time- Evelyn.

Evelyn: Yes.

Riley: Truth or Dare?

Evelyn: Uhhhh…Dare.

Riley: I dare you to…try to levitate that wine glass with your ghost powers.

Evelyn: Oh, gosh. I only just figured out how to do that kind of thing, and it was an accident.

Riley: C’mon, Hooper. The sleepover was your idea.

Evelyn: Alright, alright.

SOUND: The wine glass rattles, then explodes, spraying wine and glass everywhere.

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn yelp.

Riley: Well…at least it was white wine.

Evelyn: My turn. Riley.

Riley: Yes.

Evelyn: Truth… or dare?

Riley: Truth.

Evelyn: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Riley: My own appendix.

Evelyn: Why would you do that!?

Riley: Preventative measure, in case I ever got appendicitis.

Evelyn: …Alright.

Riley: Truth or dare, Evelyn?

Evelyn: Truth. 
Riley: If aliens came for you, and gave you the choice between stabbing a clone of yourself through the brain with a spear, or carrying one of their human-alien hybrid test tube babies, and if you didn’t pick one they would blow up the whole earth…..what would you do?

[BEAT.]

Evelyn: You know, when I used to play this with my friends it was stuff like...what’s your worst nightmare ... have you ever peed in the shower...would you make out with your boss….

Riley: That’s weak shit. Answer the question.

SOUND: Evelyn sighs.

Evelyn: How cute is a half-alien baby?

Riley: They’re really cute. They’re actually cuter than human babies, but you don’t get to keep it once it’s born.

Evelyn: Do I at least get visitation rights?

Riley: No.

Evelyn: Riley, I think you’re just trying to get me to say on air that I would stab a clone of myself in the brain with a spear.

Riley: No, I’m just making the choice more balanced.

Evelyn: Well...I mean...now I feel weird. I feel like I’ve gotta choose the spear, but I don’t want to give you the satisfaction.

Riley: You’re no fun.

Evelyn: Truth or Dare.

Riley: …Dare.

Evelyn: I dare you...Riley...to...play Bloody Mary.

Riley: Are you sure? I mean, we've already got one ghost in that bathroom.

Evelyn: No, no, it'll be fun! I’ll do it with you. When I was alive, I'd always chicken out before I could do it, but I feel like I could make it all the way this time. Got any candles?

Riley: Yeah, I think so. They're in here.

SOUND: They take out some candles.

Evelyn: Yay! To the bathroom!

SOUND: Riley and Evelyn go into the bathroom.

Riley: Hey, Jon.

Evelyn: Hi, Jon. Wanna play Bloody Mary with us?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Not especially, no.

Riley: Fair enough. Your loss.

Evelyn: How've you been holding up in here, anyway?

Pizza Ghost Jon: You know, living that ghost life...well, death. [beat] Actually, I've been meaning to ask: how come you look pretty much normal and I'm all slashed up?

Evelyn: Murder victims keep their wounds to make their killers feel bad.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Huh, is it working, Riley?

Riley: Stop trying to make me have feelings, Jon. I'm attempting to light candles here.

SOUND: Riley strikes a match.

Evelyn: Look, I know you're still kinda sour about Riley eating you.

Pizza Ghost Jon: No, Evelyn, I'm still very sour about Riley eating me.

Evelyn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, point is, I worry about you getting lonely in here. You're more than welcome to come join in on the sleepover.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Oh, I'm not lonely. I've got company here.

Riley: [surprised] Wait...who?

Brains Vincent: [muffled] Hey sisters!

Evelyn: [gasps] Riley, is that coming from inside you!?

Riley: No, Evelyn!

SOUND: Riley opens the medicine cabinet.

Riley: Brains!

Brains Vincent: Hey, that's my line!

Riley: What the hell are you doing in my medicine cabinet?

Brains Vincent: In my defence, you would have noticed me a lot sooner if you flossed more - and you need it, honey.

Evelyn: Brains Vincent lives! Heck yeah!

Riley: How!?

Brains Vincent: Well, you forgot to eat my head and spinal column, and that's kind of all I need to live.

Pizza Ghost Jon: They ate mine, so I'm wondering why you got special treatment.

Riley: Because zombie brains taste like ass and human brains taste like custard.

Pizza Ghost Jon: I can't tell if I'm disgusted or intrigued.

Evelyn: So you two have just been hanging out in here?

Brains Vincent: Yup! You know, we've got a surprising amount in common. We’re both huge ABBA fans.

Pizza Ghost Jon: And we both hate the Steelers!

Brains Vincent: And Riley!

Riley: Yeah?

Pizza Ghost Jon: No, we were just listing things we hate.

Riley: Oh. That’s fair.

Evelyn: Glad you're not dead-dead, Brains!

Brains Vincent: Thanks, sweetie!

Riley: Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a ritual to perform.

SOUND: Riley closes the medicine cabinet.

Brains Vincent: [muffled] Happy summoning!

SOUND: They turn the lights off.

Evelyn: Riley, can you hold my hand?

Riley: No. I physically can't.

Evelyn: Oh. Right.

Riley: Okay, here goes nothing.

SOUND: Ominous music plays.

Riley and Evelyn together: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

Evelyn: We did it right, right?

Riley: Yeah, I don't think anything is actually supposed to happen--

SOUND: Ghostly noises.

Riley: Holy shit!

Bloody Mary: Hellooo, you rang?

Evelyn: Oh, wow! We actually did it, listeners! Bloody Mary is right here, in the mirror, right now!

Bloody Mary: That's right, it's me, the one and only. What's up, sisters, are we having a sleepover? Oooh, is that a smashed bottle of wine on the desk over there? This sleepover looks fuuuun.

Riley: It was an accident. And I'm not a sister.

Bloody Mary: Yeah, yeah. Can one of you help me out of the mirror?

Evelyn: Sure! Jon, come here, I think this is a “ghosts only” job.

Pizza Ghost Jon: [Sighs] Fine.

SOUND: They pull Bloody Mary out of the mirror.

SOUND: She sips her drink. Several things get knocked over in the process.

Evelyn: So, Bloody Mary, welcome to Less Is Morgue! I'm Evelyn, this is Riley, and we're having a sleepover episode!

Riley: It's funny, they call you Bloody Mary but you're not especially bloody.

Bloody Mary: Common misconception, actually, I've had that moniker since long before I started scratching people's eyes out with my fingernails. The name’s a tribute to my favorite drink order.

SOUND: She sips her drink again and bites the celery garnish.

Bloody Mary: I can't get enough of these.

Riley: I can see that.

Evelyn: So, Bloody Mary-

SOUND: Bloody Mary shushing her.

Bloody Mary: No, no sweetie - call me Mary. Listen - I’ve been here for like 10 seconds, but I can already tell I love you guys. There’s just a great vibe in this room, y’know?

Riley: So you’re not gonna scratch my eyes out with your nails?

Bloody Mary: Well, the night’s still young...

SOUND: Bloody Mary starts laughing.

SOUND: Evelyn and Riley join her, nervously.

Bloody Mary: No, I kid, I kid. I love both of you and I would never. So, what fun stuff have you been doing at this sleepover? [at Jon] Any more cute boys hiding around here?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Uhhh no, just me. Unless you're into severed heads.

Bloody Mary: I’ve never been known to turn down some good head.

Riley: That’s Jon. He’s here all the time, it’s a whole thing.

Bloody Mary: [flirty] Oh yeah, he is. [to Jon] You’re not a delivery boy, you’re a delivery man. What kind of pizza have you got in that box, is it…extra sausage?

Pizza Ghost Jon: Well, now I’m uncomfortable.

Brains Vincent: [muffled] Me too!

Riley: So am I. Let’s get out of the bathroom so we actually have room to move around.

SOUND: The bathroom door closes.

Evelyn: Bloody Mary, since you’re here, do you wanna join our game of Truth or Dare?

Bloody Mary: Oh my god, yes, I thought you’d never ask! Truth or Dare is my favorite. [stage whispering] I’ve got some fun secrets.

Evelyn: Oh, good! This game gets a little boring with just two of us.

Riley: Excuse you, I was trying to make the game interesting.

Evelyn: Yeah, with your weirdo questions about aliens and stabbing clones in the brain.

Riley: You’re weak!

SOUND: Bloody Mary gulping down the rest of her drink in the background.

Bloody Mary: So, whose turn is it?

Evelyn: Well...I’ve gone twice, and Riley’s gone once, so--

Bloody Mary: Great, my turn! I choose truth.

Riley: Okay...fine, I guess.

Evelyn: Alright…Who’s your celebrity crush?

Riley: That’s a lame question.

Bloody Mary: Let’s see…I don’t wanna put anyone on blast, but...I do have one guy I’ve hooked up with who’s kind of famous…

Evelyn: Ooh, tell me!

Bloody Mary: Well, he’s tall, and he’s a sharp dresser, and he’s super mysterious - you can never tell what he’s thinking... because he doesn’t have a face. So hot.

Riley: Oh my god, you didn’t!

Evelyn: [completely lost] Who is he?

Bloody Mary: [stage whisper] His name rhymes with blender slam.

Riley: ...Does it?

Bloody Mary: Yeah, it does...I’m drunk, it doesn’t matter.

Evelyn: I have no idea who she’s talking about.

Riley: It doesn’t matter, he’s an internet celebrity from after your time, but before...uh...now times.

Bloody Mary: You don’t know who he is? Sweetie- sweetie...how?

Evelyn: I died in 2004.

Riley: Yeah, also, she’s kind of a fucking normie, so.

Bloody Mary: Riley, shh. Don’t be mean to your sister. Us women need to stick together-

Riley: I’m not a woman.

Bloody Mary: Whatever. Now, Evelyn...Evelyn, listen. We gotta catch you up on some culture. This is important. This is part of the zeitgeist.

Riley: It was cool 10 years ago.

Bloody Mary: SHH! SHUT UP. We’re watching Stone Bees. We’re binging it.

Riley: There’s like 200 episodes of that shit--

Bloody Mary: Time is fake. Put the video on.

Evelyn: She’s got a point, Riley. We did manage to somehow watch every episode of Professor Huh in the span of 4 hours.

Riley: That’s true, I guess. Temporal reality is pretty fucky in this basement. [sighs] Alright, let’s watch some Stone Bees.

[ WEIRD AD TIME ]

SOUND: Wind chimes, New Age music.

Goopy Female Voiceover: Plants are like...really good. When you keep plants in your home, it makes your space more beautiful, it improves your air quality, and most importantly, it improves your vibe. And here at Strange And Unusual Plant Box, we believe in the curative power of using plants to improve your vibe, by massively ruining other peoples’ vibes. If you subscribe to Strange And Unusual Plant Box for just 9.99 a month, you’ll receive a new, unique killer plant, carefully selected by our team of botanists, to be a perfect gift for someone you hate.

This month’s plant selection is a creeping space moss that grows anywhere, and we mean literally anywhere. If you don’t want to commit to the subscription, you can purchase any of our previous months’ plants. Some of our bestsellers include our talking carnivorous succulents, literal climbing vines, bonsai-sized whomping willows, and a rare species of orchid that releases deadly spores into the air twice a day.

Use promo code ‘Stolas’ on our website and we’ll throw in a free pack of deadly nightshade seeds. Strange And Unusual Plant Box - embrace your inner green witch, and start killing people you don’t like with weird plants.

[ END OF WEIRD AD TIME ]

Evelyn: Wow, so you and that guy were a thing?

Bloody Mary: Yeah, a million years ago…[wistful, horny] those tentacles.

Riley: Okay, calm down, this is a family podcast.

Evelyn: No, it isn’t.

Riley: It’s not a hentai podcast, that’s for damn sure.

Evelyn: So...Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary: That’s meeee!

Evelyn: Are you two serious about each other? Because I think it could work. You’d make a cute couple.

Bloody Mary: No, no way. He’s a total sellout. And his ego is just...ugh. Like, yeah, I get it, you’re a ‘brand’...like, shut the fuck up. I’m more well known than you but I didn’t pay to get there, honey. I’ve never had to copyright my own name.

Riley: Wait...you mean [static noises] is trademarked?

Bloody Mary: SHH NO. Bleep that in post. You guys think [static noises] is relentless, wait until you meet his lawyers.

Riley: [deadpan] Spill that tea, sis.

Evelyn: Okay, so, Riley, I think it’s your turn now. Bloody Mary--

Riley: Oh no.

Evelyn: Bloody Mary, you can ask the question.

Bloody Mary: Riley! Truth or Dare?

Riley: Alright….I don’t want to do this, but I did truth on my last turn and I feel a strong need for balance in my life, so….[sighs] Fuck it, dare.

SOUND: Bloody Mary squeals and takes a sip from her drink.

Evelyn: ...When did you refill that glass?

Bloody Mary: Riley, I dare you to play the most embarrassing song that you like at TOP volume.

Riley: I don’t like any embarrassing songs. My taste in music is perfect.

Evelyn: I strongly disagree.

Riley: Shut up, Nickelback-liker.

Evelyn: I wear that title with pride.

Bloody Mary: Come on, Riley, everyone has a couple of dumb songs on their playlist. And you can’t go back on a dare, it’s binding. Like a blood oath.

SOUND: Riley groans, clicks their mouse a couple times, then hits play. They make a noise like this physically hurts them.

SOUND: Numa Numa starts playing full blast.

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, I love this song!

Riley: Your approval fills me with shame.

SOUND: Loud banging on the basement door. The music stops.

Riley: Alright, mom, it’s off!

SOUND: Footsteps leading away from the basement.

Bloody Mary: Ugh, buzzkill much?

Riley: Tell me about it.

Bloody Mary: Well...you know what else we love to do at sleepovers…

[PAUSE.]

Bloody Mary: [stage whisper] We play pranks.

Riley: Absolutely not.

Bloody Mary: Shhh, nothing bad, I’m just gonna play a lil prank on your buzzkill mom. I’m gonna go into the hall mirror and scare her.

Riley: She will kill you and then she will kill me.

Bloody Mary: It’s fine, I’m a ghost!

Riley: That will not stop her.

Bloody Mary: [getting farther away] What? Too late, I’m going upstairs.

SOUND: Ghostly noises as she phases through the ceiling.

Riley: Well, Evelyn...you wanted an interesting sleepover.

Evelyn: [extremely worried] So can your mom actually kill ghosts?

Riley: You’re safe, my parents think you’re my imaginary friend.

Evelyn: Why? They can hear my voice on the podcast…

Riley: They don’t listen. They say they want to, but I know they don’t.

SOUND: Clattering and indistinct yelling from upstairs. Bloody Mary falls back through the ceiling.

Evelyn: Holy smokes, Bloody Mary, are you okay?

Riley: I told her.

SOUND: Bloody Mary gets up off the floor and brushes herself off.

Bloody Mary: Gals, it’s been fun but I, uh...I have to go.

Evelyn: Aww, why? We were having such a fun time!

Bloody Mary: No, I have to go. Right now. I physically have to.

Evelyn: Why are you going back into the bathroom?

Bloody Mary: I can’t stop it, I have to go. I love both of you, bye guys. [to Jon] Pizza Man...you know how to call me.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that. Sorry.

SOUND: Bloody Mary is sucked back into the mirror.

Evelyn: What was that all about?

Riley: I knew it would happen…she should’ve listened. My mom used The Voice on her.

Evelyn: Are you serious?

Riley: Absolutely. Mom Voice is the most powerful method of banishment on Earth.

Evelyn: We’ll have to summon her again sometime, she was fun. How are we doing for time?

Riley: I think we’re good to wrap it up.

Evelyn: You still up for a Disney marathon?

Riley: Honestly? I kinda just want to go to bed.

[ END OF EPISODE]

Irritated with Riley’s hipsterish frustration with modern TV, Evelyn cycles through a series of TV shows in order to prove the pretentious ghoul wrong. In the process, she might accidentally unleash a universe-destroying horror.

+ Transcript

Riley: All TV is a flaming garbage fire and no one can convince me otherwise.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your Ghost Host with the Most!

Riley: Throw out your cable box, and unsubscribe from everything, that’s the only way they’ll get the message.

Evelyn: Welcome to Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost does the intro and the ghoul goes off-script, Riley.

Riley: They can’t keep getting away with it, Evelyn!

Evelyn: You can’t keep getting away with derailing our intro.

Riley: I’m talking about the big wigs and the fat cats who think they know better than us. Those assholes control what we see, they control what we consume, they control who gets banned from Pizza Pizzazz-O.

Evelyn: You’re still talking about TV, right?

Riley: Yes. Entertainment. The industry. Streaming services. It’s all connected and it’s all shit.

Evelyn: I dunno, I’ve seen some recent shows and they’re not so bad.

Riley: They are more than so bad. Not that you would know.

Evelyn: What’s that supposed to mean?

Riley: I’ve eaten your body, so I know for a fact that you have zero taste.

Evelyn: Wow, did I really taste that bad?

Riley: It was a joke. It means that everything you love is terrible.

Evelyn: Seriously though, what did I taste like?

SOUND: Intro music cuts off the awkward silence.

Evelyn: Rude. So we’re just not going to talk about it?

Riley: I’m more interested in talking about...anything but that.

Evelyn: [Sigh] Like television?

Riley: That’ll do. So, Evelyn, what shows have you been watching?

Evelyn: Well, I’ve been using your mom’s Silverstream account.

Riley: You mean my Silverstream account.

Evelyn: It’s under your mom’s name, though. So it’s your mom’s account.

Riley: Let me have this.

Evelyn: Well, SilverStream has all the episodes of that late-nineties sitcom Associates, so I watch that a lot when I'm bored.

Riley: Ugh. Watching Associates when you're bored is like putting out a garbage fire with piss. Yeah, it works, but at what cost?

Evelyn: Oh come on, Riley, it’s fun!

Riley: Of course you think that, you've been dead for sixteen years, you think emojis are exciting.

Evelyn: They are! They've got little eyes!

Riley: The whole streaming market is a house of cards, anyway. It's all gonna come crashing down soon.

Evelyn: What!? No fair, I only just got into it!

Riley: The entertainment industry has never been fair, Ev. It's a cruel and unforgiving beast - like my mom.

Evelyn: How come it's all gonna crash?

Riley: Well, SilverStream was there first, and when it started making money from rubes like us hand over fist, everyone else wanted a taste of that streaming gold - so now they're flooding the market. Hell’s getting a streaming service.

Evelyn: Hell makes TV shows!?

Riley: Duh. Where do you think reality shows come from? But it's not just that. Vampires are taking all the vampire movies and shows over to their own streaming service, same for stupid, delicious zombies. There's that service run by the Serial Killers Union that has all the good snuff films. And of course, The Crab Lord and his underwater kingdom off the coast of Miami are making their own streaming service, too. This is just the beginning, Ev. In the end, if you want full media coverage, you'll need to subscribe to so many different services that it'll basically be a cable package.

Evelyn: Well that's depressing. But still, it's even more of an excuse to enjoy it while it lasts!

Riley: [Sighing] Fine. I concede. Let’s take a look at what this gallery of bullshit has to offer.

SOUND: SilverStream start-up noise.

Evelyn: You know, they've got a bunch of new content. And they've been marketing the heck out of that new SilverStream-exclusive movie, Grave Boat.

Riley: Shh, shh. You hear that sound? It's me not giving a fuck about Grave Boat.

Evelyn: But it’s on the banners, it must be worth watching.

Riley: You are God’s perfect fool, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Aw, thanks, Riley.

Riley: My point exactly. SilverStream originals are just movies that suck too hard to get into theatres, no matter how they brand them.

[BEAT - SCROLLING NOISES]

Evelyn: That looks good! What’s that show?

Riley: You did not just point to a goddamn anime.

Evelyn: Why? Anime’s great! It’s the next big thing.

Riley: Yeah, that's because you died in 2004, when it was Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and Cowboy Bebop. Now it's “I can pull dinosaurs out of my sister’s quadrouple-D titties, oh and by the way, she's fourteen.”

Evelyn: Pardon…?

Riley: If you want, we can watch the trailer.

--

[ANIME TIME]

SOUND: Intense Anime Music.

Anime Boy: How can I ever become a grand magic mage if I can’t get my GPA above 3.5? I'm such a charmingly plucky underdog!

Anime Girl: You totally suck at life, Baka. Go drown yourself. I'm gonna treat you abusively until you show enough masculine traits to be deemed worthy of respect.

Anime Boy: Senpai, please teach me the true techniques. I’ll do anything for you, even though - despite you being a more competent and interesting character than me - you'll get sidelined for my narrative!

Anime Girl: Don’t saddle me with your emotional labor, B-baka!

Anime Boy: Wow, your glasses make me so hot.

Anime Girl: The fuck did you say?

Anime Boy: Something about grades.

Narrator: F.

[END OF ANIME…FOR NOW]

--

Evelyn: Is that the name of the show or just a general statement?

Riley: It’s how I feel about it. And that’s all that matters.

Evelyn: Y’know, I thought anime was all fantasy, and swords, and cool fight scenes.

Riley: I mean yeah, there is good anime, like Jojo’s, but anime as a whole is kind of like a dumpster. If you want the tasty stuff, you've gotta dig beneath all the used condoms and hypodermic needles.

Evelyn: What’s that one? That one looks like fantasy.

Riley: Kinda. It’s Isekai.

Evelyn: What’s that?

Riley: Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?

Evelyn: Of course, I love The Wizard of Oz!

Riley: Yeah, it's nothing like that. Just watch.

--

[ANIME TIME 2: ANIME TIMES]

SOUND: Whimsical fantasy music.

Salaryman: WHOA! I’m falling through an app on my phone into another world. How this sort of thing happens to 30-year old salaryman like me, I may never know!

SOUND: Magic portal closes.

Anime Maiden: Here ye, handsome stranger, welcome to Arterious.

Salaryman: Are we about to go on some kind of adventure?

Anime Maiden: Of course! You'll go on an exciting quest through our enchanted land - fighting monsters, encountering enemies who’ll learn to cower at your feet, bedding big-breasted maidens, and of course--

SOUND: Anime Maiden breaks into a coughing fit.

Salaryman: You okay there, fair maiden?

Anime Maiden: [cough] Oh dear, it appears I've been stricken with the plague.

Salaryman: That’s not infectious, is it? [cough]

SOUND: Wistful music cue.

Salaryman: And that’s how I came to be dying of the plague in another world.

[ANIME TIME OVER FOREVER]

--

Evelyn: What is that show called?

Riley: Dying of The Plague in Another World.

Evelyn: Well, it’s relatable I guess.

Riley: Okay, let’s get the fuck away from anime.

SOUND: Clicking, as they navigate the menu.

Evelyn: [Smug] What’s this? Continue watching? But Riley, I thought all television was bad.

Riley: There are exceptions.

Evelyn: Like what?

Riley: Something with nuanced characters, intricate plot threads, and a consistent sense of mystery and intrigue.

Evelyn: Oh, I love My Little Pony!

Riley: Ugh, god no. Try this on for size.

--

[PRETENTIOUS SCI-FI TIME]

SOUND: Intense sci-fi music.

Man: I know you slept with my wife.

Android: I only did it to find out if I was a man or a machine.

Man: Congratulations. You’re a man.

Android: What?

Man: I built you. My wife is your mother.

Android: NOOOOOOOOOO.

[RETURN TO NORMAL]

--

Evelyn: What was that all about?

Riley: Oedipus 3000. Third season.

Evelyn: And that’s… a good show?

Riley: You wouldn’t get it. You have to watch from the beginning. I’m gonna warn you, though, the first season’s a slog. Like, nothing worthwhile happens, but it's still super important to the continuity of the show.

Evelyn: Well, I guess I’m not getting any older.

Riley: Yeah, I guess you’re not.

Evelyn: I’ll let you know what I think, when I catch up.

Riley: If you catch up.

Evelyn: No. When. I’m not going to pass up the Riley Almanzor Gold Standard of Entertainment.

Riley: Alright, alright, that’s a little much.

Evelyn: The new Professor Huh series looks good. Have you seen that?

Riley: Professor What?

Evelyn: No, Professor Huh! It’s been on for 60 years, how have you never heard of it?

Riley: Probably because it’s some lowest common denominator crap.

Evelyn: Or it’s so underground that even you haven’t clocked it.

Riley: ...Go on.

Evelyn: It’s a sci-fi series about a man who travels to different places he knows nothing about, and usually either falls for a cheap tourist trap or gets mugged by a local.

Riley: That sounds predictable.

Evelyn: You’d think so, but the writing is actually very sophisticated. It shows active contempt for its younger fans.

Riley: Alright, I’ll bite. One episode.

Evelyn: Yay! Okay, let’s start from the beginning...

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

Narrator: From the makers of hnnnngh… comes a theatrical experience that will never come to a theatre near you.

SOUND: Foghorn. Waves crash against a boat.

Celebrity Cameo: I can tell you right now… This boat… it’s a grave boat.

B-Lister: A grave boat?

Celebrity Cameo: You heard what I said. A grave boat.

B-Lister: What’s a grave boat?

Celebrity Cameo: You don’t wanna find out.

Narrator: Grave Boat. Getting Grave Reviews from multiple media outlets. Critics are calling it, “a movie.” And “an experience you physically cannot escape.”

Moviegoer 1: I’ve seen so many of those stupid pre-roll ads for Grave Boat, I’m gonna go out of my way never to see [Taken out by sniper]

Moviegoer 2: They told me I’d get to see my family again if I watched Grave Boat, but I don’t even know what it is. Is it like a movie?

Narrator: Yes, it’s a movie… it’s been streaming for months already. Grave Boat. Watch it. Please. It’s right there. Go on. Do it.

[WEIRD AD TIME OVER]

--

Riley: I can’t believe we watched over 60 years of television in one afternoon.

Evelyn: You look visibly older.

Riley: I am. It was pretty good, to be honest.

Evelyn: Guess my taste isn’t so bad after all.

Riley: Uh huh.

Evelyn: Speaking of…

Riley: Don’t.

Evelyn: Come on, can’t you even say I tasted like chicken? Everything tastes like chicken.

Riley: Oh, would you look at that. A new show’s trending. Looks like some old cartoon from the eighties: Middle-Aged Tree Men?

Evelyn: MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN!

Riley: I take it you know the show?

Evelyn: Know it? Riley, Middle-Aged Tree Men was my childhood! I watched it every saturday, I had all the figurines, I even went to the conventions to meet the voice actors.

Riley: I assumed back then they just had the interns do it.

Evelyn: Only for minor characters.

Riley: What’s it about?

Evelyn: It’s an action-adventure-fantasy about two heroes, Redwood and Silverbirch, who are middle-aged men that can also assume the forms of trees. They fight crime, promote recycling, and have a lot of homoerotic subtext. It was the best.

Riley: It sounds painfully dated.

Evelyn: [scoffs] Like all True Art, it’s timeless, Riley!

Riley: You do realize the toy shows of the eighties are an ugly mirror to our consumerist culture, right? They brainwashed kids into worshipping pieces of carcinogenic plastic.

Evelyn: Hey! I grew up on the show and I turned out fine!

Riley: Evelyn, you’re dead.

Evelyn: Well, it wasn’t action-figure cancer that killed me, was it, Riley?

Riley: You were a victim of your preferences, either way.

Evelyn: And now you’re going to be a victim of my preferences, too.

Riley: We’re not watching it.

Evelyn: Too late!

SOUND: Middle-Aged Tree Men theme song begins.

Riley: Oh, you did not just possess my laptop and hit the play button.

Evelyn: That is precisely what I did. Also, hush, it’s starting.

SOUND: The theme song, set to a rising Shepard Tone: MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN! TELL YOUR PARENTS TO BUY EVERY TOY!

Evelyn: [Wistful] Oh, this brings back memories.

Riley: Repressed memories?

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

SOUND: Filmation-esque music.

Redwood: Silverbirch, we need to stop those big wigs and fat cats from doing a pollution on the earth!

Silverbirch: Then let’s make like trees and show them who’s boss. Right, Morby?

Morby: Morby!

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: What’s with the featureless white blob?

Evelyn: Oh, that’s Morby, I guess.

Riley: He doesn’t look middle-aged or like a tree.

Evelyn: I don’t even remember him being in the show, to be honest.

Riley: Fake fan.

Evelyn: I was six. Just watch it.

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

Fat Cat: I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you two meddling guys in your mid-forties.

Redwood: You poor misguided villain. Let’s take a selfie with him, Silverbirch!

SOUND: Camera flash.

Silverbirch: Dab! Dab! I’m dabbing, Redwood, watch me dab!

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: Are you sure this isn't a reboot?

Evelyn: There’s never been a reboot!

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

Fat Cat: You haven't seen the last of me, Middle-Aged Tree Men!

Redwood: Oh yes we have. Morby, consume him: body, mind, and soul!

Fat Cat: Wait, what?

Morby: MORBY!

SOUND: Fat Cat screams as Morby assimilates him. Morby now speaks with a monotone version of Fat Cat’s voice.

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: Man. Kids shows were brutal back then. Thanks, Reagan.

Evelyn: I don't remember any of this…

--

[MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

Silverbirch and Redwood: Three cheers for Morby! The most important member of the team! Morby! Morby! Morby!

Morby: [Fat Cat’s Voice] Morby.

SOUND: Horrifying screams from Silverbirch and Redwood as Morby grows and consumes both of them.

[END OF MIDDLE-AGED TREE MEN]

--

Riley: What the actual fuck is going on? This is episode one, and everyone's dead!

Evelyn: This is ruining my childhood.

SOUND: Morby becomes louder. More threatening.

Morby: I am Morby. I am the end of memory. Your future is forfeit. You have no place to escape to. Run from your future, come to Morby. Morbyyyyy.

Riley: Umm… Evelyn?

Evelyn: Okay, next episode.

SOUND: Morby’s voice is in the room. An ominous, bass note swells.

Morby: There is no next episode, Evelyn Hooper. Morby is the first and final episode, and every episode in between. I am the vulture who feasts on time. I am the shadow of the turned page. Your innocence is my ambrosia, your lust for simplicity my bread.

Riley: Great, now I’m hungry and terrified.

Evelyn: (scared) Cancel your service.

Riley: I can’t. It’s my mom’s.

Evelyn: I knew it!

Morby: For decades I have slumbered, waiting for a new children’s toy franchise to imbue with my resplendent wholeness. I became impatient and instead settled for a pre-existing intellectual property. One which those same blind fools who shut me away would consume without any thought towards their own future.

Riley: Evelyn, I’m gonna be real. I do not like Morby. He’s the worst.

Evelyn: Don’t you get it, Riley? Morby isn’t from Middle-Aged Tree Men, he’s some kind of parasite who feeds on my generation’s nostalgia. He probably just latched onto this show because it was trending.

Morby: Morby is the next big thing. And soon, the only thing.

Evelyn: I just don’t understand. Why’d it have to be Middle-Aged Tree Men? Do you enjoy ruining what I love? Is that what you are? I bet you were never even a fan of the original cartoon.

Morby: Morby has no concept of its vessels. Only their power.

Riley: I’ve got it! (beat) Hey, Morby… Silverstream just added Heathers. You should get in on that.

Morby: Morby hasn’t seen Heathers, but Morby has heard good things.

Riley: Damn right. It’s a classic and it’s yours for the taking.

Evelyn: Riley! You’ll only make him more powerful!

Riley: Ev, it’s cool.

Morby: Heathers will be one with Morby, and after that, Morby will absorb this podcast, and also the universe.

Riley: Yeah. See you then.

SOUND: Morby slithers back into the TV. The sound in the room returns to normal.

Evelyn: Nice going, Riley! Now you've ruined everyone’s childhood! And their adulthood! And everything!

Riley: Good to know you’re a Heathers fan. We should watch it sometime.

Evelyn: Yeah, let’s watch the cult classic movie that now harbors a galaxy-devouring cosmic nightmare.

Riley: Oh, Heathers is fine. It’s not even on Silverstream. (beat) But what is on Silverstream is the Paramount TV reboot of Heathers.

Evelyn: Wait... Paramount rebooted Heathers?

Riley: Exactly, nobody’s heard of it. He’s so screwed.

Evelyn: So you’re telling me that as long as nobody watches something they weren’t going to watch anyway…

Riley: Our plane of existence and every DVD copy of Middle-Aged Tree Men is safe? You got it.

Evelyn: Riley, if I could hug you properly, I would. But you’re just going to have to settle for a ghost hug.

Riley: I may not feel it on my skin, but I feel it in here.

Evelyn: Did you just point to your stomach?

Riley: No, Evelyn, that’s my heart. I just have bad posture.

[BEAT]

Riley: Oh, and uh, Buffalo Wings.

Evelyn: Huh?

Riley: You tasted like buffalo wings.

Evelyn: So I did taste like chicken!

Riley: Yes, but a very specific type of chicken. My palette is highly discerning.

Evelyn: I thought you didn't wanna tell me.

Riley: Oh, trust me, I didn't, but after nearly being swallowed by an albino langolier, it’s not like I could get any more uncomfortable.

Evelyn: You wanna watch more TV?

Riley: I mean, we did watch TV all afternoon. But yes.

Evelyn: Aw, Riley, You’re the Beavis to my Butthead.

Riley: I have no idea what that means, but thanks, Ev.

[END]

After deciding that the interview format works for them, Riley and Evelyn desperately try to hold down a guest, to variable success.

+ Transcript

SOUND: Riley snoring in the background.

Evelyn: [whispering] Hey, everyone. Evelyn here! Hope you had a good two weeks! We wanna thank you all so much for your support on episode one. If I had a physical body, I'd high-five all of you! Also, sorry I'm whispering, Riley's sleeping and I don't wanna wake them. It gets a little boring at night sometimes, so it's nice to talk to you. I'd hang out with Jon, but he's still a little cranky after the incident. Anyway, before we start episode two, I just wanna let you know that we now have a Kofi and a Patreon! So if you wanna help us buy real food and keep Talahassee's delivery people safe, you can support Less Is Morgue with your donations!

SOUND: A particularly unflattering snore from Riley.

Evelyn: We're gonna have oodles of fun bonus content, including minisodes and exclusive behind-the-scenes info on there soon! You can find the links on our website and on your social media. Stick around for the end credits to find out more! With that out of the way, I love you all, and I hope you enjoy the episode. Buh-bye!

--

[START OF THE SHOW]

Riley: Okay so, we've both agreed we're gonna keep things a little more orderly this time, right?

Evelyn: Right!

Riley: So no demons, no murder, no digressing.

Evelyn: I mean, the "no murder" stuff is gonna be down to you, but on the other two, yeah, totally.

Riley: And we're having guests.

Evelyn: Yup! In fact, I've already booked one for today's episode.

Riley: What!? Why didn't you mention this earlier?

Evelyn: I wanted it to be a surprise! I'm super excited about it,

Riley, you're gonna love him.

Riley: Fuck! I thought I was getting the guest this week!

Evelyn: Oh. We should probably work on our communication skills.

Riley: Great. Wonderful. Not a minute in, and we've already fucked it.

Evelyn: Can't you just cut this part?

Riley: Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub ghost audio out of a file? [Sighs] Alright, let's just cut our losses and--

SOUND: Riley is cut off by the intro music.

Riley: Do the intro.

Evelyn: Hey everyone! If you're listening to this, it means you like having a good time, and there are other worlds than these!

Riley: In Tokyo, you can pay the Family Romance Corporation to imitate your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. Me? I do it for free. Welcome to the show. I'm Riley, your best Ghoulfriend. [Shudders] God, it never gets any easier to say.

Evelyn: And I'm Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!

Riley: You're listening to Less Is Morgue, the podcast where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Evelyn: Yay! That's us! So, what are we gonna do about our guest situation?

SOUND: Riley texting.

Evelyn: Riley?

SOUND: The text sends.

Riley: I just sent my guy a text and blew him off. We're good.

Evelyn: That seems a little harsh.

Riley: Podcasting is a dog eat dog world, Evelyn, and I'm starving.

Evelyn: Ha. Good one.

Riley: I'm not joking, I skipped breakfast for this.

Evelyn: What? Why?

Riley: I always get antsy before we record, why do you think I ordered a pizza last time?

Evelyn: Are you gonna do it again?

Riley: [Bummed Out] No. Zagarella’s Pizzeria doesn't deliver here anymore - last time was one pizza guy too many, apparently. Damn pepperoni fascists.

Evelyn: Wait, so other pizza guys have--

Riley: How about you just tell us about the guest?

Evelyn: Well, he's a makeup guru--

Riley: Riveting.

Evelyn: And! He's got over a hundred thousand followers on Instagram.

Riley: Who told you about Instagram? Wait, doesn't matter. A hundred thousand followers is a pretty big deal.

Evelyn: I know, right?

Riley: How'd you get him?

Evelyn: Turns out, he's actually a super nice guy, he loves supporting small creators.

Riley: What's his name?

Evelyn: Brains Vincent. His show is called “Morbid Makeovers.”

Riley: Huh, never heard of him. Name seems to ring a bell, though...

Evelyn: Maybe his face will jog your memory. He should be here any minute now.

[LONG SILENCE.]

Evelyn: Any minute now…

[SILENCE CONTINUES]

Evelyn: Any...Okay, I have no idea where he is.

Riley: Excellent start. Yours is a no-show and I just blew mine off.

Evelyn: Maybe he just got caught in traffic? He could still show!

Riley: Only we could go from having too many guests to not enough guests in the span of a minute. It’s like whatever the opposite of a super-power is.

Evelyn: Who was your guest gonna be, anyway?

Riley: Doesn’t matter! I was angry about the double-booking so I was maybe a little too brutal in the text. We’ll never get him to guest now.

Evelyn: Darn it. Who are we gonna interview, then?

SOUND: Riley types frantically.

Evelyn: What are you doing, Riley?

Riley: Something I haven’t done in years: checked Facebook.

Evelyn: Checked what!?

Riley: Yeah, we really don’t have time to get into that now. All that matters is we might be able to find someone local who could be easily persuaded to come down here on ultra-short-notice.

Evelyn: Who has that little going on in their life, Riley?

Riley: Pause the recording. Let’s find out…

SOUND: Evelyn pauses the recording. A few moments of silence.

SOUND: Click. The recording returns.

Riley: So, would you like to introduce yourself?

Evelyn: Doesn’t it make more sense for us to--

Erik: I am Erik D’Corah! Master of the Mystic! Conduit to the Spirit World! Tallahassee’s Most In-Demand Spiritual Medium! And I also have an upcoming ten-night show in Las Vegas, tickets available online at www.MagicalErik.com!

Evelyn: Little rude to interrupt me like that, but it got the job done.

Riley: Thanks for coming on such short notice, organization is kind of a shitshow around here. Do you want something to drink? Water? Tea? Whatever the hell keeps dripping from that exposed pipe in the corner?

SOUND: Drip, drip, drip.

Erik: No need! I brought my own refreshments, thank you!

SOUND: Erik slams his water bottle down on the table.

Erik: I knew that you would bid me to journey here - it was foretold by my tarot cards, which can be purchased at www.MagicalErik.com/Merch!

Evelyn: Is he our sponsor now, too? This jerk can’t even see me, Riley!

Riley: Tarot cards. Interesting. So you can predict the future?

Erik: Of course! What kind of psychic would I be if I couldn't? As a soothsayer, I can say the sooth, the whole sooth, and nothing but the sooth.

Riley: Can you do a live reading here on the show?

SOUND: Erik flips out a deck of cards.

Erik: I’d expect nothing less. Observe, as I peer into what is yet to come!

SOUND: He lays out the cards.

Erik: For you, Riley Almanzor, I have three predictions. The first…

SOUND: Erik flips a card.

Erik: Is that a witch will take your bones.

Riley: Pardon?

Evelyn: That’s awfully specific.

Erik: I can only interpret what’s on the cards, my dear. The second prediction…

SOUND: Erik flips another card.

Erik: Is to beware the ukulele. Nothing good will come of it.

Riley: Is it normal for all the predictions to sound like Tumblr shitposts?

Erik: AND THE THIRD AND FINAL PREDICTION…

SOUND: Erik flips the card.

Erik: Hmmm.

Riley: Is there a problem?

Erik: Well, this one could mean one of two things. One is that you may be making a new friend soon…

Evelyn: Awww!

Erik: And the other is that an event of dimension-destroying proportions will someday occur in this very basement.

Evelyn: Less awww.

Riley: Jesus. Can we get a little more specific on that last one?

Erik: My apologies, there’s only so far even a seer can see.

Riley: Alright, just gonna file that away with all the other vague anxieties. What made you want to come on the show, Erik?

Erik: I knew you were going to ask that!

Evelyn: That’s gonna get old.

Riley: [Harsh whisper] What are you, a greek chorus? [Normal] Sorry, Erik, please continue.

Erik: In addition to promoting my thoroughly thrilling upcoming Vegas show - I reiterate, tickets available at www--

Riley: [Losing patience] Yes, we got that part, but why else, Erik?

Erik: I was just getting to that! Point is, I heard tell that this basement is haunted.

Evelyn: Well, yeah, that’s the central premise of the show.

Erik: And I presupposed, who better than I, the nexus of noumena and pneumonia, to communicate with these entities of the beyond? That’s why, for the first time in podcast history, I am going to summon up my glorious power, and contact the dead, live on air!

SOUND: Evelyn laughing hysterically.

Riley: [Embarrassed] Wow. That’ll certainly be a first.

Evelyn: [Still laughing] This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Erik: For you, Riley Almanzor, and the listeners at home, I shall open up the passage between two worlds - parallel, but unable to touch. Star-crossed lovers, dancing on a cosmic stage.

Riley: [Irritated] Alright, we get it, let’s move it along.

Erik: The spirits! They move through me! [He begins speaking in tongues]

Riley: [To Evelyn] I swear to god, Evelyn, you say one word...

Erik: She is here! In the room with us! The spirit called...Emily.

Evelyn: I mean, he wasn’t that far off.

Riley: Don’t mock me with your pity.

Erik: Silence, ghoul! I’m communing with the infinite. She’s speaking to me, right now.

Evelyn: Ask him what I’m saying. Go on.

Riley: [Groans loudly, then phones it in] What does she say, oh great magician?

Erik: She says...she misses you, and cherishes the memories of your time together while she was alive.

Evelyn: He literally doesn’t know...anything. It’s almost impressive.

Erik: She’s also saying...wait a second, wait a second, it’s coming to me...she’s also saying, you all need to go to www.MagicalErik.com, and buy his forty-three step course on contacting the dead, so this terrible loneliness confounds her no longer.

Evelyn: I wonder what he’ll do if I rattle his water bottle.

Riley: It’s worth a try.

Erik: Of course it’s worth a try! The course has a 97.4% success rate!

Evelyn: And here...we...go…

SOUND: The water bottle rattles on the ground; Erik shrieks loudly.

Erik: The fuck was that? Did you do that?

Riley: Uh, no?

Erik: Jesus Christ, the spirits, they’re really here!

Evelyn: This is even better! I’m gonna do it again.

SOUND: The bottle rattles again; Erik screams again.

Erik: Fuck this, I can’t die now, think of my investments!

SOUND: Erik runs up the stairs, opens the door, and slams it.

Riley: Well, that was fucking dreadful.

Evelyn: I feel like I somehow know even less after that.

Riley: In hindsight, a white guy wearing a jewel-encrusted turban with a three-piece tuxedo probably should have been a red flag.

Evelyn: I thought the cape kind of suited him, at least.

Riley: Either way, this brings us back to a big, fat, zero. Let’s just write it off and grab lunch.

Evelyn: Come on, Riles. You don’t have to be such a debbie downer.

Riley: I have every right to be a debbie downer! I’m living in the real world - and that means avoiding disappointment by having subterranean expectations!

Evelyn: I feel like maybe you’re just used to people treating you badly so you always assume the worst. Sometimes, good things just happen.

Riley: Don’t you dare Dr. Phil me. Do you really believe a guest is just gonna walk in?

SOUND: Basement door opens.

Brains Vincent: Heeeeeey, is this Less Is Morgue?

Evelyn: [Gasps] IT’S BRAINS VINCENT! HE’S HERE! GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN!

Riley: Great. Now I look like a dick.

Brains Vincent: Sorry I’m late. A Shoggoth was blocking Oak Street so I had to take the long way round.

Evelyn: It’s okay, we’re still recording! Come on down, Brains!

SOUND: Footsteps as Brains Vincent descends into the basement.

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] Evelyn!

Evelyn: [Whispering] Yeah?

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] You didn't tell me he was a zombie!

Evelyn: [Whispering] I thought it was implied, with the whole "brains" thing. He invented Zomtouring!

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] This is gonna be a disaster.

Evelyn: [Whispering] I thought it made sense, seeing as only you and the undead can see me. What’s wrong, Riley?

Riley: [Harsh, Panicked Whisper] Put two and two together, Hooper!

---

Brains Vincent: Is this seat taken?

Evelyn: Nope! Thanks so much for coming, Brains.

Brains Vincent: Really, it's no problem at all, I'm happy to help. You're Evelyn, right?

Evelyn: Yeah, we spoke over the phone.

Brains Vincent: Of course! Your voice is a lot less...raspy, in person.

Evelyn: [Laughs Nervously] Yeah, sorry about that, most tech doesn't mix with ghost voices. It takes us an hour to configure the microphones before we can record.

Brains Vincent: I get it, it's totally fine. C'est la Mort.

SOUND: Brains and Evelyn laugh together.

Brains Vincent: Who's your friend over there?

Evelyn: Oh, that's my co-host, Riley.

Riley: [Nervous, awkward] Hi.

Brains Vincent: They seem a little quiet...and sweaty.

Riley: Oh, uh, don't mind me, I'm just, uh, ventilating. It's a ghoul thing.

Evelyn: That's odd. You've never had to do that around me before, Riley.

Riley: I'm not lying.

Evelyn: I didn't say you were, I just--

Riley: [Sharp; Firm] How about you take the lead on this interview, Evelyn? After all, you booked our guest.

Evelyn: Um, sure, why not! So, Brains, how did you first get into makeup?

Brains Vincent: Well, I was never all that into cosmetics when I was alive. I just worked in Capital Circle, temping at a pet store.

Evelyn: Ooh, which one?

Brains Vincent: PetSmart!

SOUND: Riley’s stomach grumbles.

Riley: [Nervous] Sorry, pet talk, always sets me off. Carry on.

Brains Vincent: [A little confused] Huh. So anyway, one day they brought in this rare Sumatran Rat Monkey that some collector wanted to buy, but the little bastard got loose and just ate my face off my skull.

Evelyn: Oh gosh, that's horrible - don't you think so too, Riley?

Riley: [Nervous; Distracted] Yeah, what a lucky-- I mean, uh, nasty little fucker.

Brains Vincent: I died of my injuries at the hospital. Should have been expected, really - the mortality rate for employees at that PetSmart is super high, especially after they started selling those flesh-eating scarab beetles and the goldfish that can control your thoughts.

Evelyn: Why did you take such a dangerous job, Brains? Brains Vincent: That’s a funny story, actually. So it all started when I needed to get a new tank for Celine, my pet Axolotl…

--

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A fire ignites. Chill lounge music plays.

Satan: Overworked? Underappreciated? Harbouring a dark soul full of terrible secrets? Then go to Hell! Literally!

Hello everybody, I’m Satan, but you may also know me as the Devil, Lucifer, and your mother in law. Am I right, fellas? [Laughs] I kid, I kid. You know, people are always saying that the wages of sin is death, but who can afford to die in this economy?

If you wanna go to Hell before you die, the answer isn't smoking - it’s renting or buying a luxury Morningstar Condo, off the side of the beyootiful River Styx. You like it hot? We’ll literally boil your fucking skin off. You like dogs? Ours have three heads! That’s triple the dog! And don’t get me started on the night life - all the coke-fuelled heavy metal superstars are here, and they perform nightly, or else!

So take a break from reality, and come take a vacation down under...the Earth’s crust. You may or may not have the time of your life! And if you use this limited-time-only promo code, IRenounceMyFaithForTheDarkLord, you'll get 25% off! Morningstar Condos - you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave! [Laughs Madly]

SOUND: Another fiery blast.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

--

Brains Vincent: And I guess on top of that, the hours just really worked for me. Gosh, have I really been talking for forty minutes already? I am such a chatterbox.

SOUND: Riley’s stomach rumbles again.

Brains Vincent: You wanna go get a snack or something, Riley? You’re not looking too good.

Riley: [Shaky, delirious] You know, Brains, that’s an excellent idea. I think I’ve got a family of dead opossums in the freezer to tide me over…

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, can’t you at least wait until after the interview? We’re in the flow now!

Riley: That depends, Ev, how do you want the interview to end? Like I told you, I haven’t eaten this morning…

Evelyn: Just carry on with your story, Brains.

Brains Vincent: Are you sure? Your co-host--

Evelyn: You’ll be able to cope for just a few more minutes, right, Riley? You wanted to be all professional this time, didn’t you?

Riley: [Deeply distressed] Mhmm.

Evelyn: Great! Carry on, Brains.

---

Brains Vincent: Well, okay. Anyway, my family still wanted to have an open casket - even though my face looked like leftover lasagna.

Riley: [Quietly, but with a lot of feeling] Please stop.

Brains Vincent: They spent thousands on Post-Mortem Reconstruction, so by the time I rose off the slab and ate the mortician’s brain, I looked phenomenal.

Evelyn: You barely even look dead, honestly!

Brains Vincent: Thank you! I try.

Riley: [Somewhat creepy] Yeah, you look...amazing.

Brain Vincent: [Unsettled] Uh, thanks, Riley. But here's the thing, I know that not everyone can afford to blow that kind of money on their looks, but that doesn't mean they can't be beautiful. That's why I started Morbid Makeovers: So all my fellow Zoms can look drop dead gorgeous on a budget.

Evelyn: [Totally Sincere] That’s so noble of you, Brains.

Brains Vincent: I mean, it's not all out of the kindness of my totally rotten heart, the brand deals are pretty lucrative, too. I even started producing my own cosmetics line with Dermal Decay.

Evelyn: Oh, wow! That's so cool!

Brains Vincent: I actually brought some here today, I was gonna do a live presentation, if you two are interested.

Evelyn: We’re totally down!

Riley: I wasn't consulted on this.

Brains Vincent: Yay! Okay, you got a mirror?

Riley: Not in here.

Evelyn: There's one in the bathroom, though!

Brains Vincent: That works! You wanna come with me, Riley? Seeing as you have a physical body.

Riley: I don't think that's a good idea.

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, don't be such a sourpuss!

Riley: I have very sensitive skin, the makeup might--

Brains Vincent: Riley, sweetie, all of my makeup is designed with zombies in mind - so ghoul skin shouldn't be a problem.

Riley: But you might not have my shades--

Brains Vincent: I’ve got like five different grays, we’ll be okay.

Riley: I mean, I know I will be, but--

Evelyn: [Chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it!

Riley: Stop peer-pressuring me!

Evelyn: We’ll put the pictures on our Twitter! It’ll be fun.

Riley: [Groans Loudly] Fine! I warned you.

SOUND: Riley and BV stand up, and begin walking to the bathroom.

Brains Vincent: We’ll be right back.

Riley: [Nervous] Sure we will.

SOUND: Bathroom door opens.

Pizza Ghost Jon: Hi, Riley.

Riley: Hi, Jon.

SOUND: Bathroom door closes.

Evelyn: Well, well, well, looks like it's just you and me, listeners. How’s your day going? [Pause] Really? That's nice. Did you know there are whole twitter accounts that just have pictures of dogs? I hadn't seen a dog in sixteen years, then boom, dogs everywhere! Dogs driving cars - can you believe that? Can you believe that there's a dog out there that can drive? I mean, how did the dogs learn how to drive? Is there a doggy driving school? I bet every dog that goes to driving school just aces it, because dogs are good at everything. I used to have a dog - she was a rescue and her name was Peppermint. She was a Pomeranian-Cross-Alaskan-Malamute, and--

SOUND: Bathroom door opens.

Evelyn: [Excited] Hey, Riley! Let's see this makeup…[Beat] Huh. It doesn't look like you're wearing any makeup. Except that dark lipstick...Wow, it’s really smudgy, too.

Riley: [Voice shaking slightly] He was literally...a walking corpse…

Evelyn: Where’s Brains Vincent?

Riley: I tried to warn you.

Evelyn: What!?

Riley: I am a mistake of nature, a mad beast.

Evelyn: RILEY!

Riley: What were you expecting, Evelyn!?

Evelyn: STOP EATING OUR GUESTS!

Riley: I'm a ghoul and he was a zombie. This was inevitable.

Evelyn: Stop invoking fate to excuse your mistakes!

Riley: It’s my right as an American!

Evelyn: You're impossible.

SOUND: Footsteps as Riley approaches; sits down.

Riley: [groans] Do we have any Pepto Bismol? Brains had like five pounds of makeup on him, and I'm paying for it.

[Silence from Evelyn]

Riley: Are we doing the silent treatment now? Come on, Evelyn, this is just childish.

Evelyn: I worked hard to book Brains Vincent, Riley. Do you have any idea how much energy it takes for me to manifest? I need to do that every time I type!

Riley: [Totally sincere] It wasn’t totally in vain, we don’t need to buy dinner now.

Evelyn: [Demonic voice] God damn it, Riley!

Riley: [Nervous] Okay, okay, I’m sorry! In my defence, you made Magical Erik shit his slacks and run for it. We’re even on guest-disposal this episode!

Evelyn: At least I just scared him off. Brains wasn’t that lucky.

Riley: Your negativity is not helping here.

Evelyn: He was a good man, Riley!

Riley: Be that as it may, we’re still a guest podcast with no guests. The reviews are gonna dismember us.

Evelyn: Oh, like how you dismembered--

Riley: Stay on task! We need a guest, pronto, and ours are either traumatised or masticated.

Evelyn: Ew, is that what he did in the bathroom?

Riley: [Gritted teeth] It means “chewed”, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Let’s check Facebook again.

Riley: Cause it worked so well the first time!

Evelyn: [Demonic Voice] DO IT!

Riley: Alright, alright! You know, I'm aware eating living or unliving people is wrong, but I feel like, throughout that whole interview, I was sending you pretty clear signals that I wasn't doing okay.

Evelyn: [sighs] Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry for yelling. None of this would have happened if I'd just let you leave to go calm down and eat.

Riley: It’s okay, I'm pretty full now, so we could literally have a guest made out of cotton candy and Hot Wings and I'd be fine.

Evelyn: Yay?

SOUND: Riley types on their laptop.

Evelyn: How about that guy?

Riley: He’s been dead for four years. Giant ants.

Evelyn: Yikes. Okay, how about her?

Riley: Also dead. Two years. Normal sized ants.

Evelyn: That’s no excuse, I’ve been dead for over ten years, and I’m here!

Riley: Yeah, but I didn’t eat any of these people. Face it, Ev, we’re doomed - the whole episode’s a wash. I just wanted to make an interesting, insightful podcast that provokes thought and discussion about what's really going on - like if NPR weren't too chicken shit to talk about all the reptilians in government - and instead, we’re knee-deep in scary, overwhelming bullshit! We might as well just give up now.

Evelyn: We can't give up that easily. You said it yourself, Riley, podcasting is a dog eat dog world, we need to persevere. You don't have to do this alone, I can help you!

Riley: Then what do you propose we do?

Evelyn: I scared off our first guest, you ate our second. It's clear that when we don't work together on these things, it always blows up in our faces.

Riley: Okay. Agreed. Even if I don't necessarily accept full responsibility for--

Evelyn: Riley.

Riley: Right, right, okay, teamwork, I get you.

Evelyn: We've got enough usable audio from Brains and Erik to make two thirds of a decent episode, we just need one more guest to fill out the time.

Riley: Where do you expect us to find a third guest on such short notice?

Evelyn: We pause the recording, get out of the basement, and search.

Riley: Is this just an elaborate attempt to make me go outside?

Evelyn: Not the intention, just a pleasant side-effect.

Riley: [Grunts] Fine, we’ll go out and beg people like Podcast panhandlers, makes just as much sense as anything we've done today.

Evelyn: That’s the spirit! Come on, let's go.

SOUND: Shuffling. Riley clicks off the recording. A few seconds later, it starts again.

Riley: Okay so...start by saying your name.

Tiffany: Your name.

Riley: No, your name.

Tiffany: Oh, Tiffany. [stoned chuckle]

Riley: That’s great, Tiff. You're on Less Is Morgue, the show where a ghost and a ghoul talk about stuff.

Tiffany: Where’s the ghost?

Riley: You can’t see the ghost.

Tiffany: Why, did I do something wrong?

Riley: No, no, you're doing just fine, Tiffany. You're just, y’know, mortal.

Evelyn: Is she okay? She seems a little spaced out.

Riley: It’s fine, she's always like this.

Evelyn: Are you sure? I'm a little worried about her.

Riley: She’ll be chill, I swear. Whenever I make my midnight Walmart runs to buy more canned Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, she never asks questions - plus, I really don't know who else we’re gonna get on such short notice.

Evelyn: Her eyes are like...really red.

Riley: So she likes to indulge in a little of the devil’s lettuce…

Evelyn: Like really, really, really red. And super glassy.

Riley: Or even a lot of the devil’s lettuce, who are we to judge? Maybe it'll make her a more forthcoming interview subject!

Tiffany: Who’re you talking to?

Riley: Evelyn. The Ghost.

Tiffany: Wait, there’s a ghost?

Riley: [Exasperated] Tiffany, we just…

Evelyn: Be nice! We really need to keep this one.

Riley: [Gritted teeth] Tell the audience a little about yourself.

Tiffany: Well, firstly, my name’s Tiffany, so get that down.

Riley: Yes, that has been established.

Evelyn: Ask her where she works.

Riley: Where do you work, Tiffany?

Tiffany: You already know where I work.

Riley: [Frustrated, trying really, really hard to be polite] Yes, Tiffany, but our listeners at home don't. So please, tell us about who you are, and where you work.

Tiffany: I work at the Capital West Walmart Supercenter.

Riley: Good. Yes. And you've got a dream to work in the music industry, right?

Tiffany: I really want to start a metal band.

Riley: That’s interesting! What instruments do you play?

Tiffany: Oh, I don't play any instruments.

Riley: So you sing?

Tiffany: No, no, I can't really carry a tune.

Riley: [So done] Are you what happen when pregnant women take ambien?

Tiffany: Could you rephrase the question?

Evelyn: Be nice!

Riley: So what role would you play in this metal band, Tiffany?

Tiffany: I can do a really awesome metal scream.

Riley: Do you have a name for the band? Or any songs written?

Tiffany: I figured I'd let the other band members deal with all that stuff, it's not really my area of expertise.

Riley: And what is your area of expertise?

Tiffany: Really sick metal screams.

Riley: Evelyn, how much longer? This is taking decades off of my life.

Evelyn: Just a little longer!

Riley: Maybe if I throw up what’s left of Brains Vincent, we can put him back together, and continue the interview

Evelyn: Let’s just hear what she’s got, it can’t be that bad

Tiffany: I’ll demonstrate for you.

SOUND: Tiffany begins dispassionately metal-screaming.

Evelyn: Wow, it’s that bad.

Riley: Evelyn!

Evelyn: Looks like we’re good for time now.

Riley: Great! [To Tiffany] Tiffany?

Tiffany: [Stops metal-screaming] Yeah?

Riley: Thank you, you've been a wonderful guest. Now get the fuck out of my house.

Tiffany: Okay. When will this be printed?

Riley: Printed? Tiffany, it’s a-- No, fuck this. Leave!

[Awkward Silence]

Evelyn: [Stage whisper] She’s still here.

Riley: Tiffany?

Tiffany: Yeah?

Riley: I just told you to leave.

Tiffany: Oh, I didn't think you were talking to me.

Riley: Who else would I be talking to?

Tiffany: Uh, the goat you've been referring to since you dragged me down here?

Riley: Goat?

Tiffany: Yeah, the imaginary goat.

Riley: Jesus Christ, Tiffany, I knew you were a little blazed but did I miss you getting into meth? I said Ghost. G-H-O-S-T.

Tiffany: Pfft. Ghosts aren't real.

Evelyn: Uh, yeah they are.

Riley: Evelyn says they are.

Tiffany: Well of course she does, she's biased cause she's a ghost.

Riley: I thought you said ghosts weren't real?

Tiffany: Yeah, cause they’re not. Duh.

Riley: Evelyn, I think I'm having an aneurysm.

Evelyn: She’s just--

Tiffany: Are you speaking to the goat again?

Evelyn: She’s gonna--

Tiffany: Or was it the Ghost?

Evelyn: I wish she'd stop interrupting my--

Tiffany: Goats are pretty cool, I guess. But also not real.

Evelyn: SENTENCES! That’s it!

Riley: Evelyn, what are you doing?

SOUND: Weird, ghostly noises. Tiffany screams. Silence.

Riley: [Nervous] Evelyn?

Tiffany - Possessed: Wow, she just would not stop talking. Sorry, I was starting to get a metaphysical migraine.

Riley: Did you just...did you just possess Tiffany?

Tiffany - Possessed: I guess so. I didn't know I could do this. Pretty cool, right? [Mocking] Ooh, I’m Tiffany, I like to yodel and also I have a…[Normal, Confused] Pat Sajak tramp stamp? Who is this person!?

Riley: I wouldn't make a habit of doing this. It’s kinda creepy.

Tiffany - Possessed: Riley, you eat people.

Riley: Point taken. So what now?

Tiffany - Possessed: I guess I better go drop her off at Walmart. Make sure she's okay. Be right back.

SOUND: Weird, lumbering footsteps. Consistent stumbling.

Riley: [Concerned] Hey, uh, watch out for the stairs, okay?

SOUND: Stumbling.

Riley: Evelyn!

Tiffany - Possessed: Sorry, sorry, I haven’t used a body in sixteen years, I'm a little rusty. Plus, she has like...a lot of stuff in her system right now.

Riley: Just don't break it. I don't need anymore ghosts in here.

SOUND: Possessed Tiffany continues to stumble up the stairs. The door opens, and then slams.

Riley: Why is this my life now?

SOUND: Ghostly noises. Evelyn returns.

Evelyn: I return!

Riley: That was fast.

Evelyn: Yeah, I stuck her in one of those ride-share cars and sent her home. I don't think I could have possessed her for much longer. It’s not a good feeling.

Riley: Then I guess that brings this disaster to a close.

Evelyn: I think it went pretty well, all things considered.

Riley: [Baffled] What I’d give to live in your world, Evelyn, it always sounds so much nicer than mine.

Evelyn: Well, considering the fact you ate our second guest.

Riley: And you scared off our first.

Evelyn: We managed to record a pretty good show. Maybe next episode, we’ll plan the guest thing in advance.

Riley: That, Miss Hooper, we agree on. [Riley grunts in pain]

Evelyn: What’s wrong?

Riley: All that zombie makeup isn’t meant for internal use. I’m gonna go get some Tums.

Evelyn: This feels like poetic justice.

Riley: Don’t make me call an exorcist, Evelyn…

[Riley and Evelyn shuffle to turn off the mic - FADE OUT; OUTRO MUSIC]

--

Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by Scott Thomas, and written by Henry Galley. Script editing by Scott Thomas, Shaun Kingham, and Henry Galley. With episode art by Meg Molloy Tuten. This episode starred Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Molloy Tuten as Evelyn, Jeremy Showell as Jon, Scott Thomas as Satan, Alex Viney as Brains Vincent, Graham Rowat as Erik D’Corah, and Nichole Goodnight as Tiffany. Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow. Want to find out more? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram from @LessIsMorgue.

Riley and Evelyn, a pair of misfit friends on different sides of mortality, try in vain to host a professional podcast pilot.
Ordering a pizza and eating the pizza boy doesn’t help.

+ Transcript

Riley: Aaaand we’re recording.

Evelyn: Oh my gosh, so they can hear me?

Riley: Yup.

Evelyn: [Excited] Hey! How is everybody doing? What's Earth been like since I died!? Do people still say “Cool beans”?

Riley: [Rapid-Fire Answers] This isn't live, it’s only gotten worse, and no, nobody has ever said “Cool beans.”

Evelyn: Oh. Right.

Riley: Wanna do the honors?

Evelyn: Hey guys! If you're listening to this, it means you’ve got good taste in podcasts, and there’s life after death.

Riley: In 2012, a Florida man died after consuming two-dozen live roaches in a competition - this is fifteen fewer than my personal best. Welcome to the show.

Evelyn: [Encouraging] Nailed it!

Riley: I'm Riley, your...Do I have to say it?

Evelyn: It’ll be super cute!

Riley: Are you sure?

Evelyn: Totes!

Riley: [Shudders] I’m Riley, your best Ghoulfriend.

Evelyn: And I’m Evelyn, your ghost host with the most!

Riley: Let’s keep this tight, the pizza guy will be here any minute now.

Evelyn: What toppings did you get this time?

Riley: Pinky fingers, centipedes, and woodlice on a barbecue base.

Evelyn: [Weirdly Cheerful] That’s disgusting.

Riley: I would have gotten the roaches too, but they said they were all out. How do you run out of roaches?

Evelyn: Where’d you order from?

Riley: Zagarella’s Pizzeria, on Monroe Street. You know, the one run by that Cyclops and her husband?

Evelyn: Oh, I’ve been there before! I bet they've still got plenty of rats.

Riley: [Worried; Frantic] Oh god, we’re digressing. We’re digressing! I knew this would happen.

Evelyn: Aren't people here to listen to us chat?

Riley: It’s bad podcast etiquette! We need to get to some kind of point, or the reviews are gonna tear us a new one!

Evelyn: Why not just cut the parts you don’t like?

Riley: That’s not the point. [Beat] Fuck, did we even say the podcast’s name? DOUBLE FUCK, DID WE EVEN LEAVE SPACE FOR THE INTRO MUSIC?

Evelyn: Wait, we have intro mu-

SOUND: Evelyn is cut off by the intro music.

Evelyn: --Sic? Don’t you think we’re kind of overdoing it?

Riley: Good podcasts have music. We’re trying to create a sleek, professional, podcasting experience here, Evelyn.

Evelyn: YOU ORDERED A PIZZA!

Riley: Professionals have to eat too! And besides, you died before podcasts were even a thing, what do you know?

Evelyn: Oh, speaking of, how about we tell them how we met? That might be a good place to start.

Riley: Sure, fine. Go for it.

Evelyn: [Clears Throat] Okay, so - it was January 7th, 2004. Nickelback was playing at Club Downunder on the FSU campus. I was with Liv, my girlfriend, and we’d just bought matching t-shirts.

Riley: [Disgusted] Matching. Nickelback. T-shirts.

Evelyn: Don’t diss Nickelback. Chad Kroeger played at my funeral, it was heartwarming.

Riley: I apologize for being the first person to diss Nickelback.

Evelyn: Anyway, the concert was the bomb before the accident. We were in the mosh pit, when a light fixture came loose and fell right on top of me. I was dead before they played “Leader of Men”.

Riley: So it wasn’t all bad, then.

Evelyn: It’s haunted me to this day.

Riley: At least they played it as you were lowered into the grave, in front of all your friends and loved ones. That must’ve been cathartic.

Evelyn: It was epic. I only wish I could have been there.

Riley: You were already in the afterlife at that point, right?

Evelyn: Yup! The waiting room.

Riley: So what's that like?

Evelyn: You ever been to the DMV?

Riley: I don't drive.

Evelyn: Right, doctor’s waiting room?

Riley: I don't trust doctors.

Evelyn: Line for a rollercoaster?

Riley: I’m banned from all the amusement parks in Florida.

Evelyn: Beetlejuice?

Riley: Can you just describe it?

Evelyn: It’s like the most snooze-inducing place you can imagine, but you’re metaphysically incapable of sleep.

Riley: Well, that sucks.

Evelyn: It MAJORLY sucks!

Riley: So then what did you do?

Evelyn: Well, I filled out my paperwork for sixteen years.

Riley: [Sincerely baffled] Every time you tell me this, I just can’t imagine an amount of paperwork that would take sixteen years.

Evelyn: One of the segments requires you to write down every meal you ever ate.

Riley: [Confident; Up-Beat] Oh, I could ace that. I remember everything. On this day, five years ago, I ate two dead rats and half a pound of Chef Boyardee’s canned unicorn meat.

Evelyn: Don’t forget the eight spiders you swallow every year. That’s the one that got me.

Riley: Ev, you know I eat way more than eight spiders a year.

Evelyn: Oh yeah, you eat lots of things. Don’t you, Riley?

Riley: [Sigh] Here we go again.

Evelyn: Why don’t you tell the next part? You tell it better.

Riley: [Gritted teeth] No, I think you can tell it better, Evelyn.

Evelyn: I dunno. You know the inside story better than I do.

Riley: I ate her corpse out of her grave.

Evelyn: AND THE TRUTH, WILL SET YOU FREE!

Riley: And yet, you're still here…

Evelyn: To be fair, I had no idea that being eaten by a ghoul would mean that my sixteen years of paperwork would be for nothing. It’s okay though, I still had seven years left to go.

Riley: Always looking on the bright side. Great.

Evelyn: Why did you eat my body, anyway?

Riley: My normal cemetery installed razor wire on the fences. In hindsight, the gaping wounds probably would have been easier to manage than this.

Evelyn: At least we got a cool friendship origin story out of it, though, right?

Riley: [Sarcastic] Yeah. Totally worth the trouble. This all happened about a week ago, listeners.

Evelyn: And now we’re besties!

Riley: [Uncomfortable; Defensive] Uh, Evelyn, no offence, but I barely know you - and you don’t know me.

Evelyn: We can change that! What’s your favorite color, favorite animal, and favorite flavor of ice cream? Then I’ll tell you mine.

Riley: I don’t want the deep state to know any of those things about me. Their kompromat file probably has enough blackmail material already.

Evelyn: Aw beans.

Riley: Before I ended up saddled with Moaning Myrtle here, the plan was to make a podcast where I could share my thoughts on the scary, confusing, and corrupt leviathan we call “society.” But I guess now, we’re doing whatever this is. Evelyn: And it’s gonna be totally rad!

Riley: Personally, I think the rules of this whole haunting thing are nebulous bullshit. I'm not even your final resting place - by all rights, you should be haunting my bathroom. BUT! Since you're here anyway, I figure I should at least get you some better music, so music is gonna be today’s topic.

Evelyn: I have so much Nickelback to catch up on.

Riley: Or, alternatively, you could listen to good bands.

Evelyn: Riley! You name one band better than Nickelback!

Riley: I don’t even know where to begin with that. That’s like asking who’s a better blind date than Jeffrey Dahmer. The answer being: literally anyone but Jeffrey Dahmer.

Evelyn: Who’s Jeffrey Dahmer? Is he a musician?

Riley: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ONE!

Evelyn: So you’re telling me if I started to sing the first few bars of “How You Remind Me”, you wouldn't know the lyrics?

Riley: [Frustrated grunt] Alright, fine, I concede - but it doesn't mean we shouldn’t aspire to something better. Anyway, this band is moderately decent. Here, take a look.

SOUND: CDs clattering.

Evelyn: What did you expect me to catch that with?

Riley: [Annoyed] Just read the sleeve.

Evelyn: The Beastie Boys? I already know that one.

Riley: No, this is The Beastly Boys. They’re all cursed French nobles with their souls tied to a rose.

Evelyn: One rose between all of them?

Riley: Hell yeah, that’s why they’ll never break up. They’re awesome.

Evelyn: What’s that one under Radiodead?

Riley: Oh, this?

SOUND: CDs clattering.

Riley: How did I know you were going to notice Bridgewater Triangle?

Evelyn: Is there something wrong with them?

Riley: No, they’re just kinda mainstream. Little too “Mumford & Sons.”

Evelyn: Then why do you have one of their CDs?

Riley: The lead violinist is a werewolf and I heard he killed a few people in college, so that’s pretty cool.

Evelyn: Uh huh. Do you like any of these bands because of their actual music?

---

SOUND: Footsteps.

Pizza Man: Hey, front door was open, did you order a-?

Riley: INTRUDER!

Pizza Man: No, wait!

SOUND: Ghoul mauling a man to death; Pizza man screaming, then gurgling.

Evelyn: Riley! Riley! Stop! You’re killing the pizza man!

Riley: [Mouth full] Pizza? [Swallows] Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me. Shit.

Evelyn: There’s blood everywhere, Riley! Jesus! Why did you do that!?

Riley: [Fast; Defensive] He entered my space without warning me! It was self-defence! We’re in Tallahassee, the Castle Doctrine applies!

Evelyn: You literally invited him here! He was delivering your pizza!

Riley: Okay, I get it, I made a mistake, I'm sorry!

Evelyn: That's a little more than a mistake! I thought ghouls only ate dead people.

Riley: Well, we sometimes eat living people, and zombies are the best of both worlds so we really don't get along with them.

Evelyn: Maybe just exercise a little more caution next time before you go all [makes a monster growling noise]?

[BEAT.]

Riley: [Genuinely worried] Do you see him anywhere? I do not have the spoons for two ghosts right now.

Evelyn: No, no. I think the rules are different when “eaten by ghoul” is the cause of death. He’s probably in the great DMV in the sky already.

Riley: Is it in the sky?

Evelyn: You know, nobody ever clarified.

[PAUSE]

Riley: Well, I probably shouldn’t waste a perfectly good pizza man. You want some, Ev?

Evelyn: Oh sure, yeah. I’ll eat that human flesh with my totally corporeal mouth. That I can eat stuff with.

Riley: Forget I said anything.

SOUND: Ghoul chowing down.

Evelyn: Are you at least gonna eat the pizza, so he didn't die in vain?

Riley: We’ll see how much room I've got after finishing his body. Evelyn: And you wonder why you have so many half-eaten pizzas lying around.

Riley: Do you wanna give us like a little musical interlude? It’s gonna get...gooey.

Evelyn: I thought you'd never ask! [Deep inhale]

SOUND: Evelyn singing Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me”, with Riley eating the pizza man in the background --

[WEIRD AD TIME]

SOUND: A thunder crack.

SOUND: Grandiose Greek Music.

Zeus: God of Thunder, King of Olympus, Head Honcho of the Greek Pantheon - hi, I’m Zeus. You may know me from such Greek Myths as all of them, and if, like me, you slide down the River Styx with all kinds of nymphs, you run the risk of catching harpies, Scylla, Charybdis, or, even worse, Genital Sisyphus. So when it's time to wrap that Cyclops, you're gonna need a Herculean prophylactic.

That - in addition to my hefty child support bills - is why I’m shilling Agamemnon Condoms, the only brand willing to overlook my many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many transgressions. What can I say, I love horsin’ around, swanning around, and sometimes even bulling around.

SOUND: Moo sound effect.

Zeus: [Laughs] Oh, ain't I a stinker? Just remember: when you're about to sling a thunderbolt, it can only be Agamemnon: A condom fit for a God.

Note: this product is not suitable for mortal consumption. Use by mortals may result in rashes, abrasions, madness, and death. Consult your local oracle before using Agamemnon condoms. Results may vary.

SOUND: Another thunder crack.

[END OF WEIRD AD TIME]

Evelyn: [Finishes singing Nickelback song] Is it over?

Riley: Yeah, I can probably fit the rest in the fridge, we should be good.

Evelyn: You, uh, feeling okay?

Riley: Little bloated, but otherwise fine. And you’re sure that the pizza guy won’t be “going ghost?”

Evelyn: No, but these are probably the kinds of questions you should ask yourself BEFORE killing random people.

Riley: Well, if I’m gonna do it, at least it’s in the privacy of my own home. [Burps]

Evelyn: If you leave the door open all the time, it’s not private!

Riley: It's not like anybody’s out tonight.

Evelyn: Half of your block are nocturnal creatures! It's like three vampires, a couple mad scientists, and a chupacabra!

Riley: They’re all shut-ins, anyway.

Evelyn: Like you.

Riley: Yeah. What’s your point?

Evelyn: You should invite them over sometime. Just because I can’t interact with them doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

Riley: Oh yeah, sure, I can just “invite” people “over.” [Beat] You can’t see it, listeners, but I just did air quotes. Because that’s ridiculous.

Evelyn: It’s not ridiculous! You just have to remember not to murder everyone so hard when you meet them!

Riley: I don’t murder everyone.

Evelyn: Name five people you know that aren’t dead. Family don't count.

Riley: Ha! That’s easy. Um...you? ah, fuck. No. Give me more time.

---

Evelyn: It wouldn’t kill you to make friends, Riley. Take it from someone who’s already dead. Oh, and by the way, shout out to other non-corporeal entities in our audience! If you’re dead or just in between dimensions, send in your calls, ‘cause I’d really like to meet you.

Riley: That’s not how it works, Evelyn. But they can get in contact on Twitter.

Evelyn: What’s twitter?

Riley: Oh, it’s just this really terrible website full of angry people yelling at each other about pointless bullshit, but for some reason, everyone’s still on it.

Evelyn: Can ghosts use Twitter?

Riley: No, dead people can’t use Twitter, it’s not like voting.

Evelyn: Aw man.

Riley: I don't even know why you're so obsessed with making friends - shouldn't you be rattling chains and making creepy clown dolls come to life?

Evelyn: Imagine what it's like being me for a second: nobody can see or hear you, and you can only interact with technology.

Riley: You realize you just described my dream, right?

Evelyn: Just because I’m dead doesn't mean my life has to be over.

Riley: [snort]

Evelyn: [Surprisingly Demonic] Look, I can either make friends or just bother you constantly.

Riley: [Tone shifts to mock-cheerful] You know, maybe it would be a good idea for you to make some new friends, put yourself out there more, mingle.

SOUND: Ghostly apparition noises.

Pizza Man Ghost: Ow, my head…

Riley: Oh, come on! This is the one thing we didn't want to happen!

Evelyn: Huh, guess I was wrong. Oopsie.

Riley: If I can’t count on you to know the ghost rules, why do I keep you around?

Evelyn: Because neither of us have a choice, maybe?

Riley: Yeah, come to think of it, that probably has something to do with it.

Pizza Man Ghost: Hello?

Evelyn: Hold that thought, Riley. HEEEYYYY NEW GHOST FRIEND!

Pizza Man Ghost: Is this 247 Mayhem Way? I’ve got a delivery for a Riley Almanzor?

Riley: This poor bastard, he doesn’t even know.

Evelyn: Aww, don’t be mean. You remember how I was.

Riley: Oh, I remember.

Pizza Man Ghost: Hold on, something’s off… I thought there was only one person in here before…

Evelyn: He can see me! This is huge!

Pizza Man Ghost: Wait, I threw out my back last week, how come it doesn't hurt?

Evelyn: You’ll get used to the lack of physical sensation.

Pizza Man Ghost: Where am I?

Evelyn: You’re on Less is Morgue! The only podcast where a ghost and a ghoul--

Riley: Uh, Evelyn, read the room.

Pizza Man Ghost: Wait...You didn’t…

Riley: Oh boy, here we go…

Pizza Man Ghost: [Gasps] You did! Holy shit, you killed me! You assholes!

Evelyn: To be fair, Riley killed you.

Riley: Great, just throw me right under the bus, why don't you.

Evelyn: What? You did kill him!

Riley: Please don't undermine me in front of the dead pizza guy.

Pizza Man Ghost: Hey! I have a name!

Evelyn: Had, technically. You'll wanna start using the past tense.

Riley: So what was your name? I'll need it for the show notes.

Pizza Man Ghost: Jon.

Riley: Is that normal John, like J-O-H-N, or the douchey J-O-N one?

Pizza Man Ghost: Just J-o-n. [Exhales] Jesus. So that was it? That was life?

Riley: Yeah, surprisingly short and uneventful, wasn't it?

Pizza Man Ghost: Well yeah, thanks to you, it was!

Riley: I think this whole “pushing the blame onto other people” mentality isn't helping anyone, Jon.

Evelyn: It’s also important to take responsibility for your actions, Riley.

Pizza Man Ghost: Well, you didn't exactly stop her!

Riley: Stop them.

Evelyn: I physically can't stop anything, which is something you're probably gonna understand soon.

SOUND: Strange, Ghostly Floating Noises.

Pizza Man Ghost: Shit, why am I floating!?

Evelyn: Oh, lucky! That means you're heading to the afterlife. Pizza Man Ghost: What!?

Evelyn: You know that song Spirit in the Sky? It's basically like that, but with more paperwork.

Riley: If there's like a God or Gods or something, can you tell them I'm sorry about the whole “killing you” thing and I'll try not to do it again for a while?

Pizza Man Ghost: [Fading out as he talks] Screeewwwww youuu twoooooo…

[Angelic Music as he Ascends - Then Abruptly Stops. Awkward Silence]

Pizza Man Ghost: Wait, why’d I stop? Is there normally supposed to be… turbulence?

Riley: Don’t look at me, I don't understand any of this bullshit.

Evelyn: Maybe you--

SOUND: A sudden burst of flame; whole cast yelps in shock.

Azfar: Alrighty, I'll take it from here, folks.

Riley: [Horrified; Outraged] I don't know or care who you are, but I want you out of my fucking house!

Evelyn: Isn't it your mom and dad’s house?

Riley: Technically, yes, but the basement is mine!

Azfar: My apologies. The name’s Azfar, demon of the fifth circle, Assistant to the Vice-Vice-Vice President of the Infernal Affairs department. I'm here on behalf of the underworld.

Evelyn: The underworld?

Azfar: We used to call it Hell, but the underworld is a little more tourist-friendly.

Evelyn: That’s fair.

Riley: Are you here to punish Evelyn for her awful taste?

Azfar: [Chuckles politely] Actually, I'm here for him.

Pizza Man Ghost: Me?

Azfar: You’re Jon Wheeler, right?

Pizza Man Ghost: Yeah…

Azfar: Well, Jon, me and my associates have been crunching the numbers regarding the fate of your immortal soul, and you, my friend, are Hellbound.

Pizza Man Ghost: WHAT!?

Evelyn: Shouldn't it be Underworld-Bound?

Azfar: I know what I said.

Pizza Man Ghost: How come I'm going to hell? I've never hurt anyone!

Azfar: On the contrary, Jon, let's take a look at your file.

SOUND: Papers rustling.

Azfar: Okay so, just last week you illegally downloaded three movies that are still in theatres.

Pizza Man Ghost: Is that it?

Azfar: Oh, far from it!

SOUND: Page flips.

Azfar: You've also downloaded the unofficial PDFs of several eBooks without paying, and let's not even get into all the music you've ripped from YouTube.

Pizza Man Ghost: So you're sending me to hell...for piracy?

Azfar: A lot of people worked very hard to create the entertainment you're stealing, Jon, it's not a victimless crime.

Evelyn: You can't take him to hell for it! That just feels like overkill.

Azfar: I’m a demon, kid, overkill is my middle name. Now, come along, Papa Johns, we just finished polishing the slide covered in razor blades.

Evelyn: What if, uh, what if we take custody?

Riley: Out of the question!

Evelyn: Come on, Riley, he’s gonna go to hell!

Riley: Just having one of you is like a living migraine, two of you will kill me! And besides, Azfart--

Azfar: Azfar.

Riley: Whatever. All his points about copyright and stuff seemed pretty solid.

Evelyn: Oh come on, Riley, I know you don't believe in laws!

Riley: I just don't want other people in my space!

Evelyn: What if we keep him in the bathroom?

Riley: That’s where I bathe and shit, Evelyn!

Azfar: Could we wrap this up? I have a lot of appointments today.

Pizza Man Ghost: I don't wanna go to hell!

Evelyn: Please, Riley! It's our fault he's dead, we owe him this!

SOUND: Riley groans loudly.

Riley: Alright, fine! I guess it's the least I can do after killing him. But he's gotta stay in the bathroom, he can't come out and mess with al l my stuff.

Evelyn: So what do you think, Mr. Azfar? Can we keep him in there instead?

Azfar: Hmm. It's highly unusual, but there aren't any explicit rules against it. How nice is the bathroom?

Evelyn: It's awful, they never clean it.

Azfar: Wonderful! I'd say we have a deal here, then.

Evelyn: Woo! Isn't this great, Jon?

Pizza Man Ghost: I mean, it's better than literal Hell.

Evelyn: I'll take it!

Riley: I'm not happy about any of this.

Azfar: I'd call that a job well done. Come along, Jonny boy. We've got some loose ends to tie up before you take your rightful place on the porcelain throne.

Pizza Man Ghost: At least I'm not gonna get tortured in hellfire forever, I guess.

Azfar: Oh, just wait until you see the paperwork you've gotta read.

Pizza Man Ghost: Oh god, no--

Azfar: See you on the flip-side, folks.

Riley: Wait, was that it? I’m not complaining, but I feel like you should have done more to torment us.

Azfar: [Laughs] Oh, believe me, you two have enough problems coming down the pipe without my intervention.

Evelyn: Uhh...could you maybe expand on that, Mr. Azfar? It's a little vague and ominous.

Azfar: Sorry, no spoilers. I'll be back later with your new pizza boy - adios!

SOUND: Azfar snaps his fingers, another fiery boom. Azfar and Jon are gone.

Evelyn: And then there were two. What an episode! You think we should include Azfar in the show notes?

Riley: [Sighs morosely] I think we should probably wrap this puppy up. We digressed, we forgot to plug our socials, we committed second degree murder--

Evelyn: You committed second degree mur--

Riley: Let's not point fingers here, okay? Point is, this isn't exactly how I wanted the pilot to go.

Evelyn: I don't know, I think we did a pretty good job, considering it was our first time. And we had guests, too! Maybe we could do that every episode.

Riley: [They sounds like they hate this idea] Every episode? Sure, I'll just kill every delivery guy in the city - they can all haunt my bathroom - and then I'll have to walk to the stores to get my food, like some kind of animal.

Evelyn: They don't have to be delivery guys - when I get the hang of being dead, I'm sure I can score us more ghosts. And I bet you can book some cool monsters.

Riley: Yeah, cause my natural warmth and charisma just screams “networking.”

Evelyn: You’re too hard on yourself, Riley, you know that?

Riley: Ugh, how about we save the pep talk for later, you can help me clean up. My basement is covered in delivery guy.

Evelyn: Wait, You clean? This is news to me.

Riley: [Groans loudly] Let me live…

[Riley and Evelyn shuffle to turn off the mic - FADE OUT; OUTRO MUSIC]

OUTRO, READ BY SCOTT: Thanks for listening to Less Is Morgue, the bi-weekly comedy podcast from the Praeps Collective. This episode was audio engineered by Scott Thomas, and written by Gus Zagarella, Scott Thomas, Meg .Molloy Tuten, Alexis Bristowe, and Henry Galley. Script editing by Scott Thomas, Shaun Kingham, Alex Viney, and Henry Galley. Episode art by Alexis Bristowe. Starring Alexis Bristowe as Riley, Meg Tuten as Evelyn, Jeremy Showell as Jon, and Scott Thomas as Zeus and Azfar. Executive Producer: Uri Sacharow. Want to find out more? Visit our website at www.lessismorgue.com. Want to get updates on our show, and interact with our ghoulish and ghostly hosts? Follow us on twitter and Instagram at @LessIsMorgue. A final, special thanks to the people who helped us hone these first few episodes to perfection: Max Williams, B. Narr, Laly Villablanca, Jay Lingenfelter, Stacey Jones, Mads Upton, and Michael Sheets.

Ever wondered what being dead is like, but can’t afford Beetlejuice tickets?
Cheerful ghost Evelyn Hooper is here to help.

+ Transcript

Hey everybody!! I’m Evelyn. I’m a Pisces, a fan of early-2000s Alt-Rock, and I’ve been dead for sixteen years. If you’re listening to this, it probably means you’re alive. I’m so happy for you! But, it also means everything you know about people like me comes from books and movies. So, here are some real, true facts about ghosts!

Fact One: Ghosts are entities that used to be alive, but became incorporeal beings after death. If the entity was never alive in the first place, they’re probably either a demon or a YouTube commenter.

Fact Two: Ghosts are normally invisible to mortals unless you directly summon them. However, there are other ways of seeing us - like being mentally unbalanced, taking enough hallucinogens, or having a near death experience. If these don’t apply to you already, maybe don’t try to change that.

Fact Three: When you die, you get to have your picture taken with a dead celebrity of your choice. If you’ve been good, you get to keep it. If you’ve been bad, a demon will make you eat the picture. I got mine with Emily Dickinson!

Fact Four: Sometimes you become a ghost if you have unfinished business, like unrequited love or a powerful thirst for vengeance. Other times you can become a ghost if someone disturbs your grave, Riley. [Beat] It’s okay though, I still love you.

Fact Five: If you get real close and sniff, nice ghosts smell like lemons. If you can smell burnt toast, that means that there’s a malicious ghost somewhere near you. Or you may be about to have a stroke.

And finally, Fact Six: Ghosts can’t be seen, but with the right technology - like a Blue Yeti Microphone and an iPhone camera - they can be recorded! That’s how you’re listening to me right now! And if you like listening to me, you’re in luck.

Less Is Morgue, a new comedy podcast, dropping this Valentine’s Day. Cause the one thing worse than dying is being bored!